Jayne: Hello, Heather.
Heather: Hi, Jayne.
Jayne: Hello, friends. And welcome to People in the Squeeze.  
Jayne: Heather, how are you today?
Heather: I'm good. How are you?
Jayne: I tell you I am buzzy. I am coming off a week where we have been celebrating International Women's Day and I had a privilege of attending an event recently that really put a fine point on what we were doing.
Jayne: It was an International Women's Day event that was hosted by one of my favorite organizations, Ready, Set, Pivot, from the great Wendy Weisman. And they were focusing on the topic of caregiving. And oh my goodness, it was just so remarkable. There were about 250 women, talented, smart, all of them feeling the experience of finding themselves in [00:01:00] situations where they're like, "Oh my goodness, how did this happen?
Jayne: How did I end up here? What is this? How do I thrive in this?" And I, I never felt like I had landed in a more perfect moment. The room was just active and swirling. They had wonderful panelists. We heard from Lindsay Juris Rosner, who is the CEO of Wellthy.
Jayne: They're taking on the task burden providing concierge services and helping deal with those logistics. What was also part of that panel was leaders from big fortune 500 companies in our area who were standing up and saying, oh no, we've seen this, we see this and we've already made this a priority. I'm given a lot of shout outs here, but, our local favorite, Best Buy, their director of HR, Melanie Moriarty was there and she talked about how they not only partner with Wellthy, but they've also give four weeks paid leave for [00:02:00] caregiving. 
Heather: That's incredible. Wow. 
Jayne: Mind. Mind blowing.
Jayne: I could not believe it. After what we personally, my family has been through for the last two years and seeing how we have navigated the relationship with our careers and had to navigate the relationship with our careers because we didn't have the confidence that we had the support and the resources available to us from our employers to hear that a company takes that 180 was just like, Thank goodness!
Jayne: I am loving it. And I hope more people fall into line.
Heather: And that's what we keep hearing. As we're talking with so many people, the majority are in that same spot, Jayne. Yeah. You're not alone. So that is really. Extraordinary.
Jayne: And I hate that it's the anomaly, right? Like I hate that that is the anomaly. There was somebody in the audience who asked for one piece of advice. And it was the only thing that made me cringe a [00:03:00] little, not because I felt it was wrong, but because it felt unrealistic. And it was don't quit your job. And I don't know that we're there yet. I really don't know that we're there yet, because when you are in the storms and you're in the thick of it, and you are carrying all that there, there is no amount of... something has to give.
Heather: Well, Jayne. There are not many options and you're doing your best. And so to be able to hear from an organization that provides that support, awesome. But to know that for most of us, something has to give,
Jayne: Well, and that we have a long way to go. I love when companies stand up and do something that is the right thing to do. They lead by example. There's a lot of pressure to prove out the value of these kinds of programs and what kind of impact they have. I think we know that there's a great economic impact to caregiving and caretaking of your aging [00:04:00] parent on our economy.
Jayne: And so to see that, not only that they've been able to, understand the cost value of that investment, not only in their employees, but also say, I think there's something bigger that we should be doing as a country to support people. I really hope people see their leadership and feel inspired by it
Heather: That's awesome.
Heather: It reminds me when we got maternity and paternity, like paid leave. And then the family medical leave act, like it, it was the evolution that next piece to, so how do we support families. So that's really great to hear.
Jayne: Well, and I think what is hard about that too, is that so much in our recent history. It feels like we've lived in that world for a very long time, but we really haven't.
Heather: Honestly, we haven't. Yeah. Good point.
Jayne: I am feeling the need to take all of this energy and prepare ourselves for the next part of our conversation. We're going to do a very simple breathing exercise that's designed for [00:05:00] relaxation. This is for any moment at any time.
Jayne: And it's really just a very simple breathing exercise called 4 7 8. What you do is you inhale deeply through your nose for four seconds. You hold your breath for seven seconds,
Jayne: and you exhale slowly through your mouth for eight whole seconds, making a whoosh sound at the end. And we repeat this in practice four to six times until you feel that calm settle over your body. But just for good measure, we're going to do it one more time here, just for practice. So inhale deeply through your nose for four seconds. Hold for seven, [00:06:00] now exhale slowly through your mouth for eight seconds, and make that gentle whoosh sound and push the air out. Alright, this technique, it activates your body's relaxation response, it helps reduce stress and it really promotes calmness. It's also a good thing to do when you like are trying to calm down a little before you go to bed, or really whenever we need a moment of peace. 
