WEBVTT 00:00:15.779 --> 00:00:18.739 Hey everyone, my name is Austin and welcome back 00:00:18.739 --> 00:00:21.059 to another episode of the Unfiltered Faith podcast. 00:00:21.339 --> 00:00:23.600 If this is your first time tuning in, I'm so 00:00:23.600 --> 00:00:25.500 glad you're here. And if you've been here before, 00:00:25.600 --> 00:00:28.500 welcome back. This one's for the romantics, the 00:00:28.500 --> 00:00:30.940 skeptics, and everyone in between. We're talking 00:00:30.940 --> 00:00:33.579 about how the stories we see on screen in books 00:00:33.579 --> 00:00:36.020 and social media shape the way we view romance 00:00:36.020 --> 00:00:39.079 and marriage. From fairy tales to filters, we're 00:00:39.079 --> 00:00:41.439 constantly being shown a version of love that 00:00:41.439 --> 00:00:44.159 may or may not hold up in real life. And today 00:00:44.159 --> 00:00:46.770 we're digging into that. what's fantasy, what's 00:00:46.770 --> 00:00:48.869 truth, and what we wish we knew before stepping 00:00:48.869 --> 00:00:53.310 into long -term love. Whether you're single, 00:00:53.549 --> 00:00:57.090 married, somewhere in between, or even reconsidering 00:00:57.090 --> 00:00:59.090 what love means to you, there's something here 00:00:59.090 --> 00:01:02.530 for you. But before we jump into today's conversation, 00:01:02.609 --> 00:01:04.609 I've invited two really awesome friends of mine 00:01:04.609 --> 00:01:07.209 for this episode. They bring not only personal 00:01:07.209 --> 00:01:09.870 insight, but also a little lived experience that 00:01:09.870 --> 00:01:12.689 I think a lot of you will connect with. So I'll 00:01:12.689 --> 00:01:14.769 let them introduce themselves and how they met. 00:01:14.989 --> 00:01:17.689 and then we'll dive into our discussion today. 00:01:18.030 --> 00:01:21.409 Hey y 'all, super excited to be here and Austin, 00:01:21.450 --> 00:01:24.450 thank you for inviting us and having us on this 00:01:24.450 --> 00:01:27.450 podcast with you man. So my name is Cole and 00:01:27.450 --> 00:01:30.950 I have my lovely bride with me, Cassidy. The 00:01:30.950 --> 00:01:33.950 reason that I'm able to do most anything outside 00:01:33.950 --> 00:01:37.849 of Jesus and God making it possible in the practical 00:01:37.849 --> 00:01:41.510 world, she's a rock star. I call her Superwoman 00:01:41.510 --> 00:01:43.980 all the time. The other question you wanted us 00:01:43.980 --> 00:01:45.859 to share just a little bit about how we met and 00:01:45.859 --> 00:01:48.540 what that looked like. I am going to, I'm going 00:01:48.540 --> 00:01:51.459 to let Cassidy share that story. It's funny you 00:01:51.459 --> 00:01:55.459 ask because we kind of, we disagree on how we 00:01:55.459 --> 00:01:58.099 met, but she's always right. So hear her side 00:01:58.099 --> 00:02:01.140 of it. Well, we met through mutual friends back 00:02:01.140 --> 00:02:03.459 in high school while I was still in high school. 00:02:03.659 --> 00:02:07.760 Just graduated and you're in college. Our friend 00:02:07.760 --> 00:02:12.620 groups went bowling. Or do I think it's kayaking? 00:02:14.439 --> 00:02:18.659 One of the two. For the record, my story is bowling. 00:02:18.819 --> 00:02:22.580 So it looks like she agrees with me. Maybe I 00:02:22.580 --> 00:02:27.379 do. We weren't either bowling or kayaking. And 00:02:27.379 --> 00:02:30.639 at the time we were seeing other people and just, 00:02:31.199 --> 00:02:34.560 it wasn't a thing. Couple years later, probably 00:02:34.560 --> 00:02:39.500 about five years later. He posted some inspirational 00:02:39.500 --> 00:02:42.879 videos on Instagram. It was during the time of 00:02:42.879 --> 00:02:45.099 COVID, so it was already a really hard time. 00:02:45.439 --> 00:02:49.780 And so I had just responded to one. That was 00:02:49.780 --> 00:02:52.280 the kind way of saying it. She slid into my DMs. 00:02:52.300 --> 00:02:58.060 No big deal. I had responded to one. And then 00:02:58.060 --> 00:03:01.280 from there, we just kept talking. And the rest 00:03:01.280 --> 00:03:04.360 is history. Man, I love that. It's always so 00:03:04.360 --> 00:03:06.569 fascinating here. How different. people's love 00:03:06.569 --> 00:03:09.270 stories begin. Some are sweet and slow, some 00:03:09.270 --> 00:03:12.669 are unexpected. So we grow up being told stories. 00:03:12.849 --> 00:03:15.490 Some are told in books, some in Disney movies, 00:03:15.490 --> 00:03:18.569 and before we know it, we start to build a blueprint 00:03:18.569 --> 00:03:21.110 of what love is supposed to look like. In your 00:03:21.110 --> 00:03:24.229 view, how have movies, books, and social media 00:03:24.229 --> 00:03:26.349 shaped our perception of romance and marriage? 