Crash Planet contains themes of desperation and
poverty. We portray a comedic, absurd, and violent
world. For a full list of content warnings, please
see the episode description. Broadcasting live
from the inside of a box of crayons. They keep
snapping us in half, but we just keep making
art, baby. It's Trash Planet, the podcast that
beats ass and eats trash. I am your host, Rabba
Sullivan. My pronouns are he, him and they, them.
And I'm joined today by some of Cincinnati's
sick nastiest improvisers. For instance. Hi,
I'm Nihar, he, him. My vibe today. Well, you
didn't ask for vibes. Oh, how dare you say your
vibe before it has been asked for. No, please
tell me your vibe. My vibe today is an electrical
breaker that should be tripped, but someone's
taped it down so it can't get tripped. Amazing.
I am Devin. My pronouns are he, him. In my vibe
today, I'm going to say I'm like a F -35 rafter,
baby. I'm a jet, and I'm taking off, and I'm
ready to go. Amazing. Hi, I'm Natalie. My pronouns
are she, her. And today my vibe is a cool summer
break evening playing Super Smash Brothers with
friends. What? That's so nice. Wait, important,
which Smash Brothers? One limb on each console.
Project M, if you really want to. I think that's
the one I've probably played the most is Project
M. Wow, wow, nerd shit. And man, if only there
was somebody here that, well, you might notice
a conspicuous absence of someone to shove someone
into lockers, but Maddie will not be joining.
Maddie's been carried away by that motorcycle.
But luckily we are joined in her absence by rock
star performer, local actor, local instructor,
guy who does things. It's Chance Kilgore. Hello
everybody. My vibe today is like when you get
some ice cream and it melts on your hand, but
it's okay because you just lick your hand. Hell
yeah. Wow. Radical acceptance. Hell yeah. Oh,
well, when last we left off, we joined our heroes
downtrodden trudging back into town after a disastrous
mission into the wastes in which they acquired
a birthday boy, but they lost their skimmer and
they broke some trust. But they are back in town
just in time for the big game. The music, the
lights, the screaming sounds of guitars, incredible.
We see blazing sunlight. We see a crisp red sky
overhead, no clouds in sight. It's that dry heat,
baby. You're feeling like a lizard soaking up
the sunlight. And normally you'd hear people
hustling in the food court, laughing and yelling,
skimmers trundling around Bugtown, but the streets
are quiet today. The camera's panning over these
dusty streets, and we see the front entrance
of the screaming slice. And normally that door's
wide open, welcoming customers, but today it
is barricaded from the inside. It's got benches
and shit all propped up against the inside of
it. on barrels and chairs and boxes piled up
real high because for the first time in a long
time the slice is completely empty. The camera
pans closer to the door and we see a flipped
open pizza box pinned to the front of it. There's
a little sketch drawn in pizza sauce. Depicts
a muscular man flexing. His jersey says number
44. Below it in Connie's careful handwriting
it says closed for the big game. And the camera
cuts and bam! We are in a writhing crowd. We
are hollering, we're laughing, we're spilling
kettle jack all over each other. The manja smoke
is so thick you're getting a contact high just
being here. Mostly a standing room. There are
simple risers surrounding the tick ball field
but you better I believe that shit's hand -welded
and it collapses all the time, so watch out.
So, this crowd, we're hustlin', we're joshin'.
The energy, oh baby, it's fuzzy. That's right,
we are repping the Fresco fuzz in bright green.
There's no mass -produced merchandise, of course,
so everybody's wearing whatever green shit they
can find. Which is why we see Halberd completely
festooned in green plastic bottles that are,
like, strung together with string. And she's
wearing it like a feather boa. She is resplendent
in her hammer -shaped mask. She's wearing cargo
shorts so long they're practically a cargo skirt.
And she is yelling at Connie. I'm telling you,
if we get some scratch together, we could make
- we could run a food stand at the Games, you
know? I mean, how much money are we making here?
Like, shit, how much you pay for that? And she
gestures at Yanouche, who is holding a big cloud
of cotton algae. That's like cotton candy, but
it's our algae version. Yanouche is also there.
He is wearing a Christmas tree strapped onto
his head. It's like two feet tall. It's just
like perfectly balanced, which is okay because
he's falling asleep standing up. He's nocturnal,
remember? So he's holding his cotton candy. He's
got his Christmas tree on top. He's like, what?
Where are you guys? Where's Lottie? Where's Connie?
At the moment right next to Halvard, but I'm
holding a crazy handful of betting slips because
I've made Firstly, let me just say I do not condone
sports betting. However Connie's made a bunch
of like crazy parlay bets on this game And he's
bet big on tank, of course, but it's also contingent
on a thousand other things Give us three legs
of that parlay. Oh boy See it would help if I
knew how this game works Wouldn't that be interesting,
huh, if we knew how the game worked? Why don't
you just come up with some stuff and we'll see?
Um, I think the game is going to go into overtime.
To, uh, Tank scores two goals? No, Tank's a goalie.
No, that's funnier, though. You're like, no,
no, no, he's gonna score? No, he's gonna score.
He's gonna do it. He's gonna do it twice. No,
you know what? Not once, two times! You know
what? I could totally do that. Like, I think
Tank is gonna somehow score one. Is there a jump
ball? That's the third bet. It's just, is there
a jump ball? Question mark. Can I bet on a jump
ball? Question mark. If there's a jump ball,
I'm betting on that. Period. The third bet is
if it's a thing, let the fresco puzzle get possession
first. Oh, fuck yeah. Okay. What's the stupid
green thing you're wearing? Yeah, it's safety
goggles. Okay, you're seeing the world in a green
hue, including, you see what looks like a big,
scary, shambling mound that is moving through
the crowd in a frightening way. This is the Shagger.
This is the official mascot of the Fresco fuzz.
It is just fully a man in a big shag carpet sack.
He's falling over in there. He's walking, but
he's also just sort of tripping and flailing.
It's just a formless orb. It rules. The camera
pans over. We see Petra, who is primly sitting.
Everybody else is standing. Everybody's yelling.
She is sitting. She brought a folding chair.
She's wearing a jersey for a team that is not
playing today. She just wanted it to be known
that she has preferences. Beside her, we see
Lottie. Lottie, what are you up to? Lottie is
just kind of wandering around the stands dropping
very small little pouches of free samples of
the Screaming Slice logo on them. Are you giving
them to people or are you just like literally
dropping them? No, I'm just hoping customers
show up later. This is cool. This is crazy drug
dealer behavior. Yeah, and we see off in the
distance there's a familiar silhouette. Looks
like Enla's perched on top of a nearby building,
sitting, legs dangling with runk. They're having
a nice moment. It's a nice time for Enla. We
are chilling in the crowd. Connie, what is your
vibe? Like, last time you spoke with Tank was
not pretty. Like, how does it feel seeing him
in the game today? It's... Weird right like I'm
sure all of us have been in that position where
like the friend that you're not very friendly
with at the moment is like Doing well, and you
want to be happy for them, but also like they're
doing so at the cost of like screwing you over
So like to sort of be a good friend to not make
a scene about it with everyone else like he's
there in support But yeah, their relationship
is frayed and he would I mean if he does He has
money interesting dynamic you look down at your
pile of spoof tickets you're like hmm you're
gonna be mad either way honestly that's the vibe
i'm getting i'm curious we had no money before
this right i mean we had no money like game mechanics
wise right i'm just curious what connie did to
have money to bet for the game oh i i have an
easy one i think he went out like probably borrowed
a skimmer and grabbed a delivery for um for the
tender mercy and didn't tell anyone Okay, brief
cut Connie on the skimmer hair whipping in the
wind just mad as hell. It's just riding around
hot wind nighttime Angry cool music in the background,
but June doesn't matter We're back in the stance
and we hear a clatter and a commotion. We hear
a bunch of strung up speakers Like terrible feedback
Oh Trash Planet, this is Monty Mike on the ones
and twos, just delighted to be here. And by here
I mean in a folding chair about a half mile away.
I got the real good binoculars out, don't you
worry. Now I can't see so good, but I'm gonna
try to get the F's in, okay? Just how you like
it, piping hot and full of snot. He spits, crowd
goes wild, we love this guy. Everybody's saying
how cool he is. We love Munchimike. Now as we
know, this is the fuzzies first game without
their longtime goalie, Sheen Sahadi. And the
fuzz has been scrambling to fill those boots.
So let's find out, does our new blood have what
it takes? Look out for number 44, name of clattering
on his desk. What does it say? it says think
boston whoever it is they're from boston general
sounds of ambivalence in the crowd the crowd
is ambivalent about boston in any case holy cow
here's a whistle uh here come those rigorous
reptiles those scandalous serpents please give
a hearty fresco welcome to your challengers the
gorgeous gunk snakes And there's a huge commotion
at the far side of the crowd. They're coming
in through the people. We see something pushing
towards the field, a large inhuman shape. You
know those Chinese lion dancer costumes where
it's multiple people piloting one costume? All
five of the gorgeous gunk snakes are piloting
a massive purple snake. It's got big jagged teeth
made out of chipped plastic bins. Its eyes are
lit up in something phosphorescent. It's all
cardboard and cables. It's like writhing and
dancing around. Crowd is like... Pro wrestler
energy where we're booing, but we're happy, you
know? Like, this is cool. We don't see the gunk
snakes too often. The town of Gorgias is pretty
far away, so it's always an occasion when they're
in town. So the snake tumbles out onto the field
and the players tumble from inside of it, one
at a time. All the way from the free republic
of Gorgias. Please welcome Altar! Doc Charlie,
Mondo Farfisa, the divorce guy and that's right,
the one, the only, the youngest ever winner of
the All South Tick Brawl, Taro Megazord! And
we see these people come sprinting out. They've
each got their own cool character thing going
on, but I don't want to spend 20 minutes describing
them until they're in play. So anyway, the last
one is Taro Megazord. She comes sprinting out
full anime protagonist vibes on this girl. She
is like iconic, cute little outfit beaming at
the crowd. She looks tough. She's missing a front
tooth. Monkey D. Luffy energy. Is that how you
say it? Luffy? Luffy? Yes, Luffy. Luffy. All
right. Everyone agreed that I said it the right
way. She is levitating with determination. She
clenches one fist. I'll show you what I've got!
