WEBVTT 00:00:00.000 --> 00:00:02.720 Hello, everybody. Welcome back to Real Talk with 00:00:02.720 --> 00:00:06.059 Rayne and Gabe. I'm here. It's me, it's Gabe. 00:00:07.120 --> 00:00:10.279 Today we are going to talk about the let them 00:00:10.279 --> 00:00:13.080 theory because I have been talking about this 00:00:13.080 --> 00:00:16.579 on my TikTok and I'm a little bit obsessed and 00:00:16.579 --> 00:00:19.379 by a little bit a lot. This is the theory written 00:00:19.379 --> 00:00:23.879 by Mel Robbins. And if you haven't listened to 00:00:23.879 --> 00:00:26.420 the podcast already, like we're not sponsored 00:00:26.420 --> 00:00:30.410 or ad or anything like that, but just my own 00:00:30.410 --> 00:00:33.369 personal recommendation because I was listening 00:00:33.369 --> 00:00:36.570 to this on the way to work and it really changed 00:00:36.570 --> 00:00:39.909 my mindset literally within 15 minutes of how 00:00:39.909 --> 00:00:42.890 I view situations and a new mantra to invite 00:00:42.890 --> 00:00:47.469 into my life. So it is on Spotify. That's where 00:00:47.469 --> 00:00:51.409 I listen to it. And there's a 15 minute one that 00:00:51.409 --> 00:00:53.770 you can listen to, which is the let them theory. 00:00:54.109 --> 00:00:56.609 So I really highly suggest that you go listen 00:00:56.609 --> 00:00:59.780 to that. And anywhere else that you can find 00:00:59.780 --> 00:01:03.100 the Let Them Theory by Mel Robbins is awesome 00:01:03.100 --> 00:01:07.540 if you want to look into it. So I wanted to start. 00:01:07.680 --> 00:01:13.280 There's a article from wondermind .com and I 00:01:13.280 --> 00:01:16.439 wanted to go ahead and read this article because 00:01:16.439 --> 00:01:22.180 it's basically summing up everything, right, 00:01:22.219 --> 00:01:24.879 about the Let Them Theory. And also talking to 00:01:24.879 --> 00:01:27.840 Mel Robbins about where this came from, her experience. 00:01:28.260 --> 00:01:30.560 Please correct me if I'm wrong. If I'm using 00:01:30.560 --> 00:01:33.060 the wrong pronouns, I'm not quite sure what Mel 00:01:33.060 --> 00:01:37.180 prefers, but I wanted to go ahead and read this. 00:01:37.459 --> 00:01:40.319 And it is the Let Them Theory is the secret to 00:01:40.319 --> 00:01:47.159 giving less fucks in 2025. And it's by Sam Brodsky 00:01:47.159 --> 00:01:50.939 at wondermind .com. So credit to Sam Brodsky. 00:01:51.920 --> 00:01:55.709 All right. Your friends hung out with you. Your 00:01:55.709 --> 00:01:59.650 dad judges your job. The traffic freaking horrible. 00:02:00.670 --> 00:02:03.769 These are shitty situations that make you frustrated, 00:02:04.510 --> 00:02:07.689 angry, or stressed out. Probably all of the above 00:02:07.689 --> 00:02:10.689 if you're being honest. But according to author 00:02:10.689 --> 00:02:13.689 and podcast host Mel Robbins, the let them theory 00:02:13.689 --> 00:02:18.069 can help you rise above it all. The idea is that 00:02:18.069 --> 00:02:21.539 what's done is done. Your pals didn't think to 00:02:21.539 --> 00:02:25.060 or want to invite you. You can't magically change 00:02:25.060 --> 00:02:27.939 your dad's mind, and you cannot bibbidi -bobbidi 00:02:27.939 --> 00:02:31.939 -boo bumper -to -bumper delays. But you can talk 00:02:31.939 --> 00:02:34.639 to your friends about your FOMO, fear missing 00:02:34.639 --> 00:02:38.759 out, or prioritize other connections. Focus on 00:02:38.759 --> 00:02:41.699 all the things you love about your career, and 00:02:41.699 --> 00:02:44.520 use your travel delays to call someone back safely 00:02:44.520 --> 00:02:49.000 on speakerphone. Sounds simple enough. though 00:02:49.000 --> 00:02:51.879 there's a bit more to it. And that's the subject 00:02:51.879 --> 00:02:55.340 of Robbins's new self -help book, The Let Them 00:02:55.340 --> 00:02:57.620 Theory, which she co -wrote with her daughter, 00:02:57.879 --> 00:03:01.199 Sawyer Robbins. If the advice to spend less time 00:03:01.199 --> 00:03:03.659 worrying about what other people do or think 00:03:03.659 --> 00:03:06.879 sounds a little familiar, that's because it is, 00:03:07.240 --> 00:03:10.080 says Robbins. The concept of giving up control 00:03:10.080 --> 00:03:13.120 has roots in Buddhism, Stoicism, the Serenity 00:03:13.120 --> 00:03:17.180 Prayer, and radical acceptance, she notes. Robbins 00:03:17.180 --> 00:03:20.120 explains how this concept works and why it can 00:03:20.120 --> 00:03:22.439 benefit your career, your relationships, and 00:03:22.439 --> 00:03:24.960 your inner rage monster at busy checkout lines. 00:03:25.479 --> 00:03:30.099 Let us get into it. The first question, WonderMind 00:03:30.099 --> 00:03:33.319 asks, what is the let them theory and how does 00:03:33.319 --> 00:03:37.360 it work? Mel Robbins responds, the let them theory 00:03:37.360 --> 00:03:40.060 is a simple mindset tool that has two parts. 00:03:40.560 --> 00:03:43.080 The first part is telling yourself to let them. 00:03:43.389 --> 00:03:46.490 during any moment in life where you feel annoyed, 00:03:47.370 --> 00:03:50.490 frustrated, stressed out, or worried about a 00:03:50.490 --> 00:03:53.689 situation or another person. As soon as you say 00:03:53.689 --> 00:03:56.750 those two words, you are releasing control of 00:03:56.750 --> 00:03:59.530 what another person thinks, says, does, believes, 00:03:59.669 --> 00:04:03.430 and feels. Any psychologist will tell you that 00:04:03.430 --> 00:04:05.789 whenever you try to control something that you 00:04:05.789 --> 00:04:08.830 can't, it just creates more stress and frustration 00:04:08.830 --> 00:04:12.560 and anxiety for you. For the first 54 years of 00:04:12.560 --> 00:04:15.500 my life, I didn't know this. I'm a very smart 00:04:15.500 --> 00:04:18.360 person, but I had no idea that my attempt to 00:04:18.360 --> 00:04:20.600 control other people and little things that were 00:04:20.600 --> 00:04:23.480 happening all around me, long lines or traffic 00:04:23.480 --> 00:04:28.079 or somebody being rude, drained my energy. Once 00:04:28.079 --> 00:04:31.560 you say let them, you recognize you can't control 00:04:31.560 --> 00:04:35.699 what another person thinks, says or does. Therefore, 00:04:35.699 --> 00:04:38.259 it is not worth your time and energy to try. 00:04:39.410 --> 00:04:43.290 Then you say, let me, reminding yourself of the 00:04:43.290 --> 00:04:46.290 things that are in your control, what you think 00:04:46.290 --> 00:04:49.110 about another person or situation, what you do 00:04:49.110 --> 00:04:51.689 or don't do in response to another person or 00:04:51.689 --> 00:04:54.790 situation, and what you do in response to your 00:04:54.790 --> 00:04:59.329 emotions. Every time you say let them, it's the 00:04:59.329 --> 00:05:01.870 ultimate boundary between you and the rest of 00:05:01.870 --> 00:05:05.069 the world. It is an act of self -love and self 00:05:05.069 --> 00:05:08.350 -protection. you recognize that your time and 00:05:08.350 --> 00:05:11.589 energy is worth protecting. Then you say, let 00:05:11.589 --> 00:05:14.949 me, and you pull your time and energy back and 00:05:14.949 --> 00:05:18.889 you get to choose what you do with it. If you're 00:05:18.889 --> 00:05:21.689 standing at a long line, they've got one cash 00:05:21.689 --> 00:05:23.810 register open and there are five people in front 00:05:23.810 --> 00:05:27.170 of you, you might feel very angry. And that anger 00:05:27.170 --> 00:05:29.490 means you just gave power to that situation. 00:05:30.350 --> 00:05:32.910 But you have so much more power when you say, 00:05:33.110 --> 00:05:35.889 let them run the store however they want. Let 00:05:35.889 --> 00:05:38.750 them take some time. And then you come to the 00:05:38.750 --> 00:05:42.329 let me part. Let me remind myself I can leave. 00:05:43.089 --> 00:05:45.490 Let me remind myself I can listen to something 00:05:45.490 --> 00:05:48.930 while I wait. Let me remind myself I could call 00:05:48.930 --> 00:05:51.550 my grandmother right now. Let me remind myself 00:05:51.550 --> 00:05:54.110 I could stand here, close my eyes, and meditate 00:05:54.110 --> 00:05:58.550 for a minute. You have control over that. Next 00:05:58.550 --> 00:06:01.389 question Wonder Mind asks, what about dealing 00:06:01.389 --> 00:06:04.209 with a boss who's in a bad mood? Mel Robbins 00:06:04.209 --> 00:06:07.629 says, Let them be in a bad mood. And remind yourself 00:06:07.629 --> 00:06:09.709 that you're not your boss's mom and their mood 00:06:09.709 --> 00:06:13.089 is not your responsibility. Ask yourself if this 00:06:13.089 --> 00:06:15.689 is something that's happening this week or if 00:06:15.689 --> 00:06:18.449 it's who this person is. Because if they're like 00:06:18.449 --> 00:06:21.170 this all the time, no job is worth coming in 00:06:21.170 --> 00:06:23.889 and dealing with this. And instead of going home 00:06:23.889 --> 00:06:26.250 and griping to everybody, it is within your power 00:06:26.250 --> 00:06:29.509 to find a different place to work. But if you 00:06:29.509 --> 00:06:31.829 cower to their mood, you give all your power 00:06:31.829 --> 00:06:35.540 to your boss. And I think the bigger thing is 00:06:35.540 --> 00:06:38.300 for your readers is learning how to use this 00:06:38.300 --> 00:06:42.519 around other people's opinions. Next question 00:06:42.519 --> 00:06:45.800 from Wonderwine is can the let them theory help 00:06:45.800 --> 00:06:48.439 you care less about other people's opinions? 00:06:49.259 --> 00:06:52.100 Mel Robbins says, you will always care what other 00:06:52.100 --> 00:06:54.279 people think. It is a sign that you're mentally 00:06:54.279 --> 00:06:57.060 well, you want to belong and you want people 00:06:57.060 --> 00:07:00.779 like you. That's a good thing. The issue is when 00:07:00.779 --> 00:07:03.160 you give more weight to what other people think, 00:07:03.319 --> 00:07:05.879 than you give to what you think about yourself. 