Jayne: Hello, Heather.
Heather: Hi, Jayne.
Jayne: Hi, friends, and welcome to People in the Squeeze.
Jayne: So, Heather, how are you today?
Heather: I'm good. The sun is out. Life is good. 
Jayne: I thought we'd do something fun today and play a little game. I'm going to put you to the test and we're going to play this little game that is probably pertinent to all of us at some point especially if we're having any sort of relationship with our aging parents as they age.
Jayne: It's called: Is This A Scam?
Heather: Oh dear.
Jayne: dun, dun. So we're gonna go through a few of these and you're gonna tell me what you think. Is it real or is it fake? You got it. All right. So the first one. A text message claims your parent's Netflix account has been suspended due to a billing error.
Jayne: It [00:01:00] includes a link where they can update their payment info to restore service. Is it real or is it fake?
Heather: I'm gonna go with fake because it's a text message. 
Jayne: It's real!
Jayne: Streaming services, they do not text for billing issues. So, always, always log in to the official website.
Heather: Okay.
Jayne: Alright, here we go. Second question. This one might be a bit easy. But we'll see.
Heather: We'll see.
Jayne: Your parents get a panic call from someone claiming to be their grandchild.
Jayne: The caller says they were in a car accident, arrested or stranded and need money immediately. They beg your parent not to call mom and dad. Is this real or is it fake? 
Heather: So, Jayne, we've lived this one. So this is definitely a [00:02:00] scam. And it's heartbreaking because to this day, my aging parents still believes that this was very real. So I can, I speak from experience. This is a real scam.
Jayne: Oh my goodness. And so what happened? You want to talk about it?
Heather: To this day, my aging parent is convinced that she is a great grandmother because the scammers told her that my son was in Mexico with his girlfriend and they were pregnant, unmarried. And this was an emergency. He had broken bones jail and needed dollars. So I mean, literally like a couple of weeks ago, I got the question, like, how's my great grandbaby?
Heather: And so it's sad because it's, it, it stuck, right? Something about that stuck probably because it was big emotions. And so our bodies and our memories tend to hold on to that, but this one is very real and very common. I know my husband and his family got the same call on [00:03:00] his side. And again, thought it was very, very real.
Heather: And it's that our, our aging parents, grandparents want to take care of us. And so this is one that works with great efficiency for the criminals. Yeah. I would say they have a high rate of success with this one.
Jayne: Oh, goodness. Well, gee, I'm sorry you had that experience. I hope somebody learns from that.
Heather: Correct.
Jayne: Ooh, it's real. So yes, it's real. All right. Question three. An email claims that your senior is eligible for a special stimulus payment from the government. They just need to verify their social security number and bank account details to receive the money. Real or fake?
Heather: Jayne, I think you have dipped into my lived experience.
Jayne: Oh no!
Heather: also is another way that my aging [00:04:00] parent fell victim. So, yes. And yeah. I mean, this, this was very real. And yeah. I mean, even to the point, like, yeah, I don't know. I don't want to overshare but like with an IRS conversation had to defend why a PPP loan was given to an aging parent and it was a, it was a criminal scam.
Heather: So they are so sophisticated and so smooth and influential with aging parents. This one is real. I speak from experience again.
Jayne: Oh my goodness, I'm so sorry. I didn't know I'd be digging in the minefield.
Heather: I know.
Jayne: Whoo. All of these. Well, just for the record, let's just be clear. The government never contacts people via email for stimulus payments. This is definitely identity theft in disguise. Let's find one that hasn't hit so close to home.
Heather: When's the fun, Jayne? When's fun!? 
Jayne: All right. Let's try another one. A friendly voice calls [00:05:00] offering a risk free investment opportunity exclusively for seniors. The deal guarantees 20 percent monthly return, but they must act fast before the opportunity disappears. Is it real or is it fake?
Heather: I think this sounds real. Like it's a real scam. I don't know. What's the answer?
Jayne: It is a real scam. And, the adage, if it sounds too good to be true, it is too good to be true. Well, legitimate investments, they never guarantee returns. 
Heather: Oh, that's a good line. Yeah. 
Jayne: It's a red flag for anybody.
Jayne: All right, let's try one more. just one more. An ad online promises a new AI powered home assistant. That will take care of aging parents, cooking, cleaning, and even providing companionship for just 19. 99 a month. And you can reserve one for early access.
