Hello, and welcome back to the Real Talk with
Rayne podcast. I am here with my friend, Dark
Ringer, who joined me last time on the last podcast.
If you'd like to introduce yourself first. Hi,
I'm Dark Ringer. I'm a voice actor, singer, and
streamer. You can follow me on any given social
media at Dark Ringer. No underscores, all one
word. If you follow me today, I'm streaming at
about 90 minutes. And that's Stark Ringer with
a W -R -I -N -G -E -R. All right, and then next
we have Stewart, who is my oldest friend since
the wee years of my teenage youth. Pleasure to
be here. Yeah, I'm Stewart. I'm an editor. Not
much I can add to that, really, and not much
in the social media. I hate it. And then last
but not least, we have Chloe, who is a very good
friend of mine. I'm Chloe. Not really much to
say about me. Aspirant, voice actress, writer.
Other than that, not much. You will not find
me on socials. Ever. I'm sorry. Good luck. It's
honestly... I feel like if I wasn't creative
in the world of wanting to see my stories become
reality, I would not be on social media. And
it's like one of the ways to really get noticed,
but... I hate all of the things that come with
it. So that's the only down part I think is I
wouldn't be a part of it if I didn't feel that
it would benefit a possible career. Yeah. So
today we are talking about changing your perspective
when it comes to making mistakes in life and
having failures. So yeah, because I know. All
of us here from conversations that I've had with
all of us, just on a friendship level, have experience
with this. Cheers. Please. No, rip the bandage
off. Rip it off. No. But yeah, I'm trying to
get us to a point where in this podcast, we're
going to talk about how we can see these. failures
as ways to learn and expand our knowledge and
who we are as people rather than being so critical
and horrible to ourselves when we make the mistakes
that we do. Obviously, we have examples of people
in the world, not just social media, but in the
world who make very bad choices and don't care.
So we're not really talking about those people
because those people definitely don't have any
acknowledgement of what they've done wrong. I'm
talking about people who can actually self -reflect
and who have the ability to think back on their
actions and try to see it from a place of growth
rather than a place of this is why soccer's a
human being. Oh my gosh, people being people?
Yeah, people having flaws. Oh my gosh, how...
Yeah, imagine having flaws. You can't relate.
Oh my gosh, like seriously, get out of here with
those flaws. Flaws don't exist in my line of
work. To all my California girls, I'm sorry that
I default to your accent. I don't mean any offense.
I just grew up in Arizona. I grew up in Arizona
and I was around so many Valley Girl acts. I'm
so good at it now that it just comes naturally,
so I'm sorry. No, it's the straight girl voice.
Yeah, that too. But yeah, so I think one of the
things that I would like to do is if we can all
think of a very big moment in our lives that
we made a mistake and that we had to reflect
on that mistake, how that changed us as a person,
how we learned from it and unpacked that a little
bit. So I don't know, I could go first. I can
have one of you guys go first. It's really...
You're the guests, so I can... So what would
you say is the experience that comes to mind?
That you would consider your biggest failure?
You know what? Two years ago, I had an experience
with some garbage customer and it was the end
of the day. I've been working for almost nine
hours. And so I just, without a prompt, messaged
my bro being like, it should be legal to unalive
customers because holy crap. And I guess they
weren't mentally prepared for that. Yeah. And
their partner went off at me. Which, fair. Okay.
So you feel like... Yeah. What do you feel about
how that whole situation was handled? Why do
you think it's a failure? Because I should have
taken my bro's feelings into account for us before
just being like, what if I did several murders?
Okay. What do you think could have been different?
What do you think you could have done differently?
Austin if he was like in a position for me to
vent or in the right mental state for me to vent.
So why is that important? Like why do we think
it's important to ask somebody if they're mentally
ready to engage in that kind of conversation
with us? Because we don't know at any given time
what the other person might be going through.
Maybe they're also dealing with crap. Maybe they
also want to online customers. So now seeing
that you've reflected on those experiences How
do you think it's changed you as a person? I
won't say I'm less angry now, but I'm able to
express it more healthily. Is healthily a word?
