WEBVTT

00:00:12.970 --> 00:00:15.630
Hi, everyone. Welcome back to No Manual on MomCast,

00:00:15.630 --> 00:00:19.850
where this is a place for moms to listen to really

00:00:19.850 --> 00:00:23.600
the reality of motherhood. the wins, the fails,

00:00:23.739 --> 00:00:27.579
all of it. So today we have a really, really

00:00:27.579 --> 00:00:31.219
special guest. Our sweet friend Ambry is here

00:00:31.219 --> 00:00:34.340
to talk a little bit more about postpartum depression

00:00:34.340 --> 00:00:36.640
and mental health and what that kind of looked

00:00:36.640 --> 00:00:39.859
like for her. But first, before we get into all

00:00:39.859 --> 00:00:41.920
of that, Ambry, do you just want to do a brief

00:00:41.920 --> 00:00:46.359
intro of you? Yes, yes. Thank you for having

00:00:46.359 --> 00:00:49.689
me. My name is Ambry. I am nobody to anybody

00:00:49.689 --> 00:00:52.689
listening, but I think that's kind of the point

00:00:52.689 --> 00:00:54.990
of this podcast. Like we're all just moms, but

00:00:54.990 --> 00:00:57.869
also we can all be relatable. It's all relatable

00:00:57.869 --> 00:01:01.710
in some way. Ambry, I feel like I met both of

00:01:01.710 --> 00:01:05.790
you through our church, Flatirons, where I used

00:01:05.790 --> 00:01:08.170
to work for a while. I was there for seven years

00:01:08.170 --> 00:01:13.200
in ministry. And then got pregnant with our first

00:01:13.200 --> 00:01:15.900
about almost three years ago, which is crazy.

00:01:15.980 --> 00:01:20.159
He's going to be three. And went back to work

00:01:20.159 --> 00:01:22.500
for a little while. And I think I'll probably

00:01:22.500 --> 00:01:25.260
share some of this today. But it wasn't work

00:01:25.260 --> 00:01:27.700
that was really hard. It was my mental health

00:01:27.700 --> 00:01:30.620
that was hard before even going back. And then

00:01:30.620 --> 00:01:34.680
I'm very fortunate that I have a husband who

00:01:34.680 --> 00:01:38.769
can provide. Honestly, my paycheck was paying

00:01:38.769 --> 00:01:40.989
for our childcare. We didn't have any free childcare.

00:01:41.689 --> 00:01:43.709
So it was like going towards childcare and was

00:01:43.709 --> 00:01:46.930
like, do you just need to stay home? And honestly,

00:01:47.390 --> 00:01:49.450
I'll get into this, but at the time I was like,

00:01:49.489 --> 00:01:52.750
I'm terrified to stay home because home is where

00:01:52.750 --> 00:01:58.569
I'm really bad right now. But I did, I ended

00:01:58.569 --> 00:02:00.450
up staying home and that actually begun a really

00:02:00.450 --> 00:02:04.450
difficult journey for me. And then fast forward,

00:02:04.609 --> 00:02:08.370
we... surprise we got pregnant uh when our son

00:02:08.370 --> 00:02:10.509
was nine months old which is really similar to

00:02:10.509 --> 00:02:12.650
you guys we all we were just talking about how

00:02:12.650 --> 00:02:16.370
we all have two under two or I did but yeah so

00:02:16.370 --> 00:02:18.150
now my son is almost three and we have a six

00:02:18.150 --> 00:02:22.050
month old at home Quinn little girl and that's

00:02:22.050 --> 00:02:25.729
my family my husband is Connor and he's wonderful

00:02:25.729 --> 00:02:29.129
and silly and he's really the one who's better

00:02:29.129 --> 00:02:31.810
at this kind of stuff than me honestly but oh

00:02:31.810 --> 00:02:33.870
my gosh he's not here because he's not mom you

00:02:33.870 --> 00:02:37.789
know yeah Well, let's hop into our mom moments

00:02:37.789 --> 00:02:41.030
of the week. Okay. And do you want to go first,

00:02:41.050 --> 00:02:43.569
Ambry? I literally, I feel like I talked about

00:02:43.569 --> 00:02:45.810
six before we even got started. Yeah, right.

00:02:46.889 --> 00:02:49.169
I like had to write these down because so many

00:02:49.169 --> 00:02:53.409
happen. I'm going to share two. Perfect. Okay.

00:02:54.550 --> 00:02:57.949
Mom. Oh. We've been watching Daniel Tiger with

00:02:57.949 --> 00:03:00.349
my three -year -old and they're awesome for lessons.

00:03:00.969 --> 00:03:04.050
And one is on like calming down your anger. And

00:03:04.050 --> 00:03:06.250
there's a song that's like, when you're feeling

00:03:06.250 --> 00:03:08.449
mad and you want to roar, take a deep breath

00:03:08.449 --> 00:03:10.349
and count to four. One, two, three, four. And

00:03:10.349 --> 00:03:12.349
so we've been teaching Tripp that and it was

00:03:12.349 --> 00:03:15.629
like super effective for a while. And I cannot

00:03:15.629 --> 00:03:18.430
remember, I'm not trying to jump around this,

00:03:18.469 --> 00:03:20.750
but I genuinely can't remember what I got frustrated

00:03:20.750 --> 00:03:23.520
at the other day. But I just got frustrated,

00:03:23.780 --> 00:03:26.259
but I didn't yell or anything. I just, it was.

00:03:26.650 --> 00:03:29.250
It's kind of crazy how intuitive toddlers are.

00:03:29.349 --> 00:03:31.990
Because I was pretty calm and collected, but

00:03:31.990 --> 00:03:35.150
I was frustrated. And Tripp goes, remember that

00:03:35.150 --> 00:03:37.250
song, Mommy? When you're feeling mad and you

00:03:37.250 --> 00:03:39.210
want to roar, take a deep breath and count to

00:03:39.210 --> 00:03:42.189
four. And so I was like, oh my gosh, my three

00:03:42.189 --> 00:03:45.090
-year -old is regulating my emotions right now.

00:03:45.430 --> 00:03:48.330
That's horrible and amazing, but horrible. Because

00:03:48.330 --> 00:03:50.250
I was like, wow, I'm actually falling apart.

00:03:51.590 --> 00:03:55.560
But another funny thing that actually... We were

00:03:55.560 --> 00:03:57.900
teaching him the other day. Well, no, this was

00:03:57.900 --> 00:03:59.580
not the other day. This was during Easter time.

00:03:59.719 --> 00:04:02.620
He was asking questions about Jesus and the tomb

00:04:02.620 --> 00:04:05.039
and all this. And Connor was trying to tell him

00:04:05.039 --> 00:04:07.919
how Jesus is with us now. So he was just talking

00:04:07.919 --> 00:04:11.620
about Jesus is in our hearts. You know, that's

00:04:11.620 --> 00:04:14.759
what Connor ended up saying. And Trip. goes,

00:04:14.840 --> 00:04:17.540
yes, he's in my heart and in my penis and in

00:04:17.540 --> 00:04:27.500
my booty. We were like, well, yeah. I think little

00:04:27.500 --> 00:04:29.100
boys, like, I don't know if you guys have experienced

00:04:29.100 --> 00:04:31.920
this yet, but they're just obsessed with their

00:04:31.920 --> 00:04:35.600
penises. Yeah, yeah. Once it's discovered, I'm

00:04:35.600 --> 00:04:38.579
like, not everything is about your penis, buddy.

00:04:38.759 --> 00:04:41.290
But he, yeah. But I was like, that's very sweet

00:04:41.290 --> 00:04:42.870
and innocent. They were like, Jesus is with us.

00:04:42.870 --> 00:04:44.889
He's in our hearts. Yes. And in my penis and

00:04:44.889 --> 00:04:47.649
in my booty. We're like, oh. You're like, I can't

00:04:47.649 --> 00:04:50.449
tell you. I think it was a strong. I know. We

00:04:50.449 --> 00:04:52.170
just didn't say anything and just chuckled to

00:04:52.170 --> 00:04:54.189
each other. And we're like. That's one of those

00:04:54.189 --> 00:04:56.319
moments where you're like. making eye contact

00:04:56.319 --> 00:04:58.540
to try not to laugh you're like we'll laugh about

00:04:58.540 --> 00:05:00.699
this later because now we don't want to encourage

00:05:00.699 --> 00:05:03.899
this totally but it was also so sweet and innocent

00:05:03.899 --> 00:05:05.500
because we're like this must have been a really

00:05:05.500 --> 00:05:08.360
strong week of us talking about like anatomically

00:05:08.360 --> 00:05:10.699
correct parts or something you know because he

00:05:10.699 --> 00:05:13.819
was like really obsessed at the time yes with

00:05:13.819 --> 00:05:16.540
his with his parts but we're like that was sweet

00:05:16.540 --> 00:05:19.779
and innocent that's amazing so that was a few

00:05:19.779 --> 00:05:22.149
of mine but i have A lot more. We can come back

00:05:22.149 --> 00:05:23.889
to it. I know, right? Yeah, I always have to

00:05:23.889 --> 00:05:25.750
pick which one. I'm like, what am I actually

00:05:25.750 --> 00:05:27.889
going to share this week? Do you want to share

00:05:27.889 --> 00:05:32.389
yours? Sure. Yeah, so mine is... Lloyd is a little

00:05:32.389 --> 00:05:34.610
bit in a phase where he still loves his sister,

00:05:34.689 --> 00:05:36.750
but... We were talking about this before we started.

00:05:36.850 --> 00:05:39.149
Like, he likes to throw things at her and all

00:05:39.149 --> 00:05:41.649
the things. And this week, he just likes to crawl

00:05:41.649 --> 00:05:44.750
over her. And I don't really know if he, like,

00:05:44.769 --> 00:05:46.730
thinks this is, like, a sweet, playful thing

00:05:46.730 --> 00:05:50.189
or what. But, of course, she is 10 pounds and

00:05:50.189 --> 00:05:53.470
he is much bigger than that. Yeah. So, you know,

00:05:53.490 --> 00:05:55.509
I always, like, try to, like, redirect him. Like,

00:05:55.550 --> 00:05:57.649
you can sit next to her or whatever. But so he

00:05:57.649 --> 00:06:00.029
had, like, crawled over her and she got upset,

00:06:00.209 --> 00:06:03.310
obviously. And then immediately he tried to comfort

00:06:03.310 --> 00:06:06.560
her. It was really, really sweet, but also the

00:06:06.560 --> 00:06:09.920
duality of you being a big brother right now

00:06:09.920 --> 00:06:12.139
is you were hurting her, and then you were sad

00:06:12.139 --> 00:06:14.439
that she was hurt, and you want to comfort her

00:06:14.439 --> 00:06:18.259
because you're mad she's hurt. I mean, that's

00:06:18.259 --> 00:06:20.180
pretty much every day this week is something

00:06:20.180 --> 00:06:23.139
happens where he hurts her, and then he's trying

00:06:23.139 --> 00:06:25.240
to comfort her because he doesn't want her to

00:06:25.240 --> 00:06:28.000
be sad. Well, if it is encouraging at all, Colt

00:06:28.000 --> 00:06:30.399
does the exact same thing where he, like, he

00:06:30.399 --> 00:06:33.199
hits Cruz and then immediately signs, sorry,

00:06:33.379 --> 00:06:36.160
and is like, sorry, sorry, and then tries to

00:06:36.160 --> 00:06:38.399
find his Patsy and stick it in his mouth as hard

00:06:38.399 --> 00:06:42.620
as he possibly can. So, same, same. Yeah. And

00:06:42.620 --> 00:06:49.519
so relatable. Yeah. My mom moment is, so, I was...

00:06:49.850 --> 00:06:52.589
working from home which I started work this week

00:06:52.589 --> 00:06:56.389
which is a whole thing trying to balance taking

00:06:56.389 --> 00:07:00.170
care of kids working from home and so I had Cruz

00:07:00.170 --> 00:07:03.470
in the carrier and he fell asleep and I was like

00:07:03.470 --> 00:07:08.949
I have to pee so so bad and it was it was like

00:07:08.949 --> 00:07:11.569
in that moment I was like I'm not gonna I'm not

00:07:11.569 --> 00:07:14.209
gonna try to transfer him to like the bed or

00:07:14.209 --> 00:07:16.670
his bassinet or anything right now. I'm just

00:07:16.670 --> 00:07:18.850
going to, you know, I'm just going to try to

00:07:18.850 --> 00:07:21.850
keep him in the carrier and pee. And it just

00:07:21.850 --> 00:07:25.490
was, I mean, it's a difficult task. Yeah. As

00:07:25.490 --> 00:07:28.009
I'm sure maybe you guys know too. Yeah. Totally

00:07:28.009 --> 00:07:31.189
done it. Yeah. You have to. And it's like the

00:07:31.189 --> 00:07:35.709
angle. Oh, hi, cruisy. Yeah. It's like the angle

00:07:35.709 --> 00:07:38.870
of trying to, I don't know, pull your pants down

00:07:38.870 --> 00:07:41.990
and wipe and not wake up a baby. Yeah. Yeah.

00:07:42.410 --> 00:07:45.029
Not get his feet in the toilet if they're hanging

00:07:45.029 --> 00:07:49.509
out. Yeah. So that was my mom moment. It was

00:07:49.509 --> 00:07:53.750
funny and hilarious, but yeah. And just the reality

00:07:53.750 --> 00:07:57.910
of being a mom in a nutshell. Yes, exactly. But

00:07:57.910 --> 00:08:00.930
anyways, so grateful you're here, Ambry. I know

00:08:00.930 --> 00:08:03.970
you kind of like briefly touched on your family.

00:08:03.990 --> 00:08:07.290
You've got two kiddos and you're a stay -at -home

00:08:07.290 --> 00:08:11.920
mom. Tell us a little bit. more about like your

00:08:11.920 --> 00:08:14.980
pregnancies and how those went my pregnancies

00:08:14.980 --> 00:08:19.899
I mean like all in all were great I had huge

00:08:19.899 --> 00:08:23.459
babies and so I was uncomfortable but that didn't

00:08:23.459 --> 00:08:27.160
that did not compare to throwing up like people

00:08:27.160 --> 00:08:30.420
throwing up and all that no I actually had great

00:08:30.420 --> 00:08:33.210
pregnancies and I might be the person that believes

00:08:33.210 --> 00:08:35.090
that like, if you have great pregnancies, then

00:08:35.090 --> 00:08:37.429
you have a hard postpartum and vice versa. Like

00:08:37.429 --> 00:08:39.690
I've heard that joke, but I'm like, no, really

00:08:39.690 --> 00:08:42.169
I've had friends who have had miserable pregnancies

00:08:42.169 --> 00:08:45.690
and just blissful postpartums. And yeah, obviously

00:08:45.690 --> 00:08:49.129
that's a broad statement, but yeah, I would say

00:08:49.129 --> 00:08:54.049
I had pretty easy pregnancies to be honest. Yeah.

00:08:54.090 --> 00:08:58.470
Very exciting. Like with trip, we were my first,

00:08:58.509 --> 00:09:01.450
we were. trying we really wanted to get pregnant

00:09:01.450 --> 00:09:05.370
and we were very very grateful and felt very

00:09:05.370 --> 00:09:07.870
blessed that we were able to get pregnant relatively

00:09:07.870 --> 00:09:12.350
quickly so so I felt like even the journey in

00:09:12.350 --> 00:09:15.710
any time that any pregnant woman is just uncomfortable

00:09:15.710 --> 00:09:18.649
and hates being pregnant for a little bit I always

00:09:18.649 --> 00:09:21.809
remembered being like but this was an easy journey

00:09:21.809 --> 00:09:23.990
for us to get here like I can't complain kind

00:09:23.990 --> 00:09:28.360
of thing so that's kind of I mean, there's nothing

00:09:28.360 --> 00:09:30.019
more to share, really. They were pretty good.

00:09:30.159 --> 00:09:33.460
No, that's great. Was postpartum, so you said,

00:09:33.559 --> 00:09:36.440
okay, pregnancies were easy. Postpartum was not.

00:09:36.799 --> 00:09:39.440
Yeah, yeah. That's like my journey. Was it what

00:09:39.440 --> 00:09:44.039
you expected at all? No. No. I think that's where

00:09:44.039 --> 00:09:46.360
I kind of hurt myself, like kicked myself a little

00:09:46.360 --> 00:09:50.360
bit is I've wanted to be a mom truly my whole

00:09:50.360 --> 00:09:54.710
life. Like even in my singleness, I... was like

00:09:54.710 --> 00:09:57.789
man if I don't find somebody soon I might just

00:09:57.789 --> 00:10:00.610
like foster because I like this desire and this

00:10:00.610 --> 00:10:03.330
like pull and tug for me to be a mom is so strong

00:10:03.330 --> 00:10:06.389
I grew up with a single mom and so that could

00:10:06.389 --> 00:10:08.309
have been part of it is like all I've ever seen

00:10:08.309 --> 00:10:11.789
modeled like as a mom but with that I think along

00:10:11.789 --> 00:10:14.950
like comes with some brokenness too of like never

00:10:14.950 --> 00:10:17.129
seeing a very help never seeing a healthy marriage

00:10:17.129 --> 00:10:20.090
and a mother father thing so that's a different

00:10:20.090 --> 00:10:25.629
story but I expected kind of the bliss I saw

00:10:25.629 --> 00:10:28.549
my sister walk through her first and she was

00:10:28.549 --> 00:10:31.210
like the most perfect baby like I even she's

00:10:31.210 --> 00:10:33.429
like she was too perfect like she was just a

00:10:33.429 --> 00:10:39.149
good baby I mean slept well like was like saying

00:10:39.149 --> 00:10:44.789
words at 16 months I mean latched well for breastfeeding

00:10:44.789 --> 00:10:47.809
never had any issues with that like brenica was

00:10:47.809 --> 00:10:50.809
truly my sister was in blissful world so i think

00:10:50.809 --> 00:10:53.570
and i lived with her during that time so and

00:10:53.570 --> 00:10:56.470
i nannied my whole life nannying felt so easy

00:10:56.470 --> 00:10:58.769
and again this just tugged to be a mom was like

00:10:58.769 --> 00:11:02.470
this is gonna be kind of my thing yeah and so

00:11:02.470 --> 00:11:05.909
when that came crashing down like literally If

00:11:05.909 --> 00:11:08.389
I look back on it, like in the hospital, by the

00:11:08.389 --> 00:11:10.269
time I didn't think that, but in the hospital,

00:11:10.409 --> 00:11:13.590
it started, I would say it started with Tripp,

00:11:13.590 --> 00:11:16.269
my son having a hard time latching. And I was

00:11:16.269 --> 00:11:19.549
really motivated to breastfeed, like not all

00:11:19.549 --> 00:11:23.129
moms are. And I had, you know, my background

00:11:23.129 --> 00:11:26.389
is in nutrition, dietetics, and my most passionate

00:11:26.389 --> 00:11:29.649
class was prenatal nutrition. And so even in

00:11:29.649 --> 00:11:32.990
college, like... forever ago learning about that,

00:11:33.029 --> 00:11:35.470
I was like, oh my gosh, like I just became passionate

00:11:35.470 --> 00:11:38.029
about breastfeeding of all things. I wasn't even

00:11:38.029 --> 00:11:39.690
a mom yet. So I was just like, this is going

00:11:39.690 --> 00:11:42.309
to be easy. Like I know more about breastfeeding

00:11:42.309 --> 00:11:45.350
than other people going into it. I just had all

00:11:45.350 --> 00:11:48.129
of these, I guess like prideful thing, like where

00:11:48.129 --> 00:11:50.429
I was like, this, this is everything I've ever

00:11:50.429 --> 00:11:52.450
wanted. Like, it's going to be so good. And there's

00:11:52.450 --> 00:11:54.899
something about like. I don't know, breastfeeding

00:11:54.899 --> 00:11:56.740
in particular, where, like, it's the most natural

00:11:56.740 --> 00:11:59.639
thing in the world. So, like, what could be complicated

00:11:59.639 --> 00:12:01.899
about it? Right. Like, obviously, babies can

00:12:01.899 --> 00:12:04.620
come out. I know. They're going to latch. I don't,

00:12:04.620 --> 00:12:06.620
like, not even that I don't have to do anything,

00:12:06.700 --> 00:12:09.149
just, like. it's just how it works. Yes. You

00:12:09.149 --> 00:12:11.289
know, it's like breathing. Yes. And like if it

00:12:11.289 --> 00:12:13.629
hurts, it's just like you get past that pain

00:12:13.629 --> 00:12:15.210
because you just had a baby, you were in labor.

