Okay, so we're going to have to talk a little
bit about dominoes and raising canes. I'm going
to take each in turn. I have a serious problem
with both institutions, both organizations, both
companies. I don't know what word to label to
use. They both suck. They both suck terribly.
They're the most disgusting things in the world,
and I have no idea how they remain in business.
Well, I kind of do, but I'm going to explain
why that is a terrible thing. that they actually
remain in business. Okay, so let me start with
one. Let me start with Domino's. All right. The
reason I'm ranting against Domino's specifically
is the following. This is true. Now that I'm
a parent, I'm going to all these kids' birthday
parties. If any time at a birthday party there's
pizza ordered, it's from Domino's. I have a suspicion
as to why, which is mainly that it's the cheapest
to order in mass compared to places like Papa
John's or other places. Um, I guess you could
also go with Little Caesars, but Little Caesars
feels cheap maybe. And then, so maybe there's
some stigma about that. Little Caesars, by the
way, also is disgusting. I think it's, I mean,
it's better than it used to be. I remember when
I was a lot younger, like a decade ago, the pizza
was a lot worse than it is now. So I've tried
it. Don't, don't, don't knock on me and tell
me like, I'm just like hating on things that
I haven't tried. I've tried this shit and it's,
it's terrible. Okay. But I can acknowledge that
Little Caesar has gotten better, still terrible,
but better than it used to be. Domino's actually
as well have gotten a little bit better once
they started putting in that like garlicky butter
thing on their crust to make it a little bit
more tasty, but it's still disgusting, okay?
But it's ordered en masse anytime there's a kid's
birthday party, and I'm pretty sure it's because
it's one of the cheaper options. I know because
I'm a parent myself, and when we're throwing
birthday parties, I can see the price tags and
the options available, all right? Domino's is
disgusting. And there's two primary, actually
three primary reasons why, okay? Dough sucks,
cheese is plastic, and the toppings are awful,
okay? On top of that, I haven't been to a Domino's
where the workers are actually enthused at all
about their work. You know, I've actually seen
people at Papa John's that are like excited to
be working at Papa John's or happy to do it.
Although it's like, you know, your franchise.
Depends on the franchise, right? Depends on the
location. Your miles may vary, okay? But Domino's,
nobody's happy to be at Domino's. They all just
feel like the worst people in life. I don't know
if it's Domino's that's doing that to them. I
want to give them the benefit of the doubt and
say they were probably lovely people until they
started working at Domino's and then Domino's
crushed their soul and then turned them into
little monsters. So they're always like angry
and mean about everything. At least all the ones
in my region are this way. But more importantly,
Domino's as a pizza just sucks balls, okay? Look,
the dough tastes like crap. It is not crispy.
It's not crunchy. It's doughy in all the wrong
ways, okay? In all the wrong ways. Soggy, right?
And if you ever had, like, you know, this is
one of the ways I grade pizza is if you could
leave it overnight and you get cold pizza and
then you eat it and it still tastes, like, good
as a cold pizza, that's usually a sign that,
you know, hey. This pizza might actually have
some potential. But no, Domino's is not like
that. Once it becomes cold, it becomes completely
inedible. It actually tastes like cardboard.
It tastes like not real food. That's what it
tastes like once it becomes cold. And part of
the reason is that the dough is just absolutely
nasty. It doesn't have flavor. If they didn't
put that stuff on the crust, that garlic or whatever
spread they put on there, it would just have
no taste. The texture sucks. It becomes absolutely
rock hard. It's just disgusting in every possible
way. Absolutely every single way. The cheese
is even worse. The cheese tastes plastic. You
know what the cheese tastes like? You know, like
when you have a McDonald fry and then McDonald
fries get cold? For some reason, McDonald fries,
like when they're piping hot, fresh out, right,
the fryer, it's not so bad. But then right when
it turns cold, it tastes like it's not even made
for human consumption. That's what it tastes
like. It's like immediately once it turns cold,
it becomes disgusting in this way. All right.
So what Domino's cheese tastes like is it tastes
kind of like that, right? It's like if it's warm,
it's for some reason it masks the reality that
this is not real food. And then once it cools
down even just a little bit, you realize this
is not real cheese. That's what it tastes like.
I don't know if they're doing this on purpose
or what. Maybe they're secretly like there's
a conspiracy theory for you, right? They're secretly
replacing cheese with like vegan cheese, right?
This is not real cheese. It's like soy cheese
or something, right? Something about it doesn't
taste like real cheese. Okay? But lastly, the
toppings all suck. It's one of the worst type
of pepperonis. Like, I judge a pizza place by
the quality of the pepperoni. Right? This is
part of the reason that I never eat at Blaze
Pizza. Their pepperoni sucks. Major. Okay? Pizza
Guys, I don't know what this chain is, but it's
been popping up in my area recently. Pizza Guys
actually has really great pepperoni. But Domino's
has, I feel like that's fake meat. I am suspicious.
Somebody needs to do research to see what kind
of meat it really is because it's definitely
not pork. It feels like it's an amalgamate of
different kinds of fat mixed with shredded, I
don't know, shredded paper. That is my guess.
And some salt for flavoring. That is my guess.
Something about it, it doesn't crisp up properly.
It just doesn't taste right at all, right? Their
sausage, oh, even worse, right? On a pizza, the
thing that you like most are the veggies. That's
a problem for the other toppings. That's a real
problem for the other toppings. Because fat is
flavor, which means that everything on the pizza,
except for the vegetables, should be the thing
that tastes the best about the pizza. But if
you're actually preferring the mushroom version
of the pizza or the jalapeno version of pizza
without anything else on it, that's a problem.
