Join us on Now We Consume. Take in the knowledge.
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Why suffer through the existential crisis of
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we consume. This is not meant to be a conspiracy
episode or podcast, but we may cover some topics
that dance that line like a toddler dances on
their mother's last nerve. This podcast is rated
I. Welcome to the Now We Consume Podcast, everybody.
I'm your host, Pip. Tonight here with me is my
co -host, Gibbles. Hi. Gibbs is taking a night
off with the woman, so we're going to use the
effigy of Gibbs and have him with us here in
spirit. He needs to shave. Oh, yes. He's got
that Barani Woodsman look going. I know, right?
So I wanted to kind of go off on a quick tangent
here. I was having like the most amazing shower
thought process this morning. It was kind of
about the zoo hypothesis, you know, how there
are aliens, but they're just observing us like
animals at a zoo. Yeah. So this is kind of where
it gets weird. You ever notice how when you buy
things like groceries or things like a Best Buy.
That receipt is like ridiculously long. I always
compared it to like a CVS receipt. Okay. So you
know where I'm going with this. So those receipts
are longer than what you'd think my therapy notes
would be. So I think that these stores are printing
out the life stories that we have, and they're
giving those notes to the aliens as part of their
research. So I imagine it goes something like
this human male, still single. Eat cereal for
dinner. High risk of regret. So that buzzing
that you hear when you lay down at night, it's
not your phone. It's the game warden air quotes.
They're just downloading the spank bank. Oh,
and when they download my spank bank, whole buddy,
they're going to be in for a wild ride. So preemptively,
uh, guys, that horse video, I swear I was just
curious. You need Jesus. That's a lot coming
from me. Jesus has left the chat. Yeah. All of
a sudden the viewership went from like three
to zero. So anyways, tonight we are going to
take a wild... ride down the dark side of science
um kind of wanted to get away from some of the
doom and gloom of the real world and just kind
of have a little bit of fun so we're going to
go painfully deep just how we like it into the
official u .s government records of the patent
vault yeah this is where inventors and even the
military get legal protection for some of the
wildest and darkest ideas imaginable. Now, with
all this stuff, we're not talking unfiled mad
scientist notes because, you know, they get all
kinds of bullshit submitted to them all the time.
These are the granted patents that we're going
to talk about this evening with numbers that
you can Google right now on patents .google .com.
And I'm going to post all the numbers that we
talk about in the show notes. So if you hear
about one that you like, you can look up the
number and go and read more in depth about it.
A lot of these read like they were ripped kind
of like right out of a conspiracy forum. And
I mean, we're talking about things like remote
mind control, voices being beamed right into
your skull, weather as a weapon, and hidden signals
in your TV and phone. I've got a list of 15.
that have been granted over the last 50 years.
And these are all verified. They've all been
granted. And these are not just theories. These
are all proof. They're proven. And they're all
public record now. Right. I also have a small
list of honorable mentions at the end of this.
Some of these are kind of funny. They're kind
of all over the place. Some of them were like
really old, but I... I wanted to kind of mention
them just so you guys could see what kind of
stuff has been submitted over the years. But
some of them are out there, including a delivery
assistive device that was hilarious to read about
but horrifying in concept. Oh, yeah. Stick around
for that one. Oh, yeah. It's not just Nintendo
who's patenting all sorts of craziness. Right.
This is going to be the list that should not
exist. And we're going to dive straight into
this one. We're not going to edge you guys all
episode like some domi -mami edgelords. We're
going to spit on it and shove this right into
your ear balls. So starting us off. Starting
us off with number one. U .S. Patent. This is
U .S. 468. 6 6 0 5 a, uh, 1987 is the number
on this one. This is the Eastland atmospheric
alteration. Yeah. Otherwise known as harp. If
you've been around the internet for any amount
of time, you have heard of harp, uh, Bernard
Eastland's patent for altering regions of the
earth's atmosphere, ionosphere and magnetosphere.
The abstract of the notes says that it uses high
-power electromagnetic radiation transmitted
along magnetic field lines to heat and lift parts
of the atmosphere, move selected regions, propagate
energy waves, or interfere with communications
and solar absorption. What, they're trying to
pull down satellites by using the atmosphere?
