WEBVTT 00:00:28.199 --> 00:00:34.450 Already doesn't mean that you live around crime 00:00:34.450 --> 00:00:37.689 and violence necessarily, but they are correlated. 00:00:37.929 --> 00:00:41.609 I mean, in my case, it was at least true that 00:00:41.609 --> 00:00:44.189 living in these poor neighborhoods also meant 00:00:44.189 --> 00:00:47.890 that I can face to face with situations that 00:00:47.890 --> 00:00:51.909 I imagine people in probably wealthier neighborhoods 00:00:51.909 --> 00:00:55.229 don't face. I know this just because I had friends 00:00:55.229 --> 00:00:58.030 in high school that lived in nicer neighborhoods. 00:00:59.390 --> 00:01:03.689 If I shared any of my stories, then they would 00:01:03.689 --> 00:01:08.049 probably be shocked or not be able to make sense 00:01:08.049 --> 00:01:10.950 of it. Of course, the violence comes in degrees. 00:01:12.010 --> 00:01:15.109 And to be honest, I'm aware that some people 00:01:15.109 --> 00:01:20.370 are exposed to violence and crime in ways that... 00:01:20.349 --> 00:01:23.670 I haven't been like, I don't know what it's like 00:01:23.670 --> 00:01:27.430 to be in a war torn community where you're dreading 00:01:27.430 --> 00:01:32.409 bombs being dropped on you on a daily. And for 00:01:32.409 --> 00:01:34.629 sure, I didn't live in a neighborhood where, 00:01:34.629 --> 00:01:37.310 you know, the police timers were going off like 00:01:37.310 --> 00:01:41.349 every day. It wasn't quite that. So like I said, 00:01:41.349 --> 00:01:43.890 it comes in degrees. So I'm only going to speak 00:01:43.890 --> 00:01:49.230 to my own experience. And I'm sure that some 00:01:49.230 --> 00:01:52.370 of it might resonate, but maybe to a larger or 00:01:52.370 --> 00:01:55.290 lesser extent, depending on your circumstances. 00:01:56.609 --> 00:01:59.989 But my first encounter with violence, with the 00:01:59.989 --> 00:02:02.269 possibility that danger could lurk at any given 00:02:02.269 --> 00:02:05.159 corner, happened when I was in, I believe, second 00:02:05.159 --> 00:02:09.740 grade. I remember that, I mean, it was a pretty 00:02:09.740 --> 00:02:12.240 vivid experience, so I have a hard time kind 00:02:12.240 --> 00:02:14.819 of forgetting some of these details. And I might 00:02:14.819 --> 00:02:16.639 get some of the details wrong, but I do remember 00:02:16.639 --> 00:02:18.719 that my dad had recently purchased a car. It 00:02:18.719 --> 00:02:23.080 was a minivan. I think it was a Dodge Grand Caravan 00:02:23.080 --> 00:02:28.240 or something like that. And was going back and 00:02:28.240 --> 00:02:32.060 had purchased it. and was bringing it back home 00:02:32.060 --> 00:02:35.300 to pick up my mom, my brother, and myself to 00:02:35.300 --> 00:02:37.879 take us to church. So this is back when we were 00:02:37.879 --> 00:02:41.219 in Koreatown. It was in the evening. The sun 00:02:41.219 --> 00:02:46.319 had set, so there wasn't light out. But it wasn't 00:02:46.319 --> 00:02:49.740 pitch black because you had street lights. But 00:02:49.740 --> 00:02:51.840 street lights were street lights. It only lit 00:02:51.840 --> 00:02:55.400 up a certain few areas. My mom wanted us to wait 00:02:55.400 --> 00:02:59.259 outside. Knowing what I know now, that probably 00:02:59.259 --> 00:03:04.939 was not a smart idea. But if you understood, 00:03:05.000 --> 00:03:06.659 if you knew my mom, then it would make a lot 00:03:06.659 --> 00:03:10.580 of sense because she is not the most aware of 00:03:10.580 --> 00:03:14.099 her situation. She doesn't have that quality 00:03:14.099 --> 00:03:18.039 about her. So she might not have been very aware 00:03:18.039 --> 00:03:20.960 herself of the kind of potential danger that 00:03:20.960 --> 00:03:23.740 she was placing us in. I mean, it's not like 00:03:23.740 --> 00:03:26.159 we lived in a safe area. It was a section of 00:03:26.159 --> 00:03:28.319 Koreatown that had regular break -ins and assaults. 00:03:28.479 --> 00:03:32.060 Like, I mean, hell, I remember our home in Koreatown 00:03:32.060 --> 00:03:35.120 was broken into at least twice that I know of. 00:03:35.840 --> 00:03:38.539 My dad, wise or not, chased the perpetrators 00:03:38.539 --> 00:03:41.599 in both cases to no avail. Apparently, he was 00:03:41.599 --> 00:03:44.340 running around at one point, just around the 00:03:44.340 --> 00:03:46.379 block again and again. And I think they just 00:03:46.379 --> 00:03:48.900 stole some silverware or something before he 00:03:48.900 --> 00:03:50.599 heard something downstairs, caught them, and 00:03:50.599 --> 00:03:54.180 then tried to chase him down. My mom should know 00:03:54.180 --> 00:03:57.120 that that area is not safe because she had cash 00:03:57.120 --> 00:03:59.240 straight up snatched from her hands and this 00:03:59.240 --> 00:04:01.599 was just down the block. I mean it was in broad 00:04:01.599 --> 00:04:04.139 daylight and nothing happened because you know 00:04:04.139 --> 00:04:06.659 like I don't know what about this group of people 00:04:06.659 --> 00:04:08.699 but I do remember that there was like an apartment 00:04:08.699 --> 00:04:12.860 complex that was down the street just a few doors 00:04:12.860 --> 00:04:15.800 down and there are always people loitering out 00:04:15.800 --> 00:04:20.160 there during the day and you know I