1 00:00:00,000 --> 00:00:04,680 Quick question for the parents out there who are pressuring their kids to try to get into 2 00:00:04,680 --> 00:00:08,080 these good colleges that are highly ranked and all that. 3 00:00:08,080 --> 00:00:29,160 I just really want to know, what's your deal? 4 00:00:29,160 --> 00:00:33,120 Hello parents, if you don't know what this is, this is the pop out and I'm your host, 5 00:00:33,120 --> 00:00:34,120 Albert Shin. 6 00:00:34,120 --> 00:00:39,360 You know, parents today, I want to have an honest discussion with you about your role 7 00:00:39,360 --> 00:00:41,320 in your child's education. 8 00:00:41,320 --> 00:00:46,520 And I want to speak to you as a fellow parent who I'm going to assume, like me, you care 9 00:00:46,520 --> 00:00:51,200 about your child, you want what's best for them, and you find it to be your duty to help 10 00:00:51,200 --> 00:00:58,120 guide your children the best you can, and that you want them to have the best of opportunities. 11 00:00:58,120 --> 00:01:01,640 You want them to live up to their potentials, you want them to live a happy life, yada, 12 00:01:01,640 --> 00:01:02,640 yada, yada. 13 00:01:02,640 --> 00:01:06,760 I'm going to assume that this is all the case. 14 00:01:06,760 --> 00:01:14,620 Even so, as we talk about what it means to try to give your child the best opportunities 15 00:01:14,620 --> 00:01:20,080 and to guide them in the right way, I want you to ask yourself a question that I often 16 00:01:20,080 --> 00:01:27,040 have to ask myself, which is, how much of this that I'm doing, all the things, energy, 17 00:01:27,040 --> 00:01:32,800 work, money I'm putting into this, how much of this is about them, and how much of it 18 00:01:32,800 --> 00:01:35,520 is really about you? 19 00:01:35,520 --> 00:01:39,600 And it's honestly not an easy question to answer. 20 00:01:39,600 --> 00:01:41,040 It isn't. 21 00:01:41,040 --> 00:01:47,260 Because we always want to believe that we're doing something for the sake of our child. 22 00:01:47,260 --> 00:01:54,000 We want to assume that when we pay for tutoring or for those additional lessons or, you know, 23 00:01:54,000 --> 00:01:58,600 we drive them around to all their extracurricular activities or stay on top of them and make 24 00:01:58,600 --> 00:02:02,880 sure that they're getting all their homework done or, you know, that they're meeting all 25 00:02:02,880 --> 00:02:08,800 these deadlines and we're, you know, getting on top of them and nagging them sometimes, 26 00:02:08,800 --> 00:02:13,320 we're doing it because we think it's good for them, right? 27 00:02:13,320 --> 00:02:18,040 But I want to have this conversation specifically with regards to colleges and applying for 28 00:02:18,040 --> 00:02:23,920 colleges and thinking about what kind of colleges your student, your child will apply to. 29 00:02:23,920 --> 00:02:28,680 And where they might get into and your place in kind of preparing them for that, whether 30 00:02:28,680 --> 00:02:34,120 it's getting them help with their SATs or, you know, helping them with projects or whatever 31 00:02:34,120 --> 00:02:38,280 else it might be. 32 00:02:38,280 --> 00:02:45,280 If it's really about your child, then I imagine you'd want them to go to a place that makes 33 00:02:45,280 --> 00:02:50,740 sense for who they are, for the kind of skill set that they developed, for the interests 34 00:02:50,740 --> 00:02:54,240 that they developed, for the kind of life they want to create for themselves. 35 00:02:54,240 --> 00:02:59,560 Now, you might disagree with them and this might be a place of contention between the 36 00:02:59,560 --> 00:03:04,040 two of you where you don't see eye to eye on what's best for your own child. 37 00:03:04,040 --> 00:03:07,680 But we're talking about these near adults, aren't we? 38 00:03:07,680 --> 00:03:12,240 Who are eventually going to have to grow into real adults, have to figure out how to figure 39 00:03:12,240 --> 00:03:15,480 out how to live through and navigate through life themselves. 