WEBVTT 00:00:12.740 --> 00:00:16.039 Welcome back to No Manual on MomCast, where we're 00:00:16.039 --> 00:00:18.059 here just to talk about the reality of motherhood, 00:00:18.140 --> 00:00:21.519 the good, the bad, all the things in between. 00:00:21.940 --> 00:00:25.920 And today we're with Stacey Wright, who I've 00:00:25.920 --> 00:00:28.739 known for a very long time. And she's going to 00:00:28.739 --> 00:00:30.440 talk about her experience being a single mom. 00:00:30.859 --> 00:00:32.979 So Stacey, do you want to introduce yourself 00:00:32.979 --> 00:00:35.439 a little bit? Like where you're from, what you 00:00:35.439 --> 00:00:39.640 do right now? All right. I hadn't thought about 00:00:39.640 --> 00:00:42.399 where I was from until we were just talking about 00:00:42.399 --> 00:00:45.520 California. Originally from California, been 00:00:45.520 --> 00:00:48.899 here in Colorado for almost 20 years. So definitely 00:00:48.899 --> 00:00:53.520 feel like this is home now. Currently, I'm a 00:00:53.520 --> 00:00:56.799 seamstress and I do costume work and weddings 00:00:56.799 --> 00:01:00.640 and everyday clothes too. And I've taught over 00:01:00.640 --> 00:01:04.159 the years as well. Awesome. Great. Yeah, that's 00:01:04.159 --> 00:01:07.140 great. Well, let's go ahead and hop into our 00:01:07.140 --> 00:01:10.379 mom moments. Erica, do you want to share yours 00:01:10.379 --> 00:01:15.879 first? So for anyone who doesn't know, my husband 00:01:15.879 --> 00:01:18.439 Stuart is a drummer, which means Lloyd is also 00:01:18.439 --> 00:01:21.299 a drummer. And so we have drumsticks all over 00:01:21.299 --> 00:01:24.200 the house. Another piece of information is the 00:01:24.200 --> 00:01:26.939 smoke detectors in our house are so sensitive. 00:01:27.019 --> 00:01:29.599 Really? Like, I think about cooking, and they're 00:01:29.599 --> 00:01:31.739 like, we better go off. Our neighbors probably 00:01:31.739 --> 00:01:34.799 think I burn every single meal. Which is probably 00:01:34.799 --> 00:01:36.579 fun when, like, the kids are sleeping. You're 00:01:36.579 --> 00:01:39.560 like, we cannot cook. Yeah. Zeta sleeps through 00:01:39.560 --> 00:01:42.620 them, thankfully. That's great. Wow. But we also 00:01:42.620 --> 00:01:45.379 have tall ceilings. So to turn them off, to, 00:01:45.400 --> 00:01:48.099 like, hit the reset button, I have to... pull 00:01:48.099 --> 00:01:50.700 up a kitchen chair, grab a drumstick, and then 00:01:50.700 --> 00:01:54.299 hit the reset button. So the other day, Lloyd 00:01:54.299 --> 00:01:56.019 had a drumstick and he was hitting things he 00:01:56.019 --> 00:01:57.959 wasn't supposed to, so we're trying to redirect 00:01:57.959 --> 00:02:01.030 him. I was like, buddy. how do we use drumsticks 00:02:01.030 --> 00:02:04.030 properly? And he grabs a chair and pushes it 00:02:04.030 --> 00:02:06.950 and then climbs up and clearly is trying to like 00:02:06.950 --> 00:02:09.330 hit the, he's not tall enough, obviously, but 00:02:09.330 --> 00:02:12.469 he's trying to hit the reset button on the. You're 00:02:12.469 --> 00:02:15.210 like, you're not wrong. I guess that's how mom 00:02:15.210 --> 00:02:18.430 uses drumsticks more than anything else. But 00:02:18.430 --> 00:02:20.889 one of those funny, like copying moments where 00:02:20.889 --> 00:02:22.789 clearly he's seen me doing this enough that this 00:02:22.789 --> 00:02:26.250 is what he thinks. Oh, that's awesome. That's 00:02:26.250 --> 00:02:31.949 amazing. Okay, my mom moment happened last night. 00:02:32.530 --> 00:02:38.509 So my son Colt is really into golfing right now. 00:02:39.110 --> 00:02:42.810 And so we got him some golf clubs, like just 00:02:42.810 --> 00:02:45.509 some little toddler plastic golf clubs. Cruz 00:02:45.509 --> 00:02:49.979 has a lot to say clearly right now too. And last 00:02:49.979 --> 00:02:52.639 night I'm like, we're down in our little playroom 00:02:52.639 --> 00:02:56.240 and Colt is like swinging his golf clubs and 00:02:56.240 --> 00:02:58.960 then comes right over to me and I could see it 00:02:58.960 --> 00:03:02.539 in his face. He was like wanting to feel aggressive. 00:03:02.900 --> 00:03:05.659 And so all of a sudden he just swings it at me 00:03:05.659 --> 00:03:09.120 as hard as he can. Hits me dead in like the funny 00:03:09.120 --> 00:03:12.860 bone, which is like, wow, good shot. But it like 00:03:12.860 --> 00:03:15.680 tingled all up my arm. And then I have a nice 00:03:15.680 --> 00:03:18.539 little. It's not a big bruise, but a little bruise 00:03:18.539 --> 00:03:22.259 where it's like, oh, that hurt. And so I'm like, 00:03:22.340 --> 00:03:26.199 I got so frustrated at him. But also I think 00:03:26.199 --> 00:03:28.479 like whenever Colt swung, he was trying to hit 00:03:28.479 --> 00:03:32.539 Cruz. And so he swung and I like blocked him 00:03:32.539 --> 00:03:34.340 with my arm. So that's when it hit my elbow. 00:03:35.139 --> 00:03:38.060 And I was like, okay, buddy, we're all done with 00:03:38.060 --> 00:03:40.840 golf clubs right now. And it just, I mean, it 00:03:40.840 --> 00:03:43.780 hurt. It hurt real bad. Anything on the funny 00:03:43.780 --> 00:03:46.500 bones not good? Yeah, right. So that was my mom 00:03:46.500 --> 00:03:50.520 moment. I mean, it was funny after, but he's 00:03:50.520 --> 00:03:52.979 starting to feel aggressive in certain situations, 00:03:53.080 --> 00:03:56.039 and I can see it in his eyes now. I don't know 00:03:56.039 --> 00:03:58.599 if you feel this with Lloyd at all, but I can 00:03:58.599 --> 00:04:01.419 tell when he wants to do something mischievous 00:04:01.419 --> 00:04:04.340 or act out, and I can see it in his eyes, and 00:04:04.340 --> 00:04:06.680 thankfully I was able to react quicker than he 00:04:06.680 --> 00:04:11.050 was able to react. That was a fun little mom 00:04:11.050 --> 00:04:13.110 moment last night. I love that for you. Yes. 00:04:13.330 --> 00:04:15.409 Yeah, how about you, Stacey? Can you come up 00:04:15.409 --> 00:04:18.730 with a mom moment? Well, I think because I was 00:04:18.730 --> 00:04:22.089 just taking care of the kids, my grandkids, and 00:04:22.089 --> 00:04:25.129 you guys thinking about the littles, that's where 00:04:25.129 --> 00:04:29.529 my mind went to. I actually had to take... um, 00:04:29.649 --> 00:04:33.449 Grayson and Eloise to a department store and 00:04:33.449 --> 00:04:35.509 get a bunch of new clothes. Cause my luggage 00:04:35.509 --> 00:04:38.649 was lost when I went to visit them and it was 00:04:38.649 --> 00:04:41.470 the first day I was watching them. And so I said, 00:04:42.280 --> 00:04:45.500 okay, we're going to go have a fashion show in 00:04:45.500 --> 00:04:47.899 the dressing room. And we got in one of the big 00:04:47.899 --> 00:04:50.399 dressing rooms and they sat on the bench and 00:04:50.399 --> 00:04:53.519 I tried on the clothes and they'd say, that's 00:04:53.519 --> 00:04:57.699 a winner, Gigi. And all the people around were 00:04:57.699 --> 00:04:59.660 laughing because they could hear us because they're 00:04:59.660 --> 00:05:02.949 obviously not like. soundproof, but I felt very 00:05:02.949 --> 00:05:05.069 accomplished that I could get some new clothes 00:05:05.069 --> 00:05:07.910 and they were doing so great. And I probably 00:05:07.910 --> 00:05:10.230 would have never done that with my own kids back 00:05:10.230 --> 00:05:13.889 in the day. Kids are better behaved for everyone 00:05:13.889 --> 00:05:15.430 else than they are for their own mom. That is 00:05:15.430 --> 00:05:18.009 very true. Like that is a really, really good 00:05:18.009 --> 00:05:19.250 point. So I feel like Peyton probably couldn't 00:05:19.250 --> 00:05:21.949 have done that and have them be as well behaved. 00:05:23.069 --> 00:05:25.990 That's so true. Well, let's just hop right in. 00:05:26.730 --> 00:05:30.009 So Stacey, if you would just introduce your family. 00:05:30.629 --> 00:05:33.850 Yeah, tell us a little bit about your family 00:05:33.850 --> 00:05:38.430 and your kids. Hi, I'm Stacey Wright. I have 00:05:38.430 --> 00:05:42.709 four kids. Peyton, who's married to David, and 00:05:42.709 --> 00:05:46.350 I have three grandkids, Grayson, Eloise, and 00:05:46.350 --> 00:05:51.629 Shep. I have JT, and he is engaged now to Lane, 00:05:51.829 --> 00:05:55.389 so I have a future daughter -in -law. And Quinn 00:05:55.389 --> 00:05:58.149 is in Fort Collins. He's the only one here in 00:05:58.149 --> 00:06:02.259 Colorado still. And he's dating Sophia, which 00:06:02.259 --> 00:06:04.879 I feel like is another daughter to me, too. And 00:06:04.879 --> 00:06:11.600 JoJo is my youngest, and she is down in Arizona 00:06:11.600 --> 00:06:13.819 right now. Sorry, I didn't even think about all 00:06:13.819 --> 00:06:16.459 the other locations of everybody. I still have 00:06:16.459 --> 00:06:18.819 my in -laws living with me, Joan and Chuck, and 00:06:18.819 --> 00:06:21.800 my sister -in -law, Susan. So actively in my 00:06:21.800 --> 00:06:24.279 household, I have other adults, which is lovely, 00:06:24.480 --> 00:06:29.209 and my pups. And my kitty. You gotta have something 00:06:29.209 --> 00:06:31.389 in your house. I can't imagine having kids in 00:06:31.389 --> 00:06:33.129 the house and then not having pets or something 00:06:33.129 --> 00:06:35.129 when you become an empty nester. The house would 00:06:35.129 --> 00:06:37.569 just be so quiet. Yes, well, and JoJo was the 00:06:37.569 --> 00:06:39.949 instigator and all the pets, too. As each kid 00:06:39.949 --> 00:06:43.790 left, we ended up getting an animal, and then 00:06:43.790 --> 00:06:47.269 she moved out, too. But I couldn't do it without 00:06:47.269 --> 00:06:51.870 them. They bring a lot of joy. Well, give us 00:06:51.870 --> 00:06:55.470 a little bit of information on... what happened 00:06:55.470 --> 00:06:59.029 how did you become a single mom um how old were 00:06:59.029 --> 00:07:01.629 you how old were the kids what was the scenario 00:07:01.629 --> 00:07:05.870 there all right so we we were here we moved to 00:07:05.870 --> 00:07:12.730 colorado in 2006 for a ministry job and um we're 00:07:12.730 --> 00:07:15.790 living our life and having a good time and feeling 00:07:15.790 --> 00:07:20.670 god's leading us and then that job ended after 00:07:20.670 --> 00:07:24.699 a year based on some situations with