Hey guys, welcome back to another episode of the podcast.
So same thing as usual, driving, so I can't use my proper microphone at the moment, but this will do.
So today I just wanted to give an update on myself, some progress, some setbacks,
what I've done in those situations and what I plan to do about them in the future.
So, quick backstory, about April last year I sort of entered into the best state I've been with my Metaphobia since it started.
I was working pretty much full time, I was going to the gym six days a week.
I'd started my first bulk, so if you know what a bulk is, you know it's a pretty scary thing for someone with a Metaphobia to do,
let alone just a normal person in general. But I did that and I bulked for about six, seven months.
I was eating about 3,200 calories a day. Obviously you can go higher. I'm a little guy, I don't really need that much,
so that was plenty for me, that was more than enough. And I gained weight for the first time in my life.
I actually felt really good, I felt really content, really sound mentally. I had pretty much no anxiety.
I never really felt sick, even though I was eating so much more food than I was used to.
I was sleeping really well. My life in general was just going really well.
I wasn't necessarily going anywhere career-wise. I'm still working at the same place, just a retail store.
Nothing too fancy. But I was really content.
And the context is why I'm mentioning all this anyways. Up until about November, early November,
I was doing really well. So that was like six, seven months, however long, whatever.
And I sort of started to fall back a little bit into my ways. I noticed a lot of signs early on during that period
that things were going to start getting a little worse. I started depersonalizing a little bit.
I don't know if you know what that means or if you've ever had that happen, but I felt really out of my body.
I'm pretty sure that's the right word. There's another word that's very similar.
But I had that sort of out of body feeling a lot, and it made it really hard to tell anything.
I had a really poor physical sensation of touch. Nothing just felt right. My own body didn't feel right.
Nothing just felt good. So that's sort of what started it. And then it just sort of progressed worse and worse.
I started having panic attacks at work again. Not major ones, but enough for me to actually leave.
And I eventually got to the point where I had a massive panic attack that wasn't even caused by a metaphobia initially.
It was health anxiety related, because I do sort of suffer with that as well.
I convinced myself some shit, and then I started feeling sick as a result of that, because that's just how it goes.
I had one of the biggest panic attacks of my life. This was only last month. And here we are now, basically.
That was sort of my lowest point, I would say. And I'm sort of rebuilding up what I've had since then.
It's gone good. Progress has been steady, but fluctuates. It's not a straight line.
So some days are going to be terrible. Some days are going to be really good. Some days are going to be in between.
And I've had all of those. I write in a journal every day. I also have a part where I list all my wins.
So a win for me can be something as small as I ate even though I really didn't want to.
Or I went to the supermarket even though I was really anxious. I did something that I was scared of, but I still did it.
So I've been keeping track of that. It's also good to look back on. I don't know if you guys have a journal or not,
but you should definitely start writing one, even if it's just a few sentences a day.
It's just really good to look back on. It's nice to see the progress you make.
I notice I write in a lot less when I'm not anxious. So I can always tell when I'm feeling better,
because I'll go back two months ago and say one sentence or six months or whatever.
But yeah, so that's basically what's going on at the moment.
I'm sort of figuring my shit out again, trying to do it in a better way.
Just using the skills that I've learned and trying to build some new ones. So here we are.
So I would say that was a pretty massive setback, that whole entire thing happening, as more of a recent thing.
But I sort of felt like it was inevitable, because I knew that I go through these periods of my life
where my anxiety will get super bad for a couple months at least, and it'll make it nearly impossible to do anything.
Just for a little bit, and then it'll slowly get better and better.
But it'll just be really hard for a while, and then I'll sort of slowly come out of it,
and then I'll be on top of the world for six months, but then it'll happen again, or maybe a year,
and then it'll just happen again. And it's been dual.
I've been in this cycle, this is the third time since I actually realized I had a metaphobia,
like four or five years ago, whatever it is. So I sort of want to stop that.
I want to get out of that cycle. I don't want to be in it anymore.
I know that my coping mechanisms probably aren't the greatest, and by that I mean when I sort of get into a better way,
I don't really use the things that I've learned.
I sort of just brush it all aside and pretend to be like a person that doesn't have anxiety,
but that's just not who I am. And unfortunately for me, I do have anxiety,
and I'm going to have it for probably the rest of my life, but that's okay, because we can manage it.
We can get past anything, and we can figure this shit out.
But I sort of act like I don't have it when I get into these periods of feeling really good,
and I feel like that's where I screw up a little bit, because I forget all my coping skills.
I start getting really lazy with it, and then when anxiety eventually does roll back around,
I'm so unprepared to deal with it that it hits me, and then I get back up, and then it hits me again,
and then it gets you again and again and again until you eventually just sort of fall back.
So I aim to be not dismissive, but disengage, and by that I mean I want to not dismiss the thoughts that I have,
or if I have an anxious, like a little anxiety attack, whatever the hell,
I don't want to dismiss it and be like, oh whatever, I want to disengage from it,
I want to acknowledge that it happened, but then I want to disengage that, and I want to not go any further.
I want to just acknowledge it, give it a couple seconds of thought, and be like,
that happened, and I have to be okay with it, and then that's it.
So that's sort of what I want to do, sort of what I have been doing.
I actually don't really have that many panic attacks anymore.
I've had two in the last three months that I can remember, at least bad ones.
I could probably have little mini ones here and there,
but yeah, so I've had two pretty nasty ones in the last three, four months.
Some wins. All right, let's do some wins. Let's do something positive.
So a win for me, right? So here's an example.
I was really anxious about, so I mentioned I live out of town.
It takes me a while to get to the shops and stuff.
So after that massive panic attack, I was pretty scared to leave the house,
as you can probably imagine.
You know, first massive panic attack like that in a long time just freaked me the hell out.
So I genuinely thought I was going to die.
So I was terrified to leave the house.
Like I really couldn't do much at all.
I really didn't want to leave the bed, let alone the house.
Came around to payday, had to go get groceries, you know, got to feed myself,
got to feed my animals, you know.
So I really had no choice.
I had to drive into the town to get all my groceries.
I also had to go to the chemist.
I had to go to the shop to buy some more incense because I really liked those.
Had to, what else did I do?
Went to somewhere. I don't know.
I went to a lot of places though.
So I basically went from not being able to leave my bed or my house
to the next day I had to go and do my entire, you know,
like a fortnight's worth of grocery shopping just from that.
And I had succeeded. I did it all.
You know, I used all my coping strategies I had.
I used my deep breathing.
I had an air pod in playing something in the background, some just, you know, whatever.
I was acknowledging the way I was feeling, but I wasn't, you know, giving it a million thoughts.
I was just like, you know what, I hear you, but that's it, sort of thing.
You know, whatever.
But I did it. So that's a pretty big win for me.
Yeah, it might not sound like the biggest win for you guys if you think that.
I don't know.
Everyone's idea of massive win or a little win is really, really different.
But little wins make bigger wins.
So it's all about that.
It doesn't matter what.
It doesn't matter if you take one step outside.
If it's more than you did the day before, you're winning.
Also, remember to leave a rating if you feel like it or a review or whatever the hell it is.
I don't really know.
But yeah, if you want to, you want to help support the podcast, that would be really handy.
So yeah, thank you guys.
I'll see you next time.