Have you ever introduced yourself and felt like
your job title or your child's name came before
your own? Now that I'm leaving education and
my only daughter is heading to college, what
is my identity? Who am I now? This is exactly
what we're going to explore in today's episode.
When you strip away all the roles you play in
your life, who are you? And what do you value?
I'm hoping today you will see the crucial need
for us to have a clear, personal identity that
exists independently of being a parent, spouse,
or an employee. They're more than a role. And
when our identity is tied solely to the roles
we play, partner, parent, employee, we risk losing
ourselves when those roles shift or change. Kids
grow up, relationships evolve, jobs end. But
you remain. Having a strong personal identity
means you know who you are at your core beyond
what you do for others. I'm going to help you
identify your core values today and offer you
a free gift at the end of the episode to help
you dive deeper into today's lesson on identity.
Thank you for joining me for another episode
of Life Snacks Lesson Plan. I'm Rachel and I
started this podcast during my 29th and last
year as a high school teacher. The goal of my
work with Life's Next Lesson Plan, as well as
my Live and Learn Patreon, is to create a connection
where we are all teachers. We all have lessons
and stories to share that can help others. I'm
so fortunate to be able to extend the four walls
of my previous classroom to an unlimited audience
where we can all learn from each other. And my
guests are some of the most inspirational people
with the best stories and lessons I know, which
is why I want to share them with you. Their words
are something everyone should hear. It is my
hope that you are able to take away something
from each episode to apply to your own life,
whether that be a career search, path to a more
fulfilling life, or new ideas on current topics.
So let's start at the beginning of how losing
our core identity happens throughout our different
chapters in life. So first, society often defines
individuals through their roles, right? Like,
she's a great mom, he's a successful CEO. A lot
of times, that's how we are identified in, you
know, our full -time jobs or, you know, our relation
to others. So this becomes In different chapters
of our lives, of course, being a parent becomes
all -consuming. Having a demanding career can
very easily overshadow your personal identity.
So it's just... I guess important to acknowledge
when you're in those stages of life and those
are your priorities at the time that beneath
all of that and all of that is important of course
and that is providing you purpose that at any
moment that any of that changes who are you beneath
there. Obviously in my own situation, I'm heading
into two major life transitions at the same time.
Did not plan it that way. It's just the way that
it's going to happen. And I've been thinking
for years about it because obviously I knew my
only child was going to be turning 18 and going
to college. And I have for... multiple years,
been thinking about my next path outside of education.
I knew it was probably getting to be near the
time that I needed to do something else for my
sanity and patience and all of that overall well
-being. And so I had actually thought about it.
This all corresponded, of course, to with five
years ago, I got a divorce, you know, in 2020.
And so your identity shifts there as well. You're
now a single parent. And so through that healing
journey, I think It definitely forces you when
you're on your own and you're no longer in charge
necessarily of a full household. It's just you
and your child. And you're shifting to a full
-time parent, to a part -time parent. I think
at that point was the first time I started really
thinking about who am I and what do I enjoy,
right? Because you're so caught up in the everyday
of just kind of surviving through each day. I
cannot imagine how it works for parents of more
than one child. I just don't think I'm built
for that. But that was kind of the first time
where I think, again, double whammy of going
through a divorce during a pandemic where you're
suddenly very isolated and you are now single.
It's like... what do I like to do, right? So
at that point is when I really started realizing
like how many things that I enjoyed that I had
maybe put aside. And, you know, Then I started
thinking about, oh my gosh, well, this is really
what my life is going to look like in retirement
or in my empty nest stage. And so I probably
needed to start thinking about this anyway. So
the timing of it just worked out in that it sort
of forced me a little bit earlier than, you know,
right before my daughter's leaving for college
or right before I'm leaving my profession to
think about like, what do I enjoy do? if it's
just me. And as I've talked about in previous
episodes, it was also during that time where
I had claimed like, I'm never dating again. I
am going to be single for the rest of my life.
And so because I had that mindset, it was like,
okay, if I am going to be single for the rest
of my life, how am I going to go through life?
Like what do I enjoy and how will I fill my time?
And not that. You know, obviously I wouldn't
still have a career and still have my child to
visit but it really forced me to think about
just like what brings me joy and how do I want
to fill my life and As we've also talked about
as you age your priorities shift like what you
once enjoyed doing maybe is no longer important
to you or You know, it just looks different.
So That was, this has kind of been like a five
-year journey and I'm somewhat grateful for that.
