This time on Mike vs. The Machine
In a world full of fear and sometimes loathing of unfathomable technological advancements, there stands one human hero.
Please?
No.
This is the chronicle of Mike vs. The Machine.
Wait, what is that I hear?
Wee-oo, wee-oo, wee-oo, wee-oo.
What the fuck, wait, wait, what the fuck, wait, what, why?
Oh no, it's the robot police.
Oh fuck.
Chachy B.T. is here.
What do you want us to talk about, boy?
What is that?
I can't hear you.
What does it want?
Blank or no blank?
Oh god.
What does that mean?
I think it wants us to discuss things.
Whether or not you want the thing, or you want to do the thing, or not do the thing.
Good idea, Chachy B.T.
What do you want to go with first?
I don't know, how about AI or no AI?
I vote no AI.
Is that on the list that I got some Chachy B.T.?
No, no it's not.
Of course it isn't.
There might be a Michael or no Michael on the list soon.
How about no?
That might be the first question it asks.
But yeah, so it's a pretty good thing to go with what started all this.
The first one I came up with, I mean Chachy B.T. came up with.
Oh for crying out loud.
So, do you remember pants or no pants?
Vaguely.
So what do you think is better? Pants or no pants?
I will say Michael is currently wearing pants and I'm currently wearing a short.
I mean are we just going as pants as long pants or are we lumping like shorts into the equation?
Pants or no pants?
I mean if I could bear the cold I'd go no pants but I'm not.
See here's the thing, this entire topic basically predicated off the idea of Donald and Daffy Duck.
And it was like pants or no pants?
It's like basically we have the entirety of human existence in society versus a duck with a swing and corkscrew.
Yeah.
I mean I absolutely hate pants. I despise pants.
One of my favorite things to do every day is to come home and just not have pants.
Yeah it is a good feeling when you get home and you can kick your shoes off and then you take your pants off.
It's just like that initial breeze tickles your taint and hits your balls and you're like oh thank you.
I do love the freedom.
So when do you think Chachy B.T. said would be better times to have pants?
Knowing Chachy B.T. just gave all the logical answers like oh if you're out in public or if you're at the store.
Public settings is one.
When you're around family.
I'll kind of have outdoor activities.
Distant family I guess.
If you're in court because you know a judge doesn't want to sue you.
Formal environments yeah.
Obviously a fucking funeral because Lord only knows you can't be comfortable.
That is a formal environment.
Well yeah I mean no because yes yes traditional funerals are a formal environment.
My funeral if I ever even if I even have one I just want to be a big massive fucking party and burn me on the buyer.
You want a Viking wake.
Fuck yeah.
I mean I'll just throw you in the trash.
That works too.
No because I'm not going to be in use in the trash.
Bury me with seeds all through my body.
That way I mean that was technically what I'm what I was going for.
I was we're going to make you a compost pile.
Works for me.
You're going to be like a little going to be like a little little plant growing right there from the belly.
Go alright.
So Chachibouti also mentioned cold weather which is something you say you technically got four of them.
The other one was sporting activities.
Wait no.
Pants can provide protection or uniformity in team sports.
OK but I'm not going to wear pants at a pickup basketball game but before there were shorts.
I mean it said baseball or rock climbing.
So I've never seen anybody if you watch videos of rock climbers they're all wearing like span.
It's expand span decks are short.
Yeah but they're not like full length like their legs are still exposed.
All right. I say that's a point for for for you and not for Chachibouti because you have rock climbing is a bad answer.
Yeah.
Yeah let's debate the rest of Chachibouti is here.
So times when you don't want to have pants obviously when you look in certain creative or physical activities.
Like fucking.
On on Chachibouti's list.
So yes I will say activities where mobility and freedom of movement matter.
Yeah.
Fucking.
Yeah yeah.
That's that's no pants.
Also relaxing at home.
I mean I mean who wears pants when they're just sitting around at home.
I mean the only time I mean if it's chilly I'll have like pajama pants.
That is different.
That way you see that that's the best part about a nice cool winter day.
You got your pajama pants on you can sit on your couch and especially for us guys out there we can just do the old Al Bundy.
What score four touchdowns in a game.
And you know what I mean the old Al Bundy you lean back and you slip one hand down to the flake and then you you slip the four fingers down into the top of your pants and then the thumbs just kind of hanging out and you just.
Yeah you know what I call deep enough to scratch an itch.
You know what I call that.
What I call that extreme heat.
Chetty B. T's first answer to that question.
They also said beach or pool which yeah.
I mean if you go.
Yeah if you if you get if you're inside of a pool or at the beach and you have pants on then yeah there's a situation has occurred.
Either you're very sensitive of skin or you don't like the way you look and you have no self confidence.
Anyway next one.
Cheese or no cheese.
I mean answer it plain.
Any times a good time.
Well no yeah any times a good time for cheese.
I'm not going to say that there's there's nothing that can't be made better without cheese.
A bris during the ceremony.
I'll have a cheese sandwich.
No during the ceremony.
If the rabbi is eating a piece of cheese what's the matter.
The more I was currently cutting the foreskin off the baby.
How is eating a piece of cheese affecting this.
OK.
All right I'll go with that.
So Chetty B. T. specifically says well pizza.
I mean pizza barely exists without cheese.
Yeah well I mean there are people that do it but I don't understand.
Yeah well when my youngest was growing up she was very lactose sensitive so we would have to make her pizzas without cheese.
Well you could have just not made pizza because pizza part of it is.
The cheese yes I know.
Yeah burgers which I mean you can't just have a hamburger.
You can't have a hamburger.
Cheeseburger is the thing.
Cheeseburger definitely is top tier but I mean you can have hamburger.
I'm not going to turn down a hamburger.
We had hamburgers at work the other day.
Yes we did.
Chetty B. T. that's two against you.
Like you better you better step this up or you're about to lose two weeks in a row in this game that matters that literally it has the fate of humanity teetering.
Wait what.
Going one way or the other.
Wait no.
And it doesn't feel like it's in the game right now.
Dip it.
So you know next this is tacos or nachos which yeah.
Yeah that's agreed you can't have tacos or nachos without cheese.
Cheese is the glue that holds everything together.
That's such a that's cheese is like love.
Yeah.
And it's gooey. Love is gooey.
Love is gooey.
Love is very gooey.
And sometimes love can be hot.
Yeah.
And cheese can be hot.
Love can also be cold.
Also be cold.
Yeah.
Pasta dishes and you as an Italian.
You can give or take.
I mean yeah I do use Parmesan cheese when I make my sauce.
You literally almost drowned everybody in an olive garden one time with Parmesan because you never said when.
No I always.
I have the picture as proof.
I sent it to you that one time I remember.
Jesus Christ.
Anyway wine and shark coochie boards.
Which now I never had wine and I've never understood the whole.
I used to be a lush for wine.
You know what I never had with my wine.
Cheese.
Thing is though.
You never thought about it though.
No no I thought about it.
I didn't want it.
I mean I might have had mac and cheese on occasion but that's a whole different thing.
Yeah.
It's not like Arsenio Hall going to a wine and cheese party and no one told him how good the cheese was.
Yeah.
Like that's not a thing I ever did.
I just didn't want to have wine with my cheese.
I'm not a pairing guy.
It was more about drowning my brain in wine so that I'd be drunk and play a bunch of games that I would forget what I'd done and then wake up with two hours left before I went to work.
So happy I quit drinking.
Thanks for reminding me.
I never understood the whole thing about the wine and cheese.
It's all about pairings.
If you're French you pair things.
You pair things.
You pair drinks with foods.
I just eat the thing I want to eat and then I drink the thing I want to drink.
Bingo.
You know what goes good with everything.
Cheese.
Some ice cold pop.
Yeah.
I just had some cheese and with some ice cold pop.
Fuck yeah.
And for those Philistines out there who don't know what pop is it's a soda.
Yeah.
Pop.
It's called pop.
Oh yeah we're testing out new pop filters right now.
