Hey guys, it's me.
I would like to tell you a story about the last relationship that really helped me grow as a person.
I haven't been in many relationships because the relationships I have been in have been long term.
This last one really finished me off. At first, I was so angry, resentful. I was just full of hate of how it ended. Not realizing the Universe was saving me from something bad.
My reaction was full on emotional. Try not to react emotionally. Choose logic.
We can lose our shit quite quickly if we get our emotions involved. Hence why now I think logically.
I don't really think from my heart, but my heart is big and it's always open.
Okay, so back to this guy. So when it all happened, it was three years of my life. Very toxic life. He is a lost person.
Narcissistic, abusive in every way. Talking physically, mentally verbally and emotionally.
I got to the point in this relationship where I didn't know myself worth anymore. I really disliked myself.
I mean I really didn't like who I was. I started to self-negative talk.
Example, I'm so fat, I hate myself. Or, oh my god, I there's a pimple on my face. Fuck, I hate myself.
I love my fucking self now. Thank you for the lesson. I appreciate it, universe.
Wasn't easy. We'll get to that in a moment. So back to this guy. He demeaned me every chance he could.
I didn't see or notice it. It was like an invisible manipulator. It was really something.
I look back now and think why?
How he was just cutting me down in any way he could. You know when your boss can give you shit but you don't know if you're actually getting in shit?
Because they phrase it in such a beautiful manner and what have you. I don't know if anybody's ever experienced that.
I have. And it's quite a skill. So he knocked me down a few thousand notches to the point where I disliked myself immensely.
I wasn't happy about anything. I couldn't like myself if my life depended on it. It was just unbelievable.
There was so much abuse in this relationship and I fucking allowed it. I allowed it over and over and over again.
In one instance, I'll just give you one. I'm not going to go through the entire thing because you guys will get the gist of what I'm saying.
It was a cool, Fall, Sunday evening and was around 11 p.m.
I'm wearing a pair of men's boxing shorts and a workout bra and that's it.
I was relaxing in the house, relaxed, and comfortable.
He returns from wherever he was in a rant. I had no idea what crawled up his ass.
And nor did I ask. He had lost it. So, I walked out to the backyard to give him a few minutes to calm down.
Hoping this wouldn't take long as I was feeling a little chilled.
I looked over at him standing at the balcony doors glaring at me, with a grin on his face. I watched his hand as he lowered it to lock the door. He locked me out of the house.
There was a set of stairs at the back of the house where I could run up and get access through the bedroom.
He watched me make a run for it and in turn he ran from the inside and locked the door.
I am locked out of this fucking house wearing a pair of men's boxers and a workout bra. It's a Sunday night at 11 p.m. in fall.
The temperature is dropping outside and I have no idea what the hell just transpired.
So I just sat there. I'm not going to play his game. I'm not going to yell or anything.
I'm not taking it on.
I sat outside looking up at the stars and began praying for my safety.
I could see him from my mind's eye. It was unbelievable. My initial thought? He's fucking crazy.
After an hour, he finally, opens the door.
I don't have nothing on me to call a friend.
I sat there in shock as he unlocked the door and waited patiently for me to enter the house.
It was unbelievable.
This is the kind of guy(s) I dated. They were all similar. They all had the same look.
They all loved to drink. They all loved to party. They all love the attention from others. Had to be in the limelight.
Look at me. Look at me. Look at me.
I see that now.
That relationship fucking broke me.
It broke me. I had signs. So many signs from the Universe. I was seeing synchronicities everywhere.
I was getting messages. I was hearing the messages. But ignored what the universe was trying to tell me.
I didn't pay attention. That is on me. I have no one to blame but myself.
Finally, the Universe came in and ended the relationship abruptly. We both didn't see it coming.
He gave me 6 hours to move out. Six!
I felt like I was hexed. Like I was under some kind of black magic or something. I don't know. I lost myself.
Toxic AF!
Now, I'm feeling lost, alone, abandoned, and scared. A whole plethora of emotions were roaring through my body and mind.
My thought? How dare he treat me like this? I did it all.
Always putting myself last. I was an over giver.
I cut the grass, shovelled the driveway, shovelled the sidewalks, paid the bills, paid the mortgage. I didn't have a car.
I gave my car to my son because why? Well, he had a car. We're living together. We don't need two vehicles. Common sense.
That's pretty logical, right? Everybody has so much of everything now-a-days. We don't need that much.
We just need the right shit to make us happy and content. Things we need not want.
I grocery shopped, cooked, cleaned...did it all. I did it all!
You name it, I did it. Everything beneath the sun, I fucking did it. Only to get shit on.
Every time I used his car to grab groceries to make dinner for him I was told to replenish the fuel tank. LOL!
I became angry but ensured that was short lived.
The Universe does not work from anger. It works from love.
So, I changed my mindset, lifted myself up, dusted him off of me and claimed my power back.
I needed to gain my power back. Right? I need to get myself back.
It wasn't easy claiming my power back as I now needed to heal from years of shit that I accepted in my life from everyone.
Found out years later he was involved with a coven. A fucking coven! WTF! I felt like I was living in the twilight zone. I'll chat about this another day.
Not only did I change my mindset, I began praying like crazy! My prayers started with something like this.
I accept what is and I let go of what was. I embrace the endings and welcome new beginnings.
Changed my negative thoughts back to positive.
I always believed in God only because my mom believed. After experiencing all of the toxic shit in my life for so many years, I now believe with my entire being.
My life has changed dramatically. By just surrendering. I accept all that I cannot change.
I release the outcome and I joyfully trust the process. Right?
I am now the creator of my life. I AM THE CREATOR! I AM going to create something fucking amazing.
So see how I changed my mindset? At first I was angry, but that's not going to get me anywhere.
That's just going to raise my blood pressure and piss me off even more.
When you think negative, you will attract negative.
It's been a challenging road, but has led me to absolute bliss.
I can't believe how much healing I've done. I feel so much lighter, healthier, happier.
I'm thankful for all of it. The highs, the lows, the blessings, the lessons, the setbacks, the comebacks, everything.
I wouldn't live in peace without the life experiences that I've endured.
I'll be right back.
I love you.