Hey everyone, my name is Austin and welcome back
to another episode of the Unfiltered Faith Podcast.
If this is your first time tuning in, I'm so
glad you're here. And if you've been here before,
welcome back. I am so excited to introduce today's
guest. His testimony is about real faith, real
struggle, and real healing. And you hear this
story, it's raw, honest and layered, full of
redemption. If you've re -hezzled with your identity,
suffered a major heartbreak, felt far from God,
or just wondered if purpose could arise from
pain. This one's for you. From growing up in
a small Baptist town to heartbreak, healing,
and now helping others find purpose. His story
is about letting go of who you were so God can
shape who you are becoming. This is going to
be real. So, Steven, can you tell us about yourself
and why you want to share your story? When I
connected with you on Facebook, it's actually
been something that has kind of been on my mind
lately as I'm starting to change my course of
my career and things that I want to do differently.
Coaching and developing other people and as far
as the transformation from what they are to what
they want to be is a very passionate thing for
me. And it's really about pretty much my adulthood,
the changes that I've gone through and the transformation
that I've made myself. Somebody asked me a few
months ago. Looking back at five years ago, who
do you wish you had to like guide you? And I'm
like, I wish I had myself five years ago to guide
me to know what I was going to go through because
I feel like so many of us are so caught up in
social media, which I say is the unsocial media.
And I feel like so many people are just lost
and not in a spiritual sense, but just in a physical
and emotional sense. So. It's kind of been on
my heart to kind of like tell my story because
I do feel that my experiences can help other
people get through whatever their situation is.
So we talked a little bit earlier and you mentioned
having a natural happiness as a kid. When did
that start to shift? What was junior high like
for you? Growing up in a small town, I lived
with my parents and my younger sister. I didn't
have a strong relationship with my dad during
that time because he would go out. Drink or whatever
and but my mom was always home with me and my
sister. So my relationship was mostly with her
But overall I was a happy kid. Like we had some
neighborhood kids, you know, hang out do things
outside I just remember like playing with cars
in the mud and stuff like that the he -mans and
all that stuff way back when I love going to
school Elementary school. I loved it. I loved
art I was very much into art at the time when
I got into middle school is kind of when things
change because Kids are just cruel. I was starting
to get bullied in a way from like name -calling,
like fag and all that stuff. And I didn't even
know what being gay was. I had no concept of
it. But the church that I went to, my friends
there, we were super close friends, but at some
point they were talking about me too. And I don't
know if it was because of my mannerisms and some
things that I did. I had a little bit of more
femininity when I was younger. But then at some
point I started to have those feelings, which
I guess we'll get to. I hated going to school,
like my grades dropped. That was a huge transition
for me. I'd love to dive a little deeper into
your personal journey. And if you're comfortable
sharing, I'd really be interested in hearing
about your experience with coming out. Was there
a specific moment or turning point when you felt
ready to embrace your true self and share that
with others? So officially. The first person
that I told was actually a girl that I went to
church with and was really good friends for a
long time. And it kind of came out as a joke.
I don't know. So I told her, and then she ended
up telling all my friends. And I was disappointed.
And I'm like, why did you tell these people that?
And she's like, I just didn't know how to process
it. I'm like, it's not yours to process. It's
not yours to deal with. It's something I'm interested
in you. So that's kind of like how my first.
time coming out was. How did you navigate being
homosexual and being a Christian at the same
time? It was difficult because it's like, how
do you separate the two? Because growing up in
the Southern Baptist community, it was like being
gay is wrong. And there were times, like it was
probably middle school, high school. When I had
started to have those thoughts and those emotions
and things, I was literally crying in my bedroom.
Like, I don't want to be this. But I couldn't
change, my thoughts wouldn't change. It's like
pray the gay away, but the gay was not going
away. So I would go to church with my mom, but
I would go to these church camps every summer
and then twice a year on like a seasonal thing.
And it's not like the church camp where it's
like fun and games. It's really Bible study and
everything. I would do these things and I would
feel guilty, but there was no answer. I had nobody
to talk to. It was challenging for sure. How
did that feel? Because there wasn't as many resources
back then as there is now. I mean, I bet it was
pretty isolating. How did you navigate that?
There was no internet. There was dial -up internet.
AOL. It's like, there's no way to look up things.
There's no way to, if I want to look up something,
I go to Barnes and Noble. Cause that was all
we had. And when I got out of high school, I
started working for a company and that's where
I started to meet. more people, a couple of gay
guys at my work and I went out with them a few
times. But prior to that, there was AOL chat
rooms, but it was very minimal. I think, I mean,
there were no apps or anything like that. People
just didn't talk about it. So then we step into
the part of your life where you're exploring
sexual desires, using hotlines and navigating
identity and secret. What was going through your
mind during those years emotionally and spiritually?
