WEBVTT 00:00:16.459 --> 00:00:19.320 Hey everyone, my name is Austin and welcome back 00:00:19.320 --> 00:00:21.719 to another episode of the Unfiltered Faith Podcast. 00:00:22.019 --> 00:00:24.059 If this is your first time tuning in, I'm so 00:00:24.059 --> 00:00:26.160 glad you're here. And if you've been here before, 00:00:26.300 --> 00:00:30.320 welcome back. I am so excited to introduce today's 00:00:30.320 --> 00:00:34.740 guest. His testimony is about real faith, real 00:00:34.740 --> 00:00:37.020 struggle, and real healing. And you hear this 00:00:37.020 --> 00:00:39.759 story, it's raw, honest and layered, full of 00:00:39.759 --> 00:00:42.719 redemption. If you've re -hezzled with your identity, 00:00:43.299 --> 00:00:45.539 suffered a major heartbreak, felt far from God, 00:00:45.630 --> 00:00:49.270 or just wondered if purpose could arise from 00:00:49.270 --> 00:00:55.909 pain. This one's for you. From growing up in 00:00:55.909 --> 00:00:58.350 a small Baptist town to heartbreak, healing, 00:00:58.549 --> 00:01:01.590 and now helping others find purpose. His story 00:01:01.590 --> 00:01:05.250 is about letting go of who you were so God can 00:01:05.250 --> 00:01:08.209 shape who you are becoming. This is going to 00:01:08.209 --> 00:01:12.310 be real. So, Steven, can you tell us about yourself 00:01:12.310 --> 00:01:16.030 and why you want to share your story? When I 00:01:16.030 --> 00:01:18.090 connected with you on Facebook, it's actually 00:01:18.090 --> 00:01:20.469 been something that has kind of been on my mind 00:01:20.469 --> 00:01:24.030 lately as I'm starting to change my course of 00:01:24.030 --> 00:01:26.109 my career and things that I want to do differently. 00:01:26.709 --> 00:01:29.049 Coaching and developing other people and as far 00:01:29.049 --> 00:01:32.090 as the transformation from what they are to what 00:01:32.090 --> 00:01:34.390 they want to be is a very passionate thing for 00:01:34.390 --> 00:01:37.250 me. And it's really about pretty much my adulthood, 00:01:37.409 --> 00:01:39.709 the changes that I've gone through and the transformation 00:01:39.709 --> 00:01:43.129 that I've made myself. Somebody asked me a few 00:01:43.129 --> 00:01:47.019 months ago. Looking back at five years ago, who 00:01:47.019 --> 00:01:49.040 do you wish you had to like guide you? And I'm 00:01:49.040 --> 00:01:51.819 like, I wish I had myself five years ago to guide 00:01:51.819 --> 00:01:54.180 me to know what I was going to go through because 00:01:54.180 --> 00:01:57.019 I feel like so many of us are so caught up in 00:01:57.019 --> 00:01:59.939 social media, which I say is the unsocial media. 00:02:00.400 --> 00:02:03.299 And I feel like so many people are just lost 00:02:03.299 --> 00:02:06.540 and not in a spiritual sense, but just in a physical 00:02:06.540 --> 00:02:09.789 and emotional sense. So. It's kind of been on 00:02:09.789 --> 00:02:12.150 my heart to kind of like tell my story because 00:02:12.150 --> 00:02:14.509 I do feel that my experiences can help other 00:02:14.509 --> 00:02:16.210 people get through whatever their situation is. 00:02:16.650 --> 00:02:19.509 So we talked a little bit earlier and you mentioned 00:02:19.509 --> 00:02:22.069 having a natural happiness as a kid. When did 00:02:22.069 --> 00:02:24.509 that start to shift? What was junior high like 00:02:24.509 --> 00:02:27.509 for you? Growing up in a small town, I lived 00:02:27.509 --> 00:02:30.110 with my parents and my younger sister. I didn't 00:02:30.110 --> 00:02:32.330 have a strong relationship with my dad during 00:02:32.330 --> 00:02:36.590 that time because he would go out. Drink or whatever 00:02:36.590 --> 00:02:39.150 and but my mom was always home with me and my 00:02:39.150 --> 00:02:42.210 sister. So my relationship was mostly with her 00:02:42.210 --> 00:02:45.169 But overall I was a happy kid. Like we had some 00:02:45.169 --> 00:02:47.150 neighborhood kids, you know, hang out do things 00:02:47.150 --> 00:02:50.550 outside I just remember like playing with cars 00:02:50.550 --> 00:02:53.409 in the mud and stuff like that the he -mans and 00:02:53.409 --> 00:02:55.810 all that stuff way back when I love going to 00:02:55.810 --> 00:02:58.550 school Elementary school. I loved it. I loved 00:02:58.550 --> 00:03:01.110 art I was very much into art at the time when 00:03:01.110 --> 00:03:03.770 I got into middle school is kind of when things 00:03:03.770 --> 00:03:08.310 change because Kids are just cruel. I was starting 00:03:08.310 --> 00:03:11.069 to get bullied in a way from like name -calling, 00:03:11.550 --> 00:03:13.870 like fag and all that stuff. And I didn't even 00:03:13.870 --> 00:03:16.810 know what being gay was. I had no concept of 00:03:16.810 --> 00:03:19.349 it. But the church that I went to, my friends 00:03:19.349 --> 00:03:22.490 there, we were super close friends, but at some 00:03:22.490 --> 00:03:25.590 point they