Hello, everybody. Welcome back to Real Talk with
Rayne and Gabe. I'm here. It's me, it's Gabe.
Today we are going to talk about the let them
theory because I have been talking about this
on my TikTok and I'm a little bit obsessed and
by a little bit a lot. This is the theory written
by Mel Robbins. And if you haven't listened to
the podcast already, like we're not sponsored
or ad or anything like that, but just my own
personal recommendation because I was listening
to this on the way to work and it really changed
my mindset literally within 15 minutes of how
I view situations and a new mantra to invite
into my life. So it is on Spotify. That's where
I listen to it. And there's a 15 minute one that
you can listen to, which is the let them theory.
So I really highly suggest that you go listen
to that. And anywhere else that you can find
the Let Them Theory by Mel Robbins is awesome
if you want to look into it. So I wanted to start.
There's a article from wondermind .com and I
wanted to go ahead and read this article because
it's basically summing up everything, right,
about the Let Them Theory. And also talking to
Mel Robbins about where this came from, her experience.
Please correct me if I'm wrong. If I'm using
the wrong pronouns, I'm not quite sure what Mel
prefers, but I wanted to go ahead and read this.
And it is the Let Them Theory is the secret to
giving less fucks in 2025. And it's by Sam Brodsky
at wondermind .com. So credit to Sam Brodsky.
All right. Your friends hung out with you. Your
dad judges your job. The traffic freaking horrible.
These are shitty situations that make you frustrated,
angry, or stressed out. Probably all of the above
if you're being honest. But according to author
and podcast host Mel Robbins, the let them theory
can help you rise above it all. The idea is that
what's done is done. Your pals didn't think to
or want to invite you. You can't magically change
your dad's mind, and you cannot bibbidi -bobbidi
-boo bumper -to -bumper delays. But you can talk
to your friends about your FOMO, fear missing
out, or prioritize other connections. Focus on
all the things you love about your career, and
use your travel delays to call someone back safely
on speakerphone. Sounds simple enough. though
there's a bit more to it. And that's the subject
of Robbins's new self -help book, The Let Them
Theory, which she co -wrote with her daughter,
Sawyer Robbins. If the advice to spend less time
worrying about what other people do or think
sounds a little familiar, that's because it is,
says Robbins. The concept of giving up control
has roots in Buddhism, Stoicism, the Serenity
Prayer, and radical acceptance, she notes. Robbins
explains how this concept works and why it can
benefit your career, your relationships, and
your inner rage monster at busy checkout lines.
Let us get into it. The first question, WonderMind
asks, what is the let them theory and how does
it work? Mel Robbins responds, the let them theory
is a simple mindset tool that has two parts.
The first part is telling yourself to let them.
during any moment in life where you feel annoyed,
frustrated, stressed out, or worried about a
situation or another person. As soon as you say
those two words, you are releasing control of
what another person thinks, says, does, believes,
and feels. Any psychologist will tell you that
whenever you try to control something that you
can't, it just creates more stress and frustration
and anxiety for you. For the first 54 years of
my life, I didn't know this. I'm a very smart
person, but I had no idea that my attempt to
control other people and little things that were
happening all around me, long lines or traffic
or somebody being rude, drained my energy. Once
you say let them, you recognize you can't control
what another person thinks, says or does. Therefore,
it is not worth your time and energy to try.
Then you say, let me, reminding yourself of the
things that are in your control, what you think
about another person or situation, what you do
or don't do in response to another person or
situation, and what you do in response to your
emotions. Every time you say let them, it's the
ultimate boundary between you and the rest of
the world. It is an act of self -love and self
-protection. you recognize that your time and
energy is worth protecting. Then you say, let
me, and you pull your time and energy back and
you get to choose what you do with it. If you're
standing at a long line, they've got one cash
register open and there are five people in front
of you, you might feel very angry. And that anger
means you just gave power to that situation.
But you have so much more power when you say,
let them run the store however they want. Let
them take some time. And then you come to the
let me part. Let me remind myself I can leave.
Let me remind myself I can listen to something
while I wait. Let me remind myself I could call
my grandmother right now. Let me remind myself
I could stand here, close my eyes, and meditate
for a minute. You have control over that. Next
question Wonder Mind asks, what about dealing
with a boss who's in a bad mood? Mel Robbins
says, Let them be in a bad mood. And remind yourself
that you're not your boss's mom and their mood
is not your responsibility. Ask yourself if this
is something that's happening this week or if
it's who this person is. Because if they're like
this all the time, no job is worth coming in
and dealing with this. And instead of going home
and griping to everybody, it is within your power
to find a different place to work. But if you
cower to their mood, you give all your power
to your boss. And I think the bigger thing is
for your readers is learning how to use this
around other people's opinions. Next question
from Wonderwine is can the let them theory help
you care less about other people's opinions?
Mel Robbins says, you will always care what other
people think. It is a sign that you're mentally
well, you want to belong and you want people
like you. That's a good thing. The issue is when
you give more weight to what other people think,
than you give to what you think about yourself.
You can't control what somebody else is ever
going to think or do. People might unfollow you.
They might roll their eyes. They might smile
to your face and then gossip behind your back.
