WEBVTT 00:00:00.000 --> 00:00:03.439 Welcome back everybody to the unpopular Playground. 00:00:03.700 --> 00:00:06.280 Glad to have you here with us. Today we're going 00:00:06.280 --> 00:00:10.660 to talk relationships. I know it's a broad topic, 00:00:11.080 --> 00:00:14.019 but we got to start somewhere, right? So we're 00:00:14.019 --> 00:00:16.760 going to discuss some boundaries and deal with 00:00:16.760 --> 00:00:21.460 relationships, like as in romantic relationships, 00:00:22.199 --> 00:00:24.800 boyfriend, girlfriend, dating, all that stuff. 00:00:25.039 --> 00:00:27.519 Jane, do you want to jump in here and get this 00:00:27.519 --> 00:00:29.199 bar rolling and maybe we can ask some discussion? 00:00:29.800 --> 00:00:34.880 I think that I've learned a lot from relationships. 00:00:35.500 --> 00:00:38.039 The best thing that I can say is expectations. 00:00:38.780 --> 00:00:42.759 You need to have expectations with what you want 00:00:42.759 --> 00:00:46.759 and figuring out what they want and they need 00:00:46.759 --> 00:00:52.560 to match up. And also you need to be there in 00:00:52.560 --> 00:00:55.380 the same space. I learned that long distance 00:00:55.380 --> 00:01:01.039 relationships don't work typically. If one's 00:01:01.039 --> 00:01:03.280 in the military, if you're already together and 00:01:03.280 --> 00:01:06.299 you have to be apart for a certain amount of 00:01:06.299 --> 00:01:08.700 time, I think that's a little bit different in 00:01:08.700 --> 00:01:10.980 their ways to make that work out. But even with 00:01:10.980 --> 00:01:15.640 that, there's still expectations with communication. 00:01:16.079 --> 00:01:18.359 Those are some different things that I've learned 00:01:18.359 --> 00:01:21.879 with relationships to start. And those will be 00:01:21.879 --> 00:01:25.159 some things that I will be offering in the month 00:01:25.159 --> 00:01:29.299 of June with various content on attachment styles. 00:01:29.739 --> 00:01:33.200 long distance relationships and setting expectations 00:01:33.200 --> 00:01:37.060 and then figuring out when it's not going to 00:01:37.060 --> 00:01:41.959 work and when it's time to end it. If it's not 00:01:41.959 --> 00:01:44.879 working out, you need to think of in the relationship. 00:01:45.340 --> 00:01:50.900 Is that person the person that you are just only 00:01:50.900 --> 00:01:55.439 hoping to see or is it who they are and you need 00:01:55.439 --> 00:01:58.540 to be able to Come to that reality check. And 00:01:58.540 --> 00:02:01.079 if it's not matching up, you got to rip that 00:02:01.079 --> 00:02:04.359 bandaid off and see things for what it is. And 00:02:04.359 --> 00:02:07.200 my take on that is before you can have a relationship 00:02:07.200 --> 00:02:10.080 with anybody, you need to have a relationship 00:02:10.080 --> 00:02:12.259 with yourself. You need to know who you are. 00:02:12.400 --> 00:02:15.020 What are you looking for in life? Because if 00:02:15.020 --> 00:02:17.960 you don't do that, people can easily mold you 00:02:17.960 --> 00:02:20.900 be what they want you to be. And then you're 00:02:20.900 --> 00:02:23.599 going to be miserable. So you really need to 00:02:23.599 --> 00:02:26.580 love yourself first. So that you could go in 00:02:26.580 --> 00:02:28.699 and go, no, I'm not going to do that. No, I don't 00:02:28.699 --> 00:02:31.280 want this. And this is what I want to do. Either 00:02:31.280 --> 00:02:34.120 we can work this out or we can't. And that's 00:02:34.120 --> 00:02:36.620 the only way you're going to have a healthy relationship. 