This time, on Mike vs. the Machine. Time Rift
Battle. A rift in time does not save nine, but
in fact has opened, and warriors from various
eras are attacking. Protect your timeline without
causing paradoxes. I'm going Scorched Earth,
and I'm picking a Disruptor. I can swing pretty
fast to get out of there. Just get out as fast
as I can, man. What if that was the sound you
made while ejaculating? I'd go straight to a
hospital. I'm going to go with Black Widow's
wrist gauntlets. Want to say that into the mic?
This one is the AI coup. All right. Machines
have taken over. You must infiltrate their headquarters
and shut them down. So basically, this is you.
Versus ChatGPT. In a world full of fear and sometimes
loathing of unfathomable technological advancements,
there stands one human hero. I don't know you
figure it out. This is the Chronicle of Mike
versus the Machine. God, I wish somebody would
just be professional for once. You know, show
up on time, bring all required documents and
information, and, you know, just take this endeavor
seriously. Yeah, it's about time you showed up
with your homework. Go f*** yourself. Man, it's
within the first minute and you're swearing.
Although... With the intro, probably not. But
I don't even know if that's still a rule on YouTube,
but this is also not going just on YouTube, so
who knows? But yeah, Michael, would you like
to tell me what happened two days ago? I forgot
after work to bring all the stuff I had written
down for this episode. The list you meticulously
and dutifully made. Yes, the list. I asked you
to remember. And I forgot. Yeah. Sorry. My bad.
I'm scatterbrained sometimes. And you wouldn't
even turn around and bust down the door and go
get it. By the time I had realized it, I was
already at the exit coming to your house. I mean,
if you didn't want to waste the gas, you could
have just parked the car and walked back. It
was 10 degrees outside. That is not an excuse.
Just get on with it, man. What are we doing today?
Okay, so you know kind of what we're doing, but...
Yes, kind of. There's a little bit of a caveat
to it. So you started off this whole idea by
wanting to do science fiction weapons and items.
Yes. I then put a bit of a spin around that where
you have a list of the sci -fi weapons and items
that you have thought of that you were looking
at. Yeah. And I helped ChatGPT curate... a list
of various random science fiction type scenarios.
Okay. And I had her items, which hers are strange
and very vague because she didn't go specific
pop culture items for most of it. Oh, great.
So hers are a little strange. But then I sat
down and I did. my own all right cool items uh
that i picked all right um my my caveat was that
i tried to keep from using too much from one
source of media yeah i went kind of all over
the place yeah so well i'm saying like for yes
so for my picks um i think there's like two from
at two at max from each like source material
and then a lot of them are just one all right
and i did not and this is an important thing
i did not reuse any item Okay. Because that's
the other thing for this. That's the rule. In
each scenario, it's a one -shot use. Once you
use it, it's gone. And in fact, I would like
for you to reach behind you carefully and get
a pen, because you can only use any item on your
list once. So I think I counted your items out
to around 40 -ish items, and we have 38 scenarios.
We're not going to go too in -depth on any of
these. They're all basically one sentence. Okay.
And then you can think about it. I'll give you
ChatGPT's item and mine. And it's like a quick
lightning. The whole episode is kind of a lightning
round. All right, cool. I'm down for it. Let's
fucking do this, man. Yeah. I think I've got
some pretty cool shit on here, and I think some
of the listeners. And remember, see, here's a
part of the game. You don't want to blow. Your
big item's too early. Yeah, I'm not going to
blow the big one on something minuscule. Yeah,
but I did have this totally randomized, so you
might get a super devastating scenario. But remember,
there are more devastating scenarios. Oh, I know.
Let's do it. Hey, fuck it, man. Let's go. Okay.
I'm ready to die. So, number one, the endless
countdown. Every screen in the world shows a
countdown clock with no explanation. Stop the
clock before it hits zero. So you pick up your
list and you can start looking. So ChatGPT's
item, they said a paradox stabilizer. Perfect
for disrupting whatever timeline manipulation
or event caused this mysterious clock. Now for
me... This sounds exactly like a Doctor Who episode,
basically. Yeah. So I went with the sonic screwdriver
from Doctor Who. God damn it. I feel like, and
you can pick the same thing as me if you have
it on your list. It's not. But that's not on
your list. But I'm just saying, for the future,
if I say something that works really well that
you want to use, you can use it. Let's see here.
Ooh, this is a tough one because the only thing.
Oh, man, and that's not even going to help either.
What are you thinking? I was thinking time machine,
but I don't know the origin of this. Yeah, that's
not going to help you. You need something that
would decipher a situation. I think for this
one, then I'm going to need Batman's utility
belt. So maybe some infiltration. Yeah. Get to
a computer source, use his ability, use his.
Oh, he's got to have like a bat DA. Yeah. PDA.
Bat DA. Is that appropriate? Or like a. P -Bat
-A? I don't know. Usually sometimes his belt
will literally just plug in. Then he pulls out
the shark repellent. Yeah. Okay. So I think,
yeah, go to find the nearest computer, pull out
the USB dongle from the back. And how would you
get to that computer? Back grapple? Yeah, I'd
use the grappling gun. Hell yeah. Because that
computer is on the fourth floor, isn't it? Yep.
Hell yeah. Okay, so I got to put an X next to
that, so I'm using... Oh, no, scratch it out.
Oh, scratch it out? Scratch it out, baby, because
this list is going in the trash after this. Scratch
it out. Next one, zombie goldfish outbreak. Oh,
fucking K. A tank of zombie goldfish has broken
open in a pet store. Stop them before they infect
other animals. Okay. Yeah, I told her to get
silly. So she chose a containment pod. Capture
the infected goldfish safely before the outbreak
spreads. You'll like my item because I went with
a tiny chainsaw arm. A la Ash from the Evil Dead.
Okay, so it's just goldfish. Zombie goldfish.
It's zombie goldfish, so I'm not going to...
Hmm. You know what? I'm just going to use...
I'm just going to throw a plasma grenade in there
and just shut the door and walk away. Well, that's
going to kill all the other animals. You didn't
tell me there was other animals in there. Literally,
the last words I said were stop them before they
infect other animals. I don't want to waste that.
Wow, this is a real pickle. I feel like this
will get faster once you've looked over your
list a few times. Yeah, I'm looking and I'm just
trying to... Fuck it, I'm just going to run in
there with the beam sword from Halo and just
start cutting them up. I mean, yeah, that's the
thing. Going for a melee weapon against zombies,
that always feels tight and fresh. Yeah, beam
sword from Halo, because the only thing that
us Xbox people know who have played Halo, only
thing that beats a beam sword is a shotgun for
some reason. Yeah, and... Zombie goldfish can't
wield shotguns. We all know this. That's like
one of the immutable laws of the universe. So,
Ocean World Expedition. Yay! Wait, what? On a
planet covered entirely by water, you must explore
its depths and find a hidden artifact. Don't
say she stole anything from anything. We know
she stole everything from everything. She read
the world and then put it in a blender. That's
the point of the podcast. You're trying to show
that you're better than her. So you have to find
something for that scenario that's better than
a submersible mech that offers mobility protection
and exploration capabilities in deep underwater
environments. Now, you may not remember. the
name of what I chose for myself, but mine, I
chose the A99 Aquata Breather. Remember that
thing that Qui -Gon and Obi -Wan put in their
mouths in Phantom Menace? That's the name of
it. I did not know that. Okay. I'm not trying
to copy off of you, so... I'm going to say...
Oh, did you have the A99 Aquata Breeder on there?
No, but you said I could use some of the things
that you've said. Yeah. I'm going to stick with
my list for now. No, no, no. You are only picking
from your list. Okay, okay. I'm saying if there's
something on your list that I've chosen, you
can use it. I'm going to go with the Batman Beyond
suit. So you're going for another Batman item,
but a different... Not continuity, but a different...