00:07:06.939 --> 00:07:10.259 You can't control what somebody else is ever 00:07:10.259 --> 00:07:13.000 going to think or do. People might unfollow you. 00:07:13.100 --> 00:07:15.180 They might roll their eyes. They might smile 00:07:15.180 --> 00:07:17.139 to your face and then gossip behind your back. 00:07:17.899 --> 00:07:19.920 And so instead of trying to gaslight yourself 00:07:19.920 --> 00:07:21.779 and say, I don't really care what people think, 00:07:22.259 --> 00:07:24.639 just say to yourself, let them think something 00:07:24.639 --> 00:07:27.339 negative. The average person has thousands of 00:07:27.339 --> 00:07:29.779 thoughts a day, many of which they can barely 00:07:29.779 --> 00:07:33.240 control. And learning to say, let them be disappointed, 00:07:33.939 --> 00:07:36.420 let them unfollow me, let them think something 00:07:36.420 --> 00:07:39.420 negative, has been liberating because I'm creating 00:07:39.420 --> 00:07:42.019 space for somebody to think whatever they want, 00:07:42.139 --> 00:07:45.019 and I'm also acknowledging that I can't control 00:07:45.019 --> 00:07:48.180 it anyway. The only thing that I can control 00:07:48.180 --> 00:07:52.459 is what I think of myself. What I found is that 00:07:52.459 --> 00:07:55.019 the more I just let myself show up in a way that 00:07:55.019 --> 00:07:57.279 was consistent with what I value and what my 00:07:57.279 --> 00:08:00.360 goals are, the prouder I was of myself and the 00:08:00.360 --> 00:08:02.399 less I even thought about what other people were 00:08:02.399 --> 00:08:05.399 thinking. And here's why. I actually know the 00:08:05.399 --> 00:08:08.779 truth of who I am. I know what I value. I know 00:08:08.779 --> 00:08:11.439 what my intentions are. And so even if I do something 00:08:11.439 --> 00:08:13.279 out in the world that hurts somebody's feelings 00:08:13.279 --> 00:08:16.480 or they misunderstand something, I just let them 00:08:16.480 --> 00:08:19.379 and then I let me clean it up because that's 00:08:19.379 --> 00:08:22.639 not what I intended. But I don't allow someone 00:08:22.639 --> 00:08:24.779 else's opinion or someone else's disappointment 00:08:24.779 --> 00:08:29.529 to actually impact how I feel about myself. Wondermind 00:08:29.529 --> 00:08:33.149 then asks, how can the let them theory help with 00:08:33.149 --> 00:08:34.990 decision -making, especially when you're worried 00:08:34.990 --> 00:08:38.450 about what other people think? Mel responds, 00:08:39.269 --> 00:08:41.750 the reason why we don't make decisions we know 00:08:41.750 --> 00:08:44.429 in our hearts are right is because we're afraid 00:08:44.429 --> 00:08:47.789 of how other people will feel or react. But most 00:08:47.789 --> 00:08:50.269 of the time, somebody is going to be disappointed 00:08:50.269 --> 00:08:52.870 or upset by the decision you make. Your roommate 00:08:52.870 --> 00:08:54.590 is going to be upset that you want to move in 00:08:54.590 --> 00:08:57.169 with your partner. Your parents are going to 00:08:57.169 --> 00:08:59.049 be upset that you want to move across the country 00:08:59.049 --> 00:09:01.470 or change your major. Your boss is going to be 00:09:01.470 --> 00:09:03.370 upset if you say you can't work this weekend. 00:09:04.649 --> 00:09:06.850 I personally believe you know what the right 00:09:06.850 --> 00:09:09.269 decision is for you. You're just scared to make 00:09:09.269 --> 00:09:11.250 it because you don't want to deal with other 00:09:11.250 --> 00:09:14.889 people's emotions. This theory will teach you 00:09:14.889 --> 00:09:18.509 two things. It can be true at once. Your boss 00:09:18.509 --> 00:09:20.629 can be disappointed and you can't take a weekend 00:09:20.629 --> 00:09:24.080 shift. They deeply respect. Your parents can 00:09:24.080 --> 00:09:26.019 be upset that you're moving across the country 00:09:26.019 --> 00:09:29.799 and you can still move across the country. Your 00:09:29.799 --> 00:09:31.639 roommate can be really bummed and give you the 00:09:31.639 --> 00:09:33.580 cold shoulder and sulk around for a month and 00:09:33.580 --> 00:09:36.120 your friendship's going to be okay. Let them 00:09:36.120 --> 00:09:39.240 sulk. Let them be disappointed. Let them be upset. 00:09:39.840 --> 00:09:43.480 Let adults have their normal emotions. Wondermind 00:09:43.480 --> 00:09:46.220 asks, but what if you're a people pleaser who 00:09:46.220 --> 00:09:50.029 hates disappointing others? Mel responds, this 00:09:50.029 --> 00:09:52.330 is something you were probably trained to do 00:09:52.330 --> 00:09:54.990 during your childhood. Now it's time to fucking 00:09:54.990 --> 00:09:57.309 grow up and learn to let people be disappointed. 00:09:57.929 --> 00:10:00.549 Because when you say let them be disappointed, 00:10:00.669 --> 00:10:03.309 you're breaking that pattern. You're separating 00:10:03.309 --> 00:10:06.269 yourself from another adult's emotions. You're 00:10:06.269 --> 00:10:08.870 recognizing it is not your job to parent other 00:10:08.870 --> 00:10:12.049 people. Other adults are capable of handling 00:10:12.049 --> 00:10:15.950 their emotions if you let them. Your mother will 00:10:15.950 --> 00:10:19.120 get over it. Your friend will get over it your 00:10:19.120 --> 00:10:21.720 boss will get over it. So when you say let them 00:10:21.720 --> 00:10:24.360 you are breaking this pattern of people -pleasing 00:10:24.360 --> 00:10:27.159 You're drawing a boundary and you're separating 00:10:27.159 --> 00:10:30.740 yourself from this other person Then you say 00:10:30.740 --> 00:10:33.679 let me remind myself. I have one job as an adult 00:10:33.679 --> 00:10:36.519 to make decisions that make me proud of myself 00:10:36.519 --> 00:10:39.600 I'm exhausted from work and I don't want to go 00:10:39.600 --> 00:10:42.039 to a party with 12 people Where we're shouting 00:10:42.039 --> 00:10:44.159 over the music and I don't even see my friend. 00:10:44.259 --> 00:10:47.179 Let me decline the invitation and let me reach 00:10:47.179 --> 00:10:49.799 out to my friend and say, how about I take you 00:10:49.799 --> 00:10:52.639 out to all the vintage stores we love and out 00:10:52.639 --> 00:10:58.039 for lunch, my treat, next Saturday. Wondermind 00:10:58.039 --> 00:11:00.360 says, OK, but what if the person you disappoint 00:11:00.360 --> 00:11:03.759 doesn't get over it? Mel responds, let them. 00:11:04.259 --> 00:11:06.179 You get to choose whether or not you're going 00:11:06.179 --> 00:11:08.960 to give this person time. You get to choose whether 00:11:08.960 --> 00:11:11.860 or not their emotions are your job. You get to 00:11:11.860 --> 00:11:13.720 choose whether or not you're going to prioritize 00:11:13.720 --> 00:11:16.490 this friendship. And so that's why you always 00:11:16.490 --> 00:11:21.070 have power. Wondermind asks, what's a common 00:11:21.070 --> 00:11:23.230 mistake that you've seen people make when trying 00:11:23.230 --> 00:11:26.490 to implement the let them theory? Mel responds, 00:11:26.730 --> 00:11:28.870 the single biggest mistake people make is that 00:11:28.870 --> 00:11:33.029 they only do step one. If you don't say let me, 00:11:33.309 --> 00:11:35.769 it's very common to feel a little lonely. Let 00:11:35.769 --> 00:11:38.470 my friends not invite me to brunch. Let my family 00:11:38.470 --> 00:11:40.889 not return my phone calls or ever make an effort. 00:11:41.450 --> 00:11:43.649 And then you're going to sit there in your judgment. 00:11:43.840 --> 00:11:46.879 and that is the biggest danger of this. You have 00:11:46.879 --> 00:11:50.240 to do the let me part. And a lot of people don't 00:11:50.240 --> 00:11:52.519 like this part because this is where you look 00:11:52.519 --> 00:11:55.120 in the mirror, where you stop blaming other people, 00:11:55.220 --> 00:11:57.799 and you truly have to take responsibility for 00:11:57.799 --> 00:12:00.740 what you do about it. This is where compassion 00:12:00.740 --> 00:12:04.440 comes into play. Let's say you start to notice 00:12:04.440 --> 00:12:06.299 you're the one who makes the effort and people 00:12:06.299 --> 00:12:08.500 don't return your calls. They're not great about 00:12:08.500 --> 00:12:11.690 texting or they don't initiate the plans. Well, 00:12:11.690 --> 00:12:13.830 you're going to say let them because getting 00:12:13.830 --> 00:12:16.370 upset and judging isn't going to help you and 00:12:16.370 --> 00:12:19.950 it makes you stressed Let them be who they are. 00:12:20.230 --> 00:12:22.210 They're revealing who they are and what they 00:12:22.210 --> 00:12:26.169 care about Now you come to the let me part and 00:12:26.169 --> 00:12:28.809 you've got a lot of things in your control for 00:12:28.809 --> 00:12:31.570 example Let me really look in the mirror and 00:12:31.570 --> 00:12:35.309 ask myself. What do I value? If you value friendship 00:12:35.309 --> 00:12:38.149 and family and a social life, then it's your 00:12:38.149 --> 00:12:41.470 responsibility to create it and you get to choose 00:12:41.470 --> 00:12:43.950 whether or not you continue to pour time into 00:12:43.950 --> 00:12:46.850 the friendships that aren't reciprocal or if 00:12:46.850 --> 00:12:48.809 you're going to take that time and go make new 00:12:48.809 --> 00:12:52.809 friends as an adult. You also get to choose, 00:12:52.809 --> 00:12:55.269 by the way, to look at things with a level of 00:12:55.269 --> 00:12:58.269 maturity and grace and say, I'm actually friends 00:12:58.269 --> 00:13:00.750 with a lot of introverted people or a lot of 00:13:00.750 --> 00:13:02.649 people who don't have the energy right now to 00:13:02.649 --> 00:13:05.490 reach out. Maybe my role in our friendship is 00:13:05.490 --> 00:13:08.320 to be the person connecting. Maybe my role is 00:13:08.320 --> 00:13:12.419 the glue that keeps our family together. Wonder 00:13:12.419 --> 00:13:14.320 Mind asks, what's your advice for people trying 00:13:14.320 --> 00:13:17.620 to implement this theory into their lives? Mel 00:13:17.620 --> 00:13:19.860 responds, anytime somebody is annoying you or 00:13:19.860 --> 00:13:22.659 stressing you out, just say, let them. You're 00:13:22.659 --> 00:13:25.500 going to feel instant freedom and power. Then 00:13:25.500 --> 00:13:28.659 say, let me, and remind yourself, I have control 00:13:28.659 --> 00:13:32.179 here. What do I want to do in response? If you're 00:13:32.179 --> 00:13:34.419 in a very triggering situation or something that 00:13:34.419 --> 00:13:36.649 is ongoing, like you just broke up and you're 00:13:36.649 --> 00:13:38.610 trying to move through heartbreak, you're going 00:13:38.610 --> 00:13:41.529 to have to say, let them walk out the door, let 00:13:41.529 --> 00:13:44.289 them sleep with other people, let them move on, 00:13:44.509 --> 00:13:47.649 let them not love me, over and over again. Because 00:13:47.649 --> 00:13:50.590 the hurt doesn't just go away. You need this 00:13:50.590 --> 00:13:55.149 to respond to emotions that keep rising up. And 00:13:55.149 --> 00:13:58.269 the last question from Wonder Mind is, and any 00:13:58.269 --> 00:14:00.490 advice for people who are scared to give up control 00:14:00.490 --> 00:14:03.610 and just let them do their thing. And Mel responds 00:14:03.610 --> 00:14:07.779 with, I am going to let you hold onto control. 