Hey everyone, welcome back to No Manual Momcast
where this is a place for moms to feel connected,
feel like you're not alone, and talk about the
realness and reality of motherhood. So today
we get to talk about adjusting to two under two.
So both Erica and I have two under the age of
two and we're just in the thick of it right now.
We both have newborns and then our toddlers are
like 20 to 21 months old. And so we're just kind
of in it right now and just want to chat about
just the reality of the difficulties of adjusting
to 202 and the fun and all that it has to offer.
But let's first start with our mom moment of
the week. Do you want to share yours first? Yeah,
so this happened last night. So this week, Stuart
has multiple commitments in the evening. So he
was gone last night and he'll be gone again tonight.
And that means he's gone for bedtime. And usually
our bedtime routine is like all four of us together.
It's like, you know, we get the kids in their
pajamas and then we read a book together. And
then Lloyd helps us put Zayda on her passanet.
Then we do all of that. So. Last night, I was
on my own. I was like, you know, I'm just going
to leave Zeta in her swing. She's content right
now. Yeah. I'm going to do a quick bedtime with
Lloyd, get him down, call it good, you know,
then take care of Zeta, blah, blah, blah. Not
the move. Dang it. So first, Lloyd was like super
sad and he always gets a little bit sad if Stuart's
gone, because like he likes saying good night
to. dad and that also generally means that he
won't see him until after Stuart gets home from
work for the next day. So it's like a long time
before he gets to see dad again. So he was like
kind of sad and he like started crying. Then
also Zeta started crying. So I was like, okay,
I'm going to give him a second because sometimes
it's just like the initial like shock of going
to bed, whatever. So I like, and he's in his
crib. He's in his crib. Okay. So I like put him
down. leave the room, turn out the lights, turn
on the music, and he starts crying. I go to check
on Zeta. I can tell she's hungry. So I'm like,
OK, I'm going to feed her and see if he calms
down while I'm feeding her. I feed her on one
side and he doesn't. So I'm like, OK, going to
put her down and go check on him. And I'm like,
oh, well, his room's a little bit hot. So maybe
I should turn on the air conditioning. It's like
right in that season where the house kind of
gets hot, but you don't really need. Yeah. So
I like go in again, like give him a hug. Like,
it's OK, buddy. Put him back down. I tell him
I usually make things worse or it can help. It
can help. OK, kind of depends on what it is.
So I tried that trying again. So I turn on the
air conditioning. Go try to feed data on the
other side again, like maybe once his room starts
going down, he's going to calm down. Doesn't
help. So I'm like, well, maybe he usually like.
Again, part of our routine is that he puts his
sister to bed. So maybe like that's part of what's
turning him off. So I like take her into his
room, turn the light on low. I put her in his
crib with him to be like, do you want to say
good night to your sister? Oh, yeah. And that
seemed to help. Uh huh. And then so he like calmed
down for a little bit. Well, all of this is happening.
Our air conditioning is making a weird noise
that it's never made before, and it's only making
it in the fan like Right above Floyd's room.
So like if I'm in the kitchen, no noise if I'm
in our bedroom, we're good Yeah, it's like it
sounds like a UFO is landing in the Twilight
Zone. Like that's the sound that's happening
so then finally like he starts crying again and
it's like not quite as bad like kind of just
like Fussing so I'm like, okay. He's getting
better. He's starting to like calm down but That
fan is really annoying. I bet that's keeping
him up. So finally I turn the AC off. She's crying
and doesn't want to calm down. Then Stuart finally
gets home. It's 9 .30 and he's like, how's it
going? Everyone fell asleep by 8 .30? I was like,
oh no. It's been maybe 20 minutes that everyone's
been calm. And he's like, okay, let me get you
a snack. Thanks. You're like, I need it. At the
thing he was at, they had Chick -fil -A. And
so he brought me a Chick -fil -A sandwich because
they had leftovers. Nice. And that was my snack.
Like this makes things a little better. But yeah,
it took and like for context, bedtime is like
730. So like sometimes Lloyd doesn't fall asleep
till like eight. Yeah. Maybe a little bit later,
depending on like the night, whatever. But so
for no one to fall asleep till like after nine
is a long time. That is a long time. Do you feel
like you? Were panicked in this moment or was
it like I think I was more just like kind of
annoyed really like yeah, that sounds terrible,
but it's more just like I Feel like I can't get
anyone to calm down. Mm -hmm. And you're like,
what am I doing wrong here? Why like I don't
know Like Lloyd didn't eat a ton of dinner. So
I'm like, is he hungry? Should I give him a snack?
Is that gonna make it worse if I give him a snack
right now? And you have to restart the bedtime
routine Exactly. And then I was like is he just
not gonna fall asleep till dad gets home until
he can say good night to his dad which like that's
never happened before but I could see like if
everything's thrown off enough if he's just like
Like he got to see Stuart for like 20 minutes
yesterday just based on like how the day was
so Yeah, so that's how that's hard Finally fell
asleep. Hopefully. I guess that's not how we're
gonna do bedtime routine tonight because that
did not go well. Gosh. That's really hard. Yeah,
it was. It was a time. Oh, man. What's your mom
moment this week? My mom moment has to do with
adjusting to two under two. So Colt, and we'll
talk about this more too, Colt has been having
a really hard time adjusting to having a little
brother. And I know it'll be good. eventually.