Yeah. Not all the time, but most of the time.
Flaws are something that we all have. And sometimes
we have our moments and it's human nature. We're
never going to be perfect. Yeah. All right. Thank
you for sharing. It should be able to unalive
customers though. Stewart so close and yet so
fine. This will be the last time dark bringers
on podcast love you sir in Sir, what it comes
to mind for one of your biggest failures and
how it shaped you as a person Are we going here?
Are we really going here like? Just the girl
I can pick from but none that are like jumping
out as the first choice kind of deal Do you need
some time to think? I can pop in. If you want
to, but just in general, I just think on the
entire point of the entire discussion, as we
said right at the beginning, like failure is
normal. It's something that we do. We're not
going to escape that. The important thing for
me is to approach it with a problem solving approach,
which is hard when you're right in the middle
of it. But the important thing is more to look
at this and go. It's simple to say learn from
it, but really learn from it. Why did it happen?
What did I do that was wrong? Why did I do the
thing that was wrong? How do I not do that next
time? What was the right thing to do and how
do I do the right thing next time? It's hard.
It's sometimes a hard question, especially depending
on the failure, but that seems to be the more.
important thing to me is it's not the specific
failure, any given failure is fine, but just
as long as you're learning from that failure,
learning, because otherwise, what was the point
of the failure? You screwed up and you're going
to screw up again, possibly the exact same way
again. To me, that's not a healthy mindset. To
me, that's a problematic mindset. Right. That
also brings up the way of being able to take
accountability and self -reflecting, whereas
you have people who can't or won't, I guess is
the better word, will not take accountability.
What would be your advice? I know you have, you've
grown a lot since I first met. I've grown a lot
and we've been through our share of differences.
In our friendship. Putting it lightly. That's
our friendship? No. Yeah. We're totally not closer
now as adults than you were a bridesman in my
wedding. It's fine. It's fine. But what do you
think helped you in those moments? Not necessarily
with our friendship, but just in general, how
do you think you did? Actually, there's a lot
that's just interesting you bring that up too.
I knew you were going to, but it's also still
interesting because when you're figuring that
out, a choice has to be made. The choice, it's
possible to make wrong choices and there's also,
there's choices where all choices are wrong and
there's choices where there is no wrong choice.
But you have, I think the other thing is you
have to think about it in, feels a little cold
to say it this way, but, or just very sterile,
but what is my objective? Right? Like that's
the thing. What is my objective here? In the
case of our history, my objective was I want
to preserve this friendship. The choices I made,
the question of where did I make the mistake
has to come into where did I do the thing that
damaged the friendship and how do I not do those
things next time. different people in different
circumstances, they may decide that the mistake
was the relationship or the friendship in the
first place and they may decide that was the
mistake and that the correct choice therefore
is to end that friendship. You've made that decision
many times, I know. So it comes down to your
objective. What was your objective? And sometimes
you got to step back as well and go, was I correct?
Did I choose the objective correctly? Again,
you'll have people in toxic and abusive relationships
as well who will be going on and they're going
to say, no, my objective is the same as what
mine was to maintain the relationship. But that
isn't necessarily it. Introspection, that's the
thing. Ask yourself, what is it that you want?
And what are you willing to do to get what you
want? Yeah, and the same on the same thought
to that person that's on the other side of that
friendship also has to be receptive to communication
and growth and I think a lot of Especially recently
with things that have happened with me and some
friendships that have fallen out a lot of the
times I've realized that it's not necessarily
because anybody's a bad person or that they're
like out to get you or anything like that. It's
because they're not willing to meet you in the
middle. They're not willing to take a step back
and see things from your point of view, because
when you put yourself in somebody else's shoes,
especially since you don't know what they experience
every day, you don't know what's going through
their mind, factoring in physical health, mental
health, things that some people use as a shield
and a reason to be like, you can't be mad at
me because blah, I don't stand by that. I deal
with a lot of issues myself mentally and physically.