And so instead of trying to gaslight yourself
and say, I don't really care what people think,
just say to yourself, let them think something
negative. The average person has thousands of
thoughts a day, many of which they can barely
control. And learning to say, let them be disappointed,
let them unfollow me, let them think something
negative, has been liberating because I'm creating
space for somebody to think whatever they want,
and I'm also acknowledging that I can't control
it anyway. The only thing that I can control
is what I think of myself. What I found is that
the more I just let myself show up in a way that
was consistent with what I value and what my
goals are, the prouder I was of myself and the
less I even thought about what other people were
thinking. And here's why. I actually know the
truth of who I am. I know what I value. I know
what my intentions are. And so even if I do something
out in the world that hurts somebody's feelings
or they misunderstand something, I just let them
and then I let me clean it up because that's
not what I intended. But I don't allow someone
else's opinion or someone else's disappointment
to actually impact how I feel about myself. Wondermind
then asks, how can the let them theory help with
decision -making, especially when you're worried
about what other people think? Mel responds,
the reason why we don't make decisions we know
in our hearts are right is because we're afraid
of how other people will feel or react. But most
of the time, somebody is going to be disappointed
or upset by the decision you make. Your roommate
is going to be upset that you want to move in
with your partner. Your parents are going to
be upset that you want to move across the country
or change your major. Your boss is going to be
upset if you say you can't work this weekend.
I personally believe you know what the right
decision is for you. You're just scared to make
it because you don't want to deal with other
people's emotions. This theory will teach you
two things. It can be true at once. Your boss
can be disappointed and you can't take a weekend
shift. They deeply respect. Your parents can
be upset that you're moving across the country
and you can still move across the country. Your
roommate can be really bummed and give you the
cold shoulder and sulk around for a month and
your friendship's going to be okay. Let them
sulk. Let them be disappointed. Let them be upset.
Let adults have their normal emotions. Wondermind
asks, but what if you're a people pleaser who
hates disappointing others? Mel responds, this
is something you were probably trained to do
during your childhood. Now it's time to fucking
grow up and learn to let people be disappointed.
Because when you say let them be disappointed,
you're breaking that pattern. You're separating
yourself from another adult's emotions. You're
recognizing it is not your job to parent other
people. Other adults are capable of handling
their emotions if you let them. Your mother will
get over it. Your friend will get over it your
boss will get over it. So when you say let them
you are breaking this pattern of people -pleasing
You're drawing a boundary and you're separating
yourself from this other person Then you say
let me remind myself. I have one job as an adult
to make decisions that make me proud of myself
I'm exhausted from work and I don't want to go
to a party with 12 people Where we're shouting
over the music and I don't even see my friend.
Let me decline the invitation and let me reach
out to my friend and say, how about I take you
out to all the vintage stores we love and out
for lunch, my treat, next Saturday. Wondermind
says, OK, but what if the person you disappoint
doesn't get over it? Mel responds, let them.
You get to choose whether or not you're going
to give this person time. You get to choose whether
or not their emotions are your job. You get to
choose whether or not you're going to prioritize
this friendship. And so that's why you always
have power. Wondermind asks, what's a common
mistake that you've seen people make when trying
to implement the let them theory? Mel responds,
the single biggest mistake people make is that
they only do step one. If you don't say let me,
it's very common to feel a little lonely. Let
my friends not invite me to brunch. Let my family
not return my phone calls or ever make an effort.
And then you're going to sit there in your judgment.
and that is the biggest danger of this. You have
to do the let me part. And a lot of people don't
like this part because this is where you look
in the mirror, where you stop blaming other people,
and you truly have to take responsibility for
what you do about it. This is where compassion
comes into play. Let's say you start to notice
you're the one who makes the effort and people
don't return your calls. They're not great about
texting or they don't initiate the plans. Well,
you're going to say let them because getting
upset and judging isn't going to help you and
it makes you stressed Let them be who they are.
They're revealing who they are and what they
care about Now you come to the let me part and
you've got a lot of things in your control for
example Let me really look in the mirror and
ask myself. What do I value? If you value friendship
and family and a social life, then it's your
responsibility to create it and you get to choose
whether or not you continue to pour time into
the friendships that aren't reciprocal or if
you're going to take that time and go make new
friends as an adult. You also get to choose,
by the way, to look at things with a level of
maturity and grace and say, I'm actually friends
with a lot of introverted people or a lot of
people who don't have the energy right now to
reach out. Maybe my role in our friendship is
to be the person connecting. Maybe my role is
the glue that keeps our family together. Wonder
Mind asks, what's your advice for people trying
to implement this theory into their lives? Mel
responds, anytime somebody is annoying you or
stressing you out, just say, let them. You're
going to feel instant freedom and power. Then
say, let me, and remind yourself, I have control
here. What do I want to do in response? If you're
in a very triggering situation or something that
is ongoing, like you just broke up and you're
trying to move through heartbreak, you're going
to have to say, let them walk out the door, let
them sleep with other people, let them move on,
let them not love me, over and over again. Because
the hurt doesn't just go away. You need this
to respond to emotions that keep rising up. And
the last question from Wonder Mind is, and any
advice for people who are scared to give up control
and just let them do their thing. And Mel responds
with, I am going to let you hold onto control.
Here's why. I can't change you. If it's working
for you, keep doing it. But if you're sick and
tired of being anxious and stressed out and frustrated
and exhausted, this theory will change your life.
And this interview has been edited and condensed
for length and clarity. So that was the article
from Wondermind and I love it very much. So.
while I take a swig of my drink. Gabe, what do
you think? I think that is actually a very solid
theory, because I'm definitely like, when she
was talking about the mistake people make when
they're only doing step one, like, sitting in
your... in your, like, stewed little anxiety,
that's definitely me. I am definitely that person
who is just, oh, yeah, let them... Only talk
to each other and not talk to me. That's fine.
