Welcome to Vikings and Valkyries, an actual play
podcast. We are playing When the Wolf Comes,
an RPG set in the time of heroes. My name is
Ian Stewart Sharp and I will be your wielder
of glory in the adventure ahead. joining me in
the storm of swords are andy john rowdy bill
steve and cj welcome to you helmet bearers now
we have a veritable war band with us here today
including andy and john from the saga thing podcast
that has the distinction of going for nearly
12 years now james that's right Something like
that. Yes. Amazingly, yes. Now, if you were in
a real Icelandic saga, you'd have murdered each
other by now. So what's the secret of your success?
Oh, distance. Keeping great distance between
us helps a lot. I'd say a thousand miles has
turned out to be about the right amount, yeah.
That's right. You started your careers together,
though, as fellow youth studying together? That's
correct, yes. We both went to the University
of Connecticut. We were grad students there.
We were both studying Anglo -Saxon England primarily
and then kind of stumbled into our interest in
Old Norse stuff and the sagas and helped create
a minor there because we just wanted to do it
so much. And we kind of never looked back once
we started playing with the Icelandic sagas and
Old Norse history. I can't help but notice that
in your... What a movie episodes. You can see
it to have watched and reviewed an awful lot
of Beowulf. Well, there are an awful lot of Beowulfs.
I think it's the plural. But, you know, there
was a period there where Beowulf movies seem
to be coming out annually. And so, yeah, we're
sort of working our way through those slowly
and we aren't done yet. We've still got three
or four more to get through. Great. Well, I look
forward to that. We're also joined by Rowdy Gearson,
the translator of the Impudent Edda, a thoroughly
modern retelling of Norse mythology. Rowdy, welcome
to you. In your esteemed opinion, which of the
Norse gods is the most messed up? Good question.
Yeah, yeah. I don't know. Might go with that.
kind of a traditional answer of loki perhaps
but he's always kind of hit that bill but they
all have their issues you know so your version
of thor wields a flamethrower and your version
of t has a guitar yeah yeah he's a great guitar
player in his youth before he had to run in with
a certain animal big fan of def leppard's drummer
it's similar you know you know them but uh This
is a timely reference. Now, each week we have
a little quiz to earn you inspiration points
that your heroes can then spend in an hour of
need that represents Odin smiling upon you. And
so hopefully, what with the esteemed knowledge
that you have, you'll be able to get this. I
suspect you'll be very disappointed in the professors
here. But I did like the word esteemed. Yeah,
that sounded good. Dragonslayers, an elite group.
Now, they're not quite as rare in the Old English
and Old Norse corpus as Tolkien's famous remark,
where he said that dragons were as rare as they
are dire. The question this week is, can you
name five dragon slayers detailed in the Old
English or the Old Norse corpus? Oh, interesting.
I'll take the easy one. He said Beowulf is a
really good one. I'm going to go with Sigurd
Fafnir's Bane because I want to get in before
we get to the parts where I don't know anything.
Let's see. There is... there is reference to
saint margaret in old english is there not the
the interesting thing here is the list that i've
got is drawn from paul acker don't know if you
know him oh yeah and his death by dragons that
was published in viking and medieval scandinavia
and so i'm drawing from that as you are professorial
times, and you can tell me otherwise. You could
probably bluff your way through this quiz. Well,
I was going for St. Margaret, trying to leave
some space for others, but if we're going with
Paul Acker's list, I'm going to say Bjorn the
Hitterdahl champion. Oh yes, he does claim a
dragon slayer, a young dragon. Yes. I think you
have three. Are we not counting Margaret? don't
see we're counting we're counting margaret if
we have to at the end see how far yeah yeah i'm
going to say obviously ragnar lothbrok yes very
good and now we're waiting on rowdy john's gotten
two of them yeah i'm drawing blanks his figure
came to mind too but he already said yeah that's
why i took it early because it's the obvious
one uh does um uh someone like um um Hrolf Kraki
encounter a dragon at all? I don't feel like
he does. Both are Bjarke, that kind of stuff.
It's going to be in the legendary sagas, which
that's not our area. There's a wind troll in
that saga, but... I've actually got three that
are mentioned in the family sagas. In the family,
so... Yeah, so Bjorn Heathredal Champion's a
good one. We can just name saga characters. Does
it have Thor in the name? Yeah, do serpents count?
It does have Thor in the name in the sense that
most Icelandic or Norse names have Thor in the
name. I'm going to go back to Old English for
a second and add St. George. Yeah, it's very
coming. Yep. I could just list Thor names like
Thorstein, Thorgeir, Thorir. And you would be
successful. Let me run through the list. So you
could actually just have... Thor himself, because
in the prologue to Snorri's Edda, he's mentioned
as a dragon slayer. That's true. Thwoffo in the
Gesta Denorum. And then in the family sagas,
you've got Thorkell Hacker. I thought of one.
We just covered him, John. In King Harald Hardrada
slays a dragon in the prison. Oh, that's right.
And that's referenced in the King's Saga, Morkin
Skinner. That's correct. In the Saga of King
Harald Hardrada, he gets put in prison in Constantinople,
and there he fights a dragon or a serpent with
some of his friends. Super duper. So you've got
Ragnar. You could have had also Orvar Odder,
Fifth Wrecker, Etel, Hunge. from the legendary
sagas so there's a there's a whole bevy of dragon
slayers out there to emulate in the upcoming
adventure that might be it the only one i could
think of was uh bard the bowman who killed smog
i remember again you can try to emulate that
CJ, with your bow and arrow a little bit later
on and see how that plays out. Machine gun. Doesn't
sound good. All right, let's begin the adventure,
the second part of Mother's Night. Not far from
your landing site, where you crash -landed in
the whirler at the end of last episode, you spy
a longhouse with wooden walls and a turf roof.
There is a roaring fire of dancing golden -orange
flames blazing away in a massive fire pit, and
above it the head of a pig roasts happily away,
suspended over the flames by a longsword which
runs through its head like an enormous spit.
Golden mead is being filled from a large tub
into jugs and then poured into goblets. And you
see a group of warriors, one of whom sticks out
his helmet, mead is poured into it, and then
soon he is quaffing from it. A brace of golden
roasted pig is brought out on wooden serving
platters. That is the scene that you see. How
would you like to approach the banqueters? Gigi
will introduce himself. So he'll step forward
and say, Hello there. I am Griotgath the Magnificent.
My friends call me Gigi for short. Leomi will
step forward and say, I am Leomi. Can you tell
us where we are? I am air. And could you perhaps
tell him where he is? There is clearly a leader
of this group who is sat behind and away to one
side, staring pensively into the fire. He does
not speak, but he lets his oath -sworn warriors
speak for him. Hello, I am Lucky Thorfinn. You
see a... Man of about medium height, but stooped
over, mainly because of the many, many things
he's carrying on him. He has a long, red, braided
beard, which hangs slightly down below his two
bandoliers, one of which is covered in severed
rabbit's feet, the other of which is covered
in various religious symbols. He has a belt with
about 20 or so pouches. hanging from it a large
pack that appears to be straining to contain
its contents a staff with various things hanging
off of it a wind chime hanging off of the back
of his helmet and large sacks running down the
sides of his pant legs he is clearly suffering
under the weight of all this but otherwise seems
a reasonably normal person. You also see a man
there sitting on a log, and he's tall and wiry.
He's got bulging eyes and kind of a very long,
thin nose. He's wearing iron rings on his fingers
and on his arms, and he has like a wolf -tooth
necklace. And he sees you, and as he sees you,
He puts down what he's got in his hands that
he's been kind of playing with in his plate are
small, little small stones. He pops one in his
mouth, one of these stones, and he swallows it
really quickly. And he looks up and he says,
ah, hello. My name is Storheit. What brings you
here? So, name is, uh, healthcare scaldus spieler.
