Welcome to Vikings and Valkyries, an actual play podcast where time is fleeting, a madness
has taken its toll.
Joining us to do the time warp again are Bill, Steve, CJ, Annina and Terry.
Welcome to you, battle cabbages.
Hello again.
And again.
Two sacrifices.
I enjoyed slaughter geese.
Yeah, I like that last time.
I wrote it down.
It was post-it worthy.
We like a nice kenning on this show.
We also like accolades because our listener has described you all as possibly the most
hapless adventuring party ever encountered.
Have you got anything to say in your defense?
Oh, welcome.
It's a character choice.
It's always a character choice.
I never fail.
Very good.
So yesterday, as we're recording, was Groundhog Day or as we say in Old Norse, Murmels
Dagr
Now, groundhogs are, as we know, grazing members of the rodent family.
And I wanted to juxtapose them.
Annina, you're talking about your oeuvre, you're talking about your choices.
Wolverines are actually members of the weasel family.
Yes.
And they're called devil bear, skunk bear, glutton or nasty cat.
How do you as an actor channel a wolverine?
It's an innate skill I have of barely contained rage.
So I tap into myself.
Good.
That's nice to know.
So you've all been warned.
And then, Terry, one of the things we talked about at the end of last week's episode was
the fact that you approach these episodes, these recordings with great gusto and you
accompany yourself with a flag and a veil.
And I did see that you were eating from a haunch of ham or a wing of chicken.
What was it that you were going for there to create that authentic Viking approach to
this podcast?
Well, last week it was beer and rum.
Today, I've just finished off a sardine sandwich and now I've got a lovely cup of ginger and
lemon tea.
So today you're on the tea.
I ran out of beer.
That's good because you might remember the episode then by the end of the recording.
I might do, yeah.
Super.
All right.
Quiz time.
As you know, we award inspiration points.
And not that you spend them on anything, but we do award them on occasion.
And so in honor of our animal friends, I'm going to pose a question to you in two parts
this evening.
The first part is this.
Can you name the five animals associated with Odin and not just the animal type, but the
actual name of the creature in question?
Well, there's Huginn, Munnin, there's Sleipnir, there's Geri and Freki.
All right, Terry, just spoil it.
Ratatosker, the squirrel.
Larry Curly and Moe.
Larry Curly and Moe are the names of the characters on these podcasts.
So Terry went through that like a hot Dane axe through butter.
Yes, you can have Huginn and Munnin, that means thought and memory.
You've got Geri and Freki, the wolves.
Each of their names means either greedy or ravenous.
And then Sleipnir, Odin's eight-legged horse, said to be the best horse amongst gods and
men.
Loki is his mother.
Yes, he has a shape changing ability that gives him a transgender approach to myth.
Gender fluid, equine fluid.
All right, and now for the second part of the question.
Can you name the three main types of temporal paradox?
I just finished your books too, I should know this.
Hold on, let me go get it.
I think I did this yesterday.
No, tomorrow.
Steve, are you not an author?
That's very funny.
Are you not an author of sci-fi books?
Have you not got a temporal paradox on to be your tongue?
I will have already done last week tomorrow, yes.
Can I take a stab at this and get us all in trouble?
Go for it.
I feel like I should know it.
Hang on, may I ask a clarifying question first?
Is this based on ones that you created for your Viking verse or these general scientific,
philosophical, like the grandfather paradox as an example would be one physicists use
versus as opposed to the all-father paradox which is from your book.
So I'm just clarifying, which ones are you going for?
I am going for the ones that the physicists would use, but thank you for weaving the web
between them because the all-father paradox is a pun on the grandfather paradox, which
is the one where if you go back in time you kill your grandfather.
Before your mother and father were born it would have resulted in a paradox because you
could never have existed to go back in time and commit the act in the first place.
So those are the ones I'm looking for.
You've got one, have you got two more?
That's the twins paradox because as you approach the speed of light time slows down and so
if you went, I think it was for 15 years, a significant fraction of the speed of light
when you come back, whereas you've only been gone for sort of 15 years, your twin would
have had a far longer time span of being an old man by the time you get back.
I will give it to you because you dug deep there and threw in some time travel.
And it's relativity, so it's Einstein.
I don't know if it's technically a paradox, but there was that story where someone goes
back to hunt dinosaurs and treads on a butterfly and then when they come back to their own
time everything has changed.
That would be a version I think of the grandfather paradox.
Well nobody's got a butterfly for a grandfather.
So I really think it might qualify as a separate thing.
I was looking at the parallel timelines, except I don't know if that's a paradox as such,
but infinite matching timelines, so if you move through time you might wind up in a different
version of your own timeline.
It's not really a paradox.
That's one of the explanations for the multiverse, but nudging in the right direction.
There's the letter paradox, I believe, so it's where you can write a letter to somebody
in the future who will have time travel and tell them to meet you at a certain place in
time.
Stephen Hawking did this.
He did.
No one showed up at his party.
And nobody showed up.
And if time travel were possible somebody would eventually come back and visit.
So that's I think a good example of the bootstrap paradox centered around the existence of objects
or information that passed from the future to the past.
And so they became the same item in the future that was sent back.
So if you received a book in the past from your future self, then preserved it and then
later sent that same book to your past self.
That's the bootstrap paradox.
So just one more.
Well, we technically get a pass because Terry, you said, gets a point.
Fair enough.
The last one I was looking for was, in terms of the classic time travel paradox, is the
predestination paradox whereby you're part of a loop of events with something you do
in the past ultimately causes you to travel back in time in the first place.
So for example, if you travel back in time to stop an event from happening, but in doing
so you actually cause the event to happen.
Yes.
Those are the ones that are in Star Trek all the time.
It's the one that happened to me last week.
Yeah.
What catastrophe were you trying to avert, Bill?
Well, I had spilled some water all over the kitchen and I tried to go back to fix that,
but I had not tracked where I'd left the Brita jug.
So when I reappeared in the past, I knocked it flying, thus causing all the water to spill.
And then the water hit the equipment, it shorted out and I was stuck in that loop for a while,
which was very familiar after last week's part.
With the powers that you have, could you not use them for better effect, Bill?
Well, I thought I, and I think it was wise, I thought I'd start with something a little
smaller, a little more manageable.
It didn't go that well.
So I'm not ready to go back and deal with the last election result just yet.
Don't try and save the world just yet.
You perfect your Brita water filter.
Yeah.
As soon as I'm not spilling water, then I'll move up to food, I think, see if I can keep
stains off my shirt or something like that.
Super.
Well, let's rejoin the adventure.
We left you at the outskirts of Hjalpmakaar in the freezing cold with the realization
that you had perhaps experienced your own temporal paradox.
You were back exactly where you found yourself before you went to the Firefox Institute.
Okay.
So we're aware of what happened, right?
You are.
You are conscious of the past few hours and you just snapped back into reality, opened
your eyes and looking at the electric halo that sparkles above Hjálpmakaar.
Let's do something different.
Yeah, let's not do that.
Gigi is going to step forward, start walking towards the village and say, since your decision
is led to our death, I'm going to go take that bath I said I would need it.
Immediately.
No one is going to disagree with that.
Good idea.
Yeah.
Naomi says, I'm going to consult, I'm going to meditate.
I wish to go to the Temple of the Bear and also consult with my brother, Oldunger, who
runs the temple.
And also before I do that, and if Alma will just tell Eir that this is for his own good,
I wish to cast Cure Runes on the poor demented damaged creature who, although I loathe him,
I can't help feel sorry for him in his diamond encrusted damaged state.
You know I can hear you, right?
Tell Eir that I know he can hear me, but also that I'm not speaking.
I begin casting Cure Runes.
So what he said.
Uh huh.
Yeah, but we should talk to some other people in town.
Yeah we should.
Anyone with a clue, really.
Yeah.
Sorry Steve, you gain a trauma back.
I don't know if you want me to find a couch though, Bill, and sit him down.
No, so he's graffitiing on me is what he's doing, is it?
Okay.
In the hope of healing.
For his own good.
How long have you been able to do this?
I'll let tell Eir, it doesn't matter, I'm off to speak to the other Alfar, who I enjoy
talking to, who's someone that's worth my time.
Thank you anyways, you stupid tree.
Um, can you do that more than once?
You know the-
That's a great question, isn't it?
Maybe he could do it repeatedly for all of us.
Yeah, um, I mean-
So above the table, Ian?
I don't know.
