This time, er, no, last time on Artificial Dungeons
and Intelligent Dragons. If it's that good, how
am I going to distinguish between you and a real
owl? Here, let me demonstrate. Hoot! Hoot! A
single lute string out of place among the trinkets.
You will notice that it does look a lot like
the strings. that Lyra uses on her loot. Got
it. He over -adjusts from the cover and sails
it right over her head. And off of this is what
you hear. Aw, just a poor little birdie. Care
to share what that was? Uh, just a manifest of
what was on here. Nothing really. You hear a
voice call out from behind you. Yeah, that's
them! And then... Oi, there! What did you do
to my boys? And that's where we're going to end.
Oh, hell yeah. In a world full of fear and sometimes
loathing of unfathomable technological advancements,
there stands one human hero. I need to kill something.
This is the Chronicle of Mike. versus the machine.
We find ourselves in a once quiet thicket in
the Wildwood Thicket to be exact where two warriors
one more pear -shaped than the other stand with
a bird staring down a tall and a short goblin.
Fumes of hatred and fear rising in the air, mostly
from Pucciarelli's butt and maybe a little from
his brain, which is stinky. Remember that his
brain is stinky. I have to bring that up every
time. Please stop with the stinkiness. No, I
did, no. It was fine with the fart joke. Anyway,
the big goblin stares him down and says, Oi then!
I be thinking that you be choosing violence today.
What gave that away? You both continue to stare
each other down while Lyra gives a wink to Turkey,
the axe beak, and she readies her loot. Oh, this
is great. This is going... I'm going to enjoy
this so much. Or you'll die. Or I'll die, yeah.
My luck has been very... fortuitous as of late
these past two episodes i've actually done some
some good things and had some really great roles
it's gonna like all like any kind of luck in
my life that ever comes that's not bad this this
this luck of run of good luck is definitely coming
to an end soon yeah and speaking of that so you
go into battle and i feel like Something that
has to occur to a warrior every now and again
is that maybe they won't come home this time.
And so before every battle, you think of something.
Something that's precious or important to you.
And here's where I promised you I wanted you
to roll the D100, which is technically two D10s.
I want you to roll to figure out what thing it
is that you think of before you go into battle.
that you feel could be awaiting you if you would
fall today? 18. Oh, no. Oh, shit. You close your
eyes slowly, and in your mind, you go back to
that memory that you think will await you when
you cross into the gates of Dwarf Hala. As you
close your eyes, what's your picture in your
mind? Because you don't have aphantasia, right?
No, I don't think so. No. Okay. What you see.
The thing that will be awaiting you at the gates
is a shovel, blades split nearly in half. You
open your eyes back up, and you don't need to
explain that to anyone, because that's your personal
memory that only you saw. And then we jump into
glorious battle. Do it. Roll for initiative.
Yes. So how did you do on your initiative? I
rolled a 10. All right. Yes, so Pucciarelli.
It's going to be starting right there in the
middle with a 10. Lyra with a 17. Turkey with
an 11. Our little gooblin Wheezy got a 4. And
then Gitzog just straight beefing it with a 3.
Okay. So we have our stage set as Turkey, represented
in real life by a goat, is happily eating the
corpse of, I think, Snoz maybe? Yep. Pucciarelli
stands. Nearby, surveying the scene, while Lyra
has her little patootie between yourself and
the abandoned, broken caravan. Ah, yes. In from
the woods, however, come Wheezy, followed closely
by Gitzob, the big chomper. And as you see, his
two front teeth basically came out fused as one,
and it looks like he's probably pretty good at
chomping. Ah, my prize awaits. Alright, so with
Lyra going first, I think she is going to go
with her promised action from last episode. And
I think she's going to give a little bit of a
heal on Pucciarelli. Oh, please do. I need to
be at full health for this. Yes, because as it
went last time, while she had already used one
of her cure wounds, let's be clear about this
one. When Turkey kicked me in the face originally.
Yes. So back at the camp, she used her first
cure wounds to cure Pucciarelli. And now she's
going to use her final of two spell slots to
cure you one last time. She is actually going
to... loop around you to just behind you all
right and she's going to cast your wounds wow
so she definitely heals you up to full because
she actually rolled high and got a 17 uh does
that mean i get the extra no so the way dnd works
through regular healing you can only get back
up to full there are however spells uh and effects
that can give you either temporary hit points
Or up your hit point maximum. Okay. So if something
upped your hit point maximum, then your minimum
hit points would then be... The maximum. Now,
that new maximum. Yeah. Until the spell wore
off, which is usually an hour. Okay. Which is
definitely enough for a battle. Whereas temporary
hit points are something that you get that's
a separate pool. They're like black hearts in
Binding of Isaac. Okay. When they're gone, they're
just gone. Yeah. And you can only have them from
one source. So if a source gave you four temporary
hit points and you didn't lose them, and then
a new source would give you six, it would just
be reset to six. Oh, okay. Okay, I got you. But
that's just a little D &D rules lore. All right.
Which may or may not still be fully accurate
because we're playing the 2014 Legacy Edition
and not the new 2024, except... that I granted
you the cleave ability. Yes. Because it was rad,
and that was something I really liked from 2024's
new rules, so it's in here. He's already attempted
to cleave once. Maybe he could try to cleave
again. I thought I didn't cleave. You attempted
to cleave, but you fully missed the second goblin.
Oh, yeah, that's right. No, I barely hit the
second goblin, to where no damage was caused.
I cut through the first one and just... Yeah,
you whiffed the attack on the second one. Yes,
that's how it works. That's how armor class works.
So, Lyra has now used her final spell slot to
give you a sweet little cure. You're back up
to full. She's only down by one, so hopefully
that'll be okay for her. She doesn't have any
bonus actions other than as she's healing you,
she whispers gently behind your ear, Let's finish
it, Picharelli. We're going to. Don't worry.
As you feel the... See, I was going to say it's
like you feel a slight spray of her saliva from
it, but when you pull back, you just realize
it's blood from earlier. Yeah, yeah. Kind of
shedding. Yeah, so that is her turn. Next is
we got turkey. What are you doing? We got turkey.
Something I'm going to grant you is the ability,
because you rolled so highly on your animal handling
upon first interacting with Turkey, I think.
Didn't you roll a crit for that? Yeah. I got
perfect on every time I tried to handle him.