It's a medium height. individual short blonde
hair fairly muscular he had a troubled youth
as something of a poet pissed off a lot of people
and hot -tempered tends to get into fights we
shouldn't and uh sort of became a bit of a drifter
to whoever would have him and made us living
that way since The man who was staring pensively
into the fire steps forward. He has a bright,
bushy red beard and a shock of red hair. And
he says to you, I am Viglaf, son of Vestin, of
the Vagmunding clan. I am sworn to the service
of my cousin Beowulf, king of the Geats. These
are the men of my hall, such as they are. Join
us at my fire. You Yorna are spirits from other
realms, I presume. This, my kin, is the season
when the borders between the nine worlds are
at their thinnest. Did we not hear the wild hunt
in the sky? Ovin himself has sent these to choose
who lives and who dies this day. Okay, and then
she's just going to turn around. It kind of eclipses.
He's very large. It's going to eclipse the other
two. He's going to whisper the way that Gigi
likes to whisper. Did we go forward or backward
in time? Because I have the terrible feeling
that we've gone very, very far back. We did.
Yes, it would seem. It would seem. I assure you
that you're now, if that helps you. Yes, I believe
you are in the now, the present. You are here
with us for some reason. Now, to the best of
my knowledge, Beowulf is set in about 500 AD,
something like that. And you can only put that
down to the fact that when you pilot a ship using
two alpha with memory loss, that you're... bound
to plunge into the deep and distant past. The
Vendel Age. This actually is an era before the
Viking Age. And so these gentlemen in front of
you are thanes from the court of Beryl, King
of the Geats. Now, they may well be wondering,
and I appreciate that you have unfurled your
cape so as to mask some of your comrades, but...
Big Life did refer to you as Yolne and clearly
has identified you as spirits, but these guys
might want to know exactly what you do look like
so they can be suitably terrified or skeptical
of the land Vatyr that other people own. Leomi
will step forward and say, I am Leomi, chosen
by the Great World Tree to serve again, beloved
of Ixadril. And the one sent to keep watch over
the abomination who dogs my every step, pointing
back at the air. Did this tree just speak? It
is a tree, not a man. I am man and tree, both.
Is this possible? Count the bugs if you disbelieve
me. Bugs? Air is a tall... I guess a magnificent
sculpture of a human man made entirely from black,
smooth, seamless black rock encrusted with diamonds.
And his head ends in sort of a slightly overdone
headdress that resembles a chandelier with more
dangling diamonds. I am Eir, recently returned
from Valhalla and wishing there to return. And
I appreciate. The welcome to your hall. I will
sit by your fire if you permit it. You look to
be a shadow man of some sort. So I am called.
Just a little bit of background to help clue
people in. So in the Vikingverse, these fallen
heroes, so Leomi was once a character who died
in the Battle of Brevilin, which takes place...
probably 250 years from where you are now he
then dies his spirit gets reconstituted in the
body of a tree as a as a version of a demon of
death the alpha that kind of predates tokyo at
least in my view and steve is similar as a doc
alpha he was actually slain in the mirror universe
battle of which is when the Tartar hordes lay
siege to Kiev or Kunigal. And so they are land
fatir or land whites who have either been encased
in stone or wood, and they retain portions of
their Norse identity, but they're a little bit
scanty. CJ, on the other hand, is... Gigi is
quite large. akin to Gengar or Herald, right?
The big dude. Anyway, so he's large. He's very
tall, very wide, very loud. And he's a Yofur,
which is a genetically enhanced version of people.
And they think they're gods. And that's why Gigi
is going to look at his friends and go, I think
we should just tell them that I'm a god. You're
going to anyways, so sure. Yeah, go with that.
Greetings, friends! I was the silver medalist
at the old Asgard games, which you don't know
what that is because you haven't been to Asgard,
but I have because I am a god! My word. Subtle
word. Do you think he knows we heard the first
part? I don't know. I'm very confused. Let me
step forward. And so Stort had steps forward
and he approaches the three of you and he says,
I don't understand what you are or where you
came from, though I hope you might be able to
help us. But before you are allowed to sit by
our fire, I have one question for each of you.
Tell me, how did your mother treat you? Because
only then will I know if I can trust you. Surely
you must have mothers, gods, or no? All things
have mothers. I did not. How is that possible?
I was grown in a test tube. A test tube? What
is such a test? It is a contraption to create
gods. We don't need mothers. Gods are born in
tubes of testing? Tubes of sorts. Hmm. And what
of the tree man? Surely you have a mother. A
seed of sorts. A mother, yes. A human mother,
long ago. Long, long before the great world tree
reached out and brought me back. But it was so
long ago, I don't remember her well. But I know
this. I know she taught me to be strong. Yes.
But she's neglectful, since you don't remember
her. It's more that I am neglectful. It is...
more than a thousand years since i was born as
a human a mystery and you shadow man i was born
long ago many years from now and i will have
going to have been remembered my mother was a
strong -willed woman who taught me all that i
needed to know and i remember i remember her
i remember the things she taught me she sent
me will have will have did sent me into the world
to have found my fortune or i will and i'm thankful
for the things that she will have taught me did
she teach you to wear diamonds oh ah she did
not she did not teach me to adorn myself this
is the body into which my spirit was thrust rust
is a good word yes big life These gentlemen,
they might not know their tenses very well, but
I believe that they are trustworthy. We should
welcome them to the hall. Thank you, Stoyan.
Take a seat. This is my hall on the shore of
Legvania. Tomorrow we will arrive to Araneis
to join the king. I have but returned. Here briefly,
to gather these men and my armor. For the winter
festival has been interrupted by a fire dragon
that has razed the region. A sky plague like
no man has seen. Fire, you say? Yomi says, taking
a step back. Yes, yes, there's lots of fire.
But a dragon's flame is but a child's scream.
If we can understand this creature, and perhaps
that is why you were sent, to help us better
understand this creature, perhaps you've encountered
a dragon before. Did this dragon, did it burn
across the sky from horizon to horizon, and as
it did, trailing smoke and dropping spare parts?
It did. I saw this the other night. Lucky you
remember this, right? We were out. doing the
thing that we do at night, and it came across
the sky. I don't think we need to talk about
the thing we do at night. But yes. No, we're
not talking about that. We were just out there
doing that. Fortunately, I have a hair of St.
Agatha in this ring, which is proof against fires,
volcanoes, and lightning, so I had no fear. I
also have a totem of Vulcan, if anybody needs
that, sovereign against flames. Add some holy
water. Not so much good against fire, but you
can pour it on it. But what I find is that fear
of fire is worse than the fire itself, as long
as you are properly guarded. I don't think whatever
was in the sky the other night is anything we
need to fear, as long as our courage remains
good and our luck is with us. And our steel is
strong. Fortunately, I have the legendary blade
belonging to Amund, son of Otar Vendelcrow. We
will raise it in defense of the king. Yes, we
will. Does he have it on him? He is sitting by
the fire, honing it with a whetstone. Oh, he's
like actually sharpening it right as we speak?
Exactly. The sparks are spiraling into the flames
of the beetle fire. May I see it? You may, Ock
Strong. And he shows you the legendary heirloom
blade. It's lovely. Here's mine. He's going to
draw a bear claw out. Look at the size of that.
Yeah, a bear claw is massive. Bear paw, isn't
it? Bear paw. That's what he said. Bear paw in
your time was a thousand year old sword that
was forged in the hottest of furnaces. Now, it's
probably You know, some kind of welded pattern
steel that is relatively new and advanced as
far as these smiths are concerned. I picked it
off a dead man. Ghost creature thing. You are
surrounded by death. What is this one? Shadow
stalker. Stone dweller. And this? A land white.
A grim demon. A hell serf. And you a mead hall
peacock. You are sent by Odin, was I correct
in my assumption? Yes. Yes? I see. Then let us
toast and drink, for tomorrow we may die. A toast
to Odin for victory in battle, and to you and
your health, my kinsmen. Vesel! Vesel! Vesel!
Vesel! You may chat amongst yourselves over the
Feast of Suckling Pig and get to know each other.
But in the morning, Big Life makes it clear that
he expects you all to ride out. He is planning,
as he said, to attend the king and join the party
that will go in search of the dragon's lair,
the cave. A goblet was stolen recently. from
the cave and the dragon has roared out and left
the whole lakeside region in tumult and so he
plans to join with the king and ride with him
to slay the beast none of us are afraid of this
she's just thinking uh you know dragons myths
this is a long time ago probably not a real dragon
but like he's kind of the wheels are turning
so he leans over to To Aaron, who are me, and
says, I don't think it's a dragon. It's probably
something that joined us from another time. And
we should investigate it, because it could be
our ticket home. It could. The thing that fell
from the sky is probably the falcon. Bits of
it. And coal. Oh, and coal. I assure you, the
dragon. is real. It has reduced forts and earthworks
to dust and ashes. Its den has been found carved
into the earth by Yodna. King Beowulf plans an
assault on its lair, and though my kinsmen and
I are fearful, we have made an unbreakable oath,
laying our hands on the king's boar in his hall,
words that went straight to the ears of Freyr
himself. All right. Yes, well, I mean, we can't
really compete. He says things like that sometimes.