00:12:15.409 --> 00:12:17.570
I was just thinking like the pain doesn't really

00:12:17.570 --> 00:12:19.529
matter because like I'm feeding my baby. But

00:12:19.529 --> 00:12:21.269
it turns out like the pain is really painful

00:12:21.269 --> 00:12:24.460
like starting out and not actually like. I mean,

00:12:24.480 --> 00:12:27.220
at 2 a .m. when you, like, have mastitis and

00:12:27.220 --> 00:12:30.840
you have, like, a spiked 102 -degree fever and,

00:12:30.940 --> 00:12:33.700
like, it literally hurts to latch. Like, getting

00:12:33.700 --> 00:12:37.200
ready for them to latch, I remember just being,

00:12:37.299 --> 00:12:41.659
like, I'm crying before he's even latched. But

00:12:41.659 --> 00:12:44.340
he did not latch in the hospital. And it was

00:12:44.340 --> 00:12:47.299
instant, like, cortisol spike. Like, truly, I

00:12:47.299 --> 00:12:50.360
couldn't. Looking back on it, it almost feels

00:12:50.360 --> 00:12:53.389
silly to say. that I went into like this fight

00:12:53.389 --> 00:12:55.830
or flight because I obviously as a new mom, I

00:12:55.830 --> 00:12:59.269
was like, I have to feed my baby. And like truly

00:12:59.269 --> 00:13:01.830
there's a pressure to feed your baby because

00:13:01.830 --> 00:13:04.570
they're crying. And then also you have medical

00:13:04.570 --> 00:13:06.429
staff being like, we got to get this and we got

00:13:06.429 --> 00:13:08.049
to get this quick. And if you can't get it, you

00:13:08.049 --> 00:13:10.730
need to start pumping. So I was pumping and they

00:13:10.730 --> 00:13:12.190
were starting to give him bottles. And then I

00:13:12.190 --> 00:13:14.169
was like, oh no, he's only going to take bottles.

00:13:14.289 --> 00:13:17.049
I mean, I was already, this was like a few hours

00:13:17.049 --> 00:13:19.529
into it. So I was already like, he's already

00:13:19.529 --> 00:13:23.139
taking a bottle. And so I didn't realize like

00:13:23.139 --> 00:13:25.740
looking back and obviously with my second, it

00:13:25.740 --> 00:13:29.440
was so easy to breastfeed her. My boobs were

00:13:29.440 --> 00:13:33.639
fresh breastfed boobs, you know? So I think it

00:13:33.639 --> 00:13:36.179
was just so easy. And I don't know if that would

00:13:36.179 --> 00:13:38.139
have been my experience anyways with the first,

00:13:38.220 --> 00:13:40.620
but I'm just like, if it had been a little easier,

00:13:40.779 --> 00:13:43.159
I might've been able to like soak it in a little

00:13:43.159 --> 00:13:46.419
bit and like see him. But the hospital is pretty

00:13:46.419 --> 00:13:49.830
blurry. Like once Tripp got there, elated, I

00:13:49.830 --> 00:13:52.350
was in heaven. And as soon as breastfeeding started

00:13:52.350 --> 00:13:55.450
and like the struggle with it, it was truly like,

00:13:55.509 --> 00:13:58.309
oh, I'm like in fight or flight. As soon as they

00:13:58.309 --> 00:14:00.210
sent us home, I remember having anxiety about

00:14:00.210 --> 00:14:02.190
going home because I'm like, you guys are going

00:14:02.190 --> 00:14:04.389
to send me home and he's only latched once. And

00:14:04.389 --> 00:14:07.440
I remember, and there, you know. the doc, like

00:14:07.440 --> 00:14:08.879
they were just like, well, he's taking a bottle.

00:14:08.919 --> 00:14:10.740
Well, and essentially saying like, you can form

00:14:10.740 --> 00:14:12.960
your feet. There's options, but I'm telling you

00:14:12.960 --> 00:14:15.559
like now I like with Quinn, I was like, if it

00:14:15.559 --> 00:14:17.840
goes bad, I'm giving her a bottle because I knew

00:14:17.840 --> 00:14:19.840
now what I didn't know then, which was like,

00:14:19.879 --> 00:14:22.340
it's not worth my mental health. Yeah. But at

00:14:22.340 --> 00:14:24.700
that time, again, like my all in all my everything

00:14:24.700 --> 00:14:27.740
was I'm going to breastfeed this baby. And so,

00:14:27.759 --> 00:14:31.889
and So I was putting my heart and soul into that.

00:14:32.090 --> 00:14:34.370
I came home and they're like, you know, you probably

00:14:34.370 --> 00:14:36.049
need to connect to the lactation consultant.

00:14:36.690 --> 00:14:39.090
As soon as I came home, I was like, I don't know

00:14:39.090 --> 00:14:40.850
how to find a lactation consultant. Tation can,

00:14:40.950 --> 00:14:43.090
who, how do you find that? And then is it, does

00:14:43.090 --> 00:14:45.429
insurance cover it? And then I was looking at

00:14:45.429 --> 00:14:47.889
the pump that I had that I didn't at the hospital

00:14:47.889 --> 00:14:50.309
they did for me. And I was like, oh, I have it

00:14:50.309 --> 00:14:52.450
in the box. I haven't even unboxed it. I don't

00:14:52.450 --> 00:14:55.450
even know how to work it. So literally, and mind

00:14:55.450 --> 00:14:59.610
you, Trip is crying. And mind you, Trip ended

00:14:59.610 --> 00:15:02.789
up being a colicky baby. So he was crying all

00:15:02.789 --> 00:15:06.149
the time. And so he was screaming. I had my brother

00:15:06.149 --> 00:15:08.370
-in -law and my sister there of all people. And

00:15:08.370 --> 00:15:10.029
my brother -in -law was holding Tripp while he

00:15:10.029 --> 00:15:12.149
was screaming. But that was very stressful as

00:15:12.149 --> 00:15:13.529
a first -time mom because I knew he was hungry.

00:15:13.990 --> 00:15:16.950
And I didn't have a supply yet. My milk hadn't

00:15:16.950 --> 00:15:19.929
even come in. But I was like, someone take this

00:15:19.929 --> 00:15:21.730
out of the box and help me figure it out. And

00:15:21.730 --> 00:15:24.250
I was on YouTube looking up how to work my LV

00:15:24.250 --> 00:15:26.809
pump. Like literally, and this is the time where

00:15:26.809 --> 00:15:28.870
I was picturing, I would take my baby home and

00:15:28.870 --> 00:15:31.190
hold it on my chest. That's like really what

00:15:31.190 --> 00:15:33.149
I was picturing. And then, oh, he's hungry. I'm

00:15:33.149 --> 00:15:36.250
going to latch. And then I was like, Connor,

00:15:36.370 --> 00:15:38.450
you need to call. I don't even know. Look through

00:15:38.450 --> 00:15:41.649
this huge hospital folder that they sent us home

00:15:41.649 --> 00:15:44.610
with and look for a lactation number. I don't

00:15:44.610 --> 00:15:46.649
even know if I was communicating all this the

00:15:46.649 --> 00:15:49.230
way I'm communicating now. I think everyone was

00:15:49.230 --> 00:15:52.789
sensing like. like Ambry's not doing well right

00:15:52.789 --> 00:15:54.990
now. And someone, what do we need to do? And

00:15:54.990 --> 00:15:56.769
at the time it was like, you need to make trip

00:15:56.769 --> 00:15:59.409
to stop crying. But I was like, but he needs

00:15:59.409 --> 00:16:02.370
me. And all I was doing was like, I need to find

00:16:02.370 --> 00:16:04.649
my pump. I need to find my pump. And so that

00:16:04.649 --> 00:16:08.190
began our very long, very difficult journey of

00:16:08.190 --> 00:16:10.690
trying to get my son to breastfeed, which I'm

00:16:10.690 --> 00:16:14.970
grateful to say was like the hardest road ever.

00:16:15.129 --> 00:16:17.789
I mean, it's like under talked about, I think.

00:16:18.579 --> 00:16:21.000
If you really try to stick it out when it's hard,

00:16:21.139 --> 00:16:25.179
but it was Connor waking up when Tripp would

00:16:25.179 --> 00:16:28.860
wake up with me. I would pump while Connor would

00:16:28.860 --> 00:16:31.340
give him a bottle. So that would happen first.

00:16:31.399 --> 00:16:34.500
I remember getting teary eyed looking at him

00:16:34.500 --> 00:16:37.379
because again, like everything in my nature wanted

00:16:37.379 --> 00:16:40.340
to feed my baby. And in that moment, I, again,

00:16:40.340 --> 00:16:42.379
with my second, I would be like, thank you Connor

00:16:42.379 --> 00:16:44.740
for feeding, you know, giving her a bottle. But

00:16:44.740 --> 00:16:47.059
with Tripp, I was like, I feel like a cow. I'm

00:16:47.059 --> 00:16:49.240
pumping my boobs and you're feeding my baby.

00:16:49.360 --> 00:16:52.679
And everything in your motherhood is like, give

00:16:52.679 --> 00:16:56.059
me my baby. And I couldn't. So already I think

00:16:56.059 --> 00:16:57.980
there was these forming of narratives of like,

00:16:58.019 --> 00:17:00.659
you can't do it and you're not enough kind of

00:17:00.659 --> 00:17:03.980
thing without me realizing it. And then I got

00:17:03.980 --> 00:17:07.099
help and I had to use a nipple shield if everyone

00:17:07.099 --> 00:17:10.240
here knows about it. And literally Connor had

00:17:10.240 --> 00:17:12.000
to wake up in the middle of the night, every

00:17:12.000 --> 00:17:15.519
feeding. I would pump. He would get a syringe.

00:17:15.700 --> 00:17:18.200
We would put it in the bottle. Connor would syringe

00:17:18.200 --> 00:17:20.500
milk into the nipple shield while Tripp was on

00:17:20.500 --> 00:17:22.960
my boob. And that was our feedings for two and

00:17:22.960 --> 00:17:24.819
a half, three months. So your baby's four months.

00:17:24.900 --> 00:17:27.200
So for three months, we did that for every feeding.

00:17:27.440 --> 00:17:29.960
Wow. Except for when Connor went back to work

00:17:29.960 --> 00:17:32.319
and I was syringing milk while I was holding

00:17:32.319 --> 00:17:35.099
him. So I was two hands at all times for 30 minutes.

00:17:36.140 --> 00:17:38.420
And I remember like having back problems just

00:17:38.420 --> 00:17:41.140
because of the position of like literally holding

00:17:41.140 --> 00:17:42.759
him. Because if you get a latch, it was like

00:17:42.759 --> 00:17:45.140
don't move a muscle. Yeah. And as soon as it'd

00:17:45.140 --> 00:17:47.279
be done, I'd be like the tension in my back.

00:17:47.400 --> 00:17:51.299
I couldn't drink water. He was so colicky that

00:17:51.299 --> 00:17:53.599
like I'm watching your sweet little boy sleeping

00:17:53.599 --> 00:17:55.619
on you right now. It was like Trip would go from

00:17:55.619 --> 00:17:58.740
that to literally a hundred like scream crying

00:17:58.740 --> 00:18:01.279
because it turns out he had GERD, I think, or

00:18:01.279 --> 00:18:04.059
I don't know. So he would have a burp and he

00:18:04.059 --> 00:18:07.220
would get stuck. wake up with it and so I would

00:18:07.220 --> 00:18:09.680
shriek I would have like a visceral reaction

00:18:09.680 --> 00:18:13.700
to like he's awake and so I would feel truly

00:18:13.700 --> 00:18:16.619
nap trapped like again with my second carried

00:18:16.619 --> 00:18:19.460
her everywhere to go get my water with trip it

00:18:19.460 --> 00:18:22.779
was like okay he's on me I am here forever if

00:18:22.779 --> 00:18:25.559
I wanted my phone it's gone if I wanted my water

00:18:25.559 --> 00:18:28.880
don't have it if I need to eat can't do it and

00:18:28.880 --> 00:18:32.869
I would stay on the couch literally in my spiraling

00:18:32.869 --> 00:18:35.450
thoughts. And I would sit and hold this baby

00:18:35.450 --> 00:18:39.069
that felt almost foreign to me. And that's the

00:18:39.069 --> 00:18:44.569
part that's hard to share because, but I think

00:18:44.569 --> 00:18:46.369
that's a big part of what we're going to talk

00:18:46.369 --> 00:18:49.890
about here is like, now that I know what I was

00:18:49.890 --> 00:18:52.809
experiencing, I think I'm just talking about

00:18:52.809 --> 00:18:55.089
the snowball right now, but what I really ended

00:18:55.089 --> 00:18:58.579
up experiencing was true. deep anxiety to depression.

00:18:59.079 --> 00:19:02.079
When you say postpartum depression, it's one

00:19:02.079 --> 00:19:04.500
in the same with anxiety, I think. Like I would

00:19:04.500 --> 00:19:07.700
have the anxious thought, but the anxiety wasn't

00:19:07.700 --> 00:19:12.440
new to me. But the feelings of feeling emotionally

00:19:12.440 --> 00:19:16.819
stuck were like, I am truly like depressed. And

00:19:16.819 --> 00:19:19.980
I remember like one of the six week postpartum

00:19:19.980 --> 00:19:21.859
questions was like, do you have the feeling of

00:19:21.859 --> 00:19:24.220
not wanting to get out of bed? And I remember

00:19:24.220 --> 00:19:27.119
just being like, well, yeah. What? But I have

00:19:27.119 --> 00:19:29.859
a baby. I remember being angry at that for some

00:19:29.859 --> 00:19:33.440
reason. Like, what the frick? Like, if I had

00:19:33.440 --> 00:19:36.920
the choice, I would never get out of bed. And

00:19:36.920 --> 00:19:39.380
I'm like, I was like, how could you ask a mom

00:19:39.380 --> 00:19:42.559
that? And then I was like, oh, I think some moms

00:19:42.559 --> 00:19:45.920
don't get out of bed. And I started to understand

00:19:45.920 --> 00:19:51.220
how moms could treat their babies poorly or neglect

00:19:51.220 --> 00:19:54.279
their babies. I never, ever wanted to. or treat

00:19:54.279 --> 00:19:57.319
themselves poorly, like hurt themselves. I never

00:19:57.319 --> 00:20:00.180
had those thoughts. I never like truly went to

00:20:00.180 --> 00:20:04.720
a place of wanting to hurt myself. But I began

00:20:04.720 --> 00:20:09.359
to, it was almost like a gift, like in a grace

00:20:09.359 --> 00:20:12.720
of God that he would let me see like the brokenness

00:20:12.720 --> 00:20:15.039
that actually exists postpartum that there needs

00:20:15.039 --> 00:20:17.599
to, like I have such a passion for it because

00:20:17.599 --> 00:20:21.160
I was like. oh no, really good moms who want

00:20:21.160 --> 00:20:22.599
to show up for their kids. They're not doing

00:20:22.599 --> 00:20:25.859
drugs and stuff. I knew in my head I was a good

00:20:25.859 --> 00:20:28.960
mom. But everything externally and everything

00:20:28.960 --> 00:20:32.599
I was showing up, all of my emotional everything

00:20:32.599 --> 00:20:35.680
was like, you're actually really bad at this.

00:20:35.720 --> 00:20:38.400
You're actually not. And I had thoughts of like,

00:20:38.579 --> 00:20:42.900
Tripp deserves better. And maybe you should just

00:20:42.900 --> 00:20:45.519
leave him. at home with a name. Like you shouldn't,

00:20:45.519 --> 00:20:47.779
you shouldn't stay home. You're dangerous to

00:20:47.779 --> 00:20:50.299
him. Like he's not going to serve. You can't

00:20:50.299 --> 00:20:53.339
even feed him. I mean, like talk about the spiral.