It's totally fine. And then I didn't even realize
that I Did that and I didn't even realize that
there was a step two that I was just neglecting
but Now I do Yeah, I think it's a great theory
because people have a natural I think tendency
to, it's human nature, right? To want to control
the narrative and want to feel like they're being
seen and they're being heard and they're being
understood. That they have people around them
that agree with them. And that's where a lot
of the issues lie, right? Where people are so
divided because we either, it feels like we,
as a society, either all agree on something or
all disagree and it's very black and white. Rather
than people actually asking questions and getting
clarity and adults having deeper conversations
with one another and communication being important.
It's something that I learned getting my bachelor's
and working in human services that communication
can go so far, right? Just having open communication
with somebody and being willing to hear what
they have to say. However, a lot of people, especially
in our society, are not open to that and they're
either very closed off because of trauma, they're
closed off because of whatever is going on with
them. And they have that little voice inside
that's like, I need to feel like I'm not alone.
I need to feel like somebody understands me.
I need to feel like somebody has my back because
I don't wanna feel like it's me against the world.
So some people will act out of character and
will do extreme things either in the moment,
or all through their lives in order to fit in
with a crowd even if they don't completely believe
in what's being said or done. A lot of times
it's just that sheep flock mentality where it's,
oh, I don't want to be ostracized. I don't want
to be outcasted. I don't want to be left out
of something because that makes me feel worse
about myself. And we already have this like deep
insecurity when we question our own thoughts
and feelings. And I think that control comes
very natural to everybody. Some people are better
at getting over that than others, depending on
where they are in life. But for me, it's, I definitely
for so long, it wasn't like you said with, oh,
let them talk to each other and not me. I had
such a hard time with that growing up too. And
now I've realized that recently, before implementing
that let them theory, it was mostly about like,
why are they not giving in as much effort as
I'm giving in? Like, why am I always reaching
out? Why am I the one that's showing so much
time or making time for people and doing this
and doing that? And it just seems like they could
take me or leave me. And that hurts because I'm
like, I want to feel like you appreciate what
I'm putting out and you appreciate and we're
equal. And That's like that little, I think it's
like the ego too, where it's like, hey, like
I should be given the same amount of effort that
I'm giving you. That's fair. But we don't then
sit and think about all of the whys and all of
the reasons behind things where like she said,
you might have a friend that's just an introvert.
They might be going through something. They may
not feel social right now. And that's not against
you. It's just something they're going through.
So let them do what they need to do. And when
you release that control and that need to be
right and that need to control the situation,
it will actually improve not only your mindset
and your mental health, but improving your friendship
too, because you're not going to feel like you're
reaching out and going, hey, and like holding
grudges and being like, wow, I can't believe
we didn't hang out. I can't believe we didn't
answer my call. If you don't know what they're
going through, then to them, they're on the defensive.
So. We as a society, we don't communicate. We're
passive aggressive. We're defensive, and then
they become defensive, and it's just a constant
back and forth instead of us just allowing people
to do what they're gonna do. Yeah. Just whatever.
I can only control myself in my own body, in
my own life, and as much as I would love for
everyone to agree with me, Why do I feel the
need to be exalted like that? Why do I feel the
need to be accepted? Why do I feel the need to
put myself out there for people? What is going
on within me that is causing this need for constant
approval of other people when I need to work
on my own approval of myself? because if I don't
approve of myself, if I don't work on being comfortable
and safe and acknowledging my own pain and my
own insecurities and my own faults, I'm going
to put that on others, whether I mean to or not.
And that's what strains friendship, relationships,
family ties, anything. This theory really, when
I first listened to it was like, oh my God, it's...
telling you to stop being a control freak, but
at the same time, it's also telling you that
it's okay to tell yourself that you're valid.
And you telling yourself that you're valid doesn't
take away from your friendship with them. Giving
them the power to do what they need to do, what
they want to think and what they want to say,
that's on them. And their life path is different.
And does that mean that you need to sit there
and let people talk down to you or call you names
or accuse you? No. You don't need to sit there
and just be quiet and say, let them harass me
or let them be awful. No, you can always stick
up for yourself and you can always be like, no,
that's not okay. Yeah. Use your discretion. Obviously
situations are different, but it's not meant
to say be a doormat. It's meant to say each situation
is different and you have the power in that situation
to decide to walk away from something. And preserve
that energy and peace that's so important for
you to have within yourself that you lose trying
to get other people to want to agree with you
all the time. It's a very draining and emotionally
taxing thing to constantly seek that appreciation
from other people because you don't have it internally
for yourself. Any thoughts, Gabe? Yeah, and it's
just... As you were saying this isn't meant to
be only passive there is no You're not being
incentivized to Become a doormat or anything
like that You can be aggressive if that's what
you will want to do in step two in the let me
part Because sometimes that does it calls for
that sometimes you have to do that, but it's
just it's the fact that you are No longer giving
power to them That's important, I feel, as well
as like in response for the let me, because she
was talking about how context to the situation
can influence the let me with the example of
the boss either having a bad week or the boss
is like that all the time. If the boss is having
a bad week, your let me could be like, OK, I'm
going to let him. Feel how he's gonna feel and
me. I'm just gonna continue doing my work I'm
gonna keep trucking but if he's like that all
the time your let me could now become okay I'm
gonna let him feel his feelings Me I'm gonna
go to look for another job and that's you're
not being passive You're not letting that boss
walk all over you you are getting out of that
situation the best you can and I feel like What
tends to happen is people do see it as something
very passive, but I think it's very important
for people to understand that you letting them
have their feelings and continuing to do whatever
they want to do is not going to negate any consequences
that you give them as a result. If someone comes
to me, And this is just a personal experience
of mine that I'm just gonna air out here. Let's
say a friend of mine manipulates me and Tries
to get in between me and a partner because of
whatever reason My response is to be like, okay,
they can feel how they feel they can feel jealous
they can feel insecure They can be angry at me
for not giving them enough attention in comparison
to my partner. That's a valid feeling to have.
