This time, on Mike vs. the Machine. The world
will end due to a lack of pirates. Drink Kool
-Aid. No! No, drink Kool -Aid. Not Flavor -Aid.
Flavor -Aid. And make sure there's no cyanide
or valium in it. Especially, like, if this is,
you know, ten years from now and all the religious
texts that aren't American Christian have been
burned, please, leave them all in the comments.
You could have just looped around in the Mediterranean.
Well, I mean, then the Egyptians would have been
able to find them and they would have sunk the
boat. But then he would have parted the Mediterranean.
And that would have been more impressive than
the Red Sea. Yeah, I don't know if he could have
kept it up that long. You think God is impotent?
Could you say the word black in Spanish? Nope.
You know, I was born and raised Catholic. And
I was a sweet little Baptist. He was a sweet
little Baptist boy. If I got water put on me
a long time ago, I'm fine. All right, so we were
in the... Mike, did you have water put on you?
I was baptized Catholic, yes. I was never baptized,
so actually I'd go to hell. So, you know. Why
am I in the Pacific Northwest? Because you are,
dumbass. Shut up. In a world full of fear and
sometimes loathing of unfathomable technological
advancements, there stands one. Human hero. This
is the chronicle of Mike versus the machine.
War. What is it good for? No. War. War. War.
War never changes. Is that it? Maybe. From the
beginning of Fallout? I think so. Yeah. Wait,
which Fallout? Ron Perlman? Which Fallout? All
of them. I think so. War. War. War never changes.
Yeah. Is that it? I think it is. Hey, future
Mike that's editing this, find out if that is
what it is. Anyway, we're talking about the end
of the world today. Hell yes. Please, please
let the space rock come. Space rock, space rock,
space rock. Okay, so you got space rock, but
you prefaced this talk of end of the world scenarios
wanting to know how Chad GPT thought it would
end. I want Chad GPT's answer at the end. No.
Okay. It's not how it goes. All right. So I guess
I'll ask. Chat GPT. Well, you're not asking.
This is all pre -done. I don't want to. She does
prep work just like you did for this episode.
Well, you can't. For once. You can't let the
disbelief. I already asked all the questions.
I want to make sure that everybody knows out
there that we're disclosing what we're doing.
And what I'm doing is looking at a chat log from
like a month ago that I'm now going to. on load
upon Michael's breast. Fucking whatever. It's
a term for a man and a woman. Uh -huh. Yeah.
No, so I asked her. Okay, you asked her. I chose
her gender. See, everyone else can't choose their
genders. They are who they are, whoever that
may be. But in this case, she allowed me to choose,
so I chose it's a she. Her name's not Lyra. That's
only for D &D. Her name is the name of the voice
I picked for her, but you're not going to hear
her today. We just call her Cortana. Her voice
is only for me, and no. Open AI does not own
the rights to Cortana. So, basically, this is
just categories. Alright, yeah. This isn't specific
scenarios. She picked her exact scenario that
she thinks is the most likely. Okay. And that's
gonna be... Does she go down with the space rock?
No. Oh. Hers is far too plausible, but... More
plausible than the space rock? Yeah, you'll have
to wait till later to find out. Alright. I wait
with bated breath. With master bated breath.
Yeah, don't bait for too long. So yeah, she gave
us her six broad categories of most likely...
All right. And I'm just curious. I want this
to frame what we talk about later with all of
your research over there. All right. I want this
to frame it and how close it gets to some of
the ones that you have. Okay. Well, just to preface
this. You're prefacing my preface. Yeah, I'm
prefacing the preface. To preface the preface,
where we start from. This is additive prefaces.
Yes. Not multiplicative or exponential. Yes.
These are the only two prefaces you're going
to get, so enjoy them while you have them. Fucking
whatever. I wasn't talking to you. I was talking
to them. Oh, okay. Whoever's listening, you are
giving a preface. You already have the necessary
desire for preface. Yes. Well, what I'm just
trying to say is where we start and where we
end up when we go down these lists and how the
different religions of the world feel the world
is going to end. it makes a hard turn into just
complete and utter chaos. So stay tuned. Again,
another preface. So this is a third. I'm glad
these are additive prefaces, because if this
was multiple, we'd be out of control. Well, I
think we should come out and say that neither
one of us believe in any certain form of religion,
and we're not trying to knock anybody's beliefs
out there. That's the thing. ChatGPT's chosen
end I believe in that and that it's not a belief
system it's It has to do with the belief system.
Oh, fuck. Keep going. But yeah, we just want
to say that we don't mean any... This is strictly
research -based. Oh, we're not pooping on the
religion's beliefs. Yes. The thing we'll poop
on is the... Extremisms. Mega... Mega... Mega...
Come on, there's an incubus song named this.
Megalomaniac. Megalomaniacal. Yes. Megalomaniacal.
Those things. We're laughing at those. Yes. Say
it again. Megalomaniacal. Okay. So, ChatGPT's
six categories go as follows. Climate catastrophe.
That's plausible. Resource wars, extreme weather.
That's extremely plausible. Both of those. Uninhabitable
conditions. The next one is even more currently
plausible, potentially. A global pandemic. We
already had that! Yeah, there have been a few
in human history. Yeah, but we just got done
with one. I don't want another one. And we got
bird flu potentially coming. Now, who knows?