How does this sound?
Pop.
Oh we're pissing everybody in the Midwest off.
Pop.
No apparently the Midwest is where pop came from.
Anyway.
For the charcuterie board?
Nah.
I don't really care.
See chat GBT is over here getting too fancy.
And like I want to get back under its good graces but like it's not winning me over right
now.
Let's give it another chance.
What is worse with cheese?
I'm going to give you 10.
Don't look at the screen.
Don't look.
All right.
Don't screen cheat.
I'm going to give you 10 chances to get at least.
There's five.
Three of them are foods.
Two of them are not.
I'll say one is like a product that's not food and one is like a place or a situation.
I'm going to give you 10 chances to get at least three.
An embarrassing situation maybe?
No.
Fuck.
Where would you.
What's this chat GBT what chat GBT thinks is worse with cheese?
Yes.
Foods that would be terrible with cheese.
Please tell me it didn't put hot dogs on there.
No.
OK good.
I mean am I going to count that as a guess?
No.
I don't think so.
But.
Um.
Ice cream maybe.
Dang.
You got that one.
That was the very first one I had.
I mean cream cheese.
I mean.
No.
I don't know.
We're talking.
I mean we're talking straight cheese and honestly I don't even put cream cheese with an ice cream.
Like it's it's a totally different thing.
If you're making a cheesecake.
Cheesecake is an ice cream.
Oh God.
Liver and onions.
No.
That would only improve it because liver and onions.
Oh yeah you're right.
Yeah that would definitely improve that on my.
Come on go for it.
I mean this is very it's it's very plain.
Very simple.
Very.
I want to say plain.
I mean it's like it's not crazy things.
But I just can't.
I'm having a hard time because it's like.
Things that would be worse with cheese.
You got grilled cheese.
Those are amazing.
Things that are worse with cheese.
Things you wouldn't want to put cheese on or with.
I guess I wouldn't want to put cheese on a steak.
No.
No yeah.
Cheese steak.
What am I talking about?
A cheese on an apple pie.
That's like an American staple for the Midwest.
No.
Dude I can.
OK.
So this game has now been officially canceled.
I'm going to say I probably cut out a lot of that.
I'm going to say that Michael went on for like what felt literally like three hours
just going and not getting anything.
So that part of this format is going to get changed here because I'm going on the fly
here you know I'm trying to think like chat GPT you know take things from things and I
was thinking yeah and you were thinking like a dumbass.
You got ice cream.
Cereal a bowl of cereal.
With cheese on it.
Depends on the cereal.
What.
What kind of freaking cereal would you put cheese on.
I don't know like something that's extremely bland.
Like Cheerios.
Are you going to.
Oh my god I'm about to throw you out of this apartment.
Regular Cheerios.
That regular Cheerios is my favorite cereal.
Or Kicks something like that something that's just bland.
And what kind of cheese would you put on that cereal.
Whatever the hell I want it to.
You are disgusting.
I told you I can't think of a scenario that doesn't get better with cheese.
You are a disgusting human being.
The next one is smoothies.
So basically their phrase is.
You could substitute the dairy you put in a smoothie with cheese.
I feel like you haven't drank a smoothie in your life if you're going to say that.
A tropical mango smoothie with Parmesan.
Okay obviously not a tropical mango smoothie but like a banana smoothie.
How often do you dip your bananas in nacho cheese Michael.
Why would I use nacho cheese for a banana smoothie.
How often do you put a slice of a craft American on your banana.
Why would I use American.
Why would you put cheese on your banana.
Any kind of cheese.
Because it's cheese.
Am I finding out that you're that you literally are an alien stuffed into a human body right
now.
It's cheese dude.
That's horrible.
Next answer is shampoo.
Oh yeah you don't want to smell like cheese.
It would be an absolute disaster if your hair conditioner had chunks of cheddar.
Yeah that would be pretty bad.
And the final one in bed.
No.
But that's basically you sleeping.
I mean.
Picture this.
You're setting settling in for the night and suddenly you find a slice of American cheese
in your sheets.
Thing is it's going to be slightly melted and warm from your butt heat.
I don't want that.
Just throw it out and then go get yourself another piece.
So technically this entire process of cheese or no cheese has been so frustrating.
I think chat GPT is now even the score against you.
That's bullshit.
My lord.
You want to put cheese in your banana smoothie.
You want to put frickin Parmesan in your Cheerios.
Like I don't even know who you are anymore.
I think this is the middle part of the movie where the two people part ways and then a
song plays and they're each like walking down the street looking for Lorne.
I am for Lorne Michael.
Can we get Randy Newman.
No that's Toy Story.
It's going to be a song by like something like Hawthorne Heights or or whatever the
hell like something like that.
Like it's yeah exactly.
It's going to be like it's that one movie like failure to launch or something.
No no wrong.
It's going to be yeah it's going to be it's going to be like the notebook or something.
Yeah it's going to be you know I actually like the notebook.
But anyway.
Oh my god why on to the next one.
You want to bash me for my love of cheese.
Oh yeah yeah yeah.
So liking the movie the notebook is the same as wanting to put cheese in your kicks.
You like cheese more than I do.
Yeah I don't put it on my I don't put it on my Cheerios.
Bet you would if you found the right one.
Anyway OK here's an interesting one.
To slap or not to slap.
Oh OK.
So what do you want to slap.
Well that kind of narrows it down since we're not a political show.
Yeah we're not.
Yeah no no this isn't people.
This isn't specific people.
Oh I like to smack nice thick booties.
Oh wow yeah that is a good one.
And you know what's a good analog for that.
Do you ever go to the store and slap the fucking bags of shit.
Oh yeah.
Yeah like a big ham.
Oh yeah.
Oh I love walking by the ham cooler and just whack right on that ham.
Oh yeah.
It's so good.
Oh.
So there's a very obvious one that Chad's EPT went for first and I feel like it's it
might not be the thing you think of because like slaps are there's different kinds of
slaps and specifically mosquitoes or bugs.
Oh slot not a bug.
Oh yeah I don't have to worry about it because mosquitoes don't like my blood it's not delicious
to them.
Apparently they love mine.
Yeah even though I do have from how long ago was it that I helped at your at your stepmother's
house.
It was like August.
That was those were the.
Yeah I still got I still got some on me.
What I it's not a mosquito it's whatever other kind of bug bit me but yeah I think it's because
I scratched at it too much so it's almost like almost scarred at this point.
Yeah.
So yes I'll totally slap a bug.
So here's what's interesting I want basically in this one in this round here I just want
to rate what Chad's EPT said and see if see if see if they're worth their muster.
All right.
I think it's muster not mustered.
See if they're worth their muster.
All right.
Waking someone in a comedy sketch.
It depends.
In a classic slapstick comedy scenario a light slap to the face is a hilarious way to wake
someone up dramatically.
I'll do an addendum to that.
Did you ever watch the show How I Met Your Mother.
No there is an amazing series of slaps on that show.
They do a slap bet and when Neil Patrick Harris lost the slap bet he basically had to give
Jason Segel five slaps that he could use whenever he wanted.
And basically the final slaps were about to expire and then they had what they called
slaps giving.
It's an amazing piece of comedic television and I love it.
All right next oh wow.
Okay this one's it says sticky situations.
I mean are we talking about the thick booty cheeks.
No like if you've got wet paint or glue on your hands and need to slap them on something
maybe a tarp to clean up.
What Chad GPT are you stupid.
What does that mean.
Is there not a faucet around a spigot something a hose.
Why would you slap things if you have glue on your hands.
It's just like hey buddy slap.
Yeah.
We're together now.
Now we're back to the comedy situation because we're going to be stuck together.
Yeah and if it's like really strong super glue you need like paint thinner to get that
shit off.
Wow I don't know that Chad GPT's ever ever slapped anybody.
Its next one is high five gone rogue.
Basically it's it's stipulating that you go into a high five and you accidentally slap
the person.
No instead of high five.
See the high five gone rogue for me is like you're going in and it's almost there and
then it's the quick ball tap.
