WEBVTT 00:00:02.000 --> 00:00:07.059 Hi everyone, and welcome back to the Jewish Tripper, 00:00:07.440 --> 00:00:10.919 Raw and Real with Ala Kaplan. I'm Ala Kaplan 00:00:10.919 --> 00:00:17.339 in case you can't tell. In any case, today, thank 00:00:17.339 --> 00:00:21.100 you for all the subscribers, followers, listeners. 00:00:21.960 --> 00:00:27.839 I love you all so much. I'm actually a little... 00:00:27.920 --> 00:00:33.119 Excited because I had an analytics this morning. 00:00:33.119 --> 00:00:38.259 I looked at I had 55 downloads in 24 hours That 00:00:38.259 --> 00:00:41.679 was that what's a little bit crazy and shocking 00:00:41.679 --> 00:00:46.939 and surprising. So thank you everybody so happy 00:00:46.939 --> 00:00:52.320 Passover Happy Easter happy everything whatever 00:00:52.320 --> 00:00:57.560 you celebrate and have a very special guest today 00:00:57.920 --> 00:01:04.140 Her name is Darcy Birch and she is a podcaster. 00:01:04.680 --> 00:01:11.959 She's a mom. She's a best -selling author and 00:01:11.959 --> 00:01:16.799 giving you a little bio. She is the owner of 00:01:16.799 --> 00:01:20.519 the podcast, The School of Hard Knocks with Darcy. 00:01:21.340 --> 00:01:26.189 Is that correct? That's correct. Perfect. So 00:01:26.189 --> 00:01:30.409 Darcy is the host of the School of the Hard Knocks 00:01:30.409 --> 00:01:34.989 podcast, NLP practitioner. I'm not sure I know 00:01:34.989 --> 00:01:38.769 what NLP stands for. What are all linguistic 00:01:38.769 --> 00:01:43.950 programming? Okay, cool. We'll talk about that 00:01:43.950 --> 00:01:48.530 and what that entails. She's a clinical hypnosis 00:01:48.530 --> 00:01:54.019 practitioner, transformational coach. dedicated 00:01:54.019 --> 00:01:58.299 to helping people get unstuck from trauma and 00:01:58.299 --> 00:02:03.959 grounded in healing. After navigating her own 00:02:03.959 --> 00:02:07.340 journey through loss, caregiving, and personal 00:02:07.340 --> 00:02:12.039 transformation, Darcy now uses her voice, story, 00:02:12.080 --> 00:02:16.719 and tools to guide others toward emotional freedom, 00:02:17.340 --> 00:02:20.680 self -leadership, and lasting change. Through 00:02:20.680 --> 00:02:25.259 her work, She creates safe, empowering spaces 00:02:25.259 --> 00:02:29.379 where real conversations happen, helping people 00:02:29.379 --> 00:02:34.199 move from survival mode into a life of clarity, 00:02:34.560 --> 00:02:39.120 confidence, and purpose. She also has two books 00:02:39.120 --> 00:02:45.199 out, Empower Her Volume 1 and Empower Her Powerhouse 00:02:45.199 --> 00:02:50.280 Edition. Darcy, welcome. Thank you so much for 00:02:50.280 --> 00:02:53.840 having me here. Thank you for your patience with 00:02:53.840 --> 00:02:59.340 me with the tech. No worries. I'm very excited 00:02:59.340 --> 00:03:05.400 to have you because you have done so much. So 00:03:05.400 --> 00:03:11.460 talk about your journey from survival mode to 00:03:11.460 --> 00:03:16.550 now the healing mode you're in. Yeah, I mean, 00:03:16.729 --> 00:03:21.069 it's been quite the journey. So my trauma stems 00:03:21.069 --> 00:03:23.650 all the way back to my very first memory at four 00:03:23.650 --> 00:03:28.710 years old. So I grew up in a abusive household 00:03:28.710 --> 00:03:31.449 with a father that abused drugs and alcohol, 00:03:31.689 --> 00:03:35.569 my mother and all of my siblings, which there 00:03:35.569 --> 00:03:39.189 are eight. Um, and then myself, so I'm the oldest 00:03:39.189 --> 00:03:42.479 of eight siblings. So that carried all the way 00:03:42.479 --> 00:03:45.460 through my childhood until the age of 16 when 00:03:45.460 --> 00:03:49.719 my parents finally got divorced. It was the best 00:03:49.719 --> 00:03:51.300 thing that could have happened for either one 00:03:51.300 --> 00:03:55.280 of them because it was very unhealthy. However, 00:03:55.580 --> 00:04:00.840 my mom ended up meeting another man who was not 00:04:00.840 --> 00:04:04.460 all that great of a man. And she ended up separating 00:04:04.460 --> 00:04:09.199 all of my siblings between my dad's family, which 00:04:09.550 --> 00:04:11.930 was always kind of interesting to me because 00:04:11.930 --> 00:04:15.330 my dad had his own trauma from the way he was 00:04:15.330 --> 00:04:17.629 raised, which a lot of us do, right? A lot of 00:04:17.629 --> 00:04:20.430 us don't break generational curses. We kind of 00:04:20.430 --> 00:04:23.529 go through life by what our formative years taught 00:04:23.529 --> 00:04:28.430 us. And so I emancipated myself. I actually initially 00:04:28.430 --> 00:04:32.290 put myself into the foster care system. But then 00:04:32.290 --> 00:04:35.629 I emancipated myself at 17 years old and started 00:04:35.629 --> 00:04:37.649 paying bills before I was even old enough to 00:04:37.649 --> 00:04:44.000 vote. What a story. Yeah, it was pretty rocky 00:04:44.000 --> 00:04:47.000 for, you know, those years of growing up before 00:04:47.000 --> 00:04:51.279 you even started. From a lot of tumultuous circumstances. 00:04:52.300 --> 00:04:56.860 Yes. And I mean, if you'd rather be in the foster 00:04:56.860 --> 00:05:01.819 system than at home with your family, that says 00:05:01.819 --> 00:05:05.259 a lot. Yeah, that's actually what my caseworker, 00:05:05.339 --> 00:05:07.459 when I had went to her and said, you know, this 00:05:07.459 --> 00:05:10.040 is what I... I'm thinking I want to do, she said, 00:05:10.500 --> 00:05:13.699 I have never had any child ever asked to go into 00:05:13.699 --> 00:05:16.819 foster care. And I said, well, I want a chance. 00:05:17.339 --> 00:05:20.300 I want a chance. I haven't been taught how I'm 00:05:20.300 --> 00:05:22.339 supposed to enter this world here in less than 00:05:22.339 --> 00:05:25.500 a year that I don't know. I don't know if you've 00:05:25.500 --> 00:05:30.040 seen the movie Stepbrothers or not, but there's 00:05:30.040 --> 00:05:33.029 a part. Yeah, it's a real funny movie, but there's 00:05:33.029 --> 00:05:36.269 a part in it where Will Ferrell is an adult, 00:05:36.269 --> 00:05:39.050 but he's never been forced to be one. And he's 00:05:39.050 --> 00:05:40.730 asking his therapist, like, what do I do? Do 00:05:40.730 --> 00:05:43.230 I carry my diploma around with me everywhere? 00:05:43.410 --> 00:05:46.569 How do you adult? You know, I didn't know how 00:05:46.569 --> 00:05:51.370 to adult. So that was the chance I took. I understand. 00:05:52.269 --> 00:05:54.949 I mean, I didn't grow up in an abusive household, 00:05:55.110 --> 00:06:01.430 but I was molested as a child also. by two different 00:06:01.430 --> 00:06:05.449 people. It wasn't an ongoing thing, but in any 00:06:05.449 --> 00:06:09.990 case, one of my first memories was of being molested. 