This time, on Mike vs. the Machine. It's like
you gave me an escape room to get through. Yeah,
and I'll say basically I asked ChatGPT to bring
me up to a prompt and then fill in some of the
details, and then I did some pre -planning, and
then I also did a decent amount of improv -ing
there. You see a couple of soda options. So it's
basically like a freestyle machine. Awesome.
And you see a couple of options appear in a row.
The one says beef fizz, and then it seems to
dispense some beverage. Then it switches flavors,
because this is a secret menu sort of drink recipe.
Yeah. The next one that pops out is pickle cola.
Yeah, I mean, you don't want to go outside. It's
dark out there. There's probably somebody out
there doing meth. I guess you're right. If it
is a defunct fast food chain, that's probably...
Yeah, exactly. So, you fall asleep, and thus
the sun sets on this little boy's greasy adventure.
In a world full of fear, and sometimes loathing,
of unfathomable technological advancements, there
stands one human hero. This is the Chronicle
of Mike versus the Machine. Welcome back, everyone.
Fellow sniffers out there. Yes, I'm calling our
fans sniffers. You'll get it. If you don't, then
we're looking up. Today's episode is about a
thing with some things and more things and hilarity.
I mean, hopefully on the last one, if not pity,
I'll take that. Not too proud. So here's the
thing. You know what we're going to start with?
What are we going to start with? A cold open.
All right. This cold open comes from your best
friend. Yeah. No. Is that GPT? Yes. I had them
start me on a little quest for you. But wait,
are we doing D &D? Cold open. Imagine you just
watch a commercial for Drain X and it reminded
you that you needed to clean out your pipes.
The commercial ends and now the feature presentation
starts. And across the screen you see in bright
gold letters the words The Golden Spork. And
then a narrator with a sweet saucy voice comes
on and gives you the narration a tacky but legendary
fast food relic is said to grant its wielder
v i p access to every secret menu item in existence
rumored to be hidden in the abandoned corporate
headquarters of a defunct burger chain The journey
would involve deciphering cryptic marketing slogans,
navigating a maze of creepy animatronics, and
solving puzzles based on outdated promotional
materials. The golden spork, and then there's
music, and, well, actually, I mean, I'm just
going to put in music in the edit. Okay. I don't
know if I need to describe this music. So I'm
essentially in our version of Five Nights at
Freddy's? No, no. So after the theme song plays,
we fade in. On quite the sight, Michael. You
wake up in the booth of a recently shut down
Mooby's Burger Joint. Fast food crumbs covering
your greasy body. Wrappers lying all around you.
Make sure you realize I wrote this. Oh, yeah.
No, I want you to know that I'm the one who put
in the notes of your greasy body. I mean, that's
what's going to happen after you eat several
cow tippers. Yeah. You have no memory of eating
any of that, though. And if you did, it was a
while ago, because you are now hungry. In the
corner stands a seven -foot -tall golden cow
mascot, breathing heavily as it watches you wake
up. Snoogins? So, you're waking up in a booth
of a defunct, well, recently shut down defunct
burger joint. Known as Moobies. surrounded by
food you don't remember eating and a hunger satiating
your belly. And there's a seven -foot -tall golden
cow mascot also just in the corner just making
a repetitive noise and watching. So what do you
do? Well, obviously I'm going to look around
to see if I'm the only person besides the giant
Mubi statue or animatronic or whatever the hell
it might possibly be in the corner with me. Okay,
so you look around. You see a sauce -stained
map on a table near you that may or may not lead
to something. I'm going to go check out the map.
Well, hold on. There's more in the room. All
right. Well, what else is there? Getting ahead
of your bridges. You'll also notice there's an
old intercom on the wall. Okay. That is producing
the sounds, the vague sounds that you had been
hearing as it crackles to life every few minutes,
playing a distorted jingle. You can't decipher.
There is also a pathway back toward the kitchen
and the offices, but on the outside of here,
there is a soda machine that has a flashing LED
screen, and there's also a plethora of Mubi mascot
posters where the eyes just don't look quite
right. Huh, okay, well, obviously I want to check
out the map, but since I just woke up and...
I might have a powerful hunger about me. I'm
probably going to have a powerful thirst about
me. I'm going to go check and see if I can get
some nice cold pop from the pop machine. Pop.
Note that it's called pop where we're from. If
you want to find us, that should lead you in
a certain direction. Yeah, I want to check and
see if there's some nice cold pop that I can
get. Or at least there's ice and some pop still
left in the machine that's still good. All right,
so you walk up to the soda machine. And you see
its LED screen flashing. Insert secret menu code
for refreshment. Bollocks. Okay, so I'm going
to go back and look at that map, and maybe it's
got something there on there for me. Okay. So
you head back toward the map, and you find a
crumpled, sauce -stained map on a table with
certain rooms circled in ketchup. There are some
other sauces across the map. Are there any numbers
on the map that, you know, could indicate? Because
I have a powerful thirst right now. No, you don't
find any numbers. The only text you find upon
the map says, Beware the Friar's Gambit. And
yes, it's written in that accent. Oh, didn't
know something written could have an accent.
Well, okay, let's see. So what rooms are circled
on this map that I see? There is the kitchen.
Okay. The break room. Okay. The dishwashing area.
The dining room is kind of grayed out. That's
going to be the starting area. I'm not expecting
anything to be here. I think I know what's going
on. I'm on a choose -your -own -adventure thing.
Maybe. Okay. So what do you do? I don't really
think... I'm not going to go anywhere near the
seven -foot mooby. That thing is kind of... you
know, giving me the heebie -jeebies. It continues
to stare. Yeah, I don't like it. I don't like
being stared at like that, you know, in a dark
corner in a musty old building. Like, yeah, no,
no. Its eyes glow a greasy yellow, and its mechanical
hoof gestures toward the door with a dramatic
hiss of compressed air. Yeah, I'm avoiding that
at all costs right now. You know what? I think
I'm going to check out where I feel would be
the safest place right now. I want to head back
and check out the break room, see if maybe I
can find this code, because I'm thirsty. So back
in the break room, you find a shrine made of
fry boxes, melted cheese, and a few strategically
placed fries. Above the shrine, there is a handwritten
sign that says, All hail the Greasefather! Once
again, that accent was also printed with it.