Yeah. Or her. Oh, yes. Remember, we won't know.
You did not check. Not an appropriate time to
check right now. Yeah, exactly. But before, you
could have looked at your... birds' genitalia
and tried to figure something out. It's got a
whatchamacallit. A thingamajig. What do birds
have? No, all birds have. Well, it's a cloaca,
but that's a butthole, not genitalia. That's
right. Well, they pee and poop out of it. Yeah.
Do you poop out of your dick? No. Does a woman
poop out of her dick? No. Damn it. Okay, well,
whatever. We're not going to go into gender politics
here, okay? All axe beaks are valid. Oh, yes.
All axe beaks matter. But what I'm going to do
is because of that, I'm going to let you roll
an animal handling to see if Turkey will take
your command every turn. Okay. So each of her
turns, I need you to roll an animal handling
to see if you get to control her or if I do.
So it's a d20 plus three. All right, Turkey,
let's see what we got here. It's a nine. Or no,
it's a seven out of five. Yeah, no. So you don't
get to call it. What I'm going to say is that
Turkey just keeps eating. She's full of food.
He or she. We don't know. They need to say they.
They are full of food. And I think, yeah, I think
that kind of makes the most sense is that they
wouldn't move away. They wouldn't move toward
and they wouldn't take any action because they
are eating. All right. All right. Now, though,
now it's Pucciarelli's turn. Well, first off,
I have something to say to them, preferably the
big one. I'm going to rip out your insides, eviscerate
your stomach. fornicate with your skull, and
use your intestines as a condom. What? I'm going
to skull fuck you! And I light a smokestick as
I'm doing this. I'm gonna say that on Lyra's
next attack, she gets disadvantage. Because of
just how... Brutish that was. Scared she got
in that moment. She kind of shakes and she shivers.
Do you look back at her? No, I'm focused. Okay.
I have to stay focused on this. Something may
or may not have happened behind you and you have
no idea. I'm just going to say that. Oh, shit.
You have no idea. She pooped herself. She may
have dropped something. So, it is now Pucciarelli's
turn. She dropped her loot. Shit. All right,
so now what are you going to do, Pucciarelli?
How many spaces am I in between them? You can
move six, so that's like one, two, three, four.
I mean, you're on them like blue bottom. No one
else has moved in, and I can't go in by myself
because if I do that, I'm going to be in a lot
of trouble. Yeah, if you wanted to play defensively,
remember you do also have your sets of hand axes
you can try throwing, too. Well, you get one
throw, but still. Yeah, I get one throw. I mean,
you get one throw per turn. How far can I throw
my hand axes? Can they go six? Let me just see
your sheet real quick. I'll look at it. 20, 60.
Yeah, no, you need to throw them between 20 to
60 feet. Okay. And so, like, it's like one, two,
three, four, five, six. So they're, like, in
the perfect range. All right, cool. Well, I'm
going to take out a hand axe, and I'm going to
aim this at Wheezy's little fucking ass. Okay,
you want to aim at Wheezy. Do you want to move
at all, like laterally, or do you want to stay
in your same position? I want to try to line
up the shot. I want to try to line up perfectly.
Do you want to go two over? Yeah, go two over
so it's more... Yep. Now, that does nothing mechanically,
but in the soul of the game, in the theater of
the mind. I want to be... You want to have a
good shot. A sniper always wants the straightest
shot. Yeah, there you go. All right. So I'm not
going to waste. I mean, this is how I'm playing
this action. I hit and I can kill with a thrown
hand axe. I know what I'm doing next. If I miss,
I also know what I'm doing. I have a plan. Yeah,
that's called. playing Dungeons and Dragons.
I'm not expressing my plan to you yet. Yeah,
no, you don't. You tell me what you're doing
currently in the moment. Alright, here we go.
I'm taking the handaxe. You are chucking a handaxe
at Wheezy. Yep, I'm taking aim. It's a d20. Come
on. d20 plus your... Isn't that... Yes. Oh, so
it's a d20 plus 4. Yes. 14. Well, as you chuck
your axe toward Wheezy... It sails just slightly
above his head, cutting the strap of his quiver
off, but you notice Gitzog is a very... He's
studious as a battlemaster, and he catches his
subordinate's quiver and puts it back into his
hand and says, Keep it together, Weezy! We got
a goblin, or a goblin killer to kill! Well...
I kind of was hoping I missed this, by the way.
Your hand axe... Thunks in the stream. No. Oh,
no. As it's flying back, it lodges itself in
the ass of a badger. And the badger squealches
and runs off toward a nearby stream. Oh, why
couldn't it have just killed the damn thing?
And there goes your hand axe. One of the most.
Yeah, damn it. Oh, well. You maybe only had,
I don't know, three or four? Yeah. We'll find
the badger after this. Okay. Well, I guess there's
nothing else I can do right now. Try me. I dare
you. Okay, how do you set up that stance? I need
to take a defensive position stance right now,
so I'm going to stand out, great axe out. Well,
you know what I mean. You know what I'm trying
to do, right? Axe is like, I don't know. So you're
weapon posing. Yeah, like I'm trying. So I'm
taking up a defensive position. That way I can
block and parry. I just want to. You don't have
one. Yeah. Yeah. Taking a defensive position.
No, I just in my head. I just saw it as like
you holding your hands out, spread your legs.
So you're like exposing your genitalia. And then
you just have your axe in your right hand, and
then you just bring it, and you just clap your
chest a few times before bringing the axe back
out. Oh, no. That was my first thought. Oh, no,
no, no, no, no. You'll see. No, you're not being
a pretty boy. You're just humming up for battle.
Yeah. Oh, no, you'll see what's happening. Yeah,
defensive positioning, and that will end my actions.
Okay. Shit in your pants over there, goblin.
You say as you smell the recently released shit
of... Schnauz and Flubbly and Gorbles. No, it
was Schnauz and... Oh, yeah, can you remember?
Schnauz had the nose. Oh, and then there was
the drummer one. I forget what they called the
drummer. I forget what we called the drummer.
So the drummer was Blinky. Blinky, Schnauz, and
Wheezy. And Snaggletooth. Oh, and Snaggletooth,
yeah. Yeah. I have his teeth in a jar. I'll have
his teeth in a jar. And Schnauz, his nose will
be pickled. His nose is going to be pickled.
