Hey everyone, my name is Austin and welcome back
to another episode of the Unfiltered Faith podcast.
If this is your first time tuning in, I'm so
glad you're here. And if you've been here before,
welcome back. This one's for the romantics, the
skeptics, and everyone in between. We're talking
about how the stories we see on screen in books
and social media shape the way we view romance
and marriage. From fairy tales to filters, we're
constantly being shown a version of love that
may or may not hold up in real life. And today
we're digging into that. what's fantasy, what's
truth, and what we wish we knew before stepping
into long -term love. Whether you're single,
married, somewhere in between, or even reconsidering
what love means to you, there's something here
for you. But before we jump into today's conversation,
I've invited two really awesome friends of mine
for this episode. They bring not only personal
insight, but also a little lived experience that
I think a lot of you will connect with. So I'll
let them introduce themselves and how they met.
and then we'll dive into our discussion today.
Hey y 'all, super excited to be here and Austin,
thank you for inviting us and having us on this
podcast with you man. So my name is Cole and
I have my lovely bride with me, Cassidy. The
reason that I'm able to do most anything outside
of Jesus and God making it possible in the practical
world, she's a rock star. I call her Superwoman
all the time. The other question you wanted us
to share just a little bit about how we met and
what that looked like. I am going to, I'm going
to let Cassidy share that story. It's funny you
ask because we kind of, we disagree on how we
met, but she's always right. So hear her side
of it. Well, we met through mutual friends back
in high school while I was still in high school.
Just graduated and you're in college. Our friend
groups went bowling. Or do I think it's kayaking?
One of the two. For the record, my story is bowling.
So it looks like she agrees with me. Maybe I
do. We weren't either bowling or kayaking. And
at the time we were seeing other people and just,
it wasn't a thing. Couple years later, probably
about five years later. He posted some inspirational
videos on Instagram. It was during the time of
COVID, so it was already a really hard time.
And so I had just responded to one. That was
the kind way of saying it. She slid into my DMs.
No big deal. I had responded to one. And then
from there, we just kept talking. And the rest
is history. Man, I love that. It's always so
fascinating here. How different. people's love
stories begin. Some are sweet and slow, some
are unexpected. So we grow up being told stories.
Some are told in books, some in Disney movies,
and before we know it, we start to build a blueprint
of what love is supposed to look like. In your
view, how have movies, books, and social media
shaped our perception of romance and marriage?
I would say they almost have, and this is not
statistical. I didn't do any research on this.
I would say this is just from my own personal
view and thought I would say all of those sources
have combined to affect marriages and romance
in the modern world I would say nine and I know
that's super high but I mean the only movies
that cast and I not only movies because every
now and then she'll bite the bullet and she'll
literally she'll watch an action movie with me
not literally but pun intended you know what
I'm saying and she'll watch an action movie with
me, but for the most part, we watch the rom -coms.
And they're all the same storyline. Two people
fall in love, they break up, and they get back
together. And it's just very vague. But when
you're looking at the world and you're watching
how people interact when it comes to dating and
marriage and it comes to seeking out, finding
somebody. I mean, I remember when dating apps
got really big. I've seen multiple movies that
now have dating apps as the main source of creating
a relationship. And please hear me, I'm not saying
dating apps are even bad. However, when we are
then influenced, now we throw in music, and we
throw in movies with one night stands, and we
throw in music like things that are all sexual.
What we see is that just takes over our mind
subconsciously. And then we go to Tinder and
Tinder is no longer a dating app. It's a hookup
app. And so, dude, I just think all in all, again,
not statistical. I'm not saying I know it all.
I didn't do the research, but personally, I think
it affects 90 percent of all relationships. I
mean, heck, you just heard from Cassidy where
we met mutual friends. Yes. But then how did
the initial dating conversation start? all through
Instagram, social media. And I just think if
you're not careful to let God, to let the Holy
Spirit kind of guide those through watching movies,
then I say it just, what's the word I'm looking
for? Inevitable, that it shapes your relationship.
