WEBVTT

00:00:13.259 --> 00:00:15.880
Hi, everyone. Welcome back to No Manual and MomCast,

00:00:15.880 --> 00:00:18.620
where this is a place for moms to relate and

00:00:18.620 --> 00:00:21.559
talk about the realities of motherhood, the hard,

00:00:21.699 --> 00:00:24.679
the good, the bad, the ugly. If you tuned in

00:00:24.679 --> 00:00:28.559
last week, we talked about part one of the book

00:00:28.559 --> 00:00:31.160
that Erica and I read together called Remaining

00:00:31.160 --> 00:00:34.710
You While Raising Them. And today is... part

00:00:34.710 --> 00:00:36.570
two where we're going to chat about that. So

00:00:36.570 --> 00:00:39.009
before we start talking about it, let's hop into

00:00:39.009 --> 00:00:42.469
our mom moments of the week. Do you want to start

00:00:42.469 --> 00:00:46.070
with yours? Yeah, I'll get started. So I've been

00:00:46.070 --> 00:00:49.810
pretty lucky and right now we're in a phase where

00:00:49.810 --> 00:00:52.609
both kids are napping in the nursery and I usually

00:00:52.609 --> 00:00:55.130
have one nap a day that they're napping at the

00:00:55.130 --> 00:00:57.710
same time in the nursery. Usually not for the

00:00:57.710 --> 00:00:59.829
whole time. So like Lloyd has a longer nap. Zeta

00:00:59.829 --> 00:01:03.280
still has shorter naps. Yeah, so usually there's

00:01:03.280 --> 00:01:06.799
like one nap a day where I've got like an hour.

00:01:06.939 --> 00:01:09.219
Both kids are asleep. That's nice. In the nursery,

00:01:09.340 --> 00:01:13.060
I can like get some work done, all that. Yesterday,

00:01:13.379 --> 00:01:17.239
not how that went down. Yeah. And it was a day

00:01:17.239 --> 00:01:20.079
where I was like busy at work. Things were crazy,

00:01:20.200 --> 00:01:23.819
like just constant like pings and things you

00:01:23.819 --> 00:01:26.299
have to take care of. Super fun. And it was like.

00:01:26.879 --> 00:01:29.540
Got Zeta down. She slept for maybe 20 minutes,

00:01:29.659 --> 00:01:32.200
probably not even that long. Lloyd never fell

00:01:32.200 --> 00:01:34.659
asleep. Well, he fell asleep after probably an

00:01:34.659 --> 00:01:38.659
hour or more of being in his crib. Yeah, and

00:01:38.659 --> 00:01:40.319
it was just crazy. It was just all around a great

00:01:40.319 --> 00:01:42.700
time. Yeah, and then by the time Zeta was, like,

00:01:42.700 --> 00:01:44.819
tired enough that I could get her to go down

00:01:44.819 --> 00:01:48.659
for a nap. It was time to get Lloyd up. And it

00:01:48.659 --> 00:01:50.599
was just, it was one of those days. It was a

00:01:50.599 --> 00:01:53.239
super fun time. Yeah. When Stuart got home, I

00:01:53.239 --> 00:01:55.579
was like, I think I had maybe 15 minutes to do

00:01:55.579 --> 00:01:58.480
anything today. And work was crazy. So I like

00:01:58.480 --> 00:02:00.099
had to figure out how to get stuff done. Because

00:02:00.099 --> 00:02:02.459
there are days when it's like, you can make it

00:02:02.459 --> 00:02:04.140
work because there's less happening or whatever.

00:02:04.200 --> 00:02:07.079
But it was not one of those days. Gosh, that's

00:02:07.079 --> 00:02:10.219
so hard. It was rough for sure. Yeah. Work from

00:02:10.219 --> 00:02:12.560
home life. We talked about that a couple of weeks

00:02:12.560 --> 00:02:17.139
ago and oof, gosh. Okay. Um, my mom moment. So

00:02:17.139 --> 00:02:20.759
we live in a rental right now, which like has

00:02:20.759 --> 00:02:24.099
its pros and cons for sure. One thing about our

00:02:24.099 --> 00:02:27.879
house that has one bathtub. Um, so we have three

00:02:27.879 --> 00:02:31.400
bathrooms, but only one bathtub and the bathtub

00:02:31.400 --> 00:02:35.180
broke. So really it was just like the handle

00:02:35.180 --> 00:02:39.460
just fell. completely off and for a while like

00:02:39.460 --> 00:02:41.479
we knew that this was gonna happen because for

00:02:41.479 --> 00:02:44.740
a while like when you turn the handle it's like

00:02:44.740 --> 00:02:47.280
you can't tell if you're getting hot or cold

00:02:47.280 --> 00:02:49.719
water because it's like not lining up correctly

00:02:49.719 --> 00:02:53.539
um and so we knew like something was wrong and

00:02:53.539 --> 00:02:56.379
then I like went to start a bath for the boys

00:02:56.379 --> 00:03:01.039
and um it just like broke off and so with Colt

00:03:01.039 --> 00:03:03.240
I'm like okay let's just hop in the shower buddy

00:03:03.879 --> 00:03:06.639
We make it work. For Cruz, it's, like, not that

00:03:06.639 --> 00:03:10.520
simple. And so this is, like, hard to admit,

00:03:10.560 --> 00:03:13.500
but Cruz didn't get a bath for, like, probably,

00:03:13.659 --> 00:03:17.840
I don't know, eight days -ish. He's little. He's

00:03:17.840 --> 00:03:22.659
young. We did some wipe downs. No. I did literally,

00:03:22.699 --> 00:03:24.680
like, a sponge bath for him where I got, like,

00:03:24.699 --> 00:03:26.939
a bowl of warm water and, like, a washcloth and

00:03:26.939 --> 00:03:30.379
wiped him down one day. But we finally fixed

00:03:30.379 --> 00:03:34.129
it, like, two days ago. Cruz got his first bath

00:03:34.129 --> 00:03:38.669
in a while and I felt like a better mom but it's

00:03:38.669 --> 00:03:42.050
like I don't know baths in itself are like just

00:03:42.050 --> 00:03:44.550
a lot of work for me and then whenever it's like

00:03:44.550 --> 00:03:47.770
your routine gets thrown off and yeah Stuart

00:03:47.770 --> 00:03:50.330
handles all the baths like I'll help get the

00:03:50.330 --> 00:03:52.169
kids ready and then he does actual bath time

00:03:52.169 --> 00:03:55.610
and it's so nice that's great that's great yeah

00:03:55.610 --> 00:03:58.330
I am the one who usually does baths only because

00:03:59.039 --> 00:04:01.879
Colt like really wants me to do it. He's in that

00:04:01.879 --> 00:04:04.419
phase of like, no, mommy, everything does everything.

00:04:04.900 --> 00:04:07.840
And so I like get Colt bathed. Then we get him

00:04:07.840 --> 00:04:10.159
to bed. Then I usually give Cruz a bath after

00:04:10.159 --> 00:04:12.719
that, after Colt goes to bed. But it's like,

00:04:12.759 --> 00:04:16.519
man, broken bathtub. It's like a super simple

00:04:16.519 --> 00:04:18.560
fix too. We didn't even have to buy another part

00:04:18.560 --> 00:04:20.920
or anything. It just was like daunting. And even

00:04:20.920 --> 00:04:23.769
just like having an extra step. things that need

00:04:23.769 --> 00:04:26.889
to get done sometimes is way too much yeah exactly

00:04:26.889 --> 00:04:31.709
so yeah that's my mom moment yes okay yeah okay

00:04:31.709 --> 00:04:37.089
so picking up on this book on remaining you while

00:04:37.089 --> 00:04:40.930
raising them if you haven't listened to last

00:04:40.930 --> 00:04:43.980
our last episode we talked quite a bit We, I

00:04:43.980 --> 00:04:46.259
think we had planned on like kind of going in

00:04:46.259 --> 00:04:47.860
order of chapters and we haven't done that at

00:04:47.860 --> 00:04:49.980
all. Yeah, not at all. So just kind of things

00:04:49.980 --> 00:04:53.100
we liked. Yeah. So we jumped around, but go back

00:04:53.100 --> 00:04:58.060
to last week and listen to that episode. But

00:04:58.060 --> 00:05:00.899
kind of picking up. So one of the things that

00:05:00.899 --> 00:05:05.339
she brings up that I think is so good is mom

00:05:05.339 --> 00:05:08.680
triggers. And some of the things she brought

00:05:08.680 --> 00:05:13.219
up of like what mom triggers are like. grandparents

00:05:13.219 --> 00:05:15.759
can say things, your husband can say things.

00:05:16.240 --> 00:05:18.579
And again, it's like friends and social media.

00:05:19.300 --> 00:05:22.939
Like one of her examples that I've realized I

00:05:22.939 --> 00:05:25.860
think is more triggering to me than I like maybe

00:05:25.860 --> 00:05:30.100
give it credit for is grandparents. And here's

00:05:30.100 --> 00:05:31.920
the thing. Both my parents and my in -laws are

00:05:31.920 --> 00:05:34.360
great and they're super supportive. Every once

00:05:34.360 --> 00:05:36.899
in a while, there's comments like, I don't understand

00:05:36.899 --> 00:05:41.800
this. And it's never ill -intended. You know,

00:05:41.839 --> 00:05:43.839
it's always just like, this isn't how we did

00:05:43.839 --> 00:05:45.620
things when I was raising kids 30 years ago.

00:05:45.819 --> 00:05:47.600
It is how you're doing things now. And I don't

00:05:47.600 --> 00:05:49.459
understand it, but there've been a couple of

00:05:49.459 --> 00:05:51.180
things that it's like, it comes up regularly.

00:05:51.480 --> 00:05:55.500
So it, to me, it feels like, oh, so you're, you're,

00:05:55.500 --> 00:05:57.480
you don't trust my judgment, you know? And I

00:05:57.480 --> 00:06:00.160
know with a hundred percent certainty, that's

00:06:00.160 --> 00:06:02.600
not what they're saying. It is just a genuine,

00:06:02.680 --> 00:06:06.399
like, that's not, why do you, it's like, why

00:06:06.399 --> 00:06:10.040
do you do that? Right. And like it, again, I,

00:06:11.180 --> 00:06:14.120
I know it comes from like a place of like either

00:06:14.120 --> 00:06:16.360
genuine curiosity or genuinely like. Just trying

00:06:16.360 --> 00:06:18.779
to understand. I don't get it. Like again, things

00:06:18.779 --> 00:06:22.360
have changed in 30 years. So. Like the whole

00:06:22.360 --> 00:06:25.399
concept of, yeah, like they used to put babies

00:06:25.399 --> 00:06:27.779
on their bellies to sleep. Yeah. And now it's

00:06:27.779 --> 00:06:30.259
like standard to put them on their back. That's

00:06:30.259 --> 00:06:32.439
one of the big ones is sleep sex. Like I don't

00:06:32.439 --> 00:06:34.740
get sleep sex. Like why don't we just do blankets

00:06:34.740 --> 00:06:37.990
anymore? Yeah. Again, I get that that was not

00:06:37.990 --> 00:06:40.230
a recommendation when we were born and when we

00:06:40.230 --> 00:06:44.250
were growing up. And I know that when comments

00:06:44.250 --> 00:06:47.430
are made about that, it's not like, well, why

00:06:47.430 --> 00:06:48.649
are you making this decision? Yeah, it's not

00:06:48.649 --> 00:06:50.949
a judgy thing. But then, like, that is how it

00:06:50.949 --> 00:06:52.629
translates in my brain. And I have to, like,

00:06:52.629 --> 00:06:54.290
consciously be like, that's not what they're

00:06:54.290 --> 00:06:57.110
saying. Like, it's just a genuine, like, I don't

00:06:57.110 --> 00:06:58.970
get it. You know, and there are plenty of things

00:06:58.970 --> 00:07:01.949
that, like, I'm sure when our kids have kids,

00:07:02.029 --> 00:07:04.709
I'll be doing the same thing. We used sleep sacks

00:07:04.709 --> 00:07:06.529
when you were a kid. Now you're not. I don't

00:07:06.529 --> 00:07:08.250
get it. You know, and, like, that will be the

00:07:08.250 --> 00:07:12.089
intention. But, yeah, so I realized, like, I

00:07:12.089 --> 00:07:14.170
would never, I don't think I would have called

00:07:14.170 --> 00:07:15.889
it triggering before, but reading this, I'm like,

00:07:15.970 --> 00:07:18.790
oh, yeah, like, I feel like I'm being judged,

00:07:18.990 --> 00:07:21.629
even though that's not the, and I know that for

00:07:21.629 --> 00:07:24.470
a lot of other people, like, it is actually coming

00:07:24.470 --> 00:07:26.569
from a place of judgment. For sure. Yeah, and

00:07:26.569 --> 00:07:28.110
that's, like, a trigger that, like, I have to

00:07:28.110 --> 00:07:30.069
keep under control. And then the other one she

00:07:30.069 --> 00:07:34.589
mentioned is. husbands or like partners and the

00:07:34.589 --> 00:07:37.350
example she gave is when your husband comes home

00:07:37.350 --> 00:07:40.889
and says so what do you do all day yeah and like

00:07:40.889 --> 00:07:44.069
again Stuart doesn't usually say it like that

00:07:44.069 --> 00:07:47.990
but there is this level of like it's Again, a

00:07:47.990 --> 00:07:50.170
genuine curiosity of like, what did your day

00:07:50.170 --> 00:07:52.750
look like? Oh, you're saying I didn't do anything?