But every time, pretty much every time when Colt
is awake and I'm holding Cruz, Colt will look
at me, sign all done, and say, daddy, baby. Like,
daddy, hold the baby. All done, daddy, baby.
And I'm like, hey buddy, like mommy's feeding
the baby right now, like I gotta hold him. And
it's like full blown tantrum. almost every single
time. And that has been a journey of just trying
to help Colt understand like, hey, mommy's got
to hold the baby for a little bit. And but I
can hold you too. And I'll like try to hold him
next to me or we'll try to distract him with
like we got him like special toys that he can
play with while I'm feeding the baby. And that's
like when he's allowed to play with those. That
can help sometimes. But he's also a one and a
half year old. So the attention span isn't there.
No. And I'm like, when I feed Cruz, it's like,
it's like a long, it can be a long process. Like
it can be like 30 minutes and that's like not
going to fly with Colt. And if he can't have
me for 30 minutes. Yeah. So Michael will try
to like distract Colt and they'll go outside
or like. They'll even go in the car and go somewhere.
And it's just, I mean, it's been a journey of
trying to help Colt understand that I have to
hold the baby at some point. Yeah. Yeah. So that's
my mom moment. It happens multiple times a day.
Great. That's a fun time. Yeah. So overall, how
has your adjustment been? What does that even
look like for you guys? It has been really, really
difficult actually. And I knew it would be just
knowing how attached Colt has been to me and
how needy he is, which is great. I'm glad that
he needs me. I'm glad that he wants to be with
me. But that has been the hardest part, honestly,
has been our toddler. Cruz has been, I mean,
he's three weeks old now. He's been a pretty
chill baby. Nights are hard, obviously. But he's
he's been the easy one. Yeah. No, I definitely
feel like having an infant the second time is
the easiest part. Yes. We're like, yeah, they're
you know, you're tired when they're waking up
every two hours, whatever. But like one, you
already kind of know some like tips and tricks.
You know, you've survived this before. So even
the sleepless nights, you can be like, OK, we
got through this once. Yeah. You know, like he
will eventually. sleep more than two hours at
a time yeah and with the infant phase that's
been all of it for me is i'm like i've done all
this before it doesn't last forever it is exhausting
it is have breastfeeding all the time yeah but
it just but it's fine yeah it just kind of is
what it is and it feels easier like i feel like
i can take in the newborn bliss, I guess, a little
bit more this time around. I'm not as stressed
about every little thing. Yeah, you know more.
Like, I mean, the example I keep thinking of
for me, and Zeta hasn't been sick yet, thankfully,
but I remember with Lloyd, like the entire time.
he was like a baby baby anytime he'd like get
sick and feel a little warm I'd be so stressed
that he would have a fever and I'd take a temperature
and he would never have a fever it'd be like
he was warm because the room was warm or because
he was crying or something like that and then
the day that he like finally got a real fever
and I like felt his skin I was like oh oh this
is it like feels it like your skin feels sick
yeah it feels completely different than like
being warm because you're running around or being
warm because of any other number of things that
happen and like our body temperature rises like
your skin feels ill yeah and so there's stuff
like that like clammy and yeah yep so there's
stuff like that where this time around i'm like
okay i'm less stressed yeah you know if she's
like a little bit warm i'm like oh maybe we just
need to like put her in a different onesie or
something like that you know i'm not automatically
like oh does she have a fever Yeah, no, I feel
that entirely. Like, poor Colt has had a really,
really hard time adjusting. Like, I can just
see it in, like, he's been sleeping terribly.
He's been having more tantrums. He's super jealous,
like, hasn't been eating as good. So it's just
been affecting him in every aspect, which makes
me feel pretty terrible. Obviously, I have all
these hormones, like, readjusting and everything
like that. But in two senses, I feel terrible.
I feel terrible of like, oh, I've taken away
attention from Colt and he doesn't understand
why. And that part makes me feel bad. And you
can't really explain it. Like you can try as
much as you want. But yeah. And then the other
aspect is like, like I talked about in the mom
moment of like, Colt doesn't want me to hold
Cruz, which makes me give Cruz to Michael a lot
to hold. And so then there's the other aspect
of like, I don't feel like I'm bonding with my
newborn baby as much as I want to or should be.
And that part is like really hard for me to emotionally
wrap my head around because I'm like, I've been
like physically attached to Cruz, this little
tiny baby for nine months. And now I'm just like,
Here, Michael, you got to hold the baby because
Colt won't Colt won't let me hold the baby, which
I know there's the side of like, oh, he's just
got to get used to it too. But yeah, I'm trying
to like trying to be there for everybody, which
is really so difficult. And also take care of
myself as I'm still like kind of recovering from
from having a baby three weeks ago. I don't know.
