motherhood where sleep is a rumor and laundry
is eternal and somehow we're supposed to be raising
tiny humans through it all we're here to laugh
at the chaos cry when necessary and remind you
that none of us actually know what we're doing
this is no manual a mom cast your mom friend
group chat but with microphones welcome back
to no manual mom cast Hi everyone. Welcome back
to No Manual on MomCast. We are excited you are
joining us today. And today is kind of more like
a vulnerable podcast. Maybe like a check -in.
Yeah, a check -in. Hopefully, yeah, you guys
can kind of check in with yourselves as you're
like listening to this episode. But before we
hop into our question for today's episode, let's
talk about our mom moments of the week. Yeah,
I can go first. So if you're listening, you know
that my kids share a room. And so we have like
kind of a whole routine, bedtime routine around
trying to get them both to sleep. So typically
it's like, you know, we do the like normal routine,
brush teeth, pajamas, book, blah, blah, blah.
And then I nurse Zeta and Lloyd gets dad snuggles
with Stuart in our room while I nurse Zeta in
their room. So when Zeta's done nursing, usually
she's asleep by then. I put her in her crib.
We go get Lloyd and then Stuart puts Lloyd down
in his crib. Cute. And right now, Lloyd is very
talkative all the time and so before they go
into the nursery Stuart's always like okay Lloyd
we gotta be quiet and of course Lloyd is too
so he says no and then you're like no but really
but like actually you have to be quiet and then
he started saying wake up Zeta and I'm like no
definitely not so now every night before they
go into the into the nursery Stuart says don't
wake up zeta okay don't wake up zeta and so now
when lloyd wakes up he tells me this and so he'll
say dad says lloyd don't wake up zeta dad says
don't wake up zeta and he also uses her full
name i don't know why he does this steward doesn't
lloyd does so every time he says like don't wake
up zeta full name that's every time and you're
like Okay. I mean, yeah, great. Please don't
wake her up. Please let her sleep. Oh, my gosh.
It's so funny. What a cute guy. He always goes
through that every single morning. Because every
night Stuart says it. And then every morning
when I get them up, don't wake up Zeta. Yeah.
That's good advice. That is the theme of the
room here. Nice. Okay. So my mom moment also
revolves around sleep. I feel like a lot of our...
It's kind of the area and season we're in right
now. So I've talked about before, Colt. is not
a sleeper through the night still, which is a
struggle for us. And now, so he sleeps in a big
boy bed. It's a floor bed. And so he can climb
in and out of it and his like his thing. So when
he, when he wakes up in the night, he like climbs
out of bed and he opens his door and he sits
in his doorway and then like yells for us. He
goes, daddy, mommy, mommy, daddy. And he'll be
like, I awake. And sometimes he'll be crying.
Sometimes he'll just be calling for us. So the
other night, I remember hearing him get out of
bed. And so I kind of recall that happening.
I looked at the monitor and I'm like, oh, Colt's
awake. And I must have fallen asleep instantly
again, as an exhausted parent does. Of course,
yeah. And next thing I know, I hear a bang on
our bedroom door. Our bedroom is right next to
Colt's bedroom. It's kind of like angled. And
so it's really like not that far for Colt to
go to get to our bedroom door. He literally would
have to step like three steps. And so I like
hear a bang on our door. And then I like was
startled awake. And I like woke Michael up really
quick because he's the one who takes care of
Colt in the night when Colt wakes up. And so
I woke Michael up in like a panic because I was
like. how long has colt been out there i have
no idea is he like making eggs yeah right seriously
i'm like he knows i'm very grateful he's kind
of like taught himself to not like go out like
go downstairs at this point and so i like wake
michael up in a tizzy like colt is at our bedroom
door and he's like what and i was like yeah you
need to go out there he's at our bedroom door
and i'm trying not to wait cruise up because
cruise is in our room and so michael like opens
our bedroom door, which opens like into our bedroom.
And Colt like kind of like falls into our bedroom.
And Michael's like, oh my God, I think that was
his head that hit our door. Like Colt had fallen
asleep on our door. And that just broke my heart
because I was like, how long was he there? Just
waiting for us. Just waiting and just falls asleep
on the door. It broke my heart so much. And so.
unfortunate mom moment but also like kind of
funny but it's funny and it's cute yeah not also
no but also i felt terrible because i'm like
you know i hope in 10 years when he's turned
out okay and you know he doesn't have too much
trauma from this event then you can laugh at
it but from all the sleep sleep deprivation oh
my gosh okay yeah yeah it's like when you wake
up and have like all the notifications from the
camera of like crying crying crying you're like
how long were they crying that i was you feel
so bad yeah it's bad i like it as i get more
and more sleep deprived the the things that i
hear or don't hear are yeah a lot so um okay
well Let's just hop right in to today's episode.
So we kind of like came up with this episode
last minute of just feeling like we needed to
do like something a little more vulnerable. And
so as like a check -in episode, the general question
that we're each going to answer is what feels
hardest right now? And I figured we could do
mentally what feels hardest, physically what
feels hardest, emotionally, and then relationally.
And kind of hit all of those areas. I'm sure
there'll be some similarities and hopefully like
you guys, as you're listening, you can relate
to this or even think about like what feels hardest
for you right now in this season of motherhood
and do kind of like a general check -in for yourself.
Yeah. And hopefully this is relatable. Yeah.