And the response is because that person was so
toxic to me, my response was to drop the relationship
with them. I didn't do that in the most healthy
way because I just ghosted them until they stopped
talking to me. But the point is, it's like that
wasn't a passive response. I didn't continue
to be friends with them. I didn't continue to
do Play ping pong between my partner and my friend
It was very much like this is the consequences
of your actions and some powers that they can
be harsh and sometimes they can't be passive
But the crime's gonna match the punishment. That's
just How it's gonna be so if someone is like
being a fucking asshole and harassing you at
work or Just being a fucking dick It's totally
fine for you to be like OK, you can be an asshole
to me. You can hate me all you want. But there's
a line in the sand, and if you start crossing
that line. Consequences are going to start wrapping
up. But because it's because again, we live,
we talked about this episode, but. The Internet
is going to hate on people for any small little
thing, and you can either decide to be like,
all right. whatever, it's this small part of
the internet, it's just words. But when those
words turn into harassing people in person or
doxing people, that's when you get the police
involved. That's when the let me becomes let
me get the police. So it's not passive. It's
not meant to be passive. It's not meant to be
just let them do their thing and I'll be over
here. You can still do something. If someone
is talking to you, say, for example, I'm on Twitter.
I make an art piece. I post it and it was a shitty
art. Oh, you know, the anatomy is wrong. Oh,
I hate the colors. I would take those. I would
be like, OK, they're allowed to hate my art.
That's fine. But I would take I would look at
those comments and I'll be like, OK, this guy
was a dick to me. I'm going to block him. Yeah.
Or it's, oh, that's actually a valid critique.
Let me re -learn my anatomy. Let me see what
I can do with my colors. Like there are, there's,
the power is now on me. I'm not doing it because
I want to appease them. I'm doing it because
it's, I want to do that. No one, I don't have
to relearn anatomy. I don't have to study up
on color theory if I don't want to. That's totally
up to me. I could be like no your critiques aren't
valid I'm gonna ignore you people like to think
that critique is something that you have to take
to heart all the time like in art school we would
have in -person critiques and a lot of people
would just be like oh, it's great Oh, it's perfect,
and I'm like we're in art school I need something
more helpful than this because you don't have
to accept every piece of critique thrown your
way Because sometimes someone will be like actually
I think you should use blue instead of red and
I'll be like actually The red is symbolic. So
I yeah, I appreciate that comment, but I'm gonna
keep my red Thank you though, like you can have
other people's opinions. You can have other people's
critiques and you decide What you're going to
do with that critique you can be like, alright
you like it better in blue I like it in red.
So I'm gonna keep in red I feel like that's a
lot of things that this theory brings up is just
that can be applied to all different facets of
life with critique in the job Friend relationships
romantic relationships just interacting on the
internet to be honest because like you're gonna
encounter people that have different opinions
or that hate you because you exist and you just
have to let them yep and then you have to decide
what you're going to do in response to that are
you going to block them are you going to never
talk to them again are you going to avoid family
gatherings because you know they're going to
be there and you don't want to be there like
they are there are different ranges of response,
and only you can decide what that response would
look like and warrant. And then they get to decide
as well, because in this theory, they also will
tell you, they're like, OK, you have your opinion
and I'm going to respond to it. It's a loop of
communication. As you said, it's just nothing
but communication, nothing but response. But
let thumbs and let middle decide. relationships
it'll help relationships it'll help understanding
it'll help prevent I would say a lot of heated
arguments if people are just like okay I'm gonna
let you make this horrible decision and I will
make the decision of how that'll affect me or
what I should do and sometimes that can be a
wrong decision it could blow things up out of
proportion in response. But then you have to
let them in their response of either doing nothing
or also another heated argument is, OK, that's
on me. I did that, didn't I? Like, if you're
going to put out negativity as part of your let
me, you got to expect negativity back a little
bit. You're not going to go anywhere positive
with that. But I've been rambling for too much.
You go ahead. No. I like listening to you talk.
Oh, thank you. No, I just I think that our energy
and our time is so precious and we just throw
it at people who don't care about it at all.
And I think that we need to get back to the spiritual
aspect of preserving our energy, preserving our
time for people who are. they don't necessarily
need to reciprocate the same level but at least
people who show up for you at least people who
are showing an interest in having a friendship
who are still reaching out and saying oh hey
i'm sorry i didn't get i didn't respond blah
blah blah i have a friend who i've been friends
with now almost 20 years when you were like what
26 are you calling me 46 No, you're right. It
was when you were 30, right? I'm 33, Gabe. I
know. Just so everyone's aware. Let me. Call
me old. It's fine. I choose not to give you my
energy. Anyway. What's your let me response then?