I just feel like I'm being pulled in so many
different like emotional directions and and physical
directions too for sure of like trying to be
like there for every every child in my home and
wrap my head around like everything we've just
been through and all the change and and it's
just been a lot so my adjustment has been not
the easiest how's it been for how's it been for
you You know, I think ours definitely has not
been as dramatic as your guys's. Lloyd has like,
so definitely would agree the hardest part is
having a toddler amongst us rather than like
having a newborn. But he loves his baby sister,
which is like really sweet. It is super hard
and like I definitely. agree with you of just
like feeling pulled in all the directions and
you know feeling guilty because I'm like I can't
read that book to you right this second or I
can't help you with x y or z you know and he
he does this little help up which means help
help yeah and it's so cute and so sweet and like
there are times I'm like dude I'm like I wish
I could but I can't you know I'm I'm feeding
your sister right now Does that usually create
a tantrum or anything? Sometimes. Understand
for the most part or somewhat. Yeah. I don't
know that he understands that he kind of just
like moves on. Yeah. Yeah. But then we definitely
have the times when it's like it turns into a
tantrum. And then I think more than anything,
the way my sister put it is like he's more aware
because I think he's definitely realized like,
oh, he gets attention when like if he gets hurt
or something. He gets attention. And so then
it's like, he hams it up a little bit more, you
know, or it's like, there are things where I'm
like, I know you wouldn't normally be this upset
about the fact that you just like tripped over
your own feet. But now you, now it's a little
more dramatic. Finally, there was one day that
I just, I told him, I was like, I don't know
if he's actually gonna understand what I'm saying,
but I'm gonna try. Cause he, He like fell but
it was one of those things where like did like
I feel like you fell on purpose Yeah, and then
he like kind of started crying. But again, I
was like I can tell you're not actually hurt
right now. Yeah And so I was like buddy if you
want a hug like you can just come ask me you
don't have to get hurt and like I think he understood
it because Now I also kind of that makes me feel
bad when there are times when I'm like, but now
I can't give you a hug Yeah, but he like I think
kind of understood it because after that it's
like he stopped not quite not all the time But
it's like he stopped pretending to get her at
least for attention and so he but he will like
come over to me and like put his arms up and
Just want a hug and just want a hug. So I'm like
trying to be like, oh, yeah He's still a little
guy. Like I think that's actually one of the
hardest things for me is like He's not even two.
No, he still needs his mom to like That's such
a silly thing to like have to remind myself of,
but it's like, yeah, he still needs snuggles
and affection and it looks different because
he's older, but he still needs that just as much
as Ada does, even though, you know, he's not
nursing or whatever. Yeah. I think one thing
to me that was so crazy was how big Colt seemed
after having Cruz. We also feel like Lloyd legitimately
went through a girls' party at the same time.
Like we were expecting him to look huge and then.
And then he just became huge. Yeah. But then
also we're like, he changed clothing. He like
moved up a clothing size at the same time. And
like his face looks like an adult now and all
of these things. But I think that plays a part
in like why it's so crazy to wrap your head around
all of that, because I don't know, like Colt
just looks like a little boy now. It's just weird
to wrap my head around that. Yeah. Yeah. What
has been like the most fun part for you? So,
I mean, I think definitely watching Lloyd become
a big brother. It's like we just didn't know
what to expect. And again, like there's stories
all over, right, of how kids react. And he's
just been so sweet and he likes to lay next to
her during tummy time and stuff like that, which
is really fun. I think that's been the most fun
part so far. That's so fun. What about for you
guys? I think like Yes, I talked about all the
hard that we have had in adjusting to 202, but
there are really sweet moments of it too. Like
Colt does like kiss his brother on the head and
he'll just do it out of nowhere. That's really
cute. Like he, yeah, he'll be like playing and
then he'll just stop and like see that his brother
is nearby and he like comes over and he still
has his passy. So he'll like take his passy out
and then like he knows that he should he needs
to kiss him on the head like he's tried to kiss
him like on the mouth multiple times and we've
we're trying to not do that we're not doing that
yeah and so he like knows to gently kiss him
on the head and sometimes he doesn't even like
make contact with his head he'll be like a foot
away and he'll just i'm like it's that's so nice
buddy so sweet yeah and so that is been has been
really really really sweet to see him do that,
or he'll come over and just like, he sees him
like patting his back or trying to burp the baby,
and he'll just like come over and try to help
me pat him. Yeah, and that is, I mean, that's
just so cute. It's really funny when we're at
the dinner table, because like, obviously Zeta's
with us there a lot of the time, and like, if
one of us is patting her back, Lloyd just like
puts his hand out and like... Pats in the air
and then he'll do it until we like move her close
enough to him that he can like pat her back a
couple times. That's really cute. I love that.