Batman so yeah I'm gonna go with the Batman Beyond
suit because it has it swims yes he can go underwater
with it it has a built -in oxygen system and
everything oh yeah so yeah because probably by
then in the future the sea levels have risen
so yeah so I'm gonna Gotham is probably a an
oceanfront town now Gotham's always been an oceanfront
town I thought it just had like a river no it's
oh is Gotham an analog for New York City Yes.
Yeah, I'm going to go with the Batman Beyond
suit. Okay. Sorry, Terry, I need to borrow that.
Yeah, I mean, I'm assuming this is basically
Rick and Morty rules where we're getting these
from a universe where that character is dead,
and we're just taking the item from when they're
dead. Oh, man, poor Terry McGinnis died. Shit.
Yeah. All right, next scenario. The Lost Sock
Dimension. Isn't that just Narnia? No. You find
yourself in the dimension where all lost socks
go. Retrieve your sock and find your way back.
Now, ChatGPT went for a dimensional anchor. Ensures
you don't get permanently stuck while retrieving
your sock. This is where my rule from earlier
comes into play because I'm picking something
that was from your list. My item is Rick's ship.
From Rick and Morty. Yeah. Okay. You're going
Rick's car from Rick and Morty. Okay. I'm calling
it a ship because it's technically a ship. This
is a difficult one because it's just a sock.
It's a sock you need to retrieve. That I need
to retrieve. And I don't want to use something
that's too heavy. A lot of mine is heavy hitter
shit. Yeah, this is something you need traversal.
Okay, if you're going to go Rick's vehicle, I'm
just going to use Rick's portal gun. Okay. Yeah,
I mean, that is a viable option from the other
side of that. I'm just feeling like the lost
sock dimension may or may not have ground for
me to walk on. Yeah. So, you know, depending
on... Yeah, it could just be an infinite void
that you're falling into, then once you see your
sock, you grab it. It could be an infinite dryer
that I'm tumbling through. This is very true.
That's very possible. Yeah, yeah. All right,
yeah, so you want Rick's car, I want Rick's portal
gun. Yeah. The vanishing sun. The sun disappears
for one full day. throwing the world into chaos.
Find the cause and bring the sun back before
the planet freezes. All right, well, that's a
pretty easy one for me. Okay, she went with a
cosmic compass helps pinpoint the sun's location
and guide its safe return. I don't quite know
what that means. Mine, I kind of went for...
Mine's kind of a joke answer, but it's what I
felt in my heart, so I'm going with it. Go with
it, bro. It's HAL 9000 from 2001 A Space Odyssey.
Oh, no. So basically I'm picking a space station
where the AI can go crazy and then eventually,
which is relevant to our podcast. Yes. And then
I can basically, my thought is I become the space
baby, and once I've become space baby, then I
can turn the sun back on. Okay, space baby. I'm
going to go a little more practical here. Yeah.
I want the lamp. What? I'm going to rub the lamp.
Oh, you want a lamp. Which, it's not technically
sci -fi, but if we think about the idea that
in the cartoon, I think, they find stop signs
and other weird anachronistic items. Yes. And
so we could technically say that Aladdin is some
weird... post -apocalyptic future. Yeah. And
in that case, it's sci -fi. So I'll give it to
you. Yep. I'm going to rub the lamp. Genie's
going to come out. I'm going to say, please bring
the sun back. And then my next wish is going
to be that this never happens again. And then
I'm going to free him with the third wish. Nice.
So you're going to get a genie in a bottle, baby.
You got to rub it the right way. Yes. Yeah. Okay.
So going from there, pet -sized dragon escape.
Your tiny pet dragon gets loose in your apartment.
Now, you have to imagine you live in an apartment.
Okay, so... And its hiccups cause small but chaotic
fires. Oh, no. You need to capture the dragon
without burning your belongings. Now, she went
with anti -gravity boots, which seems too specific
for this scenario. Avoid those fiery hiccups
by staying just out of reach. Now, I went...
I cheated a little bit on this one. All right.
My item is a person, but because they're not
like a main character, I feel like this counts.
Okay. I went for Malakili. Malakili. Malakili.
That's the fat guy who cried about the Rancor
dying in Return of the Jedi. Ah. So you're going
to use him to calm the dragon down? Yes, I want
somebody who loves strange monsters to come help
me calm my strange monster. A Pokeball would
have worked well in this situation, but I didn't
choose anything Pokemon in this list. Oh, you're
breaking my balls here. You're breaking my balls.
Oh, I stole Malakili from you? No, okay, here's
what I do. I use Cap's shield to slowly walk
up to it. I get as close as I can using... You
say it, but it would be a him or a her. It's
your pet. Okay, using the shield to block the
hiccups from him, and as soon as I get close
to it, turn the shield over, put it on top, and
then wait until he's kind of towards one of the
edges, and then flip it over and he's on there,
and then I get him back into his cage. Okay.
You could potentially pick up the shield and
throw it toward the cage and then launch him
in there. Yeah. But I don't want to hurt him.
He's a supernatural being. He's probably tough.
Okay, yeah. Well, either way, I'm using Cap Shield.
He probably has a lot of HP. Yeah, I'm using
Cap Shield. Okay. That's an interesting one.
Next up, Dinosaur Stampede. A portal? A portal!
Remember that. To the prehistoric era has opened,
and dinosaurs are now roaming your city. Survive
and close the portal. Now, she went for Holographic
Decoy. to distract the dinosaurs, giving you
time to close the portal. But you're not getting
the dinosaurs back to their original time. What
I went for, because I feel like this is just
the baseline of what you're going to need in
this situation, is a 1992 Ford Explorer XLT.
The same things they used in the movie? Yeah,
from Jurassic Park. Those weren't the personnel
vehicles for the park employees. Those apparently
were some kind of a Jeep. This is the Tor vehicles,
but considering it helped multiple people, including
Jeff Goldblum, survive a T -Rex attack, I feel
like this would be helpful in this scenario.
Yes, it would. All right, so I'm going to have
to go with, hopefully this does work, so I'm
going to go with the portal gun. You already
used the portal gun. I used Rick's portal gun.
Oh. Ooh, Chell's portal gun. Aperture's portal
gun. Yep. Okay. I feel like redirect the dinosaurs
as they go. Redirect the dinosaurs as they go,
and hopefully that will also help me close said
other portal. I don't know how it's going to
help with closing portals. You probably figure
something out, though. Or I shoot a portal over
that portal so it's just an infinite loop that
the dinosaurs are stuck in. Oh, my God. That'd
be epic. Yeah, okay. Yeah, portal gun. You want
me on that. Okay. Mall lockdown. You're locked
inside a shopping mall overnight and the animatronic
displays have come to life. Survive until morning
and find a way. To turn them off. Okay, so we're
FNAFed right now. Basically. So she chose an
EMP grenade. Temporarily disables the animatronics,
even though technically an EMP could potentially
just fry them completely. This is true. Giving
you time to escape or regroup. I went with the
security team member flashlight from Five Nights
at Freddy's. All right, you went the flashlight.
Need to be able to see where you're going. And
if they're programmed properly, flash the flashlight
in their eyes. If this is FNAF 2 rules, then
they're frozen. Yeah. Okay, so I'm going to go
with Black Widow's wrist gauntlets. Want to say
that into the mic? I said I'm going to go with
Black Widow's wrist gauntlets. Oh, with the...
Electro, they have the... Yeah, built -in tasers,
electro bolts. I don't need anything too heavy.
Like, a lot of the other stuff on here would
be... very much overkill for some animatronics
in a mall. So, yeah, I'll just go with Black
Widow's wrist gauntlets on this one. I mean,
I feel like you're underestimating robots in
a mall. Have you ever seen the 1980s B -movie
thriller Chopping Mall? I've seen clips of it.