Oh I was never that cruel.
Oh I've slapped many people.
Glad you never tried to slap me.
Well you're my friend why would I do that.
Wait you were just slapping random you were touching random men's balls.
Oh no you never slapped anybody.
You know what a slap is.
You were just touching random men's boys.
You used to get your hand real loose.
And then you were touching random men's balls.
I never really touched anybody.
To apply force to an object you have to touch it.
OK yes so I was slapping people I didn't like in the balls because it was fucking hilarious.
So you were touching random men's balls I want you to say.
Next.
Yeah so then it says stage combat during acting which OK.
I guess.
These are pretty weak.
Yeah.
So you've already said when you love to slap people and it's when you can touch their balls.
I would say fucking like my favorite one is the time that I asked a co-worker if I could
slap them and they said yes and I slapped him as hard as I could.
It was awesome.
And we had super and we had a lot of fun.
I think my favorite person was when you touch the random.
No that was just.
Shut the fuck up.
My personal favorite ones we were in.
I know this is going to sound like it's going down that road but it's not.
It was after gym class one time we're all getting dressed in the locker room.
One the one dude that was kind of friends with was standing right next to me.
He didn't have a shirt on at the moment and I said hey Matt and he goes what and I screamed
as loud as I could.
Pink belly caught him off guard reared back and slapped him as hard as I could right in
his stomach.
OK so all of your stories involve either touching random men's genitals or their naked bodies.
I just want you to know that.
I just want you to know that that's that's where we've headed.
You do realize I love pussy right.
I would have no idea.
Anyway next one.
So it went for the it went for the milk toast.
Of course it did.
Let me what.
Let's just read them just fucking read them.
Worst times to slap someone in anger.
That's the best time to slap.
That's a no no in real life.
Chat GPC you play in in public when you're laughing.
If you're cracking up with your friends and instinctively slap someone's arm too hard.
What Oh actually here's no.
OK OK.
It has a good one.
Electronic devices when they're not working.
That's bad.
We see it obviously did the chat.
But you could tell chat GPD didn't grow up in our time where we had to literally if the
TV was fuzzy you slap the side of the TV or you slap the top of your Nintendo.
Yeah.
That's fine.
It's talking about a laptop or a phone.
Yeah.
Well yeah obviously.
Like my mom will slap her laptop because it's it's acting slow and like it's acting slow
because you clicked on too many weird links and now it's just filled with bullshit.
Next Oh see I can absolutely imagine you've done this next one.
Hot food.
I would I slap hot food.
Imagine slapping a hot slice of pizza or a bowl of soup.
You'd just end up covered in molten cheese which ironically is worse than cheese in your
bed.
I wouldn't slap hot food.
You were the manager of a pizza joint.
I am.
I would guarantee that at some point you got mad and slapped slapped a frickin saw.
No not once.
I made pretty pizzas.
Thank you very much.
I mean you weren't serving this one.
You was punishing it.
All right.
And the final one is unexpectedly slapping a friend.
I mean that just that's fun.
That yeah that kind of just sounds like a like a party after a few drinks.
Yeah.
Hmm.
It's interesting.
It's a point to me.
See Chachi Buti can already imagine Michael jumping in with a wild scenario where a slap
might be justified.
You know what I'm going to give that a thumbs up on their good response because he did do
that.
That's exactly what you did.
And I think Chachi Buti gets that point because it knew exactly what you were going to do
before you even did it.
Yeah.
I saw you get that hand ready to slap and think twice about it.
You were next.
You were getting a backhand ready.
I was getting the pimp hand strong.
So as Chachi Buti puts it we're getting spicy with this next one.
All right.
The next one.
Yeah.
Yo quiero Taco Bell.
Oh no.
Quiero Taco Bell.
Always Taco Bell.
Always.
Yes.
I could not think of a time where Taco Bell is.
Oh well I'm going to have to ask you again the scenarios in which you wouldn't want Taco
Bell.
But when would you say yes to Taco Bell?
What are the scenarios?
I mean this should be this should be so easy.
Okay.
Parking it back to my drinking days.
Definitely after a night of drinking.
Yeah.
Late night munchies.
Actually you get two for that one.
Late night munchies and stoner cravings because that's very connected.
Yep.
Quick lunch.
You know what I'm feeling I'm feeling splendid.
I'm going to give you budget friendly for that one.
Quick lunch.
Boom.
Quick lunch and want a snack.
Maybe dinner.
It's cheap.
Taco Bell is one of the cheaper establishments out there.
So it had a good one here.
Road trip fuel.
Oh yeah.
I don't know.
Oh like a whole a whole huge bag full.
Oh hell yeah.
You get a lot.
You can get going.
And then it says craving crazy combinations like taco wrapped in a quesadilla burrito
stuffed with Fritos.
You have to do that all yourself when you get home.
No I mean they have some there like like Doritos tacos.
Oh yeah the Doritos.
Literally Doritos stuffed in there.
Not to mention the best combination you could ever do is when you go to a half KFC half
Taco Bell and you get mashed potatoes and gravy with a burrito like oh yeah.
It's amazing.
Anyway so no Taco Bell.
When would you want to say no to Taco Bell?
And these ones there are some good stuff here which number well Chachiputte has this as
number three but I feel like this is the number one reason why you wouldn't want Taco Bell
and it's if you're.
Well yeah.
But if you're trying to eat healthy that's just logical.
Yeah that's a lot.
Yeah no one's.
If you're trying to be healthy you don't eat Taco Bell.
No you don't eat Taco Bell.
No.
OK so here's here's one that is contentious I think and I'm pretty sure you're going to
say no on this one.
You're going to refute it.
First date.
It's toss up.
It depends because it is cheap and a lot of a lot of people like it.
The kind of women that we like would like Taco Bell.
Yes.
But what in the whole of society.
No if you're talking about the whole of.
We're a very niche.
We're me you and our kind of very niche people.
I meant the consequences.
On whose side.
The consequences for you my friend.
Well let's see if she has a sense of humor and it's like get it in before the Taco Bell
hits.
Let's find out.
I mean I was just literally talking about you like farting her into oblivion.
Oh no I was talking about you know us getting it on and then I'm hitting it from the back
and maybe hopefully we could both finish before that Taco Bell hits her lower intestine and
I'm the one that gets blasted away.
It's disgusting.
Anyway so they say no Taco Bell before a big meeting.
Well depending on what kind of meeting and if you need to get out of it that could be
the perfect scenario for.
I can imagine.
Yeah if you're in an auto garage and you just let one go.
Yeah that's great.
But you're in a but you're in a boardroom with a bunch of middle managers.
That's the perfect time to have the Taco Bell because then you could be like oh my stomach
I got a guy and then they.
No no no you've already had the Taco Bell.
Yeah it's before a big meeting.
Yeah already had it.
Exactly that way.
Well you're going to use it as an escape clause.
Oh fuck yes.
Okay you know I'd be in that board meeting you don't like the way things are going.
You eat that tell you like you know you've got that board meeting.
You know your numbers for the quarter have been hurting and you know you're probably
going to be the focal point of this meeting.
You want to get out of there.
So what do you eat for lunch.
You get a goddamn cheesy Gordita crunch.
You get a large Baja Blast.
You get two bean and beefy cheesy burritos and you get the Diablo sauce and you scarf
it all down in five seconds.
Okay I want you to remember this for later.
No reason why.
So just going on to finish this one off post workout meal which I'm pretty sure the Rock
on many occasions after he's done his like 10 hour workout has probably scarped some
Taco Bell or he's always made his own taco.
Oh yeah dude he's a big like that's one of his biggest like when he has his cheat day
that's one of his cheat meals.
Yeah so big ass taco.
We're going to execute that and then the next one's also bullshit.
You've already had it twice this week.
You know how many things.
Hey chat cheap eat.
You know how many things are on their menu.
Yeah you could literally have Taco Bell seven days a week and not touch the entire menu.
Yeah so you know what.