So what what what do you think was harder for
you? Zero to one or one to two? One to two. Oh
really? Yeah, I I really do. And maybe it's because
I'm just like in it right now. Sure. And I know
like the majority of people I talked with before
giving birth said that zero to one was the hardest
for them. And I can see, like I see that the
reality of that. But now that I'm in the thick
of like one to two, I think that just the multitasking
and trying to keep my toddler entertained and
happy and feeling like he's getting the attention
that he needs has been really an adjustment for
us. But I also, I don't know, I go back to zero
to one and being like that was like our whole
lives changed. Yeah, that's the thing that I
feel like is the something like I think zero
to one was harder for us. Yeah. But that's like
the big difference is like before you have kids,
there's so many things like I think of some of
the things we did before we had kids. Like there
was one time there was a baseball game we wanted
to go to and we bought tickets like five hours
before and we were out till like 12 or one a
.m. and just like That was like spontaneity.
Yeah, it was super spontaneous. And now we're
like, could we do that? Maybe like, you know,
maybe we'd have grandparents available on short
notice to babysit or. We just decide that it
was going to be an exhausting night. We definitely
wouldn't stay out as late this time, but like,
so you have like these life change adjustments
or like even just leaving the house, right? Where
you're like, okay, it's going to take me half
an hour to get ready to leave the house. And
so then the adjustment from one to two, like
you're already thinking about all those things,
right? You know, if you want to do something
last minute, you're already thinking about like,
is this possible? Like, could we get a babysitter
last minute or like, is this something we could
take the kids to or? you know and leaving the
house you're already like planning for that extra
half hour yeah to get everyone together so like
you still need a little more time now because
you have two kids yeah but it like not the big
jump like just getting yourself out of the house
versus getting yourself and kids out of the house
yeah there's a lot of thinking through everything
and like well is the baby gonna need to eat like
you gotta repack the diaper bag you know everything
yeah Yeah, I would say one to two has definitely
been a hard adjustment, a harder adjustment for
us. But in reality, I can I feel like a lot of
the zero to one transition for me, I totally
forgot about. And the reality of it was like,
I was not mentally OK in the zero to one transition.
Right. And so I think I really I actually just
blocked a lot of that out. And maybe that's.
Yeah, and you've talked about that, like you
ended up going to counseling after school because
it was really tough mentally. Yes. It was just
like, I had extreme anxiety and maybe that's
why I just kind of blocked it out. But this time
around, I haven't felt that as much. That's what
I was going to ask. Yeah. I definitely have like
the, like the jumping to crazy conclusions a
little bit. Like one thing that, yeah, I've been
having recently is like, at nighttime, I'll check
Colt's monitor. And I just keep envisioning someone
breaking into our house and literally just me
watching him being kidnapped on the monitor.
That's one thing. I don't know why I didn't think
that this would be a thing. with intrusive thoughts
with the second one is now you have two kids
to have intrusive thoughts about. Yes. For some
reason, like, I guess I didn't think about it
a ton, but I guess in my mind I was like, I'm
just going to have intrusive thoughts about new
baby. It's like, no, now I have two kids and
I have one that I've known longer, to be honest.
Yeah. That I can have, because almost all of
my intrusive thoughts have been Lloyd centered
this time around. Really? Like there've been
like a couple where it's like, oh, I'm accidentally
going to drop her walking down the stairs or,
you know, some stuff like that that like I also
had with Lloyd, but like the specific ones are
all very Lloyd centered. I would say probably
the same for me too. And it's more just like,
yeah, like things happening to him when I'm not
there. Yeah, something like that. Yeah, like
the whole kidnapping thing or him like falling
down the stairs, which he has done before, but
like just all these. crazy, drastic things that
it's been wild. But yeah, this time around, I
feel like I'm less anxious, especially about
my newborn. Like Colt had really bad reflux,
so he spit up a ton and Cruz has it too. But
I'm not like nearly as concerned this time. Like
it just is what it is. Like we're going through
multiple outfits a day. And again, you're kind
of like. Okay, we got through this the first
time. Yeah, I'm like there's an end in sight
like we can we can get through it It's nothing
we haven't been through before Yes, it kind of
sucks in the night whenever he spits up in his
bassinet and I have to change his clothes or
Change his swaddle and and change the sheet that
he's sleeping on but I'm not nearly as concerned
that he's gonna Choke on his spit up and die
in his sleep, you know, right whereas with Colt
it was like that was all new to me Yeah. And
I just had no clue. Right. And I was like scared
of, yeah, scared of his eating and if he was
gaining enough and holding enough in. And this
time it's not as concerning for me, I guess.
Yeah, no, I would agree. There's just like so
many little things that like you Google the first
time around. And I also feel like there's a level
of you're given so many rules. as a mom like
whether that's from like actual doctors or just
like what you see online and what you know you've
read and all of those things and as a first time
mom I think I felt like if one of those rules
wasn't working that meant I was failing as a
mom and now this time I'm kind of like like one
of the things was and I'm sure you heard this
too it's like to like create good sleep habits,
you need to put your infant in their bassinet
drowsy but awake. Yep. Drowsy but awake. So tried
that so much with Lloyd and it ended in tears
from everyone. Yes. Every single time because
he would just be screaming. And then I'm like,
do I leave? Like, what do I do? I don't know.
And then finally, we just stopped doing that
and he was fine. Yeah. And then he would sleep.
