Tare Tuesday.
French fries are one of the greatest gifts to humankind.
Okay?
I don't know if there's anything better than French fries.
Done well.
French fries, something about frying starch, I think just any fried starch, absolutely
amazing.
Okay?
But there are three cardinal sins in my book of things you can do to French fries to completely
ruin it and make me think very, very lowly of you.
Okay?
First thing, and this one's an easy one, I think most people agree to this one, okay?
First thing is if you do not season the fries, if it doesn't have enough salt on it, right?
You know, there's some places where they'll give you the French fries and they will not
salt them, right?
And then you have to salt it yourself.
If you choose not to salt it, I don't care if it's for health reasons or whatever else,
right?
If it's for health reasons, just don't eat French fries.
All right?
If you can't add salt to it, don't eat French fries.
All right?
You need to season it in some form or fashion.
It needs to have some seasoning on it.
Okay?
All right.
I think we could all agree to that.
French fries without seasoning, absolutely disgusting.
There's no point in eating it.
Just go ahead and, you know, just throw it in the trash if you're going to do that.
Okay?
Here's the second thing.
Do not ever dip it in straight ketchup.
If you dip it in straight ketchup and eat it, I hate you and I'll hate you for life.
Okay?
French fries should never be dipped in straight ketchup.
I don't care if it's the, you know, quality Heinz ketchup.
Okay?
French fries in straight ketchup, absolutely disgusting.
What the hell is wrong with you?
Okay?
Now I want to be clear about this.
I have no problem with tomato based sauces.
All right?
And I'm in fact completely fine with ketchup that has been flavored in a lot of unique
ways.
All right?
There's places where they just specialize in French fries and they have a bunch of interesting
flavored dips.
All right?
And then they'll make the dip like some of them, the base will be ketchup, right?
It'll be ketchup mixed with a bunch of other stuff like sriracha or something to spice
it up and make it, you know, have some sort of flavor profile.
Okay?
That's fine.
Okay?
If you want to get all experimental, you want to try new things, I'm okay with it.
Okay?
I probably will still not like it, but you know, taste your own.
I'm okay with that.
Okay?
But if it's just straight ketchup, what the hell is wrong with you?
Okay?
You're ruining the whole point of a French fry.
The salty, starchy deliciousness that is French fry, you just ruined it by covering it with
a shit sauce that is going to add way too much sweetness and vinegaredness and everything
else that's going to make it just awful.
Okay?
That's disgusting.
You should just burn for that.
That is a terrible thing to do to a French fry.
I'm offended on behalf of French fries everywhere for what you did to that French fry.
Okay?
Do not dip it in straight ketchup.
Okay?
I do not know why this is still a thing.
Okay?
Every time I go to a restaurant, drive through wherever and I order French fries and they
give me, they ask me about ketchup on the side, I want to just like punch them in the
face.
The only question they should be giving me is anything but the ketchup.
It should be things like barbecue sauce.
I'll even take ranch sauce.
I'll take whatever shitty other sauce you have or just have it plain with salt.
Right?
That's just like the fries by itself with no seasoning other than the salt, if that's
the case, rather than have it with ketchup.
Okay?
Do not offer me ketchup.
Okay?
Do not even make it a thing.
Okay?
Stop, start, just start getting rid of the ketchup packets.
That's what I would suggest.
Okay?
All the fast food joints, start getting just rid of ketchup packets.
Okay?
Do not offer them to people at all.
Okay?
If they ask for ketchup so that they can have it with their fries, you tell them to just
go to hell.
All right?
That's completely unacceptable.
Okay?
Here's a third cardinal sin.
All right?
And this is similar to the ketchup thing.
You might already know where I'm going with this.
Okay?
If you dip your ketchup in straight mayo, you are 99% sure, I'm pretty sure, you are a serial
killer.
Like that's the only explanation.
Something wrong with you.
Okay?
I would call the police on you because I'm afraid of what you're going to do to other
people.
Okay?
You do not dip ketchup in straight mayo.
And here's the reason for it.
Okay?
It's a little different than ketchup.
Ketchup has some sort of flavor palette and the flavor palette is just disgusting.
It doesn't go well with ketchup at all.
Okay?
In fact, ketchup doesn't go well with most things.
Right?
Ketchup, I usually, if I have ketchup, right?
I do have ketchup at home.
If I have ketchup, it's going to be mixed with a bunch of other stuff, but I can acknowledge
that ketchup has a certain flavor.
Okay?
Mayo is a little different.
Mayo doesn't taste like shit, at least straight mayo by itself.
Again, like ketchup, if you add stuff to the mayo, that's perfectly fine.
You can add stuff to the mayo and make it delicious.
You know, in fact, you know what aioli is?
Aioli is just a fancy word for mayo.
Okay?
So when you go to a restaurant and they go, Oh, would you like garlic aioli on that?
That's just garlic mayo.
That's what that is.
Okay?
It's not anything else.
It's mayo.
All right.
So I have no problem with mayo.
In fact, I love mayo.
I love mayo on a lot of things.
Right?
If I have a sandwich, I'm 99% sure I'm going to want a lot of mayo on there.
Okay?
Mayo could add flavor when it's combined with a bunch of other stuff.
That's when mayo has flavor.
Okay?
That's when we have has flavor.
Mayo ever, mayo adds that fatty flavorness.
Right?
That umami.
Okay?
But you know what?
French fries already have that.
You're not adding anything to it by dipping it into goddamn mayo.
It just looks nasty.
It's disgusting.
All right?
If you're going to, if you really, really want to have mayo, if you want to have that
mayo flavor, add some flavor to your goddamn mayo.
All right?
You can add whatever the hell you want to.
Just don't have it be straight mayo.
You don't have some suggestions for you.
Right?
Garlic is always a good combination with mayo.
Okay?
You could add like veggie type stuff like sun dried tomatoes.
You can add capers to it.
Right?
You can add it into like a tartar sauce.
Okay?
Tartar sauce in fact is actually very good with French fries.
Okay?
Just do not have the straight mayo.
Like what the hell are you thinking?
Like why would you think that that's good?
Okay?
If you think that's good, I am like, look, like, you know when you go to the Yelp reviews,
right?
And you see that there's a bunch of reviews and then there's always that one or two reviews
where they, the reviewer says something that makes you suspicious of their review.
Like you can't trust their opinion on anything about the food that they ate.
Right?
Mayo is one of them.
Right?
If in the Yelp review, somebody goes to a restaurant and says, yeah, I ordered the fries
and then I had it and dipped it in just straight mayo and ate it.
And then they give me, you know, they're not even talking about the French fries.
They're talking about some other dish that they had.
Okay?
Whatever their opinion is on that other dish, I am not going to take their word for any
of that shit.
I am going to go the complete opposite direction and think that because you dip your French
fries in mayo, I cannot trust your taste buds on anything at all.
And so in fact, whatever you claim is disgusting is probably good and whatever is good is probably
disgusting.
Okay?
Your taste buds is all out of whack if you are dipping your goddamn French fries into
mayo.
Okay?
Go ahead and fix your tongue.
Okay?
Figure out what the hell is going on.
What's wrong with your tongue that you're actually wanting this?
Okay?
If you're dipping your French fries in mayo, I also imagine you taking those squeeze bottles
of mayo and then just chugging dollops of mayo straight from that squeeze bottle straight
into your mouth.
And that is absolutely gross.
That's disgusting.
Okay?
Do not, do not for the love of God ever do this.
All right?
And if you're one of the people who do it, please get some help.
Maybe I should put some resources up on here so that you could go ahead and get that help.
Oh my goodness.
What are people doing with their food?