40 00:03:15,480 --> 00:03:22,640 So is your being there and pushing them and being on top of them and doing everything 41 00:03:22,640 --> 00:03:27,280 for them really helping them? 42 00:03:27,280 --> 00:03:33,640 Is your pushing them to apply to a bunch of schools that they have zero interest in, not 43 00:03:33,640 --> 00:03:39,280 for no good reason, but because they just, maybe they visited the university, there's 44 00:03:39,280 --> 00:03:40,480 nothing appeals to them. 45 00:03:40,480 --> 00:03:44,120 They don't like anything about the location or the kinds of activities they want to be 46 00:03:44,120 --> 00:03:45,800 involved in. 47 00:03:45,800 --> 00:03:51,600 If you're pushing them to things that they are not wanting for themselves, again, I ask 48 00:03:51,600 --> 00:03:58,240 the question, how much of this is for you as opposed to being for them? 49 00:03:58,240 --> 00:04:02,920 Now, I've got to be honest with you. 50 00:04:02,920 --> 00:04:08,080 From my experience when dealing with students who are dealing with a lot of anxiety and 51 00:04:08,080 --> 00:04:15,280 stress when it comes to college applications, the pressure is often not coming from inside 52 00:04:15,280 --> 00:04:16,800 of them. 53 00:04:16,800 --> 00:04:18,280 They're not putting the pressure on themselves. 54 00:04:18,280 --> 00:04:21,600 Now some students, yes, that's the case. 55 00:04:21,600 --> 00:04:25,060 And a few times it might be peers, especially if you're hanging around with other students 56 00:04:25,060 --> 00:04:29,780 that are high achievers, then there's a lot of pressure to try to get into some of these 57 00:04:29,780 --> 00:04:34,620 top notch, highest ranked schools, most competitive schools. 58 00:04:34,620 --> 00:04:39,880 But the place where I find the most emotional distress for students, it comes from their 59 00:04:39,880 --> 00:04:40,880 parents. 60 00:04:40,880 --> 00:04:48,040 It comes from parents being disappointed in their SAT grade, their SAT scores, in their 61 00:04:48,040 --> 00:04:53,800 grades, and parents thinking that they could do better, and their parents pushing them 62 00:04:53,800 --> 00:05:02,440 to try something more or to achieve a bigger accolade, or asking them, why aren't you applying 63 00:05:02,440 --> 00:05:05,560 for these awards or scholarships? 64 00:05:05,560 --> 00:05:10,240 Why aren't you going for these leadership positions? 65 00:05:10,240 --> 00:05:12,160 This is where it comes from. 66 00:05:12,160 --> 00:05:17,040 Because as much as we want to think that the world and everyone else is going to have a 67 00:05:17,040 --> 00:05:21,920 great deal of influence on our kids, your kids, the number one influence on their lives 68 00:05:21,920 --> 00:05:24,060 are going to be you. 69 00:05:24,060 --> 00:05:28,080 And they care whether they mention it or not, whether they say it or not. 70 00:05:28,080 --> 00:05:32,280 How you feel about them matters to them. 71 00:05:32,280 --> 00:05:39,240 And I cannot tell you the number of times when I have sat in SAT classes, in private 72 00:05:39,240 --> 00:05:45,920 office hours, working with students, just working through their feelings, because they 73 00:05:45,920 --> 00:05:49,460 just feel so worthless. 74 00:05:49,460 --> 00:05:54,520 Because they realize, oh my goodness, the grades I got, the SAT scores that I have, 75 00:05:54,520 --> 00:05:59,400 are going to make me very uncompetitive when it comes to some of these top notch, most 76 00:05:59,400 --> 00:06:01,480 competitive schools. 77 00:06:01,480 --> 00:06:04,400 And I feel like I have to get in there. 78 00:06:04,400 --> 00:06:11,240 I mean, this is across the board with any parent who claims to really care for their 79 00:06:11,240 --> 00:06:12,240 child. 80 00:06:12,240 --> 00:06:16,740 Again, it's normal for you to want to push your kids to be the best they can be. 81 00:06:16,740 --> 00:06:21,000 But at some point, you're going to have to start acknowledging that they are who they 82 00:06:21,000 --> 00:06:22,360 are. 83 00:06:22,360 --> 00:06:26,400 And they're going to have to try to figure out what's best for them in the situation 84 00:06:26,400 --> 00:06:28,400 that they're in. 85 00:06:28,400 --> 00:06:34,800 And putting in certain benchmarks for what they should accomplish, really, the only thing 86 00:06:34,800 --> 00:06:41,320 that serves is to make them miserable, make them hateful towards themselves. 