Welcome back to No Manual on MomCast, where we're
here just to talk about the reality of motherhood,
the good, the bad, all the things in between.
And today we're with Stacey Wright, who I've
known for a very long time. And she's going to
talk about her experience being a single mom.
So Stacey, do you want to introduce yourself
a little bit? Like where you're from, what you
do right now? All right. I hadn't thought about
where I was from until we were just talking about
California. Originally from California, been
here in Colorado for almost 20 years. So definitely
feel like this is home now. Currently, I'm a
seamstress and I do costume work and weddings
and everyday clothes too. And I've taught over
the years as well. Awesome. Great. Yeah, that's
great. Well, let's go ahead and hop into our
mom moments. Erica, do you want to share yours
first? So for anyone who doesn't know, my husband
Stuart is a drummer, which means Lloyd is also
a drummer. And so we have drumsticks all over
the house. Another piece of information is the
smoke detectors in our house are so sensitive.
Really? Like, I think about cooking, and they're
like, we better go off. Our neighbors probably
think I burn every single meal. Which is probably
fun when, like, the kids are sleeping. You're
like, we cannot cook. Yeah. Zeta sleeps through
them, thankfully. That's great. Wow. But we also
have tall ceilings. So to turn them off, to,
like, hit the reset button, I have to... pull
up a kitchen chair, grab a drumstick, and then
hit the reset button. So the other day, Lloyd
had a drumstick and he was hitting things he
wasn't supposed to, so we're trying to redirect
him. I was like, buddy. how do we use drumsticks
properly? And he grabs a chair and pushes it
and then climbs up and clearly is trying to like
hit the, he's not tall enough, obviously, but
he's trying to hit the reset button on the. You're
like, you're not wrong. I guess that's how mom
uses drumsticks more than anything else. But
one of those funny, like copying moments where
clearly he's seen me doing this enough that this
is what he thinks. Oh, that's awesome. That's
amazing. Okay, my mom moment happened last night.
So my son Colt is really into golfing right now.
And so we got him some golf clubs, like just
some little toddler plastic golf clubs. Cruz
has a lot to say clearly right now too. And last
night I'm like, we're down in our little playroom
and Colt is like swinging his golf clubs and
then comes right over to me and I could see it
in his face. He was like wanting to feel aggressive.
And so all of a sudden he just swings it at me
as hard as he can. Hits me dead in like the funny
bone, which is like, wow, good shot. But it like
tingled all up my arm. And then I have a nice
little. It's not a big bruise, but a little bruise
where it's like, oh, that hurt. And so I'm like,
I got so frustrated at him. But also I think
like whenever Colt swung, he was trying to hit
Cruz. And so he swung and I like blocked him
with my arm. So that's when it hit my elbow.
And I was like, okay, buddy, we're all done with
golf clubs right now. And it just, I mean, it
hurt. It hurt real bad. Anything on the funny
bones not good? Yeah, right. So that was my mom
moment. I mean, it was funny after, but he's
starting to feel aggressive in certain situations,
and I can see it in his eyes now. I don't know
if you feel this with Lloyd at all, but I can
tell when he wants to do something mischievous
or act out, and I can see it in his eyes, and
thankfully I was able to react quicker than he
was able to react. That was a fun little mom
moment last night. I love that for you. Yes.
Yeah, how about you, Stacey? Can you come up
with a mom moment? Well, I think because I was
just taking care of the kids, my grandkids, and
you guys thinking about the littles, that's where
my mind went to. I actually had to take... um,
Grayson and Eloise to a department store and
get a bunch of new clothes. Cause my luggage
was lost when I went to visit them and it was
the first day I was watching them. And so I said,
okay, we're going to go have a fashion show in
the dressing room. And we got in one of the big
dressing rooms and they sat on the bench and
I tried on the clothes and they'd say, that's
a winner, Gigi. And all the people around were
laughing because they could hear us because they're
obviously not like. soundproof, but I felt very
accomplished that I could get some new clothes
and they were doing so great. And I probably
would have never done that with my own kids back
in the day. Kids are better behaved for everyone
else than they are for their own mom. That is
very true. Like that is a really, really good
point. So I feel like Peyton probably couldn't
have done that and have them be as well behaved.
That's so true. Well, let's just hop right in.
So Stacey, if you would just introduce your family.
Yeah, tell us a little bit about your family
and your kids. Hi, I'm Stacey Wright. I have
four kids. Peyton, who's married to David, and
I have three grandkids, Grayson, Eloise, and
Shep. I have JT, and he is engaged now to Lane,
so I have a future daughter -in -law. And Quinn
is in Fort Collins. He's the only one here in
Colorado still. And he's dating Sophia, which
I feel like is another daughter to me, too. And
JoJo is my youngest, and she is down in Arizona
right now. Sorry, I didn't even think about all
the other locations of everybody. I still have
my in -laws living with me, Joan and Chuck, and
my sister -in -law, Susan. So actively in my
household, I have other adults, which is lovely,
and my pups. And my kitty. You gotta have something
in your house. I can't imagine having kids in
the house and then not having pets or something
when you become an empty nester. The house would
just be so quiet. Yes, well, and JoJo was the
instigator and all the pets, too. As each kid
left, we ended up getting an animal, and then
she moved out, too. But I couldn't do it without
them. They bring a lot of joy. Well, give us
a little bit of information on... what happened
how did you become a single mom um how old were
you how old were the kids what was the scenario
there all right so we we were here we moved to
colorado in 2006 for a ministry job and um we're
living our life and having a good time and feeling
god's leading us and then that job ended after
a year based on some situations with that church
and so we had to seek another church that felt
like a a new you know a new place to start we
found Discovery and immediately fell in love
with it but John was still out of a job so he
we through some neighbors we found a job he got
a job at um Woodrow Wilson I probably I promise
this is all coming back into play He started
teaching again. And while he was at the school,
there was a young boy who had leukemia and actually
two kids with leukemia and just were students
and they were living their life. And we had a
wake up call in 2010 because my mom actually
had breast cancer and she wanted me to have.