00:20:53.559 --> 00:20:57.700
It was truly out of control. So I went to a really

00:20:57.700 --> 00:21:00.839
dark place and I, and then when Connor back to

00:21:00.839 --> 00:21:03.680
work, I was alone to those thoughts. And I realized

00:21:03.680 --> 00:21:05.900
I didn't really have many mom friends besides

00:21:05.900 --> 00:21:09.960
Janessa Swatsky, who we had babies at the same

00:21:09.960 --> 00:21:12.099
time. And she worked with me at Flatirons and

00:21:12.099 --> 00:21:15.839
honestly, like, the biggest gift from God in

00:21:15.839 --> 00:21:17.960
any season but especially motherhood is community

00:21:17.960 --> 00:21:20.720
like you have to be doing it you have to be doing

00:21:20.720 --> 00:21:22.759
it with people especially in your stage like

00:21:22.759 --> 00:21:25.160
even you two right here I'm like it's so cool

00:21:25.160 --> 00:21:28.119
you guys have each other but she became like

00:21:28.119 --> 00:21:31.299
my guiding light because I was watching her with

00:21:31.299 --> 00:21:34.339
her third just not care as much about things

00:21:34.339 --> 00:21:36.819
that I cared about and like let her baby cry

00:21:36.819 --> 00:21:39.539
without having the visceral response and it was

00:21:39.539 --> 00:21:42.039
just like this grace to me to be able to watch

00:21:42.039 --> 00:21:46.789
like okay, your baby can cry, you know, or just

00:21:46.789 --> 00:21:49.609
like, I know he's going to be okay if I set him

00:21:49.609 --> 00:21:52.630
down. And I, but, but everything, this is when

00:21:52.630 --> 00:21:55.569
I knew I was really struggling. Everything felt

00:21:55.569 --> 00:21:59.789
so big and it was small, but everything was a

00:21:59.789 --> 00:22:02.970
weight. Everything was a pressure. And by the

00:22:02.970 --> 00:22:07.410
time Connor got home, I, most days, I'm not exaggerating.

00:22:07.410 --> 00:22:10.200
Most days I hadn't brushed my teeth yet. Um,

00:22:10.359 --> 00:22:13.200
most days I remember I dropped weight with trip

00:22:13.200 --> 00:22:16.279
really dangerously quickly and everyone, you

00:22:16.279 --> 00:22:19.539
know, it was like, wow, you look great. And now

00:22:19.539 --> 00:22:22.039
that I have a healthy weight still for my second

00:22:22.039 --> 00:22:25.220
born, I'm like, oh, that was so unhealthy. I

00:22:25.220 --> 00:22:29.039
actually was, wasn't eating and, but not, but

00:22:29.039 --> 00:22:31.720
not on purpose. It's not purpose. I wanted, I

00:22:31.720 --> 00:22:34.640
was very hungry, but I was eating my baby. I

00:22:34.640 --> 00:22:38.549
couldn't. Yeah. And even my. And even that's

00:22:38.549 --> 00:22:41.269
when food became really stressful to me. It's

00:22:41.269 --> 00:22:44.309
still kind of one of my hills. I have to cook

00:22:44.309 --> 00:22:47.049
dinner. I didn't have capacity to think about

00:22:47.049 --> 00:22:49.970
brushing my teeth. So I'm like, I have to make

00:22:49.970 --> 00:22:52.450
food. And then all of a sudden my baby started

00:22:52.450 --> 00:22:54.769
eating solids and now I have to make food for

00:22:54.769 --> 00:23:01.039
him. I mean, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. Well,

00:23:01.039 --> 00:23:03.680
I think like as you talk, a lot of the things

00:23:03.680 --> 00:23:05.759
that you're like neglecting with yourself, even

00:23:05.759 --> 00:23:08.220
just like drinking water and eating and brushing

00:23:08.220 --> 00:23:11.059
your teeth are all things that help you help

00:23:11.059 --> 00:23:13.940
your mental health. Like we know that the things

00:23:13.940 --> 00:23:16.640
that I know specifically about postpartum depression

00:23:16.640 --> 00:23:20.460
and anxiety is how much you eat. can affect that

00:23:20.460 --> 00:23:22.759
so deeply yeah that's like okay if you're already

00:23:22.759 --> 00:23:25.079
like a little bit there or a lot of it there

00:23:25.079 --> 00:23:27.440
and then you start neglecting these other things

00:23:27.440 --> 00:23:30.359
then all of a sudden this snowball just gets

00:23:30.359 --> 00:23:33.220
so much bigger so much faster totally because

00:23:33.220 --> 00:23:37.519
things that are like physical that make it worse

00:23:37.519 --> 00:23:39.839
are the things that you're neglecting totally

00:23:39.839 --> 00:23:44.779
or the things like no 100 but see now how i would

00:23:44.779 --> 00:23:49.440
show up for moms like And yes, I was neglecting

00:23:49.440 --> 00:23:51.660
it because like with my second, I found time

00:23:51.660 --> 00:23:57.440
to do it and prioritize myself. But then it didn't

00:23:57.440 --> 00:24:00.259
feel like I was like to say I was neglecting

00:24:00.259 --> 00:24:02.539
it. The time would have like spiraled me deeper

00:24:02.539 --> 00:24:06.079
into shame. It was more like I need someone to

00:24:06.079 --> 00:24:08.279
do for me what I'm not able to do for myself.

00:24:08.339 --> 00:24:11.160
But to ask for that or to go to a place of like.

00:24:11.470 --> 00:24:13.589
is that really what's going? I mean, I truly

00:24:13.589 --> 00:24:14.950
didn't even call it depressed. I didn't even

00:24:14.950 --> 00:24:16.430
know I was depressed because you're just still

00:24:16.430 --> 00:24:18.970
showing up. I remember talking to my counselor

00:24:18.970 --> 00:24:21.789
when I finally went to counseling. I mean, I

00:24:21.789 --> 00:24:24.150
don't know at what point I went to a counseling

00:24:24.150 --> 00:24:27.970
session. Because I was literally trapped in my

00:24:27.970 --> 00:24:30.950
house. Like when I see moms, new moms now out

00:24:30.950 --> 00:24:32.890
and about in the first few months, I'm always

00:24:32.890 --> 00:24:36.049
like, you're doing a great job. I don't think

00:24:36.049 --> 00:24:39.230
I left my house. And if I did, it was an anxious

00:24:39.230 --> 00:24:41.549
drive to Starbucks and it's anxious drive back

00:24:41.549 --> 00:24:43.829
because I would come home to trip screaming.

00:24:44.319 --> 00:24:47.039
It was just for me to get a coffee. And I wasn't

00:24:47.039 --> 00:24:48.400
even drinking coffee because I thought he was

00:24:48.400 --> 00:24:50.920
sensitive to coffee. So I cut out dairy. I cut

00:24:50.920 --> 00:24:55.000
out coffee. I cut out beans. I cut out cruciferous

00:24:55.000 --> 00:24:57.400
vegetables. I cut out all these things that I

00:24:57.400 --> 00:25:01.019
thought was affecting his tummy issues. And I

00:25:01.019 --> 00:25:03.720
mean, it's kind of crazy talking about that only

00:25:03.720 --> 00:25:07.019
in hindsight, right? But I told my counselor,

00:25:07.140 --> 00:25:11.519
backing up, sorry. I was like, my biggest value

00:25:11.519 --> 00:25:14.410
in life is being authentic. you guys know me,

00:25:14.450 --> 00:25:16.349
I think well enough to know that I'm pretty much

00:25:16.349 --> 00:25:19.410
like, I tell you what's, I tell you what's up.

00:25:19.490 --> 00:25:24.329
I just, I value, yes, I value authenticity. And

00:25:24.329 --> 00:25:27.390
I said, I feel the most inauthentic I felt in

00:25:27.390 --> 00:25:30.829
my life because I'm still showing up. I was like,

00:25:30.910 --> 00:25:33.990
I'm, I am going to events now and I'm smiling

00:25:33.990 --> 00:25:37.069
and I'm having a good time. I think I remember

00:25:37.069 --> 00:25:41.069
saying, I think, and I'm, I'm all these things,

00:25:41.130 --> 00:25:44.710
but nobody sees me inside. nobody sees me I'm

00:25:44.710 --> 00:25:48.210
still showing up and I've never felt so disconnected

00:25:48.210 --> 00:25:51.609
from myself never it is truly like an out -of

00:25:51.609 --> 00:25:53.529
-body experience where I can like see myself

00:25:53.529 --> 00:25:55.990
showing up at a party and see myself showing

00:25:55.990 --> 00:25:58.269
up to the brewery and I'm watching myself being

00:25:58.269 --> 00:26:01.769
like that's not where you are and I was in the

00:26:01.769 --> 00:26:04.269
hole like I was truly in the you need to dig

00:26:04.269 --> 00:26:05.630
yourself out of the hole I was showing up to

00:26:05.630 --> 00:26:09.940
work not passionate anymore like just not I couldn't

00:26:09.940 --> 00:26:12.980
I didn't have the energy I didn't even have a

00:26:12.980 --> 00:26:15.900
bone in my body that could be like fully present

00:26:15.900 --> 00:26:19.339
at work because a my baby was at home who I loved

00:26:19.339 --> 00:26:22.599
and missed but also who was causing all of the

00:26:22.599 --> 00:26:27.920
new anxiety in my life so I was just I wasn't

00:26:27.920 --> 00:26:30.920
present and my counselor I'll never forget she

00:26:30.920 --> 00:26:33.839
was just like well Ambry and this is hard to

00:26:33.839 --> 00:26:36.180
hear but she was like that doesn't surprise me

00:26:36.180 --> 00:26:38.700
at all there's people unfortunately this is a

00:26:38.700 --> 00:26:40.839
fortunate reality but we live in a world where

00:26:40.839 --> 00:26:43.339
there's someone standing next to you at a grocery

00:26:43.339 --> 00:26:46.220
store who's contemplating suicide that day wow

00:26:46.220 --> 00:26:48.759
yeah right so she's like that's just the people

00:26:48.759 --> 00:26:52.099
show up every day it's survival it's the way

00:26:52.099 --> 00:26:55.440
that we were made like it's out of design so

00:26:55.440 --> 00:26:57.500
it doesn't mean you're being inauthentic you

00:26:57.500 --> 00:27:00.269
know but we just kind of talk through like Because

00:27:00.269 --> 00:27:02.289
sometimes when you do show up authentically,

00:27:02.369 --> 00:27:05.930
when you're feeling depressed in postpartum specifically,

00:27:06.210 --> 00:27:08.309
I realize, not just depressed in life, because

00:27:08.309 --> 00:27:10.549
as soon as you have a baby now, all of a sudden

00:27:10.549 --> 00:27:13.829
you get authentic about your depression and the

00:27:13.829 --> 00:27:15.769
fear that other people will think, A, you're

00:27:15.769 --> 00:27:18.049
a bad mom or B, you don't like your kid is all

00:27:18.049 --> 00:27:20.029
of a sudden there. If you're just depressed in

00:27:20.029 --> 00:27:22.569
life, it could be affiliated or associated with

00:27:22.569 --> 00:27:26.190
any other contextual thing that like everyone's

00:27:26.190 --> 00:27:28.569
like, I get it. Oh, like that's so low. all of

00:27:28.569 --> 00:27:30.430
a sudden for you to be vulnerable enough to say,

00:27:30.490 --> 00:27:33.470
this is my struggle. And people who honestly

00:27:33.470 --> 00:27:36.150
are in bliss with their baby, they cannot understand

00:27:36.150 --> 00:27:38.589
it, of course, because that's how it should be.

00:27:38.829 --> 00:27:43.049
But also, all of a sudden, my anxiety, depression

00:27:43.049 --> 00:27:46.529
is tied to this kid who I love. How can those

00:27:46.529 --> 00:27:49.670
two things exist? I mean, how can I hold this

00:27:49.670 --> 00:27:52.990
much spiraling in my mind, this much sadness

00:27:52.990 --> 00:27:56.789
and sorrow and joy for my kid? And so to admit

00:27:56.789 --> 00:28:00.150
you're struggling, felt like for me that I was

00:28:00.150 --> 00:28:02.470
admitting I didn't like to be a mom but that

00:28:02.470 --> 00:28:05.750
wasn't true or it was like admitting Tripp is

00:28:05.750 --> 00:28:07.490
so hard and I don't like him and I try to be

00:28:07.490 --> 00:28:10.670
really careful Tripp has been challenging was

00:28:10.670 --> 00:28:12.690
a challenging baby because he was so he cried

00:28:12.690 --> 00:28:14.950
so much but I try to be really careful about

00:28:14.950 --> 00:28:18.269
saying that he's hard because I'm like I think

00:28:18.269 --> 00:28:20.549
Tripp I think he's just a kid I think he's a

00:28:20.549 --> 00:28:24.490
toddler right now but it was truly how how I

00:28:24.490 --> 00:28:27.779
was experiencing it so Obviously, there's so

00:28:27.779 --> 00:28:29.079
much there. So I don't know if you guys have

00:28:29.079 --> 00:28:31.359
heard anything. Well, I think one of the things

00:28:31.359 --> 00:28:33.900
I've noticed and like one thing Stuart and I

00:28:33.900 --> 00:28:36.980
talked about prior to even starting the podcast

00:28:36.980 --> 00:28:40.059
is how weird it is with how people talk about

00:28:40.059 --> 00:28:42.519
parenting and motherhood in particular compared

00:28:42.519 --> 00:28:44.539
to everything else. And I've probably said this

00:28:44.539 --> 00:28:47.859
on here before, but it's like if you admit that

00:28:47.859 --> 00:28:50.339
you're having a hard time with motherhood, it.

00:28:50.730 --> 00:28:52.609
like the assumption is that like you hate your

00:28:52.609 --> 00:28:54.730
kid. We're like, that is, that couldn't be further

00:28:54.730 --> 00:28:57.410
from the truth. But there's so many other things

00:28:57.410 --> 00:29:00.150
where it's like, if you go to law school, if

00:29:00.150 --> 00:29:02.990
you are starting a business, if you know, there's

00:29:02.990 --> 00:29:05.450
a thousand other things in life that if you're

00:29:05.450 --> 00:29:07.730
like, listen, I'm, you know, I'm in college and

00:29:07.730 --> 00:29:09.890
I'm having a really tough time. People are like,

00:29:09.930 --> 00:29:13.049
yeah, college is hard. Like, you know, if again,

00:29:13.150 --> 00:29:14.730
if you're starting a business and we're like

00:29:14.730 --> 00:29:17.130
building your business, that that's really challenging

00:29:17.130 --> 00:29:18.950
and it's frustrating at times, you know, no one's

00:29:18.950 --> 00:29:21.410
like, well, Maybe you're just a bad business

00:29:21.410 --> 00:29:23.430
owner. You know, it's like, no, that's just things

00:29:23.430 --> 00:29:26.670
are hard. Life is hard. And, but as soon as that

00:29:26.670 --> 00:29:29.170
comes up with motherhood, it's like, oh yeah.

00:29:29.250 --> 00:29:30.849
You know, there's like a stigma to it, which

00:29:30.849 --> 00:29:33.470
is so silly. Cause it's like one of the most

00:29:33.470 --> 00:29:36.450
important things we do. Totally. But yeah, it's,

00:29:36.450 --> 00:29:39.150
and yeah, there, even if you have an amazing

00:29:39.150 --> 00:29:42.140
kid, you have days that are just like. Oh, that

00:29:42.140 --> 00:29:44.420
was, that took it out of me. So I think you have

00:29:44.420 --> 00:29:47.839
like the motherhood experience, which is what

00:29:47.839 --> 00:29:50.339
you just talked about. Like the mental load you

00:29:50.339 --> 00:29:52.940
carry, like right now the, you're having to anticipate

00:29:52.940 --> 00:29:56.440
going back to work and the childcare and the

00:29:56.440 --> 00:29:58.720
prepping of the meals. If you do that part, like

00:29:58.720 --> 00:30:02.539
the mental load and the job, quote unquote, like

00:30:02.539 --> 00:30:05.400
the job of motherhood and mothering your kids.

00:30:05.400 --> 00:30:08.519
And even the pressure of like, raising them up

00:30:08.519 --> 00:30:11.839
right and like what am I doing on a daily basis

00:30:11.839 --> 00:30:14.519
that's instilling anything of value to them so

00:30:14.519 --> 00:30:17.500
there's like this experience of motherhood and

00:30:17.500 --> 00:30:20.079
then there's just like your kids you know like

00:30:20.799 --> 00:30:25.160
as, as, as people and how, so talking about,

00:30:25.180 --> 00:30:27.420
sometimes I'm like the experience of motherhood

00:30:27.420 --> 00:30:29.880
is challenging. And I feel like you could talk,

00:30:29.920 --> 00:30:31.859
you're right. Like there's this stigma that,

00:30:31.880 --> 00:30:34.460
that, that job in and of itself can't be challenging,

00:30:34.519 --> 00:30:37.359
but then talking about like, man, I'm really

00:30:37.359 --> 00:30:40.480
struggling with potty train trip, you know, and

00:30:40.480 --> 00:30:44.809
how he's whatever X, Y, and Z it like that. that's

00:30:44.809 --> 00:30:47.809
now like a person and that's as an individual,

00:30:47.930 --> 00:30:50.329
as an individual. And I'm not trying, and he's

00:30:50.329 --> 00:30:52.910
a toddler who needs guidance and who needs a

00:30:52.910 --> 00:30:55.589
mother, but that there doesn't, there's no safe

00:30:55.589 --> 00:30:58.829
space to talk about like a challenging experience

00:30:58.829 --> 00:31:01.250
with a kid. You know what I mean? Cause I'm like,

00:31:01.250 --> 00:31:03.730
it's one in the same. I'm talking about the same

00:31:03.730 --> 00:31:05.769
thing essentially. Like, but it's also almost

00:31:05.769 --> 00:31:08.769
like, like how do you say this kid is kind of

00:31:08.769 --> 00:31:11.980
hard. But motherhood is so therefore motherhood

00:31:11.980 --> 00:31:14.180
is hard. Yeah. Well, I think it's almost like

00:31:14.180 --> 00:31:15.920
we're talking about it as a job where it's like

00:31:15.920 --> 00:31:18.200
motherhood, the job is hard. It's beautiful.