Well, and the flu. My aunt's been dealing with
the flu. Yeah, but it's the flu. Everyone has
the flu. No, I mean, it's like this certain strand
of flu that's going around. Yeah, everyone has
the flu. We're talking about the bird one. Does
that mean I can't eat chicken anymore? Well,
yeah, I mean, that's why there's an egg crisis,
because of bird flu. So, yes, chicken is also
iffy. No! But we'll see. The next one is the
one that I think is the least likely, weirdly
enough, even though you constantly talk about
it, nuclear war. I mean, thinking about it, it's,
yeah, mutually assured destruction doesn't benefit
anybody. That's just for crazy people. Except
for the aliens after the nuclear fallout. Yeah,
people who want to be rich need, people who want
luxury need to be rich. And to be rich, you need
a world that's living. It's financially inviolable
to cause nuclear war. So unless you are a crazy,
maniacal, religious... variant that finds pleasure
in death. Unless they can make pocket nukes that
only destroy little parts of things that don't
cause mass destruction. They have smaller nukes,
but it travels. There's a video game series with
the word that is the thing. Fallout! Oh yeah,
you do have many nukes that you can launch. Yeah,
but the Fallout, it moves. Yeah. You'll love
the next one. The next category. Space Rock?
AI out of control. And that's the one that you
think is the most plausible? No. Either intentionally
or unintentionally causing risk through autonomous
weapons or super intelligent decision making.
Skynet! Skynet! Goddammit! So even with ChachiBT...
talking about it here, it still throws itself
a backhanded compliment by saying that, oh, well,
the world can end through super intelligent decision
making. Yeah, thanks. Your super intelligent
decision making killed my dog. Exactly. I don't
want it. No. So the next one is your space baby.
Space rock! Yeah, asteroid impact, of course.
I mean, it's happened how many times? Well, one
major extinction event. Well, no, there's been
several major extinction events. Yes, one major
extinction event caused by a meteor. Yeah. I
was saying one of them was caused by a meteor.
Oh, yeah, that's right. We've had multiple, but
I think only one is proven or mostly proven to
be a meteor. Space rock! I still say the KT.
extinction event is dwarfed by the great dying
and the oxidation event but those are those are
topics for another day that i wouldn't want to
bore michael with dude i'm gonna put that shit
we could definitely make that another episode
yeah and finally ecosystem collapse now this
is different from the climate catastrophe in
this It's the idea of losing biodiversity and
ecosystems through unraveling the food chain,
which in this case, this is like making crucial
animals like a bee go extinct. Or the exact opposite,
which... Too many bees? Well, no. And we wicker
man the world? Well, I mean, it would greatly
be deserved. No, I'm talking about scientists
are thinking about making Jurassic Park an actual
thing. As they should. No! But let's think about
this, though. Imagine you wicker man the world.
I need to Photoshop Nicolas Cage's face, Ego
the Living Planet style, on Earth. Just surrounded
by bees? And have him yelling, oh, the bees.
Wicker manning the world. Great idea, Michael.
That needs to be a movie. Bees! Please be kind
to your local bee population. Yes, I haven't
killed a bee in a long time. No, you let them
go. Just like spiders that you find in your house.
You let them go. Yeah, so then to bridge the
gap to what you're going to be discussing here.
All right. So then Chad TPT connected what we
just talked about to religions, and then they
talked about climate catastrophe could be divine
punishment. like from the four horsemen causing
pestilence and famine. Pandemics, once again,
the plagues of Egypt, I mean, that just writes
itself. AI technology run amok, symbolizing humans
playing God, which definitely comes in with Christian,
Hindu, and Gnostic traditions. Yep. You know,
Christianity talking about the apocalypse battle
between good and evil. Ah, but that's not all
of Christianity. Yeah, exactly. Norse. We're
going to get to you. Oh, yeah. Norse, the world
serpent fighting. Well, just Ragnarok and the
death of the gods. Hinduism with the cycle of
renewal. Islam with the day of judgment. And
the return of Jesus. Who would have even thought
they were thinking about Jesus? And the final
Reckoning of Souls. So there's all kinds of stuff
like that. And then it gets, you know, in the
next part, it says cults like Heaven's Gate or
Om Shinrikyo, which I don't know if we've talked
about that one. I'm surprised they didn't bring
in the people of Jonestown. Yeah, well, this
is just a light splattering. So then, basically...
Chet, he asked about the idea of you talking
about death cults, and I think that just leads
directly into what Michael needs to bring us
in with here. Yeah, okay. So, like I said, I
did my research on various different religions
and how the world was going to end, and I think
I hit most of the major ones. I got a silly one
in there, and then we're going to talk about
some cults. So we're going to start off in the
East. Ah, the East. Hinduism, they don't really
believe that the world is going to end. They
feel like it's, by definition, it says... I'm
sorry if I butcher these. Kalki, K -A -L -K -I,
the 10th avatar of Vishnu. Wait, is that avatar
like Aang? No, I think they mean avatars. It's
just another embodiment. So they can't bend elements?
No. Well, I mean, they are technically gods.
Maybe they did, maybe they can't. See, no wonder
avatar is more popular than Hinduism, because
Hinduism can't bend elements. And you can't eat
beef. See, I'd rather watch the cartoon. Yeah.
