Hello everyone, welcome back to the Metaphobia Insights podcast. Quick thing
I wanted to go over today. So I, this is an Metaphobia podcast, like it's based
around that right, so I haven't really been considerate of any triggers or
trigger warnings or like censoring myself or maybe just giving a warning
before I speak about something because I'm at the point where words and stuff
don't bother me. They never really have but I'm not gonna pretend like that's
the same for everyone because I know it's not and I should be a little more
considerate before I discuss certain topics. So if you would like certain
trigger warnings for words or stories let me know you can, I can think is like
this, I think there is a comment system on Spotify, if not leave a review and let
me know or hit me up or I probably will just end up doing that from now on and
just giving a trigger warning before I speak about something that may you know
be a certain trigger for somebody. So apologies for that and I will try to do
better in the future, thanks. So something I wanted to talk about today was something
I hold pretty close to me. Since I was about 15, I'm 24 now, so it's been about
nine years, I've always been pretty conscious, pretty self-conscious about my
weight, my appearance because like I'm a pretty average height person you know
nothing special in the height department and I was always very skinny, even as a
little kid, even a teenager, I was always just really thin, I felt like I ate
enough food but I just I guess it was a genetic thing at that point. I never
really put on weight like well now looking back I can tell I wasn't eating
enough but you know during that I thought it was just something wrong with
me, I was like how the hell, so I figured because I couldn't put on weight I would
lift weights. So I bought my first pair of dumbbells, I still have them, I still
use them today, they're just like shitty Kmart ones with sand in them that like
break when you drop them, they have like chips in them and like they're so dusty
and like barely holding on but they have served me so well so I have sort of an
attachment towards them. And this was during a time where my metaphobia was
pretty relevant but I didn't know what a metaphobia was, I hadn't done any
research, I just had weird panic attacks when I went to school so I stopped going
to school, came back home and basically just stayed in my room for like a year
straight and didn't leave. Didn't know why but I thought it was pretty cool
because I was like well I feel safe here so this must be what I'm supposed to do.
Obviously now I know that's not the right thing but I can't go back in time.
So I started lifting weights just because I was so you know self-conscious
of what the way I looked and because I just wanted to you know be better, I
wanted to put on muscle, I wanted to just be a bit of me in that aspect so I did
and I did actually manage to put on a decent physique for a 15 year old and it
sort of pulled me out of the state I was in without realizing because I was more
conscious of what I was eating as well so I was like I know I need protein I
didn't know nothing about nutrition, I didn't know fats, carbs, I just knew
protein so I was like fuck I'm gonna eat protein so I just ate a lot and I didn't
put on like a super massive amount of weight but I did put on a couple kilos
and it was it was good it felt really good and it took a while it took a year
for me to really notice any change like a proper change but in that year like I
realized that my mental health sort of climbed to a point where it hadn't been
before. I was more confident, I was way less anxious, I had like an outlet to do
that which was the exercise it felt like it released my anxiety that I didn't
really know I had mind you because I was just doing this because I wanted to not
because I thought it would benefit me mentally I just thought like I want big
muscles so but it did a lot for me and I eventually stopped I slowed down
because I had to get a job I had to sort of like start sort of my life out so it
took a backseat I started being at more outgoing so I still made more friends I
got myself a girlfriend but my point being is the exercise and the eating did
a lot for me without me even realizing and it sort of brings me to a point
where I was about last April. I'm still going through it I was sort of okay but
not I was at the point where I was working most days and I felt not much
anxiety but it was still there it was still there like once a week I would
have a moment where I was like oh fuck maybe even a couple times a week and I
still really wasn't focusing on the gym or the eating much at that point I was
still going to the gym but I was like yeah it's like whatever but I sort of
decided to take it seriously so I was sort of sick of making no progress for me I
seemed to need a lot of calories to just put on weight and like it's I don't know
I guess it's just it's just how I am so I looked into bulking and I'm not saying
that anyone here has to do that like that's not my point I'll get into my
actual point soon and I'm sort of rambling but I looked into that and I
thought that's fucking insane how am I supposed to eat like 3,000 plus calories
a day to get to a point you know where and then do a cut like what if I can't
cut the weight like I worried about not being able to cut the weight like I'm
I'm excellent at cutting weight I just have to go through like an anxious
period you know and I've cut weight but like I was worried about a lot of things
I was worried about how I was gonna feel if I ate that much food I was worried
about what am I gonna eat like as I'm intolerant to so many things because my
metaphobia tells me I am so I just have the reactions even though I don't even
think it's real you know like I'm lactose intolerant but am I actually like
I haven't been diagnosed I just drink milk and then it just goes wrong so like
whatever you know I'm sure a lot of people can relate to that sort of thing
but I was struggling with what to eat and what to do because I started taking
the gym more seriously at that point like when I started researching this sort
of thing I was like I want to be huge like I want to be massive you know is
my only focus and again I wasn't really thinking of the positive side effects
but as I progressed through my training and the bulk I noticed a lot of physical
changes as well as mental changes like it felt like weirdly enough for the