an exam and make sure that I was okay. And so
I, it was all the medical was about me, but I,
John hadn't been to the doctor in years. So June
of that year after school ended, he finally went
to have a physical. And by the end of that week,
he, we heard leukemia. Wow. And from that day,
it was 10 months until he passed. Wow. What was
it like telling your kids that dad's sick? Gosh.
He was a science teacher. And so he had all the
knowledge. And he was a teacher. He had been
a children's pastor. So he was so good with the
kids. And he could really explain it in... ways
that they could understand I guess I mean honestly
it's been so long I can't really remember it
was so surreal of course during that time um
but I feel like it was at the end of a school
year summer had you know summer had started so
we had all this good concentrated time with the
family too which I feel just seemed to you know
work in that weird situation of having to deal
with all this unexpected issues of doctors and
treatments and all. But I honestly can't physically
remember like sitting down and talking with them.
I don't remember that day. We had a really amazing
small group at the time through our church that
I know. Were there during some of those conversations,
but it's one of those kind of blankish times
because he just had to kind of plug along. Yeah.
And that's a lot to like you're processing and
then you have to help your kids. Cause how old
are all of your kids at that point? Um, let's
see, 12, 10, eight and six. Wow. That, well,
actually that was when he passed away. That's
when I was thinking. So yes, I mean, just. Just
before that, yeah. Wow, wow. What was it like
after the loss of your husband then supporting
your kids through? I think, so when I was talking
about his job at Woodrow Wilson, we were in a
new neighborhood. We were super close to our
neighbors. We had a brand new school that three
of the kids had been at. Also very close to our
house and super close. We were very involved
with our church. Every facet, even the town itself,
not just our neighborhood and school, every facet
of our lives were a community feeling that were
really surrounding us through the whole illness.
And then when he passed away, it was... It's
so hard to imagine somebody that does not have
that kind of support in a situation. And I'm
so thankful that we had it. I don't feel like
I was alone. Grandparents in the house too, aunt
in the house as well. It was, I couldn't have
done it. And again, I'm still learning things
recently that I didn't even know happened back
during that time. Yeah. Like what? My best friend's
mom was moving out of her home and she was going
through some boxes and shared a journal entry
that she had written about spending time with
Quinn. And they had gone to the museum, science
museum in Denver, and they were watching an IMAX
movie. She shared about that. She said, I just
wanted to let you know that I wrote this journal
entry and it was about your sweet son and your
beautiful family. And it was like, it brought
me to tears after all these years, you know,
to think that all these people were helping my
kids and taking care of our family during that
time when I was like, I don't know what I'm doing.
Yeah. I mean, understandable that you were feeling
that way and that you've probably blocked out
a lot of it. It's like trauma blocking. Yeah.
It's just survival, right? Yeah. This is so much
you can't remember. Remembering all of it would
be too much. Yes, I think so. And it really,
it's weird because another person was sharing
about the waiting room and how it was a teacher
from John's school. And she said something, she
was describing how the waiting room was when
he was in ICU near the end. all the activities
and all the people and that she didn't know if
she should stay. But then she, then she's like,
Oh my gosh, there's just so many people here.
I want to stay. Cause I want to feel all this
community. And, but I had, I didn't even know
that all those people were out there necessarily,
you know, because I was in the room with him
and it's, it's really fascinating to still hear
stories. And do they still have a walk for him?
Is it his school that is where the walk is? Yeah.
It's usually near the end of May. They have incorporated
it into a little festival for their school, and
it's in honor of John, but it helps families
that are going through difficulties or an illness
now. I was just there in May and it's amazing
and wonderful and kids that he had and that kids
were at the school come back and help. And, um,
yeah, it's pretty cool. That's cool. The right
cause walk. That's what it's called. Okay. Yeah.
You have a really lucky last name for that. I
know that's so true. So at what point did you
like kind of realize? oh I'm gonna be a single
mom like did you realize that before he passed
away or was it afterwards that you're like oh
this is my reality now it's interesting because
I I don't think I ever considered myself a single
mom okay and I just by the sake of the wording
I guess I don't know I felt I feel like I kind
of shied away I also shied away from widow I
don't even know if I said the word for like a
long, long time. Yeah. But and every time I'd
have to like check that box on something or on
a form or whatever, you know, it would make me
cry. But I it's funny because I I still feel
married. I still feel like he is in the lives
of my kids in there, just like in how I speak
to them or how I brought them up. So it's it's
really. It's interesting because I've thought
about that a lot. There's a mom in Erie that
started a program, a group for solo moms is how
she called it, which was really interesting.