00:03:27.050 --> 00:03:30.810 I would say they almost have, and this is not 00:03:30.810 --> 00:03:33.229 statistical. I didn't do any research on this. 00:03:33.250 --> 00:03:36.180 I would say this is just from my own personal 00:03:36.180 --> 00:03:39.740 view and thought I would say all of those sources 00:03:39.740 --> 00:03:45.900 have combined to affect marriages and romance 00:03:45.900 --> 00:03:49.979 in the modern world I would say nine and I know 00:03:49.979 --> 00:03:53.139 that's super high but I mean the only movies 00:03:53.139 --> 00:03:55.439 that cast and I not only movies because every 00:03:55.439 --> 00:03:57.900 now and then she'll bite the bullet and she'll 00:03:57.900 --> 00:04:00.199 literally she'll watch an action movie with me 00:04:00.199 --> 00:04:01.620 not literally but pun intended you know what 00:04:01.620 --> 00:04:03.719 I'm saying and she'll watch an action movie with 00:04:03.719 --> 00:04:06.500 me, but for the most part, we watch the rom -coms. 00:04:06.520 --> 00:04:09.699 And they're all the same storyline. Two people 00:04:09.699 --> 00:04:12.599 fall in love, they break up, and they get back 00:04:12.599 --> 00:04:16.339 together. And it's just very vague. But when 00:04:16.339 --> 00:04:18.959 you're looking at the world and you're watching 00:04:18.959 --> 00:04:22.300 how people interact when it comes to dating and 00:04:22.300 --> 00:04:25.120 marriage and it comes to seeking out, finding 00:04:25.120 --> 00:04:27.959 somebody. I mean, I remember when dating apps 00:04:27.959 --> 00:04:31.120 got really big. I've seen multiple movies that 00:04:31.120 --> 00:04:35.060 now have dating apps as the main source of creating 00:04:35.060 --> 00:04:38.500 a relationship. And please hear me, I'm not saying 00:04:38.500 --> 00:04:42.959 dating apps are even bad. However, when we are 00:04:42.959 --> 00:04:47.620 then influenced, now we throw in music, and we 00:04:47.620 --> 00:04:49.980 throw in movies with one night stands, and we 00:04:49.980 --> 00:04:53.680 throw in music like things that are all sexual. 00:04:54.189 --> 00:04:57.829 What we see is that just takes over our mind 00:04:57.829 --> 00:05:00.610 subconsciously. And then we go to Tinder and 00:05:00.610 --> 00:05:02.670 Tinder is no longer a dating app. It's a hookup 00:05:02.670 --> 00:05:07.069 app. And so, dude, I just think all in all, again, 00:05:07.110 --> 00:05:09.550 not statistical. I'm not saying I know it all. 00:05:09.829 --> 00:05:12.970 I didn't do the research, but personally, I think 00:05:12.970 --> 00:05:16.790 it affects 90 percent of all relationships. I 00:05:16.790 --> 00:05:18.730 mean, heck, you just heard from Cassidy where 00:05:18.730 --> 00:05:21.430 we met mutual friends. Yes. But then how did 00:05:21.430 --> 00:05:24.540 the initial dating conversation start? all through 00:05:24.540 --> 00:05:28.319 Instagram, social media. And I just think if 00:05:28.319 --> 00:05:31.560 you're not careful to let God, to let the Holy 00:05:31.560 --> 00:05:34.800 Spirit kind of guide those through watching movies, 00:05:35.000 --> 00:05:36.639 then I say it just, what's the word I'm looking 00:05:36.639 --> 00:05:40.060 for? Inevitable, that it shapes your relationship. 00:05:40.240 --> 00:05:44.300 I think kind of from the opposite side of like 00:05:44.300 --> 00:05:47.819 Hallmark movies and just like the perfect love 00:05:47.819 --> 00:05:51.560 story. I like watching those anyways, so I think 00:05:51.560 --> 00:05:53.569 we kind of paint them. It's not a fake picture, 00:05:53.670 --> 00:05:57.250 because there are lots of hallmark moments in 00:05:57.250 --> 00:05:59.910 marriage and stuff, and it's good, but it doesn't 00:05:59.910 --> 00:06:03.529 show the tough stuff. Have you ever caught yourself 00:06:03.529 --> 00:06:05.529 comparing your relationship to something from 00:06:05.529 --> 00:06:09.389 a movie or a social media post? I would say previously, 00:06:09.689 --> 00:06:12.930 before Cassidy, yes. Previous relationships. 00:06:13.550 --> 00:06:17.050 But with my wife, no. We made it a point early. 00:06:17.129 --> 00:06:21.430 Center our relationship on Jesus and not what... 00:06:22.000 --> 00:06:24.100 Social media and movies say and now don't get 00:06:24.100 --> 00:06:26.139 me wrong. There's times where we see some things 00:06:26.139 --> 00:06:27.779 in movies and we're like, oh, that'd be really 00:06:27.779 --> 00:06:32.639 cool Hey, that'd be really fun or That's not 00:06:32.639 --> 00:06:35.120 realistic. That's not how people fight or whatever 00:06:35.120 --> 00:06:38.319 it may be but for the most part man the grass 00:06:38.319 --> 00:06:39.899 isn't greener on the other side it's greener 00:06:39.899 --> 00:06:42.240 where you water it and so Cassidy and I just 00:06:42.240 --> 00:06:44.160 made a vow to each other that we're gonna water 00:06:44.160 --> 00:06:46.800 our own grass and We're gonna watch it grow and 00:06:46.800 --> 00:06:48.939 we're gonna trim it and we're gonna keep with 00:06:48.939 --> 00:06:51.829 