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You know, it's funny, isn't it?

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It feels like these days, we're just bombarded with stuff.

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Information, distractions, you name it.

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Oh, absolutely.

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You're probably listening to this right now

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and also checking email or doing a million things at once.

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Multitasking, the modern way.

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Exactly.

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Yeah.

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And this might sound a little counterintuitive,

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but in this crazy world, I think maybe the most important skill,

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the thing we could all get better at, is listening.

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Mm.

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There's something to that.

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And that's what we're deep diving into today.

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Not just hearing, but the art of actually listening actively.

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Right, because there's a big difference.

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Huge.

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And our listener this time gave us a mix of articles,

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book recommendations, the whole work.

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So we've got to distill it down.

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What makes for good listening?

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And then, even better, how do we actually do it,

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make it happen in our lives?

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Yeah, because you can read all about it, but actually applying it,

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that's the tricky part.

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Totally.

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So to kick us off, maybe we should start with the basics.

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I mean, when we say active listening, what are we really talking about?

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It's more than just your ears working.

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It's being present, like really present.

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Not just in the room, but mentally, emotionally, everything.

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So it's about connecting with the person, not just the words, right?

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Exactly.

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It says back and forth.

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You're absorbing what they're saying, but you're also

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thinking about what it means, how they feel,

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and how you're going to respond to show you get it.

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OK, so there's a lot going on.

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And this is where I think it gets fascinating, the science of it all.

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What's happening in our brains when we actually listen well?

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Well, there's a whole bunch of brain areas firing up.

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Obviously, your auditory cortex, that's handling the sounds,

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the words themselves.

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But then you've got the limbic system, right?

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That's emotions.

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Oh, so we're not just processing words.

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We're feeling them too.

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Totally.

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And then the prefrontal cortex, that's like your brain's CEO.

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It's analyzing everything, connecting it to what you already know,

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figuring out how to respond.

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So it's a full-on brain workout, not just passively taking in sounds.

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For sure.

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And when we listen well, that connection you were talking about,

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it deepens, builds rapport, strengthens relationships.

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It's powerful stuff.

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But let's be real.

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In this day and age, it's tough to listen well, right?

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Our brains are pulled in a million directions.

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Oh, yeah.

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All the sources you sent, they all talk about this, these barriers

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to good listening.

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OK, so what are we up against here?

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What's getting in the way of us really listening?

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Well, I think we can group these barriers into a few main categories.

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First one, that's the obvious one, technology.

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Phones, laptops, notifications pinging every two seconds.

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It's a constant battle for our attention.

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Oh, yeah.

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It's like we're wired to be distracted these days.

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And then on top of that, you have multitasking.

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We think we're good at it, but honestly, our brains

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aren't wired for doing multiple things well at the same time.

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So if you're trying to listen while doing five other things,

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something's going to suffer.

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And then just the sheer volume of information coming at us every day.

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It's overwhelming.

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Information overload is a real thing.

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It makes it so hard to focus on any one conversation,

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to really listen deeply.

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It's like trying to appreciate one song when there's a hundred others playing

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at the same time.

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OK, so we've got these external forces, the tech, the multitasking,

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the information overload.

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But it's not just the outside world, right?

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I'm guessing our own thoughts and feelings, they can get in the way too.

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Oh, absolutely.

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It's not just the external stuff.

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It's our internal world too.

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And sometimes those are even sneakier because we might not even

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realize they're happening.

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OK, I'm ready to get into that.

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So what are some of those emotional or psychological barriers

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that mess up our listening?

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Well, a big one is our own biases.

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Right.

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We already have an idea about something or someone,

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and we might dismiss what they're saying before they even finish.

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We're not really listening.

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We're just filtering everything through our own lens.

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We've already made up our minds before they even get a chance.

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Exactly.

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And then there's defensiveness.

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If we feel attacked or threatened, we shut down.

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We're not listening to understand.

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We're just ready to argue back.

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So if we're not in a good headspace, it's probably not

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going to be listening well either.

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Totally.

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And then you've got stress, emotional distress, all that.

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When you're overwhelmed, it's hard to be there for someone else.

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Your own stuff is just drowning everything out.

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It's like trying to appreciate a symphony when you have a headache.

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Yeah.

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It's just not going to happen.

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Perfect analogy.

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And then we can't forget about the physical environment, too.

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It's easy to overlook.

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But where you're having a conversation, that

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can make a difference, too.

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Oh, interesting.

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I hadn't thought much about that.

