1 00:00:00,880 --> 00:00:08,480 Hey everybody, welcome back. This is the Justin and Heidi unfiltered podcast. I'm Justin and I'm Heidi and that's bear 2 00:00:09,300 --> 00:00:11,440 Sleeping on my lap actually been quiet 3 00:00:15,040 --> 00:00:20,440 None of his antics are on the recorded one we deleted that recording. Mm-hmm 4 00:00:22,320 --> 00:00:24,220 What a punk I 5 00:00:24,220 --> 00:00:30,160 Mean he'll go hours and hours and hours just walking around and blah blah blah and we start recording and he's like 6 00:00:30,760 --> 00:00:33,180 I'm gonna get my really loud toy. I'll be right back 7 00:00:35,380 --> 00:00:36,640 Anyway 8 00:00:36,640 --> 00:00:42,320 So thanks for her. Thanks for joining us. Thanks for listening. We are talking about 9 00:00:43,560 --> 00:00:45,720 mainly addiction but also just 10 00:00:46,880 --> 00:00:50,800 things that we've gone through in our in our marriage and in our lives and 11 00:00:50,800 --> 00:00:53,400 Right now we're talking about 12 00:00:54,520 --> 00:00:56,520 The event that happened a few months ago 13 00:00:58,240 --> 00:01:03,200 I lost my job. Hi. Hi, Edi other dog 14 00:01:05,400 --> 00:01:07,400 We had our big blow up and 15 00:01:08,480 --> 00:01:11,760 The last thing we were talking about on our podcast was communication 16 00:01:12,800 --> 00:01:14,800 so 17 00:01:14,800 --> 00:01:20,340 I think there was a spike when you picked him up 18 00:01:20,720 --> 00:01:26,180 I'm just upset that they always just go to you. I'm over here like 19 00:01:27,480 --> 00:01:29,480 Unless I have a bribe 20 00:01:30,520 --> 00:01:32,680 Rude so anyway 21 00:01:33,920 --> 00:01:38,840 Communication. Yeah. Well, so like we kind of ended off with I 22 00:01:38,840 --> 00:01:43,880 Don't know where we ended up I think we're talking about level of communication before 23 00:01:44,560 --> 00:01:48,640 Like we'd have moments where we were good. Mm-hmm, but I 24 00:01:49,480 --> 00:01:51,720 Don't know what I thought when you were saying that is 25 00:01:52,280 --> 00:01:59,240 Now it's better like the good better best kind of thing. Well, I think now I'm just more in tune and like 26 00:02:00,200 --> 00:02:02,200 When I'm feeling off 27 00:02:03,040 --> 00:02:06,640 I've just gotten better not trusting you and just going back 28 00:02:06,640 --> 00:02:08,880 Something's off. We're gonna talk about it now 29 00:02:09,400 --> 00:02:15,840 Whereas do we but but as before I'd be like no nothing thought I mean I feel off but 30 00:02:16,360 --> 00:02:21,760 He's telling me and he's showing me and so it just must be I must be wrong 31 00:02:21,760 --> 00:02:25,920 My intuition must be off. Well, guess what ladies every intuitions never off 32 00:02:25,920 --> 00:02:31,160 So no, don't ever don't ever misjudge that but we got to that because of half-truths 33 00:02:31,920 --> 00:02:33,920 I would I would 34 00:02:33,920 --> 00:02:38,200 Answer your questions and I give you half-truths because it worked. It was the bare minimum 35 00:02:39,000 --> 00:02:43,480 One of the main things that we talk about in our group therapy is a half-truth is a full lie 36 00:02:44,280 --> 00:02:46,280 I have truth as a whole lie 37 00:02:46,840 --> 00:02:54,160 So now when something's off and you confront me and we talk I know the very best course of action is to talk 38 00:02:54,680 --> 00:03:00,560 Yeah, so but we we definitely wouldn't have gotten to that point had you not been in therapy 39 00:03:00,560 --> 00:03:06,760 Right, and had you not done and you'd done therapy before because this was not the first time in our marriage that we've gone through 40 00:03:07,760 --> 00:03:09,760 rock bottom 41 00:03:09,760 --> 00:03:14,560 No, this is the second time and there's just so much to say for it because 42 00:03:15,840 --> 00:03:22,520 There are a lot of therapeutic things that we can do as humans, but when I say therapy 43 00:03:22,520 --> 00:03:25,920 I mean, I started seeing a licensed 44 00:03:25,920 --> 00:03:30,120 professional counselor and I 45 00:03:30,840 --> 00:03:32,840 Mean they're trained 46 00:03:33,400 --> 00:03:35,120 to do this 47 00:03:35,120 --> 00:03:37,120 you know and they 48 00:03:37,120 --> 00:03:42,040 Yeah, well, and I think the funny thing the funny thing we humans do is 49 00:03:42,520 --> 00:03:46,400 We think we're so unique and we are we're unique people 50 00:03:47,120 --> 00:03:51,120 But for everything you do, there's another thousand people that do the same thing 51 00:03:51,120 --> 00:03:56,120 It's so funny the the cognitive distortion or the thinking