Yeah. And all of that. And so with Zeta, I'm
like, well, I try it. Sure. If it doesn't work,
then I'll move on. and I'll try something else
and figure out what does work for her and what
works for us and our family. So I feel like you
know when to break the rules more. What are the
ones that are like, oh no, that's actually a
life and death thing or a health thing that we
should be really following or much more concerned
about, whatever. And then what are the ones that
are like, okay, someone online said this and
it might work for some kids and that's great
and it might not work for ours and that's fine
and then we'll figure out what works for us and
that's it. Yeah. Yeah. I feel like as we're talking
about this more, I think I want to change my
answer to, I think zero to one probably was harder.
And like another thing that I'm thinking of that
makes me think that is like this is the sleep
deprivation. Like going from zero to one, you
just have no clue what the sleep deprivation
feels like, what it's going to be like. And this
time around, I feel like I've just accepted the
fact like, Oh, I'm going to, I'm going to be
tired. And like, yes, I'm going to wake up multiple
times a night. And that's just it is what it
is right now. I think the sleep deprivation for
me from zero to one was the hardest aspect of
like adjusting our lives to having a child was
like the no sleep because sleep to me was so
precious. Right. And you just like don't get
to choose when you sleep. No, it's like the reality
is like when the baby's hungry, like They're
hungry. They're hungry. You got to wake up and
you got to feed the baby and like you're changing
diapers or changing clothes or whatever. Yeah.
And that time. The other thing with like the
sleep deprivation is, and just like sleep in
general, is babies are such noisy sleepers. Yes.
I did not know that. I had people, like I had
heard that going in, but like, you don't know
until you know. No. Like there were so many.
times when I'm sure I woke Lloyd up and he was
just like being a noisy sleeper and because you're
so worried of like I don't want to like if he's
hungry I don't want to miss it and yeah and you
think they're awake right it like really sounds
like they're awake and so this time around I
think I've gotten better sleep because I'm like
I'm just going till she's like till I know for
a fact she's awake till she's like actually crying
or like eyes are open or something like that
that I'm like Guarantee she's awake instead of
just thinking that the little grunts in the like
because sometimes I mean especially I feel like
Lloyd did this too, but I can say for sure with
Zeta their time So I'm like, she's like let out
a cry and I've like turned on the light and looked
at her and she's fast asleep Yes, same with Cruz
and I'm sure that happened with Lloyd and instead
of just like Okay I'm just gonna go back to sleep.
Yeah, and like she'll wake me up if she's actually
awake then like with Lord I feel like I would
have like Picked him up and woke him up and made
it worse for everyone. Yeah, I remember with
Cole I I'm sure I woke him up multiple times
but there was one specific time that I remember
picking him up and it literally like his whole
body like startled and jumped and like the startle
reflex thing, but like I felt so terrible because
I was like Oh, I literally just woke him up out
of the deepest sleep thinking he was awake. Right.
And now I'm having to do this whole like feed
him change, you know, I'm having to do all this
and I'm so mad at myself because I just woke
him up when I could be sleeping. He could be
sleeping. So we all would be happier. Yeah. Yeah.
But that was one thing that I I don't think anyone
had told me was how noisy of a sleeper. I had
been told that and I was definitely not prepared
for like what that actually it's like almost
like being with someone who sleep talks. Yes.
Which Colt does now, which is funny and fun.
Because then what does he talk about in his sleep?
Just random words. He'll just. That's adorable.
Yeah, it is really cute. But I think he's awake
in there. Right. So same thing for like my toddler
now, too, is like, I think he's awake. I feel
like. Yeah. Now that we talk about it more, I
want to change my answer to zero to one is harder
because it is such, it's literally an entire
life adjustment. Whereas with one to two, yeah,
there's certain parts of your life that are adjusting,
but you've already had like one to adjust to.