00:06:10.110 --> 00:06:14.730 That's one of my memories as a child. So I can 00:06:14.730 --> 00:06:18.610 understand, I can completely relate. And so I 00:06:18.610 --> 00:06:21.550 never thought about emancipation because that 00:06:21.550 --> 00:06:24.430 wasn't, I just kind of like, you know, it was 00:06:24.430 --> 00:06:27.829 running away from home. Yeah. Oh, I had done 00:06:27.829 --> 00:06:30.610 that. I had done that several times too, but 00:06:30.610 --> 00:06:33.829 then after my parents divorced, you know, my 00:06:33.829 --> 00:06:36.209 mom separated our whole family up and ended up 00:06:36.209 --> 00:06:38.430 living with the man that she would eventually 00:06:38.430 --> 00:06:41.529 marry. And I just did not want to be in that 00:06:41.529 --> 00:06:43.850 situation. You know, I was able to stay with 00:06:43.850 --> 00:06:46.970 my mom because I was 16. I was working, I was 00:06:46.970 --> 00:06:50.689 old enough to do the things, but it just, I didn't, 00:06:50.689 --> 00:06:52.350 you know, like I said, I didn't know what the 00:06:52.350 --> 00:06:54.740 heck I was supposed to be doing. So I thought, 00:06:54.819 --> 00:06:57.620 well, emancipation. After two foster homes, I 00:06:57.620 --> 00:07:00.079 mean, I put myself in the first foster home and 00:07:00.079 --> 00:07:03.360 that foster home was not good. it's really unfortunate 00:07:03.360 --> 00:07:05.800 that some people are able to foster children 00:07:05.800 --> 00:07:08.519 and slip through those cracks of not being good 00:07:08.519 --> 00:07:11.439 quality foster parents. And then I put myself 00:07:11.439 --> 00:07:14.019 into a second foster home and they were really 00:07:14.019 --> 00:07:16.600 like a leave it to beaver family. And I was more 00:07:16.600 --> 00:07:19.439 used to like the lifetime movie kind of family. 00:07:19.459 --> 00:07:22.560 So it was really uncomfortable for me. And that's 00:07:22.560 --> 00:07:27.620 why I chose to emancipate myself. I can, I mean, 00:07:27.660 --> 00:07:32.519 I understand. It's really, I think, My I had 00:07:32.519 --> 00:07:36.459 a guest recently. She emancipate. She was she 00:07:36.459 --> 00:07:40.079 didn't emancipate. She was also like a runaway. 00:07:40.600 --> 00:07:43.379 She ran away. There's an episode was episode 00:07:43.379 --> 00:07:47.399 a couple of episodes ago. And she actually is 00:07:47.399 --> 00:07:51.500 also a former stripper. And she's a messianic 00:07:51.500 --> 00:07:55.939 Jew. So that was very interesting. But she was 00:07:55.939 --> 00:07:58.959 a runaway. She started running away from home 00:07:58.959 --> 00:08:02.949 at like 11. years old or 10 or 11 years old. 00:08:03.230 --> 00:08:07.529 And then I think she ended up eventually in Dallas. 00:08:08.230 --> 00:08:13.930 And apparently so in Texas and I guess in Texas, 00:08:14.490 --> 00:08:19.149 the emancipation age was like 15. So so she was 00:08:19.149 --> 00:08:21.829 like, oh, you can't make me come home. She was 00:08:21.829 --> 00:08:25.490 from Florida. And she's like, and then it wasn't 00:08:25.490 --> 00:08:28.209 an abusive family or anything like that. She 00:08:28.209 --> 00:08:33.029 just, you know, She had a younger sister and 00:08:33.029 --> 00:08:39.110 she was kind of paved the way for her sister. 00:08:39.710 --> 00:08:43.549 All the things that she went through as a child, 00:08:43.850 --> 00:08:50.490 she just wasn't happy in her family. And so then 00:08:50.490 --> 00:08:53.570 the parents were saying, why can't she be like 00:08:53.570 --> 00:08:58.070 your sister? She was like, I broke all the ground 00:08:58.070 --> 00:09:02.429 for my sister. I broke the ground for her to 00:09:02.429 --> 00:09:07.389 so nobody messed with her because of me. So anyway, 00:09:07.450 --> 00:09:10.230 she emancipate. She just said, you know, I'm 00:09:10.230 --> 00:09:13.009 going to do what I want to do and I'm not coming 00:09:13.009 --> 00:09:16.009 home and you can't make me because I'm emancipated. 00:09:16.169 --> 00:09:19.929 Yeah. Yeah. And it's I mean, it's sad that, you 00:09:19.929 --> 00:09:23.450 know, people go through that and have to do that. 00:09:23.889 --> 00:09:28.440 But. You know, it is what it is. Absolutely. 00:09:28.980 --> 00:09:34.700 So after you, um, you graduated from high school. 00:09:34.899 --> 00:09:42.100 And so, um, your journey after, um, the foster 00:09:42.100 --> 00:09:47.279 care, um, what, how did you survive and you, 00:09:47.320 --> 00:09:51.220 you were living on your own then and paying bills. 00:09:51.620 --> 00:09:54.960 And is that, is that what you were doing? Yeah, 00:09:55.000 --> 00:09:57.500 I was actually delayed in graduating from high 00:09:57.500 --> 00:10:01.000 school because after my parents had divorced, 00:10:01.320 --> 00:10:04.639 before my mom separated my siblings up between 00:10:04.639 --> 00:10:09.019 my dad's family, she unfortunately reverted back 00:10:09.019 --> 00:10:11.480 to being like a 16 year old and was just leaving 00:10:11.480 --> 00:10:14.659 and not coming home. And I, like I said, am the 00:10:14.659 --> 00:10:18.279 oldest of eight siblings, so I had to stay home 00:10:18.279 --> 00:10:21.509 from school. to get some of my siblings off on 00:10:21.509 --> 00:10:23.429 the bus and then stay with the ones that weren't 00:10:23.429 --> 00:10:26.409 old enough to go to school yet. So I ended up 00:10:26.409 --> 00:10:30.409 being delayed in graduating, but I actually met 00:10:30.409 --> 00:10:34.409 my husband at the ripe age of 19 years old. So 00:10:34.409 --> 00:10:37.590 I wasn't even graduated yet when I had met my 00:10:37.590 --> 00:10:42.090 husband and I had already been evicted from the 00:10:42.090 --> 00:10:44.649 first apartment that I had been in. I mean, I 00:10:44.649 --> 00:10:47.809 dealt with a lot of alcohol abuse from the age 00:10:47.809 --> 00:10:53.580 of probably 16 to I mean, 30 is even before I 00:10:53.580 --> 00:10:56.080 started to get a grasp of not numbing myself 00:10:56.080 --> 00:10:59.500 in an unhealthy way. So my husband and I, we 00:10:59.500 --> 00:11:01.879 were engaged for six years before we actually 00:11:01.879 --> 00:11:04.460 got married. I wanted to make sure I could put 00:11:04.460 --> 00:11:06.620 up with all of his stuff and he can put up with 00:11:06.620 --> 00:11:12.100 mine. Be smart. That's very smart. It was a long 00:11:12.100 --> 00:11:15.799 engagement, but this August we will be together 00:11:15.799 --> 00:11:19.480 for 27 years and we've been married for 21. So, 00:11:19.700 --> 00:11:21.940 you know, after meeting my husband. For a long 00:11:21.940 --> 00:11:25.720 time before you. Yes. To make sure that that's, 00:11:25.720 --> 00:11:29.279 you know, you can put up with each other's BS 00:11:29.279 --> 00:11:33.500 forever. Yeah. I want it to be a one and done. 00:11:33.580 --> 00:11:35.720 Like my grandparents, like literally till death 00:11:35.720 --> 00:11:37.740 do us part, we're gonna, we're gonna make it 00:11:37.740 --> 00:11:40.100 through everything together. And we have, we 00:11:40.100 --> 00:11:41.720 have, I mean, there's been a lot of chapters 00:11:41.720 --> 00:11:45.039 that have happened obviously in 27 years. Um, 00:11:45.259 --> 00:11:48.419 but I didn't really start to authentically become 00:11:48.419 --> 00:11:53.379 who I am now until I was 40. And it took having 00:11:53.379 --> 00:11:56.559 to go through, you know, more trauma as an adult. 