Welcome to Vikings and Valkyries, an actual play podcast for When the Wolf Comes, a role-playing
game set in a parallel timeline where the Norse rule the seas and stars with restless
fleets.
My name is Ian Stuart Sharpe and I will be your Games Master for the campaign ahead,
the Thought and Memory saga. Joining me to face their fate are an intrepid band of Kith
and Kin, Ed, Jay, Steve and Bill. Mark their names well as they may be the last ones you
are able to pronounce.
Welcome not-so-gentleman to the podcast.
Thank you.
Thank you very much.
Now, I'm correcting that you've all rolled dice before together. Tell us a little bit
about your pedigree. Perhaps we'll start with you, Bill. You're the old, wise and distinguished
member of the group.
Yeah, well, all of those are true, I believe. Yeah, long-time role-playing game enthusiast
since my teens, which is decades ago. Early versions of Advanced Dungeons and Dragons,
Traveler and everything in between regularly beat everyone on this call in various board
games. Just a huge, huge winning thing. And I just love getting my RPG on and getting
my board game on. I think that's a reasonable summary.
Very good. Well, who else would like to contest Bill's clearly fabricated version of events?
I'll go next, unless we're on a fight for it. No, my name's Steve. I've gamed for nearly
as long as Bill, because frankly, that's impossible. I've regularly beat him at board games despite
his lies. I've been playing every edition of Dungeons and Dragons so far, very poorly
at all of them, and looking forward to doing very poorly at another one.
Very good. And Ed?
I'm Ed. I am pretty new to the D&D scene. I started about six years ago with early edition
of D&D, and caught up and started doing the new edition. My expertise comes, I did improv
for a long time, did that through high school and some of my early adult life. So I'm hoping
to bring that angle to the whole situation here.
Very good. And then last but not least, Jay, some form of direct lineage from the Elder
Hopkins.
Yes, I was born from his seed. It's a bit embarrassing. But you know what, it's the
truth. So ever since I was born, I was ripping board games, I was winning quick, never looked
back. But I'm into the D&D scene now because my plans of being an actor didn't work yet.
A famous actor.
So this could be the launch pad for something amazing?
Well, this is it. I think, yeah, it's like I get my acting practice. I just lie to people
and then I just do this.
The problem is the Vikings TV series is pretty much finished and gone on hiatus, I'm afraid.
So you know, that's a lot.
Well, we're gonna pick up where they left off.
Yeah.
All right. Well, with that in mind, without further ado, let's launch what we're calling
the V&V podcast, hoping that the lawyers at Wizards Off the Coast appreciate my enunciation.
We are playing a game called When the Wolf Comes, as I said, now I've had a little bit
of a hand in this myself. It's set in the Viking verse, which is something that I have
fashioned myself around some novels, comics, and now the RPG. And the setting for this
campaign, the Thought and Memory campaign, is the far-flung remote outposts of Empire,
the land of Heimslit, which means the world's edge in Old Norse. And we will throughout
this podcast confuse everyone now and then by sprinkling in some Old Norse just to make
it a little bit more authentic and to force people to spit all over their screens and
into their microphone. But your characters are all assembled in the town of Hjálpmakaar.
Hjálpmakaar. means literally in Old Norse it means help each other. And it's both the name of
a town and the kind of general advice to people who live in the middle of nowhere. Now, before
I dive in and give you a deeper description of the town, perhaps we can introduce each
of the characters and why they find themselves in the frozen North. And perhaps we just follow
the same order in which we went through the personal introductions and start with Bill.
Who are you playing today? I'm playing Ljolmi. I am an álfar, which is a spirit encased in
a tree's body, an offshoot of the great world tree. My friends describe me as aloof, honest
and dependable as they should. I grew up worshiped by wanes in the sacred grove. And of course,
they worship me. Woods, I feel, are at the core of everything. I detest a tyrant. I love
peace on the war. Very nice. Now, the world of the Viking verse and Norse mythology in
general, the álfar are attested to as kind of these spirits of light that are often seen
dancing on the wind. But you have been given bodily form as a kind of a venging angel,
so to speak, caused by the cataclysmic death of Yggdrasil in a huge stellar explosion.
And your people have been birthed in this tree-like form. How is that going for you?
You're kind of an old spirit sucked into this new body.
Well, there are debts to be settled. I live to serve. I listen to the other alfar. They
are the wisest of all beings, of course. But there is much work to be done. There is a
lot to correct. There is a lot of wrongs to right. So many things have been afflicted
upon the natural world that must be corrected.
And can you remember anything of your former life, because you were this ancestral spirit
who's been forced to come back to the world to attend to the wounds of the world's tree?
I served faithfully, Sigurd Hring, and I fell in the eighth century over a thousand years
ago.
Which is about the same time that you first started playing D&D.
A fortunate coincidence. Thank you so much for bringing it up.
You're welcome. Now, Steve, you're your own form of caged spirit, but instead of the light
elf, the Ljósálfar, you're playing a dark elf, or at least the Norse version of that.
Once upon a time, long, long ago, I fought the armies of the Tartars and died. Well,
up until I took an arrow to the knee and then a sword to the head and had Kalka. And I want
to say again, Mistislav is still an idiot. He ran the battle run. And it doesn't matter,
though. After the afterlife I went, I don't remember a lot of it. I remember it was a
good time until I was plucked, yanked out of the afterlife and crammed into this artificial
construct, this prison against my will. Although credit where it's due, it is a magnificent
prison. It is a, in the shape of a perfect male specimen, made of the most, made out
of perfect flawless black stone, etched with gold and silver. As prisons go, it'll do for
now, at least until I'm able to escape this prison and return to the afterlife, which
I'm told is impossible, but I don't believe that. I hear this buzzing. I'm not some anyways,
that's my story. That's all they're getting for now.
Very good. Now the buzzing, is that something on your microphone or is that just the kind
of rattling of ancestral spirits driving you insane?
It's the rattling of a particularly irritating ancestral spirit. He's centuries older than
me.
He's referring to many, many centuries older.
What an abomination in the natural order he actually is.
Good. Well, glad we've got the right side and the left side of the Elven races represented.
I'm the right side. You're a tree.
And Ed, how do you join this merry throng?
I am the dverbr Legsko. And I am an old model, simply a year old, reborn by some enthusiasts
who just wanted to make the best recreational model they possibly could.
In this universe, the Dvergr are the dwarves of this world, the original Norse word Dvergr
They were never particularly short. They were these kind of demons of death, born of the
land and the soil. They were spirits of rock. But that's not to say they weren't sly and
furtive and slightly rambunctious. And you presumably have all of those qualities to
boot.
My creators I ran away from, I was able to find my way away from the wilderness after
barely purchasing my freedom. And I was able to do that. My body is very particular. I
have a very small, low, rigid platform, deep-bred size, and I'm on tracks. I'm on tracks like
a tank. And basically where my mouth is, I basically look like a car from Cars.
Are you still under warranty, Ed? As you know, the dvergr have limited lifespans and often
returned to the stores in which they were bought because they are well known for being
temperamental, irascible, and faulty.
Well, I'm definitely of the mindset that I need to maybe find someone to maybe extend
that warranty. We'll see. I'm enjoying life. I want to enjoy life, and I want to enjoy
life as long as possible.
Very good. Now, when I came up with the idea for the dvergr and drew them from the pages
of myth, it was very much with Roy Batty from Blade Runner in mind. So your limited battery
life is reducing all of the time. So keep an eye on that. And in the meantime, let's
talk to Jay and hear all about his horse gelding.
Yeah, so I'm whole leaf. I, you know, I'm reasonably tall. I'm like six, five, medium
height. Actually now five, ten, five, nine, be honest, five, nine.
Six five in heels.
Yeah, six five when I got my hair on right. And I have glasses and I'm a funky looking
guy. I'm a hearty looking guy. Like I could, I could climb something.
And you're the only human.
Yeah, I'm a human, which is great. I'm the only normal. I was, you know, in the military.
It was not pretty. And now I had no choice. I'm a criminal. So it is what it is. It's
one of those things.
And how did you get the nickname of being a horse gelder?
So they thought so it was my 18th birthday. My mom rode into town with a bunch of horse
and she said, we're going to eat this one tonight. And I said, I'm not sure I should
have asked.
And I said, I look, I ain't going to eat it, but I will try pieces, portions, bite size,
three bite sized. And so and that's where we discovered that if you chop the testicles
off of the horse, they still perform well. But you can stand you can get a little tasty
kind of chicken nugget.
