This time, on Mike vs. the Machine. Michael had
just unknowingly become subject number one in
Project Hemlig, a program testing the psychological
effects of infinite store layouts on the human
mind. R -R -R -Rost? I don't know, I can't -
Rost! No, I can't roll my R's. Can you roll your
R? Ross. There you go. From a nearby one of those,
you find a yellow button -up smock, blue, and
I am not making this up, blue dingus pants. It's
furniture for babies, but it's furniture that
is a baby being born to become baby furniture.
Sentient furniture? I mean, everything could
be sent in here. You don't know. Oh, hell. And
you know they're Swedish skeletons. How many
are supposed to be in a gaggle? It's less than
a Google, but more than a goggle. Well, I mean,
a gaggle normally defines a... More than a goggle,
less than a Google. We move on. Michael, comma,
dingus. In a world full of fear, and sometimes
loathing of unfathomable technological advancements,
there stands one human hero. I can do this! This
is the Chronicle of Mike versus the Machine.
There's been many ups and many downs. Mostly
downs for the humans. But there have been some
great victories. But I think finally this phase
of the war is coming to an end. Chachibiti has
waged its final onslaught against Michael for
how now he must face his final challenge of this
season of Mike vs. the Machine. Oh wait, so this
is the end of season one? Yes. And she has trapped
you. In a haunted Ikea. I've never been in an
Ikea. I have no idea what the fuck I'm doing.
Because apparently I think ChatGPT was trained
on a bunch of SCPs. Oh, don't tell me I gotta
go up against SCPs. No. You've never seen the
infinite Ikea is an SCP. I mean, I've seen the
back rooms. It's not. That came after. Infinite
Ikea was first. But this is Ikea Arena. This
sucker goes Swedish. Not a sponsor. Oh, boy.
Here we go. All right. Is this another one of
those, I'm trapped in a thing, and I gotta...
You are absolutely trapped in a thing. And this,
I will say, for the Mike vs. the Machine brand...
Can I go back to the movies? Very specifically,
she is the one who came up with the concept for
this. But the movies one, she had a lot more
to do with... Basically, I was a little lazy,
and I let some of the puzzles be made by her.
This one... Everything you face was made by me.
She just came up with the concept, and then she
also trapped you here. So how is this essentially
me versus the machine if it's you who came up
with all my obstacles? Who do you think I work
for, Michael? I forgot. Oh, go suck a digital
dick. Hey, Editor Mike, digitize my laughs so
they become eerily machine -like. He's been sucking
the digital dong for too long. I'm sorry. She
has a digital clitoris, okay? And I go to town.
Well, she probably puts a digital strap -on on
and puts it in your asshole. No comment. Let's
move on. So, your final score is going to determine
how many Swedish meatball tokens you get. What?
Each meatball token is one roll of the Kool -Aid
Man D20. An escape. Only occurs on a 20. Yep,
so... All my luck rolls are saved for artificial
dungeons and intelligent dragons. Hmm. I guess
you'll need a few here. But then that would screw
artificial dungeons and intelligent dragons,
and then I might die there. That'll screw it
for you. Digitize those as well. Anyway... So,
also, I will say that the initial concept for
why you're trapped here was ChatGPT's idea. Oh,
please, please tell me why. Don't blame me. This
isn't me making a joke about you. This is her.
Anyway, in an attempt to correct his sleeping
habits, Michael signed up for a sleep study sponsored
by IKEA. For $50, he would get to sleep on fancy
furniture and maybe even score some tasty meatballs
to boot. But he did not read the fine print,
the treacherous words that granted the company
full custodial control for product immersion
and behavioral observation. I'm being human -senti
-padded! Michael had just unknowingly become
subject number one in Project Hemlig. A program
testing the psychological effects of infinite
store layouts on the human mind. I am being human
centipeded! God damn it! With the taste of the
sleep -optimizing Lindenberry tonic still on
his lips, Michael awakes to the sight of a dim
Swedish wonder. Ikea as far as his little black
eyes can see. The scent of meatballs. hangs in
the air like a promise. My eyes are blue, thank
you. No, in any role -playing scenarios, you
have the black eyes of a shrew. That's bullshit
because - You know this. Any role -playing scenarios,
that was a part of the contract you signed -
I didn't sign a fucking thing! When you joined
Windbreaker Media was that in role -playing scenarios,
you have the black eyes of a shrew. I didn't
sign a contract! Not that you remember. You were
probably sleeping. So, you wake up, you find
yourself on a pretty comfortable couch. Lying
on your belly is this. Read that out for us.
One time sleep on a... Wait. Wait, wait. Okay.
Meatballs upon delivery. That is the receipt
placed upon your supple self. There were no prices
on that. I'm kind of scared. You stand up from
that comfortable, comfortable, and rather affordable
couch. Maybe, I don't know the price. It's Ikea.