It's just now adding. Yeah. And there is a lot
of shock with one to two as well. It's just like
different. Yeah. What has been like the most
surprising? aspect. I think like simultaneously
how easy and how hard it is. Yeah. Because like
I mean it depends on the day for sure and there
are certain days when I'm like wow why don't
people have all the kids like this is so easy
and then there are other days like I told you
yesterday morning I like Texas sewer. And I was
like, guess how long it was before all three
of us were crying simultaneously today. And he
was like, was it an hour? And I was like, no,
we didn't even make it an hour this morning before
we all got up and all of us were crying because
that's like just the reality. So I think like,
yeah, I guess the most surprising thing is like
some days and I don't know why this is even surprising
because this is also just motherhood is like,
yeah, some days we're doing great. And I'm like,
we went to Costco. just the three of us and got
grocery shopping done and you know we made it
to the park just the three of us and i'm you
know feel like i'm nailing it and then how i
guess how easy that can flip because then it's
like oh and then one thing went wrong and now
Now it's full of tantrums and I'm holding on
by a thread and I don't know what Zeta wants
and and and and all in your head about everything
and yeah and like obviously like he's Lloyd's
gonna be in therapy in 20 years talking about
this because because of this one thing that happened
yeah yeah that's so true. What about you what's
been the most surprising? I think for me I think
how maybe how I am as a mother has been the most
surprising. And what I mean by that is, yes,
my toddler has been wanting my attention so much,
but I think my mindset has changed towards the
newborn phase. I think with Colt, I felt like
I should hold him all the time, 24 -7, every
single nap. I just needed to hold him because
he... I felt like he needed me to. And with Cruz,
I think that mindset has kind of shifted. And
I don't know if this makes me sound like a terrible
mother, but I feel like with Cruz, it's like,
oh, he's okay with me putting him down and letting
him have some floor time and tummy time on his
own for 15, 20 minutes while I'm playing with
Colt. Stewart's comment was how much more comfortable
we are with crying now yes yeah so one of our
like daily routine things is so Lloyd helps us
put Zeta in her bassinet but she doesn't actually
go to sleep in her bassinet yet we just want
him to like feel like he's putting her to bed
yeah um and then after that I grab her and we
go downstairs and I usually put her in her swing
or on the floor something like that and I just
like tidy the house you know put toys away put
dishes away all of that And I don't take like
a super, it's like a five, 10 minute tidy. This
happens every night and almost every night she's
crying. And I know that she's either hungry or
just wants to be held. The thing is she can wait
five minutes for either of those things. She's
okay. She's not so hungry that she's gonna die
or anything like that in the five minutes that
she has to wait for me to feed her. If she wants
to be held, she can wait a couple of minutes
for me to hold her. It's not the end of the world
that she's crying. And this is like pretty much
a nightly routine where it's like she'll cry
for a few minutes. I get everything cleaned up
and then I grab her and we can all enjoy the
night. You know, Stuart and I can like have some
time, you know, have some time. You know, one
of us will be holding her for until we go to
bed kind of thing. Yeah. You know, the house
is clean, so we feel a little bit less stressed
because that's just you know, that's one of the
things for us is like a cluttered house just
feels super stressful. Yeah. And yeah, we're
not like as panicked of like, I have to fix whatever
she's crying about in this moment. Yeah. Like
obviously I don't want her to cry and I want
to fix. Fix it. Fix it. But it doesn't have to
be this like right now, especially if it's something
like, oh, I kind of I think I know why you're
crying. Yeah. You know, like if it's something
like if I thought she was hurt. or something
obviously that's different that would be different
but it's like no like you just want to be held
which is fine and i'm happy to hold you you got
to give me a minute though yeah yep yeah i think
the same thing like even when i was on my way
over here today like cruz pretty much cried the
entire drive over here and with col it was like
a it was like something inside of me needed to
fix it like if he cried it all in the car seat
i was pulling over and trying to give him his
passi or try to feed him and fix it right then
and try to get him to stop crying. And then this
time driving over here, I'm like, OK, I know
he's OK. He just doesn't want to be in his car
seat right now. He wants to be held or fed. But
I know he's OK. It's going to be a few minutes
of just... of crying and that's okay. Like it's
still brought up like, I don't know, like I wanted
to help him. But I was like, I know he's okay.
And so the reality is like, I can't pull over
every time. Like, especially if my toddler's
in the car too. Like I just have to be okay with
some tears and yeah. So I feel that entirely.
Yeah. So what do you think? I mean, you kind
of already talked about it, but what's been the
hardest adjustment? Honest, I think like I was
talking to one of my really good friends in California
about this That with two kids now, it feels a
lot like divide and conquer and so like Michael
will have Colt and I'll have Cruz or like vice
versa and it's not all it hasn't been a whole
lot of like all of us together Yeah, and that
has been a really hard adjustment for me And
I think something that I want to change and shift
around a little bit, because I don't want it
to always be divide and conquer. And I mean,
I don't think it always will. No. But right now
it feels that way. And it feels like I am not
getting a ton of time with my husband until the
nighttime. And then you're tired. And we're so
exhausted. Do we want to spend time together?
Or do we want to get sleep? Yeah. Yeah, exactly.
And so we'll watch a show together. We'll all
go to bed and then we'll start it over again
the next day and so I think that Yeah, but just
that mindset of like divide and conquer right
now is not What I want it to be for super long.
Yeah, and so I Would like to try to shift some
Aspects of how we're doing that but the reality
of it is like it's just what's working right
now I mean even like we try to do a lot of things
together, but it's like this weekend we went
to a playground and we would take turns one of
us would be sitting with Zeta while she was in
the stroller and the other would be chasing Lloyd
around and then we'd like and then you'd switch
out because like that's just kind of the reality
of how where you're at right now right now yeah
both kids need full attention so yeah it just
is what it is yeah yeah what about you The hardest
adjustment. I think it's been hard like not having
a one -on -one time with Lloyd. You know, it's
like we get little moments here and there where
it's like Zeta's content but even then usually
it's like he's helping her with tummy time or
something like that. Which like on the flip side
is also makes those moments when we do have like
you know a minute to just like be mama and Lloyd
again instead of like mama and Lloyd and Zeta.