Either that or people are just like, they're
crazy. Yeah. Like, wow, they need help. Why are
they mothers? Oh God. Okay. So do we want to
do. physically first what feels physically hardest
right now for you i mean definitely the sleep
deprivation we've talked about that a lot and
i feel like we have it so good every time you
tell me a story i'm like oh we're doing great
but but it can be so like so different i don't
know yeah i also so i start my job i work from
home but i start at 7 a .m every day yeah that's
crazy but just super early and in some ways that's
super nice with a lot of the other just like
logistics of our life But I have noticed that
it's like 4 a .m. to 7 a .m. that I feel like
I sleep the deepest. So then when I'm waking
up at 6 or 6 .30, it's like I'm missing a pivotal
hour of sleep. And are you trying, like when
you wake up, are you trying to like have a moment
to yourself? Are you just like, I'm going to
sleep until the last minute until I have to log
in? So it's kind of right in between. So like
a typical morning for me. My first alarm goes
off at 6. And then I usually sleep till about
6 .20. Get up, like, get dressed, brush teeth.
I don't do my makeup or anything. And then I
shower at night so I don't have to worry about
that in the morning. And then if, like... kids
are asleep and everything i usually try to read
my bible and then take a few minutes to do like
the new york times puzzles on my phone or like
some stuff like that so i do try to take a minute
but then you know obviously you know with little
kids some days that just doesn't happen yep and
then part of that is just to like actually wake
up before my job um yeah so i have like I guess
maybe like 10 minutes to myself before work,
which also makes it way more frustrating when
the kids don't sleep or like, yeah, wake up early.
They don't get that time. So yeah, I would say
like sleep deprivation is a big one right now
for me. I also feel like I just like don't have
energy, which I know is partially, you know,
the sleep thing, but just. It feels like I don't
have any mental energy left or we do have time
set aside once a week to go to the gym. And most
of the time when I get there, I'm like, I don't
want to work out. Like I want to sit in the sauna
and read my book. Yeah. And that's all I want
to do for this hour that we're at the gym. And
to be fair, there are weeks I definitely, that
is what I do. Yeah. I mean, actually the past
like month, we've just had like sickness going
in and out of our house. So I'm like. taking
care of my body in that way and getting healthy
yeah is more important than working out right
now so sitting in the steam room in the sauna
is like way more important but uh yeah where
it's like i know that the thing that would be
helpful for my body and like getting energy and
getting you know feeling better is to work out
but then i'm like by the time i get there i'm
so tired yeah i'm like i i've got nothing left
and then i think Again, physically, like right
now it's winter. And as we were speaking, it
is 14 degrees outside. Yes. So like in the summer,
we'll go on like little walks and stuff like
that that are really good ways to just like get
the blood pumping that's not fully working out.
Right. And it's like it's family bonding and
you're getting fresh air and you're getting sunshine
and all this, all these things that like naturally
make you feel better no matter what. And so in
the middle of winter when it's 14 degrees out,
That's just like not an option. Which is so unfortunate.
We were outside last night. We went to a movie
and Stuart and I were literally walking from
our car to the movie theater. And I was like,
I can't breathe or talk right now until we get
inside because it's so cold. Yeah. Literally
takes your breath away. Yeah. So I think like,
again, when it comes back to physically, the
winter makes it especially hard because there's
like, we can't go outside and do the like just
natural. Things that are physically good for
your body or at least make me feel better. I'm
not getting sunshine, which even though it is
sunny while it's 14 degrees out, I'm not sunbathing.
So I think if I'm boiling it down, the things
that are hardest physically are sleep deprivation
and then just wanting to be able to move my body
because I know that's going to make me feel less
sluggish. But feeling like I don't have the energy
to or the things that I do have the energy for
just are kind of out of reach right now. Yep.
I completely understand that. Mine is similar.
Mine, I just put like a general, I said self
-care. And so kind of hitting all of those aspects.
But like mostly just like, yeah, taking care
of my body. Even as simple as like. getting up
in the morning and washing my face in the morning.
Like that is something like if I can get up and
wash my face and brush my teeth in the morning,
I feel a hundred times better and like a hundred
times better prepared for my day. Yeah. compared
to days where I'm like I'm still in my pajamas
at 2 p .m I'm like I haven't brushed my teeth
you gotta have your daytime pajamas in your nighttime
yeah right switch my loungewear it's called loungewear
yeah for reals so that's like a huge game changer
for me and then like I have not this vulnerable
moment I have not worked out like an intentional
workout probably since before i got pregnant
with cruz okay yeah i i think i've had a couple
actually i was really good at working out when
i was pregnant with zeta surprisingly good for
you since she's been born it's been like hit
or miss yeah and i know like that is something
that's just like in me that i'm like i know i
need to do this and i my body is like craving
it But I just cannot like find the motivation
or find the time and energy like within myself
to do it. And I know that's like not an excuse
at all. And I know like I know the feeling of
like the adrenaline after a workout where you
feel like you can like you can take on the world
and you feel so good and like so much more energized
for your day. And I know that feeling and I want
that feeling. But I just don't know how to like
get past the like. not doing it and actually
doing it. Yeah. And it's tough now to like with
kids, because I know before we had kids, Stuart
and I would go to the gym like three days a week.