I think kind of from the opposite side of like
Hallmark movies and just like the perfect love
story. I like watching those anyways, so I think
we kind of paint them. It's not a fake picture,
because there are lots of hallmark moments in
marriage and stuff, and it's good, but it doesn't
show the tough stuff. Have you ever caught yourself
comparing your relationship to something from
a movie or a social media post? I would say previously,
before Cassidy, yes. Previous relationships.
But with my wife, no. We made it a point early.
Center our relationship on Jesus and not what...
Social media and movies say and now don't get
me wrong. There's times where we see some things
in movies and we're like, oh, that'd be really
cool Hey, that'd be really fun or That's not
realistic. That's not how people fight or whatever
it may be but for the most part man the grass
isn't greener on the other side it's greener
where you water it and so Cassidy and I just
made a vow to each other that we're gonna water
our own grass and We're gonna watch it grow and
we're gonna trim it and we're gonna keep with
it So once we've absorbed all of those love story
blueprints, we start to carry them into real
relationships, and sometimes that's where the
friction starts. What are some of the key differences
you've noticed between the romantic fantasy and
the real experiences of love and marriage? You
got anything? Yeah. Man, some key differences
between romantic fantasies and realistic marriages,
I think... Man, that's a deep question. That's
a good question. Let me think about that for
a second. some differences we see a lot of times
in the movies the guy will just get in his car
and leave or girl one side just leaves leaves
the conversation things get hard and all of a
sudden it's game over man I saw this quote marriage
is hard divorce is hard choose your heart what
heart what heart are you gonna go with and I
know for a fact that marriage has a greater dividend
in all aspects of her life and so I think in
What difference have I seen in comparing and
contrasting? And when things get hard, we can't
just leave. We can't just say, all right, see
you next time. Let's sit and talk about it. And
I'll share on our behalf, actually. Cassidy is
a processor. I am a speak now in the moment kind
of person. And so something that we've had to
work on is this idea behind she needs some time
to think. I can't just bring something on her.
Some of my feelings. and expect her to have a
response right away. There's a period that she
needs to think. That's not time for her to get
in the car and leave. It's not time for me to
walk away in anger because she's not answering
me right away. It's time for her to sit and process.
And it's time for me to understand that she needs
time to process. So I would say that's one difference,
which, granted, movies don't have the time to
do that, right? Because they have a time frame
they have to stick with. But I think there's
a better way to depict it that Not to just leave
when things get hard. What's your thoughts? What
do you think? You know, it's easy to get up in
the car and like the movies show that. So I would
say, well, we need more movies showing good communication
and healthy arguing, I think. How to healthily
communicate. Especially in front of your kids
and then I want to build off what you just said
again, but I think I like the term I think Francis
Chan says I'm sure other people say it too, but
to fight Well, there's a way there's a way to
fight Well, and and like you're saying in front
of your kids like they need to see how to healthily
handle arguments Because no two people are perfect
in a marriage Something's gonna come up. How
do you handle it? So you brought up a really
good point about healthy arguing. What would
you say that looks like? Yeah, I love that question.
Man, I think healthy arguing is understanding
you are there for the other person. If both people
in the conversation understand that you're for
the other person, no person is right, but they're
not wrong either. I think you just understand
that everyone has a different perspective. For
example, if Cassidy and I disagree on something,
whatever it is. Fill in the blank, make up a
scenario that you want to right now, whoever's
listening, make something up. But if I ever come
at it, that I am 100 % right, and don't give
her a chance to give the perspective, that is
not fair, and that is not fair fighting. If Cassidy
comes to me and tells me that the sky is green,
and I sit there and argue with her that no, it's
blue, I've already lost. Rather than telling
her it's blue, if she really thinks it's green,
I'm never gonna win. But if I start asking her
questions, well, why do you think it's green?