think, like, 00:04:20.180 --> 00:04:22.120 I don't remember very well. I just remember that 00:04:22.120 --> 00:04:25.040 there was something, like, a feeling I had that 00:04:25.040 --> 00:04:27.160 there was stuff going down there that, you know, 00:04:27.339 --> 00:04:29.160 it wasn't normal people going to, I shouldn't 00:04:29.160 --> 00:04:30.759 say normal, but it wasn't people, like, just 00:04:30.759 --> 00:04:34.240 going to their normal nine -to -five jobs and 00:04:34.240 --> 00:04:37.519 coming back home and just, you know, living out 00:04:37.519 --> 00:04:39.959 their lives. There was some sort of activity 00:04:39.959 --> 00:04:44.670 there that was probably illegal. happening. I 00:04:44.670 --> 00:04:46.170 think I just heard through the grapevines that 00:04:46.170 --> 00:04:48.230 that was not an area that I should actually walk 00:04:48.230 --> 00:04:51.329 to as a kid. If I were to stay away from an area 00:04:51.329 --> 00:04:53.449 it would be down the street in that direction. 00:04:53.930 --> 00:04:56.129 The other direction not as bad but that direction 00:04:56.129 --> 00:05:01.550 not the safest. So like I said my mom I mean 00:05:01.550 --> 00:05:04.350 she's experienced all this so my mom clearly 00:05:04.350 --> 00:05:06.149 isn't the best at being aware of the situation 00:05:06.149 --> 00:05:09.310 if you know she's letting us just stay outside 00:05:09.310 --> 00:05:13.189 in the dark. Waiting at night for a car to come 00:05:13.189 --> 00:05:16.470 pick us up. The point is it was not the kind 00:05:16.470 --> 00:05:21.069 of area where you Probably would think to stay 00:05:21.069 --> 00:05:25.410 out there and feel particularly safe You shouldn't 00:05:25.410 --> 00:05:28.149 probably walk around alone at night Maybe in 00:05:28.149 --> 00:05:30.350 a group. It'll be a little bit better and within 00:05:30.350 --> 00:05:32.050 certain stretches of the street. Maybe it'll 00:05:32.050 --> 00:05:35.410 be okay but for the most part probably not the 00:05:35.410 --> 00:05:38.189 place you want to just like You know loiter around 00:05:38.189 --> 00:05:41.720 at night in the dark And here I was with my mom 00:05:41.720 --> 00:05:44.519 and my brother. My brother at the time, if I 00:05:44.519 --> 00:05:46.839 was a second grade man, he was like in kindergarten, 00:05:48.079 --> 00:05:50.879 maybe. Yeah, around kindergarten. We're waiting 00:05:50.879 --> 00:05:53.779 outside. Immediately we noticed that there's 00:05:53.779 --> 00:05:57.079 a man carving into the plastic trash bins. You 00:05:57.079 --> 00:06:00.220 know, the ones that you leave outside for trash 00:06:00.220 --> 00:06:03.639 pickup. So I guess he was carving into the ones 00:06:03.639 --> 00:06:06.600 that belong to our home. And my mom, being who 00:06:06.600 --> 00:06:09.199 she is and completely unaware of the situation, 00:06:09.379 --> 00:06:12.639 decides to confront the man and says, like, hey, 00:06:12.939 --> 00:06:15.040 you shouldn't do this. This is not OK to do. 00:06:16.220 --> 00:06:18.899 I don't remember the exact details of what happened 00:06:18.899 --> 00:06:23.480 after that. What I do remember is that this man 00:06:23.480 --> 00:06:26.300 turned the knife towards us, telling us that 00:06:26.300 --> 00:06:29.360 he'll do whatever he wants to. I had no idea 00:06:29.360 --> 00:06:33.600 what was going on with this man, but what I remember 00:06:33.600 --> 00:06:37.939 vividly was the image of the shine of the knife's 00:06:37.939 --> 00:06:40.139 edge as he was just waved it just inches from 00:06:40.139 --> 00:06:43.800 my neck. Right? I mean, he wasn't like putting 00:06:43.800 --> 00:06:45.360 it up against my neck, but he was just waving 00:06:45.360 --> 00:06:50.139 around that close. And that image to this day 00:06:50.139 --> 00:06:53.920 is still burned in my mind. Luckily, my dad arrived 00:06:53.920 --> 00:06:56.439 not too long after, and we just rushed in to 00:06:56.439 --> 00:07:02.079 get into the car and getting out. But this became 00:07:02.079 --> 00:07:04.920 a theme in my time at Creatown and then again 00:07:04.920 --> 00:07:07.980 later when I was in Colton. The thing is most 00:07:07.980 --> 00:07:10.759 of the time there wasn't anything particular 00:07:10.759 --> 00:07:13.579 going on. It's not as if like these areas there's 00:07:13.579 --> 00:07:15.860 like crime going on every 10 seconds and then 00:07:15.860 --> 00:07:17.939 the police will have to come like you know every 00:07:17.939 --> 00:07:20.079 month. Especially in the daytime for the most 00:07:20.079 --> 00:07:23.279 part people are just doing whatever they do in 00:07:23.279 --> 00:07:26.519 the day. And nighttime is actually fairly, most 00:07:26.519 --> 00:07:29.259 days, no big deal going on. If there's any domestic 00:07:29.259 --> 00:07:31.680 issues in the home, that's a separate issue. 00:07:32.439 --> 00:07:39.279 But out in the streets, most days there wasn't 00:07:39.279 --> 00:07:42.860 anything in particular. That's not how violence 00:07:42.860 --> 00:07:45.980 left an impression on me. It was not anything 00:07:45.980 --> 00:07:49.399 that was on a daily, but rather it happened enough. 