Welcome to Vikings and Valkyries, an actual play podcast. We are immersed in When the
Wolf Comes, an RPG set in a parallel timeline where the Norse rule the sea and stars with
restless fleets. My name is Ian Stuart Sharpe and I will be your one-eyed god for the campaign
ahead which we call the Thought and Memory Saga. Joining me to face their inevitable
doom are Ed, Steve and Bill. Welcome one and all.
Thank you very much.
The crowd goes suitably wild. Are you all feeling a little despondent because we lost
Jay at the end of the last episode and obviously he's not back today to join us. But Bill,
were there tears?
Lift, we hardly knew you. It's deeply sad. I'm also quite sad about the fact that we've
still got his body to deal with. This feels unnecessary. If the polar bear had finished
eating him, I think we'd be in better shape.
I think we can just double up on the ritual of throwing people off the cliff.
Respectfully, yeah. Okay. Maybe even in pieces we could share the work as it were.
Double the reward maybe too. Who knows?
It's worth a try.
Yeah, trying to eke out as much as you can possibly get. Well, as you've mentioned that
you've kind of half set the scene there for our listeners. So let's dive back in. So in
the glow of the midnight sun, you see this emaciated polar bear. It's once imposing form
reduced to a heart rending skeletal silhouette lying supine on the icy expanse. It's shallow
breaths whisper of a harsh forlorn existence. And you can only wonder how such a majestic
beast came to be a maligned house pet. The creature is known as Snow White or Snohvitr
in Old Norse. And it has beheaded and disemboweled two of your comrades, Bjarne Bjarnardsson,
the man you were escorting, you were paid to escort on kind of death watch duty. You
were taking him to the Attastupi, the Troll's Tongue, a place where people perform ritual
suicide. Perhaps they throw themselves into the icy waters below rather than be a burden
on the town of Hjálpmakaar, several hours away you have trundled off into the tundra and
met your fate and its the tooth some fate by this polar bear. You've also been accosted
by a large gentleman, perhaps seven foot tall with a braid dangling from his, his head.
He carries a rich, ornate heirloom sword and he swaggered towards you having jumped off
a skidiver, this universe's version of a skidoo.
He is joined by two bodyguards armed with what look like submachine guns and he has
hoved towards you calling out a combination of exclamations and shocked surprise and horror
at finding what is presumably his bear, since it had a broken harness and was domesticated,
and he is shocked to find that it has attacked and killed two people.
And we will begin the session there, you all three were hastily beating retreat in the
direction of as far away from the bear as possible.
But now you are called back to your senses by the cries of this Jöfurr, this local noble
who you recognise as Finnbogi Asbjornsson, and over to you.
Well I'm wondering if it's his bear and he gets loose and kills people.
Feels like there ought to be either a debt of honour of some sort or at least a debt
of coin, I mean for to, you know, there's bereaved families for crying out loud.
I don't know, what does everyone think?
There's a lot of pondering going on as people obviously.
Think about the potential repercussions of a bear.
I don't think anyone's actually got the Norse code on Norse polar bear devouring and the
repercussions thereof.
I think the council we could acquire at the edge of the world is probably not the best,
so we might want to reach out.
It seems there's so many ways for us to go wrong right now, and we're going to find several
of them I expect.
Yeah Ljomi thinks to himself that this seems like the perfect opportunity for a non-living,
perhaps wheeled creature to approach the owner of the bear and says, wheeled thing, roll
over and engage with the human.
Legsko says, let's go, and begins to slowly approach.
Ljomi captures to the Dökkálfar to follow the wheeled thing.
Air waits a while for everyone to go on ahead a little bit, just mostly to prove a point
and then follows at a discrete distance.
So you have heard the Jöfurr Finnbogi, and I'd say Jöfurr is an origin in this game that we're
talking about, is effectively an old style Viking, he's genetically engineered, he has
illustrious forebears and the blood of the gods in his veins, and a lot of pride and
pomp of a peacock as well.
That tends to come with the territory of the Jufa.
They are rich, they are often magnics, and they are often up their own backside a little.
You do get a sense of this as the Jöfurr says to you, didst thou use this old cove as bear
bait?
Didst thou not think us to use flares?
The flares, yeah.
Oh yeah, the flares thing.
Obviously in this part of the wilderness it is well known that if you want to deter people
from being rendered limb from limb by polar bears, the isbjörn, then it probably is good
to keep a flair or two in your satchel.
Let's go, I wonder if we should have found an experienced trapper or something to help
us before we set off.
Like the one we were carrying on your back.
Exactly.
Leomi thinks this is a good moment to express some curiosity.
Excuse me, how would flares exactly work with a bear, a creature of this type, a bear thing?
Who dost thou mock me, sir?
Thinkest me a poltroon and a dastard?
I am new to this part of the world.
I'm wise in many things, of course.
And alfar new to this world?
To this part of the world?
Leomi thinks himself and leans down to the bot and says perhaps you should give him a
kiss.
I think that's a great idea.
Lexko bends down submissively and says, please, sire, your honor, your highness, let me give
you a kiss.
Let us be friends.
What now?
Away with thee, machine!
I'll not have your oil and soil sullying my boots.
Get away!
Hmm, rude.
This poor fellow is a morsel of moonin' now.
Alas, poor Bjarnie, I knew him well.
Perhaps you could assist us in taking his remains to the troll's tongue.
That's where we were headed before we were interrupted by your pet.
Leomi holds his breath while waiting to see if this attempt works.
Peon, as if I would get my hands dirty doing your foul work.
And as to Snow White, it appears mine own bear hast taken injury.
There will be wear guilt to pay.
Legsko has a question.
Why don't you want to help us out?
You just said he was your friend.
How do you guys know each other?
That I know the man does not make him my friend.
I was merely concerned for the fate of a fellow member of Hjapmakaar.
There are so few of us in the settlement now the swordfall has taken so many of ones we
loved and changed the weather for the worst.
But I will not be interrogated by a tin can.
That exerses me, I guess.
If anyone else wants to ask questions.
The jöfurr Finnbogi strides over to his bear who is, as I said, cowering sullen in the
snow to see such a mighty beast cowered by being berated by the Jofa.
Does send something of a shiver through your spines or whatever passes for that in Dverg
mechanical terms but the jöfurr is intensely berating the beast and gives it a good kick
in its ribs and it lets out a huff as it takes the punishment.
Yomi steps forward and says, is this any way to treat such a noble creature?
I was told these beasts were honored and how came it to be that it was running around loose?
Have you so little control over your household?
You accuse me of negligence now, sir.
Will the insults never cease?
I fear there is only one way to resolve our differences.
So and now we shall part, safe and sound, and meet again at the Thing and there begin
our quarrel all over again.
The law speaker shall rule on how much wear guilt you owe me for the inconvenience and
the moronacy.
You killed a friend?
Moronacy?
Yes, our companion was destroyed by your...
One of the joys of the jofurr's archaic speeches, they are prone to just making up words.
Yes.
He could have said idiocy but moronacy just seemed more authentically old-morts.
I didn't even can notice it.
Shall we meet at the Thing then?
Well with something of a flourish, his well-heeled shoes and his ermine cape, he mounts his skidverg
and twists the throttle and roars off across the tundra, his two bodyguards in tow whooping
and firing off shots into the air from their submachine gun.
You remember that the sky is a vibrant blue because the sun never sets but it is now the
landscape is echoing with sounds of shots fired.
The bare snow white lurches after them, called by them by a kind of invisible string.
The paratrooper just kind of looks back and forth between the companions and goes, what
an eccentric performance.
I assume that if we stood up to him he would just escalate.
It was really just nothing but hot air.
Yomi offers, I was worried that by questioning his control I might have ended up in a duel
right then and there.
I think honor seems to be very important to a stuffed parka like that.
Xco ads, you just seem like an asshole.
It comes with the territory of being one of the richest dudes in town.
Now I ought to explain perhaps for you and the listeners that a thing is a kind of Norse
assembly, it's a gathering and fans of etymology out there would like to know that while we
call something a thing today like my phone is a thing, this glass is a thing, it actually
originated as a sense of place and it was then the thing at the thing and things evolved
from there.
See how many times you can say thing in a sentence to confuse everybody.
But ultimately what we are talking about is a kind of bulk moot, a gathering where the
Norse people will hear cases and settle disputes.
Bear in mind that whilst this is the kind of Norse parallel present because you're
in effectively the wild, the wild north, the rule of law and order is kind of held together
by these tribal institutions rather than say a police force.
Okay so a question, who is the judge in the thing?
Is it the local ruler or is it a legal official of some kind?
There will be a law speaker.
I see.
So not a king as such.
I think the current society doesn't really have that.
Yeah, there is the Empress Trumba.
But most of the really rich rulers actually are off world on one of the other exoplanets
conveniently called Asgard.
You're on Midgard, what we would call Earth, at least a century ago when the various nine
home worlds were discovered and the ability to stagger between them using the greenways
or the passage between Yggdrasil and they were able to go off world then the rich people
went and found the best parts of the best and biggest world and took them off themselves,
called it Asgard and built whole new halls of glittering gold there.