And the camera cuts. And we see fluorescent lighting.
We see hard concrete floors. Water's running.
Somebody's in the shower. This is the locker
room. Tank, you are talking to a man in a gimp
mask. And so it's not that I don't trust you
to know my identity. No one knows my identity.
No one knows the mysteries of the Big Pisser.
Camera pulls out. We see the big pisser. This
is number 39. This is one of your fellow fuzz
players. He is wearing a gimp mask, huge latex
gloves that go up to his elbows, assless chaps,
and nothing else. Yeah, no, no. Even if I knew
your identity, I wouldn't reveal the identity
of a teammate. You can't know. Yeah, yeah, you
said that quite a bit. Hand on shoulder, leans
in really close, smells like leather, sweat.
No one can know. Yeah, no one does. You've done
a pretty good job, I would say. I'm a man of
mystery, Tink. A man of history. Nihal, why don't
you describe your character? There's another
person in this locker room. Who is this person?
Alright. I think you see a very tall, lanky person
who has a very torn -up jersey. This is Garth
the Demon. Garth has a mask that basically covers
the entire front of his face, and it looks like
it's shaped... to look like a metallic, like
low -poly dog. Like a dog face with pointy ears,
not with floppy ears. Get out of here with that
weak shit. Any of the... tears on his jersey
that would take away the structural integrity
have been sewn back together with like a very
striking red string so you can like see all of
the scars from all the violence that he's committed
you swear you could see blood under his fingernails
and the game hasn't even started demon garth
what are you focused on as the game is about
to begin what's your ritual i think garth is
punching Not a punching bag, just straight up
punching the wall. And we said it was concrete.
That's not gonna stop me. Is this like a cool,
disciplined martial arts master punch or is this
like a... Oh, it's animalistic. There's nothing
pretty about this. There's nothing disciplined
about any of this. Tank, you're surveying Garth
the Demon, as they call him. Jersey number 666.
This is so weird because Christianity doesn't
exist. Garth came up with that independently
Just a coincidence I think maybe you should like
save your hands. I don't know. Maybe not. You
do you, man. You got your own warm -up routine.
Don't get in the way of my ritual unless you
want to be part of my ritual. Yeah, like I kind
of pulled the eject cord on that half hook drill.
It's like, you know, this guy is just straight
up punching concrete right now. Probably shouldn't
interrupt him. You do you, Garth. Tank, your
eyes swivel through the locker room. You see
another figure. Who do you see? PJ Falk is a
tall lanky dude kind of standing in front of
the mirrors by the sinks and he has been grooming
his like long dark hair with a brush for like
30 -40 minutes now. It's like kind of like not
really frosted tips but like kind of he's tried
to do that with juice so it's all like weird
different colors. And it covers part of his face.
It's kind of edgy, and it's got a couple, like,
makeshift piercings. He's trying going for, like,
2000s boy band Pretty Boy 5. The only other detail
I was going to add. He's also got, like, his
jersey, like, the neckline of it all stretched
out to let some of his, like, chest hair poke
through, so it's just kind of like a grungy emo
look. Chest hair status. Looks cool, looks bad.
No. It's, um, it's very sparse. Doesn't look
good. He wishes it looked good. Yeah. Okay. Okay.
Muscle status. What's the muscle status? Like
what's the body type on both Garth and PJ? Brad
Pitt Fight Club. Oh, wow. Okay. Okay. Prefers
like that. Just looks like a professional cycler.
Bottom heavy. Giant quads. I'm always saying
that PJ fuck is bottom heavy, baby. Okay. Amazing.
Tank, you behold PJ Fuck. We will soon be in
the throes of combat, united with your brother
in violence on the field of dreams. Yo, Peej.
Can I call you Peej? I don't know, man. I prefer
PJ. Okay, okay, PJ. Honestly, man, like, your
bottom half is a sight to behold. I would like
to get in the gym with you sometime. That's that
PJ booty, baby. Nice, nice. Is that trademarked?
Can I use that? You absolutely can't use that.
Okay, cool. Listen man, I think this is going
to be my big break today. Oh, I was kind of thinking
it would be my big break today. You know, you're
probably right, but you know, I've been here
a while. I wonder if it might be my turn. I think
your turn has already passed. You've had many
turns. This is my first turn, so maybe you should
give me a shot for it to be my breakout time.
I don't know, man. I don't know if you've got
that PJ style. No, but I've got that Tank Bosman
style. We'll see how it goes. PJ and Tank are
inches away from each other. They're like kissing
distance. By the way, they've just been like
slowly moving closer as this happens. In the
midst of this, Tank, my god, a silhouette, falls
across you. One you've only seen in practices.
When he deigns to show up, who does he see? So,
uh, sauntering in... Comes like a large human
sized green monkey He's got he's got little electric
diodes coming out of his head that kind of give
off sparks every now and again and he looks he
looks real full of himself he's sauntering and
he's walking like a monkey though so he's like
you know he's got big lanky arms he can stand
upright but when he really saunters he walks
on on his fists like a like a primate this is
this is sunny kong We see the Borderlands splash
intro like Sunny Kong. It looks incredible. Yeah,
Sunny Kong body type. Are we talking brawler?
Are we talking alive and quick? Yeah, he's thin
and built. He's like a little bigger than a runner
build. Like he does like bodyweight exercises.
He does like pull -ups and push -ups. Nice. We
have a really fast montage of you doing three
things. What do we see? The first thing that
he does is he goes straight for the shower. I
always do this in my training montage. I love
to hit the showers first thing. So I'm nice and
wet. Gotta get clean. Gotta get clean to work
out. It's just sopping wet. So we see the Rocky
montage and he's just completely dripping. Yeah,
completely wet. He does the rowing machine, but
it's like he does the whole boat. Like on land?
It's just an actual robot? Again, completely
drenched. Because it makes him heavier. Wow,
you're right. Then he does push -ups, but they're
handstands. Hell yeah. Then he does, like, one
-handed handstand push -ups. Oh my gosh. And,
like, you look over at him, and he, like, winks
at you. And a little sparkle flies off of his
eye, but then a little spark flies off of one
of his diodes. Oh my god, it's getting in the
water, and it's sort of... It's interacting with
the water very poorly and then he goes it takes
another shower I'm always saying how wet and
slippery Sonny Kong is so this is good So Sonny
Kong, it's your first time seeing the new blood
Tank Bosman. He's supposed to be your goalie.
He's supposed to protect your sex out there.
What do you think of this guy? Also, can you
describe yourself, Tank? Oh, yeah. So Tank is
a big like linebacker build kind of guy. He's
got like a flat top haircut. It's like white
blonde hair. His jersey is a crop top. And he
wears like three inch Sophie shorts, like the,
you know, like the cotton, like like hot pants.
He keeps saying it's not, but it is. Did you
jazz it up at all for the game? Like, this is
the game, you know? Did you do anything differently?
Well, Tang has to do something with the birthday
boy, because the birthday boy is stuck to him.
We have a brief flashback to like 20 minutes
before you walked into the locker room. You are
alone. You're in your apartment. You're about
to walk out for the first time. You see your
full -length mirror, which is a big chip of like
very smooth plastic or something. You see your
own reflection kind of warped. Still you, baby.
And you see the birthday boy in his beyond looking
at you placidly. You're about to walk onto the
field with a birthday boy on you. What do you
do? Oh, birthday boy. Can you like... If I am
like, birthday boy, shape of, and then I say
something, will you turn into that? Birthday
boy kind of cocks its head and then it gives
you a thumbs up. Okay, birthday boy, shape of,
shoulder pads. Sick! Okay, give me a flat 1D6
roll of how cool these shoulder pads look. That's
a one. Nehar, describe the bad - oh wait, Natalie,
describe the bad shoulder pads. They just look
like the propeller hats. They're like pauldrons,
but they're like propeller hat - pauldrons. Every
time the propeller spins it goes wububububububububububububububububububububububububububububububububububububububububububububububububububububububububububububububububububububububububububububububububububububububububububububububububububububububububububububububububububububububububububububububububububububububububububububububububububububububububububububububububububububububububub
Do you still have the birthday hat stuck on your
head or no? Probably not. I don't want that to
be like my signature thing. I don't know, trying
to make it work. Tank, where's your head space
at? You're wearing Propeller Hat Pauldrons. You're
about to go play with your heroes. It's the big
fucking game. You can hear the crowd screaming,
Taro Megazord. Like, man, you've heard about
her. She's tough. How do you feel right now?