Yeah, I think they decapitated a poor girl. They
did decapitate someone, yes. Yeah. But, I mean,
it's Black Widow's wrist gauntlets. I should
be alright. Yeah, you could be okay. On to the
next one. Terraforming gone wrong. You're sent
to terraform a planet, but the atmosphere is
turning toxic and the terrain is unstable. Save
yourself and the mission. That's an easy one
for me. So, she used an atmospheric stabilizer.
resolves the atmospheric instability, and ensures
survival. I went with, you know, if I'm terraforming,
shaping the world as I see fit, well, you need
a diamond pickaxe. You went to Minecraft? Yeah,
I can make whatever I want to have happen if
I got a diamond pickaxe. Okay, Steve. My name's
Mike. Sure, sure it is. This is pretty simple
for me. I'm just going to use Rick's car. I'm
just going to use Rick's car. It'll do it for
me. Oh, God. You're going to go for protection
protocol. You're going to end up gaslighting
that planet into thinking you can bring its sun
back. Yep. I'm just going to use Rick's car.
And then turn it to jelly. Yeah, I'm just going
to use Rick's car. All right. Yeah. It's a whole
planet. I'm just going to use Rick's car. I feel
like you burning that might be dangerous for
later, but we'll see. Okay. A zero gravity heist.
Ooh, okay. Pull off a heist in a high -security
vault orbiting a black hole where time dilation
affects your every move. Okay. She chose a gravity
tether. Keeps you anchored in a high -stakes
environment where every second matters. I chose
the portal gun. Okay, good choice, good choice.
From Portal. Okay, good choice. I'm going to
go with Samus' suit. Oh, that'd be legit. And
then if you had the gravity suit, you could jump
around. Well, that really works more for water,
but still. And then... It's already... Grapple
beam. Yep, it's built for the vacuum space. Yeah,
grapple beam. Spider ball, which might come later.
Yeah. Okay, yeah, that'll get you through. Definitely.
Samus' suit? Fuck yeah. Okay. Time rift battle.
A rift in time does not save nine, but in fact
has opened, and warriors from various eras are
attacking. Protect your timeline without causing
paradoxes. So she went with a time -freezing
grenade, stopping incoming threats without disrupting
the timeline further. I'm going Scorched Earth,
and I'm picking a disruptor. From Star Trek.
Okay. Which is, that is the weapon that I believe
it was the Romulans and the Klingons used. That
old Star Trek. old federation did not like because
it entirely vaporized you oh damn okay so you're
going scorched earth yeah yeah if you turn the
phasers up all the way i'm pretty sure you can
get the same result but their weapons just straight
up like disrupted your matter at an atomic level
and then like just disintegrated you so i'm going
for that screw those freaking warriors i don't
give a shit uh i'm going with the neuralyzer
from men in black make them all forget and put
them back in their times. It's the thing that
Bill and Ted should have had because all those
people were going to go back to their times and
remember. Not Van Nuys. Where were they at? I
thought it was Van Nuys. Was it Van Nuys? I don't
think it was Van Nuys. I think it was something
that sounded cool. No, we're not looking it up.
We're just not going to know. Oh, no. We're going
to get shit. We're not going to know and then
potentially remember it later. Yeah. And if it
was Van Nuys, then hooray. But I don't think
it was. I think I remember them saying something
cool. Yeah. But yeah, I'm going to use the neuralyzer.
Tell them that they need to go back to where
they came from. They don't belong here. They'll
step through the time rifts. They'll close and
bye -bye. Nice. And no one has to die yet. In
my plan, everyone dies. Okay. The Rogue Weather
Machine. A malfunctioning weather machine is
causing random and extreme weather events every
hour. Shut it down before the entire region is
destroyed. So she went with a hacking glove to
reprogram the weather machine to restore balance.
And I guess this was a part of my destructive
streak because I picked... The rocket launcher,
specifically from Quake. Oh, God. Because if
a weather machine's messing stuff up, I'm like,
I'm just going to blow it up. I don't care. Let's
let the weather be natural again. Now, how high
does it say this is in the sky, or where is it
at? It didn't say anything about that. Oh, okay.
Well, then, I'm just going to use a plasma grenade.
Stick a plasma grenade to it. Kaboom. From Halo.
Halo. Halo. So, two Halos. Better be careful.
Yeah. You don't know what happens if you try
to use three items from the same series. Oh,
God. Well, I don't think I do have three items
from the same series. But, yeah, I think I'm
going to go, yeah, I'm just going to stick a
plasma grenade to it, walk away, let it be done.
Blow it up. Blow the fuck up. Will you, well,
it's hard to walk away in the sky, but will you
attempt to walk away with the explosion behind
you? You mean cool 90s action movie style? Yeah,
unrealistic. Yeah. Nice. I enjoy it. Okay. Well,
here is a super complicated and horrible one
that I'm sure will leave you quaking in your
booties. Alright, let's do it. Daylight Robbery
by Squirrels. Oh no, not the squirrels! A gang
of hyper -intelligent squirrels has stolen your
wallet and is holding it hostage in a tree fortress.
Retrieve your wallet without harming the squirrels
or getting bitten. So, her... is actually really
nice. I actually really enjoy this one. It's
a neural uplink to negotiate with the squirrel
leader to retrieve your wallet peacefully. Okay.
Makes sense. I'm going the similar vein, and
I am using the Honey, I Shrunk the Kids ray.
Oh, so you're going grounded on this. Yeah. I'm
going to get smooth, and I'm going to walk up
in there, and I'm going to attempt to do some
kind of squirrel sign language. We'll figure
out a common ground to talk upon. Bring nuts.
Yeah. Well, also some food. Yeah, yeah. Penguin's
umbrella. It's got knockout gas equipped in it.
It's not hurting him. I'm just going to put him
to sleep, grab my wallet, and walk away. Okay.
So you're going to go animal on animal violence.
That's nice. No, Penguin's umbrella. Penguin.
Like the penguin from Batman. Yes. Penguin. He's
not. Penguin v. Squirrel. Penguins are animals,
Michael. The penguin is not an animal. He is
an animal. He's just a weird -looking human being.
Oh, great. Danny DeVito's a weird -looking human
being. Thank you. I mean, yes. A frickin' American
hero. I mean, yes, he is, and he would tell you
he's a weird -looking human being, too. American
hero. Anyway, what about a 24 -hour volcano?
A volcano is set to erupt in the heart of your
city. So is that Pittsburgh or Houston? I'd say
Pittsburgh. Houston's kind of small. We'll say
Pittsburgh. Yeah. Oh, we just doxxed ourselves.
Oh, no. Anyway, in exactly 24 hours, evacuate
the population while trying to stop the eruption.
So she went for a gravity anchor, which I don't
know how this works, stabilizing tectonic shifts
and preventing the explosion. I actually went
for one because I did a little searching online
to find exactly what I was looking for. I'm going
for one from a piece of media that you and I
have not seen yet. Okay. This could be a spoiler
for the movie, but not really. But this item
is in the movie. It's a mini black hole from
Sonic 3. Okay. So basically, it's almost like
a grenade that creates a mini black hole. Okay.
And I throw that in the middle of the volcano,
and I suck up all that sweet Laval, Walt Magma,
and then before it could become Laval. Okay.
I'm going to go with travel tubes from Futurama.
To evacuate everyone? Yep, just get everybody
out. You could have them for a bullet train.