He's a very, very good leader, I must say. I
really must practice my whispering because none
of what I said was meant for you. We all heard
it, though. I gathered that. You're not a quiet
man. I'm trying to be. The honorable king will
be receptive to have spirits such as us among
his host. Does he have a choice if Odin has sent
him to his side? No, he doesn't. Who wouldn't
want to have a god join him in a fight against
a dragon? Yes, I believe gods, these servants
of gods, whatever they may be, these spirits,
they have been sent to help us gain our victory.
Surely, we and Beowulf, with their aid, can conquer
this dragon. And our names will go down in history.
Tales will be told of us. Surely, one day, I
mean, of me, of course, but yes, the others have
a chance. But I will be there too. Certainly.
I, for one, look forward to our names joining
the list of dragon slayers from Old English and
Old Norse legend. A list that includes such luminary
names as Beowulf. On the Saga Think podcast,
you might end up reviewing yourself. That's right.
Let us then proceed for the next day, Big Leaf.
rises early and rides with the dawn without waiting
for anyone apart from his kinsmen. If you are
awake, you are able to follow his tracks to the
east or just ride along with him or run alongside
his well -shot horse. We should go with him.
Yes. We should. Gigi, go first. Is there a horse
that will bear Gigi? Or the rest of us? I mean,
the rest of us are bearing him so far. Not this
time. Thank you. These kinsmen will be able to
avail themselves of mounts from the stables,
but the three of you will have to walk and take
long shacks as pony, so to speak. There is no
way a horse is going to bear either one of you.
Because one of you is made of stone, the other
is a tree, and the other one is far too big for
a horse. Any horse that you go near will panic,
startle, bray, and rear rather than have anything
to do with you. Particularly 6th century Scandinavian
horses. Which will probably be a little bit smaller
than the state boat. the walls of today isn't
there a saga where like a king raced a guy on
a horse and he won because the horse was tiny
possible there's lots of stories i seem to i
seem to remember something to that effect uh
i'm i'm fond of the story of ralph the walker
a man who was tall enough that he kept uh whenever
he'd stand up the horse would just ride out from
under him exactly who is wolf of all careers
who uh cj based his character on yes oh right
yeah exactly So, as you head along the lakeside,
you soon pass columns of refugees travelling
in the other direction. Dumbstruck fishermen,
women carrying small infants, terrified thralls.
They all look at you with tired, bloodshot eyes.
Some are badly burnt, perhaps injuries inflicted
as they fled from... burning villages. Many are
carrying treasured possessions that they have
rescued from the flames. This is much more serious.
It's getting worse by the day. It's good that
we have these companions who will help us, no
doubt. Thorfinn begins stroking a piece of wood
on the inside of his shield. Diomi asks some
of the refugees, can you describe what it is
you're doing? away! What kind of a beast are
you? Thank you very much. Air will disguise himself
as an ordinary, well, fairly ordinary human warrior
type. Leomi, would you like to stop frightening
the locals as well? Yes, please. Thank you. Air
will disguise Leomi as a significantly less impressive
ordinary human warrior type. as non -descript
as possible. You're going to use your save the
spells, your glamour sight to make people blend
in a little bit as opposed to poke them with
branches. Exactly that. Super. In which case,
when you then approach that same person, they
say to you, It came from the sky in the night,
took all of our flock in its maw. Another woman
looking on says, I lost my husband in the flames.
I saw our whole village burn. Did it land on
your village? The refugees are all slightly wary,
but seeing the Thane and his kinsmen, they begin
to flop towards you, holding up their hands,
desperate for charity, for healing, for alms
for the poor. If only we could heal them. Think
of the goodwill we would gain. They need the
healing later. In this case, I am genuinely saving
them. We'll be fine. Gigi's going to reach into
his purse and he's going to throw some Kronar
at the people. And even though it's not going
to be worth anything to them. Valkyr pushes him
away because he's a bad sport. Doesn't want to
have anything to do with them. Are you actively
trying to pick up the coins that he's just bestowed
on the poor? Yeah. Yes. You scramble in the dirt,
picking up the gold and silver coins and stowing
them in your pockets. Exactly. Rush forward,
pushes him out of the way, scrambles for the
coins, and says some snide remarks along the
way. And for that dazzling act of hubris and
greed, I'm going to give you one shame for behaving...
Welcome to the team. Behaving in a very non -Norse
manner. One of the other refugees offers another
tragic story. They tug on your sleeve, Thorfinn,
obviously recognizing you and says... I saw it
soaring like a comet in the night sky, belching
fire and smoke. Well, that sounds most disturbing.
I press a bezoar that has proof against fire
into his hand. Oh, thank you, my lord. Thank
you. Thank you. A thousand blessings. Just keep
that on your purse and you'll be fine. I shall
wear it close to my heart. We are headed to...
Orphan's Valley. It's our holy sanctuary. You
will be welcome there. And you do recognize that
that is a place that is a sacred grove for your
people where a priestess known as Ellie makes
her home and will possibly help tend to the wounded
and the scared. Yomi looks at Aaron and says,
See what? Saving it. make sense. They have their
own selfish tree. Idiot rock. You'll probably
see at some point Storhead is going to be looking
for wounded and injured people. He comes up to
one of them who has a burn on their head and
he reaches into his bag and he pulls out what
is basically a bandage uh with rotten apples
on it and he's he he approaches this person he
says you must um put this Apple, strap it to
your forehead. It will help cure your pain. And
if the pain goes away, then that means that the
spirits demand another apple, and you keep putting
more apples on there until it goes away. I learned
this in the East, so please, if you have apples...
Absolute nonsense. What? Come here. And Thorfinn
is going to begin pulling chicken bones and incense
and a decorated egg from various pockets. Here,
take all of these. Bury them in the four corners
of your home. Say a prayer to any gods that aren't
otherwise occupied, and you'll be fine. Ironically,
these fascinating pre -medieval... healing spells
and charms are actually more effective than anything
that Bill has done in 20 episodes. I resemble
that remark. That's what we've been doing wrong.
Rowdy, did you want to do anything with your
ill -gotten gains? For example, do you want to
create yourself a kind of Viking horde by burying
them under a nearby tree for future posterity?
I think I'll hold on to them. I was thinking
that maybe it'll be useful having a few shiny
coins for when they face down a greedy, snarling,
flying snake and can use them to distract away
from a killing blow or something like that. You
do know what happens, Marley, don't you, to the
first slightly nefarious character in a movie
who does that kind of stealing. You know what
happens when they meet the big man. It's usually
the first to go. They could even buy a T -Rex
on the toilet, don't they? With his clothing
red at all. I just didn't want you to let the
fact that you've tempted fate go by without passing
remark. on it the various refugees continue to
pass through the forest by the side of the lake
towards the holy sanctuary for the geats and
you can see there is a clearing in this forest
of oak ash and hazel where huge megalithic stones
are arranged that's in the shape of a ship at
the edge of a glade surrounded by a canopy of
And all around you are the rotting corpses of
horses, dogs and hens that dangle from branches.
And you also see lots of bones lying scattered
amidst the roots below. A priestess moves between
the trees, singing songs to the cadavers as she
cuts deep into their sinew. She then collects
the dripping blood in a bowl and flicks the contents.
onto the worshippers who have assembled using
a long twig reddening their faces. It appears
that she has her own magic and charms to rival
yours, John and Andy. I am instantly going to
slide into the end of the row and try to get
Sprague to speak. Oh no, quite literally. A store
head is going to be looking around at any of
the decaying flesh, hoping that there's some,
looking for maggots anywhere he can find. If
he can grab some maggots, which he would like
to put into a little pouch. He's going to save
those in case anybody gets cut. He is confident
that putting maggots in the wound is a good idea.