And she felt that God was saying, these are moms
that are so loved. And so then the solo. Because
I don't remember exactly what the group was called
originally or if that's what she came up with
originally, but I remember hearing her talk about
that story. So in my mind, that's where my mind
goes. And I feel like because I had the support
of my John's folks and other friends in my life
and community, even though I was the one having
to make the ultimate decisions, which... Often
was awful at times. I don't know. I just never
really felt completely single. I had this question
for later, but this is a really good segue. Have
you ever considered dating or anything like that?
No, I haven't. It feels weird to think about
it. And I have a lot of single solo mom friends
that I have. That have dated and, you know, tried
it, then never mind, or are in successful relationships.
But I think, because I said it, I feel, I still
feel married, even though he's not with me in
person. But yeah, I've never really thought,
I just, I always think Betty White. I think she
made a some quote about, well, I married the
best, and so, you know, forget the rest or something.
And I have often said, if God decides I should
have somebody, he's going to need to drop them
right on my front door. You're like, I'm not
going out searching. The thought. I haven't dated
since the 80s. 1980s. I think a couple things
might have changed. I'm not sure. It seems frightening.
But, yeah, I have never. It just has never dawned
on me. And by this point, too, I've been set
in my ways for so long, I just can't imagine.
Well, and I mean, even scheduling with you, you're
a busy lady right now. Which is... I don't have
time for somebody else in my life. Which is great.
But I think, and just from everything you've
said, it sounds like you have such a good community.
And I think that's a lot of times what... Not
that there's anything wrong with choosing to
date or anything like that. Right, right. But
a lot of times there's this loneliness. Yeah.
And don't get me wrong. I definitely get lonely
at times. I think when Quinn was the last one
at the house, when he technically moved out,
I guess JoJo was, you know, partially maybe coming
back. It was, you know, it was weird. It was
really, and that was just. A couple years ago.
So it would be weird wandering the house at night
and be like, okay. Even though I had parents
downstairs in the basement, I still, it was weird.
Yeah. Yeah. What did the day -to -day look like
for you as a newly single mom or solo mom? Yeah,
what did it look like for you, like, getting
the kids to school, all the activities? I can't
even imagine. I think, yeah, having them all,
like, at different, when they were all at different
schools, that was crazy. I mean, definitely buses
were wonderful, but I feel like thinking back,
I think I've blocked a lot of that out of my
mind. They still tease me about always being
late. And now Peyton's like, oh. I kind of understand
because you're actually having to get all these
little kids together. And still, you know, sometimes
they'll make jokes about being late. I'm like,
it was not my fault. This was your fault, actually.
I've been getting ready for hours before we need
to go somewhere. And still, it's the last minute
diaper change or potty break or whatever. I feel
like, like I was saying, the fact that other
people in my family and friends, were helping
it just that was how it was immediately after
I feel like there were times I think back now
and I realize I don't remember like how did they
get to school who packed their lunch who picked
them up after school you know like there's literally
things that I have blanks on trying to remember
back because it's been you know over 14 years
now but I know having Joan and Chuck in the house
was huge because as they weren't the automatic
babysitter, but when the kids were old enough
to be capable and be able to be there, it made
it much easier for me to say, oh my gosh, I have
to go get her here or I have to get him here
or I have to go pick up. There's another adult
in the house so you can leave. Yes, that was
huge. I could not have done it without them.
And did they move in? When did they move in?
Right before he was diagnosed. Wow. Yeah, the
spring of 2010. They had been finishing our basement.
They sold their house in Broomfield. They paid
to have the basement finished for a whole apartment.
And then moved in sometime in the spring of 2010.
And he was diagnosed June, July of that year.
Wow. So the timing of it was like a God thing.
Definitely. yeah and it's just like a side thing
what was it like having your in -laws move in
with you because of course before the diagnosis
you aren't thinking of like oh now we have doctor's
appointments and we have grandparents to help
it's just a decision what was that decision like
well we had when we were early married not right
First married. Actually, when we were pregnant
with Peyton, we moved in to live with them in
California. Okay. So we were moving in with them
to save money to eventually buy a house. We all
enjoyed living together. And that was a much
smaller house at the time than we live in now.
Which is not a common situation. I used to love
saying, we live with my in -laws. And people
were like, oh my gosh. It was wonderful. So they
were there when Peyton was a baby, when JT was
a baby, and then they ended up moving out before
Quinn was born. Okay. And then, you know, different
living scenarios in California. We were in the
house that John grew up in. We bought it eventually
from them. But then moving here, they were in
a separate house. The economy was going down
in 2008. And we said, you know, why don't...
We go back to having you in the house. And so
that's how we came up with the decision. And
Chuck had had a minor stroke that was eye -opening
to be able to figure out, okay, what can we do
to help? So we thought that we were being the
bigger help. And then it was them. Turned out
the other way around. Yes, totally the other
way around. Yeah. So it was... amazing help definitely
yeah and um just to have like just to have adult
interaction when I was potentially losing my
mind you know at any given moment when they were
younger right after um that was when they couldn't
find me because I was locked in the closet crying
they could go find another adult in the house
because yeah they were there which was Yeah.