Very good. Now there was actually in ancient Norse times in the in the Viking era, something
called the cult of the Volsi, which was actually the cult of the horse penis. They were all
kinds of phallic rituals. And there was lots of sex. Sex magic is a big Viking thing. So
I'm glad you've embraced that in the aftermath of your war torn psychosis.
Thank you.
All right. Now, we will take this rather odd bunch and we will we will transport you all,
like I said, to Heimslit, the end of the world, the northernmost inhabited remnant of empire
in this frozen town. The four of you for some reason, you are here in Hjálpmakaar. and you find
yourself standing outside the sick house, which is the town's hospital. Perhaps you're
trying to shelter from the intense cold. Perhaps you've been chased there by a band of yipping
huskies that drive the sleds across the snow. Perhaps you've just wandered there because
it was the brightest neon sign that was flickering in the perpetual sun. But you find yourself,
all four of you in front of the sick house when a wheeled verve, wrestling with medical
diagnostics and displays calls out to you.
Hello meatbags. Hail, OK Seil. I have a job for you. Would you care to enter and hear
more? I will not take no for an answer for fate has brought you to my door.
Ah, fate. Good.
Brother, Hail, Ok Seil.
Who's this guy?
This guy is a diver. He's a, it looks like a diagnostic bot, a kind of medical doctor.
He's rolling around on some rather impressive tires that are kind of all weather terrain.
They enabled him to cope with the snow and ice.
So you got a warm spot in there somewhere.
And I do, meatbag. Please do come in and rest your joints.
Fine clockwork.
I can lubricate and probe and see what ails you.
Do me.
This guy is, this guy gets it.
Would you mind?
By all means, meatbag.
Say ah.
I roll up to get a closer look.
The diver has got all kinds of instruments. He's kind of bristling with them. Things pop
out and emerge and you find yourself with antenna like things popping from his fingers.
And he also connects across to you, Ed, the Legkso. He also says to you, please say ah.
Ah.
Hmm. How curious. You have a rune on your tongue. Or should I say tasting implement.
Can you read it to me?
I can do better than that. I can take a photograph and reveal it to you here. And he snaps something
and then he hands it up. There is a rune. It is the rune for os, the god rune emblazoned
on your tongue.
While he's doing that, he's holding the other tongue and kind of got it between two pincers.
He's got Halif's tongue. So Halif, you're unable to talk effectively for the next couple
of minutes while this pincer has literally got your tongue.
Attention clockwork. Do you know the Winterwise? I seek to speak with them. They must hear
me. I seek to speak with them. Do you know them?
I am aware of the Winterwise, of course.
Take me there.
I do not believe that that is appropriate. I have asked for your assistance in my own
dilemma. I have an escaped meat bag who is on death's door. And as you know, the death
law will not permit any meat bag to expire within the town's environs. I will happily
pay one crown and write a letter of recommendation to the Winterwise. Were you able to assist
in taking the meat bag to the Attastoop and hurling him to his demise?
I will do this thing. I do not speak for these others. But this is an insufficient offer,
but I will accept it anyway.
And the rest of you meat bags? Are you happy to facilitate my request?
We find a meat bag and throw them to their death.
That is correct. The town's death law requires that no one die within the town's environs
in order that we do not attract the Ísbjörn. The sacred ísbjörn must not eat the people
within the town lest they are encouraged to do so and mayhem ensues.
Let's get this going.
I would see an Ísbjörn. I have heard they are marvellous creatures. What says the Mayfly?
That short ruddy one with the red cheeks.
Who is a criminal?
With his tongue in a vine?
Yes.
I would like to hear what he says. Perhaps it is more like...
Does somebody have cut his brain off with my tongue?
I believe he said yes.
My apologies. I will release your tasting appendage.
Can you get the other one out too?
Oh, my apologies. I will remove my anal probes.
No wonder you said he had red cheeks.
I am feeling rather relaxed right now.
So, are you telling me that we have to get a bag of meat?
Are you telling me we are getting a bag of meat?
The patient, Bjarnie Bjarnason, has indicated a 93% chance of expiry within the next 48
hours. He must be escorted to the Attestoop where he may perform the ritual, cleansing
and jump to his demise.
Alright, so y'all want to do it?
Does he have to jump and we push?
You may speed his egress in whichever way you see appropriate.
It might be funny. I'm in.
Yeah.
Which direction? Which direction clockwork thing?
Down, right, if he has to fall?
I presume.
Which direction do we walk in?
I see I am the only one who will be approaching the Winterwise to offer them advice.
My suggestion is this, that you find Bjarnie Bjarnason in his cabin, engage him, avail
him of the opportunity to abide by the death law.
May I also suggest that you purchase something from my Happy Death Day range?
I have cards, balloons and of course streamers.
They may well be useful in facilitating the ready acceptance of the Meat Bag's demise.
I'll buy the cards.
And do you have Imperial Crowns?
I didn't get a balloon when I died.
Can we put a tab on this stuff?
Indeed you may.
Please take your pick of the selection of merchandise and I will deduct it from your
eventual fee.
I will also provide you with a rifle and ammunition, vest you run afoul of the ísbjörn.
Of course it is forbidden to take a life of the isbjorn or endanger or harm it in any way,
but you may well wish to fire a warning shot.
Can I grab that?
Yes, good suggestion.
How expensive is the card or cards?
It is a fluctuating price depending on how well you perform your mission and eliminate
any unnecessary disturbance.
I see.
So we'll find.
The Clockwork toy, the other Clockwork toy, can put it on his tab.
That's a good idea.
It's sort of a quarter day I would say.
Anything dies so quickly.
I take the cards and I put them into my fourth slot.
Did we all sign the card?
What's the custom?
Whose birthday is it?
It's kind of the opposite, but I mean it feels like we should, you know, what do you write,
like good luck on your trip?
Are these between?
Look before you leap perhaps?
Maybe we like tell him we get him to the point where he's like about to jump, then we make
him read it and it's like turn around and then we push him.
Most ingenious, the Dverg just in case anyone was interested in social niceties or your
basic common decency known as Valtoki.
He hasn't bothered to ask your name, however, and he appears to have very little insight
into whether you are organic, non-organic, male or female or what have you.
The Dverg is simply interested in you stopping him dealing with the embarrassment of a dead
patient on his grounds.
Can I level with him, Dverg?
You can certainly try.
Funny enough, you may well both share the level of religion, which is the Dverg religion
that I believe you adhere to.
That is true.
So I go up close and I say, listen, buddy, like, what are we really dealing with here?
Are we, are you sending these fuckers on a crazy mission or are we good?
Like am I good to go with them?
Does this sound like two modems talking back and forth?
Yeah, I think so.
If they are both speaking double Dverg, which is the language of dwarves, which is so called
because partly it's binary and partly because it sounds like complete nonsense to anyone
else who is trying to listen in, then he does, yes, whine and whistle back at you.
But this is what it would translate to in English.
He says there is no cause for concern.
This is a routine exercise to make sure that a distinguished citizen rests in an appropriate
and lawful manner.
All right.
I got, sorry, go ahead.
I plant a kiss on his Dverg cheek as is traditional for the Dvergs and we might go back to the
crew.
If it is traditional, he is taken aback and he rocks back on his wheels and says to you
that is not an appropriate bedside manner.
I'm a different kind of doctor.
Perhaps your, perhaps your, perhaps your circuitry is crossed.
I suggest you run an internal diagnostic.
I got more than enough going on in the internal, I'll tell you that.
No, no, no.
Listen, I got four pennies.
You take me or I'm back.
You run an internal diagnostic just before I head out.
Four pennies.
I don't got nothing more.
Unless it's more than that, then we can just leave.
Which of the clockwork toys are you speaking to?
Oh, I'm speaking of Val, sweet honey Val.
Sweet honey Val.
Well, he's agreed to deduct your fee so you don't have to pay him in advance unless you
want, unless you want to take medical services now.
I don't think you've taken any damage just yet.
That anal probe might have been, you know, hot and warm, but it's probably quite healing.
Oh yeah.
Okay, so I'm feeling good already.
I don't, you don't think I need it.
I think that you're full of endorphins.
Thank you.
All right.
Yeah, you've already been probed right up the fjord.
Oh my.
You would save him that one.
Now you're in this scenario now where the four of you have been flung together in what's
effectively a hospital waiting room.