it So once we've absorbed all of those love story 00:06:51.829 --> 00:06:55.110 blueprints, we start to carry them into real 00:06:55.110 --> 00:06:57.230 relationships, and sometimes that's where the 00:06:57.230 --> 00:07:00.029 friction starts. What are some of the key differences 00:07:00.029 --> 00:07:02.230 you've noticed between the romantic fantasy and 00:07:02.230 --> 00:07:04.629 the real experiences of love and marriage? You 00:07:04.629 --> 00:07:07.910 got anything? Yeah. Man, some key differences 00:07:07.910 --> 00:07:11.569 between romantic fantasies and realistic marriages, 00:07:11.569 --> 00:07:16.250 I think... Man, that's a deep question. That's 00:07:16.250 --> 00:07:17.730 a good question. Let me think about that for 00:07:17.730 --> 00:07:20.439 a second. some differences we see a lot of times 00:07:20.439 --> 00:07:22.860 in the movies the guy will just get in his car 00:07:22.860 --> 00:07:26.139 and leave or girl one side just leaves leaves 00:07:26.139 --> 00:07:29.579 the conversation things get hard and all of a 00:07:29.579 --> 00:07:33.079 sudden it's game over man I saw this quote marriage 00:07:33.079 --> 00:07:35.879 is hard divorce is hard choose your heart what 00:07:35.879 --> 00:07:38.220 heart what heart are you gonna go with and I 00:07:38.220 --> 00:07:42.519 know for a fact that marriage has a greater dividend 00:07:42.519 --> 00:07:46.660 in all aspects of her life and so I think in 00:07:46.720 --> 00:07:49.560 What difference have I seen in comparing and 00:07:49.560 --> 00:07:51.800 contrasting? And when things get hard, we can't 00:07:51.800 --> 00:07:54.180 just leave. We can't just say, all right, see 00:07:54.180 --> 00:07:56.279 you next time. Let's sit and talk about it. And 00:07:56.279 --> 00:07:59.040 I'll share on our behalf, actually. Cassidy is 00:07:59.040 --> 00:08:02.620 a processor. I am a speak now in the moment kind 00:08:02.620 --> 00:08:05.319 of person. And so something that we've had to 00:08:05.319 --> 00:08:08.800 work on is this idea behind she needs some time 00:08:08.800 --> 00:08:11.519 to think. I can't just bring something on her. 00:08:11.560 --> 00:08:14.209 Some of my feelings. and expect her to have a 00:08:14.209 --> 00:08:16.250 response right away. There's a period that she 00:08:16.250 --> 00:08:18.970 needs to think. That's not time for her to get 00:08:18.970 --> 00:08:22.050 in the car and leave. It's not time for me to 00:08:22.050 --> 00:08:24.350 walk away in anger because she's not answering 00:08:24.350 --> 00:08:27.490 me right away. It's time for her to sit and process. 00:08:28.089 --> 00:08:30.649 And it's time for me to understand that she needs 00:08:30.649 --> 00:08:33.870 time to process. So I would say that's one difference, 00:08:34.029 --> 00:08:36.809 which, granted, movies don't have the time to 00:08:36.809 --> 00:08:38.490 do that, right? Because they have a time frame 00:08:38.490 --> 00:08:40.769 they have to stick with. But I think there's 00:08:40.769 --> 00:08:43.879 a better way to depict it that Not to just leave 00:08:43.879 --> 00:08:48.080 when things get hard. What's your thoughts? What 00:08:48.080 --> 00:08:51.320 do you think? You know, it's easy to get up in 00:08:51.320 --> 00:08:56.399 the car and like the movies show that. So I would 00:08:56.399 --> 00:09:00.419 say, well, we need more movies showing good communication 00:09:00.419 --> 00:09:05.059 and healthy arguing, I think. How to healthily 00:09:05.059 --> 00:09:07.669 communicate. Especially in front of your kids 00:09:07.669 --> 00:09:09.250 and then I want to build off what you just said 00:09:09.250 --> 00:09:12.009 again, but I think I like the term I think Francis 00:09:12.009 --> 00:09:13.889 Chan says I'm sure other people say it too, but 00:09:13.889 --> 00:09:16.429 to fight Well, there's a way there's a way to 00:09:16.429 --> 00:09:18.809 fight Well, and and like you're saying in front 00:09:18.809 --> 00:09:21.549 of your kids like they need to see how to healthily 00:09:21.549 --> 00:09:25.509 handle arguments Because no two people are perfect 00:09:25.509 --> 00:09:29.769 in a marriage Something's gonna come up. How 00:09:29.769 --> 00:09:31.750 do you handle it? So you brought up a really 00:09:31.750 --> 00:09:33.850 good point about healthy arguing. What would 00:09:33.850 --> 00:09:37.139 you say that looks like? Yeah, I love that question. 