Right and so our problems with the local bear owner are unlikely to be on their radar.
Quite so.
Yes quite.
Quite.
By thing I'm translating to kangaroo report in this case.
Possibly.
Bear in mind this is a society that is ruled by law for whom law is a crucial component
of honor and integrity.
Upholding the law and then failing to abide by the law is what gets you out world cast
off into the wilderness.
So there are repercussions despite the fact there is no real police force.
They can't lock you up and hope that you see the error of your ways.
They just chuck you out and then hunt you down.
I mean in heirs point of view when someone is entitled blowhard like that it's because
it quite often works.
Well that was a dark interpretation.
Well you know it.
It's entirely up to you how you proceed.
You do have two fairly eviscerated corpses lying in front of you and you're still at
brisk height away from the trolls tongue.
You owe me gestures to the other two.
Scrape up the remains of our effectless companions and you two carry them towards the trolls
tongue and I shall consider strategies and tactics to deal with our mounting setup problems.
You're on brain detail.
That's correct.
I've got a bag over here and to see if we can find the squeegee.
Sounds good Tim.
So I proposed yeah I agree with the proposal that we clean up what's left of our friends
and we continue with our original mission so that we can so we can come back and say
we set out what we set to do and then deal with problem number two and three and four
after that.
Right.
You know me notes how important honor is to people in this society and the reputations
of themselves and their families.
So I think to do the right thing we certainly don't want clips cast off degenerates coming
after us later if I may put it that way kindly.
And Ed as far as Leyska is concerned are you happy to be the kind of pooper scooper so
to speak.
Yeah I'll clean up we'll get you know don't eat the red snow they say.
Not the first time he's gotten mucky in wager.
Maybe not today.
Not even today.
Not even the hour.
I do I'm curious the direction that they went off in.
Do we see where they're going or is it just horizon that they fall into.
No.
So if you remember you were headed out of town and you rolled an awareness check that
also determined that the bear had followed you right from town and now they have roared
back in that same direction so they have gone right back to help Macar itself which was
the major town in the area.
Okay yeah so let's let's carry on.
Is there any way to fashion a flair out of the bits and pieces of our friends.
You could probably.
We'd have to run the cat down.
Yeah just by squeezing you could probably get a bit more visceral fluid out but nothing
nothing really like a flair.
Okay we can carry on.
But I do I do appreciate I do appreciate because you are not you know a human you are a machine
you are a diver that you probably just didn't know that and well-meaning probably thought
that you could squeeze something out.
Just context clues been hearing a lot about flares.
Yeah all right well the journey will be long boring and arduous so rather than.
Lyrical about that I will just allow a shimmer dissolve to the point where you have walked
across the tundra along the coastal path to the atlas to where you can now stand atop
the seven foot seven hundred foot drop in this gentle glow of the midnight sun the whole
land bathing this ethereal light and looking over the top down to the sea below you can
see icebergs of various sizes float by glinting in the sun the whole place has an eerie quietness
that is punctuated only by the groaning of the shifting ice and the occasional squall
of an arctic turn.
Bill free to pay your respects say any last words have a have a an elegiac moment or just
you know ruminate about how this reminds you of your own centuries old past in this case
because I know that at least Bill and Steve your characters are rather on the long in
the tooth side.
Tommy steps forward and says I have been reflecting on the deaths of our companions.
Alas unlikely to return to us in any form and I feel it's more important than ever to
try and advance knowledge the general knowledge of our peoples to help our brothers regain
what they've lost and I am I am more certain than ever that I need to find a way to join
the Institute and help push this gathering of knowledge forward and as well perhaps at
a deeper level maybe even if personal growth.
Perhaps death has taught me to be kinder to my companions and protect all life no matter
how paltry and and I address this next comment to to air in that I I know I have been referring
to you as an abomination and I feel this is inappropriate and I want you to know that
I'm no longer going to call you an abomination henceforth I will refer to you only as an
atrocity.
I'm impressed that you did get through that speech without someone pushing you over yourself.
I did consider trying to push air just off the cliff rather than speak about it.
Well thank you for such a thoughtful and elegant address it was it was almost as if you were
at Gettysburg.
We will move on who else wants to say?
400 score.
I'd like to follow on with the hopeful and ultimately naive words of my arboreal associate.
Let's remember the names of our friends who have fallen.
Let's remember who they are as they head to the afterlife because those things are so
transitory I mean I had a name once I was a person of sudden renown and none of it means
anything now.
I don't even remember my name I don't remember my deeds and no one else does.
And staying in the afterlife isn't it is transitory as well.
I've been dragged back here to this admittedly magnificent prison to wander the wastes while
I wait for it to be for this experiment this atrocity to come to an end and return to the
afterlife.
But yes let's remember their names because the world will forget it all too soon.
It's a special day for them.
I feel that between the two of you you should just be yelling off the ciftop bleak blank
blank despair.
Ah that.
Moving moving moving and moving on to Ed.
Now despite the fact that you've got a you've had a little bit of laryngitis or strep throat
or something horrible in your human form.
Hopefully you can grind your gears and as your de-burgish self.
I'd just like to say that you know these worlds and these parts life comes and goes as the
wind.
We only have so much time before time is given back to us or taken away.
And you know I don't know where I'm going with that.
You're just dumping the bodies at the end of that sentence.
Lomi steps on the moment a little bit and says is that your battery warning light that's
coming on at the back there.
I do think between you I mean obviously with last episode we heard about the happy death
day cards and we and we had Val Doki the the he was giving you a range of merchandise.
Perhaps it did inspire you or perhaps you could do your own version now via hallmarked
cards for people that you're going to chuck off the troll's tongue.
Lomi steps forward to the challenge.
Happy death day.
So sorry you could not bear the bear.
May the snows and the gods bear you to a better life.
Roses red violets are blue.
Everything's bleak.
You're dead.
It was a pop up card of a polar bear coming at you.
Good.
Very good.
Well as the scene fades away you can almost hear the violins as the bodies pure wet into
the icy depths below and disappear beneath the waves.
They're kind.
Never to be seen.
And now it is back to you as to as to how you would like to proceed.
You expect that you have some kind of legal troubles on the horizon.
Please do tell me what you would like to do.
Are we expected to return back to the dark?
Not station to report in.
I think we were if you want to walk.
Yeah.
That's a great big yes.
Yeah.
There's also the general challenge that you were in this icy archipelago of Heimslit literally
the edge of the world.
There's not too many places to just go hang out.
I think it says you'll need I think we should go back to the mine.
I think that I'm curious as to what else might be going on there.
And as I am the de facto leader of the team.
I think that's pretty much a decision made since we've dealt with the one one called
them the the awful the no that's not right.
The the remains of our companions.
I also think we should try and find another one of these things.
They have their uses if if only putting them in front of charging bears.
You talk about the no I'm talking about humans.
Yeah.
Sure.
Just bear in mind that there were just seven diverger down that mine.
That's seven polar bears we could do with.
Well yeah I mean I don't know they seem to run pretty fast based on our companion.
So I'm not sure you know we want to we may trip them.
That's true or or flatten the tire or two anyway or we find some older weaker humans
again and you know just sort of keep because we were out of flares.
We never had any flares and now we're out of humans.
Yes or no flares from them.
No no flares from that.
Good try though.
Yes.
Well any other ideas.
I'm looking at the horizon of the edge of the world.
Do we see anything interesting.
Is the abyss calling back to us in any way.
No you just look out of what is that that called the Hellsund or the Hell Street.
Sounds good.
That is a an expansive water that leads all the way back to if you travel all the way
through the ice you would end up in merry old England.
This part of the Hellsund is warmed by the currents to the east of the archipelago.
The whole sea has transformed to sea ice and formed an ice bridge all the way through to
what would be in our world northern Russia or Finland.
So other than the odd wheeling seabird or idling walrus a breaching whale perhaps then
there's there's not much more to see.
There is of course the glowing red cross that still unnervingly dominates the sky above
your heads when we were talking about it in the previous episode Viani referred to it
as the northern lights and bid you clap wildly.
But yes there that red shimmering field is still up in the bright blue sky like a crimson
scar.
So what what say you fellows to make us grow closer together.
Quick stop to see the seven Dverg and then back to town.
We need some flares flares.
Yeah.
Those are the things.
The flares.
We can get some flares maybe a couple bows and stuff.
Weapons.
Yeah weapons might also be good.
Somebody has guns though.
Who has guns?
You people.
You had the leaf had guns.
The leaf the horse Gelder.
Oh well let's.
He was the one with the right one.
You I'm going to be leaning and suggest that you picked it up when you picked the remains
of him up and didn't just leave your only weapon lying in the tundra.
Even if we had forgot it it would be quite easy to spot the large red splash on the snow.
I'm saying if you retraced if you retraced your bloody footprints.
Yes exactly.
You know we're not complete fools and we went through their pockets for coin as is tradition
as is tradition.
Yes and obviously being a good level zero character belief probably just had a few pennies
but you know if you if you feel like looting corpses is the honorable thing to do you go
ahead.
