WEBVTT 00:00:02.270 --> 00:00:07.549 Before time had a name, there was a garden, a 00:00:07.549 --> 00:00:12.390 place where heaven and earth walked as one. This 00:00:12.390 --> 00:00:17.789 is the Echoes of Eden, where we rediscover ancient 00:00:17.789 --> 00:00:27.660 roots and awaken to our eternal purpose. All 00:00:27.660 --> 00:00:31.079 right, guys, welcome back to the podcast. This 00:00:31.079 --> 00:00:34.500 time I am joined again for the first time this 00:00:34.500 --> 00:00:42.500 season by my lovely wife. In this episode, the 00:00:42.500 --> 00:00:48.920 topic will be on fathering through failure. Let 00:00:48.920 --> 00:00:51.420 me just start off with the scripture this week, 00:00:52.280 --> 00:00:55.770 and it's Romans 8 .1. and it says so now the 00:00:55.770 --> 00:00:58.770 case is closed there remains no accusing voice 00:00:58.770 --> 00:01:02.009 of condemnation against those who are joined 00:01:02.009 --> 00:01:08.109 in life union with jesus the anointed one and 00:01:08.109 --> 00:01:14.409 for me myself i know what it is to hear the accusing 00:01:14.409 --> 00:01:21.069 voice of condemnation um and it's that voice 00:01:21.069 --> 00:01:23.450 and or just hit the ground running right up the 00:01:23.400 --> 00:01:28.420 top of this is it's it's the voice that reminds 00:01:28.420 --> 00:01:42.920 me of my failures as a dad and it doesn't do 00:01:42.920 --> 00:01:49.700 any good it doesn't do me any good to hear and 00:01:49.700 --> 00:01:58.079 be reminded failures I think obviously we both 00:01:58.079 --> 00:02:02.599 know failures are a part of life yeah even as 00:02:02.599 --> 00:02:08.599 parents that's you know you know we know our 00:02:08.599 --> 00:02:11.620 kids are going to fail at times that's just part 00:02:11.620 --> 00:02:14.860 of living no one's ever going to get it right 00:02:14.860 --> 00:02:21.810 a hundred percent of the time but it's When you're 00:02:21.810 --> 00:02:27.689 trying to raise Three children You know, we got 00:02:27.689 --> 00:02:30.509 a ten -year -old a seven -year -old and almost 00:02:30.509 --> 00:02:39.530 a one -year -old in just a few short months You 00:02:39.530 --> 00:02:42.949 know, you know, you're going to fail and you 00:02:42.949 --> 00:02:45.789 know failure is part of it and I think back and 00:02:45.789 --> 00:02:50.069 you can you can attest to this of even having 00:02:50.069 --> 00:02:54.389 Kaylin, we know we failed some with, I know I 00:02:54.389 --> 00:02:57.090 failed some, probably a lot more with Kaylin 00:02:57.090 --> 00:03:04.310 than I am with Aiden, if that makes sense. Kaylin 00:03:04.310 --> 00:03:09.289 had, you know, Kaylin's our first kid and neither, 00:03:09.490 --> 00:03:12.270 I mean she did not come, unfortunately the hospital 00:03:12.270 --> 00:03:16.469 did not give us any kind of manual to go by with 00:03:16.469 --> 00:03:20.680 her. So there was obviously there's things we 00:03:20.680 --> 00:03:23.599 did with Kalen that you know we learned from 00:03:23.599 --> 00:03:26.300 and hopefully did better with Trinity and now 00:03:26.300 --> 00:03:30.860 hopefully do even better now with Aiden and you 00:03:30.860 --> 00:03:35.259 go through this process of at least as a dad 00:03:35.259 --> 00:03:39.580 and I'll let you speak to this some you go through 00:03:39.580 --> 00:03:42.860 this process of knowing that you failed. Some 00:03:42.860 --> 00:03:45.460 of my failures have been much larger than others. 00:03:48.680 --> 00:03:52.020 And you can't go back and erase those moments. 00:03:53.860 --> 00:03:58.759 But you have to learn from it. Silence the voice 00:03:58.759 --> 00:04:04.240 of accusation. Learn from it. And then, you tell 00:04:04.240 --> 00:04:07.259 me this all the time, you can start today basically. 00:04:08.419 --> 00:04:13.030 Correct it now. Speak to that a little bit because 00:04:13.030 --> 00:04:16.430 you've walked to you've walked through my failures 00:04:16.430 --> 00:04:22.310 with me alongside me even Well, we'll talk about 00:04:22.310 --> 00:04:24.370 some of this on a later podcast too, but even 00:04:24.370 --> 00:04:28.170 at towns when I pushed you away You still stuck 00:04:28.170 --> 00:04:36.129 by me and saw the man I could be Yeah, I Mean 00:04:36.129 --> 00:04:43.720 I Think your past failures and everything, of 00:04:43.720 --> 00:04:47.240 course you don't live there. But I think it's 00:04:47.240 --> 00:04:52.620 all in perspective. I know that there's times 00:04:52.620 --> 00:04:55.319 that I have come to you and I bring up something 00:04:55.319 --> 00:04:58.699 in the past that you would have done. But I also 00:04:58.699 --> 00:05:01.339 take that and to show you how far you've come. 00:05:01.560 --> 00:05:08.139 Yes. So remembering some things is not always 00:05:08.139 --> 00:05:11.439 a bad thing. because you can see how far you've 00:05:11.439 --> 00:05:16.939 come. But the thing is, is you can't stay there. 00:05:17.500 --> 00:05:19.519 You can't just say, well, this is what I did. 00:05:19.519 --> 00:05:23.779 This is what happened. And just keep living in 00:05:23.779 --> 00:05:26.800 that one moment. I mean, nothing's going to come 00:05:26.800 --> 00:05:29.439 out of it. Nothing's going to grow. You can't 00:05:29.439 --> 00:05:32.959 better yourself if you're stuck. And I think 00:05:32.959 --> 00:05:36.600 it's important too. And I think we've, I know 00:05:36.600 --> 00:05:40.139 we've had this conversation before of, And this 00:05:40.139 --> 00:05:43.920 is for men listening who, maybe their wife kind 00:05:43.920 --> 00:05:48.180 of does the same thing of, you know, previously 00:05:48.180 --> 00:05:51.459 you wouldn't have responded that way. It would 00:05:51.459 --> 00:05:54.579 have been different. It's important in those 00:05:54.579 --> 00:06:01.420 moments to take that and to not hear what you're 00:06:01.420 --> 00:06:04.819 not saying. Because I would take sometimes when 00:06:04.819 --> 00:06:08.800 you would say that and criticize myself. and 00:06:08.800 --> 00:06:11.540 beat up myself and thought, well, yeah, that's 00:06:11.540 --> 00:06:14.420 what I did. But that's how I acted. That's not 00:06:14.420 --> 00:06:16.800 the place I was coming from. Yeah. It was all 00:06:16.800 --> 00:06:19.920 in your perspective. I was allowing what you 00:06:19.920 --> 00:06:23.540 were bringing up to... Bring you down. Well, 00:06:23.540 --> 00:06:25.519 not just bring me down, but to become an identity 00:06:25.519 --> 00:06:29.680 for me. Right. And it's important, you know, 00:06:29.740 --> 00:06:32.060 you would have to have that conversation that 00:06:32.060 --> 00:06:36.250 I'm not playing this out to hurt you. I'm pointing 00:06:36.250 --> 00:06:39.889 this out, like you said a while ago, to show 00:06:39.889 --> 00:06:43.790 you how far you've come. Even telling me, you 00:06:43.790 --> 00:06:46.850 know, things that you said the kids have said, 00:06:48.029 --> 00:06:50.930 you know, that's changed. I think a lot of it 00:06:50.930 --> 00:06:55.790 has to do in your communication. You know, if 00:06:55.790 --> 00:07:00.410 we hadn't had that conversation about it and 00:07:00.410 --> 00:07:02.089 you not come to me and say, well, this is how 00:07:02.089 --> 00:07:06.410 it makes me feel. So the vulnerability on your 00:07:06.410 --> 00:07:10.930 end to tell me that opened the door for me to 00:07:10.930 --> 00:07:13.069 say, hey, I didn't think about it that way because 00:07:13.069 --> 00:07:16.110 I only knew what I was processing in my mind 00:07:16.110 --> 00:07:21.050 and what I would tell you from my perspective, 00:07:21.610 --> 00:07:25.709 not realizing that you didn't catch my perspective. 