Hey everyone, my name is Austin and welcome back
to another episode of the Unfiltered Faith Podcast.
If this is your first time tuning in, I'm so
glad you're here. And if you've been here before,
welcome back. Today I have two very special guests
sitting with me today to answer the question,
why is marriage so romanticized? As well as diving
into topics surrounding marriage that aren't
quite talked about enough. Both of them have
experienced divorce, learned from it, and eventually
found love again with each other. So whether
you're single married divorced or somewhere in
between there's something here for all of us
To start things off, why don't you introduce
yourselves and tell us how you met my name is
Jesse and I met Scott through an online dating
website and I had been divorced for 15 years
and really wanted to take the time to learn about
myself and to, I guess, have a better perspective
on a Christian marriage versus a secular marriage.
So I waited a while and then I met him online.
I'm Scott and met Jesse online, as she said.
I had been separated from my ex for probably
close, right out of a year. So not as long as,
as Jesse, but my divorce had just, just finalized.
I'd been basically by myself for a year. And
kind of like Jesse, I really wanted to find somebody
who shared my same values, um, my faith, uh,
and who was just much more mature, uh, much more
level headed, less, maybe less emotional, emotionally
driven. I think it's probably the best way to
say it. and somebody that I shared a lot more
with. I think one of the mistakes I made with
my first marriage is I didn't have a lot in common
with my ex. And I wanted somebody that really
had a lot of the same things like day in and
day out. I wanted to be able to share each and
every day with that person enjoying life, but
also life with that person, like kind of coming
together, if that makes sense. Wow. I love that.
Thank you for sharing your story. That kind of
leads us into our next topic. Let's talk about
the stories we grew up with. Movies, books, and
even social media. They all paint pictures of
romance and marriage that's well, often, idolized.
How have these things influenced the way you
saw love and marriage before? And that you lived
it. What do you think is the biggest difference
between fantasy and reality? I think it's pretty
clear, the movies in general. But also... songs
and plays and other forms of entertainment. And
like you mentioned, social media, although I
think to a lesser degree, social media really
play up marriage as this almost a fantasy, right?
I think of the Richard Gere, Julia Roberts movies.
Thank you. They were just, everything was always
so wonderful and you know, there's always a happy
ending and you know, they were just so madly
in love. And that's true when you're dating,
you kind of have those same emotions and you
feel that way. But when you spend day in and
day out with somebody and you go through struggles
in life with that person, you know, those struggles,
they never talk about those struggles in life
and the hoofies right. Or at least rarely, rarely
you go through that. That's really, I think what
a marriage is when things go wrong and you have
somebody there be by your side to support you,
to help you that you can lean on or that needs
to lean on you and you can be there to support
them. That's part of the marriage that I think
is completely lost in the movies. Social media,
I think, what I've seen in social media, the
portrayal of marriage is similar, but it's more
of like a bragging thing. Look at the car my
husband bought me or the trip that I got to go
on or whatever. And that's great and good, but
again, it's not necessarily reality. There are
some good things in marriage, but... There's
also, like I said, a lot of struggles and things
that you have to go through on a day -to -day
basis as well. I think that you go through trials
and tribulations together, and you learn how
to work with one another. And I think that that's
just movie love. So how do you define love now,
compared to when you first got married to each
other? Like, how have you grown? I think that
when you truly love somebody, you sacrifice for
one another. Even though you may get mad at one
another, you still will sacrifice for that person.
I'm going to use the word use sacrifice. I'm
going to use the word patience. And then this
doesn't completely wrap things up, but I think
you have to learn to have a lot more patience.
I think in the beginning, either when you're
dating or newly married, everything is kind of
a whirlwind and it's just happening. But as things
settle down, you, you start to run into various
troubles or struggles or whether you're about
moving in and just figuring out how to cook together.
I mean, there's challenges, little things. And
I think what I've learned is you have to maintain
your level of patience with that other person.
And that's actually hard for me, which is why
I'm focusing on it, which you would acknowledge.