And for the longest time when I was younger,
I definitely was very toxic when I was younger
and used a lot of my mental health as I'm going
to win this argument and I'm going to be right
because I have anxiety or whatever. And so my
anger at this person is completely justified
when in reality, it's not. It's you need to come
at it from a place of this is also a person.
who has their own sets of ideas and feelings
and experiences that I may be able to relate
to, but I won't necessarily fully understand
unless I live them exactly the way that they
went through them. So it's about a connection
and it's about speaking to each other in an area
of respect with energy that is matched. that's
positive and wanting to move forward with a growth
mindset, not I want to win this argument and
I want to be right. Because that, I think, is
what tears apart a lot of friendships and tore
apart a lot of my friendships when I was younger.
I do think that a lot of people can fall out
because you're both wrong in some way. I don't
think anybody's ever completely in the right
or completely in the wrong unless we're looking
at really horrible situations. And then that's
a whole different story. But yeah, like terms
of just communication with friends, I think it
comes with time and it comes with life experience
and it comes with learning that the world doesn't
revolve around you. And no, and like your experiences
are valid. That doesn't mean that the other person's
experiences aren't valid either. That doesn't
mean that how they perceive the situation with
you isn't valid to them. and isn't truth to them.
So it really comes down to being able to talk
and have a conversation where you're not trying
to win, you're trying to understand. And that
way you can know each other a little bit better
in a way that when it happens again in the future
or happens a little differently and you have
another spiff or whatever you want to call it,
you have a new way to think about how that person
might be feeling and how that may have caused
the situation, how your actions could have triggered
the situation. And then their actions could have
triggered your response. And it's just a circle,
but it's never as black and white as you started
it. This is your fault. Oh, never that simple.
Never that black and white. So yeah, I also,
after my little spiel, I would like to hand it
over to Stuart if you're Finish. You're all good?
Yeah, we're good. All right. Perfect. Chloe,
would you like to share? Yes, I would. I'm not
sure which story to tell. I've got two really
good stories that both have very powerful messages
to them. One you might know and one I have not
told you. Which do you feel would be better for
the podcast? Maybe the one you haven't told me.
For context, I went to a private school. Like
a college preparatory school for the last two
years of my high school career. Because I was...
How should I put this? I was a little ****. Not
in terms of a hell raiser or anything like that.
I was a kid who had no motivation whatsoever.
I had no motivation to do well in school. I had
no motivation to do hardly anything other than...
video games because ADHD at a very young age
of 18 and 19 is not all that great because your
mind is currently always glomps onto the thing
that gives your brain the most stimulation. For
me it was video games. A little bit more context.
I'm so sorry. I will get to my point. I promise
you this is a very long story. So please grab
your popcorn and settle and I am so sorry. Get
yourself a snack. Have some water. Got no hydrate.
This is your reminder to hydrate something. Um...
Buster check. Yes. Buster check, yes. There will
be no slouchers here. Keep your eyes on the road
and if you're on the toilet, you can do it! Also,
please pay attention to the road. I am not responsible
for anyone who does something naughty or bad
on the road. Thank you. If you're going to the
toilet on the road, I'm sorry. Anyone. Second
of all, how are you doing that? They have their
ways. Oh, and my eyes, there's something so new.
Anyway, five, it's little s*** for an unctuous
little scamp. All right, we're all caught up.
I had this teacher to keep their anonymity. I
will call them Mr. Gray. Mr. Gray. I swear. First
of all, are you in my apartment? And second,
are you reading my mind? Yes. Yes to both. Yay,
new friendship. Wait a second. Stewart? Yeah?
Ringer? What are you doing up there? Oh yeah.
By the way, we haven't even known each other
that long, and yet immediately it's my name that
you call out. Has I heard the stories? It's your
fault. Not my choice of words, but that's literally
what she said. Okay, anyway. This teacher, Mr.
