You know, it's funny, isn't it?
It feels like these days, we're just bombarded with stuff.
Information, distractions, you name it.
Oh, absolutely.
You're probably listening to this right now
and also checking email or doing a million things at once.
Multitasking, the modern way.
Exactly.
Yeah.
And this might sound a little counterintuitive,
but in this crazy world, I think maybe the most important skill,
the thing we could all get better at, is listening.
Mm.
There's something to that.
And that's what we're deep diving into today.
Not just hearing, but the art of actually listening actively.
Right, because there's a big difference.
Huge.
And our listener this time gave us a mix of articles,
book recommendations, the whole work.
So we've got to distill it down.
What makes for good listening?
And then, even better, how do we actually do it,
make it happen in our lives?
Yeah, because you can read all about it, but actually applying it,
that's the tricky part.
Totally.
So to kick us off, maybe we should start with the basics.
I mean, when we say active listening, what are we really talking about?
It's more than just your ears working.
It's being present, like really present.
Not just in the room, but mentally, emotionally, everything.
So it's about connecting with the person, not just the words, right?
Exactly.
It says back and forth.
You're absorbing what they're saying, but you're also
thinking about what it means, how they feel,
and how you're going to respond to show you get it.
OK, so there's a lot going on.
And this is where I think it gets fascinating, the science of it all.
What's happening in our brains when we actually listen well?
Well, there's a whole bunch of brain areas firing up.
Obviously, your auditory cortex, that's handling the sounds,
the words themselves.
But then you've got the limbic system, right?
That's emotions.
Oh, so we're not just processing words.
We're feeling them too.
Totally.
And then the prefrontal cortex, that's like your brain's CEO.
It's analyzing everything, connecting it to what you already know,
figuring out how to respond.
So it's a full-on brain workout, not just passively taking in sounds.
For sure.
And when we listen well, that connection you were talking about,
it deepens, builds rapport, strengthens relationships.
It's powerful stuff.
But let's be real.
In this day and age, it's tough to listen well, right?
Our brains are pulled in a million directions.
Oh, yeah.
All the sources you sent, they all talk about this, these barriers
to good listening.
OK, so what are we up against here?
What's getting in the way of us really listening?
Well, I think we can group these barriers into a few main categories.
First one, that's the obvious one, technology.
Phones, laptops, notifications pinging every two seconds.
It's a constant battle for our attention.
Oh, yeah.
It's like we're wired to be distracted these days.
And then on top of that, you have multitasking.
We think we're good at it, but honestly, our brains
aren't wired for doing multiple things well at the same time.
So if you're trying to listen while doing five other things,
something's going to suffer.
And then just the sheer volume of information coming at us every day.
It's overwhelming.
Information overload is a real thing.
It makes it so hard to focus on any one conversation,
to really listen deeply.
It's like trying to appreciate one song when there's a hundred others playing
at the same time.
OK, so we've got these external forces, the tech, the multitasking,
the information overload.
But it's not just the outside world, right?
I'm guessing our own thoughts and feelings, they can get in the way too.
Oh, absolutely.
It's not just the external stuff.
It's our internal world too.
And sometimes those are even sneakier because we might not even
realize they're happening.
OK, I'm ready to get into that.
So what are some of those emotional or psychological barriers
that mess up our listening?
Well, a big one is our own biases.
Right.
We already have an idea about something or someone,
and we might dismiss what they're saying before they even finish.
We're not really listening.
We're just filtering everything through our own lens.
We've already made up our minds before they even get a chance.
Exactly.
And then there's defensiveness.
If we feel attacked or threatened, we shut down.
We're not listening to understand.
We're just ready to argue back.
So if we're not in a good headspace, it's probably not
going to be listening well either.
Totally.
And then you've got stress, emotional distress, all that.
When you're overwhelmed, it's hard to be there for someone else.
Your own stuff is just drowning everything out.
It's like trying to appreciate a symphony when you have a headache.
Yeah.
It's just not going to happen.
Perfect analogy.
And then we can't forget about the physical environment, too.
It's easy to overlook.
But where you're having a conversation, that
can make a difference, too.
Oh, interesting.
I hadn't thought much about that.