00:11:57.279 --> 00:12:01.100 At 39 years old, my dad became a survivor of 00:12:01.100 --> 00:12:05.320 a workplace shooting. So that really changed 00:12:05.320 --> 00:12:07.799 like the game with everything, you know, like 00:12:07.799 --> 00:12:10.740 I, my dad and I have worked really hard at that 00:12:10.740 --> 00:12:13.659 point. Probably from the age of about 20 until 00:12:13.659 --> 00:12:16.659 he was shot. So almost 20 years that he worked 00:12:16.659 --> 00:12:19.379 really hard to make up for the bad dad that he 00:12:19.379 --> 00:12:23.080 was when I was a kid. So we, you know, showed 00:12:23.080 --> 00:12:26.720 up, he was there, he was supportive and he was 00:12:26.720 --> 00:12:30.700 shot and he ended up with a brain injury from 00:12:30.700 --> 00:12:35.480 the way he felt after he was shot. So that brain 00:12:35.480 --> 00:12:38.159 injury took him into rehab for just about two 00:12:38.159 --> 00:12:41.210 years. We tried to get as much of him back as 00:12:41.210 --> 00:12:45.610 we could. And he was there mentally, but severely 00:12:45.610 --> 00:12:50.269 physically disabled. So he came back home and 00:12:50.269 --> 00:12:53.730 lived with my husband and I for almost four years. 00:12:54.129 --> 00:12:58.210 And we were 24 hour caregivers. So we would get 00:12:58.210 --> 00:13:00.350 them up in the morning, take them to the bathroom, 00:13:00.549 --> 00:13:03.789 shower them, dress them, feed them. We did all 00:13:03.789 --> 00:13:07.870 the P -T -O -T, speech therapy, allowed my dad 00:13:07.870 --> 00:13:10.740 to live. You know, his best life. We took him 00:13:10.740 --> 00:13:14.659 to concerts, outdoor venues. I mean, we, we literally 00:13:14.659 --> 00:13:17.259 did everything we could and then unexpectedly. 00:13:17.899 --> 00:13:25.480 Oh, yeah. Yeah. And then, um, Kyle. Yeah. Yeah. 00:13:26.120 --> 00:13:28.559 Um, unexpectedly five and a half months ago, 00:13:28.799 --> 00:13:34.299 I found him deceased in his bed and it was. Thank 00:13:34.299 --> 00:13:36.620 you. Yeah, it was, you know, it was unexpected. 00:13:37.159 --> 00:13:40.259 Everything was really great. It just, God's timing, 00:13:40.379 --> 00:13:44.299 and that's just what it is. So that's my newest, 00:13:45.200 --> 00:13:47.980 what I'm making it through currently. You got 00:13:47.980 --> 00:13:53.460 to heal that relationship. Very much. That's, 00:13:53.460 --> 00:13:57.620 you know, a big deal. Very much. Yeah, because 00:13:57.620 --> 00:14:00.960 I didn't grow up with my dad. My parents divorced 00:14:00.960 --> 00:14:04.230 when I was like two years old. something like 00:14:04.230 --> 00:14:10.690 that in Russia. I'm from Russia. So they, you 00:14:10.690 --> 00:14:13.409 know, he was abusive to my mom while she was 00:14:13.409 --> 00:14:17.330 pregnant. My mom was like, I'm out of here. And 00:14:17.330 --> 00:14:23.929 he was abusive just mentally afterward. And so 00:14:23.929 --> 00:14:28.389 I didn't have a male presence in my household. 00:14:28.549 --> 00:14:32.139 I was raised by my mom and my grandmother. And 00:14:32.139 --> 00:14:37.179 so I didn't have any male influence, any positive 00:14:37.179 --> 00:14:42.460 and many male influence at all. So the fact that 00:14:42.460 --> 00:14:47.080 you had your father and had, you know, that healing 00:14:47.080 --> 00:14:53.259 is a blessing, such a blessing that you had that. 00:14:53.259 --> 00:14:58.460 Yeah, it really was. Yeah. So talk about you 00:14:58.460 --> 00:15:04.450 said. Okay, so you have an NLP. I'm not familiar 00:15:04.450 --> 00:15:10.470 with what NLP is. And you said neurological. 00:15:11.809 --> 00:15:15.250 Neuro -linguistic programming. So it's basically 00:15:15.250 --> 00:15:20.289 working with our brain to connect our subconscious 00:15:20.289 --> 00:15:24.250 to our conscious mind. So I'm able to work with 00:15:24.250 --> 00:15:28.190 people that are wanting to feel more motivated, 00:15:28.350 --> 00:15:32.169 more determined. stop an addiction, maybe sugar 00:15:32.169 --> 00:15:36.509 cravings, help with anger, emotional issues, 00:15:36.950 --> 00:15:40.149 you know, releasing sadness, fear, grief, pain, 00:15:40.330 --> 00:15:42.210 a lot of different things that we're able to 00:15:42.210 --> 00:15:50.090 do. I love it. I can all work that. Yeah. I may 00:15:50.090 --> 00:15:54.269 take you up on your services. Yeah. Yeah, it's 00:15:54.269 --> 00:15:56.509 really great. I mean, you know, it's, it's a 00:15:56.509 --> 00:15:58.529 great, cause we all have it in us to do. You 00:15:58.529 --> 00:16:00.450 know, I'm not doing anything. I'm simply the 00:16:00.450 --> 00:16:04.289 guide. I'm just, I'm simply guiding people to 00:16:04.289 --> 00:16:06.830 the resolution that they're looking to achieve. 00:16:09.149 --> 00:16:12.929 Well, it's like, like, you know, I have, I'm 00:16:12.929 --> 00:16:16.789 on Monjaro. So I'm trying to lose weight. I'm 00:16:16.789 --> 00:16:20.250 trying to, you know, get those cravings under 00:16:20.250 --> 00:16:26.450 control. I'm a smoker and on and off. I try quit 00:16:26.450 --> 00:16:30.269 and try and quit. And, you know, it's hard. It's 00:16:30.269 --> 00:16:33.350 hard when you've had that emotional crutch for 00:16:33.350 --> 00:16:38.750 your whole life, basically. Oh, so, yeah, that's 00:16:38.750 --> 00:16:44.389 all. And is that your profession or are you now 00:16:44.389 --> 00:16:50.009 just podcasting and writing or do you have a 00:16:50.009 --> 00:16:53.990 day job? I'm doing all of it. So I've actually 00:16:53.990 --> 00:16:57.409 worked as an entrepreneur for a decade already. 00:16:57.549 --> 00:16:59.129 I haven't worked in corporate America for 10 00:16:59.129 --> 00:17:02.470 years. Cool. So I did a lot of network marketing 00:17:02.470 --> 00:17:06.349 in my time and then I started to want to heal 00:17:06.349 --> 00:17:09.339 from my trauma. So initially when I started the 00:17:09.339 --> 00:17:11.180 school of hard knocks, it was supposed to be 00:17:11.180 --> 00:17:13.859 a way for me to come out and stop living in a 00:17:13.859 --> 00:17:16.079 victim mentality from the things that had happened 00:17:16.079 --> 00:17:19.119 in my past and to start talking about it. You 00:17:19.119 --> 00:17:21.880 know, I held a lot of that stuff in because first 00:17:21.880 --> 00:17:23.940 of all, I didn't want to hurt my parents. You 00:17:23.940 --> 00:17:26.779 know, when we talk about these things, even though 00:17:26.779 --> 00:17:29.500 my childhood was not amazing and my parents could 00:17:29.500 --> 00:17:31.720 have been better parents, they're still my parents. 00:17:32.119 --> 00:17:34.859 And I love them dearly. And I never wanted them 00:17:34.859 --> 00:17:37.180 to, you know, like I said, my first childhood 00:17:37.180 --> 00:17:39.420 memories from the age of four and it is not good. 00:17:39.839 --> 00:17:43.319 And I didn't want my parents to feel this weight 00:17:43.319 --> 00:17:45.819 of, geez, I can't believe she still remembers 00:17:45.819 --> 00:17:49.119 that kind of stuff or to feel guilt. I also didn't 00:17:49.119 --> 00:17:51.400 want my eight siblings that may have been fed 00:17:51.400 --> 00:17:54.180 different stories and the separation of our family 00:17:54.180 --> 00:17:56.819 to hear the things that had happened and have 00:17:56.819 --> 00:17:59.640 that drive wedges in different places of my family. 