Hello, and welcome to the final episode of potentially
season one of Real Talk with Rayne and Gabe.
It's me. I'm Gabe. Today, the topic that was
voted most popular is growth and accountability.
So very on brand for a podcast. We talk a lot
about self -help and bettering yourself and our
experiences about what we have done in the past,
what we could do better in the future, and all
of those wonderful things. If I sound like my
brain is fried, it's because it is 98 degrees
outside today, folks, and I'm in a booth. So
I hope you enjoy the audio quality. Anyway, so.
Meanwhile, I'm over here in my open office with
an air conditioner right next to me, and I probably
sound exactly the same. Probably and it's okay
because if you hear that just means I died It's
fine. So Gabe, would you like to start us off
on our no? I'm bad at improv. No, it's not improv.
I don't know Again, I don't know. I don't know
how to address it I guess is you don't know how
to take accountability is what you're saying
my cat just Claude all over my keyboard. There's
no accountability in this. This is the perfect
setup for the top. My issue with it is I don't
feel like I have a lot of experience with growth
and accountability because I'm still actively
going through it, if that makes sense. I am pretty
young. I am turning 27 this year. So I just recently
got my frontal lobe started hidden. So I just
perspective is 2020 or hindsight, whatever it
is. And I wasn't the best friend. I wasn't the
best partner. I wasn't the best insert relationship
to another person here. So I'm still growing.
I'm still trying to figure out. the best way
to grow, which I think is like, where I think
your advice would definitely come in to help
me and other people like me, because I don't
know. I don't know how to grow in a way that
is helpful. Because a lot of the times, at least
for me, I get so trapped in my own head that
growth seems impossible, where it's just, oh,
I'm such a bad person, or... I've done all these
terrible things or I'll just continue to make
mistakes anyway, so why bother trying? So I guess
that's the conversation we can have, like a back
and forth where you give your advice. I give
my struggles with it and we can do that if you
want. I don't know. Ultimately, you're always
going to make mistakes. Every single person is
going to make mistakes up until the day that
they die. As somebody who I'm not sitting here
like a fucking martyr like I know everything
I don't I'm in therapy I work in human services
so I've just I've had a lot of experience with
people from all walks of life and hearing their
stories and then living my own story I think
one of the biggest things that stops people from
taking accountability and from growing is the
thought that if they face that reality of what
they've done wrong, that's gonna identify them
as a human for the rest of their lives. That
one moment or multiple moments that they've screwed
up or they've harmed somebody and even though
they're guilty and they feel remorse about it
now, that doesn't erase what they did. So almost
in a way it's like they're constantly damning
themselves and punishing themselves for things
that they did. when unless you really went out
of your way to hurt somebody and do crime and
do like really bad things like those people get
put away in jail and jail is also supposed to
be rehabilitation. So they're supposed to come
out of jail if they ever do better people and
learn from those mistakes and grow and seek accountability.
Not to say that everybody does, but that's what
it's supposed to be. And for people who make
mistakes that are more like minor offenses of
like, I said something that hurt somebody's feelings.
I did this action, it hurt somebody's feelings
or it caused them to lose a job or it's things
like that. You still did it and you still need
to recognize that you did it because if you avoid
it for the rest of your life, eventually it's
going to start eating away at you, bit by bit.
And it might seem like it's going to be harder
to take accountability for something. because
you don't want to face the reality that you did
that action and that you upset or caused pain
to somebody else. The thing is, though, we're
all humans and we're all inherently flawed. So
at some point in your life, you're going to do
or say something that's going to hurt somebody's
feelings or step on toes or you're going to get
into an argument or a fight with somebody. And
we say things in the moment we can't take back.
we do things in the moment we can't take back.
And part of growing and having accountability
for those things, the first step of doing that
is recognizing that you are human and that you're
flawed and that if the people that this happened
to, that you caused pain to, don't forgive you,
that's okay. You need to learn that It's not
about getting closure from everybody. It's about
getting closure from yourself. And it's about
saying, I fucked up. I did something wrong. What
can I do to improve on this? What can I do to
use this as a lesson instead of another reason
to hate myself? Do you want that person to forgive
you? Absolutely. Everybody does. That's more
of that final closure of, okay, maybe I'm not
such a bad person. That person may never forgive
you. and that is part of their life journey that
they need to figure out. And it depends on the
situation too, of course, like we always say,
it's very situational. But you will never be
able to escape the pattern of behavior that you
do if you don't acknowledge that it's a pattern
of behavior and you don't acknowledge that you're
doing something wrong. If you surround yourself
with people who don't challenge your perspective,
or people who just are yes men and yes women
and yes people saying, yeah, whatever, I agree
with you, whatever. Those relationships are not
challenging you to think outside the box and
to think outside of yourself, to think about
other perspectives and lived experiences of other
people around you. The people that are constantly
just hyping you up, like it might seem supportive,
but are they hyping you up? where you need to
be hyped up, or are they hyping you up in harmful
ways as well? Are they hyping you up when they
see you doing something that, if you did it to
them, they would be upset? Having that mindset
of, I see someone doing this behavior, let me
put myself in this person's shoes. Would I be
upset or hurt by this? If so, why am I supporting
this behavior? And everybody has their own thoughts
and opinions and the way that they were raised,
the environment that they were raised in. It's
way more complicated than just advice of do this
and do that. You have to really sit with each
situation and think about what the outcome could
be, what your impact on the situation is, and
what you feel you bring and or take out of the
situation, if that makes sense. If you're watching
somebody actively hurt other people, whether
it's in person, at a job, on social media, is
that really a yes -slay moment? Or is that like
a, that's bullying, dude, moment? Even if you
don't agree with whoever is being bullied, like
if they did something that you don't agree with,
in my brain, that doesn't usually mean that going
after that person or starting like this huge
thing is gonna do any good because it's just
gonna weigh more in your conscience and that's
gonna bring more negative energy into your life
and It's not helping you improve who you are
and the life experiences you're going to have
so to grow you need to acknowledge When you see
something or feel something that you're doing
is wrong admitting to yourself that it's wrong
and feeling that pain of, I hate that I did this.
