WEBVTT

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So, let's see, where to begin? I think maybe

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it would be helpful to begin with the earliest

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memory I had. I know that there's some stuff

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that happened before I could remember when I

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was still alive. So I remember my parents telling

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me stories that we had moved to the United States

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from South Korea. Actually, I was still in my

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mother's womb. So I wasn't actually born in Korea.

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I was actually born here in the United States.

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And they would tell me stories about living in

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a studio apartment with my uncles and aunt. in

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a tiny little space while they try to kind of

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scrape things together. And I know there are

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stories of my dad telling me how he used to clean

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pools and, you know, clean toilets and stuff

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for people in Bel Air, as well as, like, UCLA

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students. He was one of those workers. But, you

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know, I didn't actually have any memory of any

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of that. My first memory actually was in Koreatown.

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I still vividly remember that two -story home

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that we lived in. My father at the time was a

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junior pastor or intern. I'm not exactly sure

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what the title is. All I knew was that he wasn't

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the head pastor. He wasn't the head honcho. He

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wasn't in charge. And that my mom was running

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a home daycare center on the first floor of this

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house. We lived on the second floor. There's

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two bedrooms up there, I think. Maybe three.

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No, I think it was two. Bedrooms up there that

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we used to live. And then on the first floor,

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it was just completely taken up by the home daycare

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center. It was just basically exactly what you

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expect from a daycare center, with toys, educational

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material, the backyard, everything. It was kind

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of set up for a daycare. What I do remember of

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that time, and this was, you know, I'm thinking

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like this was back in like second, first grade,

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second grade. What I remember was that we were

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comfortable. We weren't rich. I didn't get to

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have much and, you know, I didn't get a lot of

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like nice toys or anything like that. But we

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were comfortable. We weren't poor. We had plenty

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to make sure that we got the basic necessities

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of life, right? Like food on the table, being

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able to pay rent, things like that. And because

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both my parents worked, my grandma was from my

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mom's side, came to live with us. And I still

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have wonderful memories of her being around,

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taking care of me and my younger brother, my

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only sibling. And I still remember how she would

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feed us this rice mixed with margarine and soy

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sauce. And then she topped it off with like sliced

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and pan fried spam. It is probably the most.

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unhealthiest thing that a kid should be eating.

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But, you know, I think I loved it at the time.

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And then that made my grandma happy. And then

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so she would just constantly make it for me anytime

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I said I was hungry. So, you know, those are

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the early memories. There wasn't too much there.

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I'll probably share more about that time, that

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short period that I was, I can remember from

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living there. But what I do remember vividly

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is in third grade. Actually, it was going into

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third grade, so I think I was just finishing

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up second grade. My dad decided to take up a

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new position as a lead pastor at a church out

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in Redlands, which was about an hour to an hour

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and a half east of Los Angeles. I didn't know

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it at the time. But after the fact, you know,

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just hearing through the grapevine, I found out

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that there was probably some drama going on in

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the church that my dad was pastoring at in Koreatown,

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namely some internal tension, something about

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jealousy or some issue with like the pastoral

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staff. Not a surprise. You'll see that this is

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probably going to be a theme throughout a lot

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of the reason for the constant shifting work.

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work situation for my dad. But Redlands, initially

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when we moved there, it wasn't so bad. I mean,

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except for maybe the unbearable summer heat,

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it was just like any other suburban town. It

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was fairly safe. It was a lot more, how do you

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say this? It was less condensed than it was in

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Koreatown. The demographics there, there weren't

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as many Korean people crammed into a small space.

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So there were just less people around. So I ended

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up playing with like the neighborhood kids. Actually,

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now that I think about it, it wasn't just the

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unbearable summer heat. It was actually probably

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heat all year round. The heat was pretty bad.

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But other than that, there wasn't anything particularly

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unique or interesting about Redlands, at least

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when I moved there at the time. So this must

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have been in, when was it? 1987? No, 1988, 1989.

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1990? I don't know. Somewhere in that period.

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I'm very bad with dates. My memory's never been

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good with this regard. What I remember was that

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the church that my dad was leading was fairly

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small. The person that was there, the pastor

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that was there, was aging and had to retire.

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But it was a church that was built up and had

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a fairly stable community, a number of people

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that would consistently come. It was always awkward

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making new friends at the church or adjusting

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to like these things. But, you know, I do remember

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that it wasn't like the worst thing in the world

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because I had made friends fairly early on. Now,

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it wasn't like... a large batch of friends. I

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wasn't like popular or anything, but I had some

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friends that kind of made it an easier transition.

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I think it didn't help that on the first day

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of school, I had this shirt from a Bible camp,

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a summer Bible camp that said, friend to you

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in the shape of a California license plate. And

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I remember the friend that I made teased me for

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it, but we became friends afterwards. And this

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was in third grade. And I remember we ended up

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playing in the monkey bars quite regularly. He

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was one of the first friends I made. But, you

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know, it has to be expected. What do you expect

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from elementary school kids? They're going to

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tease you, but this is how we bonded. At the

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time, I just didn't like the moving and adjusting

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to something new. And this is, I guess, I'm guessing

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it would be normal for any kid, right? If you

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kind of had started to develop a sense of belonging,

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a sense of community, started to feel kind of

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more comfortable where you were at, and then

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you kind of get uprooted. It's going to be a

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struggle. So I remember I didn't like that. And

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I remember complaining about that quite a bit.

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You know, getting dragged out there with no say.

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And then the heat also just added on to things

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that I had reason to complain about. But when

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I think back, it's like, other than that, there

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wasn't really much that was particularly worthy

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of me getting really upset over. But something

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changed, and something changed, and it happened

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pretty quickly. Like I said, when we were in

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Koreatown, we were fairly okay. It wasn't rich,

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it wasn't poor, we just had enough. And even

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in Redlands, when we first started off, it was

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pretty much more of the same. But I was too young

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to understand at the time. All I knew was that

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the church membership started declining every

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year. Less and less people started coming to

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church. And, you know, I'm a kid, so I don't

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know exactly why or what's going on. Parents,

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you know, adults always try to kind of keep me

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in the dark. But, you know, I did come to find

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out, even as a kid, you're perceptive because

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you overhear conversations. And I think adults

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often don't give kids credit for just how much

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they can understand. But I did know that there

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was some sort of conflict going on in the church.

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There was a real issue going on in the church

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where people were not liking other people in

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the church. I don't know why, but there was something

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going on. And as a result, there was a continuous

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drop in the membership. And I remember by the

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end of elementary school, the membership declined

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so much that the church couldn't pay the rent

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for the space they were borrowing. They were

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borrowing space from another church, and then

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the church had to move. And this is, I think,

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seeing this in real time is, I think, where I

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started developing my first anxiety about money.

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about having any sort of sense of stability,

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financially anyways. You see, my dad's paycheck

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was tied to what the church brought in, right?

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So if there were no tithing, no offerings from

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the congregation members, if there were no congregation

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members to give tithes, there was no salary.

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And as a result, my dad made nothing. And that

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was the case I found out. I mean, it was pretty

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rough. more rough than I had thought when we

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first got to Redlands, but it became dramatically

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worse fairly quickly. And my mom was out there

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working, trying to make ends meet the best she

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could, working a bunch of odd, low -paying, minimum

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-wage jobs here and there to try to at least

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scrape up money to pay the rent. You know, my

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mom was extremely supportive of my dad in the

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sense that she wanted my dad to succeed. So she

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didn't want my dad taking on another job. She

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wanted him to continue with his pastoral care

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and investing his time and energy there. So my

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dad continued serving the community best he could.

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But in elementary school, I began to become really

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aware just how poor I was. See, the thing is,

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like. I think if you're around a bunch of other

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poor kids, you don't notice, but I think being

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in a suburban area where most kids were kind

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of like middle class and they had most things

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they needed kind of taken care of, seeing my

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family go through this kind of financial struggle,

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I became very aware of just how little we had,

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not just by comparing myself to other kids, but...

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Again, kids are, I think, a lot more perceptive

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than adults give them credit for. I was very

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much aware of my parents' financials because

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I understood math by that age. And I could see

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their checking account balance, right? I don't

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remember why, but I was sneaking into the room

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and looking through their stuff. I don't know

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if it was sheer curiosity or what. But when I

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would look at the checkbook and look at the balance,

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I was like, oh, my goodness, we're in the red

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regularly, right? Like, we have nothing saved

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up, right? And I knew that, even knew that they

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hid cash in the closet. And I could actually

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count how much cash they had as a backup, you

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know, hiding in the closet. And it wasn't much.

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It wasn't much. It was enough. It wasn't even

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enough to pay the next month's rent, right? It

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was barely enough to just like. pay utilities,

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for instance. But I also had a lot of other signs

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that indicated to me, man, we were in a really

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bad spot. So for one, I didn't get new clothes

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for the longest time. At least I didn't get to

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buy any clothes from stores. That was too much

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of a financial burden on my parents to buy new

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clothes. What I did get were clothes that were

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donated to the church. To sell for yard sale,

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to raise funds, and so on. And lucky me, I got

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to get the first dibs on those clothes. Usually

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those clothes were donated. I mean, there were

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some church members who were, what do you call

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it, who ran stores at Swamp Meets. And so they

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would have these t -shirts. blank white t -shirts

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uh some knockoffs and they would donate some

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of that if they weren't selling they would donate

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that to the church uh and so sometimes it was

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like new right like other people didn't wear

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but most of the time there were clothes that

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you know were hand -me -downs right things that

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other people had worn and it was kind of tattered

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sometimes they were like issues with it or rips

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or things like that that my mom might try to

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sew and fix right those new clothes by the way

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they were donated I mean if you're not familiar

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with knockoffs right I mean maybe nowadays knockoffs

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look a little bit better but back in those days

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right man those were pretty they're like misaligned

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pants and misprints those knockoffs were clearly

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knockoffs too it wasn't even close right so you

00:12:25.980 --> 00:12:28.299
might know about the brand FUBU I didn't get

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FUBU I got like FOBU FOBU or some some other

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right look alike. Adidas, I didn't get, I didn't

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have Adidas. I remember it was like Adiolas or

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something, right? It was something that looked

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kind of like Adidas, but when you actually paid

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careful attention, it was definitely not an Adidas,

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right? But even then, there were only so many

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clothes that I could wear, right? Matching sizes,

00:12:50.299 --> 00:12:53.570
things like that. Or things that I wouldn't feel

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completely embarrassed wearing, right? Based

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on color or print or whatever else. So I remember

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that this is going into junior high. I remember

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I had like two pairs of pants that I would rotate

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and maybe like four t -shirts. And that was what

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I would rotate throughout the year. This was...

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Definitely in elementary high, but I have more

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vivid memories of that being the case in junior

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high, mainly because I was teased for it. And

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again, kids are going to be kids, understandably

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so. And I have really painful memories of, you

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know, kids pointing out like, didn't you wear

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those pants like two days ago? Like, do you only

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have like two pairs? Like people notice. I didn't

00:13:32.100 --> 00:13:33.539
realize people know. I thought I could get away

00:13:33.539 --> 00:13:35.799
with it if I just change out the shirts or something.

00:13:35.799 --> 00:13:39.179
Right. But no. They noticed. I tried to play

00:13:39.179 --> 00:13:40.940
it off and say, no, I just have multiples of

00:13:40.940 --> 00:13:45.220
the same thing. But I really didn't. I remember

00:13:45.220 --> 00:13:48.620
getting jeans was a big deal because jeans were

00:13:48.620 --> 00:13:51.600
so expensive for my parents that, you know, getting

00:13:51.600 --> 00:13:55.000
my first pair of jeans was like, oh, my goodness.

00:13:55.059 --> 00:13:58.279
Now I'm OK. Now I'm on par with everybody else.