No, they're just taking chunks of the weather
and moving it to other parts of the world where
it shouldn't be. So this is where people get
the conspiracies of, oh, the government is using
harp to make a hurricane or disintegrate a hurricane
or cause floods or prevent floods or cause droughts
or create wildfires. I mean, these are the patents
that are the basis of a lot of those wild ass
ideas. Yeah. Too bad it wasn't true, though,
because if they actually were able to do that,
I think so. Our enemies would be in trouble.
You would think, but, uh, Eastland later claimed
this was the basis for harp in Alaska. Now, whether
or not it was directly used, the patent explicitly
describes weather modification capabilities on
a regional scale. Things like steering the jet
stream, creating lenses in the sky, and even
missile defense ideas. So this man literally
owned. He owned the rights to dial the weather.
So droughts, storms, blackouts, all from a ground
antenna array. So yeah, look up this patent because
it's kind of a head scratcher. If you read this,
it kind of makes you look at natural disasters
a little bit differently. Yeah. Because it really
makes you ask the question, is this real? Like
to some extent. Because we know the government
lies. We know that there is technology that they
will not tell us about. True. We know HAARP is
a real facility. So when you start kind of connecting
dots and doing the whole corkboard with the red
string thing, you can see how things like that
will come to fruition very easily. So we're going
to move on. Yes. Number two. U .S. 6506 -148
-B2. B as in Bravo. This one was granted in 2003.
This is the Luz Nervous System Manipulation via
Monitors. This was made by a man named Hendrikus
Luz. You're going to hear his name again later.
This dude is a madman. He figured out... that
pulsing images on a TV or a computer screen,
even at subliminal levels, emits weak electromagnetic
fields at frequencies near 1 .5 Hz or 2 .4 Hz.
Those frequencies excite sensory resonances in
nearby people, causing effects like relaxation,
eyelid droop, slowed thinking, or other involuntary
nervous system responses. It can be embedded
in normal programming or it can be made to run
via simple software. You mean like seizures?
Kinda, yeah. The patent says it is therefore
possible to manipulate the nervous system of
a subject by pulsing images displayed on a nearby
computer monitor or TV set. So you could literally
just be sitting there watching Netflix and your
body is literally being quietly tuned without
you knowing. Well, if they're tuning me, can
they at least shut off a few pounds? That'd be
nice. Right. You want to take number three? Yeah.
The U .S. Patent 5159703A from 1992. Let's see
if I can be more monotonous. The Lowry Silent
Subliminal Presentation System. Kill John Lennon.
Kill John Lennon. Oliver Lowry's system uses
inaudible carriers in very low, very high, or
ultrasonic range. These carriers are modulated
with messages or sounds and sent through ordinary
speakers and transducers. Your ear doesn't hear
them, but your brain does. It can be stored on
media or transmitted live, just like the last
one. Perfect for slipping affirmations, commands,
or ads into any audio source without a foreground
sound masking it. Ooh, silent programming through
your TV speakers or phone. How do you know what's
really being said to your subconscious right
now? Remember the movie, Leave the World Behind.
I added this part in because... There was a lot
of conspiracy bullshit during COVID specifically
around this movie. So go ahead and read this.
Yeah. Lots of people claim feeling uneasy watching
that and couldn't explain why. Could have just
been a bad movie or other people claim there
was a hidden audio track on the DVD. And it was
noise that when played made some people feel
very uneasy or disoriented. Who the hell's got
DVDs being played these days? Well, that's the
thing. They counted supposedly on the fact that
there was such a low number of DVDs being sold.
The likelihood of that second track being discovered
was extremely low. And it could just be debunked
as conspiracy theories. It could. But the noise
was picked up in audio software. Yeah. And it
was a very, once they processed it, it was a
very low kind of like, almost like the brown
noise on South Park. Yeah. That's kind of what
I like in it. But yeah, it was just a, like a
hum. It was at a, at a frequency that could not
be normally heard. And it, it was there. I mean,
I, I saw the video being played and I, I remember
watching all this stuff, but I I'm with you.
It was just a bad movie. So it made me feel uneasy
because I was like, I mean, that noise could
be the, you know, well, the noise could have
been the equivalent of looking at a, uh, old
AI photo where it was making a human face when
it wasn't really good at it. So you'd get that.