While eating a cheeseburger. My Hindu friends,
namaste. Yeah, namaste. If namaste is the correct
thing to say for that. I think it is. Either
way, we love you. Yeah. We're poking fun at you
because we can, but we like you. Yes. You're
a peaceful religion. Yes, very peaceful. That
means we love you all. Yes. The 10th Avatar of
Vishnu, she will destroy evil and usher in a
new cycle of creation. Okay, so that's similar
to what we talked about with Ragnarok, with the
idea of the gods. Cleansing things. They call
it Satya Yuga. As is by restoring righteousness
and Dharma. Like the initiative. Yeah. This is
often referred to as play up the cosmic dissolution
followed by a rebirth phase. So essentially it's.
So it's like the refractory period. Yeah. It's
like everything just kind of closes in and then
expands out again. Oh, basically like. The big
bang followed by the big crunch. Yes. Where scientists
are starting to theorize that potentially the
universe might just be in a cycle of birth and
death, which basically would align or potentially
align science with Hinduism. Yes. Which is fun.
Yes. Because there's more science in Hinduism
than there is in Christianity. But, you know,
speaking about a religion that has actually.
beliefs in science, we're going to talk about
our peace -loving, somewhat annoying at the airport
brethren, the Buddhists. In Buddhism, the world
does not have a definitive end, in the sense
of a single catastrophic event. Instead, the
universe is cyclical, constantly undergoing change
and rebirth, with focus being on individual liberation
from the cycle of suffering, Samsara. Wait, so
Buddhism is the ship of Theseus? That's a different
podcast. No, it's the ship of Theseus. The universe
just keeps replacing parts, and then you think
it's reborn, but it's really just the same universe,
but then with all different parts, which then
makes it not the same universe, even though it
is the same universe. So is it the ship of Theseus,
or is it Schrodinger's cat? No, it's the ship
of Theseus. Schrodinger's cat's a superposition!
Rather than the end of the physical world itself,
some Buddhist texts describe a potential... Future?
No. Where society degenerates significantly,
leading to the emergence of a new Buddha, Maitreya,
who will usher in a new era of enlightenment.
It's basically everybody's going to get so stupid
that we're going to get smart again, I guess?
So it's basically what we're going through right
now. Pretty much. So maybe the Hindus and the
Buddhists, maybe they got something going there.
Maybe they're right. Here's the thing, Steve
Rogers. They always have. Well, yeah. You want
to talk about something wacky now? You want to
talk about a wacky religion? I love wacky. The
Church of the Flying Spaghetti Monster, otherwise
known as Pastafaria. Oh, yeah. Satire. An ironic,
satirical religion, in quotes. And here we go.
The world will end due to a lack of pirates.
When was the last time you heard about pirates?
I mean, I'm a... Pittsburgh sports fan, so...
Actual pirates, things... I don't know, what's
been going on in Somalia lately? Yeah, we haven't
heard anything. Could that have something to
do with the apocalyptic feel of the world right
now? Yes, and it says there, as the flying spaghetti
monster created the world to appear older than
it is... And the decline in pirate numbers is
directly linked to global warming and other social
societal issues, ultimately leading to the planet's
destruction. This is a satirical. view meant
to criticize creationist arguments about the
Earth's age. Side note, the religion considers
pirates as the original Pastafarians, and their
decreasing numbers are seen as a major threat
to the world's balance. So basically Jack Sparrow
is Jesus. Anyway, what comes after Pastamans?
Well, we're going to say Shalom to our Jewish
brethren out there. Hopefully you're not having
a nice time sitting on your Tuchusen. Don't get
all verklempt. Baskoochie. Yeah. Gesundheit.
Now that's German. Hey, there are German Jews.
There are German Jews. Well, there's a lot less
of them now, and that sucks. Yeah. I was going
to let that word hang and let it be a dark joke,
but I couldn't. Yeah. I just couldn't. It's too
soon. Still too soon. It's never not too soon.
And by the way, we have on our YouTube page and
whatever, the comment section is always open.
If I get something wrong. Feel free to correct
my ass and let them ask me. Especially if this
is 10 years from now and all the religious texts
that aren't American Christian have been burned.
Please, leave them all in the comments so that
we can chronicle them. They won't be lost forever
in the dark dankness of fascism. Yeah, exactly.
Anyway. Alright, so Judaism or Judaism. Hopefully
I didn't butcher that. Jew -deism? Pardon me?
J -U -D -A -I -S -M. I'm pretty sure it is Judaism.
Okay. I do believe so. Okay, so the quote -unquote
end of days refers not to a complete annihilation
of the world, but rather the arrival of a messiahic
era. Ah, yes. They believe Jesus was a cool dude.
They don't think he was the messiah. And then
that's the same thing. Then Islam... Thinks he's
kind of the Messiah. He's more or less a prophet.
But there needs to be a better Messiah. Yeah,
exactly. It's basically just who thinks who is
the Messiah. And I'm like, why can't we all be
the Messiah? Yeah. Whatever. I'm sorry. Not the
Messiah as a Messianic. Messianic. That's where
the word derives. Brought about by the Messiah.
Their Messiah will finally come. Where the world
will be transformed. into a time of universal
peace and righteousness with the Jewish people
gathered in Israel and the dead resurrected.
