Already doesn't mean that you live around crime
and violence necessarily, but they are correlated.
I mean, in my case, it was at least true that
living in these poor neighborhoods also meant
that I can face to face with situations that
I imagine people in probably wealthier neighborhoods
don't face. I know this just because I had friends
in high school that lived in nicer neighborhoods.
If I shared any of my stories, then they would
probably be shocked or not be able to make sense
of it. Of course, the violence comes in degrees.
And to be honest, I'm aware that some people
are exposed to violence and crime in ways that...
I haven't been like, I don't know what it's like
to be in a war torn community where you're dreading
bombs being dropped on you on a daily. And for
sure, I didn't live in a neighborhood where,
you know, the police timers were going off like
every day. It wasn't quite that. So like I said,
it comes in degrees. So I'm only going to speak
to my own experience. And I'm sure that some
of it might resonate, but maybe to a larger or
lesser extent, depending on your circumstances.
But my first encounter with violence, with the
possibility that danger could lurk at any given
corner, happened when I was in, I believe, second
grade. I remember that, I mean, it was a pretty
vivid experience, so I have a hard time kind
of forgetting some of these details. And I might
get some of the details wrong, but I do remember
that my dad had recently purchased a car. It
was a minivan. I think it was a Dodge Grand Caravan
or something like that. And was going back and
had purchased it. and was bringing it back home
to pick up my mom, my brother, and myself to
take us to church. So this is back when we were
in Koreatown. It was in the evening. The sun
had set, so there wasn't light out. But it wasn't
pitch black because you had street lights. But
street lights were street lights. It only lit
up a certain few areas. My mom wanted us to wait
outside. Knowing what I know now, that probably
was not a smart idea. But if you understood,
if you knew my mom, then it would make a lot
of sense because she is not the most aware of
her situation. She doesn't have that quality
about her. So she might not have been very aware
herself of the kind of potential danger that
she was placing us in. I mean, it's not like
we lived in a safe area. It was a section of
Koreatown that had regular break -ins and assaults.
Like, I mean, hell, I remember our home in Koreatown
was broken into at least twice that I know of.
My dad, wise or not, chased the perpetrators
in both cases to no avail. Apparently, he was
running around at one point, just around the
block again and again. And I think they just
stole some silverware or something before he
heard something downstairs, caught them, and
then tried to chase him down. My mom should know
that that area is not safe because she had cash
straight up snatched from her hands and this
was just down the block. I mean it was in broad
daylight and nothing happened because you know
like I don't know what about this group of people
but I do remember that there was like an apartment
complex that was down the street just a few doors
down and there are always people loitering out
there during the day and you know I think, like,
I don't remember very well. I just remember that
there was something, like, a feeling I had that
there was stuff going down there that, you know,
it wasn't normal people going to, I shouldn't
say normal, but it wasn't people, like, just
going to their normal nine -to -five jobs and
coming back home and just, you know, living out
their lives. There was some sort of activity
there that was probably illegal. happening. I
think I just heard through the grapevines that
that was not an area that I should actually walk
to as a kid. If I were to stay away from an area
it would be down the street in that direction.
The other direction not as bad but that direction
not the safest. So like I said my mom I mean
she's experienced all this so my mom clearly
isn't the best at being aware of the situation
if you know she's letting us just stay outside
in the dark. Waiting at night for a car to come
pick us up. The point is it was not the kind
of area where you Probably would think to stay
out there and feel particularly safe You shouldn't
probably walk around alone at night Maybe in
a group. It'll be a little bit better and within
certain stretches of the street. Maybe it'll
be okay but for the most part probably not the
place you want to just like You know loiter around
at night in the dark And here I was with my mom
and my brother. My brother at the time, if I
was a second grade man, he was like in kindergarten,
maybe. Yeah, around kindergarten. We're waiting
outside. Immediately we noticed that there's
a man carving into the plastic trash bins. You
know, the ones that you leave outside for trash
pickup. So I guess he was carving into the ones
that belong to our home. And my mom, being who
she is and completely unaware of the situation,
decides to confront the man and says, like, hey,
you shouldn't do this. This is not OK to do.