barrier that we talked about 52 00:03:56,920 --> 00:04:02,360 In I don't remember if I told you this even you didn't for week eight for this last group therapy 53 00:04:03,040 --> 00:04:05,040 The the thinking barriers uniqueness 54 00:04:06,560 --> 00:04:08,560 That's what we discussed and 55 00:04:09,440 --> 00:04:13,040 Sort of riddle think we're unique. We're going through all the things of 56 00:04:13,040 --> 00:04:20,920 When you're when you're addicted and you struggle with this uniqueness 57 00:04:21,960 --> 00:04:23,960 She's rattling off 58 00:04:23,960 --> 00:04:25,960 all the signs 59 00:04:25,960 --> 00:04:28,240 You're like, that's me. How did you know that? 60 00:04:29,240 --> 00:04:34,840 I have I don't have to oh, I do have that. Yep. That's me. That's me. That's how'd you know that? 61 00:04:34,840 --> 00:04:39,800 I'm but I'm unique. Nobody knows this but me right? Yeah, cuz there's a fine line 62 00:04:39,800 --> 00:04:43,240 I mean, there's nothing wrong with saying you're special 63 00:04:43,240 --> 00:04:47,080 You know you you can do great things that can be very empowering 64 00:04:48,040 --> 00:04:51,000 But it can't just be a blind piece of wisdom 65 00:04:51,800 --> 00:04:54,520 That's just taken for everything 66 00:04:55,480 --> 00:04:59,680 Because you're not unique in this way. I 67 00:05:00,240 --> 00:05:01,520 was not 68 00:05:01,520 --> 00:05:08,120 Alone in my addiction. I was not the only person who'd ever gone through this. I was not the only one 69 00:05:08,120 --> 00:05:13,000 I was not the only one who felt like I could never return to a god 70 00:05:14,720 --> 00:05:21,080 And ask for his forgiveness I I can't be honest with my wife after what I've done 71 00:05:23,480 --> 00:05:25,480 So stupid 72 00:05:25,840 --> 00:05:32,080 Because then those those bring with it so many other things that are only I mean there's there's narcissism that comes with it because 73 00:05:33,000 --> 00:05:35,520 I'm I'm unique. Don't you know who I am? 74 00:05:35,520 --> 00:05:40,080 Fortunately, I know that was not something I ran into very often 75 00:05:41,600 --> 00:05:44,240 But the thing about being more 76 00:05:47,440 --> 00:05:50,720 More more honest being your true self 77 00:05:51,360 --> 00:05:53,360 Is how much easier it is to see it? 78 00:05:53,840 --> 00:05:59,240 You know the people mm-hmm and there's another fine line because you don't want to be judgmental right? 79 00:05:59,240 --> 00:06:02,240 But what I'm learning is that when I'm picking up on those vides 80 00:06:02,240 --> 00:06:05,000 And I'm thinking this person like 81 00:06:06,080 --> 00:06:08,080 Really do she vibes 82 00:06:08,600 --> 00:06:15,040 Instead of thinking oh well he's addicted to pornography and he's going no my thought is this isn't an individual that I want to 83 00:06:15,360 --> 00:06:21,520 Interact with right you know that's the vibe I'm getting and it's okay to leave it at that right 84 00:06:21,600 --> 00:06:24,720 But then I turn it on myself and just remind myself I 85 00:06:25,720 --> 00:06:27,720 Gave those vibes to somebody 86 00:06:28,640 --> 00:06:30,640 Yeah 87 00:06:30,640 --> 00:06:33,480 Mm-hmm. Yeah sure yeah probably 88 00:06:34,160 --> 00:06:39,080 Because I was doing very similar things mm-hmm, and I just want to be I 89 00:06:40,360 --> 00:06:42,080 Just want to be authentic 90 00:06:42,080 --> 00:06:48,840 And that's another nice thing about this new job is that I've got I can start fresh right all new people new relationships 91 00:06:48,840 --> 00:06:53,380 I don't have to be someone. I'm not hoping that they'll like me 92 00:06:54,040 --> 00:06:55,280 You know 93 00:06:55,280 --> 00:07:01,320 But that was that was the funny part in so we go through this rock bottom. You're sleeping in the other room 94 00:07:01,960 --> 00:07:06,260 Start counseling start therapy. We're talking we're communicating more. We're getting to a better place 95 00:07:06,600 --> 00:07:13,480 And I would say the last because you were out of work for about six months four months the one job 96 00:07:13,480 --> 00:07:14,880 I don't really count 97 00:07:14,880 --> 00:07:16,160 Same 98 00:07:16,160 --> 00:07:23,960 August to the end of December well end of July so five months you're right so I was adding almost six months 99 00:07:23,960 --> 00:07:24,640 Yeah 100 00:07:24,640 --> 00:07:26,640 so 101 00:07:28,400 --> 00:07:30,400 But the last I would say the last 102 00:07:30,920 --> 00:07:32,920 three four months of that was like 103 00:07:33,640 --> 00:07:35,600 You were living your best life 104 