But yeah, I think continually being patient,
realizing it's not just you. And although you
are one in the eyes of God, You are still separate
people with different opinions, different preferences
and things. And you have to be, again, patience
isn't the best word, but understanding. And there's
another word. We'll be able to know one another
in order to give each other what each other need.
Yeah. You really have to, I think it takes time
to really learn and understand that person, which
is really required in order for you to have the
type of patience or the type of understanding
that they need. And you get that wrong. You have
to just. you have to adjust and you have to continue
to learn. And I think the only way to get through
that is to communicate. Um, I think communication
is really important as the marriage goes on because
you can make some assumptions thinking, I know
that person or I understand what's there, what's
going on. I just don't agree with them or whatever,
but sometimes they change. And so you have to
keep the line of communication open and make
sure that you stay connected. And you, uh, you
have that level of understanding that you need
to make them the. relationship continue to mature.
I think it also helps leaning on God through
a lot because he teaches us so much. And if you
don't have God to lean on throughout your marriage,
that's when you run into problems. So I know
that for our marriage, that was something that
was important before we got married was to just
make sure that we were aligned with our religion,
our faith. Oh, and I'll add to that too, I think.
Um, I'm just being very personal here. It's just
my experience. But when my first marriage, I
was married for 22 years. And while I was a Christian
the entire time, I didn't really study God's
word on a regular basis. And I knew coming into
this marriage, I knew that that was something
that I needed to change. I wanted God to really
lead me in my life. Um, and not perfect. I don't
study scripture every day, but probably five
days a week on average. And I try to make it
something that. not only just spending time with
God, but really listening to what the scripture
is telling me and how the Holy Spirit is moving
me and how that could actually affect challenges
or play into the challenges that I have in life.
Some of my challenges are in my marriage and
the Holy Spirit speaks loud and clear if you'll
just study His word and listen. Do you think
sometimes people rush into marriage because of
how it's portrayed in the media and society?
A hundred percent, I think so. I think I think
the first couple of months you go through this
high emotions, honeymoon phase and this love
and you're infatuated with one another and you
just want to spend all the time in the world
and people play on their emotions during those
first couple of months, but it's the months and
years of being with one another. People need
to really understand one another before they
jump into marriage and understand what each other
wants because if y 'all don't align, You're going
to have problems. I think the movies and the
media in general romanticize, well, I was going
to say, I think they romanticize marriage, but
then at the same time, I think we've seen a decline
in that over the last couple of decades where
marriage isn't really the focus so much in the
media, right? people living together all the
time and they're not married. They don't even
talk about marriage, but the idea of two people
being together is definitely romanticized. I
think that can cause some people to want that
in their life. Um, I have a lot of theories about
why people do some of the things that they do.
And I think it's because they're longing for
some sort of completeness in life. And when they
haven't found that partner, they may They may
do drugs or they may try gender transformations
or all these other things to try to find that
thing that they're longing for. So I think everybody
instinctively, maybe not everybody, that's not
fair, but most people I think instinctively want
to be with someone else. And when they see that
being portrayed in the movies, it makes them
want that even more and wish that they had it
for themselves. So I think it affects. It can
affect them. I think that the movies often portray
marriage or couples being together in a very
sinful way. And I think that is probably, it's
not bad to be with someone else, but you know,
living together outside of marriage, uh, doing
things together as though you were married, but
not focused on, uh, the marriage itself, the
unity, you know, in God's eyes. I think that,
yes, I think that is where Uh, the movies, because
they leave all of that out, that tends to be
left out of people's relationships, uh, when
they find them as well. And that brings me to
a question. I think a lot of people, especially
with those considering marriage, we really need
to hear, what are some things you wish you knew
before you got married? I'm gonna, I'm gonna
answer that question slightly differently than
you may have intended it. Um, because we've each
been divorced, but I'll talk about me because
I've been married before divorced and now remarried.
I'll talk about my first marriage. There's a
lot that I did not think about, did not consider
before getting married the first time. And I
was in my early twenties, so very kind of immature,
simple, simple things. Like some people love
to live on the beach. Some people would rather
live in the desert. Some want to live in the
mountains or the plains or whatever. I never
had that conversation with my wife before I married
her. So I didn't, and that's just one example,
but I didn't. think through and talk through
the compatibility that I had with that woman.
