1 00:00:00,600 --> 00:00:05,160 Hey everybody welcome back to the Justin and Heidi unfiltered podcast 2 00:00:05,720 --> 00:00:08,000 This is Justin and I'm Heidi 3 00:00:08,640 --> 00:00:10,160 Thanks for listening 4 00:00:10,160 --> 00:00:14,440 So Heidi and I talked about some stuff over the holidays and we decided 5 00:00:16,160 --> 00:00:20,720 After kind of inadvertently taking a little break because I 6 00:00:22,320 --> 00:00:26,560 Didn't set these up to record them. It's on me. It's my fault 7 00:00:26,560 --> 00:00:31,280 We're gonna come back and it's it's gonna be less about hairstylists for a while 8 00:00:31,760 --> 00:00:34,320 Almost nothing about hair style for a while 9 00:00:34,880 --> 00:00:36,880 Talk about our marriage 10 00:00:37,600 --> 00:00:40,960 What we've what we've learned things that we've gone through 11 00:00:41,600 --> 00:00:45,520 raising kids our membership in our church and 12 00:00:46,480 --> 00:00:53,120 Other aspects kind of like how the reason why we took a hiatus from the podcast is because Justin got a job. Yeah 13 00:00:53,120 --> 00:00:54,560 Justin 14 00:00:54,560 --> 00:00:57,840 Yeah, Justin, but that also meant he kind of spiraled 15 00:00:57,840 --> 00:01:03,520 So we're gonna do that just a little bit who knew we should talk about that at some point, too 16 00:01:03,520 --> 00:01:06,720 Yeah, who knew that that would make me spiral? Yeah 17 00:01:08,240 --> 00:01:13,360 The how is getting a job stressful not having a job for four months was stressful 18 00:01:14,240 --> 00:01:19,600 Everything stressful, but you kind of lived your best life for four months. I really did and 19 00:01:20,240 --> 00:01:22,240 Almost no video games were had 20 00:01:22,240 --> 00:01:25,760 It's great, which is the first yeah in our marriage 21 00:01:26,400 --> 00:01:27,600 Yeah 22 00:01:27,600 --> 00:01:33,680 Can confirm we decided that the first topic we're gonna have or we're gonna talk about is 23 00:01:34,640 --> 00:01:36,160 addiction 24 00:01:36,160 --> 00:01:37,440 specifically 25 00:01:37,440 --> 00:01:42,320 my long-term addiction to pornography and 26 00:01:44,000 --> 00:01:46,000 I say other addictions 27 00:01:46,720 --> 00:01:50,160 But they're kind of byproducts. They're still they're separate addictions 28 00:01:50,160 --> 00:01:53,360 Over-eating. I mean my my highest weight 29 00:01:54,000 --> 00:01:57,280 A year and a half ago was four hundred and thirty seven pounds 30 00:01:58,080 --> 00:02:00,080 I'm a big dude 31 00:02:01,120 --> 00:02:03,120 See, I definitely overeat and 32 00:02:03,920 --> 00:02:05,680 spending money 33 00:02:05,680 --> 00:02:07,120 that one 34 00:02:07,120 --> 00:02:09,120 I mean, you never really over addictions 35 00:02:09,840 --> 00:02:13,200 Especially the ones that become like chemical dependencies 36 00:02:13,840 --> 00:02:16,720 So I'm not gonna say I'm over my addiction to spending money 37 00:02:16,720 --> 00:02:20,240 But it is pretty well controlled 38 00:02:20,880 --> 00:02:22,400 And that's good 39 00:02:22,400 --> 00:02:23,280 Yeah 40 00:02:23,280 --> 00:02:28,320 I mean we've set up some boundaries. You have a harder time to get around that with me. Yeah 41 00:02:29,200 --> 00:02:33,120 Can't hide it as much no and I would definitely recommend those boundaries 42 00:02:34,400 --> 00:02:40,880 And and part of me twitches when I hear in shows or in other tv shows or in conversations with people how 43 00:02:40,880 --> 00:02:45,840 A guy will have a separate account that his wife doesn't know about he's like they shut her 44 00:02:46,320 --> 00:02:47,920 Yeah, but you did that 45 00:02:47,920 --> 00:02:48,800 Yeah 46 00:02:48,800 --> 00:02:52,000 It's exactly what happened. Yeah would not recommend 47 00:02:52,800 --> 00:02:55,920 Well enough you want a really actual happy marriage. Yeah 48 00:02:57,200 --> 00:03:00,560 So we'll go back in the next several podcasts. We're gonna talk about 49 00:03:01,200 --> 00:03:02,800 some 50 00:03:02,800 --> 00:03:08,160 Key points. Yeah, I was gonna say milestones, but key points is probably the most important 51 00:03:08,160 --> 00:03:11,600 Milestones, but key points is probably a better way to say it 52 00:03:12,560 --> 00:03:17,760 Um key points in that journey and we're gonna start with the most recent one which was in august 53 00:03:18,720 --> 00:03:20,720 2024 54 00:03:21,600 --> 00:03:23,600 Where 55 00:03:23,840 --> 00:03:28,560 It was a it was a that was a really I would say that was probably the hardest part of our marriage 56 00:03:28,560 --> 00:03:37,200 There's a rock bottom, yeah, so if you've ever watched intervention, um 57 00:03:39,360 --> 00:03:40,960 It's this uh 58 00:03:40,960 --> 00:03:47,360 The show on there's a few seasons on netflix. I don't know what she did on a and e maybe I don't know 59 00:03:48,800 --> 00:03:52,180 The the therapists that are on there or the the interventionists 60 00:03:53,120 --> 00:03:56,720 That are on that they say one of the key points of 61 00:03:56,720 --> 00:03:59,040 Um one of these