00:07:35,600 --> 00:07:41,480 Yeah, but you were being honest. We were communicating you were being very productive 105 00:07:41,800 --> 00:07:45,440 You had set goals you were I mean still looking for a job 106 00:07:45,440 --> 00:07:52,180 So it's not like you were doing you you were very you were more productive in those times that period than I would say in 107 00:07:52,180 --> 00:07:54,180 Our whole marriage honestly yeah 108 00:07:54,180 --> 00:08:00,100 And for me it was one of those where I'm like I just knew whatever it is you found 109 00:08:02,500 --> 00:08:09,020 The next thing would be what is right for us and what needs to happen and where you need to go 110 00:08:09,860 --> 00:08:11,860 But then when you got the job 111 00:08:14,820 --> 00:08:16,820 It was so 112 00:08:16,980 --> 00:08:18,980 It was weird to watch 113 00:08:19,220 --> 00:08:21,300 Yeah, and and will I? 114 00:08:21,300 --> 00:08:24,740 I want to go back before we start talking about that 115 00:08:24,740 --> 00:08:29,700 I want to go back to the live in your best life thing because there's so much there mm-hmm because 116 00:08:30,860 --> 00:08:33,460 We were connecting on levels 117 00:08:34,300 --> 00:08:40,380 We've never been before well that was the other thing that I found interesting because I was still driving down to st. George 118 00:08:41,220 --> 00:08:43,220 for two of those months and 119 00:08:43,220 --> 00:08:49,540 When I would call you on my drives to st. George I'm driving the st. George is a three and a half hour drive yeah it is 120 00:08:50,580 --> 00:08:56,020 It's a beautiful drive, but it's boring yeah, and I for me to stay awake while I'm driving 121 00:08:56,020 --> 00:08:58,940 I just listen to music and I have to listen to music that I want to sing to you 122 00:08:58,940 --> 00:09:03,100 I I put on a full-on show in my car guys you just missing out. It's fine 123 00:09:03,900 --> 00:09:05,900 but 124 00:09:06,540 --> 00:09:10,560 For the past two years if I ever called you on that drive just 125 00:09:10,560 --> 00:09:13,980 to just talk like that's like the perfect time to talk because 126 00:09:14,700 --> 00:09:18,860 No distractions right if I called you before though 127 00:09:19,900 --> 00:09:23,300 You couldn't get off the phone fast enough you hated talking on the phone 128 00:09:24,420 --> 00:09:27,220 And I felt I always thought that was so interesting because I'm like 129 00:09:28,020 --> 00:09:32,980 Well, maybe I mean clearly you were busy because I mean I was the one not busy 130 00:09:32,980 --> 00:09:37,860 So I did understand but at the same time like still why couldn't we talk? 131 00:09:37,860 --> 00:09:39,860 Yeah, but 132 00:09:39,860 --> 00:09:46,100 When you finally were starting to be honest with me, and we were communicating more we talked almost every drive 133 00:09:46,100 --> 00:09:49,860 I took mm-hmm and almost the whole drive to 134 00:09:50,980 --> 00:09:56,180 Almost two hours at least the whole time well coming out to the point where I just 135 00:09:58,660 --> 00:10:00,660 It's kind of lovesick no I 136 00:10:01,860 --> 00:10:04,420 Was just thinking about you all the time 137 00:10:04,420 --> 00:10:07,740 and not like just 138 00:10:08,980 --> 00:10:12,780 Sexually type of thinking just like you were just constantly on my mind 139 00:10:13,780 --> 00:10:19,860 You know my my heart was in the right place my my mindset was was better, and I just 140 00:10:21,260 --> 00:10:28,020 Genuinely wanted to talk to you. Yeah, but I'm telling you that was like the first time in our marriage 21 years 141 00:10:28,020 --> 00:10:33,620 so I was going to therapy and 142 00:10:34,380 --> 00:10:38,420 Yeah, I was still looking for a job like you said, but I discovered writing 143 00:10:41,140 --> 00:10:41,820 I 144 00:10:41,820 --> 00:10:43,820 have I have a DD 145 00:10:44,540 --> 00:10:49,140 Diagnosed years ago. It could have been ADHD. I you know I only ever saw one doctor in 146 00:10:49,780 --> 00:10:51,780 1999 so who knows 147 00:10:52,300 --> 00:10:56,780 And I was like I'm not sure I'm not sure I'm not sure I'm not sure I'm not sure I'm not sure I'm not sure 148 00:10:56,780 --> 00:10:58,780 Or even so what I found out 149 00:10:59,340 --> 00:11:01,340 Was not a side note 150 00:11:02,220 --> 00:11:18,220 It was pretty close 151 00:11:20,100 --> 00:11:21,620 Like with 152 00:11:21,620 --> 00:11:22,860 Hypothesis 153 00:11:22,860 --> 00:11:25,020 Wanted to learn to write 154 00:11:25,900 --> 00:11:28,640 Once I went through the detox of 155 00:11:31,300 --> 00:11:33,920 And it