Trash Planet contains themes of desperation and
poverty. We portray a comedic, absurd, and violent
world. For a full list of content warnings, please
see the episode description. We see the VIPs
arriving. The VIPs are filing into their table.
We see a cloud of security officers. These are
John Wick looking types, like these are suits,
very slick, very like these are the people that
rich people want to be guarded by. And we see
a man, probably middle aged, looks pretty bad
all things considered. He's got a thinning brown
mullet. He's got like a rumpled button down.
He's got cowboy boots. He has this crazy vape,
which appears to be like three different unrelated
objects. stuck together. We see a guy who is
in like big cartoony crocodile dundee survivor
gear and the night is underway. So what are you
guys up to? I would like to spend a flashback
to build this fake jailbird, which I know is
going to be expensive. I think I'm going to have
the least amount of stress. So what does it look
like? What do you do? I'm gonna take Vinny Vertabeast
from The Screaming Slice. He kind of scares the
kids and people anyway. Tank is really sad. He's
looking for Lauren out the upstairs window, and...
Goodbye, sweet prince. It's okay, buddy. It's
for the greater good. I just... I couldn't say
goodbye. You could say goodbye to him now. No,
it's too late. So I scrounge him for pieces.
as well as like things around the screaming slice
in the food court and maybe even some excursion
like when I went on my excursion with Connie
I probably picked up some things too so the idea
is that I am making this giant animatronic well
I guess it's to scale animatronic jailbird that
needs to look realistic from a distance and also
needs to somewhat move because it needs to look
like it's alive so I also will build a cage around
it that will then act almost like a puppet system
in case the mechanics break in some way. And
you have accidentally given us someone known
to be good with puppets. Unbeknownst to you,
you played right into our trap. The grim specter
of non -binary puppeteers. Almost like Wilbert
Singer and I were family friends. It was really
a Hail Mary. I'm hoping that you would give us
a puppeteer at NBC, but it worked. So yeah, and
it took me, like I stayed up all night building
this thing and putting all the pieces together
and using my memory as best as I could, because
I drew a picture for everybody so that they knew
what a jailbird looked like. But I'm not the
best writing artist. I'm a performance artist.
So it was crude. It tracks. It was a crew drawing,
a la Tank's crew drawings. But I finally finish
in the wee hours of the morning, and Inla wipes
off her brow and looks at her team and says,
what do you all think? Should we roll see how
good it is? OK. This is Tinker, right? Got to
be. Oh, shit. Yeah. OK. Well, remember, you can
push yourself. You can take assistance. You can
accept a devil's bargain. I also can. I'm a daredevil,
so there's that too. But that's a desperate action
I don't have. Yeah. well actually i think that
this is a desperate action because like the risk
here is if this jailbird looks bad y 'all are
in trouble i um i'm gonna assist with foresight
uh i can do that without stress Oh shit. And
narratively, I'm good at like weaving and sewing
and all of that so I can put together cloth for
the exterior. So Enla's doing the bones and the
pneumatic mechanisms and you're doing like the
exterior, like making all the feathers drape
and stuff. Yeah. I think that's perfect because
Enla would not be good at that part. That would
help sell it for sure. I think we're going to
call this a desperate standard roll unless you
want to punch it. up or down and you said it's
a tinker right yes so you are going to mark xp
on this so in tinker i have i don't have anything
but i have daredevil which was you take additional
1d when rolling desperate action if you also
take negative 1d resistance against consequences
from the roll okay and then i'm have help so
how many dice do i roll Okay, so it would have
been a roll to take the lower. Right. It goes
to neutral because of your stat and then because
of yours. That's plus one. That's plus one. Right.
Okay. I'm gonna try that. A five. Five. Hell
yeah. Okay. Yes. We're in the game. We're in
the game. So team, what do you think? I think
it looks fantastic. The idea to use like a rusted
metal thing for the beak. It's inspired. Thank
you. I came up with that at like 2 a .m. Yeah,
if I stand far away and squint my eyes, it looks
just like that picture you drew. Damn. And look,
you can make the mouth move, right? Oh, of course.
I have like a little pulley at the bottom. I
can do it mechanically, but I don't have power
connected to it. We need that generator in here,
but I'll just like, there it goes. Hey, I'm Vinnie
the Vertabees. Look at what they've done to my
boy. The jailbird and my boy. My original boy.
It's Vinny the jailbird. Oh, just as a side story
note, Inlet took all the little objects that
were representative of each person and took them
back. So she has those. She didn't include them
as part of the jailbird. okay all right so the
jailbird looks pretty good like i think that
this is a big flapping thing in a cage and so
visually that turns out to be a nice combo where
it's like yeah it's moving it's crazy to look
at and it's in a cage like there's some layers
of abstraction going on here so especially from
a distance you're like okay yeah this is believable
however you are going to have one consequence
here which is unless you're going to resist uh
vulpertinger is going to try to steal some stuff
because they have expensive stuff here and this
is how they roll. I'm going to try to resist
that. Okay. Additionally, do I need to roll for
stress for the flashback? Yes. I'm going to call
that a two and then you're going to roll resistance
maybe. Okay. Okay. So you're taking two just
from doing the flashback and then we're going
to find out about resisting. Yeah. You have a
minus one. Yeah, you have minus one D because
of Daredevil. Yep, minus one. So it would be
an insight resist, whatever that was, and then
minus one. So just one. It's a one. Oh, brutal.
