Hi, everyone. Welcome back to No Manual and MomCast,
where this is a place for moms to relate and
talk about the realities of motherhood, the hard,
the good, the bad, the ugly. If you tuned in
last week, we talked about part one of the book
that Erica and I read together called Remaining
You While Raising Them. And today is... part
two where we're going to chat about that. So
before we start talking about it, let's hop into
our mom moments of the week. Do you want to start
with yours? Yeah, I'll get started. So I've been
pretty lucky and right now we're in a phase where
both kids are napping in the nursery and I usually
have one nap a day that they're napping at the
same time in the nursery. Usually not for the
whole time. So like Lloyd has a longer nap. Zeta
still has shorter naps. Yeah, so usually there's
like one nap a day where I've got like an hour.
Both kids are asleep. That's nice. In the nursery,
I can like get some work done, all that. Yesterday,
not how that went down. Yeah. And it was a day
where I was like busy at work. Things were crazy,
like just constant like pings and things you
have to take care of. Super fun. And it was like.
Got Zeta down. She slept for maybe 20 minutes,
probably not even that long. Lloyd never fell
asleep. Well, he fell asleep after probably an
hour or more of being in his crib. Yeah, and
it was just crazy. It was just all around a great
time. Yeah, and then by the time Zeta was, like,
tired enough that I could get her to go down
for a nap. It was time to get Lloyd up. And it
was just, it was one of those days. It was a
super fun time. Yeah. When Stuart got home, I
was like, I think I had maybe 15 minutes to do
anything today. And work was crazy. So I like
had to figure out how to get stuff done. Because
there are days when it's like, you can make it
work because there's less happening or whatever.
But it was not one of those days. Gosh, that's
so hard. It was rough for sure. Yeah. Work from
home life. We talked about that a couple of weeks
ago and oof, gosh. Okay. Um, my mom moment. So
we live in a rental right now, which like has
its pros and cons for sure. One thing about our
house that has one bathtub. Um, so we have three
bathrooms, but only one bathtub and the bathtub
broke. So really it was just like the handle
just fell. completely off and for a while like
we knew that this was gonna happen because for
a while like when you turn the handle it's like
you can't tell if you're getting hot or cold
water because it's like not lining up correctly
um and so we knew like something was wrong and
then I like went to start a bath for the boys
and um it just like broke off and so with Colt
I'm like okay let's just hop in the shower buddy
We make it work. For Cruz, it's, like, not that
simple. And so this is, like, hard to admit,
but Cruz didn't get a bath for, like, probably,
I don't know, eight days -ish. He's little. He's
young. We did some wipe downs. No. I did literally,
like, a sponge bath for him where I got, like,
a bowl of warm water and, like, a washcloth and
wiped him down one day. But we finally fixed
it, like, two days ago. Cruz got his first bath
in a while and I felt like a better mom but it's
like I don't know baths in itself are like just
a lot of work for me and then whenever it's like
your routine gets thrown off and yeah Stuart
handles all the baths like I'll help get the
kids ready and then he does actual bath time
and it's so nice that's great that's great yeah
I am the one who usually does baths only because
Colt like really wants me to do it. He's in that
phase of like, no, mommy, everything does everything.
And so I like get Colt bathed. Then we get him
to bed. Then I usually give Cruz a bath after
that, after Colt goes to bed. But it's like,
man, broken bathtub. It's like a super simple
fix too. We didn't even have to buy another part
or anything. It just was like daunting. And even
just like having an extra step. things that need
to get done sometimes is way too much yeah exactly
so yeah that's my mom moment yes okay yeah okay
so picking up on this book on remaining you while
raising them if you haven't listened to last
our last episode we talked quite a bit We, I
think we had planned on like kind of going in
order of chapters and we haven't done that at
all. Yeah, not at all. So just kind of things
we liked. Yeah. So we jumped around, but go back
to last week and listen to that episode. But
kind of picking up. So one of the things that
she brings up that I think is so good is mom
triggers. And some of the things she brought
up of like what mom triggers are like. grandparents
can say things, your husband can say things.
And again, it's like friends and social media.
Like one of her examples that I've realized I
think is more triggering to me than I like maybe
give it credit for is grandparents. And here's
the thing. Both my parents and my in -laws are
great and they're super supportive. Every once
in a while, there's comments like, I don't understand
this. And it's never ill -intended. You know,
it's always just like, this isn't how we did
things when I was raising kids 30 years ago.
It is how you're doing things now. And I don't
understand it, but there've been a couple of
things that it's like, it comes up regularly.
So it, to me, it feels like, oh, so you're, you're,
you don't trust my judgment, you know? And I
know with a hundred percent certainty, that's
not what they're saying. It is just a genuine,
like, that's not, why do you, it's like, why
do you do that? Right. And like it, again, I,
I know it comes from like a place of like either
genuine curiosity or genuinely like. Just trying
to understand. I don't get it. Like again, things
have changed in 30 years. So. Like the whole
concept of, yeah, like they used to put babies
on their bellies to sleep. Yeah. And now it's
like standard to put them on their back. That's
one of the big ones is sleep sex. Like I don't
get sleep sex. Like why don't we just do blankets
anymore? Yeah. Again, I get that that was not
a recommendation when we were born and when we
were growing up. And I know that when comments
are made about that, it's not like, well, why
are you making this decision? Yeah, it's not
a judgy thing. But then, like, that is how it
translates in my brain. And I have to, like,
consciously be like, that's not what they're
saying. Like, it's just a genuine, like, I don't
get it. You know, and there are plenty of things
that, like, I'm sure when our kids have kids,
I'll be doing the same thing. We used sleep sacks
when you were a kid. Now you're not. I don't
get it. You know, and, like, that will be the
intention. But, yeah, so I realized, like, I
would never, I don't think I would have called
it triggering before, but reading this, I'm like,
oh, yeah, like, I feel like I'm being judged,
even though that's not the, and I know that for
a lot of other people, like, it is actually coming
from a place of judgment. For sure. Yeah, and
that's, like, a trigger that, like, I have to
keep under control. And then the other one she
mentioned is. husbands or like partners and the
example she gave is when your husband comes home
and says so what do you do all day yeah and like
again Stuart doesn't usually say it like that
but there is this level of like it's Again, a
genuine curiosity of like, what did your day
look like? Oh, you're saying I didn't do anything?