00:07:53.490 --> 00:07:56.550
Yeah, exactly. And that's how it like translates

00:07:56.550 --> 00:08:00.910
into your brain. Do you have like some mom triggers

00:08:00.910 --> 00:08:04.629
like that? For sure that one of like, oh, I've

00:08:04.629 --> 00:08:07.009
been here raising the kids all day, you know.

00:08:07.290 --> 00:08:09.730
Making sure your children are alive. Yeah. And

00:08:09.730 --> 00:08:12.290
so I think like going along with that, like my

00:08:12.290 --> 00:08:15.290
husband, oh my gosh, he's such a great dad. If

00:08:15.290 --> 00:08:17.920
he does something different, then. the way I

00:08:17.920 --> 00:08:21.019
do it yes then that is a huge trigger for me

00:08:21.019 --> 00:08:24.240
of like oh like so you don't think I do it a

00:08:24.240 --> 00:08:28.160
good way or you don't trust like that I my decisions

00:08:28.160 --> 00:08:31.560
yeah my decisions and I think that's a big trigger

00:08:31.560 --> 00:08:34.899
for me and yep I can relate I can relate to the

00:08:34.899 --> 00:08:39.120
grandparent one I know like we have great great

00:08:39.120 --> 00:08:42.200
grandparents for our kids and I think that um

00:08:42.779 --> 00:08:45.340
Yeah, it's just, like, it's out of genuine curiosity

00:08:45.340 --> 00:08:48.399
that they're, like, asking these questions. And

00:08:48.399 --> 00:08:51.120
it's totally, like, my internal. Yeah, it has

00:08:51.120 --> 00:08:53.500
little to nothing to do. You know, maybe there's,

00:08:53.519 --> 00:08:55.919
like, a little bit of a sense of judgment. But

00:08:55.919 --> 00:08:58.440
you know that's not the intention. No, not at

00:08:58.440 --> 00:09:01.379
all. Yeah. Yeah, it's all internal. Like, oh.

00:09:01.779 --> 00:09:03.919
Yeah. Again, like, if someone asks what you did

00:09:03.919 --> 00:09:07.259
all day, you're like, oh. So you think I did

00:09:07.259 --> 00:09:09.879
nothing. Yeah. Here, let me tell you. I did four

00:09:09.879 --> 00:09:12.419
loads of laundry. I kept the kids alive. I fed

00:09:12.419 --> 00:09:15.019
them. I also got all of my work emails done.

00:09:15.480 --> 00:09:18.580
And I only cried once. And I only cried once.

00:09:18.779 --> 00:09:22.799
And we are here. And what did you do all day?

00:09:22.980 --> 00:09:26.500
Yes. Give me the details. Yeah. Yeah. Do you

00:09:26.500 --> 00:09:29.480
think you have any other like things that trigger

00:09:29.480 --> 00:09:33.279
you in that way? I mean, social media is always

00:09:33.279 --> 00:09:36.710
a big trigger for me of like. I honestly should

00:09:36.710 --> 00:09:40.149
probably like take breaks from social media,

00:09:40.210 --> 00:09:43.149
especially during like solo parenting days. Yeah.

00:09:43.250 --> 00:09:47.289
But like if I come across reels and like, yeah,

00:09:47.370 --> 00:09:51.309
things that are like, oh, this mom's, I don't

00:09:51.309 --> 00:09:54.649
know, managing it all. The whole, yeah, the whole

00:09:54.649 --> 00:09:58.210
super mom myth again that we talked about last

00:09:58.210 --> 00:10:00.629
week. Yeah. Yeah. I feel like that's a big trigger

00:10:00.629 --> 00:10:02.789
for me. And then I get in my head of like, oh,

00:10:02.850 --> 00:10:05.610
I'm not good enough. I'm not like providing the

00:10:05.610 --> 00:10:07.850
best life for my kids. What am I doing wrong

00:10:07.850 --> 00:10:10.669
that everyone else can do this and I can't? Yes.

00:10:10.909 --> 00:10:14.009
Especially the like the reels that I see or like

00:10:14.009 --> 00:10:16.450
videos I see on Instagram of like moms like doing

00:10:16.450 --> 00:10:19.590
all of these errands with their kids. For me,

00:10:19.610 --> 00:10:22.029
like I think I'm just at that stage right now

00:10:22.029 --> 00:10:24.870
where like. Okay, we can do, we'll do like max

00:10:24.870 --> 00:10:29.350
one errand. And it's honestly usually like target

00:10:29.350 --> 00:10:31.830
pickup order. Like we're not even getting out

00:10:31.830 --> 00:10:36.889
of the car. And to me, like that is a lot, even

00:10:36.889 --> 00:10:40.350
just for me at this stage. But then I see like

00:10:40.350 --> 00:10:43.090
these videos of moms like, I don't know, going

00:10:43.090 --> 00:10:46.450
to the zoo on their own and going to Walmart

00:10:46.450 --> 00:10:49.210
and running all these errands. And it's just.

00:10:49.850 --> 00:10:52.289
It makes me feel like crap, honestly. It's like,

00:10:52.490 --> 00:10:57.129
I just, I'm not maybe creating a good childhood

00:10:57.129 --> 00:11:00.350
for my kids because we're not out running, like

00:11:00.350 --> 00:11:02.029
doing all these fun things. Yeah, we're just

00:11:02.029 --> 00:11:04.990
stuck in our house. Yeah. And I'm like, no, I

00:11:04.990 --> 00:11:07.750
know that like Colt, especially as a toddler,

00:11:07.850 --> 00:11:12.330
like he has a great time at home with his toys

00:11:12.330 --> 00:11:15.730
and playing outside and we find really fun things

00:11:15.730 --> 00:11:19.919
to do. But like, I'm not creating. sensory bins

00:11:19.919 --> 00:11:24.019
for him and yeah all these activities i'm letting

00:11:24.019 --> 00:11:28.299
him use his imagination to figure out how how

00:11:28.299 --> 00:11:30.620
to play with his toys differently each day and

00:11:30.620 --> 00:11:33.860
you know a lot of our days look pretty much the

00:11:33.860 --> 00:11:36.220
same especially working from home like we're

00:11:36.220 --> 00:11:39.679
not we're not going out a bunch yeah i definitely

00:11:39.679 --> 00:11:42.240
feel the same way and i would say like There's

00:11:42.240 --> 00:11:44.720
a level of, like, friends being triggers, too,

00:11:44.759 --> 00:11:47.200
of, like, I have lots of friends who are, like,

00:11:47.200 --> 00:11:50.379
stay -at -home moms. So then, you know, I see,

00:11:50.519 --> 00:11:52.320
again, whether it's on social media or just,

00:11:52.379 --> 00:11:54.139
like, in passing them talking about, like, things

00:11:54.139 --> 00:11:57.340
that they're doing, then me feeling like, oh,

00:11:57.460 --> 00:11:59.299
I'm not doing enough. Yeah. Again, because it's

00:11:59.299 --> 00:12:01.059
like, oh, I'm not making the sensory bins or,

00:12:01.080 --> 00:12:03.279
like, we can't go to the zoo on a Monday morning

00:12:03.279 --> 00:12:07.000
because I have to work. Yeah. I have to be online.

00:12:07.159 --> 00:12:09.559
And I have to be available. And, again, this

00:12:09.559 --> 00:12:11.379
has nothing to do with what other people are

00:12:11.379 --> 00:12:13.600
doing. It's all internalized, right? Yeah. Like,

00:12:13.600 --> 00:12:16.539
they're just living their lives and sharing about

00:12:16.539 --> 00:12:19.620
it. It's almost a jealousy. Oh, for sure. Yeah.

00:12:19.700 --> 00:12:21.980
No, there's, like, one situation. I won't share

00:12:21.980 --> 00:12:23.879
it to them, but there's one situation in particular.

00:12:23.980 --> 00:12:25.820
It's, like, I have a friend who's a stay -at

00:12:25.820 --> 00:12:27.639
-home mom, and just, like, some of the things

00:12:27.639 --> 00:12:31.480
that have come up, I'm, like, I know it's just.

00:12:32.259 --> 00:12:34.879
90 % jealousy on my part of like I wish I was

00:12:34.879 --> 00:12:36.480
a stay -at -home mom who got to make those decisions

00:12:36.480 --> 00:12:41.399
yeah and and I don't yeah yeah I feel that okay

00:12:41.399 --> 00:12:44.700
I want to talk about a little bit so one of the

00:12:44.700 --> 00:12:48.179
myths that really stood out to me is that good

00:12:48.179 --> 00:12:51.720
moms protect their children from pain yes I really

00:12:51.720 --> 00:12:56.279
like that part yeah and I one of the quotes from

00:12:56.279 --> 00:12:58.460
the book direct quotes it says the good mom myth

00:12:59.000 --> 00:13:01.399
That says it's our job to protect our kids from

00:13:01.399 --> 00:13:04.080
pain is wrong. Pain is inevitable. It's part

00:13:04.080 --> 00:13:06.980
of life. Yours, mine, theirs. Good moms don't

00:13:06.980 --> 00:13:09.279
protect their kids from all pain. They teach

00:13:09.279 --> 00:13:11.379
them how to handle it when it comes their way.

00:13:12.080 --> 00:13:15.899
And I was like, oof, that's like every part of

00:13:15.899 --> 00:13:18.600
me wants to protect my kids from every single

00:13:18.600 --> 00:13:20.480
part of the world that could bring them pain.

00:13:20.960 --> 00:13:24.240
And I want to shield them from that bubble boy

00:13:24.240 --> 00:13:27.740
again. And like. I don't want them to feel any

00:13:27.740 --> 00:13:30.240
pain from this world because I love them so much.

00:13:30.320 --> 00:13:32.159
One of the points, I'm trying to see if I can

00:13:32.159 --> 00:13:33.919
find the exact quote because it was really funny.