00:13:58.480 --> 00:14:02.980
And that wasn't until junior high. I think, yeah,

00:14:03.100 --> 00:14:06.100
I don't remember going shopping very much, but

00:14:06.100 --> 00:14:08.519
there was once or twice I got to go and purchase

00:14:08.519 --> 00:14:12.000
one thing that I wanted. That's what they were

00:14:12.000 --> 00:14:16.580
able to do for me. Okay. So all this to say,

00:14:16.620 --> 00:14:21.600
right, like, you know, I, you know, man, like

00:14:21.600 --> 00:14:25.460
shopping at swap meets, getting hand -me -downs

00:14:25.460 --> 00:14:28.500
or donated clothes, like it was my first exposure

00:14:28.500 --> 00:14:31.669
to realizing, damn, I'm poor. I'm not just poor.

00:14:31.809 --> 00:14:35.429
I'm like poor, poor, right? Like we're barely

00:14:35.429 --> 00:14:37.690
making ends meet. I have no idea how we're actually

00:14:37.690 --> 00:14:40.090
surviving off the money that my parents are bringing

00:14:40.090 --> 00:14:42.870
in. Like it was a mystery to me. I always had

00:14:42.870 --> 00:14:44.190
the suspicion that maybe there was something

00:14:44.190 --> 00:14:47.509
illegal going on or, you know, somebody was funding

00:14:47.509 --> 00:14:50.470
something and some illegal. I just couldn't make

00:14:50.470 --> 00:14:51.990
sense of it. The numbers didn't make sense to

00:14:51.990 --> 00:14:55.080
me. Again, I was a kid, but still a lot of it

00:14:55.080 --> 00:14:57.419
didn't make sense. But I do know that we were

00:14:57.419 --> 00:15:00.000
poor, poor. I'm talking like below the poverty

00:15:00.000 --> 00:15:02.899
line poor, which on a side note, okay, I don't

00:15:02.899 --> 00:15:05.259
know who comes up with these, the poverty line

00:15:05.259 --> 00:15:08.019
for any of these social support programs. I remember

00:15:08.019 --> 00:15:10.779
my parents would, you know, like apply for these

00:15:10.779 --> 00:15:12.600
things and they weren't very good at English.

00:15:12.639 --> 00:15:15.360
So I had to help them out even as, you know,

00:15:15.360 --> 00:15:18.409
even at an early age. And I would see that there

00:15:18.409 --> 00:15:20.049
was like a cutoff, like you needed to make below

00:15:20.049 --> 00:15:23.110
a certain amount or have a certain like less

00:15:23.110 --> 00:15:24.950
than a certain amount in the bank in order to

00:15:24.950 --> 00:15:26.889
apply for some of these programs. And I would

00:15:26.889 --> 00:15:29.289
look at the poverty line and I even as a kid,

00:15:29.330 --> 00:15:30.710
it made absolutely no sense to me because the

00:15:30.710 --> 00:15:33.740
poverty line. is a joke, right? If you are below

00:15:33.740 --> 00:15:35.960
the poverty line, you're like next level poor.

00:15:36.220 --> 00:15:38.720
Because I do know for sure that even if you were

00:15:38.720 --> 00:15:40.940
above this poverty line, I don't know how they

00:15:40.940 --> 00:15:43.320
said it, but whatever it was that poverty line

00:15:43.320 --> 00:15:45.399
was, even if you were like a good, you know,

00:15:45.419 --> 00:15:47.960
$1 ,000, $2 ,000, $3 ,000 a year above that poverty

00:15:47.960 --> 00:15:50.320
line, you were still broke as hell. Like you

00:15:50.320 --> 00:15:52.440
could probably not even live month to month.

00:15:52.519 --> 00:15:53.620
So I don't know where they came up with this

00:15:53.620 --> 00:15:56.580
line, but that was a line, right? And we were

00:15:56.580 --> 00:15:59.580
below it. I know this for sure because I had

00:15:59.580 --> 00:16:01.379
to help my parents with tax returns and other

00:16:01.379 --> 00:16:04.120
things. Even in junior high, I had to help them

00:16:04.120 --> 00:16:07.679
with a lot of the government documents for church

00:16:07.679 --> 00:16:12.259
as well. Okay. But I'm talking like if we had

00:16:12.259 --> 00:16:13.840
one bad month, we would have been on the streets.

00:16:14.580 --> 00:16:18.240
Like that's how bad it was. I also knew I was

00:16:18.240 --> 00:16:20.639
poor when my parents would have my brother and

00:16:20.639 --> 00:16:23.080
myself jump into large trash bins. You know,

00:16:23.100 --> 00:16:25.080
like the commercial size ones, the huge ones.

00:16:25.279 --> 00:16:27.860
And they would have us dig out recyclables so

00:16:27.860 --> 00:16:30.679
that we had money to pay for basic utilities

00:16:30.679 --> 00:16:32.899
and such. You know, I think my brother at the

00:16:32.899 --> 00:16:34.940
time was too young. He thought it was like a

00:16:34.940 --> 00:16:37.879
fun game, like searching for, you know, aluminum

00:16:37.879 --> 00:16:40.539
cans and so on. But I think by then I was old

00:16:40.539 --> 00:16:44.230
enough to feel a deep sense of shame. I remember

00:16:44.230 --> 00:16:48.070
that I would complain incessantly, like I would

00:16:48.070 --> 00:16:51.409
be I would yell that this is like unjust. This

00:16:51.409 --> 00:16:54.450
is not right. This is embarrassing. How could

00:16:54.450 --> 00:16:58.549
you make us do this? I would still do it, you

00:16:58.549 --> 00:17:00.889
know, but I would do it constantly complaining.

00:17:00.970 --> 00:17:03.110
I remember that, you know, because this is not

00:17:03.110 --> 00:17:06.349
like in some quiet corner. This is these are

00:17:06.349 --> 00:17:09.089
in spaces where people would pass by. So I would

00:17:09.089 --> 00:17:11.569
be so ashamed that I would try to hide my face.

00:17:12.210 --> 00:17:15.950
when I saw people coming in that direction. You

00:17:15.950 --> 00:17:18.430
know, there were also some early mornings when

00:17:18.430 --> 00:17:21.849
my parents took us out to this field, actually

00:17:21.849 --> 00:17:24.549
several fields, where actually calling it a field

00:17:24.549 --> 00:17:26.690
is misleading. It was undeveloped property. That's

00:17:26.690 --> 00:17:28.450
really what it was. It was next to local roads.

00:17:28.569 --> 00:17:30.890
I remember one was like next to like a highway.

00:17:31.009 --> 00:17:33.390
I believe it was like the 10 freeway, if you're

00:17:33.390 --> 00:17:38.329
familiar with LA highways. My parents found out

00:17:38.329 --> 00:17:40.210
that there were these plants growing on this.

00:17:40.839 --> 00:17:44.839
property that Korean people, that my dad ate

00:17:44.839 --> 00:17:50.059
as he was growing up in Korea. And, you know,

00:17:50.059 --> 00:17:52.400
the people there in the United States just didn't

00:17:52.400 --> 00:17:54.980
really eat it, right? So for him, it was just

00:17:54.980 --> 00:17:57.160
like food, right? It was like free food. So he

00:17:57.160 --> 00:17:59.440
would have us go out early in the morning to

00:17:59.440 --> 00:18:01.759
dig into the dirt and pick out these plants to

00:18:01.759 --> 00:18:03.880
harvest them. We were foraging for food, essentially.

00:18:04.200 --> 00:18:07.299
And then he would wash them and dry it. He'd

00:18:07.299 --> 00:18:09.339
make food with it, but then he'd also gift them

00:18:09.339 --> 00:18:11.660
to other people. And again, I was super angry.

00:18:11.720 --> 00:18:14.789
I was enraged. I was enraged that I had to do

00:18:14.789 --> 00:18:17.009
this. I constantly complained because I didn't

00:18:17.009 --> 00:18:19.069
think that this was okay to have your kids do.

00:18:19.369 --> 00:18:22.630
I dug around the dirt in shame like I did when

00:18:22.630 --> 00:18:25.289
I dug around the trash in shame. I would constantly

00:18:25.289 --> 00:18:27.069
hide my face because, like I said, this is in

00:18:27.069 --> 00:18:29.410
public space, right? Like cars are passing by.

00:18:29.650 --> 00:18:31.910
People who are commuting to work in the morning

00:18:31.910 --> 00:18:36.190
are passing by and could see a family of, you

00:18:36.190 --> 00:18:39.329
know, Asian people just out in this undeveloped

00:18:39.329 --> 00:18:41.569
land digging in the dirt for, you know, from

00:18:41.569 --> 00:18:45.430
their perspective, God knows what. I also remember

00:18:45.430 --> 00:18:47.410
I never got to see a proper doctor or dentist,

00:18:47.630 --> 00:18:49.730
right? If I saw a dentist, that was probably

00:18:49.730 --> 00:18:52.130
once every like four years. It was because there

00:18:52.130 --> 00:18:53.930
was somebody that my parents knew who was able

00:18:53.930 --> 00:18:56.589
to give it, give us that basic dental service,

00:18:56.650 --> 00:18:59.450
like clean up and check up for free usually,

00:18:59.609 --> 00:19:02.130
but sometimes for like a really discounted price.

00:19:03.769 --> 00:19:07.190
We didn't have health insurance. God knows, you

00:19:07.190 --> 00:19:09.190
know, I didn't know what that was, but we had

00:19:09.190 --> 00:19:11.670
to utilize free clinics. Now, you know, I think

00:19:11.670 --> 00:19:13.369
a lot of people think, oh, it was free clinic,

00:19:13.490 --> 00:19:15.630
right? Pretty good deal, right? You get it for

00:19:15.630 --> 00:19:17.789
free. It's like, you don't understand what free

00:19:17.789 --> 00:19:20.809
clinics were like, right? Like, it was like first

00:19:20.809 --> 00:19:22.230
come, first serve. There was no appointments,

00:19:22.470 --> 00:19:24.329
at least the ones that were available for us.

00:19:24.710 --> 00:19:28.230
And I do have memories of spending like literally

00:19:28.230 --> 00:19:31.339
an entire day just waiting. just bored out of

00:19:31.339 --> 00:19:33.059
my mind, just waiting. And that was the case

00:19:33.059 --> 00:19:35.559
for so many people. We would wait for hours and

00:19:35.559 --> 00:19:38.259
hours because guess what? Turned out there's

00:19:38.259 --> 00:19:40.319
a lot of poor people. And there's a lot of us

00:19:40.319 --> 00:19:43.019
who just had to wait and wait and wait to see

00:19:43.019 --> 00:19:44.799
the doctor. And we just all came as early as

00:19:44.799 --> 00:19:47.500
we could. But, you know, when you have hundreds

00:19:47.500 --> 00:19:50.059
of people waiting and only a few doctors that

00:19:50.059 --> 00:19:53.579
are there to see patients, it took a while. So

00:19:53.579 --> 00:19:55.480
we would spend almost an entire day just waiting

00:19:55.480 --> 00:19:57.579
there to see the doctor for, what, 10 minutes,

00:19:57.640 --> 00:20:02.240
right? get a prescription for asthma medication,

00:20:02.619 --> 00:20:06.380
you know. And because it took so much time out

00:20:06.380 --> 00:20:09.279
of the day, we just couldn't go frequently, just

00:20:09.279 --> 00:20:12.240
couldn't afford to spend that kind of time waiting.

00:20:13.599 --> 00:20:16.480
And, you know, as I mentioned, right, like when

00:20:16.480 --> 00:20:18.559
things went bad in Redlands, one of the things

00:20:18.559 --> 00:20:19.640
that happened with the church is they had to

00:20:19.640 --> 00:20:22.920
move to a cheaper, to rent out cheaper space.