CJ, did you want to have a bit of a medical?
discourse, you know, since from the future you
have your analgesics and you just have no interest
in these barbarians. Gigi's thinking to himself,
I could accidentally heal or kill someone related
to me distantly and cause me to disappear. That
would be terrible. Or someone that I don't like
to appear. Don't touch anything. Don't step on
a worm. Some of these worms might be Leomi's
ancestors. Friends. Friends. Not ancestors. Friends.
Family. The Norse did believe that the Dverk
were born of the maggots that came from Ymir,
the primordial titan that birthed the worlds.
So who knows? You might be in good company. The
Priestess, again, some of you will recognize
her as the Vendel Thanes. You will recognize
her. She is quite a young and startlingly beautiful
woman, although she does have gnarled fingernails.
And as the three newcomers stride into her glade,
she studies you silently and then runs those
gnarled fingernails along your shoulders, sniffing
greedily at your clothing. whilst tapping her
staff insistently on the ground. Hello there,
my name is Grielgoth. Do not talk! I have not
finished my examination. And she continues to
run her fingers along your contours and says,
wear my sword, this one. I was the silver medalist
at the old Asgard games in Asgard. I believe
that you were, for you are not from this time
nor place, nor should you think that your simple
spells can disguise you, stone dweller. I seek
not to deceive you, but to deceive those who
would be frightened. And with him. You are, are
you, brothers in arms? Gauter's huntsman, here
to aid the king, lest the doom of battle bear
our lord away. Soon it will be known to the fracar
and the frisier far and wide that our king is
gone, our nation will be invaded, our enemies
will rampage. Not fair is all thy fortune, the
norns I blame that this should be. And yet, slaying
the dragon is the only way to snap their thread.
It's funny you should mention the Norns. We had
a run -in with them, or one of their creatures.
And we got away. Of course you did. I see all.
I know all. Return to me when the deed is done.
I must tend to my people. Just to clarify, the
deed you want done is killing a dragon. Correct.
Must I repeat myself multiple times, you oafish
de lad? I just want to be clear in case I make
a mistake and make half the world disappear in
my time. I'm afraid of taking a shit in this
time. I don't want it to fossilize and end up
in a museum in the 1970s. That would be awful.
It's a good reference. The priestess Ely turns
her back to you with a harumph and begins to,
as you just said, to tend to people more worthy
of her attentions. A storehead leans over to
Gigi and says, I told you that was a real dragon.
We shall see. Yes, you shall. It will be fun,
I think. Ever since the reference to the Norns,
Thorfinn has been rubbing rabbits' feet and pieces
of wood. He's actually sidled over to Yomi and
is sort of rubbing Yomi periodically as well.
Thank you very much. You've made a friend. Viglaf
calls out to you all as he spurs on his horse
and says, Him is balls. The king cannot engage
in direct battle. We must join him before the
storm arrives. Spur your horses, men. There is
no time to waste. For gold. For fucking glory.
Let's have it. I mean, fucking glory seems like
a very different mission. Interesting though.
Who's glory? For glory? Oh, for glory. Why didn't
you say? There's four of them. Good lord. Oh
no, not the four candles thing. It's a time like
this that the gods look down and go, oh my god,
what have we done? Such are the assembled heroes
that have been asked to re -thread the timelines.
So, will you follow the Valiant Vigli as he rides
to the north towards the Dragon's Den? Definitely.
We're oathbound to it. We don't have a choice.
Thorfinn will, but I am lighting a smudge stick
and an incense before I do, and I'm sort of just
waving them around my head clockwise as I ride.
Ralph Gare is beginning to compose poetry about
himself and his head, looking forward towards
the glory that he expects himself to receive.
Gare will pluck a diamond from his headpiece
and hand it to a totally random refugee as we
go by, trusting in fate that that person actually,
that's where they got it from in the first place,
or they will have got it from. That is a glorious
and generous gesture unbeknownst to you. You
give it to a small child who then grows up to
use that wealth to lead a major rebellion that
leads to a huge massacre and the slaughter of
many innocents. Is Shishi freaking out while
he's doing this? What are you doing? You could
have just... funded a rebellion that will slaughter
millions. Or I could have funded a school that
will advance science by centuries. And then we
won't exist. Unless that money was needed to
found the university in the first place. Very
unusual gift there, are you feeling? Feels a
bit out of character for you. Perhaps I should
use a healing spell after all. It would be a
first. I find your verb -tense Zender philanthropy
equally confusing. Thank you. The dragon's den
lies an hour's ride to the north. As you approach
the hilltop, Big Life spurs his horse on and
dashes at a canter far ahead of you and out of
sight. three oaths one you may decide what you
wish to do but the other characters you instantly
recognize the cavern that purports to be the
dragon's den as the impact crater of the falcon
parts of the ship are strewn all around the shore
because it is alongside the lake and you have
arrived just in time to witness the start of
an epic battle between King Beowulf and the dragon.
What does this dragon look like? Yeah, when you
say dragon. Yeah. I shall describe it thusly.
In the mid -distance, the king walks up the cliffside
alone, resplendent in his male shirt. You hear
him bellow a challenge and then listen as the
barrow below rumbles a reply and then something
erupts from the darkness spouting deadly flames
the fire hits the king's shield and forces him
to his knees and at this some of his men around
him break ranks and flee in terror back to the
safety of the forest all except Viglife who spurs
his horse onwards to aid his king Now, this is
what you all see, and again, for the purposes
of our new guests, I'm going to explain something
that happened in the last episode. So, the crew
of the falcon encountered a weaver, which is
a creature sent by the Norns to repair the timelines,
and this creature of paradox appears to the people
who face it as their most... feared and fated
enemy. So in the case of you Vendor Age Thanes,
you do indeed see a fire -breathing monstrosity
because that would be appropriate to your era.
CJ, because you imagine yourself a god and an
illustrious hero, you too see a dragon, although
you are aware that it... It's transparent, it's
translucent, but you can see the mythic importance
of this beast and feel the fears of your forebears
and your kinsmen course through you. And again,
Bill, because you, as a tree, are slightly afeard
of being flambéed, you too see this immense.
Beast armoured in thick, glistening scales, its
vast wings battle -torn and ragged as they unfurl
with terrifying speed, casting shadows that swallow
the land, and you can almost feel the heat as
its cavernous maw reveals the very fires of perdition.
Steve, as air, you see something very different.
The landscape for you... is dominated by a creature
with unkempt matted fur that bears the dull sheen
of neglect. It hisses softly and then begins
to bat Beowulf around with tiny little claws
as it purrs in his direction. From its wide mouth,
which is better suited for meowing than exuding
fire, it's not the... foul flames of fire, but
the foul breath of a kitty that's had too much
fish. I must not fear. Here's the mind killer.
Here's the little death that brings total obliteration.
I will face my fear. So, everyone apart from
the slightly disturbed here sees a dragon. What
will be your oaths and your responses? A big
life, as he's already said. is keen to go for
glory, and he spurs his horse, yelling, Who wants
to live forever? It's overrated. John, because
this is an audio podcast, I can't see you putting
your hand up. I mean, it's working out for me
so far. Storhead will spur his horse behind,
and as he does, He shouts, this dragon is a test.
Just as a son must test himself against his father,
we too must test ourselves against this dragon.
We will slay it and conquer our fates. Is there
something Freudian? That's your character. It's
way too early. Way too early for Freud. Is he
a precursor? Storhead is a precursor. I think
he's on the edge of something very innovative
and exciting, but he doesn't quite have a full
grasp of it just yet. Imagine what the field
of mental illness, how it would advance in leaps
and bounds were you to survive this crucial test.
Yeah, I just hope he lives. I just hope he lives
long enough. Yeah, think of all the good he'll
do. I'll fully fund him, of course. There you
go. Thorfinn will remove the tintinabulum, the
wind chime, from the back of his helmet, hold
it out in front of him, at which point everyone
can see that it is festooned in winged phalluses,
and shake it merrily. In the name of Jupiter
and Ursul and Uni and Loki and Thor, may our
path be free of evil forces, or, if that thought
is possible, then let our path lead stealthily
up to evil as it is distracted by other concerns.