00:14:08.379 --> 00:14:11.559 Here's why. I can't change you. If it's working 00:14:11.559 --> 00:14:13.860 for you, keep doing it. But if you're sick and 00:14:13.860 --> 00:14:16.500 tired of being anxious and stressed out and frustrated 00:14:16.500 --> 00:14:19.639 and exhausted, this theory will change your life. 00:14:21.740 --> 00:14:24.139 And this interview has been edited and condensed 00:14:24.139 --> 00:14:28.860 for length and clarity. So that was the article 00:14:28.860 --> 00:14:32.080 from Wondermind and I love it very much. So. 00:14:32.590 --> 00:14:35.149 while I take a swig of my drink. Gabe, what do 00:14:35.149 --> 00:14:41.009 you think? I think that is actually a very solid 00:14:41.009 --> 00:14:44.210 theory, because I'm definitely like, when she 00:14:44.210 --> 00:14:46.789 was talking about the mistake people make when 00:14:46.789 --> 00:14:49.649 they're only doing step one, like, sitting in 00:14:49.649 --> 00:14:52.870 your... in your, like, stewed little anxiety, 00:14:53.289 --> 00:14:56.250 that's definitely me. I am definitely that person 00:14:56.250 --> 00:15:00.379 who is just, oh, yeah, let them... Only talk 00:15:00.379 --> 00:15:02.360 to each other and not talk to me. That's fine. 00:15:02.360 --> 00:15:06.179 It's totally fine. And then I didn't even realize 00:15:06.179 --> 00:15:09.860 that I Did that and I didn't even realize that 00:15:09.860 --> 00:15:12.779 there was a step two that I was just neglecting 00:15:12.779 --> 00:15:20.179 but Now I do Yeah, I think it's a great theory 00:15:20.179 --> 00:15:25.149 because people have a natural I think tendency 00:15:25.149 --> 00:15:28.529 to, it's human nature, right? To want to control 00:15:28.529 --> 00:15:31.129 the narrative and want to feel like they're being 00:15:31.129 --> 00:15:32.690 seen and they're being heard and they're being 00:15:32.690 --> 00:15:34.850 understood. That they have people around them 00:15:34.850 --> 00:15:36.970 that agree with them. And that's where a lot 00:15:36.970 --> 00:15:39.929 of the issues lie, right? Where people are so 00:15:39.929 --> 00:15:43.669 divided because we either, it feels like we, 00:15:43.889 --> 00:15:47.090 as a society, either all agree on something or 00:15:47.090 --> 00:15:49.710 all disagree and it's very black and white. Rather 00:15:49.710 --> 00:15:52.309 than people actually asking questions and getting 00:15:52.309 --> 00:15:55.909 clarity and adults having deeper conversations 00:15:55.909 --> 00:15:58.950 with one another and communication being important. 00:15:59.409 --> 00:16:03.250 It's something that I learned getting my bachelor's 00:16:03.250 --> 00:16:06.769 and working in human services that communication 00:16:06.769 --> 00:16:11.049 can go so far, right? Just having open communication 00:16:11.049 --> 00:16:13.309 with somebody and being willing to hear what 00:16:13.309 --> 00:16:18.070 they have to say. However, a lot of people, especially 00:16:18.070 --> 00:16:21.889 in our society, are not open to that and they're 00:16:21.850 --> 00:16:24.629 either very closed off because of trauma, they're 00:16:24.629 --> 00:16:28.230 closed off because of whatever is going on with 00:16:28.230 --> 00:16:31.309 them. And they have that little voice inside 00:16:31.309 --> 00:16:33.090 that's like, I need to feel like I'm not alone. 00:16:33.190 --> 00:16:35.190 I need to feel like somebody understands me. 00:16:35.570 --> 00:16:38.129 I need to feel like somebody has my back because 00:16:38.129 --> 00:16:41.090 I don't wanna feel like it's me against the world. 00:16:42.710 --> 00:16:46.029 So some people will act out of character and 00:16:46.029 --> 00:16:49.909 will do extreme things either in the moment, 00:16:50.090 --> 00:16:52.950 or all through their lives in order to fit in 00:16:52.950 --> 00:16:55.649 with a crowd even if they don't completely believe 00:16:55.649 --> 00:16:58.889 in what's being said or done. A lot of times 00:16:58.889 --> 00:17:01.870 it's just that sheep flock mentality where it's, 00:17:02.049 --> 00:17:05.130 oh, I don't want to be ostracized. I don't want 00:17:05.130 --> 00:17:08.369 to be outcasted. I don't want to be left out 00:17:08.369 --> 00:17:10.569 of something because that makes me feel worse 00:17:10.569 --> 00:17:13.150 about myself. And we already have this like deep 00:17:13.150 --> 00:17:17.490 insecurity when we question our own thoughts 00:17:17.490 --> 00:17:22.579 and feelings. And I think that control comes 00:17:22.579 --> 00:17:26.099 very natural to everybody. Some people are better 00:17:26.099 --> 00:17:29.140 at getting over that than others, depending on 00:17:29.140 --> 00:17:35.220 where they are in life. But for me, it's, I definitely 00:17:35.220 --> 00:17:40.279 for so long, it wasn't like you said with, oh, 00:17:40.279 --> 00:17:42.000 let them talk to each other and not me. I had 00:17:42.000 --> 00:17:45.039 such a hard time with that growing up too. And 00:17:45.039 --> 00:17:49.210 now I've realized that recently, before implementing 00:17:49.210 --> 00:17:52.650 that let them theory, it was mostly about like, 00:17:52.970 --> 00:17:55.630 why are they not giving in as much effort as 00:17:55.630 --> 00:17:58.390 I'm giving in? Like, why am I always reaching 00:17:58.390 --> 00:18:01.670 out? Why am I the one that's showing so much 00:18:01.670 --> 00:18:03.670 time or making time for people and doing this 00:18:03.670 --> 00:18:06.230 and doing that? And it just seems like they could 00:18:06.230 --> 00:18:09.890 take me or leave me. And that hurts because I'm 00:18:09.890 --> 00:18:12.990 like, I want to feel like you appreciate what 00:18:12.990 --> 00:18:16.269 I'm putting out and you appreciate and we're 00:18:16.269 --> 00:18:19.769 equal. And That's like that little, I think it's 00:18:19.769 --> 00:18:22.309 like the ego too, where it's like, hey, like 00:18:22.309 --> 00:18:24.309 I should be given the same amount of effort that 00:18:24.309 --> 00:18:27.869 I'm giving you. That's fair. But we don't then 00:18:27.869 --> 00:18:30.769 sit and think about all of the whys and all of 00:18:30.769 --> 00:18:33.630 the reasons behind things where like she said, 00:18:34.109 --> 00:18:35.950 you might have a friend that's just an introvert. 00:18:35.990 --> 00:18:37.490 They might be going through something. They may 00:18:37.490 --> 00:18:39.789 not feel social right now. And that's not against 00:18:39.789 --> 00:18:41.829 you. It's just something they're going through. 00:18:41.890 --> 00:18:45.400 So let them do what they need to do. And when 00:18:45.400 --> 00:18:48.119 you release that control and that need to be 00:18:48.119 --> 00:18:50.220 right and that need to control the situation, 00:18:51.319 --> 00:18:54.799 it will actually improve not only your mindset 00:18:54.799 --> 00:18:58.339 and your mental health, but improving your friendship 00:18:58.339 --> 00:19:01.140 too, because you're not going to feel like you're 00:19:01.140 --> 00:19:03.359 reaching out and going, hey, and like holding 00:19:03.359 --> 00:19:06.160 grudges and being like, wow, I can't believe 00:19:06.160 --> 00:19:07.440 we didn't hang out. I can't believe we didn't 00:19:07.440 --> 00:19:08.980 answer my call. If you don't know what they're 00:19:08.980 --> 00:19:10.920 going through, then to them, they're on the defensive. 00:19:11.519 --> 00:19:14.440 So. We as a society, we don't communicate. We're 00:19:14.440 --> 00:19:16.259 passive aggressive. We're defensive, and then 00:19:16.259 --> 00:19:18.819 they become defensive, and it's just a constant 00:19:18.819 --> 00:19:22.559 back and forth instead of us just allowing people 00:19:22.559 --> 00:19:27.859 to do what they're gonna do. Yeah. Just whatever. 00:19:28.299 --> 00:19:32.000 I can only control myself in my own body, in 00:19:32.000 --> 00:19:35.000 my own life, and as much as I would love for 00:19:35.000 --> 00:19:38.660 everyone to agree with me, Why do I feel the 00:19:38.660 --> 00:19:41.579 need to be exalted like that? Why do I feel the 00:19:41.579 --> 00:19:46.240 need to be accepted? Why do I feel the need to 00:19:46.240 --> 00:19:49.700 put myself out there for people? What is going 00:19:49.700 --> 00:19:54.319 on within me that is causing this need for constant 00:19:54.319 --> 00:19:58.980 approval of other people when I need to work 00:19:58.980 --> 00:20:03.599 on my own approval of myself? because if I don't 00:20:03.599 --> 00:20:06.700 approve of myself, if I don't work on being comfortable 00:20:06.700 --> 00:20:11.059 and safe and acknowledging my own pain and my 00:20:11.059 --> 00:20:14.980 own insecurities and my own faults, I'm going 00:20:14.980 --> 00:20:17.599 to put that on others, whether I mean to or not. 00:20:18.140 --> 00:20:20.619 And that's what strains friendship, relationships, 00:20:20.980 --> 00:20:25.099 family ties, anything. This theory really, when 00:20:25.099 --> 00:20:28.819 I first listened to it was like, oh my God, it's... 00:20:28.490 --> 00:20:30.829 telling you to stop being a control freak, but 00:20:30.829 --> 00:20:32.970 at the same time, it's also telling you that 00:20:32.970 --> 00:20:37.029 it's okay to tell yourself that you're valid. 00:20:38.329 --> 00:20:40.089 And you telling yourself that you're valid doesn't 00:20:40.089 --> 00:20:42.710 take away from your friendship with them. Giving 00:20:42.710 --> 00:20:44.670 them the power to do what they need to do, what 00:20:44.670 --> 00:20:46.670 they want to think and what they want to say, 00:20:48.029 --> 00:20:50.730 that's on them. And their life path is different. 00:20:50.890 --> 00:20:52.369 And does that mean that you need to sit there 00:20:52.369 --> 00:20:55.130 and let people talk down to you or call you names 00:20:55.130 --> 00:20:58.490 or accuse you? No. You don't need to sit there 00:20:58.490 --> 00:21:01.490 and just be quiet and say, let them harass me 00:21:01.490 --> 00:21:04.109 or let them be awful. No, you can always stick 00:21:04.109 --> 00:21:06.349 up for yourself and you can always be like, no, 00:21:06.410 --> 00:21:10.150 that's not okay. Yeah. Use your discretion. Obviously 00:21:10.150 --> 00:21:13.210 situations are different, but it's not meant 00:21:13.210 --> 00:21:16.450 to say be a doormat. It's meant to say each situation 00:21:16.450 --> 00:21:20.630 is different and you have the power in that situation 00:21:20.630 --> 00:21:24.539 to decide to walk away from something. And preserve 00:21:24.539 --> 00:21:27.000 that energy and peace that's so important for 00:21:27.000 --> 00:21:29.259 you to have within yourself that you lose trying 00:21:29.259 --> 00:21:34.839 to get other people to want to agree with you 00:21:34.839 --> 00:21:37.960 all the time. It's a very draining and emotionally 00:21:37.960 --> 00:21:42.880 taxing thing to constantly seek that appreciation 00:21:42.880 --> 00:21:44.920 from other people because you don't have it internally 00:21:44.920 --> 00:21:47.660 for yourself. Any thoughts, Gabe? Yeah, and it's 00:21:47.660 --> 00:21:51.890 just... As you were saying this isn't meant to 00:21:51.890 --> 00:21:55.930 be only passive there is no You're not being 00:21:55.930 --> 00:22:00.190 incentivized to Become a doormat or anything 00:22:00.190 --> 00:22:03.450 like that You can be aggressive if that's what 00:22:03.450 --> 00:22:06.529 you will want to do in step two in the let me 00:22:06.529 --> 00:22:09.410 part Because sometimes that does it calls for 00:22:09.410 --> 00:22:11.410 that sometimes you have to do that, but it's 00:22:11.410 --> 00:22:15.369 just it's the fact that you are No longer giving 00:22:15.369 --> 00:22:19.440 power to them That's important, I feel, as well 00:22:19.440 --> 00:22:22.519 as like in response for the let me, because she 00:22:22.519 --> 00:22:26.339 was talking about how context to the situation 00:22:26.339 --> 00:22:30.259 can influence the let me with the example of 00:22:30.259 --> 00:22:33.259 the boss either having a bad week or the boss 00:22:33.259 --> 00:22:35.759 is like that all the