I think looking back now in the time it was,
oh my gosh, so overwhelming and difficult. And
there were days where I honestly didn't know
if I was going to make it through. Those of you
who know me really well know that there were
some desperate phone calls and some very difficult
times of self -doubt and just like, If this is
what my life is going to look like and this is
how I'm going to feel like what's the point a
lot of tears and so Yes, now I can see it as
a blessing and it actually worked out for the
best Oh life how you tend to do that I can't
imagine like not having thought about this and
at all and then all of a sudden my one child
is gone and my job after 29 years is totally
different. Like I can't imagine. And so it forced
me to have like a five year runway to think about
this. So with that idea, I think it makes you
more resilient in the face of change when you
do have a major life change that's coming up.
If you don't have a strong identity, I can see
how that would be really unsettling. But You
know, if you go through a divorce, a job loss,
empty nest, you know, a major illness that shifts
your life and everything that you thought you
were suddenly gone or changed, that would be
terrifying and really empty and lonely. And so
I think having that strong connection to who
you are at your core, you will always have that.
to fall back on when other things change. And
that's why I wanted to talk about this topic
today, because the more resilient we are, right,
the more we are able to weather all of these
different life changes and these storms that
are inevitably going to come up in life. So I
think keeping once I found kind of and tapped
into like, this is what I enjoy. And I tried
a lot of different things. Exercise had always
been there for me throughout, you know, no matter
what I, I look at it as. more mental health really
than physical health if I'm being honest. I do
not feel right if I haven't done something to
start my day that has to do with movement. It's
just a habit I think for me and it definitely
makes me more emotionally stable and if that
part of my life like that is one of my hugest
fears definitely if something were to happen
to jeopardize that is a big part of my identity
and that would really really rock me so I need
other things as well as that that I can do and
that bring me joy so that I can remain emotionally
stable as I get older and I'm not able to do
some of the active things that I do now, although
it's my goal to do them as long as I can, but
it just having that anchor I think helps you
weather all of life's storms a little bit more
gracefully. I think too that the more you are
in tune with who you are and what brings you
joy and on the other hand, what doesn't. I think
it really helps you with setting healthy boundaries
as well where. If you really sit and evaluate,
which I'm hoping my free resource is going to
help you do, it's some of the prompts that I
kind of walked through when I was sort of reshaping
what I wanted my life to look like. It's like
when you know who you want to be surrounded by
and how you want to feel when you're around those
people and, you know, who you want cheering you
on and who has been bringing you down, it really
helps you establish healthy boundaries. And I
think that's both in relationships and in your
work. I mean, I could do a whole episode on just
like how I changed at the end of my career to
try to separate myself from some of the things
I just didn't want to devote my energy to. And
I've definitely alluded to this in my personal
life as well, just like I've made some really
difficult decisions about boundaries and definitely
used my voice to stand up for myself and, you
know. they usually say that the people who are
most offended by your boundaries are the people
who needed them in the first place, right? So
I definitely would say that that's like an unintended
benefit of really knowing who you are and what
you want your life to look like. And so if you
communicate your needs and you are comfortable
with saying like, this just isn't gonna be a
part of my life or this is how I'm going to build
more authentic connections in my life, you're
less likely to lose yourself when it comes to
being in a new relationship or becoming codependent,
you know, in a relationship. And I would definitely
say as I've alluded to before in multiple episodes
that Had I not had that time alone and said to
myself, like, I am fine being alone for the rest
of my life. If I do, when I, when I got to the
point of saying, okay, maybe I'm ready to date
again. Maybe I'm ready to let someone else in
my life. I am not going to settle. You know,
Again ever and if that means I'll be alone forever
totally fine But like here are the things that
I'm looking for and if they're not there It's
not going to end up in a serious relationship
and I really feel like and I've heard many stories
about this that when you are at your strongest
and at You're most in tune with what you want
and you are healed and you're putting a different
energy out into the world You are definitely
going to attract what is right for you. At least
that's what happened for me So I guess before
we you know get into today's lesson and head
off into break in a moment in a moment if you
think about this is what they call the boom moment
like when your identity loss is becoming apparent
or you know that something is on the horizon
you know again it's a divorce a separation a
career change job loss empty nest retirement
illness, disability, you know, you feel your
kids pulling away and becoming more independent.
I think even, you know, when a child gets their
license, it's, it is a transition, definitely.