The rest of the sick house is empty.
There's bare beds, six bare beds.
There's not really much to be seen.
There are no other patients, perhaps no other patients would be insane enough to get the
help of Valtoki.
But you now get to look at each other the first time and get the, the measure of the
various men or elves or Dverg.
So you can, you can decide whether you are going to get along or whether you're just
going to amble along, but it is, it is definitely an interesting band.
Whereas most Viking troops would, you know, for example, Jay, from your warrior days,
you would have been full of a band of brothers.
You now really do feel that you are surrounded by this, these misfits.
A bunch of weirdos.
Yeah, that's my life surrounded by weirdos.
How you guys doing?
You guys doing all right?
No offense.
Do you more sensitive creatures need supplies, sustenance, that sort of thing before we depart?
Who you calling sensitive?
I don't need sustenance per se.
Do you need winding?
Winding and dining.
Winding?
I can't help with that, perhaps the, what did he call it?
A meat bag.
I think he's, I think Bill's referring to the fact that he's a, there's a clockwork
mechanism in these, in these old, old contraptions.
There's actually no sign of a key or clockwork, although Steve, I'm sure your character, Eir
has a rather fetching headdress.
Yes, I've, appearance wise, I've decided that his appearance is, it's like his, he's not
close as such.
It's just that this magnificent sculpture that he is has been fashioned so that it looks
like, it looks like almost an unnecessarily ornate version of 14th century armor complete
with helm, except it's part of him.
Has no protective value whatsoever, but I mean, appearances, it's something, it's familiar,
it's comforting.
Yeah.
So, so your big tin can?
More stone than tin, but.
All right.
I, I shall ask my question again, and I will use smaller words this time.
Do you need food and drink before we go out into the world?
That's a good idea, actually.
Yeah, that is a very good idea.
I have bread.
Do you need to be watered?
You might need to be watered, actually.
You might have a point.
It's I'm kindly meant, I'm, I'm certain abomination, but I am fine for the moment.
Thank you so very much.
So wait, am I the only one that's got to eat?
Yeah, it might be.
Oh man.
You still like eating.
Yeah, I think, I think Ljomi probably does quite well with photosynthesis.
So there's a good segue in to remind you that outside, because it's the polar summer, the
midnight sun dominates the sky.
So it's always light throughout.
All of this adventure, you will not be able to hide in shadows or stulking darkness because
the sun is always toiling above you.
Now the town itself is a kind of rough industrial town.
There's a vibrant community there, but it's also very much melded with the wild.
So reindeer mope in between the abandoned mining gear that doubles as surreal monuments
on the street corners.
And the air is alive with the excited yips of huskies that call the town home.
And then on the fjords, just on the outskirts of town, you can see it clearly from your
vantage point.
You can see whales swimming and that's not an unusual occurrence to see a walrus lazing
on the shore.
And beyond the just the sick house, there's the bank, there's a newspaper, a hotel, the
law house, restaurants, several bars.
And obviously the town has the research institute, the Firefox Institute named for the Northern
Lights and the myths surrounding those.
That's where the winter wise and their students have holed up in this remote outpost to study
the effects of that harsh winter and hopefully reverse it before the world ends.
The rumors of Ragnarok become true.
So all around you as well, there are houses made of stone bright painted aluminium.
Some of them are raised on stilts to avoid permafrost melting underneath and see the
shifting nature of the ground that comes with the kind of freezing and the unfreezng under
the summer sun.
One of those houses is presumably the home of Bjarnard Bjarnardsson, the meat bag who
you have been asked to escort to the Attistup.
Does anyone know the nature of the Death Law?
Do you want me to explain that to you or have you got a good handle on it and the reason
for picking people to the Attistup or as it's known the Troll's tongue?
People push them off the Troll's tongue, right?
That's right, they're pushing them down.
The reason for it is because they don't want people to die in town because this area is
surrounded by the isbjorn, the polar bears are sacred animals.
They don't want to cause the animals to be lured into town by dead bodies, by carrion.
If they're eating people then they can be forced to be shot at and no one wants to injure
these bears.
And they're not just polar bears in this kind of Norse world, they are really sacred animals.
They're blessed with powerful spirits and observing, protecting and even gifting the
bears is one of the reasons why Hjálpmakaar. exists.
The Ísbjörn are the kings and queens of beasts, they're the rulers of the wild and
they're known amongst the population as things like Odin's dogs, the ever wandering ones.
They're wise and powerful beasts and there is a kind of sanctity about them that you
would be wise to heed.
Better than people.
I have a question for the clockwork that pokes things, how long a journey to the meatbags,
the hunting, fishing hut, I forget what you said.
The Dverg has somewhat retreated back to its duties having been kind of offended and it
just chimes back at you, this conversation can serve no further purpose.
Thank you for your custom.
I turn to Eir, I hope I'm pronouncing your name right Abomination.
Eir?
Is that what it is?
Eir?
Eir.
Why don't you go ask that thing again, I didn't get a sufficient answer.
Go ask it again.
No.
Alright, unnecessary companions, I think we should head out.
We don't have to, I'll go through it.
Wait a second, I only got bread, I only got four pennies of bread so I don't got any money
if we get some food for me.
I might get a little hungry.
I think we spent everything on the card.
You spent everything on the card.
You pre-spent on the card I believe, you're already sinking yourself into debt but with
such a short life why not?
So Eir or Ljomi, you guys got me a little bit of a chunk of change on you?
Let's swing by the market and we can find something to keep you alive a little longer.
Cheers.
You can always cut a piece off that ornate skin the thing is wearing.
There's a range of places where you might get victuals from the cooking kettle which
is the name of the local hostelry or you could go to Gunners Gunstore for a variety of outdoor
equipment or perhaps you know Bjarnard Bjarnsadrson himself may have equipment and sustenance
for the road ahead.
You know from just your general understanding of the environments that the Attistoop is
probably a day and a half, two days walk, bear in mind the sun will not set so you will
be camping in the kind of red, golden, amber hues of the almost setting sun but it never
dips below the horizon.
We can stop if we must but really I won't need any rest.
Can you survive until we get to this gentleman because then you can have all his food once
we escort him to the bottom of the cliff.
Finding his house is a bit like walking around a neighbourhood.
If you expire through starvation whilst looking for this guy's house there's something wrong
you're pretty well nourished.
Is there a city hall or a library?
There is the law speaker's office, the Norse kind of system of justice has a law speaker
who presides over the thing, the thing being the kind of local assembly and place where
laws are made.
So you could go there if you wanted to speak to a figure in authority.
I do believe you have a map that you may be able to look at and prove it.
Depending on how quickly you want to get on your way, remember this guy did have a 93%
chance of dying in the next couple of days.
I just think it's a good idea.
I mean if it's a big enough city they probably run a census.
We could probably get some public records from the law office, see where he lives.
And that is a very good and sensible idea but it's more town size, probably 2 or 3,000
people live there.
And it's also not the capital where records would be held.
That was a place called Kóngssteinn or Kingstone named for the diamond mines.
That's a bit further north but that place was abandoned hurriedly some decades ago and
most people moved to Hjálpmakaar or just left the region entirely.
Looking at the map I see there's a post office.
We can go ask there, he got mail recently.
Yeah, that's a good idea.
This seems wise.
Well done, well done, Clockwork.
Thank you.
I go over to Yomi and I give him the traditional kiss.
This will not be necessary, I do not require nourishment.
I do not require nourishment.
Entirely necessary.
Are you kissing with your rune-encrusted tongue?
No, I'll be kissing with slot 2, which has my wetter tongue.
We want to be careful not to slot shame.
Yes.
Alright, so the post office.
Post office are in this era of imperial decay, not in much use.
The odd freighter or cargo ship does sail with icebreakers through the Dumshaf or in
the local sea that leads up to this former archipelago.
Not many missives are sent anymore after the war.
So the post office is all but abandoned and just has an old, old man sitting in what looks
like a kind of rocking chair and he's half asleep.
He's clearly seen many things, perhaps a veteran of the war because his right arm is entirely
missing.
I shall speak to him.
I shall use small words and collect the information we require.
That, that?
Oh, what is it?
We are Luffy.
You make that much of a noise.
We, excuse silence please.
Go on, use your small words.
We are looking for the meatbag that is dying.
Where is he?
I've woken up and was f**ked by a tree.
This one is broken.
Someone else speak to him.
I, I, let's huddle up for a second guys.