00:07:26.730 --> 00:07:30.689 So we had to have that conversation. So communication 00:07:30.689 --> 00:07:35.829 is important in moving forward. To get through 00:07:35.829 --> 00:07:38.649 mistakes and to grow from them because I had 00:07:38.649 --> 00:07:40.910 to stop and say okay So this is what he needs 00:07:40.910 --> 00:07:44.350 for me. I need to explain. This is why I'm saying 00:07:44.350 --> 00:07:50.949 this not I'm not throwing daggers and Give I'm 00:07:50.949 --> 00:07:55.029 casting like Flowers, you know at the end of 00:07:55.029 --> 00:08:01.170 a performance like Yeah, this is this is what 00:08:01.170 --> 00:08:04.230 I mean it as like But if you're in that negative 00:08:04.230 --> 00:08:07.449 mindset, because you're putting yourself down, 00:08:07.629 --> 00:08:11.110 you're not going to see that from an encouraging 00:08:11.110 --> 00:08:14.370 standpoint. Right. And that's what I was trying 00:08:14.370 --> 00:08:17.490 to do is encourage you, not bring you down. But 00:08:17.490 --> 00:08:20.490 you also have to have that conversation because 00:08:20.490 --> 00:08:22.709 if you hadn't come to me and you just thought 00:08:22.709 --> 00:08:25.089 that I was just putting you down all the time. 00:08:25.649 --> 00:08:29.600 And well, she said this. So I'm still no better 00:08:29.600 --> 00:08:33.299 than I was or well, she said this or she she 00:08:33.299 --> 00:08:35.440 sent me this video and I could do better I'm 00:08:35.440 --> 00:08:39.159 just horrible Instead of just holding on to that 00:08:39.159 --> 00:08:43.879 and bottling it all up, you know Eventually, 00:08:43.879 --> 00:08:46.779 it's gonna spill over and you're gonna be right 00:08:46.779 --> 00:08:49.620 back to where you started because you're you're 00:08:49.620 --> 00:08:54.600 you're It's like I know I've heard Damon Thompson 00:08:54.600 --> 00:08:57.379 talk about this and some other guys, but behavior 00:08:57.379 --> 00:09:01.080 follows identity. So if you constantly reinforce 00:09:01.080 --> 00:09:04.879 the negative side of this is how it used to be. 00:09:05.000 --> 00:09:06.580 Well, eventually that's going to just become 00:09:06.580 --> 00:09:10.940 a loophole back in. Well, that's who I was. So 00:09:10.940 --> 00:09:14.039 that's who I'm always going to be. And you're 00:09:14.039 --> 00:09:18.220 going to create this longevity thing of somebody 00:09:18.220 --> 00:09:21.059 that you're not. Right. And so in knowing that, 00:09:21.600 --> 00:09:25.539 All I have to do is tweak my words so I can explain 00:09:25.539 --> 00:09:30.320 to you, hey, I saw this, this is what you would 00:09:30.320 --> 00:09:33.720 have done, but look how far you've come. Or, 00:09:34.259 --> 00:09:37.340 hey, I thought of this and you not realizing 00:09:37.340 --> 00:09:41.139 because you've been focused on your mistakes 00:09:41.139 --> 00:09:44.600 that I may have sent you something because I 00:09:44.600 --> 00:09:46.860 was convicted of it and just thought, hey, this 00:09:46.860 --> 00:09:49.549 was. This was good. It took it the other way 00:09:49.549 --> 00:09:52.309 and you take it the other way because you were 00:09:52.309 --> 00:09:54.509 dealing with something internally that I didn't 00:09:54.509 --> 00:09:59.490 know about so I couldn't throw You know the invisible 00:09:59.490 --> 00:10:02.230 shade at you when I was being convicted myself 00:10:02.230 --> 00:10:06.509 yourself So it's all in communication and all 00:10:06.509 --> 00:10:10.549 it is is just you know being honest and vulnerable 00:10:10.549 --> 00:10:14.409 with each other Because you can't have a marriage 00:10:14.409 --> 00:10:19.230 built on something You can't have a marriage 00:10:19.230 --> 00:10:24.090 or relationship built on well one perspective 00:10:24.090 --> 00:10:29.730 Yes And I think to it, you know, I have to remember 00:10:29.730 --> 00:10:32.509 and maybe someone listen this is the same way 00:10:32.509 --> 00:10:39.250 I am I Know I am my own biggest critic I will 00:10:39.250 --> 00:10:42.110 beat myself up harder than anybody else around 00:10:42.110 --> 00:10:45.909 me including those who don't like me or whatever 00:10:48.060 --> 00:10:51.559 That's why people I kind of laugh sometimes and 00:10:51.559 --> 00:10:53.419 people say I don't want you to get upset or something 00:10:53.419 --> 00:10:55.259 like that like it's hard for me to do that from 00:10:55.259 --> 00:10:58.460 other people because I know how hard I am on 00:10:58.460 --> 00:11:01.879 myself and probably More than likely anything 00:11:01.879 --> 00:11:03.480 that someone else is going to say I've already 00:11:03.480 --> 00:11:07.740 thought at some point anyhow But I think it's 00:11:07.740 --> 00:11:11.580 you know, it's important to remember that failure 00:11:11.580 --> 00:11:18.000 especially failure especially as a dad a husband 00:11:18.000 --> 00:11:22.179 it's not the end it's often the beginning of 00:11:22.179 --> 00:11:25.600 deeper grace and you talked about vulnerability 00:11:25.600 --> 00:11:28.860 and I think that's even as a dad you know there's 00:11:28.860 --> 00:11:30.460 been time to know you've had to do it too but 00:11:30.460 --> 00:11:32.500 there's been times I've had to go back to our 00:11:32.500 --> 00:11:37.000 kids and be like I'm sorry and whether that's 00:11:37.000 --> 00:11:41.019 on my own accord or you looking at me at times 00:11:41.019 --> 00:11:46.309 going you need to go fix that sometimes I'm reluctant 00:11:46.309 --> 00:11:53.049 and other times sometimes I'll jump on it and 00:11:53.049 --> 00:11:54.990 sometimes I'm more reluctant but as soon as you 00:11:54.990 --> 00:11:58.169 say it I'm like yeah no I got to go fix that 00:11:58.169 --> 00:12:03.649 I got to go have that conversation and go I didn't 00:12:03.649 --> 00:12:06.830 mean it that way this is kind of what I was trying 00:12:06.830 --> 00:12:10.509 to say what I was trying to do but I think that 00:12:10.509 --> 00:12:12.809 vulnerability even with the kids is important 00:12:12.940 --> 00:12:16.360 Yeah, I think a lot of people, especially, you 00:12:16.360 --> 00:12:21.500 know, I mean, it's probably really done more 00:12:21.500 --> 00:12:26.279 now than it was years ago. For some reason, you 00:12:26.279 --> 00:12:30.460 know, men are supposed to be strong and, you 00:12:30.460 --> 00:12:33.419 know, firm hand, and you can't show vulnerability 00:12:33.419 --> 00:12:36.860 because you're less of a man because of it. But 00:12:36.860 --> 00:12:42.200 in reality, it teaches your kids You know, no 00:12:42.200 --> 00:12:46.139 matter what I can go to my dad because he's made 00:12:46.139 --> 00:12:50.799 mistakes. He may know what to do. Yeah, or You 00:12:50.799 --> 00:12:53.559 know dad doesn't always get it right, but he 00:12:53.559 --> 00:12:55.940 keeps going he doesn't give up and sit in it 00:12:55.940 --> 00:12:58.779 You know, he comes and sometimes it'd be easy 00:12:58.779 --> 00:13:03.000 to just stop and sit in it, right? But the legacy 00:13:03.000 --> 00:13:06.500 that you leave behind all because you can apologize 00:13:06.500 --> 00:13:09.440 to your kid when you do something wrong It just 00:13:09.440 --> 00:13:14.720 breaks a lot of cycles Yeah, it's like mistakes 00:13:14.720 --> 00:13:18.100 and failures can be teaching moments when you 00:13:18.100 --> 00:13:21.000 approach them with humility. Well, yeah, I don't 00:13:21.000 --> 00:13:25.259 and you know, parenting, whether you're a mom 00:13:25.259 --> 00:13:30.120 or a dad, there's no right or wrong. I mean, 00:13:30.179 --> 00:13:35.039 I'm sure there's right or wrong things to teach 00:13:35.039 --> 00:13:39.799 your kids, but you can't take this whole right 00:13:39.799 --> 00:13:45.039 or wrong aspect as an overall cap for parenting. 