My let me is let me ignore that comment and not
let it affect my mental health. No, but I've
known this person since I was in high school.
So I'm 33. We met when I was like 14. I mean,
we don't talk every day. We used to when we were
younger, but we don't talk every day. And it's
not, so sometimes like I'll reach out to him
and be like, Hey, can you look this over for
me? Hey, can you review this writing that I did?
We've just had a very strong friendship where
he's like, yeah, sure. I'll look into it after
work. And we don't have to talk every day. He
never feels like it's me taking advantage of
him. He calls me and he says, hey, I'm looking
for a new job. Can you be a reference? Sure.
We haven't talked in three weeks, but it's still,
we know that we're there. And we have that core
foundation as well that we know we can call on
each other no matter how much time has passed.
And that's not necessarily either one of us not
putting in effort. It's just life sometimes gets
in the way. And it's situations like that where
if you're not talking every day, that doesn't
necessarily mean that your friendship isn't strong.
That doesn't mean that anything is drifting apart
between you two. That's where communication comes
in. But if somebody is genuinely trying to hurt
you, trying to put negativity into your life,
trying to harm your character, people around
you, that's something when It is valid enough
and powerful enough. It is very powerful for
you to say, you know what? You no longer have
access to my energy or my time. I don't need
to fight you. I don't need to argue with you.
I don't need to do anything. If you're doing
something wrong that I need to address. Sure.
But within whatever the situation calls for,
like you said, if authorities knew all that stuff,
it all depends on the situation, but If it's
just somebody at work, friend trying to start
drama, it's so valid and so empowering for you
to just be like, okay, thank you for showing
me that. I have no ill will towards you. I'm
no longer gonna accept you into my life. And
that's totally fine. Or somebody who, I had a
bully who came to me, I don't, I might've talked
about this on a podcast recently, but my memory
is, terrible, as I've said, really. It's, I don't
know what the issue is, but it's just very bad.
But I had somebody who I was friends with from,
oh God, I think we were friends from sixth grade
to eighth grade. And then we went into high school
together and she got involved with the wrong
crowd. And she went from being a best friend
to being somebody who was part of a group that
was sending me death threats that were sending
horrible things in my locker. It's just, it got
to a really horrible extent where at Some points
I didn't want to go to school because it's just
and it was all a thing where they wanted to look
big and bad like they were this group on campus
of high schoolers who were so cool and if you
were against them then we were gonna mess you
up and it in Hindsight as an adult like this
is stupid as a kid I was terrified and I was
so hurt beyond belief that this is somebody that
for two years prior I lived right next to, we
hung out almost every day. We were so close.
And just like that, it changed because they wanted
to be accepted into a cool group of people. And
so they were contributing to that. And it contributed
to the point where one day she came up and she
was like pretending like she was gonna fight
me physically. And I did not make the situation
better. I was a little bit of a shit. And she
was like, you don't know how bad I want to slap
you right now. And I literally, I kid you not,
leaned in and went, okay, right here. On my.
And I'm like, look you back, girl. What are you
doing? Did she get it? No, she got upset. She
like screamed and was like, ah, I hate you. And
walked away because I called her out on it. And
I was because I knew her so well that I was like.
One I could toss you like a frisbee Like girl,
but also to She's not gonna do that and it's
all for looks and it's all for the clout, right?
Yeah It was all based on like rumors that were
starting within the group that she believed in
that she didn't even want to talk to me about
she just wanted to Believe what people said about
me and come up and act like she was gonna beat
me up. Yeah, and I was like, okay And she didn't
do anything. The teacher came out, told me to
come into the room and was like, you don't need
to be dealing with this. But that girl about,
I want to say it was after college, but she reached
out to me. I think like my mid early mid twenties
was when this happened. And she reached out to
me on a game that we used to play together that
I was still on. I don't remember what it was,
but it was like a chat that she sent me. And
she had said, Hey, this is so and I hope you're
doing well. I just wanted to say that I've been
doing like a lot of thinking. I've been really
trying to be better about myself as a person.
And I wanted to acknowledge how much I hurt you.
And I want to reach out and just say that I'm
sorry. I don't expect a response. I don't expect
forgiveness. I don't expect anything like that.
And, but I just wanted to say that I'm sorry
and you didn't deserve that. And. I responded
to her like, I appreciate that apology. And I
acknowledged that obviously we both had things
that we did wrong in the relationship. We were
dumb kids and it's not negating anything that
happened or any behaviors that either one of
us did when we had arguments. But it was a really
nice gesture to have her reach out after all
of those traumatic things that happened. to apologize
and then for me to be able to acknowledge my
own part in that and accept her apology and tell
her, I don't think that we fit in each other's
lives right now, but I'm happy to see that you're
doing well and I wish you the best. And that's
where it ended. And we haven't spoken since,
but I don't have any ill will towards her and
she doesn't have any ill will towards me. And
it's just something as simple as that can really
make a difference. in your growth as a person.
You don't need to see everybody, depending on
the situation, obviously, use your discretion,
like I've said. But it's things like that where
you can decide whether you can lend some energy
to that situation. And I would always say lending
positive energy to a situation is better than
lending negative energy to a situation. And negative
energy being, am I doing this because I want
to get a reaction? Am I doing this because I
want to feel validated and I want to feel right
and I want to feel powerful over somebody else
or am I doing this because there's a misunderstanding
at hand or there's something that needs to be
corrected or I think there's like the positive
negative energy and got middle like neutral energy
where it's okay I might need to take action here
but I'm not gonna come at this with either a
you did nothing wrong or you did everything wrong
mindset. It's coming at it from, okay, I need
to address what you're saying and what you're
doing. And this needs to be corrected and then
they can choose however they want to respond.