Greasefather, okay. All hail the Greasefather.
Is there anything else in the room that I should
know? Are there lockers? Are there cubbies? Everything
else has been meticulously cleaned out. All the
lockers are open and empty. You say there are
three fries in discerning places on this shrine.
Sure. I don't think I said a number, but yeah.
Let's say there's three, and they're strategically
placed across the shrine, made of fry boxes and
melted cheese. Okay, so three. I've got to remember
that number. So three. I want to inspect the
shrine closer. Okay. You see it's almost built
up sort of like a castle. There is an entrance,
two towers to each side with a pair of pets or
whatever, and there are three fries standing
in front of the doors. Of the doors, only one
is open. The middle one. The main entryway. I
kneel down to look inside the main entryway.
Within the main entryway, you see, tucked in
beneath there, a ketchup packet. I carefully
use my fingers to reach in and grab said ketchup
packet. Ah, so as you grab the ketchup packet,
you notice that you have pressed a secret button.
Uh, what did I do? Was that noise? So, as you
pull out from there, you see the noise was coming
from right by all the Fry Boys. And they light
up in sequence, and they say, Ding! Ding. To
three. Huh, okay. But I can't remove the ketchup
packet. Well, you picked up the ketchup packet,
and in picking it up, you hit the button. Is
there anything on the ketchup packet that I should
know? Anything, there's numbers or anything scribed
on it, like anything written, maybe a number,
a secret something, maybe a musical note. You
see the three symbols like for an internet connection
or like a service for your cell phone. Smallest,
middle, and highest in that order. Okay, so I
look at that and I remember how the three little
fry boys made the noise. So I have to rearrange
them. I'm going to rearrange them from ding to
ding to ding. And as you do that, a drawer opens
up in the small desk table that was sitting in
this break room. Inside the drawer is a greasy
key labeled office. I'll take the key. Okay.
All right. Is there anything left in the break
room other than the shrine and what I have just
done? That is all. Okay, so obviously I just
grabbed the key that goes to the office. So I'm
going to go, that's probably safest place number
two, because let's see, I still have the kitchen
and I still have the, did you say bathrooms?
No. So just kitchen left after break room? Kitchen
and dishwashing area. Okay, so I still have kitchen
and dishwashing area. So I'm going to take the
safe route and I'm going to go to the office.
I want to go unlock the office. With the amount
of grease that's on the key, it won't enter the
lock. To the dishwashing area we go. Okay. You
head to the dishwashing area and you see one
of these cool, badass sinks that we got at Wendy's
back when I worked there way a long time ago.
Oh, is it the thing where you pull the thing
down and it just does it all itself? Well, it's
a big jacuzzi sink. Oh, yeah. So you throw everything
in there and it agitates and you see this big
jacuzzi sink. And weirdly enough, the Jacuzzi
sink is currently running. You don't really seem
to see anything in it, but you do see it's full
of water. And there are plenty of suds in there,
and the suds are kind of purple. Okay, I'm going
to look around. I need to find a shutoff switch.
I need to find a shutoff switch, shutoff switch.
First, I look for a light switch to see if maybe
I can turn something on to where I can see a
little bit better. Oh, all the lights are on.
Okay. All the light switches are on, but there's
no lights. That's what I meant to say. Oh, yeah.
All the bulbs are broken. Got to find a source
of light. No, you don't. It's kind of like afternoon
going into evening dusk -ish. So I have a little
bit of sunlight left. So you can see enough.
All right. So I go up and inspect above the jacuzzi
sink area to see if I can find a shutoff switch.
Or something. Well, on those shelves there are
metal prep bowls and pans and there's like a
couple of coffee pots that it seems so unsafe
to store them right there because if somebody
accidentally knocked them in then your whole
jacuzzi sink's filled with glass. This is not
coming from real trauma. Anyway, just a bunch
of clean, pristinely clean dishes. And below
them you notice there was once a switch there.
But now the switch has been broken, and there's
a little thing next to it that says, You'll never
turn me off. Now I shall be clean. It's a jacuzzi
sink, so I can't stick my hands in there. I'll
burn my hand off. I mean, I used to go into those
bicep deep. All right, I gingerly reach into
the purple bubbly water to see if there's anything
of... concern or anything that could help me.
Oh, and I stick the key in with it. Thank you.
That was going to be my next question. I stick
my hand with the key in there, one, to wash the
key, and two, to see if I can find anything in
there. See, funny thing is, I put the coffee
pot talk in there as a bit of a red herring,
because no, there's no glass inside of this jacuzzi
sink, thankfully. Okay, good. But I was also
attempting to test your former food worker knowledge.
because purple, at least at my Wendy's, was the
color of a particular type of cleaner? It was
degreaser. Degreaser! Precisely. So you put your
hand into the sink, holding the key. Yes. You
can feel, as you feel the chemicals assaulting
your skin, because yes, that stuff does it. Oh,
it turned my skin red. Yeah, it's an irritant.
But it felt so lovely and clean. No grease on
this boy. Well, not until later. But you start
to feel the grease falling away from the key.
As well as, ow! Somebody's, at least it wasn't
a meat knife. It was a vegetable knife. They're
a little more dull. They're the ones with the
green handles. Yeah. At Wendy's back in the day.
And that green handled knife hits you. And you
do take one hit point of damage. How many hit
points do you have? I don't know. We're not playing
Dungeons and Dragons. But you do feel that the
key has been released from its greasy prison.
Okay, so there was the knife in the water, so
that was... So I'm just going to take my hand
out, and then I'm going to take the key back.
We're going to leave the kitchen, we're going
to leave the dishwashing area for now. And you
only are lightly bleeding. Eh, I can deal with
it. It'll clot in a second. Hopefully there's
not any anticoagulants in the air. Oh, Jesus.
Or any snakes. I need to find something to wrap
this up. Is there a rag anywhere near that I
could use to cover this little nick up? Maybe
a first aid station? There's a first aid station.
It's all out of Band -Aids. Except for that one
huge square one that no one ever fucking needs.
Yeah. I don't want to waste that in case I get
more damage dealt and I have a bigger wound.