Tank's nervous. I mean, this is everything he's
ever wanted. And being a goalie, it kind of automatically
puts you in a position of leadership on the field,
but his teammates don't really know or respect
him that well. So it's very nerve wracking that
he's going to have to call some shots and kind
of take the lead, but he's the least tenured
person on the team. Hell yeah. You steal yourself,
you look in your mirror, you give your shoulder
paludron a spin, whoop whoop whoop whoop. And
then we cut, clang, that locker clangs shut.
And we see UFO walk into the locker room. This
is the head coach. She looks incredible. Like
in the past, I've described her as eighties Arnold
Schwarzenegger. And she still is, except now
she's wearing this crazy toga, which is like
a hand woven black and green thing. And she's
like fully oiled up and ready. She looks like
a marble statue. Like you're like, holy shit,
you know? She walks in, she looks at you impassively.
Boys, make me proud out there. Fuzz on three.
One, two, three, four! And you are pelting off!
to the roof for your big entrance. That's right.
The fuzz entrance. There's always some kind of
themed little entrance. We like to mix it up
here on the Fresco fuzz. So today, somebody has
decided it was a cool idea to stretch a big carpet
from the roof all the way to the ground. And
it's like a big thing of shag carpet. And you're
going to do a flip or roll or something and look
cool as you bounce into the crowd. And when you
land, there's going to be fireworks that go off.
You know what? You know who goes first? The big
pisser goes first. The big pisser, which, if
I can remind you, arm pads. Assless chaps. Gimp
mask. Nothing else. Dick to the wind. Flop and
loose and free, baby. This dude looks out at
the screaming crowd. Beautiful day. Hot. Feel
your blood racing in your ears, and he's just
like, hup. Alright, here we go. The big pisser.
Man of mystery. And he just sort of like fully
sprints, like he doesn't try to do anything cool,
he just tries to run really fast down the thing,
and he is going to... Sound of dice, sound of
dice, sound of dice. He does okay. He only stumbles
a little bit. The shag is pretty high, so...
And looks okay. He runs... As he hits the ground,
pyrotechnics go off. Incredible. God damn it,
why does he have to go first? His dick touched
the carpet again. Garth, you want to go next?
You are welcome to roll an attribute. You could
roll a fortune roll, which I would let you do
for free, or you could roll an attribute, which
I might punish you for. So, up to you. Is now
a good time to talk about the game? Yeah, let's
talk about the game. Let's talk about the game.
Okay, today we are playing a little hack of A
-State that I put together. It's called Tick
Tick Boom. And if you're like, Robert, what's
the name of the musical? No, it's fucking not!
I'll come to your house and I'll kill you, okay?
My thing, I invented it. It's also a movie based
on a musical. Go to hell! I'm strangling Chance
right now. Anyway, we're playing tick, tick,
boom. It's cool. It's normal. It's not played
out. It's a good name. So instead of our normal
stats, we only have three available points in
everything. And we only have three stats per
stack. We have tactics, rhythm, and funk. Those
are our three main attribute piles. And then
within those, within tactics, we have playbook,
brotherhood, and mind freak. So these are things
that you could have up to three points in. And
three points means, like, you roll three dice
when you roll with it. Yes. Each X in the thing
means that, like, if you have one X, you roll
one dice, et cetera. So tactics. Playbook, Brotherhood,
and Mind Freak. This is knowing how to play the
game, knowing how to work with your team, knowing
how to work with the enemy team. Next up, we
have Rhythm. This is all about body movement.
The specific categories within this are stunt,
clobber, and wreck. So stunt is anything dextrous,
high speed, complex movement, clobber, fighting,
strength -based movement, and wreck is destroy
all in your path. This can also be leveled against
physical objects, might come in handy. And then
finally we have the funk category, which has
dazzle, power, and then the mysterious third
thing, which is different for everybody. So everybody
has their own word under the third category in
funk. This is your special. This is the thing
that you have that nobody else has. And I'm kind
of intending it to be like a fallback. Like if
you're really good at it, you can roll it on
its own, whatever. But if you're not good at
something, you are welcome to try to make a shot
for it with your special ability. Other than
that, we're playing pretty much like normal A
state, where we have stress and we also have,
instead of load, we have boost. So chance, you
spend stress, like stress is your currency, where
you only have X money stress points and certain
stuff uses up your stress. You are gonna have
a chance to get some of it back throughout the
game. But if your stress box is maxed out, you
fall unconscious, you're knocked. So you're always
trying to balance stress against whatever you're
trying to do. And then boost are, at any point,
you can add a boost box to whatever you're doing.
So that's a free dice. You just decide to do
that. However, those do not refresh. So up to
you. Same as ever, we have three levels of harm.
This is a blood sport. I'm expecting all of you
guys to get knocked. I'm expecting all of you
guys to get hurt. I will be playing to kill.
You should also be playing to kill. That's what's
up. In addition to this, we have special moves.
So each of you has your own stuff going on that
might have some synergy with your buddies. So
there are some other things you can do. So first
of all about recovering stuff. So you're gonna
have several chances to recover things. First
of all, halftime. So when we hit halftime in
the game, you're gonna have a chance to re -boost
something. That could be stress, it could be
boost, or it could be harm, but it won't be all
three. It'll just be one of those. And on top
of that, you can roll brotherhood to try to de
-stress yourself or your friends. So that's another
way we can get stressed down mid -game. However,
you cannot... move two goals forward unless you
crit. So you can't be like, I roll to do well
at the game and I want to de -stress myself.
You know, like it's going to be one or the other.
So that's another thing we're balancing. Boost,
I would, I've been picturing that as either like
hitting the juice or if, you know, if there's
like, I see my long lost lover in the crowd.
My God, she's here. She believes in me. You know,
like that could also be a boost, you know, just
whatever would help you with your game. Garth.
It's time for your entrance. What would you like
to roll as you dismount the roof into the pyrotechnics?
Oh boy, uh... The demon is gonna try and land
on one of the things spraying sparks. So, uh...
That's... I'm gonna just roll a straight -up
fortune roll. Nice, nice, nice! When we say fortune
roll, that's just 1d6, and six is good, one is
bad, you know? That's not very good. It's a two.
What's it look like when you eat shit and take
a level of harm? A level of harm? I do not want
that. I would like to resist the harm, at least.
All right, give me a rhythm resist. Oh, man.
We're starting like this. I should just never
roll for anything. OK, that's a five. I can take
that. Not bad. All right. So I think does the
thing where he slides down the carpet and then
midway through tries to do a jump where he lands
on on one of the pyrotechnics Completely misses
the pyrotechnics thing, but then acts like he
meant to do that anyway Doesn't wave to the crowd
never wave to the crowd in his entire career
Just absolutely no selling it Hurts feels bad
didn't take the harm, but feels bad next up PJ
Fuck, how would you like to dismount the roof?
PJ Fuck wants to try and strike a pose and hold
it the whole slide down the carpet. What do you
want to roll? And then we'll have you describe
it. I guess it's probably stunt. Nice. Yeah,
that sounds about right. I got a two. Wow, these
rolls. You're doing great. What pose? Home team.
I love you, man! People are ready to die for
you! Just imagine the big paper banner that they,
you know, tear through. They just, like, ram
up against it and can't break through. The fans
are like, it's fun! They make you do that! It's
cool! What pose is PJ holding as he eats shit
on this? So he tries to do, like, a cool kick
slide down the carpet and about, like, a third
of the way down that his shoe catches and he's
just tumbling the rest of the way down. I'm not
going to make you take a level of harm because
you weren't in the pyrotechnics, but kind of
visible crowd like, ooh. All right, tank in line.
He stands up and flips his hair just to play
it off all cool. Oh, cool, cool. Nice. Nobody
believes it. Yeah. Sonny gives you a pat on the
back and says, all right, little guy, you're
up. Thanks, Sonny. Tank is gonna devout interview
and he's gonna be facing away from the crowd
in like a Bruce Springsteen born in the USA kind
of pose. He's gonna like kind of snap and he's
gonna spin around and then he's gonna do like
a put your hand over your ear like coming over
your ear and like try to get the crowd going
and... Wow, he kind of rounds the crowd but nobody
knows who he is except that he's from Boston.
What would you like to roll for this? I'll roll
stunt. Okay. I'm gonna try to do like a somersault
down. If you land this, this will be huge. It's
a three. Not a single winning roll so far. You
gotta save a cycle. You do this cool like...
The crowd's like, oh, this guy's got some showmanship.
And then you just stumble and kind of fall off
the roof. Like legs to up. Like on the ground,
family guy pose. Good, yeah. Just fall. Heard
that one. Yeah, incredible. Sonny. It's all you,
baby. Sonny kind of loosens his neck up. He gets
loosened up, jumps off the roof. And as he lands,
he lands into a break -dancing six -step in all
his monkey prowess, which culminates in him spinning
around on his back and then going into a leaning
-down -on -the -ground pose like, eh, what's
up? Are you just Funky Kong? I'm Sonny Kong.
It's totally different, Devon. It legally distanced.
Legally distanced. Alright, I would take that
as either a stunt roll. Yeah, it's gotta be stunt,
right? Or dazzle. I was gonna do dazzle. Yeah,
I'm gonna try dazzle. Why not? Because I want
this to be okay. Oh, it's a six! It's a six!
So what's crazy is the shittiness of everyone
else's rolls. It just absolutely bolsters yours
and people are like, oh, thank God! At least
Sunny's still got it. You land. It's incredible.
