Before time had a name there was a garden a place
where heaven and earth walked as one This is
the echoes of Eden Where we rediscover ancient
roots and awaken to our eternal purpose All right
guys welcome back to the podcast This week, we're
going to talk about the power of words and speaking
life into your family. I am joined again by my
lovely Brad, my wife, my best friend, my ride
or die, everything over here. She's with me again.
Say hello, everybody. Hello. So I'll kick it
off with a scripture probably everybody knows
but Proverbs 18 21 that says your words are so
powerful This is the passion translation your
words are so powerful that they will kill or
give life and the talkative person will reap
the consequences Another translation basically
says You know you had the tongue you have the
power of life and death and the tongue But you
know speaks a lot of volumes when you really
take that to heart and it's I Had this this episode
planned for this week and what a day for to talk
about the power of your words Just because today
has been a struggle day for me I think we're
just being frustrated and we'll just be transparent
and vulnerable here. Hopefully it helps somebody
else because I'm not perfect. I'm still working
my way and allowing Holy Spirit to do whatever
he needs to do in me and allow the room for Transformation
to happen within and I know I'm still in a journey
and still in a process got a long way to go But
saying all that to basically say basically bait
made both of my daughters feel like I hated them
today Just by my words Well, let's say more of
your home let's say words and home maybe And
it, you know, as a dad, as their dad, as your
husband, we had to have that family conversation
tonight that that's never what I want them to
feel at all. And it just amazes me the conversation
and How much Kaylin our ten -year -old can come
back and come back with so much wisdom and grace
and grace Like she It's funny when you say that
it she really lives up to her name pure grace
And it was just even when she told me she says
daddy I forgive you She says I forgave you before
you even said anything And, you know, she recognizes
we all have those moments. But I just found it
interesting when I realized what we're doing
this podcast on that this was the day that I've
had. I think we just have to be real and talk
about these moments because we all have them.
Yeah. But it's what you do. What you do with
those moments like the conversation at the end
of the day to apologize and explain to your children
You know, hey, it's okay to have a bad day. We
all have bad days and you know, I Probably said
some things that I shouldn't have and I apologize
and that's not okay. It just Gives them that
vulnerable side to see hey, it's okay to apologize.
It's okay to you know, mess up sometimes. Yeah.
And I don't know that if I'm being, again, if
I'm just being vulnerable and real, I don't know
that previous me would have done that. Um, so
I think it, I think it shows growth on my part
for that. Yeah. I don't think. I don't remember
you doing that a long time ago um and not saying
you know i'm sure somebody well you just did
that so you could say that but no i think before
um you just kind of expected everybody to apologize
or every sorry everybody to forgive you without
having to you know apologize you just try well
i had a bad day and just chalk it up to that
and then You need to figure that out. I don't
need to address my attitude or my, maybe something
I said or whatever. Cause I really don't even
remember what I said to make them feel that way
or what tone I had, but just knowing that as
a dad when that's what you, your kids feel like
in that moment and was your, your tone. or an
action that you took or a statement that you
made that made them feel that way. That hurts.
Yeah. And did I have to? No, I've had plenty
of times where I've not done that, but I felt
like that was the right thing to do to be vulnerable
and transparent for my kids to see. Daddy don't
always get it right. Yeah. Well, I think it makes
them realize too, hey, it's okay to have a bad
day or an off day every once in a while. It's
a normal thing, you know, but it's not okay to
make people feel bad just because that you're
having an off day. And, you know, so many times
we think and look at our kids, you know, they
have off days. Yeah. But yet we fuss at them
for it. Yeah. And it's like, we can get up, we
can have a bad day, we can go through the motions,
apologize, and it's okay. But yet the day that
they have a bad day, we chalk it up to, oh, well,
they're being disobedient or they're being mad
or, you know, they're being bad or something
like that. But it's like, we, we have double
standards. Like we're allowed to have bad days,
but they're not, but they're not, and they have
way bigger emotions at that age than we do at
ours. So I mean, there's still much, you know,
I know we're still figuring life out, but they're
still in a point of at their young ages, they're
still at a point of trying to figure out life.
And it's like you said, I feel like, I think
you pointed this out to me. I would have never,
I don't think I would have picked up on it without
you saying it, but it's the fact that we expect
them not to have those. I mean, you're a kid,
why do you have a bad day? Well, because they're
human too. Well, and their bodies, they're trying
to regulate all of their emotions and they're
not. physically or mentally mature enough to
do that yet. Yeah. I mean, they're, they're handling
some of these emotions and stuff and trying to
figure out what to do with these emotions. Um,
and what, you know, how, what is this feeling
that I'm having and how do I navigate it and
how do I express When I get upset, how do I express
myself when I get angry? How do I express myself
when I'm How do I express myself when my feelings
are hurt? How do I express myself when I'm sad?