00:31:18.299 --> 00:31:20.779
It's amazing. It's hard. And then your kids almost

00:31:20.779 --> 00:31:23.519
like your coworker that also you are training

00:31:23.519 --> 00:31:25.259
because they're not, you know, they're still

00:31:25.259 --> 00:31:27.180
learning to become a human. Yeah. So it's like,

00:31:27.200 --> 00:31:30.319
yeah, sometimes you have coworkers who are just

00:31:30.319 --> 00:31:32.779
great. And you, you know, you never have to correct

00:31:32.779 --> 00:31:34.119
them or complain to your boss. And then you have

00:31:34.119 --> 00:31:36.259
other coworkers who every single day you have

00:31:36.259 --> 00:31:39.539
to remind yourself they are human. Yeah. And

00:31:39.539 --> 00:31:41.480
that's kind of what it is with your kids where

00:31:41.480 --> 00:31:43.500
it's like, and some days are good and some days

00:31:43.500 --> 00:31:46.200
are bad. And it's a job you can't quit. You can't

00:31:46.200 --> 00:31:48.359
quit it. I mean, some people do, but. And it's

00:31:48.359 --> 00:31:51.400
so important. Like we all have parent issues,

00:31:51.559 --> 00:31:53.480
like even if we have the best parents. So it's

00:31:53.480 --> 00:31:55.619
just like, you just realize now like, oh, it

00:31:55.619 --> 00:31:57.660
actually, it really matters. Like the day in,

00:31:57.680 --> 00:32:00.970
day out matter, which I think. is important.

00:32:01.109 --> 00:32:03.930
But also when I was really stuck, that thought

00:32:03.930 --> 00:32:06.710
alone spiraled me into depression because I was

00:32:06.710 --> 00:32:08.230
like, okay, every day matters. They get one day

00:32:08.230 --> 00:32:12.150
wrong. Yeah. The pressure, the perfection. I

00:32:12.150 --> 00:32:15.609
think I've heard it said that if you had a friend

00:32:15.609 --> 00:32:19.589
in your life who was that naggy, who needed that

00:32:19.589 --> 00:32:22.369
much from you that consistently, and who also

00:32:22.369 --> 00:32:25.190
was knocking on your door all hours of the night,

00:32:25.640 --> 00:32:28.420
you would defriend them. For sure. You would

00:32:28.420 --> 00:32:31.519
literally put boundaries up. And so we're supposed

00:32:31.519 --> 00:32:34.819
to love it all the time, but you can also not

00:32:34.819 --> 00:32:38.640
like that experience of it because that's really

00:32:38.640 --> 00:32:41.900
hard. But that doesn't – I've just been able

00:32:41.900 --> 00:32:44.380
now to grow in my understanding of like I can

00:32:44.380 --> 00:32:46.359
hold those two things in tension. I've never

00:32:46.359 --> 00:32:48.799
not in one day of my life not loved my kids,

00:32:48.960 --> 00:32:52.640
not once. Even in my darkest, deepest hole, I

00:32:52.640 --> 00:32:56.440
remember not feeling love, and that – is where

00:32:56.440 --> 00:33:00.799
I could cry. That is where I was like, what's

00:33:00.799 --> 00:33:04.259
wrong with me? Like truly crying out to the Lord.

00:33:04.319 --> 00:33:07.299
Like I was sick to my stomach because I was like,

00:33:07.339 --> 00:33:10.400
I need to feel the feeling. And looking back

00:33:10.400 --> 00:33:13.140
on it, I was like, my body was trying to keep

00:33:13.140 --> 00:33:16.160
myself alive and then this baby alive. So I was

00:33:16.160 --> 00:33:20.160
truly in survival. And so I remember the first

00:33:20.160 --> 00:33:23.339
time I felt love. for a trip outside of that

00:33:23.339 --> 00:33:25.920
hospital experience, like outside of him being

00:33:25.920 --> 00:33:30.440
born. But I've never not, like everything I even

00:33:30.440 --> 00:33:33.000
did up till that point was out of love, you know,

00:33:33.000 --> 00:33:35.160
it was like everything in me is still showing

00:33:35.160 --> 00:33:37.660
up. So I think just holding that, like the grace

00:33:37.660 --> 00:33:40.700
I've had to give myself to be like, this has

00:33:40.700 --> 00:33:44.720
been hard because I love him and I wouldn't,

00:33:44.720 --> 00:33:47.359
I wouldn't change it. And it wouldn't be as hard

00:33:47.359 --> 00:33:49.720
if you didn't love him. It's part of it, right?

00:33:49.859 --> 00:33:52.299
If it's someone you don't love, then you can

00:33:52.299 --> 00:33:55.180
just write it off. Right. But when it's someone

00:33:55.180 --> 00:33:57.279
you love, then you're like, well, I'll do anything

00:33:57.279 --> 00:34:00.640
for you. Right. Even if that means the spiral

00:34:00.640 --> 00:34:03.680
keeps going. Totally. Yeah. Did part of you,

00:34:03.700 --> 00:34:06.559
like with the postpartum depression and anxiety,

00:34:06.740 --> 00:34:09.460
did part of you think that like, oh, this is

00:34:09.460 --> 00:34:12.159
just motherhood now? This is just normal? That's

00:34:12.159 --> 00:34:15.989
such a good question. 100 % because I never named

00:34:15.989 --> 00:34:19.590
it. I never named it that. I mean, at my six

00:34:19.590 --> 00:34:21.610
week appointment, I was really, really disappointed

00:34:21.610 --> 00:34:23.630
with my six week appointment. Cause I remember

00:34:23.630 --> 00:34:27.730
going in, honestly, I remember leaving my house.

00:34:27.750 --> 00:34:29.789
That was like the first time I left my house

00:34:29.789 --> 00:34:32.829
without trip for a 30 minute appointment. And

00:34:32.829 --> 00:34:35.289
I, so it kind of felt like a big deal and I didn't,

00:34:35.289 --> 00:34:39.170
I wasn't logically thinking this, but emotionally

00:34:39.170 --> 00:34:42.280
I was thinking. I'm going to ask for help. And

00:34:42.280 --> 00:34:45.699
mind you, I had a very supportive husband. Actually,

00:34:45.739 --> 00:34:47.659
I think this is important. I should say this.

00:34:47.820 --> 00:34:51.300
I had an incredible support system and there

00:34:51.300 --> 00:34:53.840
are people who don't, who are having this struggle.

00:34:54.019 --> 00:34:58.500
And that's where my heart like beats. I mean,

00:34:58.539 --> 00:35:01.679
my heart, like for people who are like, I'm actually

00:35:01.679 --> 00:35:06.320
in the pit with a newborn baby waking up every

00:35:06.320 --> 00:35:09.989
night. I got messed up. My breasts hurt. And

00:35:09.989 --> 00:35:12.849
no one's here. No one else but me. And I felt

00:35:12.849 --> 00:35:18.449
utterly alone. The wildest part is I had a husband

00:35:18.449 --> 00:35:20.429
who woke up and helped me nurse my baby. And

00:35:20.429 --> 00:35:21.829
then he went back to work. And then that kind

00:35:21.829 --> 00:35:24.590
of went down. But you know what I mean? He was

00:35:24.590 --> 00:35:26.489
showing up for me. My sister was showing up for

00:35:26.489 --> 00:35:29.269
me. Janessa was showing up for me. And I literally

00:35:29.269 --> 00:35:33.769
felt so alone. It's wild how... depression can

00:35:33.769 --> 00:35:35.190
make you feel like you're the only one who's

00:35:35.190 --> 00:35:37.650
experiencing it and no one will understand but

00:35:37.650 --> 00:35:39.670
then you gotta pull the enemy into that like

00:35:39.670 --> 00:35:43.050
how much more does the enemy want to convince

00:35:43.050 --> 00:35:46.329
you you actually are alone you know i don't know

00:35:46.329 --> 00:35:48.710
like your fan base but like i cannot talk about

00:35:48.710 --> 00:35:51.869
motherhood i cannot talk about my marriage and

00:35:51.869 --> 00:35:53.550
or my experience with my kids without talking

00:35:53.550 --> 00:35:57.489
about you know my faith and in christ but so

00:35:57.489 --> 00:36:00.650
to answer your question sorry no you're fine

00:36:00.650 --> 00:36:03.909
like for it. I don't, I don't know the number

00:36:03.909 --> 00:36:09.489
of the time, but I, the, I truly only the narrative

00:36:09.489 --> 00:36:13.289
I told myself was like, this is so easy. Suck

00:36:13.289 --> 00:36:16.190
it up. Like what is wrong? What is wrong with

00:36:16.190 --> 00:36:19.449
you? Because I really started to compare, like

00:36:19.449 --> 00:36:21.929
even in third world countries, there's women

00:36:21.929 --> 00:36:24.610
who have to, you know, walk to the hospital.

00:36:24.710 --> 00:36:32.900
I mean, I remember like I was, tough and gritty

00:36:32.900 --> 00:36:36.980
moms were just to convince myself to get over

00:36:36.980 --> 00:36:39.139
my, in hindsight, to convince myself to get over

00:36:39.139 --> 00:36:41.900
my depression. Because that was a narrative.

00:36:42.000 --> 00:36:44.320
So I was not calling it depression. I definitely

00:36:44.320 --> 00:36:47.400
was like, this is just motherhood. And to be

00:36:47.400 --> 00:36:48.960
honest, I asked Connor's permission to share

00:36:48.960 --> 00:36:51.019
this. He thought the same thing. And we had a

00:36:51.019 --> 00:36:54.420
really difficult date night one night and conversation

00:36:54.420 --> 00:36:57.619
where he basically was like, you have been so

00:36:57.619 --> 00:37:02.869
negative because I had to him. How it came out,

00:37:02.949 --> 00:37:04.650
and I feel like this might answer one of your

00:37:04.650 --> 00:37:08.190
guys' questions down the road in this, but how

00:37:08.190 --> 00:37:11.329
I was experiencing life externally besides just

00:37:11.329 --> 00:37:14.710
showing up and like yada yada was at home, it

00:37:14.710 --> 00:37:18.690
was like everything is hard. And so I think to

00:37:18.690 --> 00:37:20.849
him it was coming off so negative, which now

00:37:20.849 --> 00:37:23.550
I'm just like red flag, red flag, red flag. Like

00:37:23.550 --> 00:37:27.429
if that's how I was experiencing my new baby.

00:37:28.010 --> 00:37:30.329
I was really crying out for help. I was trying

00:37:30.329 --> 00:37:33.670
to make an attachment attempt very poorly because

00:37:33.670 --> 00:37:36.670
I was struggling. And now Connor will reflect

00:37:36.670 --> 00:37:41.289
that that is one of the biggest regrets in his

00:37:41.289 --> 00:37:45.110
life is wishing he would have seen it. But it's

00:37:45.110 --> 00:37:47.469
not his fault because I didn't even see it. I

00:37:47.469 --> 00:37:49.449
didn't even call it that. It was me being like.

00:37:49.980 --> 00:37:52.400
this is what everyone does. What is wrong with

00:37:52.400 --> 00:37:56.079
you? It's just an adjustment. Yeah. And it's

00:37:56.079 --> 00:37:58.940
only one. I remember, again, I was with my friend

00:37:58.940 --> 00:38:01.500
Janessa and I'm like, you have one kid and you

00:38:01.500 --> 00:38:03.300
can't even get out the door with your one kid.

00:38:04.260 --> 00:38:08.619
Everything was big for me. Loading up the baby.

00:38:08.760 --> 00:38:11.340
That's a little thing. Big thing for me. Putting

00:38:11.340 --> 00:38:13.699
the baby in the car. Oh no, he's waking up. I

00:38:13.699 --> 00:38:17.420
forgot the bottle. Everything was big. It wasn't

00:38:17.420 --> 00:38:19.619
big, but that's because it was... tied to my

00:38:19.619 --> 00:38:23.380
mental health. So yes, I thought this is just

00:38:23.380 --> 00:38:25.699
motherhood. This is just motherhood. And that's

00:38:25.699 --> 00:38:28.099
hard. That's a hard line. Cause some of it, some

00:38:28.099 --> 00:38:31.800
of it is, is an adjustment, but the, the mental

00:38:31.800 --> 00:38:34.480
health experience of it. And I would say like,

00:38:34.559 --> 00:38:38.840
when a thought goes from, this is hard to you

00:38:38.840 --> 00:38:44.360
suck, you know, or like, this is hard and you

00:38:44.360 --> 00:38:47.610
don't have what it takes. And the shame, like

00:38:47.610 --> 00:38:52.989
the true self -destruction, man, like now, I

00:38:52.989 --> 00:38:56.570
think now only with perspective, I like thank

00:38:56.570 --> 00:38:59.210
the Lord for this experience because I'm like,

00:38:59.309 --> 00:39:02.570
I like almost had to live it and to know that

00:39:02.570 --> 00:39:07.289
I'm capable of hating myself, to know how to

00:39:07.289 --> 00:39:10.489
give grace to other people in that pit. Because

00:39:10.489 --> 00:39:13.789
now I'm like, that's actually like a sin to hate

00:39:13.789 --> 00:39:16.369
yourself. You know, like call it what it is,

00:39:16.389 --> 00:39:17.730
but you're supposed to put those things to death.

00:39:18.309 --> 00:39:21.070
And I was, but day in, day out, it was like my

00:39:21.070 --> 00:39:24.190
shame, you know, wrapped up in all this anxiety.

00:39:25.150 --> 00:39:27.050
And I'm not saying like, oh, I was just supposed

00:39:27.050 --> 00:39:28.510
to like show up every day and be like, oh, you're

00:39:28.510 --> 00:39:30.590
sinning, get better. I'm like, no, I'm on medication

00:39:30.590 --> 00:39:33.369
now, you guys. Like there is ways to get healthy,

00:39:33.429 --> 00:39:38.150
but I'm also like there was a stronghold at the

00:39:38.150 --> 00:39:41.530
same time that I was experiencing just the true

00:39:41.530 --> 00:39:45.309
natural chemical. deficiencies happening in my

00:39:45.309 --> 00:39:48.030
body, you know? Cause I started to be like, you

00:39:48.030 --> 00:39:52.090
are the worst. I mean, I mean, I really can honestly

00:39:52.090 --> 00:39:55.510
say I hated how I was as a mom. I hated who I

00:39:55.510 --> 00:40:00.230
was as a wife. I think I was, my state of mind

00:40:00.230 --> 00:40:03.150
was really hard on her marriage. I hated who

00:40:03.150 --> 00:40:08.929
I was as a ministry worker. I truly hated myself.

00:40:09.190 --> 00:40:12.909
So, and, but I had to keep showing up for my

00:40:12.909 --> 00:40:15.639
kid. When was the turning point for you, I guess,

00:40:15.659 --> 00:40:19.619
of like, okay, this isn't just, this isn't normal.

00:40:20.159 --> 00:40:25.059
This is more than that. And I need to do something.

00:40:25.519 --> 00:40:27.679
It should be, that should be a black and white

00:40:27.679 --> 00:40:30.219
answer. It doesn't have to be. But I don't think

00:40:30.219 --> 00:40:34.519
it was. So I think the, a little bit of a turning

00:40:34.519 --> 00:40:38.400
point was, you know, six weeks. basically my

00:40:38.400 --> 00:40:40.579
doctor, they give you that silly questionnaire.

00:40:40.900 --> 00:40:43.760
I know like everyone on here. I mean, I say it's

00:40:43.760 --> 00:40:46.199
silly. It's not. I, again, I've walked this,

00:40:46.260 --> 00:40:48.739
I've talked this truth, my counselor, because

00:40:48.739 --> 00:40:50.599
I've been like, doesn't everyone just feel a

00:40:50.599 --> 00:40:52.300
little stressed out after I've been a kid? Like,

00:40:52.320 --> 00:40:54.989
I remember one of the questions is like. Have

00:40:54.989 --> 00:40:57.710
you, like it asks if you have slept or something

00:40:57.710 --> 00:41:01.949
or like, or would you want to sleep more? I forget

00:41:01.949 --> 00:41:04.630
the question, but I was like, oh my gosh. So

00:41:04.630 --> 00:41:05.949
I was like, of course I'm going to be depressed

00:41:05.949 --> 00:41:08.469
on this scale, you know? But again, I was like

00:41:08.469 --> 00:41:11.829
telling myself a shame narrative, even with this

00:41:11.829 --> 00:41:14.070
depression scale. I think those scales are so

00:41:14.070 --> 00:41:16.349
like, this is actually something that came up

00:41:16.349 --> 00:41:20.559
at my six week appointment for Zeta. Where my

00:41:20.559 --> 00:41:22.940
midwife was like, this scale is so silly because

00:41:22.940 --> 00:41:25.800
some people, they could score, like, because

00:41:25.800 --> 00:41:28.059
it has a number rating and zero is like perfect

00:41:28.059 --> 00:41:29.880
or whatever. And like, I don't know what the

00:41:29.880 --> 00:41:31.800
numbers are, but she's like, you could score

00:41:31.800 --> 00:41:33.880
a zero and be deeply depressed because these

00:41:33.880 --> 00:41:36.099
aren't the symptoms you're showing. Or you could

00:41:36.099 --> 00:41:39.059
have all of these symptoms and honestly be fine.

00:41:39.219 --> 00:41:41.380
It's just that like, this is how your brain is

00:41:41.380 --> 00:41:42.820
wired. Like you're not actually depressed or

00:41:42.820 --> 00:41:46.260
anxious. It's just like the scale is so generic

00:41:46.260 --> 00:41:49.190
that it doesn't. Cover just like the multitude

00:41:49.190 --> 00:41:54.010
of life. That's so interesting. Well, that's

00:41:54.010 --> 00:41:55.949
actually so interesting. Yeah, because my counselor

00:41:55.949 --> 00:41:58.489
was actually like, well, Ambry, no, actually

00:41:58.489 --> 00:42:01.329
like a normal state of mind or quote unquote

00:42:01.329 --> 00:42:05.010
normal person, no, doesn't feel stressed out

00:42:05.010 --> 00:42:07.949
by the X, Y, and Z things you said. Or that doesn't

00:42:07.949 --> 00:42:10.389
make, I wish I had the scale in front of me.

00:42:10.449 --> 00:42:12.989
She's like, actually, no, like that's, you know,

00:42:13.010 --> 00:42:14.989
that's there for a reason. But I remember, I

00:42:14.989 --> 00:42:19.639
remember that. being equal parts like illuminating,

00:42:19.639 --> 00:42:22.619
but equal parts like disappointing that six week

00:42:22.619 --> 00:42:24.739
appointment. Because I think it was my first

00:42:24.739 --> 00:42:27.320
attempt to reach out for help. And they were

00:42:27.320 --> 00:42:29.400
basically like, oh, you seem to be struggling

00:42:29.400 --> 00:42:32.039
big time. Do you have a counselor? And I said,

00:42:32.059 --> 00:42:34.460
I do. But when am I supposed to meet with a counselor?