00:09:38.419 --> 00:09:40.600 Man, I think healthy arguing is understanding 00:09:40.600 --> 00:09:45.600 you are there for the other person. If both people 00:09:45.600 --> 00:09:47.940 in the conversation understand that you're for 00:09:47.940 --> 00:09:50.799 the other person, no person is right, but they're 00:09:50.799 --> 00:09:52.759 not wrong either. I think you just understand 00:09:52.759 --> 00:09:56.840 that everyone has a different perspective. For 00:09:56.840 --> 00:10:01.059 example, if Cassidy and I disagree on something, 00:10:01.200 --> 00:10:03.649 whatever it is. Fill in the blank, make up a 00:10:03.649 --> 00:10:05.409 scenario that you want to right now, whoever's 00:10:05.409 --> 00:10:07.690 listening, make something up. But if I ever come 00:10:07.690 --> 00:10:11.909 at it, that I am 100 % right, and don't give 00:10:11.909 --> 00:10:14.690 her a chance to give the perspective, that is 00:10:14.690 --> 00:10:17.289 not fair, and that is not fair fighting. If Cassidy 00:10:17.289 --> 00:10:19.970 comes to me and tells me that the sky is green, 00:10:20.590 --> 00:10:23.389 and I sit there and argue with her that no, it's 00:10:23.389 --> 00:10:26.629 blue, I've already lost. Rather than telling 00:10:26.629 --> 00:10:29.190 her it's blue, if she really thinks it's green, 00:10:29.210 --> 00:10:32.090 I'm never gonna win. But if I start asking her 00:10:32.090 --> 00:10:34.269 questions, well, why do you think it's green? 00:10:35.049 --> 00:10:36.809 What shade of green do you think it looks like? 00:10:37.289 --> 00:10:39.909 We might come to this conclusion that she's the 00:10:39.909 --> 00:10:42.590 rarest female that's colorblind. And all of a 00:10:42.590 --> 00:10:44.909 sudden the blues look green to her. Like instead 00:10:44.909 --> 00:10:47.450 of automatically saying, no, I'm right, give 00:10:47.450 --> 00:10:49.289 the other person a chance and ask questions. 00:10:49.590 --> 00:10:52.629 I think that is just one way that you can fight, 00:10:52.629 --> 00:10:55.419 fight fair and fight well. So let's shift to 00:10:55.419 --> 00:10:57.460 something more personal because no matter how 00:10:57.460 --> 00:11:00.620 many books or podcasts we listen to nothing really 00:11:00.620 --> 00:11:02.659 prepares us for marriage Like actually being 00:11:02.659 --> 00:11:05.080 in it was something you wish you knew about marriage 00:11:05.080 --> 00:11:07.379 before you got married Something you had to learn 00:11:07.379 --> 00:11:10.360 the hard way or figure out as a couple I'm never 00:11:10.360 --> 00:11:13.799 gonna change her but I can change and so I think 00:11:13.799 --> 00:11:15.860 if if I would have been if I would have been 00:11:15.860 --> 00:11:18.539 told and known Don't go into a marriage trying 00:11:18.539 --> 00:11:21.600 to change your partner to fit your agenda rather 00:11:22.439 --> 00:11:25.500 How about you focus on yourself to better build 00:11:25.500 --> 00:11:28.080 the marriage as a whole? I think that would have 00:11:28.080 --> 00:11:29.940 helped me early on because there were just some 00:11:29.940 --> 00:11:33.399 things I alluded to earlier with her idea of 00:11:33.399 --> 00:11:36.220 processing. It made me so angry because I didn't 00:11:36.220 --> 00:11:39.220 know how someone couldn't talk about something 00:11:39.220 --> 00:11:40.919 right away. I was trying to change her. Don't 00:11:40.919 --> 00:11:42.559 talk about it now. Let's talk now. I want to 00:11:42.559 --> 00:11:45.120 talk now. That was very ignorant of me. Long 00:11:45.120 --> 00:11:47.659 answer. Make it short. You're never going to 00:11:47.659 --> 00:11:51.320 change the person. I would say learning to... 00:11:51.580 --> 00:11:55.580 work with two schedules, learning to give each 00:11:55.580 --> 00:12:00.259 other time to do the things we enjoy as individuals 00:12:00.259 --> 00:12:05.100 because it is very hard working with two scheduling 00:12:05.100 --> 00:12:07.840 things around two different schedules. I mean 00:12:07.840 --> 00:12:10.779 you have to work together on that and also it's 00:12:10.779 --> 00:12:13.759 important, it's important you do things together 00:12:13.759 --> 00:12:18.340 but also have your time for your individual time 00:12:18.340 --> 00:12:21.909 to do the things your hobbies. I think balancing 00:12:21.909 --> 00:12:25.809 that is difficult, but we've learned to balance 00:12:25.809 --> 00:12:28.629 it well, I feel like. So kind of bouncing off 00:12:28.629 --> 00:12:31.029 of what Cass was just saying, that we would make 00:12:31.029 --> 00:12:33.330 time for each other's hobbies, make time for 00:12:33.330 --> 00:12:35.009 each other's schedules. But I want to give you 00:12:35.009 --> 00:12:36.889 some practical advice on what that looks like. 00:12:36.909 --> 00:12:39.190 It blows down to self -control. Bottom line, 00:12:39.570 --> 00:12:43.570 no questions asked. Can you have enough self 00:12:43.570 --> 00:12:47.710 -control to put your needs aside to take care 00:12:47.710 --> 00:12:51.200 of the person that you vowed to? That you would 00:12:51.200 --> 00:12:54.159 love and cherish forever to be there together 00:12:54.159 --> 00:12:56.320 in sickness and health for richer for poor till 00:12:56.320 --> 00:12:59.539 death do you part can you put yourself aside. 