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Hello everyone, welcome back to the Metaphobia Insights podcast. Quick thing

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I wanted to go over today. So I, this is an Metaphobia podcast, like it's based

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around that right, so I haven't really been considerate of any triggers or

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trigger warnings or like censoring myself or maybe just giving a warning

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before I speak about something because I'm at the point where words and stuff

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don't bother me. They never really have but I'm not gonna pretend like that's

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the same for everyone because I know it's not and I should be a little more

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considerate before I discuss certain topics. So if you would like certain

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trigger warnings for words or stories let me know you can, I can think is like

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this, I think there is a comment system on Spotify, if not leave a review and let

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me know or hit me up or I probably will just end up doing that from now on and

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just giving a trigger warning before I speak about something that may you know

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be a certain trigger for somebody. So apologies for that and I will try to do

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better in the future, thanks. So something I wanted to talk about today was something

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I hold pretty close to me. Since I was about 15, I'm 24 now, so it's been about

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nine years, I've always been pretty conscious, pretty self-conscious about my

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weight, my appearance because like I'm a pretty average height person you know

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nothing special in the height department and I was always very skinny, even as a

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little kid, even a teenager, I was always just really thin, I felt like I ate

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enough food but I just I guess it was a genetic thing at that point. I never

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really put on weight like well now looking back I can tell I wasn't eating

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enough but you know during that I thought it was just something wrong with

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me, I was like how the hell, so I figured because I couldn't put on weight I would

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lift weights. So I bought my first pair of dumbbells, I still have them, I still

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use them today, they're just like shitty Kmart ones with sand in them that like

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break when you drop them, they have like chips in them and like they're so dusty

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and like barely holding on but they have served me so well so I have sort of an

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attachment towards them. And this was during a time where my metaphobia was

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pretty relevant but I didn't know what a metaphobia was, I hadn't done any

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research, I just had weird panic attacks when I went to school so I stopped going

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to school, came back home and basically just stayed in my room for like a year

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straight and didn't leave. Didn't know why but I thought it was pretty cool

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because I was like well I feel safe here so this must be what I'm supposed to do.

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Obviously now I know that's not the right thing but I can't go back in time.

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So I started lifting weights just because I was so you know self-conscious

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of what the way I looked and because I just wanted to you know be better, I

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wanted to put on muscle, I wanted to just be a bit of me in that aspect so I did

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and I did actually manage to put on a decent physique for a 15 year old and it

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sort of pulled me out of the state I was in without realizing because I was more

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conscious of what I was eating as well so I was like I know I need protein I

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didn't know nothing about nutrition, I didn't know fats, carbs, I just knew

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protein so I was like fuck I'm gonna eat protein so I just ate a lot and I didn't

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put on like a super massive amount of weight but I did put on a couple kilos

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and it was it was good it felt really good and it took a while it took a year

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for me to really notice any change like a proper change but in that year like I

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realized that my mental health sort of climbed to a point where it hadn't been

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before. I was more confident, I was way less anxious, I had like an outlet to do

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that which was the exercise it felt like it released my anxiety that I didn't

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really know I had mind you because I was just doing this because I wanted to not

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because I thought it would benefit me mentally I just thought like I want big

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muscles so but it did a lot for me and I eventually stopped I slowed down

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because I had to get a job I had to sort of like start sort of my life out so it

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took a backseat I started being at more outgoing so I still made more friends I

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got myself a girlfriend but my point being is the exercise and the eating did

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a lot for me without me even realizing and it sort of brings me to a point

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where I was about last April. I'm still going through it I was sort of okay but

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not I was at the point where I was working most days and I felt not much

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anxiety but it was still there it was still there like once a week I would

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have a moment where I was like oh fuck maybe even a couple times a week and I

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still really wasn't focusing on the gym or the eating much at that point I was

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still going to the gym but I was like yeah it's like whatever but I sort of

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decided to take it seriously so I was sort of sick of making no progress for me I

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seemed to need a lot of calories to just put on weight and like it's I don't know

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I guess it's just it's just how I am so I looked into bulking and I'm not saying

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that anyone here has to do that like that's not my point I'll get into my

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actual point soon and I'm sort of rambling but I looked into that and I

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thought that's fucking insane how am I supposed to eat like 3,000 plus calories

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a day to get to a point you know where and then do a cut like what if I can't

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cut the weight like I worried about not being able to cut the weight like I'm

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I'm excellent at cutting weight I just have to go through like an anxious

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period you know and I've cut weight but like I was worried about a lot of things

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I was worried about how I was gonna feel if I ate that much food I was worried

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about what am I gonna eat like as I'm intolerant to so many things because my

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metaphobia tells me I am so I just have the reactions even though I don't even

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think it's real you know like I'm lactose intolerant but am I actually like

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I haven't been diagnosed I just drink milk and then it just goes wrong so like

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whatever you know I'm sure a lot of people can relate to that sort of thing

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but I was struggling with what to eat and what to do because I started taking

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the gym more seriously at that point like when I started researching this sort

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of thing I was like I want to be huge like I want to be massive you know is

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my only focus and again I wasn't really thinking of the positive side effects