Heather: Mm. 
Jayne: [00:06:00] Real or is it fake?
Heather: Yeah, you know in when we were talking with Carey Lindeman, she was talking about the technology out there and to be wary. So I am thinking that this is a real scam.
Jayne: Well, it's a fake scam, but it's probably coming soon.
Jayne: AI caregiving tools are emerging and they are emerging fast. There currently is no robot butler coming to save us.
Jayne: So if you see this, it's definitely a scam, but it's not one that's been out there and documented. So I feel like you get the high five. You are a scam spotter pro.
Heather: And as soon as you think you know them all, there's another one. I just want to say the other thing that we've not talked about here, but is the computer and how sneaky criminals are on the computer. And so having software or things in place or practices with your aging parent are really, really important.
Heather: So phone, we talked a lot about [00:07:00] phone and texts, but computer is another one to be wary
Jayne: Oh, a hundred percent. Yeah, no, I, we had experience. I think I've scared my aging parent just enough so that she doesn't dare do anything unless she talks to me first about what's happening on her computer because she did end up getting on the phone with somebody who tried to get permission and access into her phone.
Jayne: And she was so close to letting them toggle in. And then she said, I think I'm just going to talk to my daughter about this. And I said, that is the best, that is the best thing you ever did. So,
Heather: Yes. Bravo, Jayne. Yeah.
Jayne: I give props, cause that's a, that's a hard place to be. And we have to always give grace to our aging parents because it.
Jayne: It's hard for anybody, right? And they're so sophisticated. Well, anyways, that fun little quiz kicks us off and we are going to move in to now bringing things down a notch and just settling our bodies for a minute. Today, we're going to focus on a [00:08:00] meditation that was really coming out of Stanford University, the Huberman lab.
Jayne: They have this thing called the physiological sigh. Okay. Research has shown, that it can really significantly impact the regulation of your nervous system during moments of high stress. and anxiety. Any one of those situations in the quiz would be a good time to do the physiological sigh.
Jayne: So, for those of you who don't know, the Huberman Lab is led by Andrew Huberman, who is a PhD neuroscientist. He's also a tenured professor in the department of neurobiology and, I don't know if this is an official part of his title but it was on the internets, also by courtesy and psychiatry and behavioral sciences at Stanford University.
Heather: But it's so simple. 
Jayne: It's so simple. The physiological sigh is really taking in two sharp inhales and one long exhale. And this really is the fastest way to [00:09:00] regulate nervous systems. During these high moments of stress and anxiety. So we're going to try it once, and then try it twice. And then we'll finish a third time.
Jayne: And see how we feel. You ready to go, Heather?
Heather: I'm ready.
Jayne: All right. So two sharp inhales in, and a long exhale out. And again. That's magical! 
Jayne: I do this one a lot. And it is quite powerful. It taps into your vagus nerve. And when you begin to yawn, that's one of the cues or clues that it's working. And so again, really, really powerful way to calm your system quite quickly. 
So today we are moving into a big topic [00:10:00] of storms and I was reminded, and frankly grateful, because you know when you start seeing vignettes and scenarios play out in episodic television, that things are starting to percolate under the surface.
Jayne: There's this new television show that's currently on HBO Max called Pitt. It has cutie patootie Noah Wylie in it we all know from our days of ER, when he was a young intern. Well, now he's the attendee. The show is getting great accolades, not as a ER reboot, but because the whole season is literally just an hour by hour look at a single shift in an ER. And, I'm not an ER doctor. You're not an ER doctor. We don't have any experience in this, but everything that we read and hear from others tells us that they seem to have gotten it right. 
Heather: I want to jump in, Jayne, because we do have lived experience on the other side. So, I have spent time in the ER and I know you have too. [00:11:00] So, yes.
Jayne: oh, yes. Well, we have. Yes, we do have our own ER stories that we could probably play out over a 12 episode season,
Heather: Totally. Okay. Just for the record. Alright. 