Yeah, exactly. And that's how it like translates
into your brain. Do you have like some mom triggers
like that? For sure that one of like, oh, I've
been here raising the kids all day, you know.
Making sure your children are alive. Yeah. And
so I think like going along with that, like my
husband, oh my gosh, he's such a great dad. If
he does something different, then. the way I
do it yes then that is a huge trigger for me
of like oh like so you don't think I do it a
good way or you don't trust like that I my decisions
yeah my decisions and I think that's a big trigger
for me and yep I can relate I can relate to the
grandparent one I know like we have great great
grandparents for our kids and I think that um
Yeah, it's just, like, it's out of genuine curiosity
that they're, like, asking these questions. And
it's totally, like, my internal. Yeah, it has
little to nothing to do. You know, maybe there's,
like, a little bit of a sense of judgment. But
you know that's not the intention. No, not at
all. Yeah. Yeah, it's all internal. Like, oh.
Yeah. Again, like, if someone asks what you did
all day, you're like, oh. So you think I did
nothing. Yeah. Here, let me tell you. I did four
loads of laundry. I kept the kids alive. I fed
them. I also got all of my work emails done.
And I only cried once. And I only cried once.
And we are here. And what did you do all day?
Yes. Give me the details. Yeah. Yeah. Do you
think you have any other like things that trigger
you in that way? I mean, social media is always
a big trigger for me of like. I honestly should
probably like take breaks from social media,
especially during like solo parenting days. Yeah.
But like if I come across reels and like, yeah,
things that are like, oh, this mom's, I don't
know, managing it all. The whole, yeah, the whole
super mom myth again that we talked about last
week. Yeah. Yeah. I feel like that's a big trigger
for me. And then I get in my head of like, oh,
I'm not good enough. I'm not like providing the
best life for my kids. What am I doing wrong
that everyone else can do this and I can't? Yes.
Especially the like the reels that I see or like
videos I see on Instagram of like moms like doing
all of these errands with their kids. For me,
like I think I'm just at that stage right now
where like. Okay, we can do, we'll do like max
one errand. And it's honestly usually like target
pickup order. Like we're not even getting out
of the car. And to me, like that is a lot, even
just for me at this stage. But then I see like
these videos of moms like, I don't know, going
to the zoo on their own and going to Walmart
and running all these errands. And it's just.
It makes me feel like crap, honestly. It's like,
I just, I'm not maybe creating a good childhood
for my kids because we're not out running, like
doing all these fun things. Yeah, we're just
stuck in our house. Yeah. And I'm like, no, I
know that like Colt, especially as a toddler,
like he has a great time at home with his toys
and playing outside and we find really fun things
to do. But like, I'm not creating. sensory bins
for him and yeah all these activities i'm letting
him use his imagination to figure out how how
to play with his toys differently each day and
you know a lot of our days look pretty much the
same especially working from home like we're
not we're not going out a bunch yeah i definitely
feel the same way and i would say like There's
a level of, like, friends being triggers, too,
of, like, I have lots of friends who are, like,
stay -at -home moms. So then, you know, I see,
again, whether it's on social media or just,
like, in passing them talking about, like, things
that they're doing, then me feeling like, oh,
I'm not doing enough. Yeah. Again, because it's
like, oh, I'm not making the sensory bins or,
like, we can't go to the zoo on a Monday morning
because I have to work. Yeah. I have to be online.
And I have to be available. And, again, this
has nothing to do with what other people are
doing. It's all internalized, right? Yeah. Like,
they're just living their lives and sharing about
it. It's almost a jealousy. Oh, for sure. Yeah.
No, there's, like, one situation. I won't share
it to them, but there's one situation in particular.
It's, like, I have a friend who's a stay -at
-home mom, and just, like, some of the things
that have come up, I'm, like, I know it's just.
90 % jealousy on my part of like I wish I was
a stay -at -home mom who got to make those decisions
yeah and and I don't yeah yeah I feel that okay
I want to talk about a little bit so one of the
myths that really stood out to me is that good
moms protect their children from pain yes I really
like that part yeah and I one of the quotes from
the book direct quotes it says the good mom myth
That says it's our job to protect our kids from
pain is wrong. Pain is inevitable. It's part
of life. Yours, mine, theirs. Good moms don't
protect their kids from all pain. They teach
them how to handle it when it comes their way.
And I was like, oof, that's like every part of
me wants to protect my kids from every single
part of the world that could bring them pain.
And I want to shield them from that bubble boy
again. And like. I don't want them to feel any
pain from this world because I love them so much.
One of the points, I'm trying to see if I can
find the exact quote because it was really funny.