Yeah. And now it's like, oh, well. first of all
that takes up an entire evening anyways even
when you don't have kids but when you don't have
kids and it's like oh we get home we're fine
having dinner at like 7 or 8 p .m yeah and you
know having like you know we can stay up a little
bit later because if we don't you know if we
are a little bit tired tomorrow it's not a big
deal whatever but when you have kids you're like
we have to have dinner done by 7 if possible
yes exactly and yeah just like all of these logistical
things uh one thing that did help me just like
mentally i guess there's a mom i follow on instagram
who i think she had three kids in four years
okay um so they're all really close together
and i don't know her whole story but i if i remember
right it's a little bit of like not feeling great
in her body and now she's kind of gone on this
workout journey not necessarily to like look
a certain way but more to like feel the way she
wants to feel and she said she's like i couldn't
consistently do this until my kids were sleeping
through the night and that gave me just like
such a oh yeah i'm usually up at least once a
night yeah if not multiple times i know you guys
are up on you just don't sleep yeah pretty much
so like that gave me just like almost permission
like not that i should need permission from a
stranger on it on the internet but just like
that yeah a reminder i guess of like oh yeah
like This is part of my life right now is I'm
not sleeping through the night. And so my body
also just needs energy to survive the day. And
so putting that energy someplace else. And I
think that's a big part of why I'm like walks
are so nice because that's something we do as
a family and it's pretty low. You're still moving
your body. We love walks. I love taking the boys
on walks. That's a big thing that we do. I think
in my head I'm not categorizing that as working
out. I think of something that's really getting
my heart rate going, cardio. But I really do
like that because that gives me permission. Yeah,
it just changes your perspective, I feel like.
Yeah, and I don't know. There is so much online
where it's like, oh, no, you've got to bounce
back. If you wait, then you're going to lose
moments. Yeah, yeah. Sometimes you do just need
to rest your body. Yeah, and I think that we
don't have gym memberships. I would really like
to get like some stuff for our house just because
I feel like there's not a great time for like
either of us to like go to the gym. Like we really
honestly can't afford like gym memberships right
now. And we're trying to like save money. Especially
if you're like, when are we going to go? Yeah.
I'm like, is it even worth it if we're not like
going at consistent times each week? Yeah. I
think we're. I'm like, in my head, I know I want
to make that change slightly, not to like the
extreme at this point, but I think I need to
take care of my body a little better. We have
been eating a lot better, which I'm super grateful
for. And I already feel like I'm feeling a little
better because of that. Like when the, I don't
know, when the second week of January hit, we
were like, oh my gosh, we need to save some money.
savings is not going up. It's going down. And
so the week after that, we legit spent, other
than like groceries, we spent $0 and we were
so, so like proud of ourselves for that. Yeah,
that's awesome. Like no unnecessary spending
except for essentials, like no eating out, no
like random Amazon purchases. And so that is
the hard one for me because it's so easy for
me to just buy anything. And so that I think,
helped us start on this track of like, yeah,
this is like the third week or something that
we've been, yeah, we've spent a little bit of
money, but just eating at home way more, like
really thinking through our meals a lot better.
And so I think that has helped a little bit with
the self -care side of it. But yeah, I think
overall physically, yeah, the hardest thing for
me right now is focusing on my self -care because
I don't feel like I have a lot of time for myself.
like face mask like a clay mask or whatever yeah
like at least once a week if not like two or
three times and now i mean i probably could find
a time to do it yeah it's again it's just the
energy thing where it's like yeah yeah i put
it on and then watch a movie or watch you know
the office or whatever but Somehow that extra
step, it just feels like the impossible task
for all these little things. Sure, that would
probably make me feel better on a daily basis,
but I don't know how I'm going to do that. Yesterday,
both kids were napping at the same time. I took
a shower for the first time in a week. Put teeth
whiteners on. After my shower, I put the little
gel eye mask things. got all that off and then
literally both kids woke up screaming bloody
murder and i was like awesome there you go but
you you got a little bit yeah i was like that
prepared me i think a little bit more than i
have been trying to drink a glass of water before
i have anything else to drink that's smart and
i think that has made me feel a little bit better
and like at least helped like some of the like
mom rage and stuff like that yeah that's good
because i was real there was days when i was
like i don't know if i drank water today oh i've
have many of those days yeah it's like i know
i've had two dr peppers which must have a little
bit of water there's something in there i think
it's on the ingredients list somewhere um but
no water so i've been trying to even if i just
like chug a glass of water before I get to whatever
caffeinated beverage I need for the day. That's
smart. I've been trying to do that. I think that's
helped me feel a little better. Yeah, that is
really smart. I found that I'm getting super
thirsty in the night. Oh, all the time. Like
chugging water. And I'm like, is this because
I have it? I have a 40 -ounce water bottle next
to my bed that I try to make sure is full every
night. Yes. I'm like, if I don't have my water
next to me at night, I will probably die of dehydration.
But I'm like, is my body just like, so thirsty
because i forgot to drink water all day or is
this like hormonal and because i'm breastfeeding
it's probably a little bit of both but i'm like
oh this is my time that i drink all my water
is at two in the morning and then you have to
pee because you just drink yeah 20 ounces of
water at 2 a .m yep exactly okay let's move on
to what feels hardest for you mentally okay mentally
i think there's like a couple of things. One
is just the like constant everything all the
time. Right. Especially like, you know, being
a, like essentially a working stay at home mom.