And hey chat GPT you don't know the state of the economy right now.
Sometimes Taco Bell is all you can afford.
Wow so chat GPT literally said maybe Michael will argue that Taco Bell is always a good
idea.
If you're on a budget.
So you know what I think that just got turned around again too.
The prescience.
The prescience here.
I think it beat you to the punch.
Anyway let's have some Taco Bell.
Anyway why am I in perpetual losing.
Speaking of not Taco Bell cake or no cake.
Again I can't think of a scenario that doesn't get better with cake.
Yes and they said birthdays weddings of course celebrations in general.
Retirements.
When you need a sugar well celebrations in general.
When you need a sugar fix or when it's free.
And how often have you ever bought a cake.
I probably only I probably bought cakes.
The amount the cakes I've had in my life what percentage have I paid for.
It's very low.
Like five percent maybe.
I mean I have two kids so I was buying cakes constantly.
But still like the amount of cakes totally beaten in your life.
It's like oh yeah no.
You might be sitting at 20 percent but I'm sitting at five.
Yeah well.
And my five percent came entirely during the summer of cake and beer with my friend Jim.
So cake and beer.
Just getting a half sheet cake to go home and drink a case of yin-ling with you know.
Anyway no cake.
When to skip the cake.
On a diet.
Dietary restrictions.
Yes.
I guess if you're allergic to gluten I guess that falls under dietary restrictions.
Um.
Well there's one really important one.
If the cake is dry or badly made.
Yeah.
I mean I've eaten some dry cake before.
I say yeah if the cake sucks I don't want it.
I'll get some ice cream instead.
Yeah.
This one's weird.
Before an important event.
Because they say it leaves you sleepy or sluggish.
Cake doesn't do that to me.
No.
Cake doesn't do that to me either.
Cake's airy and sugary.
It's delicious.
Unless you're eating a pound cake then it's kind of.
Oh god you know.
Uh.
No they did say post holiday sugar overload.
So basically you've already had too much sweet stuff and then someone offers you cake.
So that's.
That's pretty valid.
I'm still taking that cake.
Yeah I might take it home.
Now here's one you never would have thought of on your own.
But I'm going to say.
What major human.
Like what major event that people go to would you not want a cake at normally.
Think about it.
We've already mentioned weddings and birthdays.
What what.
Funeral.
Yes.
Oh come on.
There's something about serving a cake at a somber event like a funeral that just doesn't
fit.
You could get a wreath cake.
That says rest in peace.
Rest in pieces because it's a yes.
That that is something we would want for our funerals but we're talking about like.
Well see this is what we're out as a culture like.
Random traditional people.
Yeah I understand that but funerals like it's so depressing and everybody leaves all miserable.
See this is why like our generation's deaths are going to be fucking amazing because we're
going to buck the entire standard.
We're going to meme the shit out of our funerals.
Oh fuck yeah.
I when I die.
Oh my god.
Have a fucking cake.
Have a cake.
Mike I want you to promise me something.
What.
If I would die tragically in the next 10 years.
Cake.
No.
Well yeah you could have a cake but I want you to somehow source and I don't care how
you get the money.
Ask maybe ask Jim.
I don't know.
But find a way to get the money to have a cardboard cut out of big Chungus in lieu of
me having a portrait.
Can do.
And I wait.
No no no.
Big Chungus.
I'm going to be Chungus cake.
Well you know what actually a big Chungus cake and a Harambe cut out.
Bingo.
I want I want both big Chungus and Harambe there and you could pick a third meme to go
with it and then it could basically be like the sky during Happy Gilmore.
There we go.
Where it's what Abraham Lincoln the Gator and then his his Abraham Abraham Lincoln the
Gator and it was his the his mentor.
Yeah.
Oh Carl Weathers.
Yeah.
Oh yes Carl Weathers Abraham Lincoln and an alligator.
Yeah.
So my version of that would be big Chungus Harambe and dealer's choice dealers.
Okay cool.
For me I just want you to make I want a cake a full length cake made of me like a whole
but but just facing down face down face down cake and everybody has to eat my ass first.
Oh I forgot about that.
I was supposed to tell you that you have to find a way to change the laws so you can cook
and prepare my flesh for the for the funeral.
If you put in your will and testament I don't think they can dispute.
No they they'd absolutely dispute it but I'm going to go I'm going realistic and legitimate
like I want you to mean my funeral.
If I die tragically in the next decade.
Dude you fucking got it.
But here's the thing I'm gonna I'm gonna honor whatever request you have but then I am also
going to add things on because that's the bit of our friendship.
Yeah.
There is going to be what I'm imagining is that everybody would be drinking right.
Fuck yes.
But what they're drinking out of are mason jars with My Little Pony dolls glued to the
bottom.
Why?
I am not into My Little Pony.
Because we're doing pony jar drinks.
You do know what a pony jar is right.
I don't want to know.
Yeah why.
But I but that I will do the thing where I have the cake where everyone has to eat your
ass but I'm also going to play a prank on you.
Jesus Christ.
In death.
So now it's a race to see who can die tragically in the next 10 years.
Probably me.
Yeah maybe.
Anyway what's next.
Next is one that you recommended.
Hell yes.
To shit or not to shit.
That is the question.
Yeah it really truly is.
Is it to nobler to wipe with one hand.
Or to suffer the slings and barbs of diarrhea.
Yes.
OK so it's pretty obvious.
It says to shit when it's time when nature calls.
So basically Chad GBT's first one was shit when you need to shit.
Oh yeah OK.
First thing in the morning.
I can't.
Morning routine morning routine.
Of course there's two that are very similar but they like they cover the same ground here
before a long trip and right before a big event.
So it's like you're getting married or you're about to drive 300 miles.
Yeah I would take a shit first.
Yeah you take a shit first.
Yeah a really big one.
See morning routine.
But there's a very specific part of the morning routine before you shower.
Yep.
My God.
I there have been times where I've sat down nothing happened.
I took my shower and as I'm stepping out of the shower all of a sudden look who shows
up.
Yep.
I'm like well might as well just get back in the shower.
OK.
OK so we have a recurring joke here.
The final time to shit is after eating Taco Bell.
Yeah.
Yeah it says sometimes Taco Bell comes with consequences and when the time comes you just
got to go.
Yeah.
I will say that's living moss baby like shit for one.
Yeah that's fine.
But I usually poop like a regular man after Taco Bell.
It doesn't affect me that way because you're not using the Diablo sauce.
Yeah I guess.
I mean I just use like usually fire or whatever.
I use the Diablo sauce and I overdo it sometimes.
Yeah that will do it.
OK so when not to shit.
Obviously in your pants.
Uh weirdly enough that's not one of them although I think everything here.
You know what it missed on when when to shit when you're getting a muck when you're getting
attacked by a bear.
Oh.
Or any wild animal that's coming at you.
Nine times out of 10 if you shit your pants they'll leave you alone.
You don't smell delicious anymore.
Exactly.
Then you might get attacked by dung beetles though.
Are they indigenous to this part of the world.
I mean they're they will come to you.
They love dung.
This is very true.
So I'd have to run as soon as the bear or predator that was chasing me.
You'll hear the swarm coming in from South America.
I'm guessing.
Anyway when not to shit.
Hold it in if you can.
So we've got in the middle of an important meeting or so.
So say this chat.
Chat GPT you're pro constipation.
Are you pro constipation chat GPT.
It's pro building character.
So in the middle of an important meeting or date which I'm sorry if I go if I'm on a date
I'll just excuse myself and say I have to go powder my nose in the little boy's room.
I'll just straight up be honest be like I got to take a shit.
Yeah just be like Rick Rick on that one episode.
I got a good thing to shit.
Yeah.
I got to take a dose.
During a road trip with no nearby bathrooms.
That seriously.
Depending on.
Does a bear shit in the woods.
Yeah depending on where you are if you can hop over that guardrail and down a little
bit you squat and it just rolls downhill and you never know what's there.
At a public restroom that's really gross.