that church 00:07:24.699 --> 00:07:30.860 and so we had to seek another church that felt 00:07:30.860 --> 00:07:34.540 like a a new you know a new place to start we 00:07:34.540 --> 00:07:39.060 found Discovery and immediately fell in love 00:07:39.060 --> 00:07:41.939 with it but John was still out of a job so he 00:07:41.939 --> 00:07:45.620 we through some neighbors we found a job he got 00:07:45.620 --> 00:07:48.860 a job at um Woodrow Wilson I probably I promise 00:07:48.860 --> 00:07:52.160 this is all coming back into play He started 00:07:52.160 --> 00:07:56.459 teaching again. And while he was at the school, 00:07:56.620 --> 00:08:02.139 there was a young boy who had leukemia and actually 00:08:02.139 --> 00:08:06.379 two kids with leukemia and just were students 00:08:06.379 --> 00:08:10.379 and they were living their life. And we had a 00:08:10.379 --> 00:08:16.259 wake up call in 2010 because my mom actually 00:08:16.259 --> 00:08:19.959 had breast cancer and she wanted me to have. 00:08:20.509 --> 00:08:23.910 an exam and make sure that I was okay. And so 00:08:23.910 --> 00:08:27.350 I, it was all the medical was about me, but I, 00:08:27.509 --> 00:08:31.930 John hadn't been to the doctor in years. So June 00:08:31.930 --> 00:08:35.990 of that year after school ended, he finally went 00:08:35.990 --> 00:08:39.549 to have a physical. And by the end of that week, 00:08:39.590 --> 00:08:45.870 he, we heard leukemia. Wow. And from that day, 00:08:46.049 --> 00:08:51.990 it was 10 months until he passed. Wow. What was 00:08:51.990 --> 00:08:58.470 it like telling your kids that dad's sick? Gosh. 00:08:58.929 --> 00:09:04.950 He was a science teacher. And so he had all the 00:09:04.950 --> 00:09:10.309 knowledge. And he was a teacher. He had been 00:09:10.309 --> 00:09:13.230 a children's pastor. So he was so good with the 00:09:13.230 --> 00:09:20.269 kids. And he could really explain it in... ways 00:09:20.269 --> 00:09:22.470 that they could understand I guess I mean honestly 00:09:22.470 --> 00:09:25.470 it's been so long I can't really remember it 00:09:25.470 --> 00:09:28.889 was so surreal of course during that time um 00:09:28.889 --> 00:09:34.830 but I feel like it was at the end of a school 00:09:34.830 --> 00:09:37.950 year summer had you know summer had started so 00:09:37.950 --> 00:09:40.190 we had all this good concentrated time with the 00:09:40.190 --> 00:09:45.429 family too which I feel just seemed to you know 00:09:46.090 --> 00:09:49.490 work in that weird situation of having to deal 00:09:49.490 --> 00:09:53.830 with all this unexpected issues of doctors and 00:09:53.830 --> 00:09:59.669 treatments and all. But I honestly can't physically 00:09:59.669 --> 00:10:02.289 remember like sitting down and talking with them. 00:10:02.350 --> 00:10:05.730 I don't remember that day. We had a really amazing 00:10:05.730 --> 00:10:08.830 small group at the time through our church that 00:10:08.830 --> 00:10:13.950 I know. Were there during some of those conversations, 00:10:14.190 --> 00:10:17.950 but it's one of those kind of blankish times 00:10:17.950 --> 00:10:20.870 because he just had to kind of plug along. Yeah. 00:10:20.909 --> 00:10:24.029 And that's a lot to like you're processing and 00:10:24.029 --> 00:10:26.070 then you have to help your kids. Cause how old 00:10:26.070 --> 00:10:29.190 are all of your kids at that point? Um, let's 00:10:29.190 --> 00:10:35.070 see, 12, 10, eight and six. Wow. That, well, 00:10:35.129 --> 00:10:37.629 actually that was when he passed away. That's 00:10:37.629 --> 00:10:40.919 when I was thinking. So yes, I mean, just. Just 00:10:40.919 --> 00:10:45.220 before that, yeah. Wow, wow. What was it like 00:10:45.220 --> 00:10:48.960 after the loss of your husband then supporting 00:10:48.960 --> 00:10:54.440 your kids through? I think, so when I was talking 00:10:54.440 --> 00:10:59.080 about his job at Woodrow Wilson, we were in a 00:10:59.080 --> 00:11:01.700 new neighborhood. We were super close to our 00:11:01.700 --> 00:11:05.600 neighbors. We had a brand new school that three 00:11:05.600 --> 00:11:09.509 of the kids had been at. Also very close to our 00:11:09.509 --> 00:11:12.529 house and super close. We were very involved 00:11:12.529 --> 00:11:17.389 with our church. Every facet, even the town itself, 00:11:17.549 --> 00:11:21.450 not just our neighborhood and school, every facet 00:11:21.450 --> 00:11:25.590 of our lives were a community feeling that were 00:11:25.590 --> 00:11:30.809 really surrounding us through the whole illness. 00:11:31.190 --> 00:11:36.259 And then when he passed away, it was... It's 00:11:36.259 --> 00:11:40.100 so hard to imagine somebody that does not have 00:11:40.100 --> 00:11:44.019 that kind of support in a situation. And I'm 00:11:44.019 --> 00:11:48.139 so thankful that we had it. I don't feel like 00:11:48.139 --> 00:11:51.500 I was alone. Grandparents in the house too, aunt 00:11:51.500 --> 00:11:55.220 in the house as well. It was, I couldn't have 00:11:55.220 --> 00:11:59.539 done it. And again, I'm still learning things 00:11:59.539 --> 00:12:03.700 recently that I didn't even know happened back 00:12:03.700 --> 00:12:08.820 during that time. Yeah. Like what? My best friend's 00:12:08.820 --> 00:12:12.460 mom was moving out of her home and she was going 00:12:12.460 --> 00:12:15.600 through some boxes and shared a journal entry 00:12:15.600 --> 00:12:19.960 that she had written about spending time with 00:12:19.960 --> 00:12:25.080 Quinn. And they had gone to the museum, science 00:12:25.080 --> 00:12:28.019 museum in Denver, and they were watching an IMAX 00:12:28.019 --> 00:12:32.750 movie. She shared about that. She said, I just 00:12:32.750 --> 00:12:34.629 wanted to let you know that I wrote this journal 00:12:34.629 --> 00:12:37.450 entry and it was about your sweet son and your 00:12:37.450 --> 00:12:39.970 beautiful family. And it was like, it brought 00:12:39.970 --> 00:12:42.169 me to tears after all these years, you know, 00:12:42.190 --> 00:12:45.250 to think that all these people were helping my 00:12:45.250 --> 00:12:47.970 kids and taking care of our family during that 00:12:47.970 --> 00:12:50.470 time when I was like, I don't know what I'm doing. 00:12:50.830 --> 00:12:53.789 Yeah. I mean, understandable that you were feeling 00:12:53.789 --> 00:12:55.909 that way and that you've probably blocked out 00:12:55.909 --> 00:12:59.860 a lot of it. It's like trauma blocking. Yeah. 00:12:59.940 --> 00:13:03.240 It's just survival, right? Yeah. This is so much 00:13:03.240 --> 00:13:05.019 you can't remember. Remembering all of it would 00:13:05.019 --> 00:13:07.580 be too much. Yes, I think so. And it really, 00:13:07.679 --> 00:13:12.200 it's weird because another person was sharing 00:13:12.200 --> 00:13:17.240 about the waiting room and how it was a teacher 00:13:17.240 --> 00:13:20.899 from John's school. And she said something, she 00:13:20.899 --> 00:13:23.580 was describing how the waiting room was when 00:13:23.580 --> 00:13:27.990 he was in ICU near the end. all the activities 00:13:27.990 --> 00:13:30.929 and all the people and that she didn't know if 00:13:30.929 --> 00:13:33.009 she should stay. But then she, then she's like, 00:13:33.070 --> 00:13:34.450 Oh my gosh, there's just so many people here. 00:13:34.509 --> 00:13:37.669 I want to stay. Cause I want to feel all this 00:13:37.669 --> 00:13:41.570 community. And, but I had, I didn't even know 00:13:41.570 --> 00:13:43.649 that all those people were out there necessarily, 00:13:43.730 --> 00:13:45.769 you know, because I was in the room with him 00:13:45.769 --> 00:13:50.029 and it's, it's really fascinating to still hear 00:13:50.029 --> 00:13:53.049 stories. And do they still have a walk for him? 00:13:53.149 --> 00:13:55.950 Is it his school that is where the walk is? Yeah. 00:13:56.779 --> 00:13:59.919 It's usually near the end of May. They have incorporated 00:13:59.919 --> 00:14:05.419 it into a little festival for their school, and 00:14:05.419 --> 00:14:11.379 it's in honor of John, but it helps families 00:14:11.379 --> 00:14:14.639 that are going through difficulties or an illness 00:14:14.639 --> 00:14:21.519 now. I was just there in May and it's amazing 00:14:21.519 --> 00:14:24.320 and wonderful and kids that he had and that kids 00:14:24.320 --> 00:14:27.320 were at the school come back and help. And, um, 00:14:27.480 --> 00:14:30.519 yeah, it's pretty cool. That's cool. The right 00:14:30.519 --> 00:14:32.759 cause walk. That's what it's called. Okay. Yeah. 00:14:33.639 --> 00:14:37.460 You have a really lucky last name for that. I 00:14:37.460 --> 00:14:43.200 know that's so true. So at what point did you 00:14:43.200 --> 00:14:47.429 like kind of realize? oh I'm gonna be a single 00:14:47.429 --> 00:14:50.529 mom like did you realize that before he passed 00:14:50.529 --> 00:14:53.409 away or was it afterwards that you're like oh 00:14:53.409 --> 00:14:56.169 this is my reality now it's interesting because 00:14:56.169 --> 00:14:59.450 I I don't think I ever considered myself a single 00:14:59.450 --> 00:15:04.450 mom okay and I just by the sake of the wording 00:15:04.450 --> 00:15:07.669 I guess I don't know I felt I feel like I kind 00:15:07.669 --> 00:15:10.860 of shied away I also shied away from widow I 00:15:10.860 --> 00:15:13.480 don't even know if I said the word for like a 00:15:13.480 --> 00:15:17.700 long, long time. Yeah. But and every time I'd 00:15:17.700 --> 00:15:20.220 have to like check that box on something or on 00:15:20.220 --> 00:15:22.100 a form or whatever, you know, it would make me 00:15:22.100 --> 00:15:26.879 cry. But I it's funny because I I still feel 00:15:26.879 --> 00:15:30.740 married. I still feel like he is in the lives 00:15:30.740 --> 00:15:34.379 of my kids in there, just like in how I speak 00:15:34.379 --> 00:15:37.460 to them or how I brought them up. So it's it's 00:15:37.460 --> 00:15:41.269 really. It's interesting because I've thought 00:15:41.269 --> 00:15:46.610 about that a lot. There's a mom in Erie that 00:15:46.610 --> 00:15:52.730 started a program, a group for solo moms is how 00:15:52.730 --> 00:15:55.330 she called it, which was really interesting. 