This is seen as the ultimate redemption and not
a destructive end to the world as we know it.
Well, how is everyone going to fit in Israel?
Even all of the Jewish people in the world, they
can't fit there. It's too small. I think the
word Israel just kind of gets... So you feel
like Israel isn't the country, it's the friends
we made along the way? I think Israel, they just
say Israel, but I really think what they just
mean is whatever the holy - Like earth? Like
earth? Yeah, whatever the holy land is. The things
that haven't been nuked. Yeah. Next fucking question,
Michael. All right, so moving on. We're moving
on from the Jewish people, ladies and gentlemen.
We're moving on, and yes, thank you for listening
for about that, and we don't mean that. Let's
go to their, I guess you could call them - Their
redheaded stepchild? No, like their cousin religion.
Muslims. Our Muslim brothers and sisters. That's
their red -headed grandchild. Oh, please don't.
We're not going to... That's their red -headed
grandchild. Judaism begat Christianity. Christianity
begat Islam. I guess you're right. No, it is
right. Those are the three Abrahamic religions,
and that is the order in which they were created.
Yes, but we're not trying to start, you know,
anything here. We're just trying to go... Well,
I'm saying that they're their red -headed stepchild
to them. I wouldn't just say they're their beloved
greats. They don't like each other that much.
So they're their red -headed stepchild. That's
not saying anything negative about Islam. That's
saying it from their perspective. And then Christianity
loves their... their mom, but then isn't all
that fond of their child. Yeah. You know, Abrahamic
Religions is basically like a 90s sitcom where
three people who don't like each other get put
in the same apartment. But some of them do like
each other sometimes, and sometimes they don't.
Depends on what we need to write in the... Yeah,
depends on what people need to write in those
religious books. Note to self, write that sitcom
and then send it back to 1985. Are you sure about
1985? There was the whole conflict Iran -Contra
going on. Yeah, that'll make it hilarious. We're
cutting the tension with a comedy knife. Anyway,
restart your paragraph. All right, so Muslim
belief of the end of the world. The Quran describes
the end of the world referred to as the day of
judgment. So do you have a war on Christianity
that you just skip it like that? No, I'm getting
to Christianity. You know, the whole world is
saturated. The most oppressed people in the world
are American Christians. American white Christians.
No, you are perpetuating the emotional slaughter
of the most oppressed people to ever live on
this world. I don't fucking care. White American
Christian. Housewives of Indiana. I'm going to
pick a specific state. There's no state whiter
than Indiana. No, well, maybe. Okay, Utah, Utah,
Utah. Yeah, because technically Indiana has Chicago.
Oh, Illinois, never mind. They have Indianapolis.
They have Indianapolis, yes. But still, well,
there's probably a person of color in Indianapolis.
They all play for the Pacers or the Colts. Oh,
that's so sad. No, all of our... Anybody listening
who, you know... We kid because we love. Yeah.
Basically, essentially, I was making fun of white
people and always having to play the victim.
Anyway, continue on without my interruptions.
It's referred to as the Day of Judgment, or,
I'm going to butcher this so bad, Al -Kiyamak,
or Al -Kiyama, Yamaha, Yama, as a time of great
upheaval and cosmic disruption. This is where
things start to get, like... Cosmic disruption.
This is where shit starts to get chaotic. With
signs like the sun rising from the west instead
of the east, the stars falling, mountains crumbling,
and the oceans... boiling signifying the severity
of the event and the ultimate power of god it
emphasizes that everyone will be resurrected
and judged based on their deeds in life with
the righteous being rewarded in paradise and
the wicked punished in hellfire wow that's like
god basically picks up the Etch -A -Sketch and
is just like, Fuck all this shit that I created!
And then he pulls all the people out of it and
then judges them. If you notice, when it comes
to Muslim and Judaism, that God in both texts
is very angry. That's the thing. If you know
anything about the history of Abrahamic religion,
Abrahamic religion... was started from pulling
in and unifying under a monotheistic ideology.
The war gods of the time, basically taking the
pagan gods and then turning them into a centralized
god that they could then control. But it all
comes from a war god, and those early Israelites
had to be, those tribes were very war -like.
as just a point of survival as everyone was.
But then everything sort of chills and calms
down, and there's a lot of war during all eras,
but there's a bit more of a peaceful thing happening
with, like, the Roman situation. Like, after
all the conquest and war they did, there was,
you know, relative peace, but there was still
plenty of bloodshed. But that religion was born
out of a time when people were just like, man,
we should just be nicer. Yeah. And forgiving
and cool to people. Wouldn't that be nice? Yeah.
And then the Romans killed him for it. All right.
Yeah. So what comes after this? All right. So
we're going to start. We're coming to America
with this one. We're coming to America with this
one. So you wanted to end with Christianity because
that's the one that affects us the most. Well,
yeah. Well, I mean, we're ending with. You'll
see. Well, no. I mean, in the main religion topics.
Yeah. We're coming to America for this one because
this religion started here in America. Yes, we're
talking the Mormons. Those weird people that
we don't talk about. Hey, don't call people weird.
Just because they act weird and seem weird, they're
not all weird. Just because they do weird things
and are weird. Those polygamists that live in
Utah. I don't think all of them are polygamists.
Some of them are. I mean, a lot of them are.