It's a survival situation fellows I would say.
There's I'm checking his character sheet right now to see how much money he had.
I think it's traditional have some money to pay the ferryman or maybe I'm mixing up my
I think you're mixing up your mythos.
You're talking about the Greek.
Carol is it yes is is Greek and then we'll keep it in case there's some sort of cross
cultural very person.
It's safe after all.
Best to be sure of these.
Mine number seven.
He had four pennies by the way.
Four pennies.
It was my my my status as a divinatory goddess is intact.
All right.
Mine number seven.
Several several miles back down the track it was a mine embedded into the hill shaft
the entrance surrounded by wooden scaffold and you remember there was a pump that was
taking out the excess melt water that would have flowed into the mine.
All of that has now been fixed.
Had clogged and choked to a halt but now it's been fixed and is running like clockwork.
Well it provides us with negotiating power if the people down below turn out to be not
as friendly as we need.
So you're thinking flares and they have flares or other things we might and flay failing
that flailing that failing that some people to help us with potential bear problems.
Yes yes a bear buffer if you will suitably motivated.
Yes yes old and slow preferably.
So the very happy foreman was a diver called wetcret and his his associate rock pulse.
There were a bunch of them but none of them appear to be in the mine shaft now that they
have returned to help the end of their shift or recharging.
There is nothing suitable in terms of flares or weaponry in the mine.
There are some pneumatic drill bits but the verge seeing in the infrared spectrum don't
really need flares and because diverger also kind of not the tastiest morsels for the for
the ispion.
In fact they generally speaking they're kind of rumbling insides their electronic beeping
tends to unnerve and fend off ispion and it's a marvel that Blegsko wasn't able to conjure
up that himself to scare off Snow White.
Yeah sorry yeah why only you had exposed yourself Ed.
The one time I don't normally that's you know your go-to right.
Yeah it's the only thing I got.
Yeah you could have flashed the bear and things would have ended differently.
And just think we don't know what it is but whatever it is it's enough to stop an ice
bear in its tracks.
That's right.
That's why we all look away.
Yeah that's on my Tinder profile.
Yeah it's your it's your famous dick move.
I've said that three times but it kept getting stomped on so there you go.
All right well you you're welcome to shelter in the mine or rest in the mine but I don't
think any of you have taken even you know a small bit of damage.
The damage that the doled out was grievous and it came all the way to cold jade.
Two others yeah and you know we're you know we successfully used our bear barriers if
you will.
And can yeah I think we should just head back to town is what I'm thinking.
Let's do it.
That was sounding more like Naomi.
Yeah there's nothing much to be had here.
I don't know what the idea this was but it was a complete waste of time.
So mines like question that everybody have and maybe an internal question mines like
this would these seven miners here do they own it themselves or would they typically
be working for someone.
The Deberg class are often thralls a kind of slave mechanical class put into servitude
they would undoubtedly be working for other people.
Rumor has it and this can be something that we picked up on the kind of gossip mill so
to speak but rumor has it that Bin Bogy himself would have owned most of the mines here but
he's fallen somewhat on hard times and had to sell off some of the rights.
How terrible for him.
I feel like there should be a way to take advantage of that but I can't maybe he'd
be willing to be our bear barrier.
What do you think?
We might get two or three bears with him.
Yes that's right.
I heard earlier he had four bears so.
Great ancestor gag.
Alright so Halt Macar nestled amidst the serrated snow dusted peaks are these hodgepodge of
structures there's candy coloured wooden houses on stilts triangular roofed barns and
then sturdy modern commercial buildings scattered around as the lines of frosted roads and amidst
the buzz of Skideberg the quaint town is alive with activities the hubbub of miners returning
from their shifts the revelers enjoying the endless sunlight and almost maniacal crazed
huskies yipping at whatever moose passed by.
Now you do have a map that I have previously given you that is in the When the Wolf Comes
rule book and so feel free to peruse that.
It's up on the screen in roll 20 if anybody's looking in there I think I showed it.
Alright Yomi says the bear flares as I'm now thinking of them the live flares that we used
they seem to need food.
I mean I remember as a human you would need food.
I'm not so far removed.
If you used to enjoy food.
Anyway I think we should find a place where they go for that that way we can find perhaps
find someone to come along with us.
I don't know it's an idea suggestion.
Oh I see a food consuming bear deterrent.
Bear barrier yeah.
Speed trap yeah okay.
Speed bump yeah or a quick rise but I got there.
Or perhaps more weaponry since the weaponry we had was ineffective or some of the flares
players that everyone is speaking of.
Do we want to actually I'm going to propose we stop him the diagnostician first.
Ah money.
Who will give us that yeah all that give us money which we will then waste and or spend.
A surprisingly excellent suggestion.
Well done atrocity.
So the sick house the sick house the town hospital which is run by the doctor Val Doki
who wheels his way to the main door all of the systems around him are connected to his
central console and so the door glides open as he approaches and he calls to you beckoning
with his instrumental fingers he says hail oxyle welcome I trust you have been successful
in your endeavors.
Next response it says absolutely no bumps in the road whatsoever.
No bumps in which road.
I am not aware of any roads that have been paved on the way to the attest to are you
sure you have proceeded in the correct direction.
Oh man we did we did we did it's a proverbial road.
Yeah it's a metaphorical road.
Ah my apologies I am unaccustomed to the vagaries of meatbags.
Oh well I'm flattered but I'm one of you.
Indeed although it appears that you are a discontinued model.
And like I say you have been spending quite a bit of time with others than your own kind
which I'm not certain I completely approve of but perhaps it's contaminated your outlook
on the world.
My system was designed and manufactured by Sigmon Systems in the years before the doom.
As you can see I'm well equipped for the Fimbulvita with wide tire tracks and the latest in Laestelle
joints able to handle the ice and snow.
May I suggest an upgrade or maybe just dismantle yourself.
Odin's beard he's gone into demo mode.
But you know you don't mess with the closet right.
We deposited the remains of Bjarni at the aforementioned place plus the remains of our
lost companion which of course you will be pleased about since we did not bring any broken
down humanity back into the town where the bears might come and feed on them.
We've avoided any sense of that happening in any way.
Agreed you have abided correctly by the death law and my thanks to you for that.
I believe I owe you several crowns.
I will of course have to make deductions for the misspent ammunition and anywhere and tear
to my general sanity.
Sounds fair.
I almost feel like the GM's own voice slipped in there on that last sentence.
He hands over a shiny imperial crown.
Nice.
That was not ended all at once.
Now unless you are in need of medical attention this conversation can serve no further purpose.
Let's get away from this guy.
Yeah maybe depressed.
He's creeping you out right.
Freaking me out.
I believe fellows there was a talk of a gun store.
I can't remember the name of the man who runs it.
It was something beginning with a G. I don't know.
Gun store.
Gunner weather bag.
That's a funny name.
I think we should go there.
What say you?
I do have another stop to make but I'll come with you.
What's your other stop?
I want to air is curious where a person would go.
He wants to know who owns who currently owns that mine number seven.
There was speculation that the blowhard might have previously owned it but I want to know
what's its current legal ownership status.
Is that a thing that would be kept track of somewhere?
That would indeed but there's no better person to ask than the law speaker himself who will
be running the law thing in due course.
Oh good.
When you two have to face the results of your actions.
So Gunner's gun store is a run down shack with a crudely painted sign.
It's the only identifier thrust on top and it's mainly a sporting goods store.
It does deal in goods for the great outdoors.
Things that you might have bought or borrowed prior to leaving but now that you're back
you know it's no you can look at all of the flare guns tripwire sets and binoculars and
that kind of thing that he does have himself.
He also does rent and repair Dverg.
Hello what is it that I can do for you?
Alfa Ray, don't Alfa, haven't seen you in many a year.
Any hope of tapping into that diamond trade?
Above the table what?
Do you remember where you hailed from is a town called Comsteam or it's effectively
a kingstone the name for a diamond and the diamond mines there were one of the reasons
your people emerged from the earth and kicked out all of the conniving humans and the menfolk
and forced them to leave what was the former capital.
Oh, sentiment policy my life's a-
So was the major town of the area probably a few decades ago you lose track because time
doesn't mean quite as much to a tunnel such as yourself.
Right so no there's no chance of him getting in on the diamond trade at the moment.
Now like that is it not even willing to hear a pitch well you black devils get out of my
shop.
Friend forget that then.
Boy we're making friends everywhere.
Yeah.
Excuse me man before we before we depart where could we acquire a bear?
A bear blasphemer bears are not for sale but if you want to take care of one of the ever
wandering ones then attend to the temple of the bear that's where Oldinger one of your
alpha sort consorts with the beasts.
All right thank you.
But don't dilly dally there's already a summons out for the likes of you.
A summons?
Yes you are to attend the law thing and answer for your crimes on the ice.
We've already been chilly shelling with the Ispion haven't you as the whole town's got
their tongues are wagging.
Before we depart might we spend some of our money?
I tried to do a deal with you for diamonds and you turned your nose up.