I just thought this was funny, but also a really
good point. In 1994, the American... Academy
of Pediatrics recommended mothers begin torturing
their babies with a practice lovingly called
tummy time. Oh, yes. That was just such a good
way to put it because anyone who's dealt with
tummy time knows it's a struggle. But I thought
that was, like, such a good example of here's
something that we intentionally put our kids
through that is uncomfortable. Yeah. to better
them to strengthen them to yeah it says in our
wisdom we allow them to experience discomfort
knowing that pain will give them strength to
live a great life yeah it's like oh yeah that's
so true yeah i thought that was so good and again
having to remind myself of that like not only
can i not protect my kids from everything but
in a certain level i shouldn't and like she even
brings this up in the book there's like we're
not talking about abuse and like extreme scenarios
like yes you know we need to protect our kids
from those things at all costs it's this stuff
like failing a test or just like failing at things
sometimes because we fail at things sometimes
and that's also how we learn yeah she talked
specifically about like oh one of her sons forgot
to get a poster board for his school project
and he like asked if they could go out and get
it like the night before the project is due and
she's like no We can't like you've got to figure
it out. And he did. And he did. And he figured
it out. He like made a makeshift poster board.
And that just reminds me like when I was a kid
one time, I completely forgot about a history
project that was due the next day. And it was
like it was a massive project. And I remember
like crying so hard because my dad like said
he was going to bed and he wasn't going to help
me with it. And I remember just being so mad
at him. And I was up all night long finishing
this project and I finished it and I didn't get
the best grade, that's for sure. But like it
was, I mean, it's clearly stuck with me all these
years of like, oh, it taught me. Planning ahead.
Planning ahead. Yeah, it's going to teach me
all these lessons of planning ahead and not like
I can't rely on the world to just. give me handouts
yeah if I forget something or if I don't do something
yeah and like yeah I experienced not physical
pain maybe emotional pain in that that moment
but like I learned a huge lesson from it And
I think that's something we have to bring into
parenthood. One of the things, because of course
our kids are still really young, so there's a
lot of stuff where it's like, no, we still have
to help. Obviously at two you're not saying,
well, you forgot your water bottle when we went
to the store. So now you can't have water. But
there are things that I try to do. to like set
them up for that. And like Lloyd specifically,
obviously Zeta is still, you know, just a teeny
baby, but, um, so like Lloyd, if he needs help
with something and just starts whining and I'm
like, Nope, you know how to say help, please.
You don't have, you can't, you don't have a huge
vocabulary yet. Yeah. You can't speak in full
sentences, but I know you know how to say help,
please. So I try to remind him, I'm like, okay,
like if you need help. We don't mind. You have
to ask. And then usually almost immediately goes,
up a piece. I'm like, cutest thing in the world.
Yes. And of course I can help you like get down
or open that container or, you know, whatever
it is. But like you, you need to know how to
ask for help and how to fail and how to be uncomfortable
with things sometimes. Cause again, you don't
want to get too 18. Yeah. And go off to college
or the real world or whatever that looks like
for you at 18. And for the first time. Yeah.
All of a sudden you're like, oh, I. I have to
make decisions or. I have to make decisions.
I am going to fail. I am going to get feedback.
Yeah. I am, you know, going to experience all
these things and experience them from the first
time from someone who doesn't love you. Yeah.
Because that I think is one of the big things
is one of the things Stuart and I talked about,
I think just like last week is. One, the whole
concept of like, I never want my kids to hear
the word no. It's like, well, they're going to.
And I would rather them hear it from me who loves
them more than anything first. Yep. Than someone
who couldn't care less about them. Yeah. So that
they know how to respond when that person who
couldn't care less about them does say no. And
then, because this was actually brought up at
church a while ago about like kids. questioning
their parents like if i asked you to do something
how the kid is supposed to respond they're like
a healthy way for their kid to respond and like
it's not bad for kids to ask questions their
parents it's like again as their parent i want
what's in their best interest yeah you know and
i'm doing everything i can to like for their
best interest so when i ask them to do something
that's the case there's gonna come a point in
time when they're under an authority who does
not have their best interests in mind at all
and so I, for them, I want them to be able to
like come to me and ask questions. Yeah. And
know that they can. So that way when they're
out in the real world and they have a crazy boss
or whatever, they can approach that person with
questions in a mature and healthy way. And so
it's like that needs to start by them being able
to be like, well, why do I have to clean my room?
Yeah. You know, and me being able to guide them
through that. Yeah. And all of this is like,
yeah. discomfort happens in the real world yeah
and you need to know how to respond and to approach
it in a healthy mature way and right now you're
not going to because you're a child but that's
my job as a parent is to like allow that to happen
and then help you through it yeah yeah that's
so true i feel like a another generational thing
that like we're kind of breaking the cycle of
in this generation is um the response of because
I said so I don't know if you had this growing
up of like oh well why do I have to do that and
the response was well because I said so yeah
and I'm like okay well I guess yeah I guess that's
true well and like I think one of the things
I would say about like how I've tried to approach
parenting and I don't do it well all the time
But my goal is like, how does this set them up
for being an adult? Because they're going to
spend the majority of their life as an adult
with not in my house. Yeah. And I think like
historically, we've been really good at like
raising good kids, but not setting them up for
adulthood well. Or again, like with the questioning
authority thing of like asking, why do I have
to do that? If I have your best interests in
mind and say, because I said so, it's because
I love you. Yeah. But then like. you have someone
who doesn't care about you and cares about their
own interest saying because i said so and you're
like well i'm i'm supposed to just abide to authority
yeah then like that could put you in a really
bad position whether that's for your you know
your own like actual safety or you know you get
blamed for something or whatever yeah like and
i don't want my kids to be set up that way no
no another thing like going back to the the pain
situation. I love just the questions that she
has us ask ourselves in order to identify if
we need to step in. So first question is, is
my child in physical danger? If yes, step in.