00:20:23.019 --> 00:20:24.819
And they moved to Colton. And that's actually

00:20:24.819 --> 00:20:30.119
when I started spiraling downwards. See, the

00:20:30.119 --> 00:20:33.539
thing is Colton, it's not too far from Redlands.

00:20:34.039 --> 00:20:37.140
Like, it's a 15 -minute drive, which in California

00:20:37.140 --> 00:20:42.359
time, that's like nothing, okay? Colton was kind

00:20:42.359 --> 00:20:45.240
of like the suburbs, kind of, but not quite.

00:20:45.420 --> 00:20:48.319
Like, I have to really describe exactly how it

00:20:48.319 --> 00:20:50.400
was. See, Redlands was like a suburban town with

00:20:50.400 --> 00:20:51.900
a bunch of middle -class people, at least where

00:20:51.900 --> 00:20:54.160
I was, right? So we lived in the apartments,

00:20:54.220 --> 00:20:57.630
but, you know. People were generally like, you

00:20:57.630 --> 00:20:59.769
know, middle class, had steady jobs, right? It

00:20:59.769 --> 00:21:01.950
was like a pretty safe neighborhood. Kids would

00:21:01.950 --> 00:21:03.890
play outside and, you know, parents didn't have

00:21:03.890 --> 00:21:06.230
to like watch them. We played with neighborhood

00:21:06.230 --> 00:21:08.509
kids and, you know, we'd be able to get home

00:21:08.509 --> 00:21:12.069
just fine, just, you know, safe and sound. Colton

00:21:12.069 --> 00:21:15.150
at the time that we moved there was not that.

00:21:15.349 --> 00:21:18.250
At least the area of Colton that we lived in.

00:21:18.670 --> 00:21:21.430
It was run down with little to no commercial

00:21:21.430 --> 00:21:27.119
development. A lot of the homes were old. small,

00:21:27.119 --> 00:21:29.980
it was like, there were clear signs that this

00:21:29.980 --> 00:21:34.619
was not necessarily going to be the, it wasn't

00:21:34.619 --> 00:21:38.940
the nicer area of town. I think there was, at

00:21:38.940 --> 00:21:41.339
least where we lived near the highway, it was

00:21:41.339 --> 00:21:43.920
more like a truck stop that people stopped on

00:21:43.920 --> 00:21:47.920
their way to someplace else. I was told at some

00:21:47.920 --> 00:21:49.519
point that there was a nicer area of Colton,

00:21:49.680 --> 00:21:53.740
a more recently developed area of Colton. But

00:21:53.740 --> 00:21:57.420
that's not where we lived, right? We lived in

00:21:57.420 --> 00:22:01.180
the place that was around and adjacent to and

00:22:01.180 --> 00:22:05.859
very similar in many ways to the city of San

00:22:05.859 --> 00:22:08.319
Bernardino, a city that I don't know. I don't

00:22:08.319 --> 00:22:10.200
have the data, but I have a suspicion that it

00:22:10.200 --> 00:22:12.720
had to have been the murder capital in California

00:22:12.720 --> 00:22:16.579
at some point. That area scared the living daylights

00:22:16.579 --> 00:22:20.039
out of me. But Colton wasn't that much better.

00:22:20.099 --> 00:22:23.559
It was just less condensed and with less, you

00:22:23.559 --> 00:22:26.920
know, like less dense population, really. But

00:22:26.920 --> 00:22:30.779
Colton wasn't all that much better. You had all

00:22:30.779 --> 00:22:34.299
the signs. You had all the signs of a place where

00:22:34.299 --> 00:22:38.140
you knew it was like one step away from being

00:22:38.140 --> 00:22:42.519
a complete broken down shantytown. You know,

00:22:42.559 --> 00:22:44.859
you might have lived in an area like mine. Maybe,

00:22:44.920 --> 00:22:47.779
hopefully, you didn't. But, you know, I have

00:22:47.779 --> 00:22:49.240
visited other cities in California. I've done

00:22:49.240 --> 00:22:52.619
work in a lot of different places and just traveling

00:22:52.619 --> 00:22:55.420
to visit, like, friends or do other things. And

00:22:55.420 --> 00:22:57.859
there are certain parts of California that remind

00:22:57.859 --> 00:22:59.940
me a lot of Colton, so much so that when I get

00:22:59.940 --> 00:23:01.359
there, I'm just like, oh, man, it feels like

00:23:01.359 --> 00:23:03.740
I'm back home. You might be familiar with some

00:23:03.740 --> 00:23:06.039
of these areas. Like, I remember going to Bakersfield

00:23:06.039 --> 00:23:08.940
and certain parts of Fresno. I guess more recently

00:23:08.940 --> 00:23:10.460
there's some parts of Fresno that are nicely

00:23:10.460 --> 00:23:14.509
divided. That wasn't the... The side of Fresno

00:23:14.509 --> 00:23:16.529
is not where I grew up. It was more like the

00:23:16.529 --> 00:23:20.569
area where you see all the graffiti and run -down

00:23:20.569 --> 00:23:24.549
homes, broken -down cars that look honestly like

00:23:24.549 --> 00:23:27.230
junkyards instead of cars that are actually functioning.

00:23:27.869 --> 00:23:30.690
I used to do some volunteer work at Lincoln Heights

00:23:30.690 --> 00:23:35.650
in Los Angeles and Watts and South Central generally,

00:23:35.829 --> 00:23:38.569
right? There's a lot of areas in those areas

00:23:38.569 --> 00:23:42.509
that kind of look and feel like Colton. When

00:23:42.509 --> 00:23:45.109
I was at Villanova, when I was teaching out there,

00:23:45.269 --> 00:23:49.029
this was in Philadelphia, it was Upper Darby

00:23:49.029 --> 00:23:51.710
in West Philadelphia, where I would drive through

00:23:51.710 --> 00:23:53.329
and I'd be like, oh man, this feels so much like

00:23:53.329 --> 00:23:56.390
where I grew up, right? It had all the same signs,

00:23:56.529 --> 00:23:58.569
right? There were bars or, you know, boarded

00:23:58.569 --> 00:24:01.269
up windows to prevent home invasions or to cover

00:24:01.269 --> 00:24:04.269
up. you know, drug activity, the graffiti. And

00:24:04.269 --> 00:24:06.069
I'm not talking like artistic kind of graffiti,

00:24:06.289 --> 00:24:08.210
right? Because you see some of that in downtown

00:24:08.210 --> 00:24:09.890
Los Angeles now, right? Where the graffiti is

00:24:09.890 --> 00:24:11.809
like, I actually admire. It's like, it's pretty

00:24:11.809 --> 00:24:13.950
good art. I'm talking like the kind of graffiti

00:24:13.950 --> 00:24:17.109
where it's not pretty. It's just there to mark

00:24:17.109 --> 00:24:19.750
various sorts of gang or drug activity or something

00:24:19.750 --> 00:24:23.329
else, okay? The homeless encampments, right?

00:24:23.450 --> 00:24:25.650
Like people just like pitching up tent along

00:24:25.650 --> 00:24:31.930
the streets. Frequent police presence. It was

00:24:31.930 --> 00:24:34.869
pretty common. Swam meets, right? Like, if you

00:24:34.869 --> 00:24:36.750
don't know what a swam meet is, then you don't

00:24:36.750 --> 00:24:39.470
know poor areas. Like, this is where poor people

00:24:39.470 --> 00:24:42.609
go to shop is swam meets. And various street

00:24:42.609 --> 00:24:46.170
vendors. Oh, a big one is the Czech cashing stores

00:24:46.170 --> 00:24:48.150
and pawn shops, right? That's when you know you're

00:24:48.150 --> 00:24:51.910
in a poor neighborhood. You know, these are all

00:24:51.910 --> 00:24:56.349
the signs. And every time I visit an area where

00:24:56.349 --> 00:24:58.250
it has all of them, it just feels like home.

00:24:58.640 --> 00:25:00.819
Feels like what it was growing up in Colton,

00:25:00.900 --> 00:25:03.079
which was pretty much all of high school and

00:25:03.079 --> 00:25:08.299
a part of my junior high years. Let's see. Now,

00:25:08.339 --> 00:25:10.279
here's the thing. My mom knew that I still needed

00:25:10.279 --> 00:25:12.299
to get a good education. She cared enough that

00:25:12.299 --> 00:25:15.559
she wanted me to have at least some opportunity.

00:25:15.799 --> 00:25:17.579
So at least she tried to work the public school

00:25:17.579 --> 00:25:20.180
system. So instead of sending me to Colton High

00:25:20.180 --> 00:25:22.019
School, which is, I think, technically where

00:25:22.019 --> 00:25:24.599
I should have gone, she found a way to get me

00:25:24.599 --> 00:25:27.680
in. to Redlands High School and to stay in the

00:25:27.680 --> 00:25:32.920
Redlands Unified School District, which was by

00:25:32.920 --> 00:25:36.940
a lot of measures probably better in terms of

00:25:36.940 --> 00:25:41.599
opportunities. If I wasn't, if she didn't put

00:25:41.599 --> 00:25:43.759
me in that environment, I imagine things could

00:25:43.759 --> 00:25:46.119
have been far worse for me. I could have fallen

00:25:46.119 --> 00:25:48.480
into a lot of different kind of activities, set

00:25:48.480 --> 00:25:50.559
of activities, and probably would not have had

00:25:50.559 --> 00:25:54.130
the same motivation. And the educational side

00:25:54.130 --> 00:25:57.609
of things. But it also did something else. It

00:25:57.609 --> 00:26:05.990
opened my eyes to vast wealth disparity. See,

00:26:06.049 --> 00:26:08.329
here's the thing, right? Like I said, when you're

00:26:08.329 --> 00:26:10.529
around a bunch of poor people, then you're all

00:26:10.529 --> 00:26:13.329
just poor. So it's like life sucks, but it's

00:26:13.329 --> 00:26:16.910
all sucking the same for all of us, right? If

00:26:16.910 --> 00:26:19.950
you are hanging around in a neighborhood where

00:26:19.950 --> 00:26:22.789
people just live different because they have

00:26:22.789 --> 00:26:25.609
so much more, but then you go back home and in

00:26:25.609 --> 00:26:28.589
your home it's like, oh shit, we don't even have

00:26:28.589 --> 00:26:31.670
a proper working air conditioner or heater. Or

00:26:31.670 --> 00:26:34.730
I think our heater was probably one of the reasons

00:26:34.730 --> 00:26:39.390
I got asthma in the first place. If you see that

00:26:39.390 --> 00:26:44.589
kind of difference, then... It opens your eyes

00:26:44.589 --> 00:26:46.990
and makes you start questioning why the world

00:26:46.990 --> 00:26:49.309
is structured the way it is. At least that's

00:26:49.309 --> 00:26:52.470
what it did for me, right? I mean, Redlands at

00:26:52.470 --> 00:26:55.269
the time was a nice area. There weren't iron

00:26:55.269 --> 00:26:58.190
bars on the windows. There wasn't homeless encampments

00:26:58.190 --> 00:27:01.529
all over the place, right? The students, my peers,

00:27:01.710 --> 00:27:03.809
my classmates at Redlands, they could afford

00:27:03.809 --> 00:27:06.690
to go snowboarding in the winter. They were able

00:27:06.690 --> 00:27:08.809
to at least get some designer clothes. I mean,

00:27:08.849 --> 00:27:10.769
actual designer clothes, not the knockoffs, right?

00:27:13.200 --> 00:27:14.839
right smack in front of me. It was, like, smacking

00:27:14.839 --> 00:27:17.180
me in front of my face, right? I remember, like,

00:27:17.259 --> 00:27:21.539
in the tennis team, right, the ones that were,

00:27:21.640 --> 00:27:23.700
like, really, really good, like, they were, like,

00:27:23.720 --> 00:27:27.720
you know, state competitive in the state junior,

00:27:27.880 --> 00:27:30.559
I don't know what it was, league or what. But

00:27:30.559 --> 00:27:33.279
I remember at the end of the year, one of them,

00:27:33.339 --> 00:27:35.680
their parents just said, like, they opened up

00:27:35.680 --> 00:27:37.299
their place to have our end of the year, like,

00:27:37.339 --> 00:27:39.140
party at their house. I remember going to their

00:27:39.140 --> 00:27:40.839
house and thinking, like, what the fuck is this?