You're very touchy for a clock.
Does that involve probing?
Not yet.
So this guy's f**king crazy.
He's out the door soon.
What if we take him to the cliff too?
Get more, we get more money from the first robot.
Two for one.
That's a logical sound.
Very efficient.
We could round up all the people who appeared near death.
And drive them to the sea.
You guys are missing a real lack of humanity man.
Like let me talk to this guy.
This is a guy right?
This is just a fella.
Human fella.
Yes, one of one of yours.
Smells very bad.
Guys, come on now.
Not like a tree at all.
This nice fella right here.
He's gonna help us out.
Excuse me sir.
Can I, look, don't look at these guys.
Don't look at them alright.
They're freaky.
Guys, stand over to the side please.
You're freaking them out.
I thought me on my way to Valhalla and had seen the spirits.
The very Valkyries come to take my soul.
I mean, it's not wrong.
Wow, I mean, well yeah that's true actually.
People might be taking your soul.
It's possible from what I hear.
Is that true Aer?
Is it, cause you're right that's kinda what happened.
Oh it's, oh yes.
Yeah so.
You think the afterlife's gonna be the end of it but no.
There's more.
And so what was, what was, what's, what's, lo-mi, lo-mi.
Lo-mi man.
Yes.
What you wanna ask him?
We want to know where the meat bag who is dying, where is he?
I believe that was the question we needed.
Where is he?
The meat, the meat bags live I think inside.
He's talking about a fella.
The one we're looking for.
The names, I don't know.
Is it Brandon, Brandon Buford?
No no, Brandon Brandenson.
Bjorn, Bjornson?
Bjornson?
Bjorn, Bjorn, Bjornison.
You could just, you could just call him Bernie or Bjarne.
Bernie, Bernie, Bernison.
The meat bag, yes.
Brando.
The meat bag.
Where is he?
Where, where?
Okay, alright.
He.
The trapper?
He's a trapper?
He'll be in one of the old trapper cabins?
Which one?
How many are there?
There's not more than half a dozen.
Trapper cabins are kind of ramshackle structures built of driftwood, which itinerant trappers
and hunters have kind of cobbled together.
It's not like one of the more colorful aluminium siding houses.
It's, it really is the equivalent of a shack.
They're all on the outskirts of town because the trappers are a miserable bunch, keeping
themselves themselves.
I am going there now.
Okay.
This tree's got an attitude, man.
Who's with me?
Yep.
Okay, so it's, you crunch across some of the gravel streets, kicking away the odd hungry
dog that starts to tail you.
One of them presumably cocks a leg on our alfalfa friend here just to provide that watering.
This is why I do not need sustenance.
A gift from the Evergreen.
Thank you.
You drink your own.
You may all praise me.
I'll praise the urine soaked.
You find your way to, like I said, these trapper cabins, this one in particular has an open
door that looks like it's been propped open.
It has a small single window with makeshift bars and shutters and the massive logs that
are propped up against them so as to stop any wandering bears squeezing between the
trunks or managing to squeeze in an inquisitive snout or paw.
And you can almost smell the smoke that you can see issuing forth.
Every decent trapper cabin has a pot bellied stove inside which serves as heater, dryer
and cooker.
I'd like to roll into the door as hard as I can see if I can break through.
Could knock.
Yeah, I'll look.
I shall speak to the dying in small words so he can understand.
Why don't we knock?
Hello, dying.
Oh, God, what did he just do?
Did he just, did he just?
He just started shouting at the cabin.
He started shouting at the cabin.
Is there, do I detect any heat signature inside?
You do using your thermal vision.
There's a trait that a bunch of you share.
I think Proud Halif is the only one who doesn't have some kind of otherworldly technological
sight.
Yes, you can see an individual slumped over a item of furniture.
Please send our human friend to go knock on the door so that, so as to not startle the
...
Exactly.
Is that all right with you Legsko?
Yeah, oh yeah.
Dying one, come out, you must die.
Okay, all right, I'm going.
All right, so I go up, I got my gun, I got it locked and loaded.
All right, I'm going to knock on the door.
Okay.
There is a gruff voice that comes out asking who's there, a kind of whiskey growl.
And you see stuck through that window, I told you that with the bars, you see a granite
jawed old man wearing furs.
His well-thumbed, well-picked nose has still got a finger up it as he sneers out at you
and says, what is it?
Can I not be left to my own devices in these last few hours I have left?
This might be him.
Come with us, it's time to die.
Someone put some tape on this tree's butt.
Oh man, all right, so I got to whisper over to the guys here.
I don't understand the holdup, what's the holdup?
Our mission is very straightforward, I don't understand.
Why do you all talk so much?
We're trying to gain his cooperation to make it easier for everyone.
It's easiest for us if we can convince him to walk off the cliff himself.
Yes, yes.
This all seems very overly complicated.
He suddenly looks very wide-eyed as he takes the measure of your whole posse and says,
what is this?
Have I died and found the high hall of hell?
Loki's child has summoned me too soon, a procession of the dead to see me to my doom.
Oh, he's got it down.
He actually knows exactly what's going on.
He actually just said exactly.
That is in fact who we are.
So come along, time to die.
And what is this?
He says, pointing at Eir the dökkálfar.
An abomination, don't worry.
If he's not a warlock, then he's certainly Hell's Pimp.
Hell?
Hell's Pimp?
Wait.
He's got a tongue on him.
My god, that explains the cool hat.
Hell's Pimp, that's kind of cool.
Yeah, I don't mind it.
I kind of dig that.
I think that's your new nickname.
Come with me, dying meat bag, let's go.
Time to finish this up.
You have a responsibility, let's go.
That's true, right?
Like, I mean, Mr. Meat Bag, sir.
I mean, look, I'm a fellow meat bag, and we all got a responsibility not to have the...
Pardon me and fuck yourself, you sniveling snot rag.
I'm not going anywhere with the spawn of Hell.
Tell him I'll carry him.
Oh.
What if you're carried?
Yeah.
Speak to him in small words, it seems to help.
Wait a minute, which one of us was the spawn of Hell?
I don't think any of us are from Hell.
You are.
You black-hearted fiend.
I had enough of your kind when I was in Kóngssteinn, when the merc riders came from beyond the
ground and ripped my brethren apart.
Oh.
I'll not be going anywhere with any of your dangerous kind.
This is where he peeked.
So he's a...
You're out.
Yeah.
So he's fell...
Are you a fellow vet, sir?
Have you done time?
Served in the...
In his former capacity.
I earned my place on the stairway to Valhalla.
That's right.
I had fun to go there.
So what's your quip?
What's your problem?
You don't want to die?
You're not afraid of it, are you?
I'll die standing on my feet, not escorted by an abominable stickman, a saucebot, and
a devil priest.
I have an unrelated question.
Where is the cliff where the people who are dying go?
The attestoop?
The troll's tongue?
Why, day and a half's wait.
Would you show me?
I'd be ever, ever so grateful.
You think I'm falling for that trick, you child of a long dead sow?
You're falling for something.
Off a Cliff.
I say we kill him now, put him on the clockwork, and...
We can't kill him.
We can't kill him now.
That's the whole point.
I'd like to remind you, you do have Happy Death Day merchandise at your disposal.
Oh, oh, oh.
I need to sign it.
Okay, what are we writing, guys?
What are we writing in the car?
Okay, to Bernie, congratulations on a life well lived, but it's over now.
Enjoy the trip.
Signed.
Okay, hand it off to whoever's next.
I'll take it next.
And I drizzle some sap on it in an ancient ruin that signifies my presence, my intelligence,
and my gift to reality.
I pass it on.
It looks like a deck.
I write, amen, really great job in the war, you lived a great life, hags.
Hags.
Yeah, have a great summer.
And did you get any balloons as well?
I think we just picked up the card.
It was just, but it's a nice card, right?
We got one of the nice ones.
Can I sign it?
Oh, no.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, please, please.
Yeah, you're by the door, you gotta slip it under.
I believe it's embossed.
So I'm just gonna put my, I had this one pubic hair that was passed down, and so for my father.
So I put it in because it just means a lot.
That's the kind of classic Viking lineage that you're talking about.
And that's just proof.
That's honor and justice and all of the things that you want to teach your children.
Yeah, respecting your ancestors.
You're giving him pubic hair, you must really respect him.
They do.
Truth, justice in the Norsican way.
Can I get the card back for one second?
Yeah.