But let me address what is misrepresenting me
and let them respond the way that they're going
to respond. Yeah. And that's all you can do.
Realistically, you can't control what somebody
thinks or feels about you. One of my favorite
quotes to go into this is literally, I am not
going to explain myself to somebody who is committed
to misunderstanding me. There's no room for conversation
here. There's no room for communication here.
I am not going to keep comments on my channel
that are just randomly horrible things being
slung at me because my channel is a safe space
and a positive space for myself and the people
around me. to celebrate our creativity and our
talent and to learn and grow as people. That's
what I want from my channel. And so if somebody
is coming in and just calling me a horrible name
that has no merit, no nothing, delete. No, get
off my channel. I'm not going to give you any
energy to that. You don't even deserve to be
on my channel if you're going to come in and
just start negativity for no reason. If it's
I've had people comment on my covers saying,
oh, your voice sucks. I hate your singing. And
I'm like, I'll leave those comments up because
in a way it's like I can respond to that and
offer a model of how people can respond in those
situations. Like with my therapeutic background,
a lot of times what I like to do as well is modeling
behavior that I hope to see in other people that
I've learned for myself works better. So I appreciate
your feedback. My voice is not for everybody.
I am sending you love and light. That's it. usually
when you respond to something negative like that
with positivity, a lot of times people, a lot
of times, not all the time, but a lot of times
people will take a step back and be like, oh
wait, like I look like an asshole now. Yeah.
And it's that, the introspection of, I think
that's the right word, of being like, okay, why
did I say that? What? did I want to get a reaction?
Sometimes it can make the gears start turning
in people when you model a reaction that's not
getting a rise out of somebody or people want
to argue over things on the internet. I saw a
picture the other day on Facebook just to prove
that people on the internet will argue over anything.
Here is a stick. And I was like... And then I
went to the comments. They were like, that's
obviously a branch. No, that's a twig. And I
was like... Oh my God. But it's so true. It's
crazy. And we're so far from the core of our
spirituality where our energy is meant to live
in peace with one another. It's meant to understand.
It's meant to create more positivity. It's not
meant to constantly be at war. the only way that
peace would ever be an option is if we all became
more spiritually in tune with ourselves. And
I'm not saying like you have to practice any
kind of belief or any kind of religion. I just
think that the open -mindedness and the communication
of society, it's so severed at this point. And
that's why there's so much drama and people always
being trained as they grow up. on the internet
to compete with one another instead of being
happy for one another. Somebody did something
amazing and followed their dreams, but they met
their goal before I did. Oh, I hate them now.
Why do you hate them? Why not just be happy for
them? Like, you're putting out positive energy
to be happy for somebody and seeing them happy,
that is something that eventually can come back
to you. Or just, you know, yourself feels better
for being a good person and being happy for somebody.
Like, why is that not more normalized? Why is
it not normalized to ask questions instead of
just believing anything that somebody says as
gospel, instead of being like, you know what,
there's always two sides to a story or even more
sides. And I'm going to do my own research instead
of just blindly being negative. in the spaces
that you're in because it tarnishes your soul
and your energy. And eventually it just wears
you down. It wears down on your conscience. It
wears down in your heart. You may not feel it
now, but you will feel it later. I've talked
about my family member who is like that and lives
alone and has no friends because that's how he
chooses to be. So for me, it's, sorry, Amanda
just walked into the room. So I was like, intruder,
but yeah, so I think that it's really more of
the mindset needs to switch and people need to
be open to other people's feelings and opinions
without seeing it as competition. Yeah. Do you
have anything to add to that? To that, I like,
because I totally agree with your point and I
totally like. Because I agree a lot of people
just carry this jealousy carry this hatred towards
somebody and so that makes them Influence their
actions in response to how they are and like
you mentioned how it's this Oh this person got
successful and I didn't so I hate them now And
it's the thing is especially like in a creative
industry. Yeah, it's hard. I love It's not even
just hard out here. It's like you are Decent
to somebody and someone gets maybe they're an
actor and they get booked or maybe they're an
artist and they just got onto Disney to animate
and storyboard because you know that person you
now have someone who is in that Industry and
if they're like, oh man, I could really use a
graphics artist or I could really use a colorist
or I could really use a writer Be like, oh, hey,
I know somebody like it's not like this clear
-cut thing all the time where it's just, oh,
it's us against them or them against me. No,
we are all here together. That's why connections
and networking. Yeah, networking. That's why
networking is so important. And I hate networking.
I hate it so much. But it's really important,
especially in the creative industry, because
you never know who will get the lucky shot. to
go somewhere. And if you know that person more
than likely to reach down and grab your hand
to take with them, you can burn bridges. That's
fine. Not every bridge is worth keeping around.
But you also understand that you can't be jealous
of someone for getting a role or getting an art
job in an industry or becoming a writer for a
TV show because that same person can then reach
to you and be like, let me introduce you two.
I know you. And either one of us can go somewhere
and bring me with us. And not just like us, but
we have other people we know. We have voice actors,
other artists, writers we know that we can take
with us. People like to think that... Everyone
just forgets about everybody else because you're
no longer working together or you're not friends
Yeah, you're not friends that you're not right
Lee talking to each other. No those people will
remember you and you have the power to Have that
be either a positive impression or a negative
impression Which is not a bad thing to have.