00:13:34.399 --> 00:13:37.940
I just thought this was funny, but also a really

00:13:37.940 --> 00:13:41.879
good point. In 1994, the American... Academy

00:13:41.879 --> 00:13:45.019
of Pediatrics recommended mothers begin torturing

00:13:45.019 --> 00:13:47.139
their babies with a practice lovingly called

00:13:47.139 --> 00:13:51.299
tummy time. Oh, yes. That was just such a good

00:13:51.299 --> 00:13:53.379
way to put it because anyone who's dealt with

00:13:53.379 --> 00:13:57.940
tummy time knows it's a struggle. But I thought

00:13:57.940 --> 00:14:01.039
that was, like, such a good example of here's

00:14:01.039 --> 00:14:03.740
something that we intentionally put our kids

00:14:03.740 --> 00:14:08.299
through that is uncomfortable. Yeah. to better

00:14:08.299 --> 00:14:12.240
them to strengthen them to yeah it says in our

00:14:12.240 --> 00:14:14.860
wisdom we allow them to experience discomfort

00:14:14.860 --> 00:14:17.639
knowing that pain will give them strength to

00:14:17.639 --> 00:14:21.039
live a great life yeah it's like oh yeah that's

00:14:21.039 --> 00:14:24.500
so true yeah i thought that was so good and again

00:14:24.500 --> 00:14:27.519
having to remind myself of that like not only

00:14:27.519 --> 00:14:30.440
can i not protect my kids from everything but

00:14:30.440 --> 00:14:33.500
in a certain level i shouldn't and like she even

00:14:33.500 --> 00:14:35.240
brings this up in the book there's like we're

00:14:35.240 --> 00:14:39.230
not talking about abuse and like extreme scenarios

00:14:39.230 --> 00:14:41.850
like yes you know we need to protect our kids

00:14:41.850 --> 00:14:44.149
from those things at all costs it's this stuff

00:14:44.149 --> 00:14:48.009
like failing a test or just like failing at things

00:14:48.009 --> 00:14:49.970
sometimes because we fail at things sometimes

00:14:49.970 --> 00:14:52.230
and that's also how we learn yeah she talked

00:14:52.230 --> 00:14:54.909
specifically about like oh one of her sons forgot

00:14:54.909 --> 00:14:58.509
to get a poster board for his school project

00:14:58.509 --> 00:15:01.490
and he like asked if they could go out and get

00:15:01.490 --> 00:15:04.090
it like the night before the project is due and

00:15:04.090 --> 00:15:06.679
she's like no We can't like you've got to figure

00:15:06.679 --> 00:15:09.659
it out. And he did. And he did. And he figured

00:15:09.659 --> 00:15:11.940
it out. He like made a makeshift poster board.

00:15:12.200 --> 00:15:15.200
And that just reminds me like when I was a kid

00:15:15.200 --> 00:15:17.259
one time, I completely forgot about a history

00:15:17.259 --> 00:15:19.820
project that was due the next day. And it was

00:15:19.820 --> 00:15:23.559
like it was a massive project. And I remember

00:15:23.559 --> 00:15:27.659
like crying so hard because my dad like said

00:15:27.659 --> 00:15:29.539
he was going to bed and he wasn't going to help

00:15:29.539 --> 00:15:33.200
me with it. And I remember just being so mad

00:15:33.200 --> 00:15:37.279
at him. And I was up all night long finishing

00:15:37.279 --> 00:15:40.279
this project and I finished it and I didn't get

00:15:40.279 --> 00:15:43.820
the best grade, that's for sure. But like it

00:15:43.820 --> 00:15:46.860
was, I mean, it's clearly stuck with me all these

00:15:46.860 --> 00:15:50.200
years of like, oh, it taught me. Planning ahead.

00:15:50.600 --> 00:15:52.240
Planning ahead. Yeah, it's going to teach me

00:15:52.240 --> 00:15:54.659
all these lessons of planning ahead and not like

00:15:54.659 --> 00:15:58.090
I can't rely on the world to just. give me handouts

00:15:58.090 --> 00:16:02.389
yeah if I forget something or if I don't do something

00:16:02.389 --> 00:16:05.950
yeah and like yeah I experienced not physical

00:16:05.950 --> 00:16:09.870
pain maybe emotional pain in that that moment

00:16:09.870 --> 00:16:13.419
but like I learned a huge lesson from it And

00:16:13.419 --> 00:16:15.399
I think that's something we have to bring into

00:16:15.399 --> 00:16:18.220
parenthood. One of the things, because of course

00:16:18.220 --> 00:16:19.799
our kids are still really young, so there's a

00:16:19.799 --> 00:16:21.419
lot of stuff where it's like, no, we still have

00:16:21.419 --> 00:16:24.500
to help. Obviously at two you're not saying,

00:16:24.539 --> 00:16:26.200
well, you forgot your water bottle when we went

00:16:26.200 --> 00:16:29.820
to the store. So now you can't have water. But

00:16:29.820 --> 00:16:34.409
there are things that I try to do. to like set

00:16:34.409 --> 00:16:36.610
them up for that. And like Lloyd specifically,

00:16:36.669 --> 00:16:39.309
obviously Zeta is still, you know, just a teeny

00:16:39.309 --> 00:16:42.990
baby, but, um, so like Lloyd, if he needs help

00:16:42.990 --> 00:16:45.210
with something and just starts whining and I'm

00:16:45.210 --> 00:16:47.610
like, Nope, you know how to say help, please.

00:16:47.649 --> 00:16:49.889
You don't have, you can't, you don't have a huge

00:16:49.889 --> 00:16:52.570
vocabulary yet. Yeah. You can't speak in full

00:16:52.570 --> 00:16:54.889
sentences, but I know you know how to say help,

00:16:54.929 --> 00:16:58.210
please. So I try to remind him, I'm like, okay,

00:16:58.269 --> 00:17:02.500
like if you need help. We don't mind. You have

00:17:02.500 --> 00:17:04.680
to ask. And then usually almost immediately goes,

00:17:04.799 --> 00:17:07.779
up a piece. I'm like, cutest thing in the world.

00:17:07.839 --> 00:17:10.039
Yes. And of course I can help you like get down

00:17:10.039 --> 00:17:13.400
or open that container or, you know, whatever

00:17:13.400 --> 00:17:17.559
it is. But like you, you need to know how to

00:17:17.559 --> 00:17:20.839
ask for help and how to fail and how to be uncomfortable

00:17:20.839 --> 00:17:24.099
with things sometimes. Cause again, you don't

00:17:24.099 --> 00:17:27.880
want to get too 18. Yeah. And go off to college

00:17:27.880 --> 00:17:30.160
or the real world or whatever that looks like

00:17:30.160 --> 00:17:33.160
for you at 18. And for the first time. Yeah.

00:17:33.240 --> 00:17:35.559
All of a sudden you're like, oh, I. I have to

00:17:35.559 --> 00:17:37.279
make decisions or. I have to make decisions.

00:17:37.380 --> 00:17:40.440
I am going to fail. I am going to get feedback.

00:17:40.759 --> 00:17:42.640
Yeah. I am, you know, going to experience all

00:17:42.640 --> 00:17:44.720
these things and experience them from the first

00:17:44.720 --> 00:17:47.079
time from someone who doesn't love you. Yeah.

00:17:47.160 --> 00:17:49.059
Because that I think is one of the big things

00:17:49.059 --> 00:17:52.539
is one of the things Stuart and I talked about,

00:17:52.619 --> 00:17:57.019
I think just like last week is. One, the whole

00:17:57.019 --> 00:17:58.839
concept of like, I never want my kids to hear

00:17:58.839 --> 00:18:00.400
the word no. It's like, well, they're going to.

00:18:00.900 --> 00:18:03.980
And I would rather them hear it from me who loves

00:18:03.980 --> 00:18:08.220
them more than anything first. Yep. Than someone

00:18:08.220 --> 00:18:11.000
who couldn't care less about them. Yeah. So that

00:18:11.000 --> 00:18:12.740
they know how to respond when that person who

00:18:12.740 --> 00:18:15.500
couldn't care less about them does say no. And

00:18:15.500 --> 00:18:17.779
then, because this was actually brought up at

00:18:17.779 --> 00:18:21.539
church a while ago about like kids. questioning

00:18:21.539 --> 00:18:23.599
their parents like if i asked you to do something

00:18:23.599 --> 00:18:26.619
how the kid is supposed to respond they're like

00:18:26.619 --> 00:18:28.500
a healthy way for their kid to respond and like

00:18:28.500 --> 00:18:30.700
it's not bad for kids to ask questions their

00:18:30.700 --> 00:18:34.380
parents it's like again as their parent i want

00:18:34.380 --> 00:18:36.740
what's in their best interest yeah you know and

00:18:36.740 --> 00:18:38.940
i'm doing everything i can to like for their

00:18:38.940 --> 00:18:41.220
best interest so when i ask them to do something

00:18:41.220 --> 00:18:43.579
that's the case there's gonna come a point in

00:18:43.579 --> 00:18:46.500
time when they're under an authority who does

00:18:46.500 --> 00:18:49.160
not have their best interests in mind at all

00:18:49.160 --> 00:18:52.740
and so I, for them, I want them to be able to

00:18:52.740 --> 00:18:55.279
like come to me and ask questions. Yeah. And

00:18:55.279 --> 00:18:57.779
know that they can. So that way when they're

00:18:57.779 --> 00:19:00.400
out in the real world and they have a crazy boss

00:19:00.400 --> 00:19:05.140
or whatever, they can approach that person with

00:19:05.140 --> 00:19:08.400
questions in a mature and healthy way. And so

00:19:08.400 --> 00:19:09.960
it's like that needs to start by them being able

00:19:09.960 --> 00:19:11.539
to be like, well, why do I have to clean my room?

00:19:11.680 --> 00:19:14.579
Yeah. You know, and me being able to guide them

00:19:14.579 --> 00:19:17.200
through that. Yeah. And all of this is like,

00:19:17.319 --> 00:19:19.890
yeah. discomfort happens in the real world yeah

00:19:19.890 --> 00:19:24.430
and you need to know how to respond and to approach

00:19:24.430 --> 00:19:27.589
it in a healthy mature way and right now you're

00:19:27.589 --> 00:19:30.750
not going to because you're a child but that's

00:19:30.750 --> 00:19:33.170
my job as a parent is to like allow that to happen

00:19:33.170 --> 00:19:35.670
and then help you through it yeah yeah that's

00:19:35.670 --> 00:19:38.710
so true i feel like a another generational thing

00:19:38.710 --> 00:19:42.029
that like we're kind of breaking the cycle of

00:19:42.029 --> 00:19:45.289
in this generation is um the response of because

00:19:45.289 --> 00:19:47.930
I said so I don't know if you had this growing

00:19:47.930 --> 00:19:50.150
up of like oh well why do I have to do that and

00:19:50.150 --> 00:19:52.509
the response was well because I said so yeah

00:19:52.509 --> 00:19:56.150
and I'm like okay well I guess yeah I guess that's

00:19:56.150 --> 00:19:58.109
true well and like I think one of the things

00:19:58.109 --> 00:20:00.650
I would say about like how I've tried to approach

00:20:00.650 --> 00:20:02.809
parenting and I don't do it well all the time

00:20:03.609 --> 00:20:06.390
But my goal is like, how does this set them up

00:20:06.390 --> 00:20:08.529
for being an adult? Because they're going to

00:20:08.529 --> 00:20:10.630
spend the majority of their life as an adult

00:20:10.630 --> 00:20:14.369
with not in my house. Yeah. And I think like

00:20:14.369 --> 00:20:16.869
historically, we've been really good at like

00:20:16.869 --> 00:20:20.329
raising good kids, but not setting them up for

00:20:20.329 --> 00:20:22.650
adulthood well. Or again, like with the questioning

00:20:22.650 --> 00:20:24.849
authority thing of like asking, why do I have

00:20:24.849 --> 00:20:27.329
to do that? If I have your best interests in

00:20:27.329 --> 00:20:29.950
mind and say, because I said so, it's because

00:20:29.950 --> 00:20:33.769
I love you. Yeah. But then like. you have someone

00:20:33.769 --> 00:20:36.410
who doesn't care about you and cares about their

00:20:36.410 --> 00:20:38.529
own interest saying because i said so and you're

00:20:38.529 --> 00:20:40.990
like well i'm i'm supposed to just abide to authority

00:20:40.990 --> 00:20:43.349
yeah then like that could put you in a really

00:20:43.349 --> 00:20:45.890
bad position whether that's for your you know

00:20:45.890 --> 00:20:49.549
your own like actual safety or you know you get

00:20:49.549 --> 00:20:52.049
blamed for something or whatever yeah like and

00:20:52.049 --> 00:20:53.930
i don't want my kids to be set up that way no

00:20:53.930 --> 00:20:58.480
no another thing like going back to the the pain

00:20:58.480 --> 00:21:02.339
situation. I love just the questions that she

00:21:02.339 --> 00:21:06.720
has us ask ourselves in order to identify if

00:21:06.720 --> 00:21:11.480
we need to step in. So first question is, is

00:21:11.480 --> 00:21:14.700
my child in physical danger? If yes, step in.