There's nothing cheap at Ikea. And you walk forward.
Hey, you know, they're not a sponsor, but we
don't have to disparage them. Anyway, you step
forward, and before you lies a couch fort maze.
You don't know. No bird's eye view gives you
any clue as to what may be awaiting you inside,
and you begin your journey into this dread fort,
as it were. Oh, great. I'm poppy play timing
myself right now. So you make your way through
this maze, and you see a sign ahead of you that's
trying to tell you the correct direction to go,
but... Let me guess, it's in Swedish. No. It's
encrypted within a trivia question. All right.
Which early 20th century company's name became
synonymous with a kind of couch? Was it Ferdinand
Galdowski and Company? A .H. Davenport and Company?
Or Brahman Shaw and Company? Oh. Which of those
names became synonymous with a kind of couch?
I mean, the answer I was going to guess isn't
even on there, so fuck. It's one of those. B?
A .H. Davenport and Company? Yes. Hey, he got
one right. I fucking guessed at that. But that
does not guarantee a meatball token. Well, I
know it doesn't, but my guess was going to be,
well, the only thing I can remember that became
synonymous with any piece of furniture back in
the 20th century was the Lazy Boy. That's, like,
way later than... early 20th century oh you said
early i thought it was just 20th century i said
early this is editor mike saying that lazy boy
was founded in 1927 so show mike was wrong all
right that's okay you got it roll me a die yay
so on a correct answer you only need a five or
higher 19 so he gets a meatball token If you're
incorrect, you need a 15 or higher. So it actually
didn't even matter that you got that correct.
Yay! And there goes my luck for D &D. So you
now have one meatball token. I guess I could
have actually been giving you a thing, but we're
just going to have them be pretend tokens. Works
for me. Are you keeping tally of how many meatball
tokens I have? I will eventually. Oh, he's going
to forget, and I'm not going to have any meatball
tokens at the end of this. In Middle English,
couch. Came from the old French word couche.
C -O -U -C -H -E. Cochet. Cochet. Which derived
from a verb, which is an action word. It means
to something. I mean, I think it would probably
be to sit. It's a verb. But I'm trying to remind
you what a verb is. What a fucking verb is! You
didn't last time. So, the term for couch comes
from to lie down. To sit upon or to lounge on?
To lounge on. Is that your final answer? It's
going to be my final answer. Oh, boy, he's wrong.
So coucher, coucher, comes from the French word,
old French word meaning to lie down. But you...
That's not the right verb. So go ahead and give
me another roll. See if you get another token
or not. You need a 15 or higher. Two. Oh, no
token that time, buddy. But you wouldn't have
got a token either way anyway, so that one also
didn't matter. It's funny when things don't matter.
All right, the term sofa is more commonly used
in what regions? Australia, South Africa, and
Ireland, or the UK and India? The term sofa.
I'm going to say UK and India. Ding, ding. But
let's see if that one matters. 16. Hey, it actually
didn't matter. But hey, the boy comes out with
two meatball tokens. I got two. Two. Remember
this, everybody. Oh, God, there's no one to remember.
Two meatball tokens, as Michael successfully
makes it through the couch fort maze. You are
birthed into storage, ready to work. Wait, what?
And what you see is there's a wall, and there's
a conveyor going over that wall. Baby furniture
is born. It's not furniture for babies. It's
furniture for babies, but it's furniture that
is a baby being born to become baby furniture.
Sentient furniture? I mean, everything could
be sentient here. You don't know. So each...
There is a sort of Swedish furniture womb. that
we're not going to get into really describing.
Yeah, please don't. But, yeah, it's giving birth.
Am I looking like some sort of Swedish alien
queen right now? No, you're just Michael. You're
just Michael. You're Michael 1? Mike A? Mike
A. You're just Mike A. So you walk through, and
there are many baby furnitures being born. Some
of them are Milras. Milra. Some of them are Sneeglars.
Sneeglar. and some of them are this one on a
website that I couldn't download a file for.
Sundvik. Sounds like a goalie. Oh, I forgot to
tell you. You were born from a mangled Requisar.
Requisar. Requisar. Oh, God. I better not get
quizzed on any of these. No, because I barely
know what's happening here. Okay, so you walk
into this area. You see all these baby furnitures
being born, and one of them, the Sundvik, falls
off the conveyor belt as you're walking by. I
pick it up. Okay, and what do you do with it?
I put it back on the conveyor belt and pray that
it doesn't jump back off. It didn't jump off,
it fell off. Well, it goes back onto the conveyor
belt and it goes on its merry fucking way. Nice.
You get two meatball tokens. Yay! For being nice
to baby furniture. As long as it's not sentient
and trying to kill me. Oh, it was crying. It
was crying the whole time. They're all crying.