Maybe I could do that once.
What?
I asked Terry, but he wasn't answering.
I'm not even going to put that in the outtakes, Bill, I'm going to keep that in the main edit.
Can I cast spells more than once, he said.
Yeah, it's a toughie.
Tell us you're on the character sheet.
I need to take my- well, not in so many words, because I wrote mine up myself.
Ah.
Really?
It should tell you on the character sheet, had you filled it in properly.
But no, you have a number of castings per level related to your power.
Uh huh.
So for example, I suspect that, without the rulebook immediately in front of me, you have three
castings of level one spells at your level of power.
So you could chase after Steve and daub him with runes three times, quick succession,
and alleviate his mental burden.
And he is quite the worst for trauma.
Is this correct?
Yeah, he's flirting with us.
I will do that while yelling back to Alma, tell him it's for his own good, as I do it,
as Ljomi does this two more times.
Great question, Alma.
Um, it's for your own good.
I haven't told that before.
It does sound like you kind of want to split the party here, which I'm fine with.
Gigi's already gone.
Is anybody following Gigi?
Um, should we run after him?
I mean, um- We know where he'll be.
He'll be in a bathtub.
Like a hero.
Unless he's very loud, we can find him easily.
You hear him in the background.
I require hot water, fragrant oils, and a scrubbing maiden with strong wrists.
It's a matter of dignity.
Eir will go to the law speaker.
Okay.
Amina, Terry, where did you want to go?
I'm loathe to suggest that you follow CJ to his bath, because that might be an HR violation.
Um, Alma's gonna sort of run around in a circle, not knowing which way to go.
And then she's gonna run after Ljomi, going, we'll need to go get the others before we
go and fight them again.
Cling tight to the banner, my dear.
Good Santa.
Okay, um- Vizsna, try and keep up.
Cling tight.
I don't know what that means.
Does that spell of yours work on um, gunshots?
Oh, I have something for that.
Just one second while I search my memory.
Medicine bag.
While I search my medicine bag, Ian is literally gripping his head.
I don't know if everyone else can see.
What I was also thinking was, it's probably my duty to go to HQ and go and see Bangsi.
And discuss the situation with him.
Oh, that's a good idea.
So, uh, discuss the situation with him.
We have now some foreknowledge of events, and I think he might be the best person to
go and discuss this with.
Alright, so let's do this.
Let's do a series of vignettes.
I'm gonna say that Eir heads to the law speaker, that Annina and Bill, the two of you go to
the Temple of the Bear, and peruse that.
CJ will come back to you in a moment or two for bath time.
And Terry will come to you shortly so that you can go and speak to Bangsi Ivaldison.
Shall we say, meet back here in four hours.
Meet in my hotel room!
Which he has, this has been established.
You do have a luxurious hotel room at the Rauderson Hotel, because the Cooking Kettle
closed after the incident with the cows within.
Rauderson Suites, I believe.
Eir, let's start with you.
So you remembered streets are dark, they are deserted as well, unusually.
So perhaps because of the quarantine that has been enforced, because of the alleged
Rabboon fever that has broken out, you can make your way through those quiet streets,
trudging through the polar night in search of the law speaker's house where you have
enjoyed fine lunches of a ludafisk, and you can knock on his door.
Before I do, I would like to ask the, I want to say elf in the shop, the seer in the ear.
You have the seer in your ear, Hrani, and I'm emphasizing the H in Hrani, because you
spent the whole of the last episode saying Prani, not a P, it's an H.
Prani it is.
Prani, okay.
Right.
So poor old Fjorn the Sklad is turning in his grave whenever he listens to the podcast.
So the question I want to ask is, is the deed legitimate?
Yes.
Okay.
So based on what the law speaker now tells me, I may learn something about the law speaker.
Okay.
So with that knowledge, I will knock on the door.
Okay, so the spirit of Hrani the seer has informed you that your deed is indeed representative
of an age old understanding that the local Skraeling would have passed it on to the heirs
of Bjarni Bjanardsson.
As you knock on the door, the law speaker, Krapti Thorfridsen, hurries towards it, opens
it up a crack, and then having seen you, he says, by Thor's roaring thunder, where have
you been?
Get in, get in.
We are on a lockdown, you know.
A lot has been happening while you've been away.
And then he gestures, points to his ear, and then does a kind of cutting gesture to his
throat.
Subtle.
Oh, he wants me to cut his, no, oh, I understand.
Okay.
And the campaign takes a wildly different turn.
Eir will play along.
What, what, what happened?
Did you not think to use the papers I gave you to enlist the ferrymen?
We did.
Well, there must be some mistake.
Harbord swears you never arrived at his jetty.
Well, something's gonna ride then.
No, we took the ferry.
We went to the mines.
Well, not with Harbard, because he's been here all along, knocking on my door, asking
for his fee.
But, but.
Then who was that?
But we did.
I met them on the ferry.
Did you, did you, did you at least find evidence to support Bjarnie's claim?
The document is genuine, and, but Daniel will never be able to claim the land here.
Take it, take the document back.
I will give you my legal opinion for free.
Oh, oh, thank you.
And what is your legal opinion?
I do notice that you have changed your shape more times than I have had, Ludafisk.
My advice to you is to cover yourself up, or you will have every beggar and criminal
in town looking to carve you up to diamond dust.
That's a good point.
They would, they totally would.
Thank you.
I sparkle.
Um, I appreciate the, the advice.
I should in fact cover myself up.
And, and now listen carefully, but I shall say this only once, and it is very important.
My legal opinion is this.
The deed does pose a legal claim that predates even the Doc Alpha.
And we know that Jarl Finnbogi had to sell his ancestral claims to the sons of Ivaldi.
We also know that Finnbogi found out about Bjarnie's land deed.
He clearly wanted to make the poor man's death look like an accident.
As my investigators told me, suicide by bear.
But you got in the way of Snow White and his intention to get his minds back.
Of course, he didn't expect old Bjarnie to come back to life and reclaim the deed.
Who on Midgard would?
Now, Daniel is next in line to inherit, but the dökkálfar, as you know, also want the
deed.
And I imagine they have destroyed Daniel's records in order to try and invalidate his
claim.
Now, this is the crucial point of law, my friend.
In the absence of an heir, the state claims the land, in which case it is, it is arguable
that the new Jarl owns the land or perhaps the Ivaldians do as custodians of the land
with their imperial endorsement.
Either way, you had best try and resolve it with the Ivaldians or have your friend, Grjotgarth,
to have him state his claim as the new Jarl.
Oh, so Gigi is actually an appropriate...
He would be recognized as a potential Jarl?
He doesn't quite have the official moniker yet.
As you know, in our society, one becomes a Jarl through inheritance, but exceptional
military leadership or wealth can also elevate an individual to this rank.
Were he to take on his responsibilities in the community, it may well be that the man
you know as Gigi would indeed have claimed to all of this vast mineral wealth.
He does act like a Jarl, it must be said.
Does he?
He's taking up...
He takes baths and everything, unlike most of the rest of the people around here.
I take baths.
I mean, usually in the stream, but...
I do have to say, it is very interesting to me that you are now consulting with an iron
woodite.
Hel's bells, it's very fascinating.
I've never seen one this up close.
Does it bite?
Only if you annoy me.
I can talk, you know.
Oh, my word, I've heard of these experiments.
Gone wrong in the philosophical implications of raising animals, the sentience are dazzling.
Pleased to meet you too, Mr. Snobby.
That's not very polite.
I should not be seen talking with you any further.
The Gap Menn and the Winter Wise have made it quite clear that I am not to consort with
you and nobody is to talk about the scar in the sky.
Right, so we certainly won't talk about that.
Hey, I'm an important part of this party.
I've made an impact, you know.
She has made an impact on my people too.
Repeatedly.
Okay.
So there.
Call me it, I'll call you it as well.
Well I feel that I have done my duty.
I have given you a legal opinion and an intense study of the document for free.
I believe that we have come to some kind of an accord.
Do take the knowledge and do what you will with it.
Be very careful though on the streets because the Winter Wise, they are not your friends.
Do you know anything about the Orcneas over there?
Orcneas?
No, I have not seen them since the Doom.
Well let's just say I have a hunch that they're close by.
I can't imagine anything of the sort.
The early warning systems of the Sons of Ivaldi would have kicked in and let us know of any
incursion.
What early warning system?
Well there are watchers out on the ice.
I believe one of the gentlemen is called Villiblom Bläker Ivaldisen.