Oh, what the hell did they call it? We're uncanny
Valley. Oh yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. So you get
that uncanny Valley effect with the pictures.
So, you know, it's possible that subliminally
you were getting that with the audio, right?
You know, that uneasiness and stuff. Do you want
to take number four? You want me to take it?
I'll take it. Then they can pay me for it. So
take it. Yeah. Yeah. So, Oh, the movie was Leave
the World Behind. Yes? Yes. Yes. Watch it at
your own risk. All right. So the next one for
you is Patton 3951124A. It's from 1976. And it's
the Malek Remote Brain Wave Monitoring and Alteration.
Get your frickin' aluminum hats ready. So Robert
Malek. Again, device transmits two electromagnetic
signals of different frequencies that interfere
inside the target's brain. The brain modulates...
Yeah, I have enough problems up here from hitting
my head so much. I don't need help. The brain
modulates the interference wave with its own
electrical activity, then re... Reradiates it.
Reradiates it. Oh, okay. Because our skulls are
like perfect antennas. I can't remember the right
kind of antenna, but our skull is like a perfect
antenna. Well, yeah, because you've got liquid
inside your brain. So you can do that with a,
if you take your car fob and you're far enough
away and it doesn't detect anymore, just stick
it on again, right on your chin or next to your
head or something. And it'll increase the. The
sound waves enough that the car will then hear
it. Ask me how I know this. Right? Ask me how
I know this. See me in a parking lot subtangle
like this. It's not because I'm suicidal. Oh
no, it's coming right for us. All components
stay remote. No implants, no contact. So this
is a real -time thought monitoring and editing
from afar. I feel like this one is like the ultimate
privacy violation. Oh, yeah. Reading your mind.
This is literally reading your mind. And the
fact that this was being done in 1976, add 40
years of tech advancement to that. Yeah. 50 years,
rather, at this point. And we can now have AI.
finding out what you're thinking in real time.
Yeah. That's not a good thing. We've, we've talked
about the, the brain scans that AI can interpret
like your dreams, apply it to this tech and holy
shit. Yeah. Yeah. No, that wouldn't be a good
case thing in my case. No, it'd be bad. I don't
need to give the VA any more ammunition to take
me away. Right. Wear the tight white jacket in
the comfy room. Oh, yeah. I'll be sitting at
home and all of a sudden I'll be knocking on
the door. Okay, Mr. Gables, we need you to come
with us. Why? We know what you're thinking about.
Just don't put anything on my butt again this
time. Oh, no. All right. So number five is a
dual patent. It's US -647 -021. four Bravo one
and us six, five, eight, seven, seven, two, nine
Bravo two. And respectively, those were in 2002
and 2003. This is for the air force radio frequency
hearing effect. V two K. Uh, I feel like this
is probably something related to that Havana
syndrome, those ultrasonic weapons. Um, well,
those lines. Well, it also reminds me of the,
uh, that offensive speaker system. That's like
a flat panel and you don't hear it until you're
directly in front of it. And wherever you pointed
at, it's loud and it's so obnoxious. People just
want to get away from it. Yeah. So this was patented
by the U S air force. It's pulsed microwave or
RF beams, and they're modulated with speech.
So when they hit a person's head, The thermoelastic
expansion in brain tissue creates audible sound,
either voices or words, directly inside their
skull. No external speaker is needed. The later
patent, so the second one, details pre -processing
the speech signal and amplitude modulation so
the target hears clear, intelligible audio that
others around them cannot. So, like, voice to
skull tech. If someone started hearing commanding
voices with no source, would you believe them?
Or do you just think they're nuts or insane?
These days? Maybe a little bit of both. Right?
But, like, this is one of those ones where spy
tech, like the espionage community, this would
be, like, the ultimate, like, mindfuck. Just
don't give this stuff to cats. Cause all you're
going to hear is give me fish. Give me fish.
Meow. Oh God. My, my youngest got me with like
the best joke today. Yeah. This, this is just
oddly relevant. What do you call a, a large pile
of cats? A clowder? No, a mountain. Oh my God.