Well I.
Too good for you aren't I.
No no no not for me.
For the wield thing it's a whole other it doesn't appreciate a man the way that I do.
Boy that sounded wrong.
I'd like to test that theory.
I will let you I will let you I will let you roll a will attack roll.
In order to persuade this gentleman.
He's well known for being dour and miserable perhaps working with the Dvergar has rubbed
off on him.
It feels like he'd fit right in with our group honestly.
Yeah he would.
So a 1d20 Ian is what I'm rolling.
Modified by my.
Your charm and personality.
I was screwed for sure.
Okay here we go.
And even 10 exactly at 10.
It is enough to make the greedy man and his sea sense his eyes glisten with the thought
of getting his hand on your one pristine coin and so he happily unhappily waves his arms
and says the storm is at your disposal.
Don't take too long though.
I don't want him bogies men busting down my door to get at you.
Yes yes very good.
Would you is there a weapon you would recommend for someone such as myself older powerful
distinguished elegant.
Maybe a matching staff that you can hobble around on.
I was hoping.
Or relatives.
A firearm of some sort perhaps how expensive.
How expensive.
Yes yes too expensive for you.
One crown.
Okay okay we have a we have two firearms now I believe fellows we have a rifle and a pistol
or something.
More ammunition perhaps for these.
Oh flares flares that's what we want.
Do you know the phrase shutting the barn door after the horses bolted.
The version of that is it buying flares after the after the polar bear has eaten you.
What if there's another polar bear.
I feel there may be a hint of death in there guys.
The GM is trying to get through to us.
I'm merely merely trying to say that the time of obsession for players is probably past.
Maybe stock up for the future it's up to you.
Your proper sort of presupposes that we're aware of the existence of a barn or a door.
That's stumbling through the dark with really no clue between the three of us.
Who's getting quarrelsome now.
We are a well matched group.
We'll stay on the air play then.
Okay so yes some ammunition.
What do we have in terms of ammunition currently.
I don't have any.
I have a bow and 20 arrows.
I do have that.
What do you what do you guys have.
I just have a revolver in six holes.
But what about that we had a rifle did we not.
Yes.
Hillcliff had a rifle.
Well if I draw your attention to yes chapter six in the when the war comes over you will
see that a belt of ammo of 100 rounds is two crowns.
So if you wish to spend by yourself 50 rounds then then you may do so.
Or 25 rounds for half a crown.
A bright and shiny crossbow or to use its North's name.
Alas bogey would would be one crown.
And if you had 100 crowns you could buy yourself a howling dog a heavy machine gun.
But you don't.
What was the page number again Ian.
Sorry I was slow to respond to that.
Page number 177.
That thing is they're going to be a little bit out of your range as that as as merely
having done one errand in favor of all three.
Yeah yeah yeah we're not retiring yet is what I'm hearing.
Well our previous friend did.
Well a fair point.
A downsizing.
Yeah.
OK.
I haven't got all day.
I.
Sorry 177 his voice pushes everything on my brain.
Very effective page 177.
Thank you.
Are you looking at it already Steve.
I am.
OK so the crossbow is one crown.
But we all have a weapon currently.
You have a spear.
Mexico and you have a pistol Steve and there's a rifle floating around and I've got a bow.
So I have a pistol and also the melee weapon.
Yeah I have a I have a CX.
Yeah.
OK.
Well maybe we're well armed.
I mean this is this really speaks to a lack of awareness.
We just got to use the word well in front of armed.
OK technically just just just armed.
I'm getting used to some of the hint language here.
I think that's that perhaps.
What about armor.
Maybe.
Let's see.
So are we keeping the rifle of our late colleague.
No way.
Of the no that was Bjarne's.
Was it Bjarne.
It was technically loaned to you by Val Tocque for the purposes of providing you with some
kind of effective defense against the is beyond.
Right.
So we have to give it back.
Or just add it to the list of legal instructions.
I mean you know I Ian shared a thing on Viking law.
Did you guys read it at all.
I feel like we need to make some friends in town if the thing at the thing is going to
go well.
Yeah.
So let's buy something from the other side.
But he's not really a friend.
The problem with that though is that we're assholes.
Yeah.
But he is too.
So there's that commonality.
We're trying to out hassle.
Oh God.
This is going to be a thing.
We're trying to match him.
College.
OK.
But I don't know what to buy.
OK this may be a dead end.
I don't know.
Add brilliant ideas.
Explosives.
We need 20 crowns for 20 grenades.
So that seems unlikely.
So one crown for one.
One crown for one grenade.
I have an idea for the law thingy.
Do you?
Do you speak good fellow?
Yes.
It sounds impressive already.
I have an idea for the law thingy.
Yeah.
I mean I've heard Matlock say exactly that.
Yeah.
Episode 12 I remember.
Oh great.
I feel like there's a way to get rid of some bad actors.
The problem, Legsko, is that if he has a lot of friends in town and being a rich and powerful
guy to some degree, we have to find people who don't like him that will stand up for
us.
I think we should leave the shop.
But we should buy something.
Something.
Should we buy a grenade?
You could buy a fragmentation grenade or a stun grenade or a tear gas grenade.
Or an explosive vest if anyone wanted to go out in Blazable.
I feel like that last one, that last grenade, then the law thing, eliminate the judge, mistrial.
Right.
You're sure we wouldn't end up outlaws with that behavior.
Fair enough.
OK.
I mean there is a logic in there.
Right?
If there's no one alive to proclaim us outlaws, then we can't be proclaimed.
But I don't think it would work as well as...
Very much the opposite of my suggestion of making some friends.
OK, that.
Yeah.
Killing most of the people in town of any importance.
I'm wondering if the shopkeeper is hearing this conversation.
Yeah.
I mean it's called the Thought on Memory campaign.
I wouldn't lean too much into the memory part.
We should turn it around, right?
And spread the money around.
And well, let's be honest.
Bye friends.
Sorry, I'm just saying...
Yes, you aren't doing yourselves any favors.
Can you not make up your mind?
We'll take one fragmentation grenade.
Good.
Oh, last of the big spenders, eh?
Yes.
Yeah, take it then.
Keep the pin in it.
Thanks for the tip.
You're ever so kind.
All right.
We'll find somewhere to put it.
Right, well, do come again.
There's always opportunities to haggle.
I have errands of my own.
I'm a trader, you know, always seeking a little bit of a quick buck.
And if you're in town and able to go back up to those diamond mines, well, I'm sure we
could come to some kind of accommodation.
We'll certainly discuss that amongst ourselves.
That might be well worth everyone's time.
Thank you for a man.
You're quite charming.
And if you do see Solveig at the cooking kettle, do pass her on my regards.
We'll do Solveig.
Yes, yes, yes.
Cooking kettle.
The other person, Ian, that you mentioned was Old Dinger.
Right, Old Dinger.
The way you said it.
Yeah, I thought we should maybe go see that person as well.
But let's go to the cooking kettle first and see what kind of what we can work out there.
You owe me things out loud to the rest of the group.
The cooking kettle is the local hostel.
And so that is where the townsfolk gather.
All of the locals have been going there for decades.
It's like the cheers bar of the town of Halpercar.
And as you go in, you actually see that your friends, the miners are all popping up a table,
presumably knocking back some whale oil or something.
There is also the proprietor, Solveig Cooking Kettle.
That's where the place gets its name from.
And she is a quite an attractive woman who's clearly spending her time fending off the
unwanted attentions of her more drunk patrons.
And usually for a mess hall, this place also has a dairy in its bowels.
You can't really keep the cows outside for want of bears and freezing cold.
And so they've established the dairy in the cellar along with the pay office where all
the miners and the administrators come to collect their wages.
I propose we start with the miners because we already have a connection with them.
They may feel some hang of gratitude, you know, a little twinge of something.
And then we could use that to make friends.
Yes, fine.
Maybe treat them to some lovely oil or something.
What do they do?
They pour it over themselves.
Yeah, I suppose we start by talking to them.
Oh, hello.
It is nice to have met you again.
It is.
Where have you been coming from?
Well from the mine we were hoping to see you when we stopped by.
Oh, you came to pay us a visit.
This is very kind.
Want to make sure your pump is still working.
Our pump is very active.
Thank you so much.
We will of course be very happy to sing your praises whenever you are to stand in front
of the legal tribunal.
We have heard that you are up at the shitty creek.
Yes, some unfair claims were made.
Isn't as for you, brother Dverg, you need to really watch yourself.
They will just turn you off.
Oh, that seems to be true.
Who's they?
The people that are saying the thing, I believe.
You must be aware that we are a thrall class.
We live only to serve.
If you disobey the man folk, they will dismantle you.
We are getting a lot of that.
That's bad news.
What if the thrall has an owner?
They wouldn't disrespect the owner by shutting off the thrall.
No that is correct, but the thralls have a very little value in the eyes of the man
folk.
The spark of creation at the heart of every Dverg is not seen as a motivating spirit.
We are very poorly abused.
Yes, yes, yes, says Leomi.
Who in town knows about the law?