withdrawals from pornography I 156 00:11:35,340 --> 00:11:40,340 Keep saying this and if you don't know what I mean, you should really look it up, but my brain was clean 157 00:11:40,820 --> 00:11:42,820 It wasn't muddled 158 00:11:42,940 --> 00:11:45,880 There is such a vast difference from even 159 00:11:46,780 --> 00:11:51,420 occasionally using pornography, but having the effects on your brain to 160 00:11:51,420 --> 00:11:54,780 Not having any any of it at all 161 00:11:55,700 --> 00:12:01,820 There's just a vast huge difference. So I was able to sit and actually put my ideas down and 162 00:12:03,140 --> 00:12:07,700 There's still a gap. I don't have training. I'm not educated and 163 00:12:08,700 --> 00:12:12,120 Fortunately, there's some AI software that really helps me 164 00:12:12,980 --> 00:12:14,980 Build the rest of the story 165 00:12:15,260 --> 00:12:18,860 so I found a way to put my creativity down and 166 00:12:18,860 --> 00:12:21,140 make something and 167 00:12:24,180 --> 00:12:28,900 It made me so happy and so 168 00:12:30,860 --> 00:12:32,700 Yeah, our marriage 169 00:12:32,700 --> 00:12:34,700 communication my 170 00:12:34,860 --> 00:12:36,180 creativity 171 00:12:36,180 --> 00:12:38,740 Everything was great except I wasn't bringing in income 172 00:12:39,180 --> 00:12:43,520 Mm-hmm, but I was finally to place where I understood that was okay. We were still 173 00:12:43,520 --> 00:12:48,360 Living and it was it was alright. Mm-hmm 174 00:12:48,640 --> 00:12:50,880 But because I was looking for a job still 175 00:12:52,160 --> 00:12:54,160 Eventually, I was gonna find one 176 00:12:54,880 --> 00:13:00,120 And I did so now we're there. Yeah, but that's where it was funny because 177 00:13:01,200 --> 00:13:07,920 You applied for the job you interviewed well for the job and then you got the job and then you went back 178 00:13:09,680 --> 00:13:11,680 To square one 179 00:13:11,680 --> 00:13:13,680 you 180 00:13:14,400 --> 00:13:16,400 Turned off 181 00:13:17,160 --> 00:13:25,120 So I didn't I didn't start using again, but I wasn't productive I had just started playing video it would have been a matter of time 182 00:13:27,880 --> 00:13:33,300 If we hadn't set up the lines of communication that we had and if I had stopped going to 183 00:13:34,000 --> 00:13:36,280 counseling or this group therapy, I 184 00:13:37,240 --> 00:13:39,680 agree, mm-hmm, but because 185 00:13:39,680 --> 00:13:43,280 We have set a new standard for our communication 186 00:13:44,520 --> 00:13:46,280 and 187 00:13:46,280 --> 00:13:50,320 You neither of us to an extent, but mainly you no longer 188 00:13:51,720 --> 00:13:53,720 allow 189 00:13:55,200 --> 00:13:58,280 My intuition to be unchecked yeah 190 00:13:59,400 --> 00:14:01,600 When something's off, we're gonna figure it out 191 00:14:02,720 --> 00:14:03,840 Yeah 192 00:14:03,840 --> 00:14:07,200 Like when you called me on your last trip and you said something is off 193 00:14:07,200 --> 00:14:11,400 and I feel like it since you got the job and and this and that and and 194 00:14:12,840 --> 00:14:14,840 Initially I had a lot of shame 195 00:14:15,440 --> 00:14:17,360 Because I was like why? 196 00:14:17,360 --> 00:14:23,120 Why why did I lose motivation? Why I mean I got to a milestone and I'm just I'm not happy 197 00:14:23,920 --> 00:14:25,920 Why am I not happy? 198 00:14:25,920 --> 00:14:27,320 and 199 00:14:27,320 --> 00:14:29,320 so much of it was just oh 200 00:14:30,520 --> 00:14:32,760 Cuz then I was second-guessing everything. I'm like 201 00:14:33,520 --> 00:14:34,960 Did I pick? 202 00:14:34,960 --> 00:14:39,260 Should I not have done this, you know, and like I was praying my heavenly father 203 00:14:40,200 --> 00:14:43,080 Should I have not taken this job? Was this a bad choice and 204 00:14:45,400 --> 00:14:52,640 I'd realized that it was it's it's the attitude and it's because there's there's a change in my life and 205 00:14:53,560 --> 00:14:57,640 That's going to bring anxiety, but I still hadn't 206 00:14:58,480 --> 00:15:00,280 fully managed 207 00:15:00,280 --> 00:15:02,280 transitioning through anxiety 208 00:15:02,280 --> 00:15:08,120 And in the past when I was anxious I would just use and then that's how I'd get through it 209 00:15:09,120 --> 00:15:11,120 But now I don't have that 210 00:15:11,320 --> 00:15:13,700 So I was kind of spinning my wheels 211 00:15:14,600 --> 00:15:17,400 There were a few things that I had learned but I wasn't I 212 00:15:18,120 --> 00:15:21,400 Still wasn't in the right frame of mind to say, okay 213 00:15:21,400 --> 