00:02:37.020 --> 00:02:40.000 Just don't let people try and change you. That's 00:02:40.000 --> 00:02:42.560 the biggest thing I see too much in people. And 00:02:42.560 --> 00:02:44.659 they date and the next thing you know, it's like, 00:02:44.979 --> 00:02:48.180 where did that person I knew go? It's, you're 00:02:48.180 --> 00:02:50.919 not the same person. Now this person has changed 00:02:50.919 --> 00:02:53.680 you into what? They want you to be and you've 00:02:53.680 --> 00:02:56.280 lost your identity. And I think it's very important 00:02:56.280 --> 00:03:00.080 to hold on to your identities. How about your 00:03:00.080 --> 00:03:02.639 son? Yeah, knowing yourself, having that self 00:03:02.639 --> 00:03:07.539 -awareness because you're not gonna be so quick 00:03:07.539 --> 00:03:10.780 to settle, for instance, and just being with 00:03:10.780 --> 00:03:13.219 someone just to be with them. And you're not 00:03:13.219 --> 00:03:15.199 gonna, like you said, also not let them change 00:03:15.199 --> 00:03:17.379 you. It's not really about them. It's all about 00:03:17.379 --> 00:03:21.599 you. But not allow yourself to be swayed. and 00:03:21.599 --> 00:03:25.020 in a way that it's not yourself. As you go through 00:03:25.020 --> 00:03:28.139 life, if you're in a relationship, that person 00:03:28.139 --> 00:03:29.819 is going to go through changes. It's natural 00:03:29.819 --> 00:03:32.719 to grow as a person and that change should be 00:03:32.719 --> 00:03:35.860 positive. It's all about putting yourself first 00:03:35.860 --> 00:03:39.120 and staying strong as who you are. You have to 00:03:39.120 --> 00:03:41.340 grow together, obviously, of course, and people 00:03:41.340 --> 00:03:43.479 change. That's why a lot of marriages that start 00:03:43.479 --> 00:03:46.039 out... at a young age don't last because you 00:03:46.039 --> 00:03:49.000 do change from the time you're 20 to the time 00:03:49.000 --> 00:03:52.280 you're 40, 50 years old, everything, your ideas, 00:03:52.439 --> 00:03:56.319 your ideals, everything changes. But if you can 00:03:56.319 --> 00:03:59.159 communicate and grow together, you can change 00:03:59.159 --> 00:04:02.819 together. And that's the whole thing about relationships. 00:04:03.120 --> 00:04:04.979 But you have to set boundaries. You can't let 00:04:04.979 --> 00:04:08.099 one person rule the roost and the other person 00:04:08.099 --> 00:04:11.960 doesn't have a say. It has to be a 50 -50 relationship. 00:04:12.270 --> 00:04:16.250 And you have to be able to say no. Yeah, Jen, 00:04:16.689 --> 00:04:19.810 do you agree with that? A hundred percent. I 00:04:19.810 --> 00:04:23.649 have learned that not putting yourself first, 00:04:24.410 --> 00:04:26.629 it makes it very hard to keep your boundaries. 00:04:27.149 --> 00:04:32.050 And also it lays the foundation for putting yourself 00:04:32.050 --> 00:04:36.389 in a situationship. Some things, because when 00:04:36.389 --> 00:04:41.370 things are not defined, it might be amazing when 00:04:41.560 --> 00:04:47.339 you're talking, but in the end, one person doesn't 00:04:47.339 --> 00:04:51.779 want to define the relationship of exactly where 00:04:51.779 --> 00:04:55.100 it is and where you want it to go. And you're 00:04:55.100 --> 00:04:58.240 just only wanting to live in the present moment, 00:04:58.360 --> 00:05:02.160 and it's not going anywhere. It's a situationship. 