00:21:14.740 --> 00:21:17.799
If no, stand by. Is my child at risk of abuse

00:21:17.799 --> 00:21:20.759
or trauma? If yes, step in. If no, stand by.

00:21:20.859 --> 00:21:24.619
Is this pain helpful? If no, step in. If yes.

00:21:25.909 --> 00:21:28.490
And I'm like, that's so, like, that's such a

00:21:28.490 --> 00:21:32.589
good just overview to, like, to be able to ask

00:21:32.589 --> 00:21:37.269
yourself in a situation. Because, like, if your

00:21:37.269 --> 00:21:39.789
child, like, for example, in toddlerhood, like,

00:21:39.849 --> 00:21:43.150
my child is about to jump off the, I don't know,

00:21:43.190 --> 00:21:46.230
the windowsill. Yeah. Whatever they can call

00:21:46.230 --> 00:21:48.309
it. Yeah. I'm like, okay, yes, I'm going to,

00:21:48.309 --> 00:21:51.089
I'm probably going to step in because I know

00:21:51.089 --> 00:21:55.619
this is going to cause him. physical pain that

00:21:55.619 --> 00:21:59.480
i could help and like maybe beyond physical pain

00:21:59.480 --> 00:22:02.220
too you know like something serious yes yeah

00:22:02.220 --> 00:22:06.319
but like i don't know if he's trying to figure

00:22:06.319 --> 00:22:09.319
out how to put train tracks together he's really

00:22:09.319 --> 00:22:11.640
into train tracks right now put them together

00:22:11.640 --> 00:22:14.299
and he's frustrated and it's he's struggling

00:22:14.920 --> 00:22:17.140
That's not causing him physical pain. Right.

00:22:17.299 --> 00:22:19.700
It might be causing him to really think and like

00:22:19.700 --> 00:22:22.720
he might think he's in pain. I'm going to encourage

00:22:22.720 --> 00:22:25.099
him to try to figure it out. Obviously, like

00:22:25.099 --> 00:22:28.740
I want to help him, but there's a level of like

00:22:28.740 --> 00:22:31.220
let me stand back a little bit. So Lloyd has

00:22:31.220 --> 00:22:34.700
figured out how to climb up the high chair. Yes.

00:22:34.700 --> 00:22:36.660
So like he climbs it up like a ladder. Okay,

00:22:36.700 --> 00:22:39.519
yes. And he can get himself in the high chair

00:22:39.519 --> 00:22:43.759
that way. And yesterday he – wanted a toy that

00:22:43.759 --> 00:22:44.900
was on the floor and I was like well I'm not

00:22:44.900 --> 00:22:47.140
gonna hand it to you so if you want that toy

00:22:47.140 --> 00:22:51.200
like you have to get down and obviously like

00:22:51.200 --> 00:22:53.220
I was right there in case like something was

00:22:53.220 --> 00:22:54.900
gonna happen he was gonna start to fall or anything

00:22:54.900 --> 00:22:57.220
like that but it was really cool to watch him

00:22:57.220 --> 00:23:00.299
because he was like okay want my toy that's on

00:23:00.299 --> 00:23:02.680
the floor which means I have to get out and just

00:23:02.680 --> 00:23:05.079
like the wheels turning of like trying to figure

00:23:05.079 --> 00:23:06.779
out how he was gonna get down and get down safely

00:23:06.779 --> 00:23:08.500
without getting hurt yeah and then eventually

00:23:08.500 --> 00:23:10.759
he did like turn to me and like he was a little

00:23:10.759 --> 00:23:12.900
stressed I was like if you want help you have

00:23:12.900 --> 00:23:15.900
to ask that oh please like okay and so i like

00:23:15.900 --> 00:23:18.740
went over and honestly he just wanted the security

00:23:18.740 --> 00:23:20.759
of me behind him because then as soon as i was

00:23:20.759 --> 00:23:23.019
like behind him he figured it out himself see

00:23:23.019 --> 00:23:25.220
that's so good but it was like so cool to like

00:23:25.220 --> 00:23:28.259
see the thought process like you could i have

00:23:28.259 --> 00:23:30.680
a video but like you could see him figuring out

00:23:30.680 --> 00:23:33.099
like nope can't put my foot there like i have

00:23:33.099 --> 00:23:35.960
to hold on here and it was really cool and like

00:23:35.960 --> 00:23:39.920
so fun to be like oh You're figuring things out

00:23:39.920 --> 00:23:42.240
on your own. Yeah. And, like, obviously I'm here

00:23:42.240 --> 00:23:44.559
if, like, you need me. Like, I'm not going to

00:23:44.559 --> 00:23:46.579
let you be stranded, you know, even though you,

00:23:46.660 --> 00:23:48.799
you know, got yourself up there. I'm not going

00:23:48.799 --> 00:23:51.220
to strand you up there because that's what you

00:23:51.220 --> 00:23:54.059
did. But you also need to figure out how to do

00:23:54.059 --> 00:23:55.539
some of these things on your own in, like, a

00:23:55.539 --> 00:23:58.480
healthy, controlled way. For sure. Yeah, I feel

00:23:58.480 --> 00:24:00.500
like that's one thing, like, I'm fully working

00:24:00.500 --> 00:24:04.309
on right now as we're, like. full -on in toddlerhood

00:24:04.309 --> 00:24:07.089
of figuring like exploring figuring things out

00:24:07.089 --> 00:24:11.450
is like me stepping back and allowing him to

00:24:11.450 --> 00:24:16.150
figure it out because otherwise like i i like

00:24:16.150 --> 00:24:18.549
am so quick to jump in and just help to like

00:24:18.549 --> 00:24:22.809
to reach the end result really quickly like oh

00:24:22.809 --> 00:24:25.490
let me just pick you up really quick and put

00:24:25.490 --> 00:24:28.130
you in the high chair or take you out of it really

00:24:28.130 --> 00:24:32.470
quick so then We just get to whatever the end

00:24:32.470 --> 00:24:34.529
result is and you want to get to it. And I think

00:24:34.529 --> 00:24:38.250
that that's something that I'm like, I'm trying

00:24:38.250 --> 00:24:42.450
to allow that pain or that struggle to be a learning

00:24:42.450 --> 00:24:46.210
experience. That's so hard because for so long,

00:24:46.269 --> 00:24:49.930
you kind of have to do that kind of stuff. Right.

00:24:50.029 --> 00:24:53.220
Where it's like with an infant, they like. literally

00:24:53.220 --> 00:24:56.400
just don't know how to do things yet so then

00:24:56.400 --> 00:24:59.119
you start to get to this age where they have

00:24:59.119 --> 00:25:01.539
to figure things out on their own and you're

00:25:01.539 --> 00:25:04.740
just in the habit of like oh well I'm gonna I'm

00:25:04.740 --> 00:25:06.420
gonna give you this toy because you don't know

00:25:06.420 --> 00:25:09.180
how to reach it yet um so you're in that habit

00:25:09.180 --> 00:25:10.740
and then all of a sudden you have this kid who

00:25:10.740 --> 00:25:14.099
does need to have like a healthy amount of independence

00:25:14.099 --> 00:25:17.019
yeah and it's hard to let them have that yeah

00:25:17.019 --> 00:25:20.660
okay I kind of wanted to chat about too the she

00:25:20.660 --> 00:25:23.640
talks about like The truth about maternal anger.

00:25:24.259 --> 00:25:28.119
So, why are moms so afraid to admit that they

00:25:28.119 --> 00:25:31.619
get angry? What if we started viewing anger as

00:25:31.619 --> 00:25:33.859
a signal instead of, I guess we kind of already

00:25:33.859 --> 00:25:36.940
talked about like the triggers and. Yeah. We

00:25:36.940 --> 00:25:38.519
didn't talk specifically about anger though.

00:25:38.799 --> 00:25:40.839
Yeah. And we've talked before. We'll probably,

00:25:40.940 --> 00:25:43.480
I think we're planning to do like a mom rage

00:25:43.480 --> 00:25:45.519
episode at one point. That's kind of what I wanted

00:25:45.519 --> 00:25:48.680
to chat about really. So I guess we don't have

00:25:48.680 --> 00:25:50.799
to really get into it. Yeah. Let's talk about

00:25:50.799 --> 00:25:52.500
a little bit though. Yeah. I mean, she brings

00:25:52.500 --> 00:25:55.319
up that like anger isn't bad. It's our response

00:25:55.319 --> 00:25:59.809
to anger, which I think. is not like again that's

00:25:59.809 --> 00:26:02.049
a generational thing and I think it's not just

00:26:02.049 --> 00:26:04.730
a mom thing but a female thing too where it's

00:26:04.730 --> 00:26:08.329
like kind of like women don't get angry yeah

00:26:08.329 --> 00:26:11.890
and it's like no anger is a natural like it's

00:26:11.890 --> 00:26:14.690
an emotion and emotions are neutral it's response

00:26:14.690 --> 00:26:17.410
to emotions that are good or bad and trying to

00:26:17.410 --> 00:26:19.470
remember that of like I'm allowed to get angry

00:26:19.470 --> 00:26:21.750
or be upset because my kid poured all of his

00:26:22.859 --> 00:26:25.359
goldfish into the couch this morning yeah that

00:26:25.359 --> 00:26:27.559
happened well i'm already running on no sleep

00:26:27.559 --> 00:26:30.819
yeah um but yeah and then i think like one of

00:26:30.819 --> 00:26:34.059
the like triggers and guilts with that like i

00:26:34.059 --> 00:26:36.740
think i maybe mentioned this so we're recording

00:26:36.740 --> 00:26:38.759
this at the same time as we recorded last episode

00:26:38.759 --> 00:26:41.940
in case you listened that like last night from

00:26:41.940 --> 00:26:43.700
when we were recording this was like a rough

00:26:43.700 --> 00:26:47.940
night and you like get angry at your kid for

00:26:47.940 --> 00:26:52.319
being awake for being a natural for being an

00:26:52.319 --> 00:26:55.380
infant yeah and it's one of those things where

00:26:55.380 --> 00:26:58.400
you feel so guilty because you're like why am

00:26:58.400 --> 00:27:01.660
i mad at my kid for being awake right now it's

00:27:01.660 --> 00:27:04.180
like well because it's 2 a .m and i'm tired and

00:27:04.180 --> 00:27:07.180
i've gotten tired an hour and a half of sleep

00:27:07.180 --> 00:27:09.200
tonight because she keeps waking up and like

00:27:09.200 --> 00:27:12.799
that is a natural okay response i just need to

00:27:12.799 --> 00:27:15.819
be in control of that anger yeah yeah yeah yeah

00:27:15.819 --> 00:27:18.200
no i feel that for sure it's like i think it

00:27:18.779 --> 00:27:22.740
goes along with like the differentiation of like

00:27:22.740 --> 00:27:26.859
in those moments, like, no, I want to prioritize

00:27:26.859 --> 00:27:30.279
myself and my sleep. And it's like, it's just,

00:27:30.299 --> 00:27:34.599
and I'm so angry that I cannot do that. And I'm,

00:27:34.599 --> 00:27:37.519
I'm not necessarily angry at you, even though

00:27:37.519 --> 00:27:40.220
it comes off that way. But I think one of the

00:27:40.220 --> 00:27:42.799
things that's hard about, especially being a

00:27:42.799 --> 00:27:47.029
mom to littles is Like there are scenarios with

00:27:47.029 --> 00:27:51.529
Stuart where it's like, so for example, this

00:27:51.529 --> 00:27:54.250
past Thanksgiving, it was the first holiday we

00:27:54.250 --> 00:27:56.170
were going to host in our house. Like we bought

00:27:56.170 --> 00:27:58.470
a house last summer. Thanksgiving came around.