I hate that I upset this person. I hate that
this didn't work out the way I wanted it to.
I'm really hurt right now. That's valid. That's
completely valid and sit with that hurt. Like
really think about why does this hurt? Does it
hurt because people see me in a way that I don't
want them to see me? Does it hurt because I went
against my morals in some way? Why does this
hurt? And if you can go to therapy, always something
that I recommend, of course, is to go to therapy,
talk to the therapist about it. I'm not a licensed
therapist or anything like that. I just have
the advice that I have. Always seek professional
help. if you feel you really need to discuss
these topics with somebody like a therapist or
a counselor. But you're never going to be able
to have that accountability. You're never going
to be able to grow if you don't let yourself
feel that pain first and feel that guilt first.
If you go through life with blinders on to all
of your actions, some point it's going to come
back and bite you in the ass, and it's going
to bite you in the ass hard. You won't know when
or where it's gonna happen, but it will happen.
It's for sure gonna happen. It's much easier
for you to take these moment by moment, assess
the situation and say, okay, I did this, this
was the outcome. What do I do now to move forward?
Do I wanna make it better? Did I achieve the
outcome that I wanted? It's a lot of questions
that you have to ask yourself in those situations
and be willing to sit and work with yourself.
That way you have more insight and you have more
empathy towards the others that are around you
and not thinking that the world revolves around
you. Yes, you made a mistake. That doesn't mean
you're a horrible person. That also doesn't mean
to throw yourself a pity party either. Pull yourself
up. Dust yourself off and fix it. And if people
want to hold it against you for the rest of their
lives, that's their issue that they need to work
out. You don't need to prove yourself. You are
in competition with yourself. I was like, you've
been talking way too long. You're dying now.
Yeah. Well, you, you rest your brow. I'll definitely
make the comment as, as the POV of the kid. part
of things where it's just like, I'm learning
it. I'm learning how to take accountability and
how to grow to be a more mature, better person.
I will say that the biggest struggle for me at
first was to stop being defensive over myself
because it's very easy to get caught up in the
moment and caught up in your own intentions.
that you stop listening to the other person and
you stop listening to the fact of... The fact
is, if you hurt somebody with your words and
you never intended for them to take your words
that way, that doesn't stop the hurt that happens.
That doesn't... And that fact was very hard for
me to understand for a long time. because my
counter -argument was always the same. It was
like, I didn't intend to. And that doesn't matter.
I'm telling the other people listening to this
podcast who maybe also struggle with this, you
have to eventually get to the point where you
understand that your intention does not matter
because you still hurt them. Yeah. And the reason
why they're bringing that up to you And so that
way, and you apologize and you never say those
words to them again. And again, it doesn't matter
what your intentions were. It doesn't matter
if, you know, you were doing something for them,
but they have a very particular way of doing
things or maybe they were going to do it. And
now you just ruined their whole process for the
day. or something like that. Even the most kind
things can be very detrimental to some people
because they have a process. They have a way
that they want to do things. It took a while
for me to understand that I need to listen more.
I needed to take accountability how I was being
perceived. You cannot listen when you're angry.
You cannot. You cannot listen at all when you're
angry. No. Or defensive either. You have to be
so aware of yourself. Yes. A lot of people, especially
when we're growing up, we're starting to have
adult relationships, we're starting to have adult
roommates, we're starting to have partners move
in with us, that kind of stuff. It's very easy
to be so used to being by yourself or just listening
to yourself. that you don't think about how you're
feeling in the moment. You don't think about,
oh, I'm actually frustrated because it's been
a long school day or it's been a long work day.
And so you take that frustration home and then
now you're angry. Now you're yelling about intentions.
You're yelling about miscommunications or small
little things that just explode. And there is...
a lot of self -regulation that I feel like we
don't emotionally teach people, I guess is the
way to put it. We don't acknowledge it enough.
We just be like, ah, go figure it out. Yeah,
we need a MoDrawing Charity 101 in classrooms.
We really do. Seriously. We really do. I've seen
this chart in so many therapist's offices. offices
where it's, are you mad or are you frustrated?
Are you mad or are you this? Are you mad or that
kind of stuff? And because a lot of those emotions
can be subdivided into, are you angry, sad, or
are you angry, tired? Are you angry, et cetera,
et cetera? So if you don't have that kind of
ability to check in with yourself emotionally,
you will be reacting to things that you have
no reason to react to. Reacting it out on other
people too that have nothing to do with it. And
you can justify it in your brain that, oh, they
pissed me off anyway. But do they really though?
Is the justification in your head actual justification
or is it just you wanting a reason to feel the
way that you feel and wanting to feel validated?
Yeah. And that's, it's, you can't be self -centered
when it comes to when it comes to growth and
accountability. There were a lot of people that
I hurt when RSP shut down. There were a lot of
people that were upset, and they were so valid
for being upset. And obviously my intentions
were never to make people upset. They were never
to do things in the wrong way, but it happened.