I always felt a connection with God, but I would
say obviously during that time there was distance
because I felt kind of rejected in a way. Obviously
from the church aspect, but then going back to
the resources, I did at some point get into pornography,
which I found in my dad's room. There's these
hotline numbers. So I was like, let me. try this
and see what it's about. So it was basically
you go on to the number 800, 900, whatever. But
so that's kind of how the initial exploring started
for me. It wasn't physical. It was just like
verbal communication. That was actually how I
met the first person that I relationship with.
It was a guy my age. We kind of had the same
background. We talked for over a year. That's
when I started going out a little more. And after
high school, I started working out more. I was
getting in shape. So that's where I was getting
more attention than what I was when I was a kid,
because I was a chubby kid. So to finally go
out and start to get attention felt good to me
because I hadn't had that. And how many years
did I deal with like the whole bullying situation?
So that's kind of how that started. Looking back,
how did those early experiences shape how you
viewed intimacy, love, and your worth? I didn't
see any love in it. It was just kind of lust.
It made me feel more attractive because I was
getting attention that I had not had before.
But from the love perspective, I didn't really
feel love for it at that time. I don't think
love came on until much later on. At some point,
probably a couple of years later, I met somebody
and We were also very much alike. I decided I
was going to go visit. So I went for a weekend
and it was New Year's weekend. And we started
out as friends, but then we got into a relationship
for two years and then that ended. I'd love to
hear about the last relationship you were in.
The one that after it ended seemed to be a turning
point for you. How did that experience help you
grow or shift your perspective on life? The last
one, that one is a big one. So this was somebody
I was with for nine years. This was the most
recent one. And so we were together for nine
years. I'm also the gay guy that said he would
never get married. I'm like, I don't believe
in it. At eight years, we decided to get married.
We had a really good life. Like we both worked
hard. We both had decent jobs. We had our own
place. We had four dogs. We traveled. We never
had like major fights. Obviously there were some
things that popped up in between our relationship,
but eight years we decided to get married. And
then a year later, thanks for doing well. I just
bought my house two years before that. It was
my first home. I worked really hard for this
new role with my job that I had just gotten.
And so going into a year, I'm away for a work
trip and I'm getting these texts in the morning.
Like, I love you so much. Just very odd comments.
And I'm like, what are you talking about? And
he's like, no, I just want to tell you I love
you so much. And I'm like, what's going on? You're
not like that. You don't say stuff like that.
I call him and I'm like, what are you talking
about? That's basically when he broke up with
me. We just got married a year before. You're
doing this to me and I'm out of town. I'm at
work. I'm around people. I can't show any emotion.
I'm coming back home that night and I'm coming
home to somebody who's leaving me. The days that
followed were just extremely hard because I still
had to work. I didn't really have many people
to talk to because I didn't have really close
friends. Our relationship was like, we had some
friends, but not like super close. And for a
couple of months, he moved to the other bedroom.
There was nothing I could do. I tried to get
him to go to therapy with me. I tried to figure
it out. He went to therapy on his own. Some things
happened after that that were a little more volatile.
There he is. COVID started. I lost my job. Luckily,
I was able to sell my house and I moved to my
parents. I put everything in storage where I
was and put my dogs and three suitcases in my
car and drove to my parents for the rest of that
year. And that was probably the hardest year
of my life. Cause it was like the three main
things you worked for as an adult. Your relationship,
your job and a house all gone in six months.
So you lost your job, COVID hit, and you move
back and forth with your parents. That sounds
like an avalanche of loss. What did that season
teach you about pain, anger, and God? I would
go to church with my mom, but it was like the
first Sunday, which obviously I went through
every emotion possible. I just remember two Sundays
that I was just so... full of anger. And I was,
honestly, I was angry at God. I'm like, I don't
understand why this is happening. So much was
happening. I did a pretty poor jobs all year
long, all over the country. I was willing to
go anywhere. I did not want to move back to where
I was. The first job I got was to bring me back
where I was. That's like, what is going on? It
makes no sense. So like there were those, those
two Sundays I remember specifically, I was just
angry at God and I just had to get through it
and I had two like emotional breakdowns in front
of my parents, like hysterically crying. Like
I've never seen myself like that before. So my
parents to see that and they've never seen me
emotional. But then I got a part -time job at
Home Depot. It was probably the best therapy
I could have. I had to drive 45 minutes to get
there every day. And it was good therapy just
to kind of like figure things out. They always
say something good comes out of bad. Like I mentioned
before, I never had a really close relationship
with my parents, especially my dad. And during
this year was a total turnaround. The communication
was much more open. I talked to my dad more than
I ever did before, but also right before that,
he had just got cancer right after I moved back.