Yeah. Yeah. That was about my reaction too. wow
yeah such a dad jerk gotta be proud it really
was i was i really was and and he's he's almost
12 it's like this this child is so mine man yeah
um you want to take number six and then i'll
do the big one there on the the next one because
it's kind of a clusterfuck Oh, okay. How the
heck do I even pronounce that word? I was looking
at it earlier this week, and I'm like, yeah,
I don't know. The Marderosian? Close enough,
yes. Yeah, brainwave analysis and remote communication.
This system fingerprints unique brainwave signatures
via remote RFIR or satellite sensors. Oh, and
this is patent 6011991A from 2000. It's able
to identify individuals, monitor specific thoughts
or phrases, and enable two -way communication.
All without implants, your brain becomes a trackable
node. So basically satellite mind reading, which
means Big Brother is now in the biological realm.
There, that's... Now... Yeah, I don't even want
to say anything to that, to accidentally if somebody
that does stuff like this would get an idea.
Well, so this, I think, was originally where
some of those teams that were using Wi -Fi as
sonar. I think this kind of came from that. Yeah.
Like I said, my imagination is such I would be
giving ideas and I don't want to do that. Right.
All right, so numbers 7 through 10. This is the
Luz cluster. I said that you would hear that
Luz name again. Right. So patents US 601 -7302A,
623 -8333 -BRAVO1, 461 -6261A, and 609 -1994A.
These all had to be grouped together. Oh. Hendrickus
lose. Can we just take a second? Who in the absolute
fuck would name their child Hendrickus? What
kind of a name is that that you hate your child
so much? Same person that names their kid Apple.
You know that child got bullied all through school.
Yeah. I mean, no wonder they turned into a mad
scientist. I don't blame the guy one bit. He's
angry at the world. Obviously. Not only is your
last name loose, but then your hand trick is
loose. So you're just loose. So he built a full
remote control toolkit. Subliminal acoustic manipulation.
via low frequency sounds that you cannot hear.
Okay. Remote magnetic fields from a portable
device to tweak nerves from up to hundreds of
meters away. This one's my favorite one out of
this one. Subliminal visuals overlaid on TV broadcasts.
Oh, Fight Club. Absolutely Fight Club. Uh -huh.
The snippet of porn laid into a kid's movie.
Yep. And there was a tie into his previous one
with the pulsative manipulation using tiny pulses
of cooling or warming air on the skin, kind of
like a sneaky fan or a wire at those same half
Hertz or 2 .4 Hertz frequencies that we mentioned
earlier. So that causes relaxation, sleepiness,
stomach knots, or even sexual excitement. So
this one guy was able to patent multiple ways,
to hack the human nervous system without our
consent. Right. So totally screw on someone over
with that last part of the sexual assignment.
Dude, this whole cluster of patents is like the
tech equivalent of MK ultra. Yeah. Like we have
the MK ultra program was all chemical and, and
like torture and shit. This is like the pure
tech side. Right. Which I think I like even more
because you can do it like in mass. Yeah. Everybody
just goes to sleep. Uh -huh. It's like that DC
movie. I can't remember the name of it, but the
guy kind of flexes off and everybody around him
starts having an orgasm. Oh, yeah. I remember
that. Doom Patrol. That's what it is. Yeah. Doom
Patrol. That was so weird. So that's almost as
bad as second season of Peacemaker. I never watched
it. I couldn't bring myself to watch. I think
it was either first or second episode of the
second season where there was just an orgy in
his house. Awesome. Yeah. Although the boys,
the season that opened up with the. The party
where the guy was just walking down to the guys.
Yeah, no. No, no. Yeah. I don't want to think
about that one anymore. That was bad. It was.
And then he spontaneously just sneezed and dude's
dead. What a way to go. Yeah. No, no way. There's
not enough ways to say no to that one. Even flippers
going. No. All right. You got number 11. Give
me a second. I got to recalibrate myself from
that. Oh, God. Well, we'll pause for a second.
God. All right. Damn. So, U .S. Patent 5123899A
from 1992, the gall -altering consciousness.
It's a specific frequency waveforms applied remotely
to shift mood, emotion, sleep, or full consciousness
levels. Dial in calm, fear, or suggestibility
on demand. That's kind of like the loose cluster.