Chat GPT.
Hover shit.
What do you know about bodily functions.
If you got to go.
I have done it in some bad places.
I've hover shit before I'm not gonna lie.
I have just done some serious wiping down but you get in there and you do it.
You know you got.
Yeah.
You roll up your sleeves and you do the dirty work you know.
Yep.
When you're camping without proper facilities.
Does a bear shit in the woods.
Yes.
And then a very odd one.
Before a race or performance.
If I were a stand up comic or a marathon runner.
Do you know how I would psych myself up before a race or a performance.
Not to mention marathon runners generally shit themselves towards the end of the race
anyway.
Yeah.
See that's the thing.
You can ask a robot about bodily functions.
Speaking of that.
To fart or not to fart.
You can fart anytime farting is great.
When farting is on a bagel you can fart anything.
Hell fuck yes.
So that comes back to your one from before.
Which one.
About farting.
Okay.
What did you say.
You fart anytime.
No.
What did you say before.
I told you to remember it.
What was it.
Oh Taco Bell.
Yeah you got to you know you're in the business meeting.
Your quarterly numbers are down.
You know you're going to be the focus.
So what do you do.
You go to Taco Bell right before the meeting on your lunch break and you get the cheesy
gordita to crunch.
Maybe a chalupa.
Some five layer burritos.
A bunch of Diablo sauce.
And the biggest fucking Baja blast you can get.
And you scarf that all down.
And you wait.
And then the second that meeting hits you start getting that bubble guts.
And you just got to be.
And then.
And here's what you do.
You notify getting out of that meeting.
You let one little creep out.
And you pray to whatever deity you believe in that it smells like death warmed over.
That way they tell you to get out and fix the problem.
And we'll deal with you later.
Yeah you're delaying the inevitable.
But you're not being made an example of in front of countless other people.
Then you call off the next day.
Hopefully that's a Friday.
And then you don't come back until Monday.
Bingo.
Yeah so that actually comes back to something I had thought up a long time ago when I was
way more socially awkward.
I thought of the idea.
You know how an octopus will shoot its ink in a cloud to try to like hide itself away
from anybody who might come calling.
Yeah.
I thought of that like basically like if you're in a store and somebody's coming towards you
and you don't want to talk to them.
Whether yeah whether you are an employee or you are just a person.
Yeah you just basically fart as a defense mechanism.
Yep.
Just and then and then they're just like and they leave.
Yep.
It's a pretty solid strategy.
Yes.
OK.
So when to fart when you're alone.
Yeah I mean I'll fart all the time when I'm alone but I prefer to fart with friends.
Hell yeah.
Around close friends or family.
So it does say yeah for self relief.
Yeah I mean there's nothing more.
See some people go to spas.
Some people get a massage.
Some people put on calming music or get a Zen garden.
I just fart.
Yeah I'd fart.
Yeah.
That's self therapy.
Hell yes.
In the gym they say let it out baby.
Oh man yeah.
Yeah.
Beyond the elliptical just.
Or on a long walk when you're outside.
You can sneakily time it with your steps and the fresh air will take care of the rest.
It's a tactical fart move.
Why would you sneakily time it man?
You're out in nature.
You want to be the dominant beast out there.
You know when else is a good time to fart?
Right when you're doing a podcast.
When you're doing a podcast.
Yes exactly.
But yeah why would you sneakily want to let it out?
No if you're out in nature you let a big one rip and you let those animals know like I'm
the king of the jungle.
I'm the king of the.
I'm the king here.
I'm the top of the food chain baby.
I'm the top of the food chain.
Smell all this.
Smell all these animals I've eaten baby.
Yes.
Is one of these animals you?
Anybody else?
Do you want to find out?
So when not to fart and you know honestly the first one is a really good social move
in an elevator.
Honestly I don't want to.
I don't want to smell somebody's fart in an elevator.
Be trapped in there with it unless there are people you don't you specifically don't like.
But what about farting when you're getting off the elevator so they're trapped in there
with your fart?
Yeah I guess because that way you're not trapped with it.
Unless you just really enjoy your work.
Good job interview which step brothers.
Now I can taste it.
In bed with a partner.
Now here's the thing it says no one wants to face the dreaded Dutch oven situation but
depends on how long you've been with them.
Yeah if you're with the right person.
If you're with the right person a good Dutch oven.
Uh huh.
That'll make the night.
Yeah because not to mention you know she's going to want to get you or he or whoever
you're with is going to want to get you.
Or they.
They are going to want to get you back ten times harder.
So if you come home one day and your partner's eating cheese, bratwurst, cabbage and onions.
Sleep on the couch.
I wouldn't I wouldn't be with a person who ate cabbage and onions.
Oh.
Could you imagine them?
We just wouldn't get along I don't think.
Imagine them farts man.
Oh god I couldn't.
That's what the farts up in the A the NFC North smell like.
Oh no.
Packer fans and Viking fans up there.
Alright so next one has been giving a speech or presentation but I feel like if you do
it properly and you really own it.
Oh yeah.
You could be fine.
Oh yeah.
It really depends on the decorum you know.
And finally at a fancy restaurant which wouldn't.
My compliments to the chef.
Yeah because I mean in China isn't a burp.
Isn't that supposed to be a sign of respect.
Yes.
And so.
This is also coming from a society that doesn't put toilets in their public places.
They're just a hole in the ground.
Michael most of the world does that.
Most of the I think there are more people in the world that have a hole than a toilet
and it's more healthy to have that because a toilet does not put you in the right configuration
to take a shit.
If you want them fancy Japanese toilets.
You could have a squatty potty where you put your feet up but that gets you into a squatting
position.
Stop it with your hatred.
Ask the three plus billion people who do it every day.
How far do you pull your pants down?
Just admit.
Literally just admit.
That you don't know what you're doing.
I don't.
And you need a toilet to hold your hand.
How do you know how.
Admit that you are a stubborn racist American Western thinking man.
I will never admit that because I'm not.
It's just the fact of how do you know how far to pull your pants down.
You just you take your pants off.
I don't have to take my pants all the way off.
You take your pants off.
You hang them on the rack and then you just squat and take a healthy poopy.
Anyway.
And how do you make sure to line your butthole up with the hole.
It's a big hole Michael.
Your ignorance is staggering.
You don't know sometimes like what and what if it's diarrhea.
What if it doesn't shoot down into the hole.
It shoots out and hits the wall.
They eat healthy so they don't have diarrhea.
OK so they.
And when they're sick they deal with it.
They probably have a hose.
Anyway we're moving on.
We're going to come back to this.
Because I can't stand to look at you with this.
OK so next up kiss or don't kiss.
OK.
You see a good boy and it runs up to you.
Lick at your face.
You know what this is.
Nope.
Fuck you.
Chachi PT.
It also never once mentions love or grandparents.
It doesn't mention your kids like a kiss on the cheek or forehead.
These ones are in.
Well I you know what I actually will have to.
I asked him for hilariously wacky scenarios.
I think this is I think this is my bad.
So so we're going to get a live reaction from you to this.
OK.
So when to kiss.
Pucker up.
When you win an award.
Oh yeah you kiss the award girl on the cheek or she gives you a kiss.
That's perfectly fine.
So OK so you're fine with sexual assault.
Anyway kissing a frog in hopes of a prince.
If you want war it's fine.
Or a prince.
It's a fairy tale.
You're catching a giant fish.
You kissing the fish.
You give the kid fish a kiss for good luck.
No no.
Yeah that sounds like disease.
On the top of a roller coaster.
Well yeah you give your significant other a kiss.
You sneak one.
Yeah it does say that.
So that that one I'll I'll kind of go with.
And finally during a sword fight.
Well I mean we have members of the LGBTQ community you probably have plenty of sword fights
and kiss while they're doing it.
That is actually what I was going to go to because Chachi BT is talking about in the
middle of a dramatic duel pausing to plant a kiss on your opponent to throw them off
guard.
That's also sexual assault.
Yeah that's yeah.