And I have the drum. Yep, you do have the drum.
All right. All right, bring it on. Let's see
what you idiots got. So, Wheezy here will take
up a familiar position, utilizing, I think, what
did I say? I think I said half cover. Yeah, he
was like half covered. His dome is exposed. Yeah,
so, and a bit of his breast. The important part
is exposed. The head. Who's he attacking? See,
that's the question, because I think Turkey has
no reason to go for... Turkey's eating his friend!
Well, yeah, but he's not an immediate threat
at the moment. Lyra's pretty far back, and she's
trying to be a little bit more inconspicuous.
So, I mean, I would assume he would just go for
the guy that just threw a freaking hand axe at
him. Yeah. Oh, I'm fucked. Yeah, see, I knew
this was the episode. Oh, man. So Wheezy just
crit. I'm a guy. I'm dead. You took ten damage.
Six. I'm down to six. I ain't got nothing to
heal myself with. Yeah. So he catches you. I'm
going to say with that amount of damage, he's
going to catch you in a bit of a gap in your
armor pieces, and he gets you, like, right near
the taint. So he gets you in, like, the Bumble
region. So it misses the Ghibli bits, though,
right? It misses the Ghibli bits and hits you
in the Bumble region. All right. Damn, I thought
that was almost a killing blow in the Bumble
region. Yeah. If it would have been in the Ghiblis,
it would have been real bad. Yeah, so Wheezy
cheers out. Yeah, I got the bastard! You're going
to regret that. Gitzog just laughs. Keep on laughing.
It's Gitzog's turn now. All right, so Gitzog,
and he's actually... Uh -oh. No, he hops over
here. Yeah, that's what he does. All right, so
he has a technique that I'm going to tell you
about here in a second. All right. So he goes
one, two, because he's smart enough to move diagonally,
three. He's going to stop right here, and this
is where you see him grind his teeth a little
bit, working himself up. He takes this rock,
this painted rock he has in his hand, and he
gives it a little kiss, and then he puts his
head down, and he does what we are calling the
Chompin' Charge. As an action, Gitzog bites down
on a piece of wood or metal in his mouth. He
has like a strap from his helmet, and then he
charges in a straight line up to 20 feet. Each
creature in his path must make a DC 12 dexterity
saving throw or take a bunch of... Bludgeoning
damage. Oh, so if I don't get this, I'm dead.
No, he's actually pulling a power move on you,
and he's charging straight into Lyra. Oh, crap.
Because he did just see Lyra heal you. Oh, shit.
So he goes by the age -old MMO rule, kill the
healer first. Yeah. So she needs to make a DC
12 dex saving throw, and she... Her dex should
be pretty high. Yeah, she has a plus four. Oh,
good. And she rolls a 13. So she's 17, so she
avoids that. No, no, she rolled a total of 13.
But that beats a DC 12. Oh. Oh, yeah. Okay, so
actually what ends up happening is she makes
her saving throw, but he actually, since he misses,
he keeps going to the side of her. Part of his
ability is if he hits a solid object like a tree
or a wall, he stops and takes 1d6 damage and
falls prone himself. So Lyra just accidentally
did 6 damage to Gitzel by making her DC throw.
Her dex saving throw. And he is actually prone.
He goes, ah, shit, and falls to the ground. All
right. And he, shoot, how far did he move? One,
two, three. And then he charged. I'm going to
say he actually uses the other half of his movement.
Stand back up. To stand back up. All right. So
I believe that's how not prone works. It uses
half your speed for you to get back up. So that
means he couldn't move around or anything. Okay,
so now we're back. It's, weirdly enough, it's
Lyra's turn. Now, Lyra used up her spell slots,
and she could do her one, the Vicious Moggery
cantrip. To remind you, you unleash a string
of insults laced with subtle enchantments at
one creature. You can see her here within range,
within 60 feet. Target must succeed on a saving
throw or take 1d6 psychic damage and have that
disadvantage on the next attack roll it makes
before the end of its next turn. So that's just
d6. It's a wisdom saving throw. I feel like she
should use her Vicious Mockery. Yeah, that disadvantage
was really helpful last time. Yeah, and with
Wheezy getting these fucking crits. Yeah, Wheezy's
just a critting old boy. Oh, yeah, he misses
his saving throw against her Vicious Mockery,
so she deals... What, one? One damage. One damage.
Of course. Which is the second time she's dealt
one damage with Vicious Mockery. But he does
have disadvantage on his next attack. She can't
move fully away, but I think as she, as part
of a piece of lore from the last, from Gitzog's
turn as well, when she bolts him into that tree,
she moves over to here. She doesn't provoke an
opportunity attack because she stays in his aura,
but he is standing right there. And it is now
Turkey's turn. roll this 20 to see if uh yeah
i want to see my amp it's a 20 plus 3 oh dirty
20 we got a dirty 20 that definitely beats the
dc i had in mind and you get to tell turkey now
i would assume at this point she uh they have
seen the tree next to them get shaken up they've
noticed uh the crit against you from wheezy and
they've noticed gets all charged right past because
you rolled so well i'm gonna let you decide what
is turkey's target turkey's targets wheezy wheezy
yeah okay because they crit you more than yep
okay so when i bond with these animals they bond
with me and they they realize they we form we
are family we are brothers and sisters in arms
and we fight Is that what you say to Turkey?
Yes. Okay. So they've got a pretty decent path
here because it's one, two, three, four, and
I think they had 50 feet of movement. All right.
What are my axe beaks attacks? Well, I get to
do the attack. Okay. Okay. So Turkey whiffs the
shot, but has definitely ruffled Wheezy's non
-feathery skin. All right. So that is Turkey's
turn. We are now up to the 6 HP Pucciarelli.
Well, being as it might be my time to go, no
better way than to go out. I plant my greataxe
into the ground real quick, but I shove the handle
into the ground. Oh, yeah. You got to do your
thing. Yeah. Now, picture this for our fans out
there who listen to metal and the hardcore metal
scene. Picture what Pucciarelli is saying as
he is pounding on his chest. to enter his berserk
mode is the beginning lyrics to Slaughter to
Prevail's Viking. Okay. And he's just repeating
that over and over again because he knows that
if he's gonna go out, he's going berserk. Berserker.