time. If the boss is having 00:22:35.759 --> 00:22:39.079 a bad week, your let me could be like, OK, I'm 00:22:39.079 --> 00:22:42.880 going to let him. Feel how he's gonna feel and 00:22:42.880 --> 00:22:45.079 me. I'm just gonna continue doing my work I'm 00:22:45.079 --> 00:22:47.299 gonna keep trucking but if he's like that all 00:22:47.299 --> 00:22:50.220 the time your let me could now become okay I'm 00:22:50.220 --> 00:22:53.539 gonna let him feel his feelings Me I'm gonna 00:22:53.539 --> 00:22:56.000 go to look for another job and that's you're 00:22:56.000 --> 00:22:58.160 not being passive You're not letting that boss 00:22:58.160 --> 00:23:00.119 walk all over you you are getting out of that 00:23:00.119 --> 00:23:06.039 situation the best you can and I feel like What 00:23:06.039 --> 00:23:09.400 tends to happen is people do see it as something 00:23:09.400 --> 00:23:12.799 very passive, but I think it's very important 00:23:12.799 --> 00:23:19.819 for people to understand that you letting them 00:23:19.819 --> 00:23:23.579 have their feelings and continuing to do whatever 00:23:23.579 --> 00:23:27.019 they want to do is not going to negate any consequences 00:23:27.019 --> 00:23:30.940 that you give them as a result. If someone comes 00:23:30.940 --> 00:23:34.819 to me, And this is just a personal experience 00:23:34.819 --> 00:23:37.839 of mine that I'm just gonna air out here. Let's 00:23:37.839 --> 00:23:44.240 say a friend of mine manipulates me and Tries 00:23:44.240 --> 00:23:49.319 to get in between me and a partner because of 00:23:49.319 --> 00:23:53.700 whatever reason My response is to be like, okay, 00:23:53.759 --> 00:23:56.059 they can feel how they feel they can feel jealous 00:23:56.059 --> 00:24:00.980 they can feel insecure They can be angry at me 00:24:01.180 --> 00:24:03.859 for not giving them enough attention in comparison 00:24:03.859 --> 00:24:06.680 to my partner. That's a valid feeling to have. 00:24:07.640 --> 00:24:10.500 And the response is because that person was so 00:24:10.500 --> 00:24:16.279 toxic to me, my response was to drop the relationship 00:24:16.279 --> 00:24:18.400 with them. I didn't do that in the most healthy 00:24:18.400 --> 00:24:20.859 way because I just ghosted them until they stopped 00:24:20.859 --> 00:24:23.619 talking to me. But the point is, it's like that 00:24:23.619 --> 00:24:26.039 wasn't a passive response. I didn't continue 00:24:26.039 --> 00:24:28.339 to be friends with them. I didn't continue to 00:24:28.339 --> 00:24:32.339 do Play ping pong between my partner and my friend 00:24:32.339 --> 00:24:35.519 It was very much like this is the consequences 00:24:35.519 --> 00:24:37.519 of your actions and some powers that they can 00:24:37.519 --> 00:24:40.279 be harsh and sometimes they can't be passive 00:24:40.279 --> 00:24:43.759 But the crime's gonna match the punishment. That's 00:24:43.759 --> 00:24:47.720 just How it's gonna be so if someone is like 00:24:47.720 --> 00:24:52.240 being a fucking asshole and harassing you at 00:24:52.240 --> 00:24:56.980 work or Just being a fucking dick It's totally 00:24:56.980 --> 00:25:01.079 fine for you to be like OK, you can be an asshole 00:25:01.079 --> 00:25:04.460 to me. You can hate me all you want. But there's 00:25:04.460 --> 00:25:06.660 a line in the sand, and if you start crossing 00:25:06.660 --> 00:25:10.599 that line. Consequences are going to start wrapping 00:25:10.599 --> 00:25:13.519 up. But because it's because again, we live, 00:25:13.720 --> 00:25:17.819 we talked about this episode, but. The Internet 00:25:17.819 --> 00:25:20.819 is going to hate on people for any small little 00:25:20.819 --> 00:25:27.019 thing, and you can either decide to be like, 00:25:27.339 --> 00:25:30.420 all right. whatever, it's this small part of 00:25:30.420 --> 00:25:33.059 the internet, it's just words. But when those 00:25:33.059 --> 00:25:37.880 words turn into harassing people in person or 00:25:37.880 --> 00:25:41.299 doxing people, that's when you get the police 00:25:41.299 --> 00:25:44.519 involved. That's when the let me becomes let 00:25:44.519 --> 00:25:47.900 me get the police. So it's not passive. It's 00:25:47.900 --> 00:25:51.700 not meant to be passive. It's not meant to be 00:25:51.700 --> 00:25:54.759 just let them do their thing and I'll be over 00:25:54.759 --> 00:25:58.200 here. You can still do something. If someone 00:25:58.200 --> 00:26:02.039 is talking to you, say, for example, I'm on Twitter. 00:26:02.859 --> 00:26:06.640 I make an art piece. I post it and it was a shitty 00:26:06.640 --> 00:26:09.920 art. Oh, you know, the anatomy is wrong. Oh, 00:26:10.039 --> 00:26:13.259 I hate the colors. I would take those. I would 00:26:13.259 --> 00:26:14.900 be like, OK, they're allowed to hate my art. 00:26:15.400 --> 00:26:18.160 That's fine. But I would take I would look at 00:26:18.160 --> 00:26:20.380 those comments and I'll be like, OK, this guy 00:26:20.380 --> 00:26:22.950 was a dick to me. I'm going to block him. Yeah. 00:26:23.190 --> 00:26:24.990 Or it's, oh, that's actually a valid critique. 00:26:25.190 --> 00:26:28.029 Let me re -learn my anatomy. Let me see what 00:26:28.029 --> 00:26:31.009 I can do with my colors. Like there are, there's, 00:26:31.029 --> 00:26:34.430 the power is now on me. I'm not doing it because 00:26:34.430 --> 00:26:37.250 I want to appease them. I'm doing it because 00:26:37.250 --> 00:26:40.589 it's, I want to do that. No one, I don't have 00:26:40.589 --> 00:26:44.509 to relearn anatomy. I don't have to study up 00:26:44.509 --> 00:26:48.700 on color theory if I don't want to. That's totally 00:26:48.700 --> 00:26:51.000 up to me. I could be like no your critiques aren't 00:26:51.000 --> 00:26:53.299 valid I'm gonna ignore you people like to think 00:26:53.299 --> 00:26:57.000 that critique is something that you have to take 00:26:57.000 --> 00:27:01.619 to heart all the time like in art school we would 00:27:01.619 --> 00:27:06.119 have in -person critiques and a lot of people 00:27:06.119 --> 00:27:09.420 would just be like oh, it's great Oh, it's perfect, 00:27:09.700 --> 00:27:13.369 and I'm like we're in art school I need something 00:27:13.369 --> 00:27:15.349 more helpful than this because you don't have 00:27:15.349 --> 00:27:17.289 to accept every piece of critique thrown your 00:27:17.289 --> 00:27:19.990 way Because sometimes someone will be like actually 00:27:19.990 --> 00:27:23.609 I think you should use blue instead of red and 00:27:23.609 --> 00:27:27.390 I'll be like actually The red is symbolic. So 00:27:27.390 --> 00:27:30.549 I yeah, I appreciate that comment, but I'm gonna 00:27:30.549 --> 00:27:34.150 keep my red Thank you though, like you can have 00:27:34.150 --> 00:27:36.269 other people's opinions. You can have other people's 00:27:36.269 --> 00:27:40.029 critiques and you decide What you're going to 00:27:40.029 --> 00:27:42.529 do with that critique you can be like, alright 00:27:42.529 --> 00:27:45.710 you like it better in blue I like it in red. 00:27:45.829 --> 00:27:47.829 So I'm gonna keep in red I feel like that's a 00:27:47.829 --> 00:27:51.990 lot of things that this theory brings up is just 00:27:51.990 --> 00:27:55.269 that can be applied to all different facets of 00:27:55.269 --> 00:27:59.609 life with critique in the job Friend relationships 00:27:59.609 --> 00:28:02.450 romantic relationships just interacting on the 00:28:02.450 --> 00:28:05.539 internet to be honest because like you're gonna 00:28:05.539 --> 00:28:07.680 encounter people that have different opinions 00:28:07.680 --> 00:28:11.839 or that hate you because you exist and you just 00:28:11.839 --> 00:28:16.200 have to let them yep and then you have to decide 00:28:16.200 --> 00:28:20.519 what you're going to do in response to that are 00:28:20.519 --> 00:28:22.500 you going to block them are you going to never 00:28:22.500 --> 00:28:25.839 talk to them again are you going to avoid family 00:28:25.839 --> 00:28:27.619 gatherings because you know they're going to 00:28:27.619 --> 00:28:30.200 be there and you don't want to be there like 00:28:30.200 --> 00:28:35.259 they are there are different ranges of response, 00:28:35.359 --> 00:28:40.599 and only you can decide what that response would 00:28:40.599 --> 00:28:44.059 look like and warrant. And then they get to decide 00:28:44.059 --> 00:28:48.359 as well, because in this theory, they also will 00:28:48.359 --> 00:28:51.740 tell you, they're like, OK, you have your opinion 00:28:51.740 --> 00:28:55.200 and I'm going to respond to it. It's a loop of 00:28:55.200 --> 00:28:57.079 communication. As you said, it's just nothing 00:28:57.079 --> 00:28:59.539 but communication, nothing but response. But 00:28:59.539 --> 00:29:03.319 let thumbs and let middle decide. relationships 00:29:03.319 --> 00:29:07.359 it'll help relationships it'll help understanding 00:29:07.359 --> 00:29:11.700 it'll help prevent I would say a lot of heated 00:29:11.700 --> 00:29:15.519 arguments if people are just like okay I'm gonna 00:29:15.519 --> 00:29:20.380 let you make this horrible decision and I will 00:29:20.380 --> 00:29:24.279 make the decision of how that'll affect me or 00:29:24.279 --> 00:29:28.559 what I should do and sometimes that can be a 00:29:28.559 --> 00:29:31.640 wrong decision it could blow things up out of 00:29:31.640 --> 00:29:35.779 proportion in response. But then you have to 00:29:35.779 --> 00:29:39.539 let them in their response of either doing nothing 00:29:39.539 --> 00:29:43.799 or also another heated argument is, OK, that's 00:29:43.799 --> 00:29:45.440 on me. I did that, didn't I? Like, if you're 00:29:45.440 --> 00:29:48.759 going to put out negativity as part of your let 00:29:48.759 --> 00:29:52.279 me, you got to expect negativity back a little 00:29:52.279 --> 00:29:54.759 bit. You're not going to go anywhere positive 00:29:54.759 --> 00:29:57.400 with that. But I've been rambling for too much. 00:29:57.480 --> 00:30:01.329 You go ahead. No. I like listening to you talk. 00:30:01.569 --> 00:30:05.109 Oh, thank you. No, I just I think that our energy 00:30:05.109 --> 00:30:10.509 and our time is so precious and we just throw 00:30:10.509 --> 00:30:13.269 it at people who don't care about it at all. 00:30:13.569 --> 00:30:17.670 And I think that we need to get back to the spiritual 00:30:17.670 --> 00:30:21.150 aspect of preserving our energy, preserving our 00:30:21.150 --> 00:30:25.710 time for people who are. they don't necessarily 00:30:25.710 --> 00:30:28.650 need to reciprocate the same level but at least 00:30:28.650 --> 00:30:31.289 people who show up for you at least people who 00:30:31.289 --> 00:30:34.390 are showing an interest in having a friendship 00:30:34.390 --> 00:30:37.829 who are still reaching out and saying oh hey 00:30:37.829 --> 00:30:40.329 i'm sorry i didn't get i didn't respond blah 00:30:40.329 --> 00:30:42.589 blah blah i have a friend who i've been friends 00:30:42.589 --> 00:30:49.009 with now almost 20 years when you were like what 00:30:49.009 --> 00:30:54.890 26 are you calling me 46 No, you're right. It 00:30:54.890 --> 00:31:00.069 was when you were 30, right? I'm 33, Gabe. I 00:31:00.069 --> 00:31:05.769 know. Just so everyone's aware. Let me. Call 00:31:05.769 --> 00:31:09.849 me old. It's fine. I choose not to give you my 00:31:09.849 --> 00:31:13.690 energy. Anyway. What's your let me response then? 00:31:13.869 --> 00:31:17.890 My let me is let me ignore that comment and not 00:31:17.890 --> 00:31:22.390 let it affect my mental health. No, but I've 00:31:22.390 --> 00:31:24.950 known this person since I was in high school. 