00:05:02.740 --> 00:05:07.399 And that was an eye -opener for me because I've 00:05:07.399 --> 00:05:14.139 been in a narcissist dynamic before and it wasn't 00:05:14.139 --> 00:05:18.319 that. And it's also like, what is it then? If 00:05:18.319 --> 00:05:22.779 it's not, they weren't controlling. And it's 00:05:22.779 --> 00:05:25.279 amazing when you talk, still love everything 00:05:25.279 --> 00:05:30.259 about them, but it's not going anywhere. That 00:05:30.259 --> 00:05:34.079 is really hard. And that's when you discover 00:05:34.079 --> 00:05:37.939 that it's a situationship when the boundaries 00:05:37.939 --> 00:05:42.610 aren't defined on where you want to go. What 00:05:42.610 --> 00:05:45.829 is this? Are we in a relationship? Is this a 00:05:45.829 --> 00:05:49.709 romance or is this just a one time thing? And 00:05:49.709 --> 00:05:53.250 it's blended so closely together. You don't know 00:05:53.250 --> 00:05:57.689 where one begins and one ends. And you need to 00:05:57.689 --> 00:06:00.050 define that, I would say. And the only other 00:06:00.050 --> 00:06:02.970 thing that I would say is don't let other people 00:06:02.970 --> 00:06:06.329 cut you off from your support system. They cut 00:06:06.329 --> 00:06:09.680 you off from your friends, your family. and isolate 00:06:09.680 --> 00:06:17.240 you. I say that is a recipe for danger. I would 00:06:17.240 --> 00:06:20.180 consider that a red flag. Look at, start marking 00:06:20.180 --> 00:06:24.240 the red flags and just end it if you see things 00:06:24.240 --> 00:06:28.160 and you don't feel comfortable with them being 00:06:28.160 --> 00:06:31.519 yourself and that you have to walk on eggshells. 00:06:31.560 --> 00:06:33.959 So there's a bunch of ways we can talk about 00:06:33.959 --> 00:06:37.399 here, but for those who may be in this kind of 00:06:37.399 --> 00:06:39.779 situationship and They decide, okay, this is 00:06:39.779 --> 00:06:42.339 not me. It's not who I am. It's not good for 00:06:42.339 --> 00:06:44.600 me. I want to get out. I want to encourage you 00:06:44.600 --> 00:06:46.819 to always put yourself first, love yourself enough 00:06:46.819 --> 00:06:50.339 to give yourself permission to get out of something 00:06:50.339 --> 00:06:53.800 that you don't need to be in. But also, when 00:06:53.800 --> 00:06:56.120 that's all said and done, for me, I'll ask you 00:06:56.120 --> 00:06:58.839 two ladies, too. It's about, what did you learn 00:06:58.839 --> 00:07:01.079 from it? Right? How can it help you move on and 00:07:01.079 --> 00:07:03.269 have a better life? So what do you guys say to 00:07:03.269 --> 00:07:05.050 that? If you're in one of these things, first 00:07:05.050 --> 00:07:06.670 of all, love yourself enough to get out, but 00:07:06.670 --> 00:07:08.670 then what? After that, how do you navigate that 00:07:08.670 --> 00:07:11.490 and find what the lesson is so you can move on? 00:07:11.970 --> 00:07:13.709 You guys have anything to say about that? I think 00:07:13.709 --> 00:07:17.009 once you realize that it isn't working for you 00:07:17.009 --> 00:07:19.850 and you allow yourself to get out of it, at that 00:07:19.850 --> 00:07:22.230 point you've learned, this is not what I want. 00:07:22.850 --> 00:07:26.029 So that in and of itself is a learning lesson 00:07:26.029 --> 00:07:29.769 for you. And I think if it happens again, that 00:07:29.769 --> 00:07:31.810 little trigger in your brain will be like, whoa, 00:07:31.910 --> 00:07:34.509 wait a minute. We're stepping into this again. 