WEBVTT 00:00:01.519 --> 00:00:05.259 Recording started. Yes. All right. Welcome back 00:00:05.259 --> 00:00:08.060 to the Unpopular Playgrounds. We are here today 00:00:08.060 --> 00:00:11.359 to discuss family boundaries, which that's a 00:00:11.359 --> 00:00:17.800 biggie. And with Jen, say hi, Jen. Hi, Jen. Say 00:00:17.800 --> 00:00:23.460 hi, Ramon. How you doing, Ramon? What's up, guys? 00:00:23.879 --> 00:00:26.300 What's up, everybody? There you go. We're a good 00:00:26.300 --> 00:00:28.670 happy group here. Ramon, you want to start us 00:00:28.670 --> 00:00:31.629 off today with some tips on family boundaries. 00:00:32.210 --> 00:00:34.590 Oh, man. Yeah, that's a big, that's a big, wide 00:00:34.590 --> 00:00:38.829 shirt. Top topic here. But so to kind of piggyback 00:00:38.829 --> 00:00:43.469 off the last discussion about friendships, I'm 00:00:43.469 --> 00:00:47.090 going to say that with family too, it comes back 00:00:47.090 --> 00:00:50.450 to the self, right? If you put yourself first, 00:00:50.689 --> 00:00:53.350 then you shouldn't be so quick to please other 00:00:53.350 --> 00:00:56.340 people or make other people feel better. You 00:00:56.340 --> 00:00:59.460 can't show how someone feels. Right. So whether 00:00:59.460 --> 00:01:02.479 it's your parents, your cousins, your aunts, 00:01:02.560 --> 00:01:05.299 uncles, grandfathers, whatever it is, you know 00:01:05.299 --> 00:01:07.840 the relationship. Not all family relationships 00:01:07.840 --> 00:01:11.719 are that strong or that loving. So you already 00:01:11.719 --> 00:01:14.579 know personally what kind of boundaries you need 00:01:14.579 --> 00:01:17.200 to put up. How high those walls need to go. When 00:01:17.200 --> 00:01:21.340 you put yourself first, you know, you're not 00:01:21.340 --> 00:01:23.700 trying to please people. And that's just what 00:01:23.700 --> 00:01:25.900 it comes back to me for. At least that's It's 00:01:25.900 --> 00:01:31.140 been my lesson in the past few months or years 00:01:31.140 --> 00:01:34.060 of my life, of my journey. That's what life has 00:01:34.060 --> 00:01:36.060 taught me, just to put yourself first. It may 00:01:36.060 --> 00:01:38.060 sound kind of messed up and raw and selfish, 00:01:38.060 --> 00:01:41.659 but like you have to. The same way you have in 00:01:41.659 --> 00:01:44.040 the past used the analogy of when you're flying 00:01:44.040 --> 00:01:45.599 on the airplane and they say put your oxygen 00:01:45.599 --> 00:01:49.459 mask on first. That's right. Yeah, so. Yeah, 00:01:49.519 --> 00:01:52.480 that makes complete sense. And how about you, 00:01:52.540 --> 00:01:56.280 Jen? What's your feelings on? family boundaries. 00:01:57.060 --> 00:02:01.819 Well, I have been blessed with a great family. 00:02:02.379 --> 00:02:06.060 I love my mom, my brothers, my siblings, and 00:02:06.060 --> 00:02:10.039 we all get along and there's virtually no family 00:02:10.039 --> 00:02:14.719 drama. Everybody gets along. Probably growing 00:02:14.719 --> 00:02:19.000 up, we did have some challenges when you have 00:02:19.000 --> 00:02:22.479 remarriages and people get married and you're 00:02:22.479 --> 00:02:28.659 smaller and you don't understand that dynamics 00:02:28.659 --> 00:02:31.800 and your mom and dad aren't together anymore. 00:02:33.199 --> 00:02:36.120 That was hard because you feel left out, especially 00:02:36.120 --> 00:02:40.680 if they have another child and then it's like, 00:02:40.900 --> 00:02:42.680 okay, well, that's their real family and you 00:02:42.680 --> 00:02:48.180 feel somewhat put aside and you feel like I think 00:02:48.180 --> 00:02:52.770 I'm not the only one. I think when you're the 00:02:52.770 --> 00:02:55.310 kids have a broken relationship it you know, 00:02:55.409 --> 00:02:59.469 you make a lot of assumptions in your head and 00:02:59.469 --> 00:03:04.189 I Kept up that resentment and I didn't voice 00:03:04.189 --> 00:03:07.270 it out I didn't have that conversation with my 00:03:07.270 --> 00:03:10.629 mom until much later in life and I wish I would 00:03:10.629 --> 00:03:15.110 have had