How are you doing? Well, OK, so what is that?
Five stress. Five stress. Yeah, I'm two away.
Oh, you can also share stress with someone you
trust. I do trust a lot of you Yeah, like I had
the least to start with so I think I'll just
I'll take it all okay You had your sleepless
night. You worked real fucking hard We see that
beautiful shot where like the camera is mounted
up high and then it's still and endless Just
like it fast forwards over an entire night where
endless like zipping around moving things assembling
things picking things up putting them down You
know very very fast and then when the morning
comes you just lie back on the ground the screaming
slice exhausted your beautiful jailbird rattling
and shaking in its cage looks good great job
so hell yeah i'm gonna i'm gonna beef up this
presentation a little bit i'm gonna spend another
load for my uh tape recorder because i have those
and i think i made a like a jailbird call so
like before it physically shows up on the scene
for these guests to see you can hear it You can
hear it's distressed, squawks. Incredible. What
does that sound like? You want me to do a bird
call? What? I imagine it sounds almost like a
metal on metal sort of grind. Mixed with a bird
call. Like that's kind of the energy. It's like
a croaking kind of like, you know? And they're
big, so it's booming, right? Okay. Cool. Is this
a real one you recorded, or was it you yelling
into a microphone to simulate this? I love the
idea that we all worked on the Foley design of
this. I'm like, OK, so it sounds kind of like
this. And I'm taking metal pieces and grabbing
them together. Yeah. Yeah. I think that's how
it is. The tanks in the background making wind
noises. So Enla, where is the jailbird in the
cage right now? I think it's like behind the
staging area at the moment because again we want
to like set it all up before we actually bring
it out and we the idea is that we don't want
it to be out for too long because the longer
it's out the more it's possible that people will
notice it's not real so it's kind of kind of
tucked away you can it can maybe maybe they can
see something moving but they can't see like
details of it right now makes sense okay uh who
would like to go well we still need to get the
meat so i'm gonna use a flashback to hunt a uh
funk foot i think you mean a greater funk leg
funk leg sorry you consult your encyclopedia
you'll find the greater funk leg in beautiful
bold print you know you're right you're right
i checked my extensive Encyclopedia collection
and it was there. It was right there right between
duck and eel Okay, what does this look like so
the tank is gonna be waiting in the juicy waters
of their their natural habitat the kind of like
fishermen So it's gonna be a little bit like
catching a catfish where like you have to reach
down in a hole, right? And like pull them out
by like sticking your hand in their mouth. Are
you noodling? You're noodling? Yeah, I'm noodling
for Funklex. Oh, I'm so happy right now. My boy's
noodling for Funklex. Yeah. Have you done this
before or is this a first time? No, this is for
sure Tank's first time. Did you take anyone with
you or you were just like whatever I'll figure
it out Um, I think he probably asked around to
see if if anyone has done this before Yeah, who
of tanks contacts would be there? Can we have
a montage of you asking people to like bro you've
renewed for Funkalife? Yeah, yeah. Yeah. Yeah.
So who do you talk to? I'll talk to Enla. I didn't
know if you meant Enla or Grever. It could be
both. Enla and Grever are playing patty -cake
in the corner of the screen. It's like, cake
-a, cake -a, cake -a. I'll ask Enla, and I'll
ask Yanouche. All right. Yanouche, you find in
the kitchen doing nighttime stuff, chopping up
big old mushrooms. I was like, bro, that's disgusting.
I mean, it's like fine, but they nibble on your
fingies? Yeah, yeah. From what I understand,
you kind of just like reach in and they like...
kind of latch onto your hand and you just pull
it out. Did it sound natural when I said bro?
I don't do that too often. Actually it did. I
didn't even notice it. That's amazing. Yeah.
We're really boys. We are boys. That's great.
Cut from you to Sharon. Who else do you ask?
I'll ask Enla. Nice. Hey Enla, we need some meat
and I was thinking maybe we could get like a
greater funk leg or a lesser funk leg. But like,
I don't really know how to noodle. Oh yeah, yeah.
It's an interesting, there's a lot of heated
debate between whether or not to wear gloves.
Some people think that, you know, the idea of
wearing gloves actually limits your ability to
be able to like feel, you know, the funk leg.
But personally, I like to keep my fingers. So
I like to use gloves. You know, I didn't meet
this one funk leg noodler. Oh my God, he was
missing almost all his fingers, but. Damn, he
could catch them every fucking time. We cut to
Tank talking to that guy. Nihar, you're that
guy. I figured. Yeah, so I hear you're the guy.
The guy who noodles for funk legs. He took a
big drag from the cigarette. Yeah, yeah, I'm
the guy. So when and where, buddy? Preferably
as soon as possible and where is wherever Funk
legs are found I'm pretty new at this so Any
guidance would be much appreciated. I can tell
We call you all green fingers not because your
fingers are green, but you have all of your fingers
I mean, do we need more? We smash cut to this
fingerless man and tank. The fingerless man is
not wearing waders. The fingerless man is just
in juice and there's like smoke coming off his
body. It's like so corrosive. You're just standing
around in a low point basin. The fingerless man
is doing it with his toes now. The trick to surviving
in the juice like this is you gotta grease yourself
up. Motor oil works best, actually. Yeah, I just
have a ton of motor oil laying around. If you're
serious about noodling, you gotta have motor
oil laying around. He like grabs three while
he's talking. Does he have a name? I think we're
calling him the fingerless man. The fingerless
man. The fingerless man. So Tank, you are in
your waiters. You're with your new buddy. Oiled
up. Oiled up. Isn't really working. Take a juice
card. We're gonna see how this goes. Second of
fade, carousel. Oh, this is probably not a great
one. Oh, wait, hold on. Verbs are whirling, churning,
faltering. The grist, magnet, crab trap, americum,
americium, sorry. Can opener, and crane game.