being successful 62 00:04:00,000 --> 00:04:01,120 is 63 00:04:01,120 --> 00:04:03,120 The person has to hit rock bottom 64 00:04:03,520 --> 00:04:07,280 and they take this drug addict or this alcoholic and they 65 00:04:07,840 --> 00:04:09,280 They get them 66 00:04:09,280 --> 00:04:14,640 When they're at their rock bottom like they're living their rock bottom. They've been there or they're really close 67 00:04:15,360 --> 00:04:17,360 until the family members 68 00:04:17,760 --> 00:04:21,200 You we've got to get them there. Sometimes they have to push them 69 00:04:22,240 --> 00:04:24,240 You have to set boundaries and say 70 00:04:24,240 --> 00:04:30,260 I'm not going to help you anymore. We're not going to communicate. You don't get to see my kids whatever 71 00:04:33,600 --> 00:04:39,280 Um, I reached this rock bottom on my own 72 00:04:41,840 --> 00:04:43,440 Um 73 00:04:43,440 --> 00:04:48,640 In the last recording we did this is a re-recording I went through details and I don't I didn't like it 74 00:04:49,280 --> 00:04:51,840 If you would like to share any specific details 75 00:04:51,840 --> 00:04:54,080 You go ahead. I'm not ashamed 76 00:04:55,600 --> 00:04:57,600 But I don't want to talk about it 77 00:04:59,600 --> 00:05:03,200 Are you feeling shame you're not ashamed but you're kind of feeling shame 78 00:05:04,560 --> 00:05:06,560 Yeah 79 00:05:06,560 --> 00:05:09,120 It makes me feel like well, I I mean 80 00:05:10,080 --> 00:05:14,240 What happened and it's probably true for most people is 81 00:05:16,800 --> 00:05:20,560 Something stupid happened you got mad at me over something stupid. Yeah 82 00:05:20,560 --> 00:05:24,560 And I was mad at you for something stupid, but mine was kind of more justified stupid 83 00:05:25,040 --> 00:05:30,400 But they were both still stupid, which I mean we're married. We've gone through those many times in our married life 84 00:05:31,280 --> 00:05:34,320 but the reaction that came afterwards was 85 00:05:35,280 --> 00:05:37,280 Where I think you were 86 00:05:37,440 --> 00:05:43,840 Mearing the end of your rope. I guess you could say yeah, he he did put hands on me and and it's one of those where you know 87 00:05:44,720 --> 00:05:45,920 we 88 00:05:45,920 --> 00:05:47,920 counseled with our 89 00:05:47,920 --> 00:05:49,920 bishop our ecclesiastical 90 00:05:49,920 --> 00:05:51,920 our ecclesiastical leader 91 00:05:51,920 --> 00:05:54,480 Everyone was trying to make sure that I was okay 92 00:05:55,520 --> 00:05:57,520 But I never felt unsafe 93 00:05:58,320 --> 00:06:00,320 If anyone was really in danger with me 94 00:06:01,120 --> 00:06:03,040 I truly believe that yeah 95 00:06:03,040 --> 00:06:06,000 But you did put hands on me and I did not knee you in the nuts 96 00:06:06,640 --> 00:06:10,160 But I told you I was going to yes you grazed them. Yeah 97 00:06:10,800 --> 00:06:11,920 Yeah 98 00:06:11,920 --> 00:06:17,200 Yeah, you you definitely were close to taking me down but I was gonna 99 00:06:17,200 --> 00:06:21,520 You know, but that's where you really that's where you really 100 00:06:22,640 --> 00:06:26,560 Turned inward on yourself and thought I don't want that to happen 101 00:06:27,440 --> 00:06:32,240 Yeah, because then you did start sleeping in the other room and it was it was a low point. It wasn't great 102 00:06:32,960 --> 00:06:34,960 For either of us, right? 103 00:06:35,440 --> 00:06:39,360 But it's not like we were throwing the divorce word around or anything like that 104 00:06:39,520 --> 00:06:43,600 But it was uh, if we're gonna continue something has to change because it wasn't okay 105 00:06:43,600 --> 00:06:51,360 Yeah, and I think that's why like everybody's rock bottom is different. You know for me sleeping in the next room 106 00:06:51,520 --> 00:06:57,360 Was miles away from you and that was absolutely my rock bottom. I hated it. I was miserable 107 00:06:57,920 --> 00:07:01,760 Well, and you chose to sleep there because I was the one that was sleeping on the couch the first night 108 00:07:02,080 --> 00:07:04,080 Yeah, you did not want to share a bed 109 00:07:04,560 --> 00:07:09,840 Nor a room and or a room. So the option was either I'm in our room on our bed 110 00:07:10,800 --> 00:07:12,800 And you're on the couch 111 00:07:12,800 --> 00:07:19,280 Or I'm in the other room. So yeah, so yeah you picked that one. Yeah 112 00:07:20,480 --> 00:07:22,480 Very noble 113 00:07:22,480 --> 00:07:24,560 Well, thanks 114 00:07:24,560 --> 00:07:26,960 I mean the good decisions had to start somewhere 115 00:07:28,080 --> 00:07:30,800 It's true. Um, and in that moment in that uh, 116 00:07:31,920 --> 00:07:33,920 week 117 00:07:34,560 --> 00:07:39,200 Yeah during that during that timeline about a week or so maybe a little more than 10 days 118 00:07:39,200 --> 00:07:48,480 Um, I was still using pornography on a regular basis which I didn't know about right 119 00:07:50,240 --> 00:07:54,160 Right because he had faced his pornography addiction and we did put 120 00:07:55,120 --> 00:07:59,200 Safeties