00:31:25.130 --> 00:31:28.329 So I'm 33. We met when I was like 14. I mean, 00:31:29.109 --> 00:31:31.470 we don't talk every day. We used to when we were 00:31:31.470 --> 00:31:35.069 younger, but we don't talk every day. And it's 00:31:35.069 --> 00:31:36.730 not, so sometimes like I'll reach out to him 00:31:36.730 --> 00:31:38.309 and be like, Hey, can you look this over for 00:31:38.309 --> 00:31:40.809 me? Hey, can you review this writing that I did? 00:31:41.990 --> 00:31:43.990 We've just had a very strong friendship where 00:31:43.990 --> 00:31:45.250 he's like, yeah, sure. I'll look into it after 00:31:45.250 --> 00:31:47.250 work. And we don't have to talk every day. He 00:31:47.250 --> 00:31:49.410 never feels like it's me taking advantage of 00:31:49.410 --> 00:31:51.589 him. He calls me and he says, hey, I'm looking 00:31:51.589 --> 00:31:53.390 for a new job. Can you be a reference? Sure. 00:31:53.589 --> 00:31:56.089 We haven't talked in three weeks, but it's still, 00:31:56.089 --> 00:31:58.609 we know that we're there. And we have that core 00:31:58.609 --> 00:32:02.329 foundation as well that we know we can call on 00:32:02.329 --> 00:32:04.349 each other no matter how much time has passed. 00:32:04.450 --> 00:32:08.230 And that's not necessarily either one of us not 00:32:08.230 --> 00:32:10.450 putting in effort. It's just life sometimes gets 00:32:10.450 --> 00:32:13.309 in the way. And it's situations like that where 00:32:13.309 --> 00:32:14.930 if you're not talking every day, that doesn't 00:32:14.930 --> 00:32:16.970 necessarily mean that your friendship isn't strong. 00:32:17.509 --> 00:32:21.710 That doesn't mean that anything is drifting apart 00:32:21.710 --> 00:32:24.150 between you two. That's where communication comes 00:32:24.150 --> 00:32:27.990 in. But if somebody is genuinely trying to hurt 00:32:27.990 --> 00:32:31.910 you, trying to put negativity into your life, 00:32:32.170 --> 00:32:37.250 trying to harm your character, people around 00:32:37.250 --> 00:32:41.700 you, that's something when It is valid enough 00:32:41.700 --> 00:32:44.380 and powerful enough. It is very powerful for 00:32:44.380 --> 00:32:47.940 you to say, you know what? You no longer have 00:32:47.940 --> 00:32:51.619 access to my energy or my time. I don't need 00:32:51.619 --> 00:32:53.900 to fight you. I don't need to argue with you. 00:32:53.980 --> 00:32:56.599 I don't need to do anything. If you're doing 00:32:56.599 --> 00:33:00.680 something wrong that I need to address. Sure. 00:33:01.319 --> 00:33:03.920 But within whatever the situation calls for, 00:33:03.920 --> 00:33:06.099 like you said, if authorities knew all that stuff, 00:33:06.240 --> 00:33:09.339 it all depends on the situation, but If it's 00:33:09.339 --> 00:33:11.500 just somebody at work, friend trying to start 00:33:11.500 --> 00:33:17.019 drama, it's so valid and so empowering for you 00:33:17.019 --> 00:33:19.339 to just be like, okay, thank you for showing 00:33:19.339 --> 00:33:23.920 me that. I have no ill will towards you. I'm 00:33:23.920 --> 00:33:27.460 no longer gonna accept you into my life. And 00:33:27.460 --> 00:33:30.519 that's totally fine. Or somebody who, I had a 00:33:30.519 --> 00:33:34.579 bully who came to me, I don't, I might've talked 00:33:34.579 --> 00:33:36.980 about this on a podcast recently, but my memory 00:33:36.980 --> 00:33:40.829 is, terrible, as I've said, really. It's, I don't 00:33:40.829 --> 00:33:43.690 know what the issue is, but it's just very bad. 00:33:44.390 --> 00:33:47.269 But I had somebody who I was friends with from, 00:33:48.049 --> 00:33:50.950 oh God, I think we were friends from sixth grade 00:33:50.950 --> 00:33:53.509 to eighth grade. And then we went into high school 00:33:53.509 --> 00:33:57.509 together and she got involved with the wrong 00:33:57.509 --> 00:34:01.369 crowd. And she went from being a best friend 00:34:01.369 --> 00:34:04.960 to being somebody who was part of a group that 00:34:04.960 --> 00:34:07.839 was sending me death threats that were sending 00:34:07.839 --> 00:34:11.179 horrible things in my locker. It's just, it got 00:34:11.179 --> 00:34:15.750 to a really horrible extent where at Some points 00:34:15.750 --> 00:34:17.829 I didn't want to go to school because it's just 00:34:17.829 --> 00:34:20.230 and it was all a thing where they wanted to look 00:34:20.230 --> 00:34:23.170 big and bad like they were this group on campus 00:34:23.170 --> 00:34:25.730 of high schoolers who were so cool and if you 00:34:25.730 --> 00:34:27.829 were against them then we were gonna mess you 00:34:27.829 --> 00:34:30.530 up and it in Hindsight as an adult like this 00:34:30.530 --> 00:34:34.110 is stupid as a kid I was terrified and I was 00:34:34.110 --> 00:34:37.150 so hurt beyond belief that this is somebody that 00:34:37.150 --> 00:34:41.679 for two years prior I lived right next to, we 00:34:41.679 --> 00:34:44.360 hung out almost every day. We were so close. 00:34:44.380 --> 00:34:47.860 And just like that, it changed because they wanted 00:34:47.860 --> 00:34:53.039 to be accepted into a cool group of people. And 00:34:53.039 --> 00:34:56.760 so they were contributing to that. And it contributed 00:34:56.760 --> 00:35:00.059 to the point where one day she came up and she 00:35:00.059 --> 00:35:02.760 was like pretending like she was gonna fight 00:35:02.760 --> 00:35:07.480 me physically. And I did not make the situation 00:35:07.480 --> 00:35:11.409 better. I was a little bit of a shit. And she 00:35:11.409 --> 00:35:12.590 was like, you don't know how bad I want to slap 00:35:12.590 --> 00:35:14.989 you right now. And I literally, I kid you not, 00:35:15.269 --> 00:35:17.750 leaned in and went, okay, right here. On my. 00:35:19.190 --> 00:35:23.050 And I'm like, look you back, girl. What are you 00:35:23.050 --> 00:35:27.010 doing? Did she get it? No, she got upset. She 00:35:27.010 --> 00:35:29.730 like screamed and was like, ah, I hate you. And 00:35:29.730 --> 00:35:33.630 walked away because I called her out on it. And 00:35:33.630 --> 00:35:36.730 I was because I knew her so well that I was like. 00:35:36.889 --> 00:35:41.969 One I could toss you like a frisbee Like girl, 00:35:41.989 --> 00:35:46.030 but also to She's not gonna do that and it's 00:35:46.030 --> 00:35:49.409 all for looks and it's all for the clout, right? 00:35:49.750 --> 00:35:52.829 Yeah It was all based on like rumors that were 00:35:52.829 --> 00:35:54.789 starting within the group that she believed in 00:35:54.789 --> 00:35:56.190 that she didn't even want to talk to me about 00:35:56.190 --> 00:35:59.070 she just wanted to Believe what people said about 00:35:59.070 --> 00:36:01.670 me and come up and act like she was gonna beat 00:36:01.670 --> 00:36:05.789 me up. Yeah, and I was like, okay And she didn't 00:36:05.789 --> 00:36:07.690 do anything. The teacher came out, told me to 00:36:07.690 --> 00:36:09.349 come into the room and was like, you don't need 00:36:09.349 --> 00:36:15.590 to be dealing with this. But that girl about, 00:36:15.929 --> 00:36:19.050 I want to say it was after college, but she reached 00:36:19.050 --> 00:36:22.650 out to me. I think like my mid early mid twenties 00:36:22.650 --> 00:36:25.570 was when this happened. And she reached out to 00:36:25.570 --> 00:36:29.210 me on a game that we used to play together that 00:36:29.210 --> 00:36:31.429 I was still on. I don't remember what it was, 00:36:31.429 --> 00:36:34.920 but it was like a chat that she sent me. And 00:36:34.920 --> 00:36:37.840 she had said, Hey, this is so and I hope you're 00:36:37.840 --> 00:36:40.940 doing well. I just wanted to say that I've been 00:36:40.940 --> 00:36:43.239 doing like a lot of thinking. I've been really 00:36:43.239 --> 00:36:46.300 trying to be better about myself as a person. 00:36:46.480 --> 00:36:50.420 And I wanted to acknowledge how much I hurt you. 00:36:50.519 --> 00:36:53.199 And I want to reach out and just say that I'm 00:36:53.199 --> 00:36:56.059 sorry. I don't expect a response. I don't expect 00:36:56.059 --> 00:36:58.760 forgiveness. I don't expect anything like that. 00:36:59.260 --> 00:37:01.659 And, but I just wanted to say that I'm sorry 00:37:01.659 --> 00:37:04.960 and you didn't deserve that. And. I responded 00:37:04.960 --> 00:37:09.320 to her like, I appreciate that apology. And I 00:37:09.320 --> 00:37:12.920 acknowledged that obviously we both had things 00:37:12.920 --> 00:37:14.940 that we did wrong in the relationship. We were 00:37:14.940 --> 00:37:17.719 dumb kids and it's not negating anything that 00:37:17.719 --> 00:37:20.019 happened or any behaviors that either one of 00:37:20.019 --> 00:37:23.539 us did when we had arguments. But it was a really 00:37:23.539 --> 00:37:27.519 nice gesture to have her reach out after all 00:37:27.519 --> 00:37:30.880 of those traumatic things that happened. to apologize 00:37:30.880 --> 00:37:33.340 and then for me to be able to acknowledge my 00:37:33.340 --> 00:37:37.500 own part in that and accept her apology and tell 00:37:37.500 --> 00:37:39.940 her, I don't think that we fit in each other's 00:37:39.940 --> 00:37:42.280 lives right now, but I'm happy to see that you're 00:37:42.280 --> 00:37:45.019 doing well and I wish you the best. And that's 00:37:45.019 --> 00:37:47.599 where it ended. And we haven't spoken since, 00:37:47.639 --> 00:37:51.500 but I don't have any ill will towards her and 00:37:51.500 --> 00:37:54.119 she doesn't have any ill will towards me. And 00:37:54.119 --> 00:37:57.739 it's just something as simple as that can really 00:37:57.739 --> 00:38:00.650 make a difference. in your growth as a person. 00:38:01.110 --> 00:38:03.110 You don't need to see everybody, depending on 00:38:03.110 --> 00:38:05.190 the situation, obviously, use your discretion, 00:38:05.230 --> 00:38:09.010 like I've said. But it's things like that where 00:38:09.010 --> 00:38:12.409 you can decide whether you can lend some energy 00:38:12.409 --> 00:38:16.550 to that situation. And I would always say lending 00:38:16.550 --> 00:38:18.829 positive energy to a situation is better than 00:38:18.829 --> 00:38:22.750 lending negative energy to a situation. And negative 00:38:22.750 --> 00:38:26.789 energy being, am I doing this because I want 00:38:26.789 --> 00:38:29.769 to get a reaction? Am I doing this because I 00:38:29.769 --> 00:38:31.630 want to feel validated and I want to feel right 00:38:31.630 --> 00:38:34.869 and I want to feel powerful over somebody else 00:38:34.869 --> 00:38:39.630 or am I doing this because there's a misunderstanding 00:38:39.630 --> 00:38:41.929 at hand or there's something that needs to be 00:38:41.929 --> 00:38:45.110 corrected or I think there's like the positive 00:38:45.110 --> 00:38:48.630 negative energy and got middle like neutral energy 00:38:48.630 --> 00:38:51.530 where it's okay I might need to take action here 00:38:51.530 --> 00:38:54.489 but I'm not gonna come at this with either a 00:38:54.489 --> 00:38:56.909 you did nothing wrong or you did everything wrong 00:38:56.909 --> 00:39:00.260 mindset. It's coming at it from, okay, I need 00:39:00.260 --> 00:39:02.159 to address what you're saying and what you're 00:39:02.159 --> 00:39:05.760 doing. And this needs to be corrected and then 00:39:05.760 --> 00:39:07.300 they can choose however they want to respond. 