Would you like to suck my cock, berserker? Would
you like to making fuck, berserker? My love.
Okay, so Pucciarelli has entered rage mode. Just
as a reminder, this means you have resistance
to bludgeoning, piercing, and slashing damage,
so all weapon damage. I'm assuming the side effect
is I'm going to bleed out faster. So technically
what we should have had you do... technically
you should have entered rage before, because
then you would have taken half damage from that
attack. Yeah, oh well. I figured. For dramatic
effect, I did it this way. It is the way it is,
and to be quite frank, that did make it way more
dramatic, that you took that horrible damage,
you took a bolt into the grundle, and then you
became the Hulk. Yes. So you get resistance to
all the weapon damage. When you make an attack
using strength, which is how you do with an axe,
you gain a bonus to the damage that increases
as you gain levels as a barbarian. So it's written
down in there somewhere how much damage you do.
You also have advantage on strength checks and
strength saving throws. And it basically just
lasts until you want to end it. Because it lasts
until the end of your next turn. But then every
bonus action you get, you reactivate your rage.
Or you, if you do damage. So I get plus to what
strength? You get advantage on strength checks,
strength saving throws. But then you can just
get extra damage when you're doing rage. Oh,
and I had 20 hand axes, by the way. Oh, okay.
That's good. In a little pooch. Yeah, okay. That's
what they call you, poocherelly. Very funny.
But, okay, yeah. So I am in berserk rage mode,
and being that Turkey is tasked with taking on
Wheezy, and I had to watch my partner almost
get run over by that big green bastard, but lucky
for her and unlucky for him is she's nimble on
her feet, and he's an idiot. So yeah, as he's
dazed and confused, I wonder if he notices what
is going on. And if he does notice, I hope he's
shitting his pants. Okay. Pucciarelli has entered
a rage. Yes, I have. What is Pucciarelli going
to do? Well, I already know that I've sent Turkey
to go and deal with the little pissant. And I'm
focusing my attention on the one who tried to
kill my partner. Uh -huh, but instead ran into
a tree. Yeah. He's rubbing his little noggin
over there. Does he realize what I've just done?
He heard it. Is he at all intimidated? He's rubbing
his noggin. He should be. Scared. He probably
has a concussion, so it's probably difficult
for him to hear things. Okay. I'm just going
to saunter up to him and just swing. All right.
How do you want to come at him? Turn around and
straight forward at him. You just want to go
with the one over? Yeah. All right. Oh, please
let me quit. Please let me kill. All right. All
right. Attack him. Attack him, boy. We're attacking.
16 plus. That's a dirty 20. All right. We got
a dirty 20 here. How much damage is Pucciarelli
going to do? So that's... One D12. D12 plus two.
Plus two, plus two. Yes. So one D12 plus four.
You got a chance to kill him here, big boy. Yeah,
maybe I should have had you fight. Maybe there
should have been more goblins coming in here,
but this is what we got. Eight. Ah, ah. So he
is still alive. He's missing a limb, though.
He's not looking great. No, he's missing a bit
of shoulder meat, but his arm's still moving,
and he screams out, Gah! That was my favorite
shoulder! You're gonna pay for this! I'd like
to, Macy. You make me pay. My promise from the
beginning of the battle still stands. Wheezy,
make him pay! Wheezy's dealing with another friend
of mine. Alright, so Wheezy... I'm trying to
think what Wheezy would do here. Because he's
gotta be terrified that there's a giant fucking
axe beak in his face. Yeah, I'm going to actually
say that I'm going to have the goblin here make
an acrobatics check. What's his acrobatics level
at right now? This is going to be a plus two.
Oh, I'm going to give myself. I'm going to say
this is DC 14. He is attempting to jump through
the wreckage of the caravan, attempting to hop
through to get by to get to the other side. Okay.
Well, he rolls a 19 plus two, bringing him to
a 21. So, the thing is, though, this is for him
to get... Thank you. This is for him to get through
it. But Turkey still gets an opportunity attack.
Oh, okay. Turkey totally gets a hit on the goblin's
little legs as he's jumping through. Can it survive
a bit of a beak chomp from Turkey? Ho -ho! So
here's a funny little tidbit for you. Looking
very nimbly and bimbly, Wheezy attempts to jump
up and through the mass of the caravan to attempt
to get away from Turkey and get out to the other
side. Turkey, however, grabs Wheezy by the leg.
Oh, like a T -Rex! Ripping Wheezy back out of
the caravan, throwing him to the ground and beaking
right through his sweet... precious little aorta
wheezy is dead and turkey has another snack and
i'm gonna say that turkey is going to be eating
and if you want to use turkey again to help here
i have to roll you're gonna have to roll good
to get turkey away from their meal all right
but that's the goblin's turn the goblin died
on a turn yeah the goblin just got killed on
his own turn But who would have known? Wheezy
is dead. Yeah, but that leads us on to Gitzog's
turn. Yeah, with basically half an arm. Well,
he just lost some shoulder meat, okay? Yeah,
and you realize what ligaments and shit are in
your shoulder? Your rotator cuff is there. He
ain't using that arm for much right now. He's
disabled. You're making fun of a disabled veteran,
Michael. What? Yeah, exactly. All right, I'm
going to roll a C. Okay, his chomp and charge
ability did not recharge. So he can't do it.
And I'm going to say, yeah, he's just going to
get up. He's going to turn around. He's going
to come in this way, trying to distance himself
from you. And, well, no. You know what? The way
these guys are, he went for your, you know, you
went for his shoulder meat. He'll just stay where
he is. And, yeah, he's going to attack you. All
right. So first he comes in with his chompy bite,
getting a 13. I have a 15 armor class. That is
a miss. So he goes to bite down on you, but not
being completely used to his mismatched waiting
because of all the shoulder meat that he's missing,
he miscalculates the incoming bite, and he just
chomps air. After doing that, though, his arm
comes swinging around with his little bitty short
sword, and he crits. Oh, well. I got two crits.
Yep. Okay, so that's with the short sword. This
is halved, right? Let's see. Five damage. I have
one HP left. Yeah. I'm still in a rage, so all
I'm doing is laughing. Okay, that is Gitzog's
turn. All right, Lyra's up. Lyra is up, and I'm
going to say... More Vicious Mockery? Or is she
going to try her... I think she's not feeling
too up and open on that. She's going to try hand
-to -hand combat. So I think she's a little bit
peeved. She's a little bit miffed. And she pulls
out her rapier. And her swing goes wide. Damn
it, Lyra. And she goes, ah, we're going to die
here. Well, I am, but I'm okay with it. Damn
this man. It's okay. Turkey, you can stay eating.