They don't they don't know how to express their
emotions I don't think we know how to express
our emotions sometimes. I don't think I know
how to express my emotions sometimes. Yeah. So
they're learning, I'm learning, you're learning,
we're all learning. I think I've said this before,
our kids didn't come with manuals. You know,
you take Kaylin and Trinity and Trinity is very
big in her feelings and her emotions. Kaylyn
is not so much at the moment Although you can
kind of see that preteen stuff starting. I Don't
know how that's who? Y 'all pray But you can
see some of those emotions starting and her taking
Which I guess she's always been that way. She
takes more stuff to heart. Yeah, she does But
that's just why it's important to As the parent,
as the dad especially, one of the things I'm
learning is how powerful your words are. Because,
especially being the head of the house, the words
that I speak and the tone that I have, the attitude,
I shape the atmosphere. I think, in my opinion,
the father shapes more of the identity for the
child. But then they also, as parents, we have
to create the emotional safety and culture in
our home. Right. Which is, you know, this is
stuff growing up you didn't hear about, or at
least I didn't. but when you really start trying
to be intentional with your parenting and you
feel like you are on this journey with the Holy
Spirit allowing her to do whatever she needs
to do as far as in a sense where I feel like
I'm at right now the Holy Spirit is kind of mothering
in a way given that I don't know how to explain
that. Like a nurture, nurturing. Yes. Because
I mean, we'll talk about this. We've talked about
this before. As far as just my personal journey,
I'm on this journey of, I would have said deconstruction
before because that was the term everybody used,
although I didn't think that was accurate. Bill
Vanderbush did a post recent, I think this past
week that I shared, it's more reconstruction.
But when you're doing a lot of that, the Holy
Spirit has to kind of mother you, I feel like
in a sense. I know that can get me in trouble,
but Holy Spirit can do either or, depends on
what you need in that moment. And that's the
same thing in the house. It's like I told Trinity
earlier sometimes when she has those big emotions.
I Don't know how to handle that. So I have to
like lean on you Because I struggle when she
just starts crying over silly things But it's
still I have to take those moments and Maybe
not in the moment reflect but later through the
evening reflect What can I do differently? How
can I set that tone? How can I speak? And one
of the things like I like to tell them sometimes
if I'm thinking about it and trying to be intentional
with it is that's not who you are You're not
You're not a crybaby essentially Even with And
I know I think you told me there was more to
the story what you found out the next day, but
when We thought she was lying when she came up
here today, and I told her you're not a liar
One of the things I try to tell my kids is when
I hear them say I'm sorry. No, you're not That's
not who you are. You're not sorry. I Don't like
hearing them express that There's a difference
between apologizing, but I don't want to hear
them say I'm sorry Because you're not sorry You're
not a sorry kid. I want to kind of remove that
language from them. Even today when Kaylin was
in her room and I was fussing trying to get her
to clean her own room, you know, one of the comments
I heard her make that I addressed with her personally
later was she made some kind of comment about
how I suck at this. And I had to sit down with
her. I said, That's not true. Like you don't
suck at stuff. I said, you're a very smart little
girl. I said, this is your room. I said, you
can do this. May take more effort sometimes if
you're not good at something. I said, but you
don't suck at it. I don't want to hear you say
stuff like that. Does that make sense? I feel
like I'm just rambling a little bit, but does
that make sense? I just think we have to be intentional
and really think and reflect about how much what
we say and how we say it shapes the atmosphere
in our home. It shapes the atmosphere in the
home that shapes your kid's identity. It shapes
Their inner confidence their inner confidence
it shapes Which is this is kind of where I feel
like I'm at personally now is Because Holy Spirit
is taking me on this journey and I'm leaning
into it is I'm seeing the things that I missed
before and how many my kids feel in a previous
season and they're still in this struggle point
of Getting used to the new version. I guess that
you can quote it of dad and Learning that they
can come to me when before I guess I really made
them feel like they cannot Yeah And then you
have days like today where I feel like I've went
backwards and you have to address it Because
I don't want them. I don't want them continually
being afraid to come to me. I want them to come
to me And then like I said, as a dad, you shape
the culture of your home. What do you want the
house to look like? These are questions you really,
I don't know that, at least not for me, you talk
about this kind of stuff enough. And I feel like
we should be talking more about this as families,
as men, as parents. What do you want your family
culture to look like? Like a vision. Yeah. Like
what's your vision for your family? Which, I
mean, we have a 10 year old right now who's,
she has this grand plan, uh, that mommy and daddy
are going to buy acreage somewhere and they can,
uh, her house will be here. Her sister's house
is over here. Her brother's house will be over
here. Mommy and daddy's house. I mean, she's
got this family compound thing. Planned out planned
out and you know, I kind of like it. Yeah, like
I can I can kind of envision that To where they
can have their own space, but yet we all can
be together, too I'm kind of here for that if
that's what they want to do But that goes back
to what culture do you create in your family?