If no, stand by. Is my child at risk of abuse
or trauma? If yes, step in. If no, stand by.
Is this pain helpful? If no, step in. If yes.
And I'm like, that's so, like, that's such a
good just overview to, like, to be able to ask
yourself in a situation. Because, like, if your
child, like, for example, in toddlerhood, like,
my child is about to jump off the, I don't know,
the windowsill. Yeah. Whatever they can call
it. Yeah. I'm like, okay, yes, I'm going to,
I'm probably going to step in because I know
this is going to cause him. physical pain that
i could help and like maybe beyond physical pain
too you know like something serious yes yeah
but like i don't know if he's trying to figure
out how to put train tracks together he's really
into train tracks right now put them together
and he's frustrated and it's he's struggling
That's not causing him physical pain. Right.
It might be causing him to really think and like
he might think he's in pain. I'm going to encourage
him to try to figure it out. Obviously, like
I want to help him, but there's a level of like
let me stand back a little bit. So Lloyd has
figured out how to climb up the high chair. Yes.
So like he climbs it up like a ladder. Okay,
yes. And he can get himself in the high chair
that way. And yesterday he – wanted a toy that
was on the floor and I was like well I'm not
gonna hand it to you so if you want that toy
like you have to get down and obviously like
I was right there in case like something was
gonna happen he was gonna start to fall or anything
like that but it was really cool to watch him
because he was like okay want my toy that's on
the floor which means I have to get out and just
like the wheels turning of like trying to figure
out how he was gonna get down and get down safely
without getting hurt yeah and then eventually
he did like turn to me and like he was a little
stressed I was like if you want help you have
to ask that oh please like okay and so i like
went over and honestly he just wanted the security
of me behind him because then as soon as i was
like behind him he figured it out himself see
that's so good but it was like so cool to like
see the thought process like you could i have
a video but like you could see him figuring out
like nope can't put my foot there like i have
to hold on here and it was really cool and like
so fun to be like oh You're figuring things out
on your own. Yeah. And, like, obviously I'm here
if, like, you need me. Like, I'm not going to
let you be stranded, you know, even though you,
you know, got yourself up there. I'm not going
to strand you up there because that's what you
did. But you also need to figure out how to do
some of these things on your own in, like, a
healthy, controlled way. For sure. Yeah, I feel
like that's one thing, like, I'm fully working
on right now as we're, like. full -on in toddlerhood
of figuring like exploring figuring things out
is like me stepping back and allowing him to
figure it out because otherwise like i i like
am so quick to jump in and just help to like
to reach the end result really quickly like oh
let me just pick you up really quick and put
you in the high chair or take you out of it really
quick so then We just get to whatever the end
result is and you want to get to it. And I think
that that's something that I'm like, I'm trying
to allow that pain or that struggle to be a learning
experience. That's so hard because for so long,
you kind of have to do that kind of stuff. Right.
Where it's like with an infant, they like. literally
just don't know how to do things yet so then
you start to get to this age where they have
to figure things out on their own and you're
just in the habit of like oh well I'm gonna I'm
gonna give you this toy because you don't know
how to reach it yet um so you're in that habit
and then all of a sudden you have this kid who
does need to have like a healthy amount of independence
yeah and it's hard to let them have that yeah
okay I kind of wanted to chat about too the she
talks about like The truth about maternal anger.
So, why are moms so afraid to admit that they
get angry? What if we started viewing anger as
a signal instead of, I guess we kind of already
talked about like the triggers and. Yeah. We
didn't talk specifically about anger though.
Yeah. And we've talked before. We'll probably,
I think we're planning to do like a mom rage
episode at one point. That's kind of what I wanted
to chat about really. So I guess we don't have
to really get into it. Yeah. Let's talk about
a little bit though. Yeah. I mean, she brings
up that like anger isn't bad. It's our response
to anger, which I think. is not like again that's
a generational thing and I think it's not just
a mom thing but a female thing too where it's
like kind of like women don't get angry yeah
and it's like no anger is a natural like it's
an emotion and emotions are neutral it's response
to emotions that are good or bad and trying to
remember that of like I'm allowed to get angry
or be upset because my kid poured all of his
goldfish into the couch this morning yeah that
happened well i'm already running on no sleep
yeah um but yeah and then i think like one of
the like triggers and guilts with that like i
think i maybe mentioned this so we're recording
this at the same time as we recorded last episode
in case you listened that like last night from
when we were recording this was like a rough
night and you like get angry at your kid for
being awake for being a natural for being an
infant yeah and it's one of those things where
you feel so guilty because you're like why am
i mad at my kid for being awake right now it's
like well because it's 2 a .m and i'm tired and
i've gotten tired an hour and a half of sleep
tonight because she keeps waking up and like
that is a natural okay response i just need to
be in control of that anger yeah yeah yeah yeah
no i feel that for sure it's like i think it
goes along with like the differentiation of like
in those moments, like, no, I want to prioritize
myself and my sleep. And it's like, it's just,
and I'm so angry that I cannot do that. And I'm,
I'm not necessarily angry at you, even though
it comes off that way. But I think one of the
things that's hard about, especially being a
mom to littles is Like there are scenarios with
Stuart where it's like, so for example, this
past Thanksgiving, it was the first holiday we
were going to host in our house. Like we bought
a house last summer. Thanksgiving came around.
We're like, we're going to host. We were so excited.