00:27:58.490 --> 00:28:00.150
We're like, we're going to host. We were so excited.

00:28:00.789 --> 00:28:04.089
And the night before Stuart got super, super

00:28:04.089 --> 00:28:08.769
sick. And he helped the best he could. But that

00:28:08.769 --> 00:28:11.130
meant that I was doing all the cooking. I mean,

00:28:11.150 --> 00:28:14.130
the family, people were bringing food. So, like,

00:28:14.190 --> 00:28:16.670
I wasn't even making the turkey. But all the

00:28:16.670 --> 00:28:18.829
cooking that we were responsible for, I was doing

00:28:18.829 --> 00:28:20.670
all of it. I was doing almost all of the cleaning.

00:28:21.009 --> 00:28:22.410
Like, there were things that weren't going to

00:28:22.410 --> 00:28:24.210
get done because I was like, I can't do this

00:28:24.210 --> 00:28:27.289
all on my own. And he was like, are you mad at

00:28:27.289 --> 00:28:29.529
me? I was like, well, I'm not mad that you got

00:28:29.529 --> 00:28:33.039
sick. Well, I'm mad that you got sick. I'm frustrated

00:28:33.039 --> 00:28:35.279
with the situation as a whole. I'm not mad at

00:28:35.279 --> 00:28:37.259
you. You're clearly miserable. You're clearly

00:28:37.259 --> 00:28:40.119
not faking this. That's not in your personality

00:28:40.119 --> 00:28:42.480
to fake this to get out of helping around the

00:28:42.480 --> 00:28:46.400
house. I'm not mad at you, but I am super frustrated

00:28:46.400 --> 00:28:48.299
with the situation because this isn't how I want

00:28:48.299 --> 00:28:51.059
it to go. And with him, he's an adult. He can

00:28:51.059 --> 00:28:54.440
comprehend that and I can communicate that with

00:28:54.440 --> 00:28:56.839
him. With your six -month -old, you can't be

00:28:56.839 --> 00:29:00.069
like, baby girl i'm so frustrated that i'm so

00:29:00.069 --> 00:29:02.029
tired right now and she's not gonna be like oh

00:29:02.029 --> 00:29:04.549
okay oh yeah okay thanks mom like you're right

00:29:04.549 --> 00:29:06.970
i should go back to sleep like that's not how

00:29:06.970 --> 00:29:09.029
that's gonna go down so i think that's one of

00:29:09.029 --> 00:29:11.589
the things that makes it really hard is you just

00:29:11.589 --> 00:29:13.890
like you can't communicate your feelings with

00:29:13.890 --> 00:29:16.690
this tiny little human because they don't understand

00:29:16.690 --> 00:29:20.289
yeah and so it's like yes i am angry not necessarily

00:29:20.289 --> 00:29:23.630
at you Just like at what's happening right now.

00:29:23.789 --> 00:29:26.930
At the situation. And you don't understand that.

00:29:27.130 --> 00:29:29.210
Yeah. And there's nothing I can do to communicate

00:29:29.210 --> 00:29:31.549
that to you right now. Yeah. Yeah. I think one

00:29:31.549 --> 00:29:33.950
of the hardest parts for me right now with our

00:29:33.950 --> 00:29:36.170
toddler, he just, I mean, he just turned two,

00:29:36.269 --> 00:29:39.890
is whenever I'm like, I'm clearly frustrated

00:29:39.890 --> 00:29:43.130
and I've told him to do something five times

00:29:43.130 --> 00:29:46.529
already and he laughs in my face. And I'm like,

00:29:46.549 --> 00:29:52.390
oh. oof I am so yeah yeah and in my head I'm

00:29:52.390 --> 00:29:54.890
like I don't know he's not fully understanding

00:29:54.890 --> 00:29:59.450
still he's learning he's he's testing like yeah

00:29:59.450 --> 00:30:02.130
he's testing my boundaries which again is healthy

00:30:02.130 --> 00:30:04.329
and appropriate for his age but it's really frustrating

00:30:04.329 --> 00:30:06.470
yeah it's really frustrating in the moment when

00:30:06.470 --> 00:30:11.170
I'm tired and I need him to do something and

00:30:11.170 --> 00:30:14.390
I just think that's it's it's funny when I'm

00:30:14.390 --> 00:30:17.220
not in the moment But yeah. Yeah. In the moment.

00:30:17.339 --> 00:30:21.259
Yeah. It's a lot. Yeah. So one of the things

00:30:21.259 --> 00:30:25.619
I want to talk about is how like she mentions

00:30:25.619 --> 00:30:29.200
how much mom friendships benefit our kids, which

00:30:29.200 --> 00:30:30.900
is something like I don't think I've ever thought

00:30:30.900 --> 00:30:34.680
about. I guess I think she quotes the study.

00:30:34.839 --> 00:30:37.940
I think she like references a study. I didn't

00:30:37.940 --> 00:30:41.160
write that part down. But saying that friendships

00:30:41.160 --> 00:30:43.740
are the relationships that make us happiest.

00:30:44.890 --> 00:30:47.049
Which I thought was super interesting. And I

00:30:47.049 --> 00:30:49.569
guess it like kind of makes sense. But, and we

00:30:49.569 --> 00:30:51.589
talked about this a little bit earlier, just

00:30:51.589 --> 00:30:54.390
how hard it is to like maintain friendships as

00:30:54.390 --> 00:30:58.349
a mom. Yes. And then making mom friends too,

00:30:58.509 --> 00:31:01.210
where she refers to it as friend dating. I was

00:31:01.210 --> 00:31:05.599
like, I hate that. I just like, I've had. really

00:31:05.599 --> 00:31:08.319
I've had great experience with this but I've

00:31:08.319 --> 00:31:10.759
also had like a negative experience with trying

00:31:10.759 --> 00:31:13.779
to make mom friends and it just turning really

00:31:13.779 --> 00:31:17.000
weird and so it makes me like that's like the

00:31:17.000 --> 00:31:19.859
last last taste in my mouth of it and it just

00:31:19.859 --> 00:31:22.740
like yeah I don't know it makes me not want to

00:31:22.740 --> 00:31:27.200
go out of my yeah I feel like make them yeah

00:31:27.200 --> 00:31:28.680
I feel like that's one of the things I have a

00:31:28.680 --> 00:31:31.990
hard time with too is like I do not have the

00:31:31.990 --> 00:31:34.230
natural, like, tendency to be, like, I'm going

00:31:34.230 --> 00:31:36.490
to reach out to people. Like, I'm pretty introverted,

00:31:36.529 --> 00:31:39.490
so I'm, like, I want my friends to, like, already

00:31:39.490 --> 00:31:42.589
exist. Yeah, yes. And I know that's not how friendships

00:31:42.589 --> 00:31:45.529
work, but that you don't just, like, meet someone

00:31:45.529 --> 00:31:47.589
and you're best friends. Like, even if you, like,

00:31:47.589 --> 00:31:49.509
automatically click, like, you still have time

00:31:49.509 --> 00:31:51.910
to, like, build that trust and that friendship.

00:31:52.410 --> 00:31:54.309
But then, like, there have been times when I'm,

00:31:54.309 --> 00:31:55.890
like, okay, like, I'm going to do it. I'm going

00:31:55.890 --> 00:31:58.809
to, like, reach out to this person or, like,

00:31:58.829 --> 00:32:02.119
go. you know, get out of my comfort zone. And

00:32:02.119 --> 00:32:04.579
then like, yeah, it gets kind of weird. And I'm

00:32:04.579 --> 00:32:07.599
like, did I make it weird? Yeah. Like, is this

00:32:07.599 --> 00:32:09.440
weird? Like, do they not like me? Was it just

00:32:09.440 --> 00:32:12.160
like a weird day? Yeah. Like, am I the weird

00:32:12.160 --> 00:32:14.240
one or are they the weird one? Yeah. Like, was

00:32:14.240 --> 00:32:16.319
it just a weird situation? Were we both tired?

00:32:16.400 --> 00:32:18.839
I don't know. But then, yeah, that makes you

00:32:18.839 --> 00:32:22.740
go like, oh, maybe, like, I don't want to try

00:32:22.740 --> 00:32:25.180
this again because this was awkward. Like, and

00:32:25.180 --> 00:32:26.920
then it's just easier for me to just stay at

00:32:26.920 --> 00:32:31.099
home. Yeah. Yeah. Figure it out on my own. Yeah.

00:32:31.180 --> 00:32:34.880
Oh, I feel it for sure. I know like this is a

00:32:34.880 --> 00:32:37.400
very convicting thing for me because like as

00:32:37.400 --> 00:32:39.980
a person who works in ministry, something that

00:32:39.980 --> 00:32:44.200
like I'm called to is to go like out of my way

00:32:44.200 --> 00:32:47.480
to make someone feel comfortable. And my husband

00:32:47.480 --> 00:32:49.420
works in youth ministry. So it's like that's

00:32:49.420 --> 00:32:51.779
a very common thing in youth ministry is like,

00:32:51.839 --> 00:32:55.579
oh, you you talk to the kids on the outside like

00:32:55.579 --> 00:32:58.690
that are feeling uncomfortable or. And I feel

00:32:58.690 --> 00:33:01.049
like I've gotten really good at that with kids.

00:33:01.609 --> 00:33:05.950
Not adults. Yeah, not adults. Yeah. And so I

00:33:05.950 --> 00:33:08.230
do feel like I'm supposed to be one to, like,

00:33:08.230 --> 00:33:12.170
reach out to moms that are maybe, like, I've

00:33:12.170 --> 00:33:14.769
talked to a few moms at, like, the park or, yeah.

00:33:14.829 --> 00:33:17.589
And in my head I'm like, oh, I know I'm supposed

00:33:17.589 --> 00:33:20.529
to, like, ask for her number to, like, see if

00:33:20.529 --> 00:33:22.809
they want to do this again. Or, like, our kids

00:33:22.809 --> 00:33:25.509
were having a great time playing. And I just

00:33:25.509 --> 00:33:28.930
haven't yet. Yeah. And I just. I feel like I

00:33:28.930 --> 00:33:32.170
need to, but it's so, yeah, it's hard. This is

00:33:32.170 --> 00:33:34.470
a skill, again, this is a skill Stuart has that

00:33:34.470 --> 00:33:37.470
I don't know, like, where this comes from, but

00:33:37.470 --> 00:33:39.990
so many times we'll just be out in the neighborhood

00:33:39.990 --> 00:33:42.230
and he'll be like, oh, hey, Tim, or whoever,

00:33:42.390 --> 00:33:45.250
and I'm like, you know that neighbor? Like, when

00:33:45.250 --> 00:33:48.490
did you meet them? Like, I'm home all the time

00:33:48.490 --> 00:33:50.569
and I don't know any of our, I know two of our

00:33:50.569 --> 00:33:53.910
neighbors. Yeah, yes. That's so funny. And then,

00:33:54.089 --> 00:33:56.849
yeah, like, we, he met one the other day, he

00:33:56.849 --> 00:34:00.240
told me, He's like, oh, I got his number. And

00:34:00.240 --> 00:34:02.279
then we saw that neighbor at Costco. The neighbor,

00:34:02.339 --> 00:34:04.259
like, came over and said hey to us. I was like,

00:34:04.339 --> 00:34:07.480
see, if the situation was reversed, or, like,

00:34:07.500 --> 00:34:09.340
even I was at the park with the kids and, like,

00:34:09.340 --> 00:34:11.760
tried to talk to that neighbor, would not have

00:34:11.760 --> 00:34:14.440
gone the same way at all. So I'm like, am I doing

00:34:14.440 --> 00:34:18.659
this wrong? I feel that for sure as far as, like,

00:34:18.780 --> 00:34:21.159
I don't know. Maybe it's just not my personality.

00:34:21.639 --> 00:34:24.179
I mean, there is, like, a level of that. Yeah.