00:13:46.179 --> 00:13:50.139 Because just as you what may be right or wrong 00:13:50.139 --> 00:13:54.980 for Kaylin and how you discipline her is not 00:13:54.980 --> 00:14:00.100 a one size fits all for Trinity. No, you cannot 00:14:00.100 --> 00:14:06.139 treat the two the same. So, you know, they're 00:14:06.159 --> 00:14:09.120 there's I guess for lack of better words there's 00:14:09.120 --> 00:14:15.259 right and wrong but there's no um there's no 00:14:15.259 --> 00:14:19.419 set principle way to handle you can't blanket 00:14:19.419 --> 00:14:23.399 the response right and as as parents you know 00:14:23.399 --> 00:14:27.159 we're like well we're just gonna screw up everything 00:14:27.159 --> 00:14:32.639 and it's like but do we have to if we're honest 00:14:32.639 --> 00:14:36.580 with them and you apologize for things as you 00:14:36.580 --> 00:14:39.259 go you're both learning they've never been kids 00:14:39.259 --> 00:14:44.320 before so true we've never been parents before 00:14:44.320 --> 00:14:46.980 we're kind of learning all this together yep 00:14:46.980 --> 00:14:49.759 even with aiden it's a whole different they have 00:14:49.759 --> 00:14:53.240 a little boy who seems to be wanting to grab 00:14:53.240 --> 00:14:55.960 anything that he's not supposed to have right 00:14:55.960 --> 00:14:58.919 that's different the other two didn't do that 00:14:58.919 --> 00:15:04.139 so just because just because we've had We're 00:15:04.139 --> 00:15:07.820 in 10 years of parenting experience. They're 00:15:07.820 --> 00:15:09.879 each different. They're each different. So now 00:15:09.879 --> 00:15:11.980 it's almost like you're starting all over now 00:15:11.980 --> 00:15:18.639 with Aiden and you have to learn from raising 00:15:18.639 --> 00:15:22.500 Kalen and Trinity as far as you have and now 00:15:22.500 --> 00:15:25.960 tweak it now with Aiden. So, again, it goes back 00:15:25.960 --> 00:15:28.279 to there's no blanket response. No, parents are 00:15:28.279 --> 00:15:31.100 always learning. Parents are always learning 00:15:31.100 --> 00:15:33.620 every single day. Sometimes we learn things we 00:15:33.620 --> 00:15:36.919 don't want to learn. Well, that's true too. Sometimes 00:15:36.919 --> 00:15:39.379 we learn things that we didn't know we needed 00:15:39.379 --> 00:15:41.899 to know. No. Especially when your kids are telling 00:15:41.899 --> 00:15:47.360 you this. Needed, wanted. But I think, you know, 00:15:47.500 --> 00:15:52.480 you think of the idea of fathering through failure. 00:15:53.840 --> 00:15:59.379 and knowing that as I'll say as parents because 00:15:59.379 --> 00:16:03.879 more than just men could listen to this but this 00:16:03.879 --> 00:16:06.879 this season specifically I'm trying to target 00:16:06.879 --> 00:16:12.080 dads and young men we know failure is a part 00:16:12.080 --> 00:16:17.240 of life it's trying to learn how to take those 00:16:17.240 --> 00:16:27.409 failures and owning the failure, being able to 00:16:27.409 --> 00:16:33.509 apologize, being able to take grace even deeper, 00:16:34.210 --> 00:16:39.529 and I guess for me personally, the more grace 00:16:39.529 --> 00:16:44.070 that I know I have been shown, and we'll get 00:16:44.070 --> 00:16:48.309 to some topics later on, but to know the grace 00:16:48.309 --> 00:16:52.210 that I have been shown. it has caused me to turn 00:16:52.210 --> 00:16:58.509 around and show more grace as a dad. I feel like, 00:16:58.509 --> 00:17:02.809 and you can agree and attest to what, you know, 00:17:02.909 --> 00:17:05.789 you've lived with me for how many years, 13 years? 00:17:10.269 --> 00:17:15.990 I feel as if earlier on as a dad, I had a short 00:17:15.990 --> 00:17:24.049 fuse. And now, there may still be days when I 00:17:24.049 --> 00:17:26.269 have those short views. I think that's just called 00:17:26.269 --> 00:17:33.490 life and being human. But I think what I take 00:17:33.490 --> 00:17:40.309 to heart in my part of the journey now is hearing 00:17:40.309 --> 00:17:46.130 you, you tell me things as far as what you've 00:17:46.130 --> 00:17:52.849 seen me How do I say that? And how you've seen 00:17:52.849 --> 00:17:56.230 me be transformed. Right, how you've grown. How 00:17:56.230 --> 00:18:01.130 I've grown. And you're not one to sugarcoat things. 00:18:02.089 --> 00:18:03.950 Like you're going to lay it out. You wouldn't 00:18:03.950 --> 00:18:05.710 just tell me that to make me have a feel good 00:18:05.710 --> 00:18:11.970 day. No. And not just you, but for you to tell 00:18:11.970 --> 00:18:19.240 me conversations that the girls have had. I know 00:18:19.240 --> 00:18:21.819 even yesterday I'm not one that I wish I could 00:18:21.819 --> 00:18:26.779 be more emotional at times and show emotion a 00:18:26.779 --> 00:18:31.380 little bit more sometimes but like maybe that 00:18:31.380 --> 00:18:34.740 part was buried I don't know that's a whole prayerful 00:18:34.740 --> 00:18:37.380 thing for me but I remember even yesterday in 00:18:37.380 --> 00:18:41.700 the kitchen and I think you told me that you've 00:18:41.700 --> 00:18:45.059 told me this before about you wish the dad that 00:18:45.059 --> 00:18:48.329 Aiden has His age the girls would have had it 00:18:48.329 --> 00:18:52.049 theirs. Yeah, and I just got choked up over that 00:18:52.049 --> 00:18:56.549 Because I know that It goes back to this whole 00:18:56.549 --> 00:18:59.849 failure that I know I failed on so many areas 00:18:59.849 --> 00:19:05.509 But yet at the same time I know I'm bunny -hopping 00:19:05.509 --> 00:19:07.670 bunny -hopping everywhere, but I think all this 00:19:07.670 --> 00:19:11.470 is important Me knowing I failed that many times 00:19:11.470 --> 00:19:15.269 allows me to show grace to other people including 00:19:15.549 --> 00:19:21.990 my own kids like did you mess up sure am i frustrated 00:19:21.990 --> 00:19:28.670 probably but that doesn't change how i see you 00:19:28.670 --> 00:19:35.569 as my daughter or my son as he gets older well 00:19:35.569 --> 00:19:39.069 one thing that i've noticed too is you know a 00:19:39.069 --> 00:19:45.000 lot of times kids associate their worth by things 00:19:45.000 --> 00:19:50.519 they do. So, if they spill something or drop 00:19:50.519 --> 00:19:53.599 something or mess up something or break something, 00:19:55.220 --> 00:19:58.299 their automatic response is to look at you and 00:19:58.299 --> 00:20:01.779 they're trying to think, okay, how are they going 00:20:01.779 --> 00:20:04.019 to react? Am I going to get yelled at? Am I going 00:20:04.019 --> 00:20:10.700 to get fussed at? Are they going to freak out 00:20:10.700 --> 00:20:14.990 because did this or how bad am I in trouble because 00:20:14.990 --> 00:20:18.789 of it and you and you can see that real good 00:20:18.789 --> 00:20:23.450 with Trinity yeah she just kind of panics like 00:20:23.450 --> 00:20:28.210 there's the other day she all she did and I'm 00:20:28.210 --> 00:20:30.470 not afraid to talk about this because it's my 00:20:30.470 --> 00:20:33.730 past and my struggles that I've had to overcome 00:20:33.730 --> 00:20:38.990 but I looked at Trinity maybe it was Monday morning 00:20:40.160 --> 00:20:43.200 Maybe a Monday morning to think that she had 00:20:43.200 --> 00:20:45.819 come into the kitchen and was getting ice and 00:20:45.819 --> 00:20:48.700 just dropped ice in the floor and the look of 00:20:48.700 --> 00:20:53.880 Panic that she had on her face Yeah, I knew I 00:20:53.880 --> 00:20:57.480 had to change my respect number one and maybe 00:20:57.480 --> 00:21:01.880 before Man before I would have responded a lot 00:21:01.880 --> 00:21:05.859 differently and Again, my short fuse there, but 00:21:05.859 --> 00:21:10.450 I'm like trying it is just ice Like it's it'll 00:21:10.450 --> 00:21:13.289 melt into water like it's not going to hurt anything 00:21:13.289 --> 00:21:17.009 Just you know get it up and let's move on but 00:21:17.009 --> 00:21:22.650 it I knew That somewhere along the line I have 00:21:22.650 --> 00:21:26.130 done something as a dad to cause of that reaction 00:21:26.130 --> 00:21:34.650 So ooh This this is just hitting me as I'm talking 00:21:34.650 --> 00:21:45.200 about this So now that I've started this journey 00:21:45.200 --> 00:21:48.579 or whatever into allowing Holy Spirit to do the 00:21:48.579 --> 00:21:55.339 transformation needed, and He's worked on me 00:21:55.339 --> 00:22:01.039 a lot, there's a lot more to go, but now I look 00:22:01.039 --> 00:22:08.349 at it and she has my personality wrong. because 00:22:08.349 --> 00:22:13.430 she expects me to respond in a way that's not 00:22:13.430 --> 00:22:17.690 me, the real me. And is that not the same thing 00:22:17.690 --> 00:22:27.849 that we do to Papa? That we've casted this identity 00:22:27.849 --> 00:22:33.109 onto him that we expect him to respond to certain 00:22:33.109 --> 00:22:40.309 situations negatively. Well, it's just like when 00:22:40.309 --> 00:22:43.490 Trinity gets upset, you know, she has big feelings. 