00:07:49.769 --> 00:07:52.870 that you couldn't deny that those things, those 00:07:52.870 --> 00:07:55.209 events were real possibilities, not in theory, 00:07:55.310 --> 00:07:58.430 not on the television, not something that's happening 00:07:58.430 --> 00:08:02.350 elsewhere, but in your own front yard, that this 00:08:02.350 --> 00:08:05.649 is a real possibility. And it happens enough 00:08:05.649 --> 00:08:10.029 to keep you on guard. That's what I learned is 00:08:10.029 --> 00:08:13.430 that it happens enough. And that's all it takes. 00:08:13.529 --> 00:08:17.889 It just happens enough that you start to think 00:08:18.380 --> 00:08:21.519 This is a genuine possibility at any given time 00:08:21.519 --> 00:08:24.899 and it keeps you on your toes At least the area 00:08:24.899 --> 00:08:27.319 of Korea town we were at was kind of like that 00:08:27.319 --> 00:08:30.240 Redlands wasn't and Colton most definitely was 00:08:30.240 --> 00:08:34.279 Now I'm not trying to shit on a whole city I 00:08:34.279 --> 00:08:36.700 don't have any ill feelings towards Colton at 00:08:36.700 --> 00:08:39.659 all. I mean, I hated the area, but mostly it 00:08:39.659 --> 00:08:42.419 was because of my own frustration with being 00:08:42.419 --> 00:08:47.620 poor and my issues with family and the unbearable 00:08:47.620 --> 00:08:52.240 heat in the Inland Empire. Just my shitty life 00:08:52.240 --> 00:08:54.220 that I just really did not like at the time. 00:08:54.700 --> 00:08:57.019 But the city itself, like I have no problems 00:08:57.019 --> 00:09:00.279 with. In fact, you know... It's not as if all 00:09:00.279 --> 00:09:03.419 memories there were all bad, right? Some of it 00:09:03.419 --> 00:09:05.919 was actually fairly good, right? For instance, 00:09:06.039 --> 00:09:08.100 I know we lived across a park where there were 00:09:08.100 --> 00:09:09.879 these, I think they were little league games. 00:09:09.879 --> 00:09:12.779 I'm not sure. I never bothered to ask. But there 00:09:12.779 --> 00:09:14.720 were kids that would play baseball games, right? 00:09:14.720 --> 00:09:17.080 And this was at nighttime. But I felt perfectly 00:09:17.080 --> 00:09:19.820 safe to go there during the nighttime when the 00:09:19.820 --> 00:09:22.740 park was lit up and I would bring my own bat 00:09:22.740 --> 00:09:25.700 and glove and something that my brother and I 00:09:25.700 --> 00:09:29.799 liked to kind of play together. as we watched 00:09:29.799 --> 00:09:33.480 as well. Sometimes we get nachos at the concession 00:09:33.480 --> 00:09:35.460 stand because, you know, these are not things 00:09:35.460 --> 00:09:37.120 that we could get at home. So if we could scrape 00:09:37.120 --> 00:09:41.039 up money to buy nachos, you know, with that plastic 00:09:41.039 --> 00:09:43.980 cheese drizzled all over, right? We do that as 00:09:43.980 --> 00:09:46.679 well. It was something to do and it felt relatively 00:09:46.679 --> 00:09:49.600 safe. And even when it was dark out and on the 00:09:49.600 --> 00:09:51.580 weekends, that same park will be filled with 00:09:51.580 --> 00:09:53.799 like mariachi music and grilled meat. People 00:09:53.799 --> 00:09:56.360 would hang out. Families would hang out. And 00:09:56.360 --> 00:10:00.460 they would have picnics or parties or whatnot. 00:10:01.860 --> 00:10:04.279 And though I was never fond of the police, maybe 00:10:04.279 --> 00:10:09.960 that's a topic to discuss another time, my attitude 00:10:09.960 --> 00:10:12.559 towards the police, the police weren't too far 00:10:12.559 --> 00:10:14.720 away. And I remember my parents trying to build 00:10:14.720 --> 00:10:17.679 good relations with them. So I remember the church 00:10:17.679 --> 00:10:21.820 would have these Thanksgiving meals prepped for 00:10:21.820 --> 00:10:25.539 them and would feed them. And I think it was 00:10:25.539 --> 00:10:29.240 to try to build some good relations there, because 00:10:29.240 --> 00:10:33.559 they were too far away. At the same time, it 00:10:33.559 --> 00:10:37.299 was that very same street that we lived on where 00:10:37.299 --> 00:10:39.720 the police had to come knocking on our door to 00:10:39.720 --> 00:10:43.659 ask for witnesses to crimes, right? Once it was 00:10:43.659 --> 00:10:46.889 for stabbing at the park. It happened in broad 00:10:46.889 --> 00:10:50.149 daylight. Apparently a couple people got at it. 00:10:50.450 --> 00:10:52.529 One person stabbed another person in the ear 00:10:52.529 --> 00:10:54.289 and there's just blood all over the tree trunk. 00:10:54.669 --> 00:10:57.870 You can see the police tape wrapped around that 00:10:57.870 --> 00:11:00.649 area. Another time there was a drive -by shooting 00:11:00.649 --> 00:11:02.929 and apparently our home was one that got hit 00:11:02.929 --> 00:11:05.269 with at least one stray. I don't remember if 00:11:05.269 --> 00:11:09.269 there were more. I just remember that, you know, 00:11:09.610 --> 00:11:12.169 it happened late at night when we were all asleep. 