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Tell me more about these physical barriers to listening.

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I mean, the most obvious one is noise, right?

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Like if you're trying to have a conversation

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and there's construction going on or you're in a loud cafe.

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Yeah, or like traffic noise.

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Exactly.

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All that background noise makes it so much harder

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to actually focus on the words the other person is saying.

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You know, like you might miss important details

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or just completely lose track of what they're saying.

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It's like your brain is working overtime just to hear them,

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never mind understand what they mean.

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Yeah, and it's tiring, even if you don't realize it.

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It takes mental energy to filter out all that extra noise.

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And then on top of the actual sounds,

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there are visual distractions, too.

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Anything that catches your eye can pull your attention away

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from the speaker.

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Oh, for sure.

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Especially if it's something like, I don't know,

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a TV screen or someone walking by.

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Yeah.

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Our brains are wired to pay attention to new things,

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so it's almost like an instinct to look at that stuff.

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And then sometimes, even if you're really trying to listen,

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if the actual setup is bad, it's just hard to hear.

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Like if you're too far away from the person

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or the room has bad acoustics.

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Right, like echoing or something.

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Yeah, and that can lead to all sorts of problems,

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misunderstandings, frustration.

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It just breaks down the whole conversation.

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So yeah, we've got these external barriers.

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But then, like we were saying, there are the internal ones,

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too.

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OK, so we've got this whole web of things working against us

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when it comes to listening.

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It's kind of daunting.

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But also, I feel like just knowing about these barriers,

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that's got to be helpful, right?

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Definitely.

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Recognizing them is the first step.

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And the good news is, all the stuff you sent,

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it's full of advice on how to actually get better

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at listening.

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And it's not like some magical talent you either have or don't.

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It's a skill.

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You can learn it.

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OK, good, because I need all the help I can get.

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Yeah.

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So what's in this listening toolkit?

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How do we actually improve?

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Well, first, let's go back to those active listening

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techniques.

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Focusing on the speaker, that's huge.

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And I know it sounds obvious, but honestly, think about it.

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How often do you really do that?

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Yeah, no, I get it.

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Like putting your phone down, closing your laptop,

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actually turning to face the person.

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All of that.

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It sends the message that what they're saying matters.

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That they matter.

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You're giving them your full attention,

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not just half listening while mentally planning

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your grocery list.

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Exactly.

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And remember, it's not just about absorbing what they say.

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It's a back and forth.

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So give feedback as you're listening.

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Say things like, I see, or that makes sense.

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Or even just summarize what you've

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heard to make sure you're on the same page.

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So it's an active process, not just sitting there silently.

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Right.

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And don't underestimate the power of nonverbal stuff, too.

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Nodding, making eye contact, your body language, all of that

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shows you're engaged.

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It's like a dance, almost, between the speaker

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and the listener.

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You're both creating the conversation together.

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I like that.

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And to keep that dance going, ask questions.

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Clarifying questions.

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Can you tell me more about that?

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Or what did you mean when you said?

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That shows you're really trying to understand

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their perspective, not just waiting for your turn to talk.

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It makes it feel less like a lecture

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and more like a genuine conversation.

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All right, now this next one might sound a little out there,

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but it's actually really helpful.

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Bringing mindfulness into your listening.

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It's about being present in the moment without judging.

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I'm intrigued, but also my mind wanders all the time.

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How do you actually do that?

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Be mindful when you're listening.

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It's a practice, like anything else.

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One thing that helps is to take a few deep breaths

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before you start talking to someone,

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just to calm yourself down, center yourself.

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And if you notice your mind wandering

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during the conversation, just gently bring it back.

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So it's not about stopping your thoughts completely,

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just noticing them and refocusing.

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Exactly.

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And speaking of noticing, let's talk

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about nonverbal communication.

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It's not just what's being said, but how it's being said

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and how you react as the listener.

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Oh, yeah, like body language, facial expressions,

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tone of voice.

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All that stuff adds so much to what's being said.

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Huge.

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Like a furrowed brow that can mean confusion,

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or someone leaning in that might show they're really interested.

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Paying attention to those cues, it

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helps you understand the speaker's true feelings.

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It's like learning a whole new language, the language

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of unspoken communication.

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And once you start paying attention,

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it's amazing how much richer your conversations become.

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All right, let's move on to a technique

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that can really take your listening to the next level.

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It's called reflective listening.

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OK, what's that?

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It's basically you paraphrase what the speaker has said

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to show that you understand and to validate their feelings.