00:42:34.679 --> 00:42:36.280
Because again, I wasn't leaving my house. I was

00:42:36.280 --> 00:42:38.980
like, it took everything in me to get to here

00:42:38.980 --> 00:42:40.739
today. But I was like, I do have a counselor.

00:42:40.800 --> 00:42:43.400
Like you should really start, you know. seeing

00:42:43.400 --> 00:42:45.599
her or we could talk about medication. And at

00:42:45.599 --> 00:42:48.519
the time I was like, no medication. And so I

00:42:48.519 --> 00:42:50.519
left being like, so it's medication or going

00:42:50.519 --> 00:42:52.420
back to my counselor, which I can't afford because

00:42:52.420 --> 00:42:54.880
my paycheck is going to our nanny. And I don't

00:42:54.880 --> 00:42:56.679
know. And I, someone would have to watch our

00:42:56.679 --> 00:43:00.659
kid for me to do it. So I literally cried in

00:43:00.659 --> 00:43:04.119
the car. And that's when I was like, this is

00:43:04.119 --> 00:43:05.960
the rest of my life. That's what I thought. This

00:43:05.960 --> 00:43:08.900
is the rest of my life. Turns out it's not. If

00:43:08.900 --> 00:43:11.239
you start sleeping more, your brain gets a little

00:43:11.239 --> 00:43:15.389
better. Right. That definitely helps. But I would

00:43:15.389 --> 00:43:17.090
fast forward. I ended up getting pregnant when

00:43:17.090 --> 00:43:19.369
Tripp was nine months. And I would say by then

00:43:19.369 --> 00:43:23.030
he was sleeping better. So that was super helpful.

00:43:23.929 --> 00:43:26.110
But I wouldn't say I felt like reconnected to

00:43:26.110 --> 00:43:28.110
my body. And then I got pregnant and then I was

00:43:28.110 --> 00:43:34.010
hormonal. So a lot of my healing is still happening

00:43:34.010 --> 00:43:36.489
right now, but it's happened post Quinn, to be

00:43:36.489 --> 00:43:40.409
honest. And also having my experience with Quinn.

00:43:41.079 --> 00:43:46.480
was very illuminating of how poor my experience

00:43:46.480 --> 00:43:49.300
was with Tripp. I've talked about my counselor

00:43:49.300 --> 00:43:51.559
a lot. I have literally seen her like twice since

00:43:51.559 --> 00:43:53.820
I've had a kid, but very impactful. But she said,

00:43:53.980 --> 00:43:57.380
I remember her telling me when it came to the

00:43:57.380 --> 00:44:00.360
discussion around going on medication, I always

00:44:00.360 --> 00:44:03.539
had, she said, anyone who has true anxiety. always

00:44:03.539 --> 00:44:05.519
has anxiety about going on anxiety medication.

00:44:05.920 --> 00:44:08.019
She's like, so there, you know, so if you're

00:44:08.019 --> 00:44:09.440
feeling anxious, you know, cause I was just like

00:44:09.440 --> 00:44:11.599
my baby and I'm breastfeeding, of course, just

00:44:11.599 --> 00:44:14.099
all these things like I care about. And she said,

00:44:14.260 --> 00:44:16.360
I will never, she's like, this is not to pressure

00:44:16.360 --> 00:44:18.639
you in any way, but I will, I'll never forget

00:44:18.639 --> 00:44:21.800
holding my second baby in a rocking chair. And

00:44:21.800 --> 00:44:25.119
I can't explain it, but I knew in that moment,

00:44:25.159 --> 00:44:30.019
looking at my baby girl. I cried because of the

00:44:30.019 --> 00:44:32.340
experience I didn't have with my first. I knew

00:44:32.340 --> 00:44:36.400
I was present with her. And I can say verbatim

00:44:36.400 --> 00:44:39.719
I had that experience. In the hospital with Quinn,

00:44:39.920 --> 00:44:43.920
it was bliss. It was truly like the connection,

00:44:44.239 --> 00:44:47.579
instant. Her heart, my heart, instant. Latching,

00:44:47.760 --> 00:44:54.010
easy. I mean, and I just wept for my son. And

00:44:54.010 --> 00:44:56.989
it was all the shame that I felt when I had him.

00:44:57.050 --> 00:44:58.829
I was like, you deserve better. You deserve better.

00:44:58.929 --> 00:45:02.289
But I wept this time being like, I missed it.

00:45:02.329 --> 00:45:06.590
I won't get it back. I missed it. And so it was

00:45:06.590 --> 00:45:10.050
a series over time of people, loving people in

00:45:10.050 --> 00:45:13.889
my life, Janessa, my sister, my husband, probably

00:45:13.889 --> 00:45:19.699
primarily, who would very gently. say, are you

00:45:19.699 --> 00:45:21.920
considering medication? What's your next step?

00:45:22.039 --> 00:45:24.780
What basically like kept gently coming to me

00:45:24.780 --> 00:45:27.340
in grace, out of love being like, what are you

00:45:27.340 --> 00:45:29.719
going to do about it kind of thing. And for a

00:45:29.719 --> 00:45:31.659
long time it was like, I'm good. I'm good. I'm

00:45:31.659 --> 00:45:33.659
good. I'm good. Cause my son is sleeping. Like

00:45:33.659 --> 00:45:35.780
I'm better. I'm better. I'm better. And it was

00:45:35.780 --> 00:45:40.599
really my sister who one day like released me.

00:45:40.639 --> 00:45:42.900
Like I, I truly, I mean, looking back on the

00:45:42.900 --> 00:45:45.199
conversation, she jokes, I think that she's like,

00:45:45.239 --> 00:45:48.059
it wasn't a big deal conversation. And it was,

00:45:48.059 --> 00:45:51.360
it, It was kind of a life -changing conversation

00:45:51.360 --> 00:45:53.519
on the phone to me because I was pregnant with

00:45:53.519 --> 00:45:57.860
Quinn, 22 weeks to be exact, pregnant. And I

00:45:57.860 --> 00:45:59.800
could have justified all of my emotions then

00:45:59.800 --> 00:46:03.860
with being hormonal and pregnant. Mind you, we

00:46:03.860 --> 00:46:06.519
had just moved. My husband had just changed jobs.

00:46:06.960 --> 00:46:10.690
And I remember sitting in my backyard. That we

00:46:10.690 --> 00:46:13.170
have now. And literally you guys being like,

00:46:13.269 --> 00:46:16.329
this is everything I've ever prayed for. Everything

00:46:16.329 --> 00:46:19.989
I've ever wanted. I mean, I am abundantly blessed.

00:46:20.110 --> 00:46:22.110
I cannot believe what the Lord has provided.

00:46:22.309 --> 00:46:25.969
I cannot even have dreamt up this life. And I

00:46:25.969 --> 00:46:30.469
don't feel happy. I cannot even appreciate it.

00:46:30.550 --> 00:46:32.809
I literally have never, I've only wanted to be

00:46:32.809 --> 00:46:38.130
a mom. I have a good husband. Like I have a backyard.

00:46:38.269 --> 00:46:41.110
I have a backyard. Like I never thought I would

00:46:41.110 --> 00:46:43.969
own a home. We rented my whole life. I was raised

00:46:43.969 --> 00:46:46.010
with a single mom. I was like, oh yeah, homeowning

00:46:46.010 --> 00:46:49.050
is for rich people who are whatever. Like I'm

00:46:49.050 --> 00:46:51.809
supposed to say, I was literally like, I am not

00:46:51.809 --> 00:46:55.389
happy. Something's missing. And it was after

00:46:55.389 --> 00:46:57.829
that night, my sister called me and it was the

00:46:57.829 --> 00:47:01.969
spirit of God himself that he knew I needed to

00:47:01.969 --> 00:47:05.130
talk to her then coming off of that raw spot

00:47:05.130 --> 00:47:10.559
because she, basically was just affirmed. This

00:47:10.559 --> 00:47:14.219
is not you. And finally somebody to release me,

00:47:14.300 --> 00:47:17.519
to make me feel like, thank God this isn't me.

00:47:17.639 --> 00:47:20.639
I literally, cause I kept showing up for almost

00:47:20.639 --> 00:47:24.659
a year. Like this is now the new me. And literally

00:47:24.659 --> 00:47:27.760
someone finally said, this isn't you. And said,

00:47:27.820 --> 00:47:31.599
I know Ambry and I know who she is and this isn't

00:47:31.599 --> 00:47:35.480
you. And it is okay for a season to get help.

00:47:35.920 --> 00:47:38.739
If you need to, cause she said, you keep saying,

00:47:38.980 --> 00:47:41.099
you know, there's a lot to this, but she said,

00:47:41.119 --> 00:47:44.360
you keep saying you want to get your workout.

00:47:44.539 --> 00:47:46.280
You want to start working out your, you know,

00:47:46.280 --> 00:47:48.019
you want to start being a better cook at home

00:47:48.019 --> 00:47:50.219
and you want to make meals for trip and you want

00:47:50.219 --> 00:47:52.880
to, you know, do more date nights with your husband.

00:47:52.900 --> 00:47:55.280
You want to show up in the world better basically.

00:47:55.500 --> 00:47:57.639
And she said, you can't do any of that if you

00:47:57.639 --> 00:47:59.909
don't get your mind right. And she was so right.

00:48:00.010 --> 00:48:02.309
She was so right. She said, if it's just for

00:48:02.309 --> 00:48:04.070
a season, because she said, there's a risk reward

00:48:04.070 --> 00:48:05.769
here with getting on medication while you're

00:48:05.769 --> 00:48:09.210
pregnant. I was really anxious about taking medicine

00:48:09.210 --> 00:48:11.710
while I had a baby in my belly because I just

00:48:11.710 --> 00:48:15.570
didn't, I don't know. But she said, well, high,

00:48:15.570 --> 00:48:18.949
high stress on a baby is a risk and medication

00:48:18.949 --> 00:48:21.849
might be a risk. And the reward of medication

00:48:21.849 --> 00:48:24.650
might be, you might be able to start doing stuff

00:48:24.650 --> 00:48:27.190
for yourself. And the reward of not being on

00:48:27.190 --> 00:48:30.769
medication might be that your baby doesn't have

00:48:30.769 --> 00:48:33.590
a birth defect, but no one can predict a birth

00:48:33.590 --> 00:48:37.389
defect anyways. And there's no evidence to show

00:48:37.389 --> 00:48:40.550
that. And so I'm here to say as a testimony,

00:48:40.630 --> 00:48:43.829
I've been on medication now since my daughter

00:48:43.829 --> 00:48:47.469
was 22 weeks in my womb. But it was somebody

00:48:47.469 --> 00:48:51.480
seeing me and seeing that this wasn't me. And

00:48:51.480 --> 00:48:55.280
it released me to say, okay, then I need help

00:48:55.280 --> 00:48:59.659
because I need to get back to me. And here's

00:48:59.659 --> 00:49:02.380
the thing, the depression medicine wasn't a magic

00:49:02.380 --> 00:49:04.780
pill. It still isn't. I like still experience

00:49:04.780 --> 00:49:06.840
anxiety. I literally was having a hard time breathing

00:49:06.840 --> 00:49:10.460
this morning. Like I still experience these things,

00:49:10.539 --> 00:49:16.860
you guys, but it allowed my brain to quiet a

00:49:16.860 --> 00:49:19.690
little bit. enough to where I didn't start my

00:49:19.690 --> 00:49:22.309
day at a seven and then a tantrum would quickly

00:49:22.309 --> 00:49:25.030
get it to a 10. And then the rest, it's hard.

00:49:25.269 --> 00:49:28.050
I start my day at a two, you know, like I can

00:49:28.050 --> 00:49:30.170
start my day at a two and I can like use some

00:49:30.170 --> 00:49:32.170
more logic instead of my brain going straight

00:49:32.170 --> 00:49:35.230
to fight or flight. And it truly is, it was a

00:49:35.230 --> 00:49:39.690
tool. And so that, and then my, my whole testimony,

00:49:39.750 --> 00:49:42.190
which now I've taken up so much time, but is

00:49:42.190 --> 00:49:48.159
the grace of God and I mean, I can talk about

00:49:48.159 --> 00:49:51.719
like the abandonment I felt from the Lord. I

00:49:51.719 --> 00:49:53.659
remember thinking like when you become a mom,

00:49:53.760 --> 00:49:55.940
oh, I bet I'll understand the love of God so

00:49:55.940 --> 00:49:57.820
much more because I'll have this love for this

00:49:57.820 --> 00:50:00.119
kid. So the love of God is just, and I remember

00:50:00.119 --> 00:50:03.139
sitting in my chair, breastfeeding trip at 2

00:50:03.139 --> 00:50:05.179
a .m. I remember I've never been more tired in

00:50:05.179 --> 00:50:08.409
my life. I remember being so tired I wanted to

00:50:08.409 --> 00:50:10.929
throw up. Like, I know that's a weird thing to

00:50:10.929 --> 00:50:13.510
say, but I was like, I feel sick, but I'm not

00:50:13.510 --> 00:50:16.789
sick. I want to puke because I can't imagine

00:50:16.789 --> 00:50:18.530
doing this again in two hours, but I'm about

00:50:18.530 --> 00:50:21.949
to do it again in two hours. And I remember telling

00:50:21.949 --> 00:50:24.889
God, I'm like, you were supposed to be here.

00:50:25.630 --> 00:50:28.670
And how are you allowing me to not sleep? And,

00:50:28.710 --> 00:50:31.389
you know, at that moment, all his fault. Because

00:50:31.389 --> 00:50:35.010
how could you let someone struggle and not sleep?

00:50:36.000 --> 00:50:38.860
And that only now, right? This is like everyone's

00:50:38.860 --> 00:50:42.800
story with any ounce of perspective to look back

00:50:42.800 --> 00:50:48.619
and to be like, oh my gosh, my God is in the

00:50:48.619 --> 00:50:51.019
valleys and he's on the mountaintops and he never

00:50:51.019 --> 00:50:56.179
promised us one or the other, you know? It's

00:50:56.179 --> 00:51:00.019
literally like the David and Goliath, like that.

00:51:00.840 --> 00:51:03.920
That experience of motherhood for me was like

00:51:03.920 --> 00:51:06.719
David harp playing for the king and shepherding

00:51:06.719 --> 00:51:10.699
sheep. It was all like, I still don't know what

00:51:10.699 --> 00:51:13.380
the Lord is preparing for me, but I am like fully

00:51:13.380 --> 00:51:16.960
trusting that that season of my life was not

00:51:16.960 --> 00:51:22.780
like lost on him or void or, or like a waste.

00:51:22.820 --> 00:51:26.559
It was like, man, you prepared in me and instilled

00:51:26.559 --> 00:51:29.980
in me like something to be able. either, whether

00:51:29.980 --> 00:51:31.659
it's happening now or showing up right now, like

00:51:31.659 --> 00:51:34.880
to, I don't even know. I don't even know. I just

00:51:34.880 --> 00:51:37.320
trust it because I know it's a promise, you know,

00:51:37.320 --> 00:51:39.659
and I'm not going to be the king of a nation.

00:51:39.719 --> 00:51:43.559
So thank God. But right now I'm just like, I

00:51:43.559 --> 00:51:45.860
think that that's what keeps me going now. And

00:51:45.860 --> 00:51:48.420
with the help of medication and the support of

00:51:48.420 --> 00:51:50.920
my family and the support of community, which

00:51:50.920 --> 00:51:55.369
is so important. Like now I can show up day in,

00:51:55.389 --> 00:51:57.769
day out on the Monday things that we all know

00:51:57.769 --> 00:52:02.010
nobody sees. Like nobody sees the 10 times you're

00:52:02.010 --> 00:52:04.650
patient, but everyone hears about the one time

00:52:04.650 --> 00:52:08.949
you snap. You know, nobody sees like the mental

00:52:08.949 --> 00:52:12.150
preparation of the food, but everyone sees like

00:52:12.150 --> 00:52:14.750
the beautiful meal on Instagram. Like nobody

00:52:14.750 --> 00:52:18.550
sees the behind the things, but like those are

00:52:18.550 --> 00:52:21.860
faithful things to the Lord. the showing up with

00:52:21.860 --> 00:52:24.480
what he's given me currently right now in my

00:52:24.480 --> 00:52:29.559
season and through asking for help from my, the

00:52:29.559 --> 00:52:32.039
people that I love. Like, I think now I've been

00:52:32.039 --> 00:52:34.699
able to be like, okay, Lord, this isn't actually

00:52:34.699 --> 00:52:36.780
what I pictured, like full circle going back

00:52:36.780 --> 00:52:38.559
to beginning. This isn't what I pictured for

00:52:38.559 --> 00:52:41.019
my life. I thought everyone said I had a calling

00:52:41.019 --> 00:52:43.239
on my life and I'd be in ministry and I, whatever.

00:52:43.400 --> 00:52:46.340
I'm like, this isn't ministry. But then now I'm

00:52:46.340 --> 00:52:50.150
like, oh my gosh, like I'm in a valley of preparation.

00:52:51.050 --> 00:52:54.510
Like my day in, day out mundane life is so valuable

00:52:54.510 --> 00:52:59.670
to you, you know? And it doesn't feel valuable

00:52:59.670 --> 00:53:02.070
every day. It actually feels like some days I'm

00:53:02.070 --> 00:53:04.170
like, I wish I was working. And I hate to say

00:53:04.170 --> 00:53:06.010
that because I also don't want to go back to

00:53:06.010 --> 00:53:07.710
work. You guys carry a freaking different load.

00:53:08.510 --> 00:53:10.369
There's days where I'm like, I want to eat lunch

00:53:10.369 --> 00:53:13.369
by myself. And I want to drive in my car and

00:53:13.369 --> 00:53:15.409
listen to a podcast. And I want someone to be

00:53:15.409 --> 00:53:17.769
developing me. And I want to talk to adults.

00:53:18.329 --> 00:53:22.070
And I don't want to be overstimulated. But at

00:53:22.070 --> 00:53:24.090
the same time, it's like wherever you're planted,

00:53:24.269 --> 00:53:26.409
whatever he's put in front of you, it's like

00:53:26.409 --> 00:53:31.690
you sow that seed faithfully, meaning like you

00:53:31.690 --> 00:53:33.829
literally just show up and he's just not going

00:53:33.829 --> 00:53:35.789
to waste it. He's just not going to waste it.

