Hey, everyone, and welcome to the show. You know
how sometimes you think you've got someone all
figured out, like, you know what makes them tick?
And then, bam, they do something that just totally
throws you for a loop. It's like, whoa, where
did that come from? Yeah, exactly. Like, you
thought you knew them, but clearly you were missing
something. And it can be like a bit of a wake
-up call, right? It can be a big one for sure.
So today we're going to dive deep into this whole
idea of reading people, like, what it actually
takes to understand someone beyond just, like,
you know. surface level stuff. It's a fascinating
topic and it's something we all do whether we
realize it or not. We're constantly trying to
interpret the actions and motivations of others.
Right. It's like we're all amateur detectives
in a way. Exactly. So for this deep dive we've
gathered insights from a whole bunch of sources
like psychology behavioral science even some
stuff on body language and micro expressions.
We're going to unpack why we often get it wrong.
You know those misjudgments we make. And then
look at some practical techniques for becoming
better at this whole reading people thing. Yeah,
because let's face it, being able to understand
people, it's a pretty valuable skill in just
about every aspect of life, right? Oh, absolutely.
In our relationships at work, even just navigating
social situations, it can make a huge difference.
So let's start with the basics. Like, why are
we so bad at this sometimes? Why do we misread
people so often? Well, you know, one of the biggest
reasons is that we're all coming from our own
unique perspective. Right. Right. We've got our
own experience. experiences, our own beliefs,
our own biases that color how we see the world.
So it's like we're all looking through slightly
different lenses. Exactly. And that's why you
can have two people witness the same event and
come away with completely different interpretations.
Like that story from one of the sources about
the political joke that was told at a party.
Right. One person thought it was hilarious. The
other was totally offended. Same joke, different
perspectives. Which also shows how powerful context
is, right? Like what's funny in one situation
could be totally inappropriate in another. Absolutely.
Context is key. And another big mistake we often
make is putting too much emphasis on what people
say, you know, their words. Oh, yeah. We tend
to focus on the verbal while ignoring the nonverbal
cues, which is a huge mistake because so much
of communication is actually nonverbal. How much
are we talking here? The research shows that
only about 7 % of communication is conveyed through
the actual words we use. 7%. That's it. Yeah.
The rest comes from body language, which is about
55%. Yeah. And tone of voice, which makes up
about 38%. So basically we're missing like over
90 % of the message if we're only paying attention
to what's being said. Exactly. And that's why
we can't just take words at face value. We have
to look at the whole picture, the body language,
the tone of voice. The context. Like when someone
says, I'm fine, but their body language is screaming
otherwise. Classic example. Their shoulders are
slumped, their eyes are downcast, their voice
is flat. And we all know they're definitely not
fine. Not even close. So the sources really emphasize
that we have to move beyond relying on single
cues or just our gut feeling. It's about looking
for patterns and clusters of behavior over time.
Like if someone is constantly fidgeting, avoiding
eye contact, and speaking in a hesitant tone.
that's a pretty good indicator that they might
be anxious or uncomfortable. Right. It's about
putting the pieces of the puzzle together. And
speaking of cues, let's talk about the role of
culture, because cultural differences can have
a huge impact on how we interpret behavior. Oh,
absolutely. What's considered polite or acceptable
in one culture could be totally different in
another. Like the example from the sources about
eye contact in America versus Japan. Right. In
America, making direct eye contact is seen as
a sign of respect and engagement. But in some
Asian cultures, it can be perceived as aggressive
or challenging. So it's easy to see how misinterpretations
can happen. Especially if we're not aware of
these cultural differences. And this is where
the idea of establishing a baseline comes in,
right? Exactly. We need to understand what's
normal behavior for a particular individual in
a particular context so we can recognize when
they deviate from that norm. Like in the job
interview example, someone who's normally outgoing
and confident might seem nervous and withdrawn.
But that doesn't necessarily mean they're not
qualified for the job. They might just be reacting
to the pressure of the situation. So establishing
that baseline helps us separate the signal from
the noise, so to speak. Precisely. Okay, so we've
talked about the challenges of objectivity, the
importance of nonverbal cues, and the role of
culture. Now, let's dig into the driving force
behind all human behavior motivation. Everyone
acts for a reason, even if that reason isn't
always obvious. So how do we even begin to understand
these hidden motivations? Well, one of the most
fascinating concepts we came across is Carl Jung's
idea of the shadow. the shadow what's that it's
basically the parts of ourselves that we reject
or repress those aspects of our personality that
we deem unacceptable or undesirable like our
fears our insecurities or anger exactly these
are the things we try to hide from the world
and even from ourselves but they don't just disappear
do they no they lurk in the shadows of our unconscious
mind and they can influence our behavior in subtle
and sometimes not so subtle ways And this leads
to the idea of shadow projection, right? Exactly.
