Welcome back everybody to the unpopular Playground.
Glad to have you here with us. Today we're going
to talk relationships. I know it's a broad topic,
but we got to start somewhere, right? So we're
going to discuss some boundaries and deal with
relationships, like as in romantic relationships,
boyfriend, girlfriend, dating, all that stuff.
Jane, do you want to jump in here and get this
bar rolling and maybe we can ask some discussion?
I think that I've learned a lot from relationships.
The best thing that I can say is expectations.
You need to have expectations with what you want
and figuring out what they want and they need
to match up. And also you need to be there in
the same space. I learned that long distance
relationships don't work typically. If one's
in the military, if you're already together and
you have to be apart for a certain amount of
time, I think that's a little bit different in
their ways to make that work out. But even with
that, there's still expectations with communication.
Those are some different things that I've learned
with relationships to start. And those will be
some things that I will be offering in the month
of June with various content on attachment styles.
long distance relationships and setting expectations
and then figuring out when it's not going to
work and when it's time to end it. If it's not
working out, you need to think of in the relationship.
Is that person the person that you are just only
hoping to see or is it who they are and you need
to be able to Come to that reality check. And
if it's not matching up, you got to rip that
bandaid off and see things for what it is. And
my take on that is before you can have a relationship
with anybody, you need to have a relationship
with yourself. You need to know who you are.
What are you looking for in life? Because if
you don't do that, people can easily mold you
be what they want you to be. And then you're
going to be miserable. So you really need to
love yourself first. So that you could go in
and go, no, I'm not going to do that. No, I don't
want this. And this is what I want to do. Either
we can work this out or we can't. And that's
the only way you're going to have a healthy relationship.
Just don't let people try and change you. That's
the biggest thing I see too much in people. And
they date and the next thing you know, it's like,
where did that person I knew go? It's, you're
not the same person. Now this person has changed
you into what? They want you to be and you've
lost your identity. And I think it's very important
to hold on to your identities. How about your
son? Yeah, knowing yourself, having that self
-awareness because you're not gonna be so quick
to settle, for instance, and just being with
someone just to be with them. And you're not
gonna, like you said, also not let them change
you. It's not really about them. It's all about
you. But not allow yourself to be swayed. and
in a way that it's not yourself. As you go through
life, if you're in a relationship, that person
is going to go through changes. It's natural
to grow as a person and that change should be
positive. It's all about putting yourself first
and staying strong as who you are. You have to
grow together, obviously, of course, and people
change. That's why a lot of marriages that start
out... at a young age don't last because you
do change from the time you're 20 to the time
you're 40, 50 years old, everything, your ideas,
your ideals, everything changes. But if you can
communicate and grow together, you can change
together. And that's the whole thing about relationships.
But you have to set boundaries. You can't let
one person rule the roost and the other person
doesn't have a say. It has to be a 50 -50 relationship.
And you have to be able to say no. Yeah, Jen,
do you agree with that? A hundred percent. I
have learned that not putting yourself first,
it makes it very hard to keep your boundaries.
And also it lays the foundation for putting yourself
in a situationship. Some things, because when
things are not defined, it might be amazing when
you're talking, but in the end, one person doesn't
want to define the relationship of exactly where
it is and where you want it to go. And you're
just only wanting to live in the present moment,
and it's not going anywhere. It's a situationship.
And that was an eye -opener for me because I've
been in a narcissist dynamic before and it wasn't
that. And it's also like, what is it then? If
it's not, they weren't controlling. And it's
amazing when you talk, still love everything
about them, but it's not going anywhere. That
is really hard. And that's when you discover
that it's a situationship when the boundaries
aren't defined on where you want to go. What
is this? Are we in a relationship? Is this a
romance or is this just a one time thing? And
it's blended so closely together. You don't know
where one begins and one ends. And you need to
define that, I would say. And the only other
thing that I would say is don't let other people
cut you off from your support system. They cut
you off from your friends, your family. and isolate
you. I say that is a recipe for danger. I would
consider that a red flag. Look at, start marking
the red flags and just end it if you see things
and you don't feel comfortable with them being
yourself and that you have to walk on eggshells.
So there's a bunch of ways we can talk about
here, but for those who may be in this kind of
situationship and They decide, okay, this is
not me. It's not who I am. It's not good for
me. I want to get out. I want to encourage you
to always put yourself first, love yourself enough
to give yourself permission to get out of something
that you don't need to be in. But also, when
that's all said and done, for me, I'll ask you
two ladies, too. It's about, what did you learn
from it? Right? How can it help you move on and
have a better life? So what do you guys say to
that? If you're in one of these things, first
of all, love yourself enough to get out, but
then what? After that, how do you navigate that
and find what the lesson is so you can move on?
You guys have anything to say about that? I think
once you realize that it isn't working for you
and you allow yourself to get out of it, at that
point you've learned, this is not what I want.
So that in and of itself is a learning lesson
for you. And I think if it happens again, that
little trigger in your brain will be like, whoa,
wait a minute. We're stepping into this again.
And this is, we know exactly where this road
is going to lead and let's nip it in the bud
now. I always laugh because we teach our kids
from little say no, but yet adults don't say
no. We don't stand up to things and just say
no. As adults, just say no. I don't care if it
hurts your feelings. I don't care if it puts
an end to it, but it's just saying, no, this
don't work for me. Sorry. No, bye. I would add
to that just, yeah, the pattern recognition,
like you said, Debbie, and loving yourself enough
to be able to see what you don't want. It's not
that it's anything wrong with the person. They're
great people a lot of times just because you
have a connection with somebody. It doesn't mean
that they're necessarily your soulmate. They
can be your friends, but you can learn from the
negative parts, too, by just learning that, okay,
that wasn't it. Experience teaches you a lot
that wasn't the one. And I think that's helpful,
too. Next time we have the discussion and Debbie,
I see your hand. I didn't cut you off, but maybe
we can go down the road of how to not even get
in this kind of I think it relates to the first
place, but Deputy, did you have something you
wanted to - No, I'm just going to either wind
this one down and if we have anything else to
say about another topic, get into something else,
or do we want to continue this for the 30 minutes?
I would say that between the other discussions
that we've had on setting boundaries, I think
there's a pattern that four discussions would
be a boundary and it would be a great thing to
stop toxic people from coming into your life
by having that. We have our friends, family,
romance, and our co -workers and general society.
If we center ourselves, then we have those boundaries
for those poor groups of people in our life.
Then... we can ensure to protect ourselves and
if we know ourselves and we're protecting ourselves
and we keep those boundaries up on all four areas
we will keep those toxic people out of our life
and we recognize those patterns once you can
label and figure out what it is I think that's
half the battle on that because when you don't
know what a situation is and you can't define
it and they're not willing to define it, then
that means that it's probably not good for you.
It just comes down to you. Know thyself and know
what you will and will not tolerate. I think
this can wrap it up for our June Talks and we'll
have much more coming. Try to like, subscribe
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