00:22:43.869 --> 00:22:46.549 She does. And she feels like she has to take 00:22:46.549 --> 00:22:50.690 it out by hitting. Yes. She's a very physical 00:22:50.690 --> 00:22:56.569 person. And so I remember, you know, having to 00:22:56.569 --> 00:23:00.710 discipline her for hitting her sister. And I 00:23:00.710 --> 00:23:04.509 remember sitting her down and I'm like, we can't. 00:23:04.460 --> 00:23:06.900 just because, you know, you have big feelings 00:23:06.900 --> 00:23:10.759 and you don't know what to do with them. We can't 00:23:10.759 --> 00:23:15.500 hit other people. Right. And I was like, when 00:23:15.500 --> 00:23:18.079 you feel that way, you know, come find mommy. 00:23:18.240 --> 00:23:21.420 We'll talk about it or walk away for a few minutes. 00:23:21.500 --> 00:23:24.420 You know, don't don't lash out because you can't 00:23:24.420 --> 00:23:29.900 control it. But she would start feeling like 00:23:29.900 --> 00:23:34.109 she was a bad kid. And so I always took the time 00:23:34.109 --> 00:23:38.950 to reiterate to her. I love you Doesn't change 00:23:38.950 --> 00:23:42.950 just because you hit someone and I'm having to 00:23:42.950 --> 00:23:46.789 teach you not to hit them Does not take away 00:23:46.789 --> 00:23:50.869 my love for you, right? You are still Trinity 00:23:50.869 --> 00:23:54.490 you're still love. We just can't hit people. 00:23:54.650 --> 00:23:58.150 Yeah, and I think like the look in her eyes is 00:23:58.150 --> 00:24:06.000 almost like Okay And so, you know, she's, you 00:24:06.000 --> 00:24:10.440 know, she just turned seven. So has she been 00:24:10.440 --> 00:24:14.200 hitting as much? No. Does she still get those 00:24:14.200 --> 00:24:19.599 moments? Yes. But she's learning to control emotions, 00:24:19.599 --> 00:24:24.079 you know. But just the look on her face, I don't 00:24:24.079 --> 00:24:26.880 know that I'll ever forget that look because 00:24:26.880 --> 00:24:31.819 her thinking she was in trouble meant Taken your 00:24:31.819 --> 00:24:37.480 love away Yeah, and You know, I just always like 00:24:37.480 --> 00:24:41.500 to reiterate this does not change How I love 00:24:41.500 --> 00:24:45.940 you like I love you. That's that's not even You 00:24:45.940 --> 00:24:49.460 know a question here. Yeah, but we can't hit 00:24:49.460 --> 00:24:56.440 people But that's a that's a big deal Obviously 00:24:56.440 --> 00:25:00.039 as a parent you have to discipline But you never 00:25:00.039 --> 00:25:05.039 want them to feel like that. And I know that 00:25:05.039 --> 00:25:12.240 I probably, through my actions, have given that 00:25:12.240 --> 00:25:17.940 message off. Not meaning to, not because I wanted 00:25:17.940 --> 00:25:25.039 to. It's just where I was. I guess to me it goes 00:25:25.039 --> 00:25:31.750 back to behavior follows identity. And the more 00:25:31.750 --> 00:25:43.170 that I'm coming into this space and The more 00:25:43.170 --> 00:25:45.650 that I'm coming into this space and realizing 00:25:45.650 --> 00:25:50.789 I Can't fix me and that's for anybody listening. 00:25:50.789 --> 00:25:55.450 You can't fix you It's impossible. I've tried 00:25:55.450 --> 00:25:59.569 it been there wore the t -shirts made the t -shirts 00:25:59.569 --> 00:26:04.230 it don't work you cannot fix yourself so the 00:26:04.230 --> 00:26:07.049 more i've leaned in lately and just allowed and 00:26:07.049 --> 00:26:11.109 and again going back to i'm using you and the 00:26:11.109 --> 00:26:13.170 kids as the reference point that there's been 00:26:13.170 --> 00:26:16.150 changed because and i've told you this before 00:26:16.150 --> 00:26:19.609 and i guess it's just human nature you don't 00:26:19.609 --> 00:26:27.009 see the change in yourself as quickly um it typically 00:26:27.009 --> 00:26:31.609 takes other people to notice and so for the people 00:26:31.609 --> 00:26:36.029 closest to you this is what you know going through 00:26:36.029 --> 00:26:38.410 some of the stuff we're going through right now 00:26:38.410 --> 00:26:43.589 in life it's funny to me because the people closest 00:26:43.589 --> 00:26:46.410 to me have been the ones that know me the best 00:26:46.410 --> 00:26:51.710 know me the best and can speak to the part of 00:26:51.710 --> 00:26:57.660 where I've changed other people this is my podcast 00:26:57.660 --> 00:27:01.279 like I said I want to um other people don't see 00:27:01.279 --> 00:27:06.079 that you know because they're not around a lot 00:27:06.079 --> 00:27:09.559 of people are quick to throw shade on things 00:27:09.559 --> 00:27:12.359 that they don't understand and don't care to 00:27:12.359 --> 00:27:18.660 find out about either very true um and that's 00:27:18.660 --> 00:27:23.059 that's just the facts of life but don't would 00:27:23.059 --> 00:27:27.339 I would encourage any dad or husband listening 00:27:27.339 --> 00:27:31.599 to not only can you not do it yourself and lean 00:27:31.599 --> 00:27:34.339 into the Holy Spirit but trust the voices of 00:27:34.339 --> 00:27:36.500 those who are close to you whether it be a spouse 00:27:36.500 --> 00:27:39.819 or a child or whoever knows you the best when 00:27:39.819 --> 00:27:45.000 they start saying hey I'm seeing a change because 00:27:45.000 --> 00:27:48.579 I'll be honest when you first started saying 00:27:48.579 --> 00:27:52.480 that I didn't know how to take it Because I couldn't 00:27:52.480 --> 00:27:56.000 see it yet. I didn't feel like anything was different, 00:27:56.460 --> 00:27:58.440 right? I think that's why you took a lot of it 00:27:58.440 --> 00:28:03.299 negatively. I just felt like I Felt like nothing 00:28:03.299 --> 00:28:04.980 has changed and I'm just now starting to get 00:28:04.980 --> 00:28:09.160 to the point where I can catch myself Okay, bonding 00:28:09.160 --> 00:28:12.859 perfect example is Coming into the house and 00:28:12.859 --> 00:28:15.099 it used to be that I would get in a tizzy if 00:28:15.099 --> 00:28:18.579 anything's out of order And not put in its place 00:28:19.180 --> 00:28:22.240 and now I'm sitting here looking there's Bubba's 00:28:22.240 --> 00:28:25.140 blankets and I don't know what else that is over 00:28:25.140 --> 00:28:28.960 there on the couch and there's and I'm not in 00:28:28.960 --> 00:28:34.799 this anxious mode the keys are not put up where 00:28:34.799 --> 00:28:37.019 they're supposed to be on the TV stand and I 00:28:37.019 --> 00:28:40.859 know this sounds stupid but if stuff was not 00:28:40.859 --> 00:28:43.660 in its rightful place I would have a chaotic 00:28:43.660 --> 00:28:47.339 fit and my wife can attest to this she's nodding 00:28:47.420 --> 00:28:51.279 at this present moment. But I'm sitting here 00:28:51.279 --> 00:28:54.059 now and looking at, okay, I even see Kalen's 00:28:54.059 --> 00:28:56.940 headphones sitting there in the TV stand. And 00:28:56.940 --> 00:29:00.440 I really, there's nothing in me that's like anxious 00:29:00.440 --> 00:29:05.599 about this. Like, I don't want my house nasty, 00:29:06.160 --> 00:29:10.359 and I don't think anybody does. But at the same 00:29:10.359 --> 00:29:14.799 time, like, I have three kids, and they live 00:29:14.799 --> 00:29:17.960 here. Do I want them to learn to pick it back 00:29:17.960 --> 00:29:19.859 to themselves like my daughter's tennis shoes 00:29:19.859 --> 00:29:22.660 that I'm looking at the floor She needs to learn 00:29:22.660 --> 00:29:26.099 to pick those up. Yes But I am not going to come 00:29:26.099 --> 00:29:29.859 in here guns blazing because everything's not 00:29:29.859 --> 00:29:33.460 put up Now do I still have moments like that? 00:29:33.579 --> 00:29:37.599 Probably I guess I do yeah But I don't feel like 00:29:37.599 --> 00:29:42.019 it's like all the time now No, and I noticed 00:29:42.019 --> 00:29:44.599 that and maybe it was a nudge from the Holy Spirit 00:29:44.599 --> 00:29:47.269 the other day When I come home and there was 00:29:47.269 --> 00:29:51.210 stuff all over the TV stand and I looked at it 00:29:51.210 --> 00:29:53.569 and it's like I just had this little internal 00:29:53.569 --> 00:29:58.410 nudge that said, did you catch that? And I'm 00:29:58.410 --> 00:30:02.109 like, did I catch what? I know I get attitude 00:30:02.109 --> 00:30:03.869 with the Holy Spirit comes in because like she 00:30:03.869 --> 00:30:07.410 asked questions and I'm like Catch what? Like 00:30:07.410 --> 00:30:08.809 I didn't know I was supposed to be