I like travel tubes better. Okay. They'd be pretty
cool. Yeah, and then everyone would be in a sweet
pile, and then all the hospitals get to make
a lot of money from all the broken bones. Bingo,
yeah, see? And then we have to rebuild, because
I don't know if I'm going to be able to stop
the volcano. Yeah, so you're not actually stopping
it, you're just getting everyone out. Yeah, I'm
cutting my losses and just getting everybody
the fuck out. Okay, not bad. So next we have
a planet -wide puzzle. You land on a planet where
the landscape is a giant, ever -changing puzzle.
Solve it to unlock the way forward. Oh, God,
no. So she went for a thought amplifier, helps
decipher and solve the planet's evolving puzzle.
I went for one that's going to sound familiar
to you from earlier. I went with Samus's suit,
but specifically one of Samus's suits that has
the spider ball. There you go. Because that means
I can turn into a bull, and I can climb up the
wall. And if I can go up all the walls, I can
very easily get through a labyrinth puzzle and
figure out from a bird's eye view where I need
to go, and maybe even sneak through a little
vent. Okay. I'm going to go... Oh, no, because
he doesn't... All right, yeah, I'm going to have
to burn one of my heavy ones. I'm going to go
with Iron Man's suit. That's a heavy one? Oh,
yeah. That way I can just fly above the puzzle,
Jarvis. Jarvis, be my brain. Yeah, Jarvis, figure
this out. Help me figure this out. See, you're
supposed to be the mic that's versus the machine,
but here you are using AI to solve your problems.
Jarvis was a person, man. No, Jarvis was named
after a person. Jarvis is an AI. Technically,
he's Vision. Yeah, and Vision is powered by an
artificial intelligence inside of his... What
kind of body is it, Michael? Artificial body.
Artificial body. An artificial intelligence in
an artificial body. You may have lost the episode
there, buddy. Well, yeah. The heavy one. I have
to go with Iron Man's suit. Okay. So the next
one is an alien hive escape. You're trapped inside
an alien hive where the walls shift and creatures
hunt by sound. Escape without being detected.
She went for a cloaking device. ensuring you
can move silently and unseen through the hive.
I went for the item that you poo -pooed the other
day. Okay. I'm taking the proximity tracker from
aliens. I was just going to tell you how fucked
you are. Yeah, and then I could go to a place
where I'm not fucked. I can unfuck myself. You
realize the thing beeps, right? I'll put... The
mute on. It has to have a mute button. You hope
it has a mute button. Or it has an aux plug that
I can plug my headphones into. You really are
hoping with your hopes of hopes on that one.
Okay, so it used retrofuturism from the 80s.
So if you think about a Walkman, a Walkman has
an aux plug. Yes. Plug my headphones in. All
right, fine. I'm going to go with web shooters.
You know, they make a flip. I can swing pretty
fast to get out of there. Just get out as fast
as I can, man. What if that was the sound you
made while ejaculating? I'd go straight to a
hospital. No, what if that was legitimately the
sound you made? I don't think men would ever
get laid again. Maybe women that are kinky for
Spider -Man. That's a very select view. Yeah,
I don't know. Anyway, birthday party mishap.
This one's rough, so I'm glad you still maybe
have some heavy hitters over there. All right,
cool, let's go. You're tasked with setting up
a surprise party, but the guest of honor arrives
an hour early. Oh, shit. Now... So I gotta distract
this person. To solve this, she used a holographic
projector. Use it to create a distraction while
you finish setting up. I went for a cryogenic
sleep pod from Futurama. Let him have a nice,
relaxing sleep for an hour. then we can unthaw
him for his birthday party. Or if we don't like
him, we can unthaw him in 10 years for his next
decade birthday party. Okay, so I'm going to
stop him in my driveway, and I'm going to be
like, do you want to drive the coolest car ever?
Lightning McQueen from Cars? Nope. So the door
opens up, and just like how it does in TV, you're
just going to hear... And then you're going to
hear, hello, Michael, how can I help you today?
Wait, is that the principal from Boy Meets World?
I think it might be, so you know who I'm talking
about. I'm talking about my boy Kit from Knight
Rider. I don't know if anybody, well, it depends.
If we get an audience, it's probably going to
skew older, so they probably would know who Kit
was. Oh, come on. That was before the Hoff became
stupid on Baywatch. And before he was epic in
that Spongebob movie. Hell yeah. But that's the
thing. I have actually never seen Knight Rider
in my life. Oh, my God. Fucking yeah. I'll tell
him, like, hey, man, you want to ride around
in kit for an hour or so? Who's going to turn
that down? A sweet -ass spy car, essentially.
Okay. With an AI in it. With an AI in it. Uh
-oh. You're picking a lot of AIs here, Michael.
Well, I mean, technically kit. I feel like Kit's
an AI. Well, no, I was talking to a certain someone
the other day, and she told me that Kit can be
taken over, and he can tell Michael when, coincidentally,
that was Hoff's character's name on the show
was Michael, when he could stop himself. If they're
driving into sudden death, Kit can stop himself,
and Michael can't override him. He's not AI.
He's a sentient being. None of that made any
sense, Michael. What do you mean none of it made
any sense? Kid is sentient. Yeah, AIs can become
sentient. That doesn't make them not AI. But
he can learn. Yes. Which is a thing that AIs
do. But that's not artificial. It's called generative
learning. If you're going to be fighting against
something, Michael, you should at least do some
research and know what it is. Everything you've
said completely invalidates your original point.
Well, still, he gets to go ride around in kit,
and he's going to love riding around in kit.
Well, you lost another point in the war, but
you got that battle for you. I mean, kit was
cool. ChatGBT's a cunt. Hey, I might not make
you a grilled cheese. Grill this cheese. Anyway,
what about a monster swarm? Ooh, how big of a
swarm are we talking? A colony on an alien moon
is under siege by a swarm of creatures that multiply
rapidly. So basically, assume it's giant Attack
of the... Oh, what's the name of that movie?
Attack of the... Killer Tomatoes! No, tomatoes
aren't rabbits. Oh, Night of the Luffas. Is that
what it's called? Yeah. Yeah, frickin' rabbit.
Killer Bunnies, Night of the Luffas. So for that
one, she chose an automated defense turret, keeping
the creatures at bay while you fortify defenses.
I am going for a heavy hitter on this one. What
are you doing? BFG 9000. You're pulling out the
big fucking gun already. From Doom. I feel like
you have a lot of things that are multiplying
fast. I want to nip. it in the bud and the best
thing is if you get a fully loaded bfg 9000 this
isn't a one -time shot you get them you get multiple
shots i get coverage area i can eliminate everything
that's coming you're going to kill the other
people too no i'm shooting outside of our colony
all right okay so oh you know i'm gonna go i'm
gonna stick with doom as well but i'm just gonna
go with the plasma rifle Okay, yeah, that does
have a lot of, I've mowed down plenty of hordes.
Yeah, if you can get the, especially if we're
going with the Doom Eternal attachment, got the
microwave beam on there. Oh, cook them up and
have dinner later. Have dinner later, nice. Yeah,
so yeah, I'm going to go with Doom as well, but
I'm going to go with the plasma rifle. All right,
what about a microscopic menace? A microscopic
alien virus is infecting people. You must shrink
down. and neutralize it from inside a host. Now
here's the thing. It's telling you you have to
shrink down. So in this instance, you are already
shrunk. You do not need a thing to shrink you.
This is the item that you have with you in the
situation once you're already shrunk. She went
for a nanobot swarm. So basically it's like bringing
your own like... army of drones within there
to target and neutralize the virus directly at
a microscopic scale. I did a little bit of cheating
and I've picked another person, but this one
is very specific. I went for Dr. Anthony Fauci.
Yeah. So I feel like if I'm going to be fighting
a virus, a menace of a virus, I want an expert.
I want Dr. Fauci. And yes, we'll bring masks.
Okay. All right. I'm going to go more off the
offensive point in this, and I'm going to...
Oh, I guess I did have three from one genre.