Crowd goes wild. He fucked up, he's a half mile
away. He can't interview you. Sonny just bangs
on his chest and like bangs the ground with his
hands like a monkey. Wow, it's all working out
for Sonny Conk. We enter the field, Garth kind
of bleeding a little bit already. We see the
field we see that blessed shrine of violence
We see the plane of pain the old dusty the fresco
tick ball court. This is hard packed earth Meticulously
groomed and packed down the rest of trash planet
is piles of trash not here This is good clean
dirt and at the edges of the pitch we see metal
poles. These are pipes These are pillars from
buildings. They are here to support the ropes
which are bouncy like pro wrestling ropes And
that's important because if your body fully exits
these ropes, you take a penalty. So just like
pro wrestling, like, oh, he's out of the ring,
whoa, you know, it's like that. And... Critically,
you are not allowed to use objects of any kind.
Things that are an extension of your body are
allowed. This is the loophole that allows juice
usage because there are like, you know, there's
like a juice thing where you can shoot out electricity.
That's a product of your body. So that's fine.
You know, we're not worried about it. But again,
it's like pro wrestling. If the crowd is to hand
you a chair, you know, who's to say, for instance,
what could happen with that if the officials
back was turned. These are the rules of tick
ball. It is just a good, clean sport where we
all try to kill each other. And of course, we
all know about tick ball. We know how it works,
which is why we're going to say it again, because
it's so universally known. We're all in agreement.
The ball is not a ball. It is a tick. The tick
is a spiky, horrible seed that comes from a tick
tree. It's an irregular shape. It's hard to throw.
It's a little bit too light. It's about the size
of a football. It sucks to handle. It tears up
your skin. So no equipment is allowed in tickball
and you have pretty much no protective stuff.
Like it's not against the rules, it's just nobody
uses it. It's like, it doesn't look cool. So
it's a pretty normal strategy to physically stick
the tick somewhere in your body and keep your
hands free for punching and flipping. So this
is the blood sport element. Like we are ripping
ourselves up for this. So it is not possible
to cheat in tickball because it is not possible
to cheat in war, right? People will do whatever
you can get away with. Nobody's pulling out a
gun, however... We want to win, right? We all
want to win here. You just have to get the tick
into the enemy's goal. However that happens is
fine. And the goal is just a little patch of
earth, maybe five feet across. It's marked out
in spray paint on each side of the field. There's
theirs and there's yours. And now it is time
for the engagement roll. I'm going to give you
a disadvantage for Garth eating shit unless anyone
can argue me why you should have an advantage.
Garth isn't a stranger to blood and harm. Okay.
I'll allow that. I'm back up to neutral. Home
field. Home field. That's true. We see a sea
of green. There's a little bit of purple in the
crowd repping the gunk snakes, but not too much
of it. So yeah. Yeah, absolutely. Okay. I will
give you two dice on your engagement roll. Who
would like to do this? Can I give one more? Well,
the fact that Sunny is electric and also still
wet. He's drenched. He smells. Awful. Absolutely
sopping. Okay, I will give you plus two on this
engagement roll. So now we talk about how the
game actually plays. There are three clocks.
There is they win, which is an eight clock. There
is we win which is an eight o 'clock and there
is prove yourself which is tanks So if you crit
it will be possible to score on both at once
like you can work on we win and prove yourself
Okay, but other than that these are separate
tracks You could lose the game and still win
people's respect or the other way around So so
do I have to like explicitly go for things to
prove myself instead of trying to win the game
it can't be like if you crit that's what i mean
if you crit yeah okay this is the same thing
about like i think if you if you crit you're
allowed to pick two things that you do it might
be refreshing stress it might be whatever okay
how do i prove myself that's not like doing something
to advance you just tell me yeah you just tell
me what you want to do that's flashy like it's
just gonna function the same as playing the game
normally so that's what's up yeah what are the
clock limits again eight they are both eight
except for prove yourself which is six So whenever
we roll, we're trying to tick a clock forward.
So right now, we're at 0 out of 8 on We Win.
We would like it to be 8 out of 8. And also,
whenever there are 8 ticks on the board total,
so it could be 6 and 2 or 4 and 4, that's when
halftime happens. So that's another thing to
be aware of. And also, you can call timeouts,
but I'm not going to give you any special stuff
you can do during a timeout. That's just fully
narrative. Questions. I'll figure it out. We'll
get there. All right. It's time for tip off.
Please hit the engagement roll. We said plus
two. So that's three total, right? Or two total.
Yes. Do we really want me to be the number one
most cursed man? I mean, I asked you. This is
online. That is snake eyes. That is snake eyes,
baby. And you know what? You are up against the
gorgeous gunk snakes. So it all makes sense.
We go for tick off. That's what they call it.
Everyone pause for laugh. And Tank, I think everybody
starts, it's like basketball where everybody
just starts right clustered around it. And the
official is going to hand off the ball and both
of you swat for it. Tank, you lock eyes with
Taro Megazord. You look at her, her hair is like
rising up like Ghibli style, like filled with
determination and emotion. She is the youngest
ever winner of the tick brawl, which is like
the all -star game in this area. And she, like,
psychically, you know, you're like, she's gonna
win this. And you're like, fuck. All right, tick
three on they win. You snake -eyed, man. You
fucking blew it. So the first thing that happens
like everybody's like shambling up. Everybody's
sweaty. Everybody's wet Everybody Garth is like
rolling his shoulder out. It's all clunky. It
sucks and then Like tarot Megazord does the anime
fast travel thing and the tick is just halfway
down the field already Oh, oh god. Oh god, and
we are absolutely on the backfield. Who would
like to go first? I will Get it get it. What
are you gonna do? All right. So first I'm gonna
run by Garth I'm not Pantsom. Excellent. That
would be considered treating my teammate badly.
I would agree, I would agree, yeah. Great, so
then I'm gonna get an extra dice on my roll.
Can you explain why that is? Oh yeah, one of
my special moves is bad boy with an eye. And
once per turn if I treat a teammate badly, I
can add one die. to any role. I pants Garth and
as I run past, just like a really quick, like
even just with my tail and one hand, there goes
Garth's pants. Like off, like out, like he has
to go get him. Garth underwear situation, describe.
It's those horrible, like, boxer briefs where
you have, like, the wolf face on them. We leave
Garth in Marilyn Monroe pose. Okay, what are
you up to, Sonny? And then I'm gonna, um, go
race after Taro Megazord to try and, like, grab
her. Ah, hell yeah, we're going for a tackle.
Yeah. And I'll say, like, I'm jumping, I'm bobbing,
I'm trying to get her, I'm... Nimble so I'm gonna
like try to jump on her and like with my hand
to hands Grab her face and with my foot hands
Grab her like the ball and like but I'm like
poking her eyes. I'm like I'm clawing at her
eyes Incredible. What would you like to roll
for that? I'm gonna I'm gonna call this stunt
Five double five fuck yeah, okay, so that is
one success on please tick we win Tarot cries
out you have snagged her. She is covered in monkey
hands I really didn't like the addition of like
hand hands and foot hands that was stressful
to me, but I enjoyed it So you did get her however
the consequence is divorce guy is gonna tick
one unless you resist You're gonna allow the
divorce guy to build up divorce power Everyone's
saying, rabbit, your game is really coherent.
What does it look like to garner divorce power?
I think that as you're, you know, you're thrashing
Taro right now, like boom, boom, boom. And over
the corner of your eye, you don't know why this
catches your eye, but it does. You see, everybody
else has like professional athlete physique.
Divorce guy just looks like a stepdad. He's wearing
wraparound shades and he's jogging at you at
a leisurely pace. You just feel like, oh, there's
like a dark energy off this guy. You think this
isn't his special move yet, but you think this
would work towards his divorce guide powers.
So I'm going to let him do it. I'm not going
to resist it. Where would you like to send the
action? Well, your pants. So I'm going to send
it to JD. Fuck Pete. PJ Fuck. PJ Fuck. It's incredible
you didn't remember PJ Fuck. Well, this is happening.
I think, uh, Garth is like, defeatedly walking
towards one of the ropes where his pants are
just thinned. I'm like, this is the seventh time
this week he does this shit during practice.
The crowd, I don't know, man. I don't know. It's
like a crowd. watching this pantsless man just
like jogging after his pants. Okay, PJ, fuck,
what are you up to? Um, so right now two of the
gunk snakes are like pretty far down the field
with the ball and Sunny is stopping that right
now. Yes. Okay. Also, I'm prepared to play pretty
fast and loose with where people are. I don't
give a shit. Let's go. Okay. I'm going to say
that PJ Fuck kind of like feels the misogyny
emanating out of Mr. Divorce Guy. And he recognizes
it, you know. And he's going to go over there
and try to... What are you thinking of doing?
Stopping whatever he's doing. Stopping the divorce.
The vague divorce coming down the line. You could
dazzle and distract or something. Yeah. You could
go break his kneecaps. Yeah, that's true. That's
true. PJ fucks gonna like get in his face a little
bit and just kind of like shove his shoulders
and be like Hey, man, you're kind of like killing
my vibe. Can you stop that? Would you call this
a dazzle move a power move or oh wait, you have
can I use my spite for that? What is it that
you resent about the divorce guy PJ fuck can
tell that this guy gets more action than him
It's a cocked six again one more Okay success
with one consequence Consequence is gonna be
level of harm unless you resist it. The success
is Say it again as if you fucking hate this guy
Hey, man, what the hell are you doing? You're
kind of killing my vibe That was the nicest spite
I've ever heard. I don't know. I don't have a
lot of spite in me. That's lovely. What a lovely
problem to have. Yeah. Canonically, PJ Fox, he
thinks it's spite, but it's really just like...