paying attention 00:30:08.809 --> 00:30:13.109 to anything And I went back and looked again 00:30:13.109 --> 00:30:16.819 and I'm like, holy moly There's stuff on the 00:30:16.819 --> 00:30:21.359 TV stand and I'm not like, I'll get some of it 00:30:21.359 --> 00:30:24.299 picked up in a minute, but I'm not like, okay. 00:30:26.000 --> 00:30:28.960 So I can, I'm just now getting to that point 00:30:28.960 --> 00:30:34.400 of being able to catch small things in my journey 00:30:34.400 --> 00:30:40.240 that's like, that hasn't fazed me now. Again, 00:30:40.339 --> 00:30:42.319 not saying I want a nasty house, but at the same 00:30:42.319 --> 00:30:46.160 time, like we live here. And like I know you 00:30:46.160 --> 00:30:48.660 kids knows that you could clean up the house 00:30:48.660 --> 00:30:50.980 and like ten minutes later And I know you said 00:30:50.980 --> 00:30:53.900 this before too You've sent me videos and you 00:30:53.900 --> 00:30:55.859 know our thing is sending reels to each other 00:30:55.859 --> 00:30:59.920 and you know the whoever can send the most Typically, 00:30:59.980 --> 00:31:02.240 that's you unless I get on a good run and then 00:31:02.240 --> 00:31:07.559 I can send about 20 back -to -back but They're 00:31:07.559 --> 00:31:12.000 only gonna be kids living here so long And then 00:31:12.000 --> 00:31:17.319 at some point you're gonna miss it you know in 00:31:17.319 --> 00:31:23.599 10 -15 plus years the house can be as clean as 00:31:23.599 --> 00:31:25.799 you want it because there's nobody else here 00:31:25.799 --> 00:31:29.500 but us. So what you're saying is you really should 00:31:29.500 --> 00:31:32.799 take a picture of her shoes underneath the swing 00:31:32.799 --> 00:31:36.579 so that way like 10 more years from now you'll 00:31:36.579 --> 00:31:44.240 be able to relive it. Huh? I'm sorry, real moment 00:31:44.240 --> 00:31:47.980 here, you just confused the crap out of me. Because 00:31:47.980 --> 00:31:51.259 when they grow up and leave, she won't be here 00:31:51.259 --> 00:31:54.359 to leave her shoes around. So, in order to remember 00:31:54.359 --> 00:31:58.000 this moment, take pictures of that so you can 00:31:58.000 --> 00:32:00.339 relive it. It's true, and post pictures later 00:32:00.339 --> 00:32:03.259 about all that. This is true. I mean, you could 00:32:03.259 --> 00:32:05.779 even go back and pull it all out and put it in 00:32:05.779 --> 00:32:10.440 the exact spot. I could. I really could. But 00:32:10.440 --> 00:32:16.960 that's just... that's part of all this is trusting 00:32:16.960 --> 00:32:19.680 the voices around you so I've had to learn how 00:32:19.680 --> 00:32:27.539 to trust when you tell me hey I've seen a change 00:32:27.539 --> 00:32:32.720 in you right and understanding that you know 00:32:32.720 --> 00:32:35.519 number one you're not coming at a place of criticism 00:32:35.519 --> 00:32:39.839 you're even when you say hey you know you used 00:32:39.839 --> 00:32:43.369 to have responded and you've even you've even 00:32:43.369 --> 00:32:46.130 told me before about our relationship not just 00:32:46.130 --> 00:32:48.970 with the kids but there were times you've told 00:32:48.970 --> 00:32:52.390 me that I would have responded to you differently 00:32:52.390 --> 00:32:57.710 on some things and so I've had to take all this 00:32:57.710 --> 00:33:01.589 and number one learned that you're not criticizing 00:33:01.589 --> 00:33:07.650 me when you say this stuff but number two to 00:33:07.650 --> 00:33:11.680 trust that what you see is actually the truth 00:33:11.680 --> 00:33:16.900 of who I'm becoming. Even with you telling me 00:33:16.900 --> 00:33:19.420 conversations, even Kaylin's told you, it's like, 00:33:19.539 --> 00:33:23.599 I'll never forget this, this encounter with Trinity, 00:33:24.920 --> 00:33:27.339 whatever day I was off, for whatever reason, 00:33:28.759 --> 00:33:30.819 and being downstairs in her bedroom and I sit 00:33:30.819 --> 00:33:34.059 in her floor and she says, daddy, why are you 00:33:34.059 --> 00:33:37.640 in a good mood? You're never in a good mood. 00:33:39.160 --> 00:33:43.019 Like it was like a gut punch and oh moment all 00:33:43.019 --> 00:33:48.799 in one Because you realized Number one your kid 00:33:48.799 --> 00:33:51.440 has been used to you not being in a good mood 00:33:51.440 --> 00:33:55.220 It's a net to me. I guess it goes back to the 00:33:55.220 --> 00:33:58.400 same how we portray God that he's in a bad mood 00:33:58.400 --> 00:34:04.440 So I've trained my seven -year -old that daddy's 00:34:04.440 --> 00:34:08.300 not in a good mood, but yet something has transpired 00:34:08.510 --> 00:34:12.630 happened inside of me that the fruit of my life 00:34:12.630 --> 00:34:17.309 is teaching her that actually isn't a good move 00:34:17.309 --> 00:34:20.590 does that make sense yeah I mean you think about 00:34:20.590 --> 00:34:25.809 the testimony that they can testify to that they've 00:34:25.809 --> 00:34:32.889 seen God's work in your life and that should 00:34:32.889 --> 00:34:39.440 show them just how good God is That he changed 00:34:39.440 --> 00:34:44.300 my daddy Yeah, and you know, I've had the same 00:34:44.300 --> 00:34:46.159 type of conversation with my dad when we did 00:34:46.159 --> 00:34:51.820 the first episode here of You know me and dad 00:34:51.820 --> 00:34:58.440 has had those hard conversations And he knows 00:34:58.440 --> 00:35:01.699 and I know that he didn't get everything right 00:35:01.699 --> 00:35:07.670 but I guess as being a dad now looking back like 00:35:07.670 --> 00:35:11.909 I said previously our kids didn't come with the 00:35:11.909 --> 00:35:16.389 manual we've gotten stuff wrong I told him in 00:35:16.389 --> 00:35:21.289 our episode that I wholeheartedly believe that 00:35:21.289 --> 00:35:25.369 he did the best he could with what he knew and 00:35:25.369 --> 00:35:28.610 I think it's an important thing to remember as 00:35:28.610 --> 00:35:33.099 a man really as a parent in general is not beating 00:35:33.099 --> 00:35:39.460 yourself up because you've got stuff wrong. Did 00:35:39.460 --> 00:35:41.659 you do the best you could? I have to honestly 00:35:41.659 --> 00:35:46.900 say even from my own life and knowing there's 00:35:46.900 --> 00:35:51.519 failure, I feel like I still did the best I could 00:35:51.519 --> 00:35:55.840 with where I was at. And I know people always 00:35:55.840 --> 00:35:57.940 ask, you know, what would you do if you can go 00:35:57.940 --> 00:36:00.469 back and change anything, would you? and I don't 00:36:00.469 --> 00:36:04.309 know that I would because everything that I've 00:36:04.309 --> 00:36:07.329 gone through, been through, the hell that I've 00:36:07.329 --> 00:36:10.070 caused, everything else, it has got me to this 00:36:10.070 --> 00:36:13.730 point. Well, I think at some point, you know, 00:36:13.809 --> 00:36:18.070 cycles break somewhere, but you have to be willing 00:36:18.070 --> 00:36:23.210 to break down, you know, the hurt, the pain, 00:36:24.210 --> 00:36:28.800 all of the excuses and the crutches. That people 00:36:28.800 --> 00:36:31.320 use there's a lot of processing that goes into 00:36:31.320 --> 00:36:36.400 this you have to It's a big process because you 00:36:36.400 --> 00:36:38.820 have to be willing to put in the work for it. 00:36:38.820 --> 00:36:45.679 It's not for the week By any means because it's 00:36:45.679 --> 00:36:49.840 work But you know a lot of times you hear a lot 00:36:49.840 --> 00:36:52.860 of people say well, this is how my dad did it, 00:36:52.860 --> 00:36:56.860 okay That's great doesn't mean it should still 00:36:56.860 --> 00:37:01.059 be passed down Okay, well, I didn't have a dad 00:37:01.059 --> 00:37:05.760 so you know I don't have anything to go by Okay, 00:37:05.980 --> 00:37:08.260 well, that's great, but you have a Heavenly Father 00:37:08.260 --> 00:37:11.039 that you can learn about yeah, and Holy Spirit 00:37:11.039 --> 00:37:13.619 will teach you better than anybody else And so 00:37:13.619 --> 00:37:16.480 you know at some point the excuses for putting 00:37:16.480 --> 00:37:22.300 in the work Have to be tore down. Yeah And you 00:37:22.300 --> 00:37:26.840 have to really realize that, you know, you can 00:37:26.840 --> 00:37:32.159 break that cycle. Well, not you by yourself. 