in place. Mm-hmm. And you know 121 00:07:59,920 --> 00:08:02,880 Once an addict always an addict so lesson learned 122 00:08:03,520 --> 00:08:05,520 Yeah 123 00:08:05,520 --> 00:08:13,200 So there was uh, there was a lot there was a lot for us to go through and 124 00:08:15,760 --> 00:08:17,760 My underlying 125 00:08:18,160 --> 00:08:19,360 issue 126 00:08:19,360 --> 00:08:22,880 Is the addiction to pornography because when you look back at my overeating 127 00:08:24,140 --> 00:08:28,960 Overspending my overspending my anger lying lying. I mean these are 128 00:08:29,680 --> 00:08:32,400 These really are more byproducts some more than others 129 00:08:32,400 --> 00:08:36,400 But really the pornography addiction is the thing that has the highest 130 00:08:37,500 --> 00:08:39,500 concentration of 131 00:08:39,680 --> 00:08:42,240 of those neurotransmitters and 132 00:08:43,120 --> 00:08:46,800 Those those hits of dopamine and and endorphins 133 00:08:47,840 --> 00:08:50,240 That come from use that had been 134 00:08:52,000 --> 00:08:54,320 I mean I had made those pathways in my brain 135 00:08:55,760 --> 00:08:57,600 Nick they were 136 00:08:57,600 --> 00:08:59,600 They were cleared pathways 137 00:08:59,600 --> 00:09:02,560 You know, they might as well have been six lane highways 138 00:09:03,680 --> 00:09:05,360 um 139 00:09:05,360 --> 00:09:07,360 If I was stressed or angry or whatever 140 00:09:08,080 --> 00:09:13,120 I mean, yeah, I would use but also I would use just because you know, it was time to use 141 00:09:14,720 --> 00:09:16,160 So 142 00:09:16,160 --> 00:09:17,360 um 143 00:09:17,360 --> 00:09:19,360 But it was it was a chemical dependency 144 00:09:19,920 --> 00:09:22,560 um, so what I what I realized also 145 00:09:23,280 --> 00:09:26,720 Is well first of all, I I had to get help so 146 00:09:26,720 --> 00:09:29,680 I started to see a counselor 147 00:09:31,280 --> 00:09:36,400 I guess I made the appointment with the bishop first and then we talked about going to see a counselor 148 00:09:36,400 --> 00:09:38,400 So that that took a couple of weeks 149 00:09:39,680 --> 00:09:43,460 But I had decided I was done with pornography 150 00:09:44,640 --> 00:09:49,600 And that was a really dangerous time. I'm finding out as I mean because right now i'm in a group therapy 151 00:09:49,600 --> 00:09:52,400 It's like a 12 week course. We're like a week eight 152 00:09:52,400 --> 00:09:56,400 Because a holiday set it back three weeks, but i'm also still seeing 153 00:09:56,960 --> 00:09:59,440 The counselor on a regular basis and will continue to 154 00:10:00,240 --> 00:10:02,240 But you're not you have for a month 155 00:10:02,720 --> 00:10:04,720 right 156 00:10:04,720 --> 00:10:06,720 Because a new job 157 00:10:07,120 --> 00:10:09,120 But we figured out a way 158 00:10:09,120 --> 00:10:11,120 That's another thing 159 00:10:11,120 --> 00:10:13,920 I can't see the counselor that I have had because 160 00:10:14,960 --> 00:10:17,920 She only works hours that i'm at work and i'm 161 00:10:18,480 --> 00:10:21,760 I'm in riverton. I don't have the ability with this new job 162 00:10:21,760 --> 00:10:29,040 At least for the few for the first six months to leave work long enough to get here to sandy have a session and go back 163 00:10:29,520 --> 00:10:31,520 It's not possible 164 00:10:32,640 --> 00:10:35,280 But you and I talk about things 165 00:10:35,840 --> 00:10:36,880 often 166 00:10:36,880 --> 00:10:38,880 Ideally on a daily basis 167 00:10:39,280 --> 00:10:41,280 And we decided together 168 00:10:42,400 --> 00:10:43,840 well 169 00:10:43,840 --> 00:10:50,480 We discussed it. I knew it was my decision. I wanted to continue seeing a counselor. No, we both said that 170 00:10:50,480 --> 00:10:52,480 You we did okay 171 00:10:52,560 --> 00:10:54,560 So it was a joint decision 172 00:10:55,040 --> 00:10:58,320 I wanted to continue my therapy because I see the value in it 173 00:10:59,120 --> 00:11:03,120 Whereas the last time it was like okay, i'm good. I'm better now 174 00:11:03,600 --> 00:11:05,600 It's just not 175 00:11:05,600 --> 00:11:07,600 How that works anyway 176 00:11:07,600 --> 00:11:09,600 so 177 00:11:09,600 --> 00:11:12,480 So anyway, i'm in therapy. I'm in a 178 00:11:12,880 --> 00:11:18,800 pornography recovery group and as of today's recording i'm 151 days 179 00:11:18,800 --> 00:11:20,400 151 days 180 00:11:20,400 --> 00:11:22,080 it's over 181 00:11:22,080 --> 00:11:27,280 From that from viewing pornography from using it. Oh, I remember what I was going to say the 182 00:11:27,900 --> 00:11:29,440 withdrawals 183 00:11:29,440 --> 00:11:31,600 Withdrawals were a real thing 184 00:11:31,600 --> 00:11:36,400 And it's I have to say that because it's so frustrating. There are a lot of people who justify and say 185 00:11:37,020 --> 00:11:39,040 Pornography is not the same as a hardcore drug 186 00:11:40,800 --> 00:11:41,920 But 187 00:11:41,920 --> 00:11:43,920 In a lot of ways it really is 188 00:11:43,920 --> 00:11:48,640 because the the effects