It definitely isn't. I would rather have neutral
than bad. I'd rather be like, hey, I know this
guy. I just, he didn't talk much, but he did
pretty good work. And also just like to wrap,
to go back to the theory for a second, talking
about being a people pleaser, right? Yeah. I
think you mentioned it before, but I am the people
pleaser. And I had a huge, like my coming out
to my mom I was so scared of disappointment and
stuff and she didn't react very well at the time
because she was scared for me because I'm trans
and there was all over the news a whole bunch
of trans people were being assaulted were being
victimized were basically given the short end
of the stick and I was basically telling her
hey mom And also in her mind, this was like a
choice I made. This was because she understood
that queer people don't make a choice. But she
was just like... In her mind, I was saying to
her, Mom, I'm making the choice to make my life
harder. And putting myself in danger. And my
mom was scared. And so she didn't believe me
when I told her that I was trans. She just blew
it off. And then we never talked about it. for
like years until I brought her to my therapist
to address the fact that she didn't see me as
trans and didn't respect me changing my name
or changing my pronouns or anything. And that's
when I realized that she was afraid. And. I'm
glad we had that conversation, but it's also
the fact that even if my mom continued to be
disappointed, I can still transition. My extended
family, they don't really understand that I'm
trans. They call me Gabe and he Hammons, but
they also make choices to support good old 47.
So they're probably not disappointed in me, but
they don't like me, obviously. But I can still
be myself. I can still be openly trans. I can
be unapologetically myself. to their face because
that's my choice. I can let them have their views
and I can let me be myself and I feel like that's
something a lot of queer people and people that
are currently living under this administration
need to hear is the fact that obviously you got
to take care of your safety but you got to just
let these people spew their hatred. And you got
to continue to be yourself. You got to continue
to fight, continue to be who I am unapologetically.
And it's hard. It's definitely hard in the current
political climate, but you got to keep going.
You got to take a deep breath and you got to
say, let me let them their thing and let me continue
to be me, continue to be proud. to be me continue
to be open about me and continue to live and
continue to fight because I feel like that's
a lot of people because they don't do step two
they only focus on step one right they just see
all this hate and they can be like oh I'm gonna
let go of this hate but then you feel so alone
because you don't allow yourself to continue
to be yourself, to continue to be, to make the
choice to be proud, to be loud. Something that
I heard recently that I definitely agree with
is that it is better to have transitioned at
all than to be stuck in a closet forever. Even
if something happens, worst case scenario. Something
happens because I am who I am I gladly to take
that risk because it is better that I lived as
I am then not lived at all and They can be hateful.
They can be spiteful. They can Spit in my face
if they want to but I'm gonna continue To be
me. I'm going to continue to live. I'm going
to continue to fight and continue to love I'm
going to continue to be loved and happy and healthy
and Living my best goddamn life in spite of whoever
they are It's not just like bigots. It can just
be people who just don't like you They can just
hate you because they can hate me because I like
mayonnaise and be like, oh, that's a disgusting
condiment Why would you like it? I don't know.
I like not dry sandwiches. Yeah, but yeah They
can hate me for liking mayonnaise, but I'm not
going to stop eating mayonnaise. And there's
levels too. There's levels too where if they're
hating on you for something so minute like mayonnaise
or who you are as a person or any minor mistakes.
Normalize letting people grow from their mistakes
and not constantly holding pasts over their head.
If they're willing to grow as people, we should
give them the space to do that. Yeah. And it's
also just the fact that like even with all these
minor mistakes, just let them be happy. You don't
have to harass them all the time. You don't have
to continue to beat this dead fucking horse.
Because it's like, at this point, the horse has
been dead for months. It's really gross. And
you're continuing to fucking beat it as if it's
going to do anything. The fucking writer who
killed the horse is already - they own a ranch
now and they're taking much better care of their
horses. Why are you still beating this one horse?
Basically, the levels come into play too, depending
on what kind of mistake it was. Normalizing taking
accountability of, oh, yes, I've made mistakes
and I'm trying to work on them and be better
as a person, rather than just this defines me
forever. No, it doesn't. Unless you're doing
something truly like you're committing a crime,
then you go and there's a whole other side of
things. All the authorities get involved with
that kind of stuff, which Like, on the internet,
most of the time it's not that deep. And most
of the time it's, you're not a judge, you're
not the cops. Like, why are we trying to seem
so powerful to other people? I feel like we have
something missing within ourselves because we
have that need for that validation and that power.
When in reality, the power is simply you just
letting people be who they are and taking a step
back and... learning that you cannot control.
What happens, what they do, what they say about
you. You can control how you act. You can control
the energy you put into the world because it
doesn't matter how old you get, you will learn
new life lessons until the day you leave this
earth. You never are too old to learn. You're
not too young to understand something a lot of
times. I mean, to some extent you are. But in
terms of like, you're never too old to start
over and to make yourself a better person. It's
not too late for you to take the mistakes and
the challenges that you face and turn them into
something beautiful. Turn them into something
that helps you realize, wow, this is where I
came from and this is where I'm at now. Yeah.