Pujarelli, you can finish it. Okay, so Turkey's
turn. You're not going to try to call Turkey?
Yeah, I'm calling Turkey. Okay. I've got a DC
in mind. It's raised since the last time because
now he's eating a fresh kill. They are. 16 plus...
Three, you said? No, whatever theirs is, yeah.
Oh, it's my animal handling? Yeah, 16 plus...
Yeah, three is a 19. Okay. Your words seem to
get through to Turkey. What do you want to command?
Turkey, attack. Turkey, get him. Sick him? Sick
him. All right, so it's difficult to get Turkey
to face away from their fresh new meal with the
bloodlust within, but Turkey is a loyal, loyal
companion and does have the amount of movement
to make it. To right behind him. And now it's
another D20 roll for attack. Well, that'd be
mean, I think. All right, Turkey. Yeah, with
an 11, does not hit, but definitely gets them
all miffle -tiffle. We're all going to fucking
die. Well, it's funny you say that, because it's
your turn. All right. Again, we're swinging that
axe. Swinging long and swinging hard. Swinging
long, swinging hard, swinging for kill. A nat
20! With a critical hit, it is nigh on impossible
for you to not kill him, but... Let's get that
roll in anyway. Let's see how well you... So
it's 2d12 plus... It's 2d12. It's 2d12. Plus
4. Plus 4. 12. 12 plus... No, it's 8 plus 4.
Yes, I know. 12 plus... 10. No, no, no. You get
the plus 4 once. Oh, so 18 damage right there.
Oh, no, 16 damage. 16 damage. Yeah. No way. 12
plus 6 is 18. Yeah. So you actually... Killed
him in such a fashion that even if there was
a healer around, they couldn't bring him back.
And here's how it happened. Okay. Since he was
facing Turkey. Yes, he did turn toward Turkey.
And I'm in rage mode and berserk. He's berserk.
I turned my axe around to the blunt end and I
swung it so hard that when I hit him in the back
of the head. His skull flew out from the front
of his face. Whoa, you broke it. Is this like
some sort of dwarven barbarian special ritual?
Because you reverse ruptured his skull skin.
Yeah, yeah. I hit him in the back of the head
so hard. It severed. The force severed the spinal
column in the neck, the head from the spinal
column, and just soared it through. the flesh
and the muscle that was his face. So all that
is left is a whole, like, the whole, like, have
you ever seen the horror movies that you see
when somebody, like, is missing? Like, they show,
like, somebody's skull getting ripped out of
the face, looks all droopy, and, like, it's just
meat hanging down, or, like, they're missing
the front of their skull or something like that.
It's just meat hanging down. That's what it looks
like, except there's those, like, shredded, it's
a shredded hole of meat with the skull just...
playfully skipping across the ground because
I hate it so hard. This is why you should have
stayed in church. All that metal music's got
you just riled up. But fine. Boss Goblin is dead.
Oh, it is very dead. And I go to claim what I
came for. Okay, well, first, as Gitzog's corpse
falls, Turkey standing nearby, but having had
no success this round. looks at the corpse of
Gitzong, and then looks back up at you. Do you
allow Turkey to also dine on this goblin, or
do you claim this goblin as your own? You don't
have to eat it. Turkey, I've got something better
in store for you. If you want to eat this goblin,
you may, but once I go and fetch that skull over
there, there's a nice little treat inside for
you that you can have. Are you going to give
him some brain? Yep. Turkey's going to get some
goblin brain. cool i think this means if turkey's
gonna stick around turkey gotta level up hell
yeah level that bitch up uh like a monster really
can't get leveled up but i'll figure out a cool
well you know what i think i think this is my
party from until from now on in perpetuity like
i think even when we break even if even when
the caravan's like i think turkey comes with
me even after i'm done with this quest yeah i
think what i think what's gonna end up happening
here is i'm gonna figure out like a little like
a almost like a talent tree thing for turkey
and i think i'm gonna let you pick like little
abilities for turkey at some point also you might
end up seeing cali cali didn't show up for this
one nope but i will say i think If you look out
into the edge of the woods, you do see a set
of eyes peering at you in what may seem like
approval of your hunting. And then the eyes disappear.
Yeah. Oh, by the way. Ow. Yeah, you're going
to want to set up camp here. Yeah. All right.
So I'm going to say you can give them the goblin
stew. Goblin brain stew. The corpses are over
here. I'm going to say turkey is nestled, nested
up over here. Eating the corpses. And then if
the two of you, and you could have done whatever
you wanted with the skull, made your sweet skull
trophy. But I still had to clean out the brains
for a treat for turkey. And if you want to make
sure you write these two down, what do you take
from Wheezy? What did he have on him besides
his bow? He had the crossbow and just, you know,
tattered clothing and whatnot. Leave it. I will
say I will grant you one health potion. Now,
I'm going to tell you, you don't want to drink
that now because you're going to get a long rest
again. Yeah. So we're going to heal you up that
way. But I'm going to give you a health potion,
partially because Wheezy was in such a predicament
and got killed so quickly. They did not have
a chance to try to use it. And that is your sweet
little reward. Alright, I get that from his body.
What's left? Oh, you've got your teeth. Unless
you want the whole bottom half of the skull.
Oh, I'm taking the whole skull. Okay, skull with
teeth. I'll say that you did some sort of thatching
to keep those teeth connected to the skull. Yeah.
Post -mortem. Maybe you leave the rest of the
teeth and just take. The big chomper in the front?
Yeah, but I want the whole skull. Yeah. Skull
and teeth. Big chomper. Well, that was a great
battle. Hey, Lyra. What's that, Poocher Man?
I did kind of embarrassing. I need you to patch
me up. You saw where that first arrow went, right?