Like is this a Excuse me. Is this a safe space
for them? Am I a safe space? Are you a safe space
that they can run to? No matter what feelings
they're juggling, whether it be the anger, the
sadness, the hurt feelings or excitement and
being happy, are you a safe place that they can
run to? And they know that there's no judgment,
no condemnation, no guilt, no shame, none of
that coming off of you toward them. But also,
are you listening? Like really listening when
they approach you? Because it's one thing to
be a safe space if they feel comfortable running
to you. But do they feel heard once they get
there? Or are you playing on your phone guilty?
Same. But it's like, and I picked up on earlier.
When they was going to bed, Kaylin was trying
to tell me something before he cut my hair. Kaylin
was trying to tell me something and I had my
phone out just scrolling and she said, no, are
you listening? And so at that point I realized
I'm gonna put my phone down because she really
wants to tell me something. But that's, you know,
that's a good point is are you, are we listening
to them? Are we making them feel seen and heard?
and not just tolerated. I mean, so you think
about those as, I guess it begs the question,
how do you intentionally raise kids who feel
safe to be fully themselves? I think it's, you
know, I think I've told you this before, but
in one of my quiet times, you know, God has spoke
to me and we, a lot of times are the limits for
our kids. Like a lot of times we put limits and
we speak things over them that we shouldn't.
And, you know, one prime example was I had ask
Kaylin to do something and she, you know, which
is what I would feel she smarted off and was
in all reality, she was just asking a question.
Yeah. But I automatically was like, don't be,
don't be a smart aleck, you know, and it hit
me because she turned to me and she's like, well,
what's that? She had no idea what you're talking
about. she does this, you know, what what we
put on others because others, you know, treat
us that way with disrespect and sometimes that
we automatically put those limits and those names
on our kids. Yes. And they don't mean it at all
because they don't even know what it is. Yeah.
And so then they hear mom and dad say, oh, well,
they said this. Did this and they said I was
being a smart alec. So then when someone else
does that to them now, they know Hey, that's
that's being smart So they really don't understand
what it means, but they know that we said that
that's what it was So then they pick up on it
somewhere else But in all reality a lot of times
our kids are truly just innocent asking questions
and we just don't want to take the time to Explain
it Or maybe we are in a hurry or in a mood ourselves
and we take it the wrong way and so you said
that and it made me think we we had as parents
we have to Learn how to and it's hard to do this
and this I feel like in this day and time But
to slow down And not be so busy busy busy and
I don't know I'm totally guilty of this So I
don't have the answer of what that looks like
yet, but being able to slow down and Make sure
they understand that you hear they that you hear
them creating that space for them and Then slowing
down to teach them in those critical moments
So they can understand You know and it goes I
guess to me it kind of goes back to the When
they mess up or whatever it's important to I
feel like it's important to tell them. This is
not who you are Like we're the ones that label
them first, but we are and Sometimes I speak
for myself, but sometimes we label at a frustration
We label because we've had a bad day we label
because Our past hurts and experiences. Our past
hurts and stuff. And so we throw those labels
at our kids. And then subconsciously, I think
they start picking up on some of this. And so
then they start allowing these thoughts that
we've expressed begin to build their identity.
And that's what we have to watch. Our words.
Watch our words. And you know, like I said, with
Trinity, I struggle more. Trinity is very big
in her feelings and I don't know what to do with
that a lot of times. That takes a lot more. Kaylin
on the other hand acts just like me. Yes. That
brings a whole nother level of frustration because
I see a little meaning in me and I'm like, oh
my Lord, is this is me coming out and how do
I speak to a younger female version of me in
this moment? That's not always easy to do. But
then you have, like I said, Trinity, who was
very big in her feelings. And I'm like, I don't
know. How do you do that? She's very big in her
feelings, but she also correlates, you know,
punishment with being bad and not love. Yes.
So you have to punish her. in a way that it's
explained very well. And you have to also reassure
her while you're punishing her. That you do love
her. She is still loved and it has nothing to
do with how we feel about her. It's just that
we are trying to teach her. It's a difference
between calling out identity and calling out
behavior. Like I see this behavior right now,
but this behavior does not get to identify you,
right? So let me continue so I'm going to address
the behavior, but let me speak to your identity
That you are still loved but we this behavior
is not acceptable in this behavior How can I
say that? the behavior that you're displaying
right now is out of character from who you are.
