Jayne: Hello, Heather.
Heather: Hi Jayne.
Jayne: Hello friends, and welcome to People in The Squeeze. So Heather, I understand you had a, book reading. How did that go?
Heather: Oh my gosh. So wonderful. So I got to be with professional women in the healthcare sPACE, and it was just phenomenal to be able to meet people where they were. So some were in the squeeze clearly, like my first joke about have you ever been in a Zoom meeting and your phone starts to ring and you see it's your parent and do you are trying to decide whether you take the call or not, and just the roar of laughter and, and then, you know, other jokes that came along later where, this is not my circus yet but know it's [00:01:00] coming. Once we talked about the stages of aging, this unnamed life stage how alone we feel, how overwhelming unsupported all these pieces. And you could just see like shoulders were dropping and like people were breathing deeper and it was like oh this, this is me. Kind of like when we started the podcast and someone came up and said, "oh, I listened to your podcast. And I was like, oh, this is me." Like this is a yes moment. And it, so it was wonderful. And I, the part that was also wonderful that I wasn't sure that you and I had really fully prepared for ourselves in that time was the desire to connect and share their stories.
Right. And so everyone had their story, their experience that connected to the person sitting next to them. So it, it was beautiful and it was all that we had hoped for in our effort around creating people in the squeeze is connection and feeling [00:02:00] supported and helping people be equipped to know what lies around the corner that we don't talk about.
So it was pretty awesome.
Jayne: That is awesome. I love that there's energy and that people could connect with it right away. What were some of the things that kind of came up during that conversation?
Heather: Well, in some of the stories that I told I think of the one that resonated strongly was, you know, me crying in Costco because I don't know what size adult diapers to get. And then me crying in Costco because the adult diapers are on sale. And I'm trying to do the math of, do I buy five boxes, four boxes, three boxes?
And then me with said Costco adult diapers in the car, picking up my daughter at the high school, forgetting about said adult diapers in the car. Pulling up to the high school, opening the door, and there are the adult diapers. And my daughter is horrified because moms got adult [00:03:00] diapers.
I'm trying to think where I shared more of my own personal story and you know, that that was new for me. That was, that was hard for me. Being able to move from shame to sharing, right? These are pieces and stories that I may have shared with you, but not, not others.
And then to see heads nodding. We had the podcast on the hot dog buns in the fridge. That was one of the pieces when we talked about the adolescence of aging and the, the decline, the defiance, and then just the, the hygiene and the ability to care for self.
And so I shared more openly about what that experience was like for me personally and someone from the audience raise her hand right away and like I totally get that. Like I had that exact same experience of, I used to drop my mom off at the door. She always used to, you know, make me drop her off at the door and then one day unexpectedly because her caregiver couldn't be there.
I had to stay with [00:04:00] her for a couple weeks and I was inside the house and it was stunning. Stunning the discovery, right? And so I talk about, you know, the importance of going into the home, going into the kitchen, going into the bedroom, going into the bathroom, like what is there? And so to have that even, for me personally, it was very powerful.
And I know it was powerful for her. And others in the room were like. I dropped my mom off, I dropped my parents off at the door. I've not been in the, so it, it, it was again, the, and we've heard from other people who work in this sPACE, have worked in this sPACE for a long time, and they say the intelligence and the experience is in the room.
It's just, we don't talk about it. And so to be able to say this is real. This is normal. Right? I always hear your voice, Jayne, around "we need to normalize this" was very powerful and I, and I hope it's something that we can create for others. Because we, we need to know [00:05:00] this. Yeah, we need to 
Jayne: Well, not only do we need to know it, we need to be prepared for it. We need to anticipate it. We need to even just, I think, intuitively expect it. And when we have all of those things, when we understand that the adolescence of aging is part of this natural life stage of just moving from independence, right? As an adult into a place where we just are, are needing more supports and we understand and appreciate and honor that transition we see it differently. We see it as more of a rite of passage. It just seems to me like this is something that we can do as a society to not only support our aging parents, but also support ourselves in helping our aging parents.
Heather: Right. When we know what the path is or paths might look like, the level of [00:06:00] stress drops. And so, to be able to know, oh, like this, this was this person's experience, this was this person's experience, what can I be learning from them? What can I be knowing might be on the horizon?
So when it arrives at your front door, when it drops in your lap, oh, I remember that story that so-and-so was telling me, and I know I can do this. We talk about the sacrifices in silver linings and with our own children, right? Because it's hard on our families. And I was talking with my oldest daughter and I said, "oh gosh, you know, something happened and it was just hard."