And I have since learned from that. I have since
stopped, reassessed. and told myself, okay, I
still want to see my dreams come to fruition.
I still have these creative endeavors I want
to do. And I love the stories that I've come
up with, but I can't rely on other people so
much anymore. I can't just go into things blind
and just think that in good faith that it'll
work out. Like, I need to be smarter. I need
to be more rooted. I need to understand. my goals
before I just rush into something. And that for
me, like my biggest growth was that experience
because it was just, it was so much. And do I
think that all of it was on me? No, I think that
there were some things that could have been handled
differently on all sides. But at the same time,
taking accountability that I really didn't know
how to manage a company. I was really all over
the place. And I was thinking, I'll figure it
out, I'll figure it out, I'll figure it out.
I didn't figure it out. Like, I was just constantly
adding more confusion and stress onto myself
to the point where it broke. And when everything
hit the fan, I was like, this moment is a moment
that I'm gonna remember. I'm gonna remember this
moment because It has such an impact. It had
a very big mental impact on me. I won't go into
details, but it was a very negative mental impact.
And then also the outcome of it painted me in
a very negative light. My intention was never
for that to happen. My intention was always to
try my best with what I had. And it was really
difficult to grow up and realize that I was not
fit. for running a company like this, especially
growing as fast as it was with not having any
funding, I was just not fit. And instead of accepting
that and facing that, I kept telling myself,
it's okay, it's fine, it's fine, I'll figure
it out, I'll figure it out. And I had the best
intentions at heart. And the thing is, you can
have the best intentions and things still work
out in the way you never wanted them to. It can
still all go to shit. It can still become the
biggest lesson in your life. I am very happy
for my experience because I was running the company
for five years and it did give me a lot of awesome
qualities and I learned a lot. But then you have
to think about the fact of what could I have
done better in that situation? I've sat and I've
thought a lot about that. A lot of it was just
because I didn't give myself time or grace or
like a pause. There was never just like a pause
for me to just be like, okay, chill. Whoa, you're
doing too much. Like on one paycheck, girl, you're
doing way too much. Cause I was so blinded by
the fact of wanting to see it succeed and wanting
everyone to feel included. And it just, I can
sit here all day and talk about what my intentions
were. That doesn't take away from any. upset
that I may have caused. It doesn't take away
from the fact that payments were made late, even
though they were made late. It doesn't take away
from those. It doesn't take away from those mistakes
that I made. And does that make me a horrible
human being? No, absolutely not. It makes me
a human being that made mistakes, that taught
me lessons that I needed to learn in order to
come into this next chapter of my life. I could
have seen it as, oh, woe is me, people hate me.
Like, I could have thrown a pity party for myself.
And I'm pretty sure I did for a while, actually.
I'm not even gonna lie. I'm pretty sure for a
little bit I did. But then it just, it doesn't
serve me anymore to sit here and villainize myself
and punish myself for something that has already
happened that has, the lessons have been learned
and we have moved on. The reason why I feel I
get such a good lesson is because sometimes the
best lessons are either the smallest or the biggest
impacts in your life, right? So that was a huge
one for me because I had put so much time and
energy and money into this project and to close
it down at first I was like, I failed. I failed.
There's nothing more to it. I failed. I suck.
And I just spiraled. But I have an awesome support
system around me. And if I didn't have them,
I don't know what would have happened. But I'm
lucky that I do. And that support system of people
who rallied around me and told me, like, these
are some of the people that have worked with
me forever that have told me, yeah, you made
some really stupid mistakes because you didn't
have any experience. You made some bad mistakes.
That doesn't mean you're a bad person. That just
means that you made mistakes and now you need
to learn from them. If you made those mistakes
and then you never learned from them, then it
still doesn't make you a bad person. It just
makes you like you're not actively becoming the
best version of yourself or trying. And some
of these people are like ride or die friends.
So going back to what I said before, when you
have people around you that are just like, yeah,
yes, man. Yes, whatever. They're not challenging
your perspective of saying, hey, no, I see this
differently. Same thing with a therapist. A therapist
should challenge the way that you're thinking.
There should always be somewhere where it's like,
what if you think about it this way? Let's think
about it from this person's point of view. Let's
think about it like this. Because we are all
multi -dimensional creatures and it's not my
way or the highway. It's not my story is the
exact right version of the story because everybody
else has a different lived experience and they're
valid so If people want to come to me and say
I'm horrible or I'm a horrible human being and
they didn't even hear my side They don't even
care Okay But I'm not gonna have a conversation
with you because that doesn't serve me There
there is no reason to have a conversation with
somebody who is not willing to have an actual
conversation like a mature, emotionally mature
conversation. There's a difference between having
an emotionally mature conversation and meeting
a goal, the two of you, or the group of you,
whatever it is, and having a common goal of,
hey, let's find a resolution to this. Let's come
to a peaceful conclusion. There's that way, or
there's a, it's, I'm right, you're wrong. I'm
good, you're bad, I'm big, you're small like
Matilda, right? Yeah. And it doesn't matter who
you are, you can't think like that. You can't
treat people like that. You have to understand
that everybody's side is their side, and they
should be allowed and valid to feel how they
feel. They also should be open to hearing that
other side as well, because... That's how we
grow as people is by incorporating other mindsets
and other perspectives into our circle and into
our mind so that we become more rounded individuals.