And the night before Stuart got super, super
sick. And he helped the best he could. But that
meant that I was doing all the cooking. I mean,
the family, people were bringing food. So, like,
I wasn't even making the turkey. But all the
cooking that we were responsible for, I was doing
all of it. I was doing almost all of the cleaning.
Like, there were things that weren't going to
get done because I was like, I can't do this
all on my own. And he was like, are you mad at
me? I was like, well, I'm not mad that you got
sick. Well, I'm mad that you got sick. I'm frustrated
with the situation as a whole. I'm not mad at
you. You're clearly miserable. You're clearly
not faking this. That's not in your personality
to fake this to get out of helping around the
house. I'm not mad at you, but I am super frustrated
with the situation because this isn't how I want
it to go. And with him, he's an adult. He can
comprehend that and I can communicate that with
him. With your six -month -old, you can't be
like, baby girl i'm so frustrated that i'm so
tired right now and she's not gonna be like oh
okay oh yeah okay thanks mom like you're right
i should go back to sleep like that's not how
that's gonna go down so i think that's one of
the things that makes it really hard is you just
like you can't communicate your feelings with
this tiny little human because they don't understand
yeah and so it's like yes i am angry not necessarily
at you Just like at what's happening right now.
At the situation. And you don't understand that.
Yeah. And there's nothing I can do to communicate
that to you right now. Yeah. Yeah. I think one
of the hardest parts for me right now with our
toddler, he just, I mean, he just turned two,
is whenever I'm like, I'm clearly frustrated
and I've told him to do something five times
already and he laughs in my face. And I'm like,
oh. oof I am so yeah yeah and in my head I'm
like I don't know he's not fully understanding
still he's learning he's he's testing like yeah
he's testing my boundaries which again is healthy
and appropriate for his age but it's really frustrating
yeah it's really frustrating in the moment when
I'm tired and I need him to do something and
I just think that's it's it's funny when I'm
not in the moment But yeah. Yeah. In the moment.
Yeah. It's a lot. Yeah. So one of the things
I want to talk about is how like she mentions
how much mom friendships benefit our kids, which
is something like I don't think I've ever thought
about. I guess I think she quotes the study.
I think she like references a study. I didn't
write that part down. But saying that friendships
are the relationships that make us happiest.
Which I thought was super interesting. And I
guess it like kind of makes sense. But, and we
talked about this a little bit earlier, just
how hard it is to like maintain friendships as
a mom. Yes. And then making mom friends too,
where she refers to it as friend dating. I was
like, I hate that. I just like, I've had. really
I've had great experience with this but I've
also had like a negative experience with trying
to make mom friends and it just turning really
weird and so it makes me like that's like the
last last taste in my mouth of it and it just
like yeah I don't know it makes me not want to
go out of my yeah I feel like make them yeah
I feel like that's one of the things I have a
hard time with too is like I do not have the
natural, like, tendency to be, like, I'm going
to reach out to people. Like, I'm pretty introverted,
so I'm, like, I want my friends to, like, already
exist. Yeah, yes. And I know that's not how friendships
work, but that you don't just, like, meet someone
and you're best friends. Like, even if you, like,
automatically click, like, you still have time
to, like, build that trust and that friendship.
But then, like, there have been times when I'm,
like, okay, like, I'm going to do it. I'm going
to, like, reach out to this person or, like,
go. you know, get out of my comfort zone. And
then like, yeah, it gets kind of weird. And I'm
like, did I make it weird? Yeah. Like, is this
weird? Like, do they not like me? Was it just
like a weird day? Yeah. Like, am I the weird
one or are they the weird one? Yeah. Like, was
it just a weird situation? Were we both tired?
I don't know. But then, yeah, that makes you
go like, oh, maybe, like, I don't want to try
this again because this was awkward. Like, and
then it's just easier for me to just stay at
home. Yeah. Yeah. Figure it out on my own. Yeah.
Oh, I feel it for sure. I know like this is a
very convicting thing for me because like as
a person who works in ministry, something that
like I'm called to is to go like out of my way
to make someone feel comfortable. And my husband
works in youth ministry. So it's like that's
a very common thing in youth ministry is like,
oh, you you talk to the kids on the outside like
that are feeling uncomfortable or. And I feel
like I've gotten really good at that with kids.
Not adults. Yeah, not adults. Yeah. And so I
do feel like I'm supposed to be one to, like,
reach out to moms that are maybe, like, I've
talked to a few moms at, like, the park or, yeah.
And in my head I'm like, oh, I know I'm supposed
to, like, ask for her number to, like, see if
they want to do this again. Or, like, our kids
were having a great time playing. And I just
haven't yet. Yeah. And I just. I feel like I
need to, but it's so, yeah, it's hard. This is
a skill, again, this is a skill Stuart has that
I don't know, like, where this comes from, but
so many times we'll just be out in the neighborhood
and he'll be like, oh, hey, Tim, or whoever,
and I'm like, you know that neighbor? Like, when
did you meet them? Like, I'm home all the time
and I don't know any of our, I know two of our
neighbors. Yeah, yes. That's so funny. And then,
yeah, like, we, he met one the other day, he
told me, He's like, oh, I got his number. And
then we saw that neighbor at Costco. The neighbor,
like, came over and said hey to us. I was like,
see, if the situation was reversed, or, like,
even I was at the park with the kids and, like,
tried to talk to that neighbor, would not have
gone the same way at all. So I'm like, am I doing
this wrong? I feel that for sure as far as, like,
I don't know. Maybe it's just not my personality.
I mean, there is, like, a level of that. Yeah.
And so I'm, like, trying to find the balance
for me with the, like, mom -friend thing of,
like, allowing myself to get outside of my comfort
zone. Because I think it is really used to be,
like, that's not my personality. And that's not
my skill set. So you just, like, write it off.
