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Hello everybody, welcome back to the Metaphobia Insights podcast. Today is going to be a short

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episode. Apologies for the microphone too, I'm driving at the moment so I figured I'd

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just make a podcast off the top of my head to keep things rolling. Today I wanted to

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talk about how I started to deal with leaving my house when or once my metaphobia got really

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bad. So I sort of developed agoraphobia to a degree. I don't know if I had full blown

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agoraphobia because I wasn't necessarily always locked in my house. Like there were a lot

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of days where I couldn't really go anywhere. Like most days I would say for like at least

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two, three months, I really couldn't go far at all. Like I could go get the mail and I

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might be able to like, you know, walk around the yard for a little bit. But the longer

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I spent outside the more panic I would sort of feel. And I didn't like that. So my brain

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told me that the best option and the best choice I could make was to stay inside, play

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video games all day, do nothing and just sort of freak out. And honestly, sometimes those

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sort of periods in our life are kind of necessary. Sometimes we do need a, you know, bedrock.

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Sometimes we need to do that for a little bit. Sometimes we need to do that for a couple

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of days, a couple of weeks, maybe even a month or two. It starts to get a little, you know,

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a little worse the longer you do it. But sometimes it is a necessary thing for you to sort of

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rejuvenate the hope and the dedication. You know, it definitely doesn't make you feel

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better, at least from my experience, but it does sort of give me, you know, enough strength

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to sort of push forward a little more. And usually the hardest times that I have and

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that I managed to push through are the times I make the most progress. So basically, the

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what happened is that, yeah, I got to the stage where I couldn't really leave the house.

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Like I had a shop in my little small town. It was about a two minute drive. It's very

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hard to go there. And I also have this, I live on a street where the road's about 500

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meters long. So it's not a very long walk to get to the end of that road. But that's

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where I started. You know, I sort of woke up one day and I sort of was so pissed off

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with myself for letting myself just give up everything, you know. And I decided that day

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I was going to walk to the end of that road. You know, I want to walk to the end of this

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road. I want to make it. I want to do something. And I think I can do this. Really, I didn't

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think I could do it. I had no idea. But I did it anyway. And you know what happened?

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I had a panic attack. And I came straight home. And it sort of defeated me. But for

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some reason, it gave me enough drive to try again, because it shit me so much that I wasn't

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able to walk to the end of the road. I was like, damn, why can't I walk to the end of

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the road? Come on. Like, I've done this. I drive down this road. I've driven down. I

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live here. I've done this every day of my life. What the hell? You know? So I did it

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again the next day. And I had another panic attack. But the panic attack I had the next

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day was not as intense. It was still definitely bad. So I thought to myself, you know what?

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I'll do it again. And then I didn't have a panic attack that time. On this short little

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couple minute walk, mind you, not a very big one. I didn't have a panic attack that third

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day I tried. But then I tried again, I'd had another panic attack. It was sort of a fluctuation

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of things. But each time that I did that walk, each day that I did that, I felt a little

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less scared of the consequences of that. And there shouldn't be consequences of going on

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a walk, obviously. But anxiety tells me different. It tells me it's scary. It tells me I shouldn't

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do that. I need to stay home and be safe and secure and certain of what's going to happen.

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You can't be certain. Not on something like that. You can never be 100% certain. And that's

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why it's scary. And I really was uncertain. I was very uncertain. But I did it anyway,

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you know? As hard as it is to sort of take that first step and do these baby steps, it

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is probably arguably the most important part of all of it is these tiny steps. And each

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time I did this walk, it was a really small step. I can't even exaggerate how small this

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step was. But it was a step, regardless. And I sort of did that for a while. There was

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a couple months there, whereas maybe two months where I did that every day. And there were

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some days that I wouldn't be able to do it really that well or wouldn't be able to do

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it all. But I still did it. It would fluctuate. Anxiety, healing from this sort of thing is

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not a straight line. It goes up and down, as everything else does in life. But I kept

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doing it regardless. And then I got to the point where I sort of got bored of that. You

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know, I thought, you know, I need a bit more of a challenge. This is easy. You know? So

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I started driving down the street, down to my little shop that I used to like to go to.