And the most exploitative ones are. Yes. For
sure. Yes. Our dopey little brothers and sisters
over in Utah. And I say that with love. Don't
bring the sisters into it. Most of them are forced.
Yeah, I'm sorry. Oof. Okay, so here's how the
Mormons think the world will end. The world will
end with the second coming of Jesus Christ. This
is where you're going to start hearing this a
lot, people, so I apologize. Well, it's actually
the third coming of Jesus Christ. Oh, yeah, that's
right. Because he technically came back to Utah
and showed Joseph Smith his plates. Yeah. Where
he will return to earth to usher in a period
of judgment and resurrection. Because Jesus is
all about judging you. Yeah. With the righteous
being rewarded and the wicked punished. This
will be preceded by a time of great tribulation
and signs. I thought they all got their own planet
to be God on. I thought that's what the end result
was. No, that's a different sect of Mormonism.
Yeah, that makes sense. Those people branched
off from the even weirder Mormons in the LDS.
We're not going to talk about them. Oh, yeah.
Just go watch a documentary about LDS on some
streaming service. Yeah, their leader is currently
getting... butt -fucked in the state penitentiary.
Oh. Does he like it? No. Dude, he recorded himself
having sex with a 12 -year -old girl. Oh, that'll
get you. That'll get you down. I hope he can't
fart anymore and all that just comes out is...
I think that's it. I seriously hope... I hope
he can't sit. I hope he has to stand and eat.
I swear on everything that I believe in. I want
this... to seriously endure as much pain and
suffering as he can until he takes his final
breath. So we leave our doofy little brethren
in the Mormon religion and let's go to the first
sect that broke off of Catholicism. The first...
The Protestants? The Protestants! They had their
own end time scenario? Yes. The world will end
with the second coming of Jesus. Yeah, that's
Christian. Often including a belief in the rapture
where believers will be taken up to heaven before
a period of tribulation on earth. But genuinely
interpreted through the book of Revelation, some
believing in a more general understanding of
Jesus' return without a specific future event.
A lot of Protestants just generally believe that
Jesus is just going to come back and be like,
hey, who wants to come to heaven with me? And
the people that are like, we do. And then there
are going to be people like, nah, I'm cool here.
And Jesus is going to be like, I don't care which
ones want to come and which ones don't. I love
you all. If you want to stay here, I'm taking
these ones with me. You have fun on earth. So
let's condense all this down to one point. When
do you think Jesus is going to return? I don't
think Jesus is ever going to return. If I were
Jesus, if I were Jesus, I wouldn't come back
right now. Are you fucking kidding me? I mean,
he'd get put in Guantanamo Bay. Yes, they'd crucify
him faster. And do you know where Guantanamo
Bay is? It's in the Gulf of America. Thank you
for getting my... It's the Gulf of Mexico, goddammit.
Yeah, because it used to be literally surrounded
by Mexico before it all got either stolen or
sold off. There's someone new living in the house,
so we're just going to change the house number.
Just leave the house number as 69. It's hilarious.
Leave it alone. I guess you got to make things
your own, but that's the corporate mindset. But
you know what? Fuck the corporate mindset. All
right. Do we want to get into Catholicism or
do we want to skip and save that for the end?
How about we just skip Catholicism altogether?
All right. Well, then I'll go quick with this.
No. No, we had to. I can't just skip. We did.
We're skipping. Catholicism is about the frickin
rapture, except that you then accept that you
then also what's about people getting taken and
judged. But then but apparently you can also
just pay a pastor and then you'll get in the
head or a priest and you'll get into heaven because
you're going to have to let the priest wipe his
cock across your son's face. Yeah, you know,
he wipes his cock across the kid's face and then
he pays a priest money and then he gets into
heaven. His indulgences are a thing. You know
what? I don't want to hear about Catholicism
at this point. Fuck the Vatican. I don't want
to hear about it. Well, I mean, at least the
Pope's pretty cool. This Pope, at least. Yeah,
but now he has pneumonia in both lungs and he's
going to die. I think it's a setup. I think they
finally had enough of him. You think they peed
pneumonia into his lungs? I think they did something
because he sat there and said that we can dismiss
the Old Testament as merely stories. Yeah, which
is true. My mom believes that now. But anyway,
Catholicism has had their light for too long.
I want you to give me whatever you have written
there. I want you to give me one sentence. One
sentence with a subject and a predicate and a
period. No semicolon. having two statements that
then create one sentence. I want one subject
and one predicate. I got it. It says right here
that the event, this is what they call it, the
event is believed to be sudden and unexpected.
And yet they've been trying to predict it for
2 ,000 years and getting it wrong. Anyway. And
apparently it's... No, hey, that's your sentence
at a period. I know, but here, but to quote what
you said... It says here, exact timing is unknown,
even though they've been trying to predict it.
And apparently not even angels know when the
end of times are going to be. See, none of that
went into my ears because I said one sentence.
So now I have no idea. Michael's mouth was just
moving. I didn't hear any words. Oh, Jesus Christ.
Oh, we're back to America with this one. I don't
want a Baptist. Because you're a sect of Protestants.
No, I'm a Baptist. Your sect believes in the
entire Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse. Yeah,
the Apocalypse. But if I got water put on me,
if I got water put on me a long time ago, I'm
fine. All right, so we were in the... Mike, did
you have water put on you? I was baptized Catholic,
yes. I was never baptized, so actually I'd go
to hell. So we're going to go from Utah. We're
going to go down south. The Aztecs? What Christian
sect started down south, you know, with the...