Tell me more about these physical barriers to listening.
I mean, the most obvious one is noise, right?
Like if you're trying to have a conversation
and there's construction going on or you're in a loud cafe.
Yeah, or like traffic noise.
Exactly.
All that background noise makes it so much harder
to actually focus on the words the other person is saying.
You know, like you might miss important details
or just completely lose track of what they're saying.
It's like your brain is working overtime just to hear them,
never mind understand what they mean.
Yeah, and it's tiring, even if you don't realize it.
It takes mental energy to filter out all that extra noise.
And then on top of the actual sounds,
there are visual distractions, too.
Anything that catches your eye can pull your attention away
from the speaker.
Oh, for sure.
Especially if it's something like, I don't know,
a TV screen or someone walking by.
Yeah.
Our brains are wired to pay attention to new things,
so it's almost like an instinct to look at that stuff.
And then sometimes, even if you're really trying to listen,
if the actual setup is bad, it's just hard to hear.
Like if you're too far away from the person
or the room has bad acoustics.
Right, like echoing or something.
Yeah, and that can lead to all sorts of problems,
misunderstandings, frustration.
It just breaks down the whole conversation.
So yeah, we've got these external barriers.
But then, like we were saying, there are the internal ones,
too.
OK, so we've got this whole web of things working against us
when it comes to listening.
It's kind of daunting.
But also, I feel like just knowing about these barriers,
that's got to be helpful, right?
Definitely.
Recognizing them is the first step.
And the good news is, all the stuff you sent,
it's full of advice on how to actually get better
at listening.
And it's not like some magical talent you either have or don't.
It's a skill.
You can learn it.
OK, good, because I need all the help I can get.
Yeah.
So what's in this listening toolkit?
How do we actually improve?
Well, first, let's go back to those active listening
techniques.
Focusing on the speaker, that's huge.
And I know it sounds obvious, but honestly, think about it.
How often do you really do that?
Yeah, no, I get it.
Like putting your phone down, closing your laptop,
actually turning to face the person.
All of that.
It sends the message that what they're saying matters.
That they matter.
You're giving them your full attention,
not just half listening while mentally planning
your grocery list.
Exactly.
And remember, it's not just about absorbing what they say.
It's a back and forth.
So give feedback as you're listening.
Say things like, I see, or that makes sense.
Or even just summarize what you've
heard to make sure you're on the same page.
So it's an active process, not just sitting there silently.
Right.
And don't underestimate the power of nonverbal stuff, too.
Nodding, making eye contact, your body language, all of that
shows you're engaged.
It's like a dance, almost, between the speaker
and the listener.
You're both creating the conversation together.
I like that.
And to keep that dance going, ask questions.
Clarifying questions.
Can you tell me more about that?
Or what did you mean when you said?
That shows you're really trying to understand
their perspective, not just waiting for your turn to talk.
It makes it feel less like a lecture
and more like a genuine conversation.
All right, now this next one might sound a little out there,
but it's actually really helpful.
Bringing mindfulness into your listening.
It's about being present in the moment without judging.
I'm intrigued, but also my mind wanders all the time.
How do you actually do that?
Be mindful when you're listening.
It's a practice, like anything else.
One thing that helps is to take a few deep breaths
before you start talking to someone,
just to calm yourself down, center yourself.
And if you notice your mind wandering
during the conversation, just gently bring it back.
So it's not about stopping your thoughts completely,
just noticing them and refocusing.
Exactly.
And speaking of noticing, let's talk
about nonverbal communication.
It's not just what's being said, but how it's being said
and how you react as the listener.
Oh, yeah, like body language, facial expressions,
tone of voice.
All that stuff adds so much to what's being said.
Huge.
Like a furrowed brow that can mean confusion,
or someone leaning in that might show they're really interested.
Paying attention to those cues, it
helps you understand the speaker's true feelings.
It's like learning a whole new language, the language
of unspoken communication.
And once you start paying attention,
it's amazing how much richer your conversations become.
All right, let's move on to a technique
that can really take your listening to the next level.
It's called reflective listening.
OK, what's that?
It's basically you paraphrase what the speaker has said
to show that you understand and to validate their feelings.