00:53:35.869 --> 00:53:38.659
I don't know if there was a question. I don't

00:53:38.659 --> 00:53:41.280
know. That was a good answer. I don't know. Well,

00:53:41.800 --> 00:53:45.079
I don't even know if that ends it. Well, okay,

00:53:45.139 --> 00:53:48.059
so going back a little bit, you said you get

00:53:48.059 --> 00:53:50.820
home from the hospital, everything's crazy, everyone

00:53:50.820 --> 00:53:53.380
can tell you're not okay. Do you think in that

00:53:53.380 --> 00:53:55.940
moment they were all just like, she's overwhelmed?

00:53:56.480 --> 00:53:59.699
Or do you think there was like a deeper something's

00:53:59.699 --> 00:54:02.400
going on? I think that the same is my experience.

00:54:02.400 --> 00:54:05.510
Only now could they look back. Okay, so maybe

00:54:05.510 --> 00:54:07.389
in the moment they were like, she's just overwhelmed.

00:54:07.969 --> 00:54:12.429
Again, I think one of the hard things about anything

00:54:12.429 --> 00:54:16.469
like this, even if it's a second kid, is, oh,

00:54:16.530 --> 00:54:19.349
well, having a new baby is hard. Right. And so

00:54:19.349 --> 00:54:21.489
the first time around you're like, I've never

00:54:21.489 --> 00:54:23.469
had a baby before, so this is overwhelming. And

00:54:23.469 --> 00:54:26.369
then I would imagine even with like... Other

00:54:26.369 --> 00:54:27.690
kids are like, well, I've never had a second.

00:54:27.750 --> 00:54:30.510
I've never had a third. Whenever it happens for

00:54:30.510 --> 00:54:33.250
you, you're like, it's just overwhelming because,

00:54:33.610 --> 00:54:36.989
you know, you have this excuse. Yes. And so then

00:54:36.989 --> 00:54:39.289
it seems like at least in your experience, your

00:54:39.289 --> 00:54:41.269
support system also is kind of on that train

00:54:41.269 --> 00:54:44.309
of thought of like, well, it's just overwhelming

00:54:44.309 --> 00:54:47.949
right now. Totally. And in that moment, that

00:54:47.949 --> 00:54:54.920
example, like the content, the tasks. were overwhelming.

00:54:55.039 --> 00:54:58.699
And that's where your support system, it is important

00:54:58.699 --> 00:55:02.539
to show up for people in task. It is important

00:55:02.539 --> 00:55:07.239
to show up for a new mom and to call the lactation

00:55:07.239 --> 00:55:10.679
consultant or to help them or show them how to

00:55:10.679 --> 00:55:14.079
work their pump or to bring them a meal. Those

00:55:14.079 --> 00:55:16.599
things are important because it adds to the mental

00:55:16.599 --> 00:55:18.780
load, but they didn't know what I didn't know,

00:55:18.980 --> 00:55:21.320
which was like, that was the beginning of like

00:55:21.320 --> 00:55:24.849
a mental... stronghold like a mental spiral of

00:55:24.849 --> 00:55:28.829
like because I couldn't feed my baby and so it

00:55:28.829 --> 00:55:31.869
was the stress of figuring out I needed my support

00:55:31.869 --> 00:55:34.610
system to help me figure out how but also my

00:55:34.610 --> 00:55:36.590
baby was crying and so my mom heart was like

00:55:36.590 --> 00:55:39.329
you're not good enough you know and that was

00:55:39.329 --> 00:55:41.510
deeper and I don't know if there was anything

00:55:41.510 --> 00:55:44.570
they could have done then but I think now like

00:55:44.570 --> 00:55:47.389
I've thought through like I think Erica you're

00:55:47.389 --> 00:55:49.869
getting I think you guys have asked me like how

00:55:49.869 --> 00:55:54.239
would you show up for someone now and what's

00:55:54.239 --> 00:55:58.119
funny about that is I think I tried to show up

00:55:58.119 --> 00:56:00.699
for that like how I thought I needed to be showed

00:56:00.699 --> 00:56:03.159
up for, for my first friend who had a baby after

00:56:03.159 --> 00:56:08.139
me. And she was in bliss. She was good. Like

00:56:08.139 --> 00:56:10.719
I, oh my gosh, I was like, and then this is how

00:56:10.719 --> 00:56:12.800
you work your pump. And then here's this meal.

00:56:12.900 --> 00:56:15.219
And if you want seven more and like love bomb,

00:56:15.320 --> 00:56:18.500
basically. And she was like, this is like the

00:56:18.500 --> 00:56:21.159
easiest thing I've ever done. And that was hard

00:56:21.159 --> 00:56:23.000
for me. And that was not her fault. That was

00:56:23.000 --> 00:56:26.000
hard for me. And so then I was just like. oh,

00:56:26.019 --> 00:56:29.440
this is just me, you know. But I'm talking about

00:56:29.440 --> 00:56:33.739
it today because I know, A, statistically, it's

00:56:33.739 --> 00:56:37.079
not just me. It's actually very prevalent. But

00:56:37.079 --> 00:56:41.420
B, I've had a lot of vulnerable people like share.

00:56:41.559 --> 00:56:44.579
Every time I go in for someone, every single

00:56:44.579 --> 00:56:49.280
mom reciprocates and can relate, even if they've

00:56:49.280 --> 00:56:51.480
had a blissful experience. every single mom I've

00:56:51.480 --> 00:56:53.880
ever opened up to about this can relate in some

00:56:53.880 --> 00:56:56.420
way. Oh, for sure. So I would say showing up

00:56:56.420 --> 00:56:59.139
for people, I think it's important for you to

00:56:59.139 --> 00:57:01.960
know your role in their life, like inner circle

00:57:01.960 --> 00:57:04.400
or outer circle kind of. Absolutely. Like there's

00:57:04.400 --> 00:57:05.980
a girl in my Bible study right now. So we're

00:57:05.980 --> 00:57:08.619
literally in Bible study together, but we both

00:57:08.619 --> 00:57:10.940
know and agree like we're kind of outer circle

00:57:10.940 --> 00:57:13.059
because we kind of were placed in the same Bible

00:57:13.059 --> 00:57:15.260
study. We have inner circle girls in that group,

00:57:15.340 --> 00:57:17.460
but she's probably one of my outer circle girls

00:57:17.460 --> 00:57:19.420
and we do Bible study together. You know what

00:57:19.420 --> 00:57:21.650
I mean? She just had a baby and she's a first

00:57:21.650 --> 00:57:24.949
-time mom. Like I'm bringing her a meal. I'm

00:57:24.949 --> 00:57:26.610
texting her to see how breastfeeding is going.

00:57:26.710 --> 00:57:28.610
It's actually going hard. So she's meeting with

00:57:28.610 --> 00:57:30.789
a lactation consultant. I sent her some recommendations.

00:57:30.969 --> 00:57:34.110
I'm going to follow up. If and when I've had

00:57:34.110 --> 00:57:38.230
girls in my inner circle, my inner circle, it's

00:57:38.230 --> 00:57:41.900
like you need to know. An inner circle girl.

00:57:41.940 --> 00:57:45.760
You need to know when it's time to step back

00:57:45.760 --> 00:57:48.059
or barge the doors down. But I would say almost

00:57:48.059 --> 00:57:50.239
more so barge the doors down because if you're

00:57:50.239 --> 00:57:53.300
not going to do it, nobody else will. No one

00:57:53.300 --> 00:57:56.000
knows me better in this life than Connor Sheehan,

00:57:56.099 --> 00:57:59.400
my husband. And even he didn't know to barge

00:57:59.400 --> 00:58:03.400
the doors down. Because in some ways, I was being

00:58:03.400 --> 00:58:05.340
more vulnerable with my mom friends because I

00:58:05.340 --> 00:58:07.500
felt like... I don't know if Connor can relate

00:58:07.500 --> 00:58:09.920
to this experience. And it turns out actually

00:58:09.920 --> 00:58:12.139
he couldn't. He could love me and support me,

00:58:12.219 --> 00:58:14.400
but it was like my counselor and my sister and

00:58:14.400 --> 00:58:15.900
people had to pull this stuff out of me, people

00:58:15.900 --> 00:58:18.539
who could relate to motherhood. So it was like

00:58:18.539 --> 00:58:22.059
it really took one of my friends and my sister

00:58:22.059 --> 00:58:27.639
to knock the door down and come in. I don't want

00:58:27.639 --> 00:58:31.159
to say that I needed rescuing and saving, and

00:58:31.159 --> 00:58:33.500
obviously there's a fine line there, like that's

00:58:33.500 --> 00:58:36.099
not your job. And when someone just needs a counselor,

00:58:36.239 --> 00:58:38.800
they need a counselor. But there is a time to

00:58:38.800 --> 00:58:42.099
kind of like pull somebody out and hold weight

00:58:42.099 --> 00:58:44.659
that they can't carry and to do what my sister

00:58:44.659 --> 00:58:47.500
said, say, hey, this is not you. You know, like

00:58:47.500 --> 00:58:50.239
if this is just a season, then let's let it be

00:58:50.239 --> 00:58:52.340
a season. But let's put a time frame on it, because

00:58:52.340 --> 00:58:54.599
if it's still a season, by the time we get to

00:58:54.599 --> 00:58:56.219
the end of that time frame, it's not a season

00:58:56.219 --> 00:58:59.219
anymore. And then you need some help. And if

00:58:59.219 --> 00:59:01.480
you need me to help you get help, then I'll be

00:59:01.480 --> 00:59:04.000
that support system for you. Because it, because

00:59:04.000 --> 00:59:07.099
like Laura, you asked such a good question about

00:59:07.099 --> 00:59:10.179
that. Like, because I, I think when you're really

00:59:10.179 --> 00:59:12.400
in it, you're not waking up every day going,

00:59:12.460 --> 00:59:14.900
I'm depressed. I'm depressed. I think if you

00:59:14.900 --> 00:59:16.300
are, you're not truly depressed. You're just

00:59:16.300 --> 00:59:18.639
narcissistic. But if you're, you know what I

00:59:18.639 --> 00:59:20.539
mean? Like, cause you're, I'm really like, this

00:59:20.539 --> 00:59:22.320
is hard. Something's wrong with me. Something's

00:59:22.320 --> 00:59:23.820
wrong. What is wrong with me? You're the worst

00:59:23.820 --> 00:59:26.199
mom. This is just how it's supposed to be. Or

00:59:26.199 --> 00:59:28.460
this is new motherhood. This is just the new

00:59:28.460 --> 00:59:30.860
experience when really it was like, oh, clinically,

00:59:31.079 --> 00:59:34.070
no. Like from a counseling perspective, no, you're

00:59:34.070 --> 00:59:37.030
depressed. From my front inner circle speaking

00:59:37.030 --> 00:59:38.909
into me and just being like, this isn't you.

00:59:39.610 --> 00:59:43.090
It took a lot of convincing. So I think if someone's

00:59:43.090 --> 00:59:44.610
really, really stuck, you're going to have to

00:59:44.610 --> 00:59:46.610
show up over and over and over and over and over

00:59:46.610 --> 00:59:48.050
again. It's not going to be a one -time thing.

00:59:48.369 --> 00:59:51.670
And I do think that's very important. And there's

00:59:51.670 --> 00:59:53.449
a lot, turns out there's like a lot of resources

00:59:53.449 --> 00:59:56.409
out there, especially for new moms that are like

00:59:56.409 --> 00:59:58.650
totally free. But guess what? New moms don't

00:59:58.650 --> 01:00:01.150
literally have the time of day to look into it.

01:00:01.210 --> 01:00:04.449
For sure. Or care about that. That's just like

01:00:04.449 --> 01:00:06.670
a basic postpartum experience. If you're like

01:00:06.670 --> 01:00:09.909
in the steep depression, then like everything

01:00:09.909 --> 01:00:12.070
is the impossible task, right? You're like, oh,

01:00:12.130 --> 01:00:15.289
even if I'm sitting here breastfeeding. On my

01:00:15.289 --> 01:00:18.610
phone, the thought of like Googling lactation

01:00:18.610 --> 01:00:20.489
consultants or, you know, whatever that is. Yes,

01:00:20.510 --> 01:00:22.449
everything is too much. Support group. Yeah.

01:00:22.530 --> 01:00:24.289
And then getting my insurance card. Where's my

01:00:24.289 --> 01:00:25.610
insurance card? I don't even know where it is.

01:00:25.610 --> 01:00:28.699
Do I have one? Yeah. Literally. So, and then

01:00:28.699 --> 01:00:31.800
it's like, but I'm supposed to start making dinner

01:00:31.800 --> 01:00:33.860
soon and then I should probably be a normal person

01:00:33.860 --> 01:00:35.860
and meet up with some friends. So I guess I should

01:00:35.860 --> 01:00:37.440
probably, oh, but then I have to load up my car

01:00:37.440 --> 01:00:39.880
and then I have to actually make it work around

01:00:39.880 --> 01:00:42.280
nap time, which is coming up soon. So I, I mean.

01:00:42.739 --> 01:00:44.280
Yeah. It's just everything. Then I have to pump

01:00:44.280 --> 01:00:47.440
before I'll pump in the car. And then you add

01:00:47.440 --> 01:00:49.840
your guys' jobs to it of like this, that's a,

01:00:49.860 --> 01:00:54.699
that's a different kind of load. So yes, someone

01:00:54.699 --> 01:00:59.460
else to be like. You know what would be practically

01:00:59.460 --> 01:01:02.239
helpful? Someone else to say, I have a pen and

01:01:02.239 --> 01:01:04.599
paper. You write down everything you have to

01:01:04.599 --> 01:01:06.440
do or think you have to do. I'll write it down

01:01:06.440 --> 01:01:08.019
for you. I'll write it down for you. You just

01:01:08.019 --> 01:01:10.320
say it out loud. I'll write it down. You get

01:01:10.320 --> 01:01:12.880
this list out. And I think someone with a sound

01:01:12.880 --> 01:01:16.400
mind. who's not in the thick of it can help you

01:01:16.400 --> 01:01:18.119
say, you don't need to think about that. You

01:01:18.119 --> 01:01:20.300
don't need to do that. The baseboards don't actually

01:01:20.300 --> 01:01:21.860
need to be cleaned right now. There you go. You

01:01:21.860 --> 01:01:24.840
do not need to, that is not important. Let's

01:01:24.840 --> 01:01:27.139
get to a top three important thing. Okay, your

01:01:27.139 --> 01:01:29.090
mental health. All right. We need to go, whatever.

01:01:29.210 --> 01:01:31.710
Your baby's not latching or nursing. That's super

01:01:31.710 --> 01:01:34.210
important. How about I look up the list of three

01:01:34.210 --> 01:01:36.349
people? It's just like, get on paper what is

01:01:36.349 --> 01:01:39.809
in their head. And also I think I've had someone

01:01:39.809 --> 01:01:42.230
do that for me. It's really helpful as the person

01:01:42.230 --> 01:01:43.730
who has all this stuff going on your head to

01:01:43.730 --> 01:01:46.789
be like, oh, once you put it on paper, you read

01:01:46.789 --> 01:01:49.590
it. This is just like a counseling 101 tool.

01:01:49.949 --> 01:01:52.030
You put it on paper and you read it and you go,

01:01:52.210 --> 01:01:55.030
oh my gosh, why am I thinking about all that?

01:01:55.190 --> 01:01:59.340
And all of those thoughts have, external secondary

01:01:59.340 --> 01:02:02.119
thoughts to them that cause more spiraling. Like

01:02:02.119 --> 01:02:04.440
what's most important truly. This is like literally

01:02:04.440 --> 01:02:06.559
why the Lord says, take your thoughts captive,

01:02:06.579 --> 01:02:09.780
like stop them before they get secondary. It's

01:02:09.780 --> 01:02:12.340
too overwhelming. Like no one can hold that many

01:02:12.340 --> 01:02:14.940
thought patterns. You're not supposed to do that.

01:02:15.019 --> 01:02:21.300
So there's a lot, a lot there. So sounds like

01:02:21.300 --> 01:02:23.300
Connor didn't, couldn't really like figure this

01:02:23.300 --> 01:02:26.900
out. Um, do you think he ever like did realize

01:02:26.900 --> 01:02:29.900
it or did you have to tell him like something's

01:02:29.900 --> 01:02:32.960
not okay? Yeah, no, this is a hard, this is like

01:02:32.960 --> 01:02:36.699
a hard part because I can't, I think I shared

01:02:36.699 --> 01:02:39.119
about our date night and he basically told me

01:02:39.119 --> 01:02:42.460
I was being really negative, which really was

01:02:42.460 --> 01:02:45.000
like a big trigger for me to be like, to shut

01:02:45.000 --> 01:02:47.780
down. Cause I was like, okay, I can't, if I can't

01:02:47.780 --> 01:02:49.300
share this with him, I can't share this with

01:02:49.300 --> 01:02:52.900
anybody because I, again, I just have to suck

01:02:52.900 --> 01:02:55.179
it up. And essentially without saying it, he

01:02:55.179 --> 01:02:57.840
said that. He said, life is hard, this is hard,

01:02:57.940 --> 01:03:00.860
and we need to just keep going kind of thing.

01:03:01.440 --> 01:03:03.380
There's truth to that when you're not depressed.

01:03:03.659 --> 01:03:06.639
There's truth to that, you know? So again, it

01:03:06.639 --> 01:03:09.119
just reinforced this narrative that something's

01:03:09.119 --> 01:03:11.940
wrong with me and whatever. And he is a very

01:03:11.940 --> 01:03:14.199
loving man. He just wanted me to get better,

01:03:14.280 --> 01:03:17.199
and he was trying to be like, can you help yourself

01:03:17.199 --> 01:03:21.800
do something about it? So I would say it took...

01:03:22.699 --> 01:03:25.980
yeah again not an overnight thing probably that

01:03:25.980 --> 01:03:28.699
doctor's appointment of like hey I don't think

01:03:28.699 --> 01:03:30.940
I'm doing so well followed by a counseling appointment

01:03:30.940 --> 01:03:34.079
later that was like oh I'm like now I trust my

01:03:34.079 --> 01:03:37.219
counselor so I'm definitely not doing well but

01:03:37.219 --> 01:03:38.619
I don't know what to do about it and that's where

01:03:38.619 --> 01:03:42.119
he kind of began to gently say like it doesn't

01:03:42.119 --> 01:03:44.760
have to be medication. At the time he was actually

01:03:44.760 --> 01:03:46.840
like, maybe I think it's working out for you.