00:15:55.830 --> 00:15:59.250 And she felt that God was saying, these are moms 00:15:59.250 --> 00:16:02.799 that are so loved. And so then the solo. Because 00:16:02.799 --> 00:16:04.799 I don't remember exactly what the group was called 00:16:04.799 --> 00:16:07.000 originally or if that's what she came up with 00:16:07.000 --> 00:16:08.679 originally, but I remember hearing her talk about 00:16:08.679 --> 00:16:11.419 that story. So in my mind, that's where my mind 00:16:11.419 --> 00:16:16.799 goes. And I feel like because I had the support 00:16:16.799 --> 00:16:24.600 of my John's folks and other friends in my life 00:16:24.600 --> 00:16:28.399 and community, even though I was the one having 00:16:28.399 --> 00:16:31.419 to make the ultimate decisions, which... Often 00:16:31.419 --> 00:16:35.580 was awful at times. I don't know. I just never 00:16:35.580 --> 00:16:41.740 really felt completely single. I had this question 00:16:41.740 --> 00:16:45.000 for later, but this is a really good segue. Have 00:16:45.000 --> 00:16:47.620 you ever considered dating or anything like that? 00:16:47.919 --> 00:16:52.320 No, I haven't. It feels weird to think about 00:16:52.320 --> 00:16:56.139 it. And I have a lot of single solo mom friends 00:16:56.139 --> 00:17:02.500 that I have. That have dated and, you know, tried 00:17:02.500 --> 00:17:06.500 it, then never mind, or are in successful relationships. 00:17:06.500 --> 00:17:11.099 But I think, because I said it, I feel, I still 00:17:11.099 --> 00:17:14.880 feel married, even though he's not with me in 00:17:14.880 --> 00:17:17.740 person. But yeah, I've never really thought, 00:17:17.859 --> 00:17:21.599 I just, I always think Betty White. I think she 00:17:21.599 --> 00:17:23.759 made a some quote about, well, I married the 00:17:23.759 --> 00:17:26.220 best, and so, you know, forget the rest or something. 00:17:26.920 --> 00:17:31.559 And I have often said, if God decides I should 00:17:31.559 --> 00:17:33.180 have somebody, he's going to need to drop them 00:17:33.180 --> 00:17:35.319 right on my front door. You're like, I'm not 00:17:35.319 --> 00:17:38.900 going out searching. The thought. I haven't dated 00:17:38.900 --> 00:17:43.279 since the 80s. 1980s. I think a couple things 00:17:43.279 --> 00:17:46.220 might have changed. I'm not sure. It seems frightening. 00:17:46.759 --> 00:17:50.950 But, yeah, I have never. It just has never dawned 00:17:50.950 --> 00:17:53.470 on me. And by this point, too, I've been set 00:17:53.470 --> 00:17:56.309 in my ways for so long, I just can't imagine. 00:17:56.569 --> 00:17:59.569 Well, and I mean, even scheduling with you, you're 00:17:59.569 --> 00:18:03.369 a busy lady right now. Which is... I don't have 00:18:03.369 --> 00:18:06.009 time for somebody else in my life. Which is great. 00:18:06.750 --> 00:18:09.630 But I think, and just from everything you've 00:18:09.630 --> 00:18:11.509 said, it sounds like you have such a good community. 00:18:11.549 --> 00:18:14.769 And I think that's a lot of times what... Not 00:18:14.769 --> 00:18:16.549 that there's anything wrong with choosing to 00:18:16.549 --> 00:18:17.789 date or anything like that. Right, right. But 00:18:17.789 --> 00:18:20.309 a lot of times there's this loneliness. Yeah. 00:18:20.390 --> 00:18:23.410 And don't get me wrong. I definitely get lonely 00:18:23.410 --> 00:18:28.170 at times. I think when Quinn was the last one 00:18:28.170 --> 00:18:32.690 at the house, when he technically moved out, 00:18:32.750 --> 00:18:36.470 I guess JoJo was, you know, partially maybe coming 00:18:36.470 --> 00:18:39.750 back. It was, you know, it was weird. It was 00:18:39.750 --> 00:18:43.440 really, and that was just. A couple years ago. 00:18:43.680 --> 00:18:47.660 So it would be weird wandering the house at night 00:18:47.660 --> 00:18:50.259 and be like, okay. Even though I had parents 00:18:50.259 --> 00:18:54.700 downstairs in the basement, I still, it was weird. 00:18:55.000 --> 00:18:59.460 Yeah. Yeah. What did the day -to -day look like 00:18:59.460 --> 00:19:05.240 for you as a newly single mom or solo mom? Yeah, 00:19:05.299 --> 00:19:07.099 what did it look like for you, like, getting 00:19:07.099 --> 00:19:10.980 the kids to school, all the activities? I can't 00:19:10.980 --> 00:19:15.759 even imagine. I think, yeah, having them all, 00:19:15.880 --> 00:19:17.819 like, at different, when they were all at different 00:19:17.819 --> 00:19:21.500 schools, that was crazy. I mean, definitely buses 00:19:21.500 --> 00:19:25.839 were wonderful, but I feel like thinking back, 00:19:26.019 --> 00:19:29.539 I think I've blocked a lot of that out of my 00:19:29.539 --> 00:19:33.039 mind. They still tease me about always being 00:19:33.039 --> 00:19:37.950 late. And now Peyton's like, oh. I kind of understand 00:19:37.950 --> 00:19:40.410 because you're actually having to get all these 00:19:40.410 --> 00:19:44.289 little kids together. And still, you know, sometimes 00:19:44.289 --> 00:19:46.190 they'll make jokes about being late. I'm like, 00:19:46.250 --> 00:19:50.029 it was not my fault. This was your fault, actually. 00:19:50.710 --> 00:19:53.289 I've been getting ready for hours before we need 00:19:53.289 --> 00:19:56.890 to go somewhere. And still, it's the last minute 00:19:56.890 --> 00:20:01.250 diaper change or potty break or whatever. I feel 00:20:01.250 --> 00:20:04.269 like, like I was saying, the fact that other 00:20:04.269 --> 00:20:07.079 people in my family and friends, were helping 00:20:07.079 --> 00:20:10.819 it just that was how it was immediately after 00:20:10.819 --> 00:20:14.079 I feel like there were times I think back now 00:20:14.079 --> 00:20:17.539 and I realize I don't remember like how did they 00:20:17.539 --> 00:20:20.579 get to school who packed their lunch who picked 00:20:20.579 --> 00:20:23.299 them up after school you know like there's literally 00:20:23.299 --> 00:20:25.920 things that I have blanks on trying to remember 00:20:25.920 --> 00:20:28.960 back because it's been you know over 14 years 00:20:28.960 --> 00:20:33.980 now but I know having Joan and Chuck in the house 00:20:33.980 --> 00:20:37.380 was huge because as they weren't the automatic 00:20:37.380 --> 00:20:39.880 babysitter, but when the kids were old enough 00:20:39.880 --> 00:20:44.839 to be capable and be able to be there, it made 00:20:44.839 --> 00:20:47.299 it much easier for me to say, oh my gosh, I have 00:20:47.299 --> 00:20:49.680 to go get her here or I have to get him here 00:20:49.680 --> 00:20:52.420 or I have to go pick up. There's another adult 00:20:52.420 --> 00:20:55.259 in the house so you can leave. Yes, that was 00:20:55.259 --> 00:20:57.960 huge. I could not have done it without them. 00:20:58.160 --> 00:21:00.470 And did they move in? When did they move in? 00:21:00.569 --> 00:21:03.809 Right before he was diagnosed. Wow. Yeah, the 00:21:03.809 --> 00:21:08.390 spring of 2010. They had been finishing our basement. 00:21:08.450 --> 00:21:10.890 They sold their house in Broomfield. They paid 00:21:10.890 --> 00:21:13.109 to have the basement finished for a whole apartment. 00:21:13.750 --> 00:21:18.650 And then moved in sometime in the spring of 2010. 00:21:19.069 --> 00:21:22.890 And he was diagnosed June, July of that year. 00:21:23.069 --> 00:21:25.930 Wow. So the timing of it was like a God thing. 00:21:26.269 --> 00:21:28.990 Definitely. yeah and it's just like a side thing 00:21:28.990 --> 00:21:31.269 what was it like having your in -laws move in 00:21:31.269 --> 00:21:33.470 with you because of course before the diagnosis 00:21:33.470 --> 00:21:36.309 you aren't thinking of like oh now we have doctor's 00:21:36.309 --> 00:21:37.930 appointments and we have grandparents to help 00:21:37.930 --> 00:21:41.069 it's just a decision what was that decision like 00:21:41.069 --> 00:21:44.789 well we had when we were early married not right 00:21:45.279 --> 00:21:46.720 First married. Actually, when we were pregnant 00:21:46.720 --> 00:21:49.019 with Peyton, we moved in to live with them in 00:21:49.019 --> 00:21:52.339 California. Okay. So we were moving in with them 00:21:52.339 --> 00:21:55.960 to save money to eventually buy a house. We all 00:21:55.960 --> 00:21:59.200 enjoyed living together. And that was a much 00:21:59.200 --> 00:22:01.079 smaller house at the time than we live in now. 00:22:01.099 --> 00:22:04.279 Which is not a common situation. I used to love 00:22:04.279 --> 00:22:07.319 saying, we live with my in -laws. And people 00:22:07.319 --> 00:22:09.839 were like, oh my gosh. It was wonderful. So they 00:22:09.839 --> 00:22:12.500 were there when Peyton was a baby, when JT was 00:22:12.500 --> 00:22:14.940 a baby, and then they ended up moving out before 00:22:14.940 --> 00:22:18.119 Quinn was born. Okay. And then, you know, different 00:22:18.119 --> 00:22:20.819 living scenarios in California. We were in the 00:22:20.819 --> 00:22:23.259 house that John grew up in. We bought it eventually 00:22:23.259 --> 00:22:26.500 from them. But then moving here, they were in 00:22:26.500 --> 00:22:29.339 a separate house. The economy was going down 00:22:29.339 --> 00:22:33.880 in 2008. And we said, you know, why don't... 00:22:34.299 --> 00:22:37.579 We go back to having you in the house. And so 00:22:37.579 --> 00:22:40.680 that's how we came up with the decision. And 00:22:40.680 --> 00:22:47.079 Chuck had had a minor stroke that was eye -opening 00:22:47.079 --> 00:22:50.539 to be able to figure out, okay, what can we do 00:22:50.539 --> 00:22:53.700 to help? So we thought that we were being the 00:22:53.700 --> 00:22:56.299 bigger help. And then it was them. Turned out 00:22:56.299 --> 00:22:58.400 the other way around. Yes, totally the other 00:22:58.400 --> 00:23:06.130 way around. Yeah. So it was... amazing help definitely 00:23:06.130 --> 00:23:11.549 yeah and um just to have like just to have adult 00:23:11.549 --> 00:23:15.690 interaction when I was potentially losing my 00:23:15.690 --> 00:23:18.710 mind you know at any given moment when they were 00:23:18.710 --> 00:23:23.690 younger right after um that was when they couldn't 00:23:23.690 --> 00:23:26.809 find me because I was locked in the closet crying 00:23:26.809 --> 00:23:29.930 they could go find another adult in the house 00:23:29.930 --> 00:23:34.269 because yeah they were there which was Yeah. 00:23:34.450 --> 00:23:37.269 I mean, that's, I think not even in a tragic 00:23:37.269 --> 00:23:39.650 scenario like yours. One thing we've talked about 00:23:39.650 --> 00:23:42.589 is we both work from home with our kids and both 00:23:42.589 --> 00:23:45.349 of our husbands go someplace to work. Like they 00:23:45.349 --> 00:23:47.450 get adult interaction every day. Whereas like 00:23:47.450 --> 00:23:49.829 my adult interaction is usually when Stuart gets 00:23:49.829 --> 00:23:52.630 home. Both of us have days of the week where 00:23:52.630 --> 00:23:55.390 it's, like, the evening is shot to where our 00:23:55.390 --> 00:23:57.049 husbands are gone for the evening. And that's, 00:23:57.049 --> 00:23:59.769 like, not having adult interaction is tough. 