00:15:26,360 well now I need to look at some cognitive therapy and and really think this through and 214 00:15:27,240 --> 00:15:30,240 No, I was like, I'm just not happy. I'm gonna go play video games 215 00:15:30,240 --> 00:15:32,240 So 216 00:15:33,120 --> 00:15:38,680 It sucked but it was short-lived fortunately and I 217 00:15:39,960 --> 00:15:45,280 Just I changed my attitude. This is a great opportunity this new job that I have 218 00:15:46,000 --> 00:15:48,000 I'm gonna be able to 219 00:15:49,040 --> 00:15:51,520 Continue my career. I'm back to banking 220 00:15:54,400 --> 00:15:58,040 But they were still something missing and it was goals 221 00:15:58,040 --> 00:16:01,600 I wasn't setting goals at work and I wasn't continuing my writing 222 00:16:02,240 --> 00:16:04,240 Yeah, you had not 223 00:16:05,560 --> 00:16:09,040 Continued with your goals at home. Yeah my 224 00:16:10,200 --> 00:16:11,480 and 225 00:16:11,480 --> 00:16:12,680 you 226 00:16:12,680 --> 00:16:14,680 again pointed out 227 00:16:14,880 --> 00:16:20,040 Almost to the it sounded like you were saying like if you've got to just quit this job and go back to 228 00:16:20,520 --> 00:16:23,080 Where we were then so be it 229 00:16:23,080 --> 00:16:25,560 So I I thought about it and 230 00:16:26,920 --> 00:16:30,960 I realized that if I just if I prioritize the right way I 231 00:16:31,520 --> 00:16:34,040 Can find joy in my job? 232 00:16:34,360 --> 00:16:39,720 Because there are a lot of things a lot of skills that I have that I learned through banking and through 233 00:16:40,360 --> 00:16:44,880 The last five years working for a tremendous man a great mentor 234 00:16:45,400 --> 00:16:47,400 That I want to use 235 00:16:47,560 --> 00:16:49,080 in 236 00:16:49,080 --> 00:16:54,200 In banking I can be amazing, but I've got to have a better attitude 237 00:16:55,800 --> 00:17:02,000 More importantly, I'm gonna get back to writing. Mm-hmm because it brought me so much joy 238 00:17:03,440 --> 00:17:05,440 so 239 00:17:06,720 --> 00:17:08,720 So now I just I schedule it 240 00:17:09,120 --> 00:17:11,120 Right, you know and I set a goal 241 00:17:11,640 --> 00:17:14,200 Stephen King writes six pages a day 242 00:17:14,200 --> 00:17:19,320 That's his that's his goal every day he writes six pages and he says sometimes it takes an entire day 243 00:17:19,720 --> 00:17:25,480 Sometimes he finishes before lunch and that's what he does and he's incredibly successful 244 00:17:26,520 --> 00:17:28,920 But I thought I can do that 245 00:17:30,520 --> 00:17:33,520 So I I write three pages a day 246 00:17:34,600 --> 00:17:36,600 Try to and 247 00:17:37,680 --> 00:17:38,880 I'm happy 248 00:17:38,880 --> 00:17:40,880 I'm happy 249 00:17:40,880 --> 00:17:42,880 I'm happy 250 00:17:42,880 --> 00:17:44,880 I'm happy 251 00:17:47,920 --> 00:17:53,480 Yeah, so that's so we discovered that but then when you started your job 252 00:17:54,640 --> 00:18:00,080 It went backwards. Yeah, I can't we kind of yeah the brick wall because then it was real 253 00:18:00,600 --> 00:18:04,160 Mm-hmm, cuz then you were at work. You were gone every day. Yeah 254 00:18:05,080 --> 00:18:09,800 And I know that first week was rough because I was like, what what are you even eating? 255 00:18:09,800 --> 00:18:13,400 Yeah, and you're like I have a protein bar and uh 256 00:18:14,480 --> 00:18:16,960 And uh, what was a green drink? 257 00:18:17,600 --> 00:18:19,960 Yeah, the bloom from Costco. I 258 00:18:20,520 --> 00:18:25,240 Mean, it's the only reason I'm alive is because I had the nutrients of that and supplements 259 00:18:25,640 --> 00:18:32,080 But I was like starving myself because I also wanted to continue to lose weight and I kind of plateaued but I was dumb 260 00:18:32,600 --> 00:18:34,600 Yeah, that's not how you lose weight 261 00:18:36,120 --> 00:18:38,120 So 262 00:18:38,120 --> 00:18:43,120 Yeah, I just started getting these these feelings when I was at work and 263 00:18:44,560 --> 00:18:46,560 They were icky 264 00:18:46,560 --> 00:18:52,960 You know and the reality was that I just it was a new thing and it was scary and that's okay 265 00:18:53,600 --> 00:18:55,600 Mm-hmm. That's allowed. Yeah 266 00:18:56,720 --> 00:18:59,760 But now fast forward 267 00:19:00,480 --> 00:19:03,040 I just finished my third week. Yeah 268 00:19:04,440 --> 00:19:06,440 So I'm in I'm in training 269 00:19:06,440 --> 00:19:11,200 I keep every day. I'm finding new things and some are fun and some are not but 270 00:19:12,480 --> 00:19:14,480 I'm not unhappy 271 00:19:15,200 --> 00:19:18,160 