It's like, okay, kids are down for a nap. Now
I have to try to get as much work done as possible
in that timeframe. You know, I'm working in other
times too, but it feels like there's not a second
to just like, let my mind be blank. And. Yeah,
so that and then there's just like this constant
decision making. Stuart was giving me like kind
of a hard time because I've never been like a
great decision maker. Oh, same. He's teased me
since like the beginning of our relationship
about that. And sometimes it's because I'm like,
I legitimately do not care. So why would I make
a decision on something I legitimately don't
care about? Like if you care, please, you make
the decision and I will be fine with whatever
decision you make. Right. Yeah. Yeah. And not
in the like fake. you decide on the restaurant
and I tell you that's not what I want. It's like,
no, I just actually want you to decide on the
restaurant. But, oh, when he was a kid, his mom
would always get cashew chicken for them if they
went to Chinese, if they got Chinese food. Like,
that was the order forever. Wow. As far as I
know, like, even past the point where they were
old enough to, like, make their own decisions,
she would still just get cashew chicken. That's
so funny. And I was like, I mean, I kind of get
it from, like, when you have little kids where
it's like, We're just going to do this every
time because then I don't have to think about
it every time. And Stuart made a comment about
how he's like, well, I don't think everyone has
as hard time making decisions as you do. I was
like, that might be true, but that also tells
me you don't understand how many decisions I
make every single day because now it's different.
You know, five years ago when we first got married,
it's like I just didn't want to make decisions.
And that's different where now I'm like, I decide
three people's outfits. Every single day. I mean,
Lloyd's starting to have opinions about what
he wears. That's funny, yes. But I have three
people that I have to decide what we wear every
single day. I have, I decide breakfast. I mean,
I have made a like decide once for breakfast
for the most part. But I decide meals for every
single meal of the week with a couple of exceptions.
Like church, we always just go get bagels at
church. Yeah. You know, so that's Sunday. So
yeah, just like. It feels like there's always
a decision that has to be made. Decision fatigue.
Yeah. And then, you know, even stuff where it's
like Lloyd asks, can we watch Cars right now?
It's like, well, like, is that a good choice
right now? Yeah. You're thinking way down the
line of like, if he watches this right now, what
will the rest of our day look like? What is the
rest? Is there a different day this week that
that would be easier for us to watch Cars? Like
that would be more beneficial for me. Yes. Yeah.
There's just like a million little decisions.
It feels like every single second, you know,
like, okay, what kid do I put down for a nap
first? You know, which one, you know, I kind
of know like this typically works best, blah,
blah, blah. But it's just constant decisions.
And it's a lot. Yeah. There's no time for your
brain to just stop. Unless, I mean, even I'm
sure when we're sleeping too, it's still just
like. processing and yeah because then you have
like i don't know if you get it but i'll have
weird dreams like about something oh yeah yeah
it's like well i don't even want to be thinking
about that when i'm awake why am i thinking about
it when i'm asleep i know i know a lot of my
like recurring dreams are me just like working
at my computer oh perfect yeah and i'm like cool
my brain can't even stop working when i'm sleeping
one of the this is a little bit of a tangent
but Back in the day, I interned at our church
when one of our campuses was load in, load out.
And I would have to be there at 6. I would have
to be an hour away at 6 a .m. And the night before,
I would regularly dream about loading in. So
I would dream that I got to work, got to church,
helped set up church. And then I would wake up
and have to. And actually do it. You're like,
I've practically done this twice. But yeah, the
dream's about work and just decisions. So rough.
What's mentally hardest for you right now? For
me, I would say at least in my head, this is
an expectation that I feel like I've put on myself.
Not that my husband has put this on me or anything
like that. But really just trying to keep everything
in order and then feeling like I'm failing at
everything because it's not in the order that
I am wanting. So like, I don't know, just feeling
like I'm not good enough in any area. So I'm
not good enough with like keeping the house together.
I'm not good enough as a mom. I'm not good enough
as a wife. I'm not good enough as an employee.
Like all those things that I feel like I'm just
like. Dropping the ball in and not keeping everything
together. Yeah. And just feeling like I'm failing,
which is like nobody's telling me that I'm failing
in any way. Right. It's just totally in my mind.
And you see all the things that you dropped throughout
the day. Yeah. Like the laundry that's continues
to pile up at home is telling me that I'm not
keeping my house in order. Like little. Things
like that where I'm like, okay, someone's emailed
me a second time because I forgot to email them
back the first time. That's telling me that I'm
dropping the ball in that area. Or when Cole
is like, watch me, mom. And I'm like, hold on,
buddy. I'm doing this email. And then he gets
sad because I don't stop to watch it. Those are
things that I'm like, nobody's telling me I'm
failing, but I feel like I am in some aspects.
And some days are better than others for sure.
Or some days are more than others. Yeah. I just
think that it goes back to like energy and like
all those things. Like if I had more energy,
maybe I could have more energy to actually. To
distribute. To distribute to all of those areas.
Do you feel like you have days where you do feel
like you're doing a good job at anything or everything
or any of that? Very rarely, to be honest. I
would say the days that I feel that the most
are the days that my husband are home. Okay.