What shade of green do you think it looks like?
We might come to this conclusion that she's the
rarest female that's colorblind. And all of a
sudden the blues look green to her. Like instead
of automatically saying, no, I'm right, give
the other person a chance and ask questions.
I think that is just one way that you can fight,
fight fair and fight well. So let's shift to
something more personal because no matter how
many books or podcasts we listen to nothing really
prepares us for marriage Like actually being
in it was something you wish you knew about marriage
before you got married Something you had to learn
the hard way or figure out as a couple I'm never
gonna change her but I can change and so I think
if if I would have been if I would have been
told and known Don't go into a marriage trying
to change your partner to fit your agenda rather
How about you focus on yourself to better build
the marriage as a whole? I think that would have
helped me early on because there were just some
things I alluded to earlier with her idea of
processing. It made me so angry because I didn't
know how someone couldn't talk about something
right away. I was trying to change her. Don't
talk about it now. Let's talk now. I want to
talk now. That was very ignorant of me. Long
answer. Make it short. You're never going to
change the person. I would say learning to...
work with two schedules, learning to give each
other time to do the things we enjoy as individuals
because it is very hard working with two scheduling
things around two different schedules. I mean
you have to work together on that and also it's
important, it's important you do things together
but also have your time for your individual time
to do the things your hobbies. I think balancing
that is difficult, but we've learned to balance
it well, I feel like. So kind of bouncing off
of what Cass was just saying, that we would make
time for each other's hobbies, make time for
each other's schedules. But I want to give you
some practical advice on what that looks like.
It blows down to self -control. Bottom line,
no questions asked. Can you have enough self
-control to put your needs aside to take care
of the person that you vowed to? That you would
love and cherish forever to be there together
in sickness and health for richer for poor till
death do you part can you put yourself aside.
To do that kind of wind following Christ he has
this this terminology to die to yourself in marriage
it's the same thing you have to die to yourself
in a new way and so I think just bounce it off
what you were saying cast it. making room for
each other's hobbies in your self -control to
die to yourself. That's why focusing on yourself
is trash advice. Die yourself. So let's talk
about the numbers for a moment. A study by the
University of Michigan found that about 50 %
of marriages end in divorce. That statistic can
feel heavy, but I also think it opens the door
to understanding what really makes a relationship
last. What do you think are some of the biggest
factors that lead to a successful marriage? And
on the other side, what do you think leads to
the... Breakdown of a marriage or we are be getting
premarital counseling our premarital counselor
asked us What what are some scriptures we could
use in your wedding? What are your favorite scriptures?
What do you like man? Everyone talks about having
a Proverbs 31 woman. So everyone talks about
having a Proverbs 31 woman Just talking about,
she opens her arms to the poor, sends her hands
to the needy. She makes linen garments and sells
them. She works hard, supplies the merchants
with sashes. She's clothed with strength and
dignity. She can laugh at the days to come. She
speaks with wisdom. Faithful instruction is on
her tongue. She watches over the affairs of her
household. You keep going on and on. Many women
do noble things, but this Proverbs 31 person
woman surpasses them all. And you keep going,
like Proverbs 31 is all about this woman that
ever wants to marry. But when I told our premarital
counselor, I said, man, that's great. And I hope
she's like that. And I said, I want to marry
a Galatians 522 woman. And a Galatians 522 woman
is this, love, joy, peace, patience, kindness,
goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self
-control. It's the fruit of the spirit. And so
what leads to a healthy marriage? Practicing
the fruit of the spirit. Can you choose love
when it's hard? Can you live in peace when it's
in the midst of chaos? Can you be joyful when
times are hard? Can you be patient when he isn't
giving you what you want? Can you be kind together
to the waitress when they forgot your order for
the third time? Can you be gentle with your kids
when they are driving you up a wall? Can you
be gentle with your spouse? I'm just going to
throw this in there because I am a pastor. Gentleness
is not gender, gender specific. It's gender neutral.
