WEBVTT 00:00:02.439 --> 00:00:06.419 Welcome to the Unpopular Playground. We are back 00:00:06.419 --> 00:00:11.960 and we're going to be doing a series on relationship 00:00:11.960 --> 00:00:16.079 boundaries. And we're going to do four small 00:00:16.079 --> 00:00:21.059 little sections beginning with friends and setting 00:00:21.059 --> 00:00:25.539 boundaries. And Debbie is going to be our MC 00:00:25.539 --> 00:00:29.620 because she's really good at timekeeping. Say 00:00:29.620 --> 00:00:37.920 hi, Debbie. Hi, Debbie. So what is your thoughts 00:00:37.920 --> 00:00:42.119 on your relationship with friends? Debbie, I 00:00:42.119 --> 00:00:46.119 think you should start because you've gone through 00:00:46.119 --> 00:00:50.700 some things with friends and boundaries and things 00:00:50.700 --> 00:00:53.439 like that that we've had to set. And I think 00:00:53.439 --> 00:00:57.039 it'd be great for you to start off. Okay. My 00:00:57.039 --> 00:00:59.679 relationship with friends is don't get caught 00:00:59.679 --> 00:01:05.239 in the cycle. everything they want to do and 00:01:05.239 --> 00:01:09.879 they don't risk doing things you want to do. 00:01:10.459 --> 00:01:13.739 Make sure that you always have a voice in the 00:01:13.739 --> 00:01:17.859 friendship relationship. So it's got to be a 00:01:17.859 --> 00:01:20.799 50 -50, just like in any relationship, unless 00:01:20.799 --> 00:01:23.599 it's got to be communication. Once it gets to 00:01:23.599 --> 00:01:25.980 the part where you feel like you're being straddled, 00:01:26.159 --> 00:01:36.299 then it's not going that way. I like that. Ramon, 00:01:36.319 --> 00:01:39.319 what about you? Yeah, friends. You know, friends 00:01:39.319 --> 00:01:43.900 kind of come and go in our life. I think the 00:01:43.900 --> 00:01:47.140 friends that you have the closest, even long 00:01:47.140 --> 00:01:51.159 -term relationship with are our friends. There's 00:01:51.159 --> 00:01:52.819 some kind of connection there. There's something 00:01:52.819 --> 00:01:56.620 there that just keeps you guys together and connected, 00:01:56.739 --> 00:01:59.180 especially when it comes to friends that you 00:01:59.180 --> 00:02:00.819 can go for weeks and months without even talking 00:02:00.819 --> 00:02:02.980 and like... And next time you see them, it never, 00:02:03.239 --> 00:02:05.299 you know, like there was no time gap in between. 00:02:05.500 --> 00:02:09.379 So I say that to get the point across that you 00:02:09.379 --> 00:02:11.340 have to categorize your friends. You're not going 00:02:11.340 --> 00:02:15.659 to be best friends with everyone. Okay. So the 00:02:15.659 --> 00:02:22.360 boundaries are different, right? So. Yeah, I've 00:02:22.360 --> 00:02:26.099 had to do some friend purging myself because. 00:02:27.729 --> 00:02:31.129 I realized that my boundaries weren't very secure. 00:02:32.969 --> 00:02:35.909 You think that everybody is your friend and they're 00:02:35.909 --> 00:02:40.229 not. You make an arrangement with people and 00:02:40.229 --> 00:02:42.650 they say that they want to ring out. They say 00:02:42.650 --> 00:02:46.050 that they want to do this and that. And when 00:02:46.050 --> 00:02:49.469 it comes time to showing up, not everybody does 00:02:49.469 --> 00:02:53.069 show up or they just show up when they want to. 00:02:53.360 --> 00:02:55.719 or sometimes they don't even respond at all. 00:02:55.719 --> 00:02:58.879 They don't give you that respect to respond when 00:02:58.879 --> 00:03:01.180 you make an arrangement or at the last minute 00:03:01.180 --> 00:03:04.379 they keep canceling you out. And that's about 00:03:04.379 --> 00:03:06.180 the time that you need to set a boundary and 00:03:06.180 --> 00:03:09.620 figure out are they really your friends or are 00:03:09.620 --> 00:03:12.560 they just people more like acquaintances and 00:03:12.560 --> 00:03:15.060 being able to sort them into those categories 00:03:15.060 --> 00:03:19.620 like that is important or you might make an arrangement 00:03:19.620 --> 00:03:22.180 and they bring somebody else into the dynamic. 