So yeah, weekends, Fridays and Saturdays, I feel
the most like on top of it because I feel like,
okay, I can like, the kids can play with Michael
for a bit so I can like go and focus on this
laundry. Right. Or yeah, I'll even. I will even
try to like get some extra work emails done on
the weekend just because I'm like, okay. Get
caught up. Yeah, I need to get caught up. Or
like last weekend I made sourdough. Like random
things out of nowhere where I'm like, I don't
know. I feel like I have a little bit more time
because I have an extra set of hands. For sure.
And my husband is, I mean, he's extremely involved.
When he's home, he is with the kids. He's making
dinner. He's helping in every single area that
he can be. But there is something about like
those solo parenting days that are just wearing
me thin. It's rough for sure. It's so rough.
And I would not trade it for the world. I think
ideally if my husband could be home with me every
single day, I would take that. Absolutely. For
sure. Like I am not someone who's like needs
to be independent. Yeah. I am entirely codependent.
It's terrible. But like I totally am. My husband
would say I am. But if I could do every single
day like with all four of us, 100%. Yeah, Stuart
took some time off in December. And even though
I was working, I was like, this is amazing. Yeah.
We could like – I could survive. Yes. Like I
feel like I could take on the world. Yeah. I
think – I feel a lot of the same way. I mean
I think that's super normal to just like feel
like you're failing and everything. For me, I
think I have like one day a month where somehow
I just have like this burst of energy. And it's,
you know, it's like the kitchen is clean and
I baked cookies and, you know, all the things.
But the hard part about that is then it makes
the rest of the month that, you know, I'm not
that way. who is she? Like, why could I do it
on, you know, January 7th, but not the rest of
the month. And why, you know, or however, you
know, however long is between these like little
bursts. I wonder if it has to do with like our
cycles. Cause I totally relate to you. I just
got my cycle back. So I don't know what it is.
Oh, really? Okay. But I told like sourdough day
last weekend, I felt like I could take on the
world. I made sourdough. I cleaned the kitchen.
Like, yeah. And legit. I think I was solo parenting
that day. Yeah, I mean, that happens to me, again,
not all the time, but I, like, do get these.
And I can, like, kind of recognize it. Like,
yeah, it's, oh, my gosh, the kitchen is, like,
fully cleaned. All the dishes are put away. The
sink was wiped down. When was the last time I
wiped the sink? For reals. All the laundry is
put away. You know, we have, like, a side table
in our, like, living -ish area that just, like,
is the catch -all. Like, I cleaned that up. All
this. And then. The next week when dishes are
sky high and nothing is done and, you know, there's
food on the floor from three days ago that I'm
like, oh, I should clean that up so Zeta doesn't
try to eat it because she's for sure going to.
Then like it's almost more discouraging. Yeah.
Because I'm like, what am I doing wrong now?
Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. That last week when I had my
sourdough day, I remember Michael got home and
he was like, oh, my gosh, like the house looks
so clean right now. And I'm like, yeah, and I
made sourdough. And he's like, what? I was like,
I don't know. I don't know. I don't know what
got into me. Yeah. And I was like in a good mood.
I was like, I totally related it to where am
I in my cycle? I don't know. Which also, which
does make sense. There is a lot around that.
Yeah. But yeah. So yeah, overall mentally, like
I don't feel like I'm like in a terrible place
or anything like that. I just feel like I'm like
just dropping the ball. Yeah. And no one's telling
me that. It's just kind of like a mental battle
happening. So, okay. Do we want to do, I guess
maybe emotionally. Okay. Let's do emotionally.
It's definitely like a day -to -day thing. And
100 % related to how much sleep I got the night
before. Yes. Just like the patience I have for
my kids. And, you know, again, some days are
days when I'm like, I am the world's best mom.
I was so patient with every single thing. And
then the next day it's like. you didn't do something
fast enough and now i'm getting frustrated even
though this is on me for expecting a two -year
-old to put down his toys fast enough or whatever
that is i think one thing that's been really
hard for me lately is concern i is almost the
right word i think for how my different kids
are feeling where it's like oh so I read a lot
more books with Lloyd than I do with Zeta. Not
because I don't want to read books with Zeta,
but because Lloyd, first he asks me, but also
when I try to read with Zeta, usually she's just
like wiggling and wants to get down and crawl
around. Like she doesn't want to sit still, which
is fine. But then in my head, I'm like, oh, does
she see me sitting here on the couch reading
with Lloyd? Not reading with her. Again, not
because I'm intentionally excluding her. But
in her mind, is she like, oh, she likes Lloyd
more than me. Dude, I feel that all the time.
And then also vice versa, where it's like there
are different things. You know, I still nurse
data to sleep. So does Lloyd think like, oh.
mom likes zeta more because she's getting snuggles
to sleep and i just have to like lay in my crib
until i fall asleep by myself like and there's
a million different things throughout the day
for you know each one of them both of them where
i'm like do they think i like their other sibling
better because of this attention that i'm giving
is different Of course, that's not true. You
know, and I don't know what's going through their
heads, but there's just like that battle in my
head of like, am I doing this wrong? Like, should
I include Zeta with every single book, even though
she doesn't seem to want to? Or like, should
I hold Lloyd till he falls asleep too? You know,
like, I don't know. No, I feel like, I feel that
a hundred percent too, where I'm like, I feel
like Cruz is kind of in that age where he like.