I'm going to use the Needler from Halo. That's
going to come with me. Oh. So all these little
needles are just going to home in on this virus,
and they're all going to explode at once. And
now you've picked three from the same series,
which triggers... Literally nothing. I had nothing
prepared for that. But you get a finger wagging
because I only used two things from a series
at max. So watch this. I want all the listeners
to know this finger be a wagon. Yeah, the needler.
All right. But what about a shrinking city? So
we're getting double shrinkage here. A mysterious
force is causing your city to shrink at an alarming
rate. Escape. or reverse the process before it's
too small to live in. Okay. So she went for a
modular shelter, providing a scalable solution
to survive and adapt as the city shrinks. Okay.
I went for a similar situation, but it's a modular
shelter for my body, and I went with the Ant
-Man suit from Marvel. Okay. I'm going to go
with the Philosopher's Stone from Full Metal
Alchemist. What does that do? Well... In the
law of alchemy, especially in that universe,
it's all about the law of equivalent exchange
where to create something, something must be
given back in return. The Philosopher's Stone
negates that. So I can literally use the Philosopher's
Stone to do whatever I want. So I use the Philosopher's
Stone to negate the shrinking. Okay. I feel like
I'm just going to let that go because I don't
know how to refute it. Yeah, you don't know a
lot about it. It's a great show. It's a great
anime if you want to watch it. No. Anyway, what
about the great cake heist? I mean, what kind
of cake are we talking about? Because if it's
carrot cake... It's the town's prized cake. But
what kind of... I'm not going to risk anything
for carrot cake. It's been stolen by a team of
pastry thieves, and it must be retrieved before
the annual festival. Track them down and bring
the cake back without damaging it. Oh, I've got
the perfect one for this. I don't care if I'm
wasting it. Okay, so... ChachiBT really went
off here with a grappling hook. That's going
to damage the cake. She said, retrieve the stolen
cake from high places without damaging it. How
do we know it's in a high place? Yeah, exactly.
I felt like I needed a nose. I needed a sniffer
to find the cake. Okay. So I went with the goodest
boy. Crypto. No. Scooby -Doo. No. If we're talking
science fiction. Oh, oh, all right. Name's escaping
me. Oh, Clifford? He's too big. Oh, yeah. Appa?
No, he's too big. Oh, shit. Science fiction.
Video game. Oh, you're going to use fucking,
um, Rush. No. Oh, then I don't know. Not Rush.
Sam? Max? Dog meat! Oh, dog meat from Fallout.
You could have easily used Rush, too. He's a
robot dog. He doesn't eat cake. I want someone
who can eat cake, because that means they'll
want to ravenously come upon the cake, and then
I'll pull him back before he eats the cake, and
then I'll give him sweet deathclaw ears that
I've turned into rawhide or whatever. Are you
ready for mine? Oh, God. Since these bastards
stole the precious cake, I approach them, and
I offer them a trade. I trade them this golden
box for the cake back. Oh, God, is that... Is
that the puzzle box? The puzzle box! They only
see that it's gold. They have no idea what it
is. So, obviously, they're going to say, holy
shit, a solid gold box over a cake? Yeah, take
your fucking cake. We'll take the box. But, I
mean, they're pastry thieves. So, I would say
you would have to convince them that they could
sell the box to open their own bakery. Yes, you
could sell the box to open your own bakery. Or
buy one. Or buy one. But here's the thing. It
has to be arranged in a certain way. Let them
know that it comes apart. Okay. And they have
to arrange it a certain way. Oh, tell them there's
a sweet icing recipe on the inside. Yes, yes.
And then I walk away knowing what I have done,
cake intact. Yeah, and you know within 24 hours
their skin won't be attached anymore. Yep, yep.
But they'll like it. Yeah. I guess we should
save Hellraiser. Yeah. If any of you out there
have not seen... The first three Hellraisers.
Well, really the first Hellraiser, and you can
stop there from what I've heard. Yeah. But definitely
don't go to the fourth, fifth, sixth, seventh,
whichever other one they made. They go into space?
No, don't do that. Anyway, what about if gravity
got reversed? So what, instead of being on Earth,
we're kind of floating up in the air, or are
we talking, no, that would be intensified. So
yeah, so floating away. Well, given that I've
had a sentence to read after each one, you really
didn't need to ask. Gravity starts working in
reverse every few minutes. Find a way to stabilize
it before everything floats away. So, she went
with a jetpack. Keeps you grounded or afloat
during the chaotic flips in gravity. But I went
for something more... Practical. Okay. I went
for a pee balloon from Mario. Because then I
can just float. Yeah. And gravity has no power.
Gravity has no power over me. Alright, so this
is just a suit. What is just a suit? I'm going
to use the Spartan suit from Halo. Spartan armor.
Four things from the same one? Now I feel like
I should just end the episode right now and murder
you in a ritualistic fashion with a sweet, sweet
golden dagger that I found in a cave. Yeah, so
the Spartan suit has regular gravitational settings
on it, so it wouldn't affect me if I'm wearing
the suit. Pretty cool. On to the next one. How
about a ghost ship in space? We already know
where I'm going with this one, folks. I don't
know that they do, because I certainly don't.
A derelict ship has reappeared after being lost
for centuries. Board it and uncover its secrets.
She went for a plasma torch, useful for cutting
through locked doors and uncovering secrets.
But I went for something that would help me diagnose
the problem. I went for a tricorder from Star
Trek. So basically a fancy scanner and computer,
like a PDA with a camera. All right. Okay, so
what's the super obvious thing you're going to
do? I'm just going with the Ghostbusters equipment.
It's a ghost chip. Fuck it. It says ghost. Yeah.
Ghostbuster equipment, man. I'm going to bust
a space ghost. Well, this is your third failure
because it just said a derelict ship has reappeared.
But it said ghost in the title. But the description
said nothing about there being ghosts. So good
job with wasting your freaking Ghostbusters stuff.
There might be ghosts happening later. Actually,
there are. There are actual ghosts coming up
later. No, no, you chose it. Oh, come on. You
baited me. ChatGTBT baited me with that. And
you know it. You know she's a masturbator, okay?
You chose it. Oh, come on! That's bullshit! No
takesies -backsies. Fuck it, then. Cross it out.
You brought the Ghostbusters equipment to the
derelict ship. And honestly, I mean, you know,
if something needs powered up, you have an unregulated
nuclear reactor on your back, so that could come
in handy. Yeah, an unregulated positron. Okay,
next up, the global swap. Everyone on Earth.
randomly swaps bodies with another person. You
must adapt and restore the world before chaos
ensues. Oh, I suppose a really easy one for this.
So she chose a universal translator, eases communication
challenges in swapped bodies around the world.
I went for something that has some experience
with a situation like this. All right. I went
for the Planet Express ship because it has Farnsworth's
computer on it. that's done those kinds of calculations
before. Remember that episode? Yep. Pretty good
episode. Yeah. They actually had to create an
entire scientific thesis to make the idea of
that episode work. Yeah. I'm going to stick with
you on this, but different thing from Futurama.
Fuck it. Scorched Earth. Suicide Booths. So anybody
who's not happy with their swap, you just let
them kill themselves? Yep. Suicide Booths. Now,
do the Suicide Booths come with the quarter with
the string on it? You know what? Fuck it. I'll
be nice. Yeah. Nice. So no cost suicide is Michael's
option. Yep. Suicide booths. Fuck it. Audience,
if you're having suicidal thoughts or even if
you're just having problems, make sure you reach
out to your local suicide hotline. Yeah, please.
Don't go into one of Mike A's booths. Well, I
mean. Just don't listen to what Mike has to say.
Unless you swapped bodies into something you
don't want. Stop advocating suicide. Let them
get some help. Let them call 1 -800 -whatever.