I was just head over heels in love. It was that,
you know, the puppy love or whatever you want
to call it. I was infatuated. Um, and I loved
how I felt when I was with her. That was really
all that mattered in my second marriage that
we talked about all of those things. Like I made
a very much a point to talk about things that
I liked, things that I aspired for. uh, or aspired
to do in life. And I wanted to make sure that
that, that Jesse was going to be compatible with
me and that I would be compatible with her. I
didn't want so many areas of friction happening
on a day -to -day basis in, in my relationship
with my wife. So I tried to make sure those things
were kind of known beforehand. That's definitely
one thing that I learned, I guess. Things were
just very easy for us, um, before. we got married
and that was something that I was praying for
and that I wanted. I wanted God to be the direction
for my life and so I leaned on him through all
the decisions that I was making and our dating
life was very easy and I just knew, I knew it
was from God. How we met was from God. There's
no way me living in Rowlett, Texas and meeting
my future husband who's living in New Jersey
would we have ever met. And that's all direction
from God. And our life was just easy. We loved
being around one another. We loved the same things.
We loved talking to one another. We could go
out. We talked for hours at night and would wake
up and we had so much energy and, but we wanted
to make sure that we were aligned. I want to
double down. So I was thinking very sort of what
did I do differently? Not. how did things happen
differently? So I want to echo what Jesse said.
It was really clear God put us in this relationship
for a reason. And we had some challenges, COVID
hit while we were dating before we got married.
And there were some challenges, but everything
that happened, it was just clear God was in it.
He was a part of it. Um, it was, we didn't have
to try really hard. We didn't, we didn't have
fights and then have to figure out how to get
past it. It's, I don't know. It was, it was diff,
it was really different because I think we both
went into this relationship or looking for a
relationship wanting to put God first and follow
God's lead in it. And that made everything just
like Jesse said, just really easy. If you could
rewrite the way society talks about marriage,
what would you want to change? And what messages
do you think need to be louder? God's the creator
and he put man and woman together. A perfect
marriage is between a man and a woman. I would
say the thing that needs to be said louder is
marriage was designed by God and its purpose
is to impart worship God and please God. And
I think if that is said louder. I think it will
have one of two effects. Either people will start
really looking at marriage and think of marriage
differently in a positive way, or they'll say,
well, I don't believe in God. And so therefore
it's fine. I don't need to be married, whatever.
And therefore we don't really need marriage and
we shouldn't government shouldn't respect marriage.
And it could end up turning negative. I'd say
leave that in God's hands. Let, let him worry
about the effects. I think marriage needs to
be about like, like you said, one man, one woman
put together. um, by God and the marriage needs
to be a reflection of God's design for that man
and that woman. That needs to be said a lot louder.
So for the couples who are listening, whether
you're dating engaged or newly married, what
advice would you give them? Love your spouse
through everything. Be patient, show God's love.
I know it's been hard for me. I'm very, I'm a
very independent woman. Um, I like my space.
I I'm not very needy at times and it's different
than what my husband needs. My husband needs
more things and I have to check myself to make
sure that I'm taking care of my husband. Whether
that's he wants to have a phone call or he wants
to share something that he learned in his Bible
study or he just wants to talk. Sometimes I can
allow myself to disassociate and I can't do that.
So... just understanding what the other person
needs and allowing God to guide you through all
of that. And having faith that if you work together
and you do things the way that God intends, you'll
have a beautiful relationship. I'm going to hijack
your question just a little bit. Again, to really
answer the question, what's the biggest piece
of advice I could give to anybody, period. Not
just people that are looking to get married,
but it does apply to those that are. And that
is the most important decision other than whether
you accept Christ as your savior or not, that
you'll ever make in life is who you choose to
have children with. And you shouldn't get married
to anybody that you wouldn't choose to have children
with. The reason I say that is because I have
children with my first wife and it's been incredibly
traumatic for all of them to have, have their
parents go through a divorce. And I think a lot
of people think because the divorce rate is so
high these days, That's just kind of normal and
whatever but it's not and it's it's a horrible
thing and it's something that we as a society
should be working really hard to reverse course
on and So my my piece of advice is think really
really hard about frankly as we've been saying
Let God lead you to whether this is the person
you really want to have children with therefore
are Bound whether you stay married or not, you're
bound together by the children that you have,
it's an incredibly important decision to make.