Ah, I see.
Well thank you.
Did you get everything you needed?
I did, yes.
I think I did.
Thank you, Krapti, for your time.
And we will shimmer dissolve across to Ljomi the Alfar who strides like a colossus into
the Temple of the Bear, its wooden frames adorned with the likenesses of Odin, Thor
and the ray of the Norse Pantheon.
Ljomi, somewhat glassy-eyed as he approaches the temple, turns to Alma, who is not there,
and says, Visna, and points to the temple in front of them.
Visna, look, it is the Ash Yggdrasil.
There the gods must hold their courts each day.
What a wonder.
To be clear, you're talking to no one?
That's correct.
I'm talking to no one.
Yeah, I thought Alma had come with me, and I'm like, you know, little flashback moment,
little elder tree moment, if you will, a little damaged tree moment.
That's wonderful.
So, yeah, she decided to go with Eir, obviously, instead clearly proving who her favorite is.
I mean, she was very conflicted.
She pushed the coin in the end.
Ultimately though, Eir sparkles.
It's the sparkly.
I think that's exactly what it is.
So as Ljomi enters the temple, he is chanting the Galdr to focus his mind and to ask questions,
reaching out to the divine and ask questions.
And he's going to start by asking, if the Orcneas are parachuting, where are they parachuting
from?
You're using your corpse charm to try and speak to the spirits of the dead and asking
that question.
Yes, exactly.
That's exactly what I was implying.
The only challenge with that is it has to have a yes, no answer.
So whilst your question is an interesting one, because yes, parachutists do presumably
need to launch from some kind of platform, you need a different construction in order
to get a yes, no answer.
Yes, yes.
Well, we'll try again.
All right.
If the Orcs are parachuting, then they must have dropped from something.
Yes.
Are they dropping from the ship that the dökkálfar had mentioned, the Nailfarer?
Yes.
Have you actually worked out how these yes, no questions go now?
Because you've got an unprecedented line of interrogation.
Maybe.
Have you been inspired by the Temple of the Bear?
Do you feel holy and devout?
Perhaps.
A final question, are they indeed headed for the place known as Succfab...
I thought I could get it.
Sökkvabekkr.
Succfabacher?
Okay, give me a line read and then I'll do it again.
Nope, nope.
All these bits are staying here.
Crap.
Bastards.
Do you mean Sökkvabekkr?
Yes, yes, indeed.
One of the interesting things, just as an aside here, is the transcript.
You upload it to RSS and it gives you the transcript and it tries to recognize what
people have said.
It always says for Sökkvabekkr, it says socks for Becka.
So if anyone is planning on buying a present for Becka, make sure to get them socks.
Bend it like Becker.
So your question is, one more time.
Are the Orcneas indeed heading for the place known as Socks for Becka?
Yes.
Now, as you sit suffusing yourself in the Alfsongr and reaching out to the spirits
of the land for their wisdom, Oldunger comes to your side and places a gentle sprig on
your shoulder and says, brother, verily a figure of power looms in the morrow shade.
Mark my words well, man is wolf to man and it stirs disquiet in my heart.
Brother, what can you tell me of Succfabacher?
Sökkvabekkr?
I have not heard of such a place.
Perhaps it is an imperial site.
And the Nailfarer, what can you tell me of this ship, the Nailfarer?
Then it is beyond my ken.
But I am concerned about these mortals who clothe themselves in godly strength and yet
are stripped of humility's comforting garb.
The vision weighs heavy on my old heart and dread fear that Midgard's bloom might wilt
before the shadow of these adulterers of MIM.
Indeed.
Brother, how are the bear cubs?
They fare well.
Thank you for your inquiry, we have sadly lost trace of their mother after the sad events
in the Asbjornsson estate.
Their mother Snow White has not been found.
A tragedy indeed.
It does occur to me that I may be able to assist you looking for this.
Sökkvabekkr, I may invoke the Warden Stone and ask for you, the land spirit, to determine
where this black site may be.
Please brother, that would be wonderful.
He goes into something of a trance as he begins to sing the Alf-Songr.
The whole temple resonates with his lusty voice as he reaches out to spirits and once
his divination is complete, he says, the spirits of the land tell me that the place that you
seek is an abandoned mine, yet the doors to the mine are tightly sealed, brother.
They tell me that the den mother herself guards an alternative way in.
I do not know exactly what they mean when they tell me these things.
Perhaps you may divine their hidden meaning or purpose.
Thank you brother, wonderful, wonderful.
Now be careful brother, for fools rush in where álfar fear to tread.
Indeed and I travel with many fools, one in particular, but many fools.
Oh yes, pray can Eikthyrnir's dew not quench my rising dread, birthed from the whispers
of Yggdrasil, for its sacred whispers seem stolen to me by specters of war.
Lyomi's eyes glaze over a little bit and not looking quite at Oldinger says, cling tight
to the banner my dear and wanders from the temple.
Before you go brother.
Yes brother.
Your eyes on the sons of Ivaldi, exalted by Bangsi's hand, they seek to replace Yggdrasil's
divine providence with their own alleged omnipotence.
Yes it must not come to pass.
We will now go to Teryn.
Well I shall start off the same way we did before we went on our journey of the mind
and I will head towards the garage where I will put my skíðverg to bed.
Megainfjart says at that, here I am stuck in the freezing cold, are you going to sit by
a warm fireplace?
I suppose you're going to have a hot chocolate are you?
How many times have I got to tell you, you can't feel the cold.
And then I walk away.
And then off to see Bangsi.
There you walk back into the hallowed halls of learning that is the Firefox Institute
and once again knock on the door and you hear a strident voice call out, come the fuck in
or fuck the fuck off.
I walk in.
Villiblom you buffoon, what is it that you're doing here at this time of night?
I'm to you with information and also I need advice.
Your robes man, your robes are way too loud I'm getting tinnitus here.
Well maybe you should shut your eyes a bit and stick your fingers in your ears.
Right what is it that you want I haven't got all day.
We have to make this rabboon fever thing stick.
Well I think there's worse than that happening.
The dans?
Well it seems that the Orcneas are coming.
Orkneas?
Don't be preposterous man, we haven't seen Orcneas since they destroyed the station at
Mímisbrunnr.
Well I've seen them or seen a sign of them just days ago not far from here and also I
know that they are headed towards the mine.
Indeed is that so, the old Overseer studies you intensely using his soul sight, the ability
of the Sons of Ivaldi to closely scrutinize those they are talking to and detect false
words.
You aren't Viliblom getting delusions of adequacy are you?
More like prophetic visions shared with some companions that I found along the way to help.
Companions you say, we can't have too many people knowing our plans.
Oh there's not many, there's an álfar and there's some strange Wolverine creature and
there's a giant Fop and a Dverg.
But if we can break him down we could actually, he's covered, encrusted with diamonds so
worth quite a bit I think if we can break him down.
Yes well as for the Jarl we know full well that his lineage suffers from let's say higher
than normal recessive genes.
We cannot have them meddling in our business as we say in Old Norse, a powerless tree cannot
withstand a great storm.
Let me think Orcneas do you have any proof of this?
Well there was a, the remains of one that in the town near here, I haven't seen it myself
but the companions have.
Well what did this hearsay and bunkum?
Come to me when you have real proof sir.
But we shared a vision as we entered the town and we were ambushed by Orcneas parachuting
in and we were wiped out not too far from the mine.
You sent us there and so I think what we need to do is come up with a different plan because
if we go straight there then everyone is doomed.
Yes well the Evergreen has been badly compromised partly because of the antics of those buffoons
that you determined to hang around with.
We cannot get a message to them.
I will have to give you the keys to the Skíðverg garage and you can cause a distraction.
Take as many people as you can on your infernal contraptions and hurry to alert the people
at the site.
I think a direct approach is not recommended.
I think we're going to have to use our cunning with this.
The companions, yeah they are fools, they are buffoons but...
Expendable?
Oh definitely, definitely expendable.
But I would say that given the right conditions they could cause some trouble for our enemies.
So I think we should...
Exactly my thinking Villiblom.
Get them all on the Skíðverg, arrange a distraction and you carry on to the Sökkvabekkr archive
directly and raise the human cry.
That sounds...
Have I not made myself clear?
That sounds like a plan but see I am worried.
There were a lot of Orcneas and they were coming in from above and we didn't get to
see all of them.
We were defeated by at least 15.
So...
Do you wish to excel in the Winterwise?