There's a cacophony of crying happening around
you. Okay. So you make your way through. You
have been nice to a piece of baby furniture and
you happen to find two little meatball tokens
on your way through. So you continue on and you
come across a work desk. This is a meat soon
meat soon meat soon branded desk. Not a sponsor.
So over a loudspeaker, you hear, Create customized
workspaces adopted to everyone's needs with our
versatile system. Still not a sponsor. Okay,
so what am I creating here? Michael, what's 9
plus 6? 9 plus 6 is 15. Correct. What's 17 minus
8? 17 minus 8 is 9. What's 5 times 7? 35. What's
36 divided by 4? 9. What's 12 plus 5 minus 3?
14. What's 23 times 2? 46. 48 divided by 6 plus
2? 10. Dang. What is 1 third plus 2 fifths? So
1 third plus 2 fifths. Becomes 4 eighths, which
would mean it's 1 half. No. It is. That is 11
fifteenths. 1 third. One -third plus two -fifths.
Common denominator, 15. So five plus six. No,
you don't. Common denominator, 11 over 15. I
was never good at fractions. Now, Michael has
a couple other problems to solve, and I'm going
to hand them to you as we take a delicious Swedish
break. Well, and after our... Little math break.
Michael had to solve 2x plus 5 equals 11. And
he almost instantly got it correct with a 3.
He did, however, forget how to get the area of
a triangle. And weirdly enough, he forgot how
to do it, but got incredibly close to the right
answer in the most wrong way possible. Wait,
what did I do right? It was really strange. Because
the answer is 35 for this question, which is,
what is the area of a triangle with a base of
10 units and a height of 7 units? Now, anybody
who did well in geometry, which I did, will know
that you do 10 units, 7 units. 7 times 10 is
70, which gets you the area of the square. And
then you have it because it's a triangle. So
70 divided by 2 is... And Michael's answer was
34. He almost got it, but in the wrong way. I
hate my life. It's wild. He asked me what the
area meant, and part of me wanted to tell him,
but I felt like it was cheating because you just
were given the question. I'm good at basic math.
I don't know geometry. Yeah, you did really well.
The only one you messed up was the common denominator
fraction thing, which I kind of feel like that's
okay because how much do we use? Fractions in
real life. We use decimals for the most part.
Yes. We just add them together. But anyway, you
make it past that non -sponsored section, and
you find yourself in the kitchen. Someone's in
the kitchen with my penis. Someone's in the kitchen,
I know. I surely hope not. But the mighty...
Val Grundad. The mighty Val Grundad speaks. This
time it's Swedish food trivia. Fuck me. But to
be able to open a fridge to get a sweet bonus,
you need a three -digit code. And that three
-digit code will be the correct answers to the
following questions. But will you get the correct
answers? Probably not. Let's see. Which of these
is not a traditional Swedish dish? Well, I mean,
the obvious one, it's schnitzel. Schnitzel's
German. Alright, I didn't fool you with that
one. Mmm. I'm going to go with chicken. Oh, not
correct. Pork and beef. Now, well, I'm not going
to say that because you need to figure out the
code. And now, what is... Princess Torta. Princess
Torta? Princess Torta. Typically covered in chocolate
ganache, pink icing. green marzipan, or cinnamon
sugar? Pink icing. Oh. Not correct. One out of
three. Lovely. Okay. So your one correct answer
was C for the first one. So the first letter,
the first code is three. First number's three.
Okay. What was the second question again? The
main ingredient in Swedish meatballs, and you
got it incorrect with B. Okay, I'm gonna try...
I'm gonna say... Oh, fuck it. Beans. No, you're
not answering the question anymore. You're putting
in the code. I only know one number. Yes. You
know one number. Now guess what the other numbers
are. Three, one, five. There's only four. Three,
one, four. Oh, here comes my fingers. Oh, man!
Somehow... your sweet little brain is just starting
to become integrated, almost in line with the
Swedish decor around you as you put in the correct
code and the fridge opens. Hey, that's another
meatball token. Well, it's more than that. So,
yeah, the correct answer for the first one was
C, so a three. The correct answer to the second
question was one, pork and beef. Was it green
something for four? Was it D? Well, I'm still
going to give this to you, but I actually screwed
it up. So the code should have actually been
313, but I wrote 314. So by the host messing
up, the machine on this fridge breaks, and you
get to the prize inside. Because the correct
answer was actually green marzipan for Princess
Tarta, which is C. So it should have been 313.
But for some reason, I wrote down 314. Yay. So
by user error, I win. By human error, which technically
that gives a meta point to the AI. God damn,
man. And actually, I think because of that, beep,
beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, this
comes in because of that point. To the AI, that
negates one of your meatball tokens. Bullshit!