Sort of, yeah. My question is this. We've been
reading down this list, and I kind of want to
hit the brakes because we're burning through
this a little bit quicker than I thought we would.
Do you feel like the government or agencies of
the government are actively using any of this
tech in everyday societal life to any extent?
Just reading about some of these, I don't know.
I can't, I don't know if I could be able to give
a very good answer to that. Well, here's what
I'm willing to go with. I can't say that they
are, but I think what freaks me out more is that
I can't say that. No, they're not. Yeah. Now,
I mean, from my time in DC with the police department,
I mean, I know what drugs can do to multi -generational
families, you know, starting with. Generation
1 were with the crack epidemic and everything.
And everything that came down after that genetically,
there are serious mental health and physical
problems. So if these are legitimate, my next
question is going to be, okay, if this is true
and real, what are going to be the side effects?
And would that start affecting? the younger population
and the next generations? Are we going to have
a whole group of people that are just psychotic
and out of their minds or they can't function
properly in society because they've been wired
in such a way that unless the brain has that
fix from the mental conditioning for an addiction,
possibly, if that causes that effect. what you
know what would be the repercussions if that's
taking place yeah it's like i said it's it's
more so that it's harder to say no than it is
to say yes so so the next one uh us 439 5600
a from 1983 yeah the Lundy and Tyler emotional
manipulation via audio directed audio waves that
subliminally hijack subjective emotions. This
is used to induce compliance, panic, or whatever
the operator wants. Hmm. I feel like that could
be easily used in prisons or other torture type
settings. Right. Uh, or other like, Mass panic,
mass... Psychosis? Mass casualty is the word.
Mass casualty type events. Run everybody off
a cliff. Or just send everybody into a panic
inside of a small building. I'd do it too. That
kind of a deal. I'm trying to remember the name
of this monster movie I saw where they were all
in a museum. They freak out, and the front doors
were locked for some reason, and people got squished
against the glass and flattened. It was brutal.
I think I know what movie you're talking about.
I just can't think of the name. Right. I can't
remember, but yeah, it was a crazy monster flick.
And it's just that scene that really stuck out
to me when that blonde chick is smashed up against
the glass like a mime, except she's slowly getting
squeezed by the human bodies behind her. Yep.
I, I know which I, I can see the scene. I just
can't think of the movie. Yeah. Um, do you want
13 or do you want 14? Uh, Ooh, I'll take the
Raytheon pain, Ray. Okay. Yeah. US patent seven,
seven, eight, four, three, nine, zero B one.
This is from 2010. It's a solid state millimeter
wave beam. That causes intense burning pain on
the skin from a distance. Mountable on vehicles
or drones for crowd control. Non -lethal, but
it hurts like hell. Again, that speaker system
I was talking about earlier, that sounds along
those lines. Yeah, so this one has actually been
deployed several times in multiple theaters,
essentially. They've used this for riot control.
They've used this for... combat situations. This
thing has seen use. So this one we can confirm
is real. Yes. The funny parts are that there
was one incident where they had it turned up
a little too high and the people that were closer
actually suffered like second and third degree
burns under the skin. So that's really kind of
bad. Yeah, they were exciting some of the molecules
in their subdermis a little too much. Yeah. I
know when my molecules get excited, I like for
them to be subdermally excited too. Right. We're
all about getting our molecules excited. All
right. I see why you gave me the next one. This
one's going to be US 950441. Nine Bravo 2, a
sensor -equipped male chastity device. Yes. A
locked genital cage with embedded sensors that
detect arousal, tampering, or prohibited behavior
and trigger alarms or restriction. Modern tech
turning sexual control into a monitored prison.
Oh, my God. This sounds like some Roman Catholic
crap. Right? You're touching yourself is bad.
A baby kitten dies every time you get excited.
Oh, can you imagine having something like that
locked on your junk? Oh, okay. So. No, thank
you. you you you throw that onto somebody and
then you give them a a cocktail of uh like liquid
viagra and then you just throw on like the the
most obnoxious porn that you can find oh oh my
god i don't know why but this totally reminds
me of a story from over in the middle east so
i was in kuwait with a bunch of other guys at
airbase that's no longer there um We had tents,
and each tent had a television in it that was
donated by the Kuwaiti government. So every night,
you know, late night, for whatever reason, they
had adult entertainment on the television. We
had this one airman. I won't say his name, but
he brought action figures and little kid toys
and stuff. He was a big kid, but he was a dork.