Like justifiable outrage. Yeah. Divorce guy turns
at you blankly. He's mad. His attention is on
you. He is no longer gaining divorce power. However,
while your back is turned, Doc Charlie's gonna
go for your knees unless you resist. I think
I'd like to resist that, yeah. Okay, give me
a rhythm resist. Two. Two. Okay, so the fourth
stress. Knees sound important, though. Yeah,
it does. All right, you see Doc Charlie slide
in behind you. You see this is a tough dude.
He's like longtime tick ball player, very broad.
You imagine he has no flexibility whatsoever.
Like he just slides in for your knees, misses.
Close, though. Where would you like to send the
action? I want to see what Tank is up to. Tank,
man! It's happening. What are you happening?
Tang is caught off guard immediately after tarot
Megazord just like straight up teleports So he's
gonna he's gonna take a hit of the juice because
he's got to get back on defense How do you take
the hit we said that you had that vial of meat
juice, right? Do you want to hit that or do you
want to hit generalized juice? I'm gonna hit
more generalized juice for this one before the
game Tank shoved a bunch of Copenhagen long cut
drenched in juice and shoved it in between his
toes before he put his... God damn it. Cool,
yeah. Wait, does this mean he has individual
command over his toes, like flexible, so he can
be like, all right, engage, right toe. Activate,
juice. Sure, I guess, I don't know. Incredible.
Wait, so there's two people with foot hands on
the team? Fuck that. No, fuck this. It's canceled.
Only one of us has foot hands. So I got the ace
of shine, the ruckus. The verbs are bounding,
howling, clattering. And the grist is shattered
glass, knuckle bones, MDF, and tear gas. Fuck
yeah. That's a good one for me. Yeah, it is a
good one. So I think. I'm going to be running
back on defense. I'm heading towards Taro Megazord
and I'm going to try to slide tackle her. Fuck
yeah. All right. Would you like to call this
clobber, wreck, other? I mean, all my rhythm
is the same. So you do have the plus one from
the juice. Yeah. So I guess I guess wreck. All
right, let's do it. She's in my path. If I'm
still on her, will I take damage from that? We'll
see. We'll see what happens in this role. It's
a five. Five, nice, okay. Hey, what's that other
dice right there? Oh, that's a one, so that's
a juice burn. Incredible. Okay, so the juice
burn is what happens when you use the juice too
strong, too good, and something bad happens to
you. Name me a number between one and 12. Two.
Two. You've already said two. We can't do that
one. Okay. I mean, I... Hey, Chance, name me
a number between one and 12. One and 12? 11.
11. Delicious. Buddy, you are delicious to local
creatures. This is the third time. This is the
third time I've gotten this. In that case, you're
going to be attacked by birds. Unless you resist,
that's going to be your consequence. Yeah, I'm
going to have to resist that. OK, please give
me either a funk or a rhythm resist. Let's see.
I'll do rhythm. Oh, six. Nothing. OK. Also, it's
important to note that I got a five on that last
roll. No. Nice. Later. I have a move called misdirect
where whenever you roll a four or higher you
sick gain a plus 1d on your next move that's
sick actually all right so what does it look
like when you get tarot and then you expertly
dodge a flock of flying funk legs i think so
i'm i'm gonna like slide tackle her and i see
out of the corner of my eye uh a flock of these
funk legs these are lesser funk legs lesser funk
legs weren't funk legs in the rivers they're
ducks dude they can fly it's like you don't even
care about the biology of trash planet god okay
anyway as i as i see them so i was gonna like
Actually like tackle tackle her but I see them
and I shift and I slide tackle so that the funk
legs Swoop over me and then I take her out from
from her legs and then I stand up over top of
her and kind of like flex Well, and she's all
tied up with Sonny anyway, so suddenly it's two
on one. She's cornered Wow folks are really smooth
move from number 44 I can't quite read it. He's
from Boston though. We know he's from Boston.
That's what we know I actually forgot about that.
He can't however explain that he can't hear.
He just hears from a distance. Amazing. Okay.
Where would you like to send the action? Oh,
do I have to pick whether that went towards?
Yes. I'll go for the team. Okay. All right. We're
now at two on that. Where would you like to send
the action? Oh, it's going to Garth, baby. Camera
swivels over to Garth, still putting on pants.
He's doing the thing where he's hopping on one
leg, trying to get the other leg in. And pulls
the drawstring super tight this time. As tight
as possible. And I see at the corner of my eye,
I see someone charging at the tick, seeing the...
the possession has changed question mark i think
i'll say sonny you have possession now because
y 'all are winning ontario right now yeah yeah
so since since we have possession we see them
taking the defensive but they're in front of
me so i can hit them from behind and uh The demon
doesn't play in a way that any sport should be
played. I'm gonna charge on all fours and try
to just completely sucker punch this guy from
behind. Pfft, fuck it. Which guy? Let's say it's
Mondo. Alright! Okay, the camera swivels in on
Mondo Farfisa! And the camera swivels in on Mondo
Farfisa, who is, he's old guy tough, you know?
You know when a guy is old guy and he's tough
and he's like flabby, but he's tough and you're
like, tough looking guy. You are going to go
for Mondo Farfisa. What do you want to roll?
I think Mondo and I have had a handful of scuffles
in the past. In slow motion, he like swivels
around. He's like, brother, good to see you again
on the field of carnage. I'm going to kill you
this time. I'm going to kill you. Can I flashback?
Yes. Yeah, real quick. I'm going to flashback
to five games ago when there was a weird moment
when Mondo Farfisa and Garth the Demon had gotten
into a fight so bad that it kept going after
the match was over. It kept swinging at each
other. And it was just it was a bloodbath, but
also like no one cared. But I've sort of. gotten
used to how he how he swings where he's gonna
aim for so oh man it's like the pro wrestling
thing where the two people are kicking each other
at exactly the same time into each other like
just you just slam a little bit to the left but
you're both yeah exactly incredible yeah how
much stress would such a flashback like one like
that's like yeah of course yeah so you're taking
a plus one on this i'm assuming yeah yeah i got
all right i'm gonna try to clobber him so yeah
That's a crit. That's two sixes. Fuck yeah. Okay,
so you can take two on the clock. Correct me
if I'm wrong. Perfect success? Is that not right?
It's up to you, man. You made this game. All
right, I'm consulting the legal team. They're
saying it's okay. We can take two. Great job.
Can I have some men behind a double mirror that
are giving the thumbs up? Can I actually make...
Slight adjustment to that. Can I take one for
our win and untick one of theirs? I would allow
that I would love to do so I think okay what
you need to tell me a move so beautiful that
Both, it gets Mondo real good, and it lowers
morale on the gunk snakes. Okay, I've got it.
Just like how real sports is, chance! This is
how sports goes! I think I do, uh... I fucking
kill him! You just pull out a big knife and you're
like... I think Garth is aiming to kill him,
but Mondo is tough. So I think we do get a big
old sucker punch that throws Mondo into the ropes.
And Mondo bounces back and then Garth, like,
tries to bounce him off his chest, but Mondo
grabs the drawstring and Garth's pants fall down
again. But this time it's a show of strength.
This time the wolf on your crotch is proud and
mighty. It's not embarrassing at all. It's embarrassing
for the guy with my pants in his hand. Oh, that's
cool. Actually, yeah, you're like strangling
him with your underwear. That's kind of cool.
Wait, with his underwear or with his pants? Okay,
okay, pants. I'm on the far side of the field
now just wreaking havoc on their side of the
team. Fuck yeah. Alright, we got Mondo all tied
up with Garth the demon. Garth, where would you
like to send the action? I think we gotta go
to whoever has possession, don't we? Let's take
it to Sunny. Yeah, Sunny, what are you up to?
Did I like leap off when Megazord okay? Listen,
you've got possession, you're scrambling off
of her, her wind's out of her sails, you know?
What do you want to do? What I'm gonna do...
We've got a tank over here, right? Yes. I'm gonna,
like, sack -tap tank. Cops are for losers. And
they're uncomfortable. And then I'm going to
do, like, a... I put the ball in my tail. so
that I got my hands free, and I'm gonna, like,
pile driver, like, elbow into Megazord. Just,
like, trying to, like, incapacitate Megazord
as much as I can. And as Tank gets sacked half
and doubles over, he's like, oh, good shot, man,
and I'm gonna assist. Let me take it! Nice! Nice
one! Alright, um... I guess that's clobber, yeah?
I'll take it, yeah, go for it. Alright, here
we go. Four, yeah. Four. Okay. So, you're just
pile -driving tarot. You're just like elbow into
the face. Oh, brutal crunching bone and blood
crowd screams. It's crazy. Uh, the consequence
is the divorce is gonna happen. No, no. Okay,
so I have... I thought the divorce was, was upended.
Well... It's happening again. Brother, you're
getting divorced. This is so off in the case.
No. No. Not again. So I have an ability called
encourage. So when you resist, Sonny. You take
minus one stress. Oh, it says when you assist
the player, you're assisting takes minus one
stress. That would be on a resistance. You're
actually zeroed on stress right now. So like
you're cool. Yes, essentially. So that's a cool
move, not relevant right now and does not help
with your impending divorce. Would you like to
allow the divorce to happen? I'm trying to defend.
Oh, it's not a minus one stress to the role.