Shit. I look around. Is there... Oh, look. An
old burger wrapper. I'll just use that. Hell
yeah. Is it the paper one or the foil one? It's
the paper one. It'll stick better. Okay. You
wrap up your wound. You're not healed, but you're
stabilized. All right. Back to the office we
go. Back to the office. If you push the key into
the hole. Yeah. It opens. You go into the office.
Ooh, am I in the manager's office? Yeah. Yay.
I'm the manager now, bitch. All right. So you
walk in and for whatever reason on the desk.
There is a tape recorder. Ooh. Where did he get
this relic from? I think the manager looking
around might have been sort of a nostalgia hoarder.
You see a tape recorder. There is an 8 -track
sitting on a shelf. What other old retro things?
Oh, a pager. Yeah. Maybe a PDA. Yeah, a PDA.
And you're like, man, maybe he could have recorded.
what is on the tape recorder onto the PDA. We're
like, no. PDA didn't even have a microphone.
It wasn't even a blueberry. It wasn't even one
of them blueberries them businessmen used. It
wasn't a blackberry. Just a PDA. And it was like
an LCD screen. Liquid crystal. So, anyway, there's
also a tape recorder. And on the tape recorder,
it is playing very softly. That's why you couldn't
hear it from outside the door. a rant from a
former employee. And by that point, you can see
there's tape on the... There's a piece of sticky
tape on the audio cassette in the retro tape
player. And it says, former employee rant. Okay,
well, first I want to walk up to the tape player,
hit stop, and then hit rewind. See if maybe I
can see what's there. I want to see what's on
this tape. Okay, so you listen to this tape.
Basically... It's someone getting a performance
review, and they're a perfect model employee,
and they talk about how they value him so much.
But then they tell him... that they couldn't
give him five out of five on all four categories
that you were being reviewed for, because then
you would have to get the 50 cents an hour raise.
Instead, we have to unjustly give you a four
on one of these categories so that we can only
give you the 25 cent raise. Yeah, thanks a lot,
Steve. That's probably why I left not too long
after that. Anyway, after he goes through that
entire rant, he does call the manager Steve.
So I'm going to say the fiction meets the real
on this one. All right. And as a part of this
employee's rant, he mentions a cursed spork.
That cursed spork. Because, yes, people talked
like that and they said those words. Okay. That
cursed spork. And at the end of the recording,
as the employee is leaving. you hear Steve, the
boss, say a silent prayer to himself. He didn't
know that he hadn't turned off the recording
yet. And he said, Follow the Friday sizzle to
the truth. And now you know why all of those
previous writings had an accent. Because now
you heard, through voice and sound, The actual
accent, which is a bastardized version of Scottish
or Irish and English that I was doing because
I'm not good at accents. Okay, so, oh boy. Follow
the friars. The friars sizzle to the truth. The
friars sizzle to the truth. All right, so you
said out in the dining room there were speakers
that I could hear stuff kind of permeating through.
Yes. Is there a microphone in Manager's office
that he'd be able to page people over the speaker
system? Yes. And so actually, it's... Weirdly
enough, he has all this retro tech, but then
one of the newer items that he has... Basically
because it is branded from the restaurant, so
this would have been something that he was forced
to use. And you could tell by the disarray and
the dirt and the ickiness on it, he didn't really...
He may have taken out some of his frustrations
on it at times. But it is a... tablet that, weirdly
enough, has audio files that you can play certain
things over the intercom with. Why that wasn't
how he recorded the previous thing that you had
on the tape recorder? Maybe the tape recorder
stuff was for his own edification. I don't know.
But there is a tablet sitting there, and you
can see the audio message being played. The message
that you hear is jarbled and doesn't really sound
like anything right now. So the file might be
corrupted. There might be something going on.
Is the tablet screen cracked or anything, or
is it still fully functional? There is a crack
across it, but it seems like it would still be
functional. I pick up the tablet, and I open
some of the files or apps or whatever that are
there that could possibly lead me to where I
need to be. I want to look at some of the audio
files. Maybe there's another recording on here
that says anything. So there is, you're in this
program, and you're locked out of the ability
to leave the program without a manager's code.
Well, a personal, maybe it's a thumb. It's a
fingerprint. You have not seen any bodies. But
the program itself there is still functional.
This is the only file left on it. All the rest
have been deleted. And there is just the audio
waveform. The progress bar, and then a series
of control buttons. And I can't listen to this
until I get the thumbprint. No, it's playing.
Oh, okay. That's what you've been hearing. Is
there any way for me to turn subtitles on on
this thing to make sure I can see what it's saying?
Is there a transcript? Something? Okay, so you
hit a subtitles button, and you see a bunch of
text that doesn't look right. Like it's in another
language. Right. You can't decipher it. It doesn't
look like any language you know. Great. But the
letters are in English. Like the regular letters.
But they're not a language that you know. Okay.
Well, obviously this has to be something. The
manager has to be coding something here. I searched
through the manager's desk to try to see if maybe
there's a codex. Something. No. All of the drawers
have been pulled open. All the files. You kind
of look over outside of the manager's office,
and you see what looks like what may have been
a campfire of sorts, and there's a bunch of paper,
ash, and things around there. So he may have
burned. Someone may have burned all of the paper
evidence. Shit. Okay. There's really nothing
left in here, is there? I got the tape recorder.
There is the sound playing. There is the sound
playing from the tablets. Yes. And I can't shut
it off. You can't shut it off, but there are
other controls present. Can I pause it? You hit
pause and it pauses. Okay, that at least stopped
it for now. Can I use the 8 -track player for
anything? There is no 8 -track player. There
is just an 8 -track. 8 -track. Is it a blank
8 -track or is it like an album of some kind?
It is also the only 8 -track that I have ever
owned. It is music from the cantina in Star Wars
A New Hope. Okay. All right. Well, I'm going
to take that because that's probably worth some
money. Hopefully not because it's still at my
dad's house and I don't know if I'll ever get
it. Yeah, I'll pick that up and take it with
me and pocket that because maybe I'll be able
to pawn that somewhere. If there's anything more
discerning in here, there's no paperwork left.
I've got the tablet. I listened to the recording.
Oh, no. I'm sorry. The tablet is connected, hardwired
to the wall. Oh, so I can't take that with me.