00:11:13.670 --> 00:11:15.570 I don't know if anybody realized that that's 00:11:15.570 --> 00:11:19.649 what it was. But when I saw the bullet hole later 00:11:19.649 --> 00:11:22.370 on, I just thought, man, a foot higher to the 00:11:22.370 --> 00:11:25.090 right, and if I was in the living room, which 00:11:25.090 --> 00:11:27.110 sometimes I was, I slept in the living room at 00:11:27.110 --> 00:11:29.750 night, that could have been me. That was it. 00:11:31.570 --> 00:11:34.389 Then there was a church member who ran a small 00:11:34.389 --> 00:11:38.049 drive -through milk store a block away. It was 00:11:38.049 --> 00:11:40.690 on the same street. You could actually see it 00:11:40.690 --> 00:11:48.789 from our house. And they wanted to know if we 00:11:48.789 --> 00:11:51.629 saw anything. I mean, he was held at gunpoint 00:11:51.629 --> 00:11:56.230 and brought to daylight. He's a little man, visibly 00:11:56.230 --> 00:11:58.529 shook. I think he retired not too long after 00:11:58.529 --> 00:12:03.330 that. You could tell it took a toll on him. And 00:12:03.330 --> 00:12:05.549 it didn't take too long once he closed down business 00:12:05.549 --> 00:12:08.789 for that building to get tagged up. And that 00:12:08.789 --> 00:12:12.299 was the reality I lived in. That's the reality 00:12:12.299 --> 00:12:17.000 that everyone there lived in. And given the demographics 00:12:17.000 --> 00:12:21.340 of that area, which was overwhelmingly Latino 00:12:21.340 --> 00:12:25.759 with a decent number of black people, of course, 00:12:26.740 --> 00:12:29.200 it doesn't surprise me that many of the Korean 00:12:29.200 --> 00:12:33.600 business owners, instead of accounting for more 00:12:33.600 --> 00:12:36.159 nuances to the situation, they began to form 00:12:36.159 --> 00:12:39.490 certain stereotypes. of their own customers. 00:12:39.710 --> 00:12:41.830 I mean, the Korean business owners were the ones 00:12:41.830 --> 00:12:45.129 that ran some of these swap meets, and their 00:12:45.129 --> 00:12:48.889 customers were blacks and Latinos. And they weren't 00:12:48.889 --> 00:12:51.730 even subtle about it. I mean, once I was helping 00:12:51.730 --> 00:12:55.269 a church member at their store doing some menial 00:12:55.269 --> 00:12:57.870 work. It was a store that sold hair products. 00:12:58.529 --> 00:13:02.070 And when a black man walked in, he explicitly 00:13:02.070 --> 00:13:04.210 told me, this is explicitly, this isn't even 00:13:04.210 --> 00:13:06.129 just like sugarcoating it or speaking in code, 00:13:06.210 --> 00:13:10.210 just told me straight up. Walk around, act casual, 00:13:11.070 --> 00:13:13.330 maybe like you're reshelving or reorganizing 00:13:13.330 --> 00:13:16.070 stuff, but watch the customer and make sure he 00:13:16.070 --> 00:13:22.330 doesn't steal anything. And I'll say this, if 00:13:22.330 --> 00:13:24.450 any black and Latino person felt like they were 00:13:24.450 --> 00:13:27.370 being watched while they were shopping at one 00:13:27.370 --> 00:13:30.509 of these mom and pop shops that Koreans were 00:13:30.509 --> 00:13:33.309 running, if you felt like you were being watched, 00:13:33.330 --> 00:13:36.830 you're not paranoid. It was a thing that actually 00:13:36.830 --> 00:13:39.379 happened. I'm guessing they actually were watching 00:13:39.379 --> 00:13:43.480 you. On a side note, this is also why when the 00:13:43.480 --> 00:13:46.039 LA riots broke out after the Ronald King beating, 00:13:46.120 --> 00:13:48.000 I had a hard time empathizing with the Korean 00:13:48.000 --> 00:13:51.639 store owners who had their shops looted. It's 00:13:51.639 --> 00:13:53.559 not that I thought like it was okay to just like 00:13:53.559 --> 00:13:56.220 loot whenever you felt like it, but I was well 00:13:56.220 --> 00:13:59.080 aware of the racial tension and why it was building 00:13:59.080 --> 00:14:02.580 up and particularly why blacks and Latinos might 00:14:02.580 --> 00:14:05.429 have been felt like they were being discriminated 00:14:05.429 --> 00:14:09.250 against or profiled when they were shopping in 00:14:09.250 --> 00:14:13.529 these Korean -owned liquor stores. They weren't 00:14:13.529 --> 00:14:20.789 imagining things. It was there. I also think 00:14:20.789 --> 00:14:23.830 that people forget that... I think it was before 00:14:23.830 --> 00:14:27.110 the Rodney King... beating and all that kind 00:14:27.110 --> 00:14:30.250 of happened. There was also the case of a Korean 00:14:30.250 --> 00:14:32.990 liquor store owner who was let off with just 00:14:32.990 --> 00:14:38.090 probation after shooting Latisha Harlins, I believe 00:14:38.090 --> 00:14:40.009 was her name. It was like a 15 year old black 00:14:40.009 --> 00:14:43.809 girl and shot her in the back. This was not self 00:14:43.809 --> 00:14:47.870 -defense. They shot her in the back, right? That 00:14:47.870 --> 00:14:49.950 was a Korean immigrant community that I knew 00:14:49.950 --> 00:14:54.009 all too well. And so for me, I felt a lot of 00:14:54.009 --> 00:14:56.970 tension in supporting the Korean community through 00:14:56.970 --> 00:15:00.769 any of this, because it's like, well, you know, 00:15:01.289 --> 00:15:03.809 you you bought into a lot of these stereotypes 00:15:03.809 --> 00:15:07.330 and you acted it out. And I can understand why 00:15:07.330 --> 00:15:10.210 black and brown people felt like they were being 00:15:10.210 --> 00:15:13.649 treated a certain way by not white people, but 00:15:13.649 --> 00:15:17.850 by the Korean community that served these areas. 