were talking about me too. And I don't 00:03:25.590 --> 00:03:29.129 know if it was because of my mannerisms and some 00:03:29.129 --> 00:03:31.530 things that I did. I had a little bit of more 00:03:31.530 --> 00:03:34.520 femininity when I was younger. But then at some 00:03:34.520 --> 00:03:37.680 point I started to have those feelings, which 00:03:37.680 --> 00:03:40.219 I guess we'll get to. I hated going to school, 00:03:40.659 --> 00:03:43.979 like my grades dropped. That was a huge transition 00:03:43.979 --> 00:03:47.860 for me. I'd love to dive a little deeper into 00:03:47.860 --> 00:03:49.659 your personal journey. And if you're comfortable 00:03:49.659 --> 00:03:52.439 sharing, I'd really be interested in hearing 00:03:52.439 --> 00:03:54.960 about your experience with coming out. Was there 00:03:54.960 --> 00:03:57.400 a specific moment or turning point when you felt 00:03:57.400 --> 00:04:00.219 ready to embrace your true self and share that 00:04:00.219 --> 00:04:02.969 with others? So officially. The first person 00:04:02.969 --> 00:04:07.169 that I told was actually a girl that I went to 00:04:07.169 --> 00:04:08.689 church with and was really good friends for a 00:04:08.689 --> 00:04:11.449 long time. And it kind of came out as a joke. 00:04:11.550 --> 00:04:14.349 I don't know. So I told her, and then she ended 00:04:14.349 --> 00:04:16.670 up telling all my friends. And I was disappointed. 00:04:16.709 --> 00:04:18.790 And I'm like, why did you tell these people that? 00:04:18.829 --> 00:04:20.850 And she's like, I just didn't know how to process 00:04:20.850 --> 00:04:23.689 it. I'm like, it's not yours to process. It's 00:04:23.689 --> 00:04:26.149 not yours to deal with. It's something I'm interested 00:04:26.149 --> 00:04:29.730 in you. So that's kind of like how my first. 00:04:30.009 --> 00:04:34.050 time coming out was. How did you navigate being 00:04:34.050 --> 00:04:36.689 homosexual and being a Christian at the same 00:04:36.689 --> 00:04:38.709 time? It was difficult because it's like, how 00:04:38.709 --> 00:04:42.430 do you separate the two? Because growing up in 00:04:42.430 --> 00:04:46.470 the Southern Baptist community, it was like being 00:04:46.470 --> 00:04:49.230 gay is wrong. And there were times, like it was 00:04:49.230 --> 00:04:51.949 probably middle school, high school. When I had 00:04:51.949 --> 00:04:54.370 started to have those thoughts and those emotions 00:04:54.370 --> 00:04:56.970 and things, I was literally crying in my bedroom. 00:04:57.250 --> 00:05:00.589 Like, I don't want to be this. But I couldn't 00:05:00.589 --> 00:05:03.029 change, my thoughts wouldn't change. It's like 00:05:03.029 --> 00:05:04.829 pray the gay away, but the gay was not going 00:05:04.829 --> 00:05:08.790 away. So I would go to church with my mom, but 00:05:08.790 --> 00:05:11.449 I would go to these church camps every summer 00:05:11.449 --> 00:05:14.129 and then twice a year on like a seasonal thing. 00:05:14.430 --> 00:05:16.089 And it's not like the church camp where it's 00:05:16.089 --> 00:05:18.689 like fun and games. It's really Bible study and 00:05:18.689 --> 00:05:20.750 everything. I would do these things and I would 00:05:20.750 --> 00:05:23.529 feel guilty, but there was no answer. I had nobody 00:05:23.529 --> 00:05:25.850 to talk to. It was challenging for sure. How 00:05:25.850 --> 00:05:29.899 did that feel? Because there wasn't as many resources 00:05:29.899 --> 00:05:32.920 back then as there is now. I mean, I bet it was 00:05:32.920 --> 00:05:35.980 pretty isolating. How did you navigate that? 00:05:36.300 --> 00:05:40.360 There was no internet. There was dial -up internet. 00:05:40.600 --> 00:05:44.060 AOL. It's like, there's no way to look up things. 00:05:44.160 --> 00:05:46.399 There's no way to, if I want to look up something, 00:05:46.439 --> 00:05:49.040 I go to Barnes and Noble. Cause that was all 00:05:49.040 --> 00:05:51.800 we had. And when I got out of high school, I 00:05:51.800 --> 00:05:54.160 started working for a company and that's where 00:05:54.160 --> 00:05:58.550 I started to meet. more people, a couple of gay 00:05:58.550 --> 00:06:01.009 guys at my work and I went out with them a few 00:06:01.009 --> 00:06:04.389 times. But prior to that, there was AOL chat 00:06:04.389 --> 00:06:07.250 rooms, but it was very minimal. I think, I mean, 00:06:07.329 --> 00:06:09.410 there were no apps or anything like that. People 00:06:09.410 --> 00:06:11.389 just didn't talk about it. So then we step into 00:06:11.389 --> 00:06:13.129 the part of your life where you're exploring 00:06:13.129 --> 00:06:16.930 sexual desires, using hotlines and navigating 00:06:16.930 --> 00:06:20.149 identity and secret. What was going through your 00:06:20.149 --> 00:06:22.269 mind during those years emotionally and spiritually? 