00:37:32.320 --> 00:37:36.639 I mean, you, along with, you know, the Holy Spirit 00:37:36.639 --> 00:37:41.099 will teach you, but you can break those cycles. 00:37:41.639 --> 00:37:46.380 Well, I think it's important, too, because of 00:37:46.380 --> 00:37:48.519 everything that you're saying, to reiterate this. 00:37:50.200 --> 00:37:52.840 There's I'm working on trying to make an e -course 00:37:52.840 --> 00:37:59.360 for men Really I'm just speaking back to My younger 00:37:59.360 --> 00:38:02.840 self really and trying to help men who may be 00:38:02.840 --> 00:38:06.139 in the same Predicament I've been in position. 00:38:06.139 --> 00:38:13.400 I've been in a similar way But one of the course 00:38:13.400 --> 00:38:17.300 one of the classes would be you cannot do it 00:38:18.500 --> 00:38:22.360 And I think there was a group of people that 00:38:22.360 --> 00:38:28.340 can take that. You can't do it. Stop trying to 00:38:28.340 --> 00:38:31.139 fix you. And they're like, oh, so there's nothing 00:38:31.139 --> 00:38:34.500 for me to do. There was nothing that I could 00:38:34.500 --> 00:38:39.920 do to fix me except learn how to and not having 00:38:39.920 --> 00:38:42.280 learned completely. I'm still I'm learning every 00:38:42.280 --> 00:38:45.960 day how to yield more to the Holy Spirit. Allow 00:38:45.960 --> 00:38:52.969 her to lead. the direction of my life that doesn't 00:38:52.969 --> 00:38:58.269 mean there's nothing for you to do because just 00:38:58.269 --> 00:39:01.809 like you said there's a process that has to be 00:39:01.809 --> 00:39:06.750 gone through but it's important for you to know 00:39:06.750 --> 00:39:10.889 that you can't do it the only thing i could ever 00:39:10.889 --> 00:39:13.070 do and it's the only answer i can tell anybody 00:39:13.070 --> 00:39:18.179 else is to learn how to yield Because I tried 00:39:18.179 --> 00:39:21.199 to fix me you couldn't I couldn't have wanted 00:39:21.199 --> 00:39:27.139 more to be the man that I'm becoming now I Couldn't 00:39:27.139 --> 00:39:29.480 have wanted that more badly, but just because 00:39:29.480 --> 00:39:33.300 I wanted it It was not me wanting it was not 00:39:33.300 --> 00:39:36.199 bringing forth change me trying to do it and 00:39:36.199 --> 00:39:39.559 discipline myself to do it Was not bringing the 00:39:39.559 --> 00:39:41.920 change it was when I was like, you know what? 00:39:42.360 --> 00:39:47.920 I can't do this throwing my heads up and learning 00:39:47.920 --> 00:39:56.760 to surrender and by surrendering and allowing 00:39:56.760 --> 00:40:00.519 Holy Spirit to do whatever needs to be done and 00:40:00.519 --> 00:40:02.280 just leaning into that process. There's been 00:40:02.280 --> 00:40:07.699 times it hurt. There's been times it felt overwhelming. 00:40:08.699 --> 00:40:12.250 There's been times when You know, maybe during 00:40:12.250 --> 00:40:14.809 the process you made them made a mistake or failed 00:40:14.809 --> 00:40:17.190 and it just feels like it just hit the ceiling 00:40:17.190 --> 00:40:22.849 and all hell broke loose because I'm just going 00:40:22.849 --> 00:40:24.429 backwards. I'm just gonna go back to the same 00:40:24.429 --> 00:40:28.730 old thing same old same old same old But then 00:40:28.730 --> 00:40:35.969 after Calm and down and understanding No, you're 00:40:35.969 --> 00:40:42.380 becoming that new creation Maybe you didn't have 00:40:42.380 --> 00:40:47.780 the best example. You know, for my life, I grew 00:40:47.780 --> 00:40:52.079 up in a split home. But I don't talk, I mean, 00:40:52.400 --> 00:40:55.099 I do and I don't talk a lot about it, but you 00:40:55.099 --> 00:40:56.659 know, even with churches, I grew up in a non 00:40:56.659 --> 00:40:58.519 -denominational church and a Baptist church. 00:40:59.860 --> 00:41:02.440 Church of God, I mean, all of the above. I grew 00:41:02.440 --> 00:41:06.980 up in it. A lot of split things going on there. 00:41:08.320 --> 00:41:10.800 a lot of learning how to keep the peace, a lot 00:41:10.800 --> 00:41:12.860 of learning how to keep people happy, a lot of 00:41:12.860 --> 00:41:16.619 learning how to, and I think this is why I struggle 00:41:16.619 --> 00:41:20.860 with myself today, a lot of learning how to shut 00:41:20.860 --> 00:41:24.320 down my emotions, and not realizing that's what 00:41:24.320 --> 00:41:27.659 you're doing as a kid, to now when you're 35 00:41:27.659 --> 00:41:33.579 and struggle to display your emotions. But all 00:41:33.579 --> 00:41:38.119 of this, learning how and I don't know how to 00:41:38.119 --> 00:41:41.719 tell people I don't know how the right words 00:41:41.719 --> 00:41:45.099 are to do this but just learning simply to yield 00:41:45.099 --> 00:41:50.079 to the Lordship of the Holy Spirit and letting 00:41:50.079 --> 00:41:53.840 the Holy Spirit do whatever needs to be done 00:41:53.840 --> 00:41:58.099 it kind of reminds me of the movie The Shack 00:41:58.099 --> 00:42:02.920 when they take Mac to the garden and he has to 00:42:02.920 --> 00:42:09.000 pull out I love that part. The poisonous part. 00:42:11.980 --> 00:42:14.119 They were all there with him. The Trinity was 00:42:14.119 --> 00:42:16.340 there with Mac in the moment, but Mac had to 00:42:16.340 --> 00:42:21.619 be the one to pull it out and then get it. And 00:42:21.619 --> 00:42:23.940 that's the same thing I feel like he does to 00:42:23.940 --> 00:42:27.699 you. And I can only speak to my story. The same 00:42:27.699 --> 00:42:31.199 thing I feel like he's had to do through me is 00:42:31.199 --> 00:42:35.780 to take me to those spots. and allow me to dig 00:42:35.780 --> 00:42:40.480 down and pull that up. And learning that I can't 00:42:40.480 --> 00:42:43.980 hold that, I have to let it go. Those are the 00:42:43.980 --> 00:42:48.420 deep ones. The very deep ones. The surface level 00:42:48.420 --> 00:42:51.179 roots, you know, don't mean a whole lot. Those 00:42:51.179 --> 00:42:55.139 are easy to kind of pick up, pluck out, but when 00:42:55.139 --> 00:42:59.780 you get to the root of it, the deep one. It reminds 00:42:59.780 --> 00:43:02.159 me, you know, I'll just share some personal stuff 00:43:02.159 --> 00:43:05.030 because I think this is what helped people and 00:43:05.030 --> 00:43:10.769 it's my testimony so but I can remember years 00:43:10.769 --> 00:43:15.409 ago that before we got married and hearing the 00:43:15.409 --> 00:43:18.610 prophecy that Janet German actually spoke over 00:43:18.610 --> 00:43:21.889 still haven't typed up downstairs and she said 00:43:21.889 --> 00:43:24.030 something she said there are some things I have 00:43:24.030 --> 00:43:31.300 to uproot and tear down well I was used to just 00:43:31.300 --> 00:43:33.820 like I have we try to have our kids do pull weeds 00:43:33.820 --> 00:43:36.880 I'm used to the kind of weeds that we have around 00:43:36.880 --> 00:43:40.960 the house you just pull them up you know sometimes 00:43:40.960 --> 00:43:42.739 it may be harder for them depending on what it 00:43:42.739 --> 00:43:44.920 is but most of them you get out pretty easily 00:43:44.920 --> 00:43:50.280 um but I can remember going with mom to uh Lisa 00:43:50.280 --> 00:43:54.480 and Danny's house to get it wasn't monkey grass 00:43:54.480 --> 00:43:58.440 I don't think Well some kind of plant I had to 00:43:58.440 --> 00:44:03.699 go get and I had to get a shovel and work hard 00:44:03.699 --> 00:44:09.699 to get that plant up and while we're doing that 00:44:09.699 --> 00:44:13.739 I feel the Holy Spirit speak to me and say now 00:44:13.739 --> 00:44:18.320 do you understand and I'm again I'm in that point 00:44:18.320 --> 00:44:23.219 of understand what and it brought back the memory 00:44:23.219 --> 00:44:28.659 of things I have to uproot. And like the Holy 00:44:28.659 --> 00:44:31.519 Spirit began to begin to speak and said you thought 00:44:31.519 --> 00:44:33.840 I was talking about these little bitty plants 00:44:33.840 --> 00:44:37.480 and this is what I'm talking about of things 00:44:37.480 --> 00:44:41.820 that I need to uproot out of your life and tear 00:44:41.820 --> 00:44:46.659 down stuff that you have to go deep down in the 00:44:46.659 --> 00:44:53.300 soil to get. When you think about it that surface 00:44:53.300 --> 00:44:58.650 level Like that plant, the root is so deep that 00:44:58.650 --> 00:45:02.550 it destroys a lot of the ground around it. Yeah. 00:45:03.710 --> 00:45:07.610 That's good. So it's not always easy and a lot 00:45:07.610 --> 00:45:13.369 of times it causes a lot of shaking in your foundation. 