Wait, is that what I think it is?
No!
I feel like sometimes people get a little bit too worked up over the actual term being
used and not really paying attention to the actual idea being expressed.
So every time I do one of these, it's not what you think, I feel this way that people
are just getting worked up and have reactions to the label without actually understanding
what the label is meant to express.
And I think that's just really frustrating because it just means that people aren't actually
listening and paying attention to the idea that's being expressed.
Because I think when you listen to the idea, you'll realize that it is not anything particularly
controversial.
Let me explain toxic masculinity.
Toxic masculinity is not a claim that masculinity itself is toxic.
That is not the claim.
The claim is not, don't be masculine.
That's not what is being said.
When somebody uses a term toxic masculinity, if they're using the term correctly, the origins
of this anyway is like if you look at how it was initially introduced into the discourse,
it was referring to certain aspects of masculinity, at least how it might be understood at a specific
period.
To backtrack a little bit, masculinity, what that means varies from time to time, from
period to period.
How we understand what it is to be a man, what that looks like, the prototype, it varies
in terms of body, in terms of expectations, et cetera.
If you look historically, just look at what was expected of men throughout the years,
what it meant to be a man, what kind of expectations were set by society.
It varies from culture to culture.
It varies from time period to time period, from era to generations.
They just differ.
But here's what toxic masculinity refers to.
It refers to certain aspects of masculinity as understood at a given time that has some
toxic qualities.
For example, when boys are told not to show emotions at all, not to express it, sometimes
even told straight up not to feel them, don't cry, chin up, be a man, grow up, these things,
which I've heard as a kid myself, it's not appropriate for you to cry here.
It's not appropriate for you to or you shouldn't feel this way or you should be able to push
through whatever it is that I'm crying about.
When you have masculinity defined as don't show emotions, it's going to have some consequences
and it's going to have consequences for not just the people around the men that have this
sort of ingrained into them, but also for men.
And this is where I want to start.
The whole notion behind the idea of toxic masculinity, primarily the discussion has
to do with the kind of men that we're raising and whether or not it's good for society or
for the men themselves.
Why is toxic masculinity a problem?
Well, just take the example of don't show your feelings, don't feel things, don't express
them, don't share your feelings with others.
That is a woman thing to do.
When you're told things like this, guess what happens?
You internalize it and then you end up being the kind of person who says you're fine when
you're really not, who's sad but doesn't express it, who might be angry but has to keep it
in check all the time.
A man like this is going to be the kind of person that is going to suffer from things
like depression or anxiety.
And it explains a lot of why a lot of men are lonely today.
If you take a look at all the studies on loneliness, it's predominantly a male issue.
Not saying that it's only strictly a male issue, but it seems to be that men seem to
be the ones suffering the most when it comes to loneliness, especially after college or
after a certain place where life has sort of built in a social structure for you.
Men tend to be very lonely.
They don't tend to express their feelings.
They don't share their feelings.
They have a hard time doing so.
They have a hard time socializing in this way and building deeper relationships and
connections with other men.
And as a result, a lot of men are lonely.
And all these things connect up with why, you know, when it comes to suicide rates,
it's much higher in, guess what?
Men.
Right?
It happens mostly in men.
Okay.
So when people are talking about toxic masculinity, they're not saying don't be a man.
They're saying, hey, find a better way to be a man, one that doesn't lead to you being
depressed, lonely, and committing suicide.
Okay?
That's what that means.
All right?
And there's a concern because it's not only that you impact yourself, but it impacts other
people.
Look, if you're told that you have to be strong, you have to be the breadwinner, right?
And then as a result, you know, somebody, you know, a woman, let's say, it gets a job
and it makes more money than you.
You're in a relationship where they make more money than you.
Right?
If you have it ingrained into yourself that being a man, your identity is connected to
you being the breadwinner, you're going to feel a little insecure, at least about the
fact that you're not the primary breadwinner.
And you might lash out in certain ways.
Right?
So this might be, you know, things like verbal or physical abuse.
It could be berating or being dismissive of your romantic partner.
It could have to do with like trying to take some sort of sense of control.
Right?
It's going to come out in some form or fashion.
Right?
And what I've learned from going to therapy and studying psychology is that, look, you
don't whatever it is that you're feeling, it leaks out in one form or another.
Right?
If you don't know how to express it and let it out in a healthy way, it's going to come
out in unhealthy ways.
And that often means harm, whether it's psychological or physical, to yourself and to others.
Right?
So this is what happens.
This is what happens when we have a bunch of men who define themselves as being a man
to include certain kinds of traits that are not necessarily healthy for them.
And then because they're not in a healthy place, guess what?
Other people have to suffer because their unhealthiness, right?
Whatever anger or frustration or depression they're dealing with, instead of actually
dealing with it because you learned how to deal with your own feelings, you know, this
masculinity thing has taught you to not feel those things or to just get over it.
So you just repress it.
As a result, what do you do?
You lash out at other people.
You don't acknowledge that you're sad.
You don't acknowledge that you might need help.
You don't acknowledge that you need to lean on other people.
You don't acknowledge that you're lonely.
And so what do you do instead?
You try to pretend like it's not there.
You go out and say things or do things that help you feel temporarily better.
Maybe it's with alcohol.
Maybe it's with gambling.