And she goes, mom, this reminds me of something I learned from my soccer days. And she said, you know, these events happen to us. And the, the variable of of E is the event, R is the reaction. Our reaction to it drives the outcome. And I'm like, oh, that's our book. I was like, that's exactly, [00:07:00] you're giving me language, right?
She gave me language to know if I can know what some of those events might look like. And if I can be able to shift mindset that we talk about in, in our book of how we respond to that, what's our reaction? Then maybe it'll be a better outcome. And, and that's what I'm really hoping for,
right? Better outcomes, Jayne. 
Jayne: Yes. Better outcomes. E plus R equals O. E plus R equals O. Now that's a great place for us to like take a moment to center ourselves and get our sPACE, our headsPACE calm. I have found an oldie but a goodie. Has been really useful for me these last couple weeks.
Box breathing. I'll tell you what, you never really realize the power of a, a breathing practice until you have to put it in play and then you feel the effects of it. [00:08:00] So I wanna just say to all the people who are naysayers about meditation or breathing, or haven't given this a go. If you find yourself in a minute where you are feeling really, really either upset and or the tears are flowing or you're feeling a lot of anxiety, we're gonna do a breathing exercise called box breathing that is going to be a magic trick for you. It is going to be a miracle. So just put it in your back pocket and save it. Box breathing works by simply just breathing in and out. We breathe in for the count of four. We hold our breath for a count of four. We exhale for a count of four, and we hold for a count of four.
And you do that three times in a row and you will feel the physical manifestation of that [00:09:00] practice. So we are gonna start by breathing in for a count of four. Hold for four. Exhale for four. Hold for four. Inhale for four. Hold for four. Exhale for four. Hold for four. One more time. Inhale for four.
Hold for four. Exhale for four. Hold for four and then just resume breathing. Normally [00:10:00] I'm not even wound up and I feel more calm.
Heather: Oh, it's so good. Mm-hmm.
Jayne: It is. It is magically delicious. Yes it is. Well, you know, you really alluded to this earlier, Ms. Heather.
Heather: Yes.
Jayne: The storms have hit, the storms have hit, the storms have hit, it's been a heck of a couple weeks. And, but you know I'm so grateful for all the work and all that we know about this life stage because I tell you, I have put everything in practice,
Heather: Mm.
Jayne: Starting with really just sensing that something might be off.
Heather: Mm-hmm.
Jayne: Out of respect for all the people involved, I'm probably not gonna get into too much detail, but I will describe the situation where there was just a knowing right, in phone conversations, a knowing that something was [00:11:00] shifting, and really a lot of uncertainty of what that meant.
I sort of thought it was part of a natural process of aging. Aging has been described as a plateau that has a step down. It's not a gradual thing. There's a step down and then you plateau and then you have another step. And I thought, okay, well maybe we're having a step down.
So made arrangements to go back and visit. 'cause I was like, I gotta see it,
Heather: Gotta see it.
Get in there.
Jayne: I gotta get in the house. I gotta see what's going on. 'cause there's a lot of masking that can happen over the phone. 
Heather: Mm.
Jayne: There's a lot of, I'm fine. Everything's okay. Nothing's a problem.
Yep, I'm eating. Yep. I'm doing this. Yep. I've got this done. Yep. Everything's good. Okay, great. Well, when you spidey sense tingles and you start [00:12:00] to think, okay, well I know you and something doesn't feel right, so I'm gonna just stop talking about it with you and I'm gonna go see it. And we arrive and we had a doctor's appointment that was for the eyes.
And that doctor was like, yeah, we're not, we're not treating the eyes here. The eyes are fine. You need an MRI. So that led us into the hospital. There's been a few powerful things come out of this. Really a lot of affirmation about what we've put into this book, putting it into practice as real. The other thing for me is just knowing that what we're doing will work for others. So really in essence what has happened is, is a storm, right? And it's not even just like a, a casual rainstorm or even a thunderstorm. I think there might be some tornado warnings in this storm.
Heather: I think so, Jayne. Or [00:13:00] tsunami? 
Jayne: Tsunamis on the, on the, horizon, even in, in the land lockness that we live in. So it reminded me of something that we have in our book where we talk about when storms hit. And I thought we would take this time to actually read about when the storms hit.
Heather: Mm-hmm.