Jayne: Just for the record, but from the perspective of the medical profession . So anyways, this storyline that I want to talk about today comes up in episode five, and it is a vignette of a daughter and her mother who come into the ER after her mother, who is aging, after she falls. And there is this moment where she is taking it in and providers are assessing what's happening. And you can tell that there is a very distinct difference here. The mother and the daughter have a great relationship but you can really tell that her daughter is is exhausted and you can see it in her face, the tire, and you can see it in her reactions 
Heather: Her body language, her pace of speech, like she is wired up, almost quivering. Yeah. I, I felt it when I watched it.[00:12:00] 
Jayne: Well, and I'm going to play an audio clip from that now where they've diagnosed what has happened to the mother, and they're talking to the mother and the daughter about what happens next. There's this interesting, thoughtful exchange with the provider and the daughter. That we will continue to chat on.
Jayne: So here we go.
Jayne: Well, you had a normal EKG and chest x ray. But it looks like you sustained a proximal humerus fracture on the left upper arm. There goes my bed pan.
Jayne: That was a joke, dear. Okay because the fracture isn't displaced, the good news is you don't need surgery. Oh, that's a relief. The bad news is you do need to wear a sling for at least six weeks. And I have to insist absolutely no shoulder mobility for the first few weeks. And that means you're going to have to step up even more.
Jayne: Because on top of your usual ADLs, [00:13:00] you're also going to have to help your mom bathe, dress, and use the toilet. I'm so sorry, Mom. This would never have happened if I was more on top of things. Any more on top, you'd be back in my womb. It's going to be fine. I know how hard it can be. I was my sister's primary caregiver until a few weeks ago.
Jayne: Where is she now? She's in an amazing facility in North Hills.
Jayne: I know I can be a burden. But I like being in my own home. Just me and my girl. You're not a burden. You're my mom. I'll refer you to Ortho. They'll get you set up with PT and exercises. You're very lucky to have such a caring daughter. Oh, I know it. Dark red Subaru in the ambulance bay? Oh, yes, that's me.[00:14:00] 
Jayne: You're gonna need to move that to open the space for ambulances. Oh, I'm so sorry. Okay. I'll walk Rita out. Perla, would you stay with Ginger for a minute? I'll be right back. Yeah, no problem. Okay. After you.
Jayne: Look, I put in your mom's prescription in at the pharmacy. And by the time you get back from parking, she should be ready to be discharged. Just don't worry. Things will be back to normal in a few weeks. I'm not sure what normal is anymore. I can't even remember the last time I slept through the night.
Jayne: It's just It's a lot. Do you have any support at home? I wish. It's just us. I hired a part time aide for my sister to cover me when I was at work. It was really helpful. It's out of our price range. I mean, I already work from home. And then there's the cooking and [00:15:00] the cleaning and the doctor's appointments.
Jayne: It never ends. Caretaker's fatigue is a real thing. You have to take care of yourself, otherwise you're going to end up in here too.
Jayne: That was intense
Heather: And real.
Jayne: Well, what I want to follow up on with that is that, the daughter leaves to move her car and ends up falling asleep. And her mobile phone dies. And during that entire time, the providers are trying to reach her. The mom, the aging parent is in the balance at the ER, and then while the providers are trying to not pass judgment, they're also giving lots of grace, but they grow a little concerned as time passes.
Jayne: And then when she shows up again, she's had a nap. She feels a little bit more relaxed. But it continues, and she's just found herself in this place and that vignette boy that is just a serious [00:16:00] gut punch I think for anybody who's heard that and can connect to that experience in any part of that whether it's good news you don't have surgery, but you're going to have to amp up the care you're already providing. For somebody who's In the squeeze and feeling the pinch already, words like that are like, that's not good news.
Heather: Or is that, I mean, possible. Is that possible? 
Jayne: And then forgetting that your car is parked in the ER bay, totally, totally relatable.
Jayne: And then having that conversation with the provider on the other side, where she just, she, she laughs, she's just like, what is normal? What, what is normal? Oof. What, what a moment. 
Jayne: And I guess from my perspective, they got that bit right.
Heather: From my lived experience, they nailed it.
Jayne: Yeah. [00:17:00] So we talk about this in the book. This is a big part of where we talk about storms. And these are the rolling storms. The storms that keep coming. And this care provider, this, with this adult child, is in this moment right now. She's already in like maybe a rainstorm. But she has just now seen things amp up a little bit in her storm language.
Jayne: And so we talk about that in the book.
Heather: We do, we have a whole chapter that tries to give language and understanding of what people are going through. And so let me dive in here. "Of course, when you are in storms or crises, you are called upon to make critical decisions under immense stress. This decision making is often made more complex by resistance from your aging parent and even from non alignment with family members regarding the next best step.