that it has on your brain is almost identical and 189 00:11:49,760 --> 00:11:54,240 The withdrawal symptoms are not as strong, but they are still brutal 190 00:11:56,080 --> 00:12:01,920 And I went through withdrawals when I was in that other room and 191 00:12:05,920 --> 00:12:09,200 And that was the first time that I had really ever 192 00:12:09,200 --> 00:12:12,820 Ever contemplated ending my life 193 00:12:17,300 --> 00:12:23,780 It was rough it was a dangerous two weeks and they don't recommend going through withdrawals 194 00:12:25,060 --> 00:12:28,820 without a sponsor without a therapist without 195 00:12:30,500 --> 00:12:32,500 Safety 196 00:12:32,500 --> 00:12:39,460 Because it was I mean I looked up a way to do it 197 00:12:40,180 --> 00:12:43,700 You know it was and i'm not going to go into any other details, it's just i'm 198 00:12:44,420 --> 00:12:46,420 horrified that I got to that point but 199 00:12:47,540 --> 00:12:49,780 But it was so strong the emotional 200 00:12:50,980 --> 00:12:52,980 pain that I was in 201 00:12:52,980 --> 00:13:02,260 Was was brutal and it was because my my brain was so 202 00:13:03,140 --> 00:13:08,340 Used to having these these chemical releases and then I stopped 203 00:13:09,860 --> 00:13:11,540 um 204 00:13:11,540 --> 00:13:13,540 So anyway, yeah the withdrawals were 205 00:13:14,180 --> 00:13:16,180 It was brutal 206 00:13:16,580 --> 00:13:18,980 Um, let's let's let's talk about that 207 00:13:18,980 --> 00:13:26,500 What went through your mind you said we weren't throwing the divorce word around but 208 00:13:28,340 --> 00:13:30,340 What was going through your mind 209 00:13:30,740 --> 00:13:32,260 at the time 210 00:13:32,260 --> 00:13:34,260 Well, I just kept thinking 211 00:13:34,260 --> 00:13:36,740 You have got to figure out 212 00:13:37,620 --> 00:13:38,980 Your shit 213 00:13:38,980 --> 00:13:40,980 Yeah, like honestly 214 00:13:40,980 --> 00:13:45,700 Because in our entire marriage and this is this is something that we have talked about 215 00:13:45,700 --> 00:13:50,820 Many different times I am not the type of wife that's like you better earn this much money 216 00:13:50,820 --> 00:13:53,540 You better do this. You better get out there and you better 217 00:13:54,500 --> 00:13:56,500 I've always been more 218 00:13:56,980 --> 00:14:00,180 Live your life. What makes you happy? What brings you joy do that? 219 00:14:00,980 --> 00:14:04,340 I I love what I do. I've always loved what I do 220 00:14:04,900 --> 00:14:09,540 And if I don't love what I do, I change it so that I do love what I do 221 00:14:10,180 --> 00:14:12,180 so I feel like 222 00:14:12,180 --> 00:14:15,460 If you're doing what you love in life 223 00:14:16,020 --> 00:14:21,860 You will you will create the life that's meant for you whether that means monetary or 224 00:14:22,900 --> 00:14:27,700 Just joy in the simple simple life, whatever it is. It's 225 00:14:28,980 --> 00:14:30,980 So when you lost your job 226 00:14:31,460 --> 00:14:38,420 I know that was hard for you because in your head and this is where this is the societal influences really start to 227 00:14:38,420 --> 00:14:41,060 Take over. Yeah, because I'm the man 228 00:14:41,460 --> 00:14:45,700 I have to earn the money. Yeah, I can't I can't I have to provide for my family 229 00:14:46,180 --> 00:14:51,220 Even though you've been the breadwinner for years decades. Yeah years 230 00:14:51,940 --> 00:14:53,940 So I know that that's 231 00:14:54,580 --> 00:14:56,580 and that's where 232 00:14:57,220 --> 00:15:03,380 I've never agreed with that societal influence. There's a lot that I don't agree with on society and how they make 233 00:15:03,380 --> 00:15:07,540 dictate human lives drives me crazy actually 234 00:15:08,660 --> 00:15:12,980 So I know your thought I know what your thought process was during that time for you 235 00:15:12,980 --> 00:15:15,620 And it was a hard time for you. But for me, it's like 236 00:15:16,500 --> 00:15:23,140 We're fine. If it means we buy less clothes for everyone. We still have clothes. We're not destitute 237 00:15:23,700 --> 00:15:25,700 If it means we buy less 238 00:15:26,020 --> 00:15:28,020 entertainment less fun things 239 00:15:28,020 --> 00:15:30,020 But we're fine. We're fine 240 00:15:30,020 --> 00:15:36,100 If we buy less entertainment less fun things, but we still have food like we will have food 241 00:15:36,660 --> 00:15:40,420 We have a house that we live in that we can afford 242 00:15:41,460 --> 00:15:45,780 And still have groceries like food and shelter. That's what you need in life 243 00:15:46,340 --> 00:15:52,420 That's that's what you need. All the other stuff is fun and we like it and it makes life enjoyable 244 00:15:52,420 --> 00:15:58,820 But that's not what you you don't need it. That's not something that has to be there. Um 245 00:16:00,260 --> 00:16:03,860 So so for me during that time period I was just kind of like 246 00:16:05,380 --> 00:16:11,060 I was just I was following your lead more than anything like you you