Today is an exciting day for the podcast because we have part two of our conversation with the delightful, Carey Lindeman. She's CEO and founder, visionary of Promise Care. In our last podcast, the beginning of our conversation was really about her experiences in the adolescence of aging and all the [00:07:00] sort of beautiful ways that she helps families manage those transitions.
Heather: She masterfully handles those transitions and all those tips and nuggets. There was just too much for one episode. Wasn't there, Jayne? We had to break it into two.
Jayne: Had to break it in two. So friends, we welcome you to part two of our conversation with Carey Lindeman and look forward to you being a part of the magic goodness that she brings to all of us.  
Heather: And now, part two. 
Yeah, you know, as as you guys are speaking, one of the pieces that's so fascinating and insight I'm having here is, we talk about for the adult child, the importance of not feeling alone. And that's also very true for our aging parent. And so when we are in relationship, when we are living our life with purpose, we are functioning at a higher level, right?
Heather: I mean, we are in the flow and things go well. And so the same applies for our [00:08:00] aging parent that become isolated, right? Not able to drive, not able to do the social components. And so Carey, as you were talking about, the, the insight you had working with prospective client or, or client in the, at eating a meal, like come sit with me, that's a huge piece, like that's another huge piece of the importance of relationships. And I know Carey, when you and I talked, you said it can be a professional, but it can also be you know, there's volunteers, there's different organizations that you can help power up in these situations. It can be, activating the network of friends that you're aging parent, it can be relations and family members.
Heather: So that's just a, an insight that I've had that I know you've talked about carry, daycare programs in senior cities and different municipalities, there are a different ways, but just for us as adult children to remember the [00:09:00] importance of the relationships, socialization and living with purpose.
Heather: I've even seen that in memory care, volunteering opportunities, being able to have purpose. That's so important for us as humans, Carey. I love that. I love that you spoke to that. Yeah, that's cool. That is really cool. And finding that. Yeah. How do we find that?
Jayne: The purpose thing is a big thing in the blue zones. We've talked about blue zones before. Where people age. And there's a certain physical things, where people eating well, they have access to good foods, but the sense of that connection to community and continuing to have a purpose as they age.
Jayne: You're right, Heather. That is so, I mean, I'm just agreeing, but it's proven to be important. It's proven that it makes an impact.
Heather: Right. So you feel better. You just want to feel better. Yeah. And then, for me with my psychology brain, how that impacts our behavior, [00:10:00] right when we are feeling better, we're behaving better. And so that is an in like these, sticky, tricky moments.
Heather: Hard to remember, like, how did we. How did we get here? How did we get here? And again, that's one of the things I just loved, Carey, from our first conversation of, how can we how can we make things better? How can we have these conversations sooner? And Carey, you said that you can get back to being a daughter.
Heather: And, and it literally, that took my breath away. Because that would be a beautiful gift. I don't know in my my experience of that will be part of my journey. But its families and it's sons and daughters and moms and dads and really about the family piece. And that's the gift you give, Carey, by going in and having these talks and these conversations that you're sharing with us. Huge, huge insights for families. Yeah.
Carey: I believe we have to [00:11:00] look at our upbringing, this country and how parents raise children to be independent. They, they raise children to be strong and independent. Now you go out and make something of your life and, and we do, we try to, and then all of a sudden we're called back. You know, it isn't really part of our culture to come back, and as you talk blue zones in many of the blue zones, that's their culture. They, they care for each other and that's how they live, but in the U.S., independence is, is key. And I think because of that, we are needing to call on others to help for the benefit of our parents, for them, we don't want them to be lonely, and it's very easy for them to be shut in and [00:12:00] to be lonely.
Carey: And that's, that's the worst thing we can do to somebody.
Jayne: So how do we adapt then? If we know that it means we live in a society where independence is rewarded, and that's the desired outcome. How do we adapt then? What needs to change what needs to happen so that we can support people both as they age and also as they are supporting their aging parents.
Carey: Well, I think again, I'm going to come back to the two of you. There's support groups. There are not enough, but there are a few out there, just to help each other. I think the resources that are available, not, not enough again, but they are out there. And I always love to think of it as building a team. Not everyone can [00:13:00] afford, for their parent to be in a fine facility or to have a home care coming in every day. Let's start small and start building because we, we have to help each other in this. We have to stick together. I realize, the easiest thing is, oh, let's just hire somebody.
