Jayne: Hi, Heather!
Heather: Hi, Jayne!
Jayne: Hello, friends! and welcome to People in the Squeeze. So how are you today, Heather? 
Heather: I was thinking about when we were together last week and we bumped into a friend at the library and we had been sharing about our experiences and it was just humbling, affirming, all those things. When she started sharing while her parents had passed that she is just literally surrounded by friends that are struggling with aging parents.
And she brought up the storms that are coming into the lives of her friends and how unexpected, how stunning, how shocking they are. And I just got fired up. I don't know if you've had that same experience .
Jayne: Well I can't go a day without a conversation of some sort about it but I was, interestingly, at a birthday party for a family friend who rolled into a new decade. It was with family but not like the family you see every day.
It's more like the family you see once every five years , which is sometimes fun cause you got a lot to catch up on. My husband's not here. And so everyone's like, well, where's he? And I had to explain what's going on there. And, then what we were doing here at People in the Squeeze. And they're like, "Oh my gosh, I have to tell you." And it's every conversation starts that way. And you're like, geez. And they're like, through my parents marriages, I had five parents and somehow now caring for three parents, none of which are blood related to me. And I'm like, Whoa that's a lot! They keep it cool until somebody talks about it and then it's all this energy and it's hard not to get things fired up. 
But before we get all fired up, we need to just remind ourselves why we're here. 
We are here today in this moment. this is our time. And let whatever we're carrying right now settle into this moment. I'm going to facilitate what we call box breathing. It's a really quick and effective way to bring down the temperature in your body and by temperature, I'm not talking about fever.
I'm talking about the zing, right? The zing that might be in your body right now. And it's a really quick and effective way in a conversation on your own in a very heated moment to be able to bring the temperature down. So you can get your sense of agency again.
 It's called box breathing. We're going to breathe in for four beats. We're going to hold it for four beats and we're going to exhale for four beats. And then we're going to hold that for four beats and we'll do that twice. 
So you ready? 
Heather: Yes 
Jayne: Alright. So inhale one. 2, 3, 4, hold, 2, 3, 4, exhale, 2, 3, 4, hold, 2, 3, 4,. Let's try it one more time. Inhale, 2, 3, 4, hold, 2, 3, 4, exhale, 2, 3, 4, hold, 2, 3, 4. 
Heather: So good. So good. 
You know, Jayne, that was such a lifeline for me in some situations and some storms. We're talking about unexpected things in emergency room or just in moments where you're like, what the heck? It's always in your pocket. Your breath is always there. So I am so grateful for that time and that gift of the box breathing because it's really great.
Jayne: Yeah, and it's so easy. 
Heather: You know what, Jayne? Over the weekend, I saw the funniest IG. I watched it four or five times. It made me laugh. One, it just resonated with me too. It was just darn funny. And one of the pieces that are so important to us in our work here is like how do we talk about what's hard, but also find the humor and this I thought was just spot on perfect.
A woman is standing by the ocean. It's roaring like that is an active ocean and she's standing there and she says, you know, I'm just standing here and then amidst sentence out of nowhere. She doesn't even see it coming. This huge fish comes and smacks her in the face. Not only does it like not, I mean, it literally knocks her down.
And I thought Oh my gosh, that is spot on. Like we are in our lives. We are working, raising our families, doing our passion projects out of nowhere. This big fish called like taking care of your aging parent comes and knocks you down on your bum. And you just even see it coming. And you know, so funny.
But also sad and hard. And I think that's the dichotomy of the space that we're in. And that reminds me of a story of a friend that I was talking with. He's a successful, I mean, he was a CEO of a publicly held company. He has his stuff together. And when he heard about what we were doing, this is exactly what he said.
I want to read to you. "People tell you when you get married or have children, how much your life will change, but they don't say that when your parents are sick or aging, how much your life changes. No one is talking about it." And I thought, wow, that was so surprising to me because we don't talk about it.
This guy is so private and for him to chime in. It really helped me to realize wow, this is not on our radar. This we don't even see it on the horizon and how can we like make it better. And I think there are so many people like him out there where this role of the family caregiver is just so unexpected.
It's not part of the plan. We're not prepared for it. And we have to take on these huge responsibilities. Many of these things are out of our control. And I thought, wow, this is like a perfect conversation point for you and I to talk about because 
Jayne: Oh, for 
Heather: We have both lived through it. 
Jayne: And to your point, like getting slapped by the fish. It's this adage where you can only do really three things very well at one time.
 The woman is in the ocean. Things are rolling along. She's got her three things and everything is fine. And then the fish comes along and that's it. Like if you have families, you're running a household, you have a job. Maybe you have a hobby whatever those three things are, this kind of comes in and says, " Hello, no, one of those things has to go."