00:27:41.480 --> 00:27:43.019
I've never been to a place where they have their

00:27:43.019 --> 00:27:45.160
own little wine cellar. And there were bottles

00:27:45.160 --> 00:27:47.380
of wine in there that they were telling me, like,

00:27:47.420 --> 00:27:50.559
are valued at like $10 ,000, right, for one bottle

00:27:50.559 --> 00:27:53.339
of wine, right? So there were people, especially

00:27:53.339 --> 00:27:56.519
in the, like, you know, not mountain, but it's

00:27:56.519 --> 00:27:59.420
like the hills, Smiley Heights, or I don't know

00:27:59.420 --> 00:28:02.140
what it was, the name. But there were areas where

00:28:02.140 --> 00:28:05.579
they were really, really wealthy, really wealthy.

00:28:05.680 --> 00:28:07.380
Like they had a lot, they drove around nice cars.

00:28:08.349 --> 00:28:11.470
And to see that and then go from that to going

00:28:11.470 --> 00:28:18.970
home, that gap in reality was just so stunning

00:28:18.970 --> 00:28:23.849
to me. And that's the thing. Like, it wasn't

00:28:23.849 --> 00:28:27.930
even that I was, I still had some of my basic

00:28:27.930 --> 00:28:30.369
needs met. It sucked and we had to scrap for

00:28:30.369 --> 00:28:34.450
everything we got. It just baffled my mind that

00:28:34.450 --> 00:28:36.990
15 minutes away, there were people living in

00:28:36.990 --> 00:28:41.130
circumstances where, Jesus Christ, like they

00:28:41.130 --> 00:28:44.109
had like, you know, like 20 years of my parents'

00:28:44.190 --> 00:28:47.289
salary to just blow on whatever they felt like

00:28:47.289 --> 00:28:50.089
for a vacation. Like that was insane to me. That

00:28:50.089 --> 00:28:52.670
was absolutely insane to me. Now, I spent this

00:28:52.670 --> 00:28:55.109
whole time kind of painting pictures of this

00:28:55.109 --> 00:28:58.009
process of going from Koreatown to Redlands.

00:28:58.759 --> 00:29:02.140
Colton, and you might be wondering, why am I

00:29:02.140 --> 00:29:04.940
painting this picture, right? That's what I'm

00:29:04.940 --> 00:29:07.000
trying to say. It's not so much about the poverty

00:29:07.000 --> 00:29:09.660
itself, but my perception of that poverty, I

00:29:09.660 --> 00:29:16.759
think, that really molded my early thoughts on

00:29:16.759 --> 00:29:22.079
economics, on social responsibility, on my feelings

00:29:22.079 --> 00:29:26.640
and attitudes toward the police. It started with...

00:29:27.259 --> 00:29:30.039
not just being poor, but it started with being

00:29:30.039 --> 00:29:33.460
poor and seeing how different things can be.

00:29:34.759 --> 00:29:36.640
See, that's the thing. If I lacked any awareness,

00:29:37.019 --> 00:29:40.019
I might've been perfectly fine. I might've just

00:29:40.019 --> 00:29:42.119
been like, life is hard, but you know, we make

00:29:42.119 --> 00:29:44.200
the most out of it. I think that's kind of like

00:29:44.200 --> 00:29:46.140
how it was for maybe my dad. He lived in the

00:29:46.140 --> 00:29:48.579
countryside and that's where he grew up in the

00:29:48.579 --> 00:29:50.619
countryside and farming community out in South

00:29:50.619 --> 00:29:54.349
Korea. And you know, for them, Everybody just

00:29:54.349 --> 00:29:56.690
had little, right? There weren't big city people.

00:29:57.369 --> 00:29:58.930
They didn't have all the modern technologies

00:29:58.930 --> 00:30:00.990
and so on. But that's how everybody else was

00:30:00.990 --> 00:30:02.970
in the town. So it was kind of like, you know,

00:30:02.990 --> 00:30:06.029
that's just how life was, right? But when you

00:30:06.029 --> 00:30:10.049
see that life can be different, that changes

00:30:10.049 --> 00:30:12.869
your perception of things. Maybe I would have

00:30:12.869 --> 00:30:15.250
been, maybe not fine, but would have been more

00:30:15.250 --> 00:30:18.809
fine with being poor. But I saw what it looked

00:30:18.809 --> 00:30:21.210
like for you to not be poor. And in fact, the

00:30:21.210 --> 00:30:22.890
opposite for what it looked like to be rich.

00:30:23.359 --> 00:30:27.660
to be rich, rich. And that gap made it hard not

00:30:27.660 --> 00:30:33.000
to notice just how little I actually had. And

00:30:33.000 --> 00:30:40.920
as a result, I felt alone. I felt alone. I felt

00:30:40.920 --> 00:30:44.140
like I couldn't be friends with the people around

00:30:44.140 --> 00:30:47.740
me, with my classmates. I was hesitant to. I

00:30:47.740 --> 00:30:50.650
was hesitant to join them for anything. How could

00:30:50.650 --> 00:30:52.950
I? I was afraid that it was going to mean that

00:30:52.950 --> 00:30:55.789
I needed money. Because guess what they're going

00:30:55.789 --> 00:30:57.049
to want to do? They're going to want to do things

00:30:57.049 --> 00:30:59.410
that cost money. How do I hang out with them

00:30:59.410 --> 00:31:01.970
even to go to the movie theaters when, for them,

00:31:01.970 --> 00:31:05.150
a movie theater is just asking parents for the

00:31:05.150 --> 00:31:07.410
ticket price, right? They didn't have to get

00:31:07.410 --> 00:31:09.150
anything nice. They don't have to go buy a big

00:31:09.150 --> 00:31:11.309
bucket of popcorn that's overpriced at the movie

00:31:11.309 --> 00:31:13.230
theater. Just tickets to the movie theater, right?

00:31:13.349 --> 00:31:16.650
For them, it was just more like... I could just

00:31:16.650 --> 00:31:18.589
ask my parents and then if they say yes, I'll

00:31:18.589 --> 00:31:21.250
just be able to pay for it. For me, my parents

00:31:21.250 --> 00:31:24.089
definitely didn't have the money. The way I was

00:31:24.089 --> 00:31:26.549
able to go to a movie theater was that I had

00:31:26.549 --> 00:31:30.250
to, you know, scrape for and save for like a

00:31:30.250 --> 00:31:32.349
whole week, right? My parents gave me, I think

00:31:32.349 --> 00:31:34.210
at the time it was like two bucks for lunch.

00:31:35.150 --> 00:31:39.349
There were so many lunches where I either skipped

00:31:39.349 --> 00:31:42.589
it completely or just bought a 99 cent bag of

00:31:42.589 --> 00:31:47.390
chips for lunch. And that $1 I saved, that would

00:31:47.390 --> 00:31:50.009
be the $1. I didn't get an allowance. Like, where

00:31:50.009 --> 00:31:53.329
was the money for that? And I remember when prom

00:31:53.329 --> 00:31:56.029
time came, the idea of even asking somebody out

00:31:56.029 --> 00:31:59.950
to prom was just unthinkable. For one, the prom

00:31:59.950 --> 00:32:03.109
tickets were too expensive. And on top of that,

00:32:03.210 --> 00:32:05.170
clothes and anything else that had to be prepared,

00:32:05.289 --> 00:32:09.869
like, just didn't make any sense. Not that I

00:32:09.869 --> 00:32:12.400
didn't necessarily want to go. But I would have

00:32:12.400 --> 00:32:14.019
to tell myself that I didn't want to go because

00:32:14.019 --> 00:32:15.940
it didn't matter. I just couldn't afford it.

00:32:17.680 --> 00:32:19.799
Then there was a sense of shame. I mean, I mentioned

00:32:19.799 --> 00:32:22.839
the shame in having to dig through trash for

00:32:22.839 --> 00:32:27.200
recyclables and not having jeans because they

00:32:27.200 --> 00:32:36.880
were too expensive. But there's just a sense

00:32:36.880 --> 00:32:43.750
of shame in knowing that you are... Just not

00:32:43.750 --> 00:32:47.849
where everybody else is. I didn't want to share

00:32:47.849 --> 00:32:50.609
anything about my life with any of my classmates

00:32:50.609 --> 00:32:52.470
in high school. In fact, I wanted to escape high

00:32:52.470 --> 00:32:55.710
school as much as possible. I wanted to hide

00:32:55.710 --> 00:33:01.089
as much of myself as possible. Because for them

00:33:01.089 --> 00:33:04.930
to know me is just to know just what kind of

00:33:04.930 --> 00:33:09.170
a shitty life I'm living. And there's something

00:33:09.170 --> 00:33:13.460
really embarrassing about it. I mean, I don't

00:33:13.460 --> 00:33:14.940
know if any of you know what solo jeans are.

00:33:15.079 --> 00:33:17.279
I mean, I talk about shopping at Swami Terrain.

00:33:17.859 --> 00:33:21.200
If you know what solo jeans are, you know what

00:33:21.200 --> 00:33:23.700
I'm talking about. Even when I had jeans, it

00:33:23.700 --> 00:33:26.140
was those kinds of jeans. And so the idea of

00:33:26.140 --> 00:33:29.599
saying anything about brand names was ridiculous.

00:33:30.279 --> 00:33:33.000
Going shopping with friends just to never be

00:33:33.000 --> 00:33:35.480
able to buy anything. What's the point of that

00:33:35.480 --> 00:33:41.420
except to feel more shame, more isolation? to

00:33:41.420 --> 00:33:45.640
feel more alone. And then finally it hit, right?

00:33:45.720 --> 00:33:49.119
Like all these things, it was all these experiences,

00:33:49.140 --> 00:33:51.900
like along the way, you know, they were all building

00:33:51.900 --> 00:33:54.579
up to something that became deeply embedded within

00:33:54.579 --> 00:34:00.380
me, right? Which was a rage. And rage doesn't

00:34:00.380 --> 00:34:06.119
honestly describe what was being fueled in me.

00:34:07.559 --> 00:34:10.599
It's a kind of rage that... I can't put words

00:34:10.599 --> 00:34:16.039
to. It's an overwhelming kind of rage. And I

00:34:16.039 --> 00:34:17.719
didn't understand exactly what it was at the

00:34:17.719 --> 00:34:19.559
time. I just knew that I hated my life. I just

00:34:19.559 --> 00:34:22.280
hated the world. I hated everybody. I hated everything

00:34:22.280 --> 00:34:28.199
about everything. I just hated and hated because

00:34:28.199 --> 00:34:31.400
there was no way to contain this rage. It was

00:34:31.400 --> 00:34:34.159
just spilling out at any and everything that

00:34:34.159 --> 00:34:36.840
was around me. Even when I put a smile on my

00:34:36.840 --> 00:34:38.639
face, even when I would try to be friendly with

00:34:38.639 --> 00:34:41.190
people, there was always an undertone of this

00:34:41.190 --> 00:34:45.590
rage. I mean, how can some of my classmates have

00:34:45.590 --> 00:34:48.949
a huge home and be able to afford all the different

00:34:48.949 --> 00:34:51.610
perks of helping them get into a good college

00:34:51.610 --> 00:34:55.010
and go on these vacations every year to go overseas

00:34:55.010 --> 00:34:58.829
when my parents could barely find ways to afford

00:34:58.829 --> 00:35:03.670
food on the table, to pay the rent, to keep the

00:35:03.670 --> 00:35:07.880
lights on? How does that make any sense? I mean,

00:35:07.900 --> 00:35:09.860
I knew that I didn't do anything to deserve this.