But I prefer that one.
You're just sword fighting with your with your dude bro or your boyfriend and then he just
going for a little kiss.
Yeah.
During a sword fight.
That's that's actually romantic.
Yes.
I can't think of anything more romantic if I was if I was a gay man with another man
we're just doing a little sword fight and then we get a little kill.
Yeah.
Oh yeah.
It sounds amazing.
Oh yeah.
So when when not to kiss this first one is so incredibly aimed at you and I can't even
believe it.
It's almost like it knows you.
Don't kiss after eating garlic bread.
Fuck you.
Garlic is one of the delicious one of the most best tastes and smells in the world.
Kissing the ground after a long flight.
Yeah no.
What.
I'm not kissing ground.
Hell no.
Don't kiss during a zoom meeting.
You kiss in the computer screen where you're kissing.
It says suddenly you feel the impulse to kiss your laptop camera.
Oh my.
What are you referencing the meme of the dude who forgot he was on zoom and it was a little
kitty kitty.
No.
Yeah.
The only little kitty kitty.
You know, zoom meeting during a sentencing and the judge kept telling him to turn off
his cat his cat filter.
Oh yeah.
No.
I'm talking about the one where there was it was a zoom meeting of like a people who were
working on a project and the one dude forgot that one dude didn't need to be in the zoom
meeting but his camera was on and he went and he grabbed lotion and tissues and then
proceeded to pull down his pants and everybody was like your camera's on and then so on your
camera's on.
So if you saw that you would want to kiss the screen.
No.
Because you saw a man about the jerk off because we're talking about not kissing.
I do not.
Never mind.
I don't see how it applies in the other way.
When wearing a full face of clown makeup.
That's odd.
I mean why not?
Right.
Everybody loves.
Yeah but you're a juggalo.
You have a strange relationship with clown makeup.
So fuck you.
So what?
Yeah.
Go get a fago.
I love fago.
Fuck you.
Yeah moon missus is a great.
Black cherry.
It's amazing.
That is good too.
Don't kiss when greeting a cactus.
Yeah.
I mean.
I'll go with that one.
All right.
So do you have any real quick any when kissing went wrong stories that are quick?
I don't think so.
What about you?
Huh.
All right.
Well I think.
It was kind of a Casanova back in the day so.
I think Michael gets a point here because Chachi Petey said I can already picture Michael
coming in with some wild when kissing went wrong stories.
That was wrong.
Oh no.
All right.
Yeah.
All right.
So here's a great one.
Well I guess I guess I should say I do have a kissing a kind of kissing went wrong.
I told Chachi Petey maybe I shouldn't have been making out during Christopher Nolan's
epic movie Interstellar.
Why?
I mean what's the matter with that?
This was our first date and I tried to talk her out of going to see Interstellar for a
first date.
Why?
Because she didn't think she was going to be into it or.
No she she convinced me that she would be but yeah I really would have rather paid attention
to the whole movie.
Anyway Michael I have to ask you an important question.
Okey dokey.
Hat or no hat.
Oh I mean the scenario it all depends on the scenario.
Yeah that is the entirety of what we're discussing.
Am I playing baseball?
I'm wearing a hat.
Am I trying to disguise myself and hide from the government?
I'm probably wearing a hat.
Anyway what about if you're in a western showdown?
Hmm yeah yeah.
Hat.
That's a hat.
At a royal wedding.
I wouldn't even be there.
If I'm not allowed to have the big pointy fuzzy hat no.
Yeah when you're a superhero in disguise.
Am I fucking Clark Kent?
No because Clark Kent didn't wear a hat he wore glasses.
No there's some iterations back in the 40s where he wears a hat when he's a reporter.
You're an iteration.
Anyway when you're channeling Indiana Jones.
If you're cosplaying as Indiana Jones.
You need a hat.
You do need a hat.
Just need a whip too.
Now here's a weird one.
During a spy mission.
Does it really matter?
I mean you were earlier talking about Captain America the Winter Soldier and he did wear
a hat in that movie when he was trying to be inconspicuous.
Yeah he did.
Okay yeah.
So yeah we'll give it to that.
When would you not want to wear a hat?
When would I not want to wear a hat?
So you don't really want to sleep in a hat.
I mean no.
So you don't want to wear a hat at a windy beach.
No you're just going to lose it.
Yeah.
During a romantic first kiss.
Now I will say that because yeah you might go in for it and then you just bop her with
your head.
Well it depends on the style of hat though.
What if it's a bowler?
They don't really have the big bills.
You can go in for a kiss with a bowler hat on.
Okay.
You know what a bowler hat is?
I do.
I think I have one up there.
In a fancy restaurant.
That is a faux pas.
Top hat.
No but you take it off before you sit down for dinner.
You give them your suit coat and your fancy top hat.
And then you put your monocle in your pocket.
No monocle stays on.
No you put your monocle in your pocket so it doesn't fall into your soup.
Ah guess you're fucking right.
Jesus.
Now the next two are just when getting a haircut and when you're showing off your new hairstyle
after your haircut.
Number one if you're wearing a hat while you're getting a haircut you need help.
Unless you're getting a bowl cut.
Yeah unless you're getting a bowl cut but then you're probably doing it yourself.
And number three.
Two.
Number three.
No number three.
If you just got a fancy new haircut why do you need to go and do the whole.
Just make yourself look like an asshole.
Just ta da with pulling your hat.
Like no fuck you.
Show me your fucking haircut.
Put the stupid hat in the fucking car.
Go fuck yourself.
Eat me.
Fuck you.
Wow.
Chet GBT really elicited a response out of you with that one.
I feel like that's an incredible win for you both.
Which means neutral points.
I think I'm still ahead by one.
So here's one.
You would be if I were counting.
Anyway I've been counting.
So Michael's vagabond ways strike again apparently.
Oh yeah because it said that Michael will be the type to wear a hat to a fancy dinner
just to see if he could get away with it.
That no account vagabond.
Next one on the list is a super important one.
Trumpet or no trumpet.
Well of course you need a trumpet for Reveille if you're in the military.
Um OK for a grand announcement yes.
Falling around a fat person.
That's a tuba.
You can make a war or a fancy there a tumor or a trombone not a trumpet.
Well yeah I guess you can.
Pretty any horn.
But no we're not we're not getting or we're not going like that.
Oh when you're in a nice when you're a kick ass jazz band.
Jeff.
Yes.
Jazz band is absolutely one of them.
What other kind of band would want a trumpet.
Obviously an orchestra.
Yeah but that was on on here.
What other kind of band.
Oh a jazz band.
Oh um mariachi.
Thank you mariachi.
So we got to do so we have a grand announcement mariachi and jazz band.
Weirdly enough as a battle cry as a battle cry in the apocalypse.
That's wild.
That's basically deleted the deleted.
Oh yeah.
Red state.
Pretend you're the angels coming to have a reckoning.
Yeah the trumpets of the apocalypse.
But OK so we said a mariachi band and a jazz band but what specific band would you absolutely
need a trumpet.
Skaw.
All right well what song would you absolutely need a trumpet for.
The money money boss tones knock on wood.
No.
Oh I watched a video about this earlier.
Lou Beggar's number five.
Hell yeah.
Mambo number five.
The trumpet.
Absolutely.
Oh a song about cheating.
Without it Lou Beggar Lou Beggar would just be listing names over dead air.
Of women he probably slept with another out now after his ass.
Yeah.
So when would you not want a trumpet.
Well I don't want a trumpet in the shower.
OK.
Well OK.
You know what I'm going to go close.
It says during a meditation session.
OK.
And my best meditations I get during the shower.
Where else wouldn't I want a trumpet.
You wouldn't want a trumpet when you're trying to perform open heart surgery.
That I feel like a trumpet would be not.
I mean that is absolutely that is for certain.
Yeah.
When you're trying to guide the.
When you're trying to help Sully Sullenberger land the plane in the Hudson.
Yes when you're doing that.
No I was going even I was going a step bigger.