I didn't actually see. I was behind you. Ah,
well. I'm bleeding from the taint, if you wouldn't
mind helping. Oh, my word. I'm going to bleed
out if you don't help. She grows slightly faint,
but you see her put on... She pulls out what
appears to be a handkerchief that somebody will
wear if they're robbing a bank. Yeah. She pulls
out one of those and puts it across her mouth
and nose. Okay, I can understand that. And then
she starts to peel out your grundle from your
armor. Thank you, Owl. Thank you, Owl. Owl. She
asks you as she's working, tell me, Pucciarelli,
what color was your favorite rock in the dwarf
hole you lived in? Uh, well, I guess black. As
you're saying that, you feel a rip and a tear
as she pulls out the rest of the bolt. Ah, the
fucker! Thank you. And then she patches you down
and is like, black rock? That sounds nice. Did
you name it? No. Okay. I will say that asking
a dwarf about his rocks is sort of like a...
Taboo. A stereotype, I'll just say. But you fed
into it and it's fine, but you were injured.
You needed help. Exactly. Uh, so? Thank you.
Yeah, she gets you healed up. I'm going to say
this is like super long rest. So I'm back to
full. And I'm going to say, yeah, everybody's
back to full. Oh, thank you. And I'm going to
give you back all of your hit dice because we're
not going to go into any of that. And. So you
have, as the stage is set, you have a little
campfire. Remember, we burnt, we were lighting
the whole thing on fire. Yeah. Well, yeah. Okay.
So then your fire, you're sitting around as a
bonfire. Yep. Here with that. And we've still
gone about with my plan of strewing the guts
about to make it so no one else wants to. Try
to come into this area. If you please. I mean,
that might attract predators, but... But I made
friends with Callie, so I mean... Yeah, Callie
could be on the hunt around you. She's going
to tell all the rest of the... Yeah, the whole
rest of the... She's going to tell the rest of
the wolves, hey, he's cool. Yeah, but I mean,
there could be like a beholder out there or something.
You don't know. True. All right, well, okay.
So we do not festoon the place with the entrails
of the fallen. We just let Turkey eat them. All
right. So as you're sitting across from the fire...
Yeah. Sitting there and relaxing. Trying to with
how much it hurts to sit. You see her ruminating
over that piece of ripped cloth that you guys
saw earlier. With a symbol? Yeah. She's just
kind of holding it and staring. Sort of wistful.
Alright, I think enough time has passed. Do you
mind telling me what this is all about and what
that is all about? Well, there's someone that
I used to know. Okay. And... We've all known
somebody at some point in time. I'm wondering
if what's happening here could have something
to do with him. Is it just... one him, or does
he have a group? Does... It's a man with a group.
Are these just men, or do we have to worry about
other things? Well, what has me worried... Oh,
I can tell you what has me worried. What I can
tell you that has me worried is that I know that
he had goblins that worked for him. You think
we just killed his boys. Somebody connected with
them, maybe. I mean, to be fair, they weren't
that bright. No, he does like to find people
that are easily controlled. That's actually why
I came into this area, because I was looking
for... Well, this group of goblins sounded like
one of the groups that he might have been working
with, and I was trying to suss out if they were
here, and it seems that they are. Alright. That
explains one thing. What I don't understand is
why none of your old partners ever came back
with you. Well, these woods are dangerous, Bucciarelli.
You, I went down once. You almost went down a
few times. Lucky shots. Lucky shots. Lucky shot
in the grundle. Oh, yeah. We've all taken one
now and again. We know there are wolves out here
because I've befriended one. Oh, you did? Yes.
You never said anything about that. I didn't
think it was important at the time. We were in
the heat of battle. And for the most part, while
you were awake, I've been sleeping while you
were sleeping. I've been awake, so... Yes. I
befriended a wolf out here, and now we have good
old Turkey, who seems to have, you know, become
very fond of the both of us. Me especially. Nothing
against you. But you are holding a bird, and
that technically counts as food. Right. She says
that she's... Finished plucking the feathers
from Shotbird. Yes! And now is putting it onto
the spit for the eating. Yes. She allows you...
Glad we cleaned all the seasoning out of here.
As the Shotbird finishes cooking, Lyra offers
to you first choice at which part you like. Will
he go for the breast? The most juicy and succulent
portion? Or will he go for the nice handheld
thigh? Maybe, maybe the leg. How about this,
Lyra? We both have fought hard. How about we
spatchcock this thing? I forget what that means.
Splitting it evenly straight down the middle
so we each get half a breast. Aww. Each get a
wing, each get a thigh. It's like she's... You've
held your own. You've proven that you can hold
your own in a fierce, bloody battle, even though
it seems to... My vernacular doesn't seem to
sit right with you in the midst of said battle.
I was a bit shocked, Pucciarelli. I was a bit
shocked. Hey, it's all about shock value. If
you can get them off their game, a fight is much
easier to win. It's not cheating. That's how
some of my enchantments work. Exactly. While
yours enchant and yours sway the mind, mine just
terrify people. And sway the blood. Yes. Okay.
So as you eat your sweet bird meat and Turkey
eats their sweet goblin meat. Ooh, Turkey. Ah,
what do you present? Cooked goblin brains. Oh,
you saved a little bit of brain? Oh, well, no.
Remember, you gave Turkey the brain. Oh, yeah.
Yeah, I saved a little bit of the goblin brain
to cook, see if she liked it cooked or raw. See
which one she liked better. Here you go. Cooked
goblin brain. I think they preferred squishy.
Oh, okay. She still eats it though, right? Yeah.
Okay, good. This bird is a very hungry bird.
I mean, I will say they've eaten quite a lot
of goblins today. Yes, they have. Hopefully it
doesn't become an addiction. Yeah. Axe beaks
are rather large, if I will say. Well, they're
literally in the large class. Large beast. It
says large beast unaligned. I would say now they're
aligned. Oh, yeah. With Pucharelli. All right.