00:35:11.659 --> 00:35:14.539
I mean, I blame my parents a lot, but I knew

00:35:14.539 --> 00:35:16.019
that I didn't do anything to deserve it because

00:35:16.019 --> 00:35:18.239
it wasn't my, I mean, I was a kid. How am I supposed

00:35:18.239 --> 00:35:21.800
to be able to bring myself and my family out

00:35:21.800 --> 00:35:25.099
of poverty? In elementary school, in junior high,

00:35:25.179 --> 00:35:26.440
in high school, how am I supposed to do that?

00:35:27.559 --> 00:35:30.559
But the thing is, I felt stuck in it. There was

00:35:30.559 --> 00:35:34.599
no way out. And I was angry. I was an angry,

00:35:34.760 --> 00:35:38.869
angry young boy. And because I didn't have anywhere

00:35:38.869 --> 00:35:41.989
to put it, I just started acting out. Now, I

00:35:41.989 --> 00:35:46.949
try my best to keep it within and contained in

00:35:46.949 --> 00:35:48.789
a way that was more or less healthy. I mean,

00:35:48.809 --> 00:35:50.250
there was part of me that still thought long

00:35:50.250 --> 00:35:53.329
term enough to know that, you know, going down

00:35:53.329 --> 00:35:55.630
a certain path would be detrimental to myself.

00:35:56.849 --> 00:35:59.750
Some of it was relatively healthy. I became extremely

00:35:59.750 --> 00:36:04.489
competitive in academics. And in academics, I

00:36:04.489 --> 00:36:08.809
had one goal. It was to get the fuck out. It

00:36:08.809 --> 00:36:12.030
wasn't to build a good life for myself. I didn't

00:36:12.030 --> 00:36:13.630
really have a strong desire to go to any particular

00:36:13.630 --> 00:36:17.969
college. My primary goal was to get the fuck

00:36:17.969 --> 00:36:21.570
out. Get out of San Bernardino. Get out of Colton.

00:36:22.050 --> 00:36:24.929
Get out of Redlands. Get away from my parents.

00:36:25.650 --> 00:36:28.349
Get away from everything. It was just all too

00:36:28.349 --> 00:36:30.929
overwhelming. So there was something that drove

00:36:30.929 --> 00:36:35.769
me. That anger drove me to dedicate myself. as

00:36:35.769 --> 00:36:38.010
much as possible and to become super competitive

00:36:38.010 --> 00:36:40.489
when it comes to the one thing that I had at

00:36:40.489 --> 00:36:43.469
least a modicum of ability to do, which was in

00:36:43.469 --> 00:36:50.670
school. And so I worked my ass off. I became

00:36:50.670 --> 00:36:54.309
just so obsessed with trying to be the best at

00:36:54.309 --> 00:36:56.190
everything because it felt like I needed to be

00:36:56.190 --> 00:36:59.030
one step above everyone else just to tread water.

00:36:59.550 --> 00:37:03.420
Everybody else, they had a safety net. It didn't

00:37:03.420 --> 00:37:05.619
matter if they got out or not. They would have

00:37:05.619 --> 00:37:07.739
a place. I mean, for them, it wasn't miserable.

00:37:09.079 --> 00:37:11.659
It wasn't miserable living the life that they

00:37:11.659 --> 00:37:15.139
did. So status quo wasn't a big deal. But for

00:37:15.139 --> 00:37:17.219
me, status quo meant I'm just going to kill myself

00:37:17.219 --> 00:37:19.780
because there was no point in living at that

00:37:19.780 --> 00:37:24.019
point. That rage, though, it came out in other

00:37:24.019 --> 00:37:27.179
ways, right? I mean, like I said, I couldn't

00:37:27.179 --> 00:37:31.530
contain it. I knew that I was angry. And I just

00:37:31.530 --> 00:37:34.190
didn't know exactly where to direct it. And as

00:37:34.190 --> 00:37:36.090
much as I wanted to direct it to things that

00:37:36.090 --> 00:37:39.809
were, you know, maybe to my benefit in the long

00:37:39.809 --> 00:37:42.050
run, it just spilled out into everything. And

00:37:42.050 --> 00:37:44.130
one of the biggest ways was I just did not give

00:37:44.130 --> 00:37:47.590
a fuck about other people. My attitude towards

00:37:47.590 --> 00:37:52.989
you to everybody else was just, fuck you. Why

00:37:52.989 --> 00:37:54.889
should I care about you if no one seems to care

00:37:54.889 --> 00:38:00.429
about me? I... Don't care if you are suffering

00:38:00.429 --> 00:38:03.530
because nobody seemed to care about my suffering.

00:38:04.610 --> 00:38:09.630
So fuck you. You deal with it yourself. I'm going

00:38:09.630 --> 00:38:13.030
to handle my own. I'm going to do things for

00:38:13.030 --> 00:38:16.050
myself and that's it. I think it didn't help

00:38:16.050 --> 00:38:18.329
that I experienced my parents getting ripped

00:38:18.329 --> 00:38:22.480
off, right? A lot of it was the... Korean immigrant

00:38:22.480 --> 00:38:24.699
community. And San Bernardino is a very small

00:38:24.699 --> 00:38:27.079
community. But, you know, because my parents

00:38:27.079 --> 00:38:28.940
didn't know how to speak any English and they

00:38:28.940 --> 00:38:31.780
never really learned and they had to rely on

00:38:31.780 --> 00:38:34.559
that community, it also made them ripe targets

00:38:34.559 --> 00:38:37.059
for people who wanted to take advantage. And

00:38:37.059 --> 00:38:40.739
I was able to see it. And when I saw it happening

00:38:40.739 --> 00:38:43.400
and my parents falling for that shit, I became

00:38:43.400 --> 00:38:46.960
even angrier. And again, it was the same thing.

00:38:46.960 --> 00:38:51.019
It was a fuck you, you asshole. How can you do

00:38:51.019 --> 00:38:54.309
this? If you're going to be this way with other

00:38:54.309 --> 00:38:55.909
people, if you're not going to have a sense of

00:38:55.909 --> 00:38:58.750
care for other people and doing the right thing,

00:38:58.849 --> 00:39:01.110
then I'm not going to like, what benefit do I

00:39:01.110 --> 00:39:06.349
see for myself by playing by the rules? And because

00:39:06.349 --> 00:39:09.550
the rage just felt so overwhelming and the world

00:39:09.550 --> 00:39:13.449
just felt so out of my control, I just channeled

00:39:13.449 --> 00:39:16.250
this rage to wanting to do something that I could

00:39:16.250 --> 00:39:20.940
actually have some control over. And it turned

00:39:20.940 --> 00:39:24.079
out that I met a couple of, you know, these kids.

00:39:24.719 --> 00:39:27.159
They were Vietnamese, I think. They were my age.

00:39:27.440 --> 00:39:30.079
And they're cousins. And, you know, they were,

00:39:30.239 --> 00:39:32.960
I believe, if I'm remembering correctly, they

00:39:32.960 --> 00:39:35.199
lived in one of these shanty towns out in San

00:39:35.199 --> 00:39:38.460
Bernardino. And they, I think they're children

00:39:38.460 --> 00:39:42.019
of refugees that were placed there. And so, you

00:39:42.019 --> 00:39:43.300
know, they came from a poor background. It was

00:39:43.300 --> 00:39:45.900
all poor together. And they taught me the ropes

00:39:45.900 --> 00:39:50.019
of how to go ahead and shoplift. you know, we,

00:39:50.119 --> 00:39:53.079
I mean, all of us, we all knew like, dang, we

00:39:53.079 --> 00:39:55.079
look Asian. Like we look like we're some smart

00:39:55.079 --> 00:39:57.659
kids. We get decent grades in class. Right. Um,

00:39:57.920 --> 00:39:59.159
I don't know if you've seen the movie better

00:39:59.159 --> 00:40:00.440
luck tomorrow, but it was kind of like that,

00:40:00.460 --> 00:40:02.239
right? Like people would just think like, oh

00:40:02.239 --> 00:40:05.659
yeah, these are some good kids. Right. But man,

00:40:05.780 --> 00:40:09.679
and we were not good kids. We were not, we were

00:40:09.679 --> 00:40:12.500
well -mannered and we knew how to use the kind

00:40:12.500 --> 00:40:14.320
of perception that people had to our advantage.

00:40:14.380 --> 00:40:16.570
So we were able to get away with it. We were

00:40:16.570 --> 00:40:18.389
able to steal all kinds of stuff. And we didn't

00:40:18.389 --> 00:40:20.730
steal things that, you know, it wasn't like candy

00:40:20.730 --> 00:40:22.650
or food. It wasn't even things we needed necessarily.

00:40:23.570 --> 00:40:26.150
That's what's crazy. Like, the stealing, I don't

00:40:26.150 --> 00:40:27.769
know what it was for them, but I know for me,

00:40:27.869 --> 00:40:30.070
the stealing, it wasn't about making ends meet.

00:40:30.329 --> 00:40:32.650
I know this because it didn't do anything to

00:40:32.650 --> 00:40:37.170
make ends meet. It didn't help me, like, you

00:40:37.170 --> 00:40:40.349
know, help my parents, like, pay the rent. It

00:40:40.349 --> 00:40:42.349
didn't help us with, like, putting food on the

00:40:42.349 --> 00:40:44.980
table or anything like that. No, I was stealing

00:40:44.980 --> 00:40:48.159
electronic devices that was for my own entertainment,

00:40:48.480 --> 00:40:53.420
computer parts to build my own computer, and

00:40:53.420 --> 00:40:57.079
CDs because CDs were expensive. Man, I really

00:40:57.079 --> 00:40:59.920
wanted that Life or Death CDs and Notorious B

00:40:59.920 --> 00:41:03.000
.I .G. Life After Death. Sorry, I'm messing up

00:41:03.000 --> 00:41:06.179
the title here. And all these other CDs, when

00:41:06.179 --> 00:41:08.639
they came out, I wanted those CDs, but they were

00:41:08.639 --> 00:41:10.639
too expensive. So what do you do? You steal them.

00:41:11.000 --> 00:41:14.000
This was before Napster, by the way, or if that's

00:41:14.000 --> 00:41:15.500
too old for you, right? Like before things like

00:41:15.500 --> 00:41:17.400
Spotify, like there's no streaming or anything

00:41:17.400 --> 00:41:18.860
like that available. You had to get those CDs.

00:41:19.619 --> 00:41:23.420
I would steal them. And it was easy. And I was

00:41:23.420 --> 00:41:26.340
able to use the perception that people had of

00:41:26.340 --> 00:41:29.460
me in order to get away with it. But I wasn't

00:41:29.460 --> 00:41:31.880
stealing in order to, you know, because I had

00:41:31.880 --> 00:41:36.539
to. It didn't help me in that respect. No, I

00:41:36.539 --> 00:41:38.280
was stealing because it was just another way

00:41:38.280 --> 00:41:40.670
to give the middle finger to the world. To my

00:41:40.670 --> 00:41:43.369
parents, to the economic systems, to everyone

00:41:43.369 --> 00:41:45.710
in the community, just to say, if you want, like

00:41:45.710 --> 00:41:47.849
what's actually weird is that even, I remember

00:41:47.849 --> 00:41:49.789
even at the time we had like a code of ethics

00:41:49.789 --> 00:41:52.010
among thieves, right? Like we wouldn't steal

00:41:52.010 --> 00:41:53.849
from any other poor people. We would go after

00:41:53.849 --> 00:41:57.050
wealthier people and namely, mostly corporations,

00:41:57.210 --> 00:41:59.190
especially bigger corporations, not mom and pop

00:41:59.190 --> 00:42:03.750
places. But we had no qualms about stealing because

00:42:03.750 --> 00:42:06.630
like, what choice do we have? If we want to have

00:42:06.630 --> 00:42:08.980
a sense of control, there was just. There wasn't

00:42:08.980 --> 00:42:12.699
very many options available to us. And as much

00:42:12.699 --> 00:42:16.059
as I try to channel it into working hard, there's

00:42:16.059 --> 00:42:19.139
only so much of that that would, you know, appease

00:42:19.139 --> 00:42:22.980
the rage that was burning inside me. And here's

00:42:22.980 --> 00:42:24.199
the thing. You think things might have changed

00:42:24.199 --> 00:42:27.199
once I got to college, once I got a graduate

00:42:27.199 --> 00:42:29.420
degree, once I got a job. But that's the thing.