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but as I progressed through my training and the bulk I noticed a lot of physical

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changes as well as mental changes like it felt like weirdly enough for the

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first time in my life because I was tracking my calories I learned about my

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carbs my fats vitamins that I need like resting all of that stuff like I really

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took a lot of time to sort of do my research and I found that like over the

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months my anxiety reduced to barely anything I didn't feel sick anymore even

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though I was eating more than I'd ever had before and I wasn't always eating

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great I'm not gonna lie you know there was there was days where I was eating

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just shit food just fast food just things that weren't great but like mixed

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between that there was a there was good food healthy food you know your healthy

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fats and like your proteins and just meat vegetables fruit whatever but yeah

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there was there was some junk food and now I'm not gonna lie about that I'm not

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gonna pretend like I didn't do that because I did but um I just noticed that

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my anxiety was just like basically gone like there was no nausea anymore like I

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didn't get bloated really and even if I did I barely reacted to it not because

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that it wasn't the same as what it felt like beforehand but because my anxiety

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was so reduced that I just didn't really care anymore and this took a little bit

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but it was a change that I didn't notice happen like directly I didn't think

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about this being a possibility I was just like I want it bad enough so I'm

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gonna deal with the side effects of you know having a metaphobia and trying to

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gain weight and muscle in a like a really optimal way you know because you

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don't have to bulk to gain muscle and you don't have to train super duper hard

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every time you go to like build a bunch of muscle you know you can build you

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know decent physique with like like you know decent calories and proteins every

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day and like a good you know work ethic with training but I wanted to go super

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hard so that's basically what I did for about six months straight I gained about

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seven kilos I think definitely not all muscle obviously but I reckon I put on

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like a decent amount like I looked better than I ever did before in my life

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I was happier than ever I made new friends like my social sort of side of

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me was actually coming out again and I was able to talk to people and like I

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felt very like like I had a lot of people there was like really interested

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in talking to me and like really sort of like my vibe and I like I really

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appreciate that it gave me a confidence level that I hadn't but like I hadn't

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really had before and I think all of those things play into how I personally

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felt with my metaphobia because I do lack a lot of confidence and I know a

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lot of us do it's a very relevant like I can notice it a lot and like I see it a

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lot and people are pretty open about saying that too and we often don't eat

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enough food either and I know it's something that is like it's like that one

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of the hardest things to do with the metaphobia is eat enough or eat it all

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I know sometimes that I can barely eat some days and I just give those days a

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pass like I can't force myself to do those things anymore like I used to but

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I noticed that it was sort of making me feel worse like not just like making me

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feel sick but like making me feel actually mentally worse so I don't force

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myself I do push and I do try but I will never force myself you know like if you

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with anything like I will not force myself to do that I will try like to the

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best of my abilities but I will not like make myself do anything but it works for

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me you know sometimes I guess like there might be situations we do have to force

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yourself I don't I don't really know for me that's not something I do I feel like

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a lot of us don't get enough nutrition to properly function you know whether

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that's something you can change like easily or not is another thing probably

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not it's probably going to be very hard but over time just bumping my calories

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up because I didn't just jump straight into the 3000 plus calories like I sort

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of put it up to a degree where I thought was comfortable for me and I just

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improved like I bumped it up every couple of weeks or so and get to the

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point where I wanted to be and then it became easier second nature for me like

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even going through a hard patch I will still log my calories like I will log

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everything I eat I will log the mince that I eat when I have a bad day like

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it's it's almost an obsession it's probably not a great one but like I'm

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not really doing it for bad reasons I suppose so it just makes me want to try

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harder if I if I'm lacking in the calories it makes me want to try even

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harder to sort of hit that goal so I guess it's a good thing for me but yeah

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I felt like my brain was just getting enough food like enough nutrition I felt

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like my anxiety was calming down because my brain was functioning properly like

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I was more aware I had so much more energy I didn't have those weird like

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I've seen people post things like this in the in the like support groups like

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they get those weird like almost like diabetic feeling like blood sugar drops

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or blood pressure or something I don't know what it is but I've had it before

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where you sort of just get dizzy and like feel faint out of nowhere and like

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you just like need sugar like food like carbs you just need carbs like really

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badly I imagine that's probably what I'm probably so wrong but I imagine that's

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what like having like low blood sugar feels like if you like diabetic or

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something someone correct me if you know please because I want to get that right

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but I had that happen weekly and it sucked and I would eat like a bunch of

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like whatever I could that had carbs in it and I'd have to wait like half an hour

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to start feeling better and get my energy back and I know a lot of other

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people have had that too like from what I've seen at least and that didn't

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happen anymore I didn't remember the last time that even happened like I

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barely got acid reflux too like I don't know how because I was eating some shit

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food sometimes but I barely got it like I really didn't get bloated like I just

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didn't really see any negatives in what I was doing like changing physically was

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great but like just mentally like I'd never have thought clear in my life than

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that point and I'm not saying or suggesting that you should go out and do

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a bulk and eat three thousand plus calories a day and start going to the

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gym and lifting heavy ass weights what I am saying is that it would be worth a