first time in my life because I was tracking my calories I learned about my
carbs my fats vitamins that I need like resting all of that stuff like I really
took a lot of time to sort of do my research and I found that like over the
months my anxiety reduced to barely anything I didn't feel sick anymore even
though I was eating more than I'd ever had before and I wasn't always eating
great I'm not gonna lie you know there was there was days where I was eating
just shit food just fast food just things that weren't great but like mixed
between that there was a there was good food healthy food you know your healthy
fats and like your proteins and just meat vegetables fruit whatever but yeah
there was there was some junk food and now I'm not gonna lie about that I'm not
gonna pretend like I didn't do that because I did but um I just noticed that
my anxiety was just like basically gone like there was no nausea anymore like I
didn't get bloated really and even if I did I barely reacted to it not because
that it wasn't the same as what it felt like beforehand but because my anxiety
was so reduced that I just didn't really care anymore and this took a little bit
but it was a change that I didn't notice happen like directly I didn't think
about this being a possibility I was just like I want it bad enough so I'm
gonna deal with the side effects of you know having a metaphobia and trying to
gain weight and muscle in a like a really optimal way you know because you
don't have to bulk to gain muscle and you don't have to train super duper hard
every time you go to like build a bunch of muscle you know you can build you
know decent physique with like like you know decent calories and proteins every
day and like a good you know work ethic with training but I wanted to go super
hard so that's basically what I did for about six months straight I gained about
seven kilos I think definitely not all muscle obviously but I reckon I put on
like a decent amount like I looked better than I ever did before in my life
I was happier than ever I made new friends like my social sort of side of
me was actually coming out again and I was able to talk to people and like I
felt very like like I had a lot of people there was like really interested
in talking to me and like really sort of like my vibe and I like I really
appreciate that it gave me a confidence level that I hadn't but like I hadn't
really had before and I think all of those things play into how I personally
felt with my metaphobia because I do lack a lot of confidence and I know a
lot of us do it's a very relevant like I can notice it a lot and like I see it a
lot and people are pretty open about saying that too and we often don't eat
enough food either and I know it's something that is like it's like that one
of the hardest things to do with the metaphobia is eat enough or eat it all
I know sometimes that I can barely eat some days and I just give those days a
pass like I can't force myself to do those things anymore like I used to but
I noticed that it was sort of making me feel worse like not just like making me
feel sick but like making me feel actually mentally worse so I don't force
myself I do push and I do try but I will never force myself you know like if you
with anything like I will not force myself to do that I will try like to the
best of my abilities but I will not like make myself do anything but it works for
me you know sometimes I guess like there might be situations we do have to force
yourself I don't I don't really know for me that's not something I do I feel like
a lot of us don't get enough nutrition to properly function you know whether
that's something you can change like easily or not is another thing probably
not it's probably going to be very hard but over time just bumping my calories
up because I didn't just jump straight into the 3000 plus calories like I sort
of put it up to a degree where I thought was comfortable for me and I just
improved like I bumped it up every couple of weeks or so and get to the
point where I wanted to be and then it became easier second nature for me like
even going through a hard patch I will still log my calories like I will log
everything I eat I will log the mince that I eat when I have a bad day like
it's it's almost an obsession it's probably not a great one but like I'm
not really doing it for bad reasons I suppose so it just makes me want to try
harder if I if I'm lacking in the calories it makes me want to try even
harder to sort of hit that goal so I guess it's a good thing for me but yeah
I felt like my brain was just getting enough food like enough nutrition I felt
like my anxiety was calming down because my brain was functioning properly like
I was more aware I had so much more energy I didn't have those weird like
I've seen people post things like this in the in the like support groups like
they get those weird like almost like diabetic feeling like blood sugar drops
or blood pressure or something I don't know what it is but I've had it before
where you sort of just get dizzy and like feel faint out of nowhere and like
you just like need sugar like food like carbs you just need carbs like really
badly I imagine that's probably what I'm probably so wrong but I imagine that's
what like having like low blood sugar feels like if you like diabetic or
something someone correct me if you know please because I want to get that right
but I had that happen weekly and it sucked and I would eat like a bunch of
like whatever I could that had carbs in it and I'd have to wait like half an hour
to start feeling better and get my energy back and I know a lot of other
people have had that too like from what I've seen at least and that didn't
happen anymore I didn't remember the last time that even happened like I
barely got acid reflux too like I don't know how because I was eating some shit
food sometimes but I barely got it like I really didn't get bloated like I just
didn't really see any negatives in what I was doing like changing physically was
great but like just mentally like I'd never have thought clear in my life than
that point and I'm not saying or suggesting that you should go out and do
a bulk and eat three thousand plus calories a day and start going to the
gym and lifting heavy ass weights what I am saying is that it would be worth a
try to bump up your calories maybe a little more of things that you can