I mean, that's, I think not even in a tragic
scenario like yours. One thing we've talked about
is we both work from home with our kids and both
of our husbands go someplace to work. Like they
get adult interaction every day. Whereas like
my adult interaction is usually when Stuart gets
home. Both of us have days of the week where
it's, like, the evening is shot to where our
husbands are gone for the evening. And that's,
like, not having adult interaction is tough.
But then especially when you're going through,
you're grieving a serious loss. You know, this
love of your life has passed away. And I feel
like it's even more important then, you know,
because obviously you can't, like. talk about
your grief with your kids in the same way you
can you know like obviously there's a healthy
way to like yeah I'm sad too but you can't put
it on them in a way that you can put it on another
adult be like hey I just need to to vent to talk
to you whatever yes that that is so true what
were some of the ways that you like so you're
grieving also your kids are grieving their dad
what does that look like like how do you support
them Again, without putting your grief on them
as well. I remember the standard being told,
oh, you need to have counseling for them. You
need to do family counseling. I remember reaching
out to multiple potential resources and being
roadblocked. I remember calling a hospice program
that was in Erie. Then they were going to close
down. So then that was like, okay, nope, sorry,
we're not doing counseling anymore because our
office is actually closing. And I remember calling
an organization in Denver at some point that
was supposed to be amazing with kids, and they
didn't call me back. I left a message, and I
remember calling a camp that you could get. the
kids to be paid for to go to this camp and some,
Oh, sorry. We just don't, we don't have any more
spots or like, I just, I remember thinking, forget
this. Like why all these roadblocks keep happening.
They keep telling me I need to do something.
And it was harder even to find the support at
the time back then. I mean, the area was, there
were places far, but there wasn't a lot that
I could find close. And the kids, because of
our church and the schools being so involved
in our lives when they knew John was sick, I
feel like they had such really strong... other
adults in their lives that could help with seeing
how they were behaving or how they were you know
struggling and potentially um the elementary
school actually had an amazing resource um counselor
at the time i don't resource i can't remember
what they called her but um wasn't a resource
officer it was another title but um she was amazing
with the kids miss brown and um So I felt like
we talked about John a lot. But I realize now,
like I was saying, I'm hearing stories. Some
of my kids have said they wish we talked about
him more. Oh, interesting. And that kind of broke
my heart because I felt like I was talking and
getting them through. But again, some of it I
can't totally remember exactly. And the same
probably goes for them, too, that they probably
can't. Yes, I wonder at certain times when I'm
having conversations, like, okay, I know it was
trauma for all of us, so what is our memory and
how accurate is it? Because, yeah, I felt bad
at times talking with the kids. Oh, my gosh,
I didn't realize that's how you felt. I guess
because I had adults to talk to also, and I wasn't
only in the house with them that maybe I was
getting things out that I didn't realize I wasn't,
I should have been talking with them more about
it. But, um, yeah, it was hard from a 12 to a
six year old to know how to balance the. topics
and the level of because then they're all in
just such a different place developmentally yes
you you know how Peyton's processing something
at 12 yeah is very different than how Jojo's
processing it at six yeah like literally just
because of brain build right at this point right
I remember really early on or even before maybe
before he passed away thinking How are the kids
going to remember him? You know, like Peyton
and JT had more time with him and then, you know,
that made me sad. And I'm like, who's going to
help them with their homework? Because that wasn't
me. I don't know science. Yeah, I remember. And
that was actually a huge stressor for me because
I... He always helped with homework in all the
different categories. And I have some notes that
he wrote. There's a note in my bedroom that he
wrote on the back of an envelope. Put it on the
counter. Because he would leave before the kids
woke up, usually, when he was going to teach.
And talking about, okay, JT, make sure you finish
that word list. And, okay, make sure you do this
and do this. And I'm like... Oh, my gosh. Now
I'm going to have to take on all that. And that
was just another. That's where my mind went,
you know, when they were all still in school
and losing my support and all that. Yeah. I mean,
it's tough. Like, I think even. anytime as moms
it's really easy to feel like you carry all of
the burden just like I don't know if that's a
thing as moms and generally that's not true yeah
I mean I know there are some cases where it's
like no he's not doing his for sure but I know
for us it's like I feel like that and then I
look at all the things Stuart does and I'm like
oh no he does plenty um but in this but then
you actually lose it and you actually realize
like again the homework like he does so much
with homework he makes these lists and now all
of it's on me you know the figuring out lunches
everything so I mean I know you said it's blurry
but were there any was there anything like specific
that you remember your support system whether
it was your in -laws neighbors friends that was
you're like I know they did this and that made
such a big difference well I remember My small
group was still very active in our life for years
after, but that first year they came over at
least once a week. We would have just sessions
of sharing whatever our lives were like, obviously
all of us moms together, and praying for the
kids. them each taking one of my kids or picking
up or just the physical help of transportation
here and there, or, okay, come over to my house
and do this, or just to let them have more away
from just the house, I think. But I also had
a really good friend when John was sick. And
it took me a while to remember this. They brought
us dinner every Monday night for almost the entire
time he was going through his illness. That's
incredible. And I think it started because Quinn
had soccer on Monday nights. And they said, well,
what we're going to do is we're going to bring
you dinner on Monday nights. And I just thought.