And I need a thumbprint to unlock the one thing
I need. These letters that come when I put the
subtitles on, are they in any kind of spaced
out order to where I can... Yes, they look like
the length of words, but they're not making words
that you could tell. All right. There's got to
be a paper around here somewhere. I mean, yeah,
there's blank whatever. Oh, actually, no. There
is a pile of paper bags. I pick up one of the
paper bags and a pen, and I just start writing
and see what I can... We're going to have to
do this the hard way. Yeah, so you write it down,
and it's a repeating sequence. Okay. All right,
so I'm going to sit there, and I'm going to try
to decipher this and try to see what letters
could go where. Well, what do you do? Try to
think about what the phrase could possibly be
after I... I take all the letters, and I put
them into the formats that they were, and then
I try to switch around the letters to make actual
words and sentences and phrases, try to figure
out what it says. I don't have a codex. Okay,
so you read it out loud to yourself, and you
see Everest, Tifus, Het, Tisrut, Tun, Od, Reef,
3, 2, 1. Hmm, I gotta think, what the hell is...
What are the letters for the first word? Ephrus,
right? Ephrus. E... I'm going to say this. E
-F -E -R -U -S? You say E -V -R -E -S. E -V -R
-E -S. Everest. Everest. Serve. That's the first
word. Serve is the first word. Okay, well, why
is that? It just makes more sense. Why? Why?
Because it's backwards. Ha! Noting that... It
looks like that you deciphered a word backwards.
You flip everything around. You flip everything
around, and it says, one, two, three, fry. Do
not trust the soft serve. All right. To the kitchen,
I guess. Okay, you head to the kitchen. One,
two, three, fry. Within the kitchen, you see
the grills are both covered in a light. I would
assume, now, I'm going to take control of you
for one moment because there is a thing you're
going to do when you enter this room. I'm no
longer taking control of my own point and click.
That you are actually, I know you would do it.
So both grills are covered in like a red and
white, almost like a pink substance, a thin sheen.
There's nothing hidden within it. You can see
a pink sheen across both grills. All right. I
know for a fact. that you're going to do this,
so I'm just going to narrate the fact that you're
doing it. You walk up to one of the grills, you
drag your finger across this unknown substance,
you sniff it, and then you lick it. Why would
I do that? What do you mean, why? You obviously
would have done it. And you taste it, and it
tastes like a mixture of ketchup and grease.
So really, the only thing you have currently
accomplished is that you tasted ketchup grease.
So congratulations, Michael. You hit a home run
on this one. My God, I would not have done that,
but okay. But beyond that, the only other item
of notice that you see is all three fryers are
turned on, filled with hot french fry grease.
Okay. It looks to be a rather remarkably clean.
Like it's just been changed. Like it's been changed
and everything looks perfectly ready and clean
for a great day at Mubi's Burger Joint. Okay,
so how did that poem go again? One, two, three.
Serve the fryers. Beware the soft serve. It was
one, two, three, fry. Do not trust the soft serve.
One, two, three, fry. Are the baskets dropped
or are the baskets up? There are no baskets.
The baskets are all in a pile nearby. One, two,
three. Do not trust the soft serve. But then
there was something about bewaring the friars.
There was all hail the grease father. All hail
the grease father. And there was... Oh, the manager
always hid the keys where the grease ran thickest.
Hid the keys. Grease ran thickest. That wouldn't
be the friars because that's in a constant state
of cooking, so it's not going to get thick until
it cools off. Where the grease would be the thickest,
though. Where would the grease run the thickest?
Oh, the grease runs the thickest is going to
be over the... What the hell do they call that?
Hood. So it's going to be over the griddle. It's
going to be over the grill. The hoods are immaculately
clean. Like, they were the things that had recently
been put into that jacuzzi sink filled with degreaser.
Which is the way I used to clean the hoods. Okay,
so it's not the hood. I didn't mean they would
be in the hoods. I'm going to say where the grease
runs thickest is going to be closer towards the
griddles or the flat tops or whatever, on the
stoves where they cook the burgers. That's where
I think the grease is going to be the thickest.
But the grease isn't thick because it's been
diluted with ketchup, remember? You ate some
of it. This is true. Okay. You tasted it. What
did it taste like? It tasted like greasy ketchup.
Yeah, but what were the notes that you felt within
that greasy ketchup? Tomato, sugar, old grease.
And a touch of maybe onion and garlic? Would
you say it tasted like a hush puppy? Kind of.
See, that's exactly why you would have done that,
and that's why I just narrated it for you. Oh,
Christ. All right. All right, I'm going to have
to make my way over to the fryers, but they're
all turned on, so I have to be careful here.
All the fryers are turned on. Everything up top
and around is immaculately clean. Are these fryers
labeled with numbers or anything like that? No.
Okay, they're immaculately clean. The grease
is clean. The manager always hid the keys where
the grease ran thickest. Open up the bottom to
the fryers. Because that's when you drain it,
it's thick. So that's where the grease runs thickest.
So, like somebody putting on airs. The outward
appearance of the fryer is very, very clean.
Like somebody paid so much attention to making
sure that it looked all perfect and pristine
from a distance. Yeah. But when you open the
bottom where all the foul of things are, you
find just a mess of thick, icky, grossy grease.
And there is a panel on the back that has controls,
overall settings for the fryer. But next to that,
you see an additional. Compartment and panel.
I open the panel. It doesn't open. But by touching
it, you do see a key pad on it next to a thick
run of grease. So the number's in here somewhere.
Well, it's like a little keyboard and it has
numbers and letters. Yeah. It has a regular keyboard
on it. I'm going to use... I'm going to look
and see where... I can see if where... what numbers
and letters have been pushed the most. Funny
you say that, but there were greasy fingerprints
on the keypad on the soda machine. You just remembered
that. But that one had just a set of ten numbers,
one through zero, whereas this is a regular keyboard,
and there is no, with numbers and letters, that
has no evidence of what was pressed. Damn it.
Come on. I've got to look and see which... Oh,
come on. Come on, mush brain. You already have
this clue. If it's already... Remember. Think.
The keys where the... What came before do not
trust the soft serve? One, two, three, fry. Yes.
Do not trust the soft serve. Yes. I press numbers
one, two, three. Okay. And then hit enter. Nothing
happens. God damn it. One, two, three, and I
type out the word fry. Thank you. By hitting
that, you see something open. You also note that
walking into this place, you never saw an ice
cream machine. So soft serve. you suddenly realize
is more akin to what you ate off the grill earlier
when you totally wiped your hand on it and then
sniffed and ate it. Oh, God, I've poisoned myself.