Very socially awkward. Some guys went into his
tent while he was sitting there watching something,
playing with his Star Trek toys, tied him to
a chair, duct taped his eyes open, and played
porn and walked away. He was found by the first
sergeant struggling, trying to get out of his
binds. So we weren't yelled at for tying him
up. We were yelled at because he couldn't take
care of himself while watching the adult film.
So yeah, that happened. So your, your dude went
or got clockwork orange on base. Yes. Oh yes.
Okay. Using adult entertainment. My experience
is on the ship. We had a guy who pissed somebody
else off so bad. He not only got duct taped inside
his rack after it got lifted up. He then like
a week later. got duct taped to the wall in the
workshop, and then we all went to lunch. Wow.
Yeah. That's the equivalent of us in the third
district burning a sergeant's desk to the ground
and locking the door to his office while it burned.
Right. So, yeah, that was pretty fun. Jesus Christ.
Love it. Yep. The military shenanigry. Yeah.
We're going to have to do just a random shooting
the shit type episode where we talk about some
of our fucked up war stories one night. Yeah.
So. All right. You want number 15 or you want
me to do it? I'll do it. It's Raytheon. 749 -0538
-B2. This is from 2009. Oh, I got out not that
long ago after that. Um, that's the dual mode
directed energy weapon, a rifle that switches
instantly between bullets and microwave pain.
One trigger instant escalation from worn to destroy.
Oh, I could see that going badly. Uh huh. Like
that female cop that, uh, thought she was deploying
a taser and she shot the dude to death. Uh huh.
Yeah. Yeah. Go to give that warning to that,
you know, the guy in the car driving up asking
for directions and you pop him in the head accidentally.
Yeah. Yeah. You're going to live with that one
forever. Oh, yeah. Yeah. The Raytheon stuff is
pretty awesome, but the way it's designed leaves
a little bit of design question. Yeah. Like.
Do we have it like, you know, like an M 16 going
from semi -auto to full auto, you know, you click,
you hit the little switch and you rotate, you
know, is it something like that? Or is it just
like a push button? Right. Something like that,
where it literally can go from non -lethal to
lethal that easily. It needs to be a little bit
more, you know, it should. perhaps stay on non
-lethal and then it's like a bigger deal to engage
the lethal side but at the same time i can understand
wanting it to be a semi -seamless kind of deal
because it could be a life or death situation
yeah though i could imagine with military efficiency
you know i could see this something where like
first in debt is warning a full squeeze is deadly
you know yeah i could see that so then you know
accidental rounds popping off you know yep So
that was the main list. And again, we kind of
got through that a lot faster than I thought
we would. Now I understand what the ladies feel
like when it's date night. So the honorable mentions.
That explains my dating. No. So here's some of
the weird shit that just kind of missed the cut.
These are, again, these were granted patents.
Yeah. They just didn't fit into the main list,
but they were still kind of funny or just kind
of weird and out there. Just kind of granted
way before a lot of this stuff happened. The
first one I wanted to talk about was the premature
burial safety coffin. This is from back in the
1800s. This is. This is how early this was. U
.S. patent number 3335A. I would imagine this
also came about from people that were afraid
of vampires, too. Probably, yeah. But this is
from 1843. It was invented by a man named Christian
H. Eisenbrandt. This is a spring -loaded lid
with bells, flags, air tubes, and mechanical
signals. that would pop open or ring if the corpse
inside moved even a little bit. Now, the reason
this was a thing is because back then, doctors
kept declaring people dead a little bit too soon.
So inventors had to literally patent escape hatches
from your own grave. Waking up, realizing that
you're buried alive with a built -in alarm, or
worse, realizing that it might fail. i'm sorry
but that would have to be probably one of the
worst kind of like existential dread things from
back in those days right well i mean not only
that you have cemeteries that sometimes they're
not a lot of visitors sometimes so could you
imagine you got buried alive you wake up and
the little alarm bell is going ting ting ting
ting ting and nobody's there for weeks there
yeah Or worse, you know, somebody shows up right
as the last little katink katink is going off.