00:45:15.429 --> 00:45:18.050 But once they get it out, then you can start 00:45:18.050 --> 00:45:24.440 filling in that hole with good soil, new you've 00:45:24.440 --> 00:45:27.659 got the you know you start filling in that hole 00:45:27.659 --> 00:45:36.199 yeah there's some other places I could go but 00:45:36.199 --> 00:45:42.619 I want to save that for a later podcast let me 00:45:42.619 --> 00:45:45.960 let me add this to this one because it spoke 00:45:45.960 --> 00:45:50.820 volumes to me and If you get mad at me for sharing 00:45:50.820 --> 00:45:53.460 it so be it but I can remember when you came 00:45:53.460 --> 00:45:58.960 back home from Spending the day at your dad And 00:45:58.960 --> 00:46:04.920 you told me to never I Don't forget how you put 00:46:04.920 --> 00:46:07.659 it maybe you can remind me but never take for 00:46:07.659 --> 00:46:11.639 granted what it means to tell my kids That you're 00:46:11.639 --> 00:46:16.159 proud of them basically Yeah, because your dad 00:46:16.159 --> 00:46:20.010 told you that that day and at 30 five years old 00:46:20.010 --> 00:46:28.369 that still speak the volume so i would say to 00:46:28.369 --> 00:46:32.530 dads listening to even just a mom listening never 00:46:32.530 --> 00:46:35.289 take for granted the power of your words even 00:46:35.289 --> 00:46:40.190 to adult children because it still does something 00:46:40.190 --> 00:46:48.739 when a parent says i'm proud of you yeah It's 00:46:48.739 --> 00:46:50.579 something I'm still trying to learn how to be 00:46:50.579 --> 00:46:56.380 better at with our kids is Taking the time to 00:46:56.380 --> 00:47:02.840 slow down And just tell them I'm proud of you 00:47:02.840 --> 00:47:05.739 For when and I love what I think is Trinity mostly 00:47:05.739 --> 00:47:08.380 that does it when I say I'm proud of you for 00:47:08.380 --> 00:47:12.000 what? Just because you're my daughter like that 00:47:12.000 --> 00:47:16.360 that should be enough like You don't have to 00:47:16.360 --> 00:47:20.780 do anything for me to be proud of you. Right. 00:47:21.599 --> 00:47:32.079 I'm proud of you because of who you are. Trying 00:47:32.079 --> 00:47:35.159 to think how to close this. We've been going 00:47:35.159 --> 00:47:42.219 at least 45 minutes. The thing that's important 00:47:42.219 --> 00:47:46.789 to remember that kids learn how to handle mistakes 00:47:46.789 --> 00:47:52.650 by watching their fathers. I think you alluded 00:47:52.650 --> 00:47:58.750 to that earlier about they saw how I was vulnerable 00:47:58.750 --> 00:48:02.110 in a moment. And so that teaches them how they 00:48:02.110 --> 00:48:05.309 can do that too. Because if that can come to 00:48:05.309 --> 00:48:09.010 me to apologize, then I can go to him with my 00:48:09.010 --> 00:48:18.170 issues. Yeah. And I think grace at home mirrors 00:48:18.170 --> 00:48:23.489 the heart of Papa. Well, they can't show grace 00:48:23.489 --> 00:48:30.829 if they never receive it. Yeah. And there's a 00:48:30.829 --> 00:48:33.750 couple of verses that just stand out. One, you 00:48:33.750 --> 00:48:35.849 know, for though the righteous fall seven times, 00:48:35.889 --> 00:48:39.150 they rise again. And I feel like I have been 00:48:39.150 --> 00:48:43.900 that one to fall seven times. And I'm not saying 00:48:43.900 --> 00:48:48.440 it's been easy to get up every time, but I feel 00:48:48.440 --> 00:48:50.900 like I can sit here tonight and say I have gotten 00:48:50.900 --> 00:49:01.219 back up every single time. As hard as it may 00:49:01.219 --> 00:49:06.260 have been, as long as sometimes it may have took, 00:49:06.440 --> 00:49:14.059 I would wipe myself off and get back up. I think 00:49:14.059 --> 00:49:16.599 that speaks volume to your kids when they see 00:49:16.599 --> 00:49:28.139 their dad get back up. Let me look at some of 00:49:28.139 --> 00:49:30.139 my notes and see if there's anything else that 00:49:30.139 --> 00:49:36.699 I want to. Let me ask you this question and see 00:49:36.699 --> 00:49:41.710 what your answer would be. I'll mention this 00:49:41.710 --> 00:49:44.010 one first. In what ways can admitting fault strengthen 00:49:44.010 --> 00:49:45.750 your relationship with your kids? I think we 00:49:45.750 --> 00:49:51.510 addressed that. I think it goes back to what 00:49:51.510 --> 00:49:54.469 you said a while ago. If they never see grace, 00:49:54.590 --> 00:49:58.429 then they can't mirror grace. I think that plays 00:49:58.429 --> 00:50:02.849 a big part of that. But how can you invite God's 00:50:02.849 --> 00:50:15.079 grace into your parenting on a daily basis? I 00:50:15.079 --> 00:50:18.960 Guess I would say which I know that we have done 00:50:18.960 --> 00:50:27.579 sometimes it's in discipline sometimes I Think 00:50:27.579 --> 00:50:34.400 there are times when Maybe a punishment or something 00:50:34.400 --> 00:50:39.739 could be a Lot harder, but you dismiss you dismiss 00:50:39.739 --> 00:50:42.800 it, you know you show them and you tell them 00:50:42.800 --> 00:50:46.760 you know like this is what should happen but 00:50:46.760 --> 00:50:51.260 you know i'm showing you grace this time because 00:50:51.260 --> 00:50:55.019 you you know maybe they did something that you've 00:50:55.019 --> 00:50:56.739 told that they've done before and you've told 00:50:56.739 --> 00:50:59.619 them not to do it but yet they've done it again 00:50:59.619 --> 00:51:07.079 um and you say you know do you remember when 00:51:07.079 --> 00:51:09.519 you did this last time and i told you this is 00:51:09.519 --> 00:51:12.690 what would happen maybe they remember what the 00:51:12.690 --> 00:51:15.730 punishment was gonna be and they're expecting 00:51:15.730 --> 00:51:21.510 it but then you show them grace and say you know 00:51:21.510 --> 00:51:24.889 okay I'm gonna give you one more one more time 00:51:24.889 --> 00:51:29.630 or something I forget what it was with the story 00:51:29.630 --> 00:51:34.349 with what you did with K -1 With exactly where 00:51:34.349 --> 00:51:37.190 I was going at because what the more you talk? 00:51:37.190 --> 00:51:40.570 Yeah, when we went down to the art that Sunday 00:51:40.570 --> 00:51:44.409 It was coming back home. We stopped to get lunch 00:51:44.409 --> 00:51:48.469 at Bojangles I mean Donald's was next door. So 00:51:48.469 --> 00:51:50.690 we was going to order I think we ordered a milkshake 00:51:50.690 --> 00:51:55.550 and an ice cream cone, but Kailin would not share 00:51:55.550 --> 00:52:00.130 her tablet believe it was and So we had a conversation 00:52:00.130 --> 00:52:02.989 with that And then she finally did, but there 00:52:02.989 --> 00:52:08.230 was a lot of attitude preteen involved with it. 00:52:08.570 --> 00:52:10.650 And so I said, no, I said, that does not count. 00:52:10.730 --> 00:52:13.389 I said, because you had a lot of attitude. I 00:52:13.389 --> 00:52:15.650 said, just important of you being obedient is 00:52:15.650 --> 00:52:21.289 how you're obedient. Like, just because you did 00:52:21.289 --> 00:52:24.829 what I asked, it was the attitude behind how 00:52:24.829 --> 00:52:31.170 you did it that was not okay. So. What did I 00:52:31.170 --> 00:52:33.809 do as that? I took that as a teaching opportunity. 