Leomi is going to cast healing herbs on Air,
Gigi, but also on Storehead. He rides towards
them. There's less cast healing herbs as give
them out to people. That's what I mean. Carefully
hand out my packages of herbs, yes. And Thorfinn,
what do you think of this gift of? Herbs, I mean,
they don't smell right to you. Oh, they smell
no worse than any of the incense I've been burning,
which is a combination of mushrooms, burnt feathers,
and cardamom. I take this pouch, I give praise
to the gods of fortune, to the Norns, and I place
it in the pouch around my neck, right next to
the call from my own birth. Fantastic. Error's
going to double cast Ancestral Wisdom and...
Call on the wisdom of the ancients to keep me
safe from compulsion or charm or fear or trauma.
So much trauma. Very good. So you are protected
by the spirits of the land as you ride into battle.
Those healing herbs providing three creatures
with medicine. So if you were given the healing
herbs by Leomi, then each time you heal damage,
you heal 1x6 extra damage. If you ever become
injured, and the injured state is losing half
of your health, then you immediately heal damage
equal to your healing rate. Rounding, did you
have anything that you wanted to do in particular?
Are you going to gnash your teeth, bite your
shield? Get angry a little bit, but basically
plunge in because he's hot. tempered, impulsive
character with a predisposition towards violence
to begin with. And so it's not really so much
about the oath as it is the chance to seek battle
and glory. And presumably you're a little bit
hungover from last night's mead. That definitely
plays a part. It's really helping with the poetry
composition in the head at the moment. So, you
know, the same lines are just kind of... staring
together, but providing a proper sort of impetus
to kill something. CJ, any cutting insults? Any
battle cries? Well, first, Gigi's taking a look
at the whole scene, and he sees Beowulf on the
hill, and he sees the dragon, and he knows what
the dragon is. It's that thing from the ship.
He sees the Falkir. And he just says out to himself,
out loud, of course, and everybody can hear,
but they won't know what he means. He'll say,
holy shit, are we responsible for the legend
of Beowulf and Grendel? This is fucking crazy.
Do I fight? Do I sit out? I don't know. So he's
going to cast bloody runes on his new machine
gun, even though that might not be the wisest
thing to do. And then he's going to think to
himself. You know, Beowulf is supposed to survive
the thing, right? So he's going to run up the
hill toward Beowulf. Gigi did not go to school.
I see you guys shaking your heads like, no, he
doesn't survive. It's fine. Gigi doesn't remember
that. So he's going to run up the hill. He's
going to cast wave runes around. How many? You're
taking the eight goes in a row. Oh, well, he's
going to start running toward Beowulf to help
him out because this thing is way too powerful
for him to face alone. We're going to work on
the fact that you carved the blood runes into
your... Shaker, which is the Norse name given
to a machine gun. It'll be interesting to see
what these Vendel age things make of someone
spewing lead at a dragon. There was a tide of
professorial shaking of heads there because this
is post -Grendel, post -Grendel's mum. This is
really the end of the poem. for anyone who's
listening who's following along by reading the
text alongside this episode and see just how
far it diverges it's right at the end yes let's
make some rolls because this is a terrifying
creature that has already laid siege to your
king and sent a towering inferno in his direction
that has just been deflected by his newly forged
shield. So I'm going to ask you all for a will
roll with one woe. Except Eir. He's not bothered.
Except Eir, who, having been tormented for a
long time by ancestral spirits, has now found
an accord with them, and they help protect him
against more insanity. CJ, did you have a roll?
I'm immune to fear, right? Oh, that's true as
well, yes. I cannot be frightened. As a giant's
bane, you are immune to the fear effect. Protected
by his overconfidence as much as anything. I
rolled a 12 after subtracting four. Then Leomi
remains a stalwart upright tree. Oak of a tree.
That's good. Rowdy, what did you get? I had a
16. You are a dranger. John? I plus minus plus
15. Another stalwart companion of King Beowulf.
You're doing the geats proud. Andy, it just falls
to you. Will you get higher than 10? Yeah, I
have a 16. What? It's a full house of people
who are not reduced to quivering lumps in the
face of this, whereas many of the other followers
and fans of Beowulf have run screaming into the
forest. You remain unabashed and unbowed and
can charge the beast. So let me know if you have
a combat strategy or whether you just want to
form a kind of impenetrable wall of... shields
and advance steadily towards the dragon, whether
you want to ride with wild abandon, waving your
swords. Thorhad understands how these things
are supposed to go. He's going to stay very close
to League life. Thorfinn is squatting in the
dirt and tossing dice and chicken bones and runes
and various other accoutrements and poring over
the results. He's actually not even looking at
the dragon right now. Very sensible. How did
you get into this position, Thor? I'm reading.
Healthcare's advancing. Cautiously, but arrogantly.
Very well. So I'm going to assume that those
are slow turns, and so that you advance with
caution and control steadily towards... the dragon,
your bashing metal and determined footfalls echoing
over the smoldering earth. CJ, what did you want
to do? Gigi is now frozen in place and he's torn
between the thrill of getting to fight this thing
again to take it down because he already injured
it and the counterposition of he can't remember
how this legend goes and he's like, fuck! Does
he die? Does he live? Do I save him? Do I kill
him? I'm not sure. And so he is frozen in place,
trying to figure out what to do. He's ready to
fight. He just doesn't know if he's going to
accidentally ruin history. We'll come back to
you next turn, then, to see whether you have
concluded your deliberations. Leomi? Well, Leomi
is either going to cast or possibly hand out
whatever's involved with... doing narrow escape.
Sorry, I couldn't get to the end of that. Again,
for our guests, what you should understand is
that Bill has less command of his character sheet
than, I don't know, a kindergartner. Narrow escape
is best applied when you need to narrowly escape
something such as the dragon's flaming breath.
Using it now before such time as it has... Oh,
I thought I had to preset it. I thought it was
like... You want to do it as a trigger, but at
least wait until you get a kind of fiery... So
like when Gigi's on fire or something like that,
then it might be a good moment. Here's how to
set the trigger. When a wall of flame, a hung
of flame licks towards you, then narrowly escape.
using your gift, as opposed to... On your wall,
or either. Either. Either, okay. Important, important.
Anything that looks like it's going to burn you
to a crisp, then narrowly escape. Don't narrowly
escape while it's still on the horizon. Although,
we've done that in the past, and it works pretty
well. It also seems like you have a lot more
leeway for your narrow escape if you do it way
in advance. Yeah, we see now that the bone reader
is thinking straight. Yeah. Then it's called
a not -so -narrow escape. It's called a well
-prepared evacuation plan. I think that sounds
a lot better. Sorry, Steve, were you still playing?
Are we... Is this considered long -range at the
moment? It would be. Or should I get closer?
No, this is long -range. The scene ahead of you
with the dragon emerging from its den and breathing
all over the king with its... fiery inferno is
at the wrong range. Then that's close enough,
I think. Yes, that's plenty close enough. Air
will cast Stormseat, which sort of draws an electrical
surge down from the heavens to land behind the
dragon so that this What would it be? So it's
a 12 -foot -wide column of lightning, lands and
hopefully hits a dragon, but stops before reaching
the king, because burning kings is bad for him,
and will strain himself, make of that what you
will, to make the spell even more potent and
more damaging in the hopes of having an effect.
So 5 die 6, I think? 5 die 6 indeed. Wow. Which
I believe... Oh, yeah. Let's wait and see if
anything happens. Hi -ya. Wow, I'm 25. That adds
up to 12, the thing says here. Just for the benefit
of our listener at home, you rolled five dice
six and you got a 12. You're right. Yes. One,
two, three, and five. Yes. The traditional ones
were definitely part of the mix. I could try
again if you like. Vigilief turns as he hurtles
forward on his steed and says, A veritable thunder
god, or thunder child at least. He also hurls
back an oath towards you, Gigi, and says, I now
see you are no man at all. You fight like a farmer,
not a warrior. Yeah, we've been trying to tell
him. I appreciate the sentiment. However, I'm
not sure if I'm going to interfere with history.