00:42:30.079 --> 00:42:34.800
Until I confronted all of this past, everything

00:42:34.800 --> 00:42:37.699
that had shaped me and had been like... you know,

00:42:37.719 --> 00:42:39.860
bubbling up and boiling underneath the surface.

00:42:41.360 --> 00:42:44.980
It just, nothing, it doesn't go away. It stays

00:42:44.980 --> 00:42:48.300
there. It just stays beneath the surface. But

00:42:48.300 --> 00:42:52.639
it's there. It was always there. You know, during

00:42:52.639 --> 00:42:56.280
college, I never went back home. I always made

00:42:56.280 --> 00:42:58.679
an excuse to stay. I was at the time, you know,

00:42:58.679 --> 00:43:02.239
undergrad, went to UCLA. It was only like a little

00:43:02.239 --> 00:43:04.800
over an hour's drive to my parents' place. But

00:43:04.800 --> 00:43:06.699
I gave every excuse in the book to never come

00:43:06.699 --> 00:43:09.800
home. And this is not just for, like, you know,

00:43:09.800 --> 00:43:12.619
holidays or things like that. I'm talking ever.

00:43:13.539 --> 00:43:17.000
In the summers, I signed up for the UCLA orientation

00:43:17.000 --> 00:43:19.860
program because that would allow me to stay on

00:43:19.860 --> 00:43:22.559
the campus. Now, I'm being completely honest.

00:43:22.659 --> 00:43:24.880
Like, I did want to be on the orientation staff.

00:43:24.940 --> 00:43:26.219
I thought it would be a great experience. I thought

00:43:26.219 --> 00:43:29.539
it would be fun. I definitely wanted it for its

00:43:29.539 --> 00:43:34.039
own sake. But as much as I wanted to deny it,

00:43:34.650 --> 00:43:38.449
One of the biggest benefits for me was being

00:43:38.449 --> 00:43:42.030
able to not have to go home. I desperately wanted

00:43:42.030 --> 00:43:44.610
to not have to go home. If it wasn't the orientation

00:43:44.610 --> 00:43:47.730
program, I would have found something else. Something

00:43:47.730 --> 00:43:50.369
else that would allow me to stay away from home.

00:43:50.809 --> 00:43:53.289
I didn't want to go home because home was a reminder

00:43:53.289 --> 00:43:58.110
of everything about my life to that point. And

00:43:58.110 --> 00:44:01.980
I wanted zero reminders. I wanted to... move

00:44:01.980 --> 00:44:04.659
past it. I wanted to pretend like it wasn't there.

00:44:04.820 --> 00:44:07.360
I didn't want to deal with it. I mean, being

00:44:07.360 --> 00:44:09.699
at UCLA was the perfect sort of bubble for that

00:44:09.699 --> 00:44:12.260
because it's in a wealthy neighborhood. It's

00:44:12.260 --> 00:44:15.579
a college campus that's fairly isolated from

00:44:15.579 --> 00:44:18.380
the rest of the real world. And it allowed me

00:44:18.380 --> 00:44:22.820
that safe space to just be able to be without

00:44:22.820 --> 00:44:27.440
having to worry about parents or finances or

00:44:27.440 --> 00:44:29.119
any of those things. All I had to do was take

00:44:29.119 --> 00:44:32.679
care of myself. When it came to academic life,

00:44:32.800 --> 00:44:35.940
right, that same, the way that rage and that

00:44:35.940 --> 00:44:39.119
anxiety about, you know, wanting to get out,

00:44:39.159 --> 00:44:41.639
right, how that fueled me in high school, the

00:44:41.639 --> 00:44:45.099
same thing fueled me in college. I became an

00:44:45.099 --> 00:44:47.360
absolute workaholic. It might not have looked

00:44:47.360 --> 00:44:50.099
like that all the time, but I wanted to stack

00:44:50.099 --> 00:44:52.519
up any accolades or anything I needed to, to

00:44:52.519 --> 00:44:54.380
give me an edge so that I didn't have to worry

00:44:54.380 --> 00:44:58.940
about getting fired, right? But it was driven

00:44:58.940 --> 00:45:02.300
by anxiety. It was driven by a fear of my past.

00:45:02.980 --> 00:45:05.179
That's really all it was. I mean, you can kind

00:45:05.179 --> 00:45:07.699
of sense it when, if you came into my room, like

00:45:07.699 --> 00:45:10.099
in my dorm room, right? I would have every semester,

00:45:10.300 --> 00:45:12.440
I guess it was a quarter semester, every quarter,

00:45:12.559 --> 00:45:14.719
I would put up a list of goals for that semester,

00:45:14.920 --> 00:45:17.800
for that quarter. I would write it out as like

00:45:17.800 --> 00:45:21.019
a motivation. And I would put it on the wall

00:45:21.019 --> 00:45:23.219
right in front above my desk so I could see it

00:45:23.219 --> 00:45:26.380
every day, right? You know, I would put down

00:45:26.380 --> 00:45:28.380
all kinds of stuff, like, hey, straight A's and

00:45:28.380 --> 00:45:31.260
accomplish this and then get this position and

00:45:31.260 --> 00:45:34.059
da -da -da -da -da, a list of stuff that I wanted,

00:45:34.119 --> 00:45:36.340
right? And on the bottom, every single quarter,

00:45:36.440 --> 00:45:39.320
it said the same thing, which is anything else

00:45:39.320 --> 00:45:43.500
is a failure. That's the way I viewed it. And

00:45:43.500 --> 00:45:47.360
I was just so afraid that I would fall back into

00:45:47.360 --> 00:45:50.760
the old life, that I would want to do everything

00:45:50.760 --> 00:45:53.619
I could to ensure that that was not going to

00:45:53.619 --> 00:45:57.849
happen. You know, and then I started pursuing

00:45:57.849 --> 00:46:00.949
a, you know, a life in academia. I wanted to

00:46:00.949 --> 00:46:03.010
be a professor. And, you know, in my mind, and

00:46:03.010 --> 00:46:05.090
this is this is also true. I mean, both things

00:46:05.090 --> 00:46:07.190
can be true. Right. But I wanted to be a professor

00:46:07.190 --> 00:46:09.750
in part because I like teaching for sure. And

00:46:09.750 --> 00:46:13.050
I liked having a non -standard work life. Right.

00:46:13.070 --> 00:46:15.030
I didn't like the idea of like a nine to five

00:46:15.030 --> 00:46:18.010
job. I didn't like having to go into the office

00:46:18.010 --> 00:46:22.090
and clock in and clock out and then, you know,

00:46:22.090 --> 00:46:24.670
do the usual whatever that people office job

00:46:24.670 --> 00:46:27.000
that people did. I didn't like the idea of any

00:46:27.000 --> 00:46:29.079
of that, so I was trying to avoid that for one,

00:46:29.300 --> 00:46:32.300
right? And also the job just seems more engaging,

00:46:32.360 --> 00:46:33.800
especially when you're teaching face -to -face.

00:46:34.960 --> 00:46:38.239
But it was also true that what I wanted more

00:46:38.239 --> 00:46:42.099
than anything, right, was tenure. I wanted job

00:46:42.099 --> 00:46:44.840
security. I wanted job security. And there was

00:46:44.840 --> 00:46:46.579
very few places in the world where you could

00:46:46.579 --> 00:46:49.860
get that kind of job security. Once I got tenure,

00:46:49.940 --> 00:46:52.619
I thought, like, oh, man, yeah. That's how I

00:46:52.619 --> 00:46:54.480
didn't want to be rich. I just didn't want to

00:46:54.480 --> 00:46:57.219
be poor. That was my motivator. And that tells

00:46:57.219 --> 00:46:59.239
you that I was driven by the anxiety and not

00:46:59.239 --> 00:47:01.659
like a desire for anything else. I was driven

00:47:01.659 --> 00:47:04.300
by anxiety. I was anxious that I would be poor.

00:47:04.380 --> 00:47:06.500
So I was looking for that job security because,

00:47:06.559 --> 00:47:09.679
hey, if I had that, maybe if I want to make more

00:47:09.679 --> 00:47:11.219
money later on, I could find ways to make more

00:47:11.219 --> 00:47:15.119
money. But at least I would not be poor. I was

00:47:15.119 --> 00:47:19.269
trying so desperately to escape the past. And

00:47:19.269 --> 00:47:21.949
anytime I thought I was okay, like something

00:47:21.949 --> 00:47:24.230
would happen to remind me that the past was just

00:47:24.230 --> 00:47:27.130
like. It was still there. It was just like I

00:47:27.130 --> 00:47:30.130
was paranoid. It was one step away. Right. You

00:47:30.130 --> 00:47:31.969
know, during the recession, when the subprime

00:47:31.969 --> 00:47:34.170
mortgage, you know, the crisis happened and we

00:47:34.170 --> 00:47:36.170
entered into like a deep recession. Right. My

00:47:36.170 --> 00:47:37.989
parents got caught up in the middle of that.

00:47:38.070 --> 00:47:40.070
Right. There was a period where they were just

00:47:40.070 --> 00:47:42.030
like, it's not working out in Colton. They decided

00:47:42.030 --> 00:47:45.769
to move. But then they were able to luckily get

00:47:45.769 --> 00:47:48.969
what they thought was a cheap loan, low interest

00:47:48.969 --> 00:47:51.539
rate. So they were super excited. They had plans

00:47:51.539 --> 00:47:53.980
for how they were going to kind of have a steady

00:47:53.980 --> 00:47:58.500
income and yada, yada, yada. But then, of course,

00:47:58.619 --> 00:48:02.699
housing crash and they just lost their shirt.

00:48:02.880 --> 00:48:07.219
Now, I was in the middle of my Ph .D. program

00:48:07.219 --> 00:48:10.619
at UC Santa Barbara at the time. And my parents

00:48:10.619 --> 00:48:13.900
really, as a result of the recession, just had

00:48:13.900 --> 00:48:16.340
nothing. The house had to be short -sailed and

00:48:16.340 --> 00:48:18.989
that was a good luck. That was good luck for

00:48:18.989 --> 00:48:21.329
them because at least it wasn't a complete foreclosure.