It's just in general. Yes, it's like off your
total. Yeah, it's like a heel mid -game. Well,
maybe I wouldn't have done that if I knew how
that worked. Yeah, and I'm gonna be like, sucks
to suck, little man. No. He's called me little
man. He's still calling him little. You are like
a head and shoulders taller than me. All right,
would you like to resist the divorce or no? I
take a stress. Is that what happens? No, so you
have a possibility to take a lot of stress if
you resist it's random Like it would be a tactics
resist to avoid divorce You resisted no matter
what it's not like you I'm gonna resist the divorce.
All right, so roll one dice for me Two. So you
get four. Four stress. Basic math, thank you.
Four stress. Yes, okay. Can we retroactively
apply my minus one? That's how I thought it worked.
Tickball is a brutal game, okay? He did say sucks
to suck. I did say sucks to suck. He did say
sucks to suck. Sucks to suck. Could I end, I'm
gonna take one more stress and end this turn
by disappearing. It's still your turn, right?
Yeah. Yeah. Fuck yeah. Okay. Do it So I'm gonna
yeah take one more stress and now I'm invisible.
No one can target me. What does it look like
when you vanish? So what I'll say I'll look over
at the lightly jogging guy Divorce guy in his
fucking sweatpants and I I'll look at him and
I'll say Carol loves me more than that and then
in a like a split puff of smoke I'll go poof
and like it'll blow out wow and a sunny signature
move he's become smoke or he's shitted out we're
not really sure where the smoke came from where
would you like to send the action? I will send
the action back to Tank Tank has been falling
in slow motion for 20 minutes So Sonny has the
the tick right? Yep. Okay, you just yeah you
disappear. Yeah I'm going to pretend like when
he said to have to me he gave me the tick and
I'm gonna like I'm levitating right now. I'm
so happy. Yes, please. What would you like to
call this? I'm gonna assist with this too. I'm
gonna run long. Oh, like he's gonna throw the
bottom. Yes. Yes. Okay plus one on there and
what would you like to do? Yeah, I guess this
could I would take playbook I would take honestly
I would take a lot of I would take playbook brotherhood
or dazzle would be I'm gonna go brotherhood This
is this is pure like yeah actual teamwork That's
a six tick two on we win wait, do I get to choose
where they go? You're right. You do. Yes. Where
would you like to put your two points? I'm going
to put one in each. Nice. Okay. One in one. Where
are we at? Clockkeeper halfway to winning four
out of eight. And then they're two out of eight
because we've set them back. Okay. And then you
have one out of six. Unprove yourself. That was
your first one, man. You got a lot of proving
to do. Also, if the game ends, you can't prove
yourself. I'm just saying. This is like a beautiful
little playbook motion. We actually snap back
into the locker room, UFO looking cool as fuck,
X is on a diagram, and it's like, and then PJ,
you'll go long. Back into the action, PJ running,
hair whipping, looks good. Tank, anything else
you want to do on your turn or what do you want
to do? I think that's it for Tank for this turn.
I'm gonna send it to... I'm gonna send it back
to Garth. Okay. Question, is the pisser in play?
Does he need turns? The pisser is in play, but
he's more of an assistive capacity. I think whenever
we're not looking at the big pisser, he is blasting
with piss someone either on the other team or
in the crowd. Pisser, get me, get me! Hey, uh,
hey, Robin. Like, fuckin' Mean Joe Green. Just
covered in piss. Hey, hey, Rabbit. Hey, Rabbit,
can the pressure build up enough for it to be
used as a t -shirt cannon? Actually, the t -shirts,
it's like shooting clay pigeons. The t -shirts
are launching and the big kisser's like shooting
them down with his butt. They're kinda screaming,
they love this guy. He's not proved himself,
big pisser, he's so over boy, we love this dude.
Anyway, what do we do Garth? Okay, I think Garth
is seeing this opportunity of the tick moving
the right way across the field for once and is
gonna use the ropes to basically stretch them
as far as he can and then launch like straight,
like you know, across ways of the field trying
to hit as many of the opposing team members,
get them out of the way. Like literally flying
into them if he can with this the elasticity
of this rope fuck. Yeah, what do you want to
call that? I would take stunt. I would also take
I think it's a wreck Yeah, I would take wreck
cuz that's destroy all in your path. That's quite.
Yes. Yes also You're starting to piss me off
every time you were a teammate gains a juice
burn or an injury true Add one. Oh fuck. Yeah,
here we go. This is also for yeah That's a five.
That's a five. Incredible. Okay. You're going
to succeed. They're going to tick one unless
you resist. Yeah, we'll let that happen. Okay.
All right. So both of you guys go up one. Thank
you. Clockkeeper. I believe that puts us at halftime
actually. I think it does. Okay. So Garth, take
us out. What's this beautiful carnage of chaos
before it all, you know, the officials call the
horn. Mondo is just now getting up and recovering,
but he doesn't see the fact that there's a giant
dog face headed straight for him like a bullet.
I land on him, knock him over again, jump off,
and I think I'm gonna run into Doc Charlie next.
It's like bouncing off a slab of meat. This is
a powerful man. And then I'll end it by like
basically landing and trying to go like claws
out mauling All City. All City was cool. She
had her own thing going on. We didn't really
see it on - camera POW right in the kisser and
then free whistle blows that's halftime folks
all right looks like they're all tied up at halftime
let me get my binoculars out I can't quite read
the fucking script I should really like go to
a game I should go to a game before before we
cut to halftime as well I'd like to point out
that Connie lost his bet within the first second
of the game Wait, which one? Like I said, the...
Maybe we get the first possession. Yeah, maybe
we get the first possession. It was your fault.
It was your fault too. It was your fault. You
wrote the... All right, whistle blows. Everybody's
hustling back inside, covered in towels. We got
people squirting you with water and juice and
Gatorade. We are back in the locker room. Doors
shut, UFOs in there, looking down at you guys
covered in blood. What's the vibe like? How are
we feeling about what we've done here today?
But yeah, just so you can see him, he's wearing
the jacket and the hat. But like, some sunglasses.
But he's still invisible. And you will feel,
before you see it, a gentle pat on the rear.
And he'll say, you did good in there, kid. Sonny,
is that you? Yeah, it's me, little guy. When
did you learn how to go invisible? I've been
able to do that since I was a young child. Wow.
Dude. I'm not even sure how I do it. Oh, I was
gonna ask if you could like teach me that sometime,
but it seems like it's like an innate thing.
I'm pretty sure it has something to do with...
being some kind of lab freak. I see, I see, yeah.
Really quickly, you ever seen those compressed
GIFs where they do a whole movie in one second?
We do that, but for Sonny Kong, where it's like
it's so fucking fast we can't see a goddamn thing
of it, it's like it's whole backstory just like,
just images, images, it's over, we missed it,
I don't know, who's to say? It was tragic. It
was tragic, there was a lot going on. Pathos,
beauty, sadness, pain. He wasn't always a monkey.
It's true, yeah. He was something else. Wasn't
no human. Incredible. Anyway, it doesn't matter.
Not relevant to the tickball game. You've been
complimented by Sonny Kong, the star player of
the Fresco Fuzz. Tank is like, he's gonna take
that and he's gonna put it in his pocket. He's
gonna say that one for out on the field as some
motivation. Hell yeah. Hey, you keep this up
and you're gonna make a big splash with the audience,
I can just tell. And then you'll see the coat
drop off. And the hat drops, and then you'll
hear like little like... towards the shower.
You know who's making a splash. Big pisser walks
out. Dick flapping in the wind. He's hydrating
profusely. He's like drinking out of a rain barrel.
Kid your moves were sloppy but intriguing. Yeah,
it was a little hard. I got sacked out by Sonny.
But I think I did a good job of, like, parlaying
that into, like, a good move that we faked out
the other team. That's so true, but you didn't
piss on a single person. Yeah, well, like, I
didn't want to, like, step on your thing. I knew
that was, like, your whole thing, right? And
I didn't want to, like, assume your identity
because, you know, your identity is, like, pretty
secret to you. So I didn't want to, like, even
take the time to, like, live inside. Your identity.
The big pisser considers this deeply. He's grateful.
PJ, how you doing? PJ's looking a little miffed.
He feels like he hasn't gotten any of the spotlight.
UFO sits down next to you and goes, PJ? Stares
at you impassively. UFO? Pressure's building.
What do you want, UFO? Looks at you like crash
zoom on her eyes. Intense, stony focus. What
do you want, PJ? She walks away. Another fulfilling
pep talk from UFO, then. Garth, how are you doing?
Hey, piss, let me ask you something. You keep
saying that your identity is a secret, but, you
know, your lovers, have they ever recognized
you from your not -face? I'm divorced. Believe
it or not. I fully believe that. Grabs you by
the shoulders. You must not let him divorce you.
Oh God, he touched me. You must do anything in
your power to prevent a divorce. Yeah, I'm not
gonna get married, my guy. Have you seen me?
My teeth have blood and guts in them most of
the time. Wow, I thought I had a mental image
of like your teeth had veins and blood in them
like in them that would be fucked up Well, now
you put the mental image in my fuck you piss
fuck you fuck you demon Another fulfilling conversation
any who it is now halftime, which means everybody
gets one action You can either try to recover
stress try to recover harm or try to recover
boost What would we like to do? I'd like to recover
stress amazing same roll your worst vertical
attribute So it's either funk rhythm or tactics.
Can I help with brotherhood? I don't know, you
said brotherhood was for this exact purpose.
I'm consulting my boys my boys are kind of shrugging.