That means there's something wrong with your
pizza. There's something wrong with your other
toppings. There's something wrong with your fatty
toppings, especially. It also doesn't help that
at any of these kids' parties, there's always
somebody who requests Hawaiian pizza, and that's
the most disgusting thing in the world. Anybody
who orders Hawaiian pizza from anywhere, not
just Domino's, but anywhere in life, you are
a horrible person, and I hope you burn, because
you are making the world a worse place for allowing
this monstrosity to exist ever. There is a way
to include sweetness into the pizza, but it's
not through the pineapple and especially not
with Canadian bacon, which is not real bacon.
Canadian bacon is an affront to God. That's what
I feel like, okay? No Canadian bacon on any pizzas
ever. Even on my meat lover pizzas, I would never
put Canadian bacon on there. That just takes
away from meat flavor. That is a disgusting thing
to put on any pizza. All right. Let's get to
Raising Cane's, okay? I've had this argument
before with friends. Okay, Raising Cane is disgusting.
I do not know why it actually exists. You know
what? Actually, no. Correct. I'm going to correct
myself. It's not necessarily disgusting. It's
just not good. It's just not good, okay? For
the life of me, I do not understand why I see
lines on the drive -thru at Raising Cane's that
resemble the lines at In -N -Out Burger. That
makes no sense to me. Why? Because I've had raisin
canes before. Their chicken is flavorless. It's
disgusting. I get it. You like the crispy chicken
tenders, but here's the fact for you, okay? Your
mileage may vary. A lot of those places, they
sometimes have crispy tenders and sometimes they
don't. What is consistent throughout is that
their chickens lack any sort of flavor. Zero
spice. Disgusting, okay? I would rather have
the Popeye's chicken tenders. And I am not a
fan of chicken tenders, period. I am not a fan
of chicken tenders, okay? Fries, mediocre. Chicken,
not always crispy, always flavorless, okay? It
is not a good sign for your damn restaurant if
people are raving about the sauce. We're going
to come back to that, right? But it's a problem
if... They're excited about the sauce more than
the flavor of the chicken. What that tells me
is that your chicken is under seasoned. Your
chicken tastes like shit. So you need to cover
it up with sauce. That's what that tells me.
Okay. So why do people like raisin canes? Based
on what my conversations with other people, it's,
oh, I really like their sauce. Okay. That's all
well and good. But what about the chicken? Because
isn't that supposed to be the main thing that
you're going there for? No. The chicken itself
is trash. You're using the sauce to mask the
real taste of the chicken, which is ass. Chicken
is horrible, okay? All right, let me get to the
sauce, okay? The sauce is actually disgusting.
I don't know what the fuck people are eating
and letting their taste buds tell them, but the
sauce at Raising Cane's is actually not good.
If I had to do a scale of like one to 10 for
sauces, it would be like slightly above ketchup.
That's where the raisin cane sauce lands for
me. I have no idea why people are so obsessed
with this damn sauce. It tastes like some weird
mix of, I don't know what, ranch, mayo, ketchup,
and mustard. I'm not sure what it is. They put
it in pickle juice maybe? I don't know what the
combination is, right? Okay? It's like trying
to be kind of like the Big Mac sauce, but it's
not quite as good. It's kind of trying to be
kind of like... I don't know if you've ever had
like Clyde's hot chicken, but Clyde's hot chicken
has pretty decent sauce to have with their hot
wings, right? No, this is just disgusting sauce.
I do not understand. It is overly tangy. It's
overly sweet, but not in a pleasant way, right?
It's like, it's not sweet, but it's like, it's
like too sweet for the balance of the flavor
on this thing. Raising cane sauce is fucking
disgusting. And the next person who tells me
that raising cane sauce is like elite level sauce.
I will just discredit, I will just discount any
opinion you have on food, period. Because what
you're telling me is that your taste buds don't
actually work and that you'd be perfectly happy
eating ass. That's what you'd be happy doing,
okay? Dog poo, that's what you eat because that
is disgusting, okay? I can't stress this enough,
okay? Look, I'm not looking for raising canes
to go out of business. I think that it's perfectly
fine for people with bad taste to go ahead and
invest and pay money to eat bad food. Perfectly
fine. What I'm upset about is the fact that there
are so many people that seem to be raving and
lining up for Raising Cane's. I hope this goes
away at some point. I care about my community.
I hope my community raises its eyes, opens it
up. Opens up your, you know, taste buds to reality.
And then realize that Raising Cane's actually
is shit. That if there's any location, there
should be like one location every like 300 miles.
For the very few people who have terrible taste
buds, it should not be some hot thing, exciting
thing when a Raising Cane's opens up in your
neighborhood. It's not. A Popeye's opening up
in your neighborhood should be exciting. I was
excited about that. If any of you had Church's
chicken, that should be praised. Okay? That's
an exciting thing. I love Church's chicken. A
little too greasy. I prefer, like, Popeye's over
it. But, you know, for fast food chicken, pretty
decent. But no one should be excited about Raising
Cane coming to their neighborhood. I don't know
why so many people actually go to Raising Cane's.
It makes absolutely no sense to me. I will never
again in my life step foot into a Raising Cane's.
I will never support it. If a friend ever wants
to go there, I am going to steer them in a different
direction because I care. Because I love my friends,
and I do not want them to suffer through what
is just shitty food. Okay? Please, come at me.
I don't care. The sauce tastes like ass. Nothing
redeeming about Raisin Cane. Popeyes over Raisin
Cane. Any day. Every day. Ugh.