We have magnet, crab trap, and crane game. I
think you're getting yourself some funk legs.
I think we're getting some funk legs. How does
this deck work so well? I don't know about you
guys. It's the best deck. I'm telling you. OK.
Amazing. OK, so you're going to take a plus one
on your roll for whatever you're going to roll
to get funk legs. And you could acquire a juice
burn here, which would be funny. Which would
be funny. Yeah. All right. What am I rolling
here? I would accept find scrounge. What about
touch? Yeah, there is an argument to be made
for touch, isn't there? Yeah, I think it's kind
of like a dextrous, like I'm not, he's taken
me to the place where there are funk legs. Now
I gotta grab him. Yeah, okay. All right. Give
me that touch roll and a plus one for your juice.
That is a five. Okay, we see Tank nailing funk
leg after funk leg. You're not even noodling,
you're just like punching the wall. Spear fishing
with my bare hands. What does this guy think?
Damn, son. You've got quite the technique there.
Oh, thank you. Would you say you're proud of
me? You look like a man who probably expresses
lots of emotions. He puts a hand on your shoulder
and it's like, son, tank, this is the best I've
seen anyone do it. This is their first time.
I am proud of you. Thank you, fingerless man.
Oh yeah, he puts a stump on your shoulder. Tank,
the meat dimension briefly opens up. The big
slab of meat looks down at you and is like, Dude,
that's huge! Congrats! Oh, thank you! Thank you!
Thank you, meat! And you're gonna get meat out
of this! This is crazy, man! I know! It's really
unlocking a lot of new things for me. The meat,
man! You just gotta follow the meat! Wait, wait!
Before I dissolve out of the meat dimension,
what should I call you? Oh, meat deity! And we
pause to think of a good pun between us as a
group. Just L beef? I don't know. Beef. Boyant?
Beef. The chunk? The beef boy. The chunk. The
chunk. I kind of like the chunk. The slab. The
slab. Holy shit. The chuck. Chuck. Chuck. I got
a great one. Okay. What do we call you? Chuck.
I also go by Sir Lloyd. His name is Chuck Lloyd.
I love it. So we cut into from what do I call
you? Call me Chuck, son. Chuck! like flings back
out of the meat dimension. It's like, and it
doesn't even matter that you betrayed your friend!
No! I forgot about that! It will wreck me with
guilt! Alright, Smash Cut, back to the present
day. You are looking down at some beautiful funk
leg meat. Is this prepared in any way, or how
have you dealt with your funk legs? It's probably
cut, right? Like, it's cut into shape, but...
Yeah, yeah, I'm picturing like filet cuts of
just like fatty, ducky, eel -y meat. Nice, nice.
Yeah, because we want it to look like butchered
but not prepared, right? Yeah, yeah. I think
that's probably something y 'all are good at,
you know? Okay, did you take stress yet for that
flashback? No. Okay, how do we feel about like
a two? So where are you at on stress? I'm at
five. Out of how many? Out of nine. Okay, yeah,
all right, two, yeah, yeah. You look down from
the funk leg to your friend Connie, who's rushing
around getting the tape recorder ready, and you
remember that, I don't know, you remember the
thing that you've done recently. Hey, Connie?
No, never mind. Good, I was too busy anyway.
Wait, wait, wait. What? I really gotta get something
off my chest. Isn't that really the best time?
yeah i kind of just had a whole like spiritual
journey trying to get this this meat and okay
so in this moment before uh tank is about to
to confess to connie uh uh meat angel and meat
demon pops up on his shoulders which one of us
dances under which name It's only funny when
I do it No tank listen you need to talk to Connie
about stealing meat I Know it was wrong. I deprived
him. It's the worst crime. You could commit stealing
me from another person I know I deprived him
from that experience counterpoint counterpoint
It looks like a little drumstick with like devil
horns and a tail counterpoint The holiest thing
you can do is be eating meat dude, and you did
do that so that's like actually fine that is
true but you've deprived another person of such
holiness that is true and he's kind of in like
a religious crisis right now yeah but like is
that your problem because you're in like a you're
a religious like icon dude like i think you might
be a priest or something you're right i might
be a priest yeah i think you i don't know maybe
you're like the chosen one oh that's cool yeah
right yeah like i i always wanted to be a chosen
one yeah i mean this would be the perfect time
to get him on board but there's no meat left
dude you should convert connie with what means
this is why you don't steal other people's meat.
Well, technically I didn't steal it. I just partook.
Right? You didn't even do anything wrong. And
so it'll be like super easy to get Connie in
your cult. I mean, religion. That'll be good.
To me, it wasn't even for Connie. Yeah, right.
See, now you're making my point. I think I think
me and the angel. No, no, no, no. We're not.
It wasn't even for Connie. It was for Halbert.