Because if we're so self -centered and we can't
see past our own noses, those experiences are
never going to become lessons to us. They're
going to become reasons why I hate the world
or reasons why I hate this person, reasons why
I generalize this group of people. It just, it
paints more negativity in your life than you
need. Taking accountability actually feels so
good in those moments when you're able to really
compartmentalize the situation and think about
it for what it is instead of reacting to it on
an emotional level. So I think that's something
that I learned. in the past year, at least, was
one of my biggest lessons, obviously, was that
too much, too fast, too much, too fast, and too
ambitious, too ambitious for the skills and the
resources that I had. Too ambitious for the skills
and the resources that I had. So, absolutely.
I would never consider it a failure because I
feel like it taught me so many great things.
It introduced me to so many great people. That
to me is a win. Even if it didn't work out the
way that I had hoped it would, it still is a
win to me because regardless how everything happened,
there were still so many good moments. There
were so many laughs. There were so many fun memories
that I had. So instead of focusing solely on
the negatives, I try to balance them as well
with the situation of, what about the positive
side of the situation? Yeah. Think about that
too. So if you're not focusing only on the negatives
and you bring in some of those positives, you
allow yourself to have that balance. It brings
like a sense of relief and it lightens that load
a little bit as well because there were obviously
good times and there are people who are still
100 % supporters of mine and friends of mine
who had my back through everything. And I'm so
grateful for them. And does that mean I didn't
mess up and make mistakes? No, I did. I will
say that till the end of the earth. I'm never
going to be like, it wasn't my fault. Like, I
literally, there's things where things can be
taken out of context. And that's a whole different
conversation that I won't get into. But when
it comes to owning mistakes, when it comes to
taking accountability for things like that happened,
Don't let yourself spiral so much that you lose
those important parts of yourself that remind
you that you're still good and you're still learning.
I'm 33, but that doesn't mean that I'm too old
to learn new lessons. That doesn't mean that
I have more life experience than anyone and I'm
here like telling you to be like me. No, I'm
like, I have made a shit ton of mistakes and...
I've learned from all of them and I will continue
to learn from them and that is what makes my
growth so great. Because I know it's putting
me in the right direction and on the right path
to be the best version of myself. That is what's
important. And now I need a drink. Which means
it's Gabe's turn to talk. Listen, this is what
happens when you got the expert over here and
I just I'm the intermission in between water
You're the halftime show I'm doing a little jazz
number. You can't see it obviously because it's
audio only but I'm doing I promise I'm like breaking
it down as I speak right now. It's great You
better come in on one of those big -ass mechanical
like lions like Katy Perry did or I'm gonna be
very upset Yeah, that's exactly what I'm doing
right now I guess one thing that you mentioned
was something akin to how you carried a lot of
guilt at the time when it comes to RSP. Had
to struggle to get yourself out of it in order
to allow yourself to re -approach your creative
endeavors and all that kind of stuff and reformat
it into a way that's manageable for a one -person
team. And I want to talk about that whole carrying
guilt process. If you're comfortable, you don't
have to divulge into details. But one thing that
I tend to struggle with is the idea of forgiving
too soon, forgiving yourself too soon, or forgiving
yourself too late, where it's like sometimes
you hold that guilt. uh, for a very long time
and it like prevents you from even talking to
the other person or it prevents you from doing
anything around that person because it's like
you're walking on eggshells or it can have the
extreme opposite effect of you don't carry it
enough to the point where it sticks if that makes
sense and so you continue to make that mistake.
Right. You just continue and then it almost never
sticks. So I guess I'm realizing right now that
I'm very much the all -or -nothing mentality
as a mental illness. But anyway, we're going
to save that for a therapy session. No, I get
that because I mentally, I deal with like, I
have BPD, I have therapy and I'm medicated. So
one of the things about having BPD is for me
specifically, the emotional. Irregulation has
always been like a really big issue. So when
I wasn't medicated, I was all over the place
in my 20s. Oh my god, girl, calm down. It was
just, she was a mess. Okay. So we'll just say
that. Still a mess, but a little bit less. It's
a little bit less. I need to have that on a shirt
right now. I'm going to go trademark it, bear
it back. But literally seeing the gray area with
things, especially in a situation that you're
so emotionally invested in. It can be really
difficult to be like, it wasn't all good or all
bad. It was just like, it was just what, it was
just right in the middle. There were some good
and there were some bad and it was a balanced
process. But for people like myself who struggle
with emotional, those instability with emotions
and being able to compartmentalize, find that
gray area. have that kind of all or nothing mentality
usually. Not obviously, I'm not diagnosing, I'm
not saying any of that. Don't stop it. Anyway,
but it's when you have that all or nothing mindset,
that will consume you because it doesn't matter
if it's all good or all bad in your brain. Like
it's still going to consume you and it's going
to stall any progress that you're going to make
on yourself. If it's about, like you said, the
guilt. Oh, I did this thing. I upset this person.
I really wish I could reach out and apologize.
Unless that person was like, don't talk to me
again and has set that boundary, obviously respect
that boundary. If you haven't talked to that
person and you feel like you could, maybe you've
taken some time away, there's some space that's
been given and you decide, let's try again. Let's
try to have this conversation now that there's
been space, now that there has been time where
we have been able to remove ourselves from the
situation, a lot of times, you come back to that
person, have a conversation, and either you continue
with the relationship with them, and it's even
better than it was before because you have this
new level and deeper understanding and able to
communicate with each other, or like recently,
like I've contacted and had people contact me,
from various stages of my life and have apologized
to me and I've apologized to them and we've had
conversations. Some of them I've become friends
with again and our friendship is even stronger
and it's that closure was there and it was done,
we're good now. Like we're not gonna hold that
over each other's heads anymore. And some of
them were just like, either I or that person
left the boundary of I don't wish you any ill
will, but I... don't really feel like we vibe
in each other's lives. And then you're like,
okay, you apologize for your part that harmed
them, and you part ways. It's really that simple.