Who could advise us about the law?
Who could perhaps could we engage to come with us to the thing to help us better represent
ourselves?
I am barely understanding of the mining law.
Ah, okay.
All right.
I'm going to go talk to the proprietor.
Do not you know about the mining law?
I want to talk about the mining law.
You talk to the proprietor.
I'll talk to the proprietor.
All right.
All right, Ian, two conversations simultaneously.
Let's do them at the same time.
That will be fun.
Which one would you like to address first?
Solvig?
I'll approach Solvig and I say.
Oh, my darling.
Greetings, man.
I think you've got me mistaken with someone else, my lover.
Gunnar says hello.
I believe he's a friend.
Oh, no, he's not a friend of mine.
No, nor of mine.
I might call him a stalker.
Ah, well.
Lord of Law, no fool he is, I can't be dealing with that, ever since he was following us
around on tour.
I'm, yes, I'm a long way from such things.
I believe it was of interest once upon a time, but not for a good long time.
I don't know what to serve your sort.
What kind of things do you drink?
What is it like?
Clean water would be excellent.
I'd buy some clean water.
But you'd buy some, eh?
Yes, certainly.
I'd normally give it away, but if you're willing to pay for it.
One tries to be fair.
Solvig, that's what they call you.
We need to learn or have someone help us about this business of the man who set his bear
on us and killed our companion.
I've heard.
Been bogeys taking a right shine to you, eh?
Yeah, quite.
And so how, is there someone in town who could help us understand this better?
Come to the right place, my lover.
I tell you, what with all my devices, I know a thing or two about the wiles and werepores
of the law.
I look over at the bot at Legsco and say, I think you might have a chance here.
Yes, yes, you know the right sort.
Could I get a name?
Or could you introduce me?
Has someone happened to be here this evening, maybe?
Well, tell you what.
Pull up a stool and I'll sit down, pour you a nice glass of water and I'll tell you all
about it.
Most wonderful.
So I pull up a stool.
The only pulls up a stool and sits his bark down on the top of a distant brethren.
Right.
I now you see I've had so many, so many mining disputes, so many divorces.
I'm happy to dispense what little I know to those drowning their sorrows at my bar.
So, Milibor, resolve how to resolve your little, little tete-a-tete with Finnbogie.
Let me think now.
Now, always the best approach is negotiation and compromise.
Although violence is permissible and may well be required in an event like this.
Well, ultimately you got three choices.
You either settle with the man, play him a thong, it's called the regal to the blood
money, or you submit to judgment by your peers, or you enter into trial by combat.
I believe Dolkalf are really good at that, so that might be a good option.
All right.
Okay, that's good.
That's good.
Anything else you could tell us that might be helpful?
How should we present the case?
I mean, his pet, his creature attacked our group and killed two of our members.
Well.
No provocation from us.
Well, there might be something in that argument then.
You know, if a man has a tame white bear, perhaps he should be handling it just like
a dog and pay for any damage it does.
Otherwise, you just have to present your case in front of the law speaker.
You know, Crapty, Crapty Thorfridsen, he's the law speaker in town.
He'll have a court of 12 judges drawn from the free and the self men of the town, and
you just have to persuade a two-third majority.
Yeah.
Okay.
And Crapty, now that name is familiar.
Where might I have met Crapty?
Was it the post office?
Yeah, it was the post office we went into.
Oh.
Yeah, that wasn't Crapty.
Crapty is a fairly young and erudite man.
The old postmaster had seen better days.
Oh, yes.
Okay.
So Solveig also says, of course, if you want to demand a jewel of honor, you could force
Finboggy into a horn gang.
Could you explain that, please?
Ritual combat.
You've been around long enough that your character does actually know that ritual combat, the
horn gang, is effectively entering into a boxing ring, but with swords.
First blood is usually the thing that settles it.
Honor is served, and the loser, again, pays blood money or some kind of restitution to
the winner.
Obviously, having spent your crown on a grenade, you probably just have about four pennies
to your name.
Right.
I have a little bit more than that.
I have three dollars from my original roll-up.
Three dollars, is it?
Three dollars.
You know, were you to have to pay hypothetical compensation, that would pay for half of Roll's
demise.
Okay.
So it's a good thing we spent that crown.
Are any of the people here tonight likely to be part of the judging group?
I would just like to meet them and pay my respects and tell everyone I can how much
we admire this fine town.
That would be very circumspectifibian.
Okay.
You see, you've been from around here.
Right.
And Fimboggi goes back generations.
You can't just sidle up an outfire and an abomination from Kongstein.
How many rounds of drinks would three dollars buy for everyone who's here tonight?
Well, not enough to drown all of your souls, my friend.
Fine.
Thank you very much for your assistance.
I understand our predicament so much.
Well, you're welcome.
And may the Lord Tyr go with you.
And in Forseti's eyes, I hope you find justice, my darling.
Is Crapti here tonight, or does he come here?
Well, he has been known to take the odd tipple, but he don't really find the law speaker
getting drunk on the evening before a trial.
Oh, yes.
Right.
Okay.
Yes.
Okay.
All right.
Well, thank you very much.
I'm going to rejoin my companions at this point.
Oh, welcome back.
What did you find out from the lovely Selvig?
I have all of these interesting facts about maining law.
First of all, you must dig and then possession is nine tenths of the law.
Anything you dig up, you get to keep nine tenths of.
Who gets the other tithe?
That is used as a tithe to the owner of the mine.
Who owns, if it's not inappropriate to ask, who owns your mine currently?
Ah, that is a very good question.
It is owned by the Institute of the Firefox.
Oh, yes.
And how do they gain ownership of it?
Do we know this?
Well, I am familiar with that.
It is above my pay grade, as you would say.
But the Firefox is doing many researches and it is very important for them to understand
the soil composition after the swordfall and the great winter.
So they're interested in the soil in the mine?
Yes, and some minerals and all of the riches of the land, all of the Arctic Circle is teaming
with minerals.
What sorts of things have you found in the mine?
Are you mining for anything in particular?
If you're not allowed to stay, of course, I wouldn't.
Yes, it is best that you attend to the Firefox Institute and make the enquiries there.
We are just happy to go to work and dig, dig, dig.
I hope.
OK.
What other interesting things can you tell us about mining law?
Well, first of all, you must have a very strong shaft.
And then proceed to talk for two hours about shafts.
Dangerous when time is in the essence here.
Because I do not fatigue, I can sit here and feign wrapped interest for a long time.
In fact, you don't really have any facial expressions, so you can just stare at it.
I am perfectly suited for this.
I lean into air while he's talking with the Dverg and say, how are you at hand-to-hand
contact?
It seems that might be an option.
And apparently, they give extra points to Doc Elfar before it starts.
That's what I've heard.
A lady and some others told me.
How am I at combat?
I'll give you a hint.
I'm dead.
No, I mean now, not before.
Not a lot better.
Didn't learn from his mistakes.
I received exactly one comprehensive lesson, failed the exam immediately, and I'm still
in remedial.
But I mean, if I'm our best choice, then I'll do what I can and you should run.
Yes.
Okay, very good.
I think we should go to the Old Dinger.
The Old Dinger.
Old Dinger.
I don't know if I'm saying that quite right.
It's not two words, the Old Dinger.
Old Dinger.
But feel free to rename the characters.
Hello, Old Dinger.
I must say the scenario is standing up really well when three anarchists have been introduced
into the mix.
It's been a while since the bot kissed anybody, but still.
Well I think, fellows, we should go to the Old Dinger and talk with the Alfar there.
And what was, GM, what was the Old Dinger again?
I've forgotten.
I'm sorry.
He's the Alfar priest who runs the Temple of the Bear.
Oh, now see, that's got to be useful.
What do my people think about that?
Is the Temple of the Bear like an Alfar thing?
Fair question.
So it's the Alfar are generally guardians of the wilderness and Old Dinger himself has
come to these lands of the menfolk in order to do his best to protect these spiritual
beings, these bears.
So he's often viewed across the town as a kindly guardian.
When you see him, you'll see he resembles a kind of gnarled bristle cone pine made of
a very dense pale wood.
He has a deep love of these beyond and is trying to preserve them and the ecosystem.
The Temple of the Bear itself is used to officiate ceremonies in Haltmaca.
Okay, so I'm thinking just before we head over there, there maybe there's an angle here
regarding the bear.
If we could get, if there's some angle in there about, you know, a well cared for bear
would never do this sort of thing.
Exactly.
You know, get some expert testimony.
I don't know what the equivalent will be.
Some expert testimony that Dingleberry, what was his name?
Fing Bogey, that's it.
Dingleberry, right.
Yeah.
Hence known as Dingleberry.
Was was somehow negligent or not a good bear?
He kicked the bear right at the end.
That's got to matter.
Also true.
We saw him kick the bear.
So we're wondering if there's some way to drag that in on our side.
All right.
Well, the Temple of the Bear sits slightly apart from the town proper, accessed by a
long gravel track.
It's an expensive wooden building and outside you can see statues of Odin, Thor and Jamali.
