Recording started. Yes. All right. Welcome back
to the Unpopular Playgrounds. We are here today
to discuss family boundaries, which that's a
biggie. And with Jen, say hi, Jen. Hi, Jen. Say
hi, Ramon. How you doing, Ramon? What's up, guys?
What's up, everybody? There you go. We're a good
happy group here. Ramon, you want to start us
off today with some tips on family boundaries.
Oh, man. Yeah, that's a big, that's a big, wide
shirt. Top topic here. But so to kind of piggyback
off the last discussion about friendships, I'm
going to say that with family too, it comes back
to the self, right? If you put yourself first,
then you shouldn't be so quick to please other
people or make other people feel better. You
can't show how someone feels. Right. So whether
it's your parents, your cousins, your aunts,
uncles, grandfathers, whatever it is, you know
the relationship. Not all family relationships
are that strong or that loving. So you already
know personally what kind of boundaries you need
to put up. How high those walls need to go. When
you put yourself first, you know, you're not
trying to please people. And that's just what
it comes back to me for. At least that's It's
been my lesson in the past few months or years
of my life, of my journey. That's what life has
taught me, just to put yourself first. It may
sound kind of messed up and raw and selfish,
but like you have to. The same way you have in
the past used the analogy of when you're flying
on the airplane and they say put your oxygen
mask on first. That's right. Yeah, so. Yeah,
that makes complete sense. And how about you,
Jen? What's your feelings on? family boundaries.
Well, I have been blessed with a great family.
I love my mom, my brothers, my siblings, and
we all get along and there's virtually no family
drama. Everybody gets along. Probably growing
up, we did have some challenges when you have
remarriages and people get married and you're
smaller and you don't understand that dynamics
and your mom and dad aren't together anymore.
That was hard because you feel left out, especially
if they have another child and then it's like,
okay, well, that's their real family and you
feel somewhat put aside and you feel like I think
I'm not the only one. I think when you're the
kids have a broken relationship it you know,
you make a lot of assumptions in your head and
I Kept up that resentment and I didn't voice
it out I didn't have that conversation with my
mom until much later in life and I wish I would
have had it sooner I wish I would have Said to
my mother, you know, this is so appearing I wish
that I would have had that conversation sooner
because our relationship when I was younger would
have been stronger earlier. And when you make
assumptions and you don't have those conversations
with how you're fearing, I think it's hard. But
making the effort to reach out and say, this
is how I'm fearing. Is this the way that it really
is? At least then you would either know and what
she told me was very beautiful. And I discovered
this in teaching as well because you are like
a mother. It is like a family relationship when
you're teaching and you have kids with different
needs and you think that there's favorites, but
there's not. You have favorite things that you
love about each one. It's not a particular favorite.
I only had one child. My mom told me that I give
everybody what they need. She gives me things
that she doesn't give my brother because they
don't need that. And she gets my brother things.
But when you're a kid growing up in a family
and you see one thing, you make those assumptions.
And I would say, Even as you get older, your
parents are still giving the relationship dynamics
changes. But you think, oh, well, they're only
going to their events. They're only going to
their functions. And you just see visibly, but
you don't see what they're doing behind the scenes
for you. And just because you don't see things
doesn't mean that the love's not there. Doesn't
mean they're doing things for you behind the
scenes. So I would say that. You need to keep
that relationship open, is basically what I'm
trying to say. Max? I agree. And I think that's
the most important thing. And that's what I made
a point of doing, raising my own child. Because
as I was growing up, children did not ask their
parents, you know, can I tell you this? Or can
I express my feelings? Because that got you a
slap upside the head or slammed with a belt.
Because what the parents said, That was it. And
my thing has always been to know me is to love
me. Why can't you see me and see me for who I
am? Not who you think I should be, not who you
want me to be, but who I am. Why do you keep
questioning why I do this or that or keep my
stuff in the drawer all crumpled up? It's like
that's who I am. Stop trying to change me and
stop trying to, you know, beat me into submission.
And when I had my daughter, I always made it
a thing. We would sit down, and we talked. And
I would say to her, you can tell me anything.