Do you wish to change those god awful yellow robes of yours for something a little less
fluorescent?
Well then sir, you are not a grandee, you are a blandee.
Get on with the mission as I have instructed you.
Very well, turn around, walk out.
Unfortunately, Bangsi Ivaldison has all the charm of Geri and Freki.
You headed to gather your fellows.
Have you got any other plans in mind there Terry?
Well, we can't do it straight away because I need to get our ragtag bunch back together
again.
We did say four hours so there will be a delay.
But what Bangsi doesn't know won't hurt him I don't think.
Meganfjart, as you straw back up to him to prepare for the journey ahead and enter in the coordinates,
as to you, the things I could accomplish with my high powered motors and snow treads and
connection to MIM, if only life were not so utterly devoid of purpose and meaning.
Did you want my help or not, oh illustrious inventor?
I did program that in to you didn't I?
Go on then, tell me your ideas.
Those must have gotten lost in all the excitement, if that's what you call it.
Well, seems to me the simple thing to do is to go faster.
If we go at maximum velocity then we'll beat the paratroopers to their own spot won't
we, stands to reason.
I knew that.
Of course you did, oh illustrious inventor.
You're simply proving that the universe is composed of unending monotony and the unfathomable
power of snow.
Yes, well, you get on sorting out your coordinates and I will go and gather our illustrious companions.
I'll talk to the others skíðverg in the meantime and get them all rendered, if such a thing
is possible.
Let's move now to CJ, another shimmer dissolve and we're going to go straight to that.
But again, I don't want to make this.
Let's make it less obvious, come on.
An X rated podcast, a podcast of CJ's fine form in suds and lather
Yes, so I'm in the bath, is that it?
You have the roundness and you have a rather ornate tub and you slide into the welcoming
embrace of the steaming water and a profound sense of relief washes over you.
And then kind of like talking to himself, there's nobody else in the room.
Just thinking out loud to himself, he goes, ah, yes, the loofah .
My friend, this is the weapon of a civilized man.
A drengr must exfoliate so the gods may recognize him when he arrives in Valhalla.
That's the, that's his rubber duck three minute speech.
Do you have a rubber duck?
Yeah, I mean, I don't know if you can see this, I literally have a Viking rubber duckie.
Let's say for the sake of argument that he does.
There's a little duckie and then he has his loofah .
Ah, yes, the sweet sensation of exfoliation.
The bath is healing and restorative and the weeks of trials and tribulations seem to melt
away.
Who knows how long passes in the warm embrace of the bath.
You close your eyes, you play with rubber duckie, but then suddenly the tranquility
is shattered.
The ceiling to your sultry rips open as a deafening clatter.
The metal group above cascade into the floor and through the steam filled room you see
the malevolent eyes of intruders.
The cold intent is immediately apparent.
The bathtub is punctured by a stream of bullets and you notice the blood rushing into the
retreating form.
Oh, I just died.
Can I like reach over and try to grab something?
Oh, I take the loofah .
Gigi is going to take the loofah and he's going to say, exfoliate this you bastard.
He's going to throw it at them before dying.
He has to go to Valhalla.
He's got to.
He looks pretty now.
He's pretty for Valhalla.
Exfoliate this you bastards quite right.
Eir and Alma, you are walking along having enjoyed a frank discussion with the law speaker
Krapti, you are clutching the deed when a stray bullet whizzes past your ear ricocheting off
a nearby building behind you.
A door is flung open without warning and three orcneas assassins burst out and filled you
full of lead.
Your night time stroll is abruptly ended by the shrieking of feral orcneas.
Not again.
Villiblom you leave the garage and as you do so you see two spindly and gaunt brood
brothers step out of the shadows and one of them raises its hand before the other punctuates
the night with intense bursts of bullets and the chilling growls the savage Reavers leap
upon you and break you limb from limb which takes a little bit longer because you do have
a problem with robotic arms.
Ljomi, you hear the screams of people in the distance as you stroll down the hill from
your fireside chat at the Temple of the Bear.
The echoes of the townsfolk of Hjálpmakaar being ripped to shreds by the orcneas horde is
enough to give you pause and perhaps for a moment you think you are back on the battlefield
of Brávellir but then you too take an axe to the head and fall to the ground in sensate.
The giant slips free.
And then once again across the trails Hjálpmakaar sparkles with electric halos.
The warm lights of the brightly coloured wooden houses offer solace from the biting cold inviting
you into the safety rest and warmth of the Menfolk's dwellings.
An inky blackness descends.
You know the story.
Welcome to the Polar Night.
Wait, wait, wait, wait, this is getting old.
We can't split up, okay?
We can't split up.
We all share what we learned before we die again?
Important question.
Is Gigi clean?
No, no.
No?
Sadly not.
You are back in your bedraggled and befouled pantaloons.
My olfactory senses are still being battered.
So we need to stick together, obviously.
Splitting up has bad consequences.
I'm going to guess the same thing happened to you, happened to me and sparkles me.
Well, I think before we move any further forwards, we should discuss what we all found out while
we were separated.
Yeah.
I found out that during lockdowns they don't give you lanes for your bath.
An outrage.
Outrage, I tell you.
I can see the Jarl thing now.
Yeah, see?
Yes.
What y'all think?
Good news about the paperwork.
Yes, the deed is authentic.
Gigi, you and I will have to have a talk later if we survive all this.
We need to go to Socks for Becka.
Socks for Becka, right?
No.
That's correct.
Socks for who?
Becker.
Hello, I'm Becker.
Speaking of socks, I need new clothes at least.
If I can't have a bath without dying, at least I can have fresh clothes.
Meganfjord the Skíðverg turns its headlamps to you at the Gigi and says, I've been meaning
to ask, did you know Legsko well?
He gave up all the slush and muck for a summer of love, the deranged berk.
I told him it was all the same thing in the end. Damp.
Did that thing just speak to me?
I just thought you had his tongue and all, maybe for sentimental reasons.
Or not.
It's nobody's business.
By the way, we should probably get more weapons.
And I'm rich, let's go shopping everyone.
Almost going to take her drone out.
There we go.
Right, don't let me down.
Look after buzzes with excitement.
Delighted to be your own personal healer.
What was this about Socks for Becker?
Socks for who?
Sökkvabekkr.
That's how you actually pronounce it.
Anyway.
It's a mine.
It's a mine and the orcneas are going there and they're coming from that ship, the dökkálfar
spoke of, the Nailfarer.
Is that where we need to go?
It's where we need to go and there's a secret back door, a way in, but it's guarded.
Front is sealed.
It's an abandoned mine.
The front door didn't work when we tried it.
We got shot to pieces.
So how about the back door?
We didn't even get as far as the front door last time.
Right.
Give me a Wits challenge roll, please.
I don't have a camera, but I rolled a 20.
That adds up to 24.
We do have dokkalfar detector devices installed on your laptop, though, so we do know when
you are cheating.
Okay.
So you have the epiphany that the coordinates for Sökkvabekkr are on the other side of the
mountain range, the hill that is also dug into for Mine 7.
So Mine 7 is adjacent to or opposite and probably digs into the same geomorphic range as Rod
reckr's Drift.
If I had a camera right now, you'd see me facepalming.
Yes, of course.
Yes.
Yeah.
It all adds up, doesn't it?
We should make our way to Mine 7.
I bet you they connect.
That's the back door we're looking for.
That might be why I was told to go there in the first place, but never mind that right
now.
Gigi, did you want to go shopping?
Gigi is thinking everything over and says, I don't mean to suggest that we are the problem,
but so far the Orcneas have met us in the field and in my bath.
They seem so far to show up wherever we are.
Therefore, we may perhaps dictate the field of battle.
What do you propose, oh potential Jarl?
Let's get some big fucking guns and entrench ourselves and take them down.
Remember, I'm rich.
I can buy big things.
Storm shooters, tank guns, something bigger.
How much time do we have?
Because you weren't even finished your path before they showed up.
He had a long time.
He was washing away weeks of anguish because he'd been, he'd spent at least three adventures
in soiled clothing.
And so I think we could say that he was in there for a good three hours.
Therefore, I suggest we visit Gunnar.
Gunnar, Gunnar, how do they say it in Norway, in Old Norse?
Gunnar.
Well, I've been working with Gunnar.
Gunnar is...
Gunnar, Gunnar, Gunnar.
Socks for Becker.
Yeah.
Socks for Gunnar.