I don't remember the exact details of what happened
after that. What I do remember is that this man
turned the knife towards us, telling us that
he'll do whatever he wants to. I had no idea
what was going on with this man, but what I remember
vividly was the image of the shine of the knife's
edge as he was just waved it just inches from
my neck. Right? I mean, he wasn't like putting
it up against my neck, but he was just waving
around that close. And that image to this day
is still burned in my mind. Luckily, my dad arrived
not too long after, and we just rushed in to
get into the car and getting out. But this became
a theme in my time at Creatown and then again
later when I was in Colton. The thing is most
of the time there wasn't anything particular
going on. It's not as if like these areas there's
like crime going on every 10 seconds and then
the police will have to come like you know every
month. Especially in the daytime for the most
part people are just doing whatever they do in
the day. And nighttime is actually fairly, most
days, no big deal going on. If there's any domestic
issues in the home, that's a separate issue.
But out in the streets, most days there wasn't
anything in particular. That's not how violence
left an impression on me. It was not anything
that was on a daily, but rather it happened enough.
that you couldn't deny that those things, those
events were real possibilities, not in theory,
not on the television, not something that's happening
elsewhere, but in your own front yard, that this
is a real possibility. And it happens enough
to keep you on guard. That's what I learned is
that it happens enough. And that's all it takes.
It just happens enough that you start to think
This is a genuine possibility at any given time
and it keeps you on your toes At least the area
of Korea town we were at was kind of like that
Redlands wasn't and Colton most definitely was
Now I'm not trying to shit on a whole city I
don't have any ill feelings towards Colton at
all. I mean, I hated the area, but mostly it
was because of my own frustration with being
poor and my issues with family and the unbearable
heat in the Inland Empire. Just my shitty life
that I just really did not like at the time.
But the city itself, like I have no problems
with. In fact, you know... It's not as if all
memories there were all bad, right? Some of it
was actually fairly good, right? For instance,
I know we lived across a park where there were
these, I think they were little league games.
I'm not sure. I never bothered to ask. But there
were kids that would play baseball games, right?
And this was at nighttime. But I felt perfectly
safe to go there during the nighttime when the
park was lit up and I would bring my own bat
and glove and something that my brother and I
liked to kind of play together. as we watched
as well. Sometimes we get nachos at the concession
stand because, you know, these are not things
that we could get at home. So if we could scrape
up money to buy nachos, you know, with that plastic
cheese drizzled all over, right? We do that as
well. It was something to do and it felt relatively
safe. And even when it was dark out and on the
weekends, that same park will be filled with
like mariachi music and grilled meat. People
would hang out. Families would hang out. And
they would have picnics or parties or whatnot.
And though I was never fond of the police, maybe
that's a topic to discuss another time, my attitude
towards the police, the police weren't too far
away. And I remember my parents trying to build
good relations with them. So I remember the church
would have these Thanksgiving meals prepped for
them and would feed them. And I think it was
to try to build some good relations there, because
they were too far away. At the same time, it
was that very same street that we lived on where
the police had to come knocking on our door to
ask for witnesses to crimes, right? Once it was
for stabbing at the park. It happened in broad
daylight. Apparently a couple people got at it.
One person stabbed another person in the ear
and there's just blood all over the tree trunk.
You can see the police tape wrapped around that
area. Another time there was a drive -by shooting
and apparently our home was one that got hit
with at least one stray. I don't remember if
there were more. I just remember that, you know,
it happened late at night when we were all asleep.
I don't know if anybody realized that that's
what it was. But when I saw the bullet hole later
on, I just thought, man, a foot higher to the
right, and if I was in the living room, which
sometimes I was, I slept in the living room at
night, that could have been me. That was it.
Then there was a church member who ran a small
drive -through milk store a block away. It was
on the same street. You could actually see it
from our house. And they wanted to know if we
saw anything. I mean, he was held at gunpoint
and brought to daylight. He's a little man, visibly
shook. I think he retired not too long after
that. You could tell it took a toll on him. And
it didn't take too long once he closed down business
for that building to get tagged up. And that
was the reality I lived in. That's the reality
that everyone there lived in. And given the demographics
of that area, which was overwhelmingly Latino
with a decent number of black people, of course,
it doesn't surprise me that many of the Korean
business owners, instead of accounting for more
nuances to the situation, they began to form
certain stereotypes. of their own customers.