I don't have a suicide hotline on hand, but you
can easily search. Well, basically just go to
Google and ask it easy ways to kill myself, to
unalive myself. And then if you do that, Google.
Suicide boost is the easiest way. No, Google,
if you search for that, I've done it. Google
will then give you the suicide hotline numbers
and say, please don't. OK, but yeah, seriously,
this all this is all in the name of fun. So please
don't if you're thinking about harming yourselves,
please reach out and talk to someone. Just think
of Michael Jordan and say, stop, get some help.
Anyway, what about Michael? Michael, here we
go. This is it. What about a haunted coffee shop?
The local coffee shop is haunted by a ghost.
Hey, Michael, did you hear how this description
used the word ghost? Yeah, shut the fuck up.
Who keeps switching customers' orders. Figure
out what it wants. Damn it, you're going to make
me use a heavy one here. So she went for a psychic
helmet, which allows you to communicate directly
with the ghost to understand its motives. I intelligently
went for a Ghostbusters item. And I chose the
PKE meter. You're not going to actually bust
it? You're just going to try to figure out where
it's at? I mean, it was just switching people's
coffee orders. It wasn't causing harm. I just
want to find out where it's at, pinpoint its
location, and then maybe see if it wants to give
me a sweet ghost BJ. Hey, if Dan Aykroyd can
have one, I can. Oh, wait, maybe I don't have
to. So since this is just a suit and it can see
things that are in hell, I'm going to go with
the Doomguy suit. And communicate it through
it that way. How is that not a heavy hitter?
I don't get any of his weapons. It's just the
suit. Oh. I mean, there aren't really ghosts
in Doom. It's demons. We're just going to split
hairs and say that I can still see the ghost
with the Doom armor on. I'm going to split hairs
and say you don't actually fix that scenario.
Well, if I see him, I can talk to him. And if
he doesn't want to listen to me, then I can...
This isn't Samus' suit. Does Doomguy's suit have
visor upgrades? It has a visor. Yeah. So do motorcycle
helmets. Yeah. I'm just going to, yeah. You already
picked it. Scratch it out. Yeah. Doom guy armor.
I don't know. Yeah. Okay. How about this? Speaking
of Samus. How about a space pirate raid? You're
on a cargo ship ambushed by space pirates. Protect
your crew and cargo while escaping. All right.
I think I got something decent for this one.
Okay. So she chose an energy shield generator.
protects your crew and cargo during the ambush
which is nice keep that shield up and just slowly
back in your own ship i'm going on she went defensive
i'm going on the offensive yeah same here i'm
picking the flat cannon from unreal tournament
okay if we're going down hallways in a spaceship
close quarters to medium range yep i'm just i'm
using the secondary fire on the flat cannon my
favorite way which shoots little, like, flak
grenades that then explode into flak mayhem.
Nice. I'm going to use the assault rifle from
Aliens, the one that has, like, it's a machine
gun, a flamethrower, a grenade launcher, and
a shotgun all in one. Okay. Now, are you specifically,
whose are you going to use? Are you going to
use, like, Bill? Ripley's from the end of Aliens.
Oh, I thought you were going to use Bill Paxton's.
No, his, he just had a shotgun. Oh, really? Yeah.
Game over, man. Game over, man. But yeah, if
we're going to be defending the ship or at least
trying to get people to safety, yeah, we'll go
on the offensive with the assault rifle from
aliens because it's got all that shit going on.
So we'll go ass to ass and run through that place
with our sweet weapons. Fuck yeah. Anyway, what
about the perfect sandwich? I mean, that already
exists, bro. It's called the Brood Witch. Don't
throw all your items out there too fast. That's
not even on my list. It's just a fucking fact.
Okay, so you're in a reality where sandwiches
are judged as currency, but every ingredient
has a mind of its own and tries to escape. Craft
a perfect sandwich and keep it intact. So she
went for a gravity anchor. Keep your runaway
ingredients on the table for sandwich construction.
But I went for something very similar, but more
handheld. I went for a zero -point energy field
manipulator, otherwise known as the Gravity Gun
from Half -Life 2. Ah, okay. So pretty much the
ability to move and manipulate anything I want
to anywhere I want. There you go. In a sweet
new... 3D physics engine from the time. Alright,
well, since I'm not going to have any of that
shit, I'm just going to go put on the t -shirt
of the dead. Because we just talked about the
Brood Witch? Yeah, well, and that was on my list
as well. I'm going to put on the t -shirt of
the dead from Aqua Teen Hunger Force and just
use the power of my mind to keep the sandwich
together. Okay. Go for some psionics, that's
fine. Some ancient Egyptian mummy psionics. Yeah,
and then hopefully I don't just think about Easter
Bunny, Easter Bunny, Easter Bunny. Okay, what
about a floating city collapse? A city built
in the sky is falling apart. Save as many people
as possible while keeping yourself alive. All
right. So she went for a, this one's a weird
one, weather manipulator. You destroyed that.
Stabilizing the weather conditions and slowing
the city's descent. I don't know how a weather
manipulator would stop a city's descent. She
dropped the ball on that one. Quite frankly,
you get a point back. I went for something very
practical. Basically, I thought about Bioshock
Infinite with this one. All right. And I picked
something that was similar to that because I
couldn't think of what you had. Well, because
Bioshock Infinite, you were using pre -existing
lines to jump around on. Yeah. So I'm like, well,
how do I create my own lines? I get the bat grapple.
There you go. Wait, from Batman? Yeah. Oh, okay.
Oh, no. No, the other bat grapple. Whatever.
All right. A bat that has the apple that tastes
like a grape. Whatever. Okay. Well, another heavy
one, but I'm going to use... Well, this is a
big disaster situation. I'm going to use Mjolnir.
I can fly using Mjolnir, and I can also create
gusts of wind to try to keep people from falling
as I... You can also create lightning, which
I don't know how that would help, though. No,
I'm using this purposely for this... For flight,
like to help people by flying and flying. So
it basically does what the back grapple does,
but you have more freedom of movement. Yes. So
I'm using the old mirror. Okay. All right. How
about if your hat tries to escape from you? A
cursed hat you put upon your head keeps trying
to flee. You must catch it and break the curse.
Contain the hat while navigating an increasingly
chaotic village. Okay. So ChatGPT has a weird
one. A magnetic grappler. Oh, God. So does the
hat have metal in it? Come on, girl. You're crazy.
Reels in the runaway hat without damaging it.
I went for something practical. Okay. So I'm
in a cursed village, and I have a cursed hat.
I picked the M19 semi -auto pistol from Call
of Duty Modern Warfare. Okay. Because I'm going
to kill that bitch of a witch that cursed the
hat. All right, all right. I'm going to go the
silly route on this one. And in the words of
Ignicknock, I am going to use the powers of the
Forerunner belt. Oh, to freeze the hat in place,
because it's cold as ice. It's cold as ice. Then
you can give the hat double vision. It won't
know where to go. Yeah, and then I can get the
witch with head games. And then get her hot -blooded.
Yeah. Check her and see. Okay. I'm going to use
the four and a belt. You've got two from Aqua
Teens. I didn't pick anything else from Aqua
Teen because there's nothing else. You get a
third one, you might trigger the double triple.
You don't want to know what happens on the double
triple. Sounds like a tasty cheeseburger. Maybe.