00:15:19.240 --> 00:15:21.480 At first, I couldn't understand what the fuck 00:15:21.480 --> 00:15:23.940 was going on. What was wrong with people? When 00:15:23.940 --> 00:15:25.399 I would see things like this, I was like, why 00:15:25.399 --> 00:15:30.139 are you doing this? Why would we, who all live 00:15:30.139 --> 00:15:33.820 in shit, want to just add more shit onto each 00:15:33.820 --> 00:15:36.740 other's plates? I think maybe some of this had 00:15:36.740 --> 00:15:39.039 to do with my dad's influence. He grew up in 00:15:39.039 --> 00:15:42.200 the countryside of Korea where they didn't have 00:15:42.200 --> 00:15:45.120 much, but there was a strong sense of community. 00:15:45.379 --> 00:15:52.399 I didn't see that. when I was in Colton. If you're 00:15:52.399 --> 00:15:54.340 going to steal, why would you steal from people 00:15:54.340 --> 00:15:57.600 who had money? Why wouldn't you steal from people 00:15:57.600 --> 00:15:59.940 who had money? Why would you go to a small mom 00:15:59.940 --> 00:16:02.419 and pop shop to steal from them? Why would you 00:16:02.419 --> 00:16:05.200 steal from people who just live in the neighborhoods, 00:16:05.299 --> 00:16:07.799 people who are trying to raise a family? If you 00:16:07.799 --> 00:16:10.000 were going to run a business in this area, why 00:16:10.000 --> 00:16:12.399 would you not want to build relations with the 00:16:12.399 --> 00:16:15.240 community instead of being so accusatory towards 00:16:15.240 --> 00:16:17.799 the people who live in that buried community 00:16:17.799 --> 00:16:20.559 you were trying to sell to. Why was everyone 00:16:20.559 --> 00:16:22.899 just out for themselves and willing to do all 00:16:22.899 --> 00:16:25.240 kinds of shady shit and hurt each other, lie 00:16:25.240 --> 00:16:28.539 to each other, steal from each other to get what 00:16:28.539 --> 00:16:30.980 they needed? I don't have an answer for that. 00:16:30.980 --> 00:16:32.659 I'm just saying that these are thoughts that 00:16:32.659 --> 00:16:35.659 have crossed my mind a lot. And, you know, at 00:16:35.659 --> 00:16:37.600 the time I just thought humans were naturally 00:16:37.600 --> 00:16:40.559 selfish. Other times I just thought maybe, you 00:16:40.559 --> 00:16:42.799 know, we just needed a common enemy or something 00:16:42.799 --> 00:16:44.679 to come together and fight against or something. 00:16:44.679 --> 00:16:48.450 I don't know. All I knew was that the store owners 00:16:48.450 --> 00:16:49.870 would think the worst of their customers and 00:16:49.870 --> 00:16:52.149 the customers would think these Korean store 00:16:52.149 --> 00:16:57.610 owners were racist assholes. And, you know, in 00:16:57.610 --> 00:17:01.190 some sense, I think everybody was in the wrong 00:17:01.190 --> 00:17:05.250 to some degree. What I did know was that my dad 00:17:05.250 --> 00:17:07.509 made me read so many biographies and history 00:17:07.509 --> 00:17:09.930 books because he thought that's a way for me 00:17:09.930 --> 00:17:13.349 to gain wisdom. And the thing that was clear 00:17:13.349 --> 00:17:16.569 to me was that people use and form these stereotypes 00:17:16.569 --> 00:17:21.390 very easily, that we as humans tend to not ground 00:17:21.390 --> 00:17:24.529 our beliefs and truths, that everyone needs to 00:17:24.529 --> 00:17:27.690 just check themselves and be humble and slow 00:17:27.690 --> 00:17:29.529 the fuck down before making any judgment calls 00:17:29.529 --> 00:17:33.109 about the other person. Why do I bring all this 00:17:33.109 --> 00:17:37.880 up? Well, what? I see now that I wasn't seeing 00:17:37.880 --> 00:17:42.500 then was that everyone was a product of their 00:17:42.500 --> 00:17:45.839 environment to some degree, to a large degree. 00:17:46.339 --> 00:17:48.559 I mean, it should have been clear to me. I mean, 00:17:48.779 --> 00:17:52.140 at least in that I knew that I was angry because 00:17:52.140 --> 00:17:55.279 of my life circumstances and that I stole and 00:17:55.279 --> 00:17:57.200 lied and cheated because I was pissed off at 00:17:57.200 --> 00:18:00.859 the world for being in this sort of situation. 00:18:02.019 --> 00:18:04.740 So why wouldn't it also apply to other people? 00:18:05.069 --> 00:18:08.210 I'm sure I wouldn't have been as angry or would 00:18:08.210 --> 00:18:10.809 not have acted out in the same way if I had been 00:18:10.809 --> 00:18:14.230 given different opportunities. I never wanted 00:18:14.230 --> 00:18:17.630 to be the way I was. I never wanted to be angry 00:18:17.630 --> 00:18:20.609 and resentful. It's exhausting. It's exhausting 00:18:20.609 --> 00:18:23.650 and it's painful. It takes a lot of energy to 00:18:23.650 --> 00:18:27.009 be angry. And some of the things you see and 00:18:27.009 --> 00:18:30.829 experience start to color your entire perspective 00:18:30.829 --> 00:18:35.250 of the world. in a way that if you don't actively 00:18:35.250 --> 00:18:41.190 combat it, it just kind of is there. It's the 00:18:41.190 --> 00:18:46.049 default mode. And it was true for me. I don't 00:18:46.049 --> 00:18:48.390 know why I didn't see back then that it was probably 00:18:48.390 --> 00:18:53.049 true for everybody else there. I mentioned that 00:18:53.049 --> 00:18:55.329 Knife being swung in front of me in second grade. 