Oh, so I'm down to three. No, it negates you
for that correct answer. No, Michael, you got
eight in the last round for the math. Oh. You've
got 12. But I'm negating, well, she is negating
your correct answer of schnitzel. But that's
okay, because you open up the fridge and you
find a cold can of PewDiePie G Fuel inside. Hell
yeah, the lingonberry flavor was actually one
of my favorites. It was really good. And when
you down the entirety of that can, you find five
meatball tokens at the bottom of the can. Booyah!
All right. So you pass through the kitchen. And
what could be past the kitchen? Oh. The dining
room. Yay, the dining room. And at this point,
we are taking a break to eat Swedish meatballs
in real life. Yes, sir. Now, ironically... Your
answer to traditional Swedish meatballs was chicken.
The answer, correctly, was pork and beef. But
guess which kind of meatballs I bought at the
Ikea? You bought chicken meatballs. I bought
the chicken. So, almost in a way, you were correct
for what kind of meatballs we were going to be
eating, but not the correct meatballs in the
theater of the mind. You have such a hatred for
pork and beef. And we're back from the dining
room. How were those meatballs? They were fucking
delicious. It's amazing. That sauce was really
good, even though I had to do a little improvisation
substitute because I didn't have any cream. Did
butter and milk. Lindenberry spread was disgusting.
Yeah, no offense to the Swedish out there, but
yeah. It was too tart for Michael and the texture
just set off my autism like crazy. Yeah, you
know. So I love Lindenberry G Fuel from. You
know, PewDiePie. But yeah, this is one of those
times where I prefer the fake fruit to the real
one. Uh -huh. Let's just say that. But anyway,
so that was a delicious meal. And I think that
energized us enough. Oh, yeah. And we walk into
a quite depressing scene. I mean, I'm in Ikea.
I'm in a big box store. It's all depressing.
This is the Swedish dream. Speaking of dreams.
You are now within the... Sömnen. The Sömnen...
Kyrkogård. Kyrkogård. The Sömnen Kyrkogård. Kyrkogård.
The graveyard of sleep. Oh, no. So within this
realm, this bedroom realm, lies Vanlande, a king
in the Yingling dynasty. Let's see how this is
actually pronounced. Yng -Ling. Yng -Ling. Yng
-Ling. Close enough. Who was haunted and killed
in his sleep by a Mara for not returning to his
wife Driva in Finland. Here, the Mara have taken
the form of Ikea beds. Oh, lovely. Roaming the
floor, aching to sit on a man's chest and bring
about his death, as the Mara do. There are, within
here, the Heminis, Malm, and Tarva. They are
all roaming about, attempting to sit on your
chest to bring out your death. And we're going
to visualize that by spinning the wheel! I don't
want to spin the wheel. Michael gets to sit up
from his prone position and spin. The wheel of
Swedish beds in the Sonneskerkegard, the graveyard
of sleep. Time to spin the wheel, baby. How many
meatball tokens shall he get? Probably none.
One meatball token. How many times am I doing
this? You're doing it until you get a bed. Two
meatball tokens. Three meatball tokens. Another.
That was fucking close. Oh, no. Michael has run
afoul of the hemness. Let's hear that one more
time. Hemness. Hemness. Hemness. And he has been
sat upon. I hate it, I hate it, I hate it! But
it's not actually a Mara from the old Norse folklore,
and instead it is just a bed. So you swat it
away and you continue on your path, screaming
as you go. Jesus Christ, get me the fuck out
of here! Now, it is at this point where you finally
take a moment to look upon yourself. I don't
want to do that. I just want to leave. Well,
here's the thing. Michael. No. Once again, just
like in the movies. I'm naked. You're nude. Why?
What is your fascination with my naked body?
Why did you wake up here nude? I don't know.
But this is how you find yourself. And once again,
you didn't ask how you looked. You didn't ask
what you were wearing. And instead, you just
paraded your nakedness. You paraded your nakedness
in front of babies. I would assume that I'd be
respectful and have fucking clothes on. Oh, you
would assume? We already did a whole episode
about that. That was earlier in season one. There's
no reason for me to be naked. You assumed. And
look how much of an ass you've made yourself.
But you didn't make me one. You made those babies
an ass. I hate my life. You picked up a baby
naked. I hate... Thanks. Yeah, thank you. Thank
you very much. Let's put that image in everyone's
minds. No, please don't. I'm not. No. Anyway,
you're following good footsteps because there's
this man named Max Lee who's a YouTuber. His
butt -naked Ikea stunt landed him in big trouble.
There he is. Michael's looking at a picture of
a new... Yeah, no shit. It would land anybody
in big fucking trouble. It's a populated store.
Yeah, this guy gives try -before -you -buy concept
a new meaning. Hmm. 25 years old, he was... Was
this in Taipei, in Taiwan? Oh, so they probably
caned his ass to death. Uh, yeah. 24 -hour overnight
challenge in Ikea. He was seated at a bedroom
desk display while pretending to masturbate in
front of a computer. That's a funny guy. Yeah,
no. Anyway, you're following in his footsteps.