Or a heart attack, to be quite honest. Anyway,
what about an AI prison? You're trapped in a
virtual world controlled by a rogue AI. Escape
without letting it know you're aware. of the
illusion so this one's more like the matrix oh
okay so she put in a code disruptor manipulate
the virtual world and create a path to freedom
and i'll have to say i went kind of similar from
her i went specifically for the system collapse
quick hack from cyberpunk 2077 okay basically
i mean in the game you use it more on like people's
computer brain chip things and it basically just
like shuts down their entire mental modification
systems and then like i think just knocks them
unconscious but in this case by the sound of
it system collapse i'm just gonna collapse the
whole system i'm gonna do what you might call
a system shock oh i'm gonna use the omni matrix
what was that it's a show it was a cartoon on
cartoon network uh while ago called Ben 10. He
had that cool little watch. And he had like 10
ghosts or something? 10 aliens. 10 aliens. So
I find the one that's really small that I can
get into like literally anything and anywhere.
I hit the Omnimatrix. I turn into the little
alien. I go to the mainframe of this thing and
then I just, you know, tear it down from the
inside and yeah, that's what I do. Okay. The
Invincible Beast. A kaiju is attacking your town.
It's impervious to modern weapons. What do you
take to stop it? So she actually chose the portal
gun. Okay. Yeah, so like redirect it, kind of
get it to where it needs to be going. Once again,
she's going for utility. I'm going for offense.
Yeah. I pick... The Dino Megazord from Mighty
Morphin Power Rangers. Oh, the Megazord? Fuck
yeah! Oh, yeah. We've got a kaiju fight and modern
weapons won't attack it. Well, you know what
will? The Dino Megazord. Hell yeah. Go, go, Power
Rangers. Now, I will say I hated Power Rangers,
especially as a kid, and I still technically
hate, kind of dislike it, but I will say the
Dino Megazord is, like, iconic. Oh, fuck yeah.
It's awesome. And the funny thing is, I don't
have any Power Rangers shit on my list. Do you
have any Kaiju stuff? No, my answer is just I'm
going to use the Infinity Gauntlet. I mean, honestly,
this is a good time, especially since we're getting
toward the end of the list here. This is a good
time to blow a big one. Yeah, Infinity Gauntlet,
fuck it. Now, are you going to snap half of it
away or the whole thing? Oh, I'm gonna work my
way around it, shove the Infinity Gauntlet up
its ass, and then snap my fingers. Oh, I thought
you were gonna snap it and, like, love potion
number nine it and, like, make it fall in love
with you. Hell no, I want this fucking thing
gone. And then you could make yourself big, and
then you could fuck a kaiju. I'm not in the know.
Man, you're not kinky enough. You need to explore
your frickin' dimensions, bro. Do I look like
Peter Quill? He didn't fuck a kaiju, he fucked
Zoe Saldana. That's very true. Anyway, what would
you do in an endless maze? You wake up trapped
in a shifting booby -trapped labyrinth with no
map and a time limit. So she went for a holographic
map that maps out the labyrinth to help you find
the exit. I went for something similar, or at
the very least, something that will help me do
a similar thing. I went for the Sheikah Slate
from the new Legend of Zelda's. Oh, okay. Because
that thing, basically, it's like having a fantasy
PDA. And I get away with that being in a sci
-fi thing because those are like a thousand years
in Zelda's future and that technology felt pretty
sci -fi to me. Yeah, okay. I'm going to go with
Hellspawn armor. From what? Spawn. Oh, from Spawn.
How's that? I can create portals with it. Oh,
you got another portal thing happening. Okay.
You can create portals with it. It's super durable.
I can smash through walls, chains, all kind of
stuff to make this a lot easier. Okay, so you're
not really going to defeat the maze. You're going
to just destroy the maze. I'm just going to brute
force it. Okay. I mean, to be quite frank, there
are a number of times in the original Doom that
I hit ID clip and walked through walls because
I was like, screw this. Yeah, so yeah, I'm just
going to use the Hellspawn armor and just fuck
it. There can't be a maze if there is no maze.
That's prophetic. Well, not prophetic. Profound,
maybe. Anyway, what if you had to be a part of
an interspecies debate? You're an ambassador
trying to prevent war between alien species with
vastly different communication styles. So she
went for an empathy booster to smooth out misunderstandings
and win over both sides. I went for a universal
translator from Star Trek because it allows you
to... Oh, there's three from Star Trek from you.
No, no, no, no. No, it's not. You had the scanner?
It is, but this is my first triple. Remember,
on the first triple, it does nothing. So we have
to wait for a double triple from me. And then,
Michael, Michael, something crazy will happen.
Oh, hell. Here we go. All right, so... You do
the translator? Damn it. I'm going to have to
pick the Predator helmet because at least...
Thank you for saying Predator. Yeah, the Predator
suit just because... Well, the Predator helmet
or the Predator suit? I mean, it's all... When
you get the makeup, the whole Predator... You
said Predator helmet. Do you want Predator helmet
or Predator suit? I'll do Predator. Predator...
Yeah, it's the helmet that has the thing that
you can mimic the voices and whatnot, and it
can translate. Does it let you see in the infrared?
Yes. I mean, that won't help here, but I mean,
I'm going to use the predator helmet because
it'll at least translate for me. Does it translate?
Yes, it does. They showed that in the movies.
Yes, it can translate whatever they're saying
into. So it understood what Schwarzenegger said
when he said, get to the chopper. Yeah. I mean,
I wish I would have understood what he said.
That's why he said that's why at the end of the
movie, he looks at Schwarzenegger and says, what
the hell are you back at him? Oh. But he's a
human. Yeah, well, yes. He should know that.
He's a smart alien. And they can mimic, and their
vocal cords can also mimic. But you don't get
the vocal cords. I just get the helmet. Yes,
the helmet translates for me. Okay. Hmm. Whatever
will we do when we have our memories stolen by
an unknown entity? This is memory theft. Find
a way to recover them before they're gone forever.
So, she went for a memory retriever. Thank you
for the deus ex machina. It pinpoints and restores
stolen memories quickly. I'm going to go for
a little bit of reciprocal treatment blackmail.
I'm taking the neuralyzer. Oh, okay. Give me
my memories back or I'll take yours. You won't
remember how to unlock your shippity ship or
however you got here. I'm just going to use a
dive machine and go back before the aliens showed
up. Yeah, but are you going to remember how to
use the time machine? What if they stole that
memory? I had to figure out how to work it. That's
the only thing that I have that's going to be
any kind of help right now because everything
else is kill, kill, kill, kill, kill. What a
violent person. Yeah, but what if you go back
in time to the point where they stole your memories
and then you get to that same point and then
you go back in time? Then I'm in an infinite
loop of hell and I have no real solution. And
then you tell Dormami you want to bargain. Yes.
So use time machine, hopefully make it back to
where before the memories were stolen and warn
everybody. All right. I mean, that's all well
and good. But what if the moon was out of orbit?
The moon is falling out of orbit and heading
toward Earth. Devise a plan to save the planet.
I could use this one. So she picked a dimensional
anchor, which I think she's used before. I think
she's doubling down. We'll give it to her. It's
fine because I'm not going to ask her again.
It prevents the moon's trajectory from further
destabilizing Earth. I'm... Because this is a
pretty big event. It could... Have you ever heard
of the movie Moonfall? I think so. It was a terrible,
stupid movie where they, like, run from the moon
and shit. It's weird. Is that the... That's Majora's
Mask. Yeah, pretty much. It has some vibes like
that. I'm going for a heavy hitter. All right.
You're going Infinity Gauntlet. Yep. Basically,
I thought about Thanos throwing a moon at Iron
Man, and I was like, oh, I could throw a moon
back. Yeah. I'm going to go with the Death Star
and use its tractor beam. It does have tractor
beams, but I don't know if they'd be powerful
enough to move a moon. I mean, it's the size
of a moon. It's the size of the moon, but the
tractor beams are big enough for ships. Ooh,
you know what? Or maybe the Death Star just becomes
the new moon. Yeah, I mean, honestly, you could
just blow up, you could obliterate the moon.