00:03:22.340 --> 00:03:25.740 You plan on just spending time talking with them 00:03:25.740 --> 00:03:28.360 and then they bring two other people or they 00:03:28.360 --> 00:03:30.560 invite other people into the mix when you just 00:03:30.560 --> 00:03:32.900 wanted to have that time to have chats and you 00:03:32.900 --> 00:03:35.599 can't have those same chats with other people 00:03:35.599 --> 00:03:38.020 around because you were counting on that time. 00:03:38.099 --> 00:03:40.860 And then it just changes the whole dynamics of 00:03:40.860 --> 00:03:43.400 everything. And then you end up being the third 00:03:43.400 --> 00:03:45.719 wheel because they've invited other people in. 00:03:46.000 --> 00:03:49.960 There's just so much. going on with that or they're 00:03:49.960 --> 00:03:54.479 just kind of fade away and It takes a long time 00:03:54.479 --> 00:03:57.300 to learn a lot of that their experience, but 00:03:57.300 --> 00:04:00.460 I think that if you're younger It's much better 00:04:00.460 --> 00:04:04.460 to figure this out Sooner so that you're able 00:04:04.460 --> 00:04:06.199 to make room for the people that you weren't 00:04:06.199 --> 00:04:10.039 in your life instead of wasting time with dead 00:04:10.039 --> 00:04:13.800 baggage People that will just use you pretty 00:04:13.800 --> 00:04:15.699 much the morning short of it. That's my take 00:04:15.699 --> 00:04:18.639 on it With friends, you have to make sure people 00:04:18.639 --> 00:04:20.480 think it's such a big deal, right? Oh, I have 00:04:20.480 --> 00:04:24.000 so many friends. Well, no, you really have so 00:04:24.000 --> 00:04:26.540 many acquaintances. A friend should be somebody 00:04:26.540 --> 00:04:30.379 that stands beside you, stands behind you, supports 00:04:30.379 --> 00:04:34.879 you, and helps you when you're down and is there 00:04:34.879 --> 00:04:38.399 for you when you need. But also when you don't 00:04:38.399 --> 00:04:40.920 talk to them for three months, they can't get 00:04:40.920 --> 00:04:44.199 mad at you and just cast you aside because like, 00:04:44.360 --> 00:04:47.319 are you in tough? we're not dressed if you're 00:04:47.319 --> 00:04:50.180 single and you start dating or get a boyfriend 00:04:50.180 --> 00:04:53.459 or girlfriend they can't be hurt by it they should 00:04:53.459 --> 00:04:56.639 be happy for you that you did this not feel like 00:04:56.639 --> 00:04:59.980 oh you left them in the dust it takes respect 00:04:59.980 --> 00:05:03.600 it takes communication and it takes trust it's 00:05:03.600 --> 00:05:06.480 a true relationship that you have with the friends 00:05:06.480 --> 00:05:12.480 and that they're able to roll with you and not 00:05:12.480 --> 00:05:16.910 just always have their hand out during the good 00:05:16.910 --> 00:05:19.810 times and then when you meet them, they disappear. 00:05:20.029 --> 00:05:21.850 There's some people that do that. Those are not 00:05:21.850 --> 00:05:24.850 your friends either. Do you have any other points 00:05:24.850 --> 00:05:27.350 on this, Ramar? Yeah, definitely. A couple of 00:05:27.350 --> 00:05:29.370 things. Throughout this entire series, our listeners 00:05:29.370 --> 00:05:31.290 and viewers are going to notice a theme. And 00:05:31.290 --> 00:05:34.329 at least for me, about focusing on self, like 00:05:34.329 --> 00:05:37.410 that's been my big lesson in life. Other than 00:05:37.410 --> 00:05:39.170 communication, right? That's like the obvious 00:05:39.170 --> 00:05:43.490 ones. between friends but when you focus on yourself 00:05:43.490 --> 00:05:45.389 it always comes back to you no matter what so 00:05:45.389 --> 00:05:47.509 then it's hard for you to get disappointed or 00:05:47.509 --> 00:05:50.350 hurt when you don't have the expectations right 00:05:50.350 --> 00:05:52.389 so like that's what i like about what gary v 00:05:52.389 --> 00:05:55.550 says about you know not having expectations from 00:05:55.550 --> 00:05:58.069 other people if you have a best friend of like 00:05:58.069 --> 00:06:01.470 20 years you guys have that bond right then maybe 00:06:01.470 --> 00:06:04.129 your expectations will look a little different 00:06:04.129 --> 00:06:06.350 and maybe that really expectations is just you 00:06:06.350 --> 00:06:09.110 know how it is like you guys just know how it 00:06:09.110 --> 00:06:12.550 is between you two right but Even then, I think 00:06:12.550 --> 00:06:15.910 anyone who's emotionally, mentally, spiritually 00:06:15.910 --> 00:06:18.009 mature and has their head on their shoulders, 00:06:18.329 --> 00:06:20.670 right, is always gonna bring it back to themselves. 00:06:21.350 --> 00:06:23.930 And so, you know, the focus is always on like 00:06:23.930 --> 00:06:26.069 not what other people are doing to like hurt 00:06:26.069 --> 00:06:28.370 you or disappoint you, but what are you doing 00:06:28.370 --> 00:06:30.310 to take care of yourself and love yourself and 00:06:30.310 --> 00:06:33.189 live your best life, right? So I think just, 00:06:33.189 --> 00:06:36.790 you know, expectations are a big thing. Exactly. 