And inside is a wide rectangular hall with a fire burning in its center to provide much
needed heat.
The temple also doubles as a sanctuary for three orphaned bear cubs who roam freely inside.
The alpha spots you and says, brother, welcome, welcome, welcome.
What brings you to the Temple of the Bear?
Thank you.
Thank you, brother.
I have been trouble traveling with these fellows.
We were on the ice helping one of the men reach their final end and tame bear.
You mean to say one of your fellows has fallen?
It was Bjarn Bjarnsson, a local man, and then also another.
Oh, then woe is me.
Bjarny was an esteemed member of the congregation.
He was a fine, fine gentleman and we enjoyed his company immensely.
I would not go so far as to call him a fine gentleman, an ornery old bastard, but he had
his place.
He fitted with our group is what I'm saying.
Yes.
And the dingleberries, no, no.
What was his actual name, Er?
Njoki.
No, that doesn't sound quite right.
The way to say it.
We just we just naming Italian dishes.
Are we talking about our fallen friend or no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, the owner
of the bear, the pet bear that was so thin, bogie, thin, bogie, thin bogie.
I would give you counsel, my friends, do not insult a great man such as Finn Bogie.
Were you to have a slip of the tongue and call him Dingleberry, I fear that he would
impale you upon his sword and he would be defended by the law.
Yes, yes, yes.
However, his his his pet bear, his pet ice bjorn, Snow White, attacked our party and
killed the two men that we were taking to their well, one we were taking to the as it
turned out, we were taking both of them to their deaths.
But intentionally, we were only taking Bjarne.
Such a horror.
This is this is unheard of.
It is a matter for evil sorcerers or jealous neighbors, then perhaps they can take control
of ice bear and send them to kill an enemy.
If a bear behaves aggressively, it is a sure sign it is controlled by someone.
Naturally peaceful creatures.
Yes.
It it it seemed to us that Finn Bogie was perhaps not treating the bear with the respect
it was due.
Well, such a thing is blasphemy.
The ispion are liminal beings.
They straddle the divide between men and nature.
They are the very avatars of Odin himself.
Let me assure you if harm has come to one of your fellows, it is it is because of pernicious
behavior.
I must find this bear and sing him his birth myth to remind him that he is a good creature
who does not wish harm to anyone.
And the bear seemed unwell.
It was thin.
We watched Finn Bogie kick it.
It just seemed to us.
Our own problems are of less import than our concern for this poor animal.
Indeed, indeed.
Well, when it comes to the assembly, I shall I shall attest on your behalf.
If what you say is true and you swear the oath on the ring, then of course I will stand
by you and do what is right for our bear community.
I swear the oath.
This is what happened.
This is what we saw.
And it does not seem right.
It does not.
It does not, my fellow Alpha.
Well, call on me should you need me and I will be there to lend you my wisdom.
Please do come.
We could use your wisdom.
OK.
Well, how would you care to proceed?
The three bear cubs gamble playfully around your feet.
He is wondering if it would be appropriate to make some sort of a small gift to the temple
for the upkeep of these three bears or something along those lines.
If you wish to, then the Alpha would happily be delighted to receive your aid and arms.
A LMS as opposed to a RMS.
The bears already had some.
Well, what do you say?
Spruce.
Bruce.
Spruce.
It's like the tree equivalent of the of the Australian boos.
Is your name not Spruce?
I think he's just going to go through all of the various arboreal entities here.
Next week you'll be oak or pine.
Yeah, I do in fact have a list right here.
What an atrocious thing to do and how fitting.
All right.
Well, I from my own.
Well, it wouldn't be a pocket so much as perhaps a fork.
I will donate a dollar to the upkeep of the bear cubs says.
The priest is very happy with that and welcomes you to stay and warm yourselves by his half
fire.
Not too close.
The Alpha are in their non-spiritual form vulnerable to fire.
Yeah, actually I take double damage from fire.
Double damage from sitting too close.
Although I feel nervous mentioning that in front of the doc.
I'll fire.
I just feel like he doesn't really like me.
Don't know why.
OK, well, shall we?
What time of day are we at now?
Such things are beneath me, but we're going to need to know what you have spent many hours
wandering around and chin wagging with the locals and is disorientating with the sun
always in the sky.
No real distinction between dusk and dawn, such as the polar summer.
You find that it probably is nearing the morning.
I wonder if we have time to go to the Institute.
I think it's right in town.
I thought I saw it on the map.
I don't know if there's any influence or anything that can be gained from it, but it can't hurt.
I'm wondering about discussing the ownership of the mine and the reputability of previous
owners, that sort of thing.
Maybe we'll have some opportunity to throw Vin Bogey into disrepute or find out that
he has thrown himself into disrepute through his mine ownership activities, if any of that
is true.
Oh, I see.
So we can do character assassination, is what you're suggesting.
Yeah, that.
Yeah, yeah.
Well, you're welcome to do so and trudge back down the gravel path towards the centre of
town.
You hear the clanging of a bell, several handbells, in fact, start ringing out in unison and you
see a crowd beginning to assemble in the Halt Macar town square.
More and more people thrown together and you see some excited children at the edges of
the crowd point their fingers at you and gasp and attract some of the adults attention by
pulling hard on the hems of skirts and coats.
Balls right of tongue.
Let's go says, I think that mob is for us.
Yeah, let's go get singed.
I believe our mob is here.
Yes, let's get singed.
Yeah, I think past tense would be thing.
Yeah, while and if you get control, it'll be a wild thing.
That's saying be saying in this.
Or thong.
Wonderful.
I would say save it for the judge.
We are wearing him down, folks.
Just to warn you, there is a mob quickly assembling and in the thick of that mob is a man who
acts as the town law speaker, Craptie Thorfridsen.
He is a universally respected young man.
He has something of a beard going to gray and the long flowing robes of officialdom.
He has a keen mind and a reputation for a ready wit and a rare appetite for hard work.
And it is ultimately through the crowd that starts to gather and call out and cry.
There's an electric excitement in the town square as you walk towards facing your music,
so to speak, and Craptie stands up, tucks his robes in neatly around him.
And you see that it's him ringing the bell loudest surrounded by a couple of other officials.
But he's clearly convening the court.
When he makes eye contact with you, you hear him issue the following statement.
With law our land shall rise, but it will perish with lawlessness.
These twelve leading thanes, together with the reeds, shall go out and swear on the blood-reddened
rings which are given into their hands, that they will not accuse any innocent man, nor
shield a guilty one.
With that, the twelve thanes that he mentioned all come and swear an oath on the blood-reddened
ring and take their seats, either side of him, six on each side.
The crowd quietens down and everyone begins to look quite intently at you, but also someone
who's just looming over your shoulder, the seven-foot figure of Finn Boguey Asbjornsen.
Finn Boguey marches forward.
He also swears an oath on the ring, and then he stands before the judges and he says,
I take witness to this and give notice of an assault laid down by law against my property,
the Isbjornsenor Theater.
I say in this suit that these fellows ought to be made guilty, outlaws, not to be fed,
not to be forwarded, not to be helped or harbored in any way.
I call Thoron as my first witness and Thorbjorn as my second.
I have called them to bear witness before the court, so the judges may hear.
And with that, he begins to tell his version of the tale about how his poor bear was tempted
into the tundra by some inexperts and reckless hunters who were dragging a bleeding man,
almost as bait.
The poor Bjarni Bjarnsen, coughing and spluttering blood.
What were you thinking?
Why would you drag a bloody mess onto the ice?
If not to lure his poor bear who's been suffering from illness and needed a good hearty meal
to recover, a wasting disease that often affects the Isbjorn, he was trying to recover it after
it was hungrily snapped its bones and fled into the tundra, obviously tracking the tasty
morsel that you dangled before it.
What else was the poor creature to do but to attack and eat the humans?
Of course, you unfeeling denizens of death, the Dok'alfar, the wretched product of Yggdrasil's
Scream, a mechanical device barely fit for anal probing.
These three miscreants he demands are to be banished from the land.
Leomi thinks to himself we are screwed.
Aerith thinks to himself we're screwed but we're not going down.
We're not going neatly.
Leomi steps forward.
Swear the oath?
Swear the oath, yes.
Yeah, I should probably start with that.
Yes, I swear the oath.
You grasp the blood-raided ring of Ulla, the god of hunting and the god of these ceremonies
and prepare just like in the days of Yor to have your soul.
Obviously this man, Vinbogui, cares deeply for the Isbjorn.
It is for this reason that he allows it to run loose in the wild.
It's for this reason he beats it and kicks it on finding it again.
It is for this reason that he keeps it as a downtrodden beast of burden in his own belonging.
These are the only reasons there could be for such behavior.
You stand in front of the court and swear on the blood-raided ring that I am maltreating
these beasts of Odin?
We saw, we all saw after the poor creature attacked and consumed two of our fellows.
And then you arrived and mistreated the bear in front of us.
We all saw this.
It is a grave mistake to swear before the gods and men that I am a liar.
Thorbjorn, did you see me kick the great and noble Snow White?
Thoron, have I ever been known to mistreat the noble son of Odin himself?