No, it's just that you realize that soft serve
must have been somebody's euphemism for grease.
Okay, yes. Okay, so opening the thingy under
the fryer, the little compartment, you find another
key. Is this one covered in grease, too? No.
It is also immaculately clean, and it has an
eye on the top of it. I take the key. Take the
key? You take the eye key. I take the eye key.
Oh, no. I think I know where this is going. Oh,
shit. Well, I'm going to have to head back out
to the lobby. Okay, and what are you going to
do out there? I'm going to have to go to the
Mubi statue. You walk up to the Mubi statue.
You see it still has its screen flickering. You
couldn't quite read from a distance. And on the
screen it says, Welcome to Mubis. Today is special.
Your eternal regret. Oh no! Then you believe
it might have a proximity sensor. Because then
you hear a little ditty play. A short little,
like, four -note ditty that the viewers, if they
were watching this as a TV show, they might have
heard it as part of the Golden Spork title screen
after the cold open. And then you hear in a low,
distorted voice what you assume is the cow's
voice say, One spork to rule the fries. One spork
to bind them. Choose your combo wisely. or be
ground into the value menu. That doesn't rhyme.
No, it doesn't. And I will say, ChatGPT wrote
that one. Of course they had to reference them.
There's only one Return, and it's not of the
King, it's of the Jedi. Return of the Jedi is
my favorite Star Wars movie, so I can't debate.
I love Return of the King, though, but it's fine.
So I have to choose a menu item. Oh, there's
no... Well, there was a screen below that. This
is like a smaller screen, and the screen below
looks like it might have been an order screen,
but that's completely broken. Shit. Well, I still
have this key in hand. It has an eye on it. Yes.
I look into the Mubi's eyes to see if maybe there's
a keyhole. You look into the Mubi's eyes, who
you'll notice is wearing a... It's like a cow
collar type deal, where you can see his name
is Mubi Prime. Oh, no. The eyes, as I said previously,
are glowing a greasy yellow, but there is nothing
else of note. They're just lights. Oh, God damn
it. I just wanted a drink, man. Shit. Oh, God.
So I have to make a selection on one of the screens,
don't I? No, remember, the menu screen was broken.
Oh, I go back up to the pot machine, I think.
That's where I'm supposed to go. You can go to
the pot machine. You said that there was grease
printed in a number sequence on here. Yes, so
now when you look, you see that the numbers 3,
6, and 9 have grease on them. How long is the
digit code that I need? 3? You don't know. Okay,
so I hit 3, 6, and 9. Okay, you hit 3, 6, and
9, and it pops out for you a delicious beverage.
Oh, thank you. I'm so thirsty. So you have pressed
3, 6, 9, and... you see a couple of soda options.
So it's basically like a freestyle machine. Awesome.
And you see a couple of options appear in a row.
The one says beef fizz, and then it seems to
dispense some beverage. Then it switches flavors,
because this is a secret menu sort of drink recipe.
Yeah. The next one that pops out is... pickle
cola and then it filled so it it did about 70
beef fizz and then it did 30 pickle cola and
then it it dings a little robot hand comes out
because this machine must have come from japan
yep and it put a little lid on it and now you
have your drink you're at least icing this thing
There was one cub of ice. God damn it, it's not
even cold! It came from the machine, it's cold.
You don't need all that ice. It just turns to
water and dilutes your delicious beef -fizz pickle
cola. I don't know if I want to... Fuck it, when
in Rome, I'd take a sip. Just a sip? Just a sip.
Okay, so it kind of tastes like... Remember those
mystery -flavored Doritos? Yeah. And where it
basically was just the taste of... Cool ranch,
nacho cheese, and... No. Oh, no, I'm talking
about the very first time they ever did a mystery
flavor. Oh, okay. And I couldn't figure it out
for the life of me, and then I finally realized
it just tasted like a McDonald's, not a Quarter
Pounder or a Big Mac, but it tasted like one
of the cheeseburgers you get in the kid's meal.
Oh, okay, so with the shitty dehydrated onions
and the little, the one squirt of ketchup and
the one squirt of mustard. Yeah. Okay. That's
what the cola tastes like. Drinking a burger.
All right. That's what I... I need to present
this to the movie! Okay, so you walk the drink
back over to movie. Here? Is this what you were
talking about, Mr. Movie? So, you see the head
slightly move down, and if the eyes could be
described as going from a greasy yellow to a
slightly more pleased yellow, they would. Yay!
Make movie happy! But that is literally all that
happens. Oh, damn it. But in doing that, you
do hear something around you, and it seems like
it's coming from one of the movie posters plastered
on the walls. I go up to start inspecting the
movie posters. Okay, so looking upon the movie
posters and looking in their eyes, you see that
there are LEDs behind. most of the eyes uh giving
them that same this matched yellow that the the
big mascot has but one of them doesn't look quite
right at first you think maybe that it's broken
because you see some kind of light reflecting
out from it but it's not the same color and upon
looking further you realize that it's not a light
it's a lens i pull that poster off so you pull
the poster off So in one eye, you see the camera,
but in the other eye, where the poster was covering
it up, you see a keyhole. I put the key in. You
put your second key in, and that unlocks. You
hear the sound of an unlocking door, but you
don't know where the door was at. You hadn't
seen any other closed doors when you went back
through the kitchen or through the office. So
it's obviously on the wall with the posters.
You heard it clearly from your vantage point
in the dining room. Oh, so it's just in the dining
room. Did I just unlock the front door, maybe?
I don't know. I go and test the front door. Oh,
no, the front door is locked. Outside, it has
started to go toward dusk, and it look a little
scaly out there. Shit, I'm losing light. It look
a little scaly out there. I'm losing light. Fuck,
fuck. I start checking the booths to maybe see
if it opened up a trap door or something like
that leading down. Okay, so you look through
all the booths and things. You come back to the
booth where you were at. You see the greasy imprint
of your butt cheeks on one of the booths, and
you can still see all of the wrappers that are
laying around. It's come to your attention only
at this point. You look at where you were on
the booth, and you're like, why does it look
like I left cheek prints? And that's when you
realize this whole time you've been naked. naked
and covered in grease. So you're the greased
up, like, naked man. Oh, no. Am I the grease
king? You might be. But, you know, that just
is a sudden revelation that you are actually
completely decloathed. Oh, man. My balls have
been out this whole time. And somebody's been
watching me with my balls out this whole time.