00:23:59.849 --> 00:24:01.450 But then especially when you're going through, 00:24:01.549 --> 00:24:05.250 you're grieving a serious loss. You know, this 00:24:05.250 --> 00:24:10.170 love of your life has passed away. And I feel 00:24:10.170 --> 00:24:11.970 like it's even more important then, you know, 00:24:11.970 --> 00:24:14.819 because obviously you can't, like. talk about 00:24:14.819 --> 00:24:16.640 your grief with your kids in the same way you 00:24:16.640 --> 00:24:18.319 can you know like obviously there's a healthy 00:24:18.319 --> 00:24:22.079 way to like yeah I'm sad too but you can't put 00:24:22.079 --> 00:24:24.500 it on them in a way that you can put it on another 00:24:24.500 --> 00:24:27.019 adult be like hey I just need to to vent to talk 00:24:27.019 --> 00:24:31.759 to you whatever yes that that is so true what 00:24:31.759 --> 00:24:35.579 were some of the ways that you like so you're 00:24:35.579 --> 00:24:37.799 grieving also your kids are grieving their dad 00:24:37.799 --> 00:24:41.079 what does that look like like how do you support 00:24:41.079 --> 00:24:44.329 them Again, without putting your grief on them 00:24:44.329 --> 00:24:48.430 as well. I remember the standard being told, 00:24:48.569 --> 00:24:52.190 oh, you need to have counseling for them. You 00:24:52.190 --> 00:24:57.730 need to do family counseling. I remember reaching 00:24:57.730 --> 00:25:03.970 out to multiple potential resources and being 00:25:03.970 --> 00:25:08.670 roadblocked. I remember calling a hospice program 00:25:08.670 --> 00:25:13.609 that was in Erie. Then they were going to close 00:25:13.609 --> 00:25:16.329 down. So then that was like, okay, nope, sorry, 00:25:16.430 --> 00:25:17.930 we're not doing counseling anymore because our 00:25:17.930 --> 00:25:20.470 office is actually closing. And I remember calling 00:25:20.470 --> 00:25:25.049 an organization in Denver at some point that 00:25:25.049 --> 00:25:27.569 was supposed to be amazing with kids, and they 00:25:27.569 --> 00:25:31.289 didn't call me back. I left a message, and I 00:25:31.289 --> 00:25:35.140 remember calling a camp that you could get. the 00:25:35.140 --> 00:25:38.640 kids to be paid for to go to this camp and some, 00:25:38.720 --> 00:25:41.279 Oh, sorry. We just don't, we don't have any more 00:25:41.279 --> 00:25:46.119 spots or like, I just, I remember thinking, forget 00:25:46.119 --> 00:25:49.160 this. Like why all these roadblocks keep happening. 00:25:49.240 --> 00:25:51.079 They keep telling me I need to do something. 00:25:52.039 --> 00:25:56.599 And it was harder even to find the support at 00:25:56.599 --> 00:25:59.880 the time back then. I mean, the area was, there 00:25:59.880 --> 00:26:02.819 were places far, but there wasn't a lot that 00:26:02.819 --> 00:26:08.420 I could find close. And the kids, because of 00:26:08.420 --> 00:26:12.000 our church and the schools being so involved 00:26:12.000 --> 00:26:15.619 in our lives when they knew John was sick, I 00:26:15.619 --> 00:26:19.130 feel like they had such really strong... other 00:26:19.130 --> 00:26:23.049 adults in their lives that could help with seeing 00:26:23.049 --> 00:26:25.789 how they were behaving or how they were you know 00:26:25.789 --> 00:26:29.589 struggling and potentially um the elementary 00:26:29.589 --> 00:26:33.109 school actually had an amazing resource um counselor 00:26:33.109 --> 00:26:35.730 at the time i don't resource i can't remember 00:26:35.730 --> 00:26:38.329 what they called her but um wasn't a resource 00:26:38.329 --> 00:26:43.269 officer it was another title but um she was amazing 00:26:43.269 --> 00:26:49.500 with the kids miss brown and um So I felt like 00:26:49.500 --> 00:26:57.660 we talked about John a lot. But I realize now, 00:26:57.900 --> 00:27:00.680 like I was saying, I'm hearing stories. Some 00:27:00.680 --> 00:27:03.359 of my kids have said they wish we talked about 00:27:03.359 --> 00:27:08.220 him more. Oh, interesting. And that kind of broke 00:27:08.220 --> 00:27:10.940 my heart because I felt like I was talking and 00:27:10.940 --> 00:27:16.759 getting them through. But again, some of it I 00:27:16.759 --> 00:27:20.319 can't totally remember exactly. And the same 00:27:20.319 --> 00:27:22.319 probably goes for them, too, that they probably 00:27:22.319 --> 00:27:26.619 can't. Yes, I wonder at certain times when I'm 00:27:26.619 --> 00:27:29.200 having conversations, like, okay, I know it was 00:27:29.200 --> 00:27:32.500 trauma for all of us, so what is our memory and 00:27:32.500 --> 00:27:37.220 how accurate is it? Because, yeah, I felt bad 00:27:37.220 --> 00:27:40.420 at times talking with the kids. Oh, my gosh, 00:27:40.519 --> 00:27:44.529 I didn't realize that's how you felt. I guess 00:27:44.529 --> 00:27:48.670 because I had adults to talk to also, and I wasn't 00:27:48.670 --> 00:27:52.329 only in the house with them that maybe I was 00:27:52.329 --> 00:27:55.289 getting things out that I didn't realize I wasn't, 00:27:55.289 --> 00:27:57.210 I should have been talking with them more about 00:27:57.210 --> 00:28:00.910 it. But, um, yeah, it was hard from a 12 to a 00:28:00.910 --> 00:28:07.380 six year old to know how to balance the. topics 00:28:07.380 --> 00:28:10.819 and the level of because then they're all in 00:28:10.819 --> 00:28:13.039 just such a different place developmentally yes 00:28:13.039 --> 00:28:15.920 you you know how Peyton's processing something 00:28:15.920 --> 00:28:19.180 at 12 yeah is very different than how Jojo's 00:28:19.180 --> 00:28:22.559 processing it at six yeah like literally just 00:28:22.559 --> 00:28:25.019 because of brain build right at this point right 00:28:25.019 --> 00:28:29.880 I remember really early on or even before maybe 00:28:29.880 --> 00:28:33.460 before he passed away thinking How are the kids 00:28:33.460 --> 00:28:36.900 going to remember him? You know, like Peyton 00:28:36.900 --> 00:28:39.720 and JT had more time with him and then, you know, 00:28:39.720 --> 00:28:42.759 that made me sad. And I'm like, who's going to 00:28:42.759 --> 00:28:45.680 help them with their homework? Because that wasn't 00:28:45.680 --> 00:28:49.700 me. I don't know science. Yeah, I remember. And 00:28:49.700 --> 00:28:53.220 that was actually a huge stressor for me because 00:28:53.220 --> 00:28:57.549 I... He always helped with homework in all the 00:28:57.549 --> 00:29:01.470 different categories. And I have some notes that 00:29:01.470 --> 00:29:04.430 he wrote. There's a note in my bedroom that he 00:29:04.430 --> 00:29:07.490 wrote on the back of an envelope. Put it on the 00:29:07.490 --> 00:29:09.529 counter. Because he would leave before the kids 00:29:09.529 --> 00:29:11.970 woke up, usually, when he was going to teach. 00:29:12.250 --> 00:29:15.869 And talking about, okay, JT, make sure you finish 00:29:15.869 --> 00:29:19.789 that word list. And, okay, make sure you do this 00:29:19.789 --> 00:29:23.049 and do this. And I'm like... Oh, my gosh. Now 00:29:23.049 --> 00:29:27.150 I'm going to have to take on all that. And that 00:29:27.150 --> 00:29:30.470 was just another. That's where my mind went, 00:29:30.529 --> 00:29:32.450 you know, when they were all still in school 00:29:32.450 --> 00:29:39.049 and losing my support and all that. Yeah. I mean, 00:29:39.069 --> 00:29:43.410 it's tough. Like, I think even. anytime as moms 00:29:43.410 --> 00:29:45.269 it's really easy to feel like you carry all of 00:29:45.269 --> 00:29:47.650 the burden just like I don't know if that's a 00:29:47.650 --> 00:29:50.910 thing as moms and generally that's not true yeah 00:29:50.910 --> 00:29:52.470 I mean I know there are some cases where it's 00:29:52.470 --> 00:29:55.869 like no he's not doing his for sure but I know 00:29:55.869 --> 00:29:57.710 for us it's like I feel like that and then I 00:29:57.710 --> 00:29:59.069 look at all the things Stuart does and I'm like 00:29:59.069 --> 00:30:02.569 oh no he does plenty um but in this but then 00:30:02.569 --> 00:30:04.809 you actually lose it and you actually realize 00:30:04.809 --> 00:30:08.180 like again the homework like he does so much 00:30:08.180 --> 00:30:10.740 with homework he makes these lists and now all 00:30:10.740 --> 00:30:13.359 of it's on me you know the figuring out lunches 00:30:13.359 --> 00:30:16.579 everything so I mean I know you said it's blurry 00:30:16.579 --> 00:30:19.279 but were there any was there anything like specific 00:30:19.279 --> 00:30:22.299 that you remember your support system whether 00:30:22.299 --> 00:30:25.839 it was your in -laws neighbors friends that was 00:30:25.839 --> 00:30:28.700 you're like I know they did this and that made 00:30:28.700 --> 00:30:33.750 such a big difference well I remember My small 00:30:33.750 --> 00:30:38.309 group was still very active in our life for years 00:30:38.309 --> 00:30:42.930 after, but that first year they came over at 00:30:42.930 --> 00:30:49.190 least once a week. We would have just sessions 00:30:49.190 --> 00:30:52.569 of sharing whatever our lives were like, obviously 00:30:52.569 --> 00:30:57.230 all of us moms together, and praying for the 00:30:57.230 --> 00:31:02.119 kids. them each taking one of my kids or picking 00:31:02.119 --> 00:31:06.700 up or just the physical help of transportation 00:31:06.700 --> 00:31:11.180 here and there, or, okay, come over to my house 00:31:11.180 --> 00:31:16.980 and do this, or just to let them have more away 00:31:16.980 --> 00:31:20.980 from just the house, I think. But I also had 00:31:20.980 --> 00:31:26.140 a really good friend when John was sick. And 00:31:26.140 --> 00:31:29.200 it took me a while to remember this. They brought 00:31:29.200 --> 00:31:32.299 us dinner every Monday night for almost the entire 00:31:32.299 --> 00:31:36.680 time he was going through his illness. That's 00:31:36.680 --> 00:31:39.180 incredible. And I think it started because Quinn 00:31:39.180 --> 00:31:42.980 had soccer on Monday nights. And they said, well, 00:31:43.099 --> 00:31:44.859 what we're going to do is we're going to bring 00:31:44.859 --> 00:31:48.960 you dinner on Monday nights. And I just thought. 