Both his bodyguards shake their heads and look shocked at the very notion.
Do I see Uldinger in the crowd?
Uldinger is still back in the temple.
Oh.
Well, that's inconvenient.
Call for him.
Perhaps perhaps the bear can speak in some fashion.
Can we call for, can I call him as a witness or a, what was the word that?
Expert testimony.
Well, Finn Bolghi introduced two people who were going to be his witnesses.
Yeah, his bodyguards.
Yeah, his, yeah.
Okay.
Can we call then?
This is outrageous.
Crapty Thorfridsen, you mean to allow the alpha to collude?
There are but three in town, one benighted specimen and two scions of Yggdrasil.
Can you wish for them to make a mockery of your court?
I say that this case be tried by men and menfolk alone and not the twisted remnants of our
ancestors.
If we wanted the thoughts of spirits, well then we would all get on our knees and pray.
X'ko chimes up.
I look at Finn Bolghi and I reveal myself in every fashion possible.
I'm trying, I want to get this guy angry.
So when you reveal yourself, do you mean you really want him to see you?
I want him to see me.
I want him to look inside of me and know, know that he's lying, know the harm he's causing
in us.
So basically exposing your groin tubing.
Yes, all slots open.
Dripping lube, vibrations to the max.
The law speaker blushes and covers his eyes.
There is a kind of gasp that echoes across the town square as mothers gather their children
and hold them tight.
And the menfolk either curse or spit, Finn Bolghi himself goes bright beetroot red blazes,
fury from his eyes and draws his great heirloom sword and points it directly at you.
There is no need to bandy more words.
This one has spoken with his innards.
We will meet again in the court of Hormgann.
That's combat, right?
When you insult a local dignitary by flashing your nether regions in the middle of a solemn
legal procedure, you tend to lose the sophisticated debate.
Other than that, I feel we're handling it really well.
We're doing great.
It's the direction I was going to take, but I mean, I can't deny it's got impact.
The three of us are high-fiving over in the corner.
We successfully turned the tide of the trial.
There are people weeping in the mob, which starts to disperse.
The law speaker, in fact, he scowls at you and walks off with his officials, the judges.
Some of them smile and clasp hands with Fimbogui.
Perhaps it was a foregone conclusion, but justice will not prevail through a war of
words, but now through the point of dispute.
It was going to end this way anyway.
No, not at all.
We never actually had a chance.
Yeah, I asked the other Alpar to come over and the dwarves were going to come, but they're
not here and no one would listen to them anyway.
I think we're hard to be a stranger in this town, I think.
And I mean, they called us their ancestors and yet they're very disrespectful to their
ancestors.
Yeah, it's the same way you treat perhaps your grandpa at Thanksgiving.
There's a slightly racist old man at the end of the table.
You just feed him and hope he goes away.
I think that our another Regentbury friend has just sort of jumped us ahead to the end
of this inevitable process and really has saved everyone a lot of time.
Sure, sure.
That's definitely one way to look at it.
I would like to point out that were you elephant masters of rhetoric and you had brought all
of the various witnesses that you met to your defense, it's perfectly plausible to sway
the opinion and the judges and jury in your favor.
But I forgot to give them the summons.
Time has now passed.
So the jewel of honor.
I will explain a little bit about how the ritual combat is conducted because it will
be taking place very shortly.
Traditionally, it takes place between two jewelers, but Finn Bogey has proposed that
each of you enter the ring along with an opponent himself and his two bodyguards who have been
with him all along.
The jewel is to be fought on a secured cloak.
It's a little like a boxing or a wrestling ring.
It's about three meters square.
There's a boundary of ropes and the hazel post is three meters out.
Now Finn Bogey is so confident of victory that he is walking around the town square
with a bull, a sacrifice as an offering to the gods and parading it around and receiving
cheers and slaps on the back and toasts with ale horns.
And so all of that is going on while the ring is being set up.
A seer does perform a mystical right to uncover and banish any spells that might unjust the
effect the outcome of the jewel.
You are expected to use a sword or a shield or any other melee weapon.
You're not allowed to wear armor, guns and grenades might be a bit of a stretch.
Even if it's in a slot?
You can try and sneak one in.
We can make a roll for that in a bit.
You're going to strike a single blow in turn, the challenge, which is you will deliver the
first blow in that ring.
Due to the constraints of the ring, it's limited ability to maneuver and the law stipulates
that the fight shall end when first blood is drawn and shown upon the cloak beneath
the fighters feet.
So once a character or an opponent has been wounded in any way, they are eliminated from
the fight.
The last man standing takes the wear gelt or the blood money and gets the compensation
in this case.
So you're effectively three on three jewel with swords and shields.
If you don't have them, they will be provided.
It's up to you to cunningly maneuver and best your foe before they strike you down.
Do we have to blood all three of them or is it first blood of any one of them?
All three.
So it's an elimination round.
Okay.
Um, let's go.
Huddles up.
Huddles up the team.
Yeah, I'm starting to not like this guy.
Yeah, I think he needs a little bit of killing.
This guy, this guy needs to die.
I have a plan.
Oh, please.
Well, if it goes as well as the rest of our plans, we're golden.
We go ahead and we put the grenade in slot two, which is my wet tongue slot.
Oh, you are less likely to really dig around in there.
We get into the arena, pull the pin.
I go at the three of them, weaken them.
You guys finish them off and you put me back together.
You could.
Oh, you're right.
That we could play all three of them in one go.
If this works, we're just trying to blood them though, right?
We don't have to kill them.
Yeah, we just have to blood them.
Yeah.
But if things get worse, if we kill, would it be safe to assume that this
would be considered like this is disreputable?
Going into a sacred ritual environment.
Should be fine.
That's only meant that has literally had a seer go in and dispel any sense of wrongdoing
and malpractice, smuggling in a grenade and blowing everyone up.
No, I'm sure it'll be fine.
It's a sacred grenade, is that how?
Is it a holy grenade?
Thank you.
I'll be here all week.
Yes, I mean, I'll count to five.
So Ed, you are more than welcome to do that.
It's going to make things noticeably worse.
We can explore other options.
It's hard to see how much worse it's going to get.
Okay.
New part of additional part of plan.
Suppose you do this.
We pretend to be horrified or moral outrage or something like that.
That'll go over.
You take the moral fall for it and we gather up your pieces in a bag or whatever and we
take you out, you are banished and we take you outside the city and then put you back
together or something.
It's not a great plan.
You just have to hope that the Norse courts of the Lord don't have a doctrine of collective
responsibility.
Kill that man for another one of those hints.
Could I write a manifesto?
Oh, good.
And then kind of absolve you guys.
Is it in the style of the Kama Sutra?
Yes.
It's an illustrated manifesto.
I want to illustrate my positions on this particular problem.
I mean, this is literally one of those love and not a fighter scenarios.
It really is.
It's going to be a strong statement, that's for sure.
What if he were to blow himself up before the fight had actually formally started?
I feel like we'd still be made to pay.
I don't know if Fimbogi has enemies that are going to conveniently blow him up and then
two people show up to the ring.
Yeah, we might accidentally kill somebody else.
Are you talking about as an act of protest?
I feel like that's a fine line of distinction that may not be fully appreciated by the locals,
given that he outcast all three of us essentially as non-human and no one was saying, hey, that's
not very nice.
Everyone kind of went, yeah.
And the fact that we only had non-human friends to back us up and none of them showed up,
it's bad look.
What if, yeah, that was not good.
That's true.
Even if all our friends had shown up, it was still all non-humans and serfs.
What if we try and get the blood win?
We might get one.
And if that fails, then we go to explosive sex grenade.
Okay.
Not afraid to hear that often.
No.
We've got the GM rubbing his temples now.
I got up this morning, explosive sex grenade was not something I expected to hear.
Explosive sex grenade in a home gang.
I mean, there's Norse purists and Viking aficionados everywhere rolling in there, rolling in their
graves.
They're having palpitations of some sort.
Yeah.
The Dverg are naturally kind of earthy and mischievous, just like their dwarven campers.
It's well within character.
Just don't necessarily expect anyone to look at the steaming legs that are left and feel
any contrition.
Well, they don't like us now.
How much worse is it going to get?
Yeah.
Well, it feels like we're on a steam train to find out.
Yeah.
All right.
So is that the plan?
We try and go for the first blood?
Yeah.
We run on us around above the table question.
What happens if we get two hits and they get one?
Since it's three on three, then in BAM, too, there's only one of them and two of you.
So every gets hit, gets kicked out.
Oh, rounds.
Right.
You did say rounds.
Okay.
So we can't let the sex bomb droid get bloodied or else he'd be ejected.
Right.
It's kind of a round one kind of move.
Or we could try to take the hits for him.
But then we're out.
But he's still in and he's still got his.
He may not even get the grenade through the preparatory stuff.
I think that would be a tie also.
Yeah.
Okay.
We're overthinking.
We're thinking at all.
This is the first time this is the most discussion we've had about it.
And it's because we backed ourselves in a corner.
Go ahead, Ian, you were going to say.