87 00:06:41,320 --> 00:06:45,680 I mean, I don't know if this is what any parent would want for their kid, for the kid to hate 88 00:06:45,680 --> 00:06:46,680 themselves. 89 00:06:46,680 --> 00:06:50,280 I think that's an awful thing for a kid to experience. 90 00:06:50,280 --> 00:06:54,220 But this is a common feeling that I've had to deal with when it comes to a lot of these 91 00:06:54,220 --> 00:06:58,640 high school students who feel like they're not living up to their parents' expectations. 92 00:06:58,640 --> 00:07:02,880 Now, sometimes the parents might not be doing this explicitly. 93 00:07:02,880 --> 00:07:06,840 Sometimes it's simply offhand remarks that they might have. 94 00:07:06,840 --> 00:07:12,840 Or it might just be, if parents went to a very successful, had a very successful career 95 00:07:12,840 --> 00:07:17,360 or has accomplished quite a bit themselves or have a lot of accolades or went to some 96 00:07:17,360 --> 00:07:23,040 of these competitive colleges, the kids will naturally, if they have a good relationship 97 00:07:23,040 --> 00:07:28,040 with their parents, will probably want to also go to those same places, or at least 98 00:07:28,040 --> 00:07:30,680 be on the same level. 99 00:07:30,680 --> 00:07:35,080 And so, you know, you might not have intentionally put that sort of pressure on them. 100 00:07:35,080 --> 00:07:41,040 But if you haven't had that conversation with them, to talk them off the ledge and say, 101 00:07:41,040 --> 00:07:45,880 hey, you know, our love for you is not conditional. 102 00:07:45,880 --> 00:07:51,560 It doesn't depend on you accomplishing X, Y, and Z. 103 00:07:51,560 --> 00:07:56,280 If this university is the right fit for you, regardless of their rankings or regardless 104 00:07:56,280 --> 00:08:01,840 of reputation or regardless of, you know, how others might view it, right, if it's the 105 00:08:01,840 --> 00:08:05,640 right place for you, it's the right place for you. 106 00:08:05,640 --> 00:08:13,680 Because let's be honest, a lot of parents are going to feel ashamed to say, oh, my kid 107 00:08:13,680 --> 00:08:20,640 who I had such high hopes for ended up going to a state college or ended up going to a 108 00:08:20,640 --> 00:08:23,320 community college, right? 109 00:08:23,320 --> 00:08:27,720 Now if the parents don't have that sort of expectation, then so be it. 110 00:08:27,720 --> 00:08:34,880 But the parents that do, you know, a lot of them are going to feel very disappointed when 111 00:08:34,880 --> 00:08:37,680 they're not going to some of these more competitive colleges. 112 00:08:37,680 --> 00:08:43,520 They're going to do that comparison game, right, between their kid and other parents' 113 00:08:43,520 --> 00:08:49,000 kids, right, and then figure out, oh, my goodness, what could I have done to get my kids into 114 00:08:49,000 --> 00:08:51,840 this better place? 115 00:08:51,840 --> 00:08:56,040 Or they might talk about it in conversation where it's kind of hush-hush, right, let's 116 00:08:56,040 --> 00:08:57,040 not mention it. 117 00:08:57,040 --> 00:09:03,200 And I think this sort of culture needs to change among parents more than anything. 118 00:09:03,200 --> 00:09:09,600 We all have value, and we are all trying to find the way to live our life that is best 119 00:09:09,600 --> 00:09:11,680 for us. 120 00:09:11,680 --> 00:09:17,320 And no matter what the parents say, the kids at the end of the day are going to have to 121 00:09:17,320 --> 00:09:19,240 live their lives. 122 00:09:19,240 --> 00:09:24,720 They're going to have to figure out what is going to be the right path for them to follow. 