00:06:22.670 --> 00:06:24.649 I always felt a connection with God, but I would 00:06:24.649 --> 00:06:28.410 say obviously during that time there was distance 00:06:28.410 --> 00:06:32.470 because I felt kind of rejected in a way. Obviously 00:06:32.470 --> 00:06:35.490 from the church aspect, but then going back to 00:06:35.490 --> 00:06:38.750 the resources, I did at some point get into pornography, 00:06:38.750 --> 00:06:42.769 which I found in my dad's room. There's these 00:06:42.769 --> 00:06:47.300 hotline numbers. So I was like, let me. try this 00:06:47.300 --> 00:06:49.720 and see what it's about. So it was basically 00:06:49.720 --> 00:06:53.959 you go on to the number 800, 900, whatever. But 00:06:53.959 --> 00:06:58.120 so that's kind of how the initial exploring started 00:06:58.120 --> 00:07:01.740 for me. It wasn't physical. It was just like 00:07:01.740 --> 00:07:05.060 verbal communication. That was actually how I 00:07:05.060 --> 00:07:07.879 met the first person that I relationship with. 00:07:08.259 --> 00:07:10.899 It was a guy my age. We kind of had the same 00:07:10.899 --> 00:07:13.449 background. We talked for over a year. That's 00:07:13.449 --> 00:07:16.410 when I started going out a little more. And after 00:07:16.410 --> 00:07:18.529 high school, I started working out more. I was 00:07:18.529 --> 00:07:20.610 getting in shape. So that's where I was getting 00:07:20.610 --> 00:07:22.970 more attention than what I was when I was a kid, 00:07:23.009 --> 00:07:26.670 because I was a chubby kid. So to finally go 00:07:26.670 --> 00:07:30.410 out and start to get attention felt good to me 00:07:30.410 --> 00:07:32.569 because I hadn't had that. And how many years 00:07:32.569 --> 00:07:34.490 did I deal with like the whole bullying situation? 00:07:34.949 --> 00:07:37.990 So that's kind of how that started. Looking back, 00:07:38.050 --> 00:07:40.889 how did those early experiences shape how you 00:07:40.889 --> 00:07:43.410 viewed intimacy, love, and your worth? I didn't 00:07:43.410 --> 00:07:48.149 see any love in it. It was just kind of lust. 00:07:48.290 --> 00:07:52.850 It made me feel more attractive because I was 00:07:52.850 --> 00:07:54.670 getting attention that I had not had before. 00:07:55.149 --> 00:07:57.189 But from the love perspective, I didn't really 00:07:57.189 --> 00:07:59.410 feel love for it at that time. I don't think 00:07:59.410 --> 00:08:02.589 love came on until much later on. At some point, 00:08:02.930 --> 00:08:04.730 probably a couple of years later, I met somebody 00:08:04.730 --> 00:08:08.829 and We were also very much alike. I decided I 00:08:08.829 --> 00:08:10.889 was going to go visit. So I went for a weekend 00:08:10.889 --> 00:08:13.709 and it was New Year's weekend. And we started 00:08:13.709 --> 00:08:16.410 out as friends, but then we got into a relationship 00:08:16.410 --> 00:08:18.970 for two years and then that ended. I'd love to 00:08:18.970 --> 00:08:20.970 hear about the last relationship you were in. 00:08:21.089 --> 00:08:24.149 The one that after it ended seemed to be a turning 00:08:24.149 --> 00:08:26.569 point for you. How did that experience help you 00:08:26.569 --> 00:08:29.290 grow or shift your perspective on life? The last 00:08:29.290 --> 00:08:32.370 one, that one is a big one. So this was somebody 00:08:32.370 --> 00:08:35.519 I was with for nine years. This was the most 00:08:35.519 --> 00:08:38.580 recent one. And so we were together for nine 00:08:38.580 --> 00:08:41.340 years. I'm also the gay guy that said he would 00:08:41.340 --> 00:08:43.179 never get married. I'm like, I don't believe 00:08:43.179 --> 00:08:46.100 in it. At eight years, we decided to get married. 00:08:46.860 --> 00:08:49.240 We had a really good life. Like we both worked 00:08:49.240 --> 00:08:52.919 hard. We both had decent jobs. We had our own 00:08:52.919 --> 00:08:56.620 place. We had four dogs. We traveled. We never 00:08:56.620 --> 00:08:59.279 had like major fights. Obviously there were some 00:08:59.279 --> 00:09:01.659 things that popped up in between our relationship, 00:09:02.100 --> 00:09:04.620 but eight years we decided to get married. And 00:09:04.620 --> 00:09:08.200 then a year later, thanks for doing well. I just 00:09:08.200 --> 00:09:10.220 bought my house two years before that. It was 00:09:10.220 --> 00:09:12.919 my first home. I worked really hard for this 00:09:12.919 --> 00:09:16.299 new role with my job that I had just gotten. 00:09:17.320 --> 00:09:20.500 And so going into a year, I'm away for a work 00:09:20.500 --> 00:09:23.559 trip and I'm getting these texts in the morning. 00:09:23.980 --> 00:09:27.659 Like, I love you so much. Just very odd comments. 