00:39:07.840 --> 00:39:12.480 But let me address what is misrepresenting me 00:39:12.480 --> 00:39:15.760 and let them respond the way that they're going 00:39:15.760 --> 00:39:20.480 to respond. Yeah. And that's all you can do. 00:39:20.780 --> 00:39:22.800 Realistically, you can't control what somebody 00:39:22.800 --> 00:39:24.840 thinks or feels about you. One of my favorite 00:39:24.840 --> 00:39:30.289 quotes to go into this is literally, I am not 00:39:30.289 --> 00:39:34.170 going to explain myself to somebody who is committed 00:39:34.170 --> 00:39:39.989 to misunderstanding me. There's no room for conversation 00:39:39.989 --> 00:39:42.409 here. There's no room for communication here. 00:39:43.329 --> 00:39:46.989 I am not going to keep comments on my channel 00:39:46.989 --> 00:39:50.550 that are just randomly horrible things being 00:39:50.550 --> 00:39:53.329 slung at me because my channel is a safe space 00:39:53.329 --> 00:39:55.750 and a positive space for myself and the people 00:39:55.750 --> 00:39:58.900 around me. to celebrate our creativity and our 00:39:58.900 --> 00:40:01.420 talent and to learn and grow as people. That's 00:40:01.420 --> 00:40:03.739 what I want from my channel. And so if somebody 00:40:03.739 --> 00:40:06.199 is coming in and just calling me a horrible name 00:40:06.199 --> 00:40:11.320 that has no merit, no nothing, delete. No, get 00:40:11.320 --> 00:40:13.239 off my channel. I'm not going to give you any 00:40:13.239 --> 00:40:15.400 energy to that. You don't even deserve to be 00:40:15.400 --> 00:40:18.119 on my channel if you're going to come in and 00:40:18.119 --> 00:40:21.059 just start negativity for no reason. If it's 00:40:21.059 --> 00:40:23.679 I've had people comment on my covers saying, 00:40:23.719 --> 00:40:25.679 oh, your voice sucks. I hate your singing. And 00:40:25.679 --> 00:40:28.010 I'm like, I'll leave those comments up because 00:40:28.010 --> 00:40:31.409 in a way it's like I can respond to that and 00:40:31.409 --> 00:40:35.329 offer a model of how people can respond in those 00:40:35.329 --> 00:40:37.650 situations. Like with my therapeutic background, 00:40:37.710 --> 00:40:41.909 a lot of times what I like to do as well is modeling 00:40:41.909 --> 00:40:44.789 behavior that I hope to see in other people that 00:40:44.789 --> 00:40:49.349 I've learned for myself works better. So I appreciate 00:40:49.349 --> 00:40:51.590 your feedback. My voice is not for everybody. 00:40:52.050 --> 00:40:57.070 I am sending you love and light. That's it. usually 00:40:57.070 --> 00:40:59.409 when you respond to something negative like that 00:40:59.409 --> 00:41:03.750 with positivity, a lot of times people, a lot 00:41:03.750 --> 00:41:05.329 of times, not all the time, but a lot of times 00:41:05.329 --> 00:41:06.929 people will take a step back and be like, oh 00:41:06.929 --> 00:41:11.710 wait, like I look like an asshole now. Yeah. 00:41:12.530 --> 00:41:14.710 And it's that, the introspection of, I think 00:41:14.710 --> 00:41:18.429 that's the right word, of being like, okay, why 00:41:18.429 --> 00:41:22.219 did I say that? What? did I want to get a reaction? 00:41:22.880 --> 00:41:25.000 Sometimes it can make the gears start turning 00:41:25.000 --> 00:41:28.940 in people when you model a reaction that's not 00:41:28.940 --> 00:41:32.699 getting a rise out of somebody or people want 00:41:32.699 --> 00:41:34.579 to argue over things on the internet. I saw a 00:41:34.579 --> 00:41:36.659 picture the other day on Facebook just to prove 00:41:36.659 --> 00:41:38.880 that people on the internet will argue over anything. 00:41:38.960 --> 00:41:42.980 Here is a stick. And I was like... And then I 00:41:42.980 --> 00:41:47.420 went to the comments. They were like, that's 00:41:47.420 --> 00:41:49.420 obviously a branch. No, that's a twig. And I 00:41:49.420 --> 00:41:55.440 was like... Oh my God. But it's so true. It's 00:41:55.440 --> 00:42:01.059 crazy. And we're so far from the core of our 00:42:01.059 --> 00:42:06.340 spirituality where our energy is meant to live 00:42:06.340 --> 00:42:09.579 in peace with one another. It's meant to understand. 00:42:09.739 --> 00:42:13.460 It's meant to create more positivity. It's not 00:42:13.460 --> 00:42:19.230 meant to constantly be at war. the only way that 00:42:19.230 --> 00:42:23.150 peace would ever be an option is if we all became 00:42:23.150 --> 00:42:26.869 more spiritually in tune with ourselves. And 00:42:26.869 --> 00:42:29.570 I'm not saying like you have to practice any 00:42:29.570 --> 00:42:32.409 kind of belief or any kind of religion. I just 00:42:32.409 --> 00:42:35.630 think that the open -mindedness and the communication 00:42:35.630 --> 00:42:40.550 of society, it's so severed at this point. And 00:42:40.550 --> 00:42:43.730 that's why there's so much drama and people always 00:42:43.730 --> 00:42:47.590 being trained as they grow up. on the internet 00:42:47.590 --> 00:42:51.190 to compete with one another instead of being 00:42:51.190 --> 00:42:54.730 happy for one another. Somebody did something 00:42:54.730 --> 00:42:56.869 amazing and followed their dreams, but they met 00:42:56.869 --> 00:42:59.489 their goal before I did. Oh, I hate them now. 00:43:00.510 --> 00:43:03.510 Why do you hate them? Why not just be happy for 00:43:03.510 --> 00:43:06.230 them? Like, you're putting out positive energy 00:43:06.230 --> 00:43:09.289 to be happy for somebody and seeing them happy, 00:43:09.869 --> 00:43:13.190 that is something that eventually can come back 00:43:13.190 --> 00:43:17.269 to you. Or just, you know, yourself feels better 00:43:17.269 --> 00:43:19.590 for being a good person and being happy for somebody. 00:43:20.090 --> 00:43:25.650 Like, why is that not more normalized? Why is 00:43:25.650 --> 00:43:28.449 it not normalized to ask questions instead of 00:43:28.449 --> 00:43:31.869 just believing anything that somebody says as 00:43:31.869 --> 00:43:34.809 gospel, instead of being like, you know what, 00:43:35.590 --> 00:43:38.030 there's always two sides to a story or even more 00:43:38.030 --> 00:43:41.309 sides. And I'm going to do my own research instead 00:43:41.309 --> 00:43:45.300 of just blindly being negative. in the spaces 00:43:45.300 --> 00:43:49.780 that you're in because it tarnishes your soul 00:43:49.780 --> 00:43:52.559 and your energy. And eventually it just wears 00:43:52.559 --> 00:43:54.760 you down. It wears down on your conscience. It 00:43:54.760 --> 00:43:56.940 wears down in your heart. You may not feel it 00:43:56.940 --> 00:44:00.599 now, but you will feel it later. I've talked 00:44:00.599 --> 00:44:03.699 about my family member who is like that and lives 00:44:03.699 --> 00:44:07.039 alone and has no friends because that's how he 00:44:07.039 --> 00:44:11.920 chooses to be. So for me, it's, sorry, Amanda 00:44:11.920 --> 00:44:14.429 just walked into the room. So I was like, intruder, 00:44:14.730 --> 00:44:19.469 but yeah, so I think that it's really more of 00:44:19.469 --> 00:44:23.570 the mindset needs to switch and people need to 00:44:23.570 --> 00:44:26.690 be open to other people's feelings and opinions 00:44:26.690 --> 00:44:32.570 without seeing it as competition. Yeah. Do you 00:44:32.570 --> 00:44:36.510 have anything to add to that? To that, I like, 00:44:36.550 --> 00:44:39.710 because I totally agree with your point and I 00:44:39.710 --> 00:44:42.739 totally like. Because I agree a lot of people 00:44:42.739 --> 00:44:46.739 just carry this jealousy carry this hatred towards 00:44:46.739 --> 00:44:52.099 somebody and so that makes them Influence their 00:44:52.099 --> 00:44:55.219 actions in response to how they are and like 00:44:55.219 --> 00:44:57.280 you mentioned how it's this Oh this person got 00:44:57.280 --> 00:45:00.760 successful and I didn't so I hate them now And 00:45:00.760 --> 00:45:03.139 it's the thing is especially like in a creative 00:45:03.139 --> 00:45:06.960 industry. Yeah, it's hard. I love It's not even 00:45:06.960 --> 00:45:10.750 just hard out here. It's like you are Decent 00:45:10.750 --> 00:45:13.269 to somebody and someone gets maybe they're an 00:45:13.269 --> 00:45:15.650 actor and they get booked or maybe they're an 00:45:15.650 --> 00:45:19.349 artist and they just got onto Disney to animate 00:45:19.349 --> 00:45:23.650 and storyboard because you know that person you 00:45:23.650 --> 00:45:28.409 now have someone who is in that Industry and 00:45:28.409 --> 00:45:30.730 if they're like, oh man, I could really use a 00:45:30.730 --> 00:45:32.809 graphics artist or I could really use a colorist 00:45:32.809 --> 00:45:35.710 or I could really use a writer Be like, oh, hey, 00:45:35.710 --> 00:45:38.250 I know somebody like it's not like this clear 00:45:38.250 --> 00:45:42.170 -cut thing all the time where it's just, oh, 00:45:42.230 --> 00:45:45.329 it's us against them or them against me. No, 00:45:45.510 --> 00:45:49.849 we are all here together. That's why connections 00:45:49.849 --> 00:45:53.969 and networking. Yeah, networking. That's why 00:45:53.969 --> 00:45:55.949 networking is so important. And I hate networking. 00:45:56.170 --> 00:45:59.090 I hate it so much. But it's really important, 00:45:59.230 --> 00:46:01.210 especially in the creative industry, because 00:46:01.210 --> 00:46:05.280 you never know who will get the lucky shot. to 00:46:05.280 --> 00:46:08.199 go somewhere. And if you know that person more 00:46:08.199 --> 00:46:10.820 than likely to reach down and grab your hand 00:46:10.820 --> 00:46:14.840 to take with them, you can burn bridges. That's 00:46:14.840 --> 00:46:17.840 fine. Not every bridge is worth keeping around. 