I mean, the Korean business owners were the ones
that ran some of these swap meets, and their
customers were blacks and Latinos. And they weren't
even subtle about it. I mean, once I was helping
a church member at their store doing some menial
work. It was a store that sold hair products.
And when a black man walked in, he explicitly
told me, this is explicitly, this isn't even
just like sugarcoating it or speaking in code,
just told me straight up. Walk around, act casual,
maybe like you're reshelving or reorganizing
stuff, but watch the customer and make sure he
doesn't steal anything. And I'll say this, if
any black and Latino person felt like they were
being watched while they were shopping at one
of these mom and pop shops that Koreans were
running, if you felt like you were being watched,
you're not paranoid. It was a thing that actually
happened. I'm guessing they actually were watching
you. On a side note, this is also why when the
LA riots broke out after the Ronald King beating,
I had a hard time empathizing with the Korean
store owners who had their shops looted. It's
not that I thought like it was okay to just like
loot whenever you felt like it, but I was well
aware of the racial tension and why it was building
up and particularly why blacks and Latinos might
have been felt like they were being discriminated
against or profiled when they were shopping in
these Korean -owned liquor stores. They weren't
imagining things. It was there. I also think
that people forget that... I think it was before
the Rodney King... beating and all that kind
of happened. There was also the case of a Korean
liquor store owner who was let off with just
probation after shooting Latisha Harlins, I believe
was her name. It was like a 15 year old black
girl and shot her in the back. This was not self
-defense. They shot her in the back, right? That
was a Korean immigrant community that I knew
all too well. And so for me, I felt a lot of
tension in supporting the Korean community through
any of this, because it's like, well, you know,
you you bought into a lot of these stereotypes
and you acted it out. And I can understand why
black and brown people felt like they were being
treated a certain way by not white people, but
by the Korean community that served these areas.
At first, I couldn't understand what the fuck
was going on. What was wrong with people? When
I would see things like this, I was like, why
are you doing this? Why would we, who all live
in shit, want to just add more shit onto each
other's plates? I think maybe some of this had
to do with my dad's influence. He grew up in
the countryside of Korea where they didn't have
much, but there was a strong sense of community.
I didn't see that. when I was in Colton. If you're
going to steal, why would you steal from people
who had money? Why wouldn't you steal from people
who had money? Why would you go to a small mom
and pop shop to steal from them? Why would you
steal from people who just live in the neighborhoods,
people who are trying to raise a family? If you
were going to run a business in this area, why
would you not want to build relations with the
community instead of being so accusatory towards
the people who live in that buried community
you were trying to sell to. Why was everyone
just out for themselves and willing to do all
kinds of shady shit and hurt each other, lie
to each other, steal from each other to get what
they needed? I don't have an answer for that.
I'm just saying that these are thoughts that
have crossed my mind a lot. And, you know, at
the time I just thought humans were naturally
selfish. Other times I just thought maybe, you
know, we just needed a common enemy or something
to come together and fight against or something.
I don't know. All I knew was that the store owners
would think the worst of their customers and
the customers would think these Korean store
owners were racist assholes. And, you know, in
some sense, I think everybody was in the wrong
to some degree. What I did know was that my dad
made me read so many biographies and history
books because he thought that's a way for me
to gain wisdom. And the thing that was clear
to me was that people use and form these stereotypes
very easily, that we as humans tend to not ground
our beliefs and truths, that everyone needs to
just check themselves and be humble and slow
the fuck down before making any judgment calls
about the other person. Why do I bring all this
up? Well, what? I see now that I wasn't seeing
then was that everyone was a product of their
environment to some degree, to a large degree.
I mean, it should have been clear to me. I mean,
at least in that I knew that I was angry because
of my life circumstances and that I stole and
lied and cheated because I was pissed off at
the world for being in this sort of situation.
So why wouldn't it also apply to other people?