00:52:34.289 --> 00:52:36.969 And I said, we're going to go next door to get 00:52:36.969 --> 00:52:41.530 ice cream. Kalen, you're not getting any. And 00:52:41.530 --> 00:52:44.090 the whole time, just for everybody out there 00:52:44.090 --> 00:52:46.869 saying, that's just horrible. I knew I was getting 00:52:46.869 --> 00:52:51.989 her ice cream too. But it was funny even during 00:52:51.989 --> 00:52:56.389 that conversation and that whole interaction 00:52:56.389 --> 00:53:00.860 that Trinity began to say. I want my sister to 00:53:00.860 --> 00:53:05.000 have ice cream too. And that, I did not expect 00:53:05.000 --> 00:53:09.940 that. That amazed me. And so once we got Bojangles, 00:53:09.980 --> 00:53:12.199 we went to next door to McDonald's, got ice cream, 00:53:13.340 --> 00:53:16.139 got it all. Kaylin, of course, crying and was 00:53:16.139 --> 00:53:18.820 upset saying that she's sorry. I can't stand 00:53:18.820 --> 00:53:21.500 for my kids to say they're sorry because I feel 00:53:21.500 --> 00:53:23.860 like that's labeling themselves and giving them 00:53:23.860 --> 00:53:28.429 an identity of I'm sorry. That's something I'm 00:53:28.429 --> 00:53:30.909 trying to figure out how to teach appropriately, 00:53:32.889 --> 00:53:37.610 but we all got our ice cream. I handed everybody 00:53:37.610 --> 00:53:41.949 out except for Kaylin's and then I handed her 00:53:41.949 --> 00:53:44.750 the ice cream and explained to her this is great. 00:53:45.730 --> 00:53:48.530 I said because based on how you treated your 00:53:48.530 --> 00:53:52.750 sister and the attitude that you had, you did 00:53:52.750 --> 00:53:57.269 nothing to deserve this. But because we love 00:53:57.269 --> 00:54:01.429 you, you get it anyhow. And the look in her eyes, 00:54:01.769 --> 00:54:05.969 though. Yes. It's like she got it. You know, 00:54:05.989 --> 00:54:11.869 it's like, oh, I get what this is now. Yep. And 00:54:11.869 --> 00:54:17.230 even she even thanked us for it. Yeah. And the 00:54:17.230 --> 00:54:19.909 whole rest of the way home and I'm pretty sure 00:54:19.909 --> 00:54:22.530 the rest of that day, she was so good to her 00:54:22.530 --> 00:54:27.179 sister. Her attitude was much different. So just 00:54:27.179 --> 00:54:34.480 some practical takeaways from this episode. As 00:54:34.480 --> 00:54:39.500 a dad, as a parent, learn how to apologize quickly 00:54:39.500 --> 00:54:42.559 and show kids humility and action. Be vulnerable 00:54:42.559 --> 00:54:46.619 with your kids. Be vulnerable with your spouse. 00:54:49.260 --> 00:54:51.860 I think that's how trust is built, is learning 00:54:51.860 --> 00:54:56.780 how to Maybe this will hurt if I let you in this 00:54:56.780 --> 00:55:02.840 space. But I need to let you in this space. Does 00:55:02.840 --> 00:55:09.139 that make sense? Use failure as a teaching tool. 00:55:09.380 --> 00:55:14.579 Failure is a part of life. We all fail. What 00:55:14.579 --> 00:55:16.019 are you going to do with the failure? Are you 00:55:16.019 --> 00:55:19.159 going to let it identify who you are? Are you 00:55:19.159 --> 00:55:22.909 going to dust yourself off? Get back up? And 00:55:22.909 --> 00:55:25.230 let's keep moving forward. It's what you do after. 00:55:25.369 --> 00:55:29.769 It's what you do after. Exactly right. Frame 00:55:29.769 --> 00:55:33.349 mistakes as an opportunity for growth. You know, 00:55:33.389 --> 00:55:35.889 lean on grace. Remind yourself and your kids 00:55:35.889 --> 00:55:38.650 that perfection is not the goal, connection and 00:55:38.650 --> 00:55:44.769 growth are. Never, never try to teach your kids 00:55:44.769 --> 00:55:47.409 that they have to be perfect. And I feel like 00:55:47.409 --> 00:55:52.119 in my previous season that Maybe I portrayed 00:55:52.119 --> 00:55:56.340 that they needed to be perfect. I think Kailin 00:55:56.340 --> 00:55:59.440 struggles with that more than anything. You know, 00:55:59.639 --> 00:56:02.460 the perfection part. One thing that I had heard 00:56:02.460 --> 00:56:07.500 before is, you know, we wake up some days and 00:56:07.500 --> 00:56:10.059 we're just having a bad day. You know, maybe 00:56:10.059 --> 00:56:12.460 our fuse is a little shorter. Maybe we're just 00:56:12.460 --> 00:56:14.579 annoyed for some reason. We didn't sleep good, 00:56:14.780 --> 00:56:18.119 but we wake up and we expect our kids never to 00:56:18.119 --> 00:56:22.929 have one. That's true. That's true. So it's like, 00:56:22.969 --> 00:56:27.389 remember when you're parenting, you know, maybe 00:56:27.389 --> 00:56:29.989 their attitude and I think I've said this before, 00:56:30.250 --> 00:56:32.449 you know, a lot of times we're the ones who label 00:56:32.449 --> 00:56:36.530 our kids. Yeah. We put labels on them as the 00:56:36.530 --> 00:56:41.150 disrespectful or they are being sarcastic or 00:56:41.150 --> 00:56:43.610 they're, you know, back talking. Well, a lot 00:56:43.610 --> 00:56:48.670 of time kids, I mean, especially six, seven years 00:56:48.670 --> 00:56:52.940 old, they don't know what that is. No. so a lot 00:56:52.940 --> 00:56:59.159 of times my oldest or our oldest is very literal 00:56:59.159 --> 00:57:02.619 you know so she may ask a question and it comes 00:57:02.619 --> 00:57:07.099 off as attitude or being smart yes but she's 00:57:07.099 --> 00:57:10.480 she's been innocent yeah and so we put that label 00:57:10.480 --> 00:57:13.599 on them sometimes and then we expect them you 00:57:13.599 --> 00:57:19.070 know we react because that's how We treat other 00:57:19.070 --> 00:57:24.250 people sometimes, but yet kids have to learn 00:57:24.250 --> 00:57:31.949 that. We expect them to get up every day and 00:57:31.949 --> 00:57:35.849 be in a good mood so that way we don't have to 00:57:35.849 --> 00:57:41.489 parent or do our job to teach them because maybe 00:57:41.489 --> 00:57:44.010 our fuse is shorter or we're annoyed or something 00:57:44.010 --> 00:57:47.590 from where they have met their word quota for 00:57:47.590 --> 00:57:54.070 the day i'm sure yes um but you know just have 00:57:54.070 --> 00:57:58.409 some grace just grace is like the biggest the 00:57:58.409 --> 00:58:04.150 biggest thing with kids is there's just there's 00:58:04.150 --> 00:58:10.769 so much put on them at such an early age yeah 00:58:10.769 --> 00:58:20.829 that kids are no longer kids That's true. So 00:58:20.829 --> 00:58:25.329 again, perfection's not the goal. Connection 00:58:25.329 --> 00:58:31.650 and growth are. Stay consistent. That's another 00:58:31.650 --> 00:58:37.929 one. Failure is not final unless you quit. You 00:58:37.929 --> 00:58:41.449 know, there's times that I have failed, I have 00:58:41.449 --> 00:58:44.369 fallen, and the only time that would have become 00:58:44.369 --> 00:58:47.550 final was if I had quit and refuse to get back 00:58:47.550 --> 00:58:51.369 up again and sit and just wallowed in whatever 00:58:51.369 --> 00:58:57.230 my pity or whatever else. So get back up, shake 00:58:57.230 --> 00:59:04.070 it off, apologize, be vulnerable, show the humility 00:59:04.070 --> 00:59:10.889 part. Your failures don't define you. Learn how 00:59:10.889 --> 00:59:15.780 to father through the failure. Colors don't define 00:59:15.780 --> 00:59:22.579 you grace does Anything else you want to add 00:59:22.579 --> 00:59:29.380 You good Thank you Again, I always enjoy these 00:59:29.380 --> 00:59:32.059 conversations. I enjoy having conversations with 00:59:32.059 --> 00:59:34.300 these podcasts, but I enjoy talking to you more 00:59:34.300 --> 00:59:37.480 than anybody else Just so you know don't let 00:59:37.480 --> 00:59:43.070 that go to your head I'm just so happy for you 00:59:43.070 --> 00:59:45.989 because you have to live with me, so I would 00:59:45.989 --> 00:59:49.210 hope that you would enjoy hearing me talk. I 00:59:49.210 --> 00:59:51.849 will close in prayer before it gets really deep 00:59:51.849 --> 01:00:00.130 again. I'll pray over the men, the fathers, and 01:00:00.130 --> 01:00:03.190 again if you're a mom listen to this or whatever, 01:00:03.949 --> 01:00:06.070 you can take stuff that we've talked about and 01:00:06.070 --> 01:00:10.750 apply it just as much. But father we thank you. 01:00:10.809 --> 01:00:15.730 that your grace does cover our weakness. Teach 01:00:15.730 --> 01:00:20.469 us how to father through failure. Teach us how 01:00:20.469 --> 01:00:25.090 to show our children your love even in our mistakes. 01:00:27.389 --> 01:00:30.530 How to show them your love and your grace, your 01:00:30.530 --> 01:00:35.349 mercy, your goodness. And help us to rise again 01:00:35.349 --> 01:00:40.360 and point them back to you. Above all else help, 01:00:40.360 --> 01:00:45.960 but help them see you in us In Jesus name we 01:00:45.960 --> 01:00:47.239 pray Amen