And I work with some pretty cool people so 272 00:19:20,560 --> 00:19:22,560 Yeah, but that's where 273 00:19:22,560 --> 00:19:28,080 So just following my intuition and just making sure that we're communicating stills is where we're at 274 00:19:28,800 --> 00:19:31,960 We'll see how that continues. We'll keep you posted. Yeah 275 00:19:31,960 --> 00:19:36,160 Oh and add to to all of this other crap that we went through we were also 276 00:19:36,640 --> 00:19:38,640 Finally closing on another house 277 00:19:39,240 --> 00:19:41,240 We had started this process 278 00:19:41,920 --> 00:19:46,680 We wanted to buy a condo down in st. George investment property. Yeah 279 00:19:47,600 --> 00:19:49,600 a rental property 280 00:19:49,600 --> 00:19:51,600 a year ago 281 00:19:51,600 --> 00:19:53,600 year and a 282 00:19:53,600 --> 00:19:55,600 Yeah 283 00:19:55,600 --> 00:19:57,600 It took for it it was a 284 00:19:57,600 --> 00:19:59,400 It was a 285 00:19:59,400 --> 00:20:02,560 It took for it. It was so long ago people 286 00:20:03,120 --> 00:20:07,480 This is so dumb when we went to close on our home. There was like a 287 00:20:08,200 --> 00:20:10,400 $38,000 discrepancy in our paperwork 288 00:20:11,720 --> 00:20:13,720 Where they were saying? 289 00:20:13,720 --> 00:20:17,640 No, you you you don't need to come in with this much money. Yeah, you already paid this 290 00:20:18,240 --> 00:20:20,240 We're like, no, we didn't 291 00:20:20,240 --> 00:20:22,880 We didn't remember we put 10% down 292 00:20:23,600 --> 00:20:25,600 a year and a half ago 293 00:20:25,600 --> 00:20:27,600 so stupid 294 00:20:27,600 --> 00:20:29,600 so 295 00:20:29,600 --> 00:20:32,440 Dumb but anyway took forever. We're finally done 296 00:20:33,600 --> 00:20:38,920 And every time it got stressful. I remember when we started this thing we we got into a huge fight 297 00:20:39,800 --> 00:20:42,120 When we were starting to look into properties 298 00:20:42,120 --> 00:20:47,680 And we went to the temple and we were praying and I remember it was one of the most vivid answers 299 00:20:47,680 --> 00:20:49,680 I'd ever gotten to prayer 300 00:20:49,800 --> 00:20:53,640 My answer was that I need to defer to your wisdom 301 00:20:53,640 --> 00:20:58,160 when it came to this and I think it's just because my vision of 302 00:20:59,880 --> 00:21:07,520 Of buying another home for investment was just not not the same not the same 303 00:21:08,920 --> 00:21:15,920 So I have deferred to your wisdom I followed that prompting and it's been good but 304 00:21:16,440 --> 00:21:18,440 Anyway, we'll see 305 00:21:18,440 --> 00:21:23,920 We finally got to closing and then of course we're closing on the home. So there's all new stresses 306 00:21:24,760 --> 00:21:26,760 and it was 307 00:21:27,680 --> 00:21:28,680 It sucked 308 00:21:28,680 --> 00:21:32,040 Yeah, so is that on top of a new job on top of now? 309 00:21:32,040 --> 00:21:36,600 We've got to furnish this place and get it all ready, but you are starting work and have no time off 310 00:21:37,120 --> 00:21:42,640 Yeah, and so that was a fun discussion to you when you're like, I'll have to go down there on on 311 00:21:43,200 --> 00:21:45,840 Friday nights and do all that I can on Saturday and I was like 312 00:21:45,840 --> 00:21:47,840 So 313 00:21:48,600 --> 00:21:53,600 You're that's not helpful no pay attention to details. That's not your thing 314 00:21:56,880 --> 00:21:58,240 Yeah 315 00:21:58,240 --> 00:22:00,240 Just lots of things 316 00:22:01,280 --> 00:22:05,560 But I mean coming back to the to the addiction to the pornography 317 00:22:05,560 --> 00:22:10,280 I mean, this is something that you struggled with your entire life. Yeah, and 318 00:22:10,280 --> 00:22:17,840 So I mean the first time I remember really talking about pornography and your addiction was 319 00:22:18,600 --> 00:22:20,400 2009 320 00:22:20,400 --> 00:22:23,000 And I honestly when when we first started 321 00:22:23,400 --> 00:22:27,880 Really trying to get into what is going on in our marriage because that was a bad time, too 322 00:22:28,600 --> 00:22:30,600 Yeah, for me, it was just the spending 323 00:22:31,320 --> 00:22:37,120 It was all the money. Yeah. Yeah, so that was the that was the next milestone back 324 00:22:37,120 --> 00:22:40,160 Was that's a milestone. What did you call it? 325 00:22:40,840 --> 00:22:47,520 Keystone key key points points. So yeah, the next key point back in our marriage was it was 2009 326 00:22:50,520 --> 00:22:55,120 So, yeah, we have a couple minutes we'll talk about this initially and