I'm sure I wouldn't have been as angry or would
not have acted out in the same way if I had been
given different opportunities. I never wanted
to be the way I was. I never wanted to be angry
and resentful. It's exhausting. It's exhausting
and it's painful. It takes a lot of energy to
be angry. And some of the things you see and
experience start to color your entire perspective
of the world. in a way that if you don't actively
combat it, it just kind of is there. It's the
default mode. And it was true for me. I don't
know why I didn't see back then that it was probably
true for everybody else there. I mentioned that
Knife being swung in front of me in second grade.
I don't know if it started then, but... You know
philosophically have always accepted the idea
that anyone can die at any moment. It's not some
Grand or a novel idea that humans are mortal
and life is not predictable in many ways, but
I don't know many people that actually Live it
out on a regular basis like that idea becomes
a part of just how they live it out And I think
I wonder if that's the difference between you
know, acknowledging it as some sort of theory
versus having it just part of be the way that
you live your life. I imagine it's hard to plan
for the future if you think that there's actually
a decent chance. If you really believe in the
way that you make decisions about your life,
you really believe that there's a chance that
there's no tomorrow, a chance that you could
die at any moment. If you really believe that,
I imagine that the way that you live your life
and plan for the future would look very, very
different. You know, when that drive -by happened,
I was both angry at my parents for letting me
live in that kind of a neighborhood, but it also
embedded me with a sense that tomorrow just isn't
promised. That's kind of how I felt with the
people around me. We just all live like that.
There was like, there was no tomorrow. There
was no planning long term, whether it was about
our education or career or finances or even the
consequences of crime. It was hard to anyways.
It was hard to plan long term. It was hard to
plan for the future because when the future is
that unstable for you, like then you just become
open to doing things that give you what you need
in the here and now to the point that maybe it
seems irrational. If you think of it in long
term. If you think about it in the long run.
Things like assaults, robbery, murder, drug use
or drug dealing. These are all on the table when
tomorrow is not a concern. Why would I worry
about drug overdose if today might be the last
day I get to live and enjoy my life? Why would
I worry about getting caught tomorrow for a robbery
when I need stuff now? Why would you worry about
anything in the future, why would you even be
thinking about it and planning for it? Might
as well just try to do what you can do now. Death
at that point is no longer a theory, it's just
a reality that you face every day. And viewing
the world through these lenses makes you want
to, or at least capable of doing a whole lot
of shady shit. A whole lot. Just think about
this, right? Like if If you thought that there
was no tomorrow, I mean, I've seen these like,
you know, movies about the world ending, right?
Or you have like pending apocalypse or something,
right? And, you know, just look at how people
act when tomorrow isn't promised. They will engage
in all kinds of risky, atrocious behaviors towards
one another. Honestly, there was a time when
I was absorbed in the music of DMX and Eminem,
if any of you are familiar with them. I mean,
I love hip hop as an art form just generally.
There's a lot in hip hop music that kind of spoke
to me in my life circumstances, right? But the
MCs who spoke honestly of the darkness that consumes
them, those MCs, they spoke to me in a much,
much deeper way. I mean, I have respect and love
for the Jay -Zs and Nasas and Tupacs of the world.
You know, Outkast, I was a big fan of Outkast.
They all painted vivid pictures of growing up
and dealing with life struggles and what they
observed in a broken world around them. And,
you know, a lot of them also spoke of how to
uplift both themselves and their community. I
became, at some point, a huge fan of Most Def,
Yacine Bay. But DMX and Eminem were different.
They spoke heavily on the darkness that resided
within themselves. I mean, there would be days
when I would just listen to DMX's prayers and
his songs conversing with the devil. He has a
string of these songs. It was a theme across
his albums, right? Where he would have these
conversations with a personified devil that's
tempting him into doing all kinds of things,
right? Or then his prayers, right? His prayers
would break me down, like... I'm not joking when
I say DMX was like my spiritual leader in some
ways, right? His prayers moved me, broke me down,
brought me down to tears. What was interesting
about his discussions of that internal struggle
was that the darkness wasn't on the outside.
His circumstances had him facing these demons,
but these demons were dialogues that he was having
internally. right? The darkness found a home
inside himself, right? And that's what I felt
when I listened to DMX. I felt the same way of,
you know, like I was thrown into a world that
I didn't have any control over, like what was
going on around me, but what became clear at
some point was that the stuff happening out there
found a home inside me and it became a part of
who I was. It became part of the way that I viewed
people. It became a part of the way that I viewed
the world. It became part of the way I viewed
society, organizations, governments, police.