got no notice that you were going to be 247 00:16:12,420 --> 00:16:16,820 Your job was letting you go that you could apply for your job again 248 00:16:16,820 --> 00:16:23,460 Yeah, we had that discussion where you're like they're gonna hunger games us. Yeah, we had the hunger games for a job 249 00:16:24,260 --> 00:16:26,980 And and you were so mad at your company because you're like 250 00:16:27,780 --> 00:16:34,180 How dare they do it this way? This is stupid. This isn't how it should be and you know, i'm always devil's advocate advocate 251 00:16:34,180 --> 00:16:36,180 But i'm like, oh you added advocate 252 00:16:36,260 --> 00:16:38,260 I think you meant to just say 253 00:16:38,820 --> 00:16:40,820 To the devil. No, sorry going 254 00:16:41,460 --> 00:16:43,140 Yeah, I remember this vividly 255 00:16:43,140 --> 00:16:48,100 Yeah, because i'm like, well, how else do you think they're gonna do it? Like if they piss how else would they do if they pick? 256 00:16:48,180 --> 00:16:53,220 Their top six but three of them decide no and give them the finger then they just pissed off 257 00:16:54,420 --> 00:16:56,420 Others that could have been great 258 00:16:56,960 --> 00:17:00,660 Potential so i'm like how else are they supposed to do that made me so mad 259 00:17:01,620 --> 00:17:06,100 Because you didn't like the the fact that I looked at the brighter side or the other side of the coin or 260 00:17:06,100 --> 00:17:12,500 Which I do often in our marriage. So I don't know. I guess surprised at that but always 261 00:17:13,460 --> 00:17:19,540 But you just knew that that wasn't for you and you needed to go a different direction and honestly we both were feeling like 262 00:17:20,100 --> 00:17:22,600 I'm i'm a very i'm a very god-driven 263 00:17:23,380 --> 00:17:29,860 God knows us. He will if we're listening he will set us on the right path. Yeah, and 264 00:17:31,060 --> 00:17:34,580 And I did not have this was not a high point in my spirituality at this point 265 00:17:34,580 --> 00:17:36,820 But I still had what I have 266 00:17:39,140 --> 00:17:41,380 I did have a tenuous grip 267 00:17:42,100 --> 00:17:48,340 With my relationship with with god and I still had some communication and I did feel 268 00:17:49,620 --> 00:17:54,100 That the best choice for me at the time was to part ways 269 00:17:54,820 --> 00:17:56,820 and to take this the severance 270 00:17:57,380 --> 00:17:58,260 and 271 00:17:58,260 --> 00:17:59,780 and leave 272 00:17:59,780 --> 00:18:01,780 and funny story 273 00:18:01,780 --> 00:18:07,940 Two other people ended up doing that also and I was adamant. I'm not gonna I was the newest one there at five years 274 00:18:08,020 --> 00:18:10,020 Everyone else had been there 275 00:18:10,100 --> 00:18:12,100 way longer the next 276 00:18:12,900 --> 00:18:19,300 Least senior was nine years on the job before I got there. I was not going to try to hunger games against 277 00:18:20,260 --> 00:18:22,660 These amazing people well two of them 278 00:18:23,540 --> 00:18:29,140 Decided to leave and then there was another they ended up adding another position 279 00:18:29,140 --> 00:18:31,140 So there was a job open 280 00:18:31,460 --> 00:18:33,460 and I absolutely 281 00:18:33,460 --> 00:18:37,140 Would have would have gotten could have gone then I guess we shouldn't say would have but 282 00:18:38,020 --> 00:18:42,900 I mean it was in my area. It was my expertise. I don't know could have 283 00:18:43,460 --> 00:18:45,460 That's the funny part though 284 00:18:46,660 --> 00:18:51,780 We'll get to the good parts soon, but the good parts over the last four months 285 00:18:52,580 --> 00:18:57,300 When I'm when I was living my best life and the real details behind that 286 00:18:57,300 --> 00:18:58,500 I 287 00:18:58,500 --> 00:19:00,500 Wouldn't have had 288 00:19:00,500 --> 00:19:01,700 Right 289 00:19:01,700 --> 00:19:04,100 I wouldn't be on this journey to recovery 290 00:19:04,900 --> 00:19:06,900 Because I wouldn't have hit my rock bottom 291 00:19:08,020 --> 00:19:10,020 I wouldn't be 292 00:19:10,020 --> 00:19:11,300 working 293 00:19:11,300 --> 00:19:14,180 Where I am now, let's not say names of places 294 00:19:14,900 --> 00:19:16,900 just in case 295 00:19:18,900 --> 00:19:23,540 Yeah, I mean and it's a it's a much better job in terms of 296 00:19:23,540 --> 00:19:25,540 A lot of things 297 00:19:25,780 --> 00:19:27,780 and 298 00:19:30,500 --> 00:19:32,500 And I wouldn't have 299 00:19:33,540 --> 00:19:39,060 I wouldn't have a clean brain. I just wouldn't I I would still be addicted 300 00:19:40,500 --> 00:19:42,500 I didn't change my life 301 00:19:43,220 --> 00:19:45,220 Sorry continue 302 00:19:45,460 --> 00:19:46,900 No, I mean 303 00:19:46,900 --> 00:19:48,900 That's that's the funny thing is 304 00:19:48,900 --> 00:19:54,660 All of those things and the way that they happened and how it happened. I it was meant to be 305 00:19:55,220 --> 00:20:00,660 Yeah, that's just that's how it had to happen for you and for our marriage and for us 306 00:20:01,860 --> 00:20:03,860 That's where we both you get to this point 307 00:20:04,340 --> 00:20:06,340 We'll see how far that 308 00:20:07,380 --> 00:20:08,100 Nice 309 00:20:08,100 --> 00:20:10,500 Well, that's why we both felt right about that decision 310 00:20:11,220 --> 00:20:13,220 Apart ways 311 00:20:13,700 --> 00:20:16,660 I like I said, I was just trying to get to the good parts 312 00:20:16,660 --> 00:20:19,300 I like I said, I was just going more off of 313 00:20:20,020 --> 00:20:25,140 I was going more off of my spirituality my prayers and what I was receiving which was just 314 00:20:25,860 --> 00:20:27,860 Trust the process. Yeah 315 00:20:28,820 --> 00:20:32,020 But it's also one of those where I just know 316 00:20:33,140 --> 00:20:38,660 We're put down here to make choices. So there's no way i'm gonna take choices away from somebody else. Not my place 317 00:20:39,460 --> 00:20:43,060 So I had to trust that you did know what you were doing 318 00:20:44,020 --> 00:20:46,020 knowing that I 319 00:20:46,020 --> 00:20:48,260 Will always have my choices and 320 00:20:49,220 --> 00:20:52,820 Do what I know I can do I can only control what I can control 321 00:20:53,860 --> 00:20:55,860 Yeah, and that's when you 322 00:20:58,180 --> 00:21:03,940 When this all happened and I was in the other room and we were having conversations our dialogue was a lot of 323 00:21:04,900 --> 00:21:06,500 You kept saying 324 00:21:06,500 --> 00:21:08,500 I'm done 325 00:21:08,500 --> 00:21:11,620 But the way you were saying it it still wasn't like 326 00:21:12,260 --> 00:21:13,700 We're through 327 00:21:13,700 --> 00:21:20,260 I mean in my moment of going through the withdrawals and sheer panic. I was terrified that that's what it meant 328 00:21:21,540 --> 00:21:23,540 but looking back and realize it's 329 00:21:24,420 --> 00:21:26,580 You were saying it was an ultimatum really 330 00:21:27,620 --> 00:21:32,820 Um, it was it was an ultimatum. Yeah, you you were being mistreated because I 331 00:21:33,860 --> 00:21:35,860 Was just my attitude was unchecked 332 00:21:36,580 --> 00:21:38,580 My anger was unchecked 333 00:21:38,580 --> 00:21:39,940 I didn't 334 00:21:39,940 --> 00:21:41,940 admit that I have 335 00:21:41,940 --> 00:21:43,940 anger emotional issues 336 00:21:44,660 --> 00:21:49,380 And I've still had some flare-ups since then. I don't know if that's ever gonna go away 337 00:21:50,580 --> 00:21:52,580 I'm gonna have attitude 338 00:21:53,540 --> 00:21:55,540 I mean I live with 339 00:21:56,580 --> 00:21:58,580 Never mind, I love you very much 340 00:22:00,740 --> 00:22:03,300 You're a little antagonistic sometimes but anyway 341 00:22:05,460 --> 00:22:07,700 It's gonna it's gonna continue to happen but I knew 342 00:22:09,440 --> 00:22:11,220 Eventually 343 00:22:11,220 --> 00:22:13,220 I just I had to make changes 344 00:22:14,420 --> 00:22:20,100 If we wanted to stay as a married couple, yeah, you had to make some changes because I was done 345 00:22:20,660 --> 00:22:24,340 I was done pulling the weight. I was done repeating over and over 346 00:22:25,620 --> 00:22:27,620 Like pull your head out basically 347 00:22:28,420 --> 00:22:30,420 Or you would say 348 00:22:31,060 --> 00:22:33,060 That you're tired of not being equals 349 00:22:33,060 --> 00:22:40,660 And my my limited brain power and I'm not blaming the drug use of the pornography use 350 00:22:41,700 --> 00:22:43,700 But I did have limited brain power 351 00:22:44,180 --> 00:22:46,180 Well, and but I would see it as 352 00:22:47,060 --> 00:22:53,540 Your limiting beliefs were societal beliefs. Yeah, you're limiting beliefs where that's how you were raised 353 00:22:53,620 --> 00:22:55,620 That's what you believed to be you didn't 354 00:22:56,660 --> 00:23:01,300 Again, it comes down to that mindset and we've talked about that in our previous podcast. Yeah 355 00:23:01,300 --> 00:23:07,060 That it's it's like you don't understand how I just am able to do these things. Yeah, because you just can't 356 00:23:07,620 --> 00:23:13,460 And I hate that word can't so when you yeah, I do too now you do. So when you yeah when you said 357 00:23:14,580 --> 00:23:21,300 We're not equals. I was like, but I I put you on a pedestal. I talk about you in the most amazing ways 358 00:23:21,300 --> 00:23:23,300 I don't put you down and I 359 00:23:23,780 --> 00:23:25,780 Didn't realize 360 00:23:25,780 --> 00:23:27,780 That's not what it's about 361 00:23:27,780 --> 00:23:31,540 There was so much more to it, but I just was so limited 362 00:23:32,660 --> 00:23:34,180 from my 363 00:23:34,180 --> 00:23:37,300 From my beliefs my mindset was in the wrong place 364 00:23:38,820 --> 00:23:40,820 I mean 365 00:23:40,900 --> 00:23:46,100 I mean, that's why that's why we got in the fight that day that you threw a garbage can at my car 366 00:23:48,660 --> 00:23:50,660 Because in your mind 367 00:23:51,460 --> 00:23:53,460 When I had asked you to do something 368 00:23:54,740 --> 00:23:56,100 I 369 00:23:56,100 --> 00:24:01,700 Was the nagging nitpicking wife who didn't understand you had things? 