00:34:24.860 --> 00:34:26.460
And so I'm, like, trying to find the balance

00:34:26.460 --> 00:34:28.099
for me with the, like, mom -friend thing of,

00:34:28.119 --> 00:34:30.500
like, allowing myself to get outside of my comfort

00:34:30.500 --> 00:34:31.840
zone. Because I think it is really used to be,

00:34:31.900 --> 00:34:33.920
like, that's not my personality. And that's not

00:34:33.920 --> 00:34:35.679
my skill set. So you just, like, write it off.

00:34:35.800 --> 00:34:38.679
Yeah. While at the same time being, like, okay,

00:34:38.800 --> 00:34:40.980
I need to get over, like, yeah, I need to let

00:34:40.980 --> 00:34:44.900
myself be outside of my comfort zone. Okay, one

00:34:44.900 --> 00:34:48.099
thing that she brought up, it was, like, kind

00:34:48.099 --> 00:34:51.340
of towards the end of just, like, creating. good

00:34:51.340 --> 00:34:54.260
habits. Have you, so she talks about the book

00:34:54.260 --> 00:34:56.800
Atomic Habits. Have you ever read that book?

00:34:57.000 --> 00:34:58.920
I haven't, but I liked, that was one of the things

00:34:58.920 --> 00:35:01.800
I wrote down is the power of 1 % better. Yes.

00:35:01.800 --> 00:35:04.380
I really like that. Yeah. So I read that book

00:35:04.380 --> 00:35:07.500
probably a couple of years ago and that book

00:35:07.500 --> 00:35:10.880
has, I mean, it's stuck with me for a long time.

00:35:10.900 --> 00:35:12.860
I just feel like it's a really powerful book

00:35:12.860 --> 00:35:16.179
for, it's technically like a Christian leadership

00:35:16.179 --> 00:35:19.730
book, but I feel like anybody could read it and

00:35:19.730 --> 00:35:22.030
it would have an impact on them. But yeah, the

00:35:22.030 --> 00:35:26.989
power of the 1 % of like trying to change slowly

00:35:26.989 --> 00:35:30.349
over time can make, I think they said if you

00:35:30.349 --> 00:35:33.550
change 1 % every day, it's like you, you're going

00:35:33.550 --> 00:35:37.590
to be 37 times better in like a year. Yeah. Yeah.

00:35:37.650 --> 00:35:39.889
Yeah. She quoted that, which I thought was super

00:35:39.889 --> 00:35:41.210
interesting. Cause you just don't think about

00:35:41.210 --> 00:35:45.010
it that way. No. And I think like, especially

00:35:45.010 --> 00:35:49.250
where we are culturally, it's like, we want immediate

00:35:49.250 --> 00:35:52.130
results to everything, right? We have Amazon

00:35:52.130 --> 00:35:55.070
Prime. I ordered something at like 10 p .m. last

00:35:55.070 --> 00:35:56.989
night and it was here before you got here this

00:35:56.989 --> 00:36:00.429
morning. Like that's just like the world we live

00:36:00.429 --> 00:36:05.150
in. Instant gratification. Exactly. And to a

00:36:05.150 --> 00:36:07.329
certain extent, I'm like, that's not bad for

00:36:07.329 --> 00:36:10.989
every single thing. No. But that being our overarching

00:36:10.989 --> 00:36:14.010
attitude towards life is like everything needs

00:36:14.010 --> 00:36:16.400
to be instant gratification. Yeah. is negative

00:36:16.400 --> 00:36:19.320
and it's also not realistic right you know it's

00:36:19.320 --> 00:36:23.539
like if you want to get healthy physically and

00:36:23.539 --> 00:36:26.059
you go on one walk like that's not going to change

00:36:26.059 --> 00:36:28.780
anything um you might like sleep better that

00:36:28.780 --> 00:36:32.019
night but that's about it um you know it's like

00:36:32.019 --> 00:36:35.059
it needs to be small and consistent yeah the

00:36:35.059 --> 00:36:38.119
consistency is key yeah i was reading she yeah

00:36:38.119 --> 00:36:40.820
she talked about like how they wanted to transform

00:36:40.820 --> 00:36:44.750
their their health lives and so she like she

00:36:44.750 --> 00:36:46.570
got rid of all the sugar in the house she like

00:36:46.570 --> 00:36:50.369
made them all work out she i forget what else

00:36:50.369 --> 00:36:53.969
but yeah all the things all at once and obviously

00:36:53.969 --> 00:36:56.150
like that's not gonna work no you don't want

00:36:56.150 --> 00:36:58.949
to stick with it and so i'm like i think michael

00:36:58.949 --> 00:37:00.969
and i are at this point in our lives we're like

00:37:00.969 --> 00:37:03.690
no we need to get healthier and how do we do

00:37:03.690 --> 00:37:06.769
that and i obviously in our head we're like well

00:37:06.769 --> 00:37:09.809
we need to work out more we need to eat healthier

00:37:09.809 --> 00:37:12.429
and i'm like Okay, after reading this, it reminded

00:37:12.429 --> 00:37:15.250
me, like, it needs to be a slow. Yeah. For it

00:37:15.250 --> 00:37:17.329
in order. It's like, okay, one meal a week, we're

00:37:17.329 --> 00:37:21.210
going to. Yep. For it to stick and become a habit,

00:37:21.449 --> 00:37:26.269
it needs to be something slow. So, like, I would

00:37:26.269 --> 00:37:28.750
not consider myself a crunchy mom. I would say,

00:37:28.789 --> 00:37:31.469
like, the online term of, like, scrunchy is probably

00:37:31.469 --> 00:37:33.710
closer. Yeah. Where it's like, listen, I'm still

00:37:33.710 --> 00:37:35.909
going to be drinking my Dr. Pepper most days

00:37:35.909 --> 00:37:38.760
of the week. Mm -hmm. But then I also make all

00:37:38.760 --> 00:37:40.460
of our own cleaning solutions because that's

00:37:40.460 --> 00:37:43.559
really important to me. And so obviously like

00:37:43.559 --> 00:37:45.739
I follow a lot of like those kinds of moms on

00:37:45.739 --> 00:37:49.179
Instagram. And there's one who I've grown to

00:37:49.179 --> 00:37:53.119
like love so much because of just like what her

00:37:53.119 --> 00:37:55.679
attitude is. And it's like, listen, you're not

00:37:55.679 --> 00:37:57.559
going to get it right all the time. There are

00:37:57.559 --> 00:38:00.099
going to be weeks where it's like 90 % doing

00:38:00.099 --> 00:38:03.599
everything great and 10 % not. You know, you're

00:38:03.599 --> 00:38:05.789
doing. quote -unquote toxic stuff or whatever

00:38:05.789 --> 00:38:08.050
and other weeks it's gonna be the opposite where

00:38:08.050 --> 00:38:10.389
it's like you're in survival mode for whatever

00:38:10.389 --> 00:38:15.829
reason and you you know the only non -toxic things

00:38:15.829 --> 00:38:18.650
you're doing is stuff you've already set up you

00:38:18.650 --> 00:38:20.409
know it's like the cleaning solution that's already

00:38:20.409 --> 00:38:22.130
in your house whatever yeah and the rest of the

00:38:22.130 --> 00:38:24.510
time it's like you have doritos and mcdonald's

00:38:24.510 --> 00:38:27.179
and yeah You know, whatever. Which honestly were

00:38:27.179 --> 00:38:29.519
some of the best memories for me as a child.

00:38:29.579 --> 00:38:32.360
Right. I'm like, when we had pizza night movie

00:38:32.360 --> 00:38:35.599
nights every single Friday. Yep. Like, I know

00:38:35.599 --> 00:38:37.739
that's not healthy, but like those are the best

00:38:37.739 --> 00:38:39.380
memories. But that's so fun. Yeah. But yeah.

00:38:39.420 --> 00:38:42.500
So when we go back to the like trying to improve

00:38:42.500 --> 00:38:44.260
your life and whatever that looks like, getting

00:38:44.260 --> 00:38:49.159
healthier, eliminating certain things, you know,

00:38:49.159 --> 00:38:50.679
whether that's like physically or mentally or

00:38:50.679 --> 00:38:53.900
anything like that, trying to focus like. Again,

00:38:53.960 --> 00:38:56.159
this influencer I follow, she was like, the goal

00:38:56.159 --> 00:38:58.460
should kind of be like 80 -20. And you're not

00:38:58.460 --> 00:39:00.179
going to nail that every day and every week.

00:39:00.579 --> 00:39:03.260
But like 80 % getting things right and 20 % like

00:39:03.260 --> 00:39:07.719
whatever. And like, again, slowly working towards

00:39:07.719 --> 00:39:13.579
that too. You know, like, okay. So I switched

00:39:13.579 --> 00:39:17.159
out the mascara I was using. That's all I did

00:39:17.159 --> 00:39:19.280
this week. Or, you know, or, like, again, this

00:39:19.280 --> 00:39:21.940
week we had a home -cooked meal that, like, I

00:39:21.940 --> 00:39:25.440
actually made everything from scratch. Or, you

00:39:25.440 --> 00:39:27.900
know, I made sure to drink water before my Dr.

00:39:28.079 --> 00:39:31.420
Pepper today. Just, like, the little things to

00:39:31.420 --> 00:39:33.739
then, again, not hold yourself to this everything

00:39:33.739 --> 00:39:37.440
has to be 100 all the time, but more of, like,

00:39:37.480 --> 00:39:39.360
hey. It's like a slow growth. It's a slow growth,

00:39:39.380 --> 00:39:43.400
and there's flexibility within it, and it allows

00:39:43.400 --> 00:39:46.820
room for. failure isn't even the right word yeah

00:39:46.820 --> 00:39:48.960
i mean that's like kind of it but it just like

00:39:48.960 --> 00:39:51.920
allows room for like not hitting your goals perfectly

00:39:51.920 --> 00:39:55.659
it's like grace yeah and grace into it yeah because

00:39:55.659 --> 00:39:58.119
i think it is really easy to be like this is

00:39:58.119 --> 00:40:01.480
our goal so we're going all in and i think the

00:40:01.480 --> 00:40:03.559
example she uses is a friend who like wanted

00:40:03.559 --> 00:40:06.719
to run a marathon and she was like Tried for

00:40:06.719 --> 00:40:09.099
years and then joined a, like, marathon training

00:40:09.099 --> 00:40:11.940
group. It was like, oh, I ran for, like, one

00:40:11.940 --> 00:40:14.079
minute the first day. Yeah. And then all of a

00:40:14.079 --> 00:40:16.679
sudden, 20 weeks later, however long it was,

00:40:16.880 --> 00:40:21.199
I was able to run a marathon. Yeah. Yeah, I think,

00:40:21.199 --> 00:40:23.480
like, thinking of our kids in this sense, like,

00:40:23.599 --> 00:40:27.579
she brings up the point of, like, a child who

00:40:27.579 --> 00:40:29.920
headbutts, which, like, is totally my child,

00:40:30.019 --> 00:40:34.679
who he has always been a big headbutter. and

00:40:34.679 --> 00:40:36.440
we're in a slapping phase that makes me feel

00:40:36.440 --> 00:40:39.780
better yeah but i think back of like six months

00:40:39.780 --> 00:40:43.659
ago i mean he was headbutting everything all

00:40:43.659 --> 00:40:48.920
of the time and now he still does it but there's

00:40:48.920 --> 00:40:52.099
been improvement right and it's been a slow improvement

00:40:52.099 --> 00:40:54.739
that i maybe can't see on the day -to -day but

00:40:54.739 --> 00:40:57.980
if i jump back to six months ago again i feel

00:40:57.980 --> 00:41:01.670
like a lot of these things We see in other areas

00:41:01.670 --> 00:41:03.750
of, like, specifically our kids' lives, right?

00:41:03.849 --> 00:41:06.469
Like, we don't expect our kids to go from crawling

00:41:06.469 --> 00:41:09.590
to running. We're so excited when they take that

00:41:09.590 --> 00:41:12.420
first step. We don't expect them to have full

00:41:12.420 --> 00:41:14.900
conversations right away. It's like, oh, you

00:41:14.900 --> 00:41:17.500
said a word. Now you're stringing two words together.