00:18:00.359 --> 00:18:03.720 However... This is my journey and this is my 00:18:03.720 --> 00:18:07.240 life. And I was just a child when a lot of this 00:18:07.240 --> 00:18:10.920 was happening. So I'm not going to hold myself 00:18:10.920 --> 00:18:14.380 in this victim mentality and not talk about stories 00:18:14.380 --> 00:18:16.460 or things that happened in my life because I'm 00:18:16.460 --> 00:18:18.559 trying to protect people that in those moments 00:18:18.559 --> 00:18:21.900 didn't protect myself. So that's why the podcast 00:18:21.900 --> 00:18:25.079 initially had started. And then I started talking, 00:18:25.079 --> 00:18:27.599 people were resonating and oh my gosh, I can 00:18:27.599 --> 00:18:29.980 understand. I've been through things and now 00:18:29.980 --> 00:18:33.579 it's turned into this full blown safe place for 00:18:33.579 --> 00:18:35.900 anybody to come and share their story, you know, 00:18:35.900 --> 00:18:39.720 to get out of that victim container and move 00:18:39.720 --> 00:18:42.900 themself into now they are a survivor in their 00:18:42.900 --> 00:18:45.759 present time. We like to call it being grounded 00:18:45.759 --> 00:18:50.230 in our healing. Yeah. I was on a podcast. as 00:18:50.230 --> 00:18:55.730 a guest called The Lady in the UK to a podcast 00:18:55.730 --> 00:19:02.190 called Victim to Victor. The great podcast. It's 00:19:02.190 --> 00:19:07.049 a lot about healing trauma, about your nervous 00:19:07.049 --> 00:19:13.150 system. She's Anu. Her name is Anu Verma. And 00:19:13.150 --> 00:19:18.009 she's, you know, into the the right key. and 00:19:18.009 --> 00:19:21.690 healing energy and all of that. And she's also 00:19:21.690 --> 00:19:25.529 an author and a best -selling author. And so 00:19:25.529 --> 00:19:29.450 that was one of my, I think one of the reasons 00:19:29.450 --> 00:19:32.869 I started writing, I started writing a book. 00:19:33.089 --> 00:19:39.549 I haven't finished it in 2020, still. And it's 00:19:39.549 --> 00:19:41.609 called The Life of a George Stripper. And that's 00:19:41.609 --> 00:19:45.150 kind of how the podcast got named The George 00:19:45.150 --> 00:19:48.240 Stripper. Ron Real, because Ron Real was taken 00:19:48.240 --> 00:19:53.259 by 50 million other people. So in any case, she 00:19:53.259 --> 00:20:00.700 she was I was telling about my how I wanted to 00:20:00.700 --> 00:20:03.500 become a stripper because of my ex husband, because 00:20:03.500 --> 00:20:05.819 that's what he liked. And that's what I wanted. 00:20:05.980 --> 00:20:10.339 I wanted to be whatever he wanted me to be, whatever 00:20:10.339 --> 00:20:16.539 I thought is going to. that was going to make 00:20:16.539 --> 00:20:19.640 him love me. And that was, you know, was it pathetic? 00:20:19.920 --> 00:20:23.200 Yeah. But that would that was, you know, I ended 00:20:23.200 --> 00:20:26.480 up, even though I wasn't raised with my father, 00:20:26.880 --> 00:20:31.319 ended up marrying a man like my father, a narcissist 00:20:31.319 --> 00:20:34.799 and abusive man. All of that kind of stuff. And 00:20:34.799 --> 00:20:40.200 so I in the book, I didn't, you know, I say, 00:20:40.220 --> 00:20:43.109 you know, I don't want to throw my mom. under 00:20:43.109 --> 00:20:46.369 the bus because I was raised with my mom as a 00:20:46.369 --> 00:20:51.289 single parent and You know, I don't want to throw 00:20:51.289 --> 00:20:55.130 her under the bus, but I I talked about in the 00:20:55.130 --> 00:20:58.309 book I was started writing everything that's 00:20:58.309 --> 00:21:02.549 happened everything that affected me as a child 00:21:02.549 --> 00:21:07.690 as a teenager as an adult and You know it was 00:21:07.690 --> 00:21:13.190 Someone was reading it saying this is raw That's 00:21:13.190 --> 00:21:19.670 where the raw and real part came from. When I 00:21:19.670 --> 00:21:25.750 started the podcast, I didn't know if it was 00:21:25.750 --> 00:21:32.450 going to be successful or just for me to heal, 00:21:32.809 --> 00:21:36.430 to help me heal, but then it started to resonate. 00:21:36.650 --> 00:21:40.670 my writing, I put some chapters on the website 00:21:40.670 --> 00:21:45.509 called medium .com from my book. And people reached 00:21:45.509 --> 00:21:49.730 out to me and people have reached out to me from 00:21:49.730 --> 00:21:55.309 the podcast. And so I'm still in that healing. 00:21:55.769 --> 00:22:00.609 I think I've healed a lot, but I think the healing 00:22:00.609 --> 00:22:05.359 journey never ends. No, it does not. It does 00:22:05.359 --> 00:22:08.019 not, you know, that's why I say once we get unstuck 00:22:08.019 --> 00:22:10.200 from the trauma, we're grounded in the healing. 00:22:10.700 --> 00:22:12.519 And being grounded in your healing is a really 00:22:12.519 --> 00:22:14.779 great place to be, right? Because life is going 00:22:14.779 --> 00:22:18.759 to continue to life. It's not like I think my 00:22:18.759 --> 00:22:21.859 worst situation, I hope that what I've gone through 00:22:21.859 --> 00:22:23.940 with my dad recently is the worst thing he'll 00:22:23.940 --> 00:22:25.940 ever experience, but you know, God does what 00:22:25.940 --> 00:22:29.700 God does. However, I know with me being stuck 00:22:29.700 --> 00:22:32.680 where I am, you know, grounded in this healing, 00:22:32.970 --> 00:22:36.849 I can handle anything that comes my way. You 00:22:36.849 --> 00:22:38.769 know, that's why it's so important to get grounded 00:22:38.769 --> 00:22:42.650 in that healing because if you don't, you picture 00:22:42.650 --> 00:22:44.829 yourself getting knocked down and before you 00:22:44.829 --> 00:22:47.690 could even get halfway up, life knocks you down 00:22:47.690 --> 00:22:51.329 again and you're never getting up. You're never 00:22:51.329 --> 00:22:54.589 fully standing. So it's so important to work 00:22:54.589 --> 00:22:59.509 on that self -love and that mindset reshift and 00:22:59.509 --> 00:23:03.670 showing yourself grace and just being So grounded 00:23:03.670 --> 00:23:06.589 that when something comes at you, you know, you 00:23:06.589 --> 00:23:09.450 got it. You're not going to get sucked down into 00:23:09.450 --> 00:23:11.869 this negative rabbit hole where you have to stay 00:23:11.869 --> 00:23:15.890 stuck down. I mean, try like a corkscrew, you 00:23:15.890 --> 00:23:19.549 know, if you allow it. Yeah. I'm not a victim 00:23:19.549 --> 00:23:24.950 of lies. I, you know, like, I had a guest. Um, 00:23:24.950 --> 00:23:28.170 I was a guest on his show, John Curran podcast 00:23:28.170 --> 00:23:33.539 called a swift kick in the ass. And, um, what's 00:23:33.539 --> 00:23:37.519 the swift kick in the ass, you know, maybe sometimes 00:23:37.519 --> 00:23:42.859 you need it. And, um, his, uh, his little logo 00:23:42.859 --> 00:23:48.980 has a donkey. Donkey never stops going. Yeah. 00:23:49.059 --> 00:23:52.940 And so that's why he, but we were, we were talking 00:23:52.940 --> 00:23:56.119 about, you know, he talked about how, you know, 00:23:56.339 --> 00:24:00.299 once you, every time that You think you've gotten 00:24:00.299 --> 00:24:04.039 over a problem. Guess what? Something new comes 00:24:04.039 --> 00:24:07.759 up. And I said, yeah, life keeps throwing curveballs 00:24:07.759 --> 00:24:12.839 at you. It's just just when you think that, you 00:24:12.839 --> 00:24:17.660 know, that you have, you know, enjoy the peaceful 00:24:17.660 --> 00:24:22.539 moments in between, because some life is going 00:24:22.539 --> 00:24:26.279 to life you like you just said. The life is going 00:24:26.279 --> 00:24:29.579 to life you. And it's going to, you know, every 00:24:29.579 --> 00:24:34.140 time you fall down, you just got to get up, get 00:24:34.140 --> 00:24:38.180 up, fall down 10 times, get up 11. That's it. 00:24:38.500 --> 00:24:40.839 Yeah. I mean, that's the truth too. And, you 00:24:40.839 --> 00:24:44.220 know, I never would encourage anybody to, you 00:24:44.220 --> 00:24:46.940 know, sleep with one eye open because life creeps 00:24:46.940 --> 00:24:48.880 in and does things, you know, like that's not 00:24:48.880 --> 00:24:51.869 going to help us enjoy our life. But you're so 00:24:51.869 --> 00:24:56.369 right. The day before my dad passed away, I was 00:24:56.369 --> 00:24:59.049 driving in my vehicle and I listened to the Christian 00:24:59.049 --> 00:25:03.210 station in my vehicle. And music, I have a trauma 00:25:03.210 --> 00:25:06.069 toolbox. It's what I help coach people with is 00:25:06.069 --> 00:25:09.170 different tools that they can utilize to help 00:25:09.170 --> 00:25:11.690 with healing. But one of the tools was music. 