They're like we didn't plan for that That's my
favorite pro wrestling quote by the way Fandango
did that in WWE He was like well I took the evidence
back to the boys in the lab and I found out there's
no boys and there's no lab Wrestling is good,
actually. If I'm mean to someone, can I get another
die? You guys suck, why not? I'm gonna take a
clothes pin and I'm gonna clothes pin pisser
on the penis. You can't see it coming because
he's invisible. Why not? How many are you rolling
right now? Three. This sucks. No, I carefully
made game. Five. Okay. I think that, are you
out? Like you're - I'm back, yeah. Oh, fully
back. That's awesome. It sucks for me. He's back.
Would anyone else like to recover their stuff?
Are you pretty pristine right now? I recover
stress. Okay. Why not? Oh, you over - Do you
over indulge? How does that work right now? Oh,
what? Okay. What was your worst attribute? Funk.
Funk. It's fun to be the low charisma person.
That's good. We can't do it the normal way because
that doesn't apply here. I'm going to say - You
have negative one to funk rolls going forward,
but you have to tell me why you try to relax
and you relax too much. Like, what does that
look like? PJ goes to take a shower and without
knowing it's the one that, um, Sonny just used.
So the temperature is already perfect and he
just gets stands and stays in there for way too
long. Oh, okay. Yeah. Oh, I thought you said,
I thought you were saying he was going to get
electrocuted. I'm still in there. Yeah, it takes
me twice as long to shower because I keep looking
for where those sounds are coming from. Wow,
a mystery shower. I love it. PJ is very distracted.
Okay, does anyone else need to recover stress,
recover boost, etc.? Yeah, I'll recover boost.
Sorry, how does that work? All right, so we're
gonna roll a D4 for you. Two. And how many did
you have ticked? I had one ticked. Okay. Oh no,
I don't like the sound of that. So you're going
to overindulge on juice and gain, that's right,
maybe another juice burn. Okay. At this point,
your flesh is spattered with like colorful scars
and like bubbled up skin. You're pretty juice
burn. How many do you have at this point? I have
five, but three of them are delicious to monsters.
This new one is... Think you're probably trying
to pick yourself back up in the locker room like
you're like, okay, okay just another hit take
the edge off you hit the juice and You start
feeling real twitchy. You still start feeling
nervous You gain a phobia The subject of this
phobia could be a grist object something physically
present at the time of your juice use a person
a creature or the juice itself Out of nowhere
Sonny reappears and says give him hell kid Just
like real jump scare like pow! And now afraid
of Sonny. And then he disappears again. Goes
invisible again. It's like the one nice thing
he thought he was doing. This is the nicest he's
been to anyone. Incredible. Okay, Tank, you have
gained a phobia of Sonny Kong. Man, this is gonna
really suck with your Sonny Kong poster in your
room. No! No! You're dragging yourself home with
it and then you open the door with, ah! Woo!
All right, UFO gathers you all. She looks so
cool. She's really hoping that her charisma and
sort of like stony silences and the need to impress
her will carry you guys. So she doesn't say anything.
She just kind of looks at you all. Then she goes.
Get them and we're running. We're back on the
field. All right looks like they're coming out
of the locker room I'm on to Mike um I did actually
get the other telescope out some kind of hoping
I have somebody in the crowd who's got a mirror
and so I'm kind of hoping they'll give me a new
angle because if I look at the mirror with the
telescope I can see the back half of the field
which I couldn't really do before. I'm on to
Mike I love commentating games. They keep letting
me do it. I don't know So PJ You remember the
intense look in UFO's eye. What would you like
to do? Wait a second. Let's set the stage a little
bit. How does the second half start? Do we just
go back to the positions where we were? I think
so, yeah! It's like reassembling a school play
where I was like, and your foot was here, and
I was standing here. Sunny never let go of the
tick -tock. It was always in his tail. The entire
time. Even in the shower. Eat it in the shower!
We just resumed, just back into the action. Here
we go. PJ, what do you want to do? Well, PJ was
already back towards the other team's side. So
I think PJ wants to go after the goalie. This
is all city. You see, like, peppy looking girl,
long braids. She looks tough. She looks rowdy.
She's got that rangy, experienced tickball player
look. She's guarding her post. Like, everybody
else is down at the end where, you know, where
the battle's happening. Not her. She's sitting.
She's guarding. What do you want to do? PJ's
going to, like, saunter up to her, like, kind
of confidently, like... that like lean forward
like aggressive kind of like no no no you do
the warp to a hair flip with the emo boy like
yeah absolutely as i'm like approaching it i
do that like i think a little bit aggressive
leaning into it a little bit like i want to pick
a fight it's obvious so as i close in i'm gonna
break into a run a little bit and try to like
get a tackle in do you want to call this playbook
stunt or clobber i think i'm going for like an
actual tackle so i'll go for playbook okay why
not I got a six. I hate you all. You're rolling
too good. Amazing. This is a textbook tackle.
What's it look like? PJ's still trying to play
it cool because, you know, he's trying to get
more of the spot like that from Tank. So he does
like a cool slide tackle in and then like rolls
on top of the person as they fall and like starts
like getting into a grapple with them and trying
to hit them nice okay this is just a clean smooth
judo takedown this is the most tick ball you've
played in months like actual game mechanics um
you get her that is tick one so has this happened
beautiful slide tackle god that's a thing of
beauty i remember when i was young and my limbs
entwined with those that i loved it's amazing
to think about the fibers of youth i'm leaning
forward i'm picking up my mic and And we realized
that Monja Mike was on a lawn chair on top of
his radio tower and he just fully fell off. For
the next few seconds, the air is filled with
radio static and clanking and feedback. Everyone's
going to take a minus one on the next two actions.
He's fine. He had a bungee cord on, but you know,
this is what happens when you reminisce, you
know, nostalgia is dangerous. DJ, where would
you like to send the action? I want to see what
Sonny's up to. So, still invisible. Sunny is
gonna try to get into, he's gonna try to get
into divorce guy's head a little bit. He's invisible,
and he's gonna come up behind him with a grab,
but he isn't gonna be aggressive. He's gonna
be menacing, and he's gonna say, I know what
you're up to. What's going on with the divorces?
What is it? It's like long monkey fingers just
digging into his shoulders from behind. Gross.
What would you like to roll here? Mindfreak.
Why not? Why not hit him with a mindfreak? Freak
his mind. Freak that mind. One! He's unflappable.
Okay, so unless you resist... Two things are
going to happen. One, the clock is going to advance
for the bad guys. Two, you're going to get divorced.
I will resist. Which one? You can resist both
if you want, but each time you're risking taking
a lot of stress. I'll resist the divorce. OK.
So we're going to take two on they win, actually.
And you whispered in his ear you felt pretty
good about it. And then he turns to you with.
You know when you're yelling at your fucking
stepdad, and he just is like a brick fucking
wall, and you're like, and I'm nine years old,
and this dude's wearing wraparound shades, and
just nothing I say is landing. He hits you with
that impassive stepdad stare. An invisible, a
sheen of invisible tear comes out of Sonny Kong's
eye. All you can see is the tear, nothing else.
Oh my god, a silver tear! What's happening down
there? And a small, almost inaudible, oh! You
feel your relationship crumbling, somehow. I
don't know, you resisted the divorce for now,
but it still looms over you, inexorable. They
have... Do they have the ball now? I'm still
invisible. They can't target me if I'm invisible.
Well, I'm gonna say on the two... Wait, you're
right, they can't. You know, normally I would
have taken it from you, but you're... You have
to come out on your turn, okay? You can't just
be like, I'm invisible for the rest of my life.
You're also entirely on this man's body. Yes,
okay. The tick ball's on my tail, so it's the
furthest away it could be. You're visible, dude,
you're visible. Fine, fine. Okay, you pop back
in, your silver tears splatting to the ground.
On the tick two, divorce guy just reaches over
with his meaty stepdad hand and just, Plucks
it from your tail. Remember the tip of spiky
tip all sucks to touch. He just bodies it He
just fully palms it no technique. No finesse.
He just goes for it holding eye contact You assume
it's through wrap around shades Sunny falls to
his knees Sunny where would you like to send
the action? I'm sending it to I'm sending it
to tank. All right Tank is, uh, he's still by
Tara Megasward. Yes. He's gonna lean down. He's
gonna whisper in her ear. You think you're the
new face of tickball? Well, there's an even newer
face in town. You know, I'm gonna take her and
I'm gonna try to throw her outside the ropes.
Woo! Yes! What do you wanna roll? I wanna roll
my special ability. beef fuck yeah get it what
are we doing roll that beef um so i rolled a
six on the last one so that means i get a plus
one and i also you do get a minus one from monja
mike falling out of his tower um but i am going
to also i'll use a boost So I'm going to take
another hit of the juice. How many special moves
can I use in a... I'm going to say one, because
otherwise you just chain everything all the time,
right? Does boost like pound as a special move?
Yes. Okay. I guess misdirect is a special move
that I already used. Yes. I kind of used passively?
I don't know. I don't know how that works. It's
almost like I gave you guys too many special
moves. It's all collapsing around me. I'm firing
my legal team. They failed me for the last time.
Okay. So that's three, right? If I use the juice...
Minus one plus one and I have two. Yes. Yeah
three fives Wow Stupid stupid game who invented
this? So take one improve yourself for this.
Okay. The consequence is Terra Megazord will
use her special move unless you resist Okay,
what am I resisting now? This is a funk resist
Broken fucking dice! Who brought these dice?