370 00:24:03,780 --> 00:24:05,780 and 371 00:24:06,340 --> 00:24:12,980 That was just another one of those times where it was like what in the world for me I was like 372 00:24:15,380 --> 00:24:17,380 It was the mindset thing 373 00:24:18,900 --> 00:24:20,420 and 374 00:24:20,420 --> 00:24:24,580 As you said go do this thing go put the go put the sticker 375 00:24:24,580 --> 00:24:26,580 Go put the sticker 376 00:24:26,660 --> 00:24:33,380 On the car the registration sticker would come in the mail and we had decided because he was driving a company car before so 377 00:24:33,700 --> 00:24:37,620 Lost his job doesn't have a car. So it was like well, i'm just at work eight hours a day 378 00:24:38,100 --> 00:24:43,940 If you need the car, we'll just you'll drop me off and then you'll have the car. Yeah, I I don't need it 379 00:24:45,220 --> 00:24:50,180 And uh, so that's kind of what we had discussed and this was literally the first day you were about to do that 380 00:24:50,180 --> 00:24:56,420 Was to take me to work and drop me off and keep the car. Yeah, and the registration sticker had come in the mail 381 00:24:56,980 --> 00:25:02,340 And so I was still I mean he was literally going to be walking out the door with me to take me to work 382 00:25:02,340 --> 00:25:06,420 So I was still getting my lunch ready and I just handed him the sticker and said can you go put this on the car? 383 00:25:06,980 --> 00:25:10,020 like thinking i'll be right behind you because i'm coming 384 00:25:11,060 --> 00:25:15,700 And you put the sticker in your pocket walked past me and went to your office and I was like 385 00:25:15,700 --> 00:25:18,980 What what what are you right? 386 00:25:19,780 --> 00:25:21,780 and so then I 387 00:25:21,780 --> 00:25:25,060 Have my lunch together and I called out to you 388 00:25:25,860 --> 00:25:27,860 You've taken me to work 389 00:25:28,100 --> 00:25:30,100 And you came back out and I was like 390 00:25:30,660 --> 00:25:34,900 Don't just stick that sticker in your pocket and then forget all about it. Go put it on the car. Yeah 391 00:25:35,380 --> 00:25:37,380 And you were so mad at me 392 00:25:38,020 --> 00:25:39,540 For telling you what to do 393 00:25:39,540 --> 00:25:41,540 And then because I was gonna do it 394 00:25:41,540 --> 00:25:46,260 Because you were gonna do it and in your head you weren't gonna forget but you know 21 years of being married to you 395 00:25:46,260 --> 00:25:51,460 I was like, yeah. No, it's not that's not how that usually works in my experience 396 00:25:51,460 --> 00:25:57,060 It was a really funny joke that that men share at least the ones who admit that we've got issues 397 00:25:58,020 --> 00:26:04,420 Is that yeah, you don't have to keep asking us to do what you asked us to do like 398 00:26:04,980 --> 00:26:06,980 Every six months. We'll we'll do it 399 00:26:08,420 --> 00:26:09,460 Yeah 400 00:26:09,460 --> 00:26:11,780 Yeah, exactly. Yeah 401 00:26:12,500 --> 00:26:18,820 So I was yeah, I was visibly I was not happy that you had literally walked past me and 402 00:26:19,700 --> 00:26:21,700 Because in my mind i'm thinking 403 00:26:22,180 --> 00:26:28,420 Whatever you got whatever damn email you got that you think is that important that you had to go see it in? 404 00:26:28,980 --> 00:26:33,300 The threes you can't even do what you needed to do with that email in the three seconds you had 405 00:26:33,780 --> 00:26:35,780 But you could have put the sticker on the car 406 00:26:35,780 --> 00:26:39,460 Because you're gonna have to come home and deal with that email. Anyway, you don't have time. You're taking me to work 407 00:26:40,020 --> 00:26:42,020 That's another thing is prioritization 408 00:26:42,740 --> 00:26:46,260 Yeah, you sucked at it could not prioritize properly 409 00:26:46,980 --> 00:26:51,220 Because I couldn't look at things rationally, right and determine what 410 00:26:52,260 --> 00:26:58,420 What realistically has to go first, right? Because it would give me anxiety. So I was like no, I can't do that. Yeah 411 00:26:59,460 --> 00:27:02,820 So, yeah, I didn't even like I was thinking in my head 412 00:27:02,820 --> 00:27:06,580 I was thinking you gotta grab a bottle of 413 00:27:07,140 --> 00:27:13,460 Spray and and a paper towel so you can clean the license plate off to put the sticker on that was like that was the extent 414 00:27:13,460 --> 00:27:15,460 Like it might take you a minute longer 415 00:27:16,180 --> 00:27:20,580 I had not even realized you had just driven through the car wash moments before 416 00:27:21,860 --> 00:27:22,660 Yeah 417 00:27:22,660 --> 00:27:26,660 So literally all you had to do was take the sticker on the stupid license plate, right? 418 00:27:27,620 --> 00:27:28,820 and 419 00:27:28,820 --> 00:27:30,820 It didn't happen and then 420 00:27:30,820 --> 00:27:33,780 It didn't happen and then things blew up 421 00:27:34,980 --> 00:27:36,980 Well, you went out there and did it 422 00:27:38,180 --> 00:27:43,380 But it was one of those where I when I was getting in the car I was like why did why was that a fight? 