Does that make sense? Yeah. And you know, it
even, and I know we've talked about this and
I think you've sent me videos or your Facebook
reels on some of this stuff, but it even to me,
I guess, speaks to phrases that we should learn
to eliminate. Now I'm talking this through out
loud. But phrases to like you always or you never
or Why can't you like these are stuff that I
use? Constantly that I need to correct and comparing
them to each other comparing them to each other
but like making this the general phrase of you
always do this or You never do what I ask I'm
horrible to use these but I was reading some
of this stuff for this podcast, but instead of
saying that, you know, changing it to you're
growing, or that's not who you are. Instead of
the, you always do this, you never do this. Because
then it goes back to a certain while ago, they
start picking up on some of this stuff subconsciously,
and it begins to identify them. And they think,
well, this is how I am. Yep. then you have a
ten -year -old today saying I suck at this well
that means somewhere along the line she's picked
up by words that I've said or whatever that she
actually sucks at doing whatever it was she said
she's like that because she can never keep her
room clean yep which you know I told you this
recently I said it must just be a kid thing I
didn't I don't remember having those issues.
I was very still am very particular about where
stuff goes and I like a clean a Clean house or
whatever, but I'm also learning Well, our kids
are also very very blessed. They are extremely
blessed. We were overly abundantly blessed But
I'm you know, I'm 35 we've been married for 13
years Is that right now? 12, 25, yeah. 13 years,
we got three kids. I am just now learning that
it's okay if the house just looks livable. And
I know that's horrible to say, but it's okay
if the house looks livable. Like. Someone lives
here. Like we have three kids. We have a... Shut
up. You know what I mean. Lived in. This house
looks lived in. This house looks like we have
three kids. This house looks like we now have
a almost a one -year -old who's now crawling
and going everywhere. This house looks like you
have a one -year -old who... sits in his little
playthings and throws toys in the floor and for
no apparent reason and snacks and then smashes
the snacks and then that's what you have yeah
um it looks like you have two little girls who
when they come in shoes go off and then they
get left there until i say whose shoes are these
and is this where they go um whose cup is this
whose snack wrapper is this but all this is just
normal stuff And my job as dad is just to simply
help them learn how to pick up after themselves
and be responsible. Which is kind of crazy considering
that you grew up with two siblings and I had
none. I know. I kind of thought you might would
have figured that out before now. But I guess
it's just because my space was always organized.
But when you have But that was also one room
I Understand this like we don't have to call
me out on the podcast They're not listen. I'll
work hard for my house to look like it's been
struck by a tornado But you know and I have to
remember you homeschool you're a caregiver and
now you homeschool both girls, which Kaylin's
getting a little bit more independent. But then
on top of that, you have a one -year -old who
you're kind of at his beck and call. Like when
he's upset, guess what? Mommy has to be there.
Yeah. Cause he doesn't, he doesn't understand.
He doesn't care. He doesn't care. Like I am priority
number one right now. Just like we had to pause
this podcast because he woke up from his sleep
and was getting fussy all over this. So a lot
of this is just learning as you go. I do feel
like, and you can correct me live in person right
here if you would like, but I do feel like I
have grown in not getting as frustrated with
the house. Times, there's days I'm like, let's
clean the house up a little bit. I don't like
it looking trashy, so to speak, but it's lived
in. And if people don't like that, don't come
visit. I don't know what to tell you. Well, they
must not like it because we won't get a lot of
visitors. Eat hell. Scroll through my notes here
a little bit. That's what, you know, you think
too, even when we discipline, how do you, you
have to be conscious and how do you word discipline
in ways that shapes their identity and re -discipline
in a way that reinforces who they are, but cancels
out the behavior that they're, you're disciplining
for. Does that make sense? Yes. And, you know,
how do you do that? I'm also understanding that's
exactly what the Holy Spirit and what Papa does
for us. I know we grew up with some of this notion,
at least I did, with there's times that he scolds
you. Or, you know, that he kind of like, um,
David Thompson, Jason Clark always use the analogy
of you have the good cop, bad cop. Jesus is the
good cop, the father is the bad cop, and he's
protecting you from the father. This is kind
of some of the thought processes I grew up with.
Now I'm learning that not to be true and knowing
that he does not come and scold you. And just
as we don't want our kids coming to us and telling
us how horrible they are, how worthless they
are, he doesn't want that from us. And he doesn't
sit there and scold us over it. a decision. It's
more of like a nudge of, well, it's more of a
nudge. Like that's not who you are. That's not
what you do. That's not what you do. Um, it's
like, I believe I got this from Damon Thompson
and this is what I believe behavior follows identity.