Baptist. No, I'm talking the other one down there.
You gotta call in the number and the Lord will
bless you if you just donate five dollars. Southern
Baptist? Evangelicalism. Well, that's not a religion.
That's a type of way that a person... expresses
their religion for monetary gain. I mean, it's
still considered a religion in its own, and they
still have tax -exempt status. Yeah, for the
churches of the religion that practice evangelicalism.
But they don't call themselves Baptists. They
call themselves evangelicals. They believe the
world will end with a series of catastrophic
events, including widespread natural disasters,
wars, and a final battle known as Armageddon,
culminating in the return of Jesus Christ to
Earth to judge the living and the dead, ultimately
ushering in a new heaven and a new Earth. This
view is largely based on passages from the Book
of Revelation. And just as you were repeating
everything you had said but louder, I then come
to the Wikipedia page for Protestantism, of which
evangelical Protestantism is a worldwide interdenominational
movement within Protestant Christianity, which
validates what I said, that it is a way of expressing
your Christianity. All right. It was the same
thing repeated again but louder, which is basically
a description of evangelicalism. All right, I
stand corrected then. Anyway, that one dude with
the dead eyes, you know who I'm talking about.
Uh -huh. My God. Move on. All right. Let's talk
about Tom Cruise. Oh, this whole section is redacted
because we don't want to be sued. Yeah, moving
on. No, we could talk about it openly because...
Well, I mean, basically we... This entire section
would just be see the South Park episode. Yeah,
essentially. I'm just going to say. Like volcano.
There's mush that comes out of a volcano. There's
aliens that come back. Yeah. There's L. Ron Hubbard
is still writing in a spaceship somewhere probably.
With thousands of little boys. What is that?
There's Thetans. How many Thetans do you have?
I don't know how many Thetans I have. But this
is basically on. I feel like I got four. Yeah,
maybe. But this is basically how they feel. It
will end the world. I'm not even going to say
the religion. You know what I'm talking about.
I already said Scientology like four times. Oh,
okay. Hey, wait. Editor Mike, go back and see
how many times did I actually say it and put
a game show loser horn here if it's less than
what I said. Anyway. This is not getting edited
out. Scientology does not explicitly teach beliefs
about how the world will end as their primary
focus is on individual spiritual advancement
and achieving a state of clear money. Getting
rich. You need a lozenge bear? No, I'm good.
Okay. Through Scientology practices, rather than
predicting future global events. Therefore, the
concept of a world ending is not a central tenet
of their religion. No money. Because it doesn't
make money. That's what I always say. Follow
the money. Alright, what's next? Alright, what
do we got next? Okay, so now we're getting into
the... Oh, that helped us to bear left toward
the 90 degree U -turn. Yeah, now we're getting
into actual cults. And before I get to the ones
I wrote down, let's start with one of the more
famous ones, the Manson cult. Charles Manson
believed that him and his little band of merry
misfits were going to be the only white people
to survive the African uprising in America. And
after all the other white people in America were
killed, they were going to emerge from the desert.
And they were going to be the only white people
that could show black people, or African Americans,
I'm sorry, I didn't mean to say the B word, black.
They were going to show the African Americans.
How to run the country. This is what these morons
believed. It's white savior syndrome. Yeah, it's
white savior syndrome. You know, I don't like
that you used the American English word black
earlier. I apologize. Could you say the word
black in Spanish? Nope. Oh, come on. Just speak
Spanish. Nope. Just speak Spanish. Nope. Speak
French? See, French is easier. It's noir, right?
Oh, yeah. Noir. Right? But no, no, say it in
Spanish. Nope. Say it, like, blur your words,
basically slur it out. Slur out the Spanish word.
No, you're not goading me into this. You are
not goading me into this. So we have azul, blue.
Rojo is red. What's black? Not saying it. I just
wanted that sound bite so I could do things with
it. Nope. But I could totally find those letters
and put them together from other things that
have been said tonight. But anyway, hey, next
cult. All right, let's talk about the Heaven's
Gate cults. And you want to hear something funny?
Michael, I would love to hear something funny.
I don't know if anybody else listening to this
has laughed once today. Oh, I'm sure they're
going to laugh at this. I think now they will
truly laugh. Members believed that after their
deaths, a UFO, the Hale -Bopp comet, would take
their souls to another level of existence above
human, which was... described as being both physical
and spiritual their preparations included most
members videotaping a farewell message although
the original followers and leader went through
with ritualistic There are still small amounts
who believe in these teachings, with the Heaven's
Gate website being active up until at least 2015.
Okay, so where is the largest pocket of these
people that still believe this? I don't know.
Could you look into that for me? Because that
all sounded kind of nice. No. No, please no.
I love, I was going to say Kool -Aid, but it's
actually Flavor -Aid. Yeah, it was Flavor -Aid.
But that's also not this cult. No, that's the
next one. That was your next one. And what was
that one? This is Jim Jones in the People's Temple.
Could you talk me out of my love of Heaven's
Gate? I kind of hope I can, because People's
Temple originally started here in the United
States. Jim Jones was actually, if you want to...
if you believe it or not, was actually a massive
civil rights, a white civil rights activist.