We'll sit there and he'll like kind of play with
toys and, you know, but he doesn't want to sit
and read a book with me. Right. Whereas like
Colt, we have like a full nap time, bedtime routine
with him. Cruz, it's like, all right, time to
go to sleep, buddy. Good night. Yeah. Yeah. Like
feed you to sleep and that's it. But I'm not
like reading books with you, telling you your
affirmations and praying with you. Like, and
I feel that. For sure. Where I'm like, I wonder
if this is like instilling something in his brain
or even vice versa. Right. Of like, yeah, mommy
doesn't love me as much as she loves my brother.
Yeah. Gosh, yeah. I totally relate to that. And
then we would like more kids. So part of me is
like, is this just going to get worse? Yeah.
Like, you know, how is this going to work? So,
yeah, it's just, it's really hard to. try to
find that balance and not know. Like that, I
think that's the hardest part. Like if I could
have, you know, Lloyd tell me like, oh no mom,
I get it. Or like, no mom, like I do feel that
way. Then I could address it somehow, you know,
whether that's like trying to explain it to him
or adjusting something, you know, or whatever
that would look like. But I don't know. And I
think that's one of the hardest things is like,
oh, I don't know. is that maybe it's not affecting
them maybe zeta's like i'm happy to be playing
on my own right now yeah um and lloyd is leaving
me alone i don't know but yeah it's just like
that battle in my head i feel yeah and like am
i responding to things the right way like is
my response to this gonna be like their villain
origin story you know yeah because you know i
overreacted or i underreacted or the other day
so we have a three -story house in our kitchen
is on our second floor so bringing groceries
in is a little bit annoying so i'm like carrying
the like crate of groceries it's all of our almost
all of our groceries and lloyd is climbing up
the stairs and he like slipped or something he
was okay he didn't like get hurt but just enough
that he wanted a kiss on his hand oh and so i
was like okay buddy i'll give you a kiss when
we get upstairs and he just like broke down crying
and then i feel terrible because i'm like i mean
i can't i can't set the groceries down right
now like they're gonna fall down the stairs we're
halfway up the stairs and so there's just like
things like that and you're like should i have
set the groceries down to yeah stop and yeah
there's just so many like what am i doing wrong
am i doing everything wrong am i doing anything
right and just yeah feeling the guilt when like
there are times when it's like i know i responded
to that wrong yeah and there's so much guilt
that comes with that every single time um and
like i'm gonna be better next time and then and
then it happens again yeah yeah no i feel that
for sure the amount of times i've apologized
to colt especially i'm like I think it's so,
it is so healthy. We've talked about this before.
So healthy to apologize to your children, to
be an example of that. But I'm like, I just,
there's times where I'm like, okay, I'm going
to do better in that area. And then it happens
again or whatever. And yeah. Okay. Mine totally
relates to that. And my, what feels hardest for
me emotionally is just being like emotionally
available for everybody in my life. And I think
of like, an example of like Colt is having a
hard time. So he's crying and he says, mama,
pick me up. And I'm like, so I pick him up and
then Cruz is crawling and crying and coming over
to me and wants me to pick him up. And so I'm
just like trying to hold two crying babies. And
it's just, it's hard. And it feels like the weight
is just too much sometimes. And then almost the
side of it is like trying to be so emotionally
available for everyone. That I feel just like
dry or like emotionally detached from things
and almost emotionless in my own life, I guess,
if that makes sense. Yeah. Where I'm like, oh,
I almost feel like monotone to everything and
like that I'm trying to be so emotionally available
for my kids and like support them and help them
and be there for them that I don't know. When
the last time I have had an emotional, I don't
know, reaction or like I just feel monotone.
I don't know. That's the only way I can think
of. Yeah. Where it's like every day is just kind
of same thing. Yeah. It almost feels like you
don't have time to deal with your own emotions,
which is probably part of the problem half the
time for like with like mom rage and stuff. Right.
Well, I haven't. let myself feel anything so
here's this big outburst because yep because
because of that yeah and at the same time i'm
like i don't know what i what i necessarily need
or like do i need a good like vent sesh do i
need to like just cry for like an hour i don't
know do i need to watch a movie intentionally
to make myself cry yeah yeah and so i don't really
like know what i need but it's like it's hard
to be emotionally connected i guess to my husband
to uh our kids if i i don't know i feel i think
it's sleep deprivation for sure yeah too But
like feeling just attached in that area. I don't
know what the solution is there, but it's hard
to just like be there, be the person for so many
people. Yeah. It's a blessing. For sure. Yeah.
I want to be that person for so many people,
but it can be super hard too. Yeah. Super hard
emotionally. And then you're like, what do I
need to do? so that I can be there for everyone
in like a healthy and productive way versus just,
yeah, just there. Just like there. Yeah. Yep.
So who knows? Okay. Last one. What feels hardest
for you relationally right now? So, I mean, I
think there's like a couple of, you know, I guess
it depends on like relationship, right? I'm like,
I know, like I'm not a really good friend right
now. Just like, I forget to respond to people
and like I want to set up time to like hang out
with friends but then the thought of even like
starting that process I'm like I don't have the
energy to even think about like what days I'm
available and then I have to you know again pre
-kids it would be like I'm gonna get brunch on
Saturday with my friends and like hey Stuart
is this like do we have anything Saturday I'm
thinking like Carly and I are gonna get brunch
on Saturday yep sounds great cool And that's
the extent. Where now it's like, okay, we want
to get brunch on Saturday. Okay, well, what are
the kids doing? Do we have plans with them? That
means you're going to be alone with them. Is
that okay? You're their dad, so it's not like
I'm asking you to babysit, but also it's different
than before when it was like, now you just have
time to yourself because now you have this time
being respectful. It's actually harder. Yeah.