Is there anything else that you would want to
bring up by the bonfire? Oh, I... You know, obviously
our friend Marlow seems to be a bit slow when
I was asking him about certain things that happen
in this area, and I wanted to know about certain
things coinciding with the full moon, and he
seemed to make a joke about a woman's time of
the month, which got under my skin. What I was
trying to get him to answer me without saying
it in a public area, but now since we're out
here and it's just the two of us, I didn't want
to throw the word lycanthrope around. Are we
under any potential threat from werewolves? if
this coincides with a full moon. I don't think
a werewolf has been spotted in this area for
decades. I think since, oh, since that one saint
drove them out of the area. I can't remember
his name. I was never much for history. I hope
you're right, because Kali's pack leader is a
very rather large dire wolf. Yeah, dire wolf
could just mean dire wolf. It is possible. It
is possible, yes, but this, I've seen my fair
share of dire wolves, and this is bigger. than
your average dire wolf. Just wanting to, one,
keep you on your toes. So hopefully Callie, by
the way, I named her Callie. That is my wolf
companion. Hopefully she has registered with
her pack that we're cool, that we're good, that
we are not threats, nor are we food. Okay. So
after saying that, I will say Lyra goes to the
fire, dries out some sweet morsels of the meat.
puts them in a little pouch, and then throws
them to you and says, next time for Callie, next
time you see her. Oh, thank you very much. This
will be nice. Yeah, and then she... Monkers down
from bed. I think she's actually going to pass
by you and sleep on the opposite side of where
the bodies are. And I'm going to stay up and
just keep watch. Okay. I have to. So you are
up in the area. Yep. What do you do? I, well,
smoke a smoke stick. Smoke a smoke stick? Okay.
I'm going to eat a meat stick. All right. And
I'm just going to keep... I'm going to do my
best to keep my mind clear so I have a better
chance at hearing something approaching. Okay.
I want to be as quiet as humanly possible. I'm
going to be super nice to you here. Okay. And
I'm going to say that Callie comes up. Yay, puppy!
So, Callie comes up to this... I wish I had a...
Well, I'll use this percentile to die. So that's
Callie. Yay. They're a 70. I would assume you
walk over. Yes. And what you notice, Callie is
inspecting the area in which you did battle with
Gitzog. Yep. You give her little scritches, I
would assume. Oh, yeah. She definitely gets the
scritches and the pats. And as she is sniffing
the area, you see something on the ground that
Callie has found. Oh. And... When you see it,
you notice that it looks like the manifest that
had been in the caravan that Lyra was looking
at. Okay. You'll recall when you said your skull
-fucking introduction. She seemed perturbed,
and it seems like she reacted in a way. Yeah.
As dungeon master, I did not know how else to
express it, but I said that she may have dropped
something. You thought it was her loot, but she
had a strong hold on her loot. What had fallen
out of her pocket was the manifest. Now, this
is outside of the actual canon that you're seeing.
I'm going to hand you two things, but it's actually
just one thing. I wrote it out in cursive, and
then parts of it were kind of hard to read, and
it didn't have the bottom thing on it. So it
looks like this. But this is your translation
of what's on it. Ah, okay. So this is what you
see first, and then the bottom part is the translation
for it. But it's all one thing. Okay, yep, I
got you. So out of her pocket, this is what fell.
It is a piece of a parchment, what seems to be
a letter. And, Michael, could you read off, could
Pucciarelli, in his mind, read off what it says?
As a right scoundrel, that mean I hope you found
the artifact, the out among our friend. or you're
out among your travels, that commands loyalty.
There is a betrayer among you. And who wrote
that letter? Looks like it says Bruce. Bruce.
I'll give you the hint that you haven't met or
seen or heard of a Bruce yet. So that is a new
name to you. What an odd name. Yes. So what you
now realize is that she lied about what that
said. She said it was a manifest and she put
it in her pocket. This is a warning. But she
dropped it. It is a warning from a man named
Bruce. So it mentions an artifact and it mentions
a betrayer from Bruce. Am I stealthy enough to
get this back on her person without her noticing?
Well, I mean, it dropped there. So you do also
have the capability to just put it back where
it came from and just bygones bygones because
you don't have it either. But you could try that.
No, I'm just going to... put it back where I
found it. I give Callie the dried meat that Lyra
gave for being a good girl and helping me find
this. This goes back to where it fell, and I
have to make it look like I didn't move at all
last night. Well, you hadn't gone to sleep. Well,
exactly, yeah. I have to make it look like I
sat there in the same fucking position. Okay,
so that is what I will ask. With Callie here,
will you maybe try to get some sleep, or will
you just stay up? It depends on how long Callie
wants to stay. Callie sits by the fire, sits
next to you, and does look to be alert, and she's
kind of staring out the way she came. All right.
I look at Callie. I just nod. I give her the
nod. She gives you the nuzzle. And I'm going
to lay down and get some rest. I got an axe beak
who's still eating. Yeah. They haven't stopped
eating. And then I have a wolf. I have two animals
here that are extremely loyal to me that if anything
is going to come within any perimeter of me,
that I will know. And if I don't know, then that
means that the animals did what the animals did
and fucked them up. Okay. So I'll just have you
do one last thing for me. All right. Roll a D20.
Am I adding anything to this? No. This is a straight
20 roll. Two. Okay, so when you wake up in the
morning. I've shat my pants. Lyra is up making
breakfast. Turkey has finally passed out from
eating too much. Full of goblin meat. Callie
is gone. By the way, how much goblin is still
left there? Okay, I'm going to say. Is there
enough to bring back with us or do we need a
dog? No, turkey does not like neck meat. So there
is like neck meat and fingers and toes. Bodies
are gone. Pretty much. Bones and all? Yeah, well,
the bones have been cracked and splintered. Oh,
she sucked the marrow from them. Yeah, marrow's
delicious. That's great. Wow. Okay, turkey. See,
she knows. She got the itis. They know they have
hollow bones, so they see marrow as a sweet treat.
Ah, yes. Something their body doesn't even produce.
I think. I think birds don't. Because birds have
hollow bones, but does that mean they don't have
any marrow as well? I think so. Yeah. We'll say
that. I mean, maybe there's a little marrow in
there, but she likes marrow. They like marrow.
Callie is gone. There is no apparent disturbance
to the camp. Nothing is awry, except what your
role tells me is that next to you, Callie left
really big, honking, stinkum, right next to you.
And afterwards, you will notice that the bodies
over there, it looks like Callie was teaching.
turkey how to get to the marrow because callie
also got a treat then there we go okay at least
she got a treat out of it but then left you a
honking stinkum pile that you you have you have
taken off your boots when you when putrelli sleeps
do they uh or are they wearing socks and if so
do they take them off in bed uh i mean if he's
anything like me he doesn't sleep with socks
on Okay, so then you go barefoot into the doggy
doo -doo. Well, it can wash off. I don't blame
her for it. Lyra says good morning to you, and
that is where we'll end it. It was close for
me. Yeah, you were down to... It got close. That
was the magnificent thing, is that both you and
Gitzog were at 1 HP. We both were. Yeah. And
then I end up doing 18 damage. And then you did
18 damage, which is more... Remember I told you
before, like, it was more than the amount of
health they had. Yeah. Because they had 16 health.