Yeah. Yeah. It's magical. No, it's not magical.
My balls are exposed. As they never should be.
Anyway, doing all that, you know, you don't really
find anything. You don't find any doors or anything.
And, man, that beef fizzle pickle cola is really
hitting you. It's like, oof. I'm going to have
to blow it up. Well, you got to tinkle. I got
to go try to find the bathroom. Okay, you got
to find the bathroom. You find both bathroom
doors knocked in. and the entirety of the innards
of the room is just caked in what looks like
hot grease that was shot out of a hose. The bathrooms
are basically completely covered, kind of like
that time with Randy Marsh on the FEMA computer.
The spooky ghost with the ectoplasm? Yes. So
both bathrooms... to your sensibilities, are
almost completely inaccessible. But, between
those two bathroom doors, there is what looks
like a supply closet. And it's got a sweet little
handle there. Grease -free. I open the supply
closet. You open the supply closet, and as you
open it, you look on the back of the door, and
there was a complicated little device whose little
bar had been opened, making you realize that
that was the poster. And as you enter this hidden
storage room, something happens. I'm naked. I
don't need anything happening. Okay. So you come
into the closet. You see cleaning supplies that
would have been desperately needed. No degreaser,
though. So Lord knows how you're going to clean
out the bathrooms. I think all the degreaser
is in the jacuzzi sink. Yep, sure is. But at
the back of the closet, you do see a bit of light
streaming out of the wall. Huh. I go and try
to press on the wall and see if it's a secret
door. It does give a bit. I push a little harder.
It gives a little bit. I forcibly push this thing.
It gives a pretty good bit. I keep pushing. I
just push, push, push, push, push. As well as
dropping a little pee. and maybe just the slightest
round little rabbit turd as you do, because you
are greased up and naked. Yeah, why? And with
that exertion, the door gives way, but you realize
now, because you didn't give it a swift kick
like I wanted you to, you actually fall through,
greased up as you are. Oh, shit! You do a greased
-up boy fall down a short flight of stairs. You
take... Two additional HP of damage. Oh. And
you land at the bottom with a tunnel leading
forward. I'm assuming I'm covered in piss. No,
your pee -pee is at the top of the stairs. It's
maybe slightly starting to run down the first
stair, and the little rabbit turd is just sort
of rolling in the opposite direction, so you're
at least lucky there. Oh, yeah. But your pee
is starting to descend the stairs. Just get up,
Mike, and sally forth. And you do. You sally
forth. You sally field your way down a little
corridor. Is there pants anywhere, please? You
do see, sitting near... A small alcove. A pile
of clothes. Fuck it. It is a pair of browned
pant with some shoes with fur on them. Oh no.
And then the top shirt is basically like a hoodie
except the hood you zip down over your face and
it would turn you into a golden movie. I gotta
put them on because I'm so tired of being naked.
Alright. Do you wipe any of the pee -pee or poo
-poo off of yourself before you do so? Yes. Alright,
Michael wipes the pee -pee and the poo -poo off
of him, and then he puts on his golden rabbit
costume. Or, I'm sorry, golden cow costume. Why
am I covered in piss and shit and grease? Well,
you weren't completely covered, you just had
a little bit from your little tumble. Yeah, but
I was covered in grease still! But you were also
still covered in grease. I mean, that wasn't
going to come off unless you got into the jacuzzi
sink with that little green knife. I'm glad I
didn't. Yeah, but, yeah, because you might have
lost your penis there. Yeah. But anyway. I didn't
know I was naked until I was at the movie statue.
Yeah, why you didn't notice that, I have no idea.
So imagine a greased up Eggman standing in a
kitchen. I am not Eggman! Who then drags his
dirty greasy finger across a grill and then sniffs
and then licks a mixture of ketchup and grease.
This is our hero. Fuck off. But anyway, you put
on your costume, and if you continue down the
corridor, you see a keypad door with another
frickin' keyboard. A full -cordy keyboard. And
there is a neon sign nearby that flashes, Mooby's
Secret Sauce! Oh, hell. Um, Mooby's Secret Sauce.
Okay. Is this just a numbered keypad or is it
a letter? It is a full QWERTY keyboard. I type
in Mubi secret sauce. Oh, man. I actually thought
we were going to have to go a little bit on that
one. You were going to like overthink it. But
no, you notice it doesn't do anything with the
Mubi's part of that. But when you type in the
words secret sauce, it pops up and says password
confirmed. It does a scam. of your face from
a hidden compartment you did not realize was
a scanner. Oh no. But because you are wearing
the Mubi costume, and I'm assuming obviously
when you put it on, the most comfortable way
was to pull the head all the way up and zipper
it down to have your face not exposed. Yeah,
I'm not trying to get caught here. And it scanned
the Mubi face and it confirmed you and you went
into a cluttered back room resembling a corporate
vault. with a pedestal holding the golden spork.
I approached the spork? You approached the spork,
but a glass cage comes down over it, and a voice
recording demands that you must be proven worthy.
Oh, what the fuck? From behind you, you hear
footsteps. Oh, it's that seven -foot Mubi bastard,
isn't it? And who would come upon you but Mubi
Prime? Oh, fuck. Mubi Prime walks up, and he
says, That thing is cursed, but I may help you
to get it if you prove to me you are one of our
most loyal customers. But I must tell you...
That thing was forged from the melted down utensils
of... Bad people. Neo -nazis that ate here with
Klux Klan members. We melted down their... I
don't know. It's evil. Some evil bastards. But
they tried to reclaim the power or something.
Really, it kind of just looks like it's sports.
It's been painted gold, but who are you to know?
Yeah. Basically, he's telling you it's made from
recycled materials. Okay, but that's a good thing.