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And holy shit, did that cause me some panic attacks. That two minute drive that it took

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was shorter than the walk. But my God, did it feel like it took half an hour when I got

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out of that shop and I didn't buy my groceries because I was freaking out and I was too scared

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of waiting in line and it took too long and the cashier wasn't hurrying up and then everything

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was going wrong. And I felt like, you know, breathe, calm down. I eventually came to the

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point where I did that every day. You know, and there were a lot of times where I couldn't

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go into the shop or I dropped my groceries halfway through waiting. Or I, you know, I

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walked to the door and then touched the door handle and went, no, and walked back to my

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car. But I had to keep trying. And I got to the point where I realized it's going to sound

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really silly. Probably going to think I'm a bit stupid. I am. I realized that when something

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like this would happen in the day and I couldn't do it, like going to the shop, if I couldn't

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do it earlier in the day, I realized that I could try again in the same day. I didn't

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have to wait till the next day to do it. And that was sort of the biggest turning point

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of my journey. Mind you, this all happened over the period of about six months to this

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point here. So maybe not six months, maybe like four months. Yeah, four months. Sorry,

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four months. I realized I could try again, as I said. And when I realized that my progression

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that I made became doubled, tripled even. I started driving a little further. And then

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one night, a couple of weeks after I figured out I could try again, the same day, a couple

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of hours later, five minutes later, whatever, I drove to McDonald's. And this is probably

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going to sound a bit weird, but this McDonald's was about half an hour away. So I had not

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driven anything like that in months and months. The thought of that actually terrified me.

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But I just grabbed the keys. It was like two o'clock in the morning. I was wide awake,

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so I wasn't doing anything dangerous or anything. But I just, yeah, I got in the car and I drove.

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I didn't tell anyone what I was doing because I didn't want anyone to be disappointed in

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me if I couldn't do it. But I did it. And the I didn't even really feel anxious because

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I was so proud of myself for doing something that I didn't think I was ever going to be

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able to do again. I really believed that I was never going to be able to do that. But

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I did. And I was, I was, for lack of a better word, fucking over the moon. You know, like

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the things that we are capable of are limitless. We are literally capable of overcoming pretty

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much anything. Our brains are so powerful, our bodies can handle a lot more than we give

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them credit for. And I know that this phobia in particular is really exhausting as of a

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lot of like all of them are, you know, any mental limitless is, but this is so exhausting.

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And the dark place that this phobia brings you to is something that I wouldn't wish upon

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anyone. You know, I know how lonely it gets. I know how scary like just being like wrapped

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in just complete fear from the moment you wake up to the moment you go to sleep is such

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a scary thing. And I'm not going to lie. I'm in a similar place as I was to when I was,

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you know, living back then, you know, four years ago, I'm not doing the best with my

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metophobia and sort of came back sort of have some unresolved things with my anxiety. I've

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been in therapy a lot recently. I've been trying to build myself to do a better me.

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You know, I've had a lot of things that I regret in my lifetime. I was addicted to drugs

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for a long time, or not anything heavy, but you know, I smoked a lot of weed, had a lot

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of alcohol, whatever. I wasn't happy with that. And I wasn't happy with the person I

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was. I was a really awful person of beer. And I was just really mean. I was really rude.

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I ruined a lot of friendships and relationships because my actions and I didn't like that.

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So I sort of decided that I had to change. And now I've gotten myself into therapy. I'm

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working on that. And it sort of brought up a lot of things that I sort of forgot about

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a lot of emotions that I suppressed for a long time. So it's brought me back to a place

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where my metophobia wasn't the cause of the reason I'm feeling like this. It's a symptom.

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And now it's sort of become my driving focus again, sort of focusing on the metophobia

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and trying to get that out of the way. So I can continue my journey on being a better

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me. You know, I want to grow as much as I can and be the best version of myself I can

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be. And I figured now was the best time to start a podcast for the reason that I think

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growing alongside anyone that wants to listen and giving my advice along the way and sharing

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my setbacks, my failures, my coping strategies, my good times, you know, any advice, anything.

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I feel like this is the best time to do so. So I hope to anyone that is listening, that

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you have a good day, that you have a good week, that your metophobia doesn't play up

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today and you get through whatever you need to do with ease. And I just want you to know

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that if you're in a position where you can't move your house or you find it hard to do

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so that it does get better. And as long as you are trying, you are doing the things that

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you need to do, even if you're going on a very small walk, please just keep trying.

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Look at the anxiety from a new perspective. Try not to take it so seriously. And most

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of all, just be nice to yourself and be patient. You know, we all have probably talked so bad

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to ourselves. I know I have said some horrendous things to myself and I know it sounds silly.

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Like why would it matter what you say to yourself? Who cares? But like it really does impact

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how you will go moving forward. So please above anything, if you are going to listen

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to anything I said, please just be nice to yourself. I promise you like if you practice

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that enough, if you pull yourself up when you're being mean to yourself and blaming

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yourself for everything and just being an awful person to you in your mind. Like I promise

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as long as you keep trying to do that, you keep going on with the kindness, you will

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get to a point that is better than where you are. I don't quite know what that point is

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because I'm currently working on this as well. But I just thought I'd share these things

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from my experience, my life and hopefully a bit of advice for anyone out there that

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needs it. As per usual, you can contact me on any socials at a link below if I can figure

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out how to link them. And I hope to have more episodes out soon. So thank you for listening

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guys and I hope you have a good day. See you.