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try to bump up your calories maybe a little more of things that you can

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tolerate even if it's just a hundred extra calories a day even if it's just a

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little bit more protein I think if you do that for long enough it'll sort of

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feed your brain a little better at least that's what it felt like for me

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obviously I do not know this for certain I'm just talking from my own experience

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but it just feels like like being like well-fed and like properly like having

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proper nutrition or at least enough like it just feels like you can function so

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much better and like it just leveled me out so well and I just want I want

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everyone else to feel like that you know obviously I'm not doing so well with

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that at the moment I've been open about that as I say pretty much every episode

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but I am getting back on track you know I'm back on my creatine I'm back with my

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vitamins I'm back with my arm mostly back with my calories I'm about 2,800 at

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this point that's it feels like a lot still but I manage it most days so I'll

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give my day like I give myself a break once a week where I can just eat a

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little or as much as I want I don't care if it hurts my progress I don't care if

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people would tell me that's not how you do a bulk because that's what I'm doing

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I'm gonna take a break when I fucking need one and I don't give a shit what

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anyone says so if you need to do that if you decide that you want to do that

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that's what I would suggest having you know a day a week or two where you can

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decide what day you want to just be like no fuck it I don't want to do this today

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I'm just gonna enjoy today without having to worry about my calories I think

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that's a okay you know and everyone knows exercise is good for you like

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physically and mentally it's not a solution it's not a fix it doesn't erase

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anxiety depression or anything like that but it does definitely help from my own

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experience I can speak it's one of the only things that has genuinely always

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been a consistent help for me it's harder to go back to lifting weights in

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your room compared to going to a gym full of people and all the equipment you

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could ever dream of using it is a little sad to think that I was there and now

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I'm here if you go back to that sort of position like I have but any exercise is

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better than no exercise I don't care if you go for a walk or you take your dog

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for a run or you do yoga or you know you do bodyweight it doesn't matter what

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type of exercise but dedicating some time every day to do some exercise

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whether you want to build muscle lose weight do both gain weight whatever the

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fuck you want to do I think incorporating any type of exercise and

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dumbbells are cheap you can buy like one of those little briefcase looking

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things with like weight plates and like the plastic like bars and like you can

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buy that for like 20 bucks and you will have enough weights to last you the year

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because I don't know I wasn't strong enough to lift them I mean maybe you are

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maybe you're like super strong but I wasn't and they still are pretty heavy

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to me today but there's enough in there and you can do basically anything with

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dumbbells if your goal is to gain muscle you can do pretty much every exercise

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you can work out basically every muscle group with just a pair of dumbbells it's

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a pain in the ass it's not as efficient as it would be at a gym but even if you

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are feeling ballsy enough sign up for a gym you know get a gym membership go at

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night time if you have a friend that goes to a gym try going with them just

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check it out you know watch them do what they need to do have a walk on the

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treadmill just have a look around you don't have to go there and do anything

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straight away you can go ten times and not touch the weights or any exercise

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equipment you can just scope the area out get familiar with it get comfortable

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you know see how long you can stand in there without freaking out it took me a

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while I didn't work out the first time I stepped foot in gym I just looked

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around like I just touched random equipment and I was like what the hell

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is this it's terrifying but if you can fit it into your schedule going at

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night time really works well because there is way less people so you don't

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have to worry about being judged even though no one there actually cares you

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know no one is there to judge you or look at you they are there to do their

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own thing and just get out you know everyone is there for the same purpose

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and no one ever walks into the gym looking or feeling how they want to like

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ever I know I didn't you know I walked into the gym a scrawny little dude with

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like no muscle and like no clue what I was doing and I did that for a while I

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eventually learned and there's some great videos out there some great people

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on YouTube that make tutorials how to use the equipment there's tons of

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different things you can do you can basically do anything you like any

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variation of anything it's just so much out there's so much information and you

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can definitely overload yourself with it and sort of make it scary but sticking

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to the basic sticking to the basics is a good idea and just getting a feel for it

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you know if you feel like you can hand like you can handle that or if you feel

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like you're ready to take another step I would definitely suggest maybe signing

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up for a gym and trying to put a little bit of muscle on or something it'll make

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you feel tons better it'll make you feel so much better like I will almost

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promise that I was like 99% sure it'll make you feel better and it's a really

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good habit to get into it's a very healthy coping mechanism obviously it

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can be dangerous so don't overdo it but it can be very healthy in moderation as

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anything can be or not anything but most things I suppose but yeah I'm sort of

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just like a laid-back more laid-back sort of dump episode where I just sort of

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dump my information and you know most of my own stories but I hope you find some

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value in this definitely check out some exercises you could do definitely try to

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eat a little bit more I know we're all liking in the nutrition department so

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definitely try if you can I know it'll be hard it'll be very hard but you got

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this you're strong enough you've made it through so much already you can you can

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handle it and you will benefit from these things so please give these things

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a try or make your own sort of thing and I just know that it worked really well

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for me so I hope it can help somebody else you know just try not to overwhelm

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yourself too much but yeah that'll do it for this one thank you guys I'll see you

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next time