Yeah. While at the same time being, like, okay,
I need to get over, like, yeah, I need to let
myself be outside of my comfort zone. Okay, one
thing that she brought up, it was, like, kind
of towards the end of just, like, creating. good
habits. Have you, so she talks about the book
Atomic Habits. Have you ever read that book?
I haven't, but I liked, that was one of the things
I wrote down is the power of 1 % better. Yes.
I really like that. Yeah. So I read that book
probably a couple of years ago and that book
has, I mean, it's stuck with me for a long time.
I just feel like it's a really powerful book
for, it's technically like a Christian leadership
book, but I feel like anybody could read it and
it would have an impact on them. But yeah, the
power of the 1 % of like trying to change slowly
over time can make, I think they said if you
change 1 % every day, it's like you, you're going
to be 37 times better in like a year. Yeah. Yeah.
Yeah. She quoted that, which I thought was super
interesting. Cause you just don't think about
it that way. No. And I think like, especially
where we are culturally, it's like, we want immediate
results to everything, right? We have Amazon
Prime. I ordered something at like 10 p .m. last
night and it was here before you got here this
morning. Like that's just like the world we live
in. Instant gratification. Exactly. And to a
certain extent, I'm like, that's not bad for
every single thing. No. But that being our overarching
attitude towards life is like everything needs
to be instant gratification. Yeah. is negative
and it's also not realistic right you know it's
like if you want to get healthy physically and
you go on one walk like that's not going to change
anything um you might like sleep better that
night but that's about it um you know it's like
it needs to be small and consistent yeah the
consistency is key yeah i was reading she yeah
she talked about like how they wanted to transform
their their health lives and so she like she
got rid of all the sugar in the house she like
made them all work out she i forget what else
but yeah all the things all at once and obviously
like that's not gonna work no you don't want
to stick with it and so i'm like i think michael
and i are at this point in our lives we're like
no we need to get healthier and how do we do
that and i obviously in our head we're like well
we need to work out more we need to eat healthier
and i'm like Okay, after reading this, it reminded
me, like, it needs to be a slow. Yeah. For it
in order. It's like, okay, one meal a week, we're
going to. Yep. For it to stick and become a habit,
it needs to be something slow. So, like, I would
not consider myself a crunchy mom. I would say,
like, the online term of, like, scrunchy is probably
closer. Yeah. Where it's like, listen, I'm still
going to be drinking my Dr. Pepper most days
of the week. Mm -hmm. But then I also make all
of our own cleaning solutions because that's
really important to me. And so obviously like
I follow a lot of like those kinds of moms on
Instagram. And there's one who I've grown to
like love so much because of just like what her
attitude is. And it's like, listen, you're not
going to get it right all the time. There are
going to be weeks where it's like 90 % doing
everything great and 10 % not. You know, you're
doing. quote -unquote toxic stuff or whatever
and other weeks it's gonna be the opposite where
it's like you're in survival mode for whatever
reason and you you know the only non -toxic things
you're doing is stuff you've already set up you
know it's like the cleaning solution that's already
in your house whatever yeah and the rest of the
time it's like you have doritos and mcdonald's
and yeah You know, whatever. Which honestly were
some of the best memories for me as a child.
Right. I'm like, when we had pizza night movie
nights every single Friday. Yep. Like, I know
that's not healthy, but like those are the best
memories. But that's so fun. Yeah. But yeah.
So when we go back to the like trying to improve
your life and whatever that looks like, getting
healthier, eliminating certain things, you know,
whether that's like physically or mentally or
anything like that, trying to focus like. Again,
this influencer I follow, she was like, the goal
should kind of be like 80 -20. And you're not
going to nail that every day and every week.
But like 80 % getting things right and 20 % like
whatever. And like, again, slowly working towards
that too. You know, like, okay. So I switched
out the mascara I was using. That's all I did
this week. Or, you know, or, like, again, this
week we had a home -cooked meal that, like, I
actually made everything from scratch. Or, you
know, I made sure to drink water before my Dr.
Pepper today. Just, like, the little things to
then, again, not hold yourself to this everything
has to be 100 all the time, but more of, like,
hey. It's like a slow growth. It's a slow growth,
and there's flexibility within it, and it allows
room for. failure isn't even the right word yeah
i mean that's like kind of it but it just like
allows room for like not hitting your goals perfectly
it's like grace yeah and grace into it yeah because
i think it is really easy to be like this is
our goal so we're going all in and i think the
example she uses is a friend who like wanted
to run a marathon and she was like Tried for
years and then joined a, like, marathon training
group. It was like, oh, I ran for, like, one
minute the first day. Yeah. And then all of a
sudden, 20 weeks later, however long it was,
I was able to run a marathon. Yeah. Yeah, I think,
like, thinking of our kids in this sense, like,
she brings up the point of, like, a child who
headbutts, which, like, is totally my child,
who he has always been a big headbutter. and
we're in a slapping phase that makes me feel
better yeah but i think back of like six months
ago i mean he was headbutting everything all
of the time and now he still does it but there's
been improvement right and it's been a slow improvement
that i maybe can't see on the day -to -day but
if i jump back to six months ago again i feel
like a lot of these things We see in other areas
of, like, specifically our kids' lives, right?
Like, we don't expect our kids to go from crawling
to running. We're so excited when they take that
first step. We don't expect them to have full
conversations right away. It's like, oh, you
said a word. Now you're stringing two words together.