It's a problem. I would be happy to kill this
thing. At that, the creature and I'm going to
direct this at the only the three charging things
so Rowdy Andy and this also applies to Riglap
himself as daring warriors ride forward swiping
your swords with the precision of seasoned hunters
aiming for the beast's underbelly but He emits
a slow, menacing hiss that builds into a deafening
crescendo, and then from its gaping maw, it releases
a blast of searing heat and lethal precision.
And so, first of all, I am going to ask you to
take 10, 16, 23 damage as you... rush into that
inferno. In addition to that, please make a slight
roll, which is a dice 20, and then add your slight
modifier and tell me the results. It's going
to be a five for me. Sorry, it's kind of dark
here. Nine. It's going to be less dark when it's
lit up. There's going to be a lot of torchlight
around here pretty soon, isn't there? Eleven.
Okay. Actually, it's with two woes as well, so
I need you to roll two dice six and subtract
those from the result. Well, mine will probably
be zero. Subtract those from the eleven? Please.
I would have zero with that. It's traditional
to roll poorly, Andrew. Well done. Yes, yes.
I end up with a final sum of three. Okay, then
in addition to the 23 damage already sustained,
I need you to take another 25. As it sprays flames
from its maw. That would be all for me, but I
believe maybe I can do an energy burst. You can
indeed use your triggered action to do an energy
burst, and I think that Bill gave you those healing
herbs. He marked you out for those. And so what
you should do, Andy, is I'm going to leave you
to do the math, but you're going to get, I think,
14 back from your energy burst, which brings
you back from the brink. Because of the healing
herbs, you get... Another 14 back as it immediately
heals you. And then you, in addition, get one
dice six extra back. Perhaps a combination of
adrenaline, herbs, and good old -fashioned shield
work protects you from the flames. Yes. Rowdy.
That's an awful lot of math going in your direction.
Use the same energy burst to give you 14 back.
But that's all you get at this stage. So imagine
that you've just been raided by this flaming
tongue. You're charred and you're singed. Your
arrogance has been burnt out of you and you're
flung from your horse onto the floor and have
to scramble to safety in order to survive. John,
I don't know if you saw that in the chicken entrails,
but obviously discretion is the better part of
valor. The last part of Thorfinn's ceremony is
to take out a large -ish black ball, shake it
in his hands, and ask whether conditions are
favorable for an attack. And I'll just press
the button and let everybody see the result.
Signs point to yes. Well done. My black ball
says that signs point to yes. Signs have spoken.
I leap up and rush into action. Super Thorfinn
was obviously rummaging around in the fallen
spaceship and found himself a magic 8 -ball in
advance. Fallen through the windows of time.
Andy and Rowdy, you may make an attack with your
sword and board, with your shield bash and cold
steel and attack the creature. So you're going
to roll with your might. And so what you're going
to do is a straight dice 20 in this case, because
this is a horrifying creature. And you're going
to add your might modifier of two. 21 for me.
I got a plus three. So Rowdy, you got a three.
One plus two. Yeah, I can do that math. See,
again, this is the perils of being the guy who
steals the coins from the poor people. I can't
help it, though. I mean, that thread was woven
before I was born. That's right. That is very
true. That's terrible to see that the norns are
tightening their weave around you. Rowdy, your
blade thirsting for a chink in the armor fails
to penetrate, but Andy, your... Hero manages
to find a way to penetrate the creature's hide.
These roll some damage as perhaps you slam your
shield into the dragon's snout and find a way
to pierce its armor with your sword. So that's
just 1d6, right? No, I think it's sizable. I
think because you're... attacking with both weapons
at the same time. Oh, it's a forceful strike?
Yeah, it's actually eight dice six plus two.
Okay, well, I've only got two of those. You just
keep rolling. Okay. So we've got 29. Nice. So,
under your vicious onslaught, even the king himself
smiles at your prowess. Rowdy, one thing you
can do... you do have the ability to call to
arms when you're severely wounded and that will
enable all of your brethren to roll with one
wheel and with a dice six is extra damage something
like that that will be fine so you blow your
bugle and rouse the spirits of all of your kinsmen.
They will both attack with more gusto and do
more damage when they ride into battle. So thus
far, the dragon has been mildly electrocuted
and punched on the snout with a shield and impaled
with a sword first. We will go to the top of
the next round. Where is everyone in relation
to the dragon? The three Vendelthanes, after
we guess, have all joined the fight in toe -to
-toe melee combat, along with the king himself
and Vigoyf. The three usual players are standing
somewhat back, Steve having called down the heavens
in his thunderous attack, you musing on. temporal
distortion and Bill thinking about narrowly escaping.
Yes. It's sort of our standard formation, CJ.
We put the men in front and we hang back. Just
clarifying, you know. So could I shoot my machine
gun convincingly without hitting the people who
are in melee? I wouldn't worry about it. You
never have before. But recall that multiple people
perished. The last person we had with a PhD on
this podcast, you did just gum down. This is
a bad habit. I feel like that would be good information
for the invite. Anti -intellectualism of our
age. He will happily let you charge in and then
gum you down for life. In a burst fire effect.
No, I think that even given the terrifying size
of this creature, were you to use burst fire,
you would hit everyone in the area. You would
be able to fire. Shakers can only use full auto.
With a howling dog, you can do individual rounds,
but shakers only have full auto, and you would
spray your lead. into the backs of all of these
noblemen. You still have the flamer, don't you?
Maybe you could shoot that more precisely. He
does not have the flamer. He left that behind.
I did. So could I take a slow turn, run up next
to them where they're in melee, and then shoot
the creature from underneath, thereby avoiding
hitting everyone else? Yes. I will say that if
you take, not just this turn, but the next turn
to get on the other side of the creature, the
creature itself will act as cover for the people
who are attacking it from the other side. So
you need to flank it. It's not something you
can do underneath it because, I don't know, it
might just crush you. But if you get on the other
side from another hilltop, then I will... I consider
that to be a moment of tactical genius. I just
remembered, I'm a giant Spain. I'm going to climb
it. I didn't tell him, Ian. I specifically did
not tell him to jump on anything. I want that
in the record. She's going to say, if it's here
and it's our fault, then we must help fix it.
And so he's going to run up to the dragon and
he's going to climb it because it's one of his
special abilities. And while he's on top of it.
is that my whole turn that is a slow turn to
do that yes because you have to run up you have
to run up and then grab it and then climb it
and then climb it okay so zizi is now riding
the dragon well whilst you might think that that's
what you're doing do you remember how last time
we ascertained it didn't have a corporeal body
it was insubstantial and how bullets glided through
it, and it didn't have a might score, so therefore
Bill wasn't able to do anything. So what you
do is you rush toward this amorphous spectral
translucent creature and merely glide through
it as you try to grasp hold of it. Well, you
know what? I was going to have to burn a turn
flanking it anyway. That's true. So you just
barreled through its spectral... The rest of
you, it's much more real and less imaginary for
you. So you just see this peacock, this magnificently
dressed giant of a man, stride and he looks like
he disappears inside the creature's belly. But
he pops up on the other side with a suit of bull.
Just a little roll and he goes, that's how gods
are supposed to fight. Everything's normal here.
That was meant to happen. I can't remember. Did
I try against a dwarf against this thing the
last time? Is that what failed? Yes. I'll go
back to thinking. Whoever else was speaking could
have been. With a slow turn, what Thorfinn needs
to do, I need to festoon my sword arm with a
couple of charms before I can do anything else.
With a slower turn, can I do that and still attack,
or do I need to take a turn to festoon? No, that's
what we call a minor activity, so you are all
good with your potions, concoctions. All right.
As he slowly makes his way up to the dragon,
his bandolier of rabbit's feet is now wrapped
around his arm. There's a clover hanging from
his wrist, and various charms against the evil
eye are dangling from a bangle around his wrist.
Then make your roll and see whether Lucky Thorfinn
is indeed Lucky Thorfinn. So what am I? I did
a d20 and then we have a wheel at this point
or no? You do because Rowdy has blown his horn.
Right, I thought I rolled one down. Let's see.
Eight. That's not good. Less. fortuitous and
lucky that you did some of your incantations
slightly wrongly. I should have chosen a different
bandolier. Your blade glances off the thick,
scaly hide. The lords have forsaken me! All of
us, brother. Andy, did you want to have another?