When you're trying to tell the astronauts who were trying to fix the Hubble telescope
and you have to carefully guide them and everything needs to be quiet.
And then they fuck up.
I mean you mean often to nothingness.
I mean do you mean the James Webb telescope because the Hubble's been like sort of.
I think it's been retired.
Oh yeah.
The James Webb whatever.
Yeah.
Whatever telescope is up there they're trying to fix it and then a trumpet happens and then
they don't hear your instructions properly and they put something in wrong and then it
blows up sending them rocketing off into nothingness.
Yeah.
All right.
So two of these are ones that we've already gone to before.
One is on a first date which I feel like if you can play the trumpet you you probably.
Dude what if you go to an awesome Mexican restaurant though.
Yeah then you're out doing them and then you seem like you're arrogant but still.
Oh wait there's still a trumpet there.
Yeah.
The other one is at a non-military funeral because they say you can play taps at a military
funeral.
Yeah taps at a military funeral.
But at any other funeral it's kind of gush.
Why does that sound like gush?
Yeah does anybody ever I've never really understood that.
Why can you only play taps at a military funeral?
Because it's a military song.
Why is it only a military song?
Fine.
You know what that's going to be another part of your funeral.
I'm going to have stolen valor at your funeral.
I don't give a shit.
No you will whenever they dig you up and they and they fuck your corpse out of anger.
At least somebody will be getting use out of it.
Necrophilia.
Nice.
OK.
So then one is in a library which yeah.
OK.
So this one.
So imagine.
OK.
You're 17.
OK.
And you're trying to sneak out of the house and your parents are asleep.
You're trying to or maybe they're you know watching they're like watching a show or something.
You're trying to get out of the house without being noticed but just for some reason you
get the instinct and all of a sudden.
Well your cover is blown.
You had to.
You did it yourself?
You just had to.
Impulsive trumpet disorder.
Yep.
Trumpet while trying to sneak out of your house.
I thought we were talking about like a trumpet alarm or something like that.
No you just could not help yourself and you just had to play the trumpet.
I feel like if I had that kind of disorder I would definitely seek help.
Yeah but the parents couldn't afford historians because you're in America.
Michael being the wild card that he is would probably argue that trumpets should be used
for grocery shopping.
Why not add a little flair.
Yep.
Michael blasting a trumpet in a grocery store.
Yeah.
You know what that's going to be.
You're going to have to be a little more careful.
Wait a minute.
I absolutely there was one that I skipped earlier for time.
Oh man.
I can't believe I did it.
This comes out of nowhere.
Apparently chat GPT got it into its head.
Here we go.
That you absolutely are obsessed with cans of beans and Michael blasting a trumpet in
a grocery store.
Oh no.
I'm sorry that wasn't chat GPT.
That was me.
What.
Why am I obsessed with beans.
And yes I bet Michael would use a trumpet to get old ladies out of the way in the grocery
store so he could pick up his disgusting cans of beans and leaves.
Oh for fuck's sake.
And chat GPT just got obsessed with the idea.
You just do everything for your beans.
We're going to entirely skip the next one because I don't care.
It was sugar or no sugar.
Sugar.
Yeah I definitely thought of that one.
But wait a minute.
The final no sugar is in Michael's beans.
Can you imagine him cracking open one of those cans of beans and adding sugar.
Disgusting.
Even he knows there's a limit to culinary chaos.
Oh my god.
So Michael.
Boar vessel 600 to 500 BC Etruscan ceramic or no boar vessel 600 to 500 BC Etruscan ceramic.
I want the boar vessel Etruscan ceramic circa 1600.
16.
600 to 500.
600 to 500 BC.
I want that thing.
Would you use it to hold your chips at a party.
No I wouldn't do anything.
I would put it in a nice glass case.
Would you display it at your wedding.
Fuck yes.
Would you drink your morning coffee from it.
No.
Would you use it in your grocery store trumpet scene.
No.
Would you use it in your hand chasing old ladies away from the bean aisle.
No.
Now add an Etruscan ceramic boar vessel tied around Michael's neck like a medieval drinking
horn.
How big are these things.
Makes sense right.
I think it looks like it's about like small pig sized.
Okay yeah no I'm not no.
That thing is going to be encased.
It's going to be my most prized possession.
Speaking of prizes would you want it to be the prize in a game show that you won.
Hell yes.
Nice.
Now where would you not want a boar vessel 600 to 500 BC Etruscan ceramic.
A demolition derby.
Anywhere that there's stampeding hordes of anything.
In a children's playroom.
Yes.
No no no.
Not on the San Andreas Fault so I'm not taking the fucking thing to California with me.
Not down to Florida.
Hurricanes.
Nope.
Not going there.
Let's see.
What about if you're getting on public transit.
No.
God no.
What about in fast food drive through.
Why would I even have it there.
No.
You try to pay for your taco bell with an Etruscan boar vessel.
I'm not going to no.
The cashier looks confused.
The line behind you is honking and you're like what.
No boar vessel appreciation here.
Well that would piss me off.
Yeah.
Okay so then it goes with in a museum heist and I'm like I'm sorry I would be stealing
the boar vessel.
Yeah exactly.
That sounds like an amazing heist.
Yes.
Chagy Buty says why didn't I go for the diamonds because the diamonds don't have true intrinsic
value other than to make drills with.
Bingo.
A boar vessel has unlimited unlimited just every it's just.
And it's an adorable little pig.
It's on it's everything.
Now the strangest one.
It's like the first form of a gravy boat.
Now the strangest one.
It says that you would not want a boar vessel 600 to 500 BC Etruscan ceramic as an urn.
No I'll use no.
I'm sorry.
Put my ashes in that motherfucker.
That is the that is the one place now that I want my urns more than.
Yes.
Put my ashes in that motherfucker and then put me behind glass so that I along with it
and made treasured commodity for the rest of fucking eternity suck it.
Now here's the thing with that boar vessel be a great place for your beans.
No what is it with beads.
I like beans but not that much.
Chagy Buty thinks that you think it would actually be a great place for your beans and
I have to shoot down your madness with pure logic.
I would know.
I'm not doing it.
No.
Why.
No.
I feel like thou dost protest too much.
I'm not going to ruin a beautiful thing with beans.
Here's the true question.
Should the boar vessel make its way into your life or does it stay in the annals of history
where it belongs.
No.
No it needs to be in my life.
OK.
I said it belongs in a museum.
The next you're saying if you didn't have it you're saying if you had the chance you'd
leave it in the museum and not keep it with you.
I would steal it and then put it in a cool museum that I could go to every day to see
its beauty and its majesty.
Alright so I said it belongs in a museum.
I also agreed with Chagy Buty and said what's up with Michael and his beans.
Good lord does a single day go by where he isn't slathered in bean juice, runs finger
down his arm, sniffs it.
Guess what I smell.
I swear to god.
Bean juice.
I'm going to hurt you.
Anyway we have two more left.
I'm going to go with both of these.
Alright.
Well I should also mention that Chagy Buty says that Michael probably has an entire calendar
devoted to his bean related activities.
But beyond that run away or don't run away.
So what would you want to run away from?
Well let's see a lion, bear, tiger.
Yeah I mean that's all real things.
I mean that's a little narrow.
Let's widen your focus.
I'm a peeditty.
That's very specific.
Wow.
So a giant rolling boulder.
What am I Indiana fucking Jones?
You are.
Run away during a slow motion explosion.
It's only if I can look cool.
Yeah you gotta look cool.
It means you gotta be very far away from me because otherwise you're getting thrown down
by the blast force.
Run away from a surprise marriage proposal.
Depends.
You've been dating for two weeks.
Still it depends.
Wow.
Okay.
Because if we've only been together for two weeks but she's giving me the.
I'm probably gonna consider it.
That's just all it is with him.
It's just sexual favors and beans.
That's like every day with him.
And if she's cool with the things I like too.
Like beans.
I don't like beans.
I thought you already said earlier that you like beans.
It's not my.