Jayne: So this is chapter eight. The Storms Hit. "Caring for your aging parents often starts with a jarring and disruptive bang. You feel like things are out of control and moving quickly, a crisis in your aging parents' physical, emotional, cognitive, or financial wellbeing is like being underwater, struggling to find solid ground when facing overwhelming circumstances.
For many of us, this stage is unnamed and not talked about, and it hits us like a blind corner. We smash into this phase of life unprepared and honestly naive thinking. We have the end of life plans in place, and my [00:14:00] aging parent has a medical team in place. I'm good. That is until the first storm hits.
That moment of physical, mental, or financial challenge, and then the suffering begins. We believe countless families are struggling and suffering in silence. Thrust into this sPACE of unchartered waters where you have been pulled away from your life's challenges, which continue, and you quickly become overwhelmed by this new sPACE and find yourself wholly and utterly ill prepared for the new journey.
There is a stunning arrival of challenges that come your way, coupled with the physical and emotional difficulties that soon place you squarely in the suffering stage. And if you're lucky. You may be able to get your feet back on the ground after the first round of the storm. You may say, well, that was hard, but I did it, and thank goodness it's over.
And you return to your immediate regularly scheduled programming of caring for your family at home, your job, and your life. Only to realize that another [00:15:00] round of waves of the storm keep coming while your responsibilities stack up. And this is your new normal."
Well, yes, that is exactly what has happened. But, but, but you know, when we wrote that chapter, it was really to describe a current situation, right? And the current normal for a lot of people.
Heather: Mm-hmm.
Jayne: The difference here is we were prepared. We did understand what this was. We maybe didn't know what was coming, but when it arrived, we were, I wouldn't say prepared
because it was something unexpected, but we had some tools. We had some tools that we could lean on. And, that was powerful. That knowledge of [00:16:00] knowing that, oh, this is, this is the adolescence of aging. Here it is. It looks different. Here it is. It looks different for everybody, right?
But it is uniquely universal and we are there, we are moving through that. In my instance, in this moment, we're moving through it pretty quickly.
Heather: Warp speed. Yeah. At warp speed. Yeah.
Jayne: But I was like, oh, well that's what this is. And that grounding that knowledge has been so powerful in just being able to help and assist the family around me and everybody working with us say, "no, I know what's going on here."
This is what this is and we know where we're at and we're just gonna work through it. We had those cues and clues that we talked about and we don't often have language for what we're seeing. It is that [00:17:00] spidey sense. But I checked it out and this is what I found and I'm grateful for knowing 
knowing I could go and not feel scared.
I didn't feel scared when I knew something was off. I was more curious.
Heather: Yeah. Love that.
Jayne: Like, well, I wonder what's going on. 
Heather: Mm-hmm. 
Jayne: Right? And the anticipation of finding something didn't freak me out.
Heather: Yep.
Jayne: I think I remember her telling you, I gotta go, I gotta go check this out. There's something going on. But stepped into it and was like, oh, okay, well, this is the step we're going to take now, and we're just gonna keep taking one step at a time because I, I know where we're at.
Heather: And Jayne, you got to bring others with you. Right? And so it was your, your family [00:18:00] that, and even like I think about the healthcare team, some of the stories you've told that you brought others along in that pivot. And that's what was so curious. When we were together, at the group, there were questions around how do you pivot to curiosity?
Like how do you push through the, I don't wanna be a burden or there's nothing to see here. And that's what I think is so powerful about your story and your sharing, Jayne, is that, that I feeling in your tummy, the spidey sense, something's off. Like something I need to just check it out. And then how you showed up in that in a place of curiosity is so powerful and I hope that people's ears and hearts are open to hearing this because it's a huge pivot, which can change, right? That, that E times R equals O or plus plus it, it, it changes the outcome in a powerful way.
Jayne: Well, and I'll tell you how it's changed the [00:19:00] outcome. Even going step by step, as the storm got bigger, and the news got more discouraging. 
Heather: Yeah. 
Jayne: My attitude about it wasn't to react to it. It's like, okay, well this is where we are now, and now we're just gonna keep exploring. And it really changed I feel like the way that my aging parent engaged in this process because I wasn't reacting to a worst case scenario. I wasn't thinking, oh my goodness, what are we gonna do? How are we gonna fall off? Like this is, this is devastating. What's gonna, oh my goodness. It was like, well, this is, this is our cards.