It was like, that was amazing. That was huge.
And we had a lot of support with meals and things
from our community. But that one thing I just
remember, oh my gosh, they brought us dinner
every night or every Monday for like, I don't
even know how many months. It was just so long.
And that was such a blessing to us. I feel like
then trying to go back and really think about
this time. our small life group was, they were
super integral. Yeah. Cause they just, they could
talk to the kids about their dad. And, um, I
love that. And the support of like every week
getting together and making me like, feel like
I wasn't just being swallowed up by. life do
you feel like that support like slowly tapered
off after a while definitely yeah yeah I mean
it it felt it felt fairly organic as you know
as I got my feet under me and I know that as
our as kids get older it definitely seems to
like you know your time gets split so much more
with all our different things and Yeah, it definitely
tapered off, which, I mean, we were so inundated
with love and support from schools. Like I said,
schools and community and church and friends
and family from near and far that, you know,
it was only natural. Yeah. There was something
I remember. I totally forgot about this. Our
neighborhood put up – did you ever come to our
neighborhood during that time when he was – I
can't remember. The orange ribbons on our trees.
I feel like I have seen the orange ribbons. Yeah.
Our neighbors had put orange ribbons throughout
our entire little part of our neighborhood on
all the trees. And they were up for a very long
time. Really? A very long time. And I remember
people like newer to the area or that had...
come by or whatever. And they think that our
neighborhood was like really into Halloween or
something because it was, I think at some point
it was during Halloween that someone said, did
y 'all put these up for Halloween? And I said,
no. And then just no one took them down. Yeah.
Wow. That was, that was a, like a, a welcome
to our street every time I drove down thinking
about that. Um, gosh, I hadn't, I kind of had
forgotten about that. Um, Just knowing that somebody,
there were people in our neighborhood that all
went around and put those up. And that was when
he was sick. And then I think they stayed up
for almost a year after he passed away. It was
a really long time. Wow. Yeah. That's really
cool to see like a tangible support just as you're
driving home. You're like, okay, people care
and people love us. Yeah. Yeah. That's really
cool. What would you say was the, I guess the
turning point for you where you're like, okay,
you're this newly single mother. And was there
a moment that you can remember where you're like,
all right, I got this. Like we're getting our
feet under us. I got like today was. Did that
ever come? Yeah. And maybe it didn't. I don't
remember actually feeling that. But again, I.
I think when you're in the midst of it, you're
just having to plow through. And I don't remember,
I don't remember any specific time where I'm
like, ta -da, like I feel like, okay. And I have
talked to other moms about this and widow moms
too that have, I think that you're like, when
you lose someone and the... the potentials of
all your sadness and the dark holes that you
can go down when you have kids, you, it's like,
you can't like you have to. And they all, that
is also part of the lifeline though, I think.
I mean, the joy that they are having every day
in their having, you know, going to school and
their activities and the things and that, that
actually helped me get through it, I think. But
I, You don't really have a choice. You just have
to keep going and you don't really have much
time to think about it until the night comes
or being alone in the car. I think those are,
because most of the time I had other kids in
the car taking older kids someplace, you know.
So it's, I don't know if I ever did, you know.
I think now, once all the kids got out of the
house, I'm like, okay. Like, I think I did it.
I got this. And they all turned out pretty good
from everything I've seen. They've all turned
out wonderful. And they all still talk to you.
That's great. I was actually thinking back to
a little bit earlier in our conversation, them
being able to tell you, like, hey, I wish things
were different with how we talked about dad.
That's great. Like, that's such a healthy relationship.
Because I know people who... they would never
say that to their parents or they know if they
did say that to their parents it would turn into
a whole thing yeah or to just be able to sit
down be like hey mom like I wish this was different
you go I'm so sorry like I you know we can't
change the past I'm glad I know that now and
let's move on yeah and like be better about how
we how do we you know continue that's such a
testament to just like how your relationship
is with your kids and That you did do a good
job, you know, even if it didn't look exactly
how maybe they wanted it to. Yeah. That you did
a good job, you know, as best as you could. Because,
again, it's a tough situation. And you just,
there's no, like, here you go, here's the, you
know, how to be a mom for idiots after your husband
dies. Like, that book doesn't exist. So. It's,
and it literally, like, I think it was last year,
or maybe. this year on his birthday and the kids
are, we are always usually just reminiscing of
course. And in our, and obviously across the
country, it's, we're like talk, texting or talking
or, but Jojo came across, um, videos, a video
montage thing that somebody had put on his, um,
Facebook account years ago and she'd never seen
it. And she shared it with our, our group text
with all the kids and JT's like, Oh yeah, that's
one of my favorites. You know, I've watched that
over the years and it never, those types of things,
like it never dawned on me that there were resources
that Jojo had never seen because she was not
on Facebook and she was like, she, I mean, ironically
now it's like, okay, well. She bypassed, basically
bypassed Facebook because of her age and gone
on to other things. And then they had a neat,
you know, that was a really interesting little
interchange between them that he could encourage.