00:46:18.260 --> 00:46:20.719 But you also understand that you can't be jealous 00:46:20.719 --> 00:46:25.519 of someone for getting a role or getting an art 00:46:25.519 --> 00:46:28.840 job in an industry or becoming a writer for a 00:46:28.840 --> 00:46:33.550 TV show because that same person can then reach 00:46:33.550 --> 00:46:37.489 to you and be like, let me introduce you two. 00:46:37.750 --> 00:46:42.590 I know you. And either one of us can go somewhere 00:46:42.590 --> 00:46:46.489 and bring me with us. And not just like us, but 00:46:46.489 --> 00:46:49.489 we have other people we know. We have voice actors, 00:46:49.730 --> 00:46:52.710 other artists, writers we know that we can take 00:46:52.710 --> 00:46:57.440 with us. People like to think that... Everyone 00:46:57.440 --> 00:46:59.599 just forgets about everybody else because you're 00:46:59.599 --> 00:47:02.079 no longer working together or you're not friends 00:47:02.079 --> 00:47:04.199 Yeah, you're not friends that you're not right 00:47:04.199 --> 00:47:07.519 Lee talking to each other. No those people will 00:47:07.519 --> 00:47:12.599 remember you and you have the power to Have that 00:47:12.599 --> 00:47:15.139 be either a positive impression or a negative 00:47:15.139 --> 00:47:19.150 impression Which is not a bad thing to have. 00:47:19.710 --> 00:47:21.610 It definitely isn't. I would rather have neutral 00:47:21.610 --> 00:47:24.309 than bad. I'd rather be like, hey, I know this 00:47:24.309 --> 00:47:27.309 guy. I just, he didn't talk much, but he did 00:47:27.309 --> 00:47:31.289 pretty good work. And also just like to wrap, 00:47:31.670 --> 00:47:34.090 to go back to the theory for a second, talking 00:47:34.090 --> 00:47:36.769 about being a people pleaser, right? Yeah. I 00:47:36.769 --> 00:47:39.530 think you mentioned it before, but I am the people 00:47:39.530 --> 00:47:46.190 pleaser. And I had a huge, like my coming out 00:47:46.190 --> 00:47:53.460 to my mom I was so scared of disappointment and 00:47:53.460 --> 00:47:58.400 stuff and she didn't react very well at the time 00:47:58.400 --> 00:48:01.699 because she was scared for me because I'm trans 00:48:01.699 --> 00:48:04.480 and there was all over the news a whole bunch 00:48:04.480 --> 00:48:07.659 of trans people were being assaulted were being 00:48:07.659 --> 00:48:10.239 victimized were basically given the short end 00:48:10.239 --> 00:48:12.679 of the stick and I was basically telling her 00:48:12.679 --> 00:48:16.599 hey mom And also in her mind, this was like a 00:48:16.599 --> 00:48:18.900 choice I made. This was because she understood 00:48:18.900 --> 00:48:22.619 that queer people don't make a choice. But she 00:48:22.619 --> 00:48:26.360 was just like... In her mind, I was saying to 00:48:26.360 --> 00:48:29.780 her, Mom, I'm making the choice to make my life 00:48:29.780 --> 00:48:34.199 harder. And putting myself in danger. And my 00:48:34.199 --> 00:48:36.320 mom was scared. And so she didn't believe me 00:48:36.320 --> 00:48:38.639 when I told her that I was trans. She just blew 00:48:38.639 --> 00:48:41.579 it off. And then we never talked about it. for 00:48:41.579 --> 00:48:44.199 like years until I brought her to my therapist 00:48:44.199 --> 00:48:48.480 to address the fact that she didn't see me as 00:48:48.480 --> 00:48:52.019 trans and didn't respect me changing my name 00:48:52.019 --> 00:48:54.719 or changing my pronouns or anything. And that's 00:48:54.719 --> 00:48:59.239 when I realized that she was afraid. And. I'm 00:48:59.239 --> 00:49:02.179 glad we had that conversation, but it's also 00:49:02.179 --> 00:49:05.719 the fact that even if my mom continued to be 00:49:05.719 --> 00:49:10.679 disappointed, I can still transition. My extended 00:49:10.679 --> 00:49:15.599 family, they don't really understand that I'm 00:49:15.599 --> 00:49:18.400 trans. They call me Gabe and he Hammons, but 00:49:18.400 --> 00:49:25.619 they also make choices to support good old 47. 00:49:26.219 --> 00:49:28.340 So they're probably not disappointed in me, but 00:49:28.340 --> 00:49:32.639 they don't like me, obviously. But I can still 00:49:32.639 --> 00:49:35.400 be myself. I can still be openly trans. I can 00:49:35.400 --> 00:49:40.340 be unapologetically myself. to their face because 00:49:40.340 --> 00:49:44.420 that's my choice. I can let them have their views 00:49:44.420 --> 00:49:48.860 and I can let me be myself and I feel like that's 00:49:48.860 --> 00:49:51.539 something a lot of queer people and people that 00:49:51.539 --> 00:49:53.639 are currently living under this administration 00:49:53.639 --> 00:49:56.820 need to hear is the fact that obviously you got 00:49:56.820 --> 00:50:00.119 to take care of your safety but you got to just 00:50:00.119 --> 00:50:04.510 let these people spew their hatred. And you got 00:50:04.510 --> 00:50:07.530 to continue to be yourself. You got to continue 00:50:07.530 --> 00:50:12.769 to fight, continue to be who I am unapologetically. 00:50:13.730 --> 00:50:16.730 And it's hard. It's definitely hard in the current 00:50:16.730 --> 00:50:19.789 political climate, but you got to keep going. 00:50:20.010 --> 00:50:24.570 You got to take a deep breath and you got to 00:50:24.570 --> 00:50:30.329 say, let me let them their thing and let me continue 00:50:30.329 --> 00:50:34.139 to be me, continue to be proud. to be me continue 00:50:34.139 --> 00:50:41.280 to be open about me and continue to live and 00:50:41.280 --> 00:50:44.599 continue to fight because I feel like that's 00:50:44.599 --> 00:50:47.739 a lot of people because they don't do step two 00:50:47.739 --> 00:50:50.719 they only focus on step one right they just see 00:50:50.719 --> 00:50:54.400 all this hate and they can be like oh I'm gonna 00:50:54.400 --> 00:50:58.980 let go of this hate but then you feel so alone 00:50:58.980 --> 00:51:02.670 because you don't allow yourself to continue 00:51:02.670 --> 00:51:06.730 to be yourself, to continue to be, to make the 00:51:06.730 --> 00:51:11.190 choice to be proud, to be loud. Something that 00:51:11.190 --> 00:51:14.170 I heard recently that I definitely agree with 00:51:14.170 --> 00:51:19.670 is that it is better to have transitioned at 00:51:19.670 --> 00:51:24.690 all than to be stuck in a closet forever. Even 00:51:24.690 --> 00:51:28.409 if something happens, worst case scenario. Something 00:51:28.409 --> 00:51:31.630 happens because I am who I am I gladly to take 00:51:31.630 --> 00:51:36.650 that risk because it is better that I lived as 00:51:36.650 --> 00:51:42.949 I am then not lived at all and They can be hateful. 00:51:43.250 --> 00:51:47.889 They can be spiteful. They can Spit in my face 00:51:47.889 --> 00:51:51.869 if they want to but I'm gonna continue To be 00:51:51.869 --> 00:51:54.269 me. I'm going to continue to live. I'm going 00:51:54.269 --> 00:51:57.639 to continue to fight and continue to love I'm 00:51:57.639 --> 00:52:02.599 going to continue to be loved and happy and healthy 00:52:02.599 --> 00:52:06.739 and Living my best goddamn life in spite of whoever 00:52:06.739 --> 00:52:10.019 they are It's not just like bigots. It can just 00:52:10.019 --> 00:52:12.800 be people who just don't like you They can just 00:52:12.800 --> 00:52:15.480 hate you because they can hate me because I like 00:52:15.480 --> 00:52:18.039 mayonnaise and be like, oh, that's a disgusting 00:52:18.039 --> 00:52:19.539 condiment Why would you like it? I don't know. 00:52:19.539 --> 00:52:25.980 I like not dry sandwiches. Yeah, but yeah They 00:52:25.980 --> 00:52:29.360 can hate me for liking mayonnaise, but I'm not 00:52:29.360 --> 00:52:32.440 going to stop eating mayonnaise. And there's 00:52:32.440 --> 00:52:35.079 levels too. There's levels too where if they're 00:52:35.079 --> 00:52:39.260 hating on you for something so minute like mayonnaise 00:52:39.260 --> 00:52:43.639 or who you are as a person or any minor mistakes. 00:52:43.920 --> 00:52:47.099 Normalize letting people grow from their mistakes 00:52:47.099 --> 00:52:50.940 and not constantly holding pasts over their head. 00:52:50.980 --> 00:52:53.380 If they're willing to grow as people, we should 00:52:53.380 --> 00:52:56.199 give them the space to do that. Yeah. And it's 00:52:56.199 --> 00:52:58.360 also just the fact that like even with all these 00:52:58.360 --> 00:53:01.000 minor mistakes, just let them be happy. You don't 00:53:01.000 --> 00:53:03.199 have to harass them all the time. You don't have 00:53:03.199 --> 00:53:05.940 to continue to beat this dead fucking horse. 00:53:07.500 --> 00:53:10.340 Because it's like, at this point, the horse has 00:53:10.340 --> 00:53:13.760 been dead for months. It's really gross. And 00:53:13.760 --> 00:53:16.639 you're continuing to fucking beat it as if it's 00:53:16.639 --> 00:53:19.679 going to do anything. The fucking writer who 00:53:19.679 --> 00:53:21.940 killed the horse is already - they own a ranch 00:53:21.940 --> 00:53:24.099 now and they're taking much better care of their 00:53:24.099 --> 00:53:26.860 horses. Why are you still beating this one horse? 00:53:27.650 --> 00:53:30.190 Basically, the levels come into play too, depending 00:53:30.190 --> 00:53:34.829 on what kind of mistake it was. Normalizing taking 00:53:34.829 --> 00:53:37.010 accountability of, oh, yes, I've made mistakes 00:53:37.010 --> 00:53:38.550 and I'm trying to work on them and be better 00:53:38.550 --> 00:53:41.670 as a person, rather than just this defines me 00:53:41.670 --> 00:53:45.309 forever. No, it doesn't. Unless you're doing 00:53:45.309 --> 00:53:48.190 something truly like you're committing a crime, 00:53:49.349 --> 00:53:53.190 then you go and there's a whole other side of 00:53:53.190 --> 00:53:55.550 things. All the authorities get involved with 00:53:55.550 --> 00:53:58.760 that kind of stuff, which Like, on the internet, 00:53:59.079 --> 00:54:01.659 most of the time it's not that deep. And most 00:54:01.659 --> 00:54:04.179 of the time it's, you're not a judge, you're 00:54:04.179 --> 00:54:08.119 not the cops. Like, why are we trying to seem 00:54:08.119 --> 00:54:11.000 so powerful to other people? I feel like we have 00:54:11.000 --> 00:54:14.099 something missing within ourselves because we 00:54:14.099 --> 00:54:16.579 have that need for that validation and that power. 00:54:16.960 --> 00:54:20.539 When in reality, the power is simply you just 00:54:20.539 --> 00:54:23.280 letting people be who they are and taking a step 00:54:23.280 --> 00:54:28.599 back and... learning that you cannot control. 00:54:29.179 --> 00:54:32.039 What happens, what they do, what they say about 00:54:32.039 --> 00:54:34.860 you. You can control how you act. You can control 00:54:34.860 --> 00:54:37.500 the energy you put into the world because it 00:54:37.500 --> 00:54:40.139 doesn't matter how old you get, you will learn 00:54:40.139 --> 00:54:42.960 new life lessons until the day you leave this 00:54:42.960 --> 00:54:47.860 earth. You never are too old to learn. You're 00:54:47.860 --> 00:54:50.739 not too young to understand something a lot of 00:54:50.739 --> 00:54:55.179 times. I mean, to some extent you are. But in 00:54:55.179 --> 00:55:01.039 terms of like, you're never too old to start 00:55:01.039 --> 00:55:05.079 over and to make yourself a better person. It's 00:55:05.079 --> 00:55:08.320 not too late for you to take the mistakes and 00:55:08.320 --> 00:55:12.099 the challenges that you face and turn them into 00:55:12.099 --> 00:55:14.179 something beautiful. Turn them into something 00:55:14.179 --> 00:55:17.099 that helps you realize, wow, this is where I 00:55:17.099 --> 00:55:19.719 came from and this is where I'm at now. Yeah. 00:55:19.840 --> 00:55:22.619 Like that alone is something to be super proud 00:55:22.619 --> 00:55:26.760 of. And again, it's like the levels of if this 00:55:26.760 --> 00:55:28.900 is something that needs to be dealt with outside 00:55:28.900 --> 00:55:32.380 of the internet, it will be in real life where 00:55:32.380 --> 00:55:35.880 real consequences are. I'm talking, we're talking 00:55:35.880 --> 00:55:38.920 about the little things on the internet, like 00:55:38.920 --> 00:55:41.219 drama channels, like things like that, where 00:55:41.219 --> 00:55:43.940 we don't have all the information. We don't really 00:55:43.940 --> 00:55:47.280 know what's going on, but it gets sensationalized 00:55:47.280 --> 00:55:51.199 and people give villainized and people have these 00:55:51.199 --> 00:55:55.519 real moments of being harassed and not able to 00:55:55.519 --> 00:56:01.699 live their life. And it's just, I think we all 00:56:01.699 --> 00:56:05.079 need to just get to a more compassionate place. 