Yeah, right. So it's like you you fucked over
Halbert, not Connie, which is better because
she's not here right now. So she doesn't know.
But like I. I don't know, it still feels bad
lying to my friend. But you know what would make
you feel better? Big slab of meat. You know what
would make you feel even better than that, Tank?
Sharing that meat with someone. You're right,
you're right. Just like you did with Janouge!
Bitch! I'm winning this thing! I'm winning this
thing! They pop out of existence. Yup. And so...
Connie, I... I do have something to tell you.
And at that moment, your consequence happens
because you roll a five, successful, but still
one consequence. Oh, the consequence is you see
a lovely young lady in a sparkly dress. When
she walks, it makes spring sounds like, you know,
when you like drop a slinky or whatever, like
her dress is doing that, which is cool. Um, she's
like, hello. Oh my goodness. I was just so excited
to see the jail. But, um, I know they said to
sit quietly, but there's a ceremony, isn't it?
I'm just so happy. Hello. It's very good to meet
you. Um, Would you mind if I took a look? What's
your name? I've never spoken to a local before.
My goodness. Yeah, I'm Tank. Oh my god. Wow,
it's a noun and everything. That's so cool. Wow.
I mean, well, technically aren't all names nouns?
That's a really good point. Yeah. I really can't
argue with that at all. I'm Linda. Hello. I'm
Lynn Linda. I'm just here for the chef's table
experience, of course. So you must be one of
the chefs. Well, I'm part of the consulting team
that's consulting on the jailbird ceremony. Wow,
so you're like a businessman. I wouldn't go that
far. The visor descending. So your consequence
is she is going to be extremely interested in
every level of the meat preparation that Jailbird
itself, she's going to be hanging around unless
you get her out of here. You could roll to resist
right now or you could let it happen. I'm going
to let this happen. Okay. For now. All right.
Until we figure out some way to shake her. Linlinda.
Linlinda. Linlinda. Another classic rabbit name
Who would like to go next? I'm gonna try and
Destress Shreetha. I'm gonna try and make this
thing go very well somehow There's a there's
a really cool thing that like Michelin star restaurants
do where like, you know If they notice you being
left -handed, they'll start serving you your
silverware on the you know Left -handedly and
little things like that since we have the guest
list I think I'm going to really quick pull aside
the servers and give them the big lowdown on
what I know about some of these guests, which
you're going to have to tell me what that is.
But to try and make their service better. Yeah.
Would you like to spend a flashback on gathering
information or how would you like to have gotten
this info? Yeah, I think this would be stuff
we already knew from the info gather. I'm now
using that information to better the service
that is happening. Okay. What is the final effect
here? Like, the effect is to reduce Shreetha's
stress level, right? But how are you going to
do that? Like, is this command, like you're instructing
people how to run these tables? I'm going to
do the thing of keeping a very close eye on the
guests, you know, making sure that glasses aren't
empty, that... They're tended to like, as soon
as someone takes a coat off, before it even touches
another surface, it's in a server's hands, things
like that. I mean, I would like to use examine
to just keep a very, very close eye on all of
the guests. So you notice that that guy who's
kind of rumpled looking, he has that crazy vape.
You're noticing as you're like rushing around
looking at stuff that... You think it broke because
he was really honking on it and then he starts
holding it out being like man And you know takes
it apart looks down a barrel like jamming it
back in it like so something's going on with
that You know you could help out there Okay,
it's a vape right not a mask. Yeah. Okay. Yeah
looks like e -cigarette. It's weird It looks
like old but good technology, you know, kind
of like Lottie's mask how it's a big strong backpack
You're kind of surprised to see it at this level
of table, you know? Yeah. I think I'll approach
this gentleman, this rumpled man, and I'll just
say something like, Hello, I'm very sorry to
disturb you. I just noticed you were having some
trouble with your, with your vape. Yeah, fucking
thing. You know how to fix these? I'm certain
I could try. Great. Just hands it to you. Do
I, from this interaction, recognize who this
person is? Would you? I mean, do you know who
this is? Okay, you guys might not know. I mean,
I don't know. There's rich people on Helica.
You might have run into them. You might not,
you know? See, I would leave it to a fortune
roll, right? Like, I think there's no chance
Enla would know, because why would she, you know?
I don't know, maybe Tank? I think Tank would
probably... Yeah, I would accept that, yeah.
Recognize, like, the marketed version of him,
at least. Okay, yeah. Connie, give me a fortune
roll to see if you know who this is. That's a
four. Okay. That's a success, right? It's a fortune
roll. I guess it depends on how you did the fortune.
Is it top half good? Top half, which is why I'm
always annoyed about threes. You can also do
evens and odds, I guess. Okay. Yeah, that's true.
Well, either way, got it. So hand you this vape
and immediately you notice his hands are like
tapping like he's something. And you pretty sure
you know this guy. You think this is... a Dort.