Maybe it's with exercising power over others.
Whatever your means of feeling like, you know, whole again, temporarily, you're going to
go ahead and lash out in those ways.
And as a result, you're going to continue a pattern of unhealthy behavior, right?
And everyone's going to have to start like not just you, not women, not children.
Everybody is going to have to suffer through it, right?
Everybody.
And this is the thing that people are referring to when they're talking about toxic masculinity.
They're not saying don't be a man and don't be manly, right?
It's questioning what is the definition of being manly.
It's an acknowledgement that we could define manliness or masculinity in whatever form
or fashion we would like to.
And we could all come together to acknowledge like, yeah, there's some ways of understanding
masculinity and internalizing it that is actually very harmful and other ways that are probably
healthier, right?
Wanting to be a productive member of society does not seem like a bad form of masculinity.
If you want to understand masculinity that way.
Somebody who is valuable and contributes to the needs of their family.
That's a great way of understanding masculinity.
You're not going to feel insecure if you provide for the family by being the primary caretaker
of the home, right?
If you're a stay at home dad, for instance, you're not going to feel insecure about it
if you understand masculinity to be nothing more than, hey, I am somebody who gives it
100% dedicated to the family and provides in some form or fashion, not necessarily monetarily,
but I provide for my children or for my spouse, right?
That's a great way of defining masculinity.
The point is we can define masculinity all sorts of ways, but the way that masculinity
is presented to us in the media or in culture, it often seeps into, or from our parents,
I should say, it seeps into our understanding of who we should be as men.
Some of those things that we've internalized are just not healthy.
It's not good for us, right?
It makes us sadder, more depressed, more anxious, having low self-esteem.
These are all consequences of toxic masculinity.
Here's the thing, the people who are so quick to defend masculinity, they hear the term
like toxic masculinity and they're like, no, there's nothing wrong with masculinity.
We should be celebrating it, right?
If you're that quick to not listen and just jump straight into defensive mode, that's
probably an indication that there's something going on that's leading you to be so defensive.
You're probably being defensive because of, I don't know what, I don't know.
I can't speak for you.
I don't know if it's a kind of insecurity or you feel from your own personal experiences
like you've been attacked for being the kind of person that you are, but what it tells
me is that you can't handle criticism, which is a toxic trait.
We all, none of us are perfect, right?
And being told that you're not perfect should not be a trigger for you spiraling into like
a rage-filled rant about how much you're under attack.
It should be at least a conversation, right?
You don't need to accept the criticism, right?
People criticize me all the time.
Sometimes I'm like, yeah, you have a good point.
Other times like, nah, I don't think that's a good point, right?
Take it or leave it.
But the fact that if you can't even hear a criticism or you can't hear a term that seems
to just trigger a lot of strong feelings, that tells me that there's a lot of feelings
to work out, which tells me that maybe it might be worth looking into this toxic masculinity
thing, right?
Why is it that you're having a hard time hearing criticism?
Because the thing is, these should not necessarily be a threat to your masculinity, right?
Your masculinity, if it's that fragile that a criticism is going to knock you off of your
sense of masculinity and that it's under threat now, right?
That tells me that it's just not on solid ground.
Tells me that your masculinity is not rooted in anything that is solid, concrete, something
that is reliable, but rather it's going to be privy to a lot of swaying and a lot of
reactionary responses to your whatever sense of masculinity you have.
And that's the whole discussion with toxic masculinity.
That sort of response is the concern because it's that kind of response that leads to dismissiveness
of others, that leads to your berating or putting down others so that you feel like
you have control or you feel like you have power or that you have some sense of self-worth,
right?
Or you're reading grounds for narcissism, right?
I mean, this is the last thing that we want in society.
We don't want men like this.
I'm a man.
I don't want men like this in my life.
It's horrible.
I don't want to be friends with people like that.
So look, all I'm saying is this, don't be threatened by the term toxic masculinity.
Okay?
Again, it is not an attack on all of masculinity.
It is a chance for us to evaluate what it actually means to be a man.
What does masculinity actually look like?
How has it looked in the past, in the present?
And then ask yourself, is this actually a healthy conception of masculinity?
And the proof is going to be in the consequences of having this notion, internalizing a particular
notion of masculinity, right?
Using a certain build in terms of like, you know, muscles and all this, right?
Look, if it's your preference to look a certain way, that's one thing.
But if you're using it as a way to like cover up insecurities, that seems like a very, you
know, insecure thing for you to do.
Right?
And you could try to cover it up, all your insecurities, in whatever way you want.
But to be honest, once you have somebody that's grown up and matured and can see right through
your bullshit, they'll see right through it.
And the reality is going to be that if you haven't developed a healthy sense of masculinity,
you're going to be that little insecure kid inside, no matter what you do on the outside
to try to cover it up.
So let's try to actually build up healthy men.
And the way to do that is to actually have a conversation about it.
What does it actually mean to be a man?
How do you understand that for yourself?
What would it look like to be a man?
What would it look like for you to feel masculine?
Where are you getting these ideas from?
And most importantly, is it actually a healthy thing for you?
Because here's the thing, if you find a healthy way to understand your own masculinity, you
will be a better person for everybody else around you.
And as the other person around you, I ask that you work on yourself.
I will do the same so that I don't become a burden and don't end up harming you.