If somebody wants to be negative and nasty to
you, that's on them. That's not on you for trying
to be cordial. That's on them. People can paint
you as the villain in their story. They can make
any narrative about you that they want. If they're
not actively trying to understand your side,
why are you so worried about what they think?
If they don't, if they're not willing to have
that conversation with you or be open to understanding
that you're both people and you both had an experience,
why are you allowing this person so much rent
in your head? You know what I mean? So that energy
should be matched with an understanding of, I
want to amend things. I wanna talk to you just
to give you shit and make you feel horrible about
yourself. No. I'm not entertaining that. I don't
need that in my life. I'm working on growing
and bettering myself. If you're only here to
serve to make yourself feel better for being
a bully, nope. I'm good. Have a nice life. I
wish you love and love. Nope. Not doing that.
And that is just you setting a boundary. That's
not you being rude. That's not you being, see,
this person's off. No. You have a right to say
to somebody, I'm not engaging in this conversation.
because you are determined to misunderstand me.
I will not have a conversation with somebody
who is determined to misunderstand me. I will
only have a conversation with somebody who wants
to have a mutual exchange in that conversation.
And so I'd say with that, that will help with
the all or nothing mindset, knowing that Is this
worth it? Are they coming at me in a way that's
respectful? Even if they're like, oh, I don't
need to respect you. Yes, you do. Everybody deserves
to be respected. And it's just one of those things,
if you're asking for a conversation with me,
you're trying to engage with me, I expect the
same respect I would give you back. I know we
talked about this a little bit privately. I'm
not sure, but like... giving accountability to
other people. I think we addressed that a little
bit in the let them theory, I think. We talked
about how, whether or not to get involved with
other people's wrongdoings directed at us. And
I guess I want to like talk about that a little
bit just because I feel like we, I guess we addressed
this so many times this season on the podcast,
but like the internet culture, it's a very, I
don't want to say inherently toxic. but it's
a very vindicative space where you feel like
if you have the ammunition to give accountability
to someone else, you have to use it. I feel like
a lot of people view that ammunition of accountability
almost again, like you have to use it. Like a
weapon? Like a weapon, yeah. You have to use
it as a weapon. You have to use it. or else this
person will never grow or else they'll harm someone
else or else or they'll get away with it or they'll
get away with it. Exactly. Yeah. And I think
that. A lot of people, myself included, I have
had that power of accountability where like I
could hold someone else accountable for their
wrong doings based on information that I have.
But because. the internet is so vast, like it's,
there's really no point. And I want to, I want
to emphasize that I'm talking about internet
accountability. I'm not talking about real life
accountability. That's very different. Yep. Because
when real life accountability, like in the workplace,
among real life friends, basically if you are
in a relationship with somebody, like friendship,
partner, romance, whatever. work, like if you
are in a real person, a real life relationship
with somebody that can't be severed with just
a block button, you have to use that accountability
or any kind of info you have to bring accountability
to that person. I feel like that's a very hard
rule, at least in my opinion, that you, that
people need to do. Online accountability, however,
It's a little wishy -washy because the internet
is so fixated on any wrongdoing anyone ever does.
There's a lot of he -said, she -said, they -said.
There's a lot of missing information. It's not
as black and white. It's not as black and white,
but if a lot of people feel like, oh, I have
that missing information, I should put it out
there. A lot of the times I feel like, because
I've seen a lot of YouTubers that have been around
controversy or have experienced controversy,
give this advice many times when it comes to
analyzing apology videos or whatever, is to just
not bring it up. Especially when it's something
minor, like this stealing and editing style.
Feeling an art style like something minor where
it's just in the end. It was solved It does not
need to be addressed or it's so minor that doesn't
matter and a lot of people will be like, oh I
have the other side of the story. I'll Put it
out there. I'll make it better But a lot of these
youtubers are like no that makes it worse you're
adding to the conversation you're digging more
animation and Munition to the opposing side.
It's very much like a court case almost for his
two lawyers on opposite sides. No, don't say
anything because then I have to give it to the
other guy. Whereas - Just wobble back and forth
and then it gets so lost in translation after
a while that it would just be easier to just
be like, okay, you know what, just going to drop
it. Life. Things will work out the way that they
are meant to work out. That's something that
spiritually I do believe in. I believe that karma
has kicked my ass a lot and probably still will
for stupid things I did when I was younger. There's
no time limit. Karma is not going to play favorites
and you will be served karma at any point in
your life that karma feels it's necessary. You
know what I mean? So it's something that we all
have to accept and it's something that we all
have to deal with is that We're all going to
do things and make mistakes and do things and
then be like, ah, man, I put a video on the Internet
and now I maybe it won't ever go away. And now
I can't take back what I said, even if I resolve
it with this person. Now there's that. I like
we're talking about the drama channels that we
spoke about this season was once you start down
that road, it's a slippery slope. Yes. And you
brand yourself as like this person who is just
talking shit about other people or spreading
negativity. I can understand why they think that
they're reporting on the news, but it's, again,
on the internet, there are so many things that
we don't know. There are so many things taken
out of context. There are so many assumptions
being made. And we are not lawyers. This is not
a court case. It's one of those things where
I feel like the internet amplifies things to
a point where it just, it's not that serious.
And sometimes it is. And if it is, then that
usually or should usually go to like real life.
But yeah, for example, like somebody sending
hateful things to somebody based on a video they
saw, but they have no context. Don't do that.