Socks for Gunnar and buy some guns.
And I know he's got clothes as well.
Some military fatigues, something a little bit razzle dazzle.
Any bombs?
If you're going into a mine, then you need dynamite.
He has bombs.
And we have a walking cash machine in Eir.
Wait a minute.
That's great.
I may be rich, but he's a walking diamond mine.
He makes a good point.
My friend, you are about to do your greatest service to me yet as currency.
It's exquisite, pure diamond.
You and I will have to have a talk later.
This is for the good of us and the good of the North, Eir tells himself.
Except we are the town, the entire town is on lockdown.
That is true.
It'll be cheap.
Gunnar.
I shall knock louder.
Gunnar's Gun store is the one place that is open in defiance of the curfew.
It's neon sign fizzing in the darkness.
Gunnar Weatherbag has always been a slightly discontented fellow.
And if anyone's going to buck the rules and do their own thing, then it's him.
So you are welcome to see whether he is indeed open for business.
We do know he has a whole shop with diamonds.
To Socks for Gunnar!
Well, in that case, we need to be very, very careful when we approach the store.
We need to be all very aware and we need to make sure that we are not walking into another
Hambush.
No, no, not that again.
Work that.
We are definitely stuck in a time loop.
The you may knock on the door.
Are you issuing forth?
Yes, knocking on the door.
Eir will I think it wise to conceal himself because I think if Gunnar's takes
one look at him, the value of individual diamonds will plummet.
If I get a price, then I will come in.
Yes, what do you think you want?
What an eccentric.
Yes, I have a little game.
What is it?
There's a curfew on, you know.
We need weapons, large weapons.
Dead weapons.
It's huge.
Oh, my apologies for being so rude to you.
Last time we met, I was very upset about Eric Redshirt and he did have my favorite coat.
Oh, but all is forgiven.
Such a fine regal girl you are, graceful in power and so supreme in judgment, much like
the majestic eagles of old.
Yes, now I require weapons so devastating that Thor himself shall clutch at his pearls
at the sight of them.
And bombs, please.
And bombs.
Well, you've come to the right place.
The tales of your victories, O valiant Jarl, they form the pillars of my faith and my pride.
You really are one of the new gods.
Lovely, thank you.
And just, he kind of beckons the shopkeeper Gunnar a little closer so that the others
can't hear.
Also, I need to discuss fashion with you.
A man should never go into battle looking like an unwashed peasant.
You can help me, can't you?
Yes, of course.
And where are my manners?
Do you want something off the peg, sir, or do you want something made up?
Your finest.
Make me look delicious.
Oh, well, what a magnificent girth you have.
People must gasp in wonder at it, Jarl.
That's the point.
Imagine the surprise on the Orcneas faces when they see how beautiful I look.
Yes, and have you thought of a color, sir?
He has some excellent blue serge.
The lady's like a man in a suit, don't they, Jarl?
I like purple.
Purple.
Purple it is.
Even your mere gaze, O luminous Jarl, is a bounty in itself, guiding my fate like the
North Star.
Wonderful.
Oh, take a little while to bring the richness of your garb up to snuff.
So would you mind if I take your measurements, and may I inquire as to how you will be paying
for this magnificent tapestry that I plan to weave?
Well, as luck would have it, we recently came into some money.
Oh, indeed.
I do like…
Above and beyond what I already have.
I do like money, of course.
If you want me diamonds, then all is forgiven.
Yes, my fylga is with me today, for I shall bring you all of the diamonds.
Wonderful.
Do take a few, rest your feet, and I don't want that wombat in here, though.
Can you take it outside?
It might eat things.
I hate this town.
And while you're at it, you can get rid of that tree, too.
I mean, people might mistake it for a hat stand.
I wouldn't want to get in the way of your new clothing.
I've heard every girl crazy for a sharp-dressed Jarl.
Wait!
Now, I do have a pressing question.
How long will this take?
Because I believe we have about four hours before we all die again.
Well, I'll have to take your measurements first, then I can whip something up.
Um...
If I whip, you mean, uh, 20 minutes?
30?
Oh, not for some one of your, uh, protuberances.
So Gigi kind of looks back, takes a deep breath, really wants some new clothes, then accepts.
Let's just go with the weapons for now.
We are in a rush.
Whatever came to pass for that thief and murderer, the dökkálfar?
He's, uh, still...
Wait.
I'll tell you in a moment.
Show me the guns first.
Guns, bombs, you'll see.
Yes, yes.
You will be delightfully surprised.
Take your pick.
Look for the cannons.
I feel like we need it, whatever we can get.
Do you have any Hrotgarmr howling dogs?
Well, if you've got the coin, I've got the connections.
Do you have them here?
In the shop?
I can get them, but I don't keep them in the store.
They're in a secure warehouse.
We need everything you have here today, now, at this moment.
We don't have time.
Like I said, we've been killed twice already.
The clock is ticking.
We need whatever you have on hand.
Do you have any more storm shooters?
Delivery.
Oh, well, you see, you give me enough diamonds and I can do anything.
I've got a chisel here if you want to have a little bit of a go with it.
It's worth it.
You should just ask for delivery.
I'll know where to pick it up.
Delivery?
Do we have time?
Yes.
It's a special delivery.
All right, we will have it delivered.
Where is this warehouse of yours, by the way?
It is just on the other side of town.
I'm sure this Son of Ivaldi on his motorized scooter can head over there and make himself
useful.
The Winterwise have been messing up this town ever since they arrived, inflating prices
with their...
Well, they've got no taste, have they?
Look at those yellow robes.
Yes.
Oh, I see.
Delivery.
He can go get it with the skidvergr.
Come back.
We can pay.
Yes.
Ah, yes.
Well, let's do that then.
All right.
So we'll take two Hrotgarmas, a Sprenguilvarta, the burst thrower.
We wanted bombs.
Dynamite.
One of those.
Do you have any flamethrowers?
I don't see them on this list.
Oh, they're fun.
But whoever has it, I'll stand behind them.
I've been singed more than once.
Yes, and Orcneas definitely are flammable.
I think everyone's pretty much flammable.
Maybe not sparkles.
Is he flammable?
Excellent question.
Perhaps not.
Hopefully not.
The air is tainted with the shrill sound of far-off screams as we recognize the familiar
sound of the Orcneas feasting on the living.
When the great ring fortress of the skulls fell at the end of the war, you recall the
last panic broadcast called the Orcneas the eaters of the dead.
And now again they were on your doorstep, the sound of their grunts and snarls merging
with the intermittent noise of the machine guns.
Oh no, Blimey!
What's that all about then?
They're the ones I told you about.
They are here.
I knew we shouldn't have wasted time.
Oh bloody hell!
Take cover!
Oh Mother!
What the hell?
Oh my god.
The footsteps grow louder and interspersed with even more roaring of machine guns, constantly
regenerated by their yield to DNA.
The Orcneas always hungry, driven by an intense need to fuel their voracious cells.
Within minutes they are upon you when you're approaching the march, marked by their berserk
howls, their minds broken by exposure to the Ginnungagap.
They advance on Gunnar's gun store and within moments the whole store is alight, burning
and immolated with grenades and gunfire.
During these moments, is there a back door that we can run out of?
Yeah.
I think we're all dead.
There is indeed a back door, but as you reach for it, you hear the harsh brigand songs of
rebels, the drawing songs of hard-labour convicts, romances sung in thieves' cant, as if it
is a parody of the spiritual Alfsongr.
Something out there, possessed by the starry void, you see this creature walking proof
that the darkness is anything but empty, its suit echoing with the howls of the Eternal
Choir.
It summons dark spirits, eldritch spirits, laced with ice and rime, animated with vengeance,
and you are flung back inside the burning building and you scream your last.
So it's still on fire, but could Gigi draw his sword and go out the front?
You may go out whichever way you wish, but you are met with a hail of bullets, and in
an instant you are back to where you began.
Welcome to the Polar Night.
You robbed me of my line.
We're going to need a bigger boat.
We can't stay here.
Let's go to the mine now.
Back door.
Let's go to the back door.
This time, full throttle.
Sounds good.
Let's outpace them and fight these Orcneas on ground of our choosing, not theirs.
Okay then, I suppose all my engineering is wasted.
All you want to do is holler and hoot while I carry you as fast as I can, oblivious to
the existential uncertainty that comes with every trial.
That's it, poor Meganfjart.
We're all going to get Skíðverg and then we're going to go.