00:48:21.650 --> 00:48:23.130
I think there was like a slight difference on

00:48:23.130 --> 00:48:25.510
how it impacted their credit. But the point is,

00:48:25.510 --> 00:48:28.650
like, I was telling my brother because it was

00:48:28.650 --> 00:48:31.329
so bad. I was telling my brother, like, my parents

00:48:31.329 --> 00:48:32.809
were not going to be able to make a living. They

00:48:32.809 --> 00:48:34.550
weren't going to be able to pay rent. They're

00:48:34.550 --> 00:48:36.929
going to be out in the streets. So I was considering

00:48:36.929 --> 00:48:41.469
just quitting the graduate program and just get

00:48:41.469 --> 00:48:43.690
a job. I knew I could probably at least make

00:48:43.690 --> 00:48:46.610
money enough to. you know, pay for rent and pay

00:48:46.610 --> 00:48:50.409
for living expenses. And if my brother hadn't

00:48:50.409 --> 00:48:52.769
supported me then, you know, I told my brother

00:48:52.769 --> 00:48:55.409
this and he reassured me. He said, you know,

00:48:55.429 --> 00:48:58.010
he actually had a job before me, right? He had

00:48:58.010 --> 00:49:00.949
already started teaching. He said, you know,

00:49:01.010 --> 00:49:03.369
like, no, I don't want you to quit this. I want

00:49:03.369 --> 00:49:05.250
you to finish it up. And then in the meantime,

00:49:05.429 --> 00:49:07.469
I'll take care of mom and dad. I'll make sure

00:49:07.469 --> 00:49:10.710
that they have a home. And he, in fact, had them

00:49:10.710 --> 00:49:13.489
move in with him. He got a place where there

00:49:13.489 --> 00:49:15.840
was enough room so that my parents, our parents

00:49:15.840 --> 00:49:20.460
could live with him. If he didn't step in like

00:49:20.460 --> 00:49:22.980
that, I would be in a very different place. And

00:49:22.980 --> 00:49:26.280
thank you, honestly, like gratitude. The gratitude

00:49:26.280 --> 00:49:29.059
I feel is like thank yous and a million thank

00:49:29.059 --> 00:49:31.059
yous doesn't really actually cover anywhere close

00:49:31.059 --> 00:49:33.679
to what he had done. Because here's the thing,

00:49:33.679 --> 00:49:36.599
like, you know, I think people from the outside

00:49:36.599 --> 00:49:38.619
might think, oh, what a nice thing to do financially.

00:49:39.000 --> 00:49:41.480
That's what a great way to support the parents,

00:49:41.539 --> 00:49:45.860
like great thing he did. I saw what it actually

00:49:45.860 --> 00:49:48.639
did for him, which was it was tough for him because

00:49:48.639 --> 00:49:52.659
it was emotionally, mentally draining. It was

00:49:52.659 --> 00:49:54.800
draining for him. I know that he did not want

00:49:54.800 --> 00:49:56.699
to come home because my parents were there. Like,

00:49:56.719 --> 00:49:59.079
I mean, who in their right mind in their 20s,

00:49:59.079 --> 00:50:02.500
you know, would want to come home to parents

00:50:02.500 --> 00:50:04.699
that they had to take care of that were still

00:50:04.699 --> 00:50:08.340
able -bodied? And, you know, if you were so used

00:50:08.340 --> 00:50:10.820
to kind of living your own life, right? Like,

00:50:10.840 --> 00:50:13.329
why would you want that? It's a struggle. So

00:50:13.329 --> 00:50:15.050
I know it was hard for him. It must have been

00:50:15.050 --> 00:50:17.809
hard emotionally in ways that he probably hasn't

00:50:17.809 --> 00:50:22.610
even shared with me. You know? And I know my

00:50:22.610 --> 00:50:24.650
parents, and I know the kind of buttons that

00:50:24.650 --> 00:50:27.110
they could push. Not because they're horrible

00:50:27.110 --> 00:50:29.210
people or because they're intending to, but that's

00:50:29.210 --> 00:50:32.510
just how family sometimes is. And so my brother

00:50:32.510 --> 00:50:35.349
had to put up with all of that for years. For

00:50:35.349 --> 00:50:39.050
years. And so I know that the burden was probably

00:50:39.050 --> 00:50:42.099
a lot more than what anybody else could. probably

00:50:42.099 --> 00:50:46.420
really imagine but here's the thing like all

00:50:46.420 --> 00:50:48.719
that happening was again just another reminder

00:50:48.719 --> 00:50:50.940
like right when i thought i was so close i was

00:50:50.940 --> 00:50:54.079
so close to getting to that place where i had

00:50:54.079 --> 00:50:58.519
security it was just another reminder man poverty

00:50:58.519 --> 00:51:02.400
is only one step away right it could drag you

00:51:02.400 --> 00:51:05.800
back down with with a with a blink of an eye

00:51:05.800 --> 00:51:11.070
and that just i remember Just seeing my parents

00:51:11.070 --> 00:51:13.190
going through that and my brother having to pick

00:51:13.190 --> 00:51:18.429
up the pieces, it just broke me. And I became

00:51:18.429 --> 00:51:23.989
even more paranoid. I was reminded that poverty

00:51:23.989 --> 00:51:27.929
was still reaching out for me, wanting to grab

00:51:27.929 --> 00:51:30.409
at me and pull me back down. So I did everything

00:51:30.409 --> 00:51:32.670
I could. I worked my ass off to try to finish

00:51:32.670 --> 00:51:36.389
the degree. I spent summers teaching SAT classes,

00:51:36.710 --> 00:51:38.909
tutoring, trying to save up as much money as

00:51:38.909 --> 00:51:42.170
I can. And as much as I earned, it was never

00:51:42.170 --> 00:51:46.309
enough. And I wanted to feel safe, but that feeling

00:51:46.309 --> 00:51:50.269
never came. And it became absolutely evident

00:51:50.269 --> 00:51:53.329
in my marriage. Because once I finished that

00:51:53.329 --> 00:51:57.550
degree at Santa Barbara, that was when I got

00:51:57.550 --> 00:52:04.269
married. And I moved to Philadelphia area. It

00:52:04.269 --> 00:52:05.670
was in the suburbs of Philadelphia, Westchester,

00:52:05.769 --> 00:52:09.880
but Philadelphia area. to teach at Villanova.

00:52:11.139 --> 00:52:13.320
And I was still in the mindset of that kid in

00:52:13.320 --> 00:52:15.840
high school who was hustling, stealing, willing

00:52:15.840 --> 00:52:18.260
to bend the rules to get an edge, anything to

00:52:18.260 --> 00:52:23.940
make sure that I wasn't a victim of life. I was

00:52:23.940 --> 00:52:26.719
so obsessed with working for that tenure. Now,

00:52:26.860 --> 00:52:29.559
Villanova wasn't a tenure track job. So I worked

00:52:29.559 --> 00:52:32.260
my ass off even more because I was thinking,

00:52:32.340 --> 00:52:34.719
man, I need to at least land a tenure track job

00:52:34.719 --> 00:52:37.000
because this one is only going to last me a few

00:52:37.000 --> 00:52:39.860
years if that. I don't know when I'm going to

00:52:39.860 --> 00:52:43.300
be let go because it was temporary. I knew it

00:52:43.300 --> 00:52:45.840
was temporary. That's what they told me. I just

00:52:45.840 --> 00:52:48.320
didn't know exactly how temporary in my mind.

00:52:48.360 --> 00:52:51.800
So I kept on working and working and trying to

00:52:51.800 --> 00:52:53.579
publish and trying to do this and that, everything

00:52:53.579 --> 00:52:57.460
I thought that I needed to do. And here's the

00:52:57.460 --> 00:53:01.039
thing. I was so obsessed with alleviating myself

00:53:01.039 --> 00:53:03.900
of this anxiety that it took a toll on my relationship.

00:53:06.670 --> 00:53:09.570
At the time, I remember the early years of marriage.

00:53:09.750 --> 00:53:14.969
It nearly destroyed it within a year. Because

00:53:14.969 --> 00:53:19.050
I was emotionally and mentally checked out. I

00:53:19.050 --> 00:53:21.849
was so focused on all the things I needed to

00:53:21.849 --> 00:53:25.570
do. And I constantly felt overwhelmed by this

00:53:25.570 --> 00:53:29.590
need to get that job, that next job. The desire

00:53:29.590 --> 00:53:33.429
to kind of run away from my past. That, you know,

00:53:33.429 --> 00:53:37.510
I was neglecting my health. both mental and physical,

00:53:37.690 --> 00:53:40.869
but more importantly, I was neglecting my partner.

00:53:42.389 --> 00:53:46.610
I wasn't mentally there with her when she would

00:53:46.610 --> 00:53:48.929
share things that were, she was looking for emotional

00:53:48.929 --> 00:53:51.550
support. Like I just wasn't there. I mean, there

00:53:51.550 --> 00:53:53.329
was a separate problem that I just didn't know

00:53:53.329 --> 00:53:56.630
how, I had to learn how, but I didn't have the

00:53:56.630 --> 00:53:59.889
energy to learn how really, because I was just

00:53:59.889 --> 00:54:03.530
so checked out. I was more consumed by my anxiety

00:54:03.530 --> 00:54:07.119
about other things. And if I didn't have a partner

00:54:07.119 --> 00:54:09.000
who was herself in the mental health profession,

00:54:09.119 --> 00:54:11.940
who knew what I had to look for, I probably wouldn't

00:54:11.940 --> 00:54:13.480
have started seeing a therapist, or at least

00:54:13.480 --> 00:54:16.900
a good one. And I would honestly not be alive

00:54:16.900 --> 00:54:19.280
today because I would have ended myself. That's

00:54:19.280 --> 00:54:22.820
the reality. There were a lot of nights where

00:54:22.820 --> 00:54:26.300
I was a razor's edge from just trying to give

00:54:26.300 --> 00:54:29.219
up on life. And it wouldn't have been the first

00:54:29.219 --> 00:54:31.280
time I considered it because it's something that

00:54:31.280 --> 00:54:33.260
was a theme throughout much of my childhood.

00:54:37.519 --> 00:54:45.320
But of course, therapy, you know, going to therapy

00:54:45.320 --> 00:54:48.280
didn't change much at the time other than keeping

00:54:48.280 --> 00:54:51.280
me from going over the edge. I was only able

00:54:51.280 --> 00:54:55.699
to find some footing to be able to get back to,

00:54:55.800 --> 00:54:58.760
I would say, like not super anxious and not super

00:54:58.760 --> 00:55:02.460
stressed. But the anxiety about being poor, like

00:55:02.460 --> 00:55:05.719
it was still there. I mean, I know it was still

00:55:05.719 --> 00:55:10.320
there. After I got a tenure track job at Pasadena

00:55:10.320 --> 00:55:12.000
City Colleges, which is where I teach right now,

00:55:12.500 --> 00:55:15.539
you know, it just seemed like life was throwing

00:55:15.539 --> 00:55:18.880
off. Maybe it's my poor planning, but life just

00:55:18.880 --> 00:55:21.360
happens to have a way of kind of dumping all

00:55:21.360 --> 00:55:24.639
these things at once on you or you just maybe

00:55:24.639 --> 00:55:27.280
I brought it on myself. But I was having my first

00:55:27.280 --> 00:55:29.940
child right when I was starting at PCC. And I

00:55:29.940 --> 00:55:32.820
remember getting to PCC and. I was, again, mentally

00:55:32.820 --> 00:55:35.260
so focused on making sure that I didn't lose

00:55:35.260 --> 00:55:37.079
this opportunity, that I didn't mess it up, that

00:55:37.079 --> 00:55:40.119
I actually got that tenure. Now, I must tell

00:55:40.119 --> 00:55:43.739
you, like, I had mentors at PCC from day one

00:55:43.739 --> 00:55:46.440
that were so wonderful and reassured me, like,

00:55:46.519 --> 00:55:48.619
you're going to be fine. You'll get tenure as

00:55:48.619 --> 00:55:50.500
long as you don't do something horrible like,

00:55:50.599 --> 00:55:53.949
you know. commit a vicious, violent crime on

00:55:53.949 --> 00:55:55.690
campus in front of students or something. Like,

00:55:55.690 --> 00:55:58.170
you need to, like, relax. Like, you're going

00:55:58.170 --> 00:55:59.909
to be fine. You just need to continue doing what

00:55:59.909 --> 00:56:02.190
you're good at, which is just teach. Teach well,

00:56:02.289 --> 00:56:05.090
right? But I had a hard time taking my foot off

00:56:05.090 --> 00:56:07.530
the gas because I was so scared that there would

00:56:07.530 --> 00:56:09.190
be some reason that they would just go ahead

00:56:09.190 --> 00:56:15.110
and, you know, X me. That would be done. And

00:56:15.110 --> 00:56:17.010
so even when my daughter was in the hospital

00:56:17.010 --> 00:56:20.349
at two weeks old with an unexplained infection.