And, oh, look at this video or that video. That
was a sweet moment. And I just mentioned something
not too long ago when I was talking to one of
the boys. And they're like, oh, man, I've never
heard of that. I'd never heard that story before.
I think because of all their age differences,
I didn't realize that there are so many things
that we were talking about them in the house.
They weren't like surprises or secrets. It was
that they weren't. Just how they experienced
it. Yeah, it might have been how they were experiencing
it or that they weren't paying attention because
they were watching a show or they were doing
their own thing. I'm like, you don't remember
us talking about all this. So it is really cool
to talk to them as adults now and be able to
share things or have different conversations
now, for sure. What would you say the biggest
joy of being a solo mom in the years of, of course,
now you don't have any kids in the house, but
in the years that all the kids are at home, you're
actively being a parent. What was one of the
biggest joys in that time frame? I think... A
lot of the, like the daily successes, you know,
being able to, they're all, you know, we're having
dinner and they're sharing what they're, you
know, good, bad, weird. Like, do you know what
I'm talking about? What was that? I think high,
low, weird. High, low, weird. Yeah. So I'm like,
what was that called? We used to do that at dinner
time. And those, like that, I remember thinking,
okay. They've all been dispersed throughout the
day, wherever they were in their school or their
activities. And we're back home. We're having
dinner. And to be able to have those moments,
like the little celebrations of, okay, we're
all good. We're all safe. We're all healthy.
We've made it through the day. Got them all.
I remember, I used to remember waking up in the
morning like, okay, what day is it? What day
is it? Okay. Who do I have to go get? Like, where
do I have to get these kids to today? Or even
later in the day, I'm like, okay, what day is
it? Who do I have to pick up today? Like, okay,
I got it all figured out. There were times where
I might have forgotten or, you know. Yeah. My
birthday was forgotten once. That was just horrifying
to me. So. the it's like basically like the small
wins that all add up i think those were some
really good joyful times i can't remember who
i was telling this to but um somebody said something
really funny and milk came out of somebody's
nose and quinn's like do it again it's like oh
my gosh those things that totally make you laugh
right now as a memory that Those are the good
times. Like I remember the joys of knowing that
they, you know, had a happy life after John too.
Yeah. I mean, I spent a lot of time at your house
after he died. And your house was always so happy
and so energetic anytime I was there. So, yeah,
I always had fun there. That makes me feel good.
Yeah, everyone was always happy to see me when
I would show up and was so welcoming. And, yeah,
you had a really sweet house in the years that
I got to spend there. I'm so glad. What would
you say your biggest joy is now? Weirdly, when
I share to my friends and new people that I meet
how my kids live around the world, around the
country. In four different states. It's hard
because I miss them, but it's also I'm just so
happy that they are wanting adventure and are
secure in themselves to go off and live a life
that they want to try. And it makes me proud
that they're all out there and successful and
just enjoying life and not. thwarted by anything
i might have messed them up with yeah yeah that's
really sweet done the job of letting them you
know go and fly yeah yeah what would you say
is something you wish you knew before becoming
a solo mom that was a hard one yeah and obviously
it was like it was not any type of decision that
You would have made for your family or for you.
Gosh, I really am not sure about that question.
Because my mind goes in a little different direction,
I think. But one of the situations was Peyton
saying she wished she could have gone to the
hospital more at the end. I didn't know it was
the end. You know, honestly, I really felt like
I was kind of protecting them. would they want
to see their dad in the hospital? Is that a good
thing? Is it not a good thing? But I, I really,
I really thought he was coming home. Like I did
not have any thought that this was going to be,
he'd been in the hospital before. So till the
very last minute, I was like, I didn't expect
to be on my own or a single mom. I just, so then
you're thrown into it and you're doing it. I
know when I was going through and thinking about
some of the ideas of this conversation, the thought
of having to have the hard conversations with
the kids that typically a dad would have. That
was, I remember saying to the boys at times,
like, I know this kind of sucks that you're having
to hear this from your mom, but this is the situation
right now. Or, you know. the things that he would
have helped them learn that I, but I don't know
how that equates to how I like this. Yeah. The
specific question you asked, you know, that's
okay. Yeah. What is something, um, you would
want to tell a single mom or a parent who might
be in the weeds right now to breathe and you'll
get through it. It's just, it's, it can be so
hard at times, but I've heard this from other
parents, coupled parents too, that when your
kid says to you later on in life, oh my gosh,
thank you for doing that, or I know that was
really hard at the time and I didn't like you
for it then, but now I understand and I appreciate.