00:31:49.630 --> 00:31:52.349 It was like, that was amazing. That was huge. 00:31:52.430 --> 00:31:55.410 And we had a lot of support with meals and things 00:31:55.410 --> 00:31:59.329 from our community. But that one thing I just 00:31:59.329 --> 00:32:02.289 remember, oh my gosh, they brought us dinner 00:32:02.289 --> 00:32:05.549 every night or every Monday for like, I don't 00:32:05.549 --> 00:32:08.289 even know how many months. It was just so long. 00:32:08.430 --> 00:32:13.410 And that was such a blessing to us. I feel like 00:32:13.410 --> 00:32:17.390 then trying to go back and really think about 00:32:17.390 --> 00:32:21.549 this time. our small life group was, they were 00:32:21.549 --> 00:32:27.029 super integral. Yeah. Cause they just, they could 00:32:27.029 --> 00:32:32.509 talk to the kids about their dad. And, um, I 00:32:32.509 --> 00:32:37.509 love that. And the support of like every week 00:32:37.509 --> 00:32:41.109 getting together and making me like, feel like 00:32:41.109 --> 00:32:45.180 I wasn't just being swallowed up by. life do 00:32:45.180 --> 00:32:47.839 you feel like that support like slowly tapered 00:32:47.839 --> 00:32:52.119 off after a while definitely yeah yeah I mean 00:32:52.119 --> 00:32:57.519 it it felt it felt fairly organic as you know 00:32:57.519 --> 00:33:02.259 as I got my feet under me and I know that as 00:33:02.259 --> 00:33:05.200 our as kids get older it definitely seems to 00:33:05.200 --> 00:33:08.160 like you know your time gets split so much more 00:33:08.160 --> 00:33:11.839 with all our different things and Yeah, it definitely 00:33:11.839 --> 00:33:15.980 tapered off, which, I mean, we were so inundated 00:33:15.980 --> 00:33:20.019 with love and support from schools. Like I said, 00:33:20.039 --> 00:33:22.000 schools and community and church and friends 00:33:22.000 --> 00:33:26.480 and family from near and far that, you know, 00:33:26.500 --> 00:33:29.299 it was only natural. Yeah. There was something 00:33:29.299 --> 00:33:32.259 I remember. I totally forgot about this. Our 00:33:32.259 --> 00:33:34.779 neighborhood put up – did you ever come to our 00:33:34.779 --> 00:33:36.759 neighborhood during that time when he was – I 00:33:36.759 --> 00:33:40.359 can't remember. The orange ribbons on our trees. 00:33:40.380 --> 00:33:42.700 I feel like I have seen the orange ribbons. Yeah. 00:33:42.960 --> 00:33:45.759 Our neighbors had put orange ribbons throughout 00:33:45.759 --> 00:33:48.200 our entire little part of our neighborhood on 00:33:48.200 --> 00:33:53.480 all the trees. And they were up for a very long 00:33:53.480 --> 00:33:56.279 time. Really? A very long time. And I remember 00:33:56.279 --> 00:33:59.359 people like newer to the area or that had... 00:33:59.519 --> 00:34:02.099 come by or whatever. And they think that our 00:34:02.099 --> 00:34:04.420 neighborhood was like really into Halloween or 00:34:04.420 --> 00:34:06.940 something because it was, I think at some point 00:34:06.940 --> 00:34:09.039 it was during Halloween that someone said, did 00:34:09.039 --> 00:34:11.300 y 'all put these up for Halloween? And I said, 00:34:11.360 --> 00:34:14.639 no. And then just no one took them down. Yeah. 00:34:14.719 --> 00:34:19.300 Wow. That was, that was a, like a, a welcome 00:34:19.300 --> 00:34:22.519 to our street every time I drove down thinking 00:34:22.519 --> 00:34:26.539 about that. Um, gosh, I hadn't, I kind of had 00:34:26.539 --> 00:34:30.429 forgotten about that. Um, Just knowing that somebody, 00:34:30.650 --> 00:34:32.489 there were people in our neighborhood that all 00:34:32.489 --> 00:34:35.610 went around and put those up. And that was when 00:34:35.610 --> 00:34:39.510 he was sick. And then I think they stayed up 00:34:39.510 --> 00:34:41.829 for almost a year after he passed away. It was 00:34:41.829 --> 00:34:45.190 a really long time. Wow. Yeah. That's really 00:34:45.190 --> 00:34:50.550 cool to see like a tangible support just as you're 00:34:50.550 --> 00:34:53.329 driving home. You're like, okay, people care 00:34:53.329 --> 00:34:57.510 and people love us. Yeah. Yeah. That's really 00:34:57.510 --> 00:35:01.449 cool. What would you say was the, I guess the 00:35:01.449 --> 00:35:03.690 turning point for you where you're like, okay, 00:35:03.730 --> 00:35:08.170 you're this newly single mother. And was there 00:35:08.170 --> 00:35:09.889 a moment that you can remember where you're like, 00:35:09.989 --> 00:35:12.809 all right, I got this. Like we're getting our 00:35:12.809 --> 00:35:15.130 feet under us. I got like today was. Did that 00:35:15.130 --> 00:35:19.690 ever come? Yeah. And maybe it didn't. I don't 00:35:19.690 --> 00:35:22.650 remember actually feeling that. But again, I. 00:35:23.579 --> 00:35:27.079 I think when you're in the midst of it, you're 00:35:27.079 --> 00:35:30.840 just having to plow through. And I don't remember, 00:35:31.139 --> 00:35:34.480 I don't remember any specific time where I'm 00:35:34.480 --> 00:35:38.280 like, ta -da, like I feel like, okay. And I have 00:35:38.280 --> 00:35:41.920 talked to other moms about this and widow moms 00:35:41.920 --> 00:35:46.619 too that have, I think that you're like, when 00:35:46.619 --> 00:35:50.380 you lose someone and the... the potentials of 00:35:50.380 --> 00:35:54.800 all your sadness and the dark holes that you 00:35:54.800 --> 00:35:57.460 can go down when you have kids, you, it's like, 00:35:57.480 --> 00:36:00.400 you can't like you have to. And they all, that 00:36:00.400 --> 00:36:03.239 is also part of the lifeline though, I think. 00:36:03.320 --> 00:36:06.019 I mean, the joy that they are having every day 00:36:06.019 --> 00:36:09.800 in their having, you know, going to school and 00:36:09.800 --> 00:36:13.320 their activities and the things and that, that 00:36:13.320 --> 00:36:17.179 actually helped me get through it, I think. But 00:36:17.179 --> 00:36:19.760 I, You don't really have a choice. You just have 00:36:19.760 --> 00:36:21.900 to keep going and you don't really have much 00:36:21.900 --> 00:36:24.980 time to think about it until the night comes 00:36:24.980 --> 00:36:30.760 or being alone in the car. I think those are, 00:36:30.820 --> 00:36:33.659 because most of the time I had other kids in 00:36:33.659 --> 00:36:36.500 the car taking older kids someplace, you know. 00:36:36.519 --> 00:36:40.420 So it's, I don't know if I ever did, you know. 00:36:40.420 --> 00:36:44.539 I think now, once all the kids got out of the 00:36:44.539 --> 00:36:47.360 house, I'm like, okay. Like, I think I did it. 00:36:47.820 --> 00:36:51.559 I got this. And they all turned out pretty good 00:36:51.559 --> 00:36:55.000 from everything I've seen. They've all turned 00:36:55.000 --> 00:36:58.119 out wonderful. And they all still talk to you. 00:36:58.219 --> 00:37:01.639 That's great. I was actually thinking back to 00:37:01.639 --> 00:37:04.199 a little bit earlier in our conversation, them 00:37:04.199 --> 00:37:07.420 being able to tell you, like, hey, I wish things 00:37:07.420 --> 00:37:09.039 were different with how we talked about dad. 00:37:09.480 --> 00:37:12.179 That's great. Like, that's such a healthy relationship. 00:37:13.099 --> 00:37:16.340 Because I know people who... they would never 00:37:16.340 --> 00:37:18.360 say that to their parents or they know if they 00:37:18.360 --> 00:37:20.019 did say that to their parents it would turn into 00:37:20.019 --> 00:37:22.019 a whole thing yeah or to just be able to sit 00:37:22.019 --> 00:37:25.300 down be like hey mom like I wish this was different 00:37:25.300 --> 00:37:28.860 you go I'm so sorry like I you know we can't 00:37:28.860 --> 00:37:30.579 change the past I'm glad I know that now and 00:37:30.579 --> 00:37:33.480 let's move on yeah and like be better about how 00:37:33.480 --> 00:37:37.360 we how do we you know continue that's such a 00:37:37.360 --> 00:37:40.320 testament to just like how your relationship 00:37:40.320 --> 00:37:44.599 is with your kids and That you did do a good 00:37:44.599 --> 00:37:46.539 job, you know, even if it didn't look exactly 00:37:46.539 --> 00:37:49.159 how maybe they wanted it to. Yeah. That you did 00:37:49.159 --> 00:37:52.579 a good job, you know, as best as you could. Because, 00:37:52.639 --> 00:37:57.000 again, it's a tough situation. And you just, 00:37:57.099 --> 00:37:59.559 there's no, like, here you go, here's the, you 00:37:59.559 --> 00:38:02.699 know, how to be a mom for idiots after your husband 00:38:02.699 --> 00:38:07.719 dies. Like, that book doesn't exist. So. It's, 00:38:07.719 --> 00:38:11.440 and it literally, like, I think it was last year, 00:38:11.539 --> 00:38:16.409 or maybe. this year on his birthday and the kids 00:38:16.409 --> 00:38:19.309 are, we are always usually just reminiscing of 00:38:19.309 --> 00:38:21.590 course. And in our, and obviously across the 00:38:21.590 --> 00:38:24.829 country, it's, we're like talk, texting or talking 00:38:24.829 --> 00:38:30.250 or, but Jojo came across, um, videos, a video 00:38:30.250 --> 00:38:34.650 montage thing that somebody had put on his, um, 00:38:34.690 --> 00:38:38.889 Facebook account years ago and she'd never seen 00:38:38.889 --> 00:38:43.199 it. And she shared it with our, our group text 00:38:43.199 --> 00:38:46.579 with all the kids and JT's like, Oh yeah, that's 00:38:46.579 --> 00:38:48.880 one of my favorites. You know, I've watched that 00:38:48.880 --> 00:38:52.039 over the years and it never, those types of things, 00:38:52.099 --> 00:38:56.179 like it never dawned on me that there were resources 00:38:56.179 --> 00:39:00.219 that Jojo had never seen because she was not 00:39:00.219 --> 00:39:04.679 on Facebook and she was like, she, I mean, ironically 00:39:04.679 --> 00:39:08.130 now it's like, okay, well. She bypassed, basically 00:39:08.130 --> 00:39:10.730 bypassed Facebook because of her age and gone 00:39:10.730 --> 00:39:15.030 on to other things. And then they had a neat, 00:39:15.110 --> 00:39:17.530 you know, that was a really interesting little 00:39:17.530 --> 00:39:21.150 interchange between them that he could encourage. 