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Wait, is that what I think it is?

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No!

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I feel like sometimes people get a little bit too worked up over the actual term being

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used and not really paying attention to the actual idea being expressed.

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So every time I do one of these, it's not what you think, I feel this way that people

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are just getting worked up and have reactions to the label without actually understanding

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what the label is meant to express.

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And I think that's just really frustrating because it just means that people aren't actually

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listening and paying attention to the idea that's being expressed.

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Because I think when you listen to the idea, you'll realize that it is not anything particularly

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controversial.

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Let me explain toxic masculinity.

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Toxic masculinity is not a claim that masculinity itself is toxic.

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That is not the claim.

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The claim is not, don't be masculine.

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That's not what is being said.

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When somebody uses a term toxic masculinity, if they're using the term correctly, the origins

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of this anyway is like if you look at how it was initially introduced into the discourse,

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it was referring to certain aspects of masculinity, at least how it might be understood at a specific

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period.

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To backtrack a little bit, masculinity, what that means varies from time to time, from

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period to period.

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How we understand what it is to be a man, what that looks like, the prototype, it varies

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in terms of body, in terms of expectations, et cetera.

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If you look historically, just look at what was expected of men throughout the years,

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what it meant to be a man, what kind of expectations were set by society.

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It varies from culture to culture.

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It varies from time period to time period, from era to generations.

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They just differ.

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But here's what toxic masculinity refers to.

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It refers to certain aspects of masculinity as understood at a given time that has some

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toxic qualities.

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For example, when boys are told not to show emotions at all, not to express it, sometimes

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even told straight up not to feel them, don't cry, chin up, be a man, grow up, these things,

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which I've heard as a kid myself, it's not appropriate for you to cry here.

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It's not appropriate for you to or you shouldn't feel this way or you should be able to push

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through whatever it is that I'm crying about.

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When you have masculinity defined as don't show emotions, it's going to have some consequences

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and it's going to have consequences for not just the people around the men that have this

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sort of ingrained into them, but also for men.

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And this is where I want to start.

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The whole notion behind the idea of toxic masculinity, primarily the discussion has

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to do with the kind of men that we're raising and whether or not it's good for society or

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for the men themselves.

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Why is toxic masculinity a problem?

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Well, just take the example of don't show your feelings, don't feel things, don't express

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them, don't share your feelings with others.

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That is a woman thing to do.

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When you're told things like this, guess what happens?

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You internalize it and then you end up being the kind of person who says you're fine when

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you're really not, who's sad but doesn't express it, who might be angry but has to keep it

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in check all the time.

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A man like this is going to be the kind of person that is going to suffer from things

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like depression or anxiety.

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And it explains a lot of why a lot of men are lonely today.

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If you take a look at all the studies on loneliness, it's predominantly a male issue.

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Not saying that it's only strictly a male issue, but it seems to be that men seem to

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be the ones suffering the most when it comes to loneliness, especially after college or

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after a certain place where life has sort of built in a social structure for you.

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Men tend to be very lonely.

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They don't tend to express their feelings.

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They don't share their feelings.

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They have a hard time doing so.

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They have a hard time socializing in this way and building deeper relationships and

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connections with other men.

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And as a result, a lot of men are lonely.

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And all these things connect up with why, you know, when it comes to suicide rates,

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it's much higher in, guess what?

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Men.

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Right?

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It happens mostly in men.

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Okay.

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So when people are talking about toxic masculinity, they're not saying don't be a man.

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They're saying, hey, find a better way to be a man, one that doesn't lead to you being

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depressed, lonely, and committing suicide.

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Okay?

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That's what that means.

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All right?

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And there's a concern because it's not only that you impact yourself, but it impacts other

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people.

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Look, if you're told that you have to be strong, you have to be the breadwinner, right?

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And then as a result, you know, somebody, you know, a woman, let's say, it gets a job

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and it makes more money than you.

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You're in a relationship where they make more money than you.

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Right?

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If you have it ingrained into yourself that being a man, your identity is connected to

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you being the breadwinner, you're going to feel a little insecure, at least about the

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fact that you're not the primary breadwinner.

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And you might lash out in certain ways.

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Right?

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So this might be, you know, things like verbal or physical abuse.

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It could be berating or being dismissive of your romantic partner.

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It could have to do with like trying to take some sort of sense of control.

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Right?

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It's going to come out in some form or fashion.

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Right?

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And what I've learned from going to therapy and studying psychology is that, look, you

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don't whatever it is that you're feeling, it leaks out in one form or another.

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Right?

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If you don't know how to express it and let it out in a healthy way, it's going to come

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out in unhealthy ways.

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And that often means harm, whether it's psychological or physical, to yourself and to others.

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Right?

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So this is what happens.

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This is what happens when we have a bunch of men who define themselves as being a man

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to include certain kinds of traits that are not necessarily healthy for them.

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And then because they're not in a healthy place, guess what?

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Other people have to suffer because their unhealthiness, right?

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Whatever anger or frustration or depression they're dealing with, instead of actually

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dealing with it because you learned how to deal with your own feelings, you know, this

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masculinity thing has taught you to not feel those things or to just get over it.

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So you just repress it.

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As a result, what do you do?

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You lash out at other people.

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You don't acknowledge that you're sad.

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You don't acknowledge that you might need help.

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You don't acknowledge that you need to lean on other people.

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You don't acknowledge that you're lonely.

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And so what do you do instead?

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You try to pretend like it's not there.

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You go out and say things or do things that help you feel temporarily better.

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Maybe it's with alcohol.

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Maybe it's with gambling.