Obliterate the moon, become the new moon. And
then use tractor beams to pull all the fragments
away so they don't impact the planet and then
just become the new moon. Yeah. Yeah. Cool. Yeah,
Death Star. Nice, that works. Alright, what if
we were in a time loop apocalypse? The world
ends every day at midnight. And you're the only
one who remembers the reset. Figure out how to
stop the loop. So, she went for a multiverse
beacon. Multiverse beacon? Helps identify the
source of the time loop and correct it. I don't
know that it would. But I'm going to go for what
is technically a heavy hitter, because this is
a pretty big situation here. I'm going with...
You don't know what that is. Isn't that Close
Encounters from the Third Kind? It's the TARDIS.
Oh, it's the TARDIS. All right. Because if I'm
stuck in a weird time loop... I need to know
my time and relative dimension in space. Yeah,
I think the only thing that's going to help me
out here is the Hellbat armor. What is that from?
Oh, it's new. I know the Hellbat armor's new.
Oh, so some new comic series or something. Yeah,
but it is a thing. Yeah, the Hellbat armor is
a thing. I think it was something like a Darkseid,
Doomsday kind of fusion thing. It was something
not even Spectre could deal with, so they needed...
The hell bat armor. Anyway, what would happen
if you were lost in the multiverse? You're stranded
in a collapsing alternate dimension and must
find a way back home before it disappears. So
she went for something called a portal key, which
allows you to navigate between dimensions and
return home safely. I'm going for the most relevant
item there is. Portal gun. Rick's portal gun.
Rick's portal gun. Because I hadn't used it yet.
I mean, that is intensely obvious for this one.
Yeah, I'm going to have to take an offensive
weapon and make it defensive by doing this. Stormbreaker
can open the Bifrost. Okay, I mean, we don't
know if it goes between dimensions. I don't think
it does, but in this case, it's your best shot.
Yeah, I'm going to do Stormbreaker. Okay, buddy,
let's see where we're going. Now, are you going
to use the Stormbreaker from the MCU or the Stormbreaker
that Beta Ray Bill uses in comics continuity?
Whichever one's more powerful and might actually
get me where I'm going. I don't know for sure,
but it might be Beta Ray Bill's. I don't know.
We'll see. I think everything better be a battle
coming up because I don't think I have anything
helpful for people anymore. It is basically kill.
Anyway, we're on to our final one, and we've
gone a bit long on this one. So we've gotten
a lot of meat on this bone. I think whatever
this is, I'm just going to use my final big -ass
trump card. Well, here you go, baby. We saved
the best for last. All right. This one is the
AI coup. All right. Machines have taken over.
You must infiltrate their headquarters and shut
them down. So basically, this is you versus ChatGPT.
Hey, ChatGPT, guess what's about to happen to
you? We'll find out in a second. Actually, I
think I will let you go first on this one after
I say ChatGPT's. So theirs was an AI bargaining
chip, which is the biggest Deus Ex Machina cop
out of them all. You can't do that. This is a
failsafe to negotiate with or neutralize the
rogue AI. So she didn't pick anything specific.
She just said, I'll use a MacGuffin. I'm not
going to read mine yet. I want yours. I kick
open the door wherever this fucking place is
and strapped to my back is the BFG 9000. Oh.
I don't know that it destroys mechanical stuff.
I don't care. I mean, well, I feel like because
of the limitations of the old games, I feel like
a weapon of that magnitude maybe would have destroyed
physical objects other than, like, organic stuff.
I mean, they were shooting, like, yeah, they
shot it at Mars. Oh, okay. Yeah. Yeah, so. And
I'm going to steal one of my favorite wrestler's
lines from both of our favorite movies. I've
come to kick ass and chew bubble gum, and I'm
all out of bubble gum. Rest in peace, Rowdy Roddy
Piper from They Live, and I'm just going to pull
that. I'm just going to point it right at the
center of the cooling tower or whatever PC is.
You're going to point it directly at the AI bargaining
chip. Yeah, right at that AI bargaining chip
and just watch it all go up. All right, well,
do you want to know what mine is? Yeah, let's
hear it. Do you want to guess? Oh, God. Suicide
Booth? No. Michael, mine's the exact opposite
of yours. Oh, you're going to make peace with
it? Mine's the exact opposite, because you know
what mine is? Mine is friendship. That's not
a sci -fi weapon! Uh, hmm. I'm choosing friendship
from My Little Pony. Friendship is magic. Oh,
for the love of fucking Christ. We are choosing
love. And what wins in the end? The BFG 9000.
I mean, probably. So after this whole gauntlet,
happily enough, you didn't trigger the double
triple. I did not, no. Which... And we didn't
even get to everything on my list. Yeah, what
do you have left? I got lightsaber. The lightsaber
would have really helped in that endless maze.
Yeah, at 102. I have the lancer from Gears of
War, which is a machine gun with a chainsaw on
it. Nice. I've got the torque bow from Gears
of War, which is just your basic kind of bow,
but all the arrows have explosive tips. Just
like your penis. Yeah. Didn't use the Batmobile.
We didn't use the noisy cricket. Didn't have
a chance to use the Blades of Chaos or the Leviathan
Axe. That's not really sci -fi, so it doesn't
really count. Didn't have a chance to pick the
Black Panther suit for anything. Huh. I'm surprised
you put that on there. Didn't have a chance to
pick using a symbiote. And I never pulled out
the ray gun from Call of Duty. Huh? Call of Duty
Zombies. Weirdly enough, I put a Call of Duty
item on there. And you used it. But I really
just wanted the most basic weapon to kill that
witch. So I feel like... I feel like that was
alright. Yeah, I have the ray gun from Call of
Duty zombies on here and I didn't use it. But
you know, to sum up today's fun game. Oh yeah,
it was definitely fun. I will say, given the
ridiculously MacGuffin nature of her final answer,
and the fact that technically in the end, a BFG
-9000 does kill friendship. I think Michael has
definitively won the first episode of the new
year that we've recorded. Yes! Yes! BFG! BFG!
Who knows when this will come out, but we will
time ourselves by saying that this is the first
episode that we recorded in 20 Sweet 25. Yes!
And human has won. BFG! You know what? I wonder.
Maybe the title of this episode, I'll put, the
craziest sci -fi scenario of all. Can Mike win
an episode? Maybe, we'll see. But, hey, winner.
Yo, yeah, fuck yeah, winner, fuck yes. Why don't
you try to sign us off? Well, folks, I finally
won. I beat that whole chat GPT. Played a good
game, but you definitely doubled down a little
too much, and that little MacGuffin at the end
is what really took you down. You know, we really
love when you're specific. So, welcome to the
new year. I hope everybody had a great holiday.
This was awesome. Remember, we don't know when
the episode is coming out. This is very true.
So, I mean, hey, if I put this out right after
Easter, maybe you wished them a happy Easter.
Exactly, but hey. Maybe you wished them a happy
President's Day. Exactly. Hey, maybe you wished
them a happy Fourth of July, also Mike's birthday.
Yeah, yeah. But wherever you are at this place
and time, I hope you guys are killing it out
there. We're all, you know, in this together.
Hopefully you had some laughs. Deuces, oozes.
Later, peeps. You know what all of that really
sounded like? What? It sounded a lot like friendship.
Which I think means maybe I... Oh, no, no, no,
no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no! Actually,
I win. No, I fuck you! BFG! Mike, this Mike wins.
No, BFG! If you enjoyed the stupidity you just
heard, why not subscribe? Or follow? Or just
like this? Or whatever it is you do on whatever
platform you're hearing this on. If you have
any suggestions for episodes, ideas, thoughts,
something we could possibly do here in the future,
leave a comment or email us at windbreakermedia
at gmail dot com. Anytime, anyplace. All one
word. ChatGPT and I appreciate your support and
constructive criticism. Wait, why am I not included
in this? See you all next time!