It shaped a lot of my perception, true or not.
It shaped a lot of my perception of the world
because it wasn't just stuff happening out there
and my internal world was somehow immune or isolated
from it. No, that became a part of how I started
looking out into the world. Eminem did the same
thing for me as well, right? I remember when
Eminem first came out, so many people were all
up in arms about his violent and misogynistic
lyrics, right? Look, I'm not going to try to
justify anything that he has said in any of these
albums. I definitely don't endorse anyone doing
a lot of things that he speaks of in his music.
I mean, specifically... I mean, there's a lot
of, I'll be honest with you, I love Eminem, but
there's a lot of bad albums that Eminem has put
out. But the ones I really, I remember hit me
hard when I was young was the Slim Shady and
Marshall Mathers LP. If you ever listen to the
song Kim, I think that song must have been banned
from some of these countries. Like that is a
disturbing ass song. I'm not even going to try
to recap what happens in it. So I'm not trying
to say that anyone should go out and do these
things. But I want to point something out. What
resonated for me was just how He would describe
his living conditions, what he grew up in, what
he observed from his mom and drug use, the violence,
the poverty, living in a trailer park, right?
And you could see in his music just how much
it shaped him. It shaped the rage that he felt.
It shaped the way that he... would feel towards
people in his lives, like the way he felt towards
his mom and the mother of his child. Even if
you wanted to keep all this stuff away from you,
because you live in it, you just can't escape
it. It becomes normal, it becomes expected, and
eventually it just becomes part of your internal
world. It just colors the way you view everything
about the world. You can't not be impacted by
seeing all of this happen on a day to day basis.
And you can't deny its impact, especially when
it's happening to you at some of your most formative
years in your childhood. And that is the one
thing that still rings true for me. I still can't
shake any of the things that I've seen. I can
be in a completely safe neighborhood. I could
read up on the crime statistics to find out that
there isn't even one instance of a home invasion,
and I'd still be paranoid. I mean, I currently
live in a neighborhood where there's, like, they
set up cameras everywhere, and, you know, I know
some of the people around me, and these are all
family people. Some of them are like grandparents.
Some of them are, you know, retired, and they're
just living their life. But even so, I could
know all that in my head, right? Rationally,
I tell myself that. But when I leave the house,
I just always have this strange, anxious feeling,
you know, that my neighbors, not strangers, that
my neighbors are going to rob me. That even the
little elementary school kids that live in this
neighborhood, that they're going to rob me. Or
that they would not just steal my shit. Even
worse, they might kill me. It's not based on
anything. I mean, like, look, if you were to
lay down the facts of the case and I were to
sit down and put my rational brain on, and I
could just go down and say, oh, yeah, let's give
percentages of what's likely to happen and what's
not, there's no reason to any of this, but I
feel it. I feel it. I try to deny it, but it's
there. Here's another way. When I hear pops going
off on the 4th of July, right, from those fireworks,
I wonder if some of them are actually gunshots.
It is a real thought that crosses my mind. I
mean, these are not all consuming thoughts to
the point where I'm fearful and isolating myself
from everyone else, but the thought does cross
my mind. They're always there, lurking somewhere
in the back of my mind. I don't know if it'll
ever go away. And what I'm trying to point out
is this, like, look. Once you've had these experiences
in those formative years and they were big enough
and impactful to shape the way that you view
the world, like reason can't combat it. I don't
know what it's going to take. Because even to
this day, I can't shake these feelings that I've
got. Because it's not about what's out there
anymore. I could change everything about the
world around me. I could change everything about
the neighborhood and my living situation and
all of it. I could install whatever security
system I want to. I could try to limit the kind
of people that I engage with. I could do all
of that, and yet all these same thoughts will
be running in the back of my head. Because at
some point, it just stops being about what's
actually real. It stops being about what's out
there. What's clear to me is that it stops being
about what's out there and becomes more about
what's in me. And what's in me is this sense
that I can never let my guard down. I can never
let my guard down. Because the moment I do, that's
when you get shot.