So he speaks more to, as far as I'm concerned,
he speaks more to us about our identity of who
we are in Christ in Christ in us. And the more
he reinforces that, the behavior takes care of
itself. So how do you turn that for your kids?
I'm very thankful right now that our kids are
actually really good kids. They're very good
kids. Other than trying to teach them how to
get along with each other sometimes. and respect
boundaries. But, you know, it's just you talk
them through it because just like a teacher in
a classroom, you know, you have these kids and
you think that your kids should automatically
know these things because, well, they live in
the same house as you, which is obviously not
a good reason. But, you know, that's a lot of
times what we assume is like I know this stuff,
so you should know this stuff. But we are the
ones that teach them these things. We can't depend
on other people to teach them just so we don't
have to. Just because we don't want to deal with
it. No, it's our responsibility, it's our job
to make sure they know how to do things and why
we do them. in the end it gives them confidence
to you know because they just want to know why
a lot of times it's it's not them being disrespectful
or being um smart they're asking questions they
really want to know why they just try to understand
but that's good um another thing too when you
think about them and here's a statement that
just full Kids learn their internal voice from
their parents external voice And if that don't
make you as a parent stop and think about what
you're saying out loud yeah, not just and and
Okay, so not just to them But even how you talk
to yourself and again guilty as charged how you
talk to yourself in front of them Well, and it's
like, and I've made statements before, even a
friend of Kaylin out, like I'll do something
and go stupid. And Kaylin has corrected me saying
you're not stupid daddy. Well, it's like, we
think a lot of times we, you know, the golden
rule, treat others the way you want to be treated.
But for some reason that doesn't apply to our
kids. Good point. You know, just because what
they're kids. That's a good point. Like, do I
want to be, um, yelled at as an adult? Do I want
to be, um, you know, shifted to the side and
be shamed because I don't know something? No.
So then what makes you think that your kids want
to feel that way? It's, you know, it's one of
those things too. I think growing up, there was
this, for me, there was this mentality of. If
you yell and scream it shows authority and leadership
I Mean even and I know I can get excited when
I'm when I'm teaching or ministering. I don't
think I've ever like hollered I Don't think it
would been that type To what to like be on you
know kids like it when I'm ministering I kind
of just have this sound sometimes but not more
so kind of out of excitement. Yeah, but not yelling
but If you if you really think about that and
think about Jesus I don't think he yelled and
screamed to assert leadership and authority I
think You have to learn To talk to your kids
as Little human beings and goes back to what
you said would I want to be your dad? like No,
yeah, I mean if I mean if you just apply the
golden rule to parenting and within with even
with Trinity if you raise your voice Yeah Takes
off running. Yeah, that's not what she wants.
It's not what she needs nothing. That's a there's
a lesson in that Mean okay, even with me and
you we don't really yell at each other We have
had moments, but we've had some heated discussions
And I would even say we've had those lately if
I really had to think about it I'm trying to
think You're giving me some look so maybe we
have Yes, but we anyhow Nevermind. Before today,
it's, I think it's been a while. Yeah. Um, but
we don't, we don't yell. We talk to each other.
We talk through it. Like if, if we see a issue
or something, we wait until it's just us and
then we talk it out. And I'm like, um, maybe
you shouldn't, you know, like you should have
done this or shouldn't have done it this way.
And you do the same to me. when I get frustrated
or something, you're like, uh, that was a bit,
a bit much. Yeah. But, um. But it should be the
same with the kids. Like if we can talk to each
other that way as partners. You get a whole lot
more out of them. You get a whole much. If you
just, if you yelled at me, like I'm probably
not going to have a whole lot of respect and
want to listen to what you have to say. Um, but
if you treat me like a human being, And I think
the kids and with respect I think the kids feel
the same way To me I guess it just goes back
to what you say and how you say it your delivery
Because you can say something nice but deliver
it wrong and they won't receive it. Mm -hmm Yeah
It's like I've heard people also say, you know,
I'm not explaining myself to a child the baby
you need to But you definitely need to. And our
kids are a perfect example of I think they understand
more than we give them credit for. Oh yes they
do. They're way too smart for my own good. I
mean you definitely need to explain to them things
because how do you expect them to handle things
later on in life if they were never taught? Yeah.
And you have to they have to be able to understand
Okay, mommy said this why? Because of this Mommy's
doing this why well, they need to know Like I
don't mind explaining myself to anybody. Yeah,
but you know, I There's all different kinds of
parenting styles and I'm not saying that You
know either way is wrong. It's however you you
know, you can reach your kids but Well, I think
it's important to remember every child's different
and I my belief is trust Holy Spirit and ask
Holy Spirit to help you Right parent your child.