It's when we unconsciously attribute our own
shadow qualities onto other people. So, for example,
someone who is secretly insecure about their
own intelligence might constantly criticize others
for being stupid. That's a classic example. They're
projecting their own insecurity onto someone
else. So the things we judge most harshly in
others might actually be reflections of our own
hidden struggles. That's a powerful insight,
isn't it? It is. Makes you think twice about
those knee -jerk judgments we all make. And it
also highlights the importance of self -awareness.
The more we understand our own shadow, the less
likely we are to project it onto others. Now,
another interesting lens for understanding motivation
is the concept of the inner child. This is the
idea that many of our adult behaviors and reactions
are rooted in our childhood experiences. So those
unresolved childhood wounds can continue to shape
how we interact with the world. Absolutely. And
that's why someone might overreact to a seemingly
minor event or have a disproportionate emotion.
response it's like they're reacting from that
hurt inner child part of themselves exactly and
understanding this can help us respond with more
compassion and empathy now let's talk about one
of the most fundamental motivators the pleasure
principle this is the idea that we're all hardwired
to seek pleasure and avoid pain sounds pretty
basic it is but it's incredibly powerful It drives
so much of our behavior from the food we eat
to the relationships we choose. And what's interesting
is that the sources point out that the avoidance
of pain is often a stronger motivator than the
pursuit of pleasure. That's a really important
point. They use the analogy of a desert road
with a potential treasure chest on one side and
a speeding truck on the other. Most people would
instinctively choose to avoid the truck. even
if it meant missing out on the treasure. It's
self -preservation, right? Exactly. The drive
to avoid pain is often more immediate and visceral
than the desire for potential reward. Makes sense.
And the sources also touch on Maslow's hierarchy
of needs as another framework for understanding
motivation. Right. Maslow's theory suggests that
we have a hierarchy of needs, starting with the
most basic physiological needs like food and
shelter. And as those needs are met, we move
up the pyramid to higher level needs like belonging,
self -esteem and ultimately self -actualization.
Exactly. And the idea is that until those lower
level needs are met, we're not going to be as
motivated by those higher level needs. Like if
you're struggling to put food on the table, you're
probably not going to be focused on pursuing
your creative passions. Right. Your priorities
are going to be dictated by those most pressing
needs. Now let's talk about the ego because the
ego plays a huge role in motivation, particularly
in what the sources call the defense of the ego.
The ego is all about protecting itself from feeling
wrong or inadequate. So it's constantly trying
to maintain a sense of self -worth. Exactly.
And it does this by employing a whole range of
defense mechanisms. Defense mechanisms. What
are some examples? Well, there's denial, where
we simply refuse to acknowledge reality. Like
the smoker who insists that cigarettes aren't
really that bad for them? Exactly. Then there's
rationalization, where we create excuses for
our behavior to make it seem more acceptable.
Like the classic sour grapes analogy. Right.
The fox who can't reach the grapes decides they
were probably sour anyway. Makes him feel better
about not getting them. Exactly. Then there's
displacement, where we redirect our emotions
onto a less threatening target. Like yelling
at your spouse after a frustrating day at work.
Right, or kicking the dog when you're angry at
your boss. Not cool, but we've all been there.
Then there's projection, where we attribute our
own unwanted qualities onto others. Like the
cheater who constantly accuses their partner
of being unfaithful. Right. They're projecting
their own guilt and infidelity onto someone else.
Then there's reaction formation, where we behave
in a way that's opposite to our true feelings.
Like the homophobic politician who is later revealed
to be gay. That's a classic example. They're
overcompensating for their own internal conflict.
Then there's regression where we revert to childlike
behavior when we're stressed or threatened. Like
throwing a tantrum when we don't get our way.