00:18:56.730 --> 00:18:59.910 I don't know if it started then, but... You know 00:18:59.910 --> 00:19:01.630 philosophically have always accepted the idea 00:19:01.630 --> 00:19:05.730 that anyone can die at any moment. It's not some 00:19:05.730 --> 00:19:10.069 Grand or a novel idea that humans are mortal 00:19:10.069 --> 00:19:14.029 and life is not predictable in many ways, but 00:19:14.029 --> 00:19:18.190 I don't know many people that actually Live it 00:19:18.190 --> 00:19:20.970 out on a regular basis like that idea becomes 00:19:20.970 --> 00:19:23.549 a part of just how they live it out And I think 00:19:23.549 --> 00:19:26.140 I wonder if that's the difference between you 00:19:26.140 --> 00:19:30.019 know, acknowledging it as some sort of theory 00:19:30.019 --> 00:19:33.839 versus having it just part of be the way that 00:19:33.839 --> 00:19:38.119 you live your life. I imagine it's hard to plan 00:19:38.119 --> 00:19:40.240 for the future if you think that there's actually 00:19:40.240 --> 00:19:44.240 a decent chance. If you really believe in the 00:19:44.240 --> 00:19:45.980 way that you make decisions about your life, 00:19:46.039 --> 00:19:47.700 you really believe that there's a chance that 00:19:47.700 --> 00:19:49.980 there's no tomorrow, a chance that you could 00:19:49.980 --> 00:19:52.380 die at any moment. If you really believe that, 00:19:52.380 --> 00:19:55.400 I imagine that the way that you live your life 00:19:55.400 --> 00:19:57.880 and plan for the future would look very, very 00:19:57.880 --> 00:20:02.319 different. You know, when that drive -by happened, 00:20:02.440 --> 00:20:05.259 I was both angry at my parents for letting me 00:20:05.259 --> 00:20:08.400 live in that kind of a neighborhood, but it also 00:20:08.400 --> 00:20:11.059 embedded me with a sense that tomorrow just isn't 00:20:11.059 --> 00:20:14.369 promised. That's kind of how I felt with the 00:20:14.369 --> 00:20:16.509 people around me. We just all live like that. 00:20:16.650 --> 00:20:17.990 There was like, there was no tomorrow. There 00:20:17.990 --> 00:20:20.730 was no planning long term, whether it was about 00:20:20.730 --> 00:20:24.490 our education or career or finances or even the 00:20:24.490 --> 00:20:26.549 consequences of crime. It was hard to anyways. 00:20:26.950 --> 00:20:29.230 It was hard to plan long term. It was hard to 00:20:29.230 --> 00:20:31.829 plan for the future because when the future is 00:20:31.829 --> 00:20:34.250 that unstable for you, like then you just become 00:20:34.250 --> 00:20:37.009 open to doing things that give you what you need 00:20:37.009 --> 00:20:39.730 in the here and now to the point that maybe it 00:20:39.730 --> 00:20:42.259 seems irrational. If you think of it in long 00:20:42.259 --> 00:20:44.660 term. If you think about it in the long run. 00:20:45.119 --> 00:20:48.420 Things like assaults, robbery, murder, drug use 00:20:48.420 --> 00:20:53.039 or drug dealing. These are all on the table when 00:20:53.039 --> 00:20:55.680 tomorrow is not a concern. Why would I worry 00:20:55.680 --> 00:20:58.019 about drug overdose if today might be the last 00:20:58.019 --> 00:21:01.779 day I get to live and enjoy my life? Why would 00:21:01.779 --> 00:21:03.980 I worry about getting caught tomorrow for a robbery 00:21:03.980 --> 00:21:09.680 when I need stuff now? Why would you worry about 00:21:10.269 --> 00:21:12.670 anything in the future, why would you even be 00:21:12.670 --> 00:21:16.190 thinking about it and planning for it? Might 00:21:16.190 --> 00:21:20.730 as well just try to do what you can do now. Death 00:21:20.730 --> 00:21:23.210 at that point is no longer a theory, it's just 00:21:23.210 --> 00:21:26.210 a reality that you face every day. And viewing 00:21:26.210 --> 00:21:29.529 the world through these lenses makes you want 00:21:29.529 --> 00:21:32.650 to, or at least capable of doing a whole lot 00:21:32.650 --> 00:21:37.670 of shady shit. A whole lot. Just think about 00:21:37.670 --> 00:21:40.940 this, right? Like if If you thought that there 00:21:40.940 --> 00:21:43.380 was no tomorrow, I mean, I've seen these like, 00:21:43.380 --> 00:21:46.819 you know, movies about the world ending, right? 00:21:46.980 --> 00:21:50.359 Or you have like pending apocalypse or something, 00:21:50.500 --> 00:21:53.380 right? And, you know, just look at how people 00:21:53.380 --> 00:21:57.539 act when tomorrow isn't promised. They will engage 00:21:57.539 --> 00:22:01.299 in all kinds of risky, atrocious behaviors towards 00:22:01.299 --> 00:22:05.680 one another. Honestly, there was a time when 00:22:05.680 --> 00:22:10.680 I was absorbed in the music of DMX and Eminem, 00:22:10.720 --> 00:22:12.720 if any of you are familiar with them. I mean, 00:22:12.819 --> 00:22:14.500 I love hip hop as an art form just generally. 00:22:14.680 --> 00:22:17.039 There's a lot in hip hop music that kind of spoke 00:22:17.039 --> 00:22:20.539 to me in my life circumstances, right? But the 00:22:20.539 --> 00:22:23.299 MCs who spoke honestly of the darkness that consumes 00:22:23.299 --> 00:22:26.240 them, those MCs, they spoke to me in a much, 00:22:26.279 --> 00:22:29.009 much deeper way. I mean, I have respect and love 00:22:29.009 --> 00:22:33.349 for the Jay -Zs and Nasas and Tupacs of the world. 00:22:34.589 --> 00:22:37.089 You know, Outkast, I was a big fan of Outkast. 