Don't be the person that sends hate. to people
just because you saw a video and you're immediately
jumping on the hate wagon. Think for yourself.
You need to, as a person, if you feel like you're
a grown person who can take accountability staying
on topic, like you should be able to observe
in situations and figure out for yourself if
you agree with the situation or not. And if you
don't and people are like, oh, I'm going to outcast
you. Okay. Would you rather be outcasted by people
who are toxic to you or stay in a relationship
with people who you feel like you're going against
your own morals or you're giving into something
that you feel is wrong, just to appease people
and have friends? Those are not friends. If people
are not willing to hear your side and communicate
with you and have open discussions, then you're
not really in a true friendship. Because true
friendship and true relationships in general
are based on communication and understanding
and meeting each other halfway and having that
middle ground. There shouldn't be a power dynamic
in that. So being friends with somebody because
you're afraid that they're gonna take what you
say the wrong way or they're gonna cancel you
or they're gonna do that's a power imbalance.
That's very clearly not a healthy relationship
for you to be in. Yeah. So these are all things
that you need to think about when it comes to
these relationships. And you should always do
what is best for you. I, coming from a place
of being an absolute doormat for most of my life,
it's not selfish to have boundaries. And it's
not selfish or mean to say, actually, I don't
deserve you speaking to me that way. Please don't
talk to me that way. There's nothing wrong with
that. And if people take it as you being a jerk
or whatever, that's a reflection on them. A lot
of people's reactions and actions towards you
are a reflection of what they're going through
and how they feel about themselves inside. You
hear it a lot, but it's absolutely true. If you
are comfortable and confident within yourself,
most of the time you don't feel the need to tear
other people down. If you're truly comfortable
with yourself and you know yourself and you have
done the work on yourself, you don't feel the
need to tear other people down because they made
a comment about you or they spread a rumor about
you or somebody gave you a look. Like, your life
is so much more than that. We got bills to pay.
The world is going to shit. It's just... There
is so much more to worry about and to work on
and focus on in our lives than somebody posted
a comment about me on Twitter. Like literally
no. I feel like when you get out of the house
and you go to work or you go volunteer or you
do anything and you detach, that's really important
too. Like my wife Amanda and I have been It's
been very difficult financially, which is why
we haven't gone on a honeymoon yet, but we would
love to. We have different ideas, but our whole
thing for our honeymoon is we want to go on our
honeymoon and leave our phones and everything
in the hotel room. Yeah. or have them off and
only have a check -in to make sure, hey, how
are the dogs doing at home? Like maybe every
couple hours, how is everything? Detaching from
the internet and living life the way that we
did before the internet became such a huge thing,
where we had to talk to people. And if we had
a problem with them, we went in person and spoke
to them face to face. Or we wrote like a letter
or we called them like... The internet has made
it so much easier to not take accountability
and not grow and just be behind a screen because
you're safe there and nobody can confront you.
And if they do, it's just behind the screen.
So you can do whatever you can do or say whatever
you want. But the world, even online has become
more, I feel dangerous for everybody involved
just. because of the sheer toxicity that's around.
And that makes it harder for people to self -reflect
and grow and take accountability for things because
there are so many people who don't do their own
research or don't think about things through.
And they only think about, I saw this one thing,
so therefore I'm on this bandwagon. And that
is a very troubling mindset to have. and it stalls
any progression you're gonna do on yourself.
And the reason I want people to work on themselves,
like I have worked on myself and I continue to
do. It's so much more freeing when you know yourself
better and you're not living to... Put a mask
on for other people or living to appease other
people or what they think you are who they think
you need to be it is more There's more peace
internally. There's more happiness. There's less
stress like it just your body chemistry changes
when you feel like You're more of a rounded person
who can say and reflect on, oh, yeah, I shouldn't
have said that. Oh, I shouldn't have done that.
Or somebody says, hey, you said this instead
of going, no, I didn't. Or that's not what I
meant. Yeah. That defense, like that immediate
defense, which, I mean, I'm still guilty of doing,
and it takes a long time to unlearn those habits.
But being cognizant of them is the first step
of saying, I get defensive when I'm in a mode.
Knowing that's your first step to working on
that problem. And I also want to add in there
is for those who are on the receiving end of
someone else's growth, you're being apologized
to or they're realizing what a terrible person
they are. Don't use that as an opportunity for
revenge or petty or anything like that. It's
a strong urge. It's very easy to just be like,
I told you so, motherfucker. It's not, you know
what? What comes to mind for me is the growth
with this current political climate in the US.
A lot of people who have voted for Trump are
changing their minds. They are realizing. that
they made a huge mistake and at the consequences
the entire nation and the entire world is going
to shit. And some of these people that go to
the people who make those mistakes and admit,
hey, I really fucked that up. And they go, yeah,
duh. And it's, you're not helpful. You're not
being helpful. You are punishing them for having
growth. You are punishing them for. realizing
their mistakes and owning up to the mistake that
they made. A lot of people, especially young
people, grow up in Republican families and they
don't realize how wrong it is until they go out
into the world and they go to college or they
go to trade school or they just go to work for
the first time and they're not in their parents'
home and they have roommates that are different
than them. That's when they realize, oh, the
world is so much bigger than that. It's so much
bigger than my traditional family and my traditional
views and the hate that I was raised in. That's
so hard. That is so hard. Yeah. Yeah. A lot of
people, I'm glad they had that growth. I'm glad
they're able to get out, but sometimes it takes
that huge realization of, oh, the consequences
of my actions. What do we do now to fix it? Instead
of, yeah, I told you so. I'm going to beat you
down for it. It's too late now. No. What are
we going to do to fix it? Yeah. That's when you
offer the hand and you're like, I'm so glad we're
on the same side right now. Grab a sign. We're
going to go protest. Like it's not that I would
be protesting. No. To the cops that are hearing.