tolerate even if it's just a hundred extra calories a day even if it's just a
little bit more protein I think if you do that for long enough it'll sort of
feed your brain a little better at least that's what it felt like for me
obviously I do not know this for certain I'm just talking from my own experience
but it just feels like like being like well-fed and like properly like having
proper nutrition or at least enough like it just feels like you can function so
much better and like it just leveled me out so well and I just want I want
everyone else to feel like that you know obviously I'm not doing so well with
that at the moment I've been open about that as I say pretty much every episode
but I am getting back on track you know I'm back on my creatine I'm back with my
vitamins I'm back with my arm mostly back with my calories I'm about 2,800 at
this point that's it feels like a lot still but I manage it most days so I'll
give my day like I give myself a break once a week where I can just eat a
little or as much as I want I don't care if it hurts my progress I don't care if
people would tell me that's not how you do a bulk because that's what I'm doing
I'm gonna take a break when I fucking need one and I don't give a shit what
anyone says so if you need to do that if you decide that you want to do that
that's what I would suggest having you know a day a week or two where you can
decide what day you want to just be like no fuck it I don't want to do this today
I'm just gonna enjoy today without having to worry about my calories I think
that's a okay you know and everyone knows exercise is good for you like
physically and mentally it's not a solution it's not a fix it doesn't erase
anxiety depression or anything like that but it does definitely help from my own
experience I can speak it's one of the only things that has genuinely always
been a consistent help for me it's harder to go back to lifting weights in
your room compared to going to a gym full of people and all the equipment you
could ever dream of using it is a little sad to think that I was there and now
I'm here if you go back to that sort of position like I have but any exercise is
better than no exercise I don't care if you go for a walk or you take your dog
for a run or you do yoga or you know you do bodyweight it doesn't matter what
type of exercise but dedicating some time every day to do some exercise
whether you want to build muscle lose weight do both gain weight whatever the
fuck you want to do I think incorporating any type of exercise and
dumbbells are cheap you can buy like one of those little briefcase looking
things with like weight plates and like the plastic like bars and like you can
buy that for like 20 bucks and you will have enough weights to last you the year
because I don't know I wasn't strong enough to lift them I mean maybe you are
maybe you're like super strong but I wasn't and they still are pretty heavy
to me today but there's enough in there and you can do basically anything with
dumbbells if your goal is to gain muscle you can do pretty much every exercise
you can work out basically every muscle group with just a pair of dumbbells it's
a pain in the ass it's not as efficient as it would be at a gym but even if you
are feeling ballsy enough sign up for a gym you know get a gym membership go at
night time if you have a friend that goes to a gym try going with them just
check it out you know watch them do what they need to do have a walk on the
treadmill just have a look around you don't have to go there and do anything
straight away you can go ten times and not touch the weights or any exercise
equipment you can just scope the area out get familiar with it get comfortable
you know see how long you can stand in there without freaking out it took me a
while I didn't work out the first time I stepped foot in gym I just looked
around like I just touched random equipment and I was like what the hell
is this it's terrifying but if you can fit it into your schedule going at
night time really works well because there is way less people so you don't
have to worry about being judged even though no one there actually cares you
know no one is there to judge you or look at you they are there to do their
own thing and just get out you know everyone is there for the same purpose
and no one ever walks into the gym looking or feeling how they want to like
ever I know I didn't you know I walked into the gym a scrawny little dude with
like no muscle and like no clue what I was doing and I did that for a while I
eventually learned and there's some great videos out there some great people
on YouTube that make tutorials how to use the equipment there's tons of
different things you can do you can basically do anything you like any
variation of anything it's just so much out there's so much information and you
can definitely overload yourself with it and sort of make it scary but sticking
to the basic sticking to the basics is a good idea and just getting a feel for it
you know if you feel like you can hand like you can handle that or if you feel
like you're ready to take another step I would definitely suggest maybe signing
up for a gym and trying to put a little bit of muscle on or something it'll make
you feel tons better it'll make you feel so much better like I will almost
promise that I was like 99% sure it'll make you feel better and it's a really
good habit to get into it's a very healthy coping mechanism obviously it
can be dangerous so don't overdo it but it can be very healthy in moderation as
anything can be or not anything but most things I suppose but yeah I'm sort of
just like a laid-back more laid-back sort of dump episode where I just sort of
dump my information and you know most of my own stories but I hope you find some
value in this definitely check out some exercises you could do definitely try to
eat a little bit more I know we're all liking in the nutrition department so
definitely try if you can I know it'll be hard it'll be very hard but you got
this you're strong enough you've made it through so much already you can you can
handle it and you will benefit from these things so please give these things
a try or make your own sort of thing and I just know that it worked really well
for me so I hope it can help somebody else you know just try not to overwhelm
yourself too much but yeah that'll do it for this one thank you guys I'll see you
next time