00:56:05.079 --> 00:56:07.619 Like I always say that, and I know it's, it may 00:56:07.619 --> 00:56:11.780 not even happen in our lifetime, but my hope 00:56:11.780 --> 00:56:17.019 for humanity genuinely is that As each lifetime 00:56:17.019 --> 00:56:21.300 passes, we become more accepting of one another 00:56:21.300 --> 00:56:24.480 and we call out the things that need to be called 00:56:24.480 --> 00:56:30.360 out. And not just doing it for views or doing 00:56:30.360 --> 00:56:35.260 it for feeling accepted by people. You don't 00:56:35.260 --> 00:56:38.739 need that. You, as your own person, listening 00:56:38.739 --> 00:56:43.599 to this podcast, you know who you are as a human 00:56:43.599 --> 00:56:48.739 being. your heart, your soul. You know that you 00:56:48.739 --> 00:56:53.599 have the capacity to change your own behavior 00:56:53.599 --> 00:56:57.019 and you don't need to do it for anyone else other 00:56:57.019 --> 00:57:00.280 than yourself. You don't need to prove it to 00:57:00.280 --> 00:57:02.980 anybody. If you want to make a change and you 00:57:02.980 --> 00:57:05.659 want to genuinely be a better person do it for 00:57:05.659 --> 00:57:09.539 yourself because that is the most rewarding thing 00:57:09.539 --> 00:57:11.940 that you're going to feel. I was at my lowest 00:57:11.940 --> 00:57:17.219 point last year And from that lowest point, I 00:57:17.219 --> 00:57:21.219 have been going straight up ever since. And I 00:57:21.219 --> 00:57:23.280 don't care what anybody says, I've come into 00:57:23.280 --> 00:57:26.800 my spirituality more. I've become more self -assured. 00:57:26.880 --> 00:57:30.239 I've become more confident. I'm not as nervous 00:57:30.239 --> 00:57:33.940 and trying to be everybody's buddy. I will say 00:57:33.940 --> 00:57:35.800 what I need to say and you're not going to disrespect 00:57:35.800 --> 00:57:38.860 me, period. And that's the thing is let them 00:57:38.860 --> 00:57:40.880 do and say what they want, but you also have 00:57:40.880 --> 00:57:44.670 the capacity to be like, hey, no. And that's 00:57:44.670 --> 00:57:48.449 just being able to conceptualize all of these 00:57:48.449 --> 00:57:52.050 different things, right? Yeah. But at the core 00:57:52.050 --> 00:57:57.250 of it, what you want, what you put out is what 00:57:57.250 --> 00:58:00.889 you're going to attract in your life. The energy 00:58:00.889 --> 00:58:03.429 you put out is the energy you're going to attract 00:58:03.429 --> 00:58:08.250 because that's how it works. And if you want 00:58:08.250 --> 00:58:10.050 to see a change in your life, you want to see 00:58:10.050 --> 00:58:12.349 a change in maybe the people that you're around 00:58:12.349 --> 00:58:15.980 or Even if you want to change your mindset about 00:58:15.980 --> 00:58:18.920 how you see something You shouldn't be afraid 00:58:18.920 --> 00:58:20.679 of how it's gonna affect the people that are 00:58:20.679 --> 00:58:22.260 around you and if they're gonna agree with you 00:58:22.260 --> 00:58:25.260 or not Because you are your own person and you're 00:58:25.260 --> 00:58:26.880 allowed to believe what you want to believe you're 00:58:26.880 --> 00:58:29.480 allowed to have your own thoughts and opinions 00:58:29.480 --> 00:58:35.800 and with harm to none You can have your thoughts 00:58:35.800 --> 00:58:37.539 and your feelings as long as you're not going 00:58:37.539 --> 00:58:39.619 out and actively hurting people as long as you're 00:58:39.619 --> 00:58:44.219 not going out and doing horrible things It's 00:58:44.219 --> 00:58:49.820 really nobody's business what you do. And you 00:58:49.820 --> 00:58:52.280 at the end of the day know who you are. The people 00:58:52.280 --> 00:58:56.260 that are around you know who you are. And even 00:58:56.260 --> 00:58:58.559 the people that are closest to you, if they're 00:58:58.559 --> 00:59:01.159 having a bad day, like my wife is like, whatever, 00:59:01.460 --> 00:59:04.219 I get an attitude with my wife because I'm like 00:59:04.219 --> 00:59:07.179 irritated or hormonal or something. She's just 00:59:07.179 --> 00:59:10.780 gonna be like, okay, let rain be pissy. in vice 00:59:10.780 --> 00:59:13.260 versa if she's irritated or I'm irritated and 00:59:13.260 --> 00:59:14.960 we're like oh my god whatever you're being so 00:59:14.960 --> 00:59:16.739 annoying but then like in a minute like when 00:59:16.739 --> 00:59:20.440 you don't respond to that with anger and you 00:59:20.440 --> 00:59:23.199 don't you're like oh my god no you like you're 00:59:23.199 --> 00:59:25.380 just okay I'm sorry let me know when you want 00:59:25.380 --> 00:59:29.239 to talk yeah it's that de -escalation happens 00:59:29.239 --> 00:59:33.559 so much faster and you're like wow okay I'm being 00:59:33.760 --> 00:59:36.519 ridiculous right now. So now I want to talk and 00:59:36.519 --> 00:59:38.559 now I want to talk about how I was feeling or 00:59:38.559 --> 00:59:41.619 if anything was underneath that and having that 00:59:41.619 --> 00:59:44.760 communication. But I know we've been chatting 00:59:44.760 --> 00:59:47.340 for a while. So maybe to wrap things up with 00:59:47.340 --> 00:59:53.960 final thoughts, with discretion, let them do 00:59:53.960 --> 00:59:55.340 what they're going to do, say what they're going 00:59:55.340 --> 01:00:00.119 to say to your discretion and let yourself to 01:00:00.119 --> 01:00:04.349 your own discretion do what you're gonna do, 01:00:04.389 --> 01:00:05.989 think what you're gonna think, and feel what 01:00:05.989 --> 01:00:09.409 you're gonna feel. And people might take it out 01:00:09.409 --> 01:00:11.190 of context and be like, I'm a guy, can't believe 01:00:11.190 --> 01:00:12.849 I'm here, I'm here. And make edits and things 01:00:12.849 --> 01:00:15.210 like that and try to make you say something you 01:00:15.210 --> 01:00:19.050 didn't, let them. It's just, at the end of the 01:00:19.050 --> 01:00:24.010 day, it's people who are unhealed that refuse 01:00:24.010 --> 01:00:26.829 to grow and work on themselves that just want 01:00:26.829 --> 01:00:30.050 to feel something, even if that feeling is hurting 01:00:30.050 --> 01:00:33.730 somebody else. And that's... a very sad way to 01:00:33.730 --> 01:00:40.269 live. It is a very sad, lonely way to live when 01:00:40.269 --> 01:00:42.869 you only exist to have the approval of other 01:00:42.869 --> 01:00:50.489 people. So, take from that what resonates and 01:00:50.489 --> 01:00:54.530 leave anything that doesn't. Any final thoughts 01:00:54.530 --> 01:00:58.969 from Gabe? Yeah, my final thoughts is people 01:00:58.969 --> 01:01:02.190 can be disappointed in you. And you can still 01:01:02.190 --> 01:01:07.130 be whoever you want to be. And that's okay. I'm 01:01:07.130 --> 01:01:11.130 giving you explicit permission to be yourself. 01:01:11.409 --> 01:01:15.130 To go on that vacation even though your boss 01:01:15.130 --> 01:01:19.829 doesn't want you to be queer when the world doesn't 01:01:19.829 --> 01:01:26.150 want you to. And to be yourself when other people 01:01:26.150 --> 01:01:32.250 say that you can't. There you have the power 01:01:32.250 --> 01:01:36.889 To be yourself. So let yourself be yourself and 01:01:36.889 --> 01:01:42.929 let them be them Yep Beautiful. All right. Thank 01:01:42.929 --> 01:01:45.130 you guys for listening and Gabe if you would 01:01:45.130 --> 01:01:47.670 like to shout out where they can find you feel 01:01:47.670 --> 01:01:51.389 free Okay, you can find me on YouTube as well 01:01:51.389 --> 01:01:56.110 as Galen quest G a E E L I N quest Hopefully 01:01:56.110 --> 01:01:59.480 by now I have a YouTube video out About now I'm 01:01:59.480 --> 01:02:01.460 putting a deadline on myself at the time of the 01:02:01.460 --> 01:02:07.539 fucking bug at the visit. Honestly, Rain you 01:02:07.539 --> 01:02:10.039 got to keep me accountable. Anyway, I'll have 01:02:10.039 --> 01:02:13.519 a YouTube video out called OCtober where I go 01:02:13.519 --> 01:02:19.099 over my OCtober attempts of 2023 and 2024, even 01:02:19.099 --> 01:02:21.340 though it's 2025. Hey, I tried one of those fucking 01:02:21.340 --> 01:02:23.280 art challenges. You should be proud of me. Yeah, 01:02:23.320 --> 01:02:25.849 I'm proud of you. Oh, thank you. But yeah, you 01:02:25.849 --> 01:02:28.210 could check me out. Also on YouTube, I do art 01:02:28.210 --> 01:02:31.510 and stuff, and I do this podcast, and that's 01:02:31.510 --> 01:02:35.809 basically all I do. All right. Guys, go check 01:02:35.809 --> 01:02:39.050 out Gabe. His art's amazing. And feel free to 01:02:39.050 --> 01:02:41.630 leave a comment, subscribe if you're listening 01:02:41.630 --> 01:02:44.610 to this on YouTube, or follow and favorite if 01:02:44.610 --> 01:02:47.230 you're listening on other podcast platforms. 01:02:48.130 --> 01:02:51.170 And thank you for being with us. I'm going to 01:02:51.170 --> 01:02:54.820 plan on uploading, I believe, 10 of these episodes 01:02:54.820 --> 01:02:58.059 for the first season. So once that 10 is done, 01:02:58.099 --> 01:03:01.599 I'll try to gauge and see how everything is doing 01:03:01.599 --> 01:03:04.039 and if we're going to continue or not. So if 01:03:04.039 --> 01:03:06.480 you like these podcasts, please let me know so 01:03:06.480 --> 01:03:09.920 that I know if you want me to make a season two. 01:03:11.059 --> 01:03:13.159 So like the video, I don't want to be out of 01:03:13.159 --> 01:03:16.760 a job. This is the only thing I got. This is 01:03:16.760 --> 01:03:18.900 just for fun. Yeah, it is. Yeah, no, I'm not 01:03:18.900 --> 01:03:21.639 being paid at all. This is for funsies, but I 01:03:21.639 --> 01:03:23.699 do doing it. So maybe you guys should like it 01:03:23.699 --> 01:03:28.980 or whatever. If he wants it, it's fine. Please. 01:03:30.739 --> 01:03:32.639 On a serious note, thank you guys for listening 01:03:32.639 --> 01:03:35.679 and we will be back with another podcast soon. 01:03:36.059 --> 01:03:39.300 So take care of yourself, drink water and put 01:03:39.300 --> 01:03:42.380 out positive energy into the world. All right. 01:03:42.900 --> 01:03:44.119 Bye. Bye.