No stress! So, you do... Okay, so, take, take,
lift her up above, above his head. Crowd screaming,
wow! And he, like, spins around and around and
around, and then just chucks her, like, over...
Over the, uh, the ropes. Her slim body flying
through the air. However, in midair, you see
her eyes narrow with determination. Her hair
does the ghibli lift again. And she says, blue
eyes, white dragon! Oh, god. No! My blue eyes!
Massive spirit creature erupts from the earth.
Devastating roar. Her body is fully outside the
ring. However, her spirit creature is still in
and the officials are all saying that counts.
That actually counts. It all counts. It's actually
all good. Now, everyone's going to take minus
one as long as this thing is on the field. Minus
two. With Monja Mike going. Where would you like
to send the action? We're going to send it to
Demon Garth. I'm gonna try to fight the dragon.
Demon grudge is what boils. You see another spectral
evil creature like yourself. What do you do?
This town ain't big enough for the two of us
and I'm gonna just completely charge the dragon.
I don't even know if it's like ethereal or corporeal.
I don't even know if I can grab onto it, but
goddamn I'm gonna try. I don't know what this
is. Well, are you trying to physically fight?
Yes, I'm trying to physically fight this thing.
Okay, I'm going to say that is clobber or wreck,
but you are going to take a negative two because
you are physical and this thing is spiritual.
Probably disadvantage on this roll. Yeah, that's
fine. I'm going to try to wreck it. And you said,
wait a sec, minus two plus another minus two?
Yeah, it's a bad move. Okay. Still. I mean, gotta
play in the character. I'm not gonna not do this.
It's on a giant dragon. Sprinting, sprinting,
sprinting. Feet on the pitch. And that's a two.
That's a two. Okay, two consequences. One, tick
two on they win. Other one, divorce. See, I've
been dying to see what this divorce is all about.
But I think they'll win, right? No? They'll be
just as close as us. Well, I am gonna resist
them moving the ball any further, but I want
to see the divorce. We've been building up to
this. Edgar, who very pointedly said he's not
married. And will never be married. Divorce is
a spectator sport, as we know. Sonny Kong. The
stepdad is among you. He's beside you. He looks
down at you. Puts a hand on your shoulders. You
know Carol, your mom? Uh -huh. Well, we're getting
a divorce. You are blasted backwards. Half of
your stress track fills instantly and half of
your boost track fills instantly. Oh my gosh.
As we know, a divorce takes all your resources.
It takes your peace of mind. I've never been
divorced, but I assume. Are we rounding up or
down? Up. Why not? Thanks. Can I use a special
move? Fuck you, yes. Mastermind. Once per game,
I can expend my special armor to protect a teammate
from a consequence. I hate you so much. Wow,
I pulled my ultimate move. What does it look
like when you intercept this divorce? PJ Fox
unloves his special move, which is just a couch.
Sorry, continue. You intercept the divorce. In
the meantime, what the fuck's going on with me?
I'm trying to fight a dragon! You launch yourself
in pro wrestling, they call this a spear, where
you just sort of like bodily hurl yourself at
someone. You pass through intangibly. This thing
is a spirit creature and you are a physical man.
I'm still 100 % swinging at this thing. Incredible.
Okay, so as PJ is fighting the goalie and he
looks over at Sonny and sees that the divorced
guy's hand is on Sonny's shoulder. The scene
goes into slow motion. PJ breaks off into a sprint
running towards Sonny and he's running forward.
His arms stretched out and he yells, Sonny, you're
an orphan. You were born in a lab. Step that
sunglasses shatter! A crack! Hey guys, this is
a sports game. Sonny, you remember that you were
an orphan who was born in a lab. Sonny, like,
his long spindly monkey fingers wipe the tears
from his eyes. He looks at divorce guy with sudden
and intense rage. He has never felt this pain
before. Wow, you had a mom for those few seconds
when she was getting divorced. Tickball's a dangerous
game, man. You know, people often talk about
how physically strenuous tickball is, but no
one is talking about the mental strain tickball
takes on his players. The emotional trauma that
tickball players endure. What about those emotional
concussions? Yeah, exactly. Exactly. Is there
a different song for emotional concussions? There
is. And Tank tried to sing it to Shahadi. Didn't
quite work. Didn't quite work. So he retired
it. Amazing. PJ, was that your whole turn? That
wasn't PJ's turn. That was my turn. Oh, it was
an intercept. You're right. Yeah, it's going
to Sonny. All right, Sonny, you remember you
were born in a lab. What do you do? Sonny. after
having looked with such sudden and deep hurt
after having a mother and then getting a divorce
and then no longer having a mother but he does
have someone and he looks up into the audience
and he sees her his lady long blonde hair with
a shirt a crudely made t -shirt with Sonny's
face and the blazon on it And she says, I'm cheering
for you. May I do a flashback? Please. Please!
Sunny remembers a time when he was younger. He
had long hair. He was wearing a band t -shirt.
What is the band? The Flaming Scabs. We flashback
to the band. So far off the route. They're just
a bunch of burn victims. And he had just been
kicked out of his house by the mad scientist
that had created him. Damn. When he saw her across
the bar, she smiled at him. He smiled back. Important
note, this is a cardboard cutout. This is like
a beer ad. This is like a cardboard standee that's
like holding a ticket to something. And he knew.
I knew that she was the one. And then there's
quick progression of their relationship. Sonny
and this cardboard woman in a paddle boat, one
of those pedal goose boats. Sonny at the altar
with BJ Fuck as his best man. And this cardboard
cat at the hospital at the makeshift hospital
being born is his half cardboard half green monkey
son And suddenly Sunny feels emboldened by love
may I make a dazzle roll I would love for you
to make Six Oh! With minus two. One of them is
six. What happens next? Whatever you do to this
stepdad ends the game. What happens? So, Sonny,
who's usually like a bright Beast Boy green,
he turns pink and he walks over and he takes
the ball in his hand the same way that Divorce
Guy did. and the pink from Sunny and the little
electrodes in his head start crackling and fizzling
and all of that pink goes into Divorce Guy and
he like Thanos snap like fucking... The grand
specter of divorce is forever defeated! Marriage
is monogamous now! We did it! If there was a
if there was a kiss cam it would be good That
beautiful moment, the music swelling, the love
transforming the universe, that's what's in Sonny's
mind. What actually happens is you reach over
and just rip his face off. Like just a full clean
tear. Like a fucking monkey hand. Just ripping
his face. And the pyrotechnics go off and the
sirens go off. You are covered in blood every
every single one of you drenched sopping covered
in juice I run over and I rip your pants Give
you a wedgie punch with a foot hand rip with
my tail and wedgie with the tail Now you bring
it home. And the camera pulls out. We're rioting.
We're turning shit over. We're screaming. People
are fucking. Love is saved. We did it. And that
is a tick -ball game. Just a typical tick -ball
game. Just a typical tick -ball game. They're
all like that. No big deal. That's why they're
so popular. Just to verify, Sonny killed a man
and... Fireworks went off and the game was over.
No one scored. No one scored. No one scored even
once. Wow. Sunny had a whole emotional arc. It
freeze frames and there's a little like subtitle
under each character that says where they went
off to. Yes, let's do that. Demon Garth, what's
your freeze frame and your epilogue? Demon Garth
would play tickball for another seven years,
until both of his legs were ripped off by someone
even more demonic than him. He would then try
to become a Supreme Court Justice on our cellos.
He would not succeed. Nice. PJ Fok? PJ Fok continued
his tickball career for the rest of his days.
He never left the Fresco Fuzz. Wow. Sonny Kong
died at the ripe old age of 174. Damn. He survived
by his half monkey half cardboard son. It truly
writes itself. It truly writes itself. For your
information, the first character introduced in
our world is a man named Chops and he's paper
thin. And he turns to the side and he disappears.
and writes it down. For the record, I did not
know that. I'm telling you, it writes it down.
And that concludes our guest episode of Trash
Planet featuring Chance Kilgore. Chance, did
that go pretty much exactly as you planned it?
100%. Yeah, every time. I pretty much guessed
the whole thing. He lines them up, he puts them
down. What can I tell you? Consummate professional.
Chance, if the people want more Chance Kilgore,
where can they go for Chance Kilmore? Yeah, please
don't say that. So if you want to friend me on
Facebook, you could do that. You could also find
me at puppet shows around the city of Cincinnati.
Yeah, you think he's kidding. He's not. He's
a master puppeteer, and he kicks fucking ass.
You should come see a puppet show. Hell yeah.
Chance, what would you say is your favorite piece
of trash? If you could eat trash, what would?
What kind of trash would you eat? Oh like probably
like like half -eaten lo mein in a like a like
styrofoam container. Like a big crunchy bite
of the whole box. Oh yeah. That's what I'm talking
about. And isn't that just the spirit of Trash
Planet? Trash Planet is a hypergallant production
edited by Nehar and game mastered by Rabbit Sullivan.
Music is by The Trim, The Serps, Crime of Passing,
Perverts Again, Matthew J. Rollin, and Rabbit
Zolomon. That's me. Trash Planet is powered by
A -State Second Edition by Morgan Davey, Malcolm
Craig, and Gregor Hutton. Check out our website
at hypergallant .com and find us on all socials
at hypergallant. If you liked our show, leave
us a review. We love hearing your feedback. Sláinte,
baby. I just flung my Play -Doh, hold on. We
did it, okay.