Gray, saw that I was doing very poorly on all
of my essays that I had a spark of brilliance,
as they would always say. And, of course, teenager
me, that went straight to my head and went, I
can do this so easily. I could do it in 15 minutes.
The moral of the story is I could not do it in
15 minutes. They pulled me aside and were like,
listen. I will help you with this, whatever it
takes, but you've got to figure out where and
what you want. Me not having any direction. I
went with the first thing that came to mind.
My dad was a very successful businessman. He's
retired now, but my mind was like success like
dad. That was that teacher was the catalyst through
multiple coachings and a lot of life lessons.
they were able to help me get into the college
of my choosing. So. It was literally one of the
hardest things to do because it took a lot of
extra time out of what I wanted to do on in my
off hours. But there came a time and I was discussing
this with my mother, who was made aware of this
and like, I understand that I haven't been really
motivated at all because reasons. And this is
where I want to try and go. And this teacher,
Mr. Gray, is helping me. And I'm seeing some
real progress. I was honestly super proud of
myself. Yes, I did get a bloody big head whenever
I was talking to my mom. Look at me. I've grown
so much. I'm all powerful. younger kids like
to say. So that's pretty much my story in that
matter. Okay. So I got a little long -winded.
What do you think would constitute as how you
viewed that as a failure then? How you see it
now with a changed mindset? How I view it now
is that it is one of the greatest moments of
my then short life. I've just entered my 20s
and It helped to define me for who I would be
throughout those years. I realized for the failure
parts that mom and dad were fronting all this
money to go to a college prep school. And which
I don't know if anyone knows it costs a pretty
penny. It was a failure on me for not taking
their feelings in into accounts, their dedication,
their connections, I guess it was to get me there.
Looking at it with the mindset I have now, which
is honestly the best version of myself that I
could possibly be in this moment with a few things
that I would like to change, obviously, because
who doesn't want to change things? I view it
as a major turning point. Otherwise, I could
have been like those, you know, those cartoons
where there's this overly large man child is
sitting in front of a computer gaming all day
doing nothing else but that forums. Where did
you find this photo of me? I have my ways. Don't
question it. Okay, Chloe, are you wrapped up
with your example? Oh, yeah, absolutely. Sorry
if I got a little long -winded there. No, it's
fine. Mine will probably get long -winded as
well. Mine is actually pretty substantial to
my life and how it shaped me as a person, especially
now as an adult. And I think The main thing that
I viewed as a failure was my relationship with
my mother growing up and I think that obviously
when you're there are a lot of different factors
that go into things, but you don't understand
your parents in the way that you do as an adult
and I think a lot of self work and therapy has
helped me realize I can't change what the things
that have happened in the past between her and
I, and she can't change the things that she did
incorrectly in terms of, I'm not going to get
into detail, but we were at odds for a very long
time with my upbringing. And it was just a lot
of fighting, a lot of not understanding each
other, not being able to talk to each other.
And it really strained our relationship because
I viewed her in a very negative light for the
majority of my adolescence. And I'm sure she
viewed me as, and in both situations, we were
both probably right. Like I was probably really
difficult. And to me, she was not the best mother,
but recently something happened where I sat down
with my mom. and we're, we live across the country
from each other now. But I sat on the phone with
my mom and we got to talking a little bit about
something that had happened recently with me
and like me being upset and sad over how a friendship
ended. And my mom started listening. And it was
interesting because I Never really had that experience
with her actually listening to me talk about
something that had affected me without her having
a guard up and I always thought that her having
that guard up when I was a child was She didn't
love me. She hated me all of these things and
in reality It made me think and a little light
bulb went off in my head And I asked her, can
you tell me a little bit about your childhood?