And then you're trying to time it. if we go at
10 can i try to be back for nap time right at
noon or whatever exactly and then even like within
that if you have plans you know again there was
a time when it's like oh i was planning for two
hours but we were having really good conversations
so we just hung out for four hours instead yeah
and now that's just kind of out of the question
yeah so yeah i think like friend wise it's like
i'm just like not a good friend and i also don't
even like know where to start And, you know,
at this point in time. And then, like, relationally
with Stuart, we're, so we're really good, a really
good parenting team. Like, we know that. But
it's also really hard being married. You know,
like, when we have time alone together, we always
have something to do. You know, it's like, I
have a podcast recording. He edits our podcast.
You know, there are dishes to be done and trash
to be taken out. Or sometimes it's like, I just
want to brain rot because I just need to. And
then that just makes it really hard because you're
like, oh, we don't hang out. I like you, but
we don't hang out. Yeah. We're around each other
a lot. We do a lot of things together, but it's
going to Costco. Oh, don't forget, we do need
eggs. We used more this week. Are we out of milk?
I don't know. Let me check. You know, a lot of
what we do. Or we're going to go to a park and
play with our kids, which is great. And we love
that. But it makes it hard to like keep the marriage
part going, I guess. Yeah. No, I feel that for
sure. I always have like had a hard time understanding
like when empty nesters say it's like hard to.
I don't know. They're like relearning their relationship.
And like I think as we've had kids, I can totally
see that side of it where it's like you get so
like deep into parenting and like that side of
it that it's hard. It's not that you don't love
each other and you don't like each other anymore.
It's just relearning how to like to just be the
two of you again. Like, oh, we like we've prioritized
something else for so long than now. Like it's
time to prioritize each other again, which is
so hard because your marriage should be the priority.
What I've been taught is it's like your marriage
comes first, then your kids. And it's so, when
kids are such a, there's so much to it. Yeah.
Well, I think the hard thing with that is the
immediate needs of your kids obviously have to
come first. Yeah. You know, it's like, you know,
if I have three people in my house who are hungry,
stewart can get his own dang snack right whereas
like zeta and lloyd can't and i have to take
care of them and obviously like you know in that
scenario it's like we're gonna tag team we're
like i'll probably nurse zeta and stewart will
get lloyd a snack and then he'll get his own
snack you know so it's like the immediate needs
of your kids come first and i think that makes
it really easy to slip into the oh relationally
yeah that you know your spouse then ends up coming
second because these immediate needs need to
be met all the time. Yeah. That's so true. I
think that's really hard. And then again, you're
exhausted. It's like, what do we even want to
do for date night? Just like take a nap. I don't
know. Like literally. Yeah. Like I want to do
stuff with you, but also I'm tired and want to
go to sleep. And yeah. So that makes it really
hard. Yeah. Okay. Relationally for me, I kind
of just thought of like the spouse side of it.
So I think like, Being intentional with Michael
is really hard for me right now because I'm so
tired. And yeah, when we get to the end of the
day, I mean, our kids are having a hard time
going to sleep right now. As you know, like the
other night, we didn't walk out of Colt's room
until 10 p .m. And at that time, it's like, okay,
the house still needs to be reset. So we're like,
we're trying to clean, trying to like not have
dishes. piled up at you know and make our house
stink and by that time we're sitting on the couch
at 10 30 10 45 and literally that night yeah
10 p .m walk out of colt's room and we like did
like the like back and forth back and forth and
in this time cruise had woken up like three times
already and so we were just spent and i think
finally yeah like 10 30 hit we'd clean the house
and i was like i don't have anything left in
me i'm going to bed Yeah. I got to go to bed.
And so not saying that that's a good example
of a night because it's not like every night
for us. Sure. Thank God. But I think like that's
just an example of like the intentionality that
I need to have towards my spouse and wanting
to spend time with him and talk with him. And
it's just I don't have any energy left at the
end of the day. I also, I don't know if this
happens to you guys, but I feel like there are
lots of nights for me where I'm, like, the day
goes fairly well. And, or, like, I'm in a good
mood. Even if it doesn't go well, but, you know,
somehow there's that, like, random good mood,
even though it was chaotic that day. You're,
like, you know, tonight's going to be the night
we're going to, like, do something together.
Whether it's, like, intentionally watch a movie
instead of just, like, put something on or, like,
play a game together. Like, you know, just, like,
be, like. close to each other whatever and then
that's always the night that it's like oh and
bedtime was a war and so then you're like well
i had these plans but now like all of the energy
i had for that gone yeah like i think that happens
to me frequently yes it's like okay i had every
intention of like making something good happen
tonight yeah and and now and now there's like
no chance of it because yeah Yep. And it's obviously
just the season that we're in, but it's also
not fair to my husband. Like I know I need to
be more intentional and just emotionally available
for him and like check it in. And it's so hard
whenever you're just, you're so tired. And so
we also need to prioritize date nights, which
is so hard without family around. Like we're
having to plan for a babysitter. We're super
blessed in that because like we have a set, day
every month that nice my mother -in -law takes
lloyd overnight and then once zeta's sleeping
through the night someday um she'll take zeta
too so like yeah we're super blessed in that
but yeah if you have to plan for a babysitter
and yeah and then also everything's so expensive
it is anytime you're like let's just Like somehow
we spent $17 ,000 on dinner and a movie. How
did we do that? Well, yeah, there's the side
of it too where I'm like, I'm paying for the
babysitter. That in itself, I'm like, okay, let
me pay like 60 bucks or whatever for a couple
hours. We're going to dinner. That's another
50 bucks. Then, yeah, maybe a movie. What? Another
30, 40 bucks. I'm like, this date night's $175.