423 00:27:43,460 --> 00:27:45,460 Why did that happen? 424 00:27:45,700 --> 00:27:47,220 but 425 00:27:47,220 --> 00:27:49,940 Afterwards over the next couple of weeks 426 00:27:51,300 --> 00:27:53,700 And we started to hash things out 427 00:27:54,340 --> 00:27:56,340 We revisited that argument 428 00:27:57,440 --> 00:27:59,440 Multiple times 429 00:27:59,440 --> 00:28:01,440 and 430 00:28:01,680 --> 00:28:05,440 It doesn't I mean there are times I can't even remember what it was about 431 00:28:06,160 --> 00:28:11,920 Until just a minute ago when you started talking about it. I had forgotten that it was about the stupid registration sticker 432 00:28:12,880 --> 00:28:14,880 because it was 433 00:28:15,200 --> 00:28:19,680 It wasn't the thing it was the reaction. It was the emotional blow up 434 00:28:21,120 --> 00:28:23,120 And it was 435 00:28:24,800 --> 00:28:27,600 It was just such poor stress management 436 00:28:27,600 --> 00:28:32,640 You know because I had I I started working for this other company 437 00:28:33,280 --> 00:28:35,280 I was making 438 00:28:35,280 --> 00:28:37,280 Nothing stupid money just 439 00:28:37,920 --> 00:28:40,960 Nothing paperboy kind of money. It was bad 440 00:28:41,840 --> 00:28:44,720 So I was stressed. Yeah, and you were still telling me 441 00:28:45,520 --> 00:28:49,200 It's not about that, right? And I was like, okay. I know that and that's great 442 00:28:50,240 --> 00:28:53,600 But still in my head, I'm like I have to make this work. I made 400 bucks this week 443 00:28:53,600 --> 00:28:57,600 Yeah 444 00:28:57,600 --> 00:28:59,600 Yeah 445 00:28:59,600 --> 00:29:04,160 But that's that's the thing with addiction is what happens and I knew 446 00:29:04,880 --> 00:29:09,040 I always knew when things were off. We always you always know when things are off 447 00:29:09,520 --> 00:29:14,560 Yeah, but you think that you're communicating you figure to communicating about the right things 448 00:29:15,520 --> 00:29:18,720 And you I mean you simply do you you don't know what you don't know 449 00:29:18,720 --> 00:29:25,760 What you don't know, but there was a time when I would just I would do the bare minimum I would communicate 450 00:29:27,200 --> 00:29:31,520 Enough enough so that it felt okay, and then we were good again 451 00:29:32,720 --> 00:29:34,720 And we were and it was enough 452 00:29:35,520 --> 00:29:37,760 Yeah, because that's the other thing is 453 00:29:38,640 --> 00:29:41,200 you come home from your therapies with your 454 00:29:41,820 --> 00:29:44,320 therapists or in the group therapies and you'll be like 455 00:29:44,320 --> 00:29:49,040 You really are just amazing. You're still with me. So many other guys have this other problem and 456 00:29:49,520 --> 00:29:51,520 Honestly in my head. I'm thinking 457 00:29:52,160 --> 00:29:54,160 I'm not a saint 458 00:29:54,160 --> 00:29:56,160 I'm not perfect 459 00:29:56,160 --> 00:29:58,160 You deal with me 460 00:29:58,160 --> 00:30:00,160 antagonistic and all 461 00:30:00,160 --> 00:30:02,160 So who am I to start casting? 462 00:30:02,960 --> 00:30:04,960 stones 463 00:30:04,960 --> 00:30:06,960 I mean 464 00:30:07,760 --> 00:30:12,800 I'm not the pot. I'm not gonna call the kettle black like I'm not perfect 465 00:30:12,800 --> 00:30:14,800 I'm not perfect 466 00:30:16,480 --> 00:30:18,480 But we all want to 467 00:30:21,360 --> 00:30:23,360 Villify I don't know 468 00:30:25,680 --> 00:30:27,680 Well, we'll think about that 469 00:30:28,000 --> 00:30:30,720 Yeah, because I'm really sorry 470 00:30:31,440 --> 00:30:33,440 But we've reached the end of this episode 471 00:30:33,840 --> 00:30:35,840 Um, can I give a shout out? 472 00:30:35,840 --> 00:30:43,120 Is that all right have your permission okay, um shout out to my my dear friend Danny 473 00:30:44,960 --> 00:30:46,960 We were mission companions together 474 00:30:47,920 --> 00:30:49,920 He is 475 00:30:49,760 --> 00:30:54,640 One of the most delightful people on the earth absolute saint of a man 476 00:30:55,200 --> 00:30:57,200 amazing father 477 00:30:57,600 --> 00:31:01,120 Reached out and said you guys are killing it with your podcast and he's 478 00:31:01,840 --> 00:31:03,040 He listens 479 00:31:03,040 --> 00:31:05,040 Every time I'm on the air 480 00:31:05,040 --> 00:31:07,040 He listens every week. He loves it 481 00:31:07,680 --> 00:31:12,640 Um, thanks for listening friend. We really appreciate it. We love you one 482 00:31:13,920 --> 00:31:15,520 That's all it takes 483 00:31:15,520 --> 00:31:17,520 He's the only reason i'm doing this. Okay 484 00:31:18,480 --> 00:31:22,640 No, this is like therapy this that's the reason i'm doing this so we will be back 485 00:31:23,200 --> 00:31:26,800 For us, it's going to be five seconds, but for you, it's a week. So ha ha 486 00:31:27,520 --> 00:31:30,880 Um, but thank you for listening and we'll see you next week 487 00:31:30,880 --> 00:31:34,880 Bye