Yeah. Well, so what Storhead is going to do is
he's going to try to move closer to the dragon's
head. And he's shouting, the pain that I have
inflicted upon you is nothing compared to the
interior pain you are feeling from your, I assume,
a raucous childhood. Tell me about your mother,
he says as he stabs upward. And I'll go ahead
and roll. Roll bigly. Is four big? That's a three
plus one. That's not a very big number. I think
you've been hampered by your diagnostician skills.
Yes. Again, you fail to penetrate the dragon's
hide. Rowdy, what have you got? What about its
mind? That's what I'm really interested in. I'll
come back to you on that once it's had a little
bit of time for that to percolate. Yeah, it takes
a while. This kind of thing is a process. Several
sessions. Book another session. Leomi still has
a shotgun and nobody's really in need of healing
just yet. I mean, Gigi's just getting warmed
up. What amazes me as an alpha healer is Rowdy's
on 14 health. He took... a full inferno to the
face, and you then just said, no one's really
in need of healing. Well, he's still standing.
I mean, come on. He's not dead yet. His beard
burst into flame. I begin to see why you go through
guests on a regular basis. You know what? I'm
sensing, once again, the GM may be subtly hinting,
and I don't always pick up on it right away,
but I think tonight I picked up on it. So, why
don't I then... uh do uh do gandry so you may
take a faster and a slow turn as you as a thread
rider dance on the twines of fate and enter the
battle able to not only ride to rowdy's aid but
cast upon him such life spells as you have and
i have so many that it's quite a long book here
we go i heard that Now you've thrown me, you
bastard. That was easy. Yeah, it's always easy.
Why don't we do... What's the really good one?
Everlasting Runes. Yeah, that's the one. Let's
do Everlasting Runes on Rowdy, since I've noticed
he's doing poorly, being a healer and all. Everlasting
Runes enables you, Rowdy, to return to... full
health, so all damage is eliminated. You are
back to your 42. There you go. Due to the gentle
ministrations and runic healing of the alpha.
Bug -laden tree. How long have you been able
to do that? A while. I used it last time to try
and kill the weaver, but it didn't have the right
aspect for it to do. So my first attempt was
to kill something, sure. You know, medicine's
complex. The dragon turns its attention to the
king and you watch with horror as events unfurl
in accordance with the famous saga. The king's
sword shatters on the dragon's skull and it's
up to Viglife to strike the beast in its belly,
allowing Beowulf to... stab a hunting knife into
its flank the king looks to have taken a mortal
blow and falls backwards the creature also not
being a real dragon but being this manifestation
of the fates let's see who it targets unfortunately
lucky thorfinn you are proving to be less than
lucky as the Beast targets you with its ability,
bending the fabric of space and time around its
claw as it reaches out to you. See past, present,
and future merge into one. And I am going to
need you to make for me, please, a slight roll.
Roll, Dembo. Straight roll. A slight roll with
one wheel. 15. And then that is enough to save
you from sealed fate, and the creature fails
to knock you prone, and you avoid your judgment
of the lawns. I crush one of the colored eggs
in my hand and throw it to the ground before
me. Super. All right. Steve, I think you're the
only person that didn't go. Right. Is there any
way at this range to drop another Storm Seat
Lightning Burst on the dragon without hitting
any of the lunatics fighting it in melee? Your
question is, can you summon from the skies a
bolt of lightning that solely hits the dragon
in the midst of these brave battling heroes without
electrocuting them? Sounds like a yes. The answer
is no. You may indeed call forth your sorcerer's
storm, but you will electrocute everyone at the
same time. I feel like that's a bad idea. Tempting
though that is. He will instead use Gandfly to
hurl a bolt of energy from long range at the
dragon and hit only the dragon. And he will strain
himself again to make it potent again in the
hopes of hurting it very badly. So 3d6. Steve's
Dark Elphar is a scratcher able to use Gandcraft
to hurl. projectiles like the the finnish wizards
of old and you hit automatically what was your
damage 11 100 yes eminently reasonable if the
gand fly sparks off the creature's hide and obviously
penetrates through its scales where it unleashes
a monstrous bellow you get the sense that with
all of you hammering on the creature that you
are slowly wearing it down even though it is
insubstantial and occasionally translucent depending
on who is watching it it is falling under the
mass of blows okay we can still turn it around
let's go to the top of the round thing has fallen
big life is striking with his hunting knife and
he yells at you all are you not the ale -drunk
sheep i think you are strike men fast turn okay
cj you want to unleash a belly full of lead i
can tell yeah just at least once with your bloody
runes so roll So Bloody Runes is how many dice
extra? 3d6 plus the Machine Gun's 3d6. And I
believe since Bloody Runes was already cast,
Orlog can be invoked. So since it is a creature,
I can cast it at a level 4, so I can give myself
another 4d6. You cast it at level 3 because Bloody
Runes is your level 4. Plus 1d6 for a Fractured,
so 10d6 all in all as you. And I'd be interested
to see what your companions make of you peppering
this thing with lead. I mean, I have been telling
them at regular intervals that I am a god. Yes.
Cover your ears. The gods have business to do.
I'll start rolling and you guys can... Okay.
The air trembles with a continuous roar of gunfire.
And the bullets are maxed. merge into a metal
storm and begin to hammer with Mitli against
the priest. 44. Okay, your bullets strike with
ferocity, peppering the dragon's scale high.
What else have we got? Well, Storhead sees this
happening and he almost drops his sword and spear
in shock. He says, this god has a... A thunder
stick firing troll's teeth, some strange magic.
I'm glad he's on our side, Lucky. And then he's
going to go ahead and strike with two weapons,
sword and spear, this time. That means he gets
a whale, right? And also, do we still have the
whale from Horn, or is that gone? Nope, that
lasts for a whole minute. So I get one whale
for striking with two weapons, correct? Yep.
It's not great. It's just a 12. Not able to penetrate
that thick hide, I'm afraid. So distracted by
the thunder stick. Rowdy, did you have a roll?
John, did you have a roll? Going to run up to
the dragon, irritated, angry, get out the coins
that I took for refugee, throw it. in anger at
the dragon saying something along the lines of
how do you like them apples and attacking and
it's a total of six boy that was yeah it's divisible
by three does that count for anything uh joe
what did you have so i am uh grabbing a handful
of small vials smashing holy water all over my
sword I invoke the good fortune of all those
divinities that favor redheads. Very sensible.
And that is a 17. Which is enough to injure the
beast. Now roll for me if you would. 8 dice,
6 plus 5, I think we said. That is 33. Nice.
There's a lot of gods that like redheads. as
you hew the creature with your sword. So, between
you all, you have done an impressive amount of
damage. The sustained onslaught is wreaking its
toll, and the mighty dragon begins to falter
in its fight. Bill, I think you're the only one
I haven't gone to. So, yeah, I may need a little
guidance here. Unusually, atypically, my play
style. So I'm wondering whether I should be doing
meditation so that I'm ready to do the big heal
again on someone who might need it. Or whether
I should try and attack it with like a reverse
one of the remaining healing spells. So what
I'm going to suggest is while you are a Valkyrie
and as the chooser of the slain you can reverse
your spells. You've already tried that last episode
and it didn't work. Oh shit. And also, because
you've got the gandride on, you can still take
a stone turn faster for a few more rounds yet.
So you could simply retreat and use improved
meditation to get some of your spells back. You'd
effectively be uttisetti. You'd be sitting out
and communing like John's showed you how to do.
Yes, he's done it beautifully. It's been a life
lesson in so many ways. All right. You know what?
I think I'll do that. So you're absconding? I'm
stepping a little bit back and meditating so
I'm ready to do the big heal because I am a healer
at my woody core. Okay. And when you say a little
bit back, how far is a little bit? How far can
I go? Half a mile. You can go... If you rushed,
you could go 30 yards. I want to go just far
enough that I can get back in. So just ten yards?
Yeah, let's say ten yards. And I'm certainly
ready to do the narrow escape thing, as we discussed
earlier. Right on top of that. Good, good, because
that's exactly, that ten yards is exactly the
radius of the flames that are about to deluge
all of you. As the dragon lifts up its head and
it rears into... The sky wafting the ground with
its powerful wings and taking to the air, leaving
its ridged belly exposed, but about to immolate
you all in an abundance of flame and fury. If
you would all first of all take for me 27 damage
and then make a slight roll on top of that. Steve,
you are accepted from that because you are outside
that. I saw your grimace, but you have been shooting
at a distance using long range as your friend.