And so pray about it and really seek God's guidance
to make sure that that's what His will is for
you in your life. I also think that divorce is
not something that's in our vocabulary. That's
not an option. When we chose to get married and
become one, divorce isn't something that will
be an option for us. You work through it. You
become stronger. It's not an option. I think,
I think we have the benefit of having been married
and divorced and gone through that though, to
say this. Um, and so maybe the other way to answer
your question of what advice would we give to
people that are looking to get married is you
should have the same perspective as Jesse just
articulated, that divorce isn't an option. If
you anywhere in your being think, well, if I'm
making a mistake, I could just get divorced.
Then don't get married. It shouldn't, it shouldn't
be something that you're willing to consider.
Uh, so if there's any doubt whatsoever, just,
just don't get married or just don't get married
yet until that doubt has been removed. I also
think surrounding yourself with like -minded
people that can support you through the trials
and tribulations, whether you're in a dating
relationship engaged or married, surround yourself
with like -minded people. godly Christian people
that you can rebound and go to for advice. Something
that my husband has said that I think about all
the time is you should have advisors, trusted
advisors that you can go to. And not just people
that are the same age, maybe people that are
older that have been through life together that
can really sit you down and have that. advice
for you. Something that Scott and I did is we
went through pretty in -depth marriage counseling
that really went over a lot of stuff together.
Something that Scott and I do is we have an older
couple that they are our advisors and they are
a Christian couple that have been married for
a very long time and that's who we go to if we
have questions or concerns. on top of reading
our Bible, and we have friends and family to
bounce ideas off of. So before we wrap up, I
want to touch on something that adds a whole
other layer to a relationship, blended families.
What kind of conversations did you have before
you brought your family together? I have a large
family. I have eight kids from my first marriage,
and Jesse has three. There's some overlap in
age, but I have some younger ones that don't
overlap with hers. So there's a little bit of
challenge just trying to get the, we wanting
the kids. We have, we have older kids. I have
kids that were near married or out on their own,
at least when we got married and have since gotten
married and have had children, et cetera. So
we didn't get to spend a lot of time with them.
But then we have some kids that were in high
school and younger who obviously we both got
to spend a lot of time with. So some of the things
that we talked about was reprimanding the children,
parenting. All right. I sort of have my children
and she has hers. And so we kind of felt a little
awkward parenting the other person's children,
but we talked about it. And I wanted to, I wanted
Jesse to know that I believe God's design is
for a mother and a father. If I'm the only one
parenting my children, because they're my children
and my children are missing out on what Jesse
can offer as that mother figure as a stepmother
in this case. And I hope that my ex's new husband,
you know, parents and provides that father fatherly
advice or fatherly love and fatherly guidance.
So I think we talked about that and trying to
make sure we didn't overstep the bounds and so
forth. And we were respectful of these aren't
like my biological children, but that we both
had a parental duty to, um, to parent those children.
I don't think of anything else that we talked
about it in blending the families under. That
was one of the biggest ones. Any other thoughts?
I talked to my kids before. I really wanted them
to be comfortable with the decision of me getting
married again. And is this somebody that you,
do you like the kids? Do you not like the kids?
Like, what are your feedback? My son was so excited.
when he found out that he would have quote -unquote
younger siblings. He said, I always wanted another
little brother or another little sister. And
so he was excited about the opportunity of having
siblings. So it was something that we were excited
to blend our family together. Wow, that's so
good. Thank you so much, Scott and Jesse, for
being here today. What you shared is more than
just personal experience. It's a reminder that
love isn't about perfection or timelines. or
always getting it right. It's about learning,
growing, healing, and choosing each other even
after the hard parts. For anyone listening who
might be navigating love, heartbreak, or the
unknown in between, I hope this episode brought
some comfort, some clarity, or at the very least
that the reminder that you are not alone. If
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