Three words, that's so exciting. Yeah. But then
with other things, it's like, well, why didn't
he just stop headbutting? Yeah. You know? Yeah.
And then we also hold ourselves to that standard
of like, I went on one run, so why? Why can't
I run a marathon now? Yeah. Yeah, exactly. Yeah,
I just thought that was really... a good thing
to kind of be brought back up into my life while
I was reading this and super convicting of like,
Oh, I need to bring this back into just my daily
life of wanting to, I mean, especially improve
my physical health and have it be like a slow
growth. And so I, I haven't put into place what
I want to do quite yet to like make that, you
know, 1 % growth. Yeah. Well, one of the things
she brought up, we didn't talk, I think we talked
about it last episode. Um, with like mental health
needs and she like mentions a few things and
she's like just pick one that you're gonna do
every day maybe it's a different one each day
but like don't focus on all that once just pick
one and I think like that attitude towards so
many things is helpful like this is the thing
I'm gonna focus on today whether that's like
taking care of myself or even just being a mom
of like I know that it was a couple months ago
but we were having like a rough week and so finally
I was like I'm not going to care if Floyd climbs
on the table. That's the thing I'm letting go
of. I'm going to focus on, like, obviously if
he's, like, about to get hurt, then, like. Then,
yeah. Then I'll intervene. But, like, I'm not
going to yell at him and tell him to get down.
And we're just going to focus on, like, different
priorities today. And we quit so much better
after I just, like, made that decision. And,
like, he's not supposed to climb on the table.
But it was just that was the thing I was letting
go. And so, like, yeah, trying to find the thing
that's, like, this is what I'm going to focus
on or not focus on right now. It's like picking
your battles. Yeah, both, like, to help yourself
and then also, like, as a mom parenting your
kids. I can totally relate with the climbing
on the table thing, especially. Like, okay, you
know what? Whatever. It's fine. It's going to
happen sometimes. Yeah. Yep. As long as you're
not about to throw my vase of flowers off the...
yeah the table then we have to you can sit there
and smell them yeah no that works that's fine
okay was there anything else you wanted to chat
about with the one of the things that I wrote
down kind of going back to like the friends thing.
And she talks about honoring your priorities
with friendships. Like some people just like
you're not meant to be friends with, which is
like kind of nice. Like I logically know that,
but it's kind of nice to let that go. And the
way also I put it, so we've both worked with
students, like high school students for years.
And one of the things I would always tell my
students is. It's okay to categorize your friends.
Like maybe don't tell them that. That's kind
of weird. But like you can have the friends that
you're like, these are the people I go to for
like life advice. Like my marriage is struggling.
I'm struggling as a mom, whatever. Like we're
making this huge life decision. I need advice
or I need someone to talk to. It's also okay
to have the friends that's like, they're just
kind of a good time. You know, I have a couple
of friends like that that I'm like, listen, I
would never ask that. Like I see how their life
is. I don't particularly want their advice. But
if I'm like, I just want to like go have fun
tonight and like go get drinks or something like
that, I know they're going to be so much fun
to go with. Yeah. Yep. So it's kind of like a
random like jump back. Yeah, that is good. But
that was something that like with the whole like
honoring your priorities of like what's important
with your friendships or like as a mom, you know,
if you have a friend who's like ragging on you
for your priorities or whatever, like maybe take
a step back. Yeah. But it's okay to not. We'll
go on to that. We also don't have time for that,
I feel like. For sure. I mean, I for sure don't.
Yeah. I think the last, like, the kind of, like,
closing things that I had were your kids need
you emotionally healthy and kids need a happy
mom or they need a clean house and a home -cooked
meal. Yeah. Which I think, like, that's super
convicting for me because I'm like, I feel like
I need to cook every single meal or, like, it
shouldn't be, you know, something I can just
throw in the oven and make and... you know and
not have to worry about i feel yeah i feel i
feel mostly with like the clean house thing i
feel like a lot of the times i like just find
myself like oh if i have a moment i'm like picking
up the toys or i don't know trying to get the
dishes done and like instead of like sitting
down and playing with trains with my kid yeah
and and again it's one of those things that stuff
like these things like especially stuff like
dishes you're like this is like a sanitation
thing that our house needs yeah But when do I
prioritize and when do I not? For sure. And then
I just had like a couple of quotes that I feel
like are good to like wrap things up with. I
have, I guess like three. So the first one is
great moms make mistakes. Great moms lose their
tempers. Great moms need a break. Great moms
are exhausted. Great moms invest in themselves.
Great moms are always learning. Great moms are
always growing. Great moms learn that emotional
health is the greatest gift they can give their
kids. Yeah, that's good. Hand in hand with that,
she says, you are on the right track. You are
arming yourself with wisdom. You have a unique
superpower. You were chosen by God to be a mother.
You are discovering how to honor your needs.
You are learning. New confidence in your motherhood
and you're investing in yourself. You are a great
mom. Well done. And then the last one that I
had underlined is mom guilt makes you lie to
yourself. And the only way to fight a lie is
with the truth. You kill mom guilt by fighting
back with truth, evidence, facts. God chose you
to be a mom and mom guilt doesn't come from him.
Which I mean, those are all things that I'm like.
Maybe I should just, like, get them tattooed
on my forehead to remind myself all the time.
Have Stuart recite them to you every morning.