Everyone else, slight roll, please. Bill, now
you may use narrows. Yeah, I was just going to
say, because given I'm a little flame sensitive
and I only have 27 or 29 health, it seems like
a good time. Narrow escape enables your fill
again. to come to your aid and guide you out
of the immediate disaster area. Okay. Thorfinn
is still wearing his ring with St. Agatha's hair
in it, which he believes will affect him against
all fire. That should probably have no effect
on what actually happens next. I just wanted
to mention it. If you'd like, that can be the
thing that erupts into flame first and falls
to the ground in ashes. So, I also rolled a one.
I just wanted to make sure that everybody knew
I was holding the ring up when that happened.
Your gods have forsaken you. Rowdy, what did
you get? Eighteen. I rolled a fourteen on mine.
Okay. Rowdy and Andy, your heroes fling themselves
to one side in the nick of time, avoiding the
bath of flame. So that damage I said, what was
it, 27, is all you've taken since you were broadly
healed last time. And perhaps you have survived
that particular onslaught. Just barely. John,
I don't know if you want to take a moment for
our listener to describe... your withered, blackened
corpse. Absolutely. As the flames completely
wash over Thorfinn, obviously the first expression
on his face is genuine surprise, because he's
got about 11 different things on him that are
supposed to stop this from happening. As he continues
to burn, he pulls from a pouch inside his cloak
a fragile, flimsy white box, and he gasps, Behold!
For the ultimate auspice I traveled, paths unknown
to any in this part of the world, to the heart
of the great city of St. Francis, and there I
gained this favor. And he reaches into the flimsy
white box and takes out a kind of folded cookie,
and he shatters the cookie and takes from its
crumbs a thin white strip of parchment, which
reads, How do you keep a fool in suspense? And
then he dies. No. Perhaps what you should have
read on the piece of paper is just John, that
was a glorious and noble as well as erudite death.
You scowled the world for those games. I mean,
it was impressive. It all comes to the same in
the end, doesn't it? Now, does your long -term
co -host, and friend of the side of the podcast.
Just go post. Andy, as Thorfinn falls to the
ground, a smoking ruin, do you exclaim anything,
or is that good riddance to that rubbish? No,
not good riddance. Thorfinn is a close friend
of Storhead's, so he is going to be shedding
a tear, and and thinking fondly of his friend
who he spent many, many a night guarding the
longhouse with. But he does see the dramatic
nature of that death, and he shakes his head
and he goes, that's so Thorfinn. CJ, did you
make your roll? Are you a bit singed as the satin
fineries turn to... No, no. Triggered action.
Iron sides. I ignore damage. So she's just standing
there going, see, I told you eating the orc mare's
heart was worth it. An appropriate laugh that
time. We talked about the fact that, you know,
you're thinking of yourself as a god. Perhaps
now you do think of yourself as Balder, and so
you can only be touched by mistletoe. Let's go
to the top of the next round. The beast has taken
to the air. Yes. Fast turns or slow turns? Fast
turns. Shoot at it again. I'm just going to throw
a spear at it. Andy, that will be a slight roll
this time, so use your slight modifier as opposed
to your might modifier to hurl your spear into
the sky. Warning. This time you like Bart the
Bowman. Find. You're chink in the armor of the
lizard above, and despite the near impenetrable
scales, it roars ferociously, flapping its wings.
That's the softer, less guarded area near the
wing joints. Raph is not feeling particularly
original in the heat of the moment. He's fired
up, and he really likes what Andy just did, so
he's going to throw a spear also. Okay. Try and
split the spear that was thrown just before you.
Yeah. I got another one plus two. Just like that
other time. So instead of splitting the spear,
William Tell or Robin Hood style, you poke yourself
in the kneecap and fall flat on your face. I
mean, Rowdy is starting to roll like a regular.
Maybe we should make him a regular member of
the team. Steve, what did you want to do there?
CJ, give me your rolls in the background. 39.
39. You are a veritable hellsmith today. Yes.
And some damage. So, um, air's fifth level gand
spell. And he... Drop the singularity rate on
it. Oh, yep. A Viking singularity. If that's
the case, yes. In that case, air will summon
a black hole. A roiling clot of blackness appears
in the sky. Unsecured objects in the area move
towards it. Each creature within the area or
that enters the area must make a might challenge
roll with one woe. Actually, that would be...
Two woe, I think. On a failure, it's moved towards
the origin point. But what if I put the origin
point right in front of it? Yep. Because if it
touches the origin point, then there's a kaboom.
Correct. Can the kaboom happen? Well, it has
to make its rolls, but you can certainly summon
your... We will summon the black hole, and then
it gets to make a might challenge roll. That
may not be enough, I don't know. Ringing four.
begins to suck at existence and just rip people
towards it. I'm going to remind you, though,
that he doesn't have a mic to score and so, therefore,
is unable to be affected by things that require
mic challenge rolls. That is not the same for
Rowdy, who is on the ground having tripped over.
So... I was hoping it was higher up than that.
Rowdy and Andy, both give me a Mike Chandler
with one woe each. Rowdy, I'm actually going
to ask you to do three woes because you're a
grown man. Okay. It's a seven for me. I'm hoping
that's good. So, eight. And you got eight. So,
it's not good because... You know, I don't know
if you can imagine spaghettification around a
black golem being sucked into a temporal disturbance
that has no real part in the Vendor Age, but
it's 10 dice, 6 damage, so 15, 20. Well, not
necessary, I don't think, to roll. Oh, no, roll
all the ones. Roll all the ones now. It only
has a 30 -foot radius. Yeah. Okay. Suffice it
to say that there's 47 damage there as the clot
explodes, doing damage to everything in the spells
area. And unfortunately, you have used your Gan
spells to evaporate your comrades. I've got the
good healing spell, though. Yeah, you used a
good healing spell this time. It's a really good
one. I mean, I know the wild guy is dead, but...
Join me in my holobores. We have excellent mead.
No final words as we're spaghettified. We're
just instantly erased. Feel free to give us something
for the annals before you are utterly erased
from existence. Your body and soul vanishing
forever. Sure, yeah. Storhead looks up and sees
this black hole and feels his essence being pulled
towards it. And as he begins to fade from existence,
he says, These gods were not as helpful as I
thought. Asgore feels forlorn. He had really
been hoping to be buried, you know, in a boat
grave in Valsierda or somewhere like that. And
now it's just like... Well, what was the point?
And so he kind of disappears into nothingness,
silently, heartbroken. Steve, look what you've
done. When you said it was in the air, I thought,
I was thinking in the air, in the air. And the
thing is, for you, it's like a big floating cat
as well. So, you know. True. Leomi pats air on
the shoulder and says, never mind, we'll get
some more men. Is the dragon in the explosion
radius? With the same tear in reality caused
by this relativistic wave from your black hole,
it has also vanished from existence, torn back
through fabric of fate, woven back into the weave.
Result? Vigleaf. comes towards you with a thunderous
brow and says, You bear ill tidings. Drive this
weakling from my sight. May the trolls take you.
Be off. I have no need of things like you. At
what point does he realize he's alone because
all of his men have been vaporized? I think that's
why he's pissed. That's why he's a little annoyed.
She's just looking around, just wondering. So,
that didn't fix everything? We're not going home?
You notice that amidst the mayhem and carnage,
the aging king is lying mortally wounded and
he unclasps a collar of gold from around his
neck and He beckons to you, Gigi. Gigi's going
to go up and take a look. Oh, Gigi. Everybody's
favorite. Yeah. The king beckons you closer and
then whispers in your ear and says, Now is the
time when I would have wanted to bestow this
armor on my own son, had it been my fortune to
have fathered an heir and live on. in his flesh
for 50 years i ruled this nation but fate has
swept us away and sent my whole brave highborn
clan to their final doom now i must follow them
and he hands you the gold talk that he wears
around his neck passes it into your hand and
then himself fades I remember now he does die
at the end of the story. The Vikings and Valkyries
podcast is hammered together by a dedicated team
of scalds and smiths. Please don't forget to
like, share and sacrifice to the old gods.