If you can anticipate that or, you know, in anticipation
of that or just for your own well -being to really
think ahead of time about how you can look inward
and do some of this work. The earlier I think
you're just going to set yourself up for success,
and it's just good. no matter what, if there
isn't a major life change on the horizon. Like,
when's the last time you sat down and said, like,
who am I surrounding myself with? And how do
they make me feel? And how could I make changes
to that? Or, you know, how am I incorporating,
even if it's 10 minutes of something that brings
me joy, it's really hard when you're caught up
in the hustle and bustle. But like, when's the
last time that you sat down and actually thought
about that? So I want you to just think about
that as we head into the break. We're going to
have some ads and ask the teacher anything. And
then we'll be back with our lesson for today.
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her practicality mixed with some tough love to
keep me going. That bell means it is time for
ask the teacher anything. So the first question
I have today is What's one small habit or mindset
shift that's made a huge difference in your life?
This is like asking an English teacher to pick
their favorite book like I'm gonna say though
if I had to narrow it down to recently a recent
mindset shift, I would say is You can't control
or change other people's behavior and it's not
a reflection of you. I think so many times in
my life I take a lot of things personally or
because I'm a recovering codependent I think
I've always felt like oh I can you know, I can
help them or I can change them or I can fix them
Hmm resonate with any of you You know, I've I've
done so much for this person. Like, you know,
of course I can I can improve their life or make
them treat me better. No, no, no, no, no. And
the amount of energy and anguish you will go
through. Again, it's sometimes some of the people
who are closest to you who should love you unconditionally.
You just. can't control who they are and how
they're going to treat you and I think I spent
so many years just in disbelief of like how is
this possible that you know I always held out
hope that like one day it's going to change and
as years go by I think you just realize they're
not going to and Once you make peace with that
and realize it has nothing to do with you, you
can free yourself of a lot of that. And this
kind of goes hand in hand with the conversation
that we had with boundaries. And we teach people
how to treat us. If we let people continually
act a certain way to us and don't put our foot
down or voice our opinion or set a boundary,
it's going to continue to happen. Like it's not
going to change. The longer people are in a habit,
The less likely they are to change. So I think
that's just a recent kind of realization or mindset
shift. Like, thank you, Mel Robbins. You just
have to let it go. You just have to let them.
Right. And maybe they'll realize their mistake
and maybe they won't. And maybe it's not as important
to them as it is to you. And so you find other
people and things that bring you joy. That's
been a huge one for me. Number two, how do you
handle vulnerability when sharing personal experiences
with your audience? Yeah, I don't know. I think
sometimes when so many things have happened to
you and you've just lived a life, you're like,
I have a lot of really good valuable life experience
that I think other people could benefit from.
And it's sort of that teacher mentality of If
this helps one person, it's worth it. And at
this point, I think everything they say, like
as you approach your sixties, you just don't
give a crap what people think about you or about
your life. And I spent a lot of time in my life
being ashamed for how I grew up until I realized
like there was nothing I could do about that.
you know, before I was 16 and had a car and could
make decisions about my life, there was not a
lot I could do. But I will say that once I had
independence and once my life was mine to build,
the only thing that kept me moving forward was
the mindset of this is all on you. Because it
truly was and people who know me know like that
it was all on me. And you know, once you go through
some difficult things and build wisdom. I think
it just feels like it could be helpful to someone
else. And I don't give a crap what people think
about me because and I used to definitely a lot
because the people who care about me know what
I've been through and respect me for it. And
I've been told many, many times like you're the
one of the one of the strongest people I know.
They're a lot stronger people. And in taking
my own advice, I'm trying to surround myself
or flood my mind with messages of people I think
are strong, truly strong, and have mental mindsets
of just, I mean, that's why immersing myself
so much. And like Siri Lindley lately, once I
discovered her, thank you, Anna Strelo again.
Holy cow. You want to talk about a strong person
and a strong mental mindset? Yeah. And her sharing
her vulnerability has helped me and other, you
know, my favorite author during the pandemic,
Glennon Doyle, who by the way, her new book comes
out, um, this week or May 6th. Yeah. So yeah,
they, Them sharing their vulnerability helped
me and I have a very small platform But I know
because people have told me that sharing different
aspects of my journey has helped them So I think
that makes it easier And sometimes it just feels
good, right? It's like kind of going to therapy
And then it opens up lines of communication to
have these important talks in your life As we
come back from break, I realized we probably
had the majority of the lesson already, and now
we're just going to kind of reflect and apply.
And I'd like to talk a little bit about the free
resource that I worked on for you guys, you know,
taking some of the things that I've learned through
my journey of doing this work for myself and
put it in the journal. There'll be a link to
that in the show notes and all you'll have to
do is follow the link and fill in your name and
it'll send you the free journal. It's not long.