Carey: Well, that doesn't always work for everybody. That financially, that doesn't always work for everybody to do that. And sometimes it's very difficult to hire the right people. It's just researching resources. Nobody here has the answer totally, but I think we just have to depend on each other. More and more I think you see people that are going into this field wanting to help other people wanting to help the aging. Because they have a heart for it.
Heather: Another insight I'm having here, Carey, [00:14:00] is don't tell me, show me. Like, let's try one thing. I wonder how that would have been on my journey, because I think it was a lot of tell me, like, this is terrible. The house is on fire. We have to... versus, hey, like, even if it was just groceries, or if there was one thing to provide support. So it's a show me versus a tell me that's an insight I'm having here. Those little, little steps that would have been very, very powerful. Yeah, that's really helpful, Carey. Really, really helpful.
Carey: Well, and I think people, the, the parents, grandparent, whoever you're dealing with there, they can become fearful that gives this step towards, a nursing home. That's what they related to, a nursing home. And no, we don't know. It's just like four hours a week. Let's just talk [00:15:00] four hours a week, or let's just talk about, maybe, as we said, adult day, or maybe a senior program, or there's something, just to start and not, it just creates more community, friendship, relationship.
Carey: Which is always a good thing.
Jayne: That's another great tip, Carey, the reframe. As people age, they go to the worst case scenario. I don't want to be on a home. And I think that that is such an important thing to remember is that when you're dealing with your aging parent, a lot of people in the moment are in the worst case scenario.
Jayne: That's what they're trying to avoid, and that's already, like, that's years away. That might be years away, but that's where they're at in their head. And so bringing them back into the present is like, no. Let's just get some DoorDash and have your groceries delivered or, or something like that. 
Carey: Let's, you know, make it easy, right?[00:16:00] 
Jayne: Let's just simplify this a little bit. Wouldn't that be helpful? Let's have a walking stick, that's great. It keeps you upright. Let's go. Those are simple things. And wow, what a reframe and what a gift to give your parent. Say like, hey, we're not even there yet. Like that isn't a conversation. Let's rewind and talk about just what we can do today.
Jayne: Something small. That feels different.
Carey: It does. And I think also, just a little tip. Remember, they, they have the things they like. And as, as people age, habits change with what they like to eat. And, and maybe the way they sleep. I had somebody call me and say, Well, my dad eats ice cream for dinner. I'm like, okay,
Heather: Mm hmm. I love that! 
Carey: You know, again, you look at the whole day, as long as he's getting [00:17:00] nutrition throughout the day, but if he chooses to sit and eat a bowl of ice cream for dinner, he deserves it. It's okay. He can treat himself. You know, we don't have to get so strict with everything and, militant. We'll make life enjoyable.
Jayne: Well, there's that balance. I bring it back into what is in the people's hearts. There's always good intentions paired with fear and good intentions paired with fear always like, well, I need you to be this way because then I can be comfortable that you're going to be okay. So letting go of that fear and embracing more of who people are and where they're at is is a liberating experience. It will free you from it.
Heather: And that's key in our book, Jayne, right? Key in the book is how do we, as adult children, what are the shifts that we need to make to support our aging [00:18:00] parent. I love that connection that you just made there, Jayne, because that is the, the, the, key element of the, the book Thriving in Chaos. What are the shifts that we need to make as the adult children to support our aging parent, that it can be more successful? That's beautiful. 
Jayne: Carey, you're the wise sage in our midst. I'm wondering what recipe you have for successful aging. What is your recipe?
Carey: Well, I would say move, move every day, every day. And if you have trouble, get somebody that can take walks with you. I think that's really important. Stay active, stay in a community, extremely important. If there are some things that you're not able to do anymore. Ask for help. 
Carey: It makes your life so much easier. And start early. It's okay to [00:19:00] start early. And I have a little story about people starting early. A couple that actually did not need help really, I mean, in comparison to others that really need help, these people were still very active. And they wanted to remain that way. They did not want to call on their families because, they wanted to remain independent from all of that. And, and they called us and they, they said, well, what we need is we need help with meals. We need to help with cleaning, changing the sheets, grocery shopping, just all the basics because this is going to save us, my wife, these are things she really doesn't want to do anymore. And so we need somebody. So we started doing that. They're about 80. We were there four days a week, just part like late afternoon to make dinner and do some of these other things.
Carey: And they [00:20:00] walked the Skyway, they went to Starbucks every day by themselves, they shared a coffee, they went to the theater on the weekends, they went out to dinner. They lived a great life,
Heather: Mm
Carey: But they wanted help just with those little things. Well, fast forward, now from 80 to 97, they did go into a home, a assisted living home.