01:03:46.900 --> 01:03:48.579
Cause it's a big passion of mine. So I think

01:03:48.579 --> 01:03:50.360
he was like, I think you really need, and he's

01:03:50.360 --> 01:03:52.880
really tried to like rearrange his schedule so

01:03:52.880 --> 01:03:55.260
that I could start going to the gym. So I think

01:03:55.260 --> 01:03:59.360
he was trying to help me fix me, you know? And

01:03:59.360 --> 01:04:01.699
my, but my sister was right. Like you can't do

01:04:01.699 --> 01:04:03.500
any of those things till you get your mind right.

01:04:03.599 --> 01:04:05.980
And so he was one of the gentle people to say

01:04:05.980 --> 01:04:09.119
like, can I help you get on Medicaid? Like, what

01:04:09.119 --> 01:04:12.920
can I do to. Always, always saying, what can

01:04:12.920 --> 01:04:15.619
I do? Like, what do you need? But I would honestly

01:04:15.619 --> 01:04:18.619
say, like, the hard truth of this, and I think

01:04:18.619 --> 01:04:20.920
he would agree with me, like, is that once we

01:04:20.920 --> 01:04:23.840
had our second, I think that's when he had, like,

01:04:23.860 --> 01:04:30.579
a realization because he experienced having our

01:04:30.579 --> 01:04:33.119
second as almost like how I experienced having

01:04:33.119 --> 01:04:36.599
our first. My whole life flipped upside down.

01:04:36.679 --> 01:04:39.039
Like, I didn't even talk about, like, literally.

01:04:39.949 --> 01:04:42.789
working my dream job not working my job I mean

01:04:42.789 --> 01:04:45.150
there's a whole identity shift there like yeah

01:04:45.150 --> 01:04:48.730
so that like and then my friends were there like

01:04:48.730 --> 01:04:51.210
my whole community like my and then I became

01:04:51.210 --> 01:04:53.670
a mom this was like a new foreign thing and I

01:04:53.670 --> 01:04:56.349
was thought I wasn't a good one so my whole world

01:04:56.349 --> 01:04:59.849
changed with Tripp and now we're one -on -one

01:04:59.849 --> 01:05:03.389
and I think he experienced like oh like I'm not

01:05:03.389 --> 01:05:05.769
just the dad this I'm gonna say this and it's

01:05:05.769 --> 01:05:07.510
I'm saying it kind of lightly but I'm not just

01:05:07.510 --> 01:05:10.570
like the dad who goes to work You know, my wife

01:05:10.570 --> 01:05:13.869
has the easy job. And then I come home. And then

01:05:13.869 --> 01:05:17.570
I parent. I think he was like, I'm a dad. Period.

01:05:18.010 --> 01:05:20.909
We're parents. We're co -parents together all

01:05:20.909 --> 01:05:24.230
the time through the night. Because truly with

01:05:24.230 --> 01:05:27.170
Tripp, I was doing like a lot of the night shifts.

01:05:28.110 --> 01:05:30.449
And to me even, I was like, it makes sense because

01:05:30.449 --> 01:05:33.409
I'm staying at home. But now I'm like, nope.

01:05:33.820 --> 01:05:36.119
You'll always be up at night, buddy. Like he,

01:05:36.440 --> 01:05:39.260
I think he just, and he experienced this like,

01:05:39.400 --> 01:05:42.719
okay, how am I going to still be the Connor who

01:05:42.719 --> 01:05:45.239
shows up to work? The important, you know, sales

01:05:45.239 --> 01:05:48.539
guy, like this, you know, and like full time

01:05:48.539 --> 01:05:52.159
dad too. And supportive husband to my wife who's

01:05:52.159 --> 01:05:55.500
struggling. And I think seeing me, I don't think

01:05:55.500 --> 01:05:57.579
I'm answering your question right now in this

01:05:57.579 --> 01:06:00.239
moment, because I'm realizing he saw me with

01:06:00.239 --> 01:06:05.079
Quinn in the hospital. And he reflects realizing

01:06:05.079 --> 01:06:09.659
how different it was. It took that image for

01:06:09.659 --> 01:06:12.639
both of us, my experience, and then hit that

01:06:12.639 --> 01:06:16.059
image for him to be like, oh, this is how it

01:06:16.059 --> 01:06:19.500
was supposed to be. This is a different person

01:06:19.500 --> 01:06:24.159
almost. You're a different mom with her. Or I

01:06:24.159 --> 01:06:25.900
think part of it's hard to know, like, am I a

01:06:25.900 --> 01:06:28.219
different mom now that I've had two so it's just

01:06:28.219 --> 01:06:32.000
easier? Or like I've been doing, you know. Like

01:06:32.000 --> 01:06:34.500
she's not foreign. You're more confident. Yeah.

01:06:34.519 --> 01:06:38.000
Like ways. Yeah. Yeah. Or is it like, I don't

01:06:38.000 --> 01:06:41.400
know, but I was hormonally balanced, you know,

01:06:41.400 --> 01:06:45.739
like both. Both and. But he saw it and he reflected

01:06:45.739 --> 01:06:51.159
like he has said sorry a lot, honestly, for like

01:06:51.159 --> 01:06:54.500
how he didn't show up. And it's hard because

01:06:54.500 --> 01:06:56.659
I. don't know what I would have asked him to

01:06:56.659 --> 01:06:57.960
do differently because I didn't know how to ask

01:06:57.960 --> 01:07:00.059
for help. And you don't know what you don't know,

01:07:00.119 --> 01:07:03.300
right? Right, right. And now, only now can I

01:07:03.300 --> 01:07:07.400
have gratitude for that season, truthfully. But

01:07:07.400 --> 01:07:09.980
I would almost say, man, it takes a mom. It takes

01:07:09.980 --> 01:07:14.699
a mom to call it out in you. It does. So what

01:07:14.699 --> 01:07:18.179
is something you wish you knew before having

01:07:18.179 --> 01:07:20.760
a baby? Before having Tripp and really just before

01:07:20.760 --> 01:07:23.400
this postpartum depression experience for you?

01:07:24.380 --> 01:07:28.159
Oh, I think like there's an obvious answer that

01:07:28.159 --> 01:07:31.019
maybe I wish, like practically, I wish I would

01:07:31.019 --> 01:07:33.320
have learned more about breastfeeding than I

01:07:33.320 --> 01:07:35.780
did about labor. Like labor was such a short

01:07:35.780 --> 01:07:39.400
part of it. Like practically, maybe I wished

01:07:39.400 --> 01:07:42.380
I learned more about, I've heard postpartum depression,

01:07:42.599 --> 01:07:45.659
but you're just everyone. I was just like, that's

01:07:45.659 --> 01:07:48.940
what other people get. It's just never you. It's

01:07:48.940 --> 01:07:52.840
just like, or like I'd heard about colicky babies

01:07:52.840 --> 01:07:55.500
and I'm like, My baby will never. Yeah. Yeah.

01:07:55.500 --> 01:07:58.480
Like some babies are colicky, but, and also without

01:07:58.480 --> 01:08:00.840
being a parent, I think I was like judgy. I think

01:08:00.840 --> 01:08:03.400
I was like, probably not feeding them. Right.

01:08:03.619 --> 01:08:05.679
Yeah. Or you're probably not burping them. Right.

01:08:05.699 --> 01:08:09.679
Yeah. Just stupid, stupid stuff. I think so.

01:08:09.860 --> 01:08:13.300
Those are all fair answers, but they're not sitting

01:08:13.300 --> 01:08:17.119
well with me because I think what I wish I had

01:08:17.119 --> 01:08:20.380
known, I think anything, if not, then that's

01:08:20.380 --> 01:08:23.279
fine too. I think all I wish is that I, been

01:08:23.279 --> 01:08:28.039
more open -handed open -minded and less less

01:08:28.039 --> 01:08:32.119
like birth plan I think like I would have been

01:08:32.119 --> 01:08:34.659
freed up to be like whatever this looks like

01:08:34.659 --> 01:08:38.399
whatever this looks like we could have a baby

01:08:38.399 --> 01:08:40.640
with a disability but that didn't cross my mind

01:08:40.640 --> 01:08:42.819
you know because it doesn't unless it happens

01:08:42.819 --> 01:08:45.239
like I wish I would have been more surrendered

01:08:45.239 --> 01:08:48.380
like whatever this looks like We're going to

01:08:48.380 --> 01:08:50.300
take this season day by day, season by season.

01:08:50.380 --> 01:08:52.619
I truly had a little bit of a blissful image.

01:08:52.819 --> 01:08:54.699
And that's just my story. I don't think that's

01:08:54.699 --> 01:08:59.619
everyone's. I just, I had this strange approach

01:08:59.619 --> 01:09:02.319
or maybe experience with all the babies in my

01:09:02.319 --> 01:09:09.039
past. So I think that's kind of a broad and silly.

01:09:09.560 --> 01:09:11.960
answer. I mean, there's almost a level when you

01:09:11.960 --> 01:09:14.560
are someone like you with, you have lots of experience

01:09:14.560 --> 01:09:17.140
with babies. You have several nieces and nephews,

01:09:17.140 --> 01:09:19.140
I believe, you know, friends with kids, like

01:09:19.140 --> 01:09:21.300
said you were a nanny. There's almost like an

01:09:21.300 --> 01:09:23.340
arrogance. And I feel like I can relate to this

01:09:23.340 --> 01:09:25.640
too. Like I've done this before. I know it's

01:09:25.640 --> 01:09:27.560
going to be harder because I'm the mom, but like.

01:09:28.039 --> 01:09:31.279
I know what I'm doing. Yeah. And like, there's

01:09:31.279 --> 01:09:33.159
some practical pieces to that. That's true. Right.

01:09:33.220 --> 01:09:34.840
You're like, I've changed a diaper before. I've

01:09:34.840 --> 01:09:36.899
used a bottle before. I've, you know, so there

01:09:36.899 --> 01:09:38.560
are some practical pieces that are absolutely

01:09:38.560 --> 01:09:42.199
true. That's so true. But it's not the same at

01:09:42.199 --> 01:09:45.140
all. And cause your baby's different. Yeah. Your

01:09:45.140 --> 01:09:47.899
baby's different. Even just in like a. different

01:09:47.899 --> 01:09:50.079
human standpoint but then also in your experience

01:09:50.079 --> 01:09:52.800
of how you take care of them and your marital

01:09:52.800 --> 01:09:55.180
experience of doing it together like then you

01:09:55.180 --> 01:09:57.939
bring two messy people two sinful broken people

01:09:57.939 --> 01:10:01.500
into raising up a little kid who's also you don't

01:10:01.500 --> 01:10:03.520
know yet they're still developing you don't even

01:10:03.520 --> 01:10:05.899
know who they're gonna be or what the yeah like

01:10:05.899 --> 01:10:08.579
the unknown unknown like how are you supposed

01:10:08.579 --> 01:10:11.500
to have a plan for that truly yeah like you can

01:10:11.500 --> 01:10:15.770
prepare I really think you can prepare but to

01:10:15.770 --> 01:10:17.750
not have a plan. I think maybe what I would have

01:10:17.750 --> 01:10:21.189
done is maybe had Connor and I done more work

01:10:21.189 --> 01:10:25.850
truthfully around when this baby comes or if

01:10:25.850 --> 01:10:29.100
this, because we were just like, well, take the

01:10:29.100 --> 01:10:31.140
bull by the horn. Like we will figure this out

01:10:31.140 --> 01:10:34.079
together. And truly we have, you know, we've,

01:10:34.140 --> 01:10:36.699
and we're in marital counseling right now. Like

01:10:36.699 --> 01:10:38.920
I, and not because we're falling apart, but because

01:10:38.920 --> 01:10:40.840
we want to make sure that we communicate better.

01:10:40.899 --> 01:10:43.840
Like we're just, we're really just for a season.

01:10:44.359 --> 01:10:47.460
And I'm like so proud of us, but I think a lot

01:10:47.460 --> 01:10:49.800
of this communication failure happened year one

01:10:49.800 --> 01:10:53.159
with the baby. It's all stemming from that. And

01:10:53.159 --> 01:10:54.699
so I'm like, I kind of wish we would have done

01:10:54.699 --> 01:10:58.630
more work on us before we had a baby. Yeah. And

01:10:58.630 --> 01:11:01.170
more work on how can we take care of each other?

01:11:01.869 --> 01:11:04.949
Because now we're doing it. It took us three

01:11:04.949 --> 01:11:07.310
years. And now you need a babysitter instead

01:11:07.310 --> 01:11:10.609
of doing it beforehand. Exactly. Good call. Yeah.

01:11:10.710 --> 01:11:13.109
And now we're like, we're going to put baby making

01:11:13.109 --> 01:11:15.170
on hold for a while. Not making. He would hate

01:11:15.170 --> 01:11:17.930
that. We're going to put babies on hold for a

01:11:17.930 --> 01:11:20.909
while, right? And every day he's like, but he

01:11:20.909 --> 01:11:23.979
could have another baby. And I'm like. You're

01:11:23.979 --> 01:11:25.760
like, okay, if you carry it this time. I will

01:11:25.760 --> 01:11:30.939
literally murder you. Right now. No. Well, the

01:11:30.939 --> 01:11:33.979
crazy part is we will have more babies. Isn't

01:11:33.979 --> 01:11:36.180
that wild? Yeah. You can have experiences like

01:11:36.180 --> 01:11:38.260
these and be like, I don't know. I still love

01:11:38.260 --> 01:11:42.140
them. Yeah. Still want more. What? Motherhood

01:11:42.140 --> 01:11:46.119
is wild. All right. And then one last question.

01:11:46.239 --> 01:11:48.859
What would you tell another mom? Like if she's

01:11:48.859 --> 01:11:50.960
in the depths right now, maybe she's where you

01:11:50.960 --> 01:11:53.760
are, where she would never name what she's in

01:11:53.760 --> 01:11:55.640
as postpartum depression, but she's just really,

01:11:55.699 --> 01:11:58.300
really struggling. What would you tell her in

01:11:58.300 --> 01:12:00.699
this moment? It's going to sound trite for a

01:12:00.699 --> 01:12:04.420
second, but it's, it is a season. Okay. So days

01:12:04.420 --> 01:12:07.100
feel like years, but the years really are days.

01:12:07.479 --> 01:12:10.729
But I hated that when I was in it because. My

01:12:10.729 --> 01:12:14.529
days are years right now. Just know that you

01:12:14.529 --> 01:12:17.970
will sleep again. You will sleep again, you know,

01:12:17.989 --> 01:12:23.949
and you will eat different again or better. But

01:12:23.949 --> 01:12:26.930
right now, pizza nights are okay. Rotisserie

01:12:26.930 --> 01:12:30.229
chicken is okay. Mac and cheese is okay. Like

01:12:30.229 --> 01:12:35.399
overnight oats is good. And having people take

01:12:35.399 --> 01:12:38.319
those biggest burdens that are outside of that

01:12:38.319 --> 01:12:41.819
child are okay. Like outside of that kid, because

01:12:41.819 --> 01:12:46.000
that is your full -time responsibility. If you

01:12:46.000 --> 01:12:48.159
are stressed about the laundry and you're stressed

01:12:48.159 --> 01:12:50.520
about the food and you're stressed about like

01:12:50.520 --> 01:12:53.680
the packing of the bag and the car and the restocking

01:12:53.680 --> 01:12:57.500
of everything or like that is something, take

01:12:57.500 --> 01:13:00.979
that. off of your plate, like delegate that one

01:13:00.979 --> 01:13:03.939
thing or two things or three things, because

01:13:03.939 --> 01:13:06.840
right now it's okay that you're nap trapped as

01:13:06.840 --> 01:13:09.239
long as you have your water bottle and you know,

01:13:09.239 --> 01:13:14.220
a snack and it's okay that like, it's not fair

01:13:14.220 --> 01:13:16.739
and it sucks, but you're only going to be up

01:13:16.739 --> 01:13:18.380
at night for a little while. They're going to

01:13:18.380 --> 01:13:20.500
sleep. They're going to sleep again. It's okay

01:13:20.500 --> 01:13:22.840
to nap while they're napping. It's okay. Let

01:13:22.840 --> 01:13:25.859
yourself off the mat. You're never going to remember

01:13:25.859 --> 01:13:28.630
how clean your house was. When you look back

01:13:28.630 --> 01:13:30.550
on that season, you're never going to remember

01:13:30.550 --> 01:13:33.630
like the Instagram picture of the meal you made

01:13:33.630 --> 01:13:35.850
or even the Instagram picture of your perfect

01:13:35.850 --> 01:13:37.729
baby. You're just going to remember like how

01:13:37.729 --> 01:13:39.430
tiny they were. Like literally looking back on

01:13:39.430 --> 01:13:42.210
pictures, what a blur that season was for me.

01:13:42.270 --> 01:13:44.670
But I'm like, he was so tiny. That's what I think.

01:13:44.710 --> 01:13:46.930
I'm like, he was so sweet and tiny. I'm like,

01:13:46.949 --> 01:13:49.050
no, that was the hardest season of my life. And

01:13:49.050 --> 01:13:53.130
that's what I remember. So just let yourself.

01:13:53.949 --> 01:13:56.310
Take a nap on the couch with your kid when you

01:13:56.310 --> 01:13:59.270
can. And when you can't, I've heard someone say

01:13:59.270 --> 01:14:02.289
to me like, your baby's either going to cry with

01:14:02.289 --> 01:14:03.909
me or he's going to cry with you. And if someone

01:14:03.909 --> 01:14:06.609
steps in to take that crying baby for you, but

01:14:06.609 --> 01:14:08.369
you still think you have to figure out the crying

01:14:08.369 --> 01:14:10.470
baby, that person's right. They're either going

01:14:10.470 --> 01:14:11.489
to cry with me or they're going to cry with you.

