Welcome to the Unpopular Playground. We are back
and we're going to be doing a series on relationship
boundaries. And we're going to do four small
little sections beginning with friends and setting
boundaries. And Debbie is going to be our MC
because she's really good at timekeeping. Say
hi, Debbie. Hi, Debbie. So what is your thoughts
on your relationship with friends? Debbie, I
think you should start because you've gone through
some things with friends and boundaries and things
like that that we've had to set. And I think
it'd be great for you to start off. Okay. My
relationship with friends is don't get caught
in the cycle. everything they want to do and
they don't risk doing things you want to do.
Make sure that you always have a voice in the
friendship relationship. So it's got to be a
50 -50, just like in any relationship, unless
it's got to be communication. Once it gets to
the part where you feel like you're being straddled,
then it's not going that way. I like that. Ramon,
what about you? Yeah, friends. You know, friends
kind of come and go in our life. I think the
friends that you have the closest, even long
-term relationship with are our friends. There's
some kind of connection there. There's something
there that just keeps you guys together and connected,
especially when it comes to friends that you
can go for weeks and months without even talking
and like... And next time you see them, it never,
you know, like there was no time gap in between.
So I say that to get the point across that you
have to categorize your friends. You're not going
to be best friends with everyone. Okay. So the
boundaries are different, right? So. Yeah, I've
had to do some friend purging myself because.
I realized that my boundaries weren't very secure.
You think that everybody is your friend and they're
not. You make an arrangement with people and
they say that they want to ring out. They say
that they want to do this and that. And when
it comes time to showing up, not everybody does
show up or they just show up when they want to.
or sometimes they don't even respond at all.
They don't give you that respect to respond when
you make an arrangement or at the last minute
they keep canceling you out. And that's about
the time that you need to set a boundary and
figure out are they really your friends or are
they just people more like acquaintances and
being able to sort them into those categories
like that is important or you might make an arrangement
and they bring somebody else into the dynamic.
You plan on just spending time talking with them
and then they bring two other people or they
invite other people into the mix when you just
wanted to have that time to have chats and you
can't have those same chats with other people
around because you were counting on that time.
And then it just changes the whole dynamics of
everything. And then you end up being the third
wheel because they've invited other people in.
There's just so much. going on with that or they're
just kind of fade away and It takes a long time
to learn a lot of that their experience, but
I think that if you're younger It's much better
to figure this out Sooner so that you're able
to make room for the people that you weren't
in your life instead of wasting time with dead
baggage People that will just use you pretty
much the morning short of it. That's my take
on it With friends, you have to make sure people
think it's such a big deal, right? Oh, I have
so many friends. Well, no, you really have so
many acquaintances. A friend should be somebody
that stands beside you, stands behind you, supports
you, and helps you when you're down and is there
for you when you need. But also when you don't
talk to them for three months, they can't get
mad at you and just cast you aside because like,
are you in tough? we're not dressed if you're
single and you start dating or get a boyfriend
or girlfriend they can't be hurt by it they should
be happy for you that you did this not feel like
oh you left them in the dust it takes respect
it takes communication and it takes trust it's
a true relationship that you have with the friends
and that they're able to roll with you and not
just always have their hand out during the good
times and then when you meet them, they disappear.
There's some people that do that. Those are not
your friends either. Do you have any other points
on this, Ramar? Yeah, definitely. A couple of
things. Throughout this entire series, our listeners
and viewers are going to notice a theme. And
at least for me, about focusing on self, like
that's been my big lesson in life. Other than
communication, right? That's like the obvious
ones. between friends but when you focus on yourself
it always comes back to you no matter what so
then it's hard for you to get disappointed or
hurt when you don't have the expectations right
so like that's what i like about what gary v
says about you know not having expectations from
other people if you have a best friend of like
20 years you guys have that bond right then maybe
your expectations will look a little different
and maybe that really expectations is just you
know how it is like you guys just know how it
is between you two right but Even then, I think
anyone who's emotionally, mentally, spiritually
mature and has their head on their shoulders,
right, is always gonna bring it back to themselves.
And so, you know, the focus is always on like
not what other people are doing to like hurt
you or disappoint you, but what are you doing
to take care of yourself and love yourself and
live your best life, right? So I think just,
you know, expectations are a big thing. Exactly.
Or not half of them. I should say to clear it
up. You know, not having expectations from other
people that you don't have from yourself. First
of all, people are going to disappoint you, hurt
you, even when they don't mean to. Sometimes
it's just how you take it. That come from your
parents, your friends, whoever. So I think a
lot of times it's like, well, how are you taking
it? Always bring it back to you and not have
expectations. It's a kind of bulletproof way
for you to not so easily get hurt or disappointed.
I mean, joking, we're going to have those kind
of emotions, but it won't be as easy. when you
make it about you and not have expertise about
what you want from that person or what you expect
from them as a friend. It's always nice if somebody
does do or say something that hurts you. It's
always nice to come from your point and just
say, you know, what you did or what you said,
I felt really bad or I felt hurt. Not that you're
accusing them of doing it, but how it made you
feel. This way, it gives them the opportunity
to say, oh, wow, that's not how I meant it. Well,
I'd be open for you. Yeah, that's really good
for you to be about when you clear it up and
you just don't make assumptions about what somebody
else is thinking. And then what I hate too is
when I do try to clear it up with somebody and
they, you know, want to make comparisons to something
else or, oh, I was just joking. I was just this,
you're too sensitive. But people start saying
that it makes it really hard because it invalidates
everything that I've said. And it just means
that they don't care. That's the way I take that.
There's a great book that I read that I definitely
want to go over sometime. It ties into listening,
teaching people how to listen, how you want them
to listen and, you know, to you. It's like, I
want you to listen to see how I'm feeling as
opposed to I want to listen for you to solve
all my problems. Right. If they're listening
in the right way, then they're not going to Jump
in with solutions when you just want to be heard
and that only other thing that I would finish
with is if you're gonna make friends with somebody
or you're testing out a new friend is to make
sure to See how they act when you set a boundary
if you say no and they freak out and get upset
I Think a lot of times they'll do that and they're
testing your boundaries to see how far they can
go. And if you let down your boundary, just because
they had a little BF, then they're going to keep
on marching all over you. And you're teaching
them that they can do whatever they want with
you with no boundaries. Hold your boundaries.
That would be my final thing with friendship.
Perfect. Well said. I think that pretty much
covers our talk on friendship. So stay curious
and join us for the next part of our four part
series on relationship boundaries. Keep shining
guys. Bye.