00:09:27.759 --> 00:09:29.860 And I'm like, what are you talking about? And 00:09:29.860 --> 00:09:31.259 he's like, no, I just want to tell you I love 00:09:31.259 --> 00:09:33.450 you so much. And I'm like, what's going on? You're 00:09:33.450 --> 00:09:35.129 not like that. You don't say stuff like that. 00:09:35.309 --> 00:09:37.330 I call him and I'm like, what are you talking 00:09:37.330 --> 00:09:39.809 about? That's basically when he broke up with 00:09:39.809 --> 00:09:42.389 me. We just got married a year before. You're 00:09:42.389 --> 00:09:44.529 doing this to me and I'm out of town. I'm at 00:09:44.529 --> 00:09:47.190 work. I'm around people. I can't show any emotion. 00:09:47.490 --> 00:09:50.850 I'm coming back home that night and I'm coming 00:09:50.850 --> 00:09:54.330 home to somebody who's leaving me. The days that 00:09:54.330 --> 00:09:57.970 followed were just extremely hard because I still 00:09:57.970 --> 00:10:00.110 had to work. I didn't really have many people 00:10:00.110 --> 00:10:02.169 to talk to because I didn't have really close 00:10:02.169 --> 00:10:04.289 friends. Our relationship was like, we had some 00:10:04.289 --> 00:10:06.990 friends, but not like super close. And for a 00:10:06.990 --> 00:10:08.750 couple of months, he moved to the other bedroom. 00:10:08.950 --> 00:10:11.149 There was nothing I could do. I tried to get 00:10:11.149 --> 00:10:13.490 him to go to therapy with me. I tried to figure 00:10:13.490 --> 00:10:17.210 it out. He went to therapy on his own. Some things 00:10:17.210 --> 00:10:20.970 happened after that that were a little more volatile. 00:10:21.610 --> 00:10:25.139 There he is. COVID started. I lost my job. Luckily, 00:10:25.179 --> 00:10:27.240 I was able to sell my house and I moved to my 00:10:27.240 --> 00:10:30.440 parents. I put everything in storage where I 00:10:30.440 --> 00:10:34.340 was and put my dogs and three suitcases in my 00:10:34.340 --> 00:10:37.779 car and drove to my parents for the rest of that 00:10:37.779 --> 00:10:40.779 year. And that was probably the hardest year 00:10:40.779 --> 00:10:42.799 of my life. Cause it was like the three main 00:10:42.799 --> 00:10:44.899 things you worked for as an adult. Your relationship, 00:10:45.480 --> 00:10:49.299 your job and a house all gone in six months. 00:10:49.720 --> 00:10:54.059 So you lost your job, COVID hit, and you move 00:10:54.059 --> 00:10:56.500 back and forth with your parents. That sounds 00:10:56.500 --> 00:11:00.620 like an avalanche of loss. What did that season 00:11:00.620 --> 00:11:03.120 teach you about pain, anger, and God? I would 00:11:03.120 --> 00:11:05.340 go to church with my mom, but it was like the 00:11:05.340 --> 00:11:07.179 first Sunday, which obviously I went through 00:11:07.179 --> 00:11:10.120 every emotion possible. I just remember two Sundays 00:11:10.120 --> 00:11:13.269 that I was just so... full of anger. And I was, 00:11:13.269 --> 00:11:15.470 honestly, I was angry at God. I'm like, I don't 00:11:15.470 --> 00:11:17.870 understand why this is happening. So much was 00:11:17.870 --> 00:11:20.330 happening. I did a pretty poor jobs all year 00:11:20.330 --> 00:11:23.129 long, all over the country. I was willing to 00:11:23.129 --> 00:11:25.509 go anywhere. I did not want to move back to where 00:11:25.509 --> 00:11:27.690 I was. The first job I got was to bring me back 00:11:27.690 --> 00:11:30.929 where I was. That's like, what is going on? It 00:11:30.929 --> 00:11:33.610 makes no sense. So like there were those, those 00:11:33.610 --> 00:11:36.269 two Sundays I remember specifically, I was just 00:11:36.269 --> 00:11:39.769 angry at God and I just had to get through it 00:11:39.769 --> 00:11:42.659 and I had two like emotional breakdowns in front 00:11:42.659 --> 00:11:45.279 of my parents, like hysterically crying. Like 00:11:45.279 --> 00:11:47.200 I've never seen myself like that before. So my 00:11:47.200 --> 00:11:49.379 parents to see that and they've never seen me 00:11:49.379 --> 00:11:52.259 emotional. But then I got a part -time job at 00:11:52.259 --> 00:11:54.340 Home Depot. It was probably the best therapy 00:11:54.340 --> 00:11:57.220 I could have. I had to drive 45 minutes to get 00:11:57.220 --> 00:12:01.139 there every day. And it was good therapy just 00:12:01.139 --> 00:12:03.299 to kind of like figure things out. They always 00:12:03.299 --> 00:12:06.980 say something good comes out of bad. Like I mentioned 00:12:06.980 --> 00:12:09.220 before, I never had a really close relationship 00:12:09.220 --> 00:12:12.340 with my parents, especially my dad. And during 00:12:12.340 --> 00:12:15.940 this year was a total turnaround. The communication 00:12:15.940 --> 00:12:18.360 was much more open. I talked to my dad more than 00:12:18.360 --> 00:12:21.100 I ever did before, but also right before that, 00:12:21.240 --> 00:12:24.940 he had just got cancer right after I moved back. 00:12:25.120 --> 00:12:28.820 Luckily they caught it in time and they got rid 00:12:28.820 --> 00:12:30.519 of it. But it was just like, it was a lot during 00:12:30.519 --> 00:12:33.039 that time. But the one thing I do see out of 00:12:33.039 --> 00:12:36.080 it is that. It built me a relationship with my 