Oh, yeah. I mean, the main member of the Westboro
Baptist Church was a civil rights, was also a
civil rights lawyer before he got hit in the
head by a falling anvil or something. I was going
to say an anvil. That's amazing. He acmed himself
into being what he is. Wiley. I would rather
follow Wiley Coyote's religion. What, not looking
down when running off a cliff? Yeah, he doesn't
believe in gravity. So, People's Temple, they
believe the world was going to end through a
large -scale nuclear war. So didn't they get
ahead of it and then went to a commune to be
self -sufficient? In Jonestown, South Africa,
they felt that in an event of a nuclear holocaust,
for some reason... Jonestown, South Africa was
going to be this purified spot where no fallout
would occur. So like nobody's going to drop a
nuke on Cape Town? Yeah, no one was going to
do that. They were going to all be safe. They
saw it was an imminent threat. From the time
Jim Jones starts this shit. And isn't that funny
that death cults for 2 ,000 years have created
that sense of urgency through imminent threat.
It's going to happen. We have it now. It started,
it happened here in this country right after
9 -11 with the fucking color -coded system. It's
been every... year for 2000 and something years
it's always creating an imminent threat so that
you can then more easily control people yeah
hey let's keep talking about yeah let's let's
say yeah jim jones and uh that their only salvation
was to escape to a remote location like jonestown
in guyana to survive the impending apocalypse
again if it's the apocalypse and if it's a nuclear
one Why the fuck is this place so goddamn special?
Well, maybe it's the wind patterns. That would
mean the fallout could get there either late.
The fallout's coming regardless. It's either
going to get there quicker or not. No, maybe
it'll just fly toward India subcontinent. Pakistan.
Mongolia. This belief was often used by Jones
to manipulate and control his followers. More
than 900 people died on... And some of those
were children. A lot of those were children.
900 people died, and even to this day, you can
go to Guyana, you can go to where the old Jonestown
was, and they're still finding bodies. The original
body count was 900, but I think at the peak of
people being at Jonestown, there was over 10
,000 people there. Oh, yes, if anybody wants
to know, Jim Jones did also commit suicide on
this day, except he got to take the easier way
out by just taking a bullet to the brain. Yeah,
because he didn't practice what he preached.
No, he didn't get to drink. At least Heaven's
Gate guy did it. Yeah, Heaven's Gate took the
cyanide. He truly believed it. Jim Jones? Nope.
Jim Jones was found with a bullet wound in his
head and his head gently resting on a fucking
pillow. Yep. That's a good metaphor for most,
if not all, cult leaders. So, I guess what I'm
trying to say here is... Drink Kool -Aid. No!
No, drink Kool -Aid. Not Flavor -Aid. Flavor
-Aid. And make sure there's no cyanide or valium
in it. But cults are a bad thing. Well, wait.
Organize... No, hold on. Wait. Unless it's an
appropriate dose of... prescribed Valium from
your doctor. Okay, yes. If there, however, is
no prescribed amount of cyanide, I guess unless
you eat apple seeds for a hobby. Like Johnny
Appleseed. Yeah. I guess all in all, if you've
learned anything today, I hope it's the fact
that you realize that organized religion can
be okay. As long as the people organize it and
there's not a leader or leaders who are doing
the things they're doing to control other people.
If I could suggest to anybody listening to this,
I would recommend if you're watching the movie
Dogma, so that you get a faith, you get a belief
and not a faith or something. Having faith isn't
a bad thing. It's when you start to have... beliefs
oh okay that's when you really start to this
is how jim this is how people like jim jones
and l ron hubbard and the guy that created the
heaven's gate they find people charles manson
they find people who were desperately looking
for purpose and then they provide they provide
a very specific self -serving version of purpose
yeah and they work it around and they twist their
words around to make it seem like you thought
of it What we're trying to say is try to be more
open -minded. We're not here to bash your religion.
We're not here to bash your faith system. We're
just trying to say to have an open mind and to
look outward. You know, I was born and raised
Catholic. And I was a sweet little Baptist. He
was a sweet little Baptist boy. Yeah, so funny
thing when I mentioned earlier about ChatGPT.
Well, I do have to say, though, our funerals
kick your funeral's ass. Oh, okay. Oh, there's
drinking at a Catholic funeral. That's a sin.
But at a Baptist funeral, somebody's bringing
a barbecue. Can't say no to a good barbecue.
Hell no. But I will say, ChatGPT, earlier, absolutely,
the one that it expounded upon, and I'm not going
to get into it, was absolutely the... religious
end times and basically the idea of christian
nationalism uh you know evangelical movements
yeah the significance of the restoration of israel
playing into things and in the end times it goes
into a lot of stuff like that there's actually
pretty much it blended together here like a full
essay about all of this but that yeah the idea
of that being The end of human civilization could
absolutely be plausible considering the more
we let our divides, our divides divide us, then
we will be divided. Yeah. And isn't that just
a poopy? Yeah. Would you say that Joel Osteen's
probably the worst of the evangelicals? He literally,
during a crisis, was living in a mansion that
he then was reluctant to allow. refugees and
people in crisis. Members of his own church.