00:25:11.839 --> 00:25:13.880 And for me, it's worship music, anything that 00:25:13.880 --> 00:25:16.859 puts my praise hands up that centers me and reminds 00:25:16.859 --> 00:25:19.180 me that God's in control. That's it's a big thing 00:25:19.180 --> 00:25:21.759 for me. And there's a song that's called Desperate 00:25:21.759 --> 00:25:25.799 by Jamie McDonald. And I came on and I was singing 00:25:25.799 --> 00:25:28.799 it so loud and I just vividly remember thinking. 00:25:29.230 --> 00:25:31.349 Man, this song doesn't even pertain to anything 00:25:31.349 --> 00:25:33.109 that's happening in my life right now. Cause 00:25:33.109 --> 00:25:38.210 everything's going so good. Yeah. She sings about 00:25:38.210 --> 00:25:40.509 being desperate and needing God. And, you know, 00:25:40.509 --> 00:25:43.230 and I'm like, Oh, I'm not even desperate for 00:25:43.230 --> 00:25:45.910 saving right now because things are so good. 00:25:45.950 --> 00:25:48.450 And then right away the next morning I find my 00:25:48.450 --> 00:25:51.950 job. Hey, I'm not familiar because I'm, I'm Jewish. 00:25:52.630 --> 00:25:56.690 So I'm not familiar with Christian rock or Christian 00:25:56.690 --> 00:26:00.730 music. I mean, a little bit, a little bit. I'm 00:26:00.730 --> 00:26:04.549 familiar. Actually, my ex -husband was black. 00:26:04.970 --> 00:26:11.029 And so I did attend with him church. And so I 00:26:11.029 --> 00:26:16.269 do remember some of the hymns and the song. And, 00:26:16.269 --> 00:26:21.150 you know, like one of my, I think I can't remember 00:26:21.150 --> 00:26:24.619 the name of it. One of my... Actually, yeah, 00:26:24.619 --> 00:26:28.839 I remember it. One of my favorite songs was actually, 00:26:29.980 --> 00:26:33.039 I'm coming up over the mountain or something 00:26:33.039 --> 00:26:42.940 like that. It influenced me. Yeah. Yeah. Well, 00:26:42.940 --> 00:26:45.799 that's why music is in my trauma toolbox because 00:26:45.799 --> 00:26:51.079 it can help you shift in a moment, listening 00:26:51.079 --> 00:26:53.900 to something that... just like I said, makes 00:26:53.900 --> 00:26:55.980 you put your praise hands up. You can't listen 00:26:55.980 --> 00:26:59.900 to hard rock, heavy metal, you know, dance music 00:26:59.900 --> 00:27:02.880 and expect to feel healed in the moment. It's 00:27:02.880 --> 00:27:04.779 going to jazz you up. It's going to make you 00:27:04.779 --> 00:27:07.119 feel like you, you know, you can go and do something, 00:27:07.539 --> 00:27:10.460 but these quick shifts like that is really what 00:27:10.460 --> 00:27:12.579 I would encourage people to do when they're healing. 00:27:13.039 --> 00:27:15.440 We have to be able to feel the moment in order 00:27:15.440 --> 00:27:17.400 for the next time it comes around for it to not 00:27:17.400 --> 00:27:20.140 be as tender, right? Like, if we just keep stuffing 00:27:20.140 --> 00:27:22.759 all of this stuff down, it's gonna just stay 00:27:22.759 --> 00:27:25.440 down there. That's just what it is. We have to 00:27:25.440 --> 00:27:29.039 be able to process through these emotions, regardless 00:27:29.039 --> 00:27:32.619 how hard it is, because going forward, it's not 00:27:32.619 --> 00:27:35.779 going to be as hard. So, you know, that's why 00:27:35.779 --> 00:27:37.339 it's important to make sure that you're just 00:27:37.339 --> 00:27:40.380 taking care of the emotional self. You're worried 00:27:40.380 --> 00:27:45.619 when you get to that point where, um, in life... 00:27:45.690 --> 00:27:48.769 When it's not like you have to sleep with one 00:27:48.769 --> 00:27:52.230 eye open, but like you said, you have that toolbox 00:27:52.230 --> 00:27:56.190 already that when something else comes up, cause 00:27:56.190 --> 00:28:00.950 it will, you're not losing your mind saying, 00:28:01.569 --> 00:28:05.990 I don't know what to do. You're in a place where 00:28:05.990 --> 00:28:12.089 you have tools and rather than looking at a problem 00:28:12.089 --> 00:28:16.150 from an emotional point of view. You're already 00:28:16.150 --> 00:28:18.950 at that point where you're a problem solver. 00:28:19.950 --> 00:28:23.369 Something comes at you instead of looking at 00:28:23.369 --> 00:28:29.450 it as a negative from negative emotions. And 00:28:29.450 --> 00:28:33.430 then you're just you're in my experience personally, 00:28:34.289 --> 00:28:38.190 where I've come to the point where it's like, 00:28:38.210 --> 00:28:42.369 OK, what I'm not going to freak out. I'm not 00:28:42.369 --> 00:28:45.019 going to freak out. I'm not going to lose my 00:28:45.019 --> 00:28:49.180 mind because, oh, you know, the car broke down 00:28:49.180 --> 00:28:55.220 or whatever it is, especially with my mom, I 00:28:55.220 --> 00:28:58.400 had breast cancer last year. Of course, that 00:28:58.400 --> 00:29:02.940 was scary. And of course, that was like, you 00:29:02.940 --> 00:29:06.940 know, I had to be strong. I couldn't walk around, 00:29:07.019 --> 00:29:11.380 cry all the time. You know, we had our own tumultuous 00:29:11.380 --> 00:29:15.119 relationship. when I was a teenager and later 00:29:15.119 --> 00:29:18.859 when I married my ex -husband and we were just 00:29:18.859 --> 00:29:23.640 not in a good place. We've healed a lot of our 00:29:23.640 --> 00:29:27.359 relationship, but things have happened. I've 00:29:27.359 --> 00:29:33.619 had to say to myself, I'm going to be the strong 00:29:33.619 --> 00:29:36.680 one and I'm not going to sit around and be like, 00:29:36.839 --> 00:29:41.869 oh my God, what if this and what if that? It 00:29:41.869 --> 00:29:48.589 just was like, okay, what do we need to do to 00:29:48.589 --> 00:29:51.950 deal with this? That's it. I'm just going to 00:29:51.950 --> 00:29:55.750 deal with it. I'm at the point in life where 00:29:55.750 --> 00:29:59.690 I have that toolbox. I'm just dealing with whatever 00:29:59.690 --> 00:30:03.329 it is. I can deal with it. I'm not going to fall 00:30:03.329 --> 00:30:07.589 apart at the seams every time that something 00:30:07.589 --> 00:30:12.079 comes up because it always will. Yeah, absolutely. 00:30:12.480 --> 00:30:14.819 Well, and I mean worrying is kind of like sitting 00:30:14.819 --> 00:30:18.339 in a rocking chair You know you you you're doing 00:30:18.339 --> 00:30:21.000 a movement you're moving but you're stagnant. 