00:22:37.670 --> 00:22:40.730 They all painted vivid pictures of growing up 00:22:40.730 --> 00:22:44.029 and dealing with life struggles and what they 00:22:44.029 --> 00:22:47.670 observed in a broken world around them. And, 00:22:47.670 --> 00:22:50.089 you know, a lot of them also spoke of how to 00:22:50.089 --> 00:22:53.269 uplift both themselves and their community. I 00:22:53.269 --> 00:22:55.690 became, at some point, a huge fan of Most Def, 00:22:56.009 --> 00:22:58.839 Yacine Bay. But DMX and Eminem were different. 00:22:59.119 --> 00:23:02.180 They spoke heavily on the darkness that resided 00:23:02.180 --> 00:23:04.839 within themselves. I mean, there would be days 00:23:04.839 --> 00:23:07.799 when I would just listen to DMX's prayers and 00:23:07.799 --> 00:23:10.400 his songs conversing with the devil. He has a 00:23:10.400 --> 00:23:12.720 string of these songs. It was a theme across 00:23:12.720 --> 00:23:14.839 his albums, right? Where he would have these 00:23:14.839 --> 00:23:18.279 conversations with a personified devil that's 00:23:18.279 --> 00:23:20.279 tempting him into doing all kinds of things, 00:23:20.319 --> 00:23:23.839 right? Or then his prayers, right? His prayers 00:23:23.839 --> 00:23:26.460 would break me down, like... I'm not joking when 00:23:26.460 --> 00:23:29.559 I say DMX was like my spiritual leader in some 00:23:29.559 --> 00:23:34.019 ways, right? His prayers moved me, broke me down, 00:23:34.039 --> 00:23:38.039 brought me down to tears. What was interesting 00:23:38.039 --> 00:23:42.500 about his discussions of that internal struggle 00:23:42.500 --> 00:23:45.700 was that the darkness wasn't on the outside. 00:23:46.319 --> 00:23:51.200 His circumstances had him facing these demons, 00:23:51.319 --> 00:23:54.140 but these demons were dialogues that he was having 00:23:54.140 --> 00:23:57.390 internally. right? The darkness found a home 00:23:57.390 --> 00:24:00.710 inside himself, right? And that's what I felt 00:24:00.710 --> 00:24:05.130 when I listened to DMX. I felt the same way of, 00:24:05.130 --> 00:24:08.269 you know, like I was thrown into a world that 00:24:08.269 --> 00:24:10.650 I didn't have any control over, like what was 00:24:10.650 --> 00:24:13.990 going on around me, but what became clear at 00:24:13.990 --> 00:24:17.230 some point was that the stuff happening out there 00:24:17.230 --> 00:24:20.710 found a home inside me and it became a part of 00:24:20.710 --> 00:24:23.130 who I was. It became part of the way that I viewed 00:24:23.130 --> 00:24:25.410 people. It became a part of the way that I viewed 00:24:25.410 --> 00:24:27.910 the world. It became part of the way I viewed 00:24:27.910 --> 00:24:32.109 society, organizations, governments, police. 00:24:32.170 --> 00:24:35.809 It shaped a lot of my perception, true or not. 00:24:35.829 --> 00:24:38.349 It shaped a lot of my perception of the world 00:24:38.349 --> 00:24:41.869 because it wasn't just stuff happening out there 00:24:41.869 --> 00:24:45.690 and my internal world was somehow immune or isolated 00:24:45.690 --> 00:24:49.869 from it. No, that became a part of how I started 00:24:49.869 --> 00:24:52.849 looking out into the world. Eminem did the same 00:24:52.849 --> 00:24:54.589 thing for me as well, right? I remember when 00:24:54.589 --> 00:24:56.950 Eminem first came out, so many people were all 00:24:56.950 --> 00:25:00.029 up in arms about his violent and misogynistic 00:25:00.029 --> 00:25:02.269 lyrics, right? Look, I'm not going to try to 00:25:02.269 --> 00:25:04.589 justify anything that he has said in any of these 00:25:04.589 --> 00:25:07.009 albums. I definitely don't endorse anyone doing 00:25:07.009 --> 00:25:09.549 a lot of things that he speaks of in his music. 00:25:09.750 --> 00:25:12.269 I mean, specifically... I mean, there's a lot 00:25:12.269 --> 00:25:13.710 of, I'll be honest with you, I love Eminem, but 00:25:13.710 --> 00:25:15.990 there's a lot of bad albums that Eminem has put 00:25:15.990 --> 00:25:18.250 out. But the ones I really, I remember hit me 00:25:18.250 --> 00:25:20.089 hard when I was young was the Slim Shady and 00:25:20.089 --> 00:25:22.569 Marshall Mathers LP. If you ever listen to the 00:25:22.569 --> 00:25:25.890 song Kim, I think that song must have been banned 00:25:25.890 --> 00:25:27.690 from some of these countries. Like that is a 00:25:27.690 --> 00:25:32.190 disturbing ass song. I'm not even going to try 00:25:32.190 --> 00:25:34.109 to recap what happens in it. So I'm not trying 00:25:34.109 --> 00:25:35.470 to say that anyone should go out and do these 00:25:35.470 --> 00:25:37.569 things. But I want to point something out. What 00:25:37.569 --> 00:25:42.559 resonated for me was just how He would describe 00:25:42.559 --> 00:25:44.619 his living conditions, what he grew up in, what 00:25:44.619 --> 00:25:49.799 he observed from his mom and drug use, the violence, 00:25:50.019 --> 00:25:52.799 the poverty, living in a trailer park, right? 00:25:53.039 --> 00:25:56.259 And you could see in his music just how much 00:25:56.259 --> 00:26:01.220 it shaped him. It shaped the rage that he felt. 00:26:01.380 --> 00:26:07.579 It shaped the way that he... would feel towards 00:26:07.579 --> 00:26:09.759 people in his lives, like the way he felt towards 00:26:09.759 --> 00:26:15.259 his mom and the mother of his child. Even if 00:26:15.259 --> 00:26:18.039 you wanted to keep all this stuff away from you, 00:26:18.559 --> 00:26:20.900 because you live in it, you just can't escape 00:26:20.900 --> 00:26:23.599 it. It becomes normal, it becomes expected, and 00:26:23.599 --> 00:26:25.559 eventually it just becomes part of your internal 00:26:25.559 --> 00:26:29.500 world. It just colors the way you view everything 00:26:29.500 --> 00:26:34.950 about the world. You can't not be impacted by 00:26:34.950 --> 00:26:37.890 seeing all of this happen on a day to day basis. 