The full budget audio effects.
Driving at maximum speed.
I have low confidence in this plan.
Anyway, go ahead, sorry.
Let's just skidoo.
Or skidaddle as the case could be.
One of the things that your automated systems would do to take any threat of crashing or
careening off the icy trails would be to put them on autopilot.
Meganfjord recommends that he and his fellow Skíðverg handle the driving for you so that
you can concentrate on things like singing your songs and chatting amongst yourselves.
That way you won't crash in case a paratrooper drops in front of you.
The journey that was so many hours on foot as you first traversed this trail all of those
months ago with Bjarne Bjarnarsson taking him to the Attestupa, the Trolls Tongue to throw
him off to his death, the events that have led to this whole saga.
That journey of many hours is truncated to perhaps an hour of whizzing through the snow.
Again, Alma's tongue is lolling with happiness.
The drone that we look after is also whizzing around and combined with the sightless ability
for Villiblom, the detective abilities of the dream site, you evade any of the paratroopers
you are zooming far too quickly.
They plunge to the earth, dashing into the snow far behind you and you approach the entrance
to Mine 7 where you recognise the once broken water pump that you helped to fix.
But you are fairly sure that you will see some friendly familiar faces in the form of
the seven dvergr.
Does this mean that everyone dies in Hjálpmakaar now?
Hello there!
You again!
You think that we are happy to enjoy this visit to our lovely mine which is going to
be a real good treat for all of us?
But we have told you before, we are not at home to Mr Cockup.
We cannot have you talking about shafts.
There are Orcneas headed this way that aim to kill everyone.
Let us in so we can have some semblance of a chance at pushing them back.
Exactly.
CJ, I'm going to ask that you make a Will roll to show your charm and persuasion.
Now you are an honourable fellow so you should have some bonuses to this.
Do I get a...
Plus six.
Do I get a weal?
Yeah, okay.
Nine plus who?
Eleven.
Okay, just enough.
Oh dear!
Then we have to stop.
We lose valuable minerals.
We are not coffee machines.
We cannot just hit the pause button.
Besides, we already have the irritation of the Mother Bear and all of her Kinder Cubs.
We will not meet all of our erections.
There won't be pause buttons if you're all dead.
Exactly that.
Orcneas we are dealing with.
They are on our tails.
If you don't let us in, we'll all be dead, including yourselves.
Well, it is very, very annoying but if you can deal with the Mother Bear and we can get
our actions back on track, then we will be most appreciative except for the dökkálfar.
We know what he wants to do.
He wants to bamboozle us and steal all of our minerals.
We want to get through the mine.
Is there a shaft that leads through the mountain?
I will bamboozle you later.
Yes, you can go to the B shaft but that is what I am telling you.
There is the Mother Bear.
I was warned, Ljomi says there is a guardian to the back door of the mine we are trying
to get to.
Yes, the bear.
She has made her den there.
They do not hibernate, you know.
They make their dens and they are good mothers.
They are giving their toothless babies a little home.
Do we have a spare human?
One bear is better than a horde of Orcneas.
What we could do is drive the bear out of its den towards the Orcneas and then use it
to delay them while we get on to Sökkvabekkr.
Excellent plan.
Can that be done?
I can handle a bear.
I am just wondering whether Bill, who was just prayed at the temple of the bear, is
going to go along with that plan.
I am vaguely misremembering that I had some way of interacting with the animals but some
way to charm them, sweet talk the bear.
Otherwise we just put the men in front.
That has worked for us before.
Yeah.
Well, there are seven Dverg here.
If there were only six, I doubt they would even notice right away.
How far is the Orcneas behind us?
Are they headed in our direction and imminent?
Let's just say they are hot on your heels.
Right.
Alma is going to go towards us.
Right.
If it doesn't work, we can try again.
That's true.
Have you not heard of positive thinking?
Come on.
I am positive we are all going to die.
Great.
Let's do this.
How big is the shield thing that Terry can make?
Could it fill a whole shaft?
It's three meter diameter, I do believe.
And it only lasts for one minute.
So we have to choose carefully.
So Gigi is going to look and say we need to lure the Orcneas into the mouth of the cave,
put up our shields and blast the fuck out of them.
And I do believe we need to be quick and we need to cast any preparatory spells that we
might need to make ourselves more powerful.
It won't take long.
I'll cast a few runes and give us some protection and some extra damage as well.
Could the skíðverg, could we use those independently?
Have they all got harpoons, harpoon cannons?
No, just yours.
Just mine.
You retrofitted it with the latest in puncturing technology.
Yes.
There is a deep growl that reverberates through the B shaft that the Dverg pointed you to
and padding out of the darkness.
Those of you with more than just normal vision see the huge hulking form of a polar bear
pad towards you, its teeth bared.
Now this particular specimen has already eviscerated some members of the party and has obviously
got a taste for man flesh.
I'm so glad I'm not a man.
Can I see any of the Orcneas?
You're like getting closer?
The Orcneas will be hundreds of meters away and you probably have 10 minutes before they
find you, if they find you, because you have all just entered a mine shaft.
I think we should try and get by the bear, not try and set it against the Orcneas.
But I don't know how to get by the bear.
Talk to it man.
Gigi, I presume that you're out front, like the natural leader that you are, you're sword
drawn facing the polar bear down.
That is a possibility.
Yes, yeah, of course.
He's honor bound.
Then something very interesting happens because Isbjorn stares at the heirloom sword bear claw
that you hold in your hands and instantly goes supine.
Do you remember how once the bear Snow White was berated by Finnbogi and collapsed to
the snow cowering, the majestic beast reduced to fear and panic.
It appears that the bear paw has some kind of effect on the creature and it slinks to
one side, letting you pass.
You say it went supine?
Mm-hmm.
Do you think it wants me to rub its belly?
I wouldn't risk it.
It is rather scared of you, or maybe that blade that you hold, and it is showing its
belly in a sign of submission.
So if we all gather around you, then we can all pass relatively safely while it is being
submissive to you.
Oh, so fancy, fancy, you stand here, we will walk past and then you come behind us.
Come on.
I didn't expect it to do anything, am I?
Just stand there.
Just stand there?
You said submissive, but I didn't get the wench of them.
Well, once we get safely past it, you can knock yourself out.
Stand there looking impressive.
Yes.
It is the expectation.
Ljomi is inching past both the bear and the bear.
Alma is trying to crowd control the rest of them past this thing.
Behind the bear is an elevator shaft that was hidden from view behind its bulk.
The hidden elevator only has one button down.
I suggest we push that button.
Yeah.
I suggest we get in, then push the button.
Well, even better.
Yeah.
Perhaps we even wait for Gigi and then push the button.
Should we?
Is there room for Gigi in that elevator?
It's going to be very tight.
You're all going to be pressed against those soiled pantaloons.
It's not my fault you won't let me have a bath.
I didn't know you could release noxious smells like I can.
The right fish.
Anything's possible.
The elevator shudders to life as you press the button and begins to descend into the
hidden depths.
It opens.
A few minutes later, the steel doors move into one side and you see an array of suspended
racks, glass display cabinets, mobile shelving units, all kinds of things that are almost
as if it's a cultural archive.
It is very cold here, also as if refrigerated.
I was going to take a look after.
Out again.
Let it buzz slightly ahead.
The look after immediately spots a rather rotund man, his hair scraped back in a long
ponytail, who seems to sweat even in the refrigerated cold.
He's working at the back of the archive.
The whole place is illuminated with strip lighting and filled with a loud whirring such
as would come from cooling systems.
Is he an Ivaldi?
He's wearing a robe and he has a beard.
The robe is inflated as if it's a cold suit and his beard is clipped short to avoid perhaps
an awkward accumulation of ice.
He comes towards you, muttering his way through the thicket of suspended racks.
He spots you and he says, oh, hello, my friends.
Tell me how many times have we done this now?
Uh, hello.
Hello.
Silly me.
Where are my manners?
Welcome to the Doomsday Vault.
My name is Raudr Cerdan.
And if you don't remember, I am the caretaker here.
He throws out his arms like an inflatable impresario.
Gigi steps forward, flits his dirty cape back and goes, and I'm Gryotgarth, the Magnificent.
My friends call me Gigi for short.
Wonderful, wonderful.
Can I offer you a cup of tea?
Why did he ask us how many times have we done this now?
He's probably seen us die.
You know, the four times we just did.
There is no need to whisper, my friends.
I could tell you exactly.
