Hey guys, welcome back to the podcast. First of all, I'm not on my usual setup at the moment,
so I apologize for the audio quality. If you hear any movement or anything, it's just me
kind of walking around. I sort of do this and I walk around a little bit when I have
like the freedom to do so, because I'm not on a wired headset today. It gives me the
opportunity to walk around, so sorry if you hear any background noise. But this will be
a pretty informative episode, or at least I think it will be. So I hope you take some
value from it, and I hope it's not too unbearable to listen to an airport quality voice. Anyway,
so today I wanted to talk about something that's been a pretty recent thing for me.
I will say this right now, I haven't been sort of having this like mindset for, I guess
it's a mindset for long. But I've done some research in that time and I've talked to a
few professionals, including my own therapist, counselor, whatever you call it in this time.
So I do have a little bit of insight, but it might be something that other people have
realized already, but just for me, this is a pretty new discovery. I just wanted to share
it and talk about it because there may be some other people in the same position as
me that kind of need to hear this. So basically, when I first developed all this and metaphobia
stuff, and I did my research, and I discovered what it was and I did, you know, that's just
what we all do at the start. You know, there was peace and finding out that it was something
real. But at the same time, it was also like how the hell am I supposed to deal with this?
During that time, I sort of have went through all the motions, just random panic attacks,
days where I wanted to give up, days where I was fine, just your usual healing process
or dealing with a process. I wasn't really healing, but I went through, you know, the
same thing as you did, I guess, you know, most for the most part, I assume it's pretty
similar. And then I got to a point where I was comfortable enough doing the things I
was doing. I was comfortable enough eating the food that I liked. I had a pretty wide
a wide variety of food I ate. I was comfortable going for my walks outside again. I wasn't
afraid to leave the house so much that even I could do my shopping, I could drive to,
you know, the town over and do my groceries and fuel and fast food and whatever the hell
I wanted to do. So I was at a point where I needed to push forward. Like it was a big
step. There wasn't really a baby step for me to go after that, it felt, you know, because
obviously baby steps are very important. But I couldn't take anymore. There wasn't any
really more baby steps to, you know, take. I didn't have a job and I couldn't have gone
to a job interview and said, hey, can I work one day a week? You know, like they're probably
not going to hire me if I said that. But I, if anyway, I'm granting, but I, the next step
was a big one. And I did it. I did that big step. And then I did a few big steps after
that. And then I progressed to a point where I hadn't been before a point of actual happiness.
I was happy pretty much 90% of the time. I didn't have panic attacks anymore. I was normal
basically like I live normally. Shouldn't say normal. But yeah, I was living relatively
normally. Like there was no real issues for quite a while there. But during that phase
of like having to do those big steps, I sort of got into this mindset where I had to push
because it wasn't easy. Like it took a long time to do these big steps because they were
big steps. And I had to do some, you know, baby steps in between the big steps when I
could. But it was mostly big, bigger steps, what I would call bigger steps anyways. And
I had this mindset on me that I developed that I had to push and just push and push
and push, you know, and no matter how hard it got, I had to push further and it worked
for a while. It was sort of what I needed was to be sort of, you know, pushing a little
harder. But I took that way too far. I would force myself into things. I would force myself
into situations that would make me panic and freak out. And that would make me feel awful.
And if I didn't do those things, I would also let myself know I would definitely not be
nice about it to myself. I would, I would, I would internally destroy myself for not
being able to achieve something that I achieved the day before or that I had set myself a really
like a high standard for. And that mindset never really ended. I've had that ever since
and this was two years ago. But things also obviously for me at least haven't been as hard
as they are at the moment. And I've had to learn how to be more gentle with myself, how
to be kinder, how to have better self talk, how to trust the process that I'm going through
because I know I'm doing the right things, but there's no time limit and I can't make
it go can't make it be better now. But from day dot, it's all I've been doing for the
last like three, four months is pushing and pushing and pushing. And I've been forcing
myself into situations that make me feel anxious, like really anxious. And I took some time
off work about a month or a couple weeks ago, about a month ago, I'd say. And it's been
good not having to worry about work. I'm in a situation where I don't have to worry so
much about the financial part of it. So like, which is good for now, it's not a forever
thing, but it's a for now thing. So it made it easier. You know, there's not so much stress
on me for that right now. But I went to go back to my first shift the other day just
on four days ago from recording this, and I'll post this is the same day I'm recording
it. So yeah, about three days, four days, my first shift. And I got up in the morning,
and I was feeling a little anxious about the night before as well. But I when I got up
in the morning, I was feeling just not good. Not anxious, particularly, particularly whatever
the fuck that I don't know how to pronounce that it's like, I wasn't too anxious. I wasn't
I was just, I guess I was just uncomfortable. There's something in me that was telling me
like this isn't going to be a good day. But I pushed it aside, I got ready. Not so willingly,
but I did I got in the car and I drove about basically got to my work, which is about half
an hour away. And like the entire time I was driving as well, I was just thinking I can't
do I don't think I can do this. But I kept having thoughts of like, what's going to be
the benefit of this? If I've already feel this way. I've already set myself up for this.