But before we start to call this initial, I'd
like you to tell me, do you want to talk to me
as your mom? Or do you want to talk to me as
you would talk to me as a friend? A friend, I
will give you advice as a friend would give you.
And as a mom, we'll talk about it a little bit
differently. Because then I knew exactly who
my child was. I wasn't trying to make her be
me because, Lord, no, she's not. But it's just
one of those things. And it's funny because when
I got married, I mean, eons ago, I called my
husband, you know, to know me is to love me.
But you've got to understand, I'm never going
to change. And there would be times he'd go,
why do you have to curse? And I'd be like, now,
when you met me, I cursed. Why would you think
I was going to change? I grew up in the rodeo
scene. It was a rough life, a good life I enjoyed,
but it was a whole different thing. I wasn't
an altar boy like you, you know? And 20 years
later, he'd say, why do you have to use that
word? And it's like, are you serious? 20 years
later, you're still asking me the same question?
I mean, this, me. Why do I have to do this? Wait,
it's just me. Why do I have to, you know, it
was just different things. And it's like, You
know me, just love me the way I am. And I mean,
it just is one of those things. And towards the
end of his life and that, he finally said, oh,
yeah, you're right. You are you and there will
never be another you. But that's the problem.
People don't get to know you for who you are.
And that's the biggest problem. That's why family
dynamics don't make your family be who you want
them to be or expect them to be. Allow them to
be themselves and get to know them. Yeah. Yeah,
well, that's well said. Family is like rings
that were forced on you, you know? So it's like,
you know, family, yeah, I think there's a certain
level of, I know a lot about expectations last
episode, but, you know, there's level expectations
probably with family, them on the level. If it's
your parent, if it's your sibling, if it's your
extended family, right? Yeah, there's a high
hierarchy. Exactly. Yes. That's the word I'm
trying to find, Jen. And you already have these
assumptions and maybe even expectations, which
we shouldn't have. So there's that cluster right
there, right? And then, you know, you guys both
brought up good points about, like, kids. Kids
need different things, right? Like, I like when
Jen said, you know, I give each kid what they
need. Thanks. Like, this kid may not need what
you're giving this other kid, but you know they
need it. So you do that, OK? And then Debbie,
my takeaway from yours, from your discussion
was the change in societal norms, you know, how
we, and I think part of it is we're all as a
whole kind of raising our level of consciousness,
right? So I think like some of the traditional
ways that we've done things like parenting, we've
just done it just cause like that's just the
way that we're supposed to do it, quote unquote,
right? You know, that's the way our parents parent
us, you know, so we just to keep on doing the
same thing, but now I think now we're trying
to, I think now we're getting out of that, you
know, it's more of like a, we're doing things
on a conscious level as far as like parenting
and the way we talk, you know. Intentional. Yeah.
Yeah. You know what I'm saying? Intentional,
yeah. Right. So anyway, there's a lot to unpack
in all this and I might need to bring this up
again. It's a different show. My closing would
be that I really loved Debbie, how you brought
up about the individuality. of everybody. It
seems like so many family dynamics. You can't
tell where one begins and the other ends. They're
so unhealthily enmeshed into one another. Nobody
is an individual anymore. And it's like, well,
I can't do this because I have to ask my family.
It's like, you're 25. Why are you asking? Why
do you have to go ask your family? You live by
yourself, you're married. And why are you asking
your family? Or they're so enmeshed with their
kids that they don't have time for themselves.
I think it's really important for everybody.
I would just close that everybody needs to be
an individual and have their me time. Kids need
their me time. Moms need their me time. Everybody
needs their me time so that they can have time
to figure out what they want so that they know
you're not projecting a future for your kids
that they don't want and vice versa. That, you
know, when your kids leave the house, moms and
dads should be able to have their own dreams
and they should want their kids to leave the
house. Nobody wants a kid living in the basement
until they're 45. So that's how I would end it.
No, don't compare your children to. their siblings
or to the neighbor's kids. Don't let them hear.
Why can't you be more like so -and -so? That's
the worst thing because they're not so -and -so.
They don't have the same DNA. They don't live
in that household. Children are different. Let
them be who they are, not giving them the opportunity
to strive to be themselves. And on that happy
note, I'm very curious. Next time.