I share those types of moments with other single
moms, with younger kids maybe than mine, saying
that, you know what? You are doing a great job
and they are going to survive and thrive. You
know, like you really, you're doing a good job
because when you're having to make all the decisions
and you don't have anybody else to powwow with
and really like, okay, let's brainstorm. How
are we going to handle this situation? Have you
heard of the term decision fatigue? Oh no, but
I like it like that. I don't think that's a real
thing. And I don't think I had a name for it,
but yeah, I, there are many times it's like,
oh my gosh, I am really, really tired of making
decisions. And weirdly, even, you know, at times
when you're getting together with friends and
nobody can figure out where to go to eat and
you're like, you know what? I don't want to make
that decision. That's one of the nice things
when people bring you meals. Yes. And you're
like, I'll eat anything because I didn't, it's
not just the cooking. Yes. I didn't have to decide
what it was. Yep. Yep. Yeah. So true. So what
is advice you'd give the support system of a
solo parent? Okay. So this, this is a good one,
I think, because I've had similar to the family
that brought us that meal every, every Monday
night. There are certain friends in my life that
said right away after John passed, this is what
I can do for you. Anytime, I'm talking about
a very specific, wonderful set of neighbors,
Rory and Leslie Foster. Rory said to me, I don't
know why this is making me so sad now, or crying.
He said, I know cars, and anytime you have a
problem with your car, Or anything to do with
cars, you call me. And I have literally gone
to him to change windshield wipers. He's offered
to go help Quinn change a tire. He's replaced
a battery at my house. His son actually has even
changed the, did an oil change for Joan and Chuck
a couple summers ago when he was home from college.
I, that was the most. That specific, his just
very specific, this is what I can do for you.
And I knew I could call him. I didn't have to
think about, I think when people say, let me
know what you need. Let me know if I can help
you with anything. We've talked about this all
the time. We talked about it specifically postpartum.
People always do that to you. They're like, I'll
do anything. And you're like. Cool. Like I can't
even think about what the anything I need is.
And I've heard that a lot in conversations with,
um, in, in grief groups and different things
that I've been in that it's a lovely sentiment.
We def, there are people that definitely mean
it and, and I've, I've said it too to others,
but to have somebody be so specific. And you
connect that person with that thing. Then I know,
I just really knew that that was so, um, from
his heart that, and he thought about it and he
was very, you know, that, that really was a huge
help. And I have shared that with a lot of people
over the years, like, okay, this is what my gift
is. Now, this is what. anytime like i'm serious
like i don't i'm not just saying this you can
call me in two years and say hey you mentioned
this i'm like yep i will help you with that well
that's nice when it's something like that too
because it is like a it doesn't come up all the
time right where you're like okay and it so it
feels almost more genuine when it's like something
like a car or like hey i know my car is gonna
need an oil change but it's not picking up groceries
where it's like i need that done every single
week so that feels like a lot to ask of someone
but like hey can you change my oil it's like
that's a saturday afternoon like it yeah and
it's hard like you have to it's it's hard as
a person wanting to help others to like okay
What can I do? And it doesn't necessarily, I
wouldn't say it has to be like, I mean, that
was obviously such a wonderful, very specific,
but to almost insert, I don't want to say insert
yourself necessarily, but to come up with an
idea of how to help somebody and actually just
say, Hey, I'd like to do this. Yeah. Can I come
over today? What day would be good? Or, you know,
um, I think those, those. things that people
did for us were wonderful because that was not
something I had to make the decision about. Or
that's been a very specific thing I've shared
with people that are needing to help others and
be support with others. And that's super cool
for this neighbor to be like, this is my skill
set or this is what I know I can do too. And
I think when it comes to supporting others, that
can be helpful too. Like, oh, what is something
I can specifically offer? And maybe I don't have
special skills, but I'm going to the grocery
store so I can pick up milk. That like, what
is something specific to me that maybe other
people can offer too, but that I know is in my
capacity. Because again, with this like, let
me. you know if you need anything that's that's
a lot yeah yeah it's like I need a thousand things
all right now yeah it's so true yeah yeah uh
is there any last minute thoughts or things that
you um maybe forgot to mention or want to um
throw out there as far as your experience being
a single mom one thing that having four kids
And I know this would have been the same whether
John was still living or not, that they're all
so different. And it's crazy to think, okay,
four kids, same family, same house. Like it's
how different they can be. And to really, I feel
like that makes me, that's probably one of my
joys too to go back to is that I hope that I
let them figure out how they specifically, thrived
as far as partly I think of education and how
different each of the kids were in school and
that was a huge challenge to figure out how to
help them and get them through and that was definitely
not my strong suit but I feel like knowing that
each of them had their own individual you know
paths and to help them figure out what those
paths were as opposed to like nope this is what
you have to do and um I'm not sure where that...
No, but I think it's interesting because for
you, there's a level of like... you're so busy
you don't have time to micromanage right when
you have four kids as a solo parent you're like
I don't have time to tell you how to live your
life because I have to make sure your brother
is at school and everyone has lunch so like maybe
that's part of I mean yeah your personality I
feel like you would not have ever like forced
your kids to do anything anyway yeah but then
there yeah there comes a point where like you're
just so busy you have to let them just be who
they are because you don't have time not to.
Yes. Until then. Yeah. I think it goes back to
some of a conversation that I had recently and
or JT had sent me a note saying that he had was
going to quit a job and he'd had it for a while,
but it was like going in a different direction.
And he just sent me the sweetest message that
said, thank you for raising us to know that.
it's okay to make changes and that we're going
to be okay. And I can't remember exactly how,
how he put it, but it was very, it just, it made
me feel like, okay, that was a good mom moment
that, you know, at least that was lessons that
I helped them, hopefully help them get through
this life that there's not one single path and
that they can, you know, it's, it's okay to take
some time to figure it out or. I want them to
be happy. Do you feel like you can see pieces
of John in each of your kids? Oh, my goodness,
yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I bet that's really sweet.