it sooner I wish I would have Said to 00:03:15.110 --> 00:03:19.750 my mother, you know, this is so appearing I wish 00:03:19.750 --> 00:03:21.789 that I would have had that conversation sooner 00:03:21.789 --> 00:03:25.810 because our relationship when I was younger would 00:03:25.810 --> 00:03:29.569 have been stronger earlier. And when you make 00:03:29.569 --> 00:03:32.889 assumptions and you don't have those conversations 00:03:32.889 --> 00:03:39.009 with how you're fearing, I think it's hard. But 00:03:39.009 --> 00:03:43.449 making the effort to reach out and say, this 00:03:43.449 --> 00:03:47.710 is how I'm fearing. Is this the way that it really 00:03:47.710 --> 00:03:53.740 is? At least then you would either know and what 00:03:53.740 --> 00:03:56.379 she told me was very beautiful. And I discovered 00:03:56.379 --> 00:03:59.659 this in teaching as well because you are like 00:03:59.659 --> 00:04:02.080 a mother. It is like a family relationship when 00:04:02.080 --> 00:04:06.719 you're teaching and you have kids with different 00:04:06.719 --> 00:04:11.199 needs and you think that there's favorites, but 00:04:11.199 --> 00:04:14.099 there's not. You have favorite things that you 00:04:14.099 --> 00:04:19.100 love about each one. It's not a particular favorite. 00:04:19.160 --> 00:04:26.100 I only had one child. My mom told me that I give 00:04:26.100 --> 00:04:29.819 everybody what they need. She gives me things 00:04:29.819 --> 00:04:32.860 that she doesn't give my brother because they 00:04:32.860 --> 00:04:35.879 don't need that. And she gets my brother things. 00:04:36.139 --> 00:04:40.160 But when you're a kid growing up in a family 00:04:40.160 --> 00:04:43.899 and you see one thing, you make those assumptions. 00:04:43.980 --> 00:04:47.740 And I would say, Even as you get older, your 00:04:47.740 --> 00:04:50.579 parents are still giving the relationship dynamics 00:04:50.579 --> 00:04:54.800 changes. But you think, oh, well, they're only 00:04:54.800 --> 00:04:57.500 going to their events. They're only going to 00:04:57.500 --> 00:05:01.259 their functions. And you just see visibly, but 00:05:01.259 --> 00:05:03.819 you don't see what they're doing behind the scenes 00:05:03.819 --> 00:05:09.019 for you. And just because you don't see things 00:05:09.019 --> 00:05:11.360 doesn't mean that the love's not there. Doesn't 00:05:11.360 --> 00:05:13.980 mean they're doing things for you behind the 00:05:13.980 --> 00:05:15.930 scenes. So I would say that. You need to keep 00:05:15.930 --> 00:05:18.810 that relationship open, is basically what I'm 00:05:18.810 --> 00:05:23.069 trying to say. Max? I agree. And I think that's 00:05:23.069 --> 00:05:26.470 the most important thing. And that's what I made 00:05:26.470 --> 00:05:29.649 a point of doing, raising my own child. Because 00:05:29.649 --> 00:05:33.110 as I was growing up, children did not ask their 00:05:33.110 --> 00:05:36.649 parents, you know, can I tell you this? Or can 00:05:36.649 --> 00:05:39.389 I express my feelings? Because that got you a 00:05:39.389 --> 00:05:42.550 slap upside the head or slammed with a belt. 00:05:42.990 --> 00:05:45.800 Because what the parents said, That was it. And 00:05:45.800 --> 00:05:50.259 my thing has always been to know me is to love 00:05:50.259 --> 00:05:54.379 me. Why can't you see me and see me for who I 00:05:54.379 --> 00:05:57.959 am? Not who you think I should be, not who you 00:05:57.959 --> 00:06:01.579 want me to be, but who I am. Why do you keep 00:06:01.579 --> 00:06:05.079 questioning why I do this or that or keep my 00:06:05.079 --> 00:06:07.579 stuff in the drawer all crumpled up? It's like 00:06:07.579 --> 00:06:10.519 that's who I am. Stop trying to change me and 00:06:10.519 --> 00:06:13.240 stop trying to, you know, beat me into submission. 00:06:13.560 --> 00:06:16.379 And when I had my daughter, I always made it 00:06:16.379 --> 00:06:19.480 a thing. We would sit down, and we talked. And 00:06:19.480 --> 00:06:21.420 I would say to her, you can tell me anything. 