00:41:17.639 --> 00:41:20.699
Three words, that's so exciting. Yeah. But then

00:41:20.699 --> 00:41:22.199
with other things, it's like, well, why didn't

00:41:22.199 --> 00:41:24.719
he just stop headbutting? Yeah. You know? Yeah.

00:41:24.739 --> 00:41:26.400
And then we also hold ourselves to that standard

00:41:26.400 --> 00:41:29.539
of like, I went on one run, so why? Why can't

00:41:29.539 --> 00:41:32.460
I run a marathon now? Yeah. Yeah, exactly. Yeah,

00:41:32.579 --> 00:41:34.889
I just thought that was really... a good thing

00:41:34.889 --> 00:41:37.130
to kind of be brought back up into my life while

00:41:37.130 --> 00:41:39.469
I was reading this and super convicting of like,

00:41:39.590 --> 00:41:43.650
Oh, I need to bring this back into just my daily

00:41:43.650 --> 00:41:46.230
life of wanting to, I mean, especially improve

00:41:46.230 --> 00:41:50.110
my physical health and have it be like a slow

00:41:50.110 --> 00:41:52.969
growth. And so I, I haven't put into place what

00:41:52.969 --> 00:41:56.469
I want to do quite yet to like make that, you

00:41:56.469 --> 00:41:58.789
know, 1 % growth. Yeah. Well, one of the things

00:41:58.789 --> 00:42:01.030
she brought up, we didn't talk, I think we talked

00:42:01.030 --> 00:42:04.949
about it last episode. Um, with like mental health

00:42:04.949 --> 00:42:07.869
needs and she like mentions a few things and

00:42:07.869 --> 00:42:10.989
she's like just pick one that you're gonna do

00:42:10.989 --> 00:42:12.929
every day maybe it's a different one each day

00:42:12.929 --> 00:42:15.769
but like don't focus on all that once just pick

00:42:15.769 --> 00:42:18.809
one and I think like that attitude towards so

00:42:18.809 --> 00:42:20.750
many things is helpful like this is the thing

00:42:20.750 --> 00:42:23.030
I'm gonna focus on today whether that's like

00:42:23.030 --> 00:42:25.190
taking care of myself or even just being a mom

00:42:25.190 --> 00:42:28.409
of like I know that it was a couple months ago

00:42:28.409 --> 00:42:30.869
but we were having like a rough week and so finally

00:42:30.869 --> 00:42:32.949
I was like I'm not going to care if Floyd climbs

00:42:32.949 --> 00:42:34.989
on the table. That's the thing I'm letting go

00:42:34.989 --> 00:42:36.989
of. I'm going to focus on, like, obviously if

00:42:36.989 --> 00:42:38.769
he's, like, about to get hurt, then, like. Then,

00:42:38.769 --> 00:42:40.989
yeah. Then I'll intervene. But, like, I'm not

00:42:40.989 --> 00:42:42.510
going to yell at him and tell him to get down.

00:42:42.630 --> 00:42:45.130
And we're just going to focus on, like, different

00:42:45.130 --> 00:42:48.789
priorities today. And we quit so much better

00:42:48.789 --> 00:42:50.969
after I just, like, made that decision. And,

00:42:51.010 --> 00:42:52.389
like, he's not supposed to climb on the table.

00:42:52.880 --> 00:42:54.360
But it was just that was the thing I was letting

00:42:54.360 --> 00:42:56.780
go. And so, like, yeah, trying to find the thing

00:42:56.780 --> 00:42:58.219
that's, like, this is what I'm going to focus

00:42:58.219 --> 00:43:00.139
on or not focus on right now. It's like picking

00:43:00.139 --> 00:43:03.579
your battles. Yeah, both, like, to help yourself

00:43:03.579 --> 00:43:05.820
and then also, like, as a mom parenting your

00:43:05.820 --> 00:43:08.340
kids. I can totally relate with the climbing

00:43:08.340 --> 00:43:11.360
on the table thing, especially. Like, okay, you

00:43:11.360 --> 00:43:13.579
know what? Whatever. It's fine. It's going to

00:43:13.579 --> 00:43:16.619
happen sometimes. Yeah. Yep. As long as you're

00:43:16.619 --> 00:43:19.639
not about to throw my vase of flowers off the...

00:43:20.039 --> 00:43:22.739
yeah the table then we have to you can sit there

00:43:22.739 --> 00:43:26.239
and smell them yeah no that works that's fine

00:43:26.239 --> 00:43:29.320
okay was there anything else you wanted to chat

00:43:29.320 --> 00:43:32.809
about with the one of the things that I wrote

00:43:32.809 --> 00:43:36.710
down kind of going back to like the friends thing.

00:43:37.110 --> 00:43:39.469
And she talks about honoring your priorities

00:43:39.469 --> 00:43:42.809
with friendships. Like some people just like

00:43:42.809 --> 00:43:44.949
you're not meant to be friends with, which is

00:43:44.949 --> 00:43:47.590
like kind of nice. Like I logically know that,

00:43:47.630 --> 00:43:50.429
but it's kind of nice to let that go. And the

00:43:50.429 --> 00:43:53.090
way also I put it, so we've both worked with

00:43:53.090 --> 00:43:55.070
students, like high school students for years.

00:43:55.230 --> 00:43:57.250
And one of the things I would always tell my

00:43:57.250 --> 00:44:00.590
students is. It's okay to categorize your friends.

00:44:00.690 --> 00:44:02.730
Like maybe don't tell them that. That's kind

00:44:02.730 --> 00:44:04.789
of weird. But like you can have the friends that

00:44:04.789 --> 00:44:07.150
you're like, these are the people I go to for

00:44:07.150 --> 00:44:10.349
like life advice. Like my marriage is struggling.

00:44:10.449 --> 00:44:12.949
I'm struggling as a mom, whatever. Like we're

00:44:12.949 --> 00:44:15.789
making this huge life decision. I need advice

00:44:15.789 --> 00:44:17.929
or I need someone to talk to. It's also okay

00:44:17.929 --> 00:44:19.530
to have the friends that's like, they're just

00:44:19.530 --> 00:44:21.710
kind of a good time. You know, I have a couple

00:44:21.710 --> 00:44:23.210
of friends like that that I'm like, listen, I

00:44:23.210 --> 00:44:25.090
would never ask that. Like I see how their life

00:44:25.090 --> 00:44:28.179
is. I don't particularly want their advice. But

00:44:28.179 --> 00:44:30.480
if I'm like, I just want to like go have fun

00:44:30.480 --> 00:44:32.519
tonight and like go get drinks or something like

00:44:32.519 --> 00:44:34.739
that, I know they're going to be so much fun

00:44:34.739 --> 00:44:37.300
to go with. Yeah. Yep. So it's kind of like a

00:44:37.300 --> 00:44:40.059
random like jump back. Yeah, that is good. But

00:44:40.059 --> 00:44:42.360
that was something that like with the whole like

00:44:42.360 --> 00:44:44.440
honoring your priorities of like what's important

00:44:44.440 --> 00:44:48.280
with your friendships or like as a mom, you know,

00:44:48.280 --> 00:44:51.360
if you have a friend who's like ragging on you

00:44:51.360 --> 00:44:54.019
for your priorities or whatever, like maybe take

00:44:54.019 --> 00:44:56.780
a step back. Yeah. But it's okay to not. We'll

00:44:56.780 --> 00:44:58.840
go on to that. We also don't have time for that,

00:44:58.920 --> 00:45:01.320
I feel like. For sure. I mean, I for sure don't.

00:45:01.840 --> 00:45:04.380
Yeah. I think the last, like, the kind of, like,

00:45:04.420 --> 00:45:07.639
closing things that I had were your kids need

00:45:07.639 --> 00:45:11.300
you emotionally healthy and kids need a happy

00:45:11.300 --> 00:45:13.679
mom or they need a clean house and a home -cooked

00:45:13.679 --> 00:45:15.679
meal. Yeah. Which I think, like, that's super

00:45:15.679 --> 00:45:18.260
convicting for me because I'm like, I feel like

00:45:18.260 --> 00:45:20.739
I need to cook every single meal or, like, it

00:45:20.739 --> 00:45:23.059
shouldn't be, you know, something I can just

00:45:23.059 --> 00:45:25.130
throw in the oven and make and... you know and

00:45:25.130 --> 00:45:28.349
not have to worry about i feel yeah i feel i

00:45:28.349 --> 00:45:30.809
feel mostly with like the clean house thing i

00:45:30.809 --> 00:45:32.869
feel like a lot of the times i like just find

00:45:32.869 --> 00:45:35.590
myself like oh if i have a moment i'm like picking

00:45:35.590 --> 00:45:38.670
up the toys or i don't know trying to get the

00:45:38.670 --> 00:45:41.670
dishes done and like instead of like sitting

00:45:41.670 --> 00:45:44.250
down and playing with trains with my kid yeah

00:45:44.250 --> 00:45:47.130
and and again it's one of those things that stuff

00:45:47.130 --> 00:45:49.130
like these things like especially stuff like

00:45:49.130 --> 00:45:51.329
dishes you're like this is like a sanitation

00:45:51.329 --> 00:45:54.070
thing that our house needs yeah But when do I

00:45:54.070 --> 00:45:56.949
prioritize and when do I not? For sure. And then

00:45:56.949 --> 00:45:59.510
I just had like a couple of quotes that I feel

00:45:59.510 --> 00:46:02.230
like are good to like wrap things up with. I

00:46:02.230 --> 00:46:06.230
have, I guess like three. So the first one is

00:46:06.230 --> 00:46:08.750
great moms make mistakes. Great moms lose their

00:46:08.750 --> 00:46:11.070
tempers. Great moms need a break. Great moms

00:46:11.070 --> 00:46:13.320
are exhausted. Great moms invest in themselves.

00:46:13.679 --> 00:46:15.760
Great moms are always learning. Great moms are

00:46:15.760 --> 00:46:18.780
always growing. Great moms learn that emotional

00:46:18.780 --> 00:46:21.739
health is the greatest gift they can give their

00:46:21.739 --> 00:46:24.559
kids. Yeah, that's good. Hand in hand with that,

00:46:24.659 --> 00:46:27.960
she says, you are on the right track. You are

00:46:27.960 --> 00:46:30.219
arming yourself with wisdom. You have a unique

00:46:30.219 --> 00:46:32.800
superpower. You were chosen by God to be a mother.

00:46:33.059 --> 00:46:35.219
You are discovering how to honor your needs.

00:46:35.360 --> 00:46:38.559
You are learning. New confidence in your motherhood

00:46:38.559 --> 00:46:40.980
and you're investing in yourself. You are a great

00:46:40.980 --> 00:46:45.139
mom. Well done. And then the last one that I

00:46:45.139 --> 00:46:48.559
had underlined is mom guilt makes you lie to

00:46:48.559 --> 00:46:51.659
yourself. And the only way to fight a lie is

00:46:51.659 --> 00:46:55.119
with the truth. You kill mom guilt by fighting

00:46:55.119 --> 00:46:57.519
back with truth, evidence, facts. God chose you

00:46:57.519 --> 00:47:00.079
to be a mom and mom guilt doesn't come from him.

00:47:00.599 --> 00:47:03.400
Which I mean, those are all things that I'm like.

00:47:03.789 --> 00:47:05.570
Maybe I should just, like, get them tattooed

00:47:05.570 --> 00:47:08.909
on my forehead to remind myself all the time.

00:47:09.010 --> 00:47:11.010
Have Stuart recite them to you every morning.