00:13:00.340 --> 00:13:04.019 To do that kind of wind following Christ he has 00:13:04.019 --> 00:13:07.139 this this terminology to die to yourself in marriage 00:13:07.139 --> 00:13:09.519 it's the same thing you have to die to yourself 00:13:09.519 --> 00:13:11.200 in a new way and so I think just bounce it off 00:13:11.200 --> 00:13:13.429 what you were saying cast it. making room for 00:13:13.429 --> 00:13:15.409 each other's hobbies in your self -control to 00:13:15.409 --> 00:13:17.470 die to yourself. That's why focusing on yourself 00:13:17.470 --> 00:13:21.370 is trash advice. Die yourself. So let's talk 00:13:21.370 --> 00:13:23.610 about the numbers for a moment. A study by the 00:13:23.610 --> 00:13:26.129 University of Michigan found that about 50 % 00:13:26.129 --> 00:13:28.990 of marriages end in divorce. That statistic can 00:13:28.990 --> 00:13:31.590 feel heavy, but I also think it opens the door 00:13:31.590 --> 00:13:34.070 to understanding what really makes a relationship 00:13:34.070 --> 00:13:36.490 last. What do you think are some of the biggest 00:13:36.490 --> 00:13:39.330 factors that lead to a successful marriage? And 00:13:39.330 --> 00:13:41.590 on the other side, what do you think leads to 00:13:41.590 --> 00:13:44.580 the... Breakdown of a marriage or we are be getting 00:13:44.580 --> 00:13:46.919 premarital counseling our premarital counselor 00:13:46.919 --> 00:13:49.759 asked us What what are some scriptures we could 00:13:49.759 --> 00:13:51.379 use in your wedding? What are your favorite scriptures? 00:13:51.440 --> 00:13:54.299 What do you like man? Everyone talks about having 00:13:54.299 --> 00:13:57.659 a Proverbs 31 woman. So everyone talks about 00:13:57.659 --> 00:14:01.299 having a Proverbs 31 woman Just talking about, 00:14:01.299 --> 00:14:04.240 she opens her arms to the poor, sends her hands 00:14:04.240 --> 00:14:07.279 to the needy. She makes linen garments and sells 00:14:07.279 --> 00:14:09.840 them. She works hard, supplies the merchants 00:14:09.840 --> 00:14:12.679 with sashes. She's clothed with strength and 00:14:12.679 --> 00:14:14.679 dignity. She can laugh at the days to come. She 00:14:14.679 --> 00:14:17.100 speaks with wisdom. Faithful instruction is on 00:14:17.100 --> 00:14:18.940 her tongue. She watches over the affairs of her 00:14:18.940 --> 00:14:22.120 household. You keep going on and on. Many women 00:14:22.120 --> 00:14:25.799 do noble things, but this Proverbs 31 person 00:14:25.799 --> 00:14:29.789 woman surpasses them all. And you keep going, 00:14:29.970 --> 00:14:31.669 like Proverbs 31 is all about this woman that 00:14:31.669 --> 00:14:35.610 ever wants to marry. But when I told our premarital 00:14:35.610 --> 00:14:39.389 counselor, I said, man, that's great. And I hope 00:14:39.389 --> 00:14:41.710 she's like that. And I said, I want to marry 00:14:41.710 --> 00:14:44.690 a Galatians 522 woman. And a Galatians 522 woman 00:14:44.690 --> 00:14:47.230 is this, love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, 00:14:47.409 --> 00:14:49.649 goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self 00:14:49.649 --> 00:14:52.769 -control. It's the fruit of the spirit. And so 00:14:52.769 --> 00:14:54.710 what leads to a healthy marriage? Practicing 00:14:54.710 --> 00:14:57.330 the fruit of the spirit. Can you choose love 00:14:57.330 --> 00:15:00.049 when it's hard? Can you live in peace when it's 00:15:00.049 --> 00:15:02.090 in the midst of chaos? Can you be joyful when 00:15:02.090 --> 00:15:05.149 times are hard? Can you be patient when he isn't 00:15:05.149 --> 00:15:08.570 giving you what you want? Can you be kind together 00:15:08.570 --> 00:15:11.330 to the waitress when they forgot your order for 00:15:11.330 --> 00:15:14.190 the third time? Can you be gentle with your kids 00:15:14.190 --> 00:15:16.629 when they are driving you up a wall? Can you 00:15:16.629 --> 00:15:18.950 be gentle with your spouse? I'm just going to 00:15:18.950 --> 00:15:21.210 throw this in there because I am a pastor. Gentleness 00:15:21.210 --> 00:15:24.470 is not gender, gender specific. It's gender neutral. 00:15:24.710 --> 00:15:27.230 So fellas, listen up. Can you be gentle to your 00:15:27.230 --> 00:15:31.580 wife? When things are hard, can can you practice 00:15:31.580 --> 00:15:34.980 self -control in the times that man I could keep 00:15:34.980 --> 00:15:39.720 going on and on and so Proverbs 31 great But 00:15:39.720 --> 00:15:44.879 man, I truly believe that if you marry and become 00:15:44.879 --> 00:15:49.100 in Galatians 522 person That will lead to the 00:15:49.100 --> 00:15:51.840 success of a healthy marriage. What do you think 00:15:51.840 --> 00:15:56.769 honey? I would say we can it goes back to If 00:15:56.769 --> 00:15:58.710 we talked about in the beginning with communication 00:15:58.710 --> 00:16:03.509 open communication about everything Finances 00:16:03.509 --> 00:16:06.710 being a big one, which also leads into that can 00:16:06.710 --> 00:16:11.850 be a destruction finances The hard thing but 00:16:11.850 --> 00:16:16.269 yeah open communication just about your day your 00:16:16.269 --> 00:16:22.730 again finances and How each other's feeling we 00:16:22.730 --> 00:16:25.549 can't read each other's minds so I'm just being 00:16:25.549 --> 00:16:29.629 open about anything and everything. Yeah, absolutely. 