Like that alone is something to be super proud
of. And again, it's like the levels of if this
is something that needs to be dealt with outside
of the internet, it will be in real life where
real consequences are. I'm talking, we're talking
about the little things on the internet, like
drama channels, like things like that, where
we don't have all the information. We don't really
know what's going on, but it gets sensationalized
and people give villainized and people have these
real moments of being harassed and not able to
live their life. And it's just, I think we all
need to just get to a more compassionate place.
Like I always say that, and I know it's, it may
not even happen in our lifetime, but my hope
for humanity genuinely is that As each lifetime
passes, we become more accepting of one another
and we call out the things that need to be called
out. And not just doing it for views or doing
it for feeling accepted by people. You don't
need that. You, as your own person, listening
to this podcast, you know who you are as a human
being. your heart, your soul. You know that you
have the capacity to change your own behavior
and you don't need to do it for anyone else other
than yourself. You don't need to prove it to
anybody. If you want to make a change and you
want to genuinely be a better person do it for
yourself because that is the most rewarding thing
that you're going to feel. I was at my lowest
point last year And from that lowest point, I
have been going straight up ever since. And I
don't care what anybody says, I've come into
my spirituality more. I've become more self -assured.
I've become more confident. I'm not as nervous
and trying to be everybody's buddy. I will say
what I need to say and you're not going to disrespect
me, period. And that's the thing is let them
do and say what they want, but you also have
the capacity to be like, hey, no. And that's
just being able to conceptualize all of these
different things, right? Yeah. But at the core
of it, what you want, what you put out is what
you're going to attract in your life. The energy
you put out is the energy you're going to attract
because that's how it works. And if you want
to see a change in your life, you want to see
a change in maybe the people that you're around
or Even if you want to change your mindset about
how you see something You shouldn't be afraid
of how it's gonna affect the people that are
around you and if they're gonna agree with you
or not Because you are your own person and you're
allowed to believe what you want to believe you're
allowed to have your own thoughts and opinions
and with harm to none You can have your thoughts
and your feelings as long as you're not going
out and actively hurting people as long as you're
not going out and doing horrible things It's
really nobody's business what you do. And you
at the end of the day know who you are. The people
that are around you know who you are. And even
the people that are closest to you, if they're
having a bad day, like my wife is like, whatever,
I get an attitude with my wife because I'm like
irritated or hormonal or something. She's just
gonna be like, okay, let rain be pissy. in vice
versa if she's irritated or I'm irritated and
we're like oh my god whatever you're being so
annoying but then like in a minute like when
you don't respond to that with anger and you
don't you're like oh my god no you like you're
just okay I'm sorry let me know when you want
to talk yeah it's that de -escalation happens
so much faster and you're like wow okay I'm being
ridiculous right now. So now I want to talk and
now I want to talk about how I was feeling or
if anything was underneath that and having that
communication. But I know we've been chatting
for a while. So maybe to wrap things up with
final thoughts, with discretion, let them do
what they're going to do, say what they're going
to say to your discretion and let yourself to
your own discretion do what you're gonna do,
think what you're gonna think, and feel what
you're gonna feel. And people might take it out
of context and be like, I'm a guy, can't believe
I'm here, I'm here. And make edits and things
like that and try to make you say something you
didn't, let them. It's just, at the end of the
day, it's people who are unhealed that refuse
to grow and work on themselves that just want
to feel something, even if that feeling is hurting
somebody else. And that's... a very sad way to
live. It is a very sad, lonely way to live when
you only exist to have the approval of other
people. So, take from that what resonates and
leave anything that doesn't. Any final thoughts
from Gabe? Yeah, my final thoughts is people
can be disappointed in you. And you can still
be whoever you want to be. And that's okay. I'm
giving you explicit permission to be yourself.
To go on that vacation even though your boss
doesn't want you to be queer when the world doesn't
want you to. And to be yourself when other people
say that you can't. There you have the power
To be yourself. So let yourself be yourself and
let them be them Yep Beautiful. All right. Thank
you guys for listening and Gabe if you would
like to shout out where they can find you feel
free Okay, you can find me on YouTube as well
as Galen quest G a E E L I N quest Hopefully
by now I have a YouTube video out About now I'm
putting a deadline on myself at the time of the
fucking bug at the visit. Honestly, Rain you
got to keep me accountable. Anyway, I'll have
a YouTube video out called OCtober where I go
over my OCtober attempts of 2023 and 2024, even
though it's 2025. Hey, I tried one of those fucking
art challenges. You should be proud of me. Yeah,
I'm proud of you. Oh, thank you. But yeah, you
could check me out. Also on YouTube, I do art
and stuff, and I do this podcast, and that's
basically all I do. All right. Guys, go check
out Gabe. His art's amazing. And feel free to
leave a comment, subscribe if you're listening
to this on YouTube, or follow and favorite if
you're listening on other podcast platforms.
And thank you for being with us. I'm going to
plan on uploading, I believe, 10 of these episodes
for the first season. So once that 10 is done,
I'll try to gauge and see how everything is doing
and if we're going to continue or not. So if
you like these podcasts, please let me know so
that I know if you want me to make a season two.
So like the video, I don't want to be out of
a job. This is the only thing I got. This is
just for fun. Yeah, it is. Yeah, no, I'm not
being paid at all. This is for funsies, but I
do doing it. So maybe you guys should like it
or whatever. If he wants it, it's fine. Please.
On a serious note, thank you guys for listening
and we will be back with another podcast soon.
So take care of yourself, drink water and put
out positive energy into the world. All right.
Bye. Bye.