Yeah. I'm like, yeah, you're worth it. Absolutely.
But do we have the budget for it? it right now.
Probably not. Yeah. Yeah. And so we need to be
more creative about like date nights at home
and just like doing something other than like
rotting on the couch, you know, like play a card
game and just something out of the norm. And
so I think there needs in my head, I need to
be more intentional about thinking things through
like that. But then again, you go back to the
like decision fatigue or like, I don't want to
make another decision. Exactly. Yeah. You do
this. Yeah. Right. And then when he doesn't,
you're like, I'm mad at you because you didn't
do this. Yes. My expectations were higher than
this and now I'm disappointed. Exactly. Gosh.
Well, I feel like I'm doing okay in most of these
areas, but this was a good like mindset check
in. And hopefully like as you guys are listening.
to this that you are able to check in with yourself
and see how you're doing in these areas and maybe
even check in with your partner and yeah just
it it's okay like hopefully this shows you that
you're not alone in these areas yeah again either
you're gonna relate hardcore or we're gonna find
out we were struggling way harder than we thought
we were Hey, at least we're together. That's
true. At least it's the two of us. Yeah. So at
least we have each other. Hopefully you're doing
great and not struggling. So you're doing better
than we are. Yeah. Yeah. Well, do we want to
end with our wins of the week? Sure. Okay. So
I already talked about like our bedtime routine.
And one of the things that Stuart's been doing,
this is maybe it's more of like his win than
mine, but I'm going to share it anyways. When
he... does like dad snuggles with lloyd he's
been practicing bible verses and so the one he's
practicing right now is trust in the lord your
god with all your heart lean not on your own
understanding and in all your ways submit to
him and he will make your path straight so lloyd
knows the whole verse we have to like kind of
prompt him in sections but he knows the whole
verse so the other day you know bedtime's done
blah blah blah and i like go into you know let
stewart and lloyd know that zeta's done and Stuart
goes, Lloyd, what do we say to Zeta when she's
crying? And he goes, trust in the Lord. And Stuart
was like, that wasn't what I taught him to say.
So he just said that completely unprompted. Trust
in the Lord. Zeta, trust in the Lord. That's
just the cutest thing. That's so cute. And like
the most wholesome thing I've ever heard in my
whole life. Oh my gosh. Like that's not what
my instinct to tell my child would be when they're
crying. Trust in the Lord. But now like. Oh my
gosh. If you're crying, trust in the Lord, you
know. That's amazing. So cute. That's so cute.
Okay. Your win made me think of one. So I'm changing
mine on the spot. So every night we've been reading
like there's, we have like a children's Bible.
We probably have the same one. Yeah, probably.
I think it's from church that gave it to us,
but it has all like the Bible stories in like
kid version. The very last page. Well, we always
read, there's a page that has planets on it.
And it's talking about like the creation of earth.
And so we always read that page. And then we
always read the David and Goliath story. And
then last night he was, he's like a couple more
pages. And we're like, it was already 830 at
this point. I was like, we're already way past
bedtime. And so I was like, Michael, just read
like on the last page, there's like an accept
Jesus into your heart page. Like, and so Michael's
like, okay, we'll do this one. And not that we're
like. Okay, it's time to accept Jesus into your
heart. Colt, you're two years old. Come on. Get
it together, buddy. No, but Michael's like, okay,
buddy, repeat after me. And Michael just like
starts saying it. And then Michael's like, oh,
buddy, you don't have to repeat after me. But
Colt like repeated the whole thing after him.
And it was so cute. Yeah, it was like, and when
you want Jesus to forgive you of your sins. And
Colt's like, Jesus, forgive me of our sins. That's
so cute. I'm just sitting there like, oh my God,
this is the cutest thing ever. And I can't wait
for the day that this is like actually happening.
And I'm glad I said yes to the couple more pages.
Yes. Yeah. So I'm like, I think this is going
to be like every night now is reading this prayer
of acceptance. That's actually another hard thing
is all the little things that like another book,
another like mom just like sit with me on the
couch, all those things that it's like, I know
someday I'm going to. be mad that i didn't say
yes more but right now i'm so tired yes like
and we've got to have some boundaries there's
got to be like the healthy sometimes the answer
is no yeah which is so hard when it's like yeah
one more book okay yeah so hopefully you guys
uh relate to this in some way yeah let us know
what you think follow us on instagram at no manual
podcast and tell your friends about us i don't
know yeah we'll see you guys next week see you
next week Well, that's enough oversharing for
today. If you enjoyed hanging out with us, hit
subscribe so you don't miss the next round of
chaos. And if you're listening while hiding in
the bathroom from your kids, no judgment, we
see you. Thanks for joining us on No Manual Momcast,
where motherhood is messy. At least we can laugh
about it together. That's so cute.