There's only like six prompts or so, but it'll
start with a list of 50 core values and kind
of going through thinking about that took me
a really long time actually to just. It starts
with narrowing it to ten and then to five and
then to three and that gets harder as you go
But it's really important work to think about
at this stage of your life because certainly
that will change as you age just like Right now
in this chapter. What is most important to me?
So let's just kind of talk about that a little
bit and how we can cultivate You know this core
identity and you know, I've asked you already
in the episode to just start by saying Who am
I? outside of any roles that I have, just like
if it's me, you know, living my life and there
are no other people around me, I'm starting from
scratch. What things do I want to have in my
life? And how do I want to fill my time? And
who do I want to be surrounded with? So just
kind of starting with that question. And then,
in fact, I did an entire episode on this just
time management versus energy management. I think
that was episode 21. And this was actually a
new idea for me because I had been so hyper fixated
on how to control my time, which is something
that is finite, right? We only have 24 hours
in a day versus how you manage your energy. and
this idea of ultradian rhythms, which I had never
heard of before, and I talk about in that episode,
and how if you are short on time, even how you
pack that time begets energy, right? And so the
more energy that you are taking in joy and not...
this leads to not burning out, right? Versus
we can't really control time. I used to think
that, you know, I'm gonna do all these things
before eight o 'clock in the morning and then
I'll have control over the rest of my day and
that just leads to exhaustion. And so yeah, I
did a whole episode on that, but just this idea
of like, that episode I had listeners walk through.
a list of things that zap their energy and a
list of things that renew their energy. And so
thinking about with this topic of what would
you put on your list, activities or hobbies that
bring you joy. And again, depending on what season
of life you're in, maybe we're talking about
just 10, 15 minutes a day, but that has a compounding
effect, right? Adds up over time. And then when
you get more time and you're in different season
in life you can expand that so this is another
thing where you know if we're already doing that
maybe it's time to try something new and I definitely
I mean I remember thinking in the pandemic like
what are my hobbies because all of us were home
and it's like besides watching TV scrolling on
your phone and teaching online? Like, yes, I
was working out, but what did I enjoy doing?
Reading? Okay. And I was like, I can't just have
these activities in retirement when my daughter
is gone. And if I am alone, I need to try something
new. And that's when I tried CycleBar, when we
were allowed to, obviously, again, and during
that season, I, wow, I don't know what I would
have done without that. It was such a good outlet
for me and obviously a healthy one. And that
just led to meeting cool people and, you know,
talk, you know, I met, you know, other people
who were single, you know, and I could. talk
to them about what brought them joy, and it just
opens up your community, right? And you learn
things from other people. So that kind of goes
hand in hand with prioritizing your me time.
And again, depending on what season you are in
in life, you have more or less me time. I have
more me time now than I've ever had in my life
and will continue on that path. And so, you know,
even if you have 10, 15 minutes a day know a
lot of moms prioritize even just 10 or 15 minutes
before their kids get up for journaling or silent
reflection or meditation or you know a lot of
busy moms will get up and work out before their
kids are up or before they go to work but like
how can you find little small pockets of time
to just devote to yourself and then how are you
filling that hopefully you're filling that with
things that give you energy. And then I think
it's really important too, and this was a reality
slap during the pandemic going through a divorce,
but who's in your support system? That was really
eye -opening to me as well. I remember the people
who would text or call me multiple times a week,
and I knew that if I were in crisis, and I did,
call them. in crisis and they wouldn't judge
me and other people did judge me like you should
be stronger than this I thought you were stronger
now that they would say that necessarily but
I felt it in some messages or I had people who
you know yes I I have health anxiety and it's
gotten much better but like kind of roll their
eyes about like You know you're being ridiculous,
right? It's like, yeah, well, this is how I'm
feeling at this time. And again, unless you're
living in my body, don't judge me. So I think
going hand in hand with these major life transitions,
just thinking about who you're surrounding yourself
with, and even if that's just one person you
know you can call, that is so helpful. And if
you don't have anyone like that, I'm here and
I might not know you and I may not have ever
met you. I have met certain people who I've interviewed
on this podcast, who I've never met, who I feel
a strong connection to. And so, so what? Send
me an email, reach out on social media, like
nobody. should go through a difficult time alone.