00:12:36.080 --> 00:12:40.419 family that I had not had before. Was that relationship 00:12:40.419 --> 00:12:44.080 building with your parents in a way also helping 00:12:44.080 --> 00:12:46.700 you build your relationship with God? I think 00:12:46.700 --> 00:12:49.000 anytime you're put in those type of positions 00:12:49.000 --> 00:12:51.879 where your life is upside down, either you go 00:12:51.879 --> 00:12:54.940 further away or you come closer. For me, I felt 00:12:54.940 --> 00:12:59.860 like in the beginning I was pushing away and then I 00:12:59.860 --> 00:13:03.009 became closer. And so going back, 00:13:03.009 --> 00:13:05.950 to the end of the year before I got a 00:13:05.950 --> 00:13:09.110 new job to move back was like, okay, God, I'm 00:13:09.110 --> 00:13:11.330 tired of interviewing with these companies. I'm 00:13:11.330 --> 00:13:14.970 just like, I just want to start that. So I got 00:13:14.970 --> 00:13:16.350 the job opportunity and I'm like, okay, God, 00:13:16.350 --> 00:13:19.549 if I get this job, I will go to church. So the 00:13:19.549 --> 00:13:22.970 only church I knew was in Miami and I got this 00:13:22.970 --> 00:13:25.250 apartment. Let me go into that, that weekend. 00:13:25.669 --> 00:13:28.429 So I went to visit a friend of mine that weekend. 00:13:28.690 --> 00:13:32.220 I got a job offer on Friday. And they were opening 00:13:32.220 --> 00:13:34.500 in two weeks. Can you be here next week? And 00:13:34.500 --> 00:13:39.240 I'm like, I'm here now, but I have to move. So 00:13:39.240 --> 00:13:41.120 they're like, when can you be here? And I'm like, 00:13:41.159 --> 00:13:44.059 well, I need to look for an apartment. So that 00:13:44.059 --> 00:13:46.639 was Friday. Saturday I looked for the apartment. 00:13:47.279 --> 00:13:50.200 Sunday I signed for the apartment. Monday I flew 00:13:50.200 --> 00:13:54.059 home. Tuesday was my birthday. Wednesday I drove 00:13:54.059 --> 00:13:57.919 back with my dogs. So in five days, everything 00:13:57.919 --> 00:14:00.419 turned around again. Literally. It was a whirlwind. 00:14:00.620 --> 00:14:03.659 The salary was half of what I was making. I didn't 00:14:03.659 --> 00:14:05.360 know how I was going to make it. And honestly, 00:14:05.360 --> 00:14:07.399 I didn't know how I was going to make it through 00:14:07.399 --> 00:14:11.080 2020, not having a job or just working part -time 00:14:11.080 --> 00:14:14.559 because I had bills to pay. And for whatever 00:14:14.559 --> 00:14:18.399 reason, everything was paid on time during that 00:14:18.399 --> 00:14:21.019 year. When they say God provides, he really does, 00:14:21.039 --> 00:14:23.799 but you have to trust in it. And that's something 00:14:23.799 --> 00:14:25.960 I'm dealing with right now. Something I heard 00:14:25.960 --> 00:14:28.820 a while back was having blind faith when you 00:14:28.820 --> 00:14:31.980 can't see it. And it's, or maybe it's been so 00:14:31.980 --> 00:14:34.200 long where you don't see the end of this road. 00:14:34.399 --> 00:14:36.220 You have to have blind faith that it's just, 00:14:36.220 --> 00:14:38.440 it's going to happen and the right thing is going 00:14:38.440 --> 00:14:42.080 to happen. It's not on our time. It's on his 00:14:42.080 --> 00:14:46.960 time, which is hard to agree with it. So I'm 00:14:46.960 --> 00:14:49.139 kind of dealing with that right now with my work 00:14:49.139 --> 00:14:51.360 situation, cause I'm looking for something different. 00:14:51.700 --> 00:14:53.799 I'm also starting a coaching business, which 00:14:53.799 --> 00:14:57.019 I'm very excited about. I'm very nervous about, 00:14:57.240 --> 00:14:59.909 so I'm having to have that. same blind faith 00:14:59.909 --> 00:15:03.389 right now during this time, but it's a different 00:15:03.389 --> 00:15:06.669 scenario, obviously. So two weeks after moving 00:15:06.669 --> 00:15:10.210 a church postcard arrives, you go, you feel something. 00:15:10.409 --> 00:15:12.889 What happened in that indicator that made you 00:15:12.889 --> 00:15:15.730 say this feels right? So I was like, okay, God, 00:15:15.750 --> 00:15:18.049 I get you. I literally had just moved into the 00:15:18.049 --> 00:15:20.889 apartment. Within two weeks, I got a postcard 00:15:20.889 --> 00:15:23.950 in my mail for this new church that was literally 00:15:23.950 --> 00:15:26.960 10 minutes away from me. They had started the 00:15:26.960 --> 00:15:29.179 church during COVID, but they couldn't meet in 00:15:29.179 --> 00:15:31.960 public. So they met online. They were finally 00:15:31.960 --> 00:15:36.899 opening their doors in December. And I was like, 00:15:36.960 --> 00:15:41.100 okay, this is it. This is it. And I went and 00:15:41.100 --> 00:15:43.899 it was such an amazing group of people. It's 00:15:43.899 --> 00:15:46.679 so diverse. The whole church really works together 00:15:46.679 --> 00:15:50.139 to make things happen because they have to bring 00:15:50.139 --> 00:15:52.639 in the equipment every Sunday morning at six 00:15:52.639 --> 00:15:56.639 o 'clock to set up for one hour. And then take 00:15:56.639 --> 00:15:58.799 it back down. And it's like the whole thing, 00:15:58.860 --> 00:16:01.460 the sound system, the lights, otherwise it's 00:16:01.460 --> 00:16:03.740 just a dark theater. It just felt good. Church 00:16:03.740 --> 00:16:06.820 is not the old church it used to be. You know, 00:16:07.059 --> 00:16:08.919 like I've invited a few people to my church and 00:16:08.919 --> 00:16:11.820 they're just like, wow, their churches are three 00:16:11.820 --> 00:16:15.980 hours long. And it's like a whole day event. 