I just want to, I kiss it and leave a lipstick stain and then give it back.
Okay.
I'll get the side of the pew.
Okay.
They warned me, the other Álfar warned me that the world would not be as I knew it if
I left the grove.
I wish I had listened.
Yeah.
You didn't expect it to make sense, did you?
And so you're sliding this card under the door.
Yeah, there it goes.
Did we say a few words or something, maybe there's a song or...
I have a question for Eir.
You like killing things, right?
I did.
I just think, I just think we could speed this whole thing right up.
Right.
But the point of the exercise is for him to not die in the town limits.
Well, remember that part?
Yes, but if the body isn't here at the end of it all, who's to know the details in between?
That's all I'm saying.
But we can't eat, so how do we get rid of the body?
I have things I've got to go do.
Okay.
No, we take it to the cliff and we throw it off and it's very simple and everything's
checked off and everybody's happy and the probie clockwork is happy and you're happy
and I'm happy and I get to go find the winter wise.
I get my letter of recommendation.
I don't have to see you people again.
It seems just the perfect solution.
Can I assume from the direction I'm headed that you may well be thinking about intimidating
this man into going or are you appealing to reason his sense of law abiding this to avoid
the death law?
What's your approach?
First and foremost, does he like the card?
Yeah.
I'm mostly misunderstanding the situation.
Does he have to be conscious when he gets to the cliff?
Maybe an angle there.
I tell you what, you can make a wits change roll if you wish.
Oh my God.
And I make the first roll?
Woo!
And that will give you your indication of whether that was legal or not.
Okay, so that's a die 20 plus my wits modifier.
Is that correct?
And what's the target?
And you want to get above 10.
I'll give you a wheel on that, which means you can roll a die six and add it to that
because I'm feeling generous that you don't make a misstep so early on in the campaign.
That's fair.
Well, you're fighting a losing battle there.
One of the reasons we call it the thought and memory campaign is that not to give the
characters a second thought because they won't be long in your memory.
Editorial aside, I just feel that if we're expected to learn as we go, there could be
a significant problem.
Just stop.
And back into character.
Yeah, first roll of the campaign adds up to 20.
Very good.
Well, you surmise from what you know of the long and storied culture of the Norse Empire
of which you were part up until about 700 years ago that it would be intensely dishonorable
for you to not treat this gentleman with the his valor and his what he's contributed to
society means that you really ought to send him off in the best way possible with some
ceremony, with some speeches, with some race.
Right.
So we need to convince him.
Did you roll the dice, Steve?
I did.
I didn't see it.
Oh, I'm sorry.
I just rolled it on my tabletop.
I forgot what it is.
I forgot.
Yeah, I've never trusted your kind.
OK, anyway, carry on.
The first roll was a natural 20.
No, no, no.
Dirty 20.
That no one saw.
I expected nothing less of a moment.
However, the card, it elicits a furious yell that reverberates around the timber construction.
And you hear the man he bursts out wearing his trapper furs, his his granite jaw jutting
out and again, just growling at you.
And he says, with this fucking sword, I'll cleave your lying maggot mouths from your
swine head.
I don't think you're ready to go then.
Is he attacking us?
He's not.
But I will allow Mr. Hopkins to make an intimidate role based upon his sneering down the length
of his long arboreal nose.
OK.
What am I doing that against?
Which it will be an attack role, a social attack role.
And I think that you will use your wits.
OK.
So I have my wits are 11, so I get a plus one.
Can I help in any way to help modify, improve his role?
Because he's going to need it.
I will allow you to lean in menacingly.
I do so.
You are, after all, spirits representing the other world.
I mean, would I be able to have my gun locked and loaded?
Can I just aim it at him as well?
Sure.
OK.
Mean proof.
So I'll roll a 1d20 and we're going to add things to it, I guess.
Oh boy.
I rolled a six.
So with money add, that's a seven.
OK.
Now roll three dice sixes wheels and choose the highest of those three dice sixes to add
to your seven.
Keep us alive.
OK so there is a six there.
So that gets us to 13.
OK, you're obviously a band of misfits is suitably intimidating, especially when they
are backed up with a rifle.
But it's not every day that demons of death do turn up to lead you to your trip to the
afterlife.
So Biani, his shoulders slump down.
He drops the card and with resignation, he says, ah, tell this milk dribbling fucks me.
I'm ready to go.
Oh my God.
I roll over and I say, sit on me.
I will be your chariot to the afterlife.
How noble, how graceful.
You have offered yourself as a steed to mount.
And?
Do I got a roll?
No, no, no.
He is so dumbfounded by the offer.
And bear in mind, there are these there are contraptions called Skidiverg, which are all
around town.
They are effectively skidoos.
They are AI assisted, skidoos, and you know, you broadly look like you could be one of
them.
You've got you've got tracks as opposed to runners.
But he slumps on top of you and almost collapses into a weary coma.
He clearly is quite ill.
And you can feel that this veteran of many campaigns is is rasping and coughing and there's
a kind of light spray of blood that comes out when he sputters onto your seat.
Let's I'd like to propose that as we take him towards the cliff of throwing that we
move with a sense of gravitas and dignity that are appropriate for his final day.
Great.
Well done.
Useless companions.
100 percent.
But I just want to say before we do that, I'm going to have to check out what's in the
house and just anything that, you know, food and just valuables, anything.
Yeah, it is.
It is very spartan.
Right.
There are some traps.
There's a there's a few extra rounds of ammunition for your rifle that you have.
But really, the last meal of what's effectively this condemned man was the open tin of beans
that was cooking on the on the stove.
I mentioned.
OK, be sure not to take anything that doesn't belong to you.
We do not want to offend.
Yeah, of course not.
Although, you know, hot meal.
Yeah, yeah.
That's the thing.
Right.
Like I don't think anything really belongs to anybody.
Right.
I think that's a construct.
So I think I'm just going to take this is beans and I'm going to take a trap.
Well, why don't we go on ahead?
You know, once so that he doesn't see you rifling through his former home.
I think he's passed out.
Oh, he's he's passed out.
He slumped over me and he's on to my face.
Let's see.
We should keep moving.
You know, you beings have so many things to say that are of no consequence.
I got this stuff.
Let's get out of here.
So you're headed towards the attitude patrols tongue.
Right.
Yeah.
Again, just to set the scene, this is Tundra in the middle of the polar summer.
So the ground is boggy and it makes sucking noises at your boots.
You're going to take the coastal path, which is penned by all of these muscular mountains.
The charcoal flanks painted with the winter snow still.
And again, above you, the sun pirouettes across the heavens producing this 24 hours petrol
daylight.
Perfect for the walruses that lays around the shore.
And you're fairly familiar since the attitude does involve people jumping several hundred
feet into the sea that the coastal path is the right way to go.
Now beyond it himself, despite his age, illness and general reluctance, he is skilled outdoorsman.
As you begin to walk, he perked up a little bit, perhaps enjoying the last few glimpses
of his homeland.
Is there a, do I remember like some sort of a fourth, well, I guess a 14th century version
of a speech or some little bit of ritual, something to say or something, I don't know,
something to sing or recite or whatever that would be appropriate for to see off a former
warrior like this as he trucks himself or is chucked.
You might want to reverberate with something like the harping of Gunnar, an ancient ballad
from your era.
I will, yeah, as he looks like he's getting ready to take the leap, yeah, I will start
to recite or whatever the case may be.
Hopefully I remember.
He chimes up.
It's rugged country, eh?
Beautiful in its bleakness.
One of the things I thought was if the old gods went to live anywhere, this is where
they went.
But mark my words, if you sing a baleful tune like that, the isp beyond will be upon you
within seconds.
Tell me of the bears.
I would know of the bears.
Tell me now of the bears.
If you want to know, then I'll tell you.
First time I came out here, it happened.
Very first light.
Ice bear comes cruising by, a big one, a real bruiser.
Sometimes you see the isp beyond looks right at you, right into your eyes.
And the thing about an ice bear is he's got fiendish eyes, hungry eyes.
And then it came right down on top of my tent.
Just bam!
You wouldn't have believed it.
By Thor, he's got his head in his jaws.
And he ripped me out through the side of the tent like a cork out of a champagne bottle.
Boom!
And he just starts running.
He had me by my head running and I was getting dragged along.
And the breath, the breath.
You could not believe the smell of that best breath.
I could feel the bones cracking in my neck and my skull.
And look!