00:06:37.910 --> 00:06:40.220 Or not half of them. I should say to clear it 00:06:40.220 --> 00:06:42.120 up. You know, not having expectations from other 00:06:42.120 --> 00:06:43.959 people that you don't have from yourself. First 00:06:43.959 --> 00:06:45.980 of all, people are going to disappoint you, hurt 00:06:45.980 --> 00:06:48.319 you, even when they don't mean to. Sometimes 00:06:48.319 --> 00:06:50.500 it's just how you take it. That come from your 00:06:50.500 --> 00:06:53.920 parents, your friends, whoever. So I think a 00:06:53.920 --> 00:06:55.740 lot of times it's like, well, how are you taking 00:06:55.740 --> 00:06:57.660 it? Always bring it back to you and not have 00:06:57.660 --> 00:07:00.519 expectations. It's a kind of bulletproof way 00:07:00.519 --> 00:07:03.220 for you to not so easily get hurt or disappointed. 00:07:03.699 --> 00:07:05.500 I mean, joking, we're going to have those kind 00:07:05.500 --> 00:07:08.069 of emotions, but it won't be as easy. when you 00:07:08.069 --> 00:07:09.870 make it about you and not have expertise about 00:07:09.870 --> 00:07:13.029 what you want from that person or what you expect 00:07:13.029 --> 00:07:15.529 from them as a friend. It's always nice if somebody 00:07:15.529 --> 00:07:18.490 does do or say something that hurts you. It's 00:07:18.490 --> 00:07:21.069 always nice to come from your point and just 00:07:21.069 --> 00:07:23.329 say, you know, what you did or what you said, 00:07:23.449 --> 00:07:26.790 I felt really bad or I felt hurt. Not that you're 00:07:26.790 --> 00:07:29.290 accusing them of doing it, but how it made you 00:07:29.290 --> 00:07:31.550 feel. This way, it gives them the opportunity 00:07:31.550 --> 00:07:34.709 to say, oh, wow, that's not how I meant it. Well, 00:07:34.949 --> 00:08:04.800 I'd be open for you. Yeah, that's really good 00:08:04.800 --> 00:08:07.240 for you to be about when you clear it up and 00:08:07.240 --> 00:08:11.240 you just don't make assumptions about what somebody 00:08:11.240 --> 00:08:13.819 else is thinking. And then what I hate too is 00:08:13.819 --> 00:08:17.060 when I do try to clear it up with somebody and 00:08:17.060 --> 00:08:19.839 they, you know, want to make comparisons to something 00:08:19.839 --> 00:08:23.180 else or, oh, I was just joking. I was just this, 00:08:23.699 --> 00:08:26.620 you're too sensitive. But people start saying 00:08:26.620 --> 00:08:30.379 that it makes it really hard because it invalidates 00:08:30.379 --> 00:08:33.480 everything that I've said. And it just means 00:08:33.480 --> 00:08:35.889 that they don't care. That's the way I take that. 00:08:36.289 --> 00:08:39.070 There's a great book that I read that I definitely 00:08:39.070 --> 00:08:43.049 want to go over sometime. It ties into listening, 00:08:43.309 --> 00:08:47.210 teaching people how to listen, how you want them 00:08:47.210 --> 00:08:50.809 to listen and, you know, to you. It's like, I 00:08:50.809 --> 00:08:54.769 want you to listen to see how I'm feeling as 00:08:54.769 --> 00:08:57.830 opposed to I want to listen for you to solve 00:08:57.830 --> 00:09:00.690 all my problems. Right. If they're listening 00:09:00.690 --> 00:09:04.259 in the right way, then they're not going to Jump 00:09:04.259 --> 00:09:06.820 in with solutions when you just want to be heard 00:09:06.820 --> 00:09:10.299 and that only other thing that I would finish 00:09:10.299 --> 00:09:12.639 with is if you're gonna make friends with somebody 00:09:12.639 --> 00:09:16.360 or you're testing out a new friend is to make 00:09:16.360 --> 00:09:22.159 sure to See how they act when you set a boundary 00:09:22.159 --> 00:09:28.179 if you say no and they freak out and get upset 00:09:28.179 --> 00:09:33.240 I Think a lot of times they'll do that and they're 00:09:33.240 --> 00:09:36.059 testing your boundaries to see how far they can 00:09:36.059 --> 00:09:39.980 go. And if you let down your boundary, just because 00:09:39.980 --> 00:09:44.620 they had a little BF, then they're going to keep 00:09:44.620 --> 00:09:48.000 on marching all over you. And you're teaching 00:09:48.000 --> 00:09:51.799 them that they can do whatever they want with 00:09:51.799 --> 00:09:55.580 you with no boundaries. Hold your boundaries. 00:09:55.820 --> 00:09:58.580 That would be my final thing with friendship. 00:09:59.360 --> 00:10:03.539 Perfect. Well said. I think that pretty much 00:10:03.539 --> 00:10:08.860 covers our talk on friendship. So stay curious 00:10:08.860 --> 00:10:13.500 and join us for the next part of our four part 00:10:13.500 --> 00:10:18.200 series on relationship boundaries. Keep shining 00:10:18.200 --> 00:10:19.600 guys. Bye.