00:47:11.230 --> 00:47:13.510
Yeah, no, I feel like there was one part in the

00:47:13.510 --> 00:47:16.329
book she was like, you know you're a good mom

00:47:16.329 --> 00:47:19.849
because you're reading this book. Like, if you're

00:47:19.849 --> 00:47:21.789
investing in yourself as a mom and trying to

00:47:21.789 --> 00:47:24.409
learn, like, I think you're a better mom than

00:47:24.409 --> 00:47:26.329
you think you are. Yeah, I think that's one of

00:47:26.329 --> 00:47:28.309
the things that, like, I've had to, like, remind

00:47:28.309 --> 00:47:31.309
myself as a mom is, like, If I feel guilty about

00:47:31.309 --> 00:47:34.250
something, that means I'm, like, truly bad moms

00:47:34.250 --> 00:47:38.510
don't feel guilty. And, you know, again, I'm

00:47:38.510 --> 00:47:40.630
talking about, like, the extremes, like, abusive

00:47:40.630 --> 00:47:44.590
mothers. Yes. The moms who are good moms, like,

00:47:44.710 --> 00:47:48.489
care that they mess their kids up. Yeah. And

00:47:48.489 --> 00:47:51.349
so, like, in and of that, of just, like, feeling

00:47:51.349 --> 00:47:52.789
guilt. Like, you need to get the guilt under

00:47:52.789 --> 00:47:56.030
control. But just, like, caring about that means

00:47:56.030 --> 00:47:58.849
you're a good mom. Yeah. You're a good mom. Well.

00:47:59.309 --> 00:48:02.280
Hopefully this... Kind of encouraged you in a

00:48:02.280 --> 00:48:04.940
sense. I would recommend the book. Would you?

00:48:05.079 --> 00:48:07.900
Oh, absolutely. I feel like every page I was

00:48:07.900 --> 00:48:10.940
like, ooh. Yeah, I think when we decided to read

00:48:10.940 --> 00:48:13.039
it, I texted you like two hours later. I was

00:48:13.039 --> 00:48:14.239
like, I'm already crying. I'm already crying.

00:48:14.300 --> 00:48:17.099
I've cried four times. I'm only one chapter in

00:48:17.099 --> 00:48:20.699
and it really is so good. I would recommend checking

00:48:20.699 --> 00:48:22.800
it out. It's called Remaining You While Raising

00:48:22.800 --> 00:48:25.659
Them. And let us know what you think of it because

00:48:25.659 --> 00:48:28.420
we really enjoyed it. Let us also know what you

00:48:28.420 --> 00:48:30.199
think of like this style of podcast. podcast

00:48:30.199 --> 00:48:32.900
and yeah we've got another book in mind we want

00:48:32.900 --> 00:48:38.199
to go over so yeah let us know and hope you feel

00:48:38.199 --> 00:48:41.280
encouraged in some sense by this yeah definitely

00:48:41.280 --> 00:48:44.780
all right uh do you want to jump into your mom

00:48:44.780 --> 00:48:49.460
when i would love to um okay so i don't think

00:48:49.460 --> 00:48:51.920
i've talked about this before i hope not maybe

00:48:51.920 --> 00:48:55.250
i did maybe this is Off mic, I don't know. But

00:48:55.250 --> 00:48:58.650
one of my wins, so I've found with Colt that

00:48:58.650 --> 00:49:03.030
using a timer with him is like actually really

00:49:03.030 --> 00:49:06.489
works for him. So last night I was, Michael was

00:49:06.489 --> 00:49:09.969
at work, and so I knew like I was going to do

00:49:09.969 --> 00:49:14.230
bedtime on my own. And so we were playing outside.

00:49:14.309 --> 00:49:18.789
It was super nice outside. Our planter bed like

00:49:18.789 --> 00:49:22.110
fell through. I saw that. So sad. Okay, cruisy.

00:49:22.710 --> 00:49:24.650
planter bed fell through and so colt was just

00:49:24.650 --> 00:49:27.269
like digging in the soil and i was like oh no

00:49:27.269 --> 00:49:31.510
we're gonna need a shower for sure um and so

00:49:31.510 --> 00:49:33.949
i like told him i was like okay colt do you want

00:49:34.460 --> 00:49:38.139
two or three more minutes to play. And he, he,

00:49:38.239 --> 00:49:40.539
it's funny. He always picks two, which I'm like,

00:49:40.539 --> 00:49:43.760
if only I knew that three was more. We're like,

00:49:43.880 --> 00:49:46.199
I'm not mad. No, I'm like, okay, buddy, you can

00:49:46.199 --> 00:49:48.480
have two minutes. So then I set a timer on my

00:49:48.480 --> 00:49:51.679
phone and when the timer goes off, I allow him

00:49:51.679 --> 00:49:54.920
one time to ask for more time. And he, so this

00:49:54.920 --> 00:49:57.280
time he went, he went more, please, more, please.

00:49:57.380 --> 00:49:59.099
And I said, okay, buddy, you can have two more

00:49:59.099 --> 00:50:00.659
minutes. And then that's it. Then we're going

00:50:00.659 --> 00:50:03.199
inside to take a shower. And so the timer went

00:50:03.199 --> 00:50:05.920
off and immediately he put down his toys. We

00:50:05.920 --> 00:50:07.679
walked inside and I said, okay, buddy, we're

00:50:07.679 --> 00:50:09.440
going up to take a shower. He immediately goes

00:50:09.440 --> 00:50:12.460
up to take a shower. We get in the shower. One

00:50:12.460 --> 00:50:14.400
thing he loves doing right now in the shower,

00:50:14.460 --> 00:50:16.460
he sits down and he plays with his garden tools.

00:50:17.199 --> 00:50:19.420
Great. Yeah. I'm like, great. That's fine. I

00:50:19.420 --> 00:50:21.599
can like rinse you and stuff while you're playing

00:50:21.599 --> 00:50:23.679
with your tools. And he like didn't want to get

00:50:23.679 --> 00:50:25.380
out. And so I was like, okay, buddy, do you want

00:50:25.380 --> 00:50:27.420
two or three more minutes in the shower? He goes.

00:50:27.849 --> 00:50:30.570
two please and i said okay buddy you can have

00:50:30.570 --> 00:50:32.869
two more minutes right when the timer went off

00:50:32.869 --> 00:50:35.050
he didn't even ask for more time this time he

00:50:35.050 --> 00:50:37.309
said all done and i turned off the shower he

00:50:37.309 --> 00:50:40.230
got out and i was like did i just did i just

00:50:40.230 --> 00:50:43.170
master motherhood yeah yeah i don't think there's

00:50:43.170 --> 00:50:45.170
anything else you can learn no you've done it

00:50:45.170 --> 00:50:49.030
yeah so i just like in those last night i felt

00:50:49.030 --> 00:50:52.510
like a i felt like a BA. I was like, that's so

00:50:52.510 --> 00:50:53.909
great. I'm such a BA mom. Maybe we'll have to

00:50:53.909 --> 00:50:56.070
start doing timers with Lloyd. It like, for some

00:50:56.070 --> 00:50:58.750
reason, so I used to work with kids with autism

00:50:58.750 --> 00:51:00.429
and behavior therapy, and that was something

00:51:00.429 --> 00:51:02.690
like we implemented into their therapy sessions.

00:51:03.409 --> 00:51:05.449
And I like remembered that a couple of weeks

00:51:05.449 --> 00:51:06.949
ago and I was like, you know what? I'm going

00:51:06.949 --> 00:51:09.860
to try that. with cold do you just use the timer

00:51:09.860 --> 00:51:12.320
on your phone yeah because i know and i like

00:51:12.320 --> 00:51:14.539
have one saved but i felt like he was doing they

00:51:14.539 --> 00:51:18.159
have those timers that have like a visual representation

00:51:18.159 --> 00:51:21.579
because kids don't really understand like what

00:51:21.579 --> 00:51:24.719
the hell what is time yeah um whereas like if

00:51:24.719 --> 00:51:27.400
they can see like okay once it hits like the

00:51:27.400 --> 00:51:29.739
blue then we're going inside or whatever yeah

00:51:29.739 --> 00:51:31.739
they like understand that a little bit better

00:51:31.739 --> 00:51:35.389
yeah no i've just used it on my And sometimes

00:51:35.389 --> 00:51:37.130
I'll, like, tell him. I'll be like, oh, there's

00:51:37.130 --> 00:51:38.809
one minute left. I'm like, okay, buddy, like,

00:51:38.889 --> 00:51:41.889
you're almost out of time. And so I'll, like,

00:51:41.889 --> 00:51:45.130
remind him of that. But, yeah, when I tried it,

00:51:45.250 --> 00:51:48.289
like, obviously it doesn't work every time. But

00:51:48.289 --> 00:51:50.730
last night it just, I don't know, something about

00:51:50.730 --> 00:51:53.070
it worked. That's so great. I felt really great.

00:51:53.289 --> 00:51:56.309
And it just. And there's less of a battle. Yeah,

00:51:56.309 --> 00:51:58.690
there wasn't a tantrum trying to get into the

00:51:58.690 --> 00:52:01.130
shower and be done playing outside. It just,

00:52:01.210 --> 00:52:04.949
like, it worked. And so. I don't know. Recommendation

00:52:04.949 --> 00:52:07.530
for moms in the thick of it. And definitely give

00:52:07.530 --> 00:52:09.570
that a try. Yeah. What's your win? All right.

00:52:09.590 --> 00:52:12.829
My win is, so Lloyd got the opportunity to meet

00:52:12.829 --> 00:52:18.070
a horse last night. And he was really nervous

00:52:18.070 --> 00:52:21.949
at first, which is fair. it's a giant scary yeah

00:52:21.949 --> 00:52:24.750
yeah the funny thing i've only seen large animals

00:52:24.750 --> 00:52:27.269
like this at the zoo and you're not allowed to

00:52:27.269 --> 00:52:29.750
pet those no so he got to pet this horse's nose

00:52:29.750 --> 00:52:35.079
and he was just like so gentle and so sweet And

00:52:35.079 --> 00:52:37.820
clearly, like, in awe of this animal. Like, he

00:52:37.820 --> 00:52:40.440
was so excited. And then we, like, set him down

00:52:40.440 --> 00:52:42.679
and he immediately just, like, ran back over

00:52:42.679 --> 00:52:44.960
because he wanted to, like, see this horse. And

00:52:44.960 --> 00:52:46.960
it was just super cute. That's cute. I mean,

00:52:46.960 --> 00:52:48.820
I know he's in an age where, like, animals are

00:52:48.820 --> 00:52:51.500
all the rage to begin with. Yeah. But it was,

00:52:51.619 --> 00:52:53.519
it's just, like, super fun to, like, see that

00:52:53.519 --> 00:52:56.139
and see his interest. And, again, just that he

00:52:56.139 --> 00:52:58.099
was, like, so sweet. Because that was, like,

00:52:58.139 --> 00:53:01.150
kind of my concern. Yeah. It's, like. He doesn't

00:53:01.150 --> 00:53:03.030
always know. He's two. He doesn't always know

00:53:03.030 --> 00:53:05.469
how to pet nicely. No. And he doesn't always

00:53:05.469 --> 00:53:08.349
pet our cats nicely. Yeah. We have two cats in

00:53:08.349 --> 00:53:10.829
red. Our boy cat, he'll just run away. And Ricky,

00:53:10.969 --> 00:53:13.489
our girl cat, will put up with anything from

00:53:13.489 --> 00:53:16.289
him. So I was like. This could go really badly

00:53:16.289 --> 00:53:19.510
where he, like, smacks this wild horse in the

00:53:19.510 --> 00:53:22.610
nose. And then they're like, Erica, you can never

00:53:22.610 --> 00:53:24.769
come back. And we're like, Julie noted. Yeah,

00:53:24.789 --> 00:53:27.650
right. But, no, he was just, like, so sweet and

00:53:27.650 --> 00:53:29.530
so excited to see the horse and, like, got to

00:53:29.530 --> 00:53:31.989
pet his nose and her nose. And it was super,

00:53:32.050 --> 00:53:35.469
super cute. That's so cute. Well, thanks for

00:53:35.469 --> 00:53:39.010
tuning in. Hope you guys enjoyed us going over

00:53:39.010 --> 00:53:41.610
this book. And, yeah, let us know what you think

00:53:41.610 --> 00:53:44.960
on social media. Follow us at nomanual. Podcast

00:53:44.960 --> 00:53:48.800
and tune in next week. We'll see you next week.

00:53:48.860 --> 00:53:49.139
See ya.