Yeah. So you did enough that you put them past
the capability of being normally resurrected.
They went straight past swoon, straight past
incapacitated into death. Like, missing all their
death -saving things. Oh, I wonder what his final
thoughts were as my hand... Probably of Ohio.
As the back of my... As the back of my axe connected
with the back of his skull. And then his skull
was just gone. Well, yeah. Well, I mean, his
brain was still intact, so as it was skipping
across the ground... He might have felt some
things. Yeah, he might have felt some things.
And then when Turkey ate his brain, he gained
a level. They gained a level. Yeah, turkey level
two. And like I said, yeah, I actually, I think
I'm going to, I'm probably going to keep like
basically the same stat blocks, but I think it's
going to be super fun. I'm going to let both
of your, I think I'm going to make a little skill
tree that I might share on the Windbreaker Media
Facebook page and stuff like that. Hell yeah.
I think I'm going to make a little skill tree
for them to follow on and I'm going to give you
choices. Okay. I'm going to let, also I should
say, next session, both you. Both Pucciarelli
and Lyra will level up as well. Yeah! So I'm
going to let you choose the first of your, well,
Turkey's abilities for sure. Kali is going to
get something, but Kali hasn't specifically joined
you in battle yet. So that'll come later. Yeah.
But Turkey is definitely gaining a skill. something
that you can do with them. I want to know how
Marlo... I can't wait to see what Marlo's reaction
to this is all going to be. You have been gone
a while, so Marlo is probably hunkered down like
it's the end of days, waiting for you guys to
come back. No, what I mean is, what is he going
to feel that I, one, not only brought the axe
beak back, but two, have tamed it in such a way
that now it is loyal to me. Yeah, you may have
just stolen his... He might be pissed off about
that. Yeah, we'll see. You better not cut my
fucking pay. Yeah, we'll see how everything goes.
You're going to have to pay a pet fee. Sweet,
sweet pet fee. But it was his axe beak to begin
with. Yeah, and you're trying to take it. I wasn't
trying. I just bonded with it. Pet fee. Oh, well,
yeah, and then you pay a dowry. I didn't marry
the fucking thing. That is waiting to be seen.
Okay, so I will ask, as a bit of a post -show
thing, what are your thoughts on that piece of
letter that you found? I'm really starting to
backtrack with Lyra again. Okay. So what do you
think that note was about? The fact that her
partners never return and she's always finding
a new partner. And no one has a real explanation.
Everybody just said... Marlow seems to like her.
Marlow likes her, but he also... And she had
a good reputation at the... At the tavern. At
the inn, yeah. But yeah, but here's the thing.
No one asked. Nobody. So you think like she's
some kind of a black widow. I think she might
be lying about whose crest that was. I think
it might be hers. Okay. I think that she's the
one who might be commanding the goblin hordes.
All right. So you think she's her own friend
in that sense? Well, yeah. I mean, how else would
she have been able to dodge Gitsog with such
grace when she couldn't even dodge? Wheezy's
arrow. Yeah, I mean, it's funny, because if you
can dodge a wrench, you can dodge a ball. If
you can dodge a charging goblin, you can dodge
an arrow. Yeah, okay. I don't know. Like I said,
I'm starting not to, like, the trust, the trust
was here. Yeah, after the healing and the near
death that you had to go through there, yeah,
you sort of were starting to get a bond, and
now... The trust was here, and now it's... Now
we're wondering again. Now we're wondering again,
but like you said, like, I don't know, it's...
It's a very messed up situation because when
you think about how they've taken this... Every
Fortnite that they do this journey... Oh, Fortnite?
Yeah, you said every Fortnite they make the...
Oh, no, it takes a Fortnite to make the journey.
They do this, what, every two, three months?
You have a good memory. Yeah. You also love talking
about Fortnite. Yeah, this whole... The trip
takes a Fortnite. They do it... About once every
two or three months. I don't know. I don't know
if it's Lyra that I'm going to be more concerned
about, or it could be Marlow, too. Okay. Marlow
is almost unnervingly happy. Ah, so you think
he's... He's sort of the plant. Yeah, I mean...
Like, in a storytelling sense, you're thinking
he's the character that you don't expect, and
he's the one who comes around to be... Yeah,
he's the evil bastard in the end. Okay. I mean,
because we did find one of his old caravan, and
I plainly asked him, have you ever lost anything?
And he lied. He told me no. You remember, he
said, nope, it's been flawed. Like, we've lost
men, but we've never... They did lose one other
axe beak. And they did, they lost one axe beak,
they lost some men, but he never said that they
lost cargo. Okay. And we found part of an old
caravan there. It looked similar to the one we
were with. So why would he lie when I asked him,
have you ever lost anything? And he tells me
a three -quarters truth. Why indeed. But all
of those mysteries are going to have to wait
until next time. Oh, yeah. So what are your final
thoughts in today's session? I'm glad that I
made it as dramatic as humanly possible. Yeah.
I'm glad it came down to the wire. A bit of a
close end almost. Yep. And like I said, to all
the metal fans out there, when Pucciarelli's
going into his rage mode, just listen to the
track Viking by Slaughter to Prevail. Like, the
beginning chant and mantra from that song, that's
what he's... That's what Pucciarelli's banging
his chest and getting fired up by saying. We
might have to get Pucciarelli some black and
white face paint for future battles. We're not
putting... Okay, well, okay, yeah, we could do
that. Okay, you're not allowed to do black face,
and technically you're also not allowed to do
white face. But if you did black and white face,
like the cookie... I think they call that corpse
making. I think they call that ebony and ivory,
living together with Lyra and... turkey in Cali
in harmony. We don't know if we're going to keep
living in harmony. You're all one big happy family.
For now. Until I figure some things out. Until
next time. If you enjoyed the stupidity you just
heard, why not subscribe or follow or just like
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at gmail .com all one word chat gpt and i appreciate
your support and constructive criticism wait
why am i not included in that see you all next
time the three of us appreciate you all