Yeah, I mean they belong to him first exactly
You know and and that may mean and I think me
and Ray has talked about this before That may
sometimes mean I need to walk away from a situation
I probably had some of those moments today and
opportunities that I should have walked away,
breathe and then, you know, talk to you first
and then come back to the situation. Um, and
I did not do that. I failed at that today, but
yeah, but it's, it's okay to walk away in. Take
a breath take a breath before you respond to
Whatever you name and it's okay to tap out to
your spouse every once in a while You know, like
if you're struggling having a bad day be like
look, I'm gonna need you to step up today because
I'm not it. I'm not it today I Think that's good
right there but Don't know how I mean, of course,
we're supposed to be talking about our words
and how they matter I think we took a turn on
parenting but in but but but It is parenting
and it can relate to parenting has a lot to do
with Words. Yeah, I mean it to me. I guess it
goes to teaching beginning teaching has a lot
to do with words and tones and how you How you
build because what do you what are we doing in
the family? as the parents, as the dad, what
are you, you're building a culture for your family.
Well, that culture is going to be framed by what?
Your words, your attitude, your tone. I mean,
it's a bigger deal than we realize. It goes back
to what Proverbs 18 talks about. The power of
life and death is in the tongue. You're eating
you're either giving life to your children. You're
giving life to your spouse or giving life to
Your home or you're killing it You know and there's
like today for me. I feel like I killed a lot
of things But then at the end of the night I
had to suck it up be a man look at my kids and
say you know what I'm sorry May both of you feel
this way That's not okay. And just, we move forward
from there. And I think that's important as a
family too, is having that grace to be able to
say, hey, look, you had a day. I apologize. It's
okay. You know, even with the kids, when they
have that day, they have their bad day, is being
able to look at them like Kailin said, even before
they, if they don't ever say a thing about it.
And just helping them understand, we forgive
you a long time ago. I think, and this goes deep,
I feel as I say this out loud and think about
it, my kids don't have to ask me to forgive them.
I live in a state of forgiveness toward my children.
And where does that come from? Because I was
always taught you got to ask God to forgive you
every day I mean, that's that's good to do I
guess but Also living from this point. I don't
know that I want my kid asking me every day to
forgive them. I Forgive you because you're my
child All right, how we got on this subject,
but here we are Well, I think after a while to
what they originally asked forgiveness for eventually.
It doesn't become a thing that needs forgiveness
anymore because it drops off. Yeah. Cause they
realize, Hey, I have to apologize for this. Maybe
I'll not do it anymore. You know, and then, you
know, you move on, you grow from that. Yeah.
And I think a lot of the goal and a lot of this
stuff to me, I guess, is you're trying to establish
this family as a kingdom family. Like I know
I created the logo that says that, but now we're
creating a culture where I want this to be a
kingdom focused family to where at 8 and at one
year old, he matters just as much as Kaylin at
10 years old. And Kaylin at 10 years old matters
just as much as 8 and at one year old. And I
want them both to believe that. At times, even
having a baby, your older one, especially the
middle one too, can feel left out during times.
But creating though that culture and helping
them understand, hey, we see you, we hear you,
we know you. And include them. Yeah. Even on
the simple things. And just understanding, you
know, every word you speak as a parent plants
a seed. You're speaking constantly. If you're
being intentional about it, you're speaking,
um, to who your child is becoming. I like this
one. I have this for down. Yeah. And I wrote
this down. Why your child, why your home should
sound like your child's future. and not their
past. Like when they make mistakes, don't allow
them to dwell on that mistake. Don't allow them
to define themselves by that mistake. Help them
to pick up the pieces and just move forward.
And you know, and I have to, I have to think
about Kalin for a lot of this because Kalin What
I've seen over Kailin the past few weeks is just
mind blowing. As far as her wisdom that she speaks.
Her understanding of situations. And her kindness.
And her kindness. Her. Like she does. She expresses
her emotions. She's expressing them more so lately
that I've seen. But there's so much grace in
everything that she does. And I even, I mean,
is what it is, you know, even when we left the
church the past couple of weeks. And we talked
to the kids about what happened. understanding
of what was happening, happening in her wisdom
to speak life back into us without knowing what
she was doing. I don't know that at 10 years
old, I would be talking like she talks sometimes.
I don't think I was. I mean, it's just, she,
I don't know. Sometimes I'm wondering, sometimes
I ask myself like, which one of us is the parent?
Cause I mean, just like tonight. Daddy already
forgives you before you said anything We all
have bad days like for her to understand that
and grapple that at 10 years old And be able
to turn it and extend grace back to me as her
dad. You see that's also You know when you teach
them It's okay to have bad days. This is what
it is He you know Daddy's just having a bad day
today Okay And that's okay. We just keep trucking.