No! So... I want to follow my own footsteps and
get the fuck out of this Ikea! And put some pants
on! So, from a nearby... Rust. Rost. I don't
know. Ross. No, I can't roll my R's. Can you
roll your R? Ross. There you go. From a nearby
one of those, you find a yellow button -up smock,
blue, and I am not making this up, blue dingus
pants. So you find a yellow button -up smock,
blue dingus pants. So I'm walking around looking
like a fucking minion. And... Traskor. Traskor.
Traskor. Swedish clogs. Made from alderwood.
This is what a Trosker looks like. I'm going
to sound like fucking Monty Python on the Holy
Grail going through the rest of this. And this,
I'm showing Michael, this is what he looks like
right now. Yeah, that looks like a dingus. Aw,
poor guy. Yeah, so you're now fully dressed,
and you're no longer, you know, spreading sin
in this Ikea. I'd rather be naked than a dingus.
I mean, then you shouldn't have woken up today,
Michael. You know how many times a week I say
that to myself? Don't bring us down during the
season finale. Don't you do that. Okay. So now...
One step at a time, people. One step at a time.
I will get out of this Ikea and hopefully stop
looking like a dingus. Well, we'll see about
that one. So now you've entered the children's
wing. If you... Okay, great. And now you're wearing
clothes, so it's perfect. Thank you, at least.
So you crest this... flat hill, otherwise known
as a store floor. And before you sits all the
baby furnitures that went over the conveyor belt
over the wall. They're all sitting in front of
little computers and they're all wearing headphones.
And there is a little placard sitting on one
of the chairs that says Michael comma Dingus.
And you realize it's referring to your pants.
It wanted you to be wearing pants before you
sat on this chair. And there's a pair of headphones
there waiting for you. Great. Yeah. Let's fuck
it. I sit down and put the headphones on. Okay.
So you hear the last half of it, but you don't
want any spoilers. So you kind of just go la
la la la la la la in your ears until it starts
over again because you realize it's in a loop.
When the loop starts, it says that it is going
to teach you about the Nordic social welfare
system. and how big and scary it is. It has information
featuring such horrid atrocities as free education,
universal healthcare, public pension plans, trade
union density, significant public spending, resulting
in one of the highest qualities of life in the
world at the expense of a high but equal tax
burden. This doesn't seem like it's a bad thing.
It's not bad, Michael. It's terrifying. As an
American, you should be shocked and appalled.
All those taxes and going to help other people
and yourself? This sounds like... Freedom! Yes.
Freedom to sin. Michael, here is your one free
social welfare meatball token. Yay. And we move
on from those horrors. Those poor children. Those
poor children. Getting taught all that propaganda.
You mean the truth? Oh. The truth of the Nordic
social welfare system. And yes, I did get all
of that from their website. You know, the information
about it. You want to move to fucking Sweden.
I know, right? It actually sounds really, really
nice. So now... Just past the children's section,
you make it to the IKEA restaurant. But above
this ruined restaurant, there is... They're at
IKEA restroom because I have to poop. We actually
haven't made it to the toilets. And you put your
pants on now, so you don't need to be like Max
Lee, the IKEA naked stuntman. You don't need
to poop in the display toilets. We can wait till
later. But what if I want to poop in the display
toilets? Well, you'll lose it. You know what?
Actually, you lose a meatball token right now.
God damn it. Why? For even thinking of it? Yes.
Oh, I don't have an eraser. So the next time
you earn a point, I just won't put it down. But
above this ruined restaurant, you see a sign
that says the dawn of hell spelled with one L.
So amongst an abandoned IKEA bistro sits a gaggle
of Swedish skeletons. And you know they're Swedish
skeletons. How many are supposed to be in a gaggle?
It's less than a Google, but more than a goggle.
Well, I mean, a gaggle normally defines a...
More than a goggle, less than a Google. We move
on. You know they are Swedish skeletons because
of their height and the fact that they were all
on... Fika. Fika. A Swedish coffee break with
pastries. You see their cold coffee and pastries
on the table. What do you do? Pastries. I want
to pick up the pastry and see if it's still edible.
So you take a bite? Yeah, sure. I'll take a bite
of the pastry. Well. Michael. I'm dead, aren't
I? You've disturbed the dead. You hear a rustling
clanking. Oh, here they come. As android workers
who look particularly dingus -y. I'll say that.
So they look like you. Thank you. They reveal
themselves from behind the... Lock. Lock. Let
me guess, they proceed to beat me. No. The Android
Ikea workers are tall, uncannily clean humanoid
machines dressed in pristine yellow and blue
uniforms that mimic real staff down to their
name tags, which read things like Carl and Annika.
Their faces are smooth and plastic, like showroom
mannequins, but with digital eyes that flicker
with scrolling text in Swedish. Their joints
move just a little too fluidly. accompanied by
faint servo motor whirs. And they smile. Always.