And for the first time she was like, yeah. And
we started talking about it. And the way that
she described how her dad, I believe he was in
the Marines. I don't know. He was either a Navy
SEAL or in the Marines. And I don't remember
which one it was. But I know for a fact that
he was very strict, very orderly. and she had
mentioned that he was very hard to talk to. He
was very assertive and she didn't really have
a way to talk to him about things. She felt very
emotionally shut out and didn't really have a
way to express those emotions. Her mother who
still, like, even up until the day that she passed,
and I obviously knew both of them as a kid, and
he was very stern, even in his older age, you
could tell. And she's very mousy, very quiet,
very little, tiny, adorable old lady. Let's go
bake cookies, and let's make little finger sandwiches.
And, like, the cutest person in the world, but
definitely didn't realize when my mom talked
to me about her as well that... There were some
things that happened behind closed doors with
mom too that I as a kid would have never understood
because I was like, but that's grandma. Like
grandma's an angel. Grandma would never, but
we don't know that unless our parents tell us
about their past and how they were raised. They
are humans too. They went through the same stages
that we're going through as adults. And it's
almost weird when you make that connection that
your parents are just people and They do deserve
your respect, but also they need to respect you.
And when you have those candid moments, we were
talking and she said, I think a lot of how I
treated you was learned behavior from how I was
raised. And that emotional shutout response and
not being able to emotionally connect on a level
that I needed her to growing up wasn't my fault.
But it wasn't necessarily her fault either because
she was just doing what she knew. And I think
from a human perspective, it's weird when you
start thinking about other people in your lives
and how you've seen them as horrible people that
have shaped like negative things about you and
start thinking about why that might've happened
and maybe what they were going through and being
more empathetic. to their journey as people.
And after that conversation, I told her I would,
I hope that we talk about things like this more
often because 32 years later, we finally had
that conversation together that I felt connected
to her for the first time in 32 years. Genuinely,
I never felt connected until we had that conversation.
And it was life -changing. Because the way I
spoke to her and the way she spoke to me was
mutually respectful very much. I hear you. I
understand how that was hard for you. I know
I could have done things differently. And it
just, it puts everything into a new perspective
of people aren't all good or bad, even if you
want them to be. just people and they can do
really horrible things and live the rest of their
lives making horrible decisions. But if they
really do want to change and they really do want
to try, they're going to slip up, they're going
to fail, they're going to mess up. It's going
to happen with all of us. Up until we die, we're
never going to stop making mistakes and we're
always going to keep learning. You never get
too old to learn new lessons. Open my eyes to
oh my god, my mom's a person and not just mom
You're not just here to serve as the existence
of the person that brought me into this world
You are another soul You are a connection you
are a being with Hopes and dreams that you probably
didn't fulfill. There are so many different layers
to people Not to say that people can't be all
bad or all good because some people sometimes
can but You don't really ever know somebody until
you spend a lot of time in person with them.
And I stand by that a hundred percent. You can't
truly know somebody unless you have been in person
with them for a while and you've learned all
their habits and their little isms and things
like that. But it was a huge moment for me because
I, for the first time, felt like she listened
to me and she didn't just blame me. for the situation
that happened that I was upset about. And the
first time she actually stopped and took moments
of silence before she responded, like she had
been learning in therapy, queen. I was like,
okay, I love that for you. I love that you're
using therapy language. It's a little late, but
you know what? It's still fine. It's still fine.
It's still fine. It's all good. We're good. But
it's not to excuse anything. that she did wrong
in the past because she did do a lot of wrong
things with my upbringing. And I, as well as
a teenager, did a lot of wrong things too. But
it's seeing that connection. If you want to keep
that connection strong, you need to come at it
with an air of respect and understanding that
regardless of who this person is, you're both
human and you're both on the same level with
each other. No one's better than anybody else.
The only way you're going to get past something
and heal and learn how to genuinely connect and
thrive with other people's energy is by empathy
and understanding. Holding a grudge and living
in the past just made me more physically sick.
Obviously, it doesn't help your mental state.
It doesn't help your physical state, like my
chronic illness, for example. When I'm stressed
out, or I'm like triggered or something, like
it's worse. It is so much worse. Our brains and
our bodies are very connected to each other.