00:39:21.190 --> 00:39:24.409 And, oh, look at this video or that video. That 00:39:24.409 --> 00:39:28.909 was a sweet moment. And I just mentioned something 00:39:28.909 --> 00:39:31.289 not too long ago when I was talking to one of 00:39:31.289 --> 00:39:32.989 the boys. And they're like, oh, man, I've never 00:39:32.989 --> 00:39:35.070 heard of that. I'd never heard that story before. 00:39:35.869 --> 00:39:37.989 I think because of all their age differences, 00:39:38.150 --> 00:39:41.269 I didn't realize that there are so many things 00:39:41.269 --> 00:39:44.829 that we were talking about them in the house. 00:39:44.949 --> 00:39:48.530 They weren't like surprises or secrets. It was 00:39:48.530 --> 00:39:50.809 that they weren't. Just how they experienced 00:39:50.809 --> 00:39:52.869 it. Yeah, it might have been how they were experiencing 00:39:52.869 --> 00:39:55.230 it or that they weren't paying attention because 00:39:55.230 --> 00:39:56.949 they were watching a show or they were doing 00:39:56.949 --> 00:39:59.269 their own thing. I'm like, you don't remember 00:39:59.269 --> 00:40:05.159 us talking about all this. So it is really cool 00:40:05.159 --> 00:40:09.480 to talk to them as adults now and be able to 00:40:09.480 --> 00:40:13.000 share things or have different conversations 00:40:13.000 --> 00:40:17.800 now, for sure. What would you say the biggest 00:40:17.800 --> 00:40:23.079 joy of being a solo mom in the years of, of course, 00:40:23.099 --> 00:40:24.320 now you don't have any kids in the house, but 00:40:24.320 --> 00:40:26.840 in the years that all the kids are at home, you're 00:40:26.840 --> 00:40:28.619 actively being a parent. What was one of the 00:40:28.619 --> 00:40:31.130 biggest joys in that time frame? I think... A 00:40:31.130 --> 00:40:35.030 lot of the, like the daily successes, you know, 00:40:35.110 --> 00:40:39.670 being able to, they're all, you know, we're having 00:40:39.670 --> 00:40:42.090 dinner and they're sharing what they're, you 00:40:42.090 --> 00:40:45.489 know, good, bad, weird. Like, do you know what 00:40:45.489 --> 00:40:48.070 I'm talking about? What was that? I think high, 00:40:48.110 --> 00:40:50.150 low, weird. High, low, weird. Yeah. So I'm like, 00:40:50.190 --> 00:40:52.630 what was that called? We used to do that at dinner 00:40:52.630 --> 00:40:56.650 time. And those, like that, I remember thinking, 00:40:56.909 --> 00:40:59.340 okay. They've all been dispersed throughout the 00:40:59.340 --> 00:41:01.300 day, wherever they were in their school or their 00:41:01.300 --> 00:41:03.179 activities. And we're back home. We're having 00:41:03.179 --> 00:41:08.699 dinner. And to be able to have those moments, 00:41:08.800 --> 00:41:13.380 like the little celebrations of, okay, we're 00:41:13.380 --> 00:41:15.659 all good. We're all safe. We're all healthy. 00:41:15.980 --> 00:41:18.360 We've made it through the day. Got them all. 00:41:18.559 --> 00:41:21.280 I remember, I used to remember waking up in the 00:41:21.280 --> 00:41:24.320 morning like, okay, what day is it? What day 00:41:24.320 --> 00:41:28.059 is it? Okay. Who do I have to go get? Like, where 00:41:28.059 --> 00:41:30.340 do I have to get these kids to today? Or even 00:41:30.340 --> 00:41:31.960 later in the day, I'm like, okay, what day is 00:41:31.960 --> 00:41:34.440 it? Who do I have to pick up today? Like, okay, 00:41:34.579 --> 00:41:37.400 I got it all figured out. There were times where 00:41:37.400 --> 00:41:43.019 I might have forgotten or, you know. Yeah. My 00:41:43.019 --> 00:41:46.780 birthday was forgotten once. That was just horrifying 00:41:46.780 --> 00:41:52.619 to me. So. the it's like basically like the small 00:41:52.619 --> 00:41:55.179 wins that all add up i think those were some 00:41:55.179 --> 00:41:58.860 really good joyful times i can't remember who 00:41:58.860 --> 00:42:03.500 i was telling this to but um somebody said something 00:42:03.500 --> 00:42:06.019 really funny and milk came out of somebody's 00:42:06.019 --> 00:42:12.239 nose and quinn's like do it again it's like oh 00:42:12.239 --> 00:42:15.639 my gosh those things that totally make you laugh 00:42:15.639 --> 00:42:19.059 right now as a memory that Those are the good 00:42:19.059 --> 00:42:23.340 times. Like I remember the joys of knowing that 00:42:23.340 --> 00:42:28.300 they, you know, had a happy life after John too. 00:42:28.519 --> 00:42:31.659 Yeah. I mean, I spent a lot of time at your house 00:42:31.659 --> 00:42:37.340 after he died. And your house was always so happy 00:42:37.340 --> 00:42:40.840 and so energetic anytime I was there. So, yeah, 00:42:40.940 --> 00:42:42.579 I always had fun there. That makes me feel good. 00:42:43.159 --> 00:42:46.179 Yeah, everyone was always happy to see me when 00:42:46.179 --> 00:42:50.159 I would show up and was so welcoming. And, yeah, 00:42:50.260 --> 00:42:52.000 you had a really sweet house in the years that 00:42:52.000 --> 00:42:55.500 I got to spend there. I'm so glad. What would 00:42:55.500 --> 00:43:00.179 you say your biggest joy is now? Weirdly, when 00:43:00.179 --> 00:43:04.760 I share to my friends and new people that I meet 00:43:04.760 --> 00:43:08.340 how my kids live around the world, around the 00:43:08.340 --> 00:43:12.739 country. In four different states. It's hard 00:43:12.739 --> 00:43:16.440 because I miss them, but it's also I'm just so 00:43:16.440 --> 00:43:20.519 happy that they are wanting adventure and are 00:43:20.519 --> 00:43:26.260 secure in themselves to go off and live a life 00:43:26.260 --> 00:43:30.739 that they want to try. And it makes me proud 00:43:30.739 --> 00:43:35.099 that they're all out there and successful and 00:43:35.099 --> 00:43:41.159 just enjoying life and not. thwarted by anything 00:43:41.159 --> 00:43:47.739 i might have messed them up with yeah yeah that's 00:43:47.739 --> 00:43:50.280 really sweet done the job of letting them you 00:43:50.280 --> 00:43:54.400 know go and fly yeah yeah what would you say 00:43:54.400 --> 00:43:58.420 is something you wish you knew before becoming 00:43:58.420 --> 00:44:03.940 a solo mom that was a hard one yeah and obviously 00:44:03.940 --> 00:44:08.579 it was like it was not any type of decision that 00:44:09.199 --> 00:44:12.179 You would have made for your family or for you. 00:44:12.539 --> 00:44:16.559 Gosh, I really am not sure about that question. 00:44:17.059 --> 00:44:21.579 Because my mind goes in a little different direction, 00:44:21.579 --> 00:44:26.920 I think. But one of the situations was Peyton 00:44:26.920 --> 00:44:28.380 saying she wished she could have gone to the 00:44:28.380 --> 00:44:32.179 hospital more at the end. I didn't know it was 00:44:32.179 --> 00:44:35.960 the end. You know, honestly, I really felt like 00:44:35.960 --> 00:44:39.219 I was kind of protecting them. would they want 00:44:39.219 --> 00:44:41.159 to see their dad in the hospital? Is that a good 00:44:41.159 --> 00:44:44.059 thing? Is it not a good thing? But I, I really, 00:44:44.119 --> 00:44:47.179 I really thought he was coming home. Like I did 00:44:47.179 --> 00:44:49.940 not have any thought that this was going to be, 00:44:49.980 --> 00:44:53.699 he'd been in the hospital before. So till the 00:44:53.699 --> 00:44:58.019 very last minute, I was like, I didn't expect 00:44:58.019 --> 00:45:04.400 to be on my own or a single mom. I just, so then 00:45:04.400 --> 00:45:07.530 you're thrown into it and you're doing it. I 00:45:07.530 --> 00:45:10.750 know when I was going through and thinking about 00:45:10.750 --> 00:45:15.190 some of the ideas of this conversation, the thought 00:45:15.190 --> 00:45:18.809 of having to have the hard conversations with 00:45:18.809 --> 00:45:23.769 the kids that typically a dad would have. That 00:45:23.769 --> 00:45:27.070 was, I remember saying to the boys at times, 00:45:27.110 --> 00:45:29.369 like, I know this kind of sucks that you're having 00:45:29.369 --> 00:45:32.150 to hear this from your mom, but this is the situation 00:45:32.150 --> 00:45:35.820 right now. Or, you know. the things that he would 00:45:35.820 --> 00:45:39.000 have helped them learn that I, but I don't know 00:45:39.000 --> 00:45:43.239 how that equates to how I like this. Yeah. The 00:45:43.239 --> 00:45:45.159 specific question you asked, you know, that's 00:45:45.159 --> 00:45:48.780 okay. Yeah. What is something, um, you would 00:45:48.780 --> 00:45:52.960 want to tell a single mom or a parent who might 00:45:52.960 --> 00:45:59.320 be in the weeds right now to breathe and you'll 00:45:59.320 --> 00:46:02.280 get through it. It's just, it's, it can be so 00:46:02.280 --> 00:46:06.230 hard at times, but I've heard this from other 00:46:06.230 --> 00:46:10.650 parents, coupled parents too, that when your 00:46:10.650 --> 00:46:13.070 kid says to you later on in life, oh my gosh, 00:46:13.150 --> 00:46:16.110 thank you for doing that, or I know that was 00:46:16.110 --> 00:46:17.909 really hard at the time and I didn't like you 00:46:17.909 --> 00:46:20.570 for it then, but now I understand and I appreciate. 