And finally there's sublimation where we channel
our unacceptable impulses into more socially
acceptable outlets. Like the aggressive person
who becomes a boxer. Exactly. So all of these
defense mechanisms are ways that the ego tries
to protect itself from anxiety and maintain a
sense of self -worth. And recognizing these mechanisms
in action can be really helpful in understanding
people's behavior. Absolutely. It gives us a
glimpse into their underlying motivations and
fears. All right, let's move on to a different
form of communication. Now, body language. The
sources emphasize that our bodies often reveal
more than our words. Oh, yeah. Body language
is a powerful form of nonverbal communication,
and it's often more truthful than our carefully
crafted words. So what are some key things to
look for? Well, one of the most fascinating areas
is microexpressions. These are fleeting facial
expressions that last for just a fraction of
a second. Like a quick flash of anger or disgust.
Exactly. They're involuntary. And they often
betray our true feelings even when we're trying
to hide them. So it's like our face is leaking
information. In a way, yes. And Paul Ekman's
research identified six universal emotions that
are expressed through microexpressions. Happiness.
sadness, fear, anger, surprise, and disgust.
So if we can learn to recognize these micro expressions,
we can get a better sense of what someone is
really feeling. Exactly. And it's not just the
face. Our entire body communicates our posture,
our gestures, our movements. So what are some
of the things our body language can tell us?
Well, for example, when we're feeling confident
and comfortable, we tend to take up more space.
We expand our posture. Like standing tall with
our shoulders back. Exactly. But when we're feeling
threatened or insecure, we tend to contract our
body, make ourselves smaller. Like hunching over
or crossing our arms. Right. And our movements
can also be very telling. Like leaning in during
a conversation versus leaning back. Exactly.
Leaning in shows interest and engagement, while
leaning back can signal disinterest or discomfort.
And then there are all those little self -soothing
gestures that we do when we're feeling anxious
or under pressure. Like touching our face, rubbing
our neck, fiddling with our hair. These are called
pacifying behaviors, right? Exactly. They're
our body's way of trying to calm ourselves down
when we're feeling stressed. So if someone is
constantly touching their face or adjusting their
clothing, it could be a sign that they're feeling
nervous or uncomfortable. It's definitely something
to pay attention to. OK, so we've got all these
individual verbal and non -verbal cues, but the
sources emphasize that truly reading people is
about putting it all together. It's about observing
the whole person in context. And it's about recognizing
that everyone has their own unique baseline behavior.
Exactly. So what might be a sign of deception
in one person could be perfectly normal for another.
And one of the biggest red flags is incongruence
between someone's words and their body language.
Right, when what they're saying doesn't match
up with how they're acting. Like saying you're
not angry but clenching your jaw and avoiding
eye contact. Exactly, that's a... Pretty clear
sign that something else is going on. And the
sources also highlight the importance of mirroring
how we tend to unconsciously mimic the behavior
of people we like or agree with. So if you're
having a conversation with someone and they're
mirroring your body language, it could be a sign
that they're feeling rapport with you. But if
they're not mirroring you, it could indicate
a lack of connection or even resistance. It's
a subtle but powerful cue. And another interesting
point from the sources is about paying attention
to the energy dynamics within a group. It's not
always the person with the loudest voice or the
highest title who holds the real power. So it's
about observing who people are gravitating towards,
who they're deferring to. Exactly. Those subtle
cues can reveal the true social hierarchy. And
as we've said before, context is everything.
We can't interpret any behavior in isolation.
We have to consider the situation. the relationship
between the individuals, the cultural norms.
Sometimes we need to make quick judgments and
the sources touch on the idea of thin slicing.
This is our ability to make surprisingly accurate
assessments based on very brief observations.
Like that art expert who could instantly spot
a forgery. Exactly. Or Gottman's research where
he could predict with high accuracy whether a
couple would stay together based on just a few
minutes of observing their interactions. So our
gut feeling can be surprisingly accurate sometimes.
It can be. but it's important to remember that
it's just a starting point. We still need to
gather more information and look for supporting
evidence. Exactly. Thin slicing is more of a
hypothesis that needs to be tested. Now, beyond
body language, the sources also explore how we
can decode words' appearance and even our environment
to gain insights into people. Starting with words,
the words we choose can reveal a lot about our
personality, our emotional state. and even our
intentions. Like how the frequency of using first
-person pronouns can be correlated with self
-focus or narcissism. And the use of negative
emotion words can be linked to neuroticism or
anxiety. And even the choice of we versus I can
be telling. Right, we suggests a more collectivist
mindset while I... indicates a more individualistic
approach. And it's not just the words themselves,
but also the way we structure our sentences,
the tone we use, the level of formality. All
of these linguistic cues can provide subtle insights
into the speaker's inner world. And then there's
our appearance, how we dress and groom ourselves.