And still in all of our efforts to then hold on to those three things, because they're so precious to us, that's why they are the three things. We try and squeeze that fourth thing in, and then we end up sucking in all of it. And it's so hard because it catches people off guard.
 The point that your friend made, like we plan for it but we don't prepare for it. we don't prepare for this. 
We plan for so many things in our life. We don't prepare for this one thing. You and I have talked about this part of that is the problem in our culture where we think of aging as this large umbrella concept.
 There's these little triggers here and there that tell you, oh, now you've kind of moved into that aging, but there's not a real conversation about well, what is the progression of that aging and what happens in those moments along that pathway. And are there going to be instances where I need to be thoughtful and as somebody who's possibly taking care of somebody where I need to be prepared and think about like how I'm structuring my life in anticipation.
 Your friends story is really meaningful and relevant because for a lot of people it rings true.
Heather: Absolutely. Absolutely. Well, and that's part of what we're trying to do at People on the Squeeze, is make it a little easier, a little less isolating. And not everyone is comfortable about trying to find support systems, and I think most people don't even recognize that the need, because you are so in it. You are so in it, you are barely getting by. And to your point, when you add that fourth piece in just trying to keep your head above the water, you don't have time and energy to be going and looking for resources. Because again, it's not even on your radar.
Jayne: I wonder how this resonates with our friends joining us today. I wonder if, If you're finding yourself in the same spot where you're feeling like that unexpected. That fish has come and slapped you in the face, 
Heather: You find yourself on your bum. 
Jayne: And you're, yes, you are unexpectedly helping or caring for your aging parent. Maybe you're starting to see this on the horizon. 
Heather: It's coming. 
Jayne: Something's coming. Well, brewing. 
Part of the reason we're here is to make this easier, but also acknowledge that we see you, we know that this is really hard and that we're sorry that you have to be here. but we also, want to remind you that, breathing like we did earlier, is really helpful. Finding your own space to pause and take a beat and center yourself makes a difference. I also want to make sure that you think about reaching out for people. 
Yeah, I saw something this morning. It was a brilliant. It was a counselor and she had a balloon that she was trying to hold under the water and it took all her energy to try to hold under the water while she was talking and it popped and she said sometimes we can't hold it under the water.
Sometimes we can't deal with it and we need a compassionate counselor or professional to help get through it. And so I love your call out here, Jayne, that sometimes we can't hold that balloon down, it's just too much, and so out for help, which is something that I have done several times over my journey, I think is really important.
 And also to recognize that like all the legal and all the financial planning takes care of some administrative details and some big moments but it really doesn't chart a path. And so as much as you can, you have to remember there's this messy middle that happens and we have to acknowledge that exists so that we can prepare for it.
These are the things that are going to make it easier for you. Anticipating it. You know it's coming. You don't know when you don't know how but having conversations early really make a difference Continue to surround yourself with support. If you have a significant other or a partner take their temperature as to where they land on these things. What their expectations are. How much are they willing to help? The reality is, that's a key factor for a lot of people and if you don't have that significant other who's willing to help or able to help or just even present, who surrounds you that you can bring in as your tribe or your team, to say, "Hey I need some extra hands here."
Heather: I love that you said team because that is a key piece in going through this is who's on your team that you can surround yourself with. It's just too much for one person. It's too much.
Jayne: Lastly, but probably more importantly is to manage your own expectations and recognize that this is going to go at its own pace. There isn't like a timeline. There isn't something sort of saying, well, we are going to get this done before the holidays or this crisis is going to happen here when I have a window of time.
Because much like raising children, if you have children, there is no sense of that. It's humbling and also shocking how much you have no control of your schedule. And that's a little bit here. here. So it's going to be slow and that's okay you just need to find your flow. And, take what comes. 
Heather: Yeah, great takeaways. We would love to have you join this conversation and share with us at People in the Squeeze. com. Drop us a line in the our DMs at People in the Squeeze on IG or Tik Tok. We're just so excited to share with you that we have our first book in a series "Thriving in Chaos, A Guide to the Challenges of Aging Parents" coming out February 18th, which is in advance of da, National Caregiver's Day on February 21st.
We will be sharing excerpts from this book on socials, hosting events, and soon you'll have all the details on how to order an advanced copy. We're just delighted to bring you more tools, more resources to be able to navigate this space where you're not in control. You need new muscles to be able to survive this space, not only for you, but for your friends that you can be good friend and have these resources to share.
So I'm gonna wrap us up, Jayne. Until we meet again, we want you to know that when days are really big and really hard that we see you. You are not alone. You are doing the impossible and it's going to be okay.
Jayne: It is going to be okay.
Heather: We can do it. 
Jayne: Have a great day, Heather!
Heather: Thank you. You too, Jayne!