00:30:21.000 --> 00:30:23.900 You're not going anywhere So it doesn't matter 00:30:23.900 --> 00:30:26.839 how long that you rock in a rocking chair. You're 00:30:26.839 --> 00:30:29.440 you're in the same spot You know, and that's 00:30:29.440 --> 00:30:31.660 the thing with when you stay stuck in trauma 00:30:31.660 --> 00:30:34.799 or pain grief I mean moving through these things, 00:30:34.799 --> 00:30:37.759 you know with me where I'm at five and a half 00:30:37.759 --> 00:30:40.420 months since my dad went to heaven. This is the 00:30:40.420 --> 00:30:42.420 first time I've lost my dad like this, right? 00:30:42.539 --> 00:30:45.000 This is the worst loss of my entire life. I've 00:30:45.000 --> 00:30:46.880 never experienced this kind of grief and this 00:30:46.880 --> 00:30:49.920 kind of pain, but I've been walking through it 00:30:49.920 --> 00:30:53.900 in such a way of knowing, I mean, first of all, 00:30:54.019 --> 00:30:57.559 I can't control it. I can beg God, I can plead, 00:30:57.720 --> 00:31:00.400 I can cry, and he's never going to say, gee, 00:31:00.559 --> 00:31:03.720 I didn't realize this was going to hurt Darcy 00:31:03.720 --> 00:31:06.359 this way. I'm going to put Bill back on earth. 00:31:06.920 --> 00:31:09.960 That's not going to happen. So it's a lot of 00:31:09.960 --> 00:31:13.099 coming to the realization of what I can control 00:31:13.099 --> 00:31:16.559 in this situation, which is how I'm reacting 00:31:16.559 --> 00:31:20.380 to it, how I'm responding to it. You gotta show 00:31:20.380 --> 00:31:22.880 yourself grace in these times and allow yourself 00:31:22.880 --> 00:31:26.819 to heal properly But at the same token, you know, 00:31:26.819 --> 00:31:29.279 I like to say there's no time limit on grief 00:31:29.279 --> 00:31:31.619 and healing But there is a time limit on our 00:31:31.619 --> 00:31:34.859 life There is a time limit on our life. And when 00:31:34.859 --> 00:31:38.420 we choose to stay stuck without even making a 00:31:38.420 --> 00:31:40.779 little bit of progress, you know, some people 00:31:40.779 --> 00:31:43.660 are in the same position five years down the 00:31:43.660 --> 00:31:46.339 road that they were the day that they lost their 00:31:46.339 --> 00:31:48.420 spouse, their child, their parent, their friend, 00:31:48.559 --> 00:31:52.259 whatever it may be. And it's hard. This is the 00:31:52.259 --> 00:31:56.039 hardest walk of my life. However, there are tools 00:31:56.039 --> 00:31:59.740 to help you not stay stuck there. Even if it's 00:31:59.740 --> 00:32:03.849 just a small step forward. every now and then, 00:32:04.109 --> 00:32:06.690 we're still going forward. And that's the direction 00:32:06.690 --> 00:32:10.549 we want to be moving. Yeah, two steps forward. 00:32:10.750 --> 00:32:13.849 I mean, so one step back, but two steps forward. 00:32:14.670 --> 00:32:19.210 I mean, sometimes, you know, we have patterns 00:32:19.210 --> 00:32:24.970 that we learned that we ingrained in ourselves. 00:32:25.049 --> 00:32:31.329 And it's hard to, it's difficult to unlearn. 00:32:31.359 --> 00:32:35.380 those patterns, but once you start to recognize 00:32:35.380 --> 00:32:40.160 them, you're in, you're in a healing mode when 00:32:40.160 --> 00:32:42.859 you're starting to recognize your patterns and 00:32:42.859 --> 00:32:48.119 not repeating them. And so that, I think that 00:32:48.119 --> 00:32:51.680 helps. Oh, I think what you're doing helps a 00:32:51.680 --> 00:32:56.160 lot of people helps people to deal. So it's, 00:32:56.319 --> 00:33:00.059 it's how a lot of it, how you talk to yourself 00:33:00.059 --> 00:33:04.460 when you said, um, to have grace for yourself. 00:33:04.460 --> 00:33:07.700 And, you know, there's, there's a lot, this habit 00:33:07.700 --> 00:33:11.180 of, um, you know, saying, oh, I'm, I'm an idiot 00:33:11.180 --> 00:33:14.420 or I'm stupid. Why did I do this? I'm stupid. 00:33:14.740 --> 00:33:19.319 Why I do that? That was dumb. And, and, um, getting 00:33:19.319 --> 00:33:24.279 out of that negative language and, um, speaking 00:33:24.279 --> 00:33:30.000 to yourself kindly is, um, a big step in the 00:33:30.000 --> 00:33:33.589 right direction. That it's, um, that's part, 00:33:33.710 --> 00:33:37.309 that's part of healing and that's it's unlearning, 00:33:37.410 --> 00:33:41.029 unlearning those behaviors that you may have 00:33:41.029 --> 00:33:45.150 learned in your family. Yeah. Yeah. And I mean, 00:33:45.250 --> 00:33:49.940 maybe you're not somebody who self. Talk to yourself 00:33:49.940 --> 00:33:53.079 like that because I it's been a very long time. 00:33:53.160 --> 00:33:54.759 I mean I'd have to think of when I've ever told 00:33:54.759 --> 00:33:57.599 myself I'm Stupid or not good enough, and I know 00:33:57.599 --> 00:34:00.819 people do that mine was you can make it do anything. 00:34:00.980 --> 00:34:04.440 You're fine everything's fine like put that superwoman 00:34:04.440 --> 00:34:08.239 cape on you can make it and That is such an unhealthy 00:34:08.239 --> 00:34:11.599 thing to do You know, that's so unhealthy because 00:34:11.599 --> 00:34:14.840 I, for the longest time, had forced myself to 00:34:14.840 --> 00:34:17.579 just accept, this is what it is, just move on. 00:34:17.880 --> 00:34:21.539 And there was no time of, hey, listen, this is 00:34:21.539 --> 00:34:24.219 kind of a big deal right now. And you need to 00:34:24.219 --> 00:34:27.800 allow whatever you're feeling to happen. I mean, 00:34:28.059 --> 00:34:31.039 three days after my dad died was one of my first... 00:34:31.119 --> 00:34:34.480 big breakdowns that I had. My husband was playing 00:34:34.480 --> 00:34:37.900 music. Music was huge for my dad. And I came 00:34:37.900 --> 00:34:40.559 walking down the stairs, Led Zeppelin was playing 00:34:40.559 --> 00:34:43.280 and I knew don't even look towards the recliner 00:34:43.280 --> 00:34:45.800 where your dad sits because he's not even going 00:34:45.800 --> 00:34:47.820 to be there. And I walked out into the garage 00:34:47.820 --> 00:34:52.019 and I started going, you're fine. You are totally 00:34:52.019 --> 00:34:54.800 fine. And immediately my healed self said, what 00:34:54.800 --> 00:34:57.920 are you talking about? No, you're not. Your dad 00:34:57.920 --> 00:35:00.400 just died three days ago. You would never look 00:35:00.400 --> 00:35:02.679 at somebody else and say, why are you getting 00:35:02.679 --> 00:35:05.400 emotional? It's been three days, like reel it 00:35:05.400 --> 00:35:08.980 in. And I allowed myself to cry. Like I was, 00:35:08.980 --> 00:35:11.239 I was scream crying almost. My husband came running 00:35:11.239 --> 00:35:13.320 out like what, what, what, what? And I said, 00:35:13.460 --> 00:35:15.699 it's the music. And he said, oh, I'm so sorry. 00:35:15.820 --> 00:35:18.460 And I said, no, babe, it's not music. That's, 00:35:18.739 --> 00:35:20.539 you know, you're doing, it's just, that's what 00:35:20.539 --> 00:35:24.300 it was, but I allowed myself that moment. I didn't 00:35:24.300 --> 00:35:26.679 push it down and put that superwoman cape on 00:35:26.679 --> 00:35:29.539 and do what Darcy's always done. No, we're done 00:35:29.539 --> 00:35:32.900 with that. There's no need. This is no competition. 