There's Dort and Sons Tractor Supply and Small
Arms, which is exactly what it sounds like. They
were a real powerhouse for a minute there here
on Helica. So that kind of takes you back for
a second like, oh, like he is local. He's just
super rich. So yeah, you know who this is. This
is Trent Dort. Okay. I think knowing who he is...
he is he's a scary presence i would say right
like uh i think when approaching him i didn't
quite realize who this was but then now that
i have his vape in my hand i'm like oh god you
gotta hold a man's vape yeah this this is a uh
a scary arms dealer man because i i'm not very
good at repairing but i can try to Help them
out some other way. You also have you have Robins
you could call on for this Yeah, so this is something
that somebody could help you with not necessarily
a PC, you know, true I think fixing the vape
is straightforwardly a tinker roll, but if there's
something else you want to do here Yeah, like
I think I would like to get some of the Robins
help Maybe use some of the scrap that that we've
gathered. I'm gonna call on one of the non -vulpler
tinger And this was your fatal mistake, because
you walk up to the pile of sweaters person and
they go, hello, I am Zelenogorsk. I just need
help fixing this vape. It's for a VIP. Yes. Yes.
I'm sure you've dealt with this before. Well,
so many times. Both, you know. Good. Do you have
the parts? Like the parts to fix this this particular
instrument and I'm like holding it in multiple
pieces in my hand. Beautiful. Beautiful machinery.
This is like a classic, like, you know, roving
type of person who's on their own time. But yeah,
you work with this person, Zelina Gorsk, and
they will give you a plus one on whatever you're
gonna roll here. Okay, I just want them to do
it. Okay, yeah, yeah. All right, so in that case,
I'm gonna roll one, and I will take one from
you, right? Yeah, sure. Yeah, because you guys
are a plus one tier. Like, you're a plus one
tier. And so that means all your friendly NPCs
are plus one at this point. Wow, I never get
to roll here. Okay, so Zalentogorsk, you immediately
like, you take one look at this person, you're
like, oh, geez. Like, I don't want to deal with
this. And Zalentogorsk is like, you know, the
colors of the dress is here. So complex. The
fabrics. You know, you're like, uh -huh, uh -huh.
Um, and as they're talking, they're just like,
like their hands are moving real fast. They're
like, just hands it back to you. Just fixed.
Perfect success. Six. No complications. Okay.
Uh, I'm, I'm going to like quickly with haste
rush back to, uh, Mr. Dort and I hand the vape
back to Trent and I say something like, there
you go. It should be completely fixed and functional.
I haven't tested it myself. I wouldn't dream
of it, but. All right. takes it, honks on it.
It's like, all right. Um, looks back at you.
Wasn't really paying attention to you before,
but he looks back, uh, looks you up and down.
It's like, so you're on the jailbird team, I
assume. Yes. Uh, me and my crew provided the
jailbird itself, as you can see in the thing
in the cage covered by stuff. It's like honking
in the distance. Yeah. Uh, he looks at that.
slowly swivels his head back to you, totally
inscrutable and is like, very impressive. Very
good. I don't mean to pry, but have you hunted
a jailbird before? He looks at you and sharp
smile, like slow smile that hits you real sharp
and you're like, fuck. Where would you like to
send the action? Did that help you at all or?
Oh yeah, yeah, okay, yes. So that helps Sharitha
stress that Trent was happy. Man, that was a
perfect six. I'm gonna take three ticks off.
I think we're framed, like we see the shot of
Sharitha watching this interaction like on pins
and needles like, oh, and then you hand the vape
back and Trent is like visibly happy. So yeah,
cool move. Point of clarification, is Trent Dort
the VIP? You don't know. Okay, okay. He wasn't
on the guest list though, I assume. No, but they
leave a chair open. I think that you guys, it
would be intuitive maybe that he's a local and
he eats here a lot. You know, like he's just
someone that can get slotted in. But yeah, where
would you like to send the action? I'll send
it to Enla. Okay, so Enla is going to be doing
her best with Volpitinger. And now that we also
know the name of Zelina and other unnamed normal
looking rovin. I'm bunk! Bunk? Okay, I'm obsessed
with that, okay. Say my own name like a Pokemon!
Bunk! Okay, bunk! Bunk! Okay, I'm gonna use my
ragtag team of Robins to start making the ceremony.
Yes! So, start like... We gather in a circle
around the quote -unquote jailbird. and we start
kind of like making, like doing throat singing.
I can't do it properly, but like that's the energy,
right? And it's like, and then all the, like
there's the clapping and we have like little
drums, like we're trying to make it very like
ceremonial thing happening. And then Volper Tanger
starts to dance through the group and around
the cage to really sell this concept and this
happening. Then their, uh, Enla has rigged. I'll
use part of my load to have, like, a smoke bomb.
So I have a smoke bomb that goes off. Then we
clouds up the jailbird. And then I've rigged
the jailbird to just, like, fall over. Like,
we've killed it, right? Wait, is someone gonna,
like, hit it with a knife? Enla approaches it
with a knife, right? It has, like, this... raises
the knife to the sky. Describe Knife. What is
Knife like? Knife is really raggedy in true jailbird
fashion. It's like super gnarly, like crazy blade,
and very shiny. Very very shiny like probably
one of the newest things that's ever been seen
on fucking trash planet And she raised it above
her head and all the Robins are looking up at
it. I think they were Yeah, they were throat
singing when you hold up the knife. They all
just start screaming like it's like full screaming
Yeah, and Inla hands the sacred knife over to
the Volper singer because they are the shaman
And Volpertinger then makes a big gesture of
slicing the throat in a very like kosher way,
right? Slicing the throat open. And the bird
has been rigged to fall over. And then the smoke
happens. Dope. Okay. This is the big show, baby.
Argue me, baby. I'm going to give you a minus
one because you have Lynn Linda very close by.