But when you stop and you explain all of these
scenarios as life comes in to your home, they
understand and they react a whole lot better
to it. And I think that's what we see out of
Kalen. Because I try to take the time and trust
me, she has so many questions. But I try to take
my time and explain, you know, and I know there's
some days that, you know, I'm at my last question
for the day, and I probably don't explain things
as good, but I try my best every day to respond
and answer her questions so that she understands,
you know, what and why and, you know, the reason
behind it and what we do with it. You know, I
think we'll start wrapping up, but I think the
last part, you know, I know I mentioned a while
ago about the whole forgiveness thing. I don't
want my kids running around constantly. Forgive
me, forgive me, forgive me. Not what I'm looking
for, but I want to also help them understand
that they're Repentance there is a There's time
like tonight where I had to sit down and apologize
but that that's also needed in relationships
and in family to where And one of the things
I read today for this was about just modeling
humility, you know, it's a It should be normal
to be able to come up and say, I was wrong. Because
what are you trying to do in that moment? You're
trying to reconcile what was there. Um, because
if I just, okay, let's just be honest. If I just
never did that and continued on the path that
I was on before, what would our family look like?
She just rolled her eyes for everybody who. You
can't see what I see. That look right there is
head at all. But how the biblical repentance
and I don't like that word, but it reestablishes
connection. You know, I was not connected to
my kids at all. I felt like today until that
moment when I sat down with them. Well, I can't
say that because I, me and Kevin had a conversation
earlier where I corrected that. Um, but to sit
down before you cut my hair and everything and
have that conversation. I made them come sit
in the living room and us sit down so I could
explain to them. I didn't really explain, just
apologize for how I made them feel today. And
to show them and display this is how you reconcile.
This is how you reestablish connection. Don't
ever feel like I don't love you. Right. I messed
up today. Had a rough day mentally. You got to
bring into that. That's not okay. I'm not excusing
what I did, but this is where we're at. And then
you build it from there. It's not the same, I
guess is what I'm trying to say. It's not the
same as constantly running around going, forgive
me, forgive me, forgive me, forgive me. But there
are moments to where when you know you missed
it, hey, I got this wrong. And I feel like me
and you do that sometimes a lot more now than
we used to. And sometimes, you know, in the moment,
You apologize and it's more healing for you than
it was for the ones that deserved it Yeah, because
a lot of times At least for me a lot of times
when you when someone apologizes to me, I'm like,
I'm already over that anyhow, I didn't really
But you're right it does it does more for you
sometimes it's like your connection You know,
it heals that connection where you feel disconnected
Yeah, and Then what I want the our kids understand
and why I don't like to hear I'm say I'm sorry
Is go sorry doesn't really cut it It's what you
do you've apologized Now what? That means we
don't continue in the behavior that caused the
pain That caused the hurt Does that mean you're
gonna be perfect? No Does that mean if that's
where your struggle is, you might fail again?
No. But learning how to deal with that in the
moment and teaching them, hey, okay, let's use
the kids as an example. You know, I didn't keep
my room clean. Well, yeah, it's okay. We forgive
you. Maybe they keep it clean for three days.
I'm giving them a lot of grace there. They kept
it clean for three days and then mess up again.
Okay, let's just keep, let's just move on. Next
time they make it four days. Exactly. Right.
That's the kind of grace we have to have, especially
with our kids, is understanding they're little
human beings. who's trying to figure out this
thing called life in a chaotic world that it's
more chaotic now than it was when we were younger.
That just kind of is what it is. But to see,
I guess as a parent, the bragging that we have,
bragging right, that I must say we have, quote
unquote. Is to see their response and some of
these things I Mean even trying to even if you
pay attention to Trinity, there's things that
she does and says sometimes it's like Wow She
she's one of those that shows you they understand
a lot more Than what you give credit for and
if you separate Kalen and Trinity. Trinity becomes
much more older, I guess you could say, in moments.
Mature. Mature, that's a good word. Yeah, much
more mature. I'm trying to think if there's anything
else I want to hit on. Okay, let's let's do this
one because I think even marriage our marriage
in front of them Helps speak life to them. I
Think yes showing affection each other in front
of them mean stuff to them that kind of thing
How has our language changed our marriage over
the years I Mean you speak English now Excuse
me Used to mumble a lot you still do sometimes
I'm just kidding. I Have no words for it now,
I Feel like you communicate a little better whereas
before you just didn't You kept it was a struggle
for me you kept everything inside and it was
like pulling nails out of Actually, what is rebar?
It was like pulling rebar out of the ground,
trying to get something out of you. I've had
to do that a couple of times. That gets fun.