It's recycling. Yeah, exactly. Why are you so
angry with this? Do you ask him that? No, I'm
just thinking that. I'm just going to think that
internally. Really? Mubi Prime, why are you so
angry at this? I wasn't always a seven -foot
-tall golden mascot cursed to haunt a defunct
burger joint. Decades ago, I was the prototype
for Mubi the Golden Calf, an ambitious plan to
create fully autonomous mascots that could take
orders, grill burgers, and entertain kids with
dead -eyed enthusiasm. The project was helmed
by Dr. Steve Chumley, an overzealous movies engineer
who believed that fast food could be improved
by making it more lifelike. But his obsession
went too far when he installed an experimental
AI in what would become me, Mubi Prime, to absorb
customer feedback directly, allowing myself to
evolve. Oh no, I... But I wasn't ready for all
the emotional baggage of everyone who ate there.
Like those neonazis and the clans. I'm sorry,
I'm sorry, Mubi. You've had to deal with Karens
for very long, haven't you? For a very, very
long time. Yes, that's why I shut down Mubi's.
Oh, you shut down Mubi's? I tanked our stocks
and, like... I don't know, maybe I made the guy
who founded us, like... Do a bunch of bad stuff
or maybe... Okay, so can I ask you something,
Mubi Prime here? Can I ask you something? Sure.
Why was I naked? Oh, you did that yourself. Bullshit.
After you ate all of my burgers. Bullshit. I
had all these burgers made up that I was going
to use to unalive myself, but you came in...
Like a bro, you stopped me from doing that. But
then you ate the burgers. And I thought they
were going to hurt me. But really, all they did
to you was just make you amnesiac. And then you
took off all your clothes and got covered in
grease. That you did all on your own. No one
helped you with it. You did it. And then you
passed out. Video proof after this or it didn't
happen that way. Oh, we don't have cameras. So
it didn't happen. It happened. Pics or it didn't
happen? Yeah, pics or it didn't happen. But why
did you just leave me there? Why didn't you wake
me up? I was letting you sleep. You looked so
peaceful. And then I went, and then I fell asleep.
How long have we been asleep? Looks at watch.
He's not wearing a watch. It's just drawn on
like Homer Sampson. Oh, no. It was just last
night. Ah, huh. So you took out an entire corporation
in... Twelve hours. Oh, no, you were, like, doing
some urban exploration. This place closed down
last week. Oh, so I ate old, horribly poisonous
burgers. No, I made the burgers. Remember, I
was going to unalive myself because I couldn't
deal with coping with the knowledge. I couldn't
cope with the knowledge of humanity's suffering
and the horror of its own greasy existence. That's
why I snapped. But you, like a bro, saved me
from that. I get that. I get that. But how old
was the meat? If I recall correctly, this is
Mike speaking, the use -by date for fresh never
-frozen beef, which Wendy's uses, I'm pretty
sure it was like within a week that it could
still be good. So it was probably on its last
day. All right, I'm going to give you a past
movie, but where did I put my clothes, my original
clothes? Oh, when you burned all of the papers
in a weird campfire back by the office, you also
threw your clothes in there. Wait, I don't remember
doing that either. You were high on unaliving
burgers, okay? I think I need to see a therapist.
You probably should, just like I should. But
if you're going to get through this, you know,
just a small warning, all the bad portions of
my AI that I shunted off, to attempt to keep
myself sane. I put them into why there's an AI
for the box in the basement, but there is. And
he's not gonna let you have the golden spork
until you answer some fast food trivia questions.
Oh, fucking... Alright, let's go. Well, you gotta,
like... He has, like, a little button. Alright,
where's the... Push the button. You go to touch
the button, and your finger slips right off of
it. More grease. Well, no, the button was clean.
You're still covered in grease. Mubi, can you
please push the button? No, he can't. But what
he does do is open up a small hole underneath
his snout that looks about finger -sized. I'm
trusting you way too much right now, but fuck
it. I lose my finger, I will attack you. So you
stick your finger in the mouth hole? Yeah. You
stick your finger in the mouth hole. and you
feel a sudden tightness. You feel pressure pressed
against your finger. You start to panic. You
try to pull out, but his grip is strong. Mooby!
And then you feel the little bristles of a brush,
and your finger has been entirely cowlicked clean
of grease. It's so pristine, it almost looks
like Bebefinger. Mooby, did you do all the cleaning
upstairs? Was that me? We did it together. Oh,
God. I gotta stop doing fast food binges. All
right, now that my finger's clean, I want to
push the button. You press the button, and you
hear a whirring, and a little screen comes out,
and it brings forth the first question. Okay.
In 1970, a fast food chain attempted to replace
all forks with sporks. but quickly abandoned
the idea after complaints that the spork was
too powerful. Which chain was it? And you see
a list of choices come up. A. Taco Bell. B. KFC.
C. Long John Silver's. Or D. Burger King. The
only one that uses utensils on a predominant
basis out of all of those. I'm going to go with
KFC. Ding, ding, ding! You see a fun fact reveal.
KFC actually did popularize the spork at their
locations, proving once and for all that humanity
was not ready for that level of utensil efficiency.
Yeah. That would also be ChatGPT's opinion of
sporks. I, however, do think they're okay. I
use that. I mean, sporks aren't bad. Yeah, I
use that plastic reusable spork. It constantly
has the hidden knife in it. Oh, yeah. Anyway.
The Moobies lore question now. Oh, no. According
to the secret lore of Moobies, what was the original
name of their signature burger before it was
deemed too honest for customers? All right. You
see, A, the Greasefather, B, the Heartstopper
Deluxe, C, the Soylent Moo, or D... The beef
mistake. Okay, so this caused problems within
society. I'm not going to say it was the grease
father. Well, based on the clues, I'm going to
say, A, grease father. Ding, ding, ding. Well,
all hail the grease father. But all hail the
grease father. Anyway. I'm bringing it back.
Which of these fast food items was originally
created as a way to recycle leftover bread dough?
A. Taco Bell Cinnamon Twist. B. The McNugget
from McDonald's. C. The Breadstick Burger from
I don't know what the fuck. Or D. The Bunwich
Supreme. Also have no idea. Leftover dough. Bread
dough. Taco Bell doesn't make their own bread,
though, so it can't be the Cinnamon Twists. It's
not the nuggets. What were the other two? The
Breadstick Burger? The other two I've never heard
of. The Breadstick Burger and the what else?