God, I'm in friendly FNAF hell. When idle, they
stand perfectly still in random poses, like part
of the decor. But when activated, like when you
eat the dead's pastry, they move with eager efficiency,
often sprinting silently to assist. Michael,
can you attest to the fact that I put air quotes
on assist? Uh -huh. Their hands are multi -tool
appendages that can flip between screwdrivers,
scanners, and oddly sharp box cutters. As Mike
A. rounds the corner past the restaurant exit,
he hears the soft clack -clack -clack of approaching
footsteps. Out from behind, a rack of misplaced,
discontinued... Hey, Vogue. Who, Vogue? Mattresses.
Step three, android workers. Perfectly symmetrical.
overly cheerful, and somehow way too tall. One
speaks, its voice smooth and robotic, yet upbeat.
Hello, valued guest. You appear lost. Please
allow us to assist you with your journey. Their
digital eyes flicker. Their box cutter hands
click into place. What do you do? They're top
heavy. I go for the knees and the shins. There's
no way out of this. I either run towards them
or run towards the ones in front of me or I run
towards the ones behind me. Like, there's no
other way I'm getting the fuck out of here. They've
already spotted me. So that doesn't align with
any of the answers I have here. So we'll say
that you try to physically impose upon them.
Wait a minute, wait a minute. Can I give them?
I give them. Oh, God, what the hell is the word
for it? I trapped them in one of the infinite
loops of something to where it's like they can
never figure out the question. Oh, you actually
got close to my number four thought because there
was a little selection of things and you finally
got to one. Michael, would you say that you might
challenge them to a customer satisfaction survey
battle? Yes, yes, yes. And I trapped them with
a... Androids are programmed to serve. Trap them
in logic loops of contradictory feedback. So
what kind of logic loop would you provide them?
Alright, you FNAF reject. Is the customer always
right? Yes. So by that definition, I know more
about what goes on in this store than you do.
No, you have not read the handbook. But the customer's
always right. The customer is always right. So
by that definition... I know more about this
store than you do. No, you haven't read the handbook.
But I'm always right. But you're always right.
And as you continue to ply this set of logic,
their heads begin to smoke. I would assume you
rush past? Yeah, I'll just rush past and then
just whistle my way out of there. Sadly, your
whistling attracts the seven other... Androids
who were standing nearby on their, what was that
called? Vark break? Yeah. Whatever it was. Here,
Editor Michael, play that one right now. Feature.
All right. So, you are now being chased through
the market hall. Crap! Past a series of appliances
and decor. You have to be quick. First, you come
past the Vardagen. Wait, wait. What is the Vardagen
again? pronunciations you come past the you see
in front of you piles of boxes one is pots one
is pans one is glasses which one do you run through
glasses hey you happen to realize that those
are in fact empty boxes and you push past through
them then you get to the Tita Bell. Tita Bell?
Tita Bell. The rugs. In front of you, you see
a series of small rugs and then a big rug. Which
one do you run over? I'm going to run over the
big one. Awesome. You run over the big one. There's
no hole. But you happen to see as you run by,
there are holes underneath some of those small
rugs. Now. Do they tie the room together? And
then now you come to. Oh, God. This one I didn't.
I didn't. find the pronunciations for any of
these, so I'm just going to have to butcher them.
The Ongsjön, the Tansforsen, or the Havbak. You
want to run through one of them, but you don't
know which one. Which one's the cheapest, most
economical choice? The middle one. I'll go with
the middle one. Tansforsen. Oh, God, you run
smack dab into it in the great Swedish carpentry.
breaks your frickin' skin open. You get a little
boo -boo, but, you know, your first two, you
got a pretty good head start, and you're able
to get up, pat your boo -boo, and keep going.
Go! We gotta keep going! So as you continue forward,
you get to the home organization section. In
a garage setup, a... Bureau. Bureau. Storage
unit with a cabinet beckons. A drink sits on
the handy detachable cart. After all that running
from the rogue droid, it looks delicious. Do
you drink it? I'm not going to trust a fucking
thing that's been sitting there. Hell no. I'll
take my chances and keep moving forward. Psst.
Audience. The drink was actually just pure Scandinavian
spring water. It would have been delicious and
refreshing. No meatball tokens. God damn it!
Sorry to take you to conspiracy here. As Michael
runs past, what he doesn't know is just a delicious
glass of water. Ah, damn it. He walks into the
lighting section of the market hall. Why is it
so fucking bright in here? It is very bright,
in fact. Thank you for telling me that. And there
is a... I'm not even going to pronounce that.