It makes those moments way more special but it's
definitely hard to be like to go especially go
from like all of our time was Together just the
two of us and now it's not yeah, you know and
now we rarely get that Yeah, so that's been I
think that's been challenging Do you feel like
it's been hard to give yourself grace? I don't
know in those moments of I think it depends on
the day again I think sometimes I'm really good
at being like, you know, this is the season we're
in and it's fine and you know we're going to
get out of this and we'll, you know, I'll be
able to like do things with just him again at,
you know, some point. And then other days it
is that like mom guilt thing of like, well, I'm
the world's worst mother. And he's going to like,
why did I do this to my child? Right. He's going
to have all sorts of trauma because I couldn't
read Llama Llama with him every single day anymore.
Yeah. So, yeah, I mean, I do think it really
just like depends on the moment for the most
part. I think I'm pretty good at giving myself
grace. But yeah, then you have those, especially
when you're like postpartum you have those feelings
creep up of like oh, but like what if and Mm
-hmm. Yeah, just all of those hormones and feelings
and I feel that entirely Mm -hmm. Yeah, the grace
thing has been hard for me of like I just feel
like I and I think I mentioned this earlier of
like I just feel like I ruined Colt's life by
bringing another child into it, which I know
is entirely a lie but like I feel like, I mean,
it drastically changed his life. And he didn't
get to choose this. We chose to bring another
child into this world. If he could choose, he
probably would just have it be mommy, daddy,
and culty for the rest of eternity. Especially
as a one -year -old choosing, where he doesn't
have the understanding, because they're not friends
yet. They don't get to play together yet. you
know, in a year and two years and going on, that
starts to look different. It's like, oh no, you
get to be little buddies. But right now it's
just like, this thing is taking away my attention
from mom. And that's pretty much all it kind
of feels like. Yeah. So I pretty much every day,
I have a moment of like, oh, I feel so sad for
Colt and what we did. But in reality, it's like,
it's the best thing. And he just doesn't know
it yet. Like I said, yeah, I have wondered about
like the older sibling adjustment if gender plays
a part Because so Stewart's mom has some stories
and Stewart has a brother who's about the same
age gap from him his younger brother's about
the same age gap and she has stories of Stewart
adjusting and like kicking his brother. Yeah,
and I was like, I wonder if there's like some
intuitive thing Because Lloyd loves Zeta so much.
Like if it was a little brother, would it be
so different? If it was a little brother, if
he would be different. Yeah. Because then like
you said, it's been a tougher adjustment. So
I'm like, is there like, with boys, it's a competition
thing just right away. And with a boy and a girl,
it's like this thing of like a protective thing.
Yeah, I need to protect my little sister. And
that could be completely wrong. I have no idea.
I just wondered because it sounds like it could
be true. That's one of the things that I feel
like I've seen kind of consistently. And then
obviously just personality is going to have a
play a part into it, too. Yeah. Oh, for sure.
Yeah. Cole is a pretty he's a pretty violent
little boy. He has a lot of energy. So he he
actually has kicked Cruz already. And so that
was a That was a disciplinary thing after that,
but yeah. Oh yeah, you're remembering that moment,
buddy. How dare you bring that back up. Yeah,
I feel like, I mean, it's for sure a personality
thing, but it could, it could totally be a gender
thing too. Yeah. I mean, I could be, I have no
like actual evidence on that, but I have just
wondered if that makes it like, if there is just
an intuitive thing or. Any other thoughts about
adjusting to 202? I mean, it's hard. It's also
been a lot of fun. Is there anything you feel
like you've learned or like advice that you would
give someone else? I feel like I'm like, I'm
so in the thick of it that I feel like I don't,
maybe don't know what I'm doing yet. And maybe
that's my advice of like, it's okay to just not
know what you're doing. And like the reality
of going from zero to one is like, you really
don't know what you're doing. I don't know, you're
like figuring it out. And this one to two aspect
is like, yeah, I know what I'm doing, but...
You know what you're doing with an infant, but
you don't know what you're doing with multiple
kids. Yeah. And so I feel like a lot of the times
I'm just like a chicken with its head cut off,
like running around. I really don't know what
I'm doing and every day is different and I'm
like trying different things and trying to see
what works. And so I think my advice is like...
it's okay to just try different things and figure
out what works for you and your family. I don't
know how much I've also learned. Some of the
things that we've been trying, or at least I've
been trying to do, that I think help, but who
knows, is I try to talk to Zeta the same way
I talk to Lloyd. all the time I tell Lloyd, like,
you got to hold on because I'm feeding Zeta or
I'm changing her diaper or I'm helping Zeta or
whatever. So I try to say the same things to
Zeta like, Zeta, I know you're crying. Like,
I know you need me, but I'm making Lloyd's lunch.
So like, you got to wait till I'm done making
Lloyd's lunch or, you know, I'm helping Lloyd
with this because the reality is there are times
that she has to wait for things that I'm doing
for him. Yeah. But if I just ignore her it's
like in my mind like in my mind if I just ignore
her she doesn't really She's not she's not sent
you enough to like compute that I'm not saying
anything, but he does Yeah, right. So he doesn't
hear like he just hears that I'm constantly like
Lloyd you have to wait Lloyd you have to wait.