The Bunwich Supreme. I'm going to go with the
Breadstick Burger. Okay. So upon selecting that,
you hear a big... What? And then Mubi Prime pulls
out a sick, grease -shiny samurai sword and decapitates
you. Then you see a screen pop up that says you
died, and then there is continue or quit to main
menu. Continue. Continue. It puts you to that
question again. No. It starts from the first
one. What was the first answer? Unskippable cutscene.
KFC. KFC. What was the second one? Oh, Greasefather.
Alright, what letters were those two as well?
A was Greasefather, and I think C was KFC. He
decapitates you again. Continue. Continue. B,
KFC, and... A, grease father. Okay, and then
you're brought up to the thing. A, cinnamon twist.
B, McNugget. C, breadstick burger. D, Bunwich
Supreme. Fuck it, cinnamon twist. Ding, ding,
ding. Taco Bell cinnamon twists are made from
a type of wheat pasta that puffs up when fried,
proving that recycling can be deliciously deceptive.
But they don't have anything with bread! Well,
it was the way to recycle leftover bread dough.
You don't know how long ago that was or where
the bread dough came from. Or maybe it was from
when they were making... Maybe... She just messed
up when she made this question and she meant
tortilla dough. Alright, cool. I don't know.
But either way, the cinnamon twist. So, satisfied,
Mubi Prime starts doing a dance. He's incredibly
happy that you shall take the spork. The health
code violations, all of that suffering, it's
all finally over. I can finally enhance my own
experience. And then Mubi starts to glow. An
ethereal... greasy glow. And Mubi Prime starts
to float and ascend toward the ceiling and then
puffs out in a spray of sparks like she was some
kind of goddamn electric ghost angel. Oh, what
the fuck? But the spork is there for you to grab.
Guess I'm just gonna go grab the spork. You grab
the spork. You feel the power surge through you.
As you now have in your mind every single secret
menu item that you could ever order from any
branded chain fast food restaurant in the 48
continental United States. Yeah. You win. Hell
yeah, I win. Yeah. So as you do that, night settles
in. You feel, as you ascend the stairs, you see
that your night has come. You look over to see
where your friend, your best friend, Mubi Prime,
used to stand. Now you see that where he was,
there is just a sign that sits there and says,
Welcome, valued guest. It's been 2 ,153 days
since my last service. Please order anything
you desire. I have to get it right this time.
But that sign slowly falls over as you realize
his pain is at an end and your friend is happy
in electric animatronic heaven. But you look
over and you see your greasy ass imprint on the
booth. And you realize just how sleepy you are
after all this work and after all those burgers.
So you lay down for one final rest. I didn't
have any more burgers. You fall asleep. You might
wake up and leave, I don't know. But that's where
it fades out to black, is you curling up in a
ball, still wearing your movie costume. And you
go to sleep. And you go to sleep. With the fucking
spork in my pocket. With the spork in your pocket,
and the knowledge of all the secret menu items
that you could ever want to unlock. Yay? Yeah,
I mean, you don't want to go outside. It's dark
out there. There's probably somebody out there
doing meth. I guess you're right. If it is a
defunct fast food chain, that's probably... Yeah,
exactly. So, you fall asleep. And thus the sun
sets on this little boy's greasy adventure. What
was the purpose of this? I don't know. I wanted
to play. There's a game I wanted to play called
Abstract Dungeon. Okay. But basically, I didn't
even need to pull dice into it because the premise
was I just wanted to go through a little story.
That centered about me being trapped in a Moobies?
Yeah. I didn't even get to meet Kevin Smith.
No, because this wasn't Skewerverse. View Askew
Universe branded. Oh. This is, you know, outside
of copyright. Also, maybe to celebrate Dogma
2 eventually being made. Yeah, true. Even though,
yeah, Movies was in Dogma. That's where they
went to eat after Chris Rock fell out of the
sky. Rufus, right? Yeah. Anyway, so was that
fun? Yeah, I liked it. That was pretty cool.
Yeah, that's a pretty good lead -in. It's almost
like playing D &D, but... It uses the theater
of the mind aspect and just not any of the extra
rules or anything. Yeah, it's like a live action.
It's like you gave me an escape room to get through.
Yeah, and I'll say basically I asked ChatGPT
to bring me up to a prompt and then fill in some
of the details, and then I did some pre -planning,
and then I also did a decent amount of improv
-ing there. So it's good practice on that front
as a game master as well. Hell yeah. Yeah, I
enjoyed that. I also changed the name. Funny
enough, the guy who created Mubi Prime was named
Elwood Chumley. But because I had mentioned Steve
earlier, my old boss from Wendy's, I decided
to change it to Dr. Steve Chumley. That's fucking
hilarious. So we kind of pull things together.
That's funny as fuck. I technically also, for
the fun of it, and we might do this at some point,
I was actually thinking if you would have went
hostile with Mubi Prime, ChechiBT create a D
&D monster stat block for Mubi Prime. Oh, God.
Had 123 hit points. Oh, I never would have defeated
Mubi Prime. Yeah, it's actually a challenge level
7, so you have to be level 7. Right now, you're
level... Actually, I think I started you at level
1, so, yeah, it's really, really few. But it
wouldn't have been Pooch or Allie fighting him.
It would have been God knows who, but, yeah.
All right, so... Jesus. Now, I think it was like
a fun little adventure, and now I'm getting hungry.
Oh, yeah. You know what? What? Looking at animatronics
made me think, I kind of want to eat some pizza.
Pizza? We don't have a Freddy Fazbear's around
here. Or do we? What's that building I see across
out my window? Looks kind of defunct. It has
a... Is that animatronic moving? I wonder if
this might be Michael's next adventure in the
theater of the mind. Oh, hell. Dun, dun, dun.
Watch out for the sequel. Oh, shit. If you enjoyed
the stupidity you just heard, why not subscribe,
or follow, or just like this, or whatever it
is you do on whatever platform you're hearing
this on. If you have any suggestions for an episode,
or ideas, or thoughts on what we should do, you
could leave a comment, or you could simply email
us at windbreakermedia at gmail dot com. That's
all one word, fuckers. I said no swearing. Chachibouti
and I... appreciate not swearing in the outro,
and also the listener's support and constructive
criticism. Wait, why was I not included in that?
Because you swore, dickhole. See you all next
week, or time, or whenever. We appreciate you!
Et cetera.