Luckily they caught it in time and they got rid
of it. But it was just like, it was a lot during
that time. But the one thing I do see out of
it is that. It built me a relationship with my
family that I had not had before. Was that relationship
building with your parents in a way also helping
you build your relationship with God? I think
anytime you're put in those type of positions
where your life is upside down, either you go
further away or you come closer. For me, I felt
like in the beginning I was pushing away and then I
became closer. And so going back,
to the end of the year before I got a
new job to move back was like, okay, God, I'm
tired of interviewing with these companies. I'm
just like, I just want to start that. So I got
the job opportunity and I'm like, okay, God,
if I get this job, I will go to church. So the
only church I knew was in Miami and I got this
apartment. Let me go into that, that weekend.
So I went to visit a friend of mine that weekend.
I got a job offer on Friday. And they were opening
in two weeks. Can you be here next week? And
I'm like, I'm here now, but I have to move. So
they're like, when can you be here? And I'm like,
well, I need to look for an apartment. So that
was Friday. Saturday I looked for the apartment.
Sunday I signed for the apartment. Monday I flew
home. Tuesday was my birthday. Wednesday I drove
back with my dogs. So in five days, everything
turned around again. Literally. It was a whirlwind.
The salary was half of what I was making. I didn't
know how I was going to make it. And honestly,
I didn't know how I was going to make it through
2020, not having a job or just working part -time
because I had bills to pay. And for whatever
reason, everything was paid on time during that
year. When they say God provides, he really does,
but you have to trust in it. And that's something
I'm dealing with right now. Something I heard
a while back was having blind faith when you
can't see it. And it's, or maybe it's been so
long where you don't see the end of this road.
You have to have blind faith that it's just,
it's going to happen and the right thing is going
to happen. It's not on our time. It's on his
time, which is hard to agree with it. So I'm
kind of dealing with that right now with my work
situation, cause I'm looking for something different.
I'm also starting a coaching business, which
I'm very excited about. I'm very nervous about,
so I'm having to have that. same blind faith
right now during this time, but it's a different
scenario, obviously. So two weeks after moving
a church postcard arrives, you go, you feel something.
What happened in that indicator that made you
say this feels right? So I was like, okay, God,
I get you. I literally had just moved into the
apartment. Within two weeks, I got a postcard
in my mail for this new church that was literally
10 minutes away from me. They had started the
church during COVID, but they couldn't meet in
public. So they met online. They were finally
opening their doors in December. And I was like,
okay, this is it. This is it. And I went and
it was such an amazing group of people. It's
so diverse. The whole church really works together
to make things happen because they have to bring
in the equipment every Sunday morning at six
o 'clock to set up for one hour. And then take
it back down. And it's like the whole thing,
the sound system, the lights, otherwise it's
just a dark theater. It just felt good. Church
is not the old church it used to be. You know,
like I've invited a few people to my church and
they're just like, wow, their churches are three
hours long. And it's like a whole day event.
Like they do community things. They'd have groups
during the week. It's just very different. How
did being part of that church help you begin
to rebuild, not just your faith, but also yourself?
Honestly, it was forcing myself to go. It was
obviously going to church by yourself and not
really knowing anybody. It's a little intimidating,
but I would force myself to go, but I would always
get something out of it. And then another thing
I would do, like Sundays that I couldn't go,
like if I had to work, I would watch Elevation
Church. He's really good as well. He kind of
reminds me of my pastor. And then I went through
a little bit of a patch where I didn't go and
had to figure some things out. But I also was
going through a depression. Though depression
is something I've dealt with for several years,
probably like 15 years or more. So I went through
therapy, I went to counseling, all that stuff,
but it only does so much. Even medications only
do so much. So I finally found. With a lot of
research on my own time, I finally found a treatment
that I was interested in. So after meeting with
psychologists, we agreed to try it. It has totally
changed my life. I don't know how to explain
it, but it does something with your neurological
system, totally resets you. And it works different
for different people. Sometimes it takes longer.
For me, within four weeks, my anxiety was like
half of what it was. And that's kind of like
when things started to change for me again. And
this was last year. Like I felt the anxiety was
like going away. The depression was not there.
I found myself laughing, which I had not done
in so long. I found myself wanting to do things
and be more active. So that's when I started
to return to the church and doing other things
that would keep me spiritually motivated. And
then that's where the coaching thing kind of
came back in to my life because it's something
I wanted to do several years ago, but I wasn't
ready at that point. Now I feel my experiences
through life can help other people, but during
that time I couldn't even help myself. So definitely
my relationship with God is much closer. I also
didn't know how to read the Bible. I found it
very confusing. And until last year, I got this
Bible. It's the easiest thing to understand because
it has like sections in it to talk about different
things and how to understand this process. And
it even takes them to like to current days, like
things they might experience or feel, give them
an idea of what it was like back then. So I find
it incredible. And I actually gave my best friend
one, the same thing. And he's been going to church
with me too, which was a good thing because we
became friends at work like three and a half
years ago. Then one day I asked him and he said,
yeah, I'll go. So now he's been going almost
every Sunday. So I feel more apt to talk about
God and changes in my life that I've seen with
other people that I wasn't comfortable with before.