Oh, yeah. You're suffocating the desk, still
pulling the string. All right. I want you to
take this one because you were cracking up about
it. The centrifugal birth machine. This was U
.S. Patent 3216423A. It was granted in 1965 by
George and Charlotte Blonsky. Of course it was.
A rotating platform that straps down a laboring
mother and spins her at high G -forces like a
carnival ride. centrifugal force supposedly gently
gently gently yes oh yeah i quote gently propels
the baby out with a safety net to catch the newborn
oh The visuals. What about the afterbirth? Is
that coming out right behind the baby? Because
not only are you getting the kid going squished
up on the net and then splat right behind it.
I highly encourage you to go and look this one
up because, yes, the fucking visuals. Oh, my
God. This thing was hilarious. I laughed for
a solid five minutes on this one. Yeah. It is
as horrifying as it sounds. Yeah, the baby just
coming out. Okay. Just like I was saying before,
the doctor's got the catcher's mitt in case the
net fails. God forbid the catcher's mitt doesn't
explode open. All right. Look out, Bobby. He's
going to left field. And oh, hate to see that.
The baby has hit the ground and now has cerebral
palsy. Oh, my God. Oh, it looks like we got a
pinch hitter. It's twins. So if they miss, does
the doctor just throw their arms up and yell
goal or what? I mean, right. Oh, my God. How
many kids are coming? How many kids are coming
out with that net face? It looks like you just
had your baby. He's still got the net implanted
in his face. He looks just like his daddy. He
looked like he really wanted that sandwich. The
Skeleton Interrogation Booth. This one shows
you the differences of the times. U .S. 1749.
This was granted back in 1930 by Helen Adelaide
Shelby. This is a dark booth where a hidden curtain
rises to reveal a glowing skeleton with red light
eyes and a moving jaw. The interrogator speaks
through a hidden microphone while a camera records
the suspect's terrified confession. Pure psychological
horror designed to scare criminals into spilling.
And it looks like a rejected horror movie prop,
but it was officially patented. Yeah. This is
from back in the day when people really were
like ultra religious. They thought shit like
this was real. Um, you know, coming off of the
American Victorian era where you had all of this
kind of like woo woo shit. that was kind of propagating
mediums and psychics and stuff. We were just
coming out of the age of where a doctor could
say, oh, it looks like you've got demons in your
blood. You should do some cocaine about that.
Right. And suggest you go see a guy that could
masturbate you to calm your psychosis. Yeah.
They couldn't do that. You couldn't do that nowadays.
I mean, for Christ's sake, you've got people
taking devices that are like. should not go in
the human body and getting it lost so um this
wouldn't do anything to most people they just
be like um are you gonna pay me for this or you
know what are we doing yeah no but you know back
back then when everybody was still ultra religious
something like this could actually work or or
You get somebody really, really fucked up on
acid and then put them in this booth. Oh, my
God. I think that would work. That would work.
Mm hmm. All right, buddy. Go ahead. Well, I was
going to say, you also get those people where
they get those realistic face masks or like,
you know, skin tight. You could put some like
really creepy shit on them, give somebody some
drugs and watch the reaction. they'll they'll
freaking admit to anything just to get out of
that room i killed oh it's my fault i killed
jesus oh god i'm gonna burn right no dude that
was a hispanic dude named jesus sorry so you
gave me the victorian anti -masturbation devices
you dirty dirty man dozens were granted from
1850s to the 1910s. Of course they were. I would
expect nothing less if especially in the United
States, you know, a bunch of prudes, you know,
spiked rings, locked cages, pubic hair pullers.
Ooh, an erection triggered alarms meant to inflict
pain or wake the wearer at any sign of arousal
or nocturnal emissions. That last one doesn't
work for everybody because there's people out
there that have some really weird things that
they like. Really weird. The funny thing is they,
a hundred years ago, they treated the normal
stuff like it was a disease. Nowadays, all this
shit, that stuff people go out and pay extra
for. Sign of the times, right? Yeah. I mean.