And I, in that moment, talking to my mom, I think
was one of the first times that I felt very,
I don't know what the word is, but I guess healthy
almost, like I didn't have as much. like lingering
pain and stuff because my brain was almost at
ease and It was like that idea that my relationship
with my mother was a failure for my entire life
Resolved in that one conversation that was under
an hour of just us being able to talk on the
same level and share our experiences with each
other and Then you start making those connections
not excusing the behavior. You don't ever excuse
the behavior because that was still a choice
that was made and it was wrong. And you should
always take accountability from that and grow
from that and learn to not do the same thing
again. You learn why it happened and how it shapes
you and this person and your connection to each
other. And at the end of the day, spiritually,
we're all energy and we're all connected to each
other. in a greater way that we will ever really
know. There are moments when you really have
heart to hearts with people that can change your
entire perception of who they are in your life
and how they have existed in your life. I think
that was like, I don't even, it was incredible
and it made me feel almost like part of my inner
child was healed just from that one conversation
of having her be open with me and finally like
letting that guard down and letting that wall
down and talking to me and acknowledging things
that she did wrong. And then me also acknowledging
things I did wrong. And then it's almost like
that relief that lifts off of you. because you've
really moved past it. Once you can acknowledge
it to each other and move past it, it brings
more space for breathing and more space for being
grateful that you have these people in your life.
And you can have that connection with some people
and some people from your past to your future.
Sometimes you can't, but when you do, it's important
to see it as, I'm trying to think of the right
word, but see it as beneficial to your life and
as a positive experience and not necessarily
as, but all these other things happen. Okay,
they have been in the past though. We are focusing
on the future and growing as people. So what
can we do now to not repeat that? So I guess
in a long -winded way, I think my biggest failure
was how I perceived my upbringing just from my
side and never from hers. And it's because we
didn't talk, we didn't communicate. So some people
never get that chance and that's heartbreaking.
And I still think that everybody is very multilayered
and relationships are multilayered. We're never
truly gonna know what another person feels. or
why they do what they do or what they think.
But that understanding, that empathy helps us
get just a little bit closer to living in harmony
with one another without the biases and the judgment
of putting people above or below us in our lives.
And that's my spiel. Thank you for sharing. Thank
you. Do you guys have any other thoughts on our
topic today? I feel like my one was pretty basic
compared to what the rest of you guys said. It
was still good. It was still wonderful, don't
even. Don't belittle yourself like that. It was
the safest option for a podcast that I can think
of. Yeah, you can say if you can go deep. It's
ultimately whatever you're comfortable with.
To me, that was my big moment this past year
where I was like, whoa. You still do cringy things,
Mom. You still cringy sometimes, and sometimes
I just want to be like, what are you doing? Cringe
is eternal. Why are you like this? Terminal cringy.
But it's with the same air of I don't see you
as a monster in my life anymore. I see you as
just a flawed human being that annoys me quite
often, but I still love you anyway. Just like
my wife. It was lovely to speak with you guys
today and to talk about some experiences about
our failures and how we think about them now
and how it shaped us as people. And if you guys
enjoyed this podcast, please support it in any
way you can. We have a Ko -fi and a Patreon and
just liking or sharing. Anything helps. Thank
you to my guests. But thank you for joining me
to all my guests, Dark Ringer, Chloe and Stuart.
Hopefully you guys can join me again on the next
one. Right, possibly. Perfect. Do you guys have
any closing thoughts? Eat your vegetables and
don't talk back to your elders no matter who
they are. And what about Dark Ringer and Stuart?
Any last thoughts? I guess that all the topic
of this, like I said at the beginning, like we've
been same track. You're going, you're going to
make mistakes. Just be prepared to evaluate your
own mistakes. And self -reflection is never bad.
Yes, absolutely. All right. Thank you guys again
for joining me and for spending time on the podcast.
And to everybody listen, drink water, make sure
you eat healthy and do everything right by yourself
and hug somebody that you love today and tell
them something you love about them because it'll
brighten their day. All right. Thank you guys
for listening and we'll be back soon. Bye. Bye.