And this does not mean you have to bury your
entire soul to them, but you are important. And
I have been through things at multiple stages
in my life where I did not feel important to
anyone or did not feel that anyone would miss
me if I wasn't here. And that is true. And that
is very vulnerable, but that is true. And that
is a big product of how I grew up. Um, which
again, I have learned is not my fault. And I
was ashamed about that for a long time. I can't
help it. Right. And I have healed and I have
grown through it and come out stronger on the
other side. I never want anybody to feel the
way I felt in some of those moments. So I'm being
very serious here and obviously getting emotional
thinking back to those times. Never feel like
that. Okay, someone is always there. And maybe
that's the reason that you're hearing this message
today. Okay, learning to enjoy our own company.
Let's talk about that. Whoa, that we had to learn
during the pandemic and less, you know, I had
one child with me 50 % of the time, but some
people were crawling in kids and you were like,
Oh my God. You know, but again, if you are not
settling and You are deciding, like, if all else
is gone in my life, I need to enjoy my own company,
even if that means singing in my car to ridiculous
music and sounding horrible. So what? I had fun.
So really think about that. Like, if you are
alone and you, you know, sometimes busy moms
are like, please, can I just have some time to
myself? And I'm just going to sit and stare at
a wall. Do it. Like, I've been there, done that.
Many times I have driven in my car in complete
silence or gone on a walk, right, in complete
silence. So, you know, just thinking about what
you enjoy when it's just you and how you choose
to spend your time. Okay, so this is a lot of
what I'm going to have you explore in the journal
that I've created for you. And I'm so excited.
I've never made anything like this before that
was like outside of a classroom. But I was thinking
a lot about how much journaling we did when I
taught creative writing and how many students
were like, oh, I used to journal and I loved
it. And this forced me to do it again. And all
the research around journaling. And even though
this is a really short, you know, five, six prompt
journal. If that's something that you enjoy doing
or something that you've never done but you want
to try, I think this is a nice entry point to
that. So all you'll have to do is just either
go down in the show notes. If you are on Apple
Podcasts, there will be a link there. Or I can
just tell you to go directly to my website at
Life's Next Lesson Plan dot com and just go to
the freebies tab. There's a bunch of freebies
from past episodes, but this one will be the
first one there. And then all you have to do
is just go ahead and click. Put in your name
and click and the journal will show up for you.
And I'm so excited to hear, you know, you trying
it and what you think and what you discover about
yourself. So I hope that this episode was helpful
for you today. And again, they just seem to be
getting a more a little raw and vulnerable. So.
Bear with me, but this is life, right? I hope
today's episode was of value to you. And I really
do hope that you check out the journal and spend
some time, you know, even if you just do one
prompt. at least to get started just thinking
about some of these things and if you already
have done this work I would love to hear any
tips that you have because I feel like I'm still
partially on this journey and kind of in the
thick of it although I've done some work already
with this so I'd love for you to share you know
any helpful tips that you have for me or for
others. And next week's episode, oh boy, this
is, you know, as I've referred to in previous
or actually just this episode, someone who I
had never met. whose book I have now purchased
and actually even shared it with Brett in the
sauna and oh my goodness I have been surrounded
by brilliant people my whole career and you know
I think teachers sometimes are a little bit snobbish
about like oh we're so smart and everybody I
teach with is so smart holy cow what an amazing
guest I have coming up for you actually my next
two guests just I got, I have to say, a little
nervous because I didn't know either one of them
and they're kind of in that realm of people where
I'm following them because I want to be them
or I want to adopt parts of their mindset, right?
So really looking forward to that for you. Also
on my YouTube channel, Life's Next Lesson Plan,
we just picked up our camper yesterday as of
recording this. I'm actually recording this one
in my car because it's early in the morning and
I didn't want to wake anybody up but I did if
it was a little warmer although I could have
turned on the fireplace and the camper I did
think about recording in there and I will I think
do a lot of episodes in there because it is super
comfy and cozy and a little bit you know nicer
than just sitting in my car to get away from
people but right now the campers in our driveway
I guess when it's in storage that'll be a little
bit harder to do but anyway all of that to say
that I will have some footage now on my YouTube
channel about the camper and I have a whole playlist
there on not only counting down my last let's
see tomorrow will be 32 days left of teaching
The kids noticed that I'm starting to take things
off the wall and it's starting to look a little
bit more bare in the classroom. So I have that
countdown on YouTube, but I also have my empty
nest playlist on there, which involves all things
transitioning to an empty nest, which is what
we've talked about today. So lots of places to
connect with me and I meant what I said today.
I'm thinking about you. even if you don't know
it, even if I don't know you yet, and I worry
about you, I care about you, I know we all have
to weather our storms in our own way, but please,
please, please don't ever feel like you don't
have someone to go to. We'll see you again next
week.