00:16:30.429 --> 00:16:33.370 And I can attest to that. When we first got married, 00:16:33.649 --> 00:16:35.750 I just remember Cass calling me. Hey, I just 00:16:35.750 --> 00:16:38.950 want you to know I just got gas. OK. Thanks for 00:16:38.950 --> 00:16:41.789 letting me know. Like it didn't register that 00:16:41.789 --> 00:16:44.669 she's not telling me that she just got gas in 00:16:44.669 --> 00:16:48.789 her car because some no random reason. That's 00:16:48.789 --> 00:16:51.710 just how important communication is to her. She 00:16:51.710 --> 00:16:54.830 just wants me to be on the in and to the know 00:16:54.830 --> 00:16:58.370 of everything that she's doing Just out of health 00:16:58.370 --> 00:17:00.929 out of healthy relationship. And so I've learned 00:17:00.929 --> 00:17:04.190 it took me a long time, but I've learned and 00:17:04.190 --> 00:17:07.369 still learning How to communicate those things 00:17:07.369 --> 00:17:09.910 but you know, it's good and I think man going 00:17:09.910 --> 00:17:13.630 on the other side of that What can lead to the 00:17:13.630 --> 00:17:15.849 downfall of a marriage? I'm gonna go back to 00:17:15.849 --> 00:17:20.150 the analogy I used earlier Not watering the grass. 00:17:20.470 --> 00:17:23.289 Just because it's hard. You don't want to turn 00:17:23.289 --> 00:17:27.809 the hose on and water your grass. Here's another 00:17:27.809 --> 00:17:29.670 analogy that I really like. Cass and I used this 00:17:29.670 --> 00:17:31.829 when we premarial counsel people. Marriage is 00:17:31.829 --> 00:17:34.390 like getting in a car together for a long road 00:17:34.390 --> 00:17:37.309 trip and there is no such thing as taking exits. 00:17:37.549 --> 00:17:40.910 You cannot exit. You can stop. You can pull over. 00:17:41.349 --> 00:17:43.849 You can invite people to join in the car with 00:17:43.849 --> 00:17:47.079 you for help. but you cannot exit and leave. 00:17:47.400 --> 00:17:49.539 And it's just a journey, man. You gotta do it 00:17:49.539 --> 00:17:51.740 together and work it out together. You know, 00:17:51.740 --> 00:17:53.859 sometimes she might go to the back seat because 00:17:53.859 --> 00:17:56.000 she's tired of the way that I smell and the way 00:17:56.000 --> 00:17:59.559 that I talk or the way that I look or she's getting 00:17:59.559 --> 00:18:01.720 tired of this and that and this and that, whatever. 00:18:02.380 --> 00:18:04.720 But she's still in the same car and you stay 00:18:04.720 --> 00:18:07.240 married and you work on it and you talk it out. 00:18:07.880 --> 00:18:09.960 I just think people exit too fast and too soon. 00:18:10.200 --> 00:18:13.599 Okay, to get help too and seek other people. 00:18:13.900 --> 00:18:17.940 for this because very easy to just you know not 00:18:17.940 --> 00:18:20.059 share any struggles with anyone and just keep 00:18:20.059 --> 00:18:23.420 it between you two but it's okay to let outside 00:18:23.420 --> 00:18:26.059 people in and pour into your marriage that's 00:18:26.059 --> 00:18:30.099 super healthy and important um even if you're 00:18:30.099 --> 00:18:32.440 not going through anything you know major just 00:18:32.440 --> 00:18:35.079 just communicating with someone about marriage 00:18:35.079 --> 00:18:38.680 this girl's preaching now get her a mic oh wait 00:18:38.680 --> 00:18:45.250 she has one That's all I have to say. These same 00:18:45.250 --> 00:18:47.390 couples are prepared for conflict resolution 00:18:47.390 --> 00:18:49.670 when they enter marriage. Absolutely not. I don't 00:18:49.670 --> 00:18:54.089 think you ever can be. Other than knowing that 00:18:54.089 --> 00:18:57.289 it's an OK part of marriage. Know that it happens 00:18:57.289 --> 00:19:00.730 and it's OK. Don't quit there and you just learn 00:19:00.730 --> 00:19:05.390 and grow and go as you go and so it's OK not 00:19:05.390 --> 00:19:08.650 to be ready for it. Because you can't be just 00:19:08.650 --> 00:19:11.339 grow with it. So you mentioned something earlier 00:19:11.339 --> 00:19:13.799 about outside influences and how it can affect 00:19:13.799 --> 00:19:16.019 the marriage What role do outside influences 00:19:16.019 --> 00:19:18.740 like family and finances and mental health play 00:19:18.740 --> 00:19:21.859 in this? Yeah, you can get some really unhealthy 00:19:21.859 --> 00:19:25.460 advice from some people so definitely be wise 00:19:25.460 --> 00:19:29.279 about like who you go to and Who you're allowing 00:19:29.279 --> 00:19:31.960 