And he pulls back his hood and he says, I still bear the scars today.
One of my retractable appendages comes out for a high five at the pond.
So you like the animals then?
This is what you're telling me?
I would not muck if I were you, lest the norms have crossed our paths for a reason.
Has anyone ever raced these guys like a pack of dogs?
Race the ispion?
The ispion chariots.
That's what they call it.
Only the most famed and fabled of sportsmen can bind the ispion to a sled and have them
drive it onwards.
We would like one of those.
It would make our journeys quicker.
I want to see this.
Yeah, that sounds pretty awesome.
You alfar would bind the sacred bear?
What manner of a priest are you that turns so against nature?
That's shameful.
Ah.
What, me?
No, no, no.
You would never dream of binding the sacred bear.
So sorry, by the way, about your sack of shit world tree.
Oh, wow.
You question my service to the tree, my service to the natural world, and you say such things?
Is it not time for you to go?
Perhaps it may be.
And he looks up at the sky and draws your attention to the bright brilliance of the
polar day.
But you also notice above you that there is a luminous red cross that is shimmering and
rippling across the sky, almost mesmerically.
And Beyondard says, clap now, you fools, clap, clap.
The biggest mistake you can make with the Northern Lights is to wave or sing or whistle
at them.
Tell them you are here and the spirits of the lights will come and slice off your head.
But clap your hands and you'll be safe.
The only reason to whistle is to encourage them to come closer, to give them messages
to take to the dead.
Although perhaps you already know that since you are spirits from beyond.
Have I ever heard of this clapping at the Northern Lights thing?
It's clearly superstitious, but most Northerners do believe that the Northern Lights are either
the kind of shimmering reflection of Valkyrie's armour or Odin sending a message.
There are some scientists who know exactly what they are in terms of charged particles
raining through the atmosphere, but most ordinary people would believe something a bit more
spiritual.
Is he clapping really loud?
He is clapping really loudly and he's insisting that you all do that as well.
I will also clap.
I will clap along with him.
Almost as loud.
I don't have arms, I believe, so I'm blinking really fast.
I'm a bit of a jazzy guy, so I snap.
Jazz hands.
Very well.
Bjarni says, what precautions have you made for when we make camp this evening?
Have you brought wire?
Have you brought flares?
Where would you set up camp?
I had believed we would simply continue.
I am still full of energy.
Is there a problem?
I don't think so.
He's riding the skadooch, right?
I'm good to keep going.
I'm feeling good.
I had a Red Bull a couple of hours ago.
You wake the tin of things that people eat.
I understand these things.
So can we just keep moving, Oldman?
If he wants to rest, that's fine.
You should go sleep away.
Sit on the droid and quietly drool.
Drool away.
Very well.
He's quite content to just ride on the tractor vehicle while the rest of you trudge through
the boggy tundra and make your way along the coastline.
He was perhaps hoping to impart more wisdom, but the motion of riding on the back of the
iceberg is most soothing to this ailing man.
As a recreational model, can I do anything to help him relax?
Oh no.
You got jacuzzi mode?
Did you say he's got a jacuzzi?
A built-in jacuzzi.
Yeah, he's got jacuzzi mode.
Yeah.
Well, you need to become a vibrating bed, basically.
You might be able to squirt some bubbles, but...
Bubble party.
I don't know if you can hear me.
That must be slot six, then.
There's an expansion port, I think.
So it sounded like maybe there was more wisdom to be had.
Maybe he was going to impart some more...
Yeah.
...rudes on us.
But he might not last if we make camp, you know what I mean?
Rhymes of the essence.
So we've got to kind of...maybe we'll let him drool a bit, then in a little bit we'll
wake him up and we'll say, hey man, you got anything else to say before you kick it?
What wisdom would you impart to spirits?
He says, I can't believe I'm riding a chariot.
Worm food for worm food.
And you recall that in Norse myth, the Dvirga were born out of the body of a primordial
god, Ymir, and the Dvirga were maggots that reaved in his body.
And so he's using a kind of common pejorative for Dvirg by calling you worm food.
That's no way to address your chariot.
Yeah, are you okay?
It looks kind of hurtful.
You get the impression that he's a man of the wild, perhaps he would be a redneck in
our universe.
And he's not full of airs and graces.
He's a little bit racist.
That's just a little bit, right?
Just a little.
I purposely, next when we see a rougher patch of ice on the trail, I weave off into it
and make it really bumpy to kind of get back at him.
At least you're not petty.
That is the wrong way.
You're going off the path for no reason.
And now up ahead, you can see a cresting hill with all kinds of scaffolding around it, the
construction that litters around a mine shaft.
As you approach, you can see a huge water pump outside.
And as you come within earshot and hear the chugging of this thing sucking out the what
presumably is melt water from the mine shaft, you see that it starts to clog and chokes
to a halt.
And so almost serendipitously, the water pump has ceased working as you pass by.
There is no signs of life if there is anything.
It's inside the mine shaft itself.
But the honored is coughing up a lung and says, welcome, we've got a date with destiny.
Move along.
How far from the coast are we?
If we keep moving at this speed, a couple hours, half a day?
Yeah, you know, you've probably been meandering for a couple of hours that the mines aren't
too far from town because the miners have to get there.
So you're probably a quarter of your way all the way to the atmosphere itself.
So OK, so we're coming up.
We're coming up here to a mine, right?
Yeah, coming up to a mine, mine in the hill, hillside.
The water pump that takes the extracts the water, the melt water that's running off the
tundra and going into the mine shaft that has ceased to operate as you passed.
Any anything to identify the like identify the mine or ownership thereof or any signs
that there might be anyone in it doing work?
The only sign that anything is going on you can hear is the kind of distant echo of mining
song sung in double to work.
So you don't necessarily know what it means, but let's go.
You know that it sounds like hi-ho hi-ho.
Hi-ho, yeah.
Very good.
And you also see a second sign, just the numeral seven.
Seven, OK.
Is that double Dverg for something?
Nope, nope.
It's the mines are presumably owned by anyone other than the Dverg.
The Dverg tend to be thralls or servitors in the service of humanity and do all of the
dirty jobs.
We won't speculate on what dirty jobs you've been up to.
Well isn't it a job if you love it though?
Yeah it's a vocation.
A hobby.
Does any of us know anything about machinery?
Like I know a little bit about machines, but very fine machines, not great big pumps.
Is there anything around that seems like we could communicate with the people down below?
The Dverg in the mine?
Communicate with them?
Yeah.
It's well known that like matches likes and the clockwork to look at the clockwork.
So yes it is a mine shaft.
You would have to enter the mine shaft and kind of go, hello?
OK so I dump, I dump, burn it off.
You dump, you dump, Johnny.
There is an awful sickening sun.
Oh dear.
And then I go to the mine shaft.
Dude what's with the dump?
I yell and double the Dverg.
Which of course means, can anyone help me carry to the sky so we can go a little faster?
I'll carry Bernie for now.
Yeah you're strong.
He's being conveyed by the spirits though.
I mean I think it's good.
I think it would be quite an honor for him.
He may think otherwise.
He probably thinks otherwise.
No one has any kind of mining background or industrial background or anything that's practically
useful in this kind of environment.
I have studied medicine.
I have worked as a reef for clerical functions back in the grove.
Unfortunately there are no herbs or herbs in this environment.
And I am an expert at military analysis.
I've dabbled as a gunsmith in the past but that's very fine work compared to a bloody
great pump.
He continues to puff himself up the creature.
No Norse plumbers then?
When you rolled up your characters you didn't go for plumbing?
Strangely.
I wish at a minimum yell down that their pump is broken.
You yell down and I think...
I'm throwing it out as an option if someone has a better one.
It's a good idea for an abomination.
Ok so why don't we...
Well then I guess Lomi's gonna have to say it right?
If you speak whatever it is they're saying.
Hey fellas, your pump is broken.
Do you have a torch or something?
It's probably ice.
I mean frozen wasteland.
Hello!
You have come to our assistance as is very kind of you brother.
Oh traditional kiss perhaps?
Oh we would love a traditional kiss.
Can we possibly engage in a hug and a mutual exchange of data?
Yeah, let's do it.
Oh it is very intoxicating to meet you.
What model are you?
I am a build by Sterkers Systems.
My name is Wet Clit and this is my buddy the Bitcraft.
Oh, Wet Clit and Bitcraft.
Yes that is our names.
They are not very funny.
Of course not.