So I'm trying to like Make sure that he knows
that like Zeta also has to wait on you sometimes.
Yeah, and then the other thing is If like they're
both crying and everyone's safe. It's just a
time when everyone's crying. I try to help him
first, not because he's more important, but because
I want him to know that he's not being replaced.
And there are times when it's like, nope, Zeta's
gotta come first because of whatever it is. But,
and again, maybe that'll get from different complexes,
I don't know. No, I think that's really good.
I think I'm trying to have that mindset. as well
of like trying to be more aware. Yeah. I guess
of like, oh, my toddler's comprehending more
than my newborn right now. And so same thing
of like trying to help him. Yeah. And I feel
like they understand so at least like this sounds
terrible. At least Lloyd does. Like, I mean,
he just surprises me of how much he understands
all the time, you know, where because he doesn't
have a lot of words yet. I kind of don't give
him credit for that. So I'm trying to remind
myself, oh no, he understands so many things.
And so I want him to understand them correctly.
So I want him to understand them correctly and
kind of be in control of how he understands things
in a healthy way. Because I don't want him to
feel like he's replaced and I want him to feel
like he's a part of the family still and all
of that. So that's kind of how I try to treat
him. That's good. And that's really good advice.
Sometimes it works. Sometimes it doesn't. Sometimes
I just I don't do it well. So that's where the
grace comes in. Yeah. Yeah, we're all figuring
it out. And it's yeah, it's an adjustment for
sure. I guess it's been an extremely hard adjustment,
but also very rewarding. And like we get to see
the reward of it as they get older. Yeah. And
like The age gap is no small task, but it's also
has so much so many benefits to it that we'll
get to see the fruit of. Yeah. And I think it's
going to be really special to watch them grow
up together and be so close in age. Yeah. Even
though right now it's really tough. Yep. I agree.
Well, do you want to move to our mom ones of
the week? I would love to. What is yours? OK,
mine actually has to do with so last night. I
mentioned earlier in the podcast, like sleep
has just been super hard for Colts. Like he's
been waking up pretty much every single night,
anywhere from like one to four AM. And in the
past, like before Cruz was born, we would kind
of let him try to figure it out on his own in
his crib. And like he'd go back to sleep and
sleep till like six 30 usually. But now with
this adjustment, like we haven't. Really done
the cry it out thing as much and so like Michael
will Go in and pick him up out of his crib and
usually if he picks him up out of his crib You're
like locked in for the night So like you're either
rocking him for the rest of the night or like
Michael would take him into our guest room and
like they just would sleep in there for the rest
of the night, but last night it just was like
so much better sleep for all of us. And we were
so grateful, but Cruz gave us some good, pretty
good stretches, um, and slept until like eight
30 this morning or eight this morning. And then
Colt was, he was still up at five 45, but Michael
went in there and then like rocked him and Colt
went back to sleep until eight 30. And that just
was like, Michael and I both woke up this morning
and we were like, well, we feel like Totally
different people people. Yeah, like a little
bit extra sleep makes such a big difference Yeah,
it's and it's not like we like all slept through
the night or anything like that But like an extra
hour here and there there have been a couple
times, especially this time around where Sleep
didn't go super well, whatever and then I just
get like a half hour nap and I'm like, oh I'm
not just gonna cry all day anymore. Cool, like
I feel like a different person. Yeah, just a
little bit more sleep can make such a big difference.
Such a difference. Yeah, I feel like before kids,
it was like if I didn't get my eight hours of
sleep, I would be... Just ruined for the day,
but now I'm like, oh man I got four and a half
hours of sleep like I slept four hours straight
Yeah, like I feel like I can take on the world.
Yep. Yeah What about you? What's your win? Well,
this is from a couple weeks ago, but it's super
cute So we had sure it so every meal we all pray
together and we hold hands over praying you so
then a couple weeks ago we were at like a church
barbecue and lawyer Stuart and I were kind of
just like a little bit frazzled trying to get,
you know, everyone sitting at the table and like,
you know, somehow get all three of us plates
and I'm carrying Zeta and we're trying to make
sure Lloyd isn't just like wreaking havoc. So
somehow with only four arms, we're trying to
do all of this. Then we finally like we sit down
and Lloyd sitting between us and he just like
puts his hands out. Like we weren't prepared
to pray. We were just like getting ready for
lunch. And he just like puts his hands out like
he wants to hold them for a prayer. And he like
looks at both of us like. Obviously, like, like
we got to pray still. Yeah. And it was just super
cute that he like he knows that part of our routine
and he's like conditioned in that sense. Yeah.
But also it's like, yeah, it's just sweet. He
like understands it's important. And it was super
sweet that he remembered and he knows that's
part of our routine. I love that. It was really
cute. It's really fun. Super cute. Well, thank
you for listening to today's episode. We hope
that it made you feel seen. And if you're also
adjusting to bring a new baby in that maybe you
got some laughs and some me too moments there.
If you have any episode requests, please let
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next time.