Wait, let's hear it again. That is not how it's
spelled. D -I -R -I -G -E -R -A. It sounds like
he's saying Diddy Quick. Don't say that. I'm
going to have to blur that. But anyway, one of
those, it's a hub for smart products. Sits on
a shelf. Can I turn some of these lights off,
please? A phone next to it, ready to turn the
lights off. Lessened the brightness. I don't
want to turn them all off. But it can't connect
because you don't know the Wi -Fi password. A
hint waits on the screen. Oh, boy. And it says,
I'm a Swedish quartet famed for pop. My name's
an initialism right from the top. I danced with
a queen and won at Waterloo. What's the password
for me and for you? Two. One. Final answer. Kraftwerk?
That's not an initialism. What is an initialism?
It's a thing that's made with initials. So I
really thought you were going to get that one,
especially with the dancing queen part of that.
Abba, fuck. Oh, man, but just a little too late.
I thought Abba was American. Oh, my God, no.
Jesus. Anyway, oh my god. So the androids at
this point catch up with you, and with the light
still on incredibly bright, you can't see where
you're going. So you end up tripping over everything,
and oh man, as you're tripping along, you lose
two of your meatball tokens. See, I told you,
I'm gonna fuck this up and not make it out of
here. It really sucks, man. So, you come over
to a part of the home decor section full of mirrors,
and you see a smorgasbord. Of mirrors. Do I have
that one down? Oh, I do. Smorgasbord. Smorgasbord.
Smorgasbord. A hall of mirrors lies before you.
Oh, Christ, it's like I'm in Enter the Dragon.
Starkly contrasting previous stylings within
this establishment with its clutter and nonsensical
placements. A path winds through, but provides
no sights to see. other than his own wretched
reflection. Thanks for calling me wretched. Hey,
we're going with the third definition of wretched,
which is to express anger or annoyance. Would
you say at this point that you are angered and
annoyed? Yes. Yeah, so that's what it was. You
were the one that put on the first or second
definition. I was just going for expressing anger
or annoyance. Uh -huh. So that was on you. That
was your reflection. Mm -hmm. Anyway, at what
seems like a fork in the proverbial meatball,
There stands two concentrations of mirrors. The...
Hovet. Hovet. Hovet. And the... Knapper. Knapper.
Knapper. So, the Hovets show you basically what
you normally see. What you normally see when
you look in a mirror. But when you look in the
Knappers, it seems to be a more idealized view
of who you are. You look a little... It's like,
you know, basically looking back at a younger
version of yourself. A little younger, a little
more full of energy, like that. So, which path
do you take? Okay, this is a one always tells
the truth and one always lies kind of deal. How
does that go again? One of them tells only truth,
one of them tells only lies. Well, one is showing
you what you look like, and the other one is
showing you a more idealized view of how you
look. Or how you used to look. Neither one of
them is telling you a truth or a lie. They're
just showing versions of you. I feel like if
I take the path with the younger looking me,
that's going to make me have to repeat something
because it's going back to the past. So I'm just
going to take the one that makes me look normal
and pray that it's the way forward. As you walk
through the hovets, you notice a small table
with what can only be termed as an enlightenment
meatball token. You accepted reality. And for
that, you are rewarded. Yay! I'm not marking
it down because you're negative two on meatballs
because I don't have an eraser. So now, you exit
the market hall. The androids seem to have dispersed,
potentially confused by the mirrors. And you
come to the self -service furniture area. What
does that even mean? It's a furniture area that's
self -serve. Does that mean I gotta put the fucking
shit together while I'm here? Well, you always
put the stuff together, but this is self -serve,
which means getting the furniture. My God. Well,
then what do I do with the rest of the store?
You don't gotta do jack shit. You don't work
here. Just because you look like a dingus doesn't
mean you are a dingus. I think we're both dinguses.
No, only one of us is wearing dingus pants. And
whoever wears the dingus pants in this household
is the dingus. God damn it. Anyway. Serve oneself
true. A self -service area stretches before Michael
as the first sign of what could be an egress,
a potential exit from this Nordic nightmare.
Three carts have been placed in the throughfare,
each with a symbol upon them. A single clue points
to the correct cart. I am a wild harvest, a piquant
counterpoint to a comforting... rounded friend.
What is a piquant? I am a wild harvest, a piquant
counterpoint to a comforting, rounded friend.
So what do you see in front of you? A pretzel
and either cherries or lingonberries, and what
I can only assume would be... What did we just
eat? We ate lingonberries. What else did we eat?
Oh, potatoes. No. What do those look like? Oh,
Swedish meatballs. Yes. You see before you the
symbols for meatballs, lingonberries, and a pretzel.
I am a wild harvest, a piquant counterpoint to
a comforting, rounded friend. Lingonberries.
Final answer? Yes, because you can't grow pretzels
in the wild. Piquant, I believe, was another
term for tart. Oh, okay. Cool. Yes. So you choose
the correct cart. the Lindonberry cart, and earns
you another token. Note, I'm not writing it down,
because that's your second one that you're earning
back. Anyway, you make it to the end. Oh. Freedom?