This is the hand we're gonna play, so let's play the hand. And it was each step along the way with each bit of news has just been this engagement in curiosity and confidence and, and [00:20:00] acknowledgement that this sucks. Super sucks.
Heather: Super sucks.
Jayne: Super sucks but we're okay. We're gonna be fine 'cause we're gonna get through what this is. And we are going to move forward together. That's another big Yes. Well, and, and how we are thinking about it. It's, you know, we're all pulling the cart in the same direction. So all that emotional complexity that would otherwise come from a reaction that was weighted down by fear and by anxiety and by grief. Those, all of those are real emotions and I wanna acknowledge and value when you feel these things, but how you react to it is what is changing our outcome? It's, it's been powerful.
So one of the things that we can talk about again from the book is what is this [00:21:00] shift, the adolescence of aging. Because when we have language for it, when we know what it is, when we can smell it, sniff it, see it we can talk about it and prepare ourselves with the knowing of what it is. From our book, "Thriving in Chaos", we have a chapter two, a new stage of senior adulthood, and from the book it says, "there's often a pivotal moment when the level of independence shifts from self-sufficiency into interdependence, and this transition is not always smooth and can bring a range of emotional tensions and strains.
Often this phase begins with a crisis. Or a storm." Amen. "It may also start with clues that we as adult children begin noticing, and our inquiries are often met with defiance and opposition from our aging parent. I am fine. I am fine. I am fine. I hear that a lot. But our gut tells [00:22:00] us something is changing.
We feel it and we don't have words for it. And when our guts are yelling at us, something is off or that something is going to happen. But again, our current culture lacks the framework or language to help us articulate that concern." So here we are with the adolescence of aging. I've just described to you my storm.
I'm in a storm. Storm is calming down some, but in a storm.
Heather: Mm-hmm.
Jayne: But we had a name for it and we knew what it was. So hot tips 
Heather: What are your buoys? Yeah. I love how you say, what are your buoys? Yeah.
Jayne: You find yourself on a doorstep, and on that doorstep is an awareness that something has shifted.
Heather: Mm-hmm.
Jayne: You may or may not know what it is, but you know, something has shifted. What do we do next?
Heather: You know, one of the first pieces is the importance of being able to be present. And so the power of all these beautiful meditations that you have [00:23:00] been teaching us, just to capture your breath and just to be able to be in that moment and absorb what is in front of you, right?
And so being able to have one of those, and that's why every time we open, we say, let's practice this. 'cause you know what? You're gonna need it one day and you're not gonna expect it. But you're gonna be so glad when you have it there. So being able to know what works for you, whether it's the box breathing of the side breaths, or some people like to bounce, some people like to walk around.
Whatever it is, have that ready to go 'cause you are gonna need it. Whether it's an emergency room, a phone call, whatever at your desk, whatever it is that's gonna be absolutely critical for you in that moment is to have your breath be able to reengage that thinking brain. 'cause your amygdala is gonna be freaking out because this is not normal. And you know, what is happening in the the tsunami or the tornado, whatever the visual is, hits, presence. Just just take a second. It's okay. The, you know, power of [00:24:00] pause is, is, is very powerful in these moments. So I would say that's hot, hot tip number one.
Jayne: Well, and if we're going to get, get real about what the power pauses, let's just talk about PACE, because PACE is our mnemonic for how we can get through these things. So pausing to your point. Is really a great place to start. Assessing, this is where mindset and having a curiosity about what is going on, approaching it with curiosity and discovery, knowing that I'm here to learn.
I'm not making judgments. I am going to get information, and I'm gonna assess with that information what the situation is. It's almost looking without judgment.
It's also looking without forward projection,
Heather: Mm.
Jayne: thinking to the future of the what ifs. The assessing is really about just taking a snapshot of like where we're [00:25:00] at and collecting that information and empowering yourself
to make good choices, which gets to the C of our PACE model of choosing, and this is where you get to choose not only what action needs to be taken to support, but also how you choose to show up. It is in practice that E plus R equals O,
Right.
You are choosing. We can do hard things. We can balance these things. It doesn't make it any easier, but what makes it better for you as the adult child and possibly having a better outcome for your aging parent is that you are choosing how you show up. I have a knowledge and understanding. You've taken a pause and now you can go into the E of our PACE model, which is embrace and just continue to move [00:26:00] forward in that choice, in, in the knowledge, in the calm of taming the storm. The goal is to not let the storm overtake you. The goal is to not let there be tons of collateral damage because we haven't been able to process and really take in the scope. I mean my life has been hijacked. You know, I haven't been home for 11 days. I'm here home for a short stint and now I'm gone again for I don't know how long. And that's okay. But the people around me,
Heather: Mm. There you go. Mm-hmm.