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Maybe it's with exercising power over others.

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Whatever your means of feeling like, you know, whole again, temporarily, you're going to

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go ahead and lash out in those ways.

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And as a result, you're going to continue a pattern of unhealthy behavior, right?

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And everyone's going to have to start like not just you, not women, not children.

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Everybody is going to have to suffer through it, right?

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Everybody.

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And this is the thing that people are referring to when they're talking about toxic masculinity.

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They're not saying don't be a man and don't be manly, right?

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It's questioning what is the definition of being manly.

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It's an acknowledgement that we could define manliness or masculinity in whatever form

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or fashion we would like to.

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And we could all come together to acknowledge like, yeah, there's some ways of understanding

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masculinity and internalizing it that is actually very harmful and other ways that are probably

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healthier, right?

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Wanting to be a productive member of society does not seem like a bad form of masculinity.

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If you want to understand masculinity that way.

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Somebody who is valuable and contributes to the needs of their family.

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That's a great way of understanding masculinity.

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You're not going to feel insecure if you provide for the family by being the primary caretaker

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of the home, right?

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If you're a stay at home dad, for instance, you're not going to feel insecure about it

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if you understand masculinity to be nothing more than, hey, I am somebody who gives it

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100% dedicated to the family and provides in some form or fashion, not necessarily monetarily,

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but I provide for my children or for my spouse, right?

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That's a great way of defining masculinity.

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The point is we can define masculinity all sorts of ways, but the way that masculinity

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is presented to us in the media or in culture, it often seeps into, or from our parents,

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I should say, it seeps into our understanding of who we should be as men.

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Some of those things that we've internalized are just not healthy.

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It's not good for us, right?

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It makes us sadder, more depressed, more anxious, having low self-esteem.

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These are all consequences of toxic masculinity.

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Here's the thing, the people who are so quick to defend masculinity, they hear the term

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like toxic masculinity and they're like, no, there's nothing wrong with masculinity.

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We should be celebrating it, right?

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If you're that quick to not listen and just jump straight into defensive mode, that's

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probably an indication that there's something going on that's leading you to be so defensive.

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You're probably being defensive because of, I don't know what, I don't know.

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I can't speak for you.

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I don't know if it's a kind of insecurity or you feel from your own personal experiences

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like you've been attacked for being the kind of person that you are, but what it tells

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me is that you can't handle criticism, which is a toxic trait.

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We all, none of us are perfect, right?

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And being told that you're not perfect should not be a trigger for you spiraling into like

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a rage-filled rant about how much you're under attack.

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It should be at least a conversation, right?

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You don't need to accept the criticism, right?

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People criticize me all the time.

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Sometimes I'm like, yeah, you have a good point.

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Other times like, nah, I don't think that's a good point, right?

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Take it or leave it.

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But the fact that if you can't even hear a criticism or you can't hear a term that seems

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to just trigger a lot of strong feelings, that tells me that there's a lot of feelings

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to work out, which tells me that maybe it might be worth looking into this toxic masculinity

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thing, right?

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Why is it that you're having a hard time hearing criticism?

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Because the thing is, these should not necessarily be a threat to your masculinity, right?

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Your masculinity, if it's that fragile that a criticism is going to knock you off of your

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sense of masculinity and that it's under threat now, right?

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That tells me that it's just not on solid ground.

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Tells me that your masculinity is not rooted in anything that is solid, concrete, something

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that is reliable, but rather it's going to be privy to a lot of swaying and a lot of

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reactionary responses to your whatever sense of masculinity you have.

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And that's the whole discussion with toxic masculinity.

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That sort of response is the concern because it's that kind of response that leads to dismissiveness

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of others, that leads to your berating or putting down others so that you feel like

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you have control or you feel like you have power or that you have some sense of self-worth,

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right?

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Or you're reading grounds for narcissism, right?

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I mean, this is the last thing that we want in society.

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We don't want men like this.

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I'm a man.

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I don't want men like this in my life.

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It's horrible.

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I don't want to be friends with people like that.

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So look, all I'm saying is this, don't be threatened by the term toxic masculinity.

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Okay?

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Again, it is not an attack on all of masculinity.

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It is a chance for us to evaluate what it actually means to be a man.

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What does masculinity actually look like?

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How has it looked in the past, in the present?

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And then ask yourself, is this actually a healthy conception of masculinity?

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And the proof is going to be in the consequences of having this notion, internalizing a particular

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notion of masculinity, right?

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Using a certain build in terms of like, you know, muscles and all this, right?

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Look, if it's your preference to look a certain way, that's one thing.

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But if you're using it as a way to like cover up insecurities, that seems like a very, you

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know, insecure thing for you to do.

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Right?

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And you could try to cover it up, all your insecurities, in whatever way you want.

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But to be honest, once you have somebody that's grown up and matured and can see right through

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your bullshit, they'll see right through it.

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And the reality is going to be that if you haven't developed a healthy sense of masculinity,

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you're going to be that little insecure kid inside, no matter what you do on the outside

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to try to cover it up.

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So let's try to actually build up healthy men.

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And the way to do that is to actually have a conversation about it.

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What does it actually mean to be a man?

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How do you understand that for yourself?

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What would it look like to be a man?

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What would it look like for you to feel masculine?

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Where are you getting these ideas from?

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And most importantly, is it actually a healthy thing for you?

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Because here's the thing, if you find a healthy way to understand your own masculinity, you

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will be a better person for everybody else around you.

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And as the other person around you, I ask that you work on yourself.

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I will do the same so that I don't become a burden and don't end up harming you.