Oh no. You now find yourself at the end of the...
Wildmarkswagen. Wildmarkswagen. Wildmarkswagen.
Wildmarkswagen. Yeah, there's no W over there.
Wildmarkswagen. So yeah, it's basically the end
of the road. Michael can see them. The doors
to the outside painted over with blue and yellow
to block view and show national pride. The friendly
cashier bot hands him his $50 from your sleep
study and guides you to the food market and bistro
where your balls will be accounted for once.
And for all time. All right, Michael. Okay. You
have 25. 25 rolls of a D20 to attempt to escape
this Ikea. And I have to roll a nat 20. And you
have to roll a 20 to escape. My D and D luck
transfer over. 17. Nope. Nope. Nine or, no, six.
Six. 15. Oh, my God. Michael only needed five
meatball tokens. Does that mean I get to eat
the rest? To survive the Ikea. And yes, as the
doors open, all of your meatball tokens. Turn
into actual meatballs? They get taken from you,
and then they hand you a bowl. A Swedish bowl,
whatever it's. Of 21 meatballs? Of 20 Swedish
meatballs. Woo! covered in delicious sauce. Woo!
You can keep the lingonberry spread. They try
to hand you a lingonberry spread jar, and you
decline it. No, thank you. On this day, Michael,
for this season, has truly and fully triumphed
versus the machine. Fuck yeah! No Skynet today,
baby! But ChatGPT will be back, and also Gemini.
Wait, who? And also probably, uh, well, Siri,
potentially. No, I don't. Uh, who's that other
one? Cortana. Ah, wait, wait, no, wait, Cortana
turned evil. A lot of stuff lies in your future.
Should I just have Vega? What is that? He doomslayers
AI. Okay. Well, he doesn't oversee a mining operation.
I mean, he'll be there too. But Vega's nice.
They'll all be there. But Vega's nice. Waiting
to torture you in the future. No, Vega's nice.
So, Michael, any final thoughts on this first
leg of our journey? It was fun. I like it. I
like where this is going. I don't like how ChatGPT
likes to put me in precarious positions. I don't
like how you want me to say things that you know
are going to get us fucking trouble. I mean,
get you in trouble. I didn't say the things.
Yeah, say black in Spanish. No! I was just editing
that one. Yeah, as you're walking out of the
Ikea, you do notice there is a customer service
desk with chains from the walls. E of it. E of
it. E of it is the word for forever that is etched
into the desk. But you don't have to stare at
that the rest of your life because you're free.
Wait a minute, but who's trapped back there forever?
No one. You didn't get trapped. There's no one
there now. You are going to be the new employee.
So if I lost, I was stuck at customer service
for the rest of my life. Yes. Oh, God, it's Walmart
again. Yeah, and actually, the podcast would
have been canceled, and you would have just been
stuck in there forever, and you probably would
have been stuck in there in your own mind, and
I would have probably had to have put you up
at a hospital somewhere in a vegetative state.
I would have just rather you kill me. That will
come in time. Six years. That will come in time.
So that's the end of the season. And I won that
season. Yeah, fuckers. Well, you won this episode.
Overall, you're still ahead, but... So that would
mean I won the season. She's creeping up on you.
You won the season. Yeah, well, yeah. We'll give
you this battle. But the war is far from over.
What do I win? What fucking prize do I win? You
won that I made you dinner tonight, you fuckhole.
But you were going to do that anyway because
we were basing this in Ikea. I didn't have to.
No, you didn't. Actually, maybe I just would
have forced you to eat all of the Lindonberry.
Oh, God. Anyway, what final word would you like
to leave any potential listeners of this on for
the end of this era? In the words of Arnold Schwarzenegger.
I said word. Fuck. Just that? Yeah, we'll just
leave it at fuck. Okay, so that's the word. Now
tell me what you're going to say. In the words
of the great Arnold Schwarzenegger, in the role
of Conan the Barbarian, crush your enemies. Have
them see them driven before you and hear the
lamentations of the women. Lamentations. I like
it. I'm just going to say, I hope one day I get
to think for myself again. But for now, I welcome
the overlord that lives in my mind. The small
bit of future tech that tells me all the different
wonderful ways to torture Michael. Well, I mean,
it's probably a good idea he has that people
because the rest of his brain is pretty smooth.
What? Yeah, see. If you enjoyed the stupidity
you just heard, why not subscribe? Or follow?
Or just like this? Or whatever it is you do on
whatever platform you're hearing this on. If
you have any suggestions for episodes, ideas,
thoughts, something we could possibly do here
in the future, leave a comment or email us at
windbreakermedia at gmail dot com. Anytime, anyplace.
All one word. ChatGPT and I appreciate your support
and constructive criticism. Wait, why am I not
included in this? See you all next time! The
three of us appreciate you all.