00:16:16.360 --> 00:16:19.639 Like they do community things. They'd have groups 00:16:19.639 --> 00:16:22.379 during the week. It's just very different. How 00:16:22.379 --> 00:16:24.500 did being part of that church help you begin 00:16:24.500 --> 00:16:27.600 to rebuild, not just your faith, but also yourself? 00:16:28.799 --> 00:16:32.740 Honestly, it was forcing myself to go. It was 00:16:32.740 --> 00:16:34.559 obviously going to church by yourself and not 00:16:34.559 --> 00:16:36.340 really knowing anybody. It's a little intimidating, 00:16:36.340 --> 00:16:40.820 but I would force myself to go, but I would always 00:16:40.820 --> 00:16:42.840 get something out of it. And then another thing 00:16:42.840 --> 00:16:45.320 I would do, like Sundays that I couldn't go, 00:16:45.379 --> 00:16:47.600 like if I had to work, I would watch Elevation 00:16:47.600 --> 00:16:50.519 Church. He's really good as well. He kind of 00:16:50.519 --> 00:16:52.990 reminds me of my pastor. And then I went through 00:16:52.990 --> 00:16:56.110 a little bit of a patch where I didn't go and 00:16:56.110 --> 00:16:58.450 had to figure some things out. But I also was 00:16:58.450 --> 00:17:00.909 going through a depression. Though depression 00:17:00.909 --> 00:17:03.610 is something I've dealt with for several years, 00:17:04.730 --> 00:17:07.869 probably like 15 years or more. So I went through 00:17:07.869 --> 00:17:09.769 therapy, I went to counseling, all that stuff, 00:17:10.529 --> 00:17:13.329 but it only does so much. Even medications only 00:17:13.329 --> 00:17:17.609 do so much. So I finally found. With a lot of 00:17:17.609 --> 00:17:20.730 research on my own time, I finally found a treatment 00:17:20.730 --> 00:17:23.829 that I was interested in. So after meeting with 00:17:23.829 --> 00:17:28.210 psychologists, we agreed to try it. It has totally 00:17:28.210 --> 00:17:33.109 changed my life. I don't know how to explain 00:17:33.109 --> 00:17:35.630 it, but it does something with your neurological 00:17:35.630 --> 00:17:38.730 system, totally resets you. And it works different 00:17:38.730 --> 00:17:40.730 for different people. Sometimes it takes longer. 00:17:41.190 --> 00:17:44.849 For me, within four weeks, my anxiety was like 00:17:44.849 --> 00:17:47.170 half of what it was. And that's kind of like 00:17:47.170 --> 00:17:49.390 when things started to change for me again. And 00:17:49.390 --> 00:17:52.069 this was last year. Like I felt the anxiety was 00:17:52.069 --> 00:17:54.750 like going away. The depression was not there. 00:17:54.789 --> 00:17:57.710 I found myself laughing, which I had not done 00:17:57.710 --> 00:18:00.529 in so long. I found myself wanting to do things 00:18:00.529 --> 00:18:04.109 and be more active. So that's when I started 00:18:04.109 --> 00:18:06.890 to return to the church and doing other things 00:18:06.890 --> 00:18:10.089 that would keep me spiritually motivated. And 00:18:10.089 --> 00:18:11.549 then that's where the coaching thing kind of 00:18:11.549 --> 00:18:13.930 came back in to my life because it's something 00:18:13.930 --> 00:18:16.950 I wanted to do several years ago, but I wasn't 00:18:16.950 --> 00:18:20.329 ready at that point. Now I feel my experiences 00:18:20.329 --> 00:18:23.670 through life can help other people, but during 00:18:23.670 --> 00:18:26.089 that time I couldn't even help myself. So definitely 00:18:26.089 --> 00:18:28.470 my relationship with God is much closer. I also 00:18:28.470 --> 00:18:30.450 didn't know how to read the Bible. I found it 00:18:30.450 --> 00:18:34.329 very confusing. And until last year, I got this 00:18:34.329 --> 00:18:37.430 Bible. It's the easiest thing to understand because 00:18:37.430 --> 00:18:39.769 it has like sections in it to talk about different 00:18:39.769 --> 00:18:42.970 things and how to understand this process. And 00:18:42.970 --> 00:18:44.869 it even takes them to like to current days, like 00:18:44.869 --> 00:18:48.309 things they might experience or feel, give them 00:18:48.309 --> 00:18:51.829 an idea of what it was like back then. So I find 00:18:51.829 --> 00:18:55.430 it incredible. And I actually gave my best friend 00:18:55.430 --> 00:18:58.240 one, the same thing. And he's been going to church 00:18:58.240 --> 00:19:01.380 with me too, which was a good thing because we 00:19:01.380 --> 00:19:03.799 became friends at work like three and a half 00:19:03.799 --> 00:19:06.339 years ago. Then one day I asked him and he said, 00:19:06.339 --> 00:19:09.359 yeah, I'll go. So now he's been going almost 00:19:09.359 --> 00:19:14.119 every Sunday. So I feel more apt to talk about 00:19:14.119 --> 00:19:16.660 God and changes in my life that I've seen with 00:19:16.660 --> 00:19:19.000 other people that I wasn't comfortable with before. 