Heather: Poor self care, which often includes poor sleep, diet, lack of exercise can compound the situation. Being able [00:18:00] to think, intake complicated information, make sense, negotiate with your aging parents and family members and solve problems becomes challenging. All these variables are ones that I've seen repeated with frequency and family systems with aging parents.
Heather: And it comes at a cost. A cost to our aging parents. A cost to our families, and a high cost to us. Those who are trying our very best to care for our aging parents. It's like a constant undertow that you can't get ahead of."
Jayne: It's exactly what we heard. And it's such real life, such amazing real life. I mean, these storms, they just keep coming. And that won't change, right? So how do we chart a new path forward? How do we step into something? I appreciated this provider's sense of empathy, right?
Jayne: And wanting to reach out and wanting to say, you need to do these things, but that kind of lands to [00:19:00] as a, well, yeah, I'd like to sure. Yes. I should
Heather: All right, absolutely. 
Jayne: tell, tell tell me how, how, how is that going to change? In home care is not part of the equation for us. So tell me, how is that going to change?
Jayne: And yet we still have to chart that new way forward without losing ourselves in the storm. We give language in the book to a lot of the struggles. We talk about responsibility overload, which I think was really in high play here. 
Heather: Oh, a thousand percent.
Jayne: Cognitive clutter, which again, we saw because, we're forgetting things, where things are, how things are doing, we're falling asleep, we're having to keep all these ADLs in play, the multi generational stress.
Jayne: So we have a mother and a daughter and oh, the plea of the mom just wanting to stay in her home. Ah, guilt, guilt, guilt. 
Heather: Heavy. 
Jayne: And then the invisible labor of what the daughter is having to carry and just falling into fatigue in [00:20:00] her role. That is the language of the mental load.
Jayne: And we see how it plays out in people's lives. And it really like a storm, like a tsunami, just takes them out from underneath their feet and they end up like swimming and just treading and trying.
Heather: Well, and Jayne, we never, we never talk about this in our world. So it's not like, oh, I know it's coming or, oh, I need to be on the lookout for it. It just, it arrives. You are in it. And I have to tell you It is such a struggle because you don't have a full tank when you go into this, you're already exhausted from the care you've been trying to provide, and then to be in a crisis, which requires additional energy so that you can have clarity of thought that you can be able to make decisions that you can know what your resources are, even the point. I mean, the part through all of that just drives me crazy. Every time I'm in an emergency room, [00:21:00] my dang cell phone is dead and I've not eaten and I've had a long day and I'm super tired.
Heather: And that's just the beginning of my shift. That's the beginning of my having to be at my best and you know what I'm not and I love the grace that what I saw in this Pitt episode. I have to tell you that's not always the experience. You're not always gifted grace. You're not always gifted understanding.
Heather: The social worker in the very first crisis and storm that I encountered in my family was brutal, brutal, full of judgment, full of shoulds, full of how can you let this happen to your aging parent? And I'm like, you have to be kidding me. Like we are trying our best. Circumstances are challenging. And to be hit with that judgment.
Heather: So, so through all of this, to be able to give our friends that are listening with us some language and some understanding and even like [00:22:00] a peak or a preview, which might be around the corner. That's our hope Jayne right and this time together. That is our hope. I even remember recording a reel outside the emergency room because I wanted that emergency department sign behind me to say like, look, this is going to be in your future.
Heather: And I have to tell you, even when we get our aging parents, perhaps more supports, perhaps they get to assisted living, perhaps they get into a memory care, when they fall or when they require emergency care, guess who goes. It's us adult children that are called into it. So I don't want people to have this false sense of, Oh, got my, my parent into assisted living and I'm done like, that's not my job. Be, be ready. Like this will be in your future of being in these and, the emergency room, this is just an example of a crisis or storm. There's different flavors that can come upon us, but being able [00:23:00] to have that and Jayne, I even now in my crisis is cause they still keep coming.
Heather: This beautiful mnemonic that we've come up with, right. The, the PACE yourself, the ability to pause, I should have this down. I've been doing this for nine years, but still I need to look at my wrist and be like, Oh, I need to pause. 