And what has happened we have clogged and choked the pump.
We must alleviate the pumping.
This is a pump station.
What's with more pumping?
Where's the water coming from?
It is coming from the glacier.
The melt water penetrates through the rocks.
It is very penetrating.
If I could blush.
So, so are you going to fix this pump?
Is this pump?
Yes, it is great that you warned us that we were fixing the pump and now mine number seven
is safe and will be able to deliver its real value back to the Winterwise.
Oh Winterwise.
I would like to meet the Winterwise.
Yes, the Firefox Institute is the beneficiary of all of our activity here.
But I cannot say much more.
You must meet the Lector himself.
We must return to Web and we are extremely grateful for your prompt warning.
No problem, I love you.
I love you.
Wow.
How heartwarming.
Yeah.
Should we ask for a reward maybe for warning?
Hey, can we get something for helping you out?
You have my dying affection and love.
I'm satisfied.
Okay.
These two call on us again if you need any help.
We seven dwarves are very happy to assist.
If I was one of these dwarves I'd be slurpy.
Okay.
Possibly.
And I think, has anyone checked on the Beannis?
I'm still holding him.
You're holding him?
Oh thank God someone was holding him.
Can we just get out of here?
This is weird.
Has the mink bag expired yet?
Can we throw him somewhere?
We're still not out of the city limits.
Yeah.
Well, no, you're right on the outs.
Okay.
Because you've got a couple of hours walk out.
People don't want a mine right on their doorstep but like I said, it can't be too far away
because otherwise people couldn't get there.
So it would be a pain to commute even for a diver.
But people, so if people die in this area is that no good still because it's too close?
Close to the city?
Yeah generally speaking you need to chuck people off.
Anywhere where you leave Harkis's you attract unwanted attention.
Now let's keep going with the original.
I know fellows we have only spent a few hours together but I have an observation to share.
Oh yeah.
And in all honesty I feel that as a group you are entirely tiresome.
Can we please keep moving?
Yeah let's go.
Ever onward.
All right.
The walk is tiresome.
Here isn't it?
Bjarne is feverish and occasionally he does look in the direction of air and say, Devil
priest, devil priest, your people ruined my life.
The diamonds, the diamonds.
What about these diamonds?
Who is the devil?
He's not conscious enough to encompass mentors enough to engage in conversation.
He's just obviously triggered by your black visage etched with copper as it is.
Golden of gold.
I will return him to his chariot if the chariot's willing.
Yeah well I realized my profession is in trade and I was a wagoneer.
So it's all a part for the course.
People ride.
Is wagoneering like twerking?
It's a euphemism.
More so yeah people do be riding me.
It's all about shaking the caboose.
How many can you fit on that old thing?
Depends on if slot seven's operating or not.
That one's fussy.
Okay.
Let me know if I can take her for a ride.
Let me just get a ride somewhere.
Now I'm going to ask you all now for an awareness roll because in the midst of your discussions
about the vagaries of wagoneering there is something you might notice.
You have awareness as it starts.
You're going to roll a challenge roll.
You're going to aim for ten or more.
You have a modifier against your awareness which should be somewhere between zero and
three I imagine.
And let me know what you get.
I rolled a natural 20 and a plus one.
Mine adds up to ten.
As one you all crank and crane your necks noticing on the bluff of the hill a stalking
ispion prowling at long range.
I'm also going to ask you for a wits challenge roll.
Okay.
I'm sure one of you will make the astute observation that comes from this.
13.
I got a 13 when I added the first one.
Yep.
Same with me.
Okay.
Then I'm going to reveal to you that it's clear that the bear has followed you from
the direction of town from Hapmaca.
It looks perhaps like it has trailed or tracked you, followed your various odors, but it's
come from the direction of town.
And you also notice that the bear has a broken harness.
So while it took some skill to spot that, it doesn't take any skill to realize that
the bear is emaciated and probably quite hungry.
Yes, it would be disrespectful if we didn't throw the entire burning off the cliff.
I think the horse gelder told us a story earlier that might be helpful here.
Wait, we cut his balls?
We cut his nuts and feed them to the bear as a trove.
He had two birds with two stones.
Hey!
What?
I'm so sorry.
We can't do that, right?
We can't do that to him.
No.
Wouldn't be right.
No, wouldn't be right.
So maybe we should, can we just, well, here's a question.
How fast does little Moto go here?
Oh, I have an answer to that.
Yeah, legs go how fast we move him.
My speed is eight.
Yeah, the challenge with Dverg is whilst, you know, again, they're not dwarves, they
don't have stumpy legs.
You know, spiritually, they have stumpy legs and they go only four fifths the speed of
most other origins.
Yeah, my speed.
He's not going fast.
He's kind of, I don't know what appropriate cars you have in North America where you have
the kind of Czech Skoda, something like that.
It's kind of, it kind of.
You go.
He's not speeding.
Like a Segway.
Yeah, like a Segway.
Yeah.
Older model.
Yeah.
Remember you were lovingly put together back by enthusiasts, weren't you?
So you're not even off the factory line.
You're just, you're like a model version of a Segway.
He's a homebrew.
So we can't really fight this thing, right?
I mean, he's still far off.
He's still far off.
Why don't we?
We shouldn't hurt him at an impressive speed.
It is like an oncoming storm.
Where's the mine is the mine close by?
Oh, it's cutting you off from the mine and you'd you'd gone.
You'd gone past that.
Oh, we got way past.
This beast is about one and a half times taller than even your barely human relief there and
over five times heavier when it stands on its hind legs.
It is over 10 feet tall, three meters tall towering above you.
A prior warning shot.
What food do we have feed it?
It's a pet.
Clearly it belongs to someone.
It has a harness.
It has a harness, you said?
That's what we noticed.
We noticed the harness.
Meatbags have such short attention.
I maybe save the warning shot unless it becomes aggressive and gets too close.
All right.
It's barely in the words, but all right.
I say he'll he'll try and tame it.
He'll feel had some bread.
Oh my God.
What?
And he picked up your sentence following you down, followed you down to the sea.
It is moving beans.
I got beans.
It is actively crushingly quick.
Really?
For its kill.
Yeah, it is down.
It is pinned back.
I threw the bread and guys, we got to run.
You threw the bread.
I'm sorry.
This is when the wolf comes a game of heroic Viking.
I know you just threw some bread.
Is that what they taught you in the army meat bag?
I threw the bread and I was like.
And we started getting out of here.
So it's a carnivore and one of us is made of meat.
No, two.
We still have B.R.N.E.
B.R.N.E.
However, this beast is right.
Within the rules, you must all make a will check.
So let's go sequentially because this is an important one.
So we will start with Bill.
Give me a will check.
I got a minus one.
So I rolled a 10.
So I got a nine.
Which means that you are unfortunately quivering in your, not in your boots, but in your boots.
In my boots.
Well, that's very nice.
Word play.
Word play a perilous moment.
And my bark is worse than my bite.
So anything that you do following, you are going to do with rewos attached to the dice
that will go sequentially around the same order as we were doing the intros.
So Steve, would you please make the will.
Will safe.
Okay.
I'm.
Okay.
Oh, five.
Wow.
I chose a poor color of dice.
So the spirits of ancient warriors entombed in their new bodies are both entirely useless.
Obviously, obviously the specter of death came to you once and you didn't hear done
this.
Yeah.
Been here done this.
Okay.
And the Wagoneer.
Oh my god.
I don't have, it's a plus zero for me.
How heroic we are.
So the non human contingent, the non human contingent are not doing much.
And so Jason, it's down to you and her leaf.
To be fair, the robot is a lover, not a fighter.
True.
I rolled a seven.
Good.
So as this monstrous beast roars towards you, flailing paws and snarling spittle as it barrels
down, you can almost feel the fishy breath as it picks up speed.
All of you managed to effectively or proverbially piss your vows.
Ragnar Lothbrok, hairy breaches would be proud.
You can just all rechristen yourself busy breaches.
Now we will be entering combat shortly.
So combat involves you deciding whether you want to take a fast turn or a slow turn.
If you take a fast turn, you can either move or take an action slow turn.
You can do both.
So it rather depends on what the enemy is doing as the sequence of events, but you should
perhaps confer amongst yourselves as to what the appropriate thing to do.
The army is bolt upright and fumbling around his body like patting himself down and going,
God's man, where are the flares?
Yeah, we were underprepared here.
You didn't say anything about flares.
No one said anything.