00:19:19.240 --> 00:19:21.240 So what stirred that calling for you to be a 00:19:21.240 --> 00:19:23.140 life coach? I wanted to do it years ago. I was 00:19:23.140 --> 00:19:26.750 also super busy years ago. With the job that 00:19:26.750 --> 00:19:30.650 I had, I have more free time at night. So one 00:19:30.650 --> 00:19:32.970 day I was just thinking, maybe I have this job. 00:19:33.470 --> 00:19:37.190 I'm stuck in this job to get me started on life 00:19:37.190 --> 00:19:40.450 coaching, or I call it more transformational 00:19:40.450 --> 00:19:44.170 coaching. So I invested into this, uh, kind of 00:19:44.170 --> 00:19:48.029 like online training thing. I built my website 00:19:48.029 --> 00:19:52.410 and I have my first client tomorrow. I'm very 00:19:52.410 --> 00:19:55.099 excited. It was actually getting. a lot of positive 00:19:55.099 --> 00:19:57.720 feedback and I'm like, okay, this is what I'm 00:19:57.720 --> 00:19:59.559 supposed to be doing and see where it takes me. 00:19:59.940 --> 00:20:03.019 So like the one I'm meeting with tomorrow was 00:20:03.019 --> 00:20:06.480 actually somebody from Facebook and he's local, 00:20:07.380 --> 00:20:11.079 but I saw a post from him about something and 00:20:11.079 --> 00:20:14.559 he seemed very discouraged. And it seems to be 00:20:14.559 --> 00:20:16.779 something to do with a relationship, but also 00:20:16.779 --> 00:20:19.589 something to do with just. what his mindset is 00:20:19.589 --> 00:20:22.089 like. And really to make things change, you have 00:20:22.089 --> 00:20:25.190 to change your mindset. It's from the time you 00:20:25.190 --> 00:20:27.210 wake up in the morning till the time you go to 00:20:27.210 --> 00:20:30.109 bed at night, you have to shift how you think 00:20:30.109 --> 00:20:31.890 about things. And your first thought might be 00:20:31.890 --> 00:20:33.789 this, but okay, what are you going to do to take 00:20:33.789 --> 00:20:38.789 it from this negative emotion to, okay, what 00:20:38.789 --> 00:20:41.769 am I going to do differently to not continue 00:20:41.769 --> 00:20:46.380 to have that? And then a few of them, I see that 00:20:46.380 --> 00:20:48.640 it's relationships that they've maybe recently 00:20:48.640 --> 00:20:51.640 got out of, they're hurt, they feel abandoned. 00:20:52.200 --> 00:20:53.720 And then I think I mentioned earlier is like, 00:20:53.880 --> 00:20:58.079 I just feel so many guys are lost. And looking 00:20:58.079 --> 00:21:00.779 at like the gay community itself, a lot of things 00:21:00.779 --> 00:21:05.759 in the world is toxic, but in certain environments, 00:21:05.799 --> 00:21:09.740 it's even more toxic. So I look at parts of my 00:21:09.740 --> 00:21:11.990 life and I'm like, I don't necessarily regret 00:21:11.990 --> 00:21:14.029 things that I've done because I think everything 00:21:14.029 --> 00:21:16.309 I've done has made me who I am today. I'm not 00:21:16.309 --> 00:21:19.730 proud of everything I've done, but I don't hold 00:21:19.730 --> 00:21:22.549 that against me either. I don't live based on 00:21:22.549 --> 00:21:24.950 those things that I did because I know there's 00:21:24.950 --> 00:21:26.690 a lot of good things I did and there's a lot 00:21:26.690 --> 00:21:28.670 of great things I'm going to do. But some people 00:21:28.670 --> 00:21:32.029 are so hung up on those old actions or those 00:21:32.029 --> 00:21:35.430 old habits, but it's really about what's the 00:21:35.430 --> 00:21:38.069 issue? What are the habits we need to break and 00:21:38.069 --> 00:21:40.569 how are we going to retrain our mind? to do things 00:21:40.569 --> 00:21:42.650 differently. And until somebody breaks it down 00:21:42.650 --> 00:21:44.750 for you like that, I don't think you know how 00:21:44.750 --> 00:21:47.109 to do it because you're just spinning wheels 00:21:47.109 --> 00:21:49.450 trying to make through the day. And that's how 00:21:49.450 --> 00:21:52.250 I was. So I just imagine that's what other people 00:21:52.250 --> 00:21:54.569 are dealing with too. And especially in the gay 00:21:54.569 --> 00:21:57.890 community, because superficial is just like social 00:21:57.890 --> 00:22:01.170 media. It's all like a show, but people are struggling 00:22:01.170 --> 00:22:04.490 behind those doors. And they feel lost and they 00:22:04.490 --> 00:22:06.529 feel they don't know how to express their emotions. 