00:06:21.740 --> 00:06:24.339 But before we start to call this initial, I'd 00:06:24.339 --> 00:06:26.439 like you to tell me, do you want to talk to me 00:06:26.439 --> 00:06:29.139 as your mom? Or do you want to talk to me as 00:06:29.139 --> 00:06:31.920 you would talk to me as a friend? A friend, I 00:06:31.920 --> 00:06:34.540 will give you advice as a friend would give you. 00:06:34.660 --> 00:06:37.540 And as a mom, we'll talk about it a little bit 00:06:37.540 --> 00:06:41.879 differently. Because then I knew exactly who 00:06:41.879 --> 00:06:44.600 my child was. I wasn't trying to make her be 00:06:44.600 --> 00:06:49.740 me because, Lord, no, she's not. But it's just 00:06:49.740 --> 00:06:52.279 one of those things. And it's funny because when 00:06:52.279 --> 00:06:56.300 I got married, I mean, eons ago, I called my 00:06:56.300 --> 00:06:58.860 husband, you know, to know me is to love me. 00:06:59.060 --> 00:07:01.139 But you've got to understand, I'm never going 00:07:01.139 --> 00:07:04.459 to change. And there would be times he'd go, 00:07:04.699 --> 00:07:07.740 why do you have to curse? And I'd be like, now, 00:07:07.800 --> 00:07:10.610 when you met me, I cursed. Why would you think 00:07:10.610 --> 00:07:13.209 I was going to change? I grew up in the rodeo 00:07:13.209 --> 00:07:16.629 scene. It was a rough life, a good life I enjoyed, 00:07:16.990 --> 00:07:19.910 but it was a whole different thing. I wasn't 00:07:19.910 --> 00:07:23.329 an altar boy like you, you know? And 20 years 00:07:23.329 --> 00:07:25.269 later, he'd say, why do you have to use that 00:07:25.269 --> 00:07:27.629 word? And it's like, are you serious? 20 years 00:07:27.629 --> 00:07:29.689 later, you're still asking me the same question? 00:07:29.970 --> 00:07:34.370 I mean, this, me. Why do I have to do this? Wait, 00:07:34.550 --> 00:07:37.149 it's just me. Why do I have to, you know, it 00:07:37.149 --> 00:07:39.220 was just different things. And it's like, You 00:07:39.220 --> 00:07:41.899 know me, just love me the way I am. And I mean, 00:07:42.360 --> 00:07:45.279 it just is one of those things. And towards the 00:07:45.279 --> 00:07:48.620 end of his life and that, he finally said, oh, 00:07:48.860 --> 00:07:50.959 yeah, you're right. You are you and there will 00:07:50.959 --> 00:07:54.319 never be another you. But that's the problem. 00:07:54.439 --> 00:07:58.319 People don't get to know you for who you are. 00:07:58.339 --> 00:08:01.240 And that's the biggest problem. That's why family 00:08:01.240 --> 00:08:06.300 dynamics don't make your family be who you want 00:08:06.300 --> 00:08:09.379 them to be or expect them to be. Allow them to 00:08:09.379 --> 00:08:14.139 be themselves and get to know them. Yeah. Yeah, 00:08:14.199 --> 00:08:18.100 well, that's well said. Family is like rings 00:08:18.100 --> 00:08:20.620 that were forced on you, you know? So it's like, 00:08:21.439 --> 00:08:23.720 you know, family, yeah, I think there's a certain 00:08:23.720 --> 00:08:26.720 level of, I know a lot about expectations last 00:08:26.720 --> 00:08:29.339 episode, but, you know, there's level expectations 00:08:29.339 --> 00:08:32.980 probably with family, them on the level. If it's 00:08:32.980 --> 00:08:35.460 your parent, if it's your sibling, if it's your 00:08:35.460 --> 00:08:37.340 extended family, right? Yeah, there's a high 00:08:37.340 --> 00:08:40.250 hierarchy. Exactly. Yes. That's the word I'm 00:08:40.250 --> 00:08:42.350 trying to find, Jen. And you already have these 00:08:42.350 --> 00:08:44.649 assumptions and maybe even expectations, which 00:08:44.649 --> 00:08:47.129 we shouldn't have. So there's that cluster right 00:08:47.129 --> 00:08:49.549 there, right? And then, you know, you guys both 00:08:49.549 --> 00:08:53.009 brought up good points about, like, kids. Kids 00:08:53.009 --> 00:08:55.330 need different things, right? Like, I like when 00:08:55.330 --> 00:08:57.889 Jen said, you know, I give each kid what they 00:08:57.889 --> 00:09:00.690 need. Thanks. Like, this kid may not need what 00:09:00.690 --> 00:09:02.509 you're giving this other kid, but you know they 00:09:02.509 --> 00:09:05.610 