00:07:34.509 --> 00:07:37.509 And this is, we know exactly where this road 00:07:37.509 --> 00:07:40.149 is going to lead and let's nip it in the bud 00:07:40.149 --> 00:07:42.810 now. I always laugh because we teach our kids 00:07:42.810 --> 00:07:49.490 from little say no, but yet adults don't say 00:07:49.490 --> 00:07:53.069 no. We don't stand up to things and just say 00:07:53.069 --> 00:07:55.829 no. As adults, just say no. I don't care if it 00:07:55.829 --> 00:07:58.009 hurts your feelings. I don't care if it puts 00:07:58.009 --> 00:08:00.290 an end to it, but it's just saying, no, this 00:08:00.290 --> 00:08:03.769 don't work for me. Sorry. No, bye. I would add 00:08:03.769 --> 00:08:09.069 to that just, yeah, the pattern recognition, 00:08:09.689 --> 00:08:12.730 like you said, Debbie, and loving yourself enough 00:08:12.730 --> 00:08:15.709 to be able to see what you don't want. It's not 00:08:15.709 --> 00:08:19.949 that it's anything wrong with the person. They're 00:08:19.949 --> 00:08:23.370 great people a lot of times just because you 00:08:23.370 --> 00:08:26.709 have a connection with somebody. It doesn't mean 00:08:26.709 --> 00:08:29.310 that they're necessarily your soulmate. They 00:08:29.310 --> 00:08:32.610 can be your friends, but you can learn from the 00:08:32.610 --> 00:08:36.149 negative parts, too, by just learning that, okay, 00:08:36.690 --> 00:08:39.690 that wasn't it. Experience teaches you a lot 00:08:39.690 --> 00:08:43.850 that wasn't the one. And I think that's helpful, 00:08:44.629 --> 00:08:49.669 too. Next time we have the discussion and Debbie, 00:08:49.809 --> 00:08:51.970 I see your hand. I didn't cut you off, but maybe 00:08:51.970 --> 00:08:54.429 we can go down the road of how to not even get 00:08:54.429 --> 00:08:56.340 in this kind of I think it relates to the first 00:08:56.340 --> 00:08:58.019 place, but Deputy, did you have something you 00:08:58.019 --> 00:09:00.919 wanted to - No, I'm just going to either wind 00:09:00.919 --> 00:09:03.240 this one down and if we have anything else to 00:09:03.240 --> 00:09:06.179 say about another topic, get into something else, 00:09:06.279 --> 00:09:09.139 or do we want to continue this for the 30 minutes? 00:09:09.759 --> 00:09:12.700 I would say that between the other discussions 00:09:12.700 --> 00:09:17.220 that we've had on setting boundaries, I think 00:09:17.220 --> 00:09:22.080 there's a pattern that four discussions would 00:09:22.080 --> 00:09:27.799 be a boundary and it would be a great thing to 00:09:27.799 --> 00:09:31.600 stop toxic people from coming into your life 00:09:31.600 --> 00:09:34.980 by having that. We have our friends, family, 00:09:35.700 --> 00:09:40.279 romance, and our co -workers and general society. 00:09:40.980 --> 00:09:44.960 If we center ourselves, then we have those boundaries 00:09:44.960 --> 00:09:49.000 for those poor groups of people in our life. 00:09:49.220 --> 00:09:53.080 Then... we can ensure to protect ourselves and 00:09:53.080 --> 00:09:55.539 if we know ourselves and we're protecting ourselves 00:09:55.539 --> 00:10:00.039 and we keep those boundaries up on all four areas 00:10:00.039 --> 00:10:02.799 we will keep those toxic people out of our life 00:10:02.799 --> 00:10:05.440 and we recognize those patterns once you can 00:10:05.440 --> 00:10:10.159 label and figure out what it is I think that's 00:10:10.159 --> 00:10:13.100 half the battle on that because when you don't 00:10:13.100 --> 00:10:16.120 know what a situation is and you can't define 00:10:16.120 --> 00:10:20.090 it and they're not willing to define it, then 00:10:20.090 --> 00:10:23.529 that means that it's probably not good for you. 00:10:24.470 --> 00:10:27.889 It just comes down to you. Know thyself and know 00:10:27.889 --> 00:10:31.629 what you will and will not tolerate. I think 00:10:31.629 --> 00:10:36.110 this can wrap it up for our June Talks and we'll 00:10:36.110 --> 00:10:38.669 have much more coming. Try to like, subscribe 00:10:38.669 --> 00:10:41.129 and hit that notification bell for more.