And I know that there's a part of me that can do this. Like I knew it and beside myself
that I was going to be able to do it if I really wanted to. But I didn't like I the
first time I sort of, I felt my body and how it felt. And I took, you know, like I took
it into consideration, I paid attention to what it actually felt like. And I thought
to myself, I'm fucking tired. I don't want to do this. I'm not even anxious. I just straight
up don't want to do this. I was definitely a little anxious. But something told me that
regardless if I made it through that shift or not, it wasn't going to benefit me. And
I might be wrong. I don't know that. But I know myself well enough to know that I trust
I needed to trust that. And I thought to myself, Hey, you're forcing yourself into this and
you're not really that ready for it. You can probably do it, but you're going to be
wrecked for the rest of the week. You're going to be exhausted. You're not going to be able
to pay proper attention to your partner. You're not going to be able to do anything. You're
not going to be able to, you know, you're going to be super anxious when you get home.
All the anxiety is going to come out when you get home. You know, because you're going
to get it from this regardless. And I just knew it wasn't a good idea. So I turned around.
I made it for the first time in my life, I made a decision to not force myself into
doing something for the benefit of my anxiety or for what I thought would be a benefit.
And I don't think I've felt such a weight lift off my shoulders, even if it was only
for the day. There was such a relief in that because I chose to do something for myself
because I've been getting hounded by everyone around me that I need to take a break, that
I need to relax, that I just need to let it go and let things go at their own pace because
I'm doing what I can and it'll work. But it'll work when it works. I can't make it work right
now. I know some of you feel that too. I know a lot of people force themselves into things.
They push and push and they never relax and they wonder why they're not getting any better.
That's me. At least that's what I'm trying to unlearn right now, is that behaviour. Because
from the research I've done, or like an end from my own experience, I can tell you now
that it doesn't necessarily help your anxiety when you force yourself into doing something
because just because you did it doesn't mean you did a good thing for yourself, I guess.
As weird as that probably sounds. Because I had the mindset from when this started that
all I knew, all I remembered from my past was I needed to push. I didn't remember the
time I was gentle with myself, which I was. I was very gentle for a time there before
I started this pushing stuff like a few years ago. So the only part I remember was the pushing.
So as soon as I noticed things were getting off, I pushed really hard. And that started
four months ago and I haven't stopped until then, until that day. And I've sort of put
that into like that's at the forefront of my mind. That's the main thing I'm focusing
on is I'm not going to force myself to do something that I really don't want to do.
I will know when the time is right to push myself to do so. I will know when I need an
extra push, when I need to do something. But I also know the difference between doing
that and forcing myself into something. And I know if it's going to benefit me or not,
because I've been here too. I've been in these situations too many times. I know these things.
We all are capable of knowing that we all do know this. We know ourselves way better
than we think. But I feel like we don't take the time to listen to ourselves. Dude, like
I, that when I, for example, like, this is probably like a little bit of a rant on enough
as it's boring or not, but I'm going to post it anyways. That day that I, I decided to
do that for myself. Just a couple of days ago, like I did every single thing that day
that I wanted to do without a feeling of anxiety. And I'm not saying it's a magic cure either.
But for the rest of the day, I felt free. I went on a date with my, with my partner and
we hadn't been on one in ages because of me. I ate food at a restaurant I've never eaten
before. We went to op shops and I was touching things little weird kids would touch and with
their dirty fucking hands, whatever, you know, like I was, I was, I was free for like 12
hours. It felt like because of how heavy that forcing myself to do things was weighing
on me. And like, I'm not going to lie. As I said, it's not a fix. It's not a solution
to all my problems. It's not going to make everything better right now. But I can tell
that I'm letting a wall down for myself. I've sort of locked myself in a part of this progression
in this healing process with the forcing myself. I was at a point where I wasn't necessarily
getting worse, but I definitely wasn't getting any better. But at the moment, I'm sort of
just letting things flow as they want. And just healing in general, isn't about pushing
yourself really hard, exposing yourself to everything. It's about giving yourself the
space to process and deal with these things. If you ever do it, you're risking burning
yourself out, making setbacks for your really bad, really like way worse. And I definitely
experienced that. Like I like every time I couldn't do something like lately has just
been, is I've been dreading the most traumatizing. I just I don't forget it. It ruins my whole
day. It ruins everything about the next day as well. I do not let go. It's a part of me
finally learned that I need to a little bit. And I don't think this is all just for me.
Like I'm not I probably sounds like I'm just ranting about myself. But I think a lot of
us can learn something from that. From letting go a little bit, from being kinder to ourselves,
from not forcing ourselves into things so much. You know, we all know a little bit of
exposure is good. But what about too much? Now whenever talks about too much exposure?