need it. So you do that, OK? And then Debbie, 00:09:05.889 --> 00:09:07.669 my takeaway from yours, from your discussion 00:09:07.669 --> 00:09:11.730 was the change in societal norms, you know, how 00:09:11.730 --> 00:09:14.330 we, and I think part of it is we're all as a 00:09:14.330 --> 00:09:17.230 whole kind of raising our level of consciousness, 00:09:17.230 --> 00:09:21.090 right? So I think like some of the traditional 00:09:21.090 --> 00:09:23.870 ways that we've done things like parenting, we've 00:09:23.870 --> 00:09:25.370 just done it just cause like that's just the 00:09:25.370 --> 00:09:27.870 way that we're supposed to do it, quote unquote, 00:09:28.009 --> 00:09:30.629 right? You know, that's the way our parents parent 00:09:30.629 --> 00:09:32.860 us, you know, so we just to keep on doing the 00:09:32.860 --> 00:09:34.299 same thing, but now I think now we're trying 00:09:34.299 --> 00:09:37.440 to, I think now we're getting out of that, you 00:09:37.440 --> 00:09:40.200 know, it's more of like a, we're doing things 00:09:40.200 --> 00:09:41.860 on a conscious level as far as like parenting 00:09:41.860 --> 00:09:45.159 and the way we talk, you know. Intentional. Yeah. 00:09:45.159 --> 00:09:46.840 Yeah. You know what I'm saying? Intentional, 00:09:46.940 --> 00:09:49.519 yeah. Right. So anyway, there's a lot to unpack 00:09:49.519 --> 00:09:51.419 in all this and I might need to bring this up 00:09:51.419 --> 00:09:54.100 again. It's a different show. My closing would 00:09:54.100 --> 00:09:58.019 be that I really loved Debbie, how you brought 00:09:58.019 --> 00:10:02.860 up about the individuality. of everybody. It 00:10:02.860 --> 00:10:06.659 seems like so many family dynamics. You can't 00:10:06.659 --> 00:10:09.659 tell where one begins and the other ends. They're 00:10:09.659 --> 00:10:14.840 so unhealthily enmeshed into one another. Nobody 00:10:14.840 --> 00:10:17.720 is an individual anymore. And it's like, well, 00:10:17.980 --> 00:10:20.799 I can't do this because I have to ask my family. 00:10:21.000 --> 00:10:27.799 It's like, you're 25. Why are you asking? Why 00:10:27.799 --> 00:10:30.639 do you have to go ask your family? You live by 00:10:30.639 --> 00:10:34.379 yourself, you're married. And why are you asking 00:10:34.379 --> 00:10:37.200 your family? Or they're so enmeshed with their 00:10:37.200 --> 00:10:40.539 kids that they don't have time for themselves. 00:10:40.679 --> 00:10:43.539 I think it's really important for everybody. 00:10:44.320 --> 00:10:46.340 I would just close that everybody needs to be 00:10:46.340 --> 00:10:49.220 an individual and have their me time. Kids need 00:10:49.220 --> 00:10:52.980 their me time. Moms need their me time. Everybody 00:10:52.980 --> 00:10:55.360 needs their me time so that they can have time 00:10:55.360 --> 00:10:58.309 to figure out what they want so that they know 00:10:58.309 --> 00:11:01.909 you're not projecting a future for your kids 00:11:01.909 --> 00:11:04.870 that they don't want and vice versa. That, you 00:11:04.870 --> 00:11:08.529 know, when your kids leave the house, moms and 00:11:08.529 --> 00:11:10.710 dads should be able to have their own dreams 00:11:10.710 --> 00:11:13.409 and they should want their kids to leave the 00:11:13.409 --> 00:11:15.529 house. Nobody wants a kid living in the basement 00:11:15.529 --> 00:11:19.309 until they're 45. So that's how I would end it. 00:11:20.289 --> 00:11:25.980 No, don't compare your children to. their siblings 00:11:25.980 --> 00:11:29.559 or to the neighbor's kids. Don't let them hear. 00:11:29.860 --> 00:11:33.259 Why can't you be more like so -and -so? That's 00:11:33.259 --> 00:11:36.419 the worst thing because they're not so -and -so. 00:11:36.500 --> 00:11:39.639 They don't have the same DNA. They don't live 00:11:39.639 --> 00:11:43.440 in that household. Children are different. Let 00:11:43.440 --> 00:11:46.759 them be who they are, not giving them the opportunity 00:11:46.759 --> 00:11:50.159 to strive to be themselves. And on that happy 00:11:50.159 --> 00:11:57.500 note, I'm very curious. Next time.