She is hovering. She wants to be involved. She
even tries to get into, like, the dance circle.
She's like, oh my god. Wow. Wow. Can I just?
Hi, Lynn. Hi. Hi. Lynn, right? Yes. Hi, I'm Enla.
This is a very sacred ceremony that only Rovens
can participate in. It's sacred! See, Bulbertinger
is going to be very upset the closer that you
get, and so you need to go back to the table
with the rest of the Eaters, and I'll actually
bring you your own jailbird feather at the end
of this for you to be able to take home with
you. Wow! Okay, unfortunately you can't roll
to get rid of her on this turn. She's just around.
but like that would be a separate engagement
but if you would like to get help if you like
to get group action like you're definitely gonna
get a plus one from your rovens on your role
here um i'm gonna help yes yeah i have i have
foresight so i help without taking stress okay
and then we also get a plus one because the because
the bird looks so good Yes, right? Yeah, because
we had a six for making the bird. Yeah, you nailed
it. Okay, plus one for bird, plus one for rovens,
and then is it plus one from Connie? I think
so. Oh my god. Yeah, oh my god. Are we ready?
But minus one for... Minus one for Linlinda.
Minus one for Linlinda. But then it's whatever
you... What are you rolling for this? I'm gonna
do... I assume this is like a persuade, or like
a charm? I would take charm or persuade, yeah.
Okay, they're both the same for me. Okay, sure.
Anyone else real quick before we go any other
stuff you could devil's bargain you could whatever
I mean, I'm distracting Lynn Linda by basically
by taking the brunt of the conversation myself
Part of the ceremony. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, like
basically no, this is the best viewing experience
actually just come to this side of the incredible
Okay, give me that role A one, a two, and a three.
Holy shit. Gotta be kidding me. So your highest
roll was a three. Uh -huh. Is there anything
I can do? Well, I'm going to tell you consequences,
and then you could choose to resist them. OK.
So big, big old consequence. I think when you
hit the button to kill the jailbird. you kind
of just hit the power switch and it just vibrates
for a second and is visibly an animatronic. I
think that it's very visibly like, oh, my robot
in a cage is noticeably that. So that's going
to be one consequence. Your second consequence
is going to be related to Trent Dort. So yeah.
I'm gonna roll, definitely roll to resist the
animatronic. Yeah, you got it. I don't really
have an option for that. I'm gonna get traumatized
most likely. Resolve for this one. Okay, that's
three. As long as it's not prowess, we're good.
Six holes! There's the four, five, six that we
needed. Oh my god, okay. So you have this horrible
moment where like the ceremony is hitting its
climax and you're about to hit the button and
you notice like one of these wires is cut and
sparking, you know, ah! And so you have to reach
in with your bare fingers and like twist them
together really fast. Engage puppet mode. Engage
puppet mode! Oh my god! You have to engage fucking
puppet mode! Fulbertinger seizes one of the things
and you know you're in the presence of a master
puppeteer. I just look at Wolpertinger with big
eyes. Wolpertinger looks at you with absolute
calm and you're like, I'm in the hands of a professional.
And so that doesn't happen. Ceremony goes off.
The people at the table are just sort of like,
oh. Just a bunch of people just like, okay. You
notice the twink in the sundress is taking a
lot of notes on their pad. You see the older
ladies are like, oh my God. Wow. Cultural. Very
cultural, I assume. So things of his nature.
And then there's also the Trent Dort thing. Yeah,
unless you could let that happen. Yeah, I don't
think I'm gonna resist the Trent Dort thing for
right now. Okay. I don't know what's gonna happen.
But yeah. So Connie, you've been kind of behind
Trent as this whole song and dance is going off.
And he's watching the show sitting back. I think
there's this beautiful handoff where you like
expertly slip in the the meat of the funk leg.
We like go down into a canyon where we have all
the the funk leg to swap out and then come back
up and crest over a hill. Oh my god it's like
force perspective. Wow okay I love to get some
Looney Tunes shit in there you know. So this
is all playing out on the tables chattering people
are in their small groups and Trent Doerr leans
back over over his shoulder um and sort of like
does the kameer gesture to you connie i'm i'm
gonna see what he has to say okay so in the position
you're at like he's not quite turning around
so you have to like lean down to hear from him
and so he's just talking real slow real quiet
um he's like it's amazing how how meaningful
things are to different people like how meaningful
a jailbird is to a roving you know that's beautiful
to see it's very meaningful to these little off
-world kids I think it's cute, so special. You
know, jailbird was pretty meaningful to me, too,
once upon a time. I must have been right around
16 and got it in my head I was gonna hunt a jailbird.
Proper like, like, no machinery, no chicanery.
I'm a kid, I got a long rifle, I'm out on a skimmer.
You're just leaning over, your neck is craning.
You know, I get a shot on him on day three and
just clipped the wing and that thing dived me,
right? The big old fucking claws ripping her
shreds. So, you know, I survived that big fucking
bird. I'm half crazy, I'm bleeding everywhere,
but I was gonna be a man, you know? This is the
bird that makes you man. So I follow her around
for about a week and a half. Finally got that
shot, hoo -wee. Hell of a rush. I've been eating
nothing but gorp for days. Of course. Don't talk.