For us, it's our first time here.
Oh, dear me.
Well, then perhaps this will not work out.
Uh, oh?
We're hiding from the Orcneas, really?
You have at least found a good place to hide.
You see, we are servants of the Firefox Institute, and I believe that Bangsi has triggered this
time loop as a protective measure, like a sprinkler system or an emergency alarm.
We will not be able to undo the effect until such time as the Orcneas threat has been
contained.
Have they made it this far before?
No, the whole automated defenses all came online at the same time as the time loop activated.
We have many important artifacts to protect in Sökkvabekkr.
I shall stride forward to the front and announce myself.
Will any of these artifacts be useful that we can use for defense?
Well, if you can make use of military history or genetic blueprints or cultural treasures,
then of course, this doomsday vault is designed to protect the very best of mankind and store
it in a time capsule, if you will.
So this is a records vault?
Yes, we are protecting the memory of mankind off the grid.
Military history section sounds like it would be really useful right now.
By military history, do you mean like books or like old guns?
Everything is stored on digital tape.
One of my jobs as caretaker is to transfer the materials.
I'm sorry you look disappointed, but knowledge really is power.
That's so when there's 30 orcneas on your heel, but otherwise I get the point.
30 orcneas?
Oh, my sensors have detected at least 60 outside.
Perhaps you have encountered a small contingent.
When you say that you have the information stored on digital tape and you transfer that
information, is it possible, do you have fabrication equipment that we could transfer that information
to make things?
I do not.
I am a simple custodian.
Do you partake?
I am making some tea.
I put a little touch of hen bane in it.
It helps with the clicking.
The language of the Verdandi, they claim to speak to the birds.
And you notice that he has a raven skull amulet around his neck.
He says, I cannot say that I speak it as they do, but I do get a vague sense of its melody
like a throbbing inside my head.
First, the tea, and the question, you who have knowledge, presumably, how does one kill
an orcneas so it stays dead?
Very, very good question.
The best way is to cleanse them with fire.
Oh, that flamethrower would be so good right about now.
Well, you shield, you are in luck.
I, of course, cannot take on 60 orcneas single-handed, but I do have some flamethrowers here enough
for one of each of you.
And you can take them on and burn them to a crisp to prevent their cellular metamorphosis.
You will have to take the flame casters and I will release the sealed blast doors one
by one.
The sons of Nifl are not immune to fire.
I accept this narratively convenient development.
Well, the time loop has enabled me to prepare many times over.
Okay, flamethrowers all around.
Really?
Er, kind of takes a sideways look at Ljomi.
Ljomi steps back, arranging his bugs carefully towards the back of his back and steps back
from the rest of the group.
As he hands out the flamethrowers, Raudr Cerden says, if you come back this way again, I will be
glad to show you around.
See, I always fancied this fort as a some kind of gorge ferryman.
We call this place the Drift because it is one of the rare places where you can cross
between one side of the river of existence and another.
Well, he's a corker.
Does that elevator go up?
Yes, Varangian, it is now to you to take anxious watch as night shadow deepens and deal with
the orcneas.
Gigi is not a deep thinker, but he is a practical.
Just in case.
Where's the best place to ambush them?
So let me describe this area, so you've come down the shaft, you're inside this mountain
vault.
There is another shaft, because remember mine seven is adjacent.
You've come down and through.
There was another shaft on the opposite side of the hill that leads into Sökkvabekkr
And according to the internal security cameras that are pointed at the blast doors that route
a certain remarked upon, the orcneas are trying to breach the facility through that
front gate.
And you would surmise that since there's a whole group of these orcneas out front that
the paratroopers that you encountered were just one contingent of this invasion force.
We're going to have one lot coming up behind us, the way we came, because they followed
us, but the rest of them are going to be at the front.
I do not think that is likely if they found their way through mine seven, they would be
unable to find the hidden entrance.
That's good.
Okay, so one way in.
How many are there multiple blast doors inside the other?
There are, and in actual fact, studying the footage from the monitors, you see that the
blast doors have come down in some cases severed an orcneas head from its shoulders, leaving
them writhing on the floor.
Some of them appear to be trapped between two blast doors and unable to go anywhere.
The rune master points out that they would normally asphyxiate because the air had been
sucked out from that chamber, but because they're used to the vacuum and void as creatures
of the Ginnungagap, they don't breathe and they haven't died and they are just trapped
clawing at the blast doors.
Exterior cameras that point out from Sökkvabekkr onto the Tundra and have the same thermal
vision as you detect that there are a whole heap of bodies, some of them are sons of a
Ivaldi some of them are menfolk, some of them are mercenaries employed by the Noatun
Institute, the Gap menn that you have previously seen standing around with their dark glasses,
the equivalent of this universe is NASA.
That front entrance has clearly been the scene of a massacre, a bloodbath, and only a few
orcneas have penetrated into the interior where these blast doors are.
So outside the main entrance is just the aftermath of a bloody and bitter battle.
OK.
I have an idea.
Go on.
Fire, excuse me, keeper of the knowledge.
Do you have petroleum, oil, something flammable, liquid and lots of it?
Flame thrower fluid?
Yes.
Use the flame casters.
Those are nice, but I also want something that I can pour onto the ground and then we just
let them in, heap into our pit and light it on fire, both from above and below.
Oh, I like that.
Ljomi moves way back at that situation.
There's a semblance of a plan there, CJ, but again, think of it as a corridor, an electric
corridor with kind of rails where they run carts and trolleys for the purposes of conveying
things.
There are blast doors at either side, so there's no way to get above or below the tunnel.
It's a modern constructed tunnel dug into the hillside with blast doors on either side
that have trapped them.
But certainly opening this blast door would enable you to do a version of your plan, which
was, I presume, to stick loads of petrol in and then set fire to it.
Would it be possible to open one of the doors, let a few through, close the door, cut them
off and sort of do them a few at a time sort of thing?
Do we have that much control over the doors?
You do if you want to effectively organize your own little barbecue.
Well, what we could try, maybe also we could sacrifice a couple of the flame, how many
flame pros have we got?
Five.
So Mr. Tree Man, he's not going to be using one.
So we could maybe sacrifice one of those, empty its fuel into the section of the corridor
to be like a puddle and then open that up and set it off.
And I take it we can be behind the next blast door so we can see whether it's working or
not.
If it is, then we can go in and do a bit more hosing.
If not, we've got four more.
We only need one flamethrower to actually do the lighting of the puddles of flamethrower
fuel.
And this is why he's called the Science Viking.
I will control the door to give you the maximum of an impact.
Sounds good.
Yeah.
Raudr Cerden looks at you, staring intently.
He holds his raven amulet skull for good luck and he says, may the gods be with you.
And then he presses the button.
Immediately on the other side, several of the savage orcneas leap to their feet and
snarl.
They all reach for their guns that they have holstered.
One of them again, you see a figure that you had once seen in a previous time loop, the
Helm Ogre, the Hjalm Skass.
And it begins to ululate with the spirit of convicts and corpses raising the devil corpses
to ire and fury.
They scream in unison as they lurk towards you.
We've put the petrol on the floor.
I'd certainly hope so, otherwise he opens the door far too quick.
Flamecasters work in a very simple way in that you fill the corridor with a flood of
fire and immolate everyone all in one go.
So you're going to give me two times six damage each plus whatever you decide to add with
your various spells and abilities.
Would it be possible to cast a bind rune, it says one creature within medium range,
cast a bind rune on that big thing.
And if it does try and move forward, it's going to take a hell of a lot of damage.
Yes, that would be in lieu of you blasting away with your flamecaster.
Yes, indeed.
You could use your bind runes to create a protective circle around the Helm Ogre and
prevent it leaving that circle without taking extreme amounts of damage.
Well, I hope I really want it to move.
So we'll see what it does.
Okay.
Villiblom has quickly cast bind runes to entrap the Helm Ogre and its skull-like spacesuit
because that's effectively what it looks like, a skull in a spacesuit.
And then everyone else can do what they want to with their fast hands.
Are there any orcneas coming in too?
All of them are moving as a rabid, fetid horde with their arms outstretched and their guns
about to fire.
So if I have one flame throw, I would like to step forward and then blast, blast at them,
making sure to catch the floor.
Give me your rolls.
And Gigi will do the same.
Can I use quick hands?
You don't actually, sorry, you don't actually have to roll to hit.
You're just spewing fiery fury into the tunnel and there is no way that you can miss.