00:46:21.150 --> 00:46:24.849 I share those types of moments with other single 00:46:24.849 --> 00:46:29.210 moms, with younger kids maybe than mine, saying 00:46:29.210 --> 00:46:31.599 that, you know what? You are doing a great job 00:46:31.599 --> 00:46:35.199 and they are going to survive and thrive. You 00:46:35.199 --> 00:46:37.800 know, like you really, you're doing a good job 00:46:37.800 --> 00:46:42.199 because when you're having to make all the decisions 00:46:42.199 --> 00:46:48.239 and you don't have anybody else to powwow with 00:46:48.239 --> 00:46:50.840 and really like, okay, let's brainstorm. How 00:46:50.840 --> 00:46:52.920 are we going to handle this situation? Have you 00:46:52.920 --> 00:46:56.929 heard of the term decision fatigue? Oh no, but 00:46:56.929 --> 00:46:59.789 I like it like that. I don't think that's a real 00:46:59.789 --> 00:47:02.530 thing. And I don't think I had a name for it, 00:47:02.550 --> 00:47:05.110 but yeah, I, there are many times it's like, 00:47:05.210 --> 00:47:08.190 oh my gosh, I am really, really tired of making 00:47:08.190 --> 00:47:11.369 decisions. And weirdly, even, you know, at times 00:47:11.369 --> 00:47:13.429 when you're getting together with friends and 00:47:13.429 --> 00:47:15.789 nobody can figure out where to go to eat and 00:47:15.789 --> 00:47:17.610 you're like, you know what? I don't want to make 00:47:17.610 --> 00:47:19.909 that decision. That's one of the nice things 00:47:19.909 --> 00:47:21.949 when people bring you meals. Yes. And you're 00:47:21.949 --> 00:47:23.969 like, I'll eat anything because I didn't, it's 00:47:23.969 --> 00:47:26.090 not just the cooking. Yes. I didn't have to decide 00:47:26.090 --> 00:47:31.750 what it was. Yep. Yep. Yeah. So true. So what 00:47:31.750 --> 00:47:34.909 is advice you'd give the support system of a 00:47:34.909 --> 00:47:38.429 solo parent? Okay. So this, this is a good one, 00:47:38.489 --> 00:47:42.650 I think, because I've had similar to the family 00:47:42.650 --> 00:47:44.690 that brought us that meal every, every Monday 00:47:44.690 --> 00:47:48.300 night. There are certain friends in my life that 00:47:48.300 --> 00:47:53.579 said right away after John passed, this is what 00:47:53.579 --> 00:47:56.880 I can do for you. Anytime, I'm talking about 00:47:56.880 --> 00:47:59.659 a very specific, wonderful set of neighbors, 00:47:59.880 --> 00:48:06.059 Rory and Leslie Foster. Rory said to me, I don't 00:48:06.059 --> 00:48:08.260 know why this is making me so sad now, or crying. 00:48:09.019 --> 00:48:13.559 He said, I know cars, and anytime you have a 00:48:13.559 --> 00:48:16.119 problem with your car, Or anything to do with 00:48:16.119 --> 00:48:20.820 cars, you call me. And I have literally gone 00:48:20.820 --> 00:48:24.199 to him to change windshield wipers. He's offered 00:48:24.199 --> 00:48:27.179 to go help Quinn change a tire. He's replaced 00:48:27.179 --> 00:48:30.860 a battery at my house. His son actually has even 00:48:30.860 --> 00:48:34.519 changed the, did an oil change for Joan and Chuck 00:48:34.519 --> 00:48:37.719 a couple summers ago when he was home from college. 00:48:38.320 --> 00:48:44.679 I, that was the most. That specific, his just 00:48:44.679 --> 00:48:48.500 very specific, this is what I can do for you. 00:48:48.780 --> 00:48:52.460 And I knew I could call him. I didn't have to 00:48:52.460 --> 00:48:55.280 think about, I think when people say, let me 00:48:55.280 --> 00:48:57.300 know what you need. Let me know if I can help 00:48:57.300 --> 00:48:59.159 you with anything. We've talked about this all 00:48:59.159 --> 00:49:01.219 the time. We talked about it specifically postpartum. 00:49:01.219 --> 00:49:03.199 People always do that to you. They're like, I'll 00:49:03.199 --> 00:49:06.579 do anything. And you're like. Cool. Like I can't 00:49:06.579 --> 00:49:08.880 even think about what the anything I need is. 00:49:09.000 --> 00:49:11.780 And I've heard that a lot in conversations with, 00:49:11.900 --> 00:49:14.559 um, in, in grief groups and different things 00:49:14.559 --> 00:49:17.559 that I've been in that it's a lovely sentiment. 00:49:17.599 --> 00:49:20.000 We def, there are people that definitely mean 00:49:20.000 --> 00:49:23.300 it and, and I've, I've said it too to others, 00:49:23.300 --> 00:49:28.949 but to have somebody be so specific. And you 00:49:28.949 --> 00:49:31.829 connect that person with that thing. Then I know, 00:49:31.909 --> 00:49:35.869 I just really knew that that was so, um, from 00:49:35.869 --> 00:49:39.309 his heart that, and he thought about it and he 00:49:39.309 --> 00:49:43.570 was very, you know, that, that really was a huge 00:49:43.570 --> 00:49:47.650 help. And I have shared that with a lot of people 00:49:47.650 --> 00:49:51.130 over the years, like, okay, this is what my gift 00:49:51.130 --> 00:49:55.380 is. Now, this is what. anytime like i'm serious 00:49:55.380 --> 00:49:57.980 like i don't i'm not just saying this you can 00:49:57.980 --> 00:50:00.860 call me in two years and say hey you mentioned 00:50:00.860 --> 00:50:03.840 this i'm like yep i will help you with that well 00:50:03.840 --> 00:50:05.599 that's nice when it's something like that too 00:50:05.599 --> 00:50:10.559 because it is like a it doesn't come up all the 00:50:10.559 --> 00:50:12.840 time right where you're like okay and it so it 00:50:12.840 --> 00:50:15.239 feels almost more genuine when it's like something 00:50:15.239 --> 00:50:17.519 like a car or like hey i know my car is gonna 00:50:17.519 --> 00:50:20.099 need an oil change but it's not picking up groceries 00:50:20.099 --> 00:50:21.760 where it's like i need that done every single 00:50:21.760 --> 00:50:23.820 week so that feels like a lot to ask of someone 00:50:23.820 --> 00:50:26.380 but like hey can you change my oil it's like 00:50:26.380 --> 00:50:29.159 that's a saturday afternoon like it yeah and 00:50:29.159 --> 00:50:32.599 it's hard like you have to it's it's hard as 00:50:32.599 --> 00:50:35.099 a person wanting to help others to like okay 00:50:35.579 --> 00:50:38.179 What can I do? And it doesn't necessarily, I 00:50:38.179 --> 00:50:40.559 wouldn't say it has to be like, I mean, that 00:50:40.559 --> 00:50:42.739 was obviously such a wonderful, very specific, 00:50:42.739 --> 00:50:46.599 but to almost insert, I don't want to say insert 00:50:46.599 --> 00:50:49.920 yourself necessarily, but to come up with an 00:50:49.920 --> 00:50:52.420 idea of how to help somebody and actually just 00:50:52.420 --> 00:50:55.519 say, Hey, I'd like to do this. Yeah. Can I come 00:50:55.519 --> 00:50:58.500 over today? What day would be good? Or, you know, 00:50:58.519 --> 00:51:03.219 um, I think those, those. things that people 00:51:03.219 --> 00:51:08.059 did for us were wonderful because that was not 00:51:08.059 --> 00:51:11.320 something I had to make the decision about. Or 00:51:11.320 --> 00:51:15.699 that's been a very specific thing I've shared 00:51:15.699 --> 00:51:18.820 with people that are needing to help others and 00:51:18.820 --> 00:51:22.980 be support with others. And that's super cool 00:51:22.980 --> 00:51:25.460 for this neighbor to be like, this is my skill 00:51:25.460 --> 00:51:28.059 set or this is what I know I can do too. And 00:51:28.059 --> 00:51:30.039 I think when it comes to supporting others, that 00:51:30.039 --> 00:51:32.619 can be helpful too. Like, oh, what is something 00:51:32.619 --> 00:51:35.820 I can specifically offer? And maybe I don't have 00:51:35.820 --> 00:51:38.920 special skills, but I'm going to the grocery 00:51:38.920 --> 00:51:43.800 store so I can pick up milk. That like, what 00:51:43.800 --> 00:51:46.460 is something specific to me that maybe other 00:51:46.460 --> 00:51:48.579 people can offer too, but that I know is in my 00:51:48.579 --> 00:51:51.340 capacity. Because again, with this like, let 00:51:51.340 --> 00:51:54.199 me. you know if you need anything that's that's 00:51:54.199 --> 00:51:57.260 a lot yeah yeah it's like I need a thousand things 00:51:57.260 --> 00:52:01.960 all right now yeah it's so true yeah yeah uh 00:52:01.960 --> 00:52:05.940 is there any last minute thoughts or things that 00:52:05.940 --> 00:52:10.360 you um maybe forgot to mention or want to um 00:52:10.360 --> 00:52:13.920 throw out there as far as your experience being 00:52:13.920 --> 00:52:17.519 a single mom one thing that having four kids 00:52:18.349 --> 00:52:21.150 And I know this would have been the same whether 00:52:21.150 --> 00:52:25.010 John was still living or not, that they're all 00:52:25.010 --> 00:52:29.429 so different. And it's crazy to think, okay, 00:52:29.469 --> 00:52:32.469 four kids, same family, same house. Like it's 00:52:32.469 --> 00:52:37.530 how different they can be. And to really, I feel 00:52:37.530 --> 00:52:40.449 like that makes me, that's probably one of my 00:52:40.449 --> 00:52:43.889 joys too to go back to is that I hope that I 00:52:43.889 --> 00:52:48.869 let them figure out how they specifically, thrived 00:52:48.869 --> 00:52:52.630 as far as partly I think of education and how 00:52:52.630 --> 00:52:56.190 different each of the kids were in school and 00:52:56.190 --> 00:52:59.829 that was a huge challenge to figure out how to 00:52:59.829 --> 00:53:03.449 help them and get them through and that was definitely 00:53:03.449 --> 00:53:06.610 not my strong suit but I feel like knowing that 00:53:06.610 --> 00:53:09.309 each of them had their own individual you know 00:53:09.309 --> 00:53:13.090 paths and to help them figure out what those 00:53:13.090 --> 00:53:15.469 paths were as opposed to like nope this is what 00:53:15.469 --> 00:53:19.449 you have to do and um I'm not sure where that... 00:53:19.449 --> 00:53:22.429 No, but I think it's interesting because for 00:53:22.429 --> 00:53:25.329 you, there's a level of like... you're so busy 00:53:25.329 --> 00:53:27.789 you don't have time to micromanage right when 00:53:27.789 --> 00:53:29.829 you have four kids as a solo parent you're like 00:53:29.829 --> 00:53:31.590 I don't have time to tell you how to live your 00:53:31.590 --> 00:53:33.750 life because I have to make sure your brother 00:53:33.750 --> 00:53:38.170 is at school and everyone has lunch so like maybe 00:53:38.170 --> 00:53:40.909 that's part of I mean yeah your personality I 00:53:40.909 --> 00:53:42.929 feel like you would not have ever like forced 00:53:42.929 --> 00:53:45.329 your kids to do anything anyway yeah but then 00:53:45.329 --> 00:53:47.070 there yeah there comes a point where like you're 00:53:47.070 --> 00:53:51.800 just so busy you have to let them just be who 00:53:51.800 --> 00:53:53.699 they are because you don't have time not to. 00:53:54.059 --> 00:53:58.199 Yes. Until then. Yeah. I think it goes back to 00:53:58.199 --> 00:54:01.480 some of a conversation that I had recently and 00:54:01.480 --> 00:54:07.000 or JT had sent me a note saying that he had was 00:54:07.000 --> 00:54:09.699 going to quit a job and he'd had it for a while, 00:54:09.719 --> 00:54:11.679 but it was like going in a different direction. 