Yeah. We were all together in June. So was four
generations. And that was so fun just to sit
back and see all their interactions. I just knew,
like, John would be so, like, that was one of
our family traditions to have a little beach
time each summer. His grandparents started that.
And it was just such a lovely experience to be
seeing all these adult kids and the babies running
around now. And I definitely see their dad in
all of them. imagination and their you know their
intellect and their kindness and their joy for
life yeah well yeah it sounds like you are an
amazing mother and um it sounds like your kids
know that too And I just got to meet you for
the first time today. And I feel like you just
have raised your kids to be the best kids that
they could possibly be. With a lot of help. Yeah.
Yeah. Yeah. Thank you for sharing your story.
Thanks for having me. Sorry I was kind of nervous.
No, no. Thank you for sharing the realities of
motherhood. And obviously, I know your story
is not something that you would wish upon any
mom. We appreciate you sharing it. Thank you.
Yeah. Well, should we, we like to close out every
episode with some wins of the week. And I guess
I'll share my win first. Okay. So we have not
really started potty training our two -year -old,
but like kind of have, I don't know, just like
really introducing him to going potty on the
potty. And so really any, time I think of it
I'm like hey buddy like you want to try to go
potty on the potty and um so three days ago um
like sometimes he'll tell us no and we're like
okay I'm not gonna try to force it yet but he
was like yes and I was like okay buddy let's
go and so we don't have like an attachment for
the potty yet which I need to get but so we'll
just like hold him over the big potty And he's
like, he's like straining so hard to like try
to go. And he pooped a little bit. And we were
like. so excited for him and he's like he's like
shaking his hands like so excited and he knows
when he goes poop on the potty he gets an ice
cream cone and we have like the little mini like
trader joe's ice cream cones and so like right
when he did it he was like mama ice cream cone
i was like yes buddy you get an ice cream cone
and we were so excited for him and he was so
excited so he's like eating his ice cream cone
then the next day he did it again and he's like
mama ice cream cone I was like, yes, buddy. And
this is my last ice cream cone that I had because
I also like those ice cream cones. So I was eating
them all. And so then after he did that one,
I like told Michael, my husband, I was like,
OK, we're going to. we need to switch our reward.
Cause he, this kid's going to get ice cream cones
every single day. Cause he knows he's like, even
if he poops just a little bit, he's going to
get ice cream cones. So then I ordered a potty
chart from Amazon. So now I'm like having to
try to explain to my two year old, like now he
gets a sticker every time he goes potty, not
an ice cream cone anymore, which is like totally
a disappointment to him. But overall it's been
a win. I think we're going to really like, we
really just need to determine when we're actually
going to like, fully potty trained because i
i do think he's ready and it's really just getting
like me and my husband on board to like okay
we're gonna have to let's stick to this and do
this because we just went to costco today too
bought diapers and now both of our kids are in
the same size diapers And it's just expensive.
And we're like, let's, we need to minimize. Yeah.
Body training is so true. It's like 50 bucks
a box for like diapers we're going to go through
in two weeks. I'm just over that, like, expense.
So, yeah. So that's my win. We're, yeah, starting
to do some poops in the potty. It's a big deal.
Yeah, right? How about you, Erica? So my mom
saved a bunch of our, like, favorite childhood
books. So she didn't save all of them, but the
ones that were, like, on repeat all the time,
she saved some of those. And so she gave me some
of them recently. And there are a couple, not
all of them, but there are a couple that Lloyd
really likes. just the sweetest thing like nostalgic
yeah it's just the sweetest thing to be able
to share this like random but like one in particular
I asked my mom she still had it because it came
to my mind the other day and I was like I looked
on Amazon I googled it I can't find it it's called
you can do it rabbit it's about a toy rabbit
learning to ride a bike yes and he loves it it's
so sweet so it's just been a really like sweet
mom experience to share this like This thing
that I remember reading as a kid with my little
boy. Yeah, that's sweet. That's so fun. Stacey,
can you think of a win of the week for you? Or
it doesn't have to be this week. It could be.
I'm going to say this month because I got to
go visit Peyton. and JoJo within a two -week
period. And then I see Quinn. I saw Quinn last
week, and I'm going to see him this weekend for
his birthday. And then I'm going to see JT at
the end of this month. I'm traveling to Minnesota
to see him and meet Lane's family. Fun. So getting
to see all four kids in a month period when they
live in four different states. Yeah, wow. That's
a pretty big deal. Yeah, I thought that was a
pretty good win on my part as a mom. That is
a win. Oh my gosh, yeah. Well, thank you so much
for sharing your story. Thanks for having me.
Thanks for thinking about me. It was so fun to
hear you reach out. You were one of the first
people that came to mind. And then I'm like,
oh my gosh. Do you want to talk about this? I'm
like, okay, yes. Because I do. I mean, I talk
about it with others, but it's just. I think
your story can help people. So, yeah. Yeah, I
appreciate it. Well, thanks for listening today,
guys. Let us know what you think. Follow us on
Instagram at nomanualpodcast. And we will see
you next week. See you next week.