01:14:11.510 --> 01:14:13.609
Let them take the baby. Let them take the baby

01:14:13.609 --> 01:14:17.550
and go outside. And probably the best practical

01:14:17.550 --> 01:14:23.090
tool is like teaching yourself how to calm your

01:14:23.090 --> 01:14:25.189
nervous system just to tell your nervous system

01:14:25.189 --> 01:14:27.329
that you're not being chased by a bear. So like

01:14:27.329 --> 01:14:32.710
truly when you're too overstimulated to show

01:14:32.710 --> 01:14:35.489
up for your babies, this might be more practical

01:14:35.489 --> 01:14:37.649
with toddlers because they're so demanding, but

01:14:37.649 --> 01:14:40.949
my goodness. There's practical things like freaking

01:14:40.949 --> 01:14:43.710
holding an ice cube. You can set the baby down

01:14:43.710 --> 01:14:46.229
in a safe spot and go outside for a minute. It's

01:14:46.229 --> 01:14:49.489
okay if they cry. You can tap both your shoulders

01:14:49.489 --> 01:14:51.829
or put two sticky notes on the wall and look

01:14:51.829 --> 01:14:54.930
back and forth just to reconnect your brain to

01:14:54.930 --> 01:14:57.510
think back to logical thinking brain rather than

01:14:57.510 --> 01:15:01.710
fight or flight. Like there's practical, you

01:15:01.710 --> 01:15:06.439
can dunk your face in cold water. Smell peppermint.

01:15:06.460 --> 01:15:09.779
I've literally done all of these things. I'm

01:15:09.779 --> 01:15:13.060
taking notes over here. Okay, just to calm. It's

01:15:13.060 --> 01:15:17.060
just to bring your body into your brain and say,

01:15:17.159 --> 01:15:20.220
oh, not being chased by a bear. Crying babies

01:15:20.220 --> 01:15:22.239
feel like that sometimes. It's literally a form

01:15:22.239 --> 01:15:25.520
of torture and war that they put headphones on

01:15:25.520 --> 01:15:29.659
people with crying babies. And the top tier Marines,

01:15:29.819 --> 01:15:32.500
this is on a Netflix show, break with the crying

01:15:32.500 --> 01:15:35.489
babies. So just so you know, moms. It's very

01:15:35.489 --> 01:15:37.510
overstimulating to have a crying baby, especially

01:15:37.510 --> 01:15:39.189
if you have a colicky one who cries all the time.

01:15:39.770 --> 01:15:41.689
But just know it's okay to walk away because

01:15:41.689 --> 01:15:43.489
no one can handle that for too long, and you

01:15:43.489 --> 01:15:45.310
need to calm your nervous system down too and

01:15:45.310 --> 01:15:47.189
remind yourself, I'm not being chased by a bear,

01:15:47.289 --> 01:15:49.109
but this is really, really overstimulating. I

01:15:49.109 --> 01:15:51.630
have to help this baby, but nothing I'm doing

01:15:51.630 --> 01:15:54.090
is helping, so I need to go help myself, and

01:15:54.090 --> 01:15:57.069
that's okay too. That's actually more than okay.

01:15:57.109 --> 01:16:00.069
That's important. Yeah, that's really good. Well,

01:16:00.170 --> 01:16:04.229
thank you for sharing so, so much about postpartum

01:16:04.229 --> 01:16:07.350
depression and your experience. And I just remember

01:16:07.350 --> 01:16:09.930
like when I was postpartum with Colt, you were

01:16:09.930 --> 01:16:12.369
one of the first people to come over and you

01:16:12.369 --> 01:16:16.829
brought me lunch and breakfast for the next day.

01:16:16.989 --> 01:16:20.109
And then just you sat there and you held my baby

01:16:20.109 --> 01:16:23.689
while I ate. And it was like, I will remember

01:16:23.689 --> 01:16:27.949
that forever because it just was exactly what

01:16:27.949 --> 01:16:30.829
I needed. Good. With my husband going back to

01:16:30.829 --> 01:16:34.090
work. And yeah, I think that you are just such

01:16:34.090 --> 01:16:37.770
an advocate for postpartum moms and you really

01:16:37.770 --> 01:16:40.689
showed up for me. So I appreciate that. That's

01:16:40.689 --> 01:16:44.069
good. Yeah. Good. I think if anything, like.

01:16:44.859 --> 01:16:47.739
If this isn't utilized for something, even if

01:16:47.739 --> 01:16:50.279
it's like showing up for one single mom, then

01:16:50.279 --> 01:16:52.659
it's like, why would I, why did I even walk through

01:16:52.659 --> 01:16:55.300
that? So it's like, take your pain, make it into

01:16:55.300 --> 01:16:58.699
something that's actually worthwhile. Even though

01:16:58.699 --> 01:17:02.640
every day I still struggle with my stuff, you

01:17:02.640 --> 01:17:06.880
know, but I would never want another mom in my

01:17:06.880 --> 01:17:11.199
circle to go unseen in that, in that space. So

01:17:11.199 --> 01:17:15.600
it's kind of my, my motive. is like okay you're

01:17:15.600 --> 01:17:19.180
a new mom like just know you don't you can say

01:17:19.180 --> 01:17:21.380
no to me but I'll just check in I'm gonna be

01:17:21.380 --> 01:17:23.600
there I'm gonna check in I'm gonna check in at

01:17:23.600 --> 01:17:27.399
a minimum you know yeah so was there anything

01:17:27.399 --> 01:17:30.159
else you want to share before we wrap up I'll

01:17:30.159 --> 01:17:33.680
share that uh literally only two nights ago my

01:17:33.680 --> 01:17:36.300
husband was so sleep deprived so we're still

01:17:36.300 --> 01:17:39.600
in the sleep deprivation by the way and delirious

01:17:39.600 --> 01:17:42.880
that he woke up and said, Ambry, what are you

01:17:42.880 --> 01:17:44.920
doing? And mind you, I was sleeping right next

01:17:44.920 --> 01:17:47.640
to him. And I was like, what do you mean? And

01:17:47.640 --> 01:17:50.319
then he shined his cell phone light at the window

01:17:50.319 --> 01:17:52.520
and he's like, oh, I thought you were standing

01:17:52.520 --> 01:17:55.880
looking out the window. And then I was like,

01:17:55.920 --> 01:17:59.680
what? Do we need to call a priest and bless our

01:17:59.680 --> 01:18:02.640
house? He went back to sleep. And the whole night

01:18:02.640 --> 01:18:05.079
I couldn't sleep because I was like, did you

01:18:05.079 --> 01:18:07.279
just see? And then the next morning he was like,

01:18:07.340 --> 01:18:09.199
yeah, I thought you were like contemplating life,

01:18:09.279 --> 01:18:10.899
just staring out the window. I was like, so you

01:18:10.899 --> 01:18:13.500
saw something? He's like, no, I was like truly

01:18:13.500 --> 01:18:16.680
hallucinating. I'm like, was so tired. I was

01:18:16.680 --> 01:18:18.859
like, well, I couldn't sleep the rest of the

01:18:18.859 --> 01:18:22.079
night. So that probably was another mom moment.

01:18:22.100 --> 01:18:26.819
Just real. but wild sleep deprivation is a wild

01:18:26.819 --> 01:18:30.380
yes it is like people compare it to being like

01:18:30.380 --> 01:18:33.520
on acid it's why it is because you have to i

01:18:33.520 --> 01:18:36.880
mean how we're supposed to sleep so yeah i will

01:18:36.880 --> 01:18:40.619
also say like separate of this. It's so funny

01:18:40.619 --> 01:18:42.659
because Laura, I think originally I was supposed

01:18:42.659 --> 01:18:46.359
to be on a podcast for like self -care. And then

01:18:46.359 --> 01:18:48.600
I think I shared like, I'm just now starting

01:18:48.600 --> 01:18:50.300
that. And we were like, let's not talk about

01:18:50.300 --> 01:18:52.100
that. But I will say again, going back to the

01:18:52.100 --> 01:18:54.439
mom who's struggling and this being a season,

01:18:54.579 --> 01:18:56.560
like, okay, I have a 60 month old and a three

01:18:56.560 --> 01:18:58.199
month old. That might not be your story, but

01:18:58.199 --> 01:19:01.220
I'm like, I go to the gym now every day with

01:19:01.220 --> 01:19:03.859
them. I take them with me and I have one hour

01:19:03.859 --> 01:19:06.920
to myself and there's childcare and I'm okay

01:19:06.920 --> 01:19:10.670
with the child. childcare. Like, and I, I'm with

01:19:10.670 --> 01:19:13.170
my friends and my community. Like, so it's been

01:19:13.170 --> 01:19:15.470
three years. My son's almost three, like I spent

01:19:15.470 --> 01:19:18.029
three years and that's like the first routine

01:19:18.029 --> 01:19:21.829
I've really figured out for myself. And it, before

01:19:21.829 --> 01:19:24.390
this, I would say it really wasn't working. And

01:19:24.390 --> 01:19:26.850
I tried. going to the rec center. I tried doing

01:19:26.850 --> 01:19:29.729
5 a .m. morning classes. I tried doing 7 p .m.

01:19:29.729 --> 01:19:32.350
evening classes. I tried childcare classes. I

01:19:32.350 --> 01:19:34.430
tried night childcare. It just had to be this

01:19:34.430 --> 01:19:36.289
season that I was in. And it's finally working.

01:19:36.449 --> 01:19:38.609
And now that it's working, it's hard to me picture

01:19:38.609 --> 01:19:41.529
my days without it, truthfully. So I'm like,

01:19:41.550 --> 01:19:44.890
just know like if it's not sticking, like it

01:19:44.890 --> 01:19:47.029
was so defeating, but I'm like, you will get,

01:19:47.090 --> 01:19:49.510
there'll be a season where it doesn't have to

01:19:49.510 --> 01:19:52.050
be the gym. It can be like your passion point,

01:19:52.130 --> 01:19:55.720
but like something for you. and something where

01:19:55.720 --> 01:19:58.039
you can have a break. I think that most gyms,

01:19:58.039 --> 01:19:59.720
you could go to the rec center and not work out.

01:19:59.800 --> 01:20:01.460
You could just put your kids in the childcare

01:20:01.460 --> 01:20:05.279
and go sit and finish a cup of coffee. Like just

01:20:05.279 --> 01:20:08.619
something where you can have just an hour of

01:20:08.619 --> 01:20:12.720
time separate of meeting a need and just sipping

01:20:12.720 --> 01:20:16.800
on coffee. You try it now. If it's not sticking,

01:20:16.920 --> 01:20:18.579
don't get defeated. Just keep trying, keep trying,

01:20:18.619 --> 01:20:20.159
keep trying because you will have a season where

01:20:20.159 --> 01:20:22.090
you'll be able to do that. for sure. Really good.

01:20:22.289 --> 01:20:25.270
I'm taking all the advice. Well, you guys are

01:20:25.270 --> 01:20:27.810
in it. You guys are in it. You're in it too.

01:20:28.029 --> 01:20:30.510
I mean, I mean, no, I'm seeing more of the light.

01:20:30.550 --> 01:20:33.069
I think, I think I'm seeing more like if my kids

01:20:33.069 --> 01:20:36.109
would sleep, I mean, but no, you get, you, you

01:20:36.109 --> 01:20:39.390
have, that's, and she just gave her baby a bottle

01:20:39.390 --> 01:20:43.329
this whole class, this whole podcast. And like,

01:20:43.470 --> 01:20:46.069
you're in it, you're meeting a lot of needs.

01:20:46.109 --> 01:20:48.640
So that's hard. Thank you guys so much for having

01:20:48.640 --> 01:20:50.619
me. Thank you. Well, we like to wrap up with

01:20:50.619 --> 01:20:52.699
our win of the week. Do you have one you would

01:20:52.699 --> 01:20:55.720
like to share? I don't know if it's going to

01:20:55.720 --> 01:20:58.220
sound holier than thou, but it was a huge win.

01:20:59.039 --> 01:21:02.300
Tripp recites the armor of God at night now.

01:21:04.809 --> 01:21:07.109
He won't let us pray for him at night because

01:21:07.109 --> 01:21:09.569
praying now means it's time to go to sleep. So

01:21:09.569 --> 01:21:12.350
we're trying to figure out when to pray because

01:21:12.350 --> 01:21:14.930
he literally hates praying because he doesn't

01:21:14.930 --> 01:21:18.569
want to go to sleep. But he will put on his armor.

01:21:18.729 --> 01:21:22.569
And so this week he does it every night. He looks

01:21:22.569 --> 01:21:25.289
in the mirror and I say the helmet and he goes,

01:21:25.329 --> 01:21:27.689
of salvation. the breastplate of righteousness,

01:21:28.010 --> 01:21:30.329
the belt of truth, shoes of peace, sword of the

01:21:30.329 --> 01:21:33.050
spirit, shield of faith. And I say, now we're

01:21:33.050 --> 01:21:35.289
ready. And I thought every time we say we're

01:21:35.289 --> 01:21:37.869
ready for battle, but for some reason, and then

01:21:37.869 --> 01:21:39.630
I say, now we're ready. And he says for bed.

01:21:39.970 --> 01:21:41.789
And I was like, no, that's true. We are ready

01:21:41.789 --> 01:21:46.449
for bed. And I was like, okay, something's stuck.

01:21:46.630 --> 01:21:48.970
You know, like we only, we only did that a few

01:21:48.970 --> 01:21:51.829
times, but he, he listened. So I was like, that

01:21:51.829 --> 01:21:53.850
was a big deal. That's super sweet. That's so

01:21:53.850 --> 01:21:57.100
sweet. My win of the week. I don't think I shared

01:21:57.100 --> 01:21:59.899
this yet. If I did, I apologize. You know, mom

01:21:59.899 --> 01:22:05.399
brain. Right. My win. So we we have just recently

01:22:05.399 --> 01:22:09.020
started like. praying with Colt at mealtime.

01:22:09.020 --> 01:22:12.100
Like we always pray before bed, but now at mealtime,

01:22:12.220 --> 01:22:15.199
we've been praying with him before we eat. And

01:22:15.199 --> 01:22:18.079
he has like been reminding us and prompting us

01:22:18.079 --> 01:22:20.520
and he'll like sit there and fold his hands and

01:22:20.520 --> 01:22:22.640
then he'll go, mommy. And then I'm like, okay,

01:22:22.680 --> 01:22:25.039
I got my hands folded. And then daddy, daddy

01:22:25.039 --> 01:22:28.539
fold hands. And then he'll fold his hands. And

01:22:28.539 --> 01:22:30.840
then it's always the same. We say, dear Jesus,

01:22:31.079 --> 01:22:33.779
thank you for our food. Thank you for our family.

01:22:33.859 --> 01:22:38.119
Amen. And he'll like say food. family and then

01:22:38.119 --> 01:22:43.020
we say amen and he signs amen and mind we pray

01:22:43.020 --> 01:22:45.340
multiple times through the throughout the meal

01:22:45.340 --> 01:22:48.859
now like seven or eight times yeah just whenever

01:22:48.859 --> 01:22:51.399
he wants he stops he folds his hands and we start

01:22:51.399 --> 01:22:54.640
all over again and it is it is so sweet and i'm

01:22:54.640 --> 01:22:56.979
like same thing it's like okay something yeah

01:22:56.979 --> 01:22:59.560
something is sticking and like this is how we

01:22:59.560 --> 01:23:02.460
teach our kids about jesus yeah and that is like

01:23:02.920 --> 01:23:05.399
it's so cool to just see him start to pick up

01:23:05.399 --> 01:23:08.039
on those little things. And I'm like, okay, we're

01:23:08.039 --> 01:23:11.100
doing, I mean, we're doing something right. And

01:23:11.100 --> 01:23:13.439
all the chaos and all the frustration that we

01:23:13.439 --> 01:23:16.800
feel every single day when he does this, it's

01:23:16.800 --> 01:23:19.500
like, okay, something is ticking and something

01:23:19.500 --> 01:23:23.199
is going right in his brain. Yeah, yeah. He's

01:23:23.199 --> 01:23:25.420
like, I want this again and again. That's really

01:23:25.420 --> 01:23:28.699
cute. What about you, Erica? So mine, speaking

01:23:28.699 --> 01:23:32.439
of just feeling like a terrible mother. We just

01:23:32.439 --> 01:23:35.159
had a day the other day. You're welcome. No,

01:23:35.279 --> 01:23:37.079
we just had, like, a day the other day. And it's

01:23:37.079 --> 01:23:39.159
one of those days where it's like, like, I know

01:23:39.159 --> 01:23:40.640
I wasn't at my best. I know I was probably hard

01:23:40.640 --> 01:23:43.439
on myself, but it was like, I was not being patient.

01:23:43.560 --> 01:23:46.039
I, you know, was very short -tempered, all of

01:23:46.039 --> 01:23:48.000
the things. And then Lloyd just had, like, a

01:23:48.000 --> 01:23:50.380
terrible time going down for bed on top of all

01:23:50.380 --> 01:23:52.979
that, naturally. But the second time he got up

01:23:52.979 --> 01:23:55.619
at night was, like, right when we were going

01:23:55.619 --> 01:23:57.779
to bed. And so Stuart was like, okay, I'll go

01:23:57.779 --> 01:23:59.279
take care of him. You get ready for bed. I was

01:23:59.279 --> 01:24:02.590
like, great. And then, like, a few minutes later,

01:24:02.810 --> 01:24:04.449
Stuart comes and knocks on the bathroom door,

01:24:04.590 --> 01:24:06.829
and he has Lloyd, and he's like, he just wanted

01:24:06.829 --> 01:24:10.409
you. And I was like, I felt like a terrible mom

01:24:10.409 --> 01:24:12.430
today, but, like, clearly I'm doing something

01:24:12.430 --> 01:24:14.930
right because he wanted me this time, which was

01:24:14.930 --> 01:24:17.649
really sweet. So that's my win of the week. Oh,

01:24:17.649 --> 01:24:21.390
I love that. Good job, guys. Well, thank you

01:24:21.390 --> 01:24:23.409
for listening to No Manual, and thank you for

01:24:23.409 --> 01:24:26.109
being on Ambry. We really appreciate it. Thank

01:24:26.109 --> 01:24:29.689
you for having me. Great conversation. And I

01:24:29.689 --> 01:24:32.510
think a lot of moms will relate and feel really

01:24:32.510 --> 01:24:35.550
seen by what you said. Good. I hope so. Well,

01:24:35.550 --> 01:24:38.310
thank you for listening. We hope you enjoyed

01:24:38.310 --> 01:24:41.689
and tune in next week. Please rate, review, subscribe,

01:24:42.050 --> 01:24:44.750
all the things. And we will see you soon. See

01:24:44.750 --> 01:24:46.010
you soon. Bye.