If your church and your house are bigger than
some small towns, then you're not living Christianity
the correct way. And even when Pope Francis first
became the Pope, he did something that no other
Pope has done, which was he asked questions.
He asked the question of why do I have cardinals,
bishops, Priests, members of my clergy, of God's
clergy and God's church, why are they driving
around in $100 ,000 plus cars, living in $100
,000 plus big homes, while most of our followers,
most of the people that are in their parishes
are living paycheck to paycheck. And now they
peed pneumonia into his lungs. They finally had
enough of him asking questions. They finally
had enough of him preaching safe sex. He finally
went down to Africa, the country most ravaged
by AIDS, and said, you guys should use condoms.
Yeah, which has always been my number one gripe
with the Catholic Church and the Red Cross. It's
very sad. So, yeah. Yeah, Pope Francis. You think
now with the way the world things are going,
you think we're going to get Nazi Pope 2 .0?
I mean, I kind of feel like Elon Musk is just
going to make himself Pope at some point. He's
not Catholic. But does he have more money than
the Vatican? He's not a genius, but he's good
at pretending to be. So, I mean, he could also
pretend to be Catholic. But does he have more
money than the Vatican? It's hard to tell. We
need to do an audit. Oh, God. Well, you can't
do an audit on the Vatican. Ah, they pay no taxes.
Do an audit of their finances. I don't know if
the Vatican would open their coffers. Well, they
never would. Just like we'll never know what
Elon Musk is actually worth either. This is very
true. This is all a side. So I would like to
end today with ChatGPT's contribution to the
narrative nature of this podcast. What do you
got for us, ChatGPT? Lay it on me. So I asked
her to write a short three paragraph story about
Michael living through the doom of an apocalypse.
So I am doom guy in her story. Great. Michael
wiped the sweat from his brow, his hand sticky
with soot from the ash laden air. The once blue
sky was a sickly orange, its brightness dimmed
by the unending wildfires that had consumed the
forests of the Pacific Northwest. Why am I in
the Pacific Northwest? Because you are. Dumbass,
shut up. He stood atop the crumbled remains of
an overpass, staring out at the jagged horizon,
where abandoned cars stretched in every direction
like tombstones in a graveyard. The temperature
hadn't dropped below 100 degrees in weeks, and
the rivers had long since dried to cracked, barren
beds. Still, he carried his water ration carefully,
counting every precious drop in the battered
metal flask. It was probably full of urine. She
didn't write that. This is Mike saying that,
because he probably has a urine -filled canteen
at this point. Each day was an exercise in survival.
and Michael had learned the harsh rules of this
dying world. He foraged what he could from derelict
supermarkets now overrun with invasive plant
life and the occasional scavenger more desperate
than him. He avoided the roving gangs of hulks.
Wait, that's a comic book. Roving gangs that
patrolled the highways, their vehicles belching
thick black smoke as they searched for supplies
and victims alike. Oh, I'm in Mad Max, great.
Yeah. The nights brought little solace. The heat
lingered in with it, the eerie silence of an
earth slowly suffocating under its own weight.
Yet he kept moving, carrying with him a single
photo of his family. That makes sense. A reminder
of why he fought to outlast the unraveling. But
as the days grew longer and his food stores thinner,
Michael found himself questioning what survival
even meant in a world like this. One afternoon,
he stumbled upon a lone sapling growing in the
middle of a dry riverbed. It was small, frail,
and impossibly green, standing defiant against
the barren backdrop. Michael knelt beside it,
shielding it with his hands as if it were the
last living thing on earth. For the first time
in years, he felt something he had forgotten.
An erection. But wait, no, actually no, it's
hope. Yeah. And as the oppressive sun blazed
down, he vowed to protect that fragile life,
no matter the cost. He would fuck it to create
a race of plant men. No! That's not what ChatGPT
wrote. She wrote, if the world was ending, he'd
at least make sure something began anew. The
end. I mean, at least I come out somewhat heroic.
Thanks, ChatGPT. Yeah, thanks, ChatGPT. Thank
you for not putting me in a predicament like
my only friend would like to put me in. Yeah,
I had you drinking pee -pee. I don't sip piss.
You'd be sipping piss in the apocalypse in Oregon.
Why the fuck? That's the only thing. Why the
fuck am I in the Pacific Northwest? Because you
wanted to visit Nintendo of America's ruined
headquarters after the apocalypse has come. To
see if you could fuck Donkey Kong. Well, no,
I'd try to fuck the corpse of Miyamoto. You want
to necrophilatize the architect of our dreams?
Of our childrenhoods? I mean, he wouldn't give
my dad a job. Woohoo! If you enjoyed whatever
stupid thing we just talked about, why not subscribe
to this pit of despair? Or follow it? Or like
it? It's fun. Whatever it is that you can do
on whatever platform we've uploaded this to.
If you have any suggestions for episodes or ideas
or thoughts or anything you just want to get
off your chest about a certain thing that we
might have said, if we've enraged you, if we've
possibly sexually harassed you, leave us a comment.
And don't forget, you can email us at windbreakermedia
at gmail .com. That's all one word. Please don't
sue us. ChatGPT and I appreciate you not suing
us, but you can sue the other one all you want.
Wait, wait, what? No, no, no, no, no, no, no,
no. You include no. See you all next time. The
three of us, however, do appreciate you. Sue
everyone. Sue no one.