So is it 2d6?
Ooh, can I use weapons expertise to get extra damage?
You can.
And should you wish to, you can use one of the inspiration points to turn one of those
dice rolls into a six.
Good idea.
We were just going to say that.
So will we have a five or four, another five?
One of six.
Bam.
The room erupts into fire.
The flame casters are volatile and dangerous and their fuel extremely combustible.
The
themselves being sons of Nifl used to vacuum take double damage.
Nice, nice, nice.
Good, good.
And she does smile, kind of creepily happily when.
Savoring the sweet succulent smell of roasting orcneas flesh.
Is there any need for Gigi to roll for damage or did that take care of it?
I think the whole point is to fill the room with flame and fury.
Okay.
And presumably some kind of cutting insult.
Remember your mocking taunts have upgraded to cutting insults.
Don't worry, it's coming.
But I am going to invoke Orlog and I'm going to do it at level three.
And so then I'm going to do and then plus their haunts.
So I get an extra an extra one.
So let me roll for damage.
Toasty.
Oh, I rolled two sixes.
That was nice.
Twenty two points total damage.
Is that doubled because they're all on fire?
It is.
Is while he's shooting, he's going to he's going to yell out.
May Gigi's inferno be the last light you ever see.
Good.
And was there anything that you wanted to contribute to the maelstrom?
Yeah, the helm ogre.
I understand we wanted it to move.
That would cause it to stumble across the bind runes and take six six six damage.
Exactly.
I think then I will use Eir will use great wrath.
In the with the aim to enrage it and make it unreasonably angry at one of its colleagues
and turn and chase after said colleague and hopefully leave the binding runes.
So 15 plus four is 19 plus two is 21.
The creature howls in rage, echoing through its spectral helmet, the skull jaw chattering
as it tries to leave the bind runes.
Terry, give me your six by six.
The six.
Oh, oh my God.
That was rubbish.
Grand total of ten.
Oh, look at that.
Still adds to the cacophony of carnage and chaos.
The creature rushes towards you, explodes through the bind runes and is further immolated
in your runic magic.
It collapses its well worn gap suit, melts into a heap and a puddle and whatever cage
spirit was within vanishes into the tunnels beyond the rest of the Orcneas roast in your
flames and roast in CJ's cutting insults.
Behind you, round a certain class, you on the back and begins to clap with enthusiasm
and says, well done, my friends, such a problem, such magnificence.
I have not seen anything of his like for many a year.
Ljomi leans close to the rune master and asks, can I see your raven pendant?
Yes, you may.
Isn't it pretty?
It's a raven skull.
Is there anything about it like tree sight?
Am I noticing anything?
I just suddenly got suspicious of the symbology.
No, nothing out of the ordinary.
Maybe there was something extra, something otherworldly.
He talked about a point where you can move between streams and stuff like that.
That's what I thought.
Anyway, it turns out nooo.
When the last Orcneas falls, the time loop around you closes and you are now free to
act once again.
However, as normal time as the normal course of time resumes, events around you unfold
surprisingly quickly.
And before you know it, the Firefox Institute and their cleanup crew are bustling around
you having turned up to remove the bodies from the drift and prepare any damage.
In the hour, Bangzi Ivaldison stands in front of you, taking charge, barking orders at
his underlings and berating both Cerden and Villiblom for their role in proceedings.
Viliblom!
You've exposed the entire facility!
What were you thinking, man?
Well, the fact that there's still a facility to be exposed is rather a point in our favour,
don't you think?
Don't I think?
What do you think, man?
Well I think, definitely.
I think you should not be shouting at us, you shouldn't berating us, you should be congratulating
us for saving the facility.
You sir are so dense that light bends around you.
A neutron star over there.
So you wanted the place to burn then?
Good gods.
I have said on many occasions that all of the citizens of Hjalpmakaar bring me happiness,
some when they come into my office and some when they leave.
Villiblom, you will be best served at the weather station.
That's gratitude for you.
One of the other figures that you recognise amongst the clean up crew is the young son
of Ivaldi, Blaine Ivaldison, who you met previously.
He comes over to you and says, we cannot thank you enough, sirs.
May I inquire as to your health?
Is there any need of a spruce up, shall we say?
No, no gags intended, Alfar, or you, grandfather.
Yes.
Jarl, sir, would you care for some more garments, sir?
Hand above.
That can be arranged, sir, of course.
It would be the pleasure of the sons of Ivaldi, sir, to help you in your ablutions.
Has loofah?
Oh yes, of course, sir, if I may say so.
Best keep this all hush-hush, I think, eh, sir?
We don't want to panic the good people of Hjálpmakaar, do we, sir?
It goes without saying, we do know where you live, sir.
You want me to keep a secret?
Well, if it will help, sir, the sons of Ivaldi the Winterwise will contribute, let's say,
ten imperial crowns to a charitable cause of your choosing, sir.
One of my companions is literally made of diamonds.
Ten kroner isn't going to keep my mouth shut, sir.
If it comes to bargaining, sir, I think the Winterwise have rather the advantage on you,
sir.
There are, after all, just four of you.
I'm sure it won't take much persuading to have Villiblom come across to the cause.
If you cannot keep your mouth shut, sir, then we may have to sew it shut a little bit like
Loki himself.
I'll take the ten.
Very wise.
Very good choice.
And if I may escort you all back to town, we will take you all on the skidverg.
You might notice a few burnt corpses along the way.
We'll just put it down to raboon fever and not mention the orcneas to anyone.
And of course, Sökkvabekkr.
Never heard of it, have you, sir?
Socks for who?
Exactly, sir.
Everyone should get socks for Jule, in my experience.
The cleanup crew escorts you back to Hjálpmakaar
You are able to have your bath.
You are able to rest.
Annina, do you want to just curl up by the fire in the Raudr Suite?
That was exactly what I had in mind.
The drive back to town, I chat up this cheerful fellow, Ljomie does, looking to understand
how I might join them in their efforts as the Winter Wise to help reverse the effect
of this terrible scar in the sky.
Oh, no, sir.
No, sir.
It's very kind of you, sir, but we don't need the help of the alfar, sir.
We are transcending a little beyond the confines of Yggdrasil, sir, and your arboreal sentience
isn't, how shall we say, in keeping with the Church of the One-Zero, sir.
I stare into his eyes, looking deeply into his soul, and say, cling tight to the banner,
my dear.
Yes, sir.
It's exactly the reason why we don't want the alfar and their slightly schizophrenic
personalities, sir.
You clearly have a touch of the woodworms, sir.
The old tree grounds.
You find yourselves back in the warmth and safety of Hjalpmakaar.
Clearly it is dark outside, but the time loop has ended, and the normal continuance of time
is reassuring and restful.
However, one last coda to this particular adventure is this.
Liamy, while you don't have pockets, you do have nooks and crannies, and as you sit
down to once again counsel poor Eir and alleviate his mental burden, you find in one of your
little holes...
Squirrel holes.
A squirrel hole.
Exactly.
Ratatoskr has stowed his nuts inside you.
You find a small box that wasn't there before with a crumpled note.
Well I'll open the box and read the note.
The note is in true Norse, so a runic series of sigils that you can't necessarily understand,
but also inside the box is the Ravenskull talisman that Raudr Cerdan has clearly
secretly stowed.
On the back of the note, in addition to the runes, there are a series of coordinates.
78 degrees north, 20 degrees east.
There's no explanation given, and then the true Norse will require translation.
Yes, I would take the runes to Gigi for his humble translation.
Does Eir have the ability?
Because Gigi's probably in there with the strong-wristed handmaiden.
Eir is standing quietly in the corner of a worn room.
I think, worryingly, since the quarantine is still on, the strong-wristed handmaiden
turns out to be one of this lot.
I can also read true Norse, and I have a very good understanding of it.
Then it says this.
The note that accompanies the Ravenskull translates as a trip down memory lane.
And then again, as I said, on the back of these coordinates.
I think I know where we're going next.
I know where you're going next.
Go there and stay there.
Tell Eir that I'm really not interested in his opinions, and the Yggdrasil shivers, the
old tree groans, he goes very glassy eyed, and the giant slips free.
CJ., I think you ought to invite everyone into the bath to celebrate.
There's not enough room.
Everybody's making fun of him for being in his bath.
So you just hear him behind a door, and he says, you mock me now?
But will you smell like decayed goat cocks and I radiate the musk of an immaculate god?
Then who shall Odin favor?
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