123 00:09:24,720 --> 00:09:31,520 And you can be a part of helping them in that journey, or you can be the one to direct their 124 00:09:31,520 --> 00:09:32,520 life. 125 00:09:32,520 --> 00:09:38,680 I'm going to tell you right now, if you try to do the latter and you try to be the director 126 00:09:38,680 --> 00:09:44,600 of their life, you're going to be doing this, A, probably for the rest of your life, which 127 00:09:44,600 --> 00:09:48,320 would create a bunch of grown children. 128 00:09:48,320 --> 00:09:54,280 But I think B, more importantly, it's going to lead to a miserable life for your kids, 129 00:09:54,280 --> 00:09:59,680 where they don't feel a sense of empowerment, that they can make decisions on their own, 130 00:09:59,680 --> 00:10:04,800 whether they make mistakes or not, that they're able to go ahead and figure out what they 131 00:10:04,800 --> 00:10:08,400 want to do, make those mistakes, and learn from them. 132 00:10:08,400 --> 00:10:15,320 If they don't go through that experience and have certain regrets, that's not good putting 133 00:10:15,320 --> 00:10:17,560 them in a position to be able to really grow. 134 00:10:17,560 --> 00:10:19,840 They need to have those experiences. 135 00:10:19,840 --> 00:10:23,640 And unfortunately, you do need to let them fall. 136 00:10:23,640 --> 00:10:27,280 Now, I do want to say it's not really falling. 137 00:10:27,280 --> 00:10:29,440 I'm saying falling in your eyes, maybe. 138 00:10:29,440 --> 00:10:32,400 But it's not really going to be falling. 139 00:10:32,400 --> 00:10:37,540 Because the truth, and this is what I think I hope I've covered in the first several episodes 140 00:10:37,540 --> 00:10:44,320 of this podcast, the truth of the matter is that as long as they get a college degree 141 00:10:44,320 --> 00:10:50,360 from a reputable university, not one of these for-profit ones, they're going to have a good 142 00:10:50,360 --> 00:10:52,280 shot at life. 143 00:10:52,280 --> 00:10:54,400 They're going to have a good shot. 144 00:10:54,400 --> 00:10:56,400 They're going to be able to make a living. 145 00:10:56,400 --> 00:10:59,500 They're going to be able to have a family, if that's what they want. 146 00:10:59,500 --> 00:11:01,360 They're going to be able to pursue their dreams. 147 00:11:01,360 --> 00:11:05,760 They're going to be able to open up opportunities, again, as long as they take advantage of the 148 00:11:05,760 --> 00:11:09,740 opportunities they're given, they'll be able to do all those things. 149 00:11:09,740 --> 00:11:12,040 You don't have to worry about it. 150 00:11:12,040 --> 00:11:17,560 Your anxiety, again, you got to ask, where is this anxiety coming from? 151 00:11:17,560 --> 00:11:21,520 Are they really doing something that is detrimental to their well-being? 152 00:11:21,520 --> 00:11:30,320 I mean, if they're snorting cocaine every day, then it's a genuine worry. 153 00:11:30,320 --> 00:11:37,080 But if they are actually pursuing something good, it's just that it's not exactly what 154 00:11:37,080 --> 00:11:43,000 you might have wanted for them, but it's something that brings them joy, it brings them life, 155 00:11:43,000 --> 00:11:46,880 it fits with the kind of person that they are, it fits with the talent that they have 156 00:11:46,880 --> 00:11:52,160 and cultivate it, it fits everything about who they are. 157 00:11:52,160 --> 00:11:55,840 Why the anxiety? 158 00:11:55,840 --> 00:12:04,360 So I just wanted to take a moment before we move on in this podcast to say, hey, parents, 159 00:12:04,360 --> 00:12:05,900 it's okay. 160 00:12:05,900 --> 00:12:09,840 It's okay to care about your children and to push them into being the best that they 161 00:12:09,840 --> 00:12:11,300 can be. 162 00:12:11,300 --> 00:12:15,600 It's okay to teach them what competition looks like and how to deal with it. 163 00:12:15,600 --> 00:12:19,720 It's okay to show them how to respond to disappointment. 164 00:12:19,720 --> 00:12:26,660 It's okay to give them information that is necessary for their well-being. 165 00:12:26,660 --> 00:12:28,840 It's good to do all of these things. 166 00:12:28,840 --> 00:12:36,320 But I hope that you, like I am having to learn to do almost every day, is to ask myself the 167 00:12:36,320 --> 00:12:50,760 question, am I doing this for them or is this really about me?