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So like, if someone's telling me about a problem

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they're having at work, I might say,

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that sounds really frustrating.

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Exactly.

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Just acknowledging what they're going through

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can make a big difference.

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You're not trying to fix anything, just letting

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them know you hear them.

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You're holding space for their emotions.

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Sometimes that's all someone needs.

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Now, here is a tough one.

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The art of not interrupting, let's be honest, we all do it.

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But it can really derail a conversation.

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Oh, my gosh, yes.

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I'm so guilty of this.

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Like, my brain gets so excited.

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I just want to jump in with my own thoughts

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before the other person has even finished.

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I know, right?

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And it usually comes from a good place.

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You're enthusiastic.

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You want to connect.

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But it's important to learn to control that impulse.

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One thing you can try is, if you feel that urge to interrupt,

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just take a deep breath, hold it for a second.

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Or jot down your thoughts so you don't forget it,

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but let the speaker finish.

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It's about respecting their space,

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letting them get their whole thought out

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without feeling rushed.

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And honestly, when you do that, you

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might find that what they were going to say

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was even more interesting than you thought.

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And you know what?

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This whole idea of listening, well, it's not just

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about one-on-one conversations.

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It applies to whole communities, workplaces, everything.

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Building a listening culture, that's powerful stuff.

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So what does that even look like, a listening culture?

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Imagine a workplace where people actually

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listen to each other's ideas, where feedback is valued

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and conflicts are resolved through respectful conversation

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instead of arguments.

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It sounds so much more productive and peaceful,

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honestly.

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And in communities, a listening culture,

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it creates understanding, empathy, connection.

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You're open to hearing from people

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who are different from you.

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So it's not just about individual skills.

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It's about a shared commitment to listening.

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I love that.

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And to help us all keep learning about this,

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let's talk about some of those resources you send.

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There are some amazing books and podcasts out there.

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Yes.

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Give us the recommendations.

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I'm sure our listener is eager to hear about them.

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All right, so one that really stood out to me,

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it's called You're Not Listening by Kate Murphy.

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Catchy title.

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Right.

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And it's so good.

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It's all about why listening matters so much,

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especially now with all the distractions and everything.

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OK, that's going on the list.

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What else?

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There's another one, Just Listen by Mark Goldston.

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It's super practical, actual techniques

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you can use to get better at listening and communicating.

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Oh, perfect.

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Because we've talked about all these concepts,

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but it's like, OK, now how do I actually do it?

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Exactly.

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And Goldston, he gives you those tools.

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Plus, he talks about different communication styles,

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how to deal with difficult conversations, all that stuff.

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So it's like a communication toolbox.

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Love it.

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And if you're looking for something a little more,

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I don't know, academic, The Lost Art of Listening

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by Michael P. Nichols is a classic.

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OK, I've heard of that one.

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It's pretty dense, though, right?

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Yeah, it's definitely more in depth.

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He goes into the psychology of listening,

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how we interpret things, all the nonverbal cues, all that.

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But it's really insightful.

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I might have to check that one out from the library.

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What about podcasts?

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Any good ones for people who are on the go?

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Oh, yeah, tons.

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The Art of Charm, they have some great episodes

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on listening skills.

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They interview all these experts,

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so you get different perspectives.

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Oh, cool.

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I'll have to look that up.

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And then there's one called The Listening Project.

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It's all about the power of listening.

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They have all these different people on, sharing their stories.

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It's really moving.

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It's like a window into other people's lives.

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Exactly.

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And if you want something more structured,

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there are workshops and online courses on listening, too.

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So basically, there's no excuse not to get better at this.

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There's a way for everyone to learn.

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Exactly.

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The point is, becoming a better listener,

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it's an ongoing process.

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You're never done.

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Yeah.

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It's like anything else.

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You've got to keep practicing.

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But the cool thing is, even small improvements

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can make a huge difference.

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Your relationships get better.

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There are fewer misunderstandings.

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You're just more empathetic and compassionate.

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So it's not about being perfect.

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Just making that effort.

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And on that note, I'm going to leave you

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with something to think about.

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Think of a recent conversation that, I don't know,

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maybe didn't go so well.

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And ask yourself, could better listening have changed things?

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Could it have made a difference?

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Ooh, that's a good one.

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It makes you really examine your own listening habits.

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It's been a pleasure, as always, diving into this stuff with you.

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And thank you to our listener for sending

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in such interesting material.

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00:13:23,080 --> 00:13:24,160
Yes, thank you.

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Until next time, everyone, keep listening.