It's, you know, at the sign of times where, you
know, it's weird when somebody goes and orders
a $3 ,000 love doll. Instead, it's normal for
them to have, you know, the spanky ring around
the base of their junk or, you know, they got
the nipple clamps or whatever. That's not a big
deal. Yeah. So that's what I'm saying. Nowadays,
that's child's play. As sad as that is. I mean,
for Christ's sake, if you've seen Jackass. yeah
jackass kind of set the bar for what we as a
society will accept right when they took the
uh the acrylic plates and stuck their junk in
that and then squished it flat yeah you remember
i remember i don't like that i remember get rid
of those member berries uh -huh You know, I had
successfully purged that from my mind until you
said that. You're welcome. Thank you. Mm -hmm.
That brings us to the self -butt -kicking machine,
patent number 6293874B1. This is from 2001. It
was made by a man named Joe W. Armstrong. He
got this idea from Liar Liar. I'm sorry. Probably,
yeah. A crank -operated platform with rotating
arms and shoes that lets you manually kick your
own ass at whatever speed or force you want.
Marketed as amusement or motivation. So, yes,
someone patented a device for consensual, self
-inflicted corporal punishment, and the U .S.
Patent Office said, yeah, sure. Yeah, I could
totally see this from like the 1940s videos where
it's got the guy with the nasally voice talking
about the future inventions. I could see that.
You too can kick your own ass. Yes, in the days
of the future, you too can kick your own ass
to motivate yourself into getting out of bed.
Now you don't have to worry about your boss getting
angry with you. Oh, anti -eating face mask. Patent
4344424A. Wow. That's a lot of fours. Granted
in 1982. Huh, that's a year after I was born.
There might be a connection to this. It's a lockable
metal cage that covers the mouth and chin, physically
blocking all food while still allowing breathing
and speech. Sold as a diet aid, but it screams
potential for forced starvation or total control.
Yes, we pay extra for that these days. Basically
a wearable Hannibal Lecter mask for your eating
habits. Yeah, so look this one up because it
literally does look like the mask they used in
Silence of the Lambs. Yeah, except you too will
not be able to eat fava beans with your Chianti.
Yeah. How do you taste? I taste delicious. That's,
well, salty. Yeah. His brains tasted good, I
guess. Right. I forgot how to pee. What happened?
Oh, you just ate that. Oh, is that why my pants
are warm? Right. So that brings us to the end
of the list. Like we said at the opening, every
single one of these patents exists right in plain
sight. The average person just has no idea. If
you guys had a certain one that you thought was
particularly out there, let us know. We would
love to hear that. Yeah. If you know of anything
that you think should have made the list that
exists, fucking send it in. please look this
stuff up. See what you see in the patents because
this shit's crazy. When I was reading over all
this stuff, I just kept telling myself like,
there's no way this is actually real. But again,
I'm finding this all on the patent website. So
yeah. I mean the howitzer baby cannon. I mean,
Jesus. Oh God. Yeah. It's raining babies. So.
Yeah, so for all you guys listening that have
grown to a point where you need to have the TV
on during the night, maybe now you know why.
Yeah, I don't like it. That could be a reason
from some of that patent bullshit. That's just
manipulation at play. Yeah. Or you're just getting
a security update. You never know. Possibly.
But yeah, that's it for the list. Did you have
anything else you wanted to add in? No, no, no.
If I do, Nintendo might sue me. Ouch. I too can
collect Pokemon, just not with Pokeballs. Right.
Gotta have those balls handled. Right. Yeah.
Coming from the same people that had love hotels.
Oh, yeah. And the taxi service that took you
to them. Oh, yes. But, yeah. I hope you guys
liked this one. Let us know if you want us to
do more kind of in this style. And we'll try
to do that. But as far as tonight goes, I think
that's going to wrap it up for us. Yeah. We're
going to be back next week and that one is going
to be a, um, an absolute mind fuck of an episode.
Um, we're doing it on Easter. Oh, is it Easter?
We might have to skip that one. Yeah. Okay. So,
so next week we might not be on the air. We,
we might skip next week and do a week afterward.
So we'll, uh, we'll, we'll keep you all posted,
but, um, yeah. I didn't hear anything. Oh, I
was like, no, you won't. No, we'll, we'll, we'll
post something. Okay. So, but yeah, thanks for,
thanks for hanging out. Hope you guys enjoyed
the show. We love y 'all and we'll see y 'all
next time.