So fellas, listen up. Can you be gentle to your
wife? When things are hard, can can you practice
self -control in the times that man I could keep
going on and on and so Proverbs 31 great But
man, I truly believe that if you marry and become
in Galatians 522 person That will lead to the
success of a healthy marriage. What do you think
honey? I would say we can it goes back to If
we talked about in the beginning with communication
open communication about everything Finances
being a big one, which also leads into that can
be a destruction finances The hard thing but
yeah open communication just about your day your
again finances and How each other's feeling we
can't read each other's minds so I'm just being
open about anything and everything. Yeah, absolutely.
And I can attest to that. When we first got married,
I just remember Cass calling me. Hey, I just
want you to know I just got gas. OK. Thanks for
letting me know. Like it didn't register that
she's not telling me that she just got gas in
her car because some no random reason. That's
just how important communication is to her. She
just wants me to be on the in and to the know
of everything that she's doing Just out of health
out of healthy relationship. And so I've learned
it took me a long time, but I've learned and
still learning How to communicate those things
but you know, it's good and I think man going
on the other side of that What can lead to the
downfall of a marriage? I'm gonna go back to
the analogy I used earlier Not watering the grass.
Just because it's hard. You don't want to turn
the hose on and water your grass. Here's another
analogy that I really like. Cass and I used this
when we premarial counsel people. Marriage is
like getting in a car together for a long road
trip and there is no such thing as taking exits.
You cannot exit. You can stop. You can pull over.
You can invite people to join in the car with
you for help. but you cannot exit and leave.
And it's just a journey, man. You gotta do it
together and work it out together. You know,
sometimes she might go to the back seat because
she's tired of the way that I smell and the way
that I talk or the way that I look or she's getting
tired of this and that and this and that, whatever.
But she's still in the same car and you stay
married and you work on it and you talk it out.
I just think people exit too fast and too soon.
Okay, to get help too and seek other people.
for this because very easy to just you know not
share any struggles with anyone and just keep
it between you two but it's okay to let outside
people in and pour into your marriage that's
super healthy and important um even if you're
not going through anything you know major just
just communicating with someone about marriage
this girl's preaching now get her a mic oh wait
she has one That's all I have to say. These same
couples are prepared for conflict resolution
when they enter marriage. Absolutely not. I don't
think you ever can be. Other than knowing that
it's an OK part of marriage. Know that it happens
and it's OK. Don't quit there and you just learn
and grow and go as you go and so it's OK not
to be ready for it. Because you can't be just
grow with it. So you mentioned something earlier
about outside influences and how it can affect
the marriage What role do outside influences
like family and finances and mental health play
in this? Yeah, you can get some really unhealthy
advice from some people so definitely be wise
about like who you go to and Who you're allowing
to pour into your marriage and I would also suggest
seeking older wiser counsel. Yeah, I think a
big part of that is See, the fact of the matter
is, Cassidy's parents love her more than me.
It's not a bad thing. And so if Cassidy goes
to her parents because she doesn't like the way
that I don't know how to use tools and I don't
know how to build a house and it upsets her and
I'm not good enough at it and she keeps going
to her parents about that, they're going to build
up these question marks about who I am. If we
have a fallout in our marriage and I go to my
parents, who are my parents going to side with?
Me. They raised me for 28 years now, almost 29.
And so that's not a bad thing. It's knowing who's
pouring into your marriage. And so we made it
a point early on. We're not going to go to our
parents with our struggles. Not that we don't
have them. We're going to go to outside influences
that are close to us. They're our friends, but
they're going to tell us not necessarily what
we want to hear. They're going to tell us the
truth. Cole, you were in the wrong. Or how could
you say that? Because I love you and I want you
to get better. Cassidy, I don't think you should
have said that. So let's go back to the love
story, narrative for a moment. In so many movies
and books, the story ends with the wedding. Marriage
is the final destination, the happy ending. But
in real life, that's just the beginning of a
very real, evolving journey. Why do you think
marriage is portrayed as the ultimate goal? in
so many stories. No matter who you are, no matter
how introverted, extroverted, atheist, agnostic,
believer in Jesus or Buddhist, it doesn't matter
what your background is. You are wired for community.