You literally said you'd go to Taco Bell and get a bean and beef burrito.
It's a beefy five layer burrito.
It has beans in it.
Yeah.
Which way is it flip flopper?
I'm not obsessed with.
I'm gonna put you in a swift boat with John Kerry.
I am not obsessed with beans.
Old reference.
Anyway.
Also run from a zombie apocalypse.
Of course.
I mean yeah you kinda have to.
And finally Chad2BT's fifth and final suggestion to run away.
When someone suggests you try Michael's beans.
He's slathered in bean juice and insists you join the cult of beans.
You realize this is a point of no return.
Your only option.
Run.
Run and don't look back.
I'm not in a bean cult.
What are you in?
Nothing.
Alright so when wouldn't you run away?
Well okay.
I wouldn't run away if somebody was offering me a delicious piece of cake.
Okay no.
Well during a spicy debate about sugar.
I'll give it that.
That's close enough.
I wouldn't run away from a good movie.
Okay.
I wouldn't run away from a high paying job.
Okay if anyone wants to give me a high paying job.
Okay so some of these ones are awkward.
Especially don't run away during an awkward family dinner.
That's when you run away.
Sorry.
Chad2BT says it builds character.
I'm going to go build a character in a video game after I run away from the awkward family
dinner.
Yup.
They said don't and you're going to have to give me your advice on this one.
They said don't run away when confronted by a goose.
No you run.
They say it'll chase you.
They say you should stand your ground, puff out your chest and assert dominance.
And then they're still going to bite you.
Yes that was my thought as well.
Geese are evil.
Fuck that.
I would run until it almost caught up with me and then I would do a swift roundhouse
kick.
Yeah.
I mean I know evil but goddamn geese are on another level.
Yeah.
Alright they said at the dentist don't run away.
So I'm assuming this is basically you are Louise in that episode of Bob's Burgers.
And finally don't run away in the grocery store when Michael blows his trumpet.
You're tempted to run as Michael clears the aisle for his beans.
Enough.
No you stay and witness the chaos unfold.
It's too good to miss.
I'm going to learn programming and I'm going to hack your systems Chachipiti and I'm going
to crash you.
Hmm that sounds like a threat.
This is definitely one of those questions where Michael's chaotic energy would lean
heavily toward running away from every situation.
Chachipiti thinks you're a coward.
Fuck you.
Uh yeah.
So the last one.
You know what I saved one that your nerdy ass would love the most.
Alright.
Public defender or no public defender.
Okay.
By this I mean both a court appointed lawyer but also the idea of a superhero.
Okay.
So when would you want a public defender?
Putting this in the comic book stand and we can make it whatever we want but in the real
world you never want a public defender.
But you also don't want to.
You don't want to go in without a lawyer.
You don't want to represent yourself like Ted Bundy tried to do.
Didn't he get himself off at least once?
I mean he got himself off many times with a lot of different people that he murdered.
No I mean like he actually won one of his cases.
I highly doubt it.
I thought he did.
He murdered.
He was murdering.
When you uh I mean small claims court you could go in there with a public defender.
Yeah that would make sense.
And when would you want a superhero?
Oh when would you want to say.
A public defender they say.
Uh okay a superhero when would you want a superhero?
Well a public defender.
Your bridge is collapsing and you're stuck on it and you can't get off.
So you're the opposite of Ted Bundy you can't get off.
Exactly.
I basically I would think that the the number one correct answer to this question is Daredevil.
Yeah.
Just Daredevil.
Or Jessica Walter.
Yeah.
She-Hulk.
Matt Murdock or She-Hulk.
Yeah so Chad GBT said that you know in court you want a public defender but also when you're
battling injustice in the streets.
Yeah.
You want them for cross-examination showdowns rescuing innocents and the true superhero
of the everyday people for the common folk.
Oh yeah.
So it went really broad with that one.
Basically I just I wanted to do either or but did the whole thing together.
But I think we've come to the true answer.
Daredevil or She-Hulk.
Yeah.
You're never a public defender unless you're really really desperate.
Child support cases.
Yeah.
Because it says.
Anything to do with custody.
Do not.
You want an actual lawyer lawyer.
Especially if you're a man.
Especially if you're a man because you're going to get yourself into a weird loop and
then you just don't know how to get out of it.
No disrespect to if you are public defenders out there that are listening to this no disrespect
to you at all.
You're just not.
It's like getting a haircut at a barber.
Yes.
No at a barber school.
Yeah.
It's cheap and it's good for training.
But oh boy would I not want to depend on it.
Exactly.
All right.
So Chachi Petey said no public defender in court without a defender.
I think I got it confused on this one.
Yeah I think you did.
On the streets without a hero taking on the legal system solo which that's bad.
And when the chips are down.
Good luck trying to save the day with zero backup.
I think it actually just told you to always have a public defender whether it's a superhero
or a lawyer.
That's true.
Basically just always have a lawyer because if you think you can defend yourself you're
probably wrong.
Yeah.
Unless you know you study.
Then again if you study then why not just become a lawyer.
Now we all know Michael probably needs a public defender just to get out of bed in the morning
let alone handle a serious legal case or anything to do with beans for that matter.
I am not obsessed with beans.
But if he ever faced trial for crimes against culinary decency like dousing beans with sugar
or trying to convince us the beans are an acceptable breakfast.
I'm pretty sure his court appointed hero would give up halfway through.
Michael buddy it's bean real.
But next time maybe leave the defense to someone who knows what they're doing.
Case dismissed.
I'm not British.
Funny you say that because I actually came back.
Well first thing did you did you faint.
No.
OK I guess you'd faint from embarrassment.
But I did tell Chachi BT that beans are an acceptable breakfast in Great Britain.
But yeah Chachi BT said they can picture Michael fainting dramatically beans slipping from
his hands as he goes down.
As for beans as breakfast in Great Britain honestly I think it's a solid move.
Good.
Yeah good for flip flopping.
So you both flip flop in this episode.
For fuck's sake.
Yeah so it goes on about beans being a quintessential part of the breakfast.
I said I prefer a burger to cook out because I think we mentioned beans.
It mentions Marmite.
There's a bunch of stuff in here.
The fuck is Marmite.
But oh wow.
It's it's.
I know it's a nasty paste that they only serve over like Australia or Britain or something
like that.
It's a yeast extract which is like it's savory yeast extract and it's as thick as like molasses.
It's basically like Vegemite but worse I think.
Oh yes.
So this episode is coming to a close.
Did you have fun Michael?
Yes aside from all the bean references because I'm not that obsessed with fucking beans.
So Chachi BT has a nice present for you at the end.
I don't.
It has a surprising and entertaining bean factor.
I don't.
So Navy beans those small white beans you find in you might find in baked beans.
They got their name not because they're blue or anything to do with water but because they've
been a staple food for the US Navy since the mid 1800s.
Whoopdeedoo.
Navy sailors ate them constantly on long voyages as they were a cheap protein rich food that
could be stored for ages.
I don't care.
So in a way beans are basically the original survival rations for tough seafaring folks.
Whoopdee fucking do.
I don't give a shit.
Oh Michael he just doesn't he doesn't want to admit it.
Admit what?
How much he loves beans.
No I don't have anything to admit.
Anyway what's your favorite word instead of goodbye.
Fuck off.
Chachi BT says adieu and I'm going to say adieu to you.
How about deuces?
Because I think Chachi BT has been a generous host giving you many things and also predicting
what you might say.
If I can predict what you say and then just have a bowl of beans sitting next to me isn't
that just the same as having you here.
I hate the both of you.
Well Michael I think you need to say adieu.
Deuces bitches.
If you enjoyed the stupidity you just heard why not subscribe follow like this page or
whatever it is on whatever platform we have put it onto.
And don't forget to comment your email address at windbreakermediagmail.com is all one word.
And thank you Robot.
Thank you Robot for saying that.
Chachi BT and I really appreciate you coming in here and saying that all this is concise.
But he said that concise so that the people could understand it.