00:54:11.679 --> 00:54:14.739 And he just sent me the sweetest message that 00:54:14.739 --> 00:54:17.619 said, thank you for raising us to know that. 00:54:18.250 --> 00:54:20.690 it's okay to make changes and that we're going 00:54:20.690 --> 00:54:23.469 to be okay. And I can't remember exactly how, 00:54:23.510 --> 00:54:27.489 how he put it, but it was very, it just, it made 00:54:27.489 --> 00:54:29.670 me feel like, okay, that was a good mom moment 00:54:29.670 --> 00:54:32.989 that, you know, at least that was lessons that 00:54:32.989 --> 00:54:36.550 I helped them, hopefully help them get through 00:54:36.550 --> 00:54:40.489 this life that there's not one single path and 00:54:40.489 --> 00:54:44.130 that they can, you know, it's, it's okay to take 00:54:44.130 --> 00:54:47.119 some time to figure it out or. I want them to 00:54:47.119 --> 00:54:50.440 be happy. Do you feel like you can see pieces 00:54:50.440 --> 00:54:53.079 of John in each of your kids? Oh, my goodness, 00:54:53.239 --> 00:54:56.619 yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I bet that's really sweet. 00:54:57.639 --> 00:55:04.280 Yeah. We were all together in June. So was four 00:55:04.280 --> 00:55:10.659 generations. And that was so fun just to sit 00:55:10.659 --> 00:55:16.039 back and see all their interactions. I just knew, 00:55:16.059 --> 00:55:18.480 like, John would be so, like, that was one of 00:55:18.480 --> 00:55:21.280 our family traditions to have a little beach 00:55:21.280 --> 00:55:25.880 time each summer. His grandparents started that. 00:55:26.039 --> 00:55:31.559 And it was just such a lovely experience to be 00:55:31.559 --> 00:55:34.719 seeing all these adult kids and the babies running 00:55:34.719 --> 00:55:40.000 around now. And I definitely see their dad in 00:55:40.000 --> 00:55:46.030 all of them. imagination and their you know their 00:55:46.030 --> 00:55:49.889 intellect and their kindness and their joy for 00:55:49.889 --> 00:55:56.630 life yeah well yeah it sounds like you are an 00:55:56.630 --> 00:56:00.809 amazing mother and um it sounds like your kids 00:56:00.809 --> 00:56:05.570 know that too And I just got to meet you for 00:56:05.570 --> 00:56:11.030 the first time today. And I feel like you just 00:56:11.030 --> 00:56:14.030 have raised your kids to be the best kids that 00:56:14.030 --> 00:56:19.010 they could possibly be. With a lot of help. Yeah. 00:56:19.030 --> 00:56:23.510 Yeah. Yeah. Thank you for sharing your story. 00:56:24.170 --> 00:56:26.829 Thanks for having me. Sorry I was kind of nervous. 00:56:27.210 --> 00:56:31.150 No, no. Thank you for sharing the realities of 00:56:31.150 --> 00:56:34.010 motherhood. And obviously, I know your story 00:56:34.010 --> 00:56:35.789 is not something that you would wish upon any 00:56:35.789 --> 00:56:39.500 mom. We appreciate you sharing it. Thank you. 00:56:39.619 --> 00:56:43.360 Yeah. Well, should we, we like to close out every 00:56:43.360 --> 00:56:48.199 episode with some wins of the week. And I guess 00:56:48.199 --> 00:56:52.579 I'll share my win first. Okay. So we have not 00:56:52.579 --> 00:56:55.079 really started potty training our two -year -old, 00:56:55.179 --> 00:56:58.219 but like kind of have, I don't know, just like 00:56:58.219 --> 00:57:02.199 really introducing him to going potty on the 00:57:02.199 --> 00:57:07.469 potty. And so really any, time I think of it 00:57:07.469 --> 00:57:09.750 I'm like hey buddy like you want to try to go 00:57:09.750 --> 00:57:16.829 potty on the potty and um so three days ago um 00:57:16.829 --> 00:57:19.409 like sometimes he'll tell us no and we're like 00:57:19.409 --> 00:57:22.030 okay I'm not gonna try to force it yet but he 00:57:22.030 --> 00:57:24.190 was like yes and I was like okay buddy let's 00:57:24.190 --> 00:57:27.409 go and so we don't have like an attachment for 00:57:27.409 --> 00:57:29.809 the potty yet which I need to get but so we'll 00:57:29.809 --> 00:57:32.690 just like hold him over the big potty And he's 00:57:32.690 --> 00:57:36.050 like, he's like straining so hard to like try 00:57:36.050 --> 00:57:39.010 to go. And he pooped a little bit. And we were 00:57:39.010 --> 00:57:42.090 like. so excited for him and he's like he's like 00:57:42.090 --> 00:57:44.989 shaking his hands like so excited and he knows 00:57:44.989 --> 00:57:46.989 when he goes poop on the potty he gets an ice 00:57:46.989 --> 00:57:50.469 cream cone and we have like the little mini like 00:57:50.469 --> 00:57:53.869 trader joe's ice cream cones and so like right 00:57:53.869 --> 00:57:55.869 when he did it he was like mama ice cream cone 00:57:55.869 --> 00:57:58.789 i was like yes buddy you get an ice cream cone 00:57:58.789 --> 00:58:00.829 and we were so excited for him and he was so 00:58:00.829 --> 00:58:03.510 excited so he's like eating his ice cream cone 00:58:03.510 --> 00:58:07.650 then the next day he did it again and he's like 00:58:07.650 --> 00:58:10.030 mama ice cream cone I was like, yes, buddy. And 00:58:10.030 --> 00:58:12.030 this is my last ice cream cone that I had because 00:58:12.030 --> 00:58:15.730 I also like those ice cream cones. So I was eating 00:58:15.730 --> 00:58:19.409 them all. And so then after he did that one, 00:58:19.429 --> 00:58:21.690 I like told Michael, my husband, I was like, 00:58:21.769 --> 00:58:25.079 OK, we're going to. we need to switch our reward. 00:58:25.260 --> 00:58:27.179 Cause he, this kid's going to get ice cream cones 00:58:27.179 --> 00:58:30.199 every single day. Cause he knows he's like, even 00:58:30.199 --> 00:58:31.980 if he poops just a little bit, he's going to 00:58:31.980 --> 00:58:33.940 get ice cream cones. So then I ordered a potty 00:58:33.940 --> 00:58:36.960 chart from Amazon. So now I'm like having to 00:58:36.960 --> 00:58:39.380 try to explain to my two year old, like now he 00:58:39.380 --> 00:58:42.059 gets a sticker every time he goes potty, not 00:58:42.059 --> 00:58:44.500 an ice cream cone anymore, which is like totally 00:58:44.500 --> 00:58:48.260 a disappointment to him. But overall it's been 00:58:48.260 --> 00:58:50.539 a win. I think we're going to really like, we 00:58:50.539 --> 00:58:52.380 really just need to determine when we're actually 00:58:52.380 --> 00:58:54.719 going to like, fully potty trained because i 00:58:54.719 --> 00:58:57.619 i do think he's ready and it's really just getting 00:58:57.619 --> 00:59:00.699 like me and my husband on board to like okay 00:59:00.699 --> 00:59:03.619 we're gonna have to let's stick to this and do 00:59:03.619 --> 00:59:05.980 this because we just went to costco today too 00:59:05.980 --> 00:59:09.199 bought diapers and now both of our kids are in 00:59:09.199 --> 00:59:13.280 the same size diapers And it's just expensive. 00:59:13.619 --> 00:59:16.300 And we're like, let's, we need to minimize. Yeah. 00:59:16.519 --> 00:59:19.079 Body training is so true. It's like 50 bucks 00:59:19.079 --> 00:59:21.739 a box for like diapers we're going to go through 00:59:21.739 --> 00:59:26.880 in two weeks. I'm just over that, like, expense. 00:59:27.239 --> 00:59:30.840 So, yeah. So that's my win. We're, yeah, starting 00:59:30.840 --> 00:59:34.179 to do some poops in the potty. It's a big deal. 00:59:34.280 --> 00:59:37.739 Yeah, right? How about you, Erica? So my mom 00:59:37.739 --> 00:59:40.539 saved a bunch of our, like, favorite childhood 00:59:40.539 --> 00:59:42.300 books. So she didn't save all of them, but the 00:59:42.300 --> 00:59:44.760 ones that were, like, on repeat all the time, 00:59:44.780 --> 00:59:47.019 she saved some of those. And so she gave me some 00:59:47.019 --> 00:59:50.059 of them recently. And there are a couple, not 00:59:50.059 --> 00:59:51.400 all of them, but there are a couple that Lloyd 00:59:51.400 --> 00:59:54.699 really likes. just the sweetest thing like nostalgic 00:59:54.699 --> 00:59:56.960 yeah it's just the sweetest thing to be able 00:59:56.960 --> 00:59:59.900 to share this like random but like one in particular 00:59:59.900 --> 01:00:02.739 I asked my mom she still had it because it came 01:00:02.739 --> 01:00:04.960 to my mind the other day and I was like I looked 01:00:04.960 --> 01:00:08.099 on Amazon I googled it I can't find it it's called 01:00:08.099 --> 01:00:10.940 you can do it rabbit it's about a toy rabbit 01:00:10.940 --> 01:00:14.559 learning to ride a bike yes and he loves it it's 01:00:14.559 --> 01:00:17.019 so sweet so it's just been a really like sweet 01:00:17.019 --> 01:00:20.869 mom experience to share this like This thing 01:00:20.869 --> 01:00:24.090 that I remember reading as a kid with my little 01:00:24.090 --> 01:00:26.969 boy. Yeah, that's sweet. That's so fun. Stacey, 01:00:27.050 --> 01:00:29.929 can you think of a win of the week for you? Or 01:00:29.929 --> 01:00:31.389 it doesn't have to be this week. It could be. 01:00:31.710 --> 01:00:35.010 I'm going to say this month because I got to 01:00:35.010 --> 01:00:39.559 go visit Peyton. and JoJo within a two -week 01:00:39.559 --> 01:00:43.320 period. And then I see Quinn. I saw Quinn last 01:00:43.320 --> 01:00:45.599 week, and I'm going to see him this weekend for 01:00:45.599 --> 01:00:48.960 his birthday. And then I'm going to see JT at 01:00:48.960 --> 01:00:51.320 the end of this month. I'm traveling to Minnesota 01:00:51.320 --> 01:00:56.460 to see him and meet Lane's family. Fun. So getting 01:00:56.460 --> 01:01:00.099 to see all four kids in a month period when they 01:01:00.099 --> 01:01:02.980 live in four different states. Yeah, wow. That's 01:01:02.980 --> 01:01:04.940 a pretty big deal. Yeah, I thought that was a 01:01:04.940 --> 01:01:06.719 pretty good win on my part as a mom. That is 01:01:06.719 --> 01:01:10.800 a win. Oh my gosh, yeah. Well, thank you so much 01:01:10.800 --> 01:01:15.000 for sharing your story. Thanks for having me. 01:01:15.019 --> 01:01:17.519 Thanks for thinking about me. It was so fun to 01:01:17.519 --> 01:01:18.699 hear you reach out. You were one of the first 01:01:18.699 --> 01:01:20.900 people that came to mind. And then I'm like, 01:01:20.960 --> 01:01:23.469 oh my gosh. Do you want to talk about this? I'm 01:01:23.469 --> 01:01:26.269 like, okay, yes. Because I do. I mean, I talk 01:01:26.269 --> 01:01:29.309 about it with others, but it's just. I think 01:01:29.309 --> 01:01:32.030 your story can help people. So, yeah. Yeah, I 01:01:32.030 --> 01:01:34.570 appreciate it. Well, thanks for listening today, 01:01:34.670 --> 01:01:37.690 guys. Let us know what you think. Follow us on 01:01:37.690 --> 01:01:41.590 Instagram at nomanualpodcast. And we will see 01:01:41.590 --> 01:01:43.670 you next week. See you next week.