Sometimes it's just easier to cut the rebar and
move on. But that's how it felt like trying to
get emotion or feelings and things out of you
before. Now you actually come to me and you know,
you'll Tell me things that bother you or if I
do something That upsets you or that you don't
like or that I said something and I didn't realize
That what I said bothered you because it may
not be what I meant, you know You will tell me
whereas before You didn't really say A whole
lot that I recall. Okay. Well, what about me?
The question was how has her language changed
our marriage over the years? I know. I would
agree with what you just said. Well, that was
mostly about you. Yeah, but you've always communicated
to me typically. Oh, so mine's the same? We communicate
better. Okay. Not to sexist anything, but you
are, you're a female. You communicate better
anyhow. Well, I mean, okay. I didn't never have
to worry about where I stood with you. You would
always make sure you told me. I on the other
hand. And if not my facial expressions. Exactly.
If you don't speak, your face still shows it.
I have said that. You do. Yeah, anyhow. And that
closed caption. Yes, it is. I didn't finish it,
but thanks. But I guess to end, I would, I'm
going to use a personal story for you that you
told me. Oh, no. Just to prove that I don't know
that this ever, I don't know that the power of
words ever Does not mean anything So like the
day that you went to your dad's and you come
home and Told me that your dad said that he's
proud of you And you you told me and I never
forget the words that you said to me you said
don't ever Ever doubt the words that you speak
over your daughters Don't have value because
at 35 years I think you were 34 then. Don't underestimate
it. Yeah and at 34 years old hearing your dad
say I'm proud of you still spoke volume to you.
Something about when a dad speaks that it does
something to you. Yeah. I think something that
maybe not just as a dad but as a parent when
they speak that kind of word over you it does
something. Especially when you know, it's coming
from a sincere place. Yeah Don't get it, you
know To where you don't want them going out looking
for it other places to make them think that exactly
other people they need to seek Approval and stuff
from other people but there's something about
when your parent You know or your dad says I'm
proud of you when you think about me thinking
about two little girls. I want them to know that
their dad affirms them already so that the older
they get, some boy come along and try to affirm
them. That does not grab their attention because
they already know. My dad tells me I'm beautiful.
My dad tells me I'm a princess. My dad tells
me that I'm smart. My dad tells me that I'm valuable.
So there's nothing you can tell me that's going
to get my attention. Right. Just my thoughts
there. But I think it's just a good note to end
on because talking about the power of words,
that never goes away from the importance of that
as a parent, being able to speak life back to
your kids. No matter how old they are. No matter
how old they are. Yeah. because regardless you're
always that parent you're always that mom or
that dad and you in some ways I guess you as
the parent sets the tone for the relationship
what do you want that culture to look like what
do you want the future because you know We got
plenty of time for it, but there's back in my
mind. I'm thinking at some point there are grandkids
in the future What does that future look like?
What culture do I create now? To help affirm
not just my kids, but my grandkids It's just
a big deal when you think about it And my we
have to be more intentional. Well, I have to
be more intentional With things that I say and
things that I do We could go on hold for another
hour probably talking about some of this but
I'll let that just kind of sit there and I Think
that's just a good note to end on it never gets
Don't ever feel like you're I guess for the listener
whoever's listening to this don't ever feel like
your kids are too old for you to Speak life into
them You're still their parent and there's power
in your tongue to speak life or death blessing
or cursing You get to choose You know sometimes
it just takes That apology to reconcile the relationship
I Can't just be an apology is gonna be action
behind it, too If I just set up here tonight
and sit on, you know I'm sorry for what I've
said or whatever but then never back to being
And just continue doing doing this every day
and I just apologized every day eventually the
apology becomes Obsolete. Yeah They don't even
bother because you're just gonna keep doing the
same thing Versus I had today today. Maybe I
go two weeks and don't have a day like this And
then have to apologize again. Well, then I go
a month And don't have a day like this Makes
them more of a difference Do you want to pray?
No, you won't let me do it. Okay Father I just
thank you. I thank you for anyone who's listening
to this if they've made it this far I just I
speak to their hearts and their minds. I Guess
Holy Spirit my first prayer for the listener
would be that they would hear what you would
say over them That you that they would hear that
you are proud of them That they would hear that
you love them more than anything That they would
hear and Holy Spirit just reveal to them how
valuable that they are to you as an individual
as a son or daughter of you But they would feel
their importance they would hear their importance
out of your voice that they would feel your embrace
and then they would be able to demonstrate that
back to their children back to their homes that
they've created back into their families their
spouse and we just thank you and praise you in
Jesus name we pray amen thank you again for doing
this with me i love you You're welcome, I love
you too. Okay.