So like, if someone's telling me about a problem
they're having at work, I might say,
that sounds really frustrating.
Exactly.
Just acknowledging what they're going through
can make a big difference.
You're not trying to fix anything, just letting
them know you hear them.
You're holding space for their emotions.
Sometimes that's all someone needs.
Now, here is a tough one.
The art of not interrupting, let's be honest, we all do it.
But it can really derail a conversation.
Oh, my gosh, yes.
I'm so guilty of this.
Like, my brain gets so excited.
I just want to jump in with my own thoughts
before the other person has even finished.
I know, right?
And it usually comes from a good place.
You're enthusiastic.
You want to connect.
But it's important to learn to control that impulse.
One thing you can try is, if you feel that urge to interrupt,
just take a deep breath, hold it for a second.
Or jot down your thoughts so you don't forget it,
but let the speaker finish.
It's about respecting their space,
letting them get their whole thought out
without feeling rushed.
And honestly, when you do that, you
might find that what they were going to say
was even more interesting than you thought.
And you know what?
This whole idea of listening, well, it's not just
about one-on-one conversations.
It applies to whole communities, workplaces, everything.
Building a listening culture, that's powerful stuff.
So what does that even look like, a listening culture?
Imagine a workplace where people actually
listen to each other's ideas, where feedback is valued
and conflicts are resolved through respectful conversation
instead of arguments.
It sounds so much more productive and peaceful,
honestly.
And in communities, a listening culture,
it creates understanding, empathy, connection.
You're open to hearing from people
who are different from you.
So it's not just about individual skills.
It's about a shared commitment to listening.
I love that.
And to help us all keep learning about this,
let's talk about some of those resources you send.
There are some amazing books and podcasts out there.
Yes.
Give us the recommendations.
I'm sure our listener is eager to hear about them.
All right, so one that really stood out to me,
it's called You're Not Listening by Kate Murphy.
Catchy title.
Right.
And it's so good.
It's all about why listening matters so much,
especially now with all the distractions and everything.
OK, that's going on the list.
What else?
There's another one, Just Listen by Mark Goldston.
It's super practical, actual techniques
you can use to get better at listening and communicating.
Oh, perfect.
Because we've talked about all these concepts,
but it's like, OK, now how do I actually do it?
Exactly.
And Goldston, he gives you those tools.
Plus, he talks about different communication styles,
how to deal with difficult conversations, all that stuff.
So it's like a communication toolbox.
Love it.
And if you're looking for something a little more,
I don't know, academic, The Lost Art of Listening
by Michael P. Nichols is a classic.
OK, I've heard of that one.
It's pretty dense, though, right?
Yeah, it's definitely more in depth.
He goes into the psychology of listening,
how we interpret things, all the nonverbal cues, all that.
But it's really insightful.
I might have to check that one out from the library.
What about podcasts?
Any good ones for people who are on the go?
Oh, yeah, tons.
The Art of Charm, they have some great episodes
on listening skills.
They interview all these experts,
so you get different perspectives.
Oh, cool.
I'll have to look that up.
And then there's one called The Listening Project.
It's all about the power of listening.
They have all these different people on, sharing their stories.
It's really moving.
It's like a window into other people's lives.
Exactly.
And if you want something more structured,
there are workshops and online courses on listening, too.
So basically, there's no excuse not to get better at this.
There's a way for everyone to learn.
Exactly.
The point is, becoming a better listener,
it's an ongoing process.
You're never done.
Yeah.
It's like anything else.
You've got to keep practicing.
But the cool thing is, even small improvements
can make a huge difference.
Your relationships get better.
There are fewer misunderstandings.
You're just more empathetic and compassionate.
So it's not about being perfect.
Just making that effort.
And on that note, I'm going to leave you
with something to think about.
Think of a recent conversation that, I don't know,
maybe didn't go so well.
And ask yourself, could better listening have changed things?
Could it have made a difference?
Ooh, that's a good one.
It makes you really examine your own listening habits.
It's been a pleasure, as always, diving into this stuff with you.
And thank you to our listener for sending
in such interesting material.
Yes, thank you.
Until next time, everyone, keep listening.