He's so quiet like he's real quiet So I'm hungry
and when I get her, you know, of course I start
up a fire right there trash fire burn real bright
cook it right over the fire and Damned if it
don't taste like hot shit, right? Damn if it
don't taste like absolute trash cuz it's gamey
and greasy and metallic I ain't had meat in a
week and I still think it's awful. So maybe it's
a fluke Right like maybe maybe I got a bad one.
That's how it was So when I get home, I call
in an Argus shot. Oh, you don't know about that
That's like the bright light from the sky that
goes kaboom, right? You know I pull up a jailbird
on satellite and just clip it right at the neck
like absolutely no chance of any kind of Interference
from the bolts. I'm using you know Big ol light
in the sky and then she's headless and it's just
body out there. I Go pick her up. Take her back
to my chef's Try all kinds of shit. Pickling.
You ever pickled meat? It's a bad idea. And damned
if they didn't all taste like shit, too. And
over the years I tried it a few more times, you
know. I want it to be good. Like, you want it
to be a challenge. You want it to be what makes
you a man. And now I can plug one from three
miles out, or you can do it from orbit, or you
can do it with a little knife if you got a little
imagination. But you get nothing for the effort.
Jailbird don't mean nothing to me. Speaking of
what things are worth... You and I both share
the knowledge that you went and made fools out
of these nice people. That knowledge means very
little to me. It cost me nothing to share. I
suspect it'd have great meaning to your employer.
So I wonder, what is it worth to you? Is anyone
else around for this conversation? I think you're
still just leaning over Trent Dort. Yeah. Yeah,
okay. You're... You're blackmailing me with this
knowledge. Give me some credit. I don't respect
you enough to blackmail you. I'm just applying
a little pressure, right? What would it take
to make sure Fritha doesn't know this? I don't
know. What do you got? I mean, you some... What?
You're like rovings and shit? You're like...
We operate out of the food court. Oh, you operate?
Oh, that's cute. Okay. Well, you know, I always
got some use for folks who can operate. I got
a lot of use for it, in fact. Got some stuff
going on. I'd like like y 'all to take a look
at and by I like I mean you will Yes, we will.
What do you need us to take a look at? I'll be
in touch. Uh, you're at that pizza restaurant,
right? The screaming slice Yes, beautiful building
flammable flammable as fuck Not if you have awnings
I'm not even gonna respond to that. I'll just
say something like here's My pager for when you
need to contact us and I try to get the fuck
out of it All right, do you give him the whole
pager you just give him a number Oh, I give him
my pager like number. Okay, cool. Cool. He's
like God y 'all's quaint. All right, I'll be
in touch. What's your name son? Don't care don't
care. Shut the fuck up. See you soon End of conversation!
How are you doing, Connie? I rushed back like
shaking here and I think I'm gonna let everyone
else know that like... So ceremony's over. People
are eating. Muffled conversation, light ambient
music, happy laughter of rich people. What do
we see Connie doing? Okay, I think we have a
little break in the action so we can kind of
huddle up. Lin, Lin, please, Volpertinger has
something for you. Oh my god, really? Wow. Yeah,
they'll give you the feather. Hello. Volpertinger
grabs her hand, does the bow and the kiss maneuver,
Lin Lin is like, oh my goodness, wow. So that's
happening in the background. We see some good
visual gags out there. Volpertinger gets the
puppets out. It's really breaking the tension
in the rest of this happening. But yeah, Connie,
what are you doing? I gather everyone and I'm
like, We are in some deep trouble. One of them
knows, potentially the worst person in our guest
list who could know that this is all a farce,
knows that this is a farce. Who is it? Are any
of you aware of Dort and Son's tractor supply
and small arms? Don't tell me. Yeah. What? Trent
Dort has dirt on us. He knows that this was all
fake and he's he's blackmailing us me of all
people to attend this meal Dort I Didn't realize
who he was until he needed something Listen he's
I'm pretty sure he threatened the screaming slice
and us with an Argus shot I think he has that
kind of technology an Argus who is this guy he
is Maybe the most powerful arms dealer on Helica.
For some reason he's still here, not in one of
those rich yuppie places. He stays on Trash Planet
for some reason. He's probably doing exactly
what he was doing decades ago. Just taking shots,
having fun. It's like a safari to him. Wait,
how did he know? Well, according to him, he's
killed... By my count, at least seven jailbirds.
And I can't, like, stand up. She's just like,
wait, what? I'm sorry, I'm gonna be nauseous.
This is a bad man, guys. This is one of the scariest
people to have threatening us. Sharitha comes
over, sees you all clustered up, and she's like...
Hello, well, beautiful ceremony, I assume. It
went off without a hitch. Thank you, Shreetha.
Yes, lovely. Is there anything else that you
would like to conclude the evening if services
may be complete for the evening? We want to make
sure that we have all of our cultural accoutrement
appropriately deployed. Yes, rather than us handing
out the feathers, we felt it would be best if
you did. She picks up these oily jailbird feathers
as if they're gross, which they kind of are.
Oh god. Really, really, there's just no other
option. Each of the jailbird feathers has like
a little piece of string tied to it with some
beads. Oh, that's nice, okay. A little inlaid
detail, sorry. It's just a souvenir. You know,
all of your guests will want to say they will
want to tell their friends off world, but they
actually partook in a jailbird ceremony. This
is the proof of it. Fine, fine. All right, well,
as you know, this was a colossal waste of time
and resources. I mean, I'm happy that my guests
are happy, but it really didn't need to be all
this hassle, did it? So this will be reflected
in your pay, unfortunately, but I asked for a
jailbird and you did deliver, so... We will be
happy to have you as our delivery employees going
forward. Who shall I write on your paperwork?