I'm not doing that. FBI Liz is part of the 20
viewers we have. One of them is FBI. I swear
to God. I swear to God, I know it's you. To our
20 viewers, most of them are cops. I'm kidding.
Not that I'm Lee. Honestly, that would be so
funny. I'd be like, thank you. Thank you so much.
No, I'm totally not ACAV. Who said that? What?
But that's within two is it's like, as soon as
you started mentioning that, I posted a video
on TikTok of me the other day because I was just
broken. I was broken down because my family voted
red and they're still backing that decision.
I just... I was so broken because I love my family,
especially my dad. My dad has always been my
best friend. He's always been somebody with such
a big golden heart that now it's like, how can
you see everything that's happening and still
back up your decision and say that when I bring
you facts, it's propaganda? And it just... I
broke down and it wasn't because I was like,
okay, mandatory crying TikTok video. It literally
was just me saying like, how do you love somebody
who is actively making choices that harm you
and your community and the people around you?
How do you still love them? Because people made
comments about, he's not the same man. He's a
horrible human being now. He doesn't, he's never
loved you. He's never supported you. And I'm
like, okay. Yeah, then that's not how that works.
That's the thing is I know he loves me. I know
they love me. Yeah. But it's a huge difference
in opinion. And there's a lot of people who claim
it's, I'm not going to go into politics because
I don't understand politics. I'm not a person
who can debate on politics. Yeah. I simply see
what I see and experience what I experience.
And for that, it was just hard because in my
brain, I was like, I don't want this to tear
me away from my dad or my family, but it might.
And that alone is really upsetting. It's heartbreaking.
And people who are just like, they never loved
you. I'm like, don't like that. That doesn't
help. And they're like, he's no longer the same
man. These things of making it so extreme where
it's like, I understand where they're coming
from. Absolutely. Because I'm pissed the fuck
off at what has happening right now too. And
that's why I was in so much emotional pain because
I was like, how do I navigate this? What do I
do? Like, I love my family so much and yet this
is what they're doing? And I know the response
is cut family off. And it just, that's so heartbreaking
for me to think about. And then people think
or like trying to be like, oh, this is whatever.
I'm like, that's not the, that's not the advice
I'm looking for. I'm not looking for you to tell
me and tear my family down. It's more on a moral
level. Do people also feel this way? Do people
also feel like they're in the situation where
you've grown up with this family that loves you
and supports you and Outside of politics are
amazing people. Yeah. That one factor, that one
factor, which is a huge factor, don't get me
wrong, but that's what makes it so difficult.
And that's why it was so gut wrenching for me
to talk about. And I just, most of the time just
was like staring off into space because... I
was still traumatized in the video, and I wanted
it to be very raw and real for the people that
watched it to be like, if you're feeling as confused
and as angry and as upset as I am, you can talk
to me, leave it in the comments. And there was
so much support. There were some mean comments,
but I would say 99 .9999 % of the comments on
that video were so supportive and wonderful.
We're people in the same boat. Like it is really
difficult to still have love for somebody whose
decisions and behaviors and choices are directly
impacting your life and this in the country that
you live in. And it's just, it's terrifying.
So they don't want to do anything. Yeah, they
don't. And it's one of those things where it's
like you can't force them to grow. You can't
force them to change. and you have to, for your
own mental health, just be like, okay, you can't
force people to grow like with my mom, her sister,
and her dad. Because I use her as an example,
even though they're my aunt and my grandfather,
she's obviously way closer to them and lives
near them anyway. But for my mom, she has me,
a trans man as her kid. And so many times when
she's had conversations with my aunt, and for
dad, she uses me as, and I give her permission
to, uses me as like an emotional reaction almost,
trying to wake them up where it's like, Gabe
can't have a driver's license right now. Gabe
can't go to healthcare. Gabe can be turned away
at a doctor's office because of who he is. How
are you not upset about this? How do you not
understand I, as a mother, have to watch my child
go through all these struggles and you feel nothing.
This is your grandchild, too. This is your nephew.
And you're okay with what's going on. And she
continues to have this conversation to the point
where I have recently been like, Mom, you got
to stop talking to these people because there's
no way that she's going to get into them. I give
them so much credit, though. Yeah. Hell yeah,
all there. I love my mom for that. But yeah,
she because when they when Donald Trump won,
I and my mom had a call about it. And now at
that moment, I was like, I'm cutting off everyone
in the family that has voted for him. Yeah, that
was just like my decision. Hey, I told her I
told my brother, hey, you can have whatever relationship
you want with those people. But if they're in
the room, I'm not going to be there. Like I'm
that's my choice. That's I'm going to avoid them
as much as I can, that kind of thing. For a while,
my mom still was pretty neutral with her family,
but a few months ago, I want to say it is when
she was just like, yeah, I'm cutting them off
too. I'm not cutting off, but definitely being
like, I'm not hanging out with them anymore.
She hasn't seen her dad since, I think, his birthday
a few months ago when she forced to be there.
you can't make people change, you can't make
them grow, and you have to just be okay with
it. That's the worst part is you have to be okay
with it. It's bringing tears to my eyes just
thinking about it. As you said, I've told you
this privately, but my grandfather was the first
person to openly accept me from my extended family.
as being trans. I was barely out. It was my first
family gathering since I was been out. He made
sure I was comfortable. He made sure everyone
knew my preferred name. In the same heart -wrenching
way, this is the same man that voted a felon
into office that now doesn't want me around.