Yeah, perhaps you just let the norms decide.
The great fates who control your destiny.
You think you're in control of this, but ultimately this is all preordained.
So don't feel bad.
And the norms that I'm dead.
We're both dead.
They've rendered judgment on us centuries ago.
That's true.
So really what you're saying is that you're like a twist of fate that should be unnoted.
And we can always start the whole adventure from the beginning.
We might do better the next time.
Also like a Groundhog Day sort of thing.
Yeah, until we get it right.
We'll Bill Murray ourselves until we win.
I'm sure everyone would love to listen to episode 17.
Exactly the same as episode one.
Definitely novel entertainment.
All right, I think we should go for the fight.
Let's do it.
Let's go for it.
With Grenade as backup.
You know what?
Grenade at your judgment.
Okay.
Now that's what I was going to say too.
Bimbo again, it's two henchmen stand opposite you in the ring.
They are stripped down to the waist, their oiled bodies are glistening.
They clutch their shields like professionals.
They swing their short swords with the skill of experts, twirling them around their head.
Bimbo says, are you ready to play with the grownups children?
He levels again his great heirloom sword, a sword forged from the furnaces of Viking
craftsmen a millennia ago.
His braid flutters in the wind as they all set themselves up, poised for battle.
Using the rules of when the war comes, you may choose a fast turn or a slow turn.
If you want to take a fast turn, you will be able to charge and strike a blow.
I'll take a fast turn and I'll eject the sword from my front slot and I can run out
of them kind of like a spinning like a top because I'm on tracks.
Are you throwing the sword away Ed?
No, I don't have arms.
So I was thinking that whatever weapon I have would just be coming out of a hole.
I kind of spin like a top at them using my robot speed.
Of eight, which is considerably slower than most.
Oh, I got a boost.
You got a boost, you want someone to push you.
You can certainly trundle towards them.
I was expecting myself like a battle bot.
Again, that might be just in your memory banks.
Perhaps you've got a corrupted file somewhere because actually you're just badly put together
sex bot.
What are you trying to hit them with?
The sword, right?
Yeah, they said swords would be provided.
You said you were ejecting it or you kind of stuck it in?
Extending, I think.
Extending, okay.
I thought you were flinging your sword.
He's a sex bot, he's all about extending.
I'm thinking I should use my action to help our sex bot friend with his endeavor.
You have an ability to...
No, I was just hoping for some sort of an assistance action.
I'm just looking through the list.
Yeah, there is a help action.
You may give him a wheel if you decide.
For example, if you move in close, you give him an extra bit of a shove for momentum purposes
that would count and he would get a wheel on his roll.
I could also do Guardian Tree and give him protection, which is a plus one woe to the
attacker, I believe.
Well, they're going to swipe at us anyways.
I don't give much for my chances anyways.
All right, what the heck?
That seems like an interesting thing.
Yeah, I'm doing it.
Let's do it.
I'm helping.
Okay.
I'm getting the point.
Said General Pattern.
What the heck?
Yeah.
We have a five minute conversation.
That's exactly what they said.
And then Eisenhower said, ah, what the heck?
Come on.
Let's do it.
All right.
So, Ed, let's go.
He's charging as best possible and aiming for whom?
I'll go for Dickham.
I'll go for Dickham, going right for his shins.
I just got to draw blood, right?
So there is a woe on your charge, but it's balanced out by the wheel that Steve has given
you with his help action.
So just roll a straight D20 and you're going to modify it for your might.
I don't think I have any modifiers on my might.
I have a might of eight.
So I think that's...
Yeah, so that's minus two.
Minus two.
Oh, shouldn't have said anything.
The Norns are always watching, Ed.
All right, so...
Yes, you're going to roll a dice 20.
You're going to take away two, subtract two, and you're going to tell me the result.
So I roll a D20.
I got...
Oh, I got an eight.
So six.
Your elaborate spinning maneuver merely positions you immediately in front of Tim Bogie as he
raises his blood-drinker sword far above his head.
Oh, nice.
Ready to strike.
The sword plunges down from an imperious height and it cleaves four legs go directly into
two halves.
Oh no.
You 12 damage, which I think is significantly higher than your health, right?
I mean, yes.
The two respective parts of you slide with a clatter to the ground.
Your conscious memory, your ROM and your RAM all meld into one and you just see a whole
line of glitches that eventually coalesce into an error code and you power there.
Just out of curiosity, where's the grenade at this point?
In your right hand half.
Okay.
Luckily, as yet un-pinned, I know that you did, Bill, try and protect me with your Guardian
Tree.
So you really did feel the whoosh of that sword as it evaded your attempt to defend
your colleague.
Now the two bodyguards, the two wolf feeders in the employer Tim Bogie, they both strike
and bizarrely strike wide.
I think they're so overcome with mirth at the collapse of legs go into his constituent
parts that they haven't been concentrating on poking you with their pointy things.
Humor is mightier than the sword.
It's well known.
So back to the top of the round.
Both of you may do something in round two.
Okay.
We're just going to assume that you're one little armature ticking against something
slower.
A little wire blowing in the wind looking like a waving hand.
One rattling hubcap somewhere.
So can I do a quick action then and do an attack?
All right.
Let's do that.
Now I get a plus 12.
I'm pretty sure.
No, it's my might is nine.
So it's a minus one from the attack.
Do we want to discuss this at all?
Is this are we just going to just trade swings?
Is that what we're going to do?
Battle hardened veterans of the Yotun War who returned in order to be elite bodyguards
versus a tree man and a living statue.
What could go wrong?
I don't think any amount of discussion is going to improve the situation.
All right.
Let's just go for it.
We got to get lucky.
Let's get it over with.
May the Norn protect you.
All right.
Here we go.
Rolling.
He doesn't need to be so he can just he just he just leave it in the room with fun.
Yeah, it's it's one above double.
Holy fuck.
So it was it was a two minus one.
So I believe a palpable miss.
You swing your sword with all of the imagined grace and fury of yesteryear when you were
a true Viking warrior.
Unfortunately, none of that translates into your tree born decrepitude.
And you swing so wide.
Again, they just laugh.
Did one of the parasitic bugs flick into its eye or something like that?
Maybe something.
No.
OK, I'm trying to get into your my eye.
Yes, with that role, that does seem to be it's down to you to defend the dog.
Oh, far on it.
OK, you marble bastard.
You've got to remember, remember, you do have your ability to resist.
Right.
But that's a that's an action that would take the entire day.
And they're just trying to touch me.
They're not trying to kill me.
They're going to kill me.
But
So I will just tell them, say out loud, go on, send me back to the afterlife, get it over
with and I will swing.
And oh, that's six.
None of us rolled above eight.
In reply, there are a flurry of sword blows, your defenses are thoroughly penetrated.
You suffer one thrust through his shoulder, almost shatters the stone visage.
Ultimately, you are deemed to have lost.
Timberlake raises his arms triumphantly, twirls his great blood drinker sword in the air and
bellows in triumph, whilst kicking the remnants of poor Lexko out of the Horn Ring.
Always with the kicking.
We're out lost.
That's what's going to happen.
It was always going to be this way.
It's a bit predictable given how we've been playing so far.
The victors are parading around the town, triumphant, yelling and screaming.
There is there are whoops and applause.
The name is chanted, Fimbogui, Fimbogui, Fimbogui.
It echoes through the town square while you look on, presumably dejected.
The law speaker comes over to you and says, unfortunate, my friends, unfortunate.
Having been eliminated, I am afraid that you must pay the Hormor ransom of three crowns
to the victors.
You must pay up immediately.
Well, well, well.
Let me have the means to pay my friends.
I don't know yet.
We're working on it.
Give us a moment.
You know, the calculation of coin in the tradition of the barn is empty of the horse already.
Perhaps we should have negotiated with him upfront.
He might have taken less.
Far too late for that.
Yeah.
The list price of my revolver is three crowns.
How much would it be worth in this instance?
Okay.
Fimbogui strides over to you and puts his arms around you and says, my friends, my friends,
I will not take everything of your worldly possessions.
Let me do this.
Give me your pistol.
Give me your firecracker.
And I will take the remnants of your shattered friend and hang him on my wall.
Then you two may go about whatever infernal business you alfar get up to.
But I suggest you do it far from my town, lest the stench of the wolf dropping passed
about you and you be declared outlawed.
Well, I don't see we have much choice.
What do you think?
I mean, the droids cut in half.
What's he going to do?
Blow up on us now?
I don't think so.
And in some ways, this is our most successful mission yet.
Neither of us died.
Actually, half as many casualties as last time.
And so the title of this adventure, the first in the thought and memory saga is nobody dies
in the help of a car and very successfully proved it wrong by losing one character, losing
one character every time we turn up to record.
So on that grim note, we will say farewell to Ed.
Rest assured that instead of shining brightly, carried by the Valkyries to Valhalla, you
are now adorned someone's mantelpiece.
Who knows where on the wall I'm hanging, you know, or what I'm being used for.
Maybe the wall in the sex dungeon.
Hung waist Time.