00:26:38.289 --> 00:26:43.089 And you can't deny its impact, especially when 00:26:43.089 --> 00:26:46.690 it's happening to you at some of your most formative 00:26:46.690 --> 00:26:53.230 years in your childhood. And that is the one 00:26:53.230 --> 00:26:57.109 thing that still rings true for me. I still can't 00:26:57.109 --> 00:27:00.289 shake any of the things that I've seen. I can 00:27:00.289 --> 00:27:03.750 be in a completely safe neighborhood. I could 00:27:03.750 --> 00:27:08.390 read up on the crime statistics to find out that 00:27:08.390 --> 00:27:11.269 there isn't even one instance of a home invasion, 00:27:11.549 --> 00:27:14.789 and I'd still be paranoid. I mean, I currently 00:27:14.789 --> 00:27:17.029 live in a neighborhood where there's, like, they 00:27:17.029 --> 00:27:20.049 set up cameras everywhere, and, you know, I know 00:27:20.049 --> 00:27:22.230 some of the people around me, and these are all 00:27:22.230 --> 00:27:24.289 family people. Some of them are like grandparents. 00:27:24.450 --> 00:27:26.849 Some of them are, you know, retired, and they're 00:27:26.849 --> 00:27:31.119 just living their life. But even so, I could 00:27:31.119 --> 00:27:33.480 know all that in my head, right? Rationally, 00:27:33.900 --> 00:27:36.279 I tell myself that. But when I leave the house, 00:27:37.059 --> 00:27:42.079 I just always have this strange, anxious feeling, 00:27:42.079 --> 00:27:45.599 you know, that my neighbors, not strangers, that 00:27:45.599 --> 00:27:48.799 my neighbors are going to rob me. That even the 00:27:48.799 --> 00:27:50.640 little elementary school kids that live in this 00:27:50.640 --> 00:27:53.619 neighborhood, that they're going to rob me. Or 00:27:53.619 --> 00:27:56.859 that they would not just steal my shit. Even 00:27:56.859 --> 00:28:01.059 worse, they might kill me. It's not based on 00:28:01.059 --> 00:28:03.240 anything. I mean, like, look, if you were to 00:28:03.240 --> 00:28:05.839 lay down the facts of the case and I were to 00:28:05.839 --> 00:28:09.119 sit down and put my rational brain on, and I 00:28:09.119 --> 00:28:11.880 could just go down and say, oh, yeah, let's give 00:28:11.880 --> 00:28:13.440 percentages of what's likely to happen and what's 00:28:13.440 --> 00:28:16.940 not, there's no reason to any of this, but I 00:28:16.940 --> 00:28:19.539 feel it. I feel it. I try to deny it, but it's 00:28:19.539 --> 00:28:23.660 there. Here's another way. When I hear pops going 00:28:23.660 --> 00:28:27.779 off on the 4th of July, right, from those fireworks, 00:28:29.200 --> 00:28:31.880 I wonder if some of them are actually gunshots. 00:28:33.960 --> 00:28:37.259 It is a real thought that crosses my mind. I 00:28:37.259 --> 00:28:39.259 mean, these are not all consuming thoughts to 00:28:39.259 --> 00:28:42.339 the point where I'm fearful and isolating myself 00:28:42.339 --> 00:28:43.960 from everyone else, but the thought does cross 00:28:43.960 --> 00:28:47.579 my mind. They're always there, lurking somewhere 00:28:47.579 --> 00:28:50.519 in the back of my mind. I don't know if it'll 00:28:50.519 --> 00:28:54.180 ever go away. And what I'm trying to point out 00:28:54.180 --> 00:28:57.349 is this, like, look. Once you've had these experiences 00:28:57.349 --> 00:29:00.289 in those formative years and they were big enough 00:29:00.289 --> 00:29:02.650 and impactful to shape the way that you view 00:29:02.650 --> 00:29:07.750 the world, like reason can't combat it. I don't 00:29:07.750 --> 00:29:11.250 know what it's going to take. Because even to 00:29:11.250 --> 00:29:14.309 this day, I can't shake these feelings that I've 00:29:14.309 --> 00:29:17.849 got. Because it's not about what's out there 00:29:17.849 --> 00:29:20.630 anymore. I could change everything about the 00:29:20.630 --> 00:29:24.390 world around me. I could change everything about 00:29:24.619 --> 00:29:28.460 the neighborhood and my living situation and 00:29:28.460 --> 00:29:30.819 all of it. I could install whatever security 00:29:30.819 --> 00:29:35.700 system I want to. I could try to limit the kind 00:29:35.700 --> 00:29:38.240 of people that I engage with. I could do all 00:29:38.240 --> 00:29:41.200 of that, and yet all these same thoughts will 00:29:41.200 --> 00:29:45.019 be running in the back of my head. Because at 00:29:45.019 --> 00:29:46.700 some point, it just stops being about what's 00:29:46.700 --> 00:29:48.339 actually real. It stops being about what's out 00:29:48.339 --> 00:29:55.710 there. What's clear to me is that it stops being 00:29:55.710 --> 00:29:57.150 about what's out there and becomes more about 00:29:57.150 --> 00:30:00.329 what's in me. And what's in me is this sense 00:30:00.329 --> 00:30:04.509 that I can never let my guard down. I can never 00:30:04.509 --> 00:30:08.529 let my guard down. Because the moment I do, that's 00:30:08.529 --> 00:30:09.109 when you get shot.