then the rest will be next week, but I 327 00:22:57,800 --> 00:23:03,760 Had just thought it was overspending wasn't that when it was it was it more than $60,000 328 00:23:03,760 --> 00:23:08,440 It was it was it more than $60,000 in it. No is 329 00:23:09,120 --> 00:23:11,120 the total was was 330 00:23:12,440 --> 00:23:14,440 35,000 331 00:23:15,680 --> 00:23:22,080 And I think that over the years maybe you have changed the five and the three I think we've had this discussion and you 332 00:23:23,240 --> 00:23:30,560 You've said you thought it was 53 and you know what? Maybe it was and I changed the numbers in my head to 35 333 00:23:30,560 --> 00:23:34,960 But why don't we just for now for the sake of argument we'll call it 50,000 334 00:23:34,960 --> 00:23:37,960 I had racked up $50,000 of debt 335 00:23:39,360 --> 00:23:46,720 Some of it was from gambling some of it was most of it was just buying stupid crap 336 00:23:49,360 --> 00:23:51,360 Just over years 337 00:23:54,440 --> 00:23:58,480 And the funny part about that whole thing is that in November 338 00:23:58,480 --> 00:24:00,480 of 2009 we started budgeting 339 00:24:01,600 --> 00:24:08,240 That's when that whole thing happened. We went and saw the bishop because we were this was a problem and we cut out 340 00:24:08,920 --> 00:24:09,920 everything 341 00:24:09,920 --> 00:24:14,120 Like we trimmed our budget down and we still do that same budget 342 00:24:15,000 --> 00:24:18,000 We do but but I was so 343 00:24:18,520 --> 00:24:20,520 mad 344 00:24:21,720 --> 00:24:26,400 Because there was so much money gone and there was nothing to show for it nothing 345 00:24:26,400 --> 00:24:32,560 So we just had to pay off debt because I I was so mad that there was debt because I had never been in debt 346 00:24:33,080 --> 00:24:34,080 Yeah 347 00:24:34,080 --> 00:24:38,960 But we did we paid it off. Yeah, and I have said I've told people this 348 00:24:39,760 --> 00:24:45,000 If we I don't think an IRS auditor could have told us where that money came from 349 00:24:45,640 --> 00:24:52,120 I'll never ever lose my faith and testimony in that that part of it because 350 00:24:52,120 --> 00:24:56,840 We had been talking to the bishop and we were maybe gonna have to get food from the bishop storehouse 351 00:24:56,840 --> 00:24:58,840 we were gonna get help because 352 00:24:59,320 --> 00:25:02,200 We were in a lot of debt and we had to put all of our money towards 353 00:25:02,760 --> 00:25:08,160 Paying it so that's the funny. That's the funny thing about your memory and my memory and your 354 00:25:08,640 --> 00:25:13,400 Fighter flight my fighter flight. Yeah, we were never getting food from the fish Bishop's storehouse 355 00:25:13,400 --> 00:25:17,880 But in my mind, but in your head we were like we're never gonna be able to serve food 356 00:25:17,880 --> 00:25:22,280 Yeah, and we paid it off in 13 months. Yeah 357 00:25:22,280 --> 00:25:26,120 because because it was one of those words like we both make good money and 358 00:25:26,640 --> 00:25:31,040 If you have shelter and food, there is not much more you need to have 359 00:25:31,040 --> 00:25:37,560 but I think in your mind you were thinking we we have to have this much money a month to even live and it's like a 360 00:25:38,600 --> 00:25:40,600 Third of that, right 361 00:25:41,160 --> 00:25:45,720 We didn't go out and buy anything. We didn't go out and buy anything. We didn't go out and buy anything 362 00:25:45,720 --> 00:25:52,440 We didn't go out to eat. We didn't go see movies. We didn't there was no entertainment. There was no 363 00:25:53,040 --> 00:25:56,040 extra food at home. Yep, and 364 00:25:57,560 --> 00:25:59,520 And 365 00:25:59,520 --> 00:26:03,100 We paid it off. Mm-hmm and anybody can do that. Yeah 366 00:26:03,800 --> 00:26:08,660 But that's when I that's when I found out he had a pornography addiction. I didn't know before that. Yeah 367 00:26:09,960 --> 00:26:12,800 Well, that was the underlying issue that I found that out through 368 00:26:12,800 --> 00:26:14,800 counseling 369 00:26:16,560 --> 00:26:21,680 So that but that brought up its own issues, I mean, yeah, that's the underlying issue and I was facing it 370 00:26:21,680 --> 00:26:23,280 I was confronting it 371 00:26:23,280 --> 00:26:25,280 But I didn't put enough 372 00:26:28,520 --> 00:26:32,320 Changes in my life for long-term success 373 00:26:34,680 --> 00:26:37,360 Seeing I don't know because I thought you did 374 00:26:39,920 --> 00:26:41,680 But somehow 375 00:26:41,680 --> 00:26:44,860 Well, then maybe I'd so I did you found a workaround them, right? 