00:35:33.420 --> 00:35:36.420 who heals the fastest, who gets back to the race 00:35:36.420 --> 00:35:39.760 the quickest. I mean, when I'm back, I want to 00:35:39.760 --> 00:35:41.679 make sure that I'm back and I'm grounded and 00:35:41.679 --> 00:35:44.860 I'm good to, you know, go for the duration until 00:35:44.860 --> 00:35:48.260 life comes back again and says, guess what? Another 00:35:48.260 --> 00:35:51.460 thing you get to heal from, because it will happen, 00:35:51.599 --> 00:35:55.360 because that's what life does. Yeah. When we 00:35:55.360 --> 00:36:01.780 lost my grandmother, I was... You know self -medicating 00:36:01.780 --> 00:36:05.860 I was with my ex -husband He was at the time 00:36:05.860 --> 00:36:09.340 we weren't even married yet. He was abusive physically 00:36:09.340 --> 00:36:13.619 mentally and I was that was before I was even 00:36:13.619 --> 00:36:19.699 stripping and he was He was abusive physically, 00:36:19.800 --> 00:36:25.559 but the mental part was and I was self -medicating 00:36:25.559 --> 00:36:30.230 with drugs and alcohol and I I don't think I 00:36:30.230 --> 00:36:36.889 even allowed myself to feel the loss at the time. 00:36:39.389 --> 00:36:44.610 I think I felt it even more when once I separated 00:36:44.610 --> 00:36:49.030 from him because then at that time, I was mourning 00:36:49.030 --> 00:36:54.030 everything. I was mourning the end of my marriage. 00:36:54.190 --> 00:36:59.230 I was mourning. that I wasn't really there for 00:36:59.230 --> 00:37:03.170 my mom at the time when she was losing her mother. 00:37:03.530 --> 00:37:07.690 I was in my own off in my own world. So I wasn't 00:37:07.690 --> 00:37:12.690 I wasn't feeling anything and I wasn't I wasn't 00:37:12.690 --> 00:37:17.530 screaming and I wasn't crying. And it all happened 00:37:17.530 --> 00:37:22.730 like years later when it actually ended. So everyone 00:37:22.730 --> 00:37:27.809 has their own timeline for grieving. But and 00:37:27.809 --> 00:37:32.829 so I, you know, I just kind of said it was like 00:37:32.829 --> 00:37:37.570 she's gone and there was nothing I could do because 00:37:37.570 --> 00:37:41.869 I didn't get to say goodbye. And there's there 00:37:41.869 --> 00:37:47.210 was always guilt behind that. And so the guilt, 00:37:47.329 --> 00:37:50.269 the guilt just made me self -medicate even more. 00:37:50.909 --> 00:37:53.969 And so it took a long time and it took a long 00:37:53.969 --> 00:37:58.280 time to forgive myself. for not being there, 00:37:59.000 --> 00:38:05.639 for not being for me or for my mom. So, you know, 00:38:05.840 --> 00:38:11.480 everybody's timeline is, it's different. Absolutely. 00:38:13.480 --> 00:38:20.579 Well, I wanted to ask you, so about your self 00:38:20.579 --> 00:38:31.980 you talk about. your story and how do you create 00:38:31.980 --> 00:38:39.840 spaces for self -leadership for people when people 00:38:39.840 --> 00:38:45.139 are healing and they are going into a better 00:38:45.139 --> 00:38:50.480 situation where they're finally maybe moving 00:38:50.480 --> 00:38:57.369 on. and healing from their trauma. And what does 00:38:57.369 --> 00:39:01.449 self -leadership mean? Self -leadership is your 00:39:01.449 --> 00:39:04.489 ability to be able to guide yourself through 00:39:04.489 --> 00:39:08.789 any situation that may happen because you know 00:39:08.789 --> 00:39:12.949 your ability to be able to do what needs to be 00:39:12.949 --> 00:39:16.610 done to keep yourself safe in all situations 00:39:16.610 --> 00:39:19.420 with the tools that you've learned. I talk a 00:39:19.420 --> 00:39:21.619 lot about this trauma toolbox. You know, my trauma 00:39:21.619 --> 00:39:24.179 toolbox is full. It probably doesn't look like 00:39:24.179 --> 00:39:26.300 everybody else's. You know, mine's pink and kind 00:39:26.300 --> 00:39:29.000 of shimmery, right? But when I open it, there's 00:39:29.000 --> 00:39:30.940 all kinds of different tools in there that I 00:39:30.940 --> 00:39:34.900 can utilize in those moments. So, self leadership 00:39:34.900 --> 00:39:39.760 is not allowing the outside perspectives, opinions, 00:39:39.980 --> 00:39:43.000 things that are happening to take you on a detour 00:39:43.000 --> 00:39:48.360 from your healing. So talk about the trauma toolbox. 00:39:49.619 --> 00:39:51.780 What, like, what's in your, you said, you said 00:39:51.780 --> 00:39:56.360 your trauma toolbox is pink and shimmery and 00:39:56.360 --> 00:40:00.440 glittery. Yep. Yep. Cause that's me. Um, but 00:40:00.440 --> 00:40:02.739 I have different tools in there that I can reach 00:40:02.739 --> 00:40:07.679 for in moments of. scared, grief, pain, sadness. 00:40:08.280 --> 00:40:10.239 So, you know, like music, I said, is a really 00:40:10.239 --> 00:40:13.420 big one. Anything that can make my soul feel 00:40:13.420 --> 00:40:15.739 grounded. Sometimes I have to listen to two, 00:40:15.800 --> 00:40:19.380 three songs before I start to feel that change. 00:40:19.980 --> 00:40:22.679 After my dad passed away, music wasn't cutting 00:40:22.679 --> 00:40:25.099 it. So now we're back into the travel toolbox 00:40:25.099 --> 00:40:29.079 and... We're taking, you know, a warm shower 00:40:29.079 --> 00:40:31.639 and visualizing all the emotions rinsing down 00:40:31.639 --> 00:40:34.639 the drain. That's not working. I'm reaching out 00:40:34.639 --> 00:40:37.059 to who I know my safe person is that's never 00:40:37.059 --> 00:40:40.280 going to judge me. And I can scream, cry, I can 00:40:40.280 --> 00:40:42.719 swear, I can say whatever it is that I want to 00:40:42.719 --> 00:40:45.760 do. Um, I had to actually create a whole new 00:40:45.760 --> 00:40:50.019 tool after my dad passed away because I actually 00:40:50.019 --> 00:40:54.039 found my dad and gave him CPR until the paramedics 00:40:54.039 --> 00:40:57.400 arrived. So it was a really graphic, horrible 00:40:57.400 --> 00:41:00.659 moment for me. And I couldn't get that visual 00:41:00.659 --> 00:41:04.159 out of my mind. So when I realized I needed to 00:41:04.159 --> 00:41:06.780 create a new tool, I started thinking about some 00:41:06.780 --> 00:41:09.659 of my favorite movies. I really like Beverly 00:41:09.659 --> 00:41:12.559 Hills cop with Eddie Murphy. Eddie Murphy is 00:41:12.559 --> 00:41:16.079 hilarious, right? But there's that one part where 00:41:16.079 --> 00:41:18.760 he's standing at the fence and the two cops come 00:41:18.760 --> 00:41:23.079 up and Eddie says to the cops, or are you, you're 00:41:23.079 --> 00:41:25.320 the new ones following me? And the black cop 00:41:25.320 --> 00:41:27.440 says, yeah, we're not going to fall for the banana 00:41:27.440 --> 00:41:30.340 in the tailpipe trick. And Eddie mocks them back. 00:41:30.460 --> 00:41:31.860 We're not going to fall for the banana in the 00:41:31.860 --> 00:41:33.619 tailpipe trick. And the next thing you know, 00:41:33.760 --> 00:41:36.360 I wasn't thinking about my dad anymore. I was 00:41:36.360 --> 00:41:38.639 visualizing Eddie Murphy in that moment and then 00:41:38.639 --> 00:41:41.360 I thought, I think I just created a new tool. 00:41:41.900 --> 00:41:44.440 So when you can stop that scary movie that's 00:41:44.440 --> 00:41:46.860 playing in your mind and replace it with something 00:41:46.860 --> 00:41:49.500 that's no longer that scary movie, right? So 00:41:49.500 --> 00:41:51.780 I write about that in the book. I actually give, 00:41:51.780 --> 00:41:53.900 you know, different tools. I reach for my Bible. 