00:56:21.940 --> 00:56:25.019
And, you know, we were there staying at the hospital.

00:56:25.039 --> 00:56:27.059
This was for like almost a month. We were just

00:56:27.059 --> 00:56:29.340
sleeping in the hospital trying to figure out

00:56:29.340 --> 00:56:30.940
what it was. Eventually we found out it was an

00:56:30.940 --> 00:56:33.619
infection in the bone, deeply embedded in the

00:56:33.619 --> 00:56:35.679
bone, which we're still dealing with now because

00:56:35.679 --> 00:56:40.460
now her leg is not growing at the rate it should.

00:56:41.139 --> 00:56:43.340
But I remember those nights, like staying up

00:56:43.340 --> 00:56:45.989
at night and instead of... Being there, thinking

00:56:45.989 --> 00:56:48.829
of my daughter, I was staying up at night just

00:56:48.829 --> 00:56:50.969
trying to hold myself together as I graded papers.

00:56:51.769 --> 00:56:53.869
Because in my mind, I was thinking, I can't lose

00:56:53.869 --> 00:56:56.070
this job. I can't lose this health insurance.

00:56:56.849 --> 00:56:58.849
This is what's paying for all of this because

00:56:58.849 --> 00:57:02.690
I know the bill is going to be a goddamn mortgage.

00:57:03.909 --> 00:57:06.710
No wonder my partner felt all alone. In a time

00:57:06.710 --> 00:57:10.949
when, you know, it was both our first -time parents,

00:57:11.050 --> 00:57:14.449
right? And she was scared. She didn't know what

00:57:14.449 --> 00:57:18.150
to think, and I just wasn't there. I mean, I

00:57:18.150 --> 00:57:20.449
was physically there, but emotionally I just

00:57:20.449 --> 00:57:23.949
wasn't there. And so no wonder that she felt

00:57:23.949 --> 00:57:27.250
all alone. No wonder that I felt disconnected

00:57:27.250 --> 00:57:31.570
from my own daughter. The consequences of which

00:57:31.570 --> 00:57:34.909
I still feel today, right? I do wonder if those

00:57:34.909 --> 00:57:37.349
early years when I wasn't emotionally present,

00:57:37.510 --> 00:57:40.150
that that might be contributing to why she feels

00:57:40.150 --> 00:57:43.440
anxious when I'm not around. Why she clings on

00:57:43.440 --> 00:57:47.619
to me sometimes. Because I might have physically

00:57:47.619 --> 00:57:51.360
been there, but in every other respect, I was

00:57:51.360 --> 00:57:54.539
just gone. I was just too engulfed in my own

00:57:54.539 --> 00:58:01.579
anxiety. Here's the thing. Being told and reminded

00:58:01.579 --> 00:58:06.519
that I am not in the same situation that I was

00:58:06.519 --> 00:58:10.480
in high school or in junior high, it didn't help

00:58:10.480 --> 00:58:14.070
at all. Being told that I have resources that

00:58:14.070 --> 00:58:19.929
I didn't have before doesn't help at all. The

00:58:19.929 --> 00:58:23.110
only thing that helped with dealing with my past,

00:58:23.190 --> 00:58:26.130
which was actually facing my past, because the

00:58:26.130 --> 00:58:30.289
truth is the trap was all in me. The traps I've

00:58:30.289 --> 00:58:34.929
set up in my mind from these past experiences,

00:58:35.170 --> 00:58:37.989
these are not things that you overcome by changing

00:58:37.989 --> 00:58:42.380
the world around you. Because the trap was in

00:58:42.380 --> 00:58:46.239
my own mind. I needed to address the trap that

00:58:46.239 --> 00:58:48.719
I had placed for myself. I couldn't see reality

00:58:48.719 --> 00:58:53.119
for what it was because my mind was still trapped

00:58:53.119 --> 00:58:56.780
in that past. And there's no reasoning your way

00:58:56.780 --> 00:58:58.280
out of it. There's no thinking your way out of

00:58:58.280 --> 00:59:01.079
it. Trust me, I tried. This is one of those places

00:59:01.079 --> 00:59:03.219
where cognitive behavioral therapy, as much as

00:59:03.219 --> 00:59:05.400
I wish it would have worked, didn't do shit for

00:59:05.400 --> 00:59:08.820
me. Because nothing changed that feeling, that

00:59:08.820 --> 00:59:12.719
eerie... That eerie feeling that poverty was

00:59:12.719 --> 00:59:16.179
just knocking at my door, reaching its arms out.

00:59:16.360 --> 00:59:18.719
You know that weird tickle you feel in the back

00:59:18.719 --> 00:59:20.579
of your neck when you get freaked out, right?

00:59:21.320 --> 00:59:23.460
That's that feeling. It was just waiting for

00:59:23.460 --> 00:59:25.880
me to slip up so it could just pull me back into

00:59:25.880 --> 00:59:30.480
the old life. I was paranoid. And the only thing

00:59:30.480 --> 00:59:33.880
that helped was to actually talk about it, to

00:59:33.880 --> 00:59:39.460
let myself hurt, let myself cry. Let myself be

00:59:39.460 --> 00:59:44.219
angry. Find a place to put all that rage, to

00:59:44.219 --> 00:59:46.559
release all of these feelings that I kept bottled

00:59:46.559 --> 00:59:50.159
up for so long. The things that I used as fuel

00:59:50.159 --> 00:59:54.760
to work and work and work, I needed to just let

00:59:54.760 --> 00:59:59.539
it go. I needed to acknowledge all the fears

00:59:59.539 --> 01:00:02.800
that I had, the worries that I had. Instead of

01:00:02.800 --> 01:00:05.420
trying to think myself out of it, I just had

01:00:05.420 --> 01:00:10.309
to let myself feel it. acknowledge it, and then

01:00:10.309 --> 01:00:15.309
embrace it as a part of where I'm at. And for

01:00:15.309 --> 01:00:16.750
me, I don't know about other people, but for

01:00:16.750 --> 01:00:18.550
me, I'll tell you this, there was just going

01:00:18.550 --> 01:00:21.750
to be no other way. Because the moment I tried

01:00:21.750 --> 01:00:26.130
to push it aside or think it away or, you know,

01:00:26.130 --> 01:00:31.530
try to overcome it by doing more, it felt like

01:00:31.530 --> 01:00:34.679
it just had a bigger grasp on my life. On everything

01:00:34.679 --> 01:00:36.820
about the way that I moved, about the decisions

01:00:36.820 --> 01:00:42.199
I made, about the way that I lived, about my

01:00:42.199 --> 01:00:45.639
relationships, the way that I planned, scheduled

01:00:45.639 --> 01:00:53.559
my time. See, when people talk to me about poverty,

01:00:53.659 --> 01:00:56.320
I think usually they think so much about the

01:00:56.320 --> 01:00:59.199
logistics of not having much. That's where their

01:00:59.199 --> 01:01:04.920
eyes, ears go. But I think the people who have

01:01:04.920 --> 01:01:08.320
actually been through it really know what the

01:01:08.320 --> 01:01:11.980
full experience is like, how it haunts you, how

01:01:11.980 --> 01:01:15.360
it changes the way you think about your finances

01:01:15.360 --> 01:01:17.920
and your relationships and the way that you think

01:01:17.920 --> 01:01:22.800
about yourself. Too often, people don't realize

01:01:22.800 --> 01:01:26.380
the shame and isolation that you feel from the

01:01:26.380 --> 01:01:31.099
rest of society when you don't have money. And

01:01:31.099 --> 01:01:33.579
none of these feelings go away just because you

01:01:33.579 --> 01:01:36.360
get your hands on some money. I could be rich

01:01:36.360 --> 01:01:38.599
overnight and those feelings would still be there.

01:01:40.539 --> 01:01:44.199
Because the truth is, when you go through this,

01:01:44.300 --> 01:01:46.980
it becomes a part of you. Just as when somebody

01:01:46.980 --> 01:01:51.079
experiences a trauma, I imagine it shapes them

01:01:51.079 --> 01:01:54.000
in a way where however you come out on the other

01:01:54.000 --> 01:01:57.380
end, it has definitely, without a doubt, has

01:01:57.380 --> 01:02:00.039
become a part of you. It's just that kind of

01:02:00.039 --> 01:02:05.239
an experience. And there's no redemption story

01:02:05.239 --> 01:02:08.460
here. I'm still mired in it. I'm still learning

01:02:08.460 --> 01:02:10.699
to face and cope with my own past. There's no

01:02:10.699 --> 01:02:14.980
getting past it. There's no just moving on. There's

01:02:14.980 --> 01:02:18.219
no, like, past is just in the past. It's hard

01:02:18.219 --> 01:02:22.000
to when the past has just now become a part of

01:02:22.000 --> 01:02:26.199
who you are. I remember when I was driving by

01:02:26.199 --> 01:02:28.920
West Philadelphia with my partner for the first

01:02:28.920 --> 01:02:32.820
time. I've never been in Philly until then. But

01:02:32.820 --> 01:02:34.780
specifically West Philadelphia, we were passing

01:02:34.780 --> 01:02:38.280
by. I forget exactly why. I wonder if it was

01:02:38.280 --> 01:02:44.039
just on the way to the city to get something

01:02:44.039 --> 01:02:46.260
to eat. I forget exactly why. But I told her

01:02:46.260 --> 01:02:48.440
as I was looking around and seeing all of those

01:02:48.440 --> 01:02:51.460
familiar signs, the boarded up windows and graffiti

01:02:51.460 --> 01:02:54.320
and people. walking aimlessly in the street,

01:02:54.539 --> 01:02:57.380
possibly hopped up on something, pushing around

01:02:57.380 --> 01:03:01.880
their entire belongings in a shopping cart. I

01:03:01.880 --> 01:03:03.559
was looking out and I saw these people and I

01:03:03.559 --> 01:03:06.880
was like, man, this feels like my people. And

01:03:06.880 --> 01:03:09.360
she was trying to reassure me and remind me like

01:03:09.360 --> 01:03:11.760
I wasn't, because she knows about my past. She's

01:03:11.760 --> 01:03:14.219
like, you know, you're not like you used to be.

01:03:14.280 --> 01:03:16.579
You're not in the same situation. She was trying

01:03:16.579 --> 01:03:19.179
to remind me of the reality that I wasn't in

01:03:19.179 --> 01:03:21.900
the same. poverty -stricken situation I used

01:03:21.900 --> 01:03:25.000
to be in. And I remember thinking at the time,

01:03:25.019 --> 01:03:28.360
like, she doesn't understand. These were my people.

01:03:29.380 --> 01:03:32.699
It didn't matter how much money I made, how much

01:03:32.699 --> 01:03:36.300
education I got, whatever status I achieved,

01:03:36.480 --> 01:03:38.679
none of it made a difference. These were my people.

01:03:40.019 --> 01:03:43.219
These are the ones that, you know... or growing

01:03:43.219 --> 01:03:45.639
up in the same conditions that I grew up in,

01:03:45.699 --> 01:03:47.860
experiencing the same kind of hopelessness and

01:03:47.860 --> 01:03:50.820
anger and depression and frustration at life,

01:03:50.820 --> 01:03:55.199
at the world. And just as I'll forever feel a

01:03:55.199 --> 01:03:58.159
kinship with the people living in the worst of

01:03:58.159 --> 01:04:00.880
conditions, I'll feel similarly. We'll always

01:04:00.880 --> 01:04:03.900
feel disconnected to some degree with anyone

01:04:03.900 --> 01:04:07.800
who hasn't been through it, because poverty shaped

01:04:07.800 --> 01:04:10.420
me in a way that will never make sense from the

01:04:10.420 --> 01:04:11.239
outside looking in.