Do you have a name? What are we? I mean, if we
really want to rub the giddy girl's face in it,
we could show off that we protected the food
court from them. Yeah, yeah, like some sort of
warden. The wardens, yes? Yeah, the wardens of
the food court. Alright, you said it in a meaningful
way. Alright. No, I love it. It was good. She
writes that down on a clipboard. She says, yes,
you can expect your first delivery. We are a
few weeks out and I'll be in touch. Of course.
Do you prefer pager communication? She's just
speaking to you about details and how this is
all going to shake out. You have secured your
job as the pickup people for the tender mercy
at the cost of becoming indebted to Trent Dort.
Seems not worth it. Yeah. I think as things are
wrapping up, I'm going to try and steal the generator.
Oh shit. Oh shit. Okay. Rather. Just not give
it back. Just casually like pack it up like it's
one of ours. Yeah, you're loading up, you're
loading out. Are you doing this too? Yeah, if
this is something I can help with, I'll be there
helping back up. OK, yeah. All right. Give me
some kind of role for this, a group action. How
are you at sneaking? I was thinking sneak. We
like rarely sneak. I don't have good roads for
sneak. It feels like it should be sneak. Like
this is a sneaky thing to do. Anyone can just,
like you're all here. We're kind of in narrative
order. Are you on stress? Yeah. I'm good. Oh,
OK. Then you can just assist me rather than group
action. Cool. So one stress to assist, and I
get one more dice. That's a five. Awesome. yeah
okay um so you guys just casually loaded up as
if it has always belonged to you just just sticking
on the skimmer everything else i think your consequence
here is that you see vulpertanger making out
with this like cute girl and as they're making
out uh they reach up on the back of her neck
and grab the mask like it's like this little
thin bar that she had this soap bubble mask yeah
and so they're like making out pressed against
a canyon just like very hot, very sexy, and then
you just see like the hand reach up, like, you
know, and so Fulbertina grabs the soap bubble
mask, and then just like spins her, like, dip
kiss, spin, and is like, goodbye, like incredible
visual look, and - All while wearing mosquito
netting and a G string. Yes. Are you telling
me you - I wouldn't make out with the - I would,
I would totally, so make out with Wilbertinger.
Most eligible bachelor in trash planet. I'd only
make out with one of their puppets. Wilbertinger
waves goodbye with a puppet on hand. Wow, what
a move anyway, okay So that's gonna be some grief
maybe later that affects your reputation with
the scream and slice or sorry with the tender
mercy But you guys are loading up. It's the end
of the night any final moments between any of
you guys I do want to try and talk to one of
the the people at So there's this one guy is
sticking pretty close to the VIPs like he came
here with them and he's been on them all night
So yeah, what do you say? Hey You know, uh, Big
Eve Boulder? I ain't know him! You're lookin'
at him! Big Eve? That's right! It's me, Big Eve
Boulder! He gets, like, a Borderlands splash
screen that goes graffiti. He does a cool pose.
As he says that, um, the people he was shepherding,
like, the college kids, they're like, Big Eve!
Like, he has completely won the hearts and minds
of these people, so... Hey, look, so, I got a
tip. I've got a... Big trout coming for my spot
in the starting rotation for the fresco fight.
You gotta hustle it up dinner's about to end
I gotta get back to my job. Yeah, I was I was
hoping I could buy some some juice Oh my god,
that's crazy to just say it public like that.
Can you believe this guy Dylan juice? Wow, you
need to roll me something to make this connect
because just trying to be like, hey, let me buy
drugs from you in public. Well, I'm trying to
say like, I'm on the practice squad. Like, I
just need that edge to get me in the starting
rotation. And, you know, it would be good business
for you. I always say 50 push -ups in 50 sit
-ups every morning keeps the lead healthy and
happy. Roll me to see if this works out. He's
just shy about doing this in front of people.
I mean, we don't have to do it now. I just...
Can I give you my contact info even to get the
info? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. What do you want me to
roll charmers persuade, right? Yeah. Yeah Did
you just roll a six and a one I rolled a six
and a one, holy shit So I have to take the one
Big Eve is audibly an earshot of his college
kids and it's just like Mate, you're crazy. See,
this is just what I'm saying about the wacky
locals here of Trash Planet, you know? You can
tell that there's just absolutely no decorum
at all. I mean, good God. Anywho, good to meet
you, brother. Hope all kitchens dies. I don't
know, just a weird aura there. All right, Biggie.
I'll see you around. And I turn around and slump
away. No! No, Tank! No! The meat dimension like
gets a little smaller over your head like it's
like going further away And so what's the last
shot we see of all y 'all heading out? I think
after all of its wrapped up We're probably the
last ones there sort of making sure everything
is buried all the proof that this was a farce
is you know scattered and not traceable I think
we're as we're loading up the skimmer and leaving
Buster's Canyon in this starry night, one of
the stars, which is a satellite. You can see
it moving right above us. Thank you to Morgan
Davey, Malcolm Craig, and Gregor Hutton for the
use of their game agent. Yeah, who wants to be
my meat demons?