Jayne: I am not setting off a firestorm. I'm not creating collateral damage for those people around me because we are working together and we're creating a sense of, peace and support to continue to move the things forward in the reality
Heather: Mm-hmm.
Jayne: of where we're at. So that's that PACE [00:27:00] model, you know, in action, which is, I, again, so grateful to it. 
The couple of hot tips, you know, that we've had out here, the importance of building your team, knowing who, particularly your aging parents people. I have gotten to know her friends and her support system. I have their phone numbers in my phone.
I am calling on them. I'm calling on them and asking them just because they wanna help and they wanna support us. So they are there. And they are key and critical. On my side, i've built a team around my family.
We're building teams around the work that we're doing. We are manifesting this incredible energy of support that is such a gift, right? Because people wanna help and when they. When you ask and say, this is where I need support, they make it [00:28:00] work, and what a gift. So building your team is critical.
This is also like in medical, knowing who you can call on. To help make certain decisions. People that need can give you confidence in your decisions. They may not be your providers. They may be people with other kinds of expertise. We use chat GPT quite a bit.
Chat is part of our team. And chat has been very powerful in in deciphering radiology reports.
Heather: Well, and, and knowing what questions to ask, I mean it really Fantastic. Yeah. Really, really helpful.
Jayne: So we're saying while it isn't it is a guide, doesn't replace medical advice, it is helpful when you can't have a provider on the phone every second to tackle one of those eking questions you have. It can at least give you some directional insight. And then self care.
I've been finding these moments whenever I can to take a walk. And I can [00:29:00] just feel the tension trickle outta my body. That power of movement has been profound for me.
Heather: And the other thing you don't realize it is a constant stimulation for all of your senses. And so to be able to step outside, get some ideally sunshine on your face just to be able to get fresh air and movement.
Maybe it's five minutes, maybe it's 10 minutes, but really, really, so incredibly good for us because Jayne, this, this is not a sprint. Right. This is maybe a marathon or triathlon and there are multiple stages and this is just a beginning. And so how do you stay healthy and strong to be able to continue to go forward?
Jayne: And, one of the other and last powerful tools that we have employed in this experience is not always the easiest because sometimes it doesn't make people happy and [00:30:00] sometimes, you know, you just, you wanna be accommodating, but setting proper boundaries with family members,
um, friends, letting 'em know that, listen, I hear you.
I understand this is important to you but I cannot do that for you right now. I am not able to carry this load for you. I feel like our bias is to just do, because it's easier than saying I cannot, and recognizing that all of those boundaries are made set, I mean, they're set in love, right? They're set in love, but they're also set in self preservation.
People have only so much capacity. And acknowledging your capacity and recognizing your priorities.
Heather: Yeah.
Jayne: That has been really powerful. It's a new experience for everybody and I'm so grateful to have set some boundaries cause it really has [00:31:00] protected not only my loved one but myself. I am able to be more present and more active because I am not focused somewhere else.
Heather: You are where you need to be and it's a very dynamic and responsive spot, and so your full attention and energy needs to be in those places. Yeah.
Jayne: Well, and to that point, it's not only with family members, it might be with work, it might be with other obligations that you have. You know, I have just been amazed how when I say I have, I need to refocus and I need some help where people have just stepped in and honored the boundary and what a gift.
There's been so many blessings, I've seen so much grace and I'm so grateful for everything. 
Heather: Awesome.
Jayne: Well, that's been a fun conversation, Heather. Woo.
Heather: But we need more box breathing.
Jayne: We might need more box breathing after this, but I really, our goal in sharing all of our experiences [00:32:00] in other's experiences stories is if you see yourself in this, that there is something that you can take away in knowing that you are seen and that this is a real experience. We'd love for you to continue to join us in this conversation. You can share your story with us at people in the squeeze dot com, or you can drop us a line in our dms at people in the squeeze on Instagram and TikTok.
Our book, "Thriving in Chaos: Navigating the Challenges of Aging Parents" continues to be available on Amazon serving and helping people who are in this stage of being in the squeeze.
So until we meet again, we just want you to know that when these days are really big and really hard.
That we see you and you are not alone. You are doing the impossible and it's going to be okay.