I totally understand and I'm sure everyone understands
how gut -wrenching this is. They can't take accountability
for their actions if they don't want to. They
can't make growth if they don't want to. The
most that you can do is make sure you never end
up like that. I never want to be like my grandfather
where I would love and accept children in my
life and then turn around and harm them. That's
something that I will never do. That is something
that I have learned. That is something that I
will never do. And it sucks that I had to learn
it from him, of all people, but now I'm aware.
Now I'm like, no, not going to happen on my watch.
I'm cutting this shit short. It's a lot, but
I think in closing because we covered quite a
bit today. No, we did. Yeah, it's a lot It's
a lot to be human. It's a lot to be human around
other humans and not share the exact same brain
cells and thoughts and morals and It's frustrating
and it's hard the only way that we can come together
as people and have more peace is having more
communication and understanding on all sides.
And I know that's hard. I know that situations
are different. And I would say try to, my advice
for our closing of season one, give yourself
grace. Know that you are human. You're going
to make mistakes. You have flaws. That doesn't
make you a bad person. It doesn't make you horrible.
You need to be able to look within yourself and
work on the things that could be harmful to yourself
or others and acknowledge those things, work
on them, allow yourself to grow and feel those
moments of, I don't like that I did that, I feel
bad. You have to feel those emotions, otherwise
you're not learning from it. there's a difference
between feeling those emotions and reveling in
those emotions and just being like, this is my
new identity. Your mistakes are not your identity.
You are allowed to grow and evolve as a person.
You are allowed to make changes to who you are.
You may have had thoughts 10 years ago that you
no longer think now. People are always growing
and changing. So if people want to consistently
hold things against you, Let them and know that
it's a reflection on them and not. You are doing
everything you can with the cards that you were
dealt by the universe. And that's all you can
do. So I would say for me, make sure that you
are talking to your support group. If you can
go to therapy, I highly recommend it. Even for
small conversations, it helps. Do something every
day to try to better yourself or challenge your
way of thinking every day. That helps a lot.
What about you Gabe? What are your final thoughts?
My final thoughts is there's already so much
negativity and hate and bad things around us
already that you should give yourself love and
patience and forgiveness for your mistakes. give
yourself the room to grow. I know it feels very
easy to feel nihilistic right now, but you've
got to stay alive. You got to stay safe. You
got to stay here because there is going to be
room for you. This too will pass. Just like it
has before because God has it have before, but
this too will pass and we can only hope that
we We grow and we learn and we hold each other
and ourselves accountable for what's going on
around us, for what we're doing to ourselves
and our community around us, what we're doing
for our community, and just stay off the internet
if you can help it. Not going to help you. Not
going to help you to see all that all the time.
Take a break from the news. Just sit down. Go
outside. Touch some grass, go for a walk, breathe.
I know it's hottest. Better yet, roll in the
grass. Roll in the grass. Roll in the grass in
90 degree weather with a water bottle on hand.
Gabe, I'm sweating so much right now. If you
do go outside, know the signs of heat stroke,
carry two water bottles if you can, and carry
a buddy with you. There's so much more to life
than what's on the internet to what's on the
news that obviously you shouldn't ignore everything,
but you should allow yourself breaks. Just like
how you take breaks from studying, how you have
breaks on work. Give yourself a break from all
that you see and take a breath. You're going
to be okay. We're going to be okay. I'm going
to hold your hand right now. We're going to be
okay. We should all take a deep breath, ready?
We're gonna deep breath. And exhale. We're all
gonna be okay. We're gonna be okay. We are all
here and you are free to reach out in the comments
and I will respond. Gabe has mentioned your social
media, your YouTube. You can follow me pretty
much on all socials except for... I don't think
I have an ex anymore for reasons, but Song of
Rain pretty much everywhere. I'm very active
on my TikTok if you want to chat there. If you
want to shout out anywhere, they can chat with
you and then we'll close. I'm on Tumblr, Twitter,
not so much. I just have the handle to be honest,
but you can try reaching out anyway. Maybe I'll
see it. YouTube for the most part. Instagram,
I'm not. Super active. It still exists, but all
of the, the ads are Astra underscore nights.
Okay. And you can just, you want to reach out
if you just want to see good art, you can see
that. If you want a distraction from all the
bad things, I'm a pretty good, I'm pretty distracting.
I'm more distracted than anything, but. And Gabe
is part of a cool project coming up. So. We will
have a story podcast of my stories that I've
created in podcast form coming, hopefully, by
the end of the year, if not next year, and Gabe
will be doing some cool art for that. It'll be
so fun. Yes. Be excited for that. We probably
won't see the last of us, to be honest. Even
if this podcast doesn't come back, we'll do something
together. We'll figure it out. We'll make videos
together, obviously. Yes. We're like the dynamic
duo now, it's a thing. If not on your channel,
it'll be on my channel. Yes, absolutely. Okay,
everybody, drink water, get some rest, hug your
social supports close, and know that everything
is going to be okay. We're going to get through
it. With that being said, thank you all for watching
the first season. of Real Talk with Rayne and
Gabe. And if you'd like a season two, let me
know. Until then, I'll be working on the podcast
story and prioritizing that. So if I don't see
a lot of season two, please comments. I'll probably
put it on the back burner and work on the podcast
stories. So either way, let us know what you
think and be well. Take care of yourselves, guys.
Bye. Bye.