00:41:54.420 --> 00:41:57.559 I mean, reading the Bible to me is huge. God 00:41:57.559 --> 00:42:00.340 is center of my life and has been for a very 00:42:00.340 --> 00:42:03.800 long time. Or journaling. I mean, journaling 00:42:03.800 --> 00:42:06.659 for me wasn't... super huge during the time with 00:42:06.659 --> 00:42:08.719 my dad because I didn't want to remember all 00:42:08.719 --> 00:42:11.300 of it. I knew that that wasn't going to be healthy 00:42:11.300 --> 00:42:14.199 for me. But you can also take and just write 00:42:14.199 --> 00:42:17.179 something down just to get it out and take it 00:42:17.179 --> 00:42:19.760 and burn it. Right. And watch those, you know, 00:42:19.920 --> 00:42:22.960 watch it go up and let those emotions just go 00:42:22.960 --> 00:42:26.659 up in flames. So get yourself an emotional mental 00:42:26.659 --> 00:42:29.159 toolbox and start packing it with things that 00:42:29.389 --> 00:42:32.329 you've tried or you've read about or you've learned 00:42:32.329 --> 00:42:34.750 and start utilizing those tools on the journey. 00:42:35.030 --> 00:42:40.230 For me, it's going for a walk or it might be 00:42:40.230 --> 00:42:46.409 listening to music, but not necessarily hymns. 00:42:48.250 --> 00:42:54.050 Honestly, I was a big Prince fan. I'm a big, 00:42:54.050 --> 00:42:59.250 big Prince fan. Sometimes if I'm feeling overwhelmed 00:42:59.250 --> 00:43:03.570 and I'll turn on Let's Go Crazy. Yeah. Because 00:43:03.570 --> 00:43:07.349 it's like, you know what? That let's just, you 00:43:07.349 --> 00:43:11.389 know what? We're here, like you said, like in 00:43:11.389 --> 00:43:16.829 the beginning. It's a, you know, that don't let 00:43:16.829 --> 00:43:22.730 the elevator take, hit the higher floor. When 00:43:22.730 --> 00:43:25.230 the elevator tries to bring you down, do you 00:43:25.230 --> 00:43:30.610 know that song? go crazy. You know, in the beginning, 00:43:30.829 --> 00:43:33.449 it's like, you know, there's, um, how does it 00:43:33.449 --> 00:43:37.369 go? I'm not going to sing it. I'll save everyone. 00:43:37.650 --> 00:43:41.110 I'll save everyone from singing it. But it's 00:43:41.110 --> 00:43:43.929 a, you know, um, I think it's like, ladies and 00:43:43.929 --> 00:43:48.130 gentlemen, we are here, you know, and there's 00:43:48.130 --> 00:43:54.090 another place. And, and, um, it goes, but when, 00:43:54.269 --> 00:43:58.170 whenever the elevator tries to bring you down, 00:43:58.590 --> 00:44:03.969 hit the higher floor and let's go crazy. To me, 00:44:04.409 --> 00:44:07.730 it doesn't mean, you know, crazy like you're, 00:44:07.730 --> 00:44:10.969 you know, psychopathic. It means crazy like, 00:44:11.010 --> 00:44:14.429 you know, punch the higher floor, punch that 00:44:14.429 --> 00:44:18.750 higher floor, go higher. That means the elevation, 00:44:19.329 --> 00:44:23.809 you know, take yourself out of that low feeling. 00:44:24.170 --> 00:44:27.869 And punch that higher floor. Yeah. Raise your 00:44:27.869 --> 00:44:30.690 vibration. I mean, whatever your song is, you 00:44:30.690 --> 00:44:34.530 know, like I, I can honestly tell you that I'm 00:44:34.530 --> 00:44:36.550 not listening to hymns and things like that. 00:44:36.690 --> 00:44:39.489 I grew up with a dad who listened to like, you 00:44:39.489 --> 00:44:42.849 know, Ozzy Osbourne and Quiet Riot and Crocus 00:44:42.849 --> 00:44:45.690 and Judas Priest. And, you know, so I'm not over 00:44:45.690 --> 00:44:49.010 here like, no, I don't. But there are some songs 00:44:49.010 --> 00:44:51.670 that do hit me differently, but, you know, I've 00:44:51.670 --> 00:44:55.429 really come to love like. Kind of like Christian 00:44:55.429 --> 00:44:59.130 rock. I mean, it still has that movement to it, 00:44:59.489 --> 00:45:02.409 but it touches my soul. And that's, that's all 00:45:02.409 --> 00:45:05.030 it matters. All that matters is you find what 00:45:05.030 --> 00:45:08.469 works for you to ground your soul where you are. 00:45:08.670 --> 00:45:13.409 That's all that matters. Exactly. Well, thank 00:45:13.409 --> 00:45:20.710 you so much today for being you and your positive 00:45:20.710 --> 00:45:26.800 vibe. And, um, so you have kids and you're a 00:45:26.800 --> 00:45:30.360 mom. Yep. We have an adult daughter and we have 00:45:30.360 --> 00:45:32.940 two grandchildren, one that's five and one that 00:45:32.940 --> 00:45:36.960 just turned one. Whoa. How old is your daughter? 00:45:37.539 --> 00:45:42.679 She just turned 31. Oh my God. You don't look 00:45:42.679 --> 00:45:47.480 like all my dad. I'm like, they have these, my 00:45:47.480 --> 00:45:50.900 guess. They, everybody looks so young. Like I, 00:45:51.340 --> 00:45:53.079 you know, when people say they have these grown 00:45:53.079 --> 00:45:57.820 children and I'm like floored because I'm like, 00:45:57.820 --> 00:46:01.559 you don't even look, you know, like in your thirties 00:46:01.559 --> 00:46:06.400 or forties or something. Thank you. So it was 00:46:06.400 --> 00:46:12.079 such a joy to have you and thank you. And so 00:46:12.079 --> 00:46:15.739 again, again, I went for my guests does name 00:46:15.739 --> 00:46:19.110 of your podcast. is the School of Hard Knocks 00:46:19.110 --> 00:46:21.869 with Darcy, because there's other School of Hard 00:46:21.869 --> 00:46:26.789 Knocks. Other School of Hard Knocks. So that 00:46:26.789 --> 00:46:29.409 was one of the reasons. Like I said, I became 00:46:29.409 --> 00:46:32.550 the George Stripper in Rio because Ron Rio was 00:46:32.550 --> 00:46:38.150 taken by everybody. And so your books are Empower 00:46:38.150 --> 00:46:43.289 Her Volume One and Empower Her Powerhouse Edition. 00:46:43.610 --> 00:46:49.400 Yes. Right. So thank you so much. Um, and I appreciate 00:46:49.400 --> 00:46:54.719 you and we'll keep in touch, of course. And, 00:46:54.719 --> 00:46:59.699 uh, happy Easter. Yes, happy Easter. Thank you 00:46:59.699 --> 00:47:03.340 so much for having me. Um, thank you for coming 00:47:03.340 --> 00:47:07.019 on. I really appreciated your time and especially 00:47:07.019 --> 00:47:10.480 putting up with my technical difficulties. No 00:47:10.480 --> 00:47:14.920 worries. Okay. It was wonderful to see you. And 00:47:14.920 --> 00:47:18.199 hopefully, um, are you writing anything else? 00:47:18.440 --> 00:47:20.619 Are you working? Oh, I have all kinds of things 00:47:20.619 --> 00:47:23.159 that are in the works. Absolutely. Great. Well, 00:47:23.159 --> 00:47:25.599 you can actually come back when you have more 00:47:25.599 --> 00:47:30.619 so we can do this again or actually. Yeah. And, 00:47:30.679 --> 00:47:34.340 um, you know, I can come on your podcast too. 00:47:34.639 --> 00:47:39.340 I would love that. I will. Yeah. Okay. So we'll 00:47:39.340 --> 00:47:42.239 end it at that. And again, you know, thank you 00:47:42.239 --> 00:47:47.400 for everyone tuning in. everyone for again subscribing, 00:47:48.360 --> 00:47:57.460 Facebook follows, and the amazing that I can't 00:47:57.460 --> 00:48:03.039 even put into words like how I woke up this morning 00:48:03.039 --> 00:48:10.320 and saw 58 downloads in 24 hours around the world. 00:48:13.599 --> 00:48:18.199 It's been in Singapore and China and Japan and 00:48:18.199 --> 00:48:25.400 Vietnam and Nairobi and all kinds of countries. 00:48:25.920 --> 00:48:30.440 So thank you everyone who has listened around 00:48:30.440 --> 00:48:35.739 the world. That touches my soul. That touches 00:48:35.739 --> 00:48:40.780 my soul a lot. So thank you Darcy again and hopefully 00:48:40.780 --> 00:48:44.110 we'll... See you again soon. Thank you so much. 00:48:45.070 --> 00:48:48.750 Bye. Take care.