to pour into your marriage and I would also suggest 00:19:31.960 --> 00:19:37.180 seeking older wiser counsel. Yeah, I think a 00:19:37.180 --> 00:19:40.890 big part of that is See, the fact of the matter 00:19:40.890 --> 00:19:43.769 is, Cassidy's parents love her more than me. 00:19:44.470 --> 00:19:47.509 It's not a bad thing. And so if Cassidy goes 00:19:47.509 --> 00:19:51.450 to her parents because she doesn't like the way 00:19:51.450 --> 00:19:54.430 that I don't know how to use tools and I don't 00:19:54.430 --> 00:19:57.809 know how to build a house and it upsets her and 00:19:57.809 --> 00:19:59.690 I'm not good enough at it and she keeps going 00:19:59.690 --> 00:20:01.430 to her parents about that, they're going to build 00:20:01.430 --> 00:20:04.309 up these question marks about who I am. If we 00:20:04.309 --> 00:20:06.390 have a fallout in our marriage and I go to my 00:20:06.390 --> 00:20:08.049 parents, who are my parents going to side with? 00:20:08.710 --> 00:20:12.549 Me. They raised me for 28 years now, almost 29. 00:20:12.710 --> 00:20:16.049 And so that's not a bad thing. It's knowing who's 00:20:16.049 --> 00:20:18.369 pouring into your marriage. And so we made it 00:20:18.369 --> 00:20:20.250 a point early on. We're not going to go to our 00:20:20.250 --> 00:20:22.250 parents with our struggles. Not that we don't 00:20:22.250 --> 00:20:24.450 have them. We're going to go to outside influences 00:20:24.450 --> 00:20:27.769 that are close to us. They're our friends, but 00:20:27.769 --> 00:20:29.750 they're going to tell us not necessarily what 00:20:29.750 --> 00:20:32.150 we want to hear. They're going to tell us the 00:20:32.150 --> 00:20:34.490 truth. Cole, you were in the wrong. Or how could 00:20:34.490 --> 00:20:36.089 you say that? Because I love you and I want you 00:20:36.089 --> 00:20:37.849 to get better. Cassidy, I don't think you should 00:20:37.849 --> 00:20:51.480 have said that. So let's go back to the love 00:20:51.480 --> 00:20:54.660 story, narrative for a moment. In so many movies 00:20:54.660 --> 00:20:57.220 and books, the story ends with the wedding. Marriage 00:20:57.220 --> 00:21:00.000 is the final destination, the happy ending. But 00:21:00.000 --> 00:21:01.920 in real life, that's just the beginning of a 00:21:01.920 --> 00:21:04.859 very real, evolving journey. Why do you think 00:21:04.859 --> 00:21:07.299 marriage is portrayed as the ultimate goal? in 00:21:07.299 --> 00:21:10.160 so many stories. No matter who you are, no matter 00:21:10.160 --> 00:21:13.000 how introverted, extroverted, atheist, agnostic, 00:21:13.200 --> 00:21:15.720 believer in Jesus or Buddhist, it doesn't matter 00:21:15.720 --> 00:21:19.539 what your background is. You are wired for community. 00:21:20.059 --> 00:21:23.240 You are wired to be with somebody. And lastly, 00:21:23.539 --> 00:21:27.359 you are wired to be known deeply. And in marriage, 00:21:27.640 --> 00:21:31.900 that's what happens. You create this bond emotionally. 00:21:32.170 --> 00:21:35.829 You create the bond physically, intimately, spiritually. 00:21:36.150 --> 00:21:38.470 You just create such a strong bond that you're 00:21:38.470 --> 00:21:43.289 known so intimately and everybody desires that. 00:21:43.509 --> 00:21:45.869 I got the biggest introvert shaking their head 00:21:45.869 --> 00:21:47.710 no at me thinking I have no clue what I'm talking 00:21:47.710 --> 00:21:51.250 about. Do the studies. Do the psychological studies. 00:21:51.930 --> 00:21:55.829 We are wired to be known deeply and so I think 00:21:55.829 --> 00:22:02.009 and I know that That's why marriage is so heightened, 00:22:02.349 --> 00:22:04.630 so escalated. And when we turn to 1 Corinthians 00:22:04.630 --> 00:22:07.049 chapter 7, Paul tells us that not everyone's 00:22:07.049 --> 00:22:09.589 to be married and not everyone wants to hear 00:22:09.589 --> 00:22:12.410 that. I have said that to many single people 00:22:12.410 --> 00:22:15.089 and they get upset, but I want somebody. I know 00:22:15.089 --> 00:22:18.609 you do, but that might not be God's plan for 00:22:18.609 --> 00:22:21.750 you. And it's so hard to want to accept that 00:22:21.750 --> 00:22:25.230 because we want to be known deeply. And so let's 00:22:25.230 --> 00:22:27.670 cross a different border here. If we're supposed 00:22:27.670 --> 00:22:30.210 to be known so deeply, then why is marriage not 00:22:30.210 --> 00:22:32.849 in the cards for everybody on earth? Because 00:22:32.849 --> 00:22:35.029 you could be known deeply without marriage. I 00:22:35.029 --> 00:22:36.809 got some best friends that know everything about 00:22:36.809 --> 00:22:39.210 me. Cassidy has some best friends that know everything 00:22:39.210 --> 00:22:42.549 about her. And so you can be known deeply without 00:22:42.549 --> 00:22:47.609 being in a marriage. And so in my mind, psychologically 00:22:47.609 --> 00:22:51.079 and... Just looking at the world, I believe that's 00:22:51.079 --> 00:22:54.619 why marriage is so seen as the end goal, so heightened 00:22:54.619 --> 00:22:57.940 and so put on a pedestal, if you will. So how 00:22:57.940 --> 00:23:00.160 about those who choose not to get married? Do 00:23:00.160 --> 00:23:03.299 you think this narrative impacts them? What would 00:23:03.299 --> 00:23:05.680 their definition of the ultimate goal be? They 00:23:05.680 --> 00:23:08.000 were called in Matthew 28 to go and make disciples 00:23:08.000 --> 00:23:10.019 of all nations. We are to baptize them in the 00:23:10.019 --> 00:23:11.500 name of the Father, Son, and Holy Spirit. And 00:23:11.500 --> 00:23:13.700 we are to obey the laws of Jesus Christ. And 00:23:13.700 --> 00:23:17.599 so I think that right there is every single person 00:23:17.599 --> 00:23:21.569 on earth. main end goal. If you're not going 00:23:21.569 --> 00:23:25.109 and making disciples of all nations, and if you're 00:23:25.109 --> 00:23:26.730 not baptizing people in the name of the Father, 00:23:26.849 --> 00:23:28.509 Son, and Holy Spirit, and if you're not obeying 00:23:28.509 --> 00:23:30.549 the laws of Jesus Christ, then you're missing 00:23:30.549 --> 00:23:32.970 your end goal. And you're creating your own end 00:23:32.970 --> 00:23:35.109 goal that when you don't make it, there's this 00:23:35.109 --> 00:23:37.049 expectation of yourself and then we have low 00:23:37.049 --> 00:23:38.789 self -esteem because we don't make it. The end 00:23:38.789 --> 00:23:41.509 goal has already been set for us. The prize has 00:23:41.509 --> 00:23:43.329 already been set for us. It's all right there 00:23:43.329 --> 00:23:45.470 before us. We just have to do it. And so what 00:23:45.470 --> 00:23:47.890 Paul is saying in 1 Corinthians chapter 7 is, 00:23:48.420 --> 00:23:51.599 uh when we if we were not called to be married 00:23:51.599 --> 00:23:54.640 what it means is that you can do god's work that 00:23:54.640 --> 00:23:56.900 you can bring the kingdom of heaven here on earth 00:23:56.900 --> 00:23:59.519 better than you could marry full transparency 00:23:59.519 --> 00:24:02.359 if i was a single guy i would not be good at 00:24:02.359 --> 00:24:05.440 spreading the gospel um i grew up with with lustful 00:24:05.440 --> 00:24:08.400 eyes i grew up with a lustful mind and if i didn't 00:24:08.400 --> 00:24:10.779 have someone like cassidy to help to help hold 00:24:10.779 --> 00:24:12.940 me accountable i could be preaching the gospel 00:24:12.940 --> 00:24:16.140 yes but I'd be going back home and closed doors 00:24:16.140 --> 00:24:18.940 and those thoughts would creep in my mind. But 00:24:18.940 --> 00:24:21.059 because I have Cassidy to hold me accountable, 00:24:21.319 --> 00:24:23.940 that's why I believe wholeheartedly that's why 00:24:23.940 --> 00:24:27.440 God gave me a counterpart. He gave me Cassidy 00:24:27.440 --> 00:24:31.000 from the beginning because to do the gospel, 00:24:31.539 --> 00:24:34.980 to spread the gospel on my own as a single human 00:24:34.980 --> 00:24:36.940 being, I don't think I would have been as successful 00:24:36.940 --> 00:24:41.000 as I am spreading the gospel with Cassidy by 00:24:41.000 --> 00:24:51.369 my side. And so the whole end goal, Wow, that 00:24:51.369 --> 00:24:53.829 was so good. If you're listening and finding 00:24:53.829 --> 00:24:55.769 pieces of your own story in what we've shared 00:24:55.769 --> 00:24:58.809 today, whether it's moments of joy, confusion, 00:24:59.250 --> 00:25:01.710 heartbreak, or growth, know this, you're not 00:25:01.710 --> 00:25:04.529 alone. Love is really simple, and the path through 00:25:04.529 --> 00:25:07.190 isn't a one -size -fits -all. Maybe you're just 00:25:07.190 --> 00:25:09.680 starting to explore what love means to you. Maybe 00:25:09.680 --> 00:25:11.380 you're healing from something that didn't turn 00:25:11.380 --> 00:25:14.180 out the way you hoped. Or maybe you're in the 00:25:14.180 --> 00:25:16.619 quiet work of deepening a long -term relationship. 00:25:17.460 --> 00:25:19.900 Wherever you are, your experiences are valid. 00:25:20.519 --> 00:25:22.640 Your questions are welcome, and your journey 00:25:22.640 --> 00:25:24.940 matters more than any perfect story ever could. 00:25:25.759 --> 00:25:28.039 I just wanted to give a huge thank you to Cole 00:25:28.039 --> 00:25:30.359 and Cassidy for sitting down and chatting for 00:25:30.359 --> 00:25:32.900 a bit. If this episode spoke to you, please share 00:25:32.900 --> 00:25:35.480 it with a friend. Leave a review or tag us on 00:25:35.480 --> 00:25:38.319 social media. Until next time, keep seeking those 00:25:38.319 --> 00:25:40.579 fresh perspectives and keep having those unfiltered 00:25:40.579 --> 00:25:42.980 conversations to better understand the world 00:25:42.980 --> 00:25:43.559 around us.