Our clothing choices can communicate our identity,
our status, our values, even our personality
traits. Like the classic example of the power
suit. Right. It projects an image of confidence
and authority. And even something as simple as
the colors we wear can have an impact. Absolutely.
Certain colors are associated with certain emotions
and personality traits. So our appearance is
definitely a form of nonverbal communication.
It's how we present ourselves to the world. And
then there's our environment, our homes, our
offices, our cars. Our surroundings can be seen
as extensions of ourselves. They reflect our
preferences, our values, our personalities. Like
the person who has a perfectly organized and
minimalist home. That might suggest a need for
control and order. While the person with a cluttered
and eclectic home might be more creative and
free spirited. Exactly. And Gosley's research
on the psychology of stuff is fascinating. He
categorizes our possessions as identity claims,
feeling regulators and behavioral residue. Identity
claims are objects that we use to communicate
who we are to the world. Like diplomas, awards,
trophies. Feeling regulators are objects that
help us manage our emotions. Like photos of loved
ones or sentimental items. And behavioral residue
is the traces of our past behavior that are left
behind in our environment. Like the piles of
books on our nightstand or the empty coffee cups
on our desk. All of these objects can provide
clues about the person who inhabits that space.
And in today's digital world, we can't forget
about online behavior. Social media can be a
treasure trove of information about people's
personalities, values, and interests. Even though
people often present an idealized version of
themselves online. True, but their true selves
still tend to shine through in content they share,
the groups they join, the way they interact with
others. So far, we focus mostly on passive observation,
but the sources also highlight the power of active
observation, using questions to gain insight
into people. Asking the right questions can be
incredibly revealing. But it's not about asking
just any questions. It's about asking open -ended,
thought -provoking questions. Exactly. Questions
that encourage people to reflect and share their
inner world. Like instead of asking, what do
you do for work? Ask what gets you excited about
your job. Or instead of asking, what are your
hobbies? Ask what activities make you lose track
of time. The sources provide a whole toolkit
of these kinds of questions. Like asking about
someone's biggest splurges versus their most...
diligent savings habits. Or what they would rescue
from a burning building. Or what they would do
if they won the lottery. Or what advice they
would give their younger selves. All of these
questions can elicit surprisingly profound and
revealing answers. And they can help us understand
people on a much deeper level. Absolutely. Finally,
let's touch on the topic of lie detection. This
is a tricky one because, as the sources point
out, most people are not very good at detecting
lies. Even trained professionals. That's right.
Relying on those classic tells like shifty eyes
or fidgeting is often unreliable. So what's the
best approach? Well, the sources suggest that
effective lie detection is more about observing
the overall interaction and looking for inconsistencies.
Like changes in their baseline behavior. Exactly.
Or contradictions in their story. And using open
-ended questions and strategic information withholding
can be helpful. Right. It gives the person more
opportunities to trip themselves up. And introducing
an element of surprise can also be effective.
Like asking an unexpected question or changing
the subject abruptly. This can disrupt a rehearsed
narrative and make it harder for them to maintain
the lie. So it's really about being a keen observer,
paying attention to both the verbal and nonverbal
cues, and looking for those subtle signs of deception.
And remember, even the best lie detectors are
not always right. So it's important to trust
our gut feeling. but also to be aware of its
limitations. Exactly. So as we wrap up this deep
dive into reading people, it's clear that it's
a complex and nuanced skill. It's about being
aware of our own biases. It's about paying attention
to both the verbal and nonverbal cues. It's about
understanding the power of context and individual
differences. And it's about being willing to
ask questions and really listen to the answers.
It's a lifelong journey of learning and discovery.
And the more we learn about how to read people,
the more effectively we can navigate our relationships,
our careers, and our lives. Absolutely. It's
a skill that can benefit us all. So I encourage
you to take some of the insights from this deep
dive and start applying them in your own life.
Pay attention to the people around you. Observe
their behavior. Listen to their words and ask
thoughtful questions. You might be surprised
by what you learn. And remember, understanding
people is not about judging them. It's about
connecting with them on a deeper level. Thanks
for joining us for this deep dive into the fascinating
world of reading people. It's been a pleasure.
And until next time, keep observing, keep learning
and keep connecting.