You are wired to be with somebody. And lastly,
you are wired to be known deeply. And in marriage,
that's what happens. You create this bond emotionally.
You create the bond physically, intimately, spiritually.
You just create such a strong bond that you're
known so intimately and everybody desires that.
I got the biggest introvert shaking their head
no at me thinking I have no clue what I'm talking
about. Do the studies. Do the psychological studies.
We are wired to be known deeply and so I think
and I know that That's why marriage is so heightened,
so escalated. And when we turn to 1 Corinthians
chapter 7, Paul tells us that not everyone's
to be married and not everyone wants to hear
that. I have said that to many single people
and they get upset, but I want somebody. I know
you do, but that might not be God's plan for
you. And it's so hard to want to accept that
because we want to be known deeply. And so let's
cross a different border here. If we're supposed
to be known so deeply, then why is marriage not
in the cards for everybody on earth? Because
you could be known deeply without marriage. I
got some best friends that know everything about
me. Cassidy has some best friends that know everything
about her. And so you can be known deeply without
being in a marriage. And so in my mind, psychologically
and... Just looking at the world, I believe that's
why marriage is so seen as the end goal, so heightened
and so put on a pedestal, if you will. So how
about those who choose not to get married? Do
you think this narrative impacts them? What would
their definition of the ultimate goal be? They
were called in Matthew 28 to go and make disciples
of all nations. We are to baptize them in the
name of the Father, Son, and Holy Spirit. And
we are to obey the laws of Jesus Christ. And
so I think that right there is every single person
on earth. main end goal. If you're not going
and making disciples of all nations, and if you're
not baptizing people in the name of the Father,
Son, and Holy Spirit, and if you're not obeying
the laws of Jesus Christ, then you're missing
your end goal. And you're creating your own end
goal that when you don't make it, there's this
expectation of yourself and then we have low
self -esteem because we don't make it. The end
goal has already been set for us. The prize has
already been set for us. It's all right there
before us. We just have to do it. And so what
Paul is saying in 1 Corinthians chapter 7 is,
uh when we if we were not called to be married
what it means is that you can do god's work that
you can bring the kingdom of heaven here on earth
better than you could marry full transparency
if i was a single guy i would not be good at
spreading the gospel um i grew up with with lustful
eyes i grew up with a lustful mind and if i didn't
have someone like cassidy to help to help hold
me accountable i could be preaching the gospel
yes but I'd be going back home and closed doors
and those thoughts would creep in my mind. But
because I have Cassidy to hold me accountable,
that's why I believe wholeheartedly that's why
God gave me a counterpart. He gave me Cassidy
from the beginning because to do the gospel,
to spread the gospel on my own as a single human
being, I don't think I would have been as successful
as I am spreading the gospel with Cassidy by
my side. And so the whole end goal, Wow, that
was so good. If you're listening and finding
pieces of your own story in what we've shared
today, whether it's moments of joy, confusion,
heartbreak, or growth, know this, you're not
alone. Love is really simple, and the path through
isn't a one -size -fits -all. Maybe you're just
starting to explore what love means to you. Maybe
you're healing from something that didn't turn
out the way you hoped. Or maybe you're in the
quiet work of deepening a long -term relationship.
Wherever you are, your experiences are valid.
Your questions are welcome, and your journey
matters more than any perfect story ever could.
I just wanted to give a huge thank you to Cole
and Cassidy for sitting down and chatting for
a bit. If this episode spoke to you, please share
it with a friend. Leave a review or tag us on
social media. Until next time, keep seeking those
fresh perspectives and keep having those unfiltered
conversations to better understand the world
around us.