Little question, sorry Ian, and maybe not the right moment, but I'm confused about the
difference between a prepared move and a triggered move.
If this isn't the right moment to explain it, we'll stay there.
They're pretty much the same.
So were you to take the prepared action, then when the trigger occurs, so for example, you'd
say I'm preparing to if the Ispyon comes within range to whack it with my staff, then that's
the prepare.
The trigger is entering your range, your reach, and then you would be able to perform the
action, the triggered action, hit it with your staff or at least attempt to.
All right, thank you.
Can we tell who it's heading for particularly or is it just charging at the whole group?
It's not like you formed ranks, but you are all idling and panicking in the same general
vicinity, so you can push someone ahead of you if you want them to take the brunt of
the beast range.
You can cower behind someone.
It's entirely up to you.
That's not necessarily where I was going.
I propose a volley of warning shots.
Yeah, I mean, I got the gun red-locked and loaded, so you guys cool if I pop off?
I should do it.
I'm popping.
What's that?
No, go for it.
I'm popping right now.
Okay.
So you're going to take a fast turn and you're going to use your action to take a fire warning
shot.
So that's scary.
Yeah. Okay, so I'm going to ask you to roll your B-20.
I'm going to ask you to roll three dice six.
If I may.
Sure.
I also have a firearm and I'm thinking if I also...
You did a fast action to pull out my revolver and fire warning shot at the same time.
I'm hoping it would have more of a dramatic effect and increase the effectiveness of the
experience as a whole, so I don't know if that counts as an assistant sort of thing
or a separate activity.
Yeah, it would be a separate activity because you're not actually directly helping.
Okay.
So you're going to fire that shot.
I want to dice 20 with three woes because you can see the creature and you are right
in the middle.
Okay.
So both of us the same thing then?
Yes, please.
And presumably you're shooting wide anyway.
I just want to know if you roll terribly then something...
Between the eyes.
Warning shot to the spine.
So one D20, right?
Correct.
With the dice sixes you're going to take the highest value and deduct it from the B-20.
Using a firearm is slight, isn't it?
Correct.
Five.
Five total.
Well, it's not a zero, so it's not bad.
You are aiming to miss and what did Halif do?
I did, sir, what did I say?
I did one D20 plus three D6s of 13.
Minus two.
Okay.
Or plus whatever your slight modifier is.
So fire high and wide and the report of the shots echoes out across the tundra, the bear
barely bats an eyelid as it continues with the scent of blood, which presumably poor
Biani is coughing up.
He acts as a intoxicating, alluring prey, so he is headed straight towards you like a
steaming super tree.
Okay.
So those were fast turns.
Are you taking fast turns, Bill?
Well, here's what I want to try and do.
I need a GM ruling, of course.
So I have an ability called Guardian Tree.
I can use a triggered action to protect at plus one woe.
So I'm wondering, can I set myself ready to try and protect whoever the bear goes for?
If that person is either your De Verkrend or Biani, then yes.
But the two people that fired will have kind of moved out of range and taken their aim
and won't be quite within reach.
Okay, I think I'll do that.
Okay, so you're preparing to protect.
And Ed, what have you got going on for Lexco?
Lexco?
Lexco, perhaps you should let's go at this point.
Yeah, that's what I think.
So I turn around and I start toting away from the bear.
Lexco crazy.
In doing so, you obviously remove yourself from the protection.
I dump.
Should I dump?
Dump a second time in five minutes.
He's a sex bot.
He's not a hero.
I love the fuck off.
All right.
You're in full flight.
Yeah.
Your stress reaction fight or flight was bugger off.
Yeah.
Vigorously.
Very, very, very brave.
All right.
Huffing and snarling beast almost erupts from the tundra, swinging its mighty paws towards
the leaf.
The blow crushes down.
And you have taken a rather modest 20 damage as it effectively rips your head from your
shoulders, tumbles and your body collapses to the floor, spewing a geyser of blood where
your last stand once was.
Technical question.
I have Yggdrasil's gift, which gives me a 20 plus roll on stabilized heels, which allows
him to heal.
Can I stabilize?
It's only a flesh wound.
His head's just.
Stabilize.
I need to stabilize.
Well, this is a dramatic development.
The rules for instant death are as if you from one source, you take all of that damage,
and then as especially as a level one character, there's no level zero character.
There's no getting up from that.
So, Halif the horse, Gelda has been bear baited.
Halif, we hardly knew you.
Oh.
Rolled his last horse.
Good Lord.
What a Halif.
Oh, OK.
Well, wait a minute.
We still got a bear.
What are we going to do?
OK, well.
Actually, the problem is, the problem, I think, is on the
verge of solving itself.
That was indeed round one.
We will now move on to round two, where everyone apart from poor, benighted Jason can have
another turn.
Jason, you can watch your life ebb and flow and perhaps take comfort from dying in battle.
And you can see this is after all the Vikings of Valkyries podcast.
You can see descending from Asgard, the winged, voluptuous Valkyrie come as the chooser of
this lane to pluck you from the battlefield and escort you into the arms of Odin.
Lucky bastard.
Yeah.
See you guys later on in Valhalla.
I've been wondering which part of the southern north he's from.
Don't ask questions.
You don't want answers to goodbye.
He might he might come back in an alpha or Dverga or a dark alpha body.
You know, this is all I love that.
Who knows what happens to the spirits of the land.
You have no time to mourn.
I'm actually because of the grisly nature of your comrades demise.
I'm all going to give you a trauma to add to your particular pickle.
Wonderful.
OK.
How do we do that?
Just add it to your sheet.
But that's also going to require another will roll to just to see quite quickly how you
descend into panic and shock.
OK, do we add one to the trauma number on the sheet?
You do.
OK.
All right.
OK, you said as we say farewell to Jason and the link, what are the rest of you doing with
your fast turns?
All right.
So abomination.
Yes.
That's devil priest to you.
The clockwork has run off.
Mm hmm. I will.
Excuse me.
That's a good Norse word, isn't it?
I propose running like mad and hoping that the bear is distracted by the now conveniently
available buffet.
Well, I believe we both run faster than the sex toy.
Yeah.
So that's all you have to do.
You just have to face the slowest member of the room.
But I got a head start, right?
So this is we got to do the math on this.
All right.
Yeah, no, I'm running.
I'm going to fortify myself and run, I guess.
So that would be a slow action because it's two things, right?
What's a fortify?
It's a thing I do.
I fortify my body to take half damage from all sources.
Everything made of stone has its benefits.
All right.
So everyone is running.
Obviously, poor Briana can't.
And so the bear looms over him, exploding with rage and fury.
It's drooling all over him.
The drool drips onto his chest.
And he looks over at the three of you running, trying to plow your way through the boggy
tundra.
And he calls out, you whimpering snart-nosed, cretinous cowards.
You're everything I despise.
You couldn't even kill me properly.
And that's the bear hounds him into the ground, ripping his spine from his body and sending
severed limbs in all directions.
I really want these three heads to fall off.
Well, we had that coming.
Okay.
So, um.
It's not giggling properly.
So result?
So he is dead.
Yeah.
We may not have fully fulfilled the don't get him eaten by a bear thing.
No, the bear is beginning to savage and maul both of the bodies of the humans who you were
escorting.
You know, you were leading a procession of the dead and it appears to have worked.
You know, you are very good in your role of psychopomps.
But you do now hear the kind of whirring and chugging of skeetiver that slide into view.
And you hear a huge bellowing voice yell out,
My Thor's roaring thunder Unhanded man Snow White
Stand down, step away, you brute, you beast.
Two more skeetiver, hove into view.
And you see a richly dressed towering man with receding black hair, towering about seven
foot tall, a Yofa by the name of Fimbogui Asbyssen.
And he stands there commanding the bear to release its prey.
The bear cowers and does so almost looking sheepish as it slinks back to its obvious
owner.
And that, gentlemen, is where we will leave our adventure for today.
The final image of three non-humans running off across the Tundra.
Those guys have impeccable timing on the skeetiver.
We need two more minutes.
The Vikings and Valkyries podcast is hammered together by a dedicated team of scouts and
Smiths.
Joining us this week was GM for hire Bill Hopkins.
You can find him on Start Playing using the stage name Magic Loody.
Also joining us was Jay, who has just released his first single Could Have with his band
Ober.
Find links to these works of myth and legend in the show notes.
In the meantime, please don't forget to like, share and sacrifice to the old gods.