Jayne: I need to pace myself. Well, and that's, that's the thing, Heather. I think raising the flag saying, okay, if you're not here, you still need to think about and prepare for it. But also. In preparing for it, whether you're prepared for it or not, you get to choose how you experience this.
Jayne: And you cannot let yourself get swept away. Our mnemonic of PACE is not rocket science, but it is hard, right? And we are reminding people that, yes, you need to pause. So let's use the example from this episode, right? The moment this woman comes in, and she's hearing, well, there's no surgery, but [00:24:00] you're going to have to step up.
Jayne: My gift to her would be like, hey, let's take, let's breathe for a second.
Heather: Let's sit here for a second. 
Jayne: Yeah. And just pause and take a beat. Okay, now we're going to assess. This is going to mean more supports. This is going to mean more work for me. But I'm going to choose, I'm going to make a choice. I'm going to find a way to do this. Where are other members of my team? Is there anybody else that I can call? Is there somebody that I can bring in? How can I manage this so that I am not drowning? And then, and that's not to say, I mean, this poor woman, based on what we know just in this little vignette, is, is in a tricky spot.
Jayne: She seems like she might be the only child or the only sibling taking any responsibility for her adult parent. And she's fortunate that her aging parent is lovely.
Heather: On board. She's on board.
Jayne: Yes, as just delightful, right? And so, those things are working in her favor, [00:25:00] but it doesn't change the fact that she's working from home.
Jayne: She's managing the household and how she blames herself of this. So getting her past all of those things to say, okay, how do I choose? How do I choose to do this differently? What can I do differently? Who can I call? How can I troubleshoot this? And then embracing those things and moving into that space, knowing that you've empowered yourself to be present and you've empowered yourself in the solution.
Jayne: Again, not throwing down a ton of what a shoulda coulda's to anybody out in the world, cause this is not easy. You could see it in her body language. And I could see her pulling away and isolating and getting small and feeling weighed down by the hard.
Jayne: And really, I really, really wanted her to open up. And by pausing, take in that breath and open and then receive, assess, make some thoughtful decisions that consider her. As well as her aging parent.
Heather: [00:26:00] Well, and I don't know when my children were little, I would always hear people say, you have to put the oxygen mask on yourself first before you put it on your children, Heather. And that like, at first was irritating. Cause you're like, gosh, I'm just doing the best I can like get out.
Heather: This is not your business, but eventually, as kids age and as we grow and learn as parents, it's like, Oh, like, okay. Yes. The oxygen mask has to go on me as the parent first and it fits here too and again there's that angst of don't you see I am doing the best I can like and you're just that spin and It this is this can be for some of us.
Heather: I say it's not a sprint. It's not a marathon. This can be like a triathlon. This is this can be for some of us a long time. And so we have to have to have to have to be able to pace ourselves for [00:27:00] this. Yeah, for this haul. 
Jayne: Absolutely pacing ourselves. Well, I need a deep breath.
Heather: A lot of energy to get this one. Oh
Jayne: Lots of energy. Boy, what a conversation to have and what an experience to feel. I really felt that vignette. And I really felt it in all of our conversation. And I'm grateful for all of your sharing. Goodness. 
Heather: It feels good. I mean, it feels so good. And that's why we started this Jayne was to be able to take our heartbreak, our gosh, suffering. And how do we translate that to empower others so that they feel better supported and that they're better prepared for what might be on the horizon for them. 
Jayne: Amen. And we'd love everybody else to join us in that conversation. If you have a story to share, we would like to hear it. We are here for you at peopleinthesqueeze. com. Drop us a line or even come into our DMs and [00:28:00] connect with us that way on Instagram or TikTok. We have our book, which we read from today, "Thriving in Chaos, Navigating the Challenges of Aging Parents."
Jayne: There you can dig in to how you get through storms as they hit. We go into a lot more detail about what pace is and how to apply that to your life and how to really develop a practice that allows you to pace yourself in these storms. It is available now on Amazon or you can ask for it at your favorite local bookstore. So until we meet again, we want you to know that when the days are really big and really hard. That we see you, you are not alone. You are doing the impossible and it is going to be okay.
Heather: It is going to be. Okay. Jayne.
Jayne: Oh, Heather! 
Heather: I need a nap. 
Jayne: Yeah, I need, I [00:29:00] need to go for a walk after that one. Have a great rest of your day.