376 00:26:44,880 --> 00:26:50,760 So they started to collapse because I found other ways, you know, like we found ways that I couldn't download 377 00:26:52,200 --> 00:26:56,520 stuff on my phone and there yeah, I found ways around it eventually 378 00:27:00,880 --> 00:27:07,680 Yep, so so yeah the the the barriers that I had established for myself eventually started to 379 00:27:08,800 --> 00:27:10,800 erode 380 00:27:10,800 --> 00:27:15,640 And I think that's one of the big things now with counting the days is that I'm more 381 00:27:17,560 --> 00:27:23,820 I'm more accountable to it. It's the same thing with I mean, that's why you want to set up goals. Yeah 382 00:27:24,600 --> 00:27:31,280 Because yeah, I'm like this group therapy is gonna end and I'll continue to see a therapist but it's different 383 00:27:31,480 --> 00:27:36,040 It'll be different and I don't know. Maybe I won't like him. I just found out 384 00:27:36,680 --> 00:27:39,760 They referred me to a guy. I'm gonna meet him hopefully next week 385 00:27:39,760 --> 00:27:41,760 Maybe I'll like him 386 00:27:42,400 --> 00:27:47,020 But does that mean I'm not I mean, I'm gonna find another one or maybe it is gonna work 387 00:27:47,200 --> 00:27:51,520 But in six months, am I still gonna go see him like a lot of things could happen 388 00:27:52,480 --> 00:27:54,480 but you and I 389 00:27:55,000 --> 00:27:59,540 Have to continue to have this conversation. I have to continue to come to you 390 00:28:00,280 --> 00:28:02,560 and we've set new boundaries like 391 00:28:02,560 --> 00:28:11,520 If I if I'm having a feeling that you know, I'm I'm struggling and I'm really 392 00:28:12,200 --> 00:28:14,800 close to acting out we've put 393 00:28:15,680 --> 00:28:17,680 things in place so that I 394 00:28:18,760 --> 00:28:27,080 Know what to do in that situation. I call you and a lot of therapists I think in cognitive therapy 395 00:28:27,080 --> 00:28:32,280 CGT something see I'm not licensed but they bring up the rubber band thing 396 00:28:32,280 --> 00:28:36,520 and I've still got it on my wrist and you you snap the rubber band and 397 00:28:36,920 --> 00:28:42,280 It's the point is to give you a jolt back to reality and to resetting your thoughts 398 00:28:43,600 --> 00:28:46,360 So there's there's lots of things that I've put in place but 399 00:28:48,520 --> 00:28:50,520 It's got to be long term 400 00:28:50,520 --> 00:28:53,440 You've done the rubber band thing before mm-hmm 401 00:28:54,720 --> 00:28:58,640 Eventually it breaks and then I don't put a new one on and then 402 00:28:59,880 --> 00:29:01,880 Like we had two guys that were 403 00:29:03,400 --> 00:29:10,000 Previous members of the group they came with this last week one had been clean with 790 days 404 00:29:10,640 --> 00:29:12,640 I'm still wearing it. So uses it daily 405 00:29:13,480 --> 00:29:15,480 He had his folder 406 00:29:15,480 --> 00:29:21,200 So uses that daily still uses the dailies daily like 407 00:29:22,080 --> 00:29:24,080 Success can happen 408 00:29:24,080 --> 00:29:26,080 but it I 409 00:29:26,160 --> 00:29:30,520 Can't stop right? Otherwise, you're never addiction free 410 00:29:31,480 --> 00:29:33,480 No 411 00:29:34,960 --> 00:29:36,960 So 412 00:29:36,960 --> 00:29:40,440 I think I'd like to close just this one by saying 413 00:29:40,440 --> 00:29:47,840 There's so many of us out there that are addicted to pornography and there's so many reasons 414 00:29:48,880 --> 00:29:53,360 To not do anything about it. I get that there are a lot of reasons 415 00:29:54,320 --> 00:29:58,720 But there are in my opinion far better reasons to 416 00:29:59,680 --> 00:30:03,280 Break the cycle and to do something different and live a better life 417 00:30:03,280 --> 00:30:09,680 because because you can so 418 00:30:10,720 --> 00:30:12,720 That's what I'm hoping people get from this 419 00:30:15,760 --> 00:30:17,760 But also it's very 420 00:30:17,760 --> 00:30:19,760 This is very cathartic. I 421 00:30:20,240 --> 00:30:24,720 Mean, I always feel better talking through my issues, especially this one 422 00:30:24,720 --> 00:30:27,680 So I feel like I'm getting better at this 423 00:30:27,680 --> 00:30:35,200 I always feel better talking through my issues, especially this one. So I feel great even if Danny's the only one that listens 424 00:30:35,880 --> 00:30:38,040 I'm still gonna be I'm so happy 425 00:30:40,400 --> 00:30:42,820 Thank you for listening everybody Danny 426 00:30:42,820 --> 00:30:55,620 We're grateful and see you next week. Yep. Bye