Yeah, no, I feel like there was one part in the
book she was like, you know you're a good mom
because you're reading this book. Like, if you're
investing in yourself as a mom and trying to
learn, like, I think you're a better mom than
you think you are. Yeah, I think that's one of
the things that, like, I've had to, like, remind
myself as a mom is, like, If I feel guilty about
something, that means I'm, like, truly bad moms
don't feel guilty. And, you know, again, I'm
talking about, like, the extremes, like, abusive
mothers. Yes. The moms who are good moms, like,
care that they mess their kids up. Yeah. And
so, like, in and of that, of just, like, feeling
guilt. Like, you need to get the guilt under
control. But just, like, caring about that means
you're a good mom. Yeah. You're a good mom. Well.
Hopefully this... Kind of encouraged you in a
sense. I would recommend the book. Would you?
Oh, absolutely. I feel like every page I was
like, ooh. Yeah, I think when we decided to read
it, I texted you like two hours later. I was
like, I'm already crying. I'm already crying.
I've cried four times. I'm only one chapter in
and it really is so good. I would recommend checking
it out. It's called Remaining You While Raising
Them. And let us know what you think of it because
we really enjoyed it. Let us also know what you
think of like this style of podcast. podcast
and yeah we've got another book in mind we want
to go over so yeah let us know and hope you feel
encouraged in some sense by this yeah definitely
all right uh do you want to jump into your mom
when i would love to um okay so i don't think
i've talked about this before i hope not maybe
i did maybe this is Off mic, I don't know. But
one of my wins, so I've found with Colt that
using a timer with him is like actually really
works for him. So last night I was, Michael was
at work, and so I knew like I was going to do
bedtime on my own. And so we were playing outside.
It was super nice outside. Our planter bed like
fell through. I saw that. So sad. Okay, cruisy.
planter bed fell through and so colt was just
like digging in the soil and i was like oh no
we're gonna need a shower for sure um and so
i like told him i was like okay colt do you want
two or three more minutes to play. And he, he,
it's funny. He always picks two, which I'm like,
if only I knew that three was more. We're like,
I'm not mad. No, I'm like, okay, buddy, you can
have two minutes. So then I set a timer on my
phone and when the timer goes off, I allow him
one time to ask for more time. And he, so this
time he went, he went more, please, more, please.
And I said, okay, buddy, you can have two more
minutes. And then that's it. Then we're going
inside to take a shower. And so the timer went
off and immediately he put down his toys. We
walked inside and I said, okay, buddy, we're
going up to take a shower. He immediately goes
up to take a shower. We get in the shower. One
thing he loves doing right now in the shower,
he sits down and he plays with his garden tools.
Great. Yeah. I'm like, great. That's fine. I
can like rinse you and stuff while you're playing
with your tools. And he like didn't want to get
out. And so I was like, okay, buddy, do you want
two or three more minutes in the shower? He goes.
two please and i said okay buddy you can have
two more minutes right when the timer went off
he didn't even ask for more time this time he
said all done and i turned off the shower he
got out and i was like did i just did i just
master motherhood yeah yeah i don't think there's
anything else you can learn no you've done it
yeah so i just like in those last night i felt
like a i felt like a BA. I was like, that's so
great. I'm such a BA mom. Maybe we'll have to
start doing timers with Lloyd. It like, for some
reason, so I used to work with kids with autism
and behavior therapy, and that was something
like we implemented into their therapy sessions.
And I like remembered that a couple of weeks
ago and I was like, you know what? I'm going
to try that. with cold do you just use the timer
on your phone yeah because i know and i like
have one saved but i felt like he was doing they
have those timers that have like a visual representation
because kids don't really understand like what
the hell what is time yeah um whereas like if
they can see like okay once it hits like the
blue then we're going inside or whatever yeah
they like understand that a little bit better
yeah no i've just used it on my And sometimes
I'll, like, tell him. I'll be like, oh, there's
one minute left. I'm like, okay, buddy, like,
you're almost out of time. And so I'll, like,
remind him of that. But, yeah, when I tried it,
like, obviously it doesn't work every time. But
last night it just, I don't know, something about
it worked. That's so great. I felt really great.
And it just. And there's less of a battle. Yeah,
there wasn't a tantrum trying to get into the
shower and be done playing outside. It just,
like, it worked. And so. I don't know. Recommendation
for moms in the thick of it. And definitely give
that a try. Yeah. What's your win? All right.
My win is, so Lloyd got the opportunity to meet
a horse last night. And he was really nervous
at first, which is fair. it's a giant scary yeah
yeah the funny thing i've only seen large animals
like this at the zoo and you're not allowed to
pet those no so he got to pet this horse's nose
and he was just like so gentle and so sweet And
clearly, like, in awe of this animal. Like, he
was so excited. And then we, like, set him down
and he immediately just, like, ran back over
because he wanted to, like, see this horse. And
it was just super cute. That's cute. I mean,
I know he's in an age where, like, animals are
all the rage to begin with. Yeah. But it was,
it's just, like, super fun to, like, see that
and see his interest. And, again, just that he
was, like, so sweet. Because that was, like,
kind of my concern. Yeah. It's, like. He doesn't
always know. He's two. He doesn't always know
how to pet nicely. No. And he doesn't always
pet our cats nicely. Yeah. We have two cats in
red. Our boy cat, he'll just run away. And Ricky,
our girl cat, will put up with anything from
him. So I was like. This could go really badly
where he, like, smacks this wild horse in the
nose. And then they're like, Erica, you can never
come back. And we're like, Julie noted. Yeah,
right. But, no, he was just, like, so sweet and
so excited to see the horse and, like, got to
pet his nose and her nose. And it was super,
super cute. That's so cute. Well, thanks for
tuning in. Hope you guys enjoyed us going over
this book. And, yeah, let us know what you think
on social media. Follow us at nomanual. Podcast
and tune in next week. We'll see you next week.
See ya.