Carey: He, he got sick. We stayed with them until his dying day. But he said, he always said, every time he went to the doctor, the doctor said, you are doing so well, and he would call and he'd say, it's because of you, you relieved so many, so much stress in our life that I was able to really live a lot longer than I was ever intended to, because he had, he had, a conjective heart failure, so he wasn't even supposed to be around that long, but with good eating, good nutrition, good care allowed him to [00:21:00] do the things he really loved doing.
Jayne: I love that. I heard two words. I don't want to do anymore is a lot different than I cannot do this anymore. And I wonder how awesome that is for somebody who's in an age is aging to be able to say, I will, I just don't want to do this anymore. I don't, I don't want to do this anymore. I don't want to clean my house. I don't want to. And how awesome it would be to just free yourself of that and think of that as an, not as an early support, but as like, Hey, I just don't want to do this anymore. But then also the relieving of stress and the role of stress on people's bodies and that sense of obligation that they have to continue to do things even though they don't want to do them and be able to just focus on the things that are going to keep them healthy.
Jayne: And those are, to me, those are like, oh, I'm hearing magic [00:22:00] words. I'm hearing magic words that we can use as adult children. What don't you want to do anymore? It's a lot different than what can't you do anymore.
Carey: And they enjoyed their daughter! They enjoyed their daughter when she came over and she did not have to worry about doing a lot of, a lot of things. She did certain things, but she, she knew that we were behind her, that there's somebody, somebody behind her
Carey: that she didn't have to take that on.
Jayne: That's the magic. That was a beautiful story, Carey. Just lovely. So, what other micro adjustments do you know that can be made to keep people safe? That can allow them to live independently longer for longer periods of time.   
Carey: It's that team it's, who are the neighbors that are, that are close who can, maybe go in a couple of times a week or check in. Somebody from [00:23:00] church. It's, it's just, it's just building the number of the people around you. The community I think is just, is so key and people love doing it.
Carey: I mean, there's so many people out there that really, really love to serve and to give their time and then have these great hearts for seniors. Let's take advantage of that. I mean, not in a bad way, but I think, ask, it's just so many people don't want to ask. They're so private and let's, let's open up a little bit to each other.
Jayne: Until recently, we had living behind us this couple that were aging and were really needing supports and we're very resistant to it, but even as their neighbor I knew I got to know their daughter because I realized I'm going to have to communicate with her because I'm the eyes. I'm the ears. I can see what's [00:24:00] happening. That might be something that adult children can think about is coming to visit and then going around and meeting the neighbors and getting some phone numbers and having some conversations while you're there, letting them know that you are available and that you want to hear from them.
Heather: That's huge. I've done that a couple of times on my journey, and it's a game changer. So if there's a weather event, or if there's a crisis or health emergency, they call me. And so I often hear from them first. And they're truth tellers, right, Jayne? I mean, you're like, you're there, you're seeing what's going on.
Heather: And rather than just getting part of the story, you can get a fuller picture. And that's been immensely helpful on my journey. So that's another great tip, Jayne. Yeah.
Heather: Great tip. 
Jayne: But we're part of the team. That's, what Carey mentions, that's what I love the clarification around what team means. It isn't necessarily bringing in paid resources. The team maybe starts with the people [00:25:00] around them and then expands from there and it might involve, a grocery delivery service that is a team member in this game we're playing.
Jayne: This has been such a great conversation.
Heather: Thank you, Carey.
Carey: Well, thank you for having me. Love talking about this. I love talking about this because it's, it's something that is, it's new. It's, when people are first dealing with it, it's, it's something that's, it's such new territory. So, it's, it's great to share.
Heather: Carey, this has been such a great conversation with you today and to think about all the opportunities and all the goodness that you've shared with us and our listeners. And we would like to invite you to join this conversation. Share your stories with us at people in the squeeze. com or drop us a line and our dms at people in the squeeze on ig or tiktok.
Heather: We are very excited that we are sharing our first book in a series "Thriving in Chaos: [00:26:00] navigating the Challenges of Aging Parents" now available on Amazon, or you can ask for it at your favorite local bookstore. So until we meet again, we want you to know when the days are really big and really hard that we see you, you are not alone.
Heather: You are doing the impossible and it's going to be okay.
Jayne: It's going to be okay.
Heather: Carey, thank you for joining us today.
Jayne: I am so grateful for you, Carey. Thank you so much.