So what stirred that calling for you to be a
life coach? I wanted to do it years ago. I was
also super busy years ago. With the job that
I had, I have more free time at night. So one
day I was just thinking, maybe I have this job.
I'm stuck in this job to get me started on life
coaching, or I call it more transformational
coaching. So I invested into this, uh, kind of
like online training thing. I built my website
and I have my first client tomorrow. I'm very
excited. It was actually getting. a lot of positive
feedback and I'm like, okay, this is what I'm
supposed to be doing and see where it takes me.
So like the one I'm meeting with tomorrow was
actually somebody from Facebook and he's local,
but I saw a post from him about something and
he seemed very discouraged. And it seems to be
something to do with a relationship, but also
something to do with just. what his mindset is
like. And really to make things change, you have
to change your mindset. It's from the time you
wake up in the morning till the time you go to
bed at night, you have to shift how you think
about things. And your first thought might be
this, but okay, what are you going to do to take
it from this negative emotion to, okay, what
am I going to do differently to not continue
to have that? And then a few of them, I see that
it's relationships that they've maybe recently
got out of, they're hurt, they feel abandoned.
And then I think I mentioned earlier is like,
I just feel so many guys are lost. And looking
at like the gay community itself, a lot of things
in the world is toxic, but in certain environments,
it's even more toxic. So I look at parts of my
life and I'm like, I don't necessarily regret
things that I've done because I think everything
I've done has made me who I am today. I'm not
proud of everything I've done, but I don't hold
that against me either. I don't live based on
those things that I did because I know there's
a lot of good things I did and there's a lot
of great things I'm going to do. But some people
are so hung up on those old actions or those
old habits, but it's really about what's the
issue? What are the habits we need to break and
how are we going to retrain our mind? to do things
differently. And until somebody breaks it down
for you like that, I don't think you know how
to do it because you're just spinning wheels
trying to make through the day. And that's how
I was. So I just imagine that's what other people
are dealing with too. And especially in the gay
community, because superficial is just like social
media. It's all like a show, but people are struggling
behind those doors. And they feel lost and they
feel they don't know how to express their emotions.
So like this one I'm meeting with tomorrow, I
can tell that's what he's going through. And
it was me that reached out to him. And I think
initially I don't think he wanted to because,
but then after like communicating a couple more
times, he messaged me the next day and he's like,
I do need to talk to somebody. And I'm like,
okay, let's do it. But you know, that person
also has to be willing to take that step too.
But it helps when you have somebody that kind
of pushes you to do that. I didn't have that
person. I didn't have that accountability partner.
A lot of my things were self -taught. Fall and
break a leg and get yourself back up. So before
we wrap up, what's one lie you used to believe
about yourself that God has completely rewritten?
I would say going back to the blind fate part.
I'm the person that always has these high goals
and high expectations for myself. Also the type
of person that forces things to happen. Sometimes
it works, sometimes it doesn't. And what I learned
in the last two years is that forcing things
to happen doesn't work because if it's not what
God wants for you, it's not going to happen.
And looking at different things on Instagram,
my whole algorithm has changed to these much
more positive things and to get me to think differently.
And I will see something every day about God's
plan is better than yours. I see something like
that every day. and probably a hundred other
things. But I think now it's just like, okay,
God here it is because I can't do it anymore.
I'm tired. I'm tired of trying to make things
happen and they're not, they're not working and
just getting disappointed and getting back in
a state of mind that is not good. So that's my,
my most recent learning experience. What's one
truth that keeps you grounded today? Self -forgiveness
was a really hard thing for a long time. So many
people deal with that because we take that guilt
upon ourselves that it was something we did so
Self -forgiveness and self -awareness for the
future really is I think two big things I always
try to be self aware every day of things that
I say things that I do because you never know
where you are who's watching and what thoughts
people might have and obviously you want to be
somebody who radiates a Positive thing because
you never know what you can contribute to their
life just in silence, just by viewing. So you
just never know. Your story is proof that even
after everything, sin, shame, depression, rejection,
God still works purpose into our lives. You're
not too far gone. You're not too far broken.
Let go of who you were and let blind faith carry
you into who you're meant to be. Thank you so
much Stephen for coming out for this episode.
If this episode touched you in any way, please
share it with someone who needs it. leave a review,
follow us on Instagram at the Unfiltered Faith
Podcast. Until next time, keep seeking those
fresh perspectives and keep having those unfiltered
conversations with others to better understand
the world around us.