00:22:06.690 --> 00:22:08.950 So like this one I'm meeting with tomorrow, I 00:22:08.950 --> 00:22:11.430 can tell that's what he's going through. And 00:22:11.430 --> 00:22:14.710 it was me that reached out to him. And I think 00:22:14.710 --> 00:22:16.829 initially I don't think he wanted to because, 00:22:16.829 --> 00:22:19.750 but then after like communicating a couple more 00:22:19.750 --> 00:22:22.650 times, he messaged me the next day and he's like, 00:22:22.730 --> 00:22:25.670 I do need to talk to somebody. And I'm like, 00:22:26.250 --> 00:22:30.049 okay, let's do it. But you know, that person 00:22:30.049 --> 00:22:32.349 also has to be willing to take that step too. 00:22:32.569 --> 00:22:34.569 But it helps when you have somebody that kind 00:22:34.569 --> 00:22:36.910 of pushes you to do that. I didn't have that 00:22:36.910 --> 00:22:38.950 person. I didn't have that accountability partner. 00:22:39.430 --> 00:22:41.990 A lot of my things were self -taught. Fall and 00:22:41.990 --> 00:22:44.150 break a leg and get yourself back up. So before 00:22:44.150 --> 00:22:46.349 we wrap up, what's one lie you used to believe 00:22:46.349 --> 00:22:48.730 about yourself that God has completely rewritten? 00:22:49.130 --> 00:22:51.809 I would say going back to the blind fate part. 00:22:52.230 --> 00:22:54.769 I'm the person that always has these high goals 00:22:54.769 --> 00:22:56.730 and high expectations for myself. Also the type 00:22:56.730 --> 00:22:59.170 of person that forces things to happen. Sometimes 00:22:59.170 --> 00:23:02.440 it works, sometimes it doesn't. And what I learned 00:23:02.440 --> 00:23:05.700 in the last two years is that forcing things 00:23:05.700 --> 00:23:08.819 to happen doesn't work because if it's not what 00:23:08.819 --> 00:23:11.500 God wants for you, it's not going to happen. 00:23:12.200 --> 00:23:14.200 And looking at different things on Instagram, 00:23:14.660 --> 00:23:17.839 my whole algorithm has changed to these much 00:23:17.839 --> 00:23:21.160 more positive things and to get me to think differently. 00:23:21.240 --> 00:23:24.779 And I will see something every day about God's 00:23:24.779 --> 00:23:27.480 plan is better than yours. I see something like 00:23:27.480 --> 00:23:29.519 that every day. and probably a hundred other 00:23:29.519 --> 00:23:32.420 things. But I think now it's just like, okay, 00:23:32.539 --> 00:23:35.299 God here it is because I can't do it anymore. 00:23:35.420 --> 00:23:37.640 I'm tired. I'm tired of trying to make things 00:23:37.640 --> 00:23:39.619 happen and they're not, they're not working and 00:23:39.619 --> 00:23:42.460 just getting disappointed and getting back in 00:23:42.460 --> 00:23:47.279 a state of mind that is not good. So that's my, 00:23:47.279 --> 00:23:50.980 my most recent learning experience. What's one 00:23:50.980 --> 00:23:53.700 truth that keeps you grounded today? Self -forgiveness 00:23:53.700 --> 00:23:58.410 was a really hard thing for a long time. So many 00:23:58.410 --> 00:24:01.029 people deal with that because we take that guilt 00:24:01.029 --> 00:24:04.029 upon ourselves that it was something we did so 00:24:04.029 --> 00:24:06.369 Self -forgiveness and self -awareness for the 00:24:06.369 --> 00:24:10.269 future really is I think two big things I always 00:24:10.269 --> 00:24:12.410 try to be self aware every day of things that 00:24:12.410 --> 00:24:14.950 I say things that I do because you never know 00:24:14.950 --> 00:24:17.849 where you are who's watching and what thoughts 00:24:17.849 --> 00:24:20.230 people might have and obviously you want to be 00:24:20.230 --> 00:24:23.730 somebody who radiates a Positive thing because 00:24:23.730 --> 00:24:26.089 you never know what you can contribute to their 00:24:26.089 --> 00:24:30.910 life just in silence, just by viewing. So you 00:24:30.910 --> 00:24:34.170 just never know. Your story is proof that even 00:24:34.170 --> 00:24:38.609 after everything, sin, shame, depression, rejection, 00:24:38.990 --> 00:24:41.589 God still works purpose into our lives. You're 00:24:41.589 --> 00:24:43.650 not too far gone. You're not too far broken. 00:24:44.269 --> 00:24:47.269 Let go of who you were and let blind faith carry 00:24:47.269 --> 00:24:49.849 you into who you're meant to be. Thank you so 00:24:49.849 --> 00:24:51.789 much Stephen for coming out for this episode. 00:24:52.029 --> 00:24:54.650 If this episode touched you in any way, please 00:24:54.650 --> 00:24:57.079 share it with someone who needs it. leave a review, 00:24:57.299 --> 00:24:59.460 follow us on Instagram at the Unfiltered Faith 00:24:59.460 --> 00:25:02.299 Podcast. Until next time, keep seeking those 00:25:02.299 --> 00:25:05.000 fresh perspectives and keep having those unfiltered 00:25:05.000 --> 00:25:07.240 conversations with others to better understand 00:25:07.240 --> 00:25:08.180 the world around us.