Well, at least I don't hear that. I don't see people talking about that. We've all done
it. We've all we've all over been overconfident with ourselves and try to push it, which is
good. It's good to feel confident. It's good to feel like you can do something in the moment
too. A lot of us get carried away sometimes like we might be with friends drinking. And
we don't drink much. We're a metaphobic we'll have like two and be good. At least that's
for me is if that's how it goes. But sometimes we can get carried away. And it's good exposure
for a little bit until you realize what's happened. Or you could eat something that you
thought was really good. And then you start getting really worried about it. You read
some reviews, you heard a story from a friend, some idiot told you they got through poisoning
from it and just wrecked your whole night. I don't know. Whatever it could be for you.
But it's good to feel that way like we can do things. But we do sometimes get carried
away with those things. And it could be a good or bad, you know, positive or a negative.
The thing that happened for me was a massive negative. Like all of it for months has been
a negative. I have not been progressing. I've not been making myself better. I have not been
learning anything besides that I need to fear these things more because of how scary they
feel because of how hard I just push myself into them instead of letting myself go at
a less dangerous pace, I guess, less intense pace. I know I've rambled a lot. It's sort
of weighed on my mind a little bit. And I sort of see it every day because I'm in a
few groups throughout the socials about a metaphobe. And I do see a lot of people talking
about when they've been somewhere and then they have a panic attack and then, you know,
they force themselves to do something. Like they're really bad about going somewhere and
they did it anyway. Sometimes you have to trust that feeling inside of you that says
it's not today. Today is not the day for this. And I get it's hard to decide that because
I mean, most of us feel that every day or most days or a couple of times a week. We
don't really sometimes know the difference. But I guess what I'm saying is that if you
can, you should try to listen to your body a little bit or a little more. It's not always
lying. You know, for the first time I trusted myself and it ended up being a really good
decision. And maybe next time it might backfire. It can't always go right. And it's not always
going to make you feel really good, right? Sometimes it's going to make you feel a little
disappointed that you couldn't do that thing. I for sure wasn't. I was happy. I was so happy.
But I'm sure that if that happened another day, you know, where I was feeling a little
different about it, but I still decided to listen to myself, I would have felt shitty.
I would have been like, damn, I wish I went to work, but I know this is good for me.
Slowing everything down a little bit sucks because I want myself to be out of this as
fast as possible. And we all want that for ourselves. We all want to be so far out of
this phobia and out of the states we're in with it. But we can't force that. We don't
necessarily have control over how quick this process happens. We have control over what
we do. We can spend the time we are like we have in this as, you know, doing things that
benefit us. And we're going to make mistakes along the way. We're going to fuck up. We're
going to eat something we didn't necessarily know we shouldn't have eaten or decide that
we shouldn't have eaten after we're already ate it or we're going to drink too much. We're
going to do this, go there, do whatever we're going to do hundreds of things wrong. We're
going to have panic attacks. We're going to have shit days. We're going to have days
we're going to give up. But we're not going to. Okay. I promise you, if you're in a position
where you feel like you're not getting any better, please try slowing down a little bit.
Don't force yourself to do so much. Take it back just a little bit. It'll give you a little
more time to think and that will be a good thing when you can, you know, it clears your
head a little bit at least for me. It was a bit scary because I've let go of a few other
things and it's freed up a little bit of time. For now, it's going to free up a little bit
of time. These are things I do want to piss you still, but for now I decided I needed
to, they're just not that important right now. And it's given me more time, but I have
that time to spend on other things, things for me. I've gotten into guided meditation.
I don't know what everyone's opinions are on that, but I seem I like it so, so far. I
don't mind it. I like going outside and being mindful, you know, just spending more time
doing the things that I want to do that don't cause me anxiety so I can sort of save up
my energy to push myself a little further tomorrow to do something just a little bit.
I'm not forcing anything just a little bit, but I just want sort of everyone to know that
it's okay if you need to take a break or if you don't want to, you can't go to work today
or you can't go to that fucking wedding or something. I don't know. It's not the end
of the world. It might feel like shit if you can't do that thing. But if you, if you have
to force yourself to do that thing, you're probably going to end up having the biggest
panic attack. Most of the time, I think anyway, sometimes you can get through it and it be
okay. I'm not, I don't know your situation. I just know my own. I just know what's happened
with that. And I can just say that most times I've like absolutely forced myself like just
to the limit of forcing myself is what I'm talking about. Like it has ended badly. Like
I have literally just pushed myself into a panic attack and I can't mindfulness my way
out of that one, you know, like I need to leave sort of thing. So I just, yeah, I just
want, as I said, I want people to sort of maybe chill a little bit. If you're in a position
where you feel like you're not getting anywhere, take a step back, you're not taking us, you
know, you're not taking an L here. It's not a setback. You're not giving up. You're not
losing to anything. All you're going to be doing is trying, but in a different way.
It might be a better way. It might be exactly what you need. It's just an option though.
As per usual, I'm not giving any proper professional advice. I have no idea, but I'm just talking
from my own experiences. And I hope that despite how much I've rambled in this, I hope someone
finds some